1 00:00:01,807 --> 00:00:06,323 All those kids and their hipping and their hopping. 2 00:00:06,487 --> 00:00:09,957 Pull up your damned pants, you morons! 3 00:00:12,927 --> 00:00:17,557 Second Comedy Central special, it's gonna be great! 4 00:00:17,727 --> 00:00:21,686 No, Mommy. I don't want to wear the pink bow. 5 00:00:21,847 --> 00:00:26,159 He even does this in his sleep. What a freak! 6 00:00:26,327 --> 00:00:29,444 Would you idiots give it a rest? 7 00:00:29,607 --> 00:00:32,599 Would you like to see my stick? 8 00:00:47,647 --> 00:00:49,763 Thank you! 9 00:00:51,167 --> 00:00:54,159 Thank you. 10 00:00:57,367 --> 00:01:00,996 Are you doing alright? Thank you. 11 00:01:02,087 --> 00:01:04,726 Thank you so much. 12 00:01:12,367 --> 00:01:17,077 Alright. Thank you. Thank you so much. 13 00:01:18,247 --> 00:01:24,197 You can't fool me. I know it's all for the little guys in the suitcase. 14 00:01:30,007 --> 00:01:33,443 Thank you for coming out tonight. This is such a pleasure. 15 00:01:33,607 --> 00:01:37,964 Before we start, I must say it is a true honor to be in this theater- 16 00:01:38,127 --> 00:01:42,484 - with you people, in the capital of the greatest country in the world- 17 00:01:42,647 --> 00:01:44,638 - the United States of America. 18 00:01:53,527 --> 00:01:56,200 In driving around the city the last couple of days- 19 00:01:56,367 --> 00:01:59,803 I couldn't help but realize that here in D.C., like everywhere else- 20 00:01:59,967 --> 00:02:03,198 - gas prices suck! 21 00:02:03,367 --> 00:02:08,566 My wife and I live in L.A., and we were owners of 2 big SUVs. 22 00:02:08,727 --> 00:02:12,003 We decided to do the economically and ecologically right thing. 23 00:02:12,167 --> 00:02:18,276 We got rid of one of the big, giant SUVs and got a Prius. 24 00:02:18,447 --> 00:02:21,200 I don't know why you're laughing, it's a great vehicle. 25 00:02:21,367 --> 00:02:24,723 You jump on the freeway and punch it, it goes: 26 00:02:29,047 --> 00:02:31,845 When you can drive underneath an 18- wheeler and go: 27 00:02:32,007 --> 00:02:35,124 That's really dirty, and drive back out... 28 00:02:37,687 --> 00:02:40,645 That is just too damned small. 29 00:02:40,807 --> 00:02:45,005 It's cool at the gas pump. On one tank you've driven 2 or 3000 miles. 30 00:02:45,167 --> 00:02:49,604 You fill up and go: Oh, all done! I'll be damned. 31 00:02:49,767 --> 00:02:52,361 10 cents? That's amazing! 32 00:02:52,527 --> 00:02:56,281 I'm not used to a vehicle like this. I've had big trucks and SUVs. 33 00:02:56,447 --> 00:02:59,564 The one vehicle I refuse to get rid of, I've had it for 10 years. 34 00:02:59,727 --> 00:03:02,480 I love this thing. I've taken good care of it. 35 00:03:02,647 --> 00:03:05,525 It's not politically correct to drive it. I don't care. 36 00:03:05,687 --> 00:03:10,238 H-1 Hummer. The real one, the big one, the military version. 37 00:03:13,487 --> 00:03:17,196 I love this thing. It has a 38 gallon tank. 38 00:03:17,367 --> 00:03:21,326 Gets 7 miles to the gallon. 39 00:03:21,487 --> 00:03:25,719 Diesel, where I live, at its peak was $3.84 per gallon. 40 00:03:25,887 --> 00:03:28,640 Yeah. I went to fill it up that week, it wasn't even empty. 41 00:03:28,807 --> 00:03:32,720 It cost me a hundred forty- eight dollars. 42 00:03:32,887 --> 00:03:37,039 I pushed the vehicle home. 43 00:03:37,207 --> 00:03:39,721 As I rolled it into the driveway, I told my kids: 44 00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:43,562 Girls, look at our new front yard ornament. 45 00:03:43,727 --> 00:03:46,764 Get in the Prius. 46 00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:49,521 You suck, Dad! 47 00:03:51,047 --> 00:03:55,199 I used to pick Priuses out of the grill of my Hummer. 48 00:03:59,687 --> 00:04:03,600 During the holidays last year, we took the Hummer in for maintenance. 49 00:04:03,767 --> 00:04:08,045 Then we were driving home and my wife is behind me in the Hummer. 50 00:04:08,207 --> 00:04:10,277 I'm in front driving the Prius. 51 00:04:10,447 --> 00:04:13,803 I was tricked somehow. I don't know how that happened. 52 00:04:13,967 --> 00:04:16,765 She calls me on the cell phone, laughing. 53 00:04:16,927 --> 00:04:19,885 Let me explain why. Our Prius is not a black Prius. 54 00:04:20,047 --> 00:04:23,722 It's not a red Prius, it's a blue Prius. But not really blue. 55 00:04:23,887 --> 00:04:28,085 It's more of a ...blue... Prius. 56 00:04:30,767 --> 00:04:33,361 It's pretty. 57 00:04:33,527 --> 00:04:36,246 Sparkly! 58 00:04:36,407 --> 00:04:40,559 I did that a little too well, didn't I? 59 00:04:51,527 --> 00:04:58,319 While I'm driving, I'm holding in my arm, my wife's 3- pound Chihuahua. 60 00:05:00,607 --> 00:05:04,964 You have to hold it while you drive or it'll fall down between the seats. 61 00:05:05,127 --> 00:05:08,358 Where the hell is this dog? Oh, there you are! 62 00:05:08,527 --> 00:05:13,237 Let me put down the parking brake, that'll hold you, you bastard. 63 00:05:15,287 --> 00:05:18,438 I've got to shift... Oh! 64 00:05:26,447 --> 00:05:30,918 That was your head? I'm sorry. I thought it was the shifty thingy. 65 00:05:31,087 --> 00:05:34,966 Same size. Leather, fur, I don't know the difference. 66 00:05:35,127 --> 00:05:38,199 I thought I was grinding the gears. 67 00:05:40,727 --> 00:05:45,323 Thanks for laughing at that. That's the stupidest joke I tell all night. 68 00:05:45,487 --> 00:05:48,320 That morning, I don't know why I didn't see it- 69 00:05:48,487 --> 00:05:52,605 - my children had taken vinyl window holiday decorations- 70 00:05:52,767 --> 00:05:55,884 - and put them all over the back window of the Prius. 71 00:05:56,047 --> 00:06:01,075 Christmas trees, Santa Claus. Snowflakes. It was so pretty. 72 00:06:01,247 --> 00:06:03,807 My wife calls me, laughing hysterically. 73 00:06:03,967 --> 00:06:08,006 What's so funny? Can you see yourself? 74 00:06:08,167 --> 00:06:12,957 You're driving a powder blue Prius, holding a 3- pound Chihuahua. 75 00:06:13,127 --> 00:06:16,915 There's pretty Christmas decorations all over your car. 76 00:06:17,087 --> 00:06:21,478 And you make a living with dolls. You're gay! - Click. 77 00:06:32,567 --> 00:06:36,276 And I'm like, Bitch! - click. 78 00:06:39,687 --> 00:06:43,726 A Chihuahua. That's my wife's idea of a family pet. 79 00:06:43,887 --> 00:06:47,516 The dog I picked out is Bill, our Golden Retriever. He's 80 pounds. 80 00:06:47,687 --> 00:06:51,646 Now that is a dog, ladies and gentlemen. 81 00:06:54,007 --> 00:06:57,522 I named him Bill because I got him when Clinton was in office- 82 00:06:57,687 --> 00:07:01,043 - and as a puppy, he was humping everything. 83 00:07:07,047 --> 00:07:09,117 When it comes to dogs- 84 00:07:09,287 --> 00:07:12,040 - I have criteria for what is and is not a dog. 85 00:07:12,207 --> 00:07:19,158 Here is what is not a dog: anything that bounces when it barks. 86 00:07:20,367 --> 00:07:25,361 Not a dog: anything I can easily drop- kick over my back fence. 87 00:07:25,527 --> 00:07:31,318 Not a dog: anything that is regularly terrified by a running leaf. 88 00:07:31,487 --> 00:07:35,878 That's not a dog, that's a yapping Beanie Baby, that's what that is. 89 00:07:36,047 --> 00:07:40,563 It's the Richard Simmons of canines, that's all I'm saying. 90 00:07:57,447 --> 00:08:01,076 Honey, what was that? I don't know!, 91 00:08:01,247 --> 00:08:04,364 Bill's sitting next to me: I don't know either! 92 00:08:04,527 --> 00:08:07,564 You're a genius, do it again! 93 00:08:07,727 --> 00:08:10,195 Size does matter in the canine brain. 94 00:08:10,367 --> 00:08:13,165 Bill, Golden Retriever, very smart animal. 95 00:08:13,327 --> 00:08:17,400 If he pooped on the living room carpet, I stuck his nose in it. 96 00:08:17,567 --> 00:08:21,719 Three times later, he figured out: I'm not supposed to crap here. 97 00:08:21,887 --> 00:08:26,039 Next two dogs, same thing. Now the brain- dead Chihuahua comes along. 98 00:08:26,207 --> 00:08:28,516 She poops on the carpet, I stick her nose in it- 99 00:08:28,687 --> 00:08:34,842 - three times later she thinks, I'm not supposed to crap, ever. 100 00:08:39,447 --> 00:08:44,043 And that's why they shake. 101 00:08:54,127 --> 00:08:56,960 Another way Chihuahuas prove their lack of intelligence: 102 00:08:57,127 --> 00:09:01,166 Most dogs know when you find a stick in the yard and you run with it- 103 00:09:01,327 --> 00:09:04,524 - you put the stick in your mouth sideways. 104 00:09:06,967 --> 00:09:11,677 I am not kidding. This little idiot dog found a stick as long as she was- 105 00:09:11,847 --> 00:09:15,522 - and she stuck it in her mouth straight out the front. 106 00:09:15,687 --> 00:09:18,645 This is all true. We're on the couch watching TV. 107 00:09:18,807 --> 00:09:22,766 She runs through the house, as fast as she can, stick straight out. 108 00:09:22,927 --> 00:09:29,036 As she runs across the carpet she decides to quickly look down. 109 00:09:29,207 --> 00:09:32,279 Oh yeah. Stick in the carpet, crammed down her throat. 110 00:09:32,447 --> 00:09:36,281 With momentum, she actually pole- vaulted over the stick. 111 00:09:47,007 --> 00:09:49,999 Of course my wife and my girls are all... 112 00:09:50,167 --> 00:09:54,319 I couldn't breathe, I was laughing so hard. 113 00:09:54,487 --> 00:09:57,923 I thought, Damn, if she'd been going a little faster- 114 00:09:58,087 --> 00:10:02,638 - I'd have a new puppet. A Chihuahua on a stick! 115 00:10:12,647 --> 00:10:15,844 My wife started going nuts with the Chihuahua thing. 116 00:10:16,007 --> 00:10:17,998 She named her Chihuahua Darby. 117 00:10:18,167 --> 00:10:22,445 After a year and a half my wife decided it was time to breed the dog. 118 00:10:22,607 --> 00:10:28,364 My wife got on the internet and found the 3- pound...stud...Chihuahua. 119 00:10:28,527 --> 00:10:32,236 I don't know how you call anything that's 3 pounds 'a stud'. 120 00:10:32,407 --> 00:10:36,082 We picked up little Jake. The owner wanted to get rid of him. 121 00:10:36,247 --> 00:10:39,717 So Jake came to live at our house. He was full grown, ready to go. 122 00:10:39,887 --> 00:10:41,843 Then Darby came in heat. 123 00:10:42,007 --> 00:10:45,966 Not long after that we had three tiny little Chihuahua puppies. 124 00:10:46,127 --> 00:10:50,279 The two larger ones my wife gave away. The runt of the litter... 125 00:10:50,447 --> 00:10:54,759 The runt from two 3- pound dogs we decided to keep. 126 00:10:54,927 --> 00:10:59,159 Rusty is now full- grown, at a whopping 1.8 pounds. 127 00:11:00,887 --> 00:11:04,482 The cool part is he and 80- pound Bill are best friends. 128 00:11:04,647 --> 00:11:06,763 I don't know how you can be best friends- 129 00:11:06,927 --> 00:11:11,478 - with someone who is the same size as your poop. 130 00:11:17,887 --> 00:11:20,606 My kids question whether I'm funny or not. 131 00:11:20,767 --> 00:11:26,524 I pointed that out in the backyard to them. I'm a comedy genius now! 132 00:11:27,767 --> 00:11:32,124 The cool part is little Rusty picked me over everyone else to bond with. 133 00:11:32,287 --> 00:11:34,437 He likes me best, we don't know why. I kinda like it. 134 00:11:34,607 --> 00:11:36,802 I come home, he runs to the front door, I pick him up- 135 00:11:36,967 --> 00:11:42,644 - take him to my office. I have a stuffed car, he sits in that car. 136 00:11:42,807 --> 00:11:46,561 If he sits just right, it looks like he's driving around my desk. 137 00:11:46,727 --> 00:11:51,403 People walk in my office, It's a rat! Oh, it's your dog. 138 00:11:54,087 --> 00:11:58,365 The bond between Rusty and me has gone beyond just companionship. 139 00:11:58,527 --> 00:12:00,757 There's an emotional bond. 140 00:12:00,927 --> 00:12:04,397 This has happened 5 times. It can't be coincidence. 141 00:12:04,567 --> 00:12:07,923 The three Chihuahuas sleep in the bed with my wife and me. 142 00:12:08,087 --> 00:12:11,363 My wife and I will get into an argument, go to bed angry. 143 00:12:11,527 --> 00:12:15,520 You're not supposed to do that, but we're tired. 144 00:12:15,687 --> 00:12:18,838 Rusty hears the argument, knows we're not happy with each other. 145 00:12:19,007 --> 00:12:22,044 But he takes my side. At 3 or 4 in the morning- 146 00:12:22,207 --> 00:12:26,405 - he will wake up, and pee on my wife. 147 00:12:36,127 --> 00:12:38,561 I am not kidding. 148 00:12:38,727 --> 00:12:42,242 It's the greatest thing ever! 149 00:12:42,407 --> 00:12:44,637 I have the satisfaction of knowing- 150 00:12:44,807 --> 00:12:49,403 - if I go to bed angry with my wife, it's gonna be taken care of. 151 00:12:51,007 --> 00:12:53,475 This is all absolutely true. 152 00:12:53,647 --> 00:12:57,959 I had to get up early for an East Coast flight, about 3:30. 153 00:12:58,127 --> 00:13:01,164 My wife and I had argued, I wake up still mad at her. 154 00:13:01,327 --> 00:13:04,205 4 am, I'm ready to walk out the door, but I still love her. 155 00:13:04,367 --> 00:13:07,325 I go to kiss her. I walk over and put my hand on her... 156 00:13:07,487 --> 00:13:11,196 Rusty, my man! 157 00:13:12,567 --> 00:13:16,196 It's still warm, she hasn't woken up yet. 158 00:13:16,367 --> 00:13:21,680 I lean over, I love you honey, see you later, Rusty pissed on you. Bye! 159 00:13:21,847 --> 00:13:25,283 Rusty's at the end of the bed just wagging his tail. 160 00:13:25,447 --> 00:13:30,567 I'm at the front door, I hope he doesn't teach Bill to do that. 161 00:13:34,287 --> 00:13:37,518 We have three daughters. They are 9, 11 and 15 years old. 162 00:13:37,687 --> 00:13:41,805 They've had normal childhoods. Most things have been great. 163 00:13:41,967 --> 00:13:45,642 Some things have been different because of the ventriloquism. 164 00:13:45,807 --> 00:13:49,561 For example, their Barbie dolls actually speak. 165 00:13:49,727 --> 00:13:52,321 Not when Mommy's around. 166 00:13:56,487 --> 00:14:01,197 Ken, you smell like beer and cigarettes. 167 00:14:02,207 --> 00:14:06,325 I'm a lot of fun at Toys 'R' Us around Christmastime. 168 00:14:06,487 --> 00:14:12,517 Boys run to their parents, Mommy, know what that G.I Joe said to me? 169 00:14:15,287 --> 00:14:18,882 They will never catch me. 170 00:14:19,047 --> 00:14:21,561 We try to take family walks as often as possible. 171 00:14:21,727 --> 00:14:24,287 On these walks, we let one kid pick out one dog. 172 00:14:24,447 --> 00:14:27,883 One evening we let Kenna, the 9- year- old, choose. 173 00:14:28,047 --> 00:14:33,405 Kenna seems to have a real twisted sense of humor. 174 00:14:33,567 --> 00:14:37,276 We don't know where that came from. 175 00:14:37,447 --> 00:14:42,362 We have a leash. One of those big self- retracting leashes. 176 00:14:42,527 --> 00:14:45,280 You push the button and it quickly retracts. 177 00:14:45,447 --> 00:14:49,235 Don't beat me to the funny part. 178 00:14:49,407 --> 00:14:52,638 I walk out the front door and think I'll be the first one there. 179 00:14:52,807 --> 00:14:56,356 Kenna is out front and has Darby hooked up to that leash. 180 00:14:56,527 --> 00:15:00,042 She's 2 feet away. Kenna keeps pushing the button and letting it up. 181 00:15:00,207 --> 00:15:03,882 Darby is going... I ask Kenna, What are you doing? 182 00:15:04,047 --> 00:15:08,199 I'm trying to make her heel automatically. 183 00:15:08,367 --> 00:15:12,679 I say, Kenna! It doesn't work. I already tried it. 184 00:15:12,847 --> 00:15:14,997 High five. 185 00:15:15,167 --> 00:15:18,079 We're out for a walk and Kenna has the dog at full extension. 186 00:15:18,247 --> 00:15:22,160 30 or 40 feet on the leash and she hasn't given up on what she's trying. 187 00:15:22,327 --> 00:15:25,125 As we're walking she's pushing the button and letting it up. 188 00:15:25,287 --> 00:15:27,642 Looking at the dog, looking at the leash- 189 00:15:27,807 --> 00:15:29,843 - the wheels in her head turning... 190 00:15:30,007 --> 00:15:33,079 What is this twisted little child going to do? 191 00:15:33,247 --> 00:15:37,126 As we're walking, she pushed the button. Quickly and on purpose- 192 00:15:37,287 --> 00:15:39,881 - dropped the leash. 193 00:15:42,807 --> 00:15:45,799 Do you see the brilliance here? 194 00:15:45,967 --> 00:15:50,836 The leash then began to chase the Chihuahua. 195 00:16:01,767 --> 00:16:05,396 A big hunk of black plastic skimmed across the pavement. 196 00:16:05,567 --> 00:16:08,639 The Chihuahua stopped. She heard a new noise. 197 00:16:08,807 --> 00:16:12,356 She looked behind her. Here comes the leash. 198 00:16:12,527 --> 00:16:14,916 At this point, the Chihuahua is smart enough to know- 199 00:16:15,087 --> 00:16:18,523 - that now would be a good time to panic. 200 00:16:18,687 --> 00:16:22,760 She took off like a bullet down the street running as fast as she could. 201 00:16:22,927 --> 00:16:26,966 But the leash was slightly faster. 202 00:16:27,127 --> 00:16:31,439 I'm standing there, Where's the video camera? 203 00:16:31,607 --> 00:16:34,997 We can win 10,000 bucks! 'Watch what happens!' 204 00:16:35,167 --> 00:16:38,523 And sure enough... 205 00:16:38,687 --> 00:16:42,282 Of course my wife and my two oldest girls... 206 00:16:42,447 --> 00:16:46,884 Kenna and l are rolling in the lawn. 207 00:16:55,727 --> 00:16:58,764 I'm high-fiving her, telling her she's a genius. 208 00:16:58,927 --> 00:17:01,316 Mommy turns around, sees us laughing. 209 00:17:01,487 --> 00:17:05,116 Crap! Don't look her in the eye. Look down. Back away slowly. 210 00:17:05,287 --> 00:17:08,996 Rusty will piss on her later. 211 00:17:15,887 --> 00:17:18,321 Ladies and gentlemen, you're an awesome audience. 212 00:17:19,407 --> 00:17:24,083 How about we get to the people you came to see tonight? 213 00:17:30,087 --> 00:17:34,046 The first guy, I think audiences enjoy because everyone- 214 00:17:34,207 --> 00:17:37,961 - knows someone like this. In your own family or where you work. 215 00:17:38,127 --> 00:17:41,119 Please help me welcome my old friend, Walter. 216 00:18:03,327 --> 00:18:06,000 Get a life. 217 00:18:09,767 --> 00:18:13,521 - How you doing, Walter? - What happened to your hair? 218 00:18:13,687 --> 00:18:16,565 Looks like you were in a fricking car wreck. 219 00:18:16,727 --> 00:18:21,926 - They said it makes me look hip. - I think it makes you look homeless. 220 00:18:22,087 --> 00:18:27,445 Been in D.C. for two days and you're already fricking homeless. Holy cow. 221 00:18:28,607 --> 00:18:30,837 - Come on, Walter, do you like D.C.? - Oh yeah. 222 00:18:31,007 --> 00:18:36,525 There's nothing quite like being mugged in our nation's capital. 223 00:18:36,687 --> 00:18:40,362 There's a lot of excitement that goes on in Washington, D.C. 224 00:18:40,527 --> 00:18:46,204 Yeah, what happens in D.C. stays on YouTube. 225 00:18:53,607 --> 00:18:55,882 So you don't like being in D.C.? 226 00:18:56,047 --> 00:18:58,880 No, I like it. I get screwed on my taxes every year. 227 00:18:59,047 --> 00:19:04,121 So it's fun to come visit the source. 228 00:19:05,807 --> 00:19:09,720 - What did you do for fun today? - Stood in front of the IRS building. 229 00:19:09,887 --> 00:19:12,720 I just flipped them off. 230 00:19:19,687 --> 00:19:22,076 - Did you go to the White House? - Oh yeah. 231 00:19:22,247 --> 00:19:25,603 That's where the most powerful man in the free world lives. 232 00:19:25,767 --> 00:19:28,964 Oprah? 233 00:19:35,447 --> 00:19:39,679 - What's wrong with you tonight? - I don't know. I'm just pissed. 234 00:19:39,847 --> 00:19:42,441 - I don't want to go home. - Why not? 235 00:19:42,607 --> 00:19:45,440 I think my house is haunted. 236 00:19:45,607 --> 00:19:49,919 - Why do you think that? - My wife is there. 237 00:19:54,727 --> 00:20:00,120 I walk in the front door and all I hear is, Get out! 238 00:20:03,247 --> 00:20:05,807 You got in another argument on the phone today, didn't you? 239 00:20:05,967 --> 00:20:08,356 - You heard that, did you? - Oh yeah. 240 00:20:08,527 --> 00:20:13,396 Hung up on her. She called right back, Did you hang up on me? 241 00:20:13,567 --> 00:20:17,958 I said, I don't know, did it sound something like this? - Click. 242 00:20:23,847 --> 00:20:29,843 - Did that make her angry? - I felt a disturbance in The Force. 243 00:20:30,007 --> 00:20:32,680 You ever made her that mad when you're standing in front of her? 244 00:20:32,847 --> 00:20:37,238 Yeah. My mother told me if you're in a jam and don't know what to do- 245 00:20:37,407 --> 00:20:41,036 - you should think, What would Jesus do? 246 00:20:41,207 --> 00:20:44,722 So I tried to turn her into a fish. 247 00:20:47,207 --> 00:20:52,839 I stood there going, Begone, Satan! 248 00:20:53,007 --> 00:20:56,886 Hello, Shamu! 249 00:20:58,927 --> 00:21:03,955 Well, at least Shamu has only one blowhole. 250 00:21:11,287 --> 00:21:15,519 Aw, screw you. That was funny. 251 00:21:20,047 --> 00:21:23,278 Look, it's the CIA. 252 00:21:30,367 --> 00:21:33,564 I see you. 253 00:21:37,847 --> 00:21:41,237 We can all see you. 254 00:21:45,687 --> 00:21:50,636 You know, the show looks a lot better from the front. 255 00:21:50,807 --> 00:21:54,163 Is the director drunk? What the hell? 256 00:22:07,207 --> 00:22:10,085 What? Holy crap! 257 00:22:18,487 --> 00:22:21,479 Wait, come back. Let me see in there. 258 00:22:21,647 --> 00:22:26,721 This is Comedy Central. I can see Cartman. 259 00:22:26,887 --> 00:22:31,756 I can see Kenny. Oh, he just got killed. 260 00:22:42,247 --> 00:22:44,363 You've been married a long time. 261 00:22:44,527 --> 00:22:48,076 Ups and downs in any marriage. Ever been to marriage counseling? 262 00:22:48,247 --> 00:22:50,920 - Yes. - What did that do for you? 263 00:22:51,087 --> 00:22:56,480 Look at me. I'm happy! 264 00:22:56,647 --> 00:22:59,639 Come on. What were the results of the counseling? 265 00:22:59,807 --> 00:23:04,961 At the end of it all, there were two folks who thought I was an ass. 266 00:23:05,127 --> 00:23:09,564 And I'm paying both of them. 267 00:23:09,727 --> 00:23:13,276 - But you are happy to be here? - Oh sure. Better than last week. 268 00:23:13,447 --> 00:23:16,564 Last week? Fort Lauderdale, Florida. You didn't like that? 269 00:23:16,727 --> 00:23:23,724 No. Everyone in Fort Lauderdale, Florida looks exactly like me. 270 00:23:31,847 --> 00:23:35,806 I swear, it's like one giant nursing home. 271 00:23:35,967 --> 00:23:39,357 Ft. Lauderdale is where they tape those Girls Gone Wild videos. 272 00:23:39,527 --> 00:23:44,282 That's during Spring Break. The rest of the time it's Girls Gone Saggy. 273 00:23:46,567 --> 00:23:49,525 Or it's Girls Gone Senile. 274 00:23:49,687 --> 00:23:52,804 And then it's just Girls Gone. 275 00:23:55,287 --> 00:23:57,881 - You didn't like the weather either. - Oh my God. 276 00:23:58,047 --> 00:24:02,723 Even in the middle of winter, it's humid as hell and hot as hell. 277 00:24:02,887 --> 00:24:05,196 We got there, I took a shower on Monday. 278 00:24:05,367 --> 00:24:08,916 Friday, still not dry. 279 00:24:09,087 --> 00:24:13,046 I swear, I have moss on my ass. 280 00:24:18,567 --> 00:24:20,956 You said the weather changes too quickly. 281 00:24:21,127 --> 00:24:25,405 I know it changes fast everywhere, but in Florida, it's ridiculous. 282 00:24:25,567 --> 00:24:28,684 - What are you talking about? - I was standing on the beach. 283 00:24:28,847 --> 00:24:31,645 In the sunshine, having a little iced tea. 284 00:24:31,807 --> 00:24:34,924 I looked over and go, Ooh, look, a little cloud. 285 00:24:35,087 --> 00:24:38,716 About three minutes later... 286 00:24:38,887 --> 00:24:42,323 Holy crap! 287 00:24:42,487 --> 00:24:44,682 The locals are hanging on to the palm trees. 288 00:24:44,847 --> 00:24:48,123 We love it here! 289 00:24:48,287 --> 00:24:50,847 You dumbasses! 290 00:24:51,007 --> 00:24:55,762 I say, leave it to the Cubans and get the hell out! 291 00:25:04,367 --> 00:25:06,642 Alright, so you want someplace a little cooler. 292 00:25:06,807 --> 00:25:09,241 Remember, we went to Green Bay, Wisconsin. 293 00:25:09,407 --> 00:25:15,880 Yeah, in February! It was negative 20 with a negative 30 wind chill. 294 00:25:16,047 --> 00:25:21,405 I'd get on stage every night and say, You people are idiots. 295 00:25:21,567 --> 00:25:26,561 Did you know the borders are open? 296 00:25:26,727 --> 00:25:30,003 Pack up your Suburban and get the hell out! 297 00:25:30,167 --> 00:25:33,045 Another thing. Green Bay Packers stadium, what's it called? 298 00:25:33,207 --> 00:25:39,123 - Lambo Field. - Lambo Field. No roof. Hello! 299 00:25:39,287 --> 00:25:43,280 How many football season weekends have good weather in Green Bay? 300 00:25:43,447 --> 00:25:46,519 That would be...none. 301 00:25:46,687 --> 00:25:51,807 Note to self: build a fricking roof. 302 00:25:51,967 --> 00:25:56,836 We have the technology. 303 00:25:57,007 --> 00:26:01,876 Yeah, you talk to the locals in Green Bay, what do they say? 304 00:26:02,047 --> 00:26:06,006 We love it here. 305 00:26:06,167 --> 00:26:09,443 We're a hardy people. 306 00:26:09,607 --> 00:26:13,282 A bunch of frozen dumbasses, is what you are. 307 00:26:13,447 --> 00:26:17,725 Walter, you don't like humidity, you don't like extreme cold. 308 00:26:17,887 --> 00:26:19,878 You want someplace warmer and drier. 309 00:26:20,047 --> 00:26:25,679 - Well in August, we were in Phoenix. - August in Phoenix, Arizona. 310 00:26:25,847 --> 00:26:29,999 Your agent is a moron. 311 00:26:32,367 --> 00:26:35,723 It was 112 for three days in a row. 312 00:26:35,887 --> 00:26:40,517 What do all the locals say? But it's a dry heat. 313 00:26:40,687 --> 00:26:44,282 Screw you. 314 00:26:49,887 --> 00:26:53,243 A bonfire's a dry heat. 315 00:26:53,407 --> 00:26:56,922 You don't see me sticking my ass in one of those, do you? 316 00:26:57,087 --> 00:27:01,444 Your ass is on fire. It's a dry heat! 317 00:27:03,207 --> 00:27:07,803 I was in Florida, I gotta burn off the fricking moss! 318 00:27:11,727 --> 00:27:15,436 - Did you enjoy New York City? - Oh, I love New York City. 319 00:27:15,607 --> 00:27:19,885 It was great. Do shows in Manhattan, about midnight get back to the hotel. 320 00:27:20,047 --> 00:27:22,686 At 1 a.m., I'd lay my head on the pillow- 321 00:27:22,847 --> 00:27:27,716 - and listen to the sounds of the city. 322 00:27:33,287 --> 00:27:35,755 Oh my God. 323 00:27:35,927 --> 00:27:39,602 - The city that never sleeps. - Well, it needs a fricking nap. 324 00:27:39,767 --> 00:27:44,477 You've eliminated every corner of the country. What about where we live? 325 00:27:44,647 --> 00:27:47,525 People love the weather in Southern California. 326 00:27:47,687 --> 00:27:51,316 At least with Florida and hurricanes, you get a little notice. 327 00:27:51,487 --> 00:27:55,321 You turn on the news: You have three days to get the hell out! 328 00:27:55,487 --> 00:27:57,796 - So? - In L.A., we've got earthquakes. 329 00:27:57,967 --> 00:28:00,401 We don't know jack. 330 00:28:00,567 --> 00:28:04,799 One morning, you could be sitting on the toilet and all of a sudden... 331 00:28:07,367 --> 00:28:10,962 There's crap flying around the house. 332 00:28:11,127 --> 00:28:15,006 We love it here! 333 00:28:28,007 --> 00:28:30,760 You're a dumbass, too. 334 00:28:30,927 --> 00:28:33,805 - Remember that last big earthquake? - Sure. 335 00:28:33,967 --> 00:28:36,527 - Bad timing on that earthquake. - How's that? 336 00:28:36,687 --> 00:28:43,001 Not two seconds before it hit, I told my grandson to pull my finger. 337 00:28:47,847 --> 00:28:52,318 He pulled it, I farted and half the neighborhood fell down. 338 00:28:57,847 --> 00:29:02,796 That kid hasn't come near me since. 339 00:29:02,967 --> 00:29:07,119 The other day I cracked my knuckles and he dove under the couch. 340 00:29:26,887 --> 00:29:31,915 - What was that? - We're in D.C. That was a veto. 341 00:29:40,047 --> 00:29:44,245 Walter, I'm listening to you and I get the feeling we travel too much. 342 00:29:44,407 --> 00:29:46,398 Oh, you think? 343 00:29:46,567 --> 00:29:50,924 - Why don't you like airplanes? - I'm your carryon, for God's sakes. 344 00:29:51,087 --> 00:29:55,399 I go in the x- ray machine. I could have cancer tonight! 345 00:29:55,567 --> 00:29:59,401 - Tell them what happened at O'Hare. - We're going through the airport. 346 00:29:59,567 --> 00:30:02,923 I come out the other side of the x- ray and hear the guy say to Jeff: 347 00:30:03,087 --> 00:30:05,442 Sir! I've got to look inside your suitcase. 348 00:30:05,607 --> 00:30:08,440 I'm lying there thinking, Aw crap, here we go. 349 00:30:08,607 --> 00:30:11,565 Jeff's standing there, the guy opens the case, I pop up and go: 350 00:30:11,727 --> 00:30:15,356 Hey! Shut the damned door! 351 00:30:21,327 --> 00:30:26,003 Scared the crap out of the guy. Then I thought about it a second and said: 352 00:30:26,167 --> 00:30:29,876 I do not want to go to Los Angeles. 353 00:30:37,807 --> 00:30:41,720 - And what happened? - We were detained. 354 00:30:41,887 --> 00:30:46,722 Them bastards have no sense of humor. 355 00:30:46,887 --> 00:30:49,003 They have to be tight on security these days. 356 00:30:49,167 --> 00:30:51,920 I know. The terrorist threats and all that crap. 357 00:30:52,087 --> 00:30:54,920 There's one group of folks I don't understand at all. 358 00:30:55,087 --> 00:31:01,401 Damned suicide bombers. Good God, what the hell is this? 359 00:31:06,807 --> 00:31:10,720 Well, way to go, habib. 360 00:31:10,887 --> 00:31:14,516 Bet you can't fricking do it again. 361 00:31:27,287 --> 00:31:29,755 Dumbass. 362 00:31:29,927 --> 00:31:32,839 Walter, those guys believe that if they martyr themselves- 363 00:31:33,007 --> 00:31:36,204 - there will be 72 virgins waiting for them in Paradise. 364 00:31:36,367 --> 00:31:39,803 Well, April Fool, dumbass! 365 00:31:44,047 --> 00:31:49,599 If there are virgins waiting for you, it'll be 72 guys just like you! 366 00:31:51,887 --> 00:31:55,960 Oh no, this is not what Osama said it would be. 367 00:32:04,687 --> 00:32:10,842 72 virgins? Why not 72 slutty broads who know what they're doing? 368 00:32:30,287 --> 00:32:34,246 He had a longer fuse. 369 00:32:35,847 --> 00:32:40,284 I wonder if they pull that joke on each other every once in a while. 370 00:32:40,447 --> 00:32:44,486 What joke? 371 00:32:47,407 --> 00:32:49,921 What the... 372 00:33:01,807 --> 00:33:04,958 Did you see Jamil's face? 373 00:33:05,127 --> 00:33:08,244 It's gone now, but did you see his face? 374 00:33:12,807 --> 00:33:17,597 72 virgins. Sounds like a punishment to me. 375 00:33:17,767 --> 00:33:23,125 I gotta teach 72 women how to have sex? Oh my God! 376 00:33:23,287 --> 00:33:27,075 I hope there's no Viagra in heaven. 377 00:33:27,247 --> 00:33:32,241 Impotence is God's way of helping a man like me to 'just say no'. 378 00:33:38,127 --> 00:33:43,042 If I take Viagra, it's just to help me keep from rolling out of bed. 379 00:33:53,807 --> 00:33:57,004 - Did you get that one? - She got it! 380 00:33:58,007 --> 00:34:01,477 - It's a kickstand joke. - Will you stop? 381 00:34:07,327 --> 00:34:10,399 What're you shaking your head at? You got a good love life? 382 00:34:10,567 --> 00:34:13,525 - Sure. Yeah. - Good sex life? With your wife? 383 00:34:16,127 --> 00:34:18,561 - Yes. - Good for her, too? 384 00:34:18,727 --> 00:34:21,560 - Yeah. - How do you know? 385 00:34:24,087 --> 00:34:28,603 - What? - How do you know? 386 00:34:30,327 --> 00:34:33,160 We're waiting! 387 00:34:33,327 --> 00:34:37,115 Well, sometimes she calls me... 388 00:34:37,287 --> 00:34:39,562 ...The Hurricane. 389 00:34:39,727 --> 00:34:44,039 - The what? - The Hurricane. 390 00:34:44,207 --> 00:34:49,839 Yeah, I get it. Exciting at first, then it ends in disaster. 391 00:34:57,047 --> 00:34:59,959 You know, maybe she should call you FEMA. 392 00:35:02,407 --> 00:35:04,477 Now what does that mean? 393 00:35:04,647 --> 00:35:09,357 Slow to respond and not a lot of satisfying results. 394 00:35:12,687 --> 00:35:15,155 You should know. How long have you been married? 395 00:35:15,327 --> 00:35:17,682 - 47 years. - That's amazing. 396 00:35:17,847 --> 00:35:21,237 I know it. That old bitch will never die. 397 00:35:22,687 --> 00:35:25,281 - How long you been married? - 17 years. 398 00:35:25,447 --> 00:35:27,677 That's pretty good. How do you do it? 399 00:35:27,847 --> 00:35:31,237 I learned a long time ago that every couple argues. 400 00:35:31,407 --> 00:35:34,956 I learned that when we're in the middle of a big argument- 401 00:35:35,127 --> 00:35:37,846 - I just think of something completely different. 402 00:35:38,007 --> 00:35:41,238 That takes my mind off it, and I don't stay angry as long. 403 00:35:41,407 --> 00:35:44,319 So you think of something completely different? Like what? 404 00:35:44,487 --> 00:35:50,164 Oh I don't know. Like if you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? 405 00:36:02,367 --> 00:36:04,517 - Choke a Smurf? - Right. 406 00:36:04,687 --> 00:36:09,681 Is that what they're calling it now? 407 00:36:17,207 --> 00:36:20,677 What the hell happened to the chicken? 408 00:36:33,167 --> 00:36:36,239 Let me get back to marriage. You've been married a long time. 409 00:36:36,407 --> 00:36:39,717 - Do you still really love your wife? - Of course I love her. 410 00:36:39,887 --> 00:36:42,959 - Told her lately that you love her? - Naw. 411 00:36:43,127 --> 00:36:45,197 - Why not? - She knows it. 412 00:36:45,367 --> 00:36:49,042 - How does she know it? - I smile a lot. 413 00:36:52,127 --> 00:36:54,595 - Have you ever cheated on her? - No! 414 00:36:54,767 --> 00:36:57,281 Dammit. 415 00:36:57,447 --> 00:37:02,362 - Marriage is supposed to be forever. - And this one's taking too damn long. 416 00:37:02,527 --> 00:37:06,964 - Marriage is an institution. - So is Alcatraz. 417 00:37:07,127 --> 00:37:09,641 You can't compare marriage to prison. 418 00:37:09,807 --> 00:37:14,597 I guess you're right. The warden doesn't max out your credit cards. 419 00:37:14,767 --> 00:37:19,363 The other day she got me some of that spray- on hair crap in a can. 420 00:37:19,527 --> 00:37:24,043 - Did you use it? - Yeah. On your Chihuahua. 421 00:37:27,487 --> 00:37:30,957 Turned it into a Shi- Tzu. 422 00:37:31,127 --> 00:37:35,006 Your birthday wasn't too long ago. Did your wife get you anything? 423 00:37:35,167 --> 00:37:38,796 - She got me a book on reincarnation. - Do you believe in reincarnation? 424 00:37:38,967 --> 00:37:41,640 - Hell, I don't know. - Who would you come back as? 425 00:37:41,807 --> 00:37:45,959 I'd come back as my wife and leave me the hell alone. 426 00:37:50,007 --> 00:37:53,204 - You pick on her all the time. - Yeah, I know. 427 00:37:53,367 --> 00:37:57,645 Maybe one day, I'll be reincarnated and come back as a sensitive guy. 428 00:37:57,807 --> 00:38:02,244 Driving a blue fricking Prius. 429 00:38:10,727 --> 00:38:15,437 - That is the saddest little vehicle. - It's a great car! 430 00:38:15,607 --> 00:38:17,518 You ever heard it when you're driving by? 431 00:38:17,687 --> 00:38:21,157 It goes, IIIII'm gay. 432 00:38:26,127 --> 00:38:29,358 IIIII'm gay. 433 00:38:32,127 --> 00:38:35,802 When it idles it goes homohomohomohomo... 434 00:38:41,967 --> 00:38:45,004 - Is that a new watch? - No, I've had it a long time. 435 00:38:45,167 --> 00:38:50,764 A long time ago you had a rubber, plastic ugly funny name thing. 436 00:38:50,927 --> 00:38:54,283 That was years ago when I was in college. 437 00:38:54,447 --> 00:38:58,360 They were popular and might be coming back. It's called a Swatch. 438 00:38:58,527 --> 00:39:00,677 What in the hell is a Swatch? 439 00:39:00,847 --> 00:39:05,284 A company in Switzerland invented that watch, so they called it Swatch. 440 00:39:05,447 --> 00:39:08,325 Good thing they weren't in Croatia. 441 00:39:17,687 --> 00:39:22,158 What time is it?, I don't know, let me look at my Crotch. 442 00:39:26,487 --> 00:39:30,366 Sorry I'm late, but my Crotch is a little slow. 443 00:39:30,527 --> 00:39:34,918 - It's like the Timex, it takes a ... - Walter! 444 00:39:35,087 --> 00:39:38,159 That's Walter, there we go! 445 00:39:51,727 --> 00:39:53,718 Thank you. 446 00:39:53,887 --> 00:39:58,358 As we all know, there's a big mess in the Middle East right now. 447 00:39:58,527 --> 00:40:00,643 When it comes to the terrorists- 448 00:40:00,807 --> 00:40:04,436 - most of us don't understand their extremist views and beliefs. 449 00:40:04,607 --> 00:40:08,964 I was thinking, how would it be to sit and talk to one of those guys? 450 00:40:15,767 --> 00:40:19,442 We have that opportunity tonight. Please help me welcome- 451 00:40:19,607 --> 00:40:22,280 - Achmed, the Dead Terrorist. 452 00:40:45,407 --> 00:40:49,082 - Good evening, Achmed. - Good evening. 453 00:40:49,247 --> 00:40:52,717 Infidel. 454 00:40:52,887 --> 00:40:57,199 - So you're a terrorist. - Yes. I am a terrorist. 455 00:40:57,367 --> 00:41:03,556 - What kind of terrorist? - A terrifying...terrorist. 456 00:41:05,167 --> 00:41:08,682 - Are you scared? - Not really. No. 457 00:41:12,007 --> 00:41:15,477 - And now? - Not really. No. 458 00:41:19,807 --> 00:41:22,162 - How about now? - No. 459 00:41:22,327 --> 00:41:25,205 Goddammit. 460 00:41:28,567 --> 00:41:31,798 I mean...uh... I mean, Allahdammit. 461 00:41:33,007 --> 00:41:35,202 Silence! 462 00:41:35,367 --> 00:41:37,961 I kill you. 463 00:41:46,767 --> 00:41:50,282 - So, Achmed. - No, no. Is Achmed. 464 00:41:50,447 --> 00:41:54,235 - That's what I said. - No, you said Achmed. Is Achmed. 465 00:41:55,367 --> 00:41:58,006 Silence! 466 00:41:58,167 --> 00:42:01,159 I kill you. 467 00:42:08,487 --> 00:42:12,844 - How do you spell it? - What? 468 00:42:13,007 --> 00:42:16,556 - How do you spell your name? - Oh let's see. A. 469 00:42:16,727 --> 00:42:18,718 C... 470 00:42:19,767 --> 00:42:22,759 Phlegm. 471 00:42:24,967 --> 00:42:28,721 Silence! I kill you. 472 00:42:36,887 --> 00:42:40,641 As a terrorist, I suppose you have some sort of specialty. 473 00:42:40,807 --> 00:42:43,844 Yes. I am a suicide bomber. 474 00:42:44,007 --> 00:42:47,920 - So, you're finished. - What? 475 00:42:48,087 --> 00:42:50,920 - You've done your job. - No, I haven't. 476 00:42:51,087 --> 00:42:56,445 - You're dead. - No, I'm not. I feel fine. 477 00:42:56,607 --> 00:43:01,123 - But you're all bone. - Is a flesh wound. 478 00:43:01,287 --> 00:43:05,599 Silence! I kill you. 479 00:43:08,287 --> 00:43:12,519 What the hell happened to my feet? 480 00:43:12,687 --> 00:43:18,637 Son of a bitch. What the hell? What are you doing? Stop it! 481 00:43:18,807 --> 00:43:23,403 What are you trying to... Stop touching me! 482 00:43:28,887 --> 00:43:32,084 I kill you! 483 00:43:32,247 --> 00:43:34,761 - We'll fix this. - What are you doing? Holy crap! 484 00:43:34,927 --> 00:43:40,160 I'm in the air, wait wait. Something is backwards. Holy crap. 485 00:43:40,327 --> 00:43:43,080 I need some ligaments. 486 00:43:43,247 --> 00:43:45,397 - Just sit still. - Okay. 487 00:43:45,567 --> 00:43:48,798 I will not move my ass. 488 00:43:48,967 --> 00:43:53,597 You idiot, you don't have an ass! 489 00:44:01,207 --> 00:44:03,596 - Is that Walter? - Yeah. 490 00:44:03,767 --> 00:44:06,804 He scares the crap out of me. 491 00:44:08,527 --> 00:44:11,758 Please, do not put me back in the same suitcase. 492 00:44:11,927 --> 00:44:15,886 - Why? - He has gas! 493 00:44:16,047 --> 00:44:21,041 Saddam's mustard gas was nothing compared to a Walter fart. 494 00:44:21,207 --> 00:44:25,644 Ah, ha ha ha ha. 495 00:44:31,207 --> 00:44:36,281 It's not funny. He will kill us. 496 00:44:36,447 --> 00:44:38,722 Listen, I have something to tell you. 497 00:44:38,887 --> 00:44:41,640 - What? - You really are dead. 498 00:44:41,807 --> 00:44:47,359 Are you sure? I just got my flu shot. 499 00:44:47,527 --> 00:44:49,882 - You really are dead. - Wait, if I'm dead... 500 00:44:50,047 --> 00:44:53,722 That means I get my 72 virgins. 501 00:44:56,687 --> 00:44:59,360 Are you my virgins? 502 00:44:59,527 --> 00:45:02,166 - I hope not. - Why? 503 00:45:02,327 --> 00:45:06,036 There's a bunch of ugly- ass guys out there. 504 00:45:08,847 --> 00:45:12,681 If this is Paradise, I've been screwed! 505 00:45:12,847 --> 00:45:15,566 Did they say it would be only female virgins? 506 00:45:15,727 --> 00:45:18,287 Holy crap! 507 00:45:25,887 --> 00:45:29,766 Wait! I can have Clay Aiken. 508 00:45:35,087 --> 00:45:38,318 I told a joke. 509 00:45:38,487 --> 00:45:44,676 - Achmed, where did you come from? - Your fricking suitcase. 510 00:45:44,847 --> 00:45:46,838 I told another one. 511 00:45:47,007 --> 00:45:49,077 If you've been in my suitcase- 512 00:45:49,247 --> 00:45:52,557 - how have we been getting through airport security? 513 00:45:52,727 --> 00:45:59,166 That's easy. They open the case and I go, Hello! I am Lindsay Lohan! 514 00:46:04,167 --> 00:46:09,116 I told another joke! I can do this crap too. 515 00:46:09,287 --> 00:46:12,324 Here's another one. Two Jews walk in a bar... 516 00:46:12,487 --> 00:46:14,842 - No. No. - What? 517 00:46:15,007 --> 00:46:17,567 You don't let Jews in your bar? 518 00:46:17,727 --> 00:46:20,400 You racist bastard. 519 00:46:20,567 --> 00:46:24,276 What I mean is, I don't want racist jokes in my act. 520 00:46:24,447 --> 00:46:27,598 Oh. Okay. How about if I kill the Jews? 521 00:46:27,767 --> 00:46:30,520 I'm kidding. I would not kill the Jews. 522 00:46:30,687 --> 00:46:36,444 I would toss a penny between them and watch them fight to the death. 523 00:46:40,647 --> 00:46:47,166 Yes, yes. I did the same thing with two Catholic priests and a small boy. 524 00:46:52,487 --> 00:46:57,356 Yes, yes. And the winner had to fight Michael Jackson! 525 00:47:00,327 --> 00:47:02,682 Achmed, stop doing this! 526 00:47:02,847 --> 00:47:07,363 - You can't tell jokes like that. - Why not? I'm killing, so to speak. 527 00:47:07,527 --> 00:47:10,360 You can't tell jokes like that. It offends people. 528 00:47:10,527 --> 00:47:13,724 I'm dead, what do I care? 529 00:47:13,887 --> 00:47:16,924 What do you want me to do, knock- knock jokes? 530 00:47:17,087 --> 00:47:19,442 - It would be better. - Okay, knock- knock. 531 00:47:19,607 --> 00:47:22,440 - Who's there? - Me, I kill you. 532 00:47:22,607 --> 00:47:25,565 As a suicide bomber, did you have training? 533 00:47:25,727 --> 00:47:28,924 Of course. We had the suicide bomber training camp. 534 00:47:29,087 --> 00:47:33,399 - Is that a nice facility? - It used to be. 535 00:47:33,567 --> 00:47:36,764 - What happened? - New guy! 536 00:47:36,927 --> 00:47:40,317 The idiot tried to practice. 537 00:47:40,487 --> 00:47:45,402 - What did you guys learn from that? - Location, location, location. 538 00:47:47,527 --> 00:47:51,679 Do you have a motto, like... We're looking for a few good men. 539 00:47:51,847 --> 00:47:55,476 We're looking for some idiots with no future. 540 00:47:55,647 --> 00:48:01,802 - Where do you get your recruits? - The suicide hotline. 541 00:48:04,927 --> 00:48:08,442 That was dark, was it not? 542 00:48:08,607 --> 00:48:12,282 What exactly happened to you? What happened? 543 00:48:12,447 --> 00:48:17,316 If you must know, I am a horrible suicide bomber. 544 00:48:17,487 --> 00:48:22,163 - What happened? - I had a premature detonation. 545 00:48:22,327 --> 00:48:27,401 I set the timer for 30 minutes, but it went off in 4 seconds. 546 00:48:27,567 --> 00:48:31,560 You know what that's like, right? 547 00:48:37,807 --> 00:48:41,800 Mr. Hurricane. 548 00:48:43,007 --> 00:48:46,238 Ha ha ha ha ha. 549 00:48:48,367 --> 00:48:51,200 Achmed, what exactly happened to you? 550 00:48:51,367 --> 00:48:55,201 I was getting gasoline and I answered my cell phone. 551 00:48:55,367 --> 00:48:58,404 Can you hear me n...? 552 00:48:58,567 --> 00:49:02,799 At first, I thought it was because I went over my minutes. 553 00:49:02,967 --> 00:49:08,200 It's okay, I took that Verizon bastard with me. 554 00:49:15,447 --> 00:49:18,484 What's it like to die? Do you see a white light? 555 00:49:18,647 --> 00:49:21,844 If you're dumb enough to watch the explosion, yes. 556 00:49:22,007 --> 00:49:25,522 Some people say when they die they see a white light. What did you see? 557 00:49:25,687 --> 00:49:27,882 I saw flying car parts... 558 00:49:28,047 --> 00:49:30,641 What was the last thing through your mind? 559 00:49:30,807 --> 00:49:33,799 My ass. 560 00:49:35,087 --> 00:49:38,204 Walter told me to tell that joke. 561 00:49:38,367 --> 00:49:45,125 - You never saw a white light? - No, but I saw a blue Prius. 562 00:49:47,167 --> 00:49:50,762 Do you really have one of those vehicles? 563 00:49:52,127 --> 00:49:55,756 That is not a car. That's a lunchbox. 564 00:49:55,927 --> 00:49:59,476 Did you know, when you're going down the highway in a Prius- 565 00:49:59,647 --> 00:50:04,596 If you put your hand out the window, the vehicle will turn? 566 00:50:04,767 --> 00:50:07,725 - You did this for a bunch of virgins? - Are you kidding me? 567 00:50:07,887 --> 00:50:11,846 I'd kill you for a Klondike bar. 568 00:50:13,047 --> 00:50:16,198 - So, I guess you are Muslim? - I don't think so, no. 569 00:50:16,367 --> 00:50:21,122 Look at my ass. Made in China. 570 00:50:21,287 --> 00:50:26,645 Walter says I'm just a stinking Halloween decoration. 571 00:50:29,487 --> 00:50:33,116 - Do you like being in D.C.? - I think some idiots must live here. 572 00:50:33,287 --> 00:50:36,279 - Why? - The Washington Monument. 573 00:50:36,447 --> 00:50:41,601 - Yes? - It looks nothing like the guy. 574 00:50:41,767 --> 00:50:46,921 It looks more like a tribute to Bill Clinton. 575 00:50:53,167 --> 00:50:55,442 - What do you think of Bush? - Oh, I love bush. 576 00:50:55,607 --> 00:50:58,440 Oh, you mean the President. I'm sorry! 577 00:50:58,607 --> 00:51:02,077 That's Achmed, the Dead Terrorist! There we go. 578 00:51:09,567 --> 00:51:14,243 Thank you. There's never been a better time than right now- 579 00:51:14,287 --> 00:51:16,403 - to introduce a brand new superhero. 580 00:51:16,527 --> 00:51:18,518 We have that very thing this evening. 581 00:51:18,687 --> 00:51:21,247 He's big. He's powerful. Please help me welcome- 582 00:51:21,407 --> 00:51:26,003 - the superhero...Melvin. 583 00:51:33,407 --> 00:51:37,400 H...h... Hi! 584 00:51:37,567 --> 00:51:39,558 - Good to see you, Melvin. - Thank you. 585 00:51:39,727 --> 00:51:43,640 It's nice being here in our nation's capital. 586 00:51:43,807 --> 00:51:47,766 So, you're a superhero. What is your most outstanding feature? 587 00:51:50,567 --> 00:51:53,320 My costume. 588 00:51:53,487 --> 00:51:55,955 - It's a very nice costume. - Thank you. 589 00:51:56,127 --> 00:51:59,483 - What does the 'D' stand for? - Oh, that's my theme song. 590 00:51:59,647 --> 00:52:05,040 - What's your theme song? - Da da- da daa! 591 00:52:05,207 --> 00:52:09,962 - Where did you get the costume? - That is a superhero secret! 592 00:52:10,127 --> 00:52:12,925 - EBay? - Dammit! 593 00:52:13,087 --> 00:52:17,285 - How did you deduce that? - A tag on the back says EBay. 594 00:52:17,447 --> 00:52:20,484 It's as plain as the nose... Oops, sorry. 595 00:52:20,647 --> 00:52:24,401 Okay, so you're a superhero. Do you fight crime? 596 00:52:24,567 --> 00:52:27,127 - Yes, of course! - What kind of crime? 597 00:52:27,287 --> 00:52:29,676 Bad kind. 598 00:52:29,847 --> 00:52:35,080 - So what have you done lately? - Today, I was battling a terrorist. 599 00:52:35,247 --> 00:52:38,045 - Achmed? - Yes. 600 00:52:38,207 --> 00:52:42,598 - And what kind of battle? - Checkers. 601 00:52:44,647 --> 00:52:49,118 Every time I'd get a king, he'd blow it up. 602 00:52:49,287 --> 00:52:52,597 - So what did you do? - I issued a verbal threat. 603 00:52:52,767 --> 00:52:57,124 And then Walter gassed him. 604 00:53:04,647 --> 00:53:07,480 - Melvin, do you have any powers? - Yes! 605 00:53:07,647 --> 00:53:10,798 - Like what? - I can fly. Really far. 606 00:53:10,967 --> 00:53:16,087 - How far? - How far can you throw me? 607 00:53:16,247 --> 00:53:19,683 - Do you have other powers? - X- ray vision! 608 00:53:19,847 --> 00:53:22,998 Can you see through something practical, like clothes? 609 00:53:23,167 --> 00:53:26,318 Oh, you're sick. 610 00:53:26,487 --> 00:53:29,126 Yes. 611 00:53:29,287 --> 00:53:32,996 I love looking at boobies. 612 00:53:35,807 --> 00:53:39,880 That's a beautiful pair, isn't it? 613 00:53:40,047 --> 00:53:45,644 I'm glad I'm wearing loose shorts. 614 00:53:45,807 --> 00:53:53,487 Oh, I forgot. I can't see through silicone. 615 00:53:53,647 --> 00:53:57,925 What? They're good. Those are super- hooters. 616 00:53:58,087 --> 00:54:02,603 If she had a theme song, it would be Ta ta- ta taa! 617 00:54:06,927 --> 00:54:12,479 If she had a costume, she'd have two Ds on her chest. 618 00:54:12,647 --> 00:54:15,684 - I can look but I can't touch. - Why? 619 00:54:15,847 --> 00:54:18,998 I'm lactose intolerant. 620 00:54:19,167 --> 00:54:24,195 You can fly and have x- ray vision. Those are the same as Superman! 621 00:54:24,367 --> 00:54:29,157 - Can you stop a speeding bullet? - Once. 622 00:54:32,527 --> 00:54:37,078 Shut up! It hurts like hell. 623 00:54:37,247 --> 00:54:39,761 Can you leap tall buildings in a single bound? 624 00:54:39,927 --> 00:54:44,637 Why the hell would I do that? There's not a lot of call for that. 625 00:54:44,807 --> 00:54:48,402 - Superman does that. - Show- off. 626 00:54:48,567 --> 00:54:52,845 He could avoid all the fuss and just walk around the effing thing. 627 00:54:54,087 --> 00:54:58,444 I can't curse. think the President should. 628 00:54:58,607 --> 00:55:01,565 - The President? - Yeah. Think about it. 629 00:55:01,727 --> 00:55:08,326 We had the A- bomb, the H- bomb. It's time for him to drop the F- bomb. 630 00:55:16,367 --> 00:55:20,280 He could go, Hey, terrorists! F you! 631 00:55:20,447 --> 00:55:23,917 So, like Superman, do you change clothes in a phone booth? 632 00:55:24,087 --> 00:55:26,282 What? 633 00:55:26,447 --> 00:55:30,645 - Superman does that too. - He's got issues, doesn't he? 634 00:55:30,807 --> 00:55:33,605 My wife met Lois Lane once. 635 00:55:33,767 --> 00:55:38,158 She said she acted like an H- O- R- E. 636 00:55:38,327 --> 00:55:40,966 You mean a W- H- O- R- E. 637 00:55:41,127 --> 00:55:47,839 What's a 'w- hore'? Is that like a Klingon? 638 00:55:48,007 --> 00:55:50,726 So you're married. Does your wife have any powers? 639 00:55:50,887 --> 00:55:52,798 - Yes. - Like what? 640 00:55:52,967 --> 00:55:56,801 Once a month... 641 00:55:58,287 --> 00:56:01,438 She becomes evil. 642 00:56:01,607 --> 00:56:04,679 And I cannot defeat her. 643 00:56:04,847 --> 00:56:10,205 Our children run in terror. Our big dog cowers under the couch. 644 00:56:10,367 --> 00:56:14,963 - You have a big dog? - Actually, I borrowed your Chihuahua. 645 00:56:15,127 --> 00:56:20,326 Superman has a dog, Krypto. He has all the same powers as Superman. 646 00:56:20,487 --> 00:56:23,843 That's ridiculous. If Krypto sniffs your crotch- 647 00:56:24,007 --> 00:56:27,841 - he'll suck your lungs out your ass. 648 00:56:29,607 --> 00:56:34,078 If he humps your leg, you'll be in traction for a year. 649 00:56:34,247 --> 00:56:40,482 - Do you have an arch enemy? - Pinocchio. 650 00:56:40,647 --> 00:56:43,684 - Do you have a weakness? - Cupcakes. 651 00:56:43,847 --> 00:56:47,726 And porn. 652 00:56:47,887 --> 00:56:51,880 What? Not at the same time. 653 00:56:52,047 --> 00:56:56,404 I need a free hand. 654 00:57:02,327 --> 00:57:05,364 So, when there's a problem, how are you summoned? 655 00:57:05,527 --> 00:57:09,076 I'm making a deal with the Commissioner to light up the sky- 656 00:57:09,247 --> 00:57:11,761 - with a spotlight of my symbol. 657 00:57:11,927 --> 00:57:16,045 - What's your symbol? - A big nose in the sky. 658 00:57:16,207 --> 00:57:21,156 Trouble is, sometimes it doesn't exactly look like a nose. 659 00:57:28,007 --> 00:57:32,205 It's not a cupcake, either. 660 00:57:32,367 --> 00:57:35,359 Da da- da daa! 661 00:57:35,527 --> 00:57:37,518 Are you friends with other superheroes? 662 00:57:37,687 --> 00:57:39,962 - Some of them. - How about Aquaman? 663 00:57:40,127 --> 00:57:43,483 I like Aquaman, he can breathe underwater and talk to fish. 664 00:57:43,647 --> 00:57:48,482 Yeah, great. He has all the same powers as Sponge Bob. 665 00:57:50,047 --> 00:57:52,322 - How about the Hulk? - Why do you like the Hulk? 666 00:57:52,487 --> 00:57:54,717 The angrier he gets, the stronger he gets. 667 00:57:54,887 --> 00:57:59,517 Yeah, like every white trash guy on Cops . 668 00:58:03,967 --> 00:58:07,846 - I like the Flash. - He has no powers! 669 00:58:08,007 --> 00:58:11,079 He's on Meth. 670 00:58:11,247 --> 00:58:14,876 - Cat Woman? - I used to date Cat Woman. 671 00:58:15,047 --> 00:58:20,724 She gave me something I had to take medicine to get rid of. 672 00:58:20,887 --> 00:58:23,924 And boy, does it itch. 673 00:58:24,087 --> 00:58:27,523 And now it burns when I fly. 674 00:58:27,687 --> 00:58:31,043 Da da- da daa... 675 00:58:46,767 --> 00:58:50,316 Son of a bitch! 676 00:58:50,487 --> 00:58:53,923 It's the terrorists, I tell you. 677 00:58:57,527 --> 00:59:01,122 I look like Lex Luthor. 678 00:59:01,287 --> 00:59:06,281 - Can you put it back? - Sure. Here we go. 679 00:59:06,447 --> 00:59:10,918 - How's that? - Da da- da daa. 680 00:59:18,487 --> 00:59:21,559 That kinda sucked. 681 00:59:21,727 --> 00:59:26,357 - Do superheroes date each other? - We date mortals sometimes, too. 682 00:59:26,527 --> 00:59:30,998 Did you know that Superman was dating Rosie O'Donnell? 683 00:59:31,167 --> 00:59:33,203 - I did not know that. - He had to quit. 684 00:59:33,367 --> 00:59:36,518 Because she got too big. 685 00:59:36,687 --> 00:59:41,158 He took her on one flight and threw out his back. 686 00:59:41,327 --> 00:59:45,036 Embarrassing when you're flying a girl around Metropolis- 687 00:59:45,207 --> 00:59:48,802 - and your feet are still dragging the sidewalk. 688 00:59:53,487 --> 00:59:56,763 Da da- da daa. 689 00:59:56,927 --> 01:00:01,796 This looks like a job for Slim- Fast! 690 01:00:04,287 --> 01:00:07,165 - One last guy, how about Batman? - Oh. 691 01:00:07,327 --> 01:00:11,764 A grown man in a rubber suit, running around with a young boy? 692 01:00:11,927 --> 01:00:17,047 I don't have to have x- ray vision to see what the hell's going on there. 693 01:00:17,207 --> 01:00:21,120 I wondered about these superheroes and their young men side kicks. 694 01:00:25,647 --> 01:00:30,437 You have five men in a suitcase. 695 01:00:30,607 --> 01:00:34,566 And one of them's on a stick. 696 01:00:43,367 --> 01:00:47,599 Who is sliding down the proverbial Bat pole now? 697 01:00:47,767 --> 01:00:52,887 If you had a theme song, it would be La la- la laa. 698 01:00:53,047 --> 01:00:58,963 - You know, I have a wife and kids. - So does Tom Cruise! 699 01:01:00,007 --> 01:01:03,044 And that's Melvin the Superhero. There we go. 700 01:01:08,527 --> 01:01:10,916 Thank you. 701 01:01:16,167 --> 01:01:19,079 Thank you so much. 702 01:01:19,247 --> 01:01:23,206 If you've seen my show before, you'll recognize this next guy. 703 01:01:23,367 --> 01:01:26,518 Please help me welcome my buddy, Peanut. 704 01:01:37,087 --> 01:01:39,476 - How you doing, Peanut? - Pretty good, how are you? 705 01:01:39,647 --> 01:01:43,526 - I'm fine. - That's good, that's gooooooood. 706 01:01:44,887 --> 01:01:49,119 - So, you like it here? - Oh, I love being in D.C. 707 01:01:49,287 --> 01:01:54,839 D.C! It's great. And I love this theater, the Warner Theater. 708 01:01:55,007 --> 01:01:57,760 It's fantastic. And they've got a cool website. 709 01:01:57,927 --> 01:02:00,964 And a link to our website which is jeffdunham.com. 710 01:02:01,127 --> 01:02:03,846 - The thing that... - Peanut, stop... 711 01:02:04,007 --> 01:02:07,238 What? 712 01:02:07,407 --> 01:02:12,720 The hell is wrong with you? We cannot talk at the same time! 713 01:02:19,847 --> 01:02:23,157 I talk, you talk. I talk, you talk, that's it! 714 01:02:23,327 --> 01:02:27,081 Focus. 715 01:02:30,727 --> 01:02:33,844 I am so sick of this crap. 716 01:02:34,007 --> 01:02:38,000 - I have tried going solo. - What happened? 717 01:02:38,167 --> 01:02:43,036 I kept falling off this fricking thing. 718 01:02:43,207 --> 01:02:45,277 Why did you interrupt me? 719 01:02:45,447 --> 01:02:49,076 - You mispronounced my last name. - I know. 720 01:02:49,247 --> 01:02:53,320 - It's Dunham. - Not when you look at it. Dun- Ham. 721 01:02:53,487 --> 01:02:56,285 Haaaaaam. 722 01:02:56,447 --> 01:03:00,042 You're the other white meat. 723 01:03:03,367 --> 01:03:05,676 Don't confuse everyone. It's Dunham. 724 01:03:05,847 --> 01:03:08,156 It says Dun- ham ham ham ham. 725 01:03:16,687 --> 01:03:21,715 Jeff Dun Ham. Dot Com. 726 01:03:21,887 --> 01:03:26,677 Jeff Dun Ham. Dot Com. 727 01:03:30,847 --> 01:03:36,319 And when you think about it for 30 seconds, it's Jefa Fa Dun Ham. 728 01:03:37,327 --> 01:03:39,363 Dot Com. 729 01:03:39,527 --> 01:03:43,520 Jefa Fa. You're using an unneeded 'F'. 730 01:03:43,687 --> 01:03:48,841 Jefa Fa. Dun Ham. 731 01:03:49,007 --> 01:03:51,919 Dot Com. 732 01:03:55,487 --> 01:03:59,878 Am I pissing you ofa fa? 733 01:04:09,287 --> 01:04:11,755 Jefa Fa? 734 01:04:11,927 --> 01:04:16,443 Dun Ham. Dot Com. 735 01:04:16,607 --> 01:04:21,965 The weird part is, I am actually pissing him off. 736 01:04:22,127 --> 01:04:25,961 And he would like to kill me. But he will not- 737 01:04:26,127 --> 01:04:30,120 - because that would be a form of suicide. 738 01:04:31,607 --> 01:04:33,677 - You want to kill me. - No, I don't. 739 01:04:33,847 --> 01:04:39,797 Yes, yes, yes. Search your feelings, Jefa Fa. 740 01:04:43,607 --> 01:04:47,839 Dun Ham. Dot Com. 741 01:04:58,327 --> 01:05:02,639 - What? - Dude, you need a Tic- Tac. 742 01:05:07,727 --> 01:05:12,084 You know what your breath smells like? Done ham. 743 01:05:13,927 --> 01:05:15,918 Dot Com. 744 01:05:19,847 --> 01:05:22,281 What the hell was that? 745 01:05:22,447 --> 01:05:24,677 - What? - What did you just do? 746 01:05:24,847 --> 01:05:28,476 - I didn't do anything. - You picked your nose. 747 01:05:28,647 --> 01:05:34,119 Did you see that? - Oh my God. 748 01:05:34,287 --> 01:05:39,236 You fricking picked...your nose! 749 01:05:53,287 --> 01:05:57,121 - What? - You didn't do a very good job! 750 01:06:06,647 --> 01:06:09,719 - There's still something there. - Cut it out! 751 01:06:09,887 --> 01:06:12,959 - You gotta get it. It's wiggling. - Stop it! 752 01:06:13,127 --> 01:06:18,326 Oh wait! You're a ventriloquist. Make it talk. 753 01:06:22,247 --> 01:06:27,605 That'd be funny as hell! Only give it a French accent. 754 01:06:27,767 --> 01:06:33,364 Bonjour! I would like to come out of your nose! 755 01:06:37,327 --> 01:06:39,557 Stop it. 756 01:06:54,927 --> 01:06:57,680 Holy crap, you're quick. 757 01:06:57,847 --> 01:07:02,159 It's like you know. 758 01:07:19,247 --> 01:07:22,080 You do that now, you just go... 759 01:07:22,247 --> 01:07:27,640 - That's always been your thing. - You do it. Short one, long one. 760 01:07:27,807 --> 01:07:30,719 Do it! 761 01:07:36,967 --> 01:07:39,765 Do it. 762 01:07:43,567 --> 01:07:49,881 What the hell was that? You sound like some anemic French guy. 763 01:07:53,127 --> 01:07:55,721 German: jawohl ! 764 01:07:55,887 --> 01:07:59,197 Chinese: 765 01:07:59,367 --> 01:08:01,961 Gay guy: 766 01:08:08,647 --> 01:08:13,846 Oh, oh! Wait, wait. A guy driving a blue Prius: 767 01:08:22,487 --> 01:08:25,001 You know what would be funny as hell? 768 01:08:25,167 --> 01:08:31,322 When this gets on Comedy Central, if the show is sponsored by Toyota. 769 01:08:35,447 --> 01:08:38,883 And they have no idea. 770 01:08:39,047 --> 01:08:43,006 One night they're watching this like, Hey! 771 01:08:43,167 --> 01:08:47,877 He making fun of our cars! 772 01:08:52,847 --> 01:08:56,044 He say our car is gay. 773 01:08:56,207 --> 01:08:59,324 It not gay, he gay. 774 01:08:59,487 --> 01:09:02,001 Let's get Godzilla to kill him. 775 01:09:13,527 --> 01:09:16,439 - It's a tiny little car, isn't it? - It's small. 776 01:09:16,607 --> 01:09:22,239 I bet to get in and out, you gotta use a lot of lotion. 777 01:09:36,847 --> 01:09:41,398 - That's not funny. - They are laughing like hell. 778 01:09:43,287 --> 01:09:46,085 - Does your wife drive that car? - The Prius? Oh, sure. 779 01:09:46,247 --> 01:09:49,000 - Good. How's she doing? - My wife? She's fine. 780 01:09:49,167 --> 01:09:51,806 - Oh, good. How's the family? - They're fine. 781 01:09:51,967 --> 01:09:56,358 - Oh, good! I was just wondering. - Thanks a lot. 782 01:09:56,527 --> 01:09:58,518 - Everything's fine? - Everything's fine. 783 01:09:58,687 --> 01:10:03,841 I just want to make sure. Because I'm your pal. 784 01:10:04,007 --> 01:10:07,716 - Thank you. - So I'm concerned. 785 01:10:07,887 --> 01:10:12,597 - About what? - I was just thinking the other day. 786 01:10:12,767 --> 01:10:18,637 We're on the road a lot. You're away from home a lot. 787 01:10:18,807 --> 01:10:23,039 And your wife's at home alone. A lot. 788 01:10:23,207 --> 01:10:27,086 - Okay? - Yeah. 789 01:10:27,247 --> 01:10:31,035 - She's not exactly bad- looking. - No. 790 01:10:31,207 --> 01:10:33,846 She's hot. 791 01:10:35,287 --> 01:10:39,360 And her prime is now. 792 01:10:39,527 --> 01:10:44,555 Yours was 20 years ago. 793 01:10:49,967 --> 01:10:53,755 And she's home. Alone. 794 01:10:53,927 --> 01:10:56,646 Are you sure? 795 01:10:56,807 --> 01:11:00,925 - Yeah. - How do you know? 796 01:11:01,087 --> 01:11:05,000 I trust her. 797 01:11:06,887 --> 01:11:09,765 What if she's been with someone else? 798 01:11:09,927 --> 01:11:12,919 Like...me! 799 01:11:13,087 --> 01:11:16,966 Oh, come on. You go purple, you never go back! 800 01:11:22,247 --> 01:11:25,125 I really don't think my wife has slept with you, Peanut. 801 01:11:25,287 --> 01:11:29,678 Well, think about this for a second. In a twisted kind of way- 802 01:11:29,847 --> 01:11:34,557 All five of us on stage have slept with your wife. 803 01:11:36,807 --> 01:11:39,765 When you're wacky and having a great time, that's me! 804 01:11:39,927 --> 01:11:42,236 When you're pissed off, lying there thinking- 805 01:11:42,407 --> 01:11:47,356 - why did I marry this broad?, that's Walter. 806 01:11:47,527 --> 01:11:52,123 When you're so angry you want to kill her, that's Achmed. 807 01:11:52,287 --> 01:11:55,484 So what is Jose Jalapeno on a Stick? 808 01:11:55,647 --> 01:11:59,162 You're a sick man! 809 01:11:59,327 --> 01:12:03,206 And here he is, Jose Jalapeno on a Stick! 810 01:12:12,407 --> 01:12:17,197 - Good evening, Jose. - Hola, Senor Heff. 811 01:12:17,367 --> 01:12:21,155 - It's good to see you. - Gracias, Senor Heff. 812 01:12:21,327 --> 01:12:24,524 - Excuse me! Who the hell is 'Heff'? - That's Jeff. 813 01:12:24,687 --> 01:12:27,281 - No, he said 'Heff'. - It's the same thing. 814 01:12:27,447 --> 01:12:29,802 No, it's not. 815 01:12:29,967 --> 01:12:32,765 - Jose, what did you say? - I say Senor Heff. 816 01:12:32,927 --> 01:12:35,805 What the f...Now he said 'Cheff'. 817 01:12:35,967 --> 01:12:40,643 - It's all the same. - Didn't you watch Sesame Street? 818 01:12:40,807 --> 01:12:44,846 Jeff is Jeff, Heff is Heff and Cheff is Cheff. 819 01:12:45,007 --> 01:12:49,285 One of these things just doesn’t belong here! 820 01:12:56,647 --> 01:13:01,277 Tonight's show is sponsored by the sound chhhhhh. 821 01:13:01,447 --> 01:13:05,998 - I'm sorry, Jose. - Is okay. He's an idiot. 822 01:13:06,167 --> 01:13:13,278 You're on a stick. Stica ka. Jefa fa. 823 01:13:15,807 --> 01:13:19,595 I have a question for Josie. 824 01:13:27,247 --> 01:13:29,681 My name is Jose. 825 01:13:29,847 --> 01:13:36,036 Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were in America, speaking fricking English. 826 01:13:36,207 --> 01:13:40,325 But I didn't see the little...over the 'e'. 827 01:13:40,487 --> 01:13:44,878 Which magically changes Josie into fricking Jose. 828 01:13:45,047 --> 01:13:47,720 And I didn't see the...over the 'n'- 829 01:13:47,887 --> 01:13:51,960 - which changes jalapeno into jalapeno. 830 01:13:52,127 --> 01:13:54,322 So a...over the 'n' and a...over the 'e'. 831 01:13:54,487 --> 01:14:00,437 Two keys I can never fricking find on a fricking keyboard. 832 01:14:03,887 --> 01:14:07,766 Apparently it's a secret known only to the Mexicans. 833 01:14:07,927 --> 01:14:12,717 So, Jose, when you're typing... Oh! I'm sorry. 834 01:14:18,407 --> 01:14:22,878 Talk about 'hunt and peck'. 835 01:14:23,047 --> 01:14:28,644 - I'm sorry, Jose. - Is OK. I'll hire Achmed to kill him. 836 01:14:28,807 --> 01:14:31,799 So, what's your question? And be nice. 837 01:14:31,967 --> 01:14:36,643 - You're a jalapeno. - Si, senor. On a stick. 838 01:14:36,807 --> 01:14:41,039 - You're a Mexican jalapeno. - On a stick. 839 01:14:41,207 --> 01:14:44,643 Are you a legal Mexican Jalapeno? 840 01:14:46,687 --> 01:14:50,441 - What? What did I say? - This is not the appropriate time. 841 01:14:50,607 --> 01:14:56,079 Too late! So, Jose, are you legal? Are you legal, legal, legal, lega...? 842 01:14:58,767 --> 01:15:01,486 - What? - I know the answer to the question. 843 01:15:01,647 --> 01:15:03,638 Jose? Are you legal to be in this country? 844 01:15:03,807 --> 01:15:06,958 Si, senor. I have my green card. 845 01:15:07,127 --> 01:15:12,440 - Where is your green card? - It's in my other stick. 846 01:15:15,767 --> 01:15:19,965 - Did you know he had another stick? - I had no idea. 847 01:15:20,127 --> 01:15:26,521 You know what that means? That means that one comes out! 848 01:15:38,967 --> 01:15:44,678 Oh my God! I thought it was just stuck up his ass. 849 01:15:44,847 --> 01:15:48,123 - What's wrong? - He doesn't have an ass. 850 01:15:48,287 --> 01:15:50,278 - It's just a jalapeno. - On a stick. 851 01:15:50,447 --> 01:15:52,722 I know! 852 01:15:52,887 --> 01:15:55,321 - How did he get on the stick? - I don't know. 853 01:15:55,487 --> 01:15:58,638 Probably a horrible pogo accident. 854 01:15:58,807 --> 01:16:02,197 You know...doink doink. 855 01:16:04,367 --> 01:16:07,564 Ole! 856 01:16:13,647 --> 01:16:17,083 Jose, immigration is a big topic in the country right now. 857 01:16:17,247 --> 01:16:20,762 Would you mind if I ask a few questions? 858 01:16:20,927 --> 01:16:24,681 There are more National Guard on the border between USA and Mexico. 859 01:16:24,847 --> 01:16:26,838 - Does this concern you? - No, senor. 860 01:16:27,007 --> 01:16:31,683 - Why not? - He's already here! 861 01:16:34,527 --> 01:16:38,076 You really are an idiot! 862 01:16:38,247 --> 01:16:42,479 Jose, are you here on a temporary visa, or on a work visa? 863 01:16:42,647 --> 01:16:46,356 He's here on a stick. 864 01:16:49,007 --> 01:16:53,205 - Do you enjoy being in this country? - Sometimes I'm afraid for my life. 865 01:16:53,367 --> 01:16:56,962 - Why? - Taco Bell. 866 01:17:04,287 --> 01:17:07,359 - Jose, do you have a new girlfriend? - Si, senor. 867 01:17:07,527 --> 01:17:11,440 - What, a fricking pickle on a pencil? - Stop it! 868 01:17:14,687 --> 01:17:16,962 - Peanut, are you prejudiced? - No! 869 01:17:17,127 --> 01:17:22,326 A bunch of my best friends are on sticks. 870 01:17:22,487 --> 01:17:25,001 Peanut, I meant are you prejudiced towards Mexicans? 871 01:17:25,167 --> 01:17:29,479 No. My mother's Mexican. 872 01:17:31,807 --> 01:17:35,083 Okay, I meant New Mexican. 873 01:17:35,247 --> 01:17:39,001 She's like Jose, just...fresher. 874 01:17:39,167 --> 01:17:42,682 - Jose, you speak English very well. - Gracias, senor. 875 01:17:42,847 --> 01:17:46,283 What were some of the first phrases in English that you learned? 876 01:17:46,447 --> 01:17:50,122 Will you help me push my car? 877 01:18:02,527 --> 01:18:06,406 - Does this ID look real? - Will you s... 878 01:18:06,567 --> 01:18:11,163 - Where's the nearest Home Depot? - Stop it! 879 01:18:11,327 --> 01:18:15,923 Actually, the last one was true. 880 01:18:16,087 --> 01:18:19,477 I'm sorry about this, Jose. I'm happy to have you in the act. 881 01:18:19,647 --> 01:18:21,763 - Gracias, senor. - Just make sure he's legal. 882 01:18:21,927 --> 01:18:26,239 - He's legal. Why are you concerned? - Are you not concerned? 883 01:18:26,407 --> 01:18:30,685 - Why should I be concerned? - He works for you! 884 01:18:30,847 --> 01:18:35,318 Some of those laws pass and he's not legal, it's your ass thrown in jail. 885 01:18:35,487 --> 01:18:38,718 And trust me, you would not do well in prison. 886 01:18:38,887 --> 01:18:43,085 - Why not? - Come here, puppet boy! 887 01:18:50,447 --> 01:18:54,235 Make your daddy talk. 888 01:18:54,407 --> 01:18:58,525 That's nice. So you're pretty sure I'd soon become someone's... 889 01:18:58,687 --> 01:19:00,882 - Bitch. - Right. 890 01:19:01,047 --> 01:19:03,197 On a stick. 891 01:19:03,367 --> 01:19:09,920 You guys have been an awesome audience. Thank you. Good night.