All those kids and their hipping and their hopping.
Pull up your damned pants, you morons!
Second Comedy Central special, it's gonna be great!
No, Mommy. I don't want to wear the pink bow.
He even does this in his sleep. What a freak!
Would you idiots give it a rest?
Would you like to see my stick?
Thank you!
Thank you.
Are you doing alright? Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Alright. Thank you. Thank you so much.
You can't fool me. I know it's all for the little guys in the suitcase.
Thank you for coming out tonight. This is such a pleasure.
Before we start, I must say it is a true honor to be in this theater-
- with you people, in the capital of the greatest country in the world-
- the United States of America.
In driving around the city the last couple of days-
I couldn't help but realize that here in D.C., like everywhere else-
- gas prices suck!
My wife and I live in L.A., and we were owners of 2 big SUVs.
We decided to do the economically and ecologically right thing.
We got rid of one of the big, giant SUVs and got a Prius.
I don't know why you're laughing, it's a great vehicle.
You jump on the freeway and punch it, it goes:
When you can drive underneath an 18- wheeler and go:
That's really dirty, and drive back out...
That is just too damned small.
It's cool at the gas pump. On one tank you've driven 2 or 3000 miles.
You fill up and go: Oh, all done! I'll be damned.
10 cents? That's amazing!
I'm not used to a vehicle like this. I've had big trucks and SUVs.
The one vehicle I refuse to get rid of, I've had it for 10 years.
I love this thing. I've taken good care of it.
It's not politically correct to drive it. I don't care.
H-1 Hummer. The real one, the big one, the military version.
I love this thing. It has a 38 gallon tank.
Gets 7 miles to the gallon.
Diesel, where I live, at its peak was $3.84 per gallon.
Yeah. I went to fill it up that week, it wasn't even empty.
It cost me a hundred forty- eight dollars.
I pushed the vehicle home.
As I rolled it into the driveway, I told my kids:
Girls, look at our new front yard ornament.
Get in the Prius.
You suck, Dad!
I used to pick Priuses out of the grill of my Hummer.
During the holidays last year, we took the Hummer in for maintenance.
Then we were driving home and my wife is behind me in the Hummer.
I'm in front driving the Prius.
I was tricked somehow. I don't know how that happened.
She calls me on the cell phone, laughing.
Let me explain why. Our Prius is not a black Prius.
It's not a red Prius, it's a blue Prius. But not really blue.
It's more of a ...blue... Prius.
It's pretty.
Sparkly!
I did that a little too well, didn't I?
While I'm driving, I'm holding in my arm, my wife's 3- pound Chihuahua.
You have to hold it while you drive or it'll fall down between the seats.
Where the hell is this dog? Oh, there you are!
Let me put down the parking brake, that'll hold you, you bastard.
I've got to shift... Oh!
That was your head? I'm sorry. I thought it was the shifty thingy.
Same size. Leather, fur, I don't know the difference.
I thought I was grinding the gears.
Thanks for laughing at that. That's the stupidest joke I tell all night.
That morning, I don't know why I didn't see it-
- my children had taken vinyl window holiday decorations-
- and put them all over the back window of the Prius.
Christmas trees, Santa Claus. Snowflakes. It was so pretty.
My wife calls me, laughing hysterically.
What's so funny? Can you see yourself?
You're driving a powder blue Prius, holding a 3- pound Chihuahua.
There's pretty Christmas decorations all over your car.
And you make a living with dolls. You're gay! - Click.
And I'm like, Bitch! - click.
A Chihuahua. That's my wife's idea of a family pet.
The dog I picked out is Bill, our Golden Retriever. He's 80 pounds.
Now that is a dog, ladies and gentlemen.
I named him Bill because I got him when Clinton was in office-
- and as a puppy, he was humping everything.
When it comes to dogs-
- I have criteria for what is and is not a dog.
Here is what is not a dog: anything that bounces when it barks.
Not a dog: anything I can easily drop- kick over my back fence.
Not a dog: anything that is regularly terrified by a running leaf.
That's not a dog, that's a yapping Beanie Baby, that's what that is.
It's the Richard Simmons of canines, that's all I'm saying.
Honey, what was that? I don't know!,
Bill's sitting next to me: I don't know either!
You're a genius, do it again!
Size does matter in the canine brain.
Bill, Golden Retriever, very smart animal.
If he pooped on the living room carpet, I stuck his nose in it.
Three times later, he figured out: I'm not supposed to crap here.
Next two dogs, same thing. Now the brain- dead Chihuahua comes along.
She poops on the carpet, I stick her nose in it-
- three times later she thinks, I'm not supposed to crap, ever.
And that's why they shake.
Another way Chihuahuas prove their lack of intelligence:
Most dogs know when you find a stick in the yard and you run with it-
- you put the stick in your mouth sideways.
I am not kidding. This little idiot dog found a stick as long as she was-
- and she stuck it in her mouth straight out the front.
This is all true. We're on the couch watching TV.
She runs through the house, as fast as she can, stick straight out.
As she runs across the carpet she decides to quickly look down.
Oh yeah. Stick in the carpet, crammed down her throat.
With momentum, she actually pole- vaulted over the stick.
Of course my wife and my girls are all...
I couldn't breathe, I was laughing so hard.
I thought, Damn, if she'd been going a little faster-
- I'd have a new puppet. A Chihuahua on a stick!
My wife started going nuts with the Chihuahua thing.
She named her Chihuahua Darby.
After a year and a half my wife decided it was time to breed the dog.
My wife got on the internet and found the 3- pound...stud...Chihuahua.
I don't know how you call anything that's 3 pounds 'a stud'.
We picked up little Jake. The owner wanted to get rid of him.
So Jake came to live at our house. He was full grown, ready to go.
Then Darby came in heat.
Not long after that we had three tiny little Chihuahua puppies.
The two larger ones my wife gave away. The runt of the litter...
The runt from two 3- pound dogs we decided to keep.
Rusty is now full- grown, at a whopping 1.8 pounds.
The cool part is he and 80- pound Bill are best friends.
I don't know how you can be best friends-
- with someone who is the same size as your poop.
My kids question whether I'm funny or not.
I pointed that out in the backyard to them. I'm a comedy genius now!
The cool part is little Rusty picked me over everyone else to bond with.
He likes me best, we don't know why. I kinda like it.
I come home, he runs to the front door, I pick him up-
- take him to my office. I have a stuffed car, he sits in that car.
If he sits just right, it looks like he's driving around my desk.
People walk in my office, It's a rat! Oh, it's your dog.
The bond between Rusty and me has gone beyond just companionship.
There's an emotional bond.
This has happened 5 times. It can't be coincidence.
The three Chihuahuas sleep in the bed with my wife and me.
My wife and I will get into an argument, go to bed angry.
You're not supposed to do that, but we're tired.
Rusty hears the argument, knows we're not happy with each other.
But he takes my side. At 3 or 4 in the morning-
- he will wake up, and pee on my wife.
I am not kidding.
It's the greatest thing ever!
I have the satisfaction of knowing-
- if I go to bed angry with my wife, it's gonna be taken care of.
This is all absolutely true.
I had to get up early for an East Coast flight, about 3:30.
My wife and I had argued, I wake up still mad at her.
4 am, I'm ready to walk out the door, but I still love her.
I go to kiss her. I walk over and put my hand on her...
Rusty, my man!
It's still warm, she hasn't woken up yet.
I lean over, I love you honey, see you later, Rusty pissed on you. Bye!
Rusty's at the end of the bed just wagging his tail.
I'm at the front door, I hope he doesn't teach Bill to do that.
We have three daughters. They are 9, 11 and 15 years old.
They've had normal childhoods. Most things have been great.
Some things have been different because of the ventriloquism.
For example, their Barbie dolls actually speak.
Not when Mommy's around.
Ken, you smell like beer and cigarettes.
I'm a lot of fun at Toys 'R' Us around Christmastime.
Boys run to their parents, Mommy, know what that G.I Joe said to me?
They will never catch me.
We try to take family walks as often as possible.
On these walks, we let one kid pick out one dog.
One evening we let Kenna, the 9- year- old, choose.
Kenna seems to have a real twisted sense of humor.
We don't know where that came from.
We have a leash. One of those big self- retracting leashes.
You push the button and it quickly retracts.
Don't beat me to the funny part.
I walk out the front door and think I'll be the first one there.
Kenna is out front and has Darby hooked up to that leash.
She's 2 feet away. Kenna keeps pushing the button and letting it up.
Darby is going... I ask Kenna, What are you doing?
I'm trying to make her heel automatically.
I say, Kenna! It doesn't work. I already tried it.
High five.
We're out for a walk and Kenna has the dog at full extension.
30 or 40 feet on the leash and she hasn't given up on what she's trying.
As we're walking she's pushing the button and letting it up.
Looking at the dog, looking at the leash-
- the wheels in her head turning...
What is this twisted little child going to do?
As we're walking, she pushed the button. Quickly and on purpose-
- dropped the leash.
Do you see the brilliance here?
The leash then began to chase the Chihuahua.
A big hunk of black plastic skimmed across the pavement.
The Chihuahua stopped. She heard a new noise.
She looked behind her. Here comes the leash.
At this point, the Chihuahua is smart enough to know-
- that now would be a good time to panic.
She took off like a bullet down the street running as fast as she could.
But the leash was slightly faster.
I'm standing there, Where's the video camera?
We can win 10,000 bucks! 'Watch what happens!'
And sure enough...
Of course my wife and my two oldest girls...
Kenna and l are rolling in the lawn.
I'm high-fiving her, telling her she's a genius.
Mommy turns around, sees us laughing.
Crap! Don't look her in the eye. Look down. Back away slowly.
Rusty will piss on her later.
Ladies and gentlemen, you're an awesome audience.
How about we get to the people you came to see tonight?
The first guy, I think audiences enjoy because everyone-
- knows someone like this. In your own family or where you work.
Please help me welcome my old friend, Walter.
Get a life.
- How you doing, Walter? - What happened to your hair?
Looks like you were in a fricking car wreck.
- They said it makes me look hip. - I think it makes you look homeless.
Been in D.C. for two days and you're already fricking homeless. Holy cow.
- Come on, Walter, do you like D.C.? - Oh yeah.
There's nothing quite like being mugged in our nation's capital.
There's a lot of excitement that goes on in Washington, D.C.
Yeah, what happens in D.C. stays on YouTube.
So you don't like being in D.C.?
No, I like it. I get screwed on my taxes every year.
So it's fun to come visit the source.
- What did you do for fun today? - Stood in front of the IRS building.
I just flipped them off.
- Did you go to the White House? - Oh yeah.
That's where the most powerful man in the free world lives.
Oprah?
- What's wrong with you tonight? - I don't know. I'm just pissed.
- I don't want to go home. - Why not?
I think my house is haunted.
- Why do you think that? - My wife is there.
I walk in the front door and all I hear is, Get out!
You got in another argument on the phone today, didn't you?
- You heard that, did you? - Oh yeah.
Hung up on her. She called right back, Did you hang up on me?
I said, I don't know, did it sound something like this? - Click.
- Did that make her angry? - I felt a disturbance in The Force.
You ever made her that mad when you're standing in front of her?
Yeah. My mother told me if you're in a jam and don't know what to do-
- you should think, What would Jesus do?
So I tried to turn her into a fish.
I stood there going, Begone, Satan!
Hello, Shamu!
Well, at least Shamu has only one blowhole.
Aw, screw you. That was funny.
Look, it's the CIA.
I see you.
We can all see you.
You know, the show looks a lot better from the front.
Is the director drunk? What the hell?
What? Holy crap!
Wait, come back. Let me see in there.
This is Comedy Central. I can see Cartman.
I can see Kenny. Oh, he just got killed.
You've been married a long time.
Ups and downs in any marriage. Ever been to marriage counseling?
- Yes. - What did that do for you?
Look at me. I'm happy!
Come on. What were the results of the counseling?
At the end of it all, there were two folks who thought I was an ass.
And I'm paying both of them.
- But you are happy to be here? - Oh sure. Better than last week.
Last week? Fort Lauderdale, Florida. You didn't like that?
No. Everyone in Fort Lauderdale, Florida looks exactly like me.
I swear, it's like one giant nursing home.
Ft. Lauderdale is where they tape those Girls Gone Wild videos.
That's during Spring Break. The rest of the time it's Girls Gone Saggy.
Or it's Girls Gone Senile.
And then it's just Girls Gone.
- You didn't like the weather either. - Oh my God.
Even in the middle of winter, it's humid as hell and hot as hell.
We got there, I took a shower on Monday.
Friday, still not dry.
I swear, I have moss on my ass.
You said the weather changes too quickly.
I know it changes fast everywhere, but in Florida, it's ridiculous.
- What are you talking about? - I was standing on the beach.
In the sunshine, having a little iced tea.
I looked over and go, Ooh, look, a little cloud.
About three minutes later...
Holy crap!
The locals are hanging on to the palm trees.
We love it here!
You dumbasses!
I say, leave it to the Cubans and get the hell out!
Alright, so you want someplace a little cooler.
Remember, we went to Green Bay, Wisconsin.
Yeah, in February! It was negative 20 with a negative 30 wind chill.
I'd get on stage every night and say, You people are idiots.
Did you know the borders are open?
Pack up your Suburban and get the hell out!
Another thing. Green Bay Packers stadium, what's it called?
- Lambo Field. - Lambo Field. No roof. Hello!
How many football season weekends have good weather in Green Bay?
That would be...none.
Note to self: build a fricking roof.
We have the technology.
Yeah, you talk to the locals in Green Bay, what do they say?
We love it here.
We're a hardy people.
A bunch of frozen dumbasses, is what you are.
Walter, you don't like humidity, you don't like extreme cold.
You want someplace warmer and drier.
- Well in August, we were in Phoenix. - August in Phoenix, Arizona.
Your agent is a moron.
It was 112 for three days in a row.
What do all the locals say? But it's a dry heat.
Screw you.
A bonfire's a dry heat.
You don't see me sticking my ass in one of those, do you?
Your ass is on fire. It's a dry heat!
I was in Florida, I gotta burn off the fricking moss!
- Did you enjoy New York City? - Oh, I love New York City.
It was great. Do shows in Manhattan, about midnight get back to the hotel.
At 1 a.m., I'd lay my head on the pillow-
- and listen to the sounds of the city.
Oh my God.
- The city that never sleeps. - Well, it needs a fricking nap.
You've eliminated every corner of the country. What about where we live?
People love the weather in Southern California.
At least with Florida and hurricanes, you get a little notice.
You turn on the news: You have three days to get the hell out!
- So? - In L.A., we've got earthquakes.
We don't know jack.
One morning, you could be sitting on the toilet and all of a sudden...
There's crap flying around the house.
We love it here!
You're a dumbass, too.
- Remember that last big earthquake? - Sure.
- Bad timing on that earthquake. - How's that?
Not two seconds before it hit, I told my grandson to pull my finger.
He pulled it, I farted and half the neighborhood fell down.
That kid hasn't come near me since.
The other day I cracked my knuckles and he dove under the couch.
- What was that? - We're in D.C. That was a veto.
Walter, I'm listening to you and I get the feeling we travel too much.
Oh, you think?
- Why don't you like airplanes? - I'm your carryon, for God's sakes.
I go in the x- ray machine. I could have cancer tonight!
- Tell them what happened at O'Hare. - We're going through the airport.
I come out the other side of the x- ray and hear the guy say to Jeff:
Sir! I've got to look inside your suitcase.
I'm lying there thinking, Aw crap, here we go.
Jeff's standing there, the guy opens the case, I pop up and go:
Hey! Shut the damned door!
Scared the crap out of the guy. Then I thought about it a second and said:
I do not want to go to Los Angeles.
- And what happened? - We were detained.
Them bastards have no sense of humor.
They have to be tight on security these days.
I know. The terrorist threats and all that crap.
There's one group of folks I don't understand at all.
Damned suicide bombers. Good God, what the hell is this?
Well, way to go, habib.
Bet you can't fricking do it again.
Dumbass.
Walter, those guys believe that if they martyr themselves-
- there will be 72 virgins waiting for them in Paradise.
Well, April Fool, dumbass!
If there are virgins waiting for you, it'll be 72 guys just like you!
Oh no, this is not what Osama said it would be.
72 virgins? Why not 72 slutty broads who know what they're doing?
He had a longer fuse.
I wonder if they pull that joke on each other every once in a while.
What joke?
What the...
Did you see Jamil's face?
It's gone now, but did you see his face?
72 virgins. Sounds like a punishment to me.
I gotta teach 72 women how to have sex? Oh my God!
I hope there's no Viagra in heaven.
Impotence is God's way of helping a man like me to 'just say no'.
If I take Viagra, it's just to help me keep from rolling out of bed.
- Did you get that one? - She got it!
- It's a kickstand joke. - Will you stop?
What're you shaking your head at? You got a good love life?
- Sure. Yeah. - Good sex life? With your wife?
- Yes. - Good for her, too?
- Yeah. - How do you know?
- What? - How do you know?
We're waiting!
Well, sometimes she calls me...
...The Hurricane.
- The what? - The Hurricane.
Yeah, I get it. Exciting at first, then it ends in disaster.
You know, maybe she should call you FEMA.
Now what does that mean?
Slow to respond and not a lot of satisfying results.
You should know. How long have you been married?
- 47 years. - That's amazing.
I know it. That old bitch will never die.
- How long you been married? - 17 years.
That's pretty good. How do you do it?
I learned a long time ago that every couple argues.
I learned that when we're in the middle of a big argument-
- I just think of something completely different.
That takes my mind off it, and I don't stay angry as long.
So you think of something completely different? Like what?
Oh I don't know. Like if you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
- Choke a Smurf? - Right.
Is that what they're calling it now?
What the hell happened to the chicken?
Let me get back to marriage. You've been married a long time.
- Do you still really love your wife? - Of course I love her.
- Told her lately that you love her? - Naw.
- Why not? - She knows it.
- How does she know it? - I smile a lot.
- Have you ever cheated on her? - No!
Dammit.
- Marriage is supposed to be forever. - And this one's taking too damn long.
- Marriage is an institution. - So is Alcatraz.
You can't compare marriage to prison.
I guess you're right. The warden doesn't max out your credit cards.
The other day she got me some of that spray- on hair crap in a can.
- Did you use it? - Yeah. On your Chihuahua.
Turned it into a Shi- Tzu.
Your birthday wasn't too long ago. Did your wife get you anything?
- She got me a book on reincarnation. - Do you believe in reincarnation?
- Hell, I don't know. - Who would you come back as?
I'd come back as my wife and leave me the hell alone.
- You pick on her all the time. - Yeah, I know.
Maybe one day, I'll be reincarnated and come back as a sensitive guy.
Driving a blue fricking Prius.
- That is the saddest little vehicle. - It's a great car!
You ever heard it when you're driving by?
It goes, IIIII'm gay.
IIIII'm gay.
When it idles it goes homohomohomohomo...
- Is that a new watch? - No, I've had it a long time.
A long time ago you had a rubber, plastic ugly funny name thing.
That was years ago when I was in college.
They were popular and might be coming back. It's called a Swatch.
What in the hell is a Swatch?
A company in Switzerland invented that watch, so they called it Swatch.
Good thing they weren't in Croatia.
What time is it?, I don't know, let me look at my Crotch.
Sorry I'm late, but my Crotch is a little slow.
- It's like the Timex, it takes a ... - Walter!
That's Walter, there we go!
Thank you.
As we all know, there's a big mess in the Middle East right now.
When it comes to the terrorists-
- most of us don't understand their extremist views and beliefs.
I was thinking, how would it be to sit and talk to one of those guys?
We have that opportunity tonight. Please help me welcome-
- Achmed, the Dead Terrorist.
- Good evening, Achmed. - Good evening.
Infidel.
- So you're a terrorist. - Yes. I am a terrorist.
- What kind of terrorist? - A terrifying...terrorist.
- Are you scared? - Not really. No.
- And now? - Not really. No.
- How about now? - No.
Goddammit.
I mean...uh... I mean, Allahdammit.
Silence!
I kill you.
- So, Achmed. - No, no. Is Achmed.
- That's what I said. - No, you said Achmed. Is Achmed.
Silence!
I kill you.
- How do you spell it? - What?
- How do you spell your name? - Oh let's see. A.
C...
Phlegm.
Silence! I kill you.
As a terrorist, I suppose you have some sort of specialty.
Yes. I am a suicide bomber.
- So, you're finished. - What?
- You've done your job. - No, I haven't.
- You're dead. - No, I'm not. I feel fine.
- But you're all bone. - Is a flesh wound.
Silence! I kill you.
What the hell happened to my feet?
Son of a bitch. What the hell? What are you doing? Stop it!
What are you trying to... Stop touching me!
I kill you!
- We'll fix this. - What are you doing? Holy crap!
I'm in the air, wait wait. Something is backwards. Holy crap.
I need some ligaments.
- Just sit still. - Okay.
I will not move my ass.
You idiot, you don't have an ass!
- Is that Walter? - Yeah.
He scares the crap out of me.
Please, do not put me back in the same suitcase.
- Why? - He has gas!
Saddam's mustard gas was nothing compared to a Walter fart.
Ah, ha ha ha ha.
It's not funny. He will kill us.
Listen, I have something to tell you.
- What? - You really are dead.
Are you sure? I just got my flu shot.
- You really are dead. - Wait, if I'm dead...
That means I get my 72 virgins.
Are you my virgins?
- I hope not. - Why?
There's a bunch of ugly- ass guys out there.
If this is Paradise, I've been screwed!
Did they say it would be only female virgins?
Holy crap!
Wait! I can have Clay Aiken.
I told a joke.
- Achmed, where did you come from? - Your fricking suitcase.
I told another one.
If you've been in my suitcase-
- how have we been getting through airport security?
That's easy. They open the case and I go, Hello! I am Lindsay Lohan!
I told another joke! I can do this crap too.
Here's another one. Two Jews walk in a bar...
- No. No. - What?
You don't let Jews in your bar?
You racist bastard.
What I mean is, I don't want racist jokes in my act.
Oh. Okay. How about if I kill the Jews?
I'm kidding. I would not kill the Jews.
I would toss a penny between them and watch them fight to the death.
Yes, yes. I did the same thing with two Catholic priests and a small boy.
Yes, yes. And the winner had to fight Michael Jackson!
Achmed, stop doing this!
- You can't tell jokes like that. - Why not? I'm killing, so to speak.
You can't tell jokes like that. It offends people.
I'm dead, what do I care?
What do you want me to do, knock- knock jokes?
- It would be better. - Okay, knock- knock.
- Who's there? - Me, I kill you.
As a suicide bomber, did you have training?
Of course. We had the suicide bomber training camp.
- Is that a nice facility? - It used to be.
- What happened? - New guy!
The idiot tried to practice.
- What did you guys learn from that? - Location, location, location.
Do you have a motto, like... We're looking for a few good men.
We're looking for some idiots with no future.
- Where do you get your recruits? - The suicide hotline.
That was dark, was it not?
What exactly happened to you? What happened?
If you must know, I am a horrible suicide bomber.
- What happened? - I had a premature detonation.
I set the timer for 30 minutes, but it went off in 4 seconds.
You know what that's like, right?
Mr. Hurricane.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Achmed, what exactly happened to you?
I was getting gasoline and I answered my cell phone.
Can you hear me n...?
At first, I thought it was because I went over my minutes.
It's okay, I took that Verizon bastard with me.
What's it like to die? Do you see a white light?
If you're dumb enough to watch the explosion, yes.
Some people say when they die they see a white light. What did you see?
I saw flying car parts...
What was the last thing through your mind?
My ass.
Walter told me to tell that joke.
- You never saw a white light? - No, but I saw a blue Prius.
Do you really have one of those vehicles?
That is not a car. That's a lunchbox.
Did you know, when you're going down the highway in a Prius-
If you put your hand out the window, the vehicle will turn?
- You did this for a bunch of virgins? - Are you kidding me?
I'd kill you for a Klondike bar.
- So, I guess you are Muslim? - I don't think so, no.
Look at my ass. Made in China.
Walter says I'm just a stinking Halloween decoration.
- Do you like being in D.C.? - I think some idiots must live here.
- Why? - The Washington Monument.
- Yes? - It looks nothing like the guy.
It looks more like a tribute to Bill Clinton.
- What do you think of Bush? - Oh, I love bush.
Oh, you mean the President. I'm sorry!
That's Achmed, the Dead Terrorist! There we go.
Thank you. There's never been a better time than right now-
- to introduce a brand new superhero.
We have that very thing this evening.
He's big. He's powerful. Please help me welcome-
- the superhero...Melvin.
H...h... Hi!
- Good to see you, Melvin. - Thank you.
It's nice being here in our nation's capital.
So, you're a superhero. What is your most outstanding feature?
My costume.
- It's a very nice costume. - Thank you.
- What does the 'D' stand for? - Oh, that's my theme song.
- What's your theme song? - Da da- da daa!
- Where did you get the costume? - That is a superhero secret!
- EBay? - Dammit!
- How did you deduce that? - A tag on the back says EBay.
It's as plain as the nose... Oops, sorry.
Okay, so you're a superhero. Do you fight crime?
- Yes, of course! - What kind of crime?
Bad kind.
- So what have you done lately? - Today, I was battling a terrorist.
- Achmed? - Yes.
- And what kind of battle? - Checkers.
Every time I'd get a king, he'd blow it up.
- So what did you do? - I issued a verbal threat.
And then Walter gassed him.
- Melvin, do you have any powers? - Yes!
- Like what? - I can fly. Really far.
- How far? - How far can you throw me?
- Do you have other powers? - X- ray vision!
Can you see through something practical, like clothes?
Oh, you're sick.
Yes.
I love looking at boobies.
That's a beautiful pair, isn't it?
I'm glad I'm wearing loose shorts.
Oh, I forgot. I can't see through silicone.
What? They're good. Those are super- hooters.
If she had a theme song, it would be Ta ta- ta taa!
If she had a costume, she'd have two Ds on her chest.
- I can look but I can't touch. - Why?
I'm lactose intolerant.
You can fly and have x- ray vision. Those are the same as Superman!
- Can you stop a speeding bullet? - Once.
Shut up! It hurts like hell.
Can you leap tall buildings in a single bound?
Why the hell would I do that? There's not a lot of call for that.
- Superman does that. - Show- off.
He could avoid all the fuss and just walk around the effing thing.
I can't curse. think the President should.
- The President? - Yeah. Think about it.
We had the A- bomb, the H- bomb. It's time for him to drop the F- bomb.
He could go, Hey, terrorists! F you!
So, like Superman, do you change clothes in a phone booth?
What?
- Superman does that too. - He's got issues, doesn't he?
My wife met Lois Lane once.
She said she acted like an H- O- R- E.
You mean a W- H- O- R- E.
What's a 'w- hore'? Is that like a Klingon?
So you're married. Does your wife have any powers?
- Yes. - Like what?
Once a month...
She becomes evil.
And I cannot defeat her.
Our children run in terror. Our big dog cowers under the couch.
- You have a big dog? - Actually, I borrowed your Chihuahua.
Superman has a dog, Krypto. He has all the same powers as Superman.
That's ridiculous. If Krypto sniffs your crotch-
- he'll suck your lungs out your ass.
If he humps your leg, you'll be in traction for a year.
- Do you have an arch enemy? - Pinocchio.
- Do you have a weakness? - Cupcakes.
And porn.
What? Not at the same time.
I need a free hand.
So, when there's a problem, how are you summoned?
I'm making a deal with the Commissioner to light up the sky-
- with a spotlight of my symbol.
- What's your symbol? - A big nose in the sky.
Trouble is, sometimes it doesn't exactly look like a nose.
It's not a cupcake, either.
Da da- da daa!
Are you friends with other superheroes?
- Some of them. - How about Aquaman?
I like Aquaman, he can breathe underwater and talk to fish.
Yeah, great. He has all the same powers as Sponge Bob.
- How about the Hulk? - Why do you like the Hulk?
The angrier he gets, the stronger he gets.
Yeah, like every white trash guy on Cops .
- I like the Flash. - He has no powers!
He's on Meth.
- Cat Woman? - I used to date Cat Woman.
She gave me something I had to take medicine to get rid of.
And boy, does it itch.
And now it burns when I fly.
Da da- da daa...
Son of a bitch!
It's the terrorists, I tell you.
I look like Lex Luthor.
- Can you put it back? - Sure. Here we go.
- How's that? - Da da- da daa.
That kinda sucked.
- Do superheroes date each other? - We date mortals sometimes, too.
Did you know that Superman was dating Rosie O'Donnell?
- I did not know that. - He had to quit.
Because she got too big.
He took her on one flight and threw out his back.
Embarrassing when you're flying a girl around Metropolis-
- and your feet are still dragging the sidewalk.
Da da- da daa.
This looks like a job for Slim- Fast!
- One last guy, how about Batman? - Oh.
A grown man in a rubber suit, running around with a young boy?
I don't have to have x- ray vision to see what the hell's going on there.
I wondered about these superheroes and their young men side kicks.
You have five men in a suitcase.
And one of them's on a stick.
Who is sliding down the proverbial Bat pole now?
If you had a theme song, it would be La la- la laa.
- You know, I have a wife and kids. - So does Tom Cruise!
And that's Melvin the Superhero. There we go.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
If you've seen my show before, you'll recognize this next guy.
Please help me welcome my buddy, Peanut.
- How you doing, Peanut? - Pretty good, how are you?
- I'm fine. - That's good, that's gooooooood.
- So, you like it here? - Oh, I love being in D.C.
D.C! It's great. And I love this theater, the Warner Theater.
It's fantastic. And they've got a cool website.
And a link to our website which is jeffdunham.com.
- The thing that... - Peanut, stop...
What?
The hell is wrong with you? We cannot talk at the same time!
I talk, you talk. I talk, you talk, that's it!
Focus.
I am so sick of this crap.
- I have tried going solo. - What happened?
I kept falling off this fricking thing.
Why did you interrupt me?
- You mispronounced my last name. - I know.
- It's Dunham. - Not when you look at it. Dun- Ham.
Haaaaaam.
You're the other white meat.
Don't confuse everyone. It's Dunham.
It says Dun- ham ham ham ham.
Jeff Dun Ham. Dot Com.
And when you think about it for 30 seconds, it's Jefa Fa Dun Ham.
Dot Com.
Jefa Fa. You're using an unneeded 'F'.
Jefa Fa. Dun Ham.
Dot Com.
Am I pissing you ofa fa?
Jefa Fa?
Dun Ham. Dot Com.
The weird part is, I am actually pissing him off.
And he would like to kill me. But he will not-
- because that would be a form of suicide.
- You want to kill me. - No, I don't.
Yes, yes, yes. Search your feelings, Jefa Fa.
Dun Ham. Dot Com.
- What? - Dude, you need a Tic- Tac.
You know what your breath smells like? Done ham.
Dot Com.
What the hell was that?
- What? - What did you just do?
- I didn't do anything. - You picked your nose.
Did you see that? - Oh my God.
You fricking picked...your nose!
- What? - You didn't do a very good job!
- There's still something there. - Cut it out!
- You gotta get it. It's wiggling. - Stop it!
Oh wait! You're a ventriloquist. Make it talk.
That'd be funny as hell! Only give it a French accent.
Bonjour! I would like to come out of your nose!
Stop it.
Holy crap, you're quick.
It's like you know.
You do that now, you just go...
- That's always been your thing. - You do it. Short one, long one.
Do it!
Do it.
What the hell was that? You sound like some anemic French guy.
German: jawohl !
Chinese:
Gay guy:
Oh, oh! Wait, wait. A guy driving a blue Prius:
You know what would be funny as hell?
When this gets on Comedy Central, if the show is sponsored by Toyota.
And they have no idea.
One night they're watching this like, Hey!
He making fun of our cars!
He say our car is gay.
It not gay, he gay.
Let's get Godzilla to kill him.
- It's a tiny little car, isn't it? - It's small.
I bet to get in and out, you gotta use a lot of lotion.
- That's not funny. - They are laughing like hell.
- Does your wife drive that car? - The Prius? Oh, sure.
- Good. How's she doing? - My wife? She's fine.
- Oh, good. How's the family? - They're fine.
- Oh, good! I was just wondering. - Thanks a lot.
- Everything's fine? - Everything's fine.
I just want to make sure. Because I'm your pal.
- Thank you. - So I'm concerned.
- About what? - I was just thinking the other day.
We're on the road a lot. You're away from home a lot.
And your wife's at home alone. A lot.
- Okay? - Yeah.
- She's not exactly bad- looking. - No.
She's hot.
And her prime is now.
Yours was 20 years ago.
And she's home. Alone.
Are you sure?
- Yeah. - How do you know?
I trust her.
What if she's been with someone else?
Like...me!
Oh, come on. You go purple, you never go back!
I really don't think my wife has slept with you, Peanut.
Well, think about this for a second. In a twisted kind of way-
All five of us on stage have slept with your wife.
When you're wacky and having a great time, that's me!
When you're pissed off, lying there thinking-
- why did I marry this broad?, that's Walter.
When you're so angry you want to kill her, that's Achmed.
So what is Jose Jalapeno on a Stick?
You're a sick man!
And here he is, Jose Jalapeno on a Stick!
- Good evening, Jose. - Hola, Senor Heff.
- It's good to see you. - Gracias, Senor Heff.
- Excuse me! Who the hell is 'Heff'? - That's Jeff.
- No, he said 'Heff'. - It's the same thing.
No, it's not.
- Jose, what did you say? - I say Senor Heff.
What the f...Now he said 'Cheff'.
- It's all the same. - Didn't you watch Sesame Street?
Jeff is Jeff, Heff is Heff and Cheff is Cheff.
One of these things just doesn’t belong here!
Tonight's show is sponsored by the sound chhhhhh.
- I'm sorry, Jose. - Is okay. He's an idiot.
You're on a stick. Stica ka. Jefa fa.
I have a question for Josie.
My name is Jose.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were in America, speaking fricking English.
But I didn't see the little...over the 'e'.
Which magically changes Josie into fricking Jose.
And I didn't see the...over the 'n'-
- which changes jalapeno into jalapeno.
So a...over the 'n' and a...over the 'e'.
Two keys I can never fricking find on a fricking keyboard.
Apparently it's a secret known only to the Mexicans.
So, Jose, when you're typing... Oh! I'm sorry.
Talk about 'hunt and peck'.
- I'm sorry, Jose. - Is OK. I'll hire Achmed to kill him.
So, what's your question? And be nice.
- You're a jalapeno. - Si, senor. On a stick.
- You're a Mexican jalapeno. - On a stick.
Are you a legal Mexican Jalapeno?
- What? What did I say? - This is not the appropriate time.
Too late! So, Jose, are you legal? Are you legal, legal, legal, lega...?
- What? - I know the answer to the question.
Jose? Are you legal to be in this country?
Si, senor. I have my green card.
- Where is your green card? - It's in my other stick.
- Did you know he had another stick? - I had no idea.
You know what that means? That means that one comes out!
Oh my God! I thought it was just stuck up his ass.
- What's wrong? - He doesn't have an ass.
- It's just a jalapeno. - On a stick.
I know!
- How did he get on the stick? - I don't know.
Probably a horrible pogo accident.
You know...doink doink.
Ole!
Jose, immigration is a big topic in the country right now.
Would you mind if I ask a few questions?
There are more National Guard on the border between USA and Mexico.
- Does this concern you? - No, senor.
- Why not? - He's already here!
You really are an idiot!
Jose, are you here on a temporary visa, or on a work visa?
He's here on a stick.
- Do you enjoy being in this country? - Sometimes I'm afraid for my life.
- Why? - Taco Bell.
- Jose, do you have a new girlfriend? - Si, senor.
- What, a fricking pickle on a pencil? - Stop it!
- Peanut, are you prejudiced? - No!
A bunch of my best friends are on sticks.
Peanut, I meant are you prejudiced towards Mexicans?
No. My mother's Mexican.
Okay, I meant New Mexican.
She's like Jose, just...fresher.
- Jose, you speak English very well. - Gracias, senor.
What were some of the first phrases in English that you learned?
Will you help me push my car?
- Does this ID look real? - Will you s...
- Where's the nearest Home Depot? - Stop it!
Actually, the last one was true.
I'm sorry about this, Jose. I'm happy to have you in the act.
- Gracias, senor. - Just make sure he's legal.
- He's legal. Why are you concerned? - Are you not concerned?
- Why should I be concerned? - He works for you!
Some of those laws pass and he's not legal, it's your ass thrown in jail.
And trust me, you would not do well in prison.
- Why not? - Come here, puppet boy!
Make your daddy talk.
That's nice. So you're pretty sure I'd soon become someone's...
- Bitch. - Right.
On a stick.
You guys have been an awesome audience. Thank you. Good night.