1
00:00:39,998 --> 00:00:41,363
Good night, Dad.
2
00:00:41,458 --> 00:00:43,415
Night, James.
Straight to bed.
3
00:00:44,461 --> 00:00:47,795
Good night, Mum. Good night, James.
Sleep tight.
4
00:00:49,758 --> 00:00:52,125
Off with the lights now, please.
5
00:01:26,378 --> 00:01:28,460
It's 9:00 at night and the
dull dudes on the planet
6
00:01:28,547 --> 00:01:30,608
are sitting in their slippers
sipping their sherries,
7
00:01:30,632 --> 00:01:32,589
but the people who
love to rock and to roll
8
00:01:32,676 --> 00:01:35,043
are ready to ride the rock 'n'
roller-coaster once more.
9
00:01:35,137 --> 00:01:37,865
You are listening to Radio Rock and I'm
The Count, and I'm counting on you,
10
00:01:37,889 --> 00:01:44,261
as we count down to ecstasy and
rock all day and all of the night.
11
00:02:48,543 --> 00:02:50,079
And all of the night
12
00:03:09,439 --> 00:03:11,021
How much longer?
13
00:03:11,108 --> 00:03:13,395
No time at all.
There she is.
14
00:03:13,485 --> 00:03:14,975
Where she is?
15
00:03:15,153 --> 00:03:16,643
There she is.
16
00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:27,363
I'm here to see Quentin.
17
00:03:27,457 --> 00:03:28,868
Come, come.
18
00:03:39,261 --> 00:03:40,467
Enter.
19
00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:45,305
Ah-ha. Carl?
Yes.
20
00:03:45,392 --> 00:03:47,224
My favorite godson.
21
00:03:48,311 --> 00:03:49,551
Have we met before?
22
00:03:49,646 --> 00:03:50,932
I don't think so.
23
00:03:51,314 --> 00:03:54,557
No. There was a lost decade,
so I always have to check.
24
00:03:54,651 --> 00:03:56,107
How's your mum?
25
00:03:56,194 --> 00:04:00,404
She's fine. Not over-fond
of me at the moment.
26
00:04:01,158 --> 00:04:03,490
She's a very attractive woman.
27
00:04:03,618 --> 00:04:04,653
Well, I wouldn't...
28
00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:05,780
No, seriously.
29
00:04:05,871 --> 00:04:09,660
I mean, to you, she's your
mum, but to people of my age,
30
00:04:10,208 --> 00:04:12,119
she's a sexual legend.
31
00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:14,668
So...
32
00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:17,746
Expelled?
33
00:04:18,300 --> 00:04:20,337
That's right.
What for?
34
00:04:20,969 --> 00:04:24,507
I suppose smoking
was the clincher.
35
00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:26,509
Drugs or cigarettes?
36
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:28,216
Urn, both.
37
00:04:29,728 --> 00:04:31,093
Well done.
38
00:04:31,855 --> 00:04:33,345
Proud of you.
39
00:04:34,191 --> 00:04:35,431
So your mum sent you here
40
00:04:35,525 --> 00:04:38,563
in the hope that a little bracing
sea air would sort you out?
41
00:04:38,653 --> 00:04:40,109
Something like that.
42
00:04:40,197 --> 00:04:41,608
Spectacular mistake.
43
00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:50,238
Excuse me, everyone. Could I
introduce Carl, my godson?
44
00:04:50,665 --> 00:04:53,828
Welcome aboard. I'm The Count.
I must be obeyed.
45
00:04:53,919 --> 00:04:55,501
It's an honor.
46
00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:57,335
Hi, Carl.
47
00:04:57,422 --> 00:05:00,631
Don't miss Simple Simon's Super
Sunday Smashes. I'm Simon.
48
00:05:00,717 --> 00:05:02,958
That's why I just said that.
49
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,924
Hi, I'm Angus
"The Nut" Nutsford.
50
00:05:06,014 --> 00:05:09,177
Hello there. I'm John, News
and Information Gathering.
51
00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:10,723
Hi, I'm Felicity.
52
00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:11,871
I didn't think girls were...
53
00:05:11,895 --> 00:05:14,353
Oh, I'm a lesbian.
Who cooks.
54
00:05:14,523 --> 00:05:15,854
Of course.
Have a piece of toast.
55
00:05:15,982 --> 00:05:18,294
Could I have a Mars? Don't touch
those, I've just arranged them.
56
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,685
Do you... Do you know
what a lesbian is?
57
00:05:20,779 --> 00:05:22,645
I do.
Fun times, eh?
58
00:05:22,739 --> 00:05:24,275
Anyone, toast, toast?
Indeed.
59
00:05:24,366 --> 00:05:25,652
I'm Thick Kevin.
60
00:05:25,742 --> 00:05:27,733
Ah. Your delightful roommate.
61
00:05:27,869 --> 00:05:29,576
Oh. Great. I'm Carl.
62
00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:32,367
Cool name.
Why Thick Kevin?
63
00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:35,954
No idea. It's 'cause he's
really, really thick.
64
00:05:36,211 --> 00:05:38,293
This is, of course, Dave.
65
00:05:38,755 --> 00:05:39,916
Wow.
66
00:05:40,006 --> 00:05:42,373
Big, but very beautiful.
67
00:05:43,051 --> 00:05:46,089
Welcome to the Boat of Love.
68
00:05:46,471 --> 00:05:50,214
You know, if God
were a DJ, he'd be on this station.
69
00:05:50,433 --> 00:05:51,764
Radio Rock.
70
00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:53,843
Let's have a tune,
I'm sick of this silence.
71
00:06:01,570 --> 00:06:04,983
And that was the sound of someone who
missed last Sunday's chart show.
72
00:06:05,073 --> 00:06:07,030
It's Nutty Nutsford time!
73
00:06:14,124 --> 00:06:15,740
It's a shame you're a lezzer.
74
00:06:15,834 --> 00:06:20,123
While I was swimming, I passed by
a squirrel outside, folks, um,
75
00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:21,333
he was doing the backstroke.
76
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:23,372
I just broke the knob
off the record player.
77
00:06:23,466 --> 00:06:25,278
"Mr. Squirrel, why are you
swimming on your back?“
78
00:06:25,302 --> 00:06:27,418
It's a small knob.
I like it.
79
00:06:27,512 --> 00:06:28,512
Reminds me of something.
80
00:06:28,597 --> 00:06:30,838
"Well, I swim on my back
to keep my nuts dry."
81
00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:33,636
Voilà!
82
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:35,513
Whoo-hoo! I'm on fire!
83
00:06:35,604 --> 00:06:37,284
You're probably still
at school, it's 2:40.
84
00:06:37,314 --> 00:06:39,976
Or you might be bunking off,
in which case, good on you.
85
00:06:41,151 --> 00:06:42,516
Carl.
Yes.
86
00:06:43,361 --> 00:06:45,227
How you doing?
Okay, thank you.
87
00:06:45,322 --> 00:06:46,904
You nervous?
Little bit.
88
00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:48,572
Come over here.
There?
89
00:06:48,658 --> 00:06:50,148
Yeah, come over here.
90
00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:51,942
Come on.
91
00:06:52,454 --> 00:06:54,320
Welcome. Turn around.
92
00:06:55,498 --> 00:06:56,704
Now get the fuck out.
93
00:06:58,877 --> 00:07:03,337
Okay, so the Tuesday night
of fun starts here. We're ready...
94
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:05,005
We're ready. Gather 'round.
95
00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:06,456
Teams, teams, teams, teams.
96
00:07:06,551 --> 00:07:11,637
Okay, so the teams
are Dave and The Count
97
00:07:12,182 --> 00:07:15,720
versus Young Carl
and Thick Kevin.
98
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:17,263
Okay.
99
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:20,600
Don't worry, it's not because I'm actually
thick that I'm called Thick Kevin,
100
00:07:20,690 --> 00:07:22,556
it's just a nickname.
101
00:07:22,651 --> 00:07:26,360
That's right.
So, who wants to go first?
102
00:07:26,571 --> 00:07:27,882
- You wanna guess?
- I'll guess. Fine.
103
00:07:27,906 --> 00:07:29,988
All right, who's going?
Big Bad Dave.
104
00:07:30,075 --> 00:07:32,066
No looking. Thirty
seconds starting from...
105
00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:33,160
Now!
106
00:07:33,870 --> 00:07:35,326
Oh, easy.
Your president.
107
00:07:35,413 --> 00:07:37,279
Lyndon Johnson.
Yes!
108
00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:38,909
He wrote Oliver Twist.
109
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:40,616
- Charles Dickens.
- No miming.
110
00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:42,200
Good, good, good, good.
111
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:44,582
Lovely. Lead singer
of The Rolling Stones.
112
00:07:44,714 --> 00:07:46,421
- Mick Jagger.
- Yes.
113
00:07:48,051 --> 00:07:49,462
Is a spy, 007.
114
00:07:49,552 --> 00:07:50,838
- Bond, James Bond!
- Yes!
115
00:07:50,929 --> 00:07:52,966
Oh! And the actor who plays.
116
00:07:53,056 --> 00:07:54,797
"Hello, I'm James Bond."
117
00:07:55,558 --> 00:07:57,286
The actor who plays 007...
Yes! Sean Connery.
118
00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:58,391
Quickly, quickly.
119
00:07:58,520 --> 00:07:59,520
Hello, I'm a Beatle.
120
00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:01,582
I'm one of the Beatles. JOHN:
Time, time, time. No, no, no, no.
121
00:08:01,606 --> 00:08:02,641
That one doesn't count.
122
00:08:02,732 --> 00:08:03,732
That was gonna be good.
123
00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:06,354
That's six to zero. COUNT:
I feel good about this one.
124
00:08:06,444 --> 00:08:07,559
I get it now.
125
00:08:07,737 --> 00:08:08,898
Well, all right.
126
00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:10,486
Ready to rock.
127
00:08:10,573 --> 00:08:12,969
Okay, the thing about Kev is you
gotta think outside the box.
128
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:14,220
- Think outside the box.
- He's ready to rock.
129
00:08:14,244 --> 00:08:15,655
Forget about the box.
130
00:08:15,745 --> 00:08:16,906
Thirty seconds from now!
131
00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:18,738
Go! You can do it.
132
00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:23,416
It's a type of bird,
but it's wearing a hat.
133
00:08:23,753 --> 00:08:26,415
It's a type of bird,
but it's wearing a hat.
134
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:27,506
Fucking genius.
135
00:08:27,590 --> 00:08:28,943
- He's just nervous.
- Not so much a hat.
136
00:08:28,967 --> 00:08:33,552
Something that's at the top of a
coat and attached to the coat
137
00:08:33,638 --> 00:08:36,551
and covers the head,
but is not a hat.
138
00:08:36,641 --> 00:08:37,676
A hood?
139
00:08:37,767 --> 00:08:39,120
Yes, and now first name,
type of bird.
140
00:08:39,144 --> 00:08:40,384
So, something Hood.
141
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:41,726
Robin Hood!
142
00:08:42,939 --> 00:08:44,600
We are cooking with gas!
143
00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:47,628
Why didn't you just say he lived in
Sherwood Forest and has a bow and arrow?
144
00:08:47,652 --> 00:08:49,643
Yeah? What?
Who are you talking about?
145
00:08:49,779 --> 00:08:51,144
Robin Hood.
146
00:08:51,489 --> 00:08:53,776
- I didn't know that.
- Counting down.
147
00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:56,279
Right, hang on, no.
Tricky one.
148
00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:58,527
It's like he's having a stroke.
149
00:08:58,621 --> 00:08:59,952
Nice guy-
150
00:09:00,957 --> 00:09:03,164
Nice guy? KEVIN:
Yes, very nice guy.
151
00:09:03,293 --> 00:09:05,580
- Really nice guy.
- IS that it?
152
00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:09,584
No. Has lots of friends.
Has long hair.
153
00:09:09,674 --> 00:09:10,709
Ah!
154
00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:12,090
Jimi Hendrix?
155
00:09:12,177 --> 00:09:15,795
Hmm? No, much older.
No shoes.
156
00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:17,462
I know this.
157
00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:22,059
Nice guy, has long hair,
doesn't have any shoes.
158
00:09:22,145 --> 00:09:23,260
Think about it.
159
00:09:23,354 --> 00:09:24,354
Must be...
160
00:09:24,481 --> 00:09:25,583
It's like watching a baby drown.
161
00:09:25,607 --> 00:09:27,097
Wore a dress.
162
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,016
Dress?
Wore a dress!
163
00:09:29,152 --> 00:09:30,734
This had better not be Jesus.
164
00:09:30,820 --> 00:09:32,606
Yes, Jesus!
Obviously!
165
00:09:32,697 --> 00:09:33,983
Rock on!
166
00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:36,987
Why didn't you say
he was the Son of God?
167
00:09:37,660 --> 00:09:38,660
Was he?
168
00:09:41,372 --> 00:09:44,330
Now, there is one
final matter to discuss.
169
00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:47,076
Pirate radio.
170
00:09:47,170 --> 00:09:48,170
Goodness.
171
00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:50,120
In whose department
does this fall?
172
00:09:50,507 --> 00:09:52,089
That would be me,
Prime Minister.
173
00:09:52,175 --> 00:09:55,293
What's the plan, Sir Alistair?
They're very popular.
174
00:09:55,386 --> 00:09:57,969
And they're not actually breaking
any law that we know of.
175
00:09:58,056 --> 00:10:01,139
We're going to shut them
down within the year.
176
00:10:01,226 --> 00:10:06,062
They are a sewer of dirty and
irresponsible commercialism
177
00:10:06,189 --> 00:10:08,180
and low morals.
178
00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:12,768
Indeed. Very well. I leave
it in your capable hands.
179
00:10:12,862 --> 00:10:14,318
Thank you very much,
Prime Minister.
180
00:10:14,405 --> 00:10:15,941
Thank you all.
181
00:10:23,373 --> 00:10:25,535
Full news again in one hour
with me, John Mayford.
182
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:27,616
Till then, this man.
183
00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:28,871
Right, this was the deal.
184
00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:32,250
I asked all of you to demand of
me to do a very foolish thing,
185
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:36,170
and you sent in ideas
in their millions.
186
00:10:36,261 --> 00:10:38,878
But one idea has
defeated them all,
187
00:10:39,055 --> 00:10:43,140
so I'm proud to announce I will soon be
the first person to say the “F" word
188
00:10:43,226 --> 00:10:46,059
on rock 'n' roll radio in the
United Kingdom of Great Britain.
189
00:10:48,022 --> 00:10:51,560
But my aim is not to offend,
it is to entertain.
190
00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:54,101
But also, perhaps,
to educate a little.
191
00:10:54,237 --> 00:10:55,978
Because if you shoot a
bullet, someone dies.
192
00:10:56,114 --> 00:10:57,900
When you drop a bomb, many die.
193
00:10:58,032 --> 00:10:59,943
If you hit a woman, love dies.
194
00:11:00,076 --> 00:11:03,910
But if you say the "F" word,
nothing actually happens.
195
00:11:04,414 --> 00:11:08,533
So here it comes. Especially
for you, the "F" word.
196
00:11:09,127 --> 00:11:10,583
F...
197
00:11:13,715 --> 00:11:17,128
First, though, this very
fine piece of music.
198
00:11:17,552 --> 00:11:18,667
(HANG ON SLOOPY PLAYING
199
00:11:18,761 --> 00:11:19,761
You can't do this.
200
00:11:19,804 --> 00:11:20,839
Why not?
It's just a word!
201
00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:22,533
Charming thought, but here's
the simple situation.
202
00:11:22,557 --> 00:11:23,917
The authorities
already dislike us.
203
00:11:23,975 --> 00:11:25,261
If you do this
they will hate us,
204
00:11:25,393 --> 00:11:27,663
and by hook or by crook, they'll
find a way to close us down.
205
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:29,303
They can't close us down.
We're pirates.
206
00:11:29,397 --> 00:11:31,750
That's why we're sitting out here in
the middle of the freaking ocean.
207
00:11:31,774 --> 00:11:32,877
Believe me,
they will find a way.
208
00:11:32,901 --> 00:11:35,108
Governments loathe
people being free.
209
00:11:35,236 --> 00:11:37,318
Ah, come on.
What's this about?
210
00:11:37,405 --> 00:11:38,566
Okay.
211
00:11:41,784 --> 00:11:44,025
Okay, I'm thinking about it.
212
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:48,207
Okay.
213
00:11:50,627 --> 00:11:53,870
My dear comrades,
I have some sad news.
214
00:11:53,963 --> 00:11:55,249
The powers that be have decreed
215
00:11:55,340 --> 00:11:57,126
that the "F" word
is a word too far.
216
00:11:57,217 --> 00:11:58,378
But at least for now,
217
00:11:58,468 --> 00:12:01,301
even though our dreams of freedom
have died a tragic death,
218
00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:03,761
The Hollies are still alive.
219
00:12:05,475 --> 00:12:06,636
Thank you.
220
00:12:06,768 --> 00:12:07,786
I don't know why you did that.
221
00:12:07,810 --> 00:12:09,721
I was just gonna
say "fuck" once.
222
00:12:09,812 --> 00:12:11,223
You know,
one tiny little "fuck."
223
00:12:11,314 --> 00:12:13,146
There's no such thing
as a tiny little "fuck."
224
00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,395
Yeah, there is. You should
ask Angus' girlfriend.
225
00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:19,896
Be that as it may, there's no "fuck"
so small it won't fuck us up.
226
00:12:19,989 --> 00:12:22,822
One clay, in a world of dreams,
you'll be able to say "wank"
227
00:12:22,951 --> 00:12:26,990
or "bollocks“ or even "cock" on the radio.
But "fuck, “ never.
228
00:12:27,121 --> 00:12:29,078
Excuse me, Your Lordship.
Yes, Harold?
229
00:12:29,165 --> 00:12:31,953
You've left your mike up
in the studio.
230
00:12:32,835 --> 00:12:34,667
Oh!
231
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:38,838
So I have.
232
00:12:40,468 --> 00:12:43,085
I do apologize to
everyone out there
233
00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:47,802
for the four...
234
00:12:47,934 --> 00:12:50,892
Or was it five "F" words, Quentin?
It was five-
235
00:12:50,979 --> 00:12:53,721
The Hollies will
continue undisturbed.
236
00:12:55,066 --> 00:12:57,979
I'm so sorry about that,
Quentin, but you know,
237
00:12:58,069 --> 00:13:00,936
I thought you sounded good. You
have a lovely voice for radio.
238
00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:02,361
Fuck off.
239
00:13:02,907 --> 00:13:05,194
That makes it six, Quentin.
240
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:07,697
It couldn't have turned out
better, in my opinion.
241
00:13:08,997 --> 00:13:13,958
Right. Good morning, good morning, good
morning, good morning. Please sit down.
242
00:13:15,712 --> 00:13:18,420
Pirate radio stations.
Good, good, good, good, good.
243
00:13:18,506 --> 00:13:20,247
Now, I have told
the Prime Minister
244
00:13:20,341 --> 00:13:22,173
that we will shut them
down within 12 months.
245
00:13:22,260 --> 00:13:27,346
As you will see, sir, they're not in fact
outside of the law at the moment, sir.
246
00:13:28,558 --> 00:13:31,516
Then they soon will be,
won't they, Mr...
247
00:13:31,602 --> 00:13:33,058
Fredericks.
Fredericks.
248
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:34,832
You see, that's the whole point
of being the government.
249
00:13:34,856 --> 00:13:38,440
If you don't like something, you simply
make up a new law that makes it illegal.
250
00:13:39,861 --> 00:13:42,944
Speaking of which, Mr...
Fredericks.
251
00:13:43,031 --> 00:13:44,031
Fredericks.
Yes, sir?
252
00:13:44,115 --> 00:13:48,200
I think we might also start working on
legislation to outlaw that haircut of yours.
253
00:13:50,038 --> 00:13:51,654
You don't like it, sir?
254
00:13:51,748 --> 00:13:53,955
No one likes it.
Apart from blind people.
255
00:13:54,042 --> 00:13:56,909
And I'm sure even they can sense its
profound ugliness as it passes by.
256
00:13:57,003 --> 00:13:58,439
I'll give you a day
to deal with the hair,
257
00:13:58,463 --> 00:14:00,955
and a fortnight to deal
with the pirates. Goodbye.
258
00:14:01,049 --> 00:14:04,041
Miss C, as I suspected,
totally useless!
259
00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:05,591
Send me that clever new chap.
260
00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:06,678
Certainly, sir!
261
00:14:06,763 --> 00:14:09,425
I have a job for him.
We have some damage to do.
262
00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:11,677
Good morning, everybody.
263
00:14:11,768 --> 00:14:13,688
You're listening to
Simple Simon's Breakfast Show
264
00:14:13,770 --> 00:14:16,387
on 203 meters in
the medium waveband.
265
00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:18,313
You're one of 23 million people
266
00:14:18,399 --> 00:14:20,766
listening to the Boat
of Love this morning.
267
00:14:21,611 --> 00:14:23,852
Looking forward to Saturday?
Uh-huh.
268
00:14:23,946 --> 00:14:24,946
What's Saturday?
269
00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:26,400
Sexsational Saturday!
270
00:14:27,617 --> 00:14:31,281
As you may have noticed, there are,
unfortunubbly, no women on this boat,
271
00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:32,532
apart from Felicity...
272
00:14:32,622 --> 00:14:33,783
Hiya!
273
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:36,205
Who is of
the lesbionic tendency.
274
00:14:36,292 --> 00:14:41,253
But every second Saturday, each DJ is
allowed to invite one girl onto the boat.
275
00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:47,254
So, any idea who you'll invite?
276
00:14:47,428 --> 00:14:50,136
Oh, um, God.
277
00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:54,137
Presumably there's a sort of
presumption that there'll be
278
00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:56,642
sex, of some sort.
Every time.
279
00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:58,595
- Yeah.
- Then no.
280
00:14:58,689 --> 00:15:01,647
I've spent my life
at all-boys' schools.
281
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:04,438
The closest I've ever
come to a snog
282
00:15:04,529 --> 00:15:08,022
is when I was once licked
on the face by a horse.
283
00:15:08,449 --> 00:15:10,110
Sounds good, actually.
Oh, dear.
284
00:15:10,201 --> 00:15:11,316
A horse?
285
00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:12,947
I'm sorry to hear that,
Carl, my son.
286
00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:14,615
I would seriously like to help.
287
00:15:14,705 --> 00:15:16,161
I Will put my mind to it.
288
00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:17,410
Miss Peacock.
289
00:15:17,542 --> 00:15:18,748
How are you lined up, Ang?
290
00:15:18,835 --> 00:15:20,826
Well, her name is Daphne.
291
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:24,254
Ah, yes. And she likes
the bearded man.
292
00:15:24,340 --> 00:15:25,340
She does, indeed.
293
00:15:25,383 --> 00:15:26,544
With a tiny knob.
294
00:15:26,634 --> 00:15:27,965
Whatever.
295
00:15:28,511 --> 00:15:30,878
I've got a tiny knob, actually.
296
00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:33,463
But I rather like it.
297
00:15:34,058 --> 00:15:36,846
It means I can wear
smaller underpants.
298
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:43,432
Don't know what that means. I
didn't understand any of that.
299
00:15:44,193 --> 00:15:47,106
Who's that guy up there?
I haven't met him yet.
300
00:15:48,322 --> 00:15:49,904
That is Mark.
301
00:15:50,324 --> 00:15:53,908
He's the sexiest man on the planet.
Hardly ever speaks.
302
00:15:54,036 --> 00:15:57,574
Not even when he's broadcasting,
which is interesting.
303
00:15:58,708 --> 00:16:00,745
So that's Midnight Mark.
304
00:16:24,692 --> 00:16:25,807
Wow.
305
00:16:28,112 --> 00:16:29,318
Now...
306
00:16:38,372 --> 00:16:39,372
You not got anyone?
307
00:16:39,415 --> 00:16:41,326
No. No, not today.
308
00:16:41,709 --> 00:16:44,792
I guess I'm really... I'm looking
for that "one true love“ thing.
309
00:16:44,879 --> 00:16:47,837
Really?
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Big time.
310
00:16:48,382 --> 00:16:49,543
Oh, look, here they come.
311
00:16:49,634 --> 00:16:50,749
Here they come.
312
00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:52,425
Here they are!
313
00:16:52,595 --> 00:16:53,710
Wow.
314
00:16:56,307 --> 00:16:57,547
Wowzer.
315
00:17:05,066 --> 00:17:07,808
Oh, my God,
it's like a boat of honey.
316
00:17:10,363 --> 00:17:11,979
Dave! Dave!
317
00:17:12,073 --> 00:17:13,939
I wanna sleep with them all!
318
00:17:17,828 --> 00:17:19,034
Hi.
319
00:17:31,133 --> 00:17:33,044
I need a big drink.
320
00:17:33,135 --> 00:17:34,625
I agree. Let's leave.
321
00:17:56,158 --> 00:17:58,320
All right, hurry, up the steps.
322
00:17:59,245 --> 00:18:01,452
Do you mind if I call you
guys by the same name?
323
00:18:01,539 --> 00:18:03,121
Twins can be very confusing.
324
00:18:03,207 --> 00:18:04,288
We don't mind.
325
00:18:10,131 --> 00:18:12,418
You know, this is actually
a very interesting book.
326
00:18:12,508 --> 00:18:14,340
Is it?
Yes, it's...
327
00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:16,835
My father used to
collect woodpeckers.
328
00:18:16,971 --> 00:18:18,678
Really?
Yeah! No.
329
00:18:18,973 --> 00:18:20,759
No, my father was an architect.
330
00:18:20,850 --> 00:18:22,591
How about you?
What did your father do?
331
00:18:22,685 --> 00:18:27,100
Well, he had sex with my mum and then
left without leaving his name or address.
332
00:18:27,189 --> 00:18:28,850
No.
Yeah.
333
00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:30,936
No!
It's cool.
334
00:18:31,027 --> 00:18:34,019
I... You don't miss
what you've never had.
335
00:18:39,368 --> 00:18:41,484
Nothing planned, you guys?
336
00:18:41,579 --> 00:18:43,365
No, no.
Not yet.
337
00:18:43,998 --> 00:18:47,582
Another very quiet afternoon
for me and my sex life.
338
00:18:50,755 --> 00:18:52,245
The sad room.
339
00:18:54,759 --> 00:18:57,592
Ah! Come here.
340
00:18:58,512 --> 00:19:00,298
I've come to get you
out of your predicament.
341
00:19:00,389 --> 00:19:01,470
What predicament?
342
00:19:01,557 --> 00:19:05,551
The whole sad act. No girl, unused
pencil-sized penis predicament.
343
00:19:05,936 --> 00:19:08,598
Oh. That predicament.
344
00:19:09,190 --> 00:19:10,726
Walk this way.
345
00:19:13,361 --> 00:19:15,193
Don't walk that way.
346
00:19:15,279 --> 00:19:17,190
No. Walk woodpecker way.
Well, I'm just gonna...
347
00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:25,612
Okay. Okay, it might work.
348
00:19:26,415 --> 00:19:27,951
But, one, it's morally wrong.
349
00:19:28,042 --> 00:19:29,999
Well, I mean, is it?
Yes.
350
00:19:30,086 --> 00:19:31,188
And, two, it might not work.
351
00:19:31,212 --> 00:19:33,493
In which case I'm gonna be the
biggest idiot in the world.
352
00:19:34,382 --> 00:19:37,044
All this is true.
But on the other hand,
353
00:19:37,134 --> 00:19:39,717
it could be the best five
minutes of your life.
354
00:19:42,723 --> 00:19:45,465
You hear that?
That's destiny knocking.
355
00:19:46,227 --> 00:19:47,308
Get in there.
356
00:19:49,647 --> 00:19:52,264
Oh, yeah.
The doctor is hungry.
357
00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:55,233
Come on in, baby.
358
00:19:55,736 --> 00:19:57,602
What's this?
Alcohol.
359
00:19:57,697 --> 00:19:58,697
Oh.
360
00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:00,567
You're trying to
get me drunk, are you?
361
00:20:00,658 --> 00:20:02,444
Of course I am.
362
00:20:03,577 --> 00:20:06,285
How you been?
You all right?
363
00:20:08,457 --> 00:20:11,074
I need to pull the pin
on my love grenade.
364
00:20:11,168 --> 00:20:12,579
Please do.
365
00:20:15,756 --> 00:20:16,917
Boom.
366
00:20:20,261 --> 00:20:22,298
I think...
367
00:20:22,972 --> 00:20:24,508
I think we should
turn the lights off.
368
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:28,008
Do we have to? I like to
see you when I'm with you.
369
00:20:28,144 --> 00:20:33,014
I can't make love in electric
light, it's unnatural.
370
00:20:33,149 --> 00:20:35,982
Trust me, though, yeah?
I'm a doctor.
371
00:20:39,655 --> 00:20:42,443
Okay. Lin, deux, trois.
372
00:20:43,451 --> 00:20:45,283
Let's do this, yeah?
373
00:20:45,453 --> 00:20:47,160
Come on.
Keep your boots on.
374
00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:48,949
Keeping the boots on.
375
00:20:49,039 --> 00:20:53,328
There we go. Although,
not quite good enough.
376
00:20:55,296 --> 00:20:57,037
There. Pitch black.
377
00:20:57,506 --> 00:20:58,667
Hey!
378
00:21:01,510 --> 00:21:03,626
You are a very complex man.
379
00:21:03,721 --> 00:21:05,086
Thank you.
380
00:21:08,350 --> 00:21:11,058
Will you... Will you just
excuse me for a second?
381
00:21:11,187 --> 00:21:12,598
Where are you going?
382
00:21:12,688 --> 00:21:14,850
I think we should take some
precautionary measures.
383
00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:15,940
Hurry back.
384
00:21:16,025 --> 00:21:17,641
Oh! I will.
385
00:21:21,655 --> 00:21:22,758
What the hell are you doing?
386
00:21:22,782 --> 00:21:24,593
I just thought it'd be nice
if I brushed my teeth first,
387
00:21:24,617 --> 00:21:25,719
but I didn't have
my own toothbrush,
388
00:21:25,743 --> 00:21:26,970
so what I did was I borrowed...
389
00:21:26,994 --> 00:21:30,612
No, I mean, what the hell are
you doing still dressed?
390
00:21:30,915 --> 00:21:32,675
Oh! Yes, do you think
I should get undressed?
391
00:21:32,708 --> 00:21:33,789
Yeah.
392
00:21:33,876 --> 00:21:35,636
I can't walk out of there
stark-bollock naked
393
00:21:35,669 --> 00:21:37,149
and walk back in
fully clothed, can I?
394
00:21:37,213 --> 00:21:38,544
Fine, okay, fine.
395
00:21:38,672 --> 00:21:39,958
Think smart.
Right.
396
00:21:40,049 --> 00:21:41,234
Are you sure it's
dark enough out there?
397
00:21:41,258 --> 00:21:42,373
Yes, it's pitch black.
398
00:21:42,468 --> 00:21:44,800
The pope could walk in and poke
her, she would never know.
399
00:21:44,887 --> 00:21:47,128
I just wish I was a bit bigger.
Why'?
400
00:21:47,223 --> 00:21:48,588
'Cause you're beefy, you know?
401
00:21:49,809 --> 00:21:51,703
Can I come in? I need to wee.
Yeah, hang on, hang on!
402
00:21:51,727 --> 00:21:52,967
One second. No!
403
00:21:53,062 --> 00:21:57,647
In here! Down, get down.
Hurry! Hurry... Hurry up!
404
00:22:01,821 --> 00:22:03,061
Come in.
405
00:22:03,405 --> 00:22:04,941
What are you doing in here?
406
00:22:05,074 --> 00:22:07,406
Little private man things.
407
00:22:07,493 --> 00:22:09,279
Thought I could hear voices.
408
00:22:09,370 --> 00:22:10,388
Oh, you know, us disc jockeys,
409
00:22:10,412 --> 00:22:12,494
we're always practicing
our patter.
410
00:22:12,581 --> 00:22:14,242
Gosh, you're quite chunky,
aren't you?
411
00:22:14,333 --> 00:22:16,495
Am I? I mean, yeah!
412
00:22:17,419 --> 00:22:19,660
Yeah, I suppose I am.
The girls seem to like it.
413
00:22:22,633 --> 00:22:23,668
Wash, wash!
414
00:22:23,759 --> 00:22:26,342
That's what I like about you.
You're a nice clean bird.
415
00:22:26,428 --> 00:22:28,339
That's what you think.
416
00:22:28,430 --> 00:22:30,467
No! Uh-uh!
417
00:22:32,017 --> 00:22:34,429
No, no way. Don't...
Don't do that.
418
00:22:35,104 --> 00:22:37,095
Don't dry your hands, I...
419
00:22:37,189 --> 00:22:39,055
I love a girl with
420
00:22:40,442 --> 00:22:41,853
wet hands.
421
00:22:42,778 --> 00:22:44,439
You are strange.
422
00:22:46,615 --> 00:22:49,858
Do you want to
get down to it, then?
423
00:22:50,244 --> 00:22:52,451
Just give me a second,
will you? I'm gonna...
424
00:22:52,538 --> 00:22:57,283
Don't know if you can see, but I've got a bit
of nougat lodged in a molar at the back.
425
00:22:57,418 --> 00:22:58,874
Well, hurry up, lover boy.
426
00:22:58,961 --> 00:23:00,668
I will, lover girl.
427
00:23:05,926 --> 00:23:07,212
Oi, Casanova.
428
00:23:07,303 --> 00:23:10,091
But what about the size
thing? She said you were chunky.
429
00:23:10,180 --> 00:23:11,545
Look, look.
430
00:23:11,891 --> 00:23:13,381
Relax. Just find
the right position
431
00:23:13,475 --> 00:23:16,217
and it will all be over
before she realizes.
432
00:23:16,312 --> 00:23:17,312
Just be quick.
433
00:23:17,396 --> 00:23:19,356
I think you can be pretty
sure I'm gonna be quick.
434
00:23:21,108 --> 00:23:24,317
I see a lot of myself in you.
Come here.
435
00:23:26,447 --> 00:23:28,484
It's a very special time.
436
00:23:28,991 --> 00:23:30,322
Trousers.
437
00:23:32,328 --> 00:23:34,410
I can do this. I just
don't know where...
438
00:23:34,496 --> 00:23:38,160
Shh. Hey, look at me.
Enjoy it. Enjoy it.
439
00:23:39,919 --> 00:23:41,205
I'm not a virgin.
Okay.
440
00:23:41,295 --> 00:23:42,501
I'm having second thoughts.
441
00:23:42,588 --> 00:23:43,953
Carl.
442
00:23:45,758 --> 00:23:47,624
This is your destiny.
443
00:23:48,844 --> 00:23:50,460
Hello, big boy.
444
00:23:53,682 --> 00:23:56,299
No, wrong room! Sorry.
445
00:24:03,859 --> 00:24:05,190
Come in.
446
00:24:05,736 --> 00:24:07,852
Sir?
Ah! Yes.
447
00:24:09,365 --> 00:24:12,323
Very impressive references here.
Thank you, sir.
448
00:24:12,409 --> 00:24:14,195
Very unusual name.
449
00:24:15,537 --> 00:24:16,698
Twatt?
450
00:24:17,206 --> 00:24:21,120
And that's with two T's? Have you
heard of pirate radio, Twatt?
451
00:24:21,210 --> 00:24:22,371
Like Radio Rock, sir?
452
00:24:22,461 --> 00:24:25,123
Indeed, exactly like Radio Rock.
453
00:24:25,214 --> 00:24:27,046
Ever listened to it?
Not often.
454
00:24:27,174 --> 00:24:29,791
I'm not really a pop person.
I prefer classical music.
455
00:24:29,885 --> 00:24:30,920
Well, who doesn't?
456
00:24:31,011 --> 00:24:32,627
The listeners of
Radio Rock, sir?
457
00:24:32,721 --> 00:24:34,086
Precisely.
458
00:24:34,390 --> 00:24:36,176
The drug-takers
and the law breakers
459
00:24:36,266 --> 00:24:37,802
and the bottom-bashing
fornicators
460
00:24:37,893 --> 00:24:40,225
of our recently great country.
461
00:24:43,565 --> 00:24:46,148
Well, here's your
little task, Twatt.
462
00:24:46,235 --> 00:24:48,727
I want Rock off the air
in 12 months,
463
00:24:48,821 --> 00:24:53,440
and I want you to be
my private assassin.
464
00:24:56,745 --> 00:24:59,032
I was gone! No, I had to...
I had to leave.
465
00:24:59,123 --> 00:25:00,488
Don't want it.
466
00:25:03,252 --> 00:25:04,333
All right.
467
00:25:04,420 --> 00:25:05,660
What's wrong with you?
468
00:25:05,754 --> 00:25:07,040
You're so fussy.
469
00:25:07,131 --> 00:25:11,250
But she did this wonderful thing,
where she put a tiny bit of ketchup...
470
00:25:25,190 --> 00:25:26,271
Hi.
471
00:25:27,609 --> 00:25:29,850
Sorry, man, but who are you?
472
00:25:32,865 --> 00:25:33,980
Bob.
473
00:25:36,493 --> 00:25:37,858
Smooth Bob.
474
00:25:38,120 --> 00:25:40,361
Bob Silver, the Dawn Treader.
475
00:25:40,456 --> 00:25:44,825
I do the early, early,
early morning show.
476
00:25:46,253 --> 00:25:47,414
Oh!
477
00:25:48,464 --> 00:25:49,920
You're Bob.
478
00:25:50,090 --> 00:25:51,876
Yeah.
Good old Bob.
479
00:25:51,967 --> 00:25:54,299
How long have you
been on the boat, Bob?
480
00:25:54,428 --> 00:25:58,592
Seven months. Every morning, 3:00 a.m.
to 6:00 a.m.
481
00:25:59,391 --> 00:26:02,258
Well, then how come
we've never met you?
482
00:26:03,312 --> 00:26:06,475
Well, you know,
I keep myself to myself.
483
00:26:06,815 --> 00:26:08,431
A lot of sleep.
484
00:26:09,610 --> 00:26:11,271
Fair amount of drugs.
485
00:26:11,361 --> 00:26:13,728
A total immersion in
the vinyl, you know?
486
00:26:13,822 --> 00:26:19,033
Gotta listen to the music if you're
gonna give the people what they need.
487
00:26:19,119 --> 00:26:21,861
Amen. In their heart and their soul.
Yeah?
488
00:26:24,124 --> 00:26:25,124
Um...
489
00:26:26,251 --> 00:26:29,664
Better be getting back
to the sounds, 'cause
490
00:26:31,340 --> 00:26:33,627
it's a bit hectic in here.
491
00:26:39,306 --> 00:26:41,593
- So that's Bob?
- Good old Bob.
492
00:26:41,934 --> 00:26:43,174
COUNT". That's Bob.
493
00:26:43,519 --> 00:26:44,805
Arise, Sir Bob.
494
00:26:45,020 --> 00:26:46,681
What was his name again?
495
00:26:47,231 --> 00:26:48,346
Really?
496
00:26:49,441 --> 00:26:51,227
So, young man, how's it going?
497
00:26:51,318 --> 00:26:54,982
Well, sir, I think I may have
had a little breakthrough.
498
00:26:55,614 --> 00:26:58,481
The pirate stations only exist
because they sell advertising.
499
00:26:58,575 --> 00:27:00,361
Oh, yes, you can listen
to our pop music,
500
00:27:00,452 --> 00:27:03,911
but only if you also buy
Findus Frozen Fish Fingers.
501
00:27:03,997 --> 00:27:07,285
Exactly. So what we
can do immediately
502
00:27:07,376 --> 00:27:09,492
is make advertising
on the stations illegal
503
00:27:09,586 --> 00:27:11,497
for British companies.
504
00:27:11,672 --> 00:27:13,913
We would cut off the boats'
cash with one fell swoop.
505
00:27:14,007 --> 00:27:15,372
Brilliant.
506
00:27:17,427 --> 00:27:19,168
I like you, Twatt.
507
00:27:20,681 --> 00:27:21,961
I'm more of
a Jean Shrimpton fan.
508
00:27:23,100 --> 00:27:24,828
Stop blowing the whistle,
man, we were chatting.
509
00:27:24,852 --> 00:27:26,292
I have a very
important announcement.
510
00:27:26,353 --> 00:27:29,891
As you may know, there has
been a serious squeeze
511
00:27:29,982 --> 00:27:33,020
put on our advertisers
by Her Majesty's Government.
512
00:27:33,527 --> 00:27:36,645
This chart, thank you, John,
513
00:27:36,738 --> 00:27:41,153
displays what's been happening to our
advertising revenue in the last few weeks.
514
00:27:41,243 --> 00:27:42,243
Ouch.
515
00:27:42,327 --> 00:27:45,740
So, I've had to stir myself
from my traditional languor
516
00:27:45,831 --> 00:27:48,414
and do something to make the
station more attractive
517
00:27:48,500 --> 00:27:50,411
to new commercial partners.
518
00:27:50,502 --> 00:27:53,620
Two years ago,
something terrible happened,
519
00:27:53,714 --> 00:27:58,459
and we lost the greatest DJ pirate
radio has ever known to America,
520
00:27:58,552 --> 00:28:01,465
ambition,
and alcoholic poisoning.
521
00:28:03,473 --> 00:28:04,784
And then something
wonderful happened
522
00:28:04,808 --> 00:28:07,015
and we got, in return,
from America,
523
00:28:07,102 --> 00:28:08,592
a man who proved
more than capable
524
00:28:08,687 --> 00:28:10,519
of filling those enormous shoes.
525
00:28:10,606 --> 00:28:12,438
Bravo, Count.
I do my humble best.
526
00:28:12,649 --> 00:28:13,935
This guy.
527
00:28:14,026 --> 00:28:16,267
And now, my friends,
I have good news.
528
00:28:16,361 --> 00:28:17,361
Bad news, sir.
529
00:28:17,446 --> 00:28:18,607
Very good news.
530
00:28:19,281 --> 00:28:21,318
Have you ever heard
of Gavin Kavanagh?
531
00:28:21,408 --> 00:28:22,648
No, I have not.
532
00:28:22,743 --> 00:28:26,486
He's possibly the most famous
popular music broadcaster ever.
533
00:28:26,580 --> 00:28:29,618
Indeed, a strange
and mysterious legend.
534
00:28:29,917 --> 00:28:30,998
And what about him?
535
00:28:31,084 --> 00:28:32,495
Well, sir, he's decided...
536
00:28:32,586 --> 00:28:33,951
To return.
537
00:28:34,046 --> 00:28:36,162
No! Stop it!
538
00:28:37,466 --> 00:28:39,002
Oh, my...
539
00:28:39,092 --> 00:28:41,003
Three weeks today,
540
00:28:41,094 --> 00:28:45,053
Gavin Kavanagh returns
to rock on Radio Rock.
541
00:28:56,026 --> 00:28:57,061
So?
542
00:28:57,152 --> 00:28:58,483
So, it is more
important than ever
543
00:28:58,570 --> 00:29:00,732
to actually close
the stations down.
544
00:29:00,822 --> 00:29:05,612
Otherwise the advertisers will simply flock
back and pay their bills from abroad.
545
00:29:05,702 --> 00:29:07,659
Well, what are we
going to do, then?
546
00:29:08,372 --> 00:29:11,160
We go, sir, for the jugular.
547
00:29:15,462 --> 00:29:17,078
And this next song
is dedicated to
548
00:29:17,172 --> 00:29:18,913
the coolest man
in the whole of the world,
549
00:29:19,007 --> 00:29:21,669
and he's about to
step onto this boat.
550
00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:23,250
It is gorgeous Gavin Kavanagh,
551
00:29:23,345 --> 00:29:25,552
and this week he's
definitely number one!
552
00:29:28,016 --> 00:29:30,348
(JUMPING JACK FLASH PLAYING
553
00:29:55,460 --> 00:29:56,746
Quentin.
554
00:30:05,554 --> 00:30:07,670
And you must be The Count.
555
00:30:09,141 --> 00:30:10,427
Lam he.
556
00:30:13,645 --> 00:30:16,387
I wonder what that
makes me, the king?
557
00:30:17,399 --> 00:30:18,935
Or the clown?
558
00:30:19,484 --> 00:30:20,645
Nice to meet you, sweetheart.
559
00:30:20,736 --> 00:30:21,736
All right.
And you are?
560
00:30:21,778 --> 00:30:22,778
Felicity.
561
00:30:22,863 --> 00:30:23,978
Rules changed?
562
00:30:24,072 --> 00:30:25,278
I'm a lesbian.
563
00:30:25,365 --> 00:30:27,652
Groovy!
Always or mostly?
564
00:30:27,743 --> 00:30:29,450
Absolutely always.
565
00:30:29,911 --> 00:30:30,946
So you say.
566
00:30:31,038 --> 00:30:32,038
No! Stop that.
567
00:30:32,122 --> 00:30:36,332
Now, take me to my microphone.
I need to broadcast.
568
00:30:37,836 --> 00:30:39,167
Let's go, Gavin.
569
00:30:52,059 --> 00:30:55,552
Are you doing
something dirty? Hmm?
570
00:30:57,064 --> 00:30:59,601
Are you doing something your
parents don't know about?
571
00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:03,567
Are you breaking the law?
572
00:31:07,449 --> 00:31:09,781
Are you breaking the rules?
573
00:31:10,619 --> 00:31:13,532
Open your knees
and feel the breeze,
574
00:31:14,414 --> 00:31:17,406
because Gavin's back to stay.
575
00:31:20,712 --> 00:31:22,623
Now it's just you and me,
576
00:31:22,714 --> 00:31:25,627
and I'm looking
right up your skirt.
577
00:31:28,303 --> 00:31:30,135
That feels so good.
578
00:31:31,556 --> 00:31:32,921
That feels wonderful!
579
00:31:33,225 --> 00:31:34,465
Listen to this.
580
00:31:40,107 --> 00:31:43,099
Watch and learn, kids,
watch and learn.
581
00:31:46,071 --> 00:31:49,154
This is Gavin, tweaking
the nation's nipples!
582
00:31:54,496 --> 00:31:56,078
So, join me tomorrow,
583
00:31:56,164 --> 00:31:59,998
when I'll be playing definitive
rock 'n' roll here on Radio Rock.
584
00:32:00,460 --> 00:32:01,791
Think of me when you come.
585
00:32:02,212 --> 00:32:04,123
And now it's over to Jolly John.
586
00:32:04,714 --> 00:32:08,878
For some more murders, rapes
and abductions, it's the news.
587
00:32:12,431 --> 00:32:14,718
The news at midday.
588
00:32:15,809 --> 00:32:17,971
In London...
589
00:32:18,979 --> 00:32:22,267
Twatt, Miss C.
How is the jugular going?
590
00:32:22,357 --> 00:32:23,392
Slowly, sir.
591
00:32:23,483 --> 00:32:25,628
Yes, I hear the arrival of Mr.
Kavanagh has been followed
592
00:32:25,652 --> 00:32:28,019
by the founding of a rash of
new stations, for God's sake.
593
00:32:28,113 --> 00:32:29,979
Yes, sir. Sort it
out in a fortnight.
594
00:32:30,073 --> 00:32:32,735
Find me a loophole in the law so
that I can make them all illegal
595
00:32:32,826 --> 00:32:34,112
or you are both fired.
596
00:32:34,202 --> 00:32:37,320
And when I say fired, I do not only
mean that you will lose your jobs.
597
00:32:37,414 --> 00:32:40,156
I mean that you will
never work again!
598
00:32:40,459 --> 00:32:43,042
You disastrous, pathetic
599
00:32:46,381 --> 00:32:47,917
ugly nobodies.
600
00:32:50,260 --> 00:32:53,343
Jugular, my arse!
601
00:32:56,975 --> 00:32:58,841
You wanted to see me?
602
00:32:59,019 --> 00:33:00,384
Oh, yes, Carl!
603
00:33:00,979 --> 00:33:04,062
Your birthday is coming and I
haven't got you a present yet.
604
00:33:04,191 --> 00:33:06,728
It's difficult. What do you
give the man who has nothing?
605
00:33:06,818 --> 00:33:07,979
Yes, tricky.
606
00:33:08,069 --> 00:33:11,812
So, after deep thought, what
I've decided is to give you
607
00:33:13,241 --> 00:33:14,697
a nice time.
608
00:33:15,076 --> 00:33:19,570
Tomorrow evening, I've invited
my niece, Marianne, to dinner.
609
00:33:20,499 --> 00:33:25,585
She is the sweetest and
prettiest girl in the world.
610
00:33:27,130 --> 00:33:32,091
Radio Rock Where romance rules
611
00:33:33,094 --> 00:33:35,085
It's Midnight Mark here.
612
00:33:36,932 --> 00:33:38,013
Hi.
613
00:33:40,101 --> 00:33:41,341
Hello?
614
00:33:41,937 --> 00:33:43,018
Midnight Mark.
615
00:33:43,104 --> 00:33:44,936
Carl. Good evening.
616
00:33:45,607 --> 00:33:48,440
This is Marianne.
617
00:33:48,735 --> 00:33:50,817
(THESE ARMS OF MINE PLAYING
618
00:33:56,701 --> 00:33:57,862
Hi.
619
00:33:57,953 --> 00:33:59,114
Hi.
620
00:34:00,205 --> 00:34:01,286
Hi.
621
00:34:02,249 --> 00:34:04,115
You already said that.
622
00:34:04,876 --> 00:34:06,037
Yeah.
623
00:34:07,295 --> 00:34:12,631
Could you excuse me
for one second?
624
00:34:18,765 --> 00:34:21,223
Dave. Hi.
Hi.
625
00:34:21,726 --> 00:34:25,219
Could, um, I borrow a...
626
00:34:29,067 --> 00:34:30,398
A condom?
627
00:34:30,819 --> 00:34:31,980
Sure.
628
00:34:32,279 --> 00:34:35,237
Well, well, well, Young Carl.
629
00:34:36,825 --> 00:34:39,817
You... Do you know
how it works?
630
00:34:39,953 --> 00:34:43,116
Of course I bloody
know how it works.
631
00:34:45,667 --> 00:34:46,828
Carl.
632
00:35:00,849 --> 00:35:03,841
They made me steer
the thing myself. Alone.
633
00:35:04,144 --> 00:35:05,225
And you did?
Yeah.
634
00:35:05,312 --> 00:35:07,303
I must be the most
inexperienced person...
635
00:35:07,397 --> 00:35:08,558
Quentin around?
636
00:35:08,648 --> 00:35:10,355
No, actually,
you just missed him.
637
00:35:10,483 --> 00:35:13,521
Oh, my God. A woman.
638
00:35:16,197 --> 00:35:18,529
And not just a woman.
639
00:35:18,617 --> 00:35:23,953
The most beautiful and succulent
woman in the history of mankind.
640
00:35:25,665 --> 00:35:27,656
Dave, this is Marianne.
641
00:35:28,209 --> 00:35:30,621
Dave, hello!
I'm a real fan!
642
00:35:31,921 --> 00:35:33,286
Who isn't?
643
00:35:33,840 --> 00:35:39,210
Well, it's lovely to meet you,
Miraculous Marianne.
644
00:35:43,892 --> 00:35:44,927
No.
645
00:35:45,018 --> 00:35:46,224
No, me neither.
646
00:35:47,103 --> 00:35:49,094
I can see why you wanted
that condom. What?
647
00:35:49,189 --> 00:35:51,226
Well, well, night-night.
648
00:35:52,651 --> 00:35:54,517
What did he just say?
649
00:35:55,862 --> 00:35:57,944
"Night-night"?
No, before that.
650
00:35:59,407 --> 00:36:02,365
I didn't quite catch it.
651
00:36:02,452 --> 00:36:05,786
Did he say, "I can see why
you wanted the condom"?
652
00:36:07,916 --> 00:36:10,157
I did not hear him say that.
653
00:36:10,835 --> 00:36:12,075
I did.
654
00:36:12,170 --> 00:36:14,286
And the only conclusion
I can draw from that
655
00:36:14,381 --> 00:36:16,167
is that you thought
I was going to be so easy
656
00:36:16,257 --> 00:36:18,544
that you borrowed a condom.
657
00:36:20,679 --> 00:36:21,840
No.
658
00:36:21,930 --> 00:36:24,888
No? What other conclusion
can I then draw?
659
00:36:29,479 --> 00:36:30,640
Okay.
660
00:36:33,191 --> 00:36:35,398
It's true.
And I'm sorry.
661
00:36:36,444 --> 00:36:40,187
It's just that the first
moment I saw you,
662
00:36:41,366 --> 00:36:43,949
I fell in love
with you, instantly,
663
00:36:44,327 --> 00:36:49,163
and I thought that, if I got
luckier than any man has ever got,
664
00:36:49,582 --> 00:36:52,825
it would be a tragedy
if I didn't have
665
00:36:55,672 --> 00:36:57,037
a condom.
666
00:36:57,674 --> 00:37:01,918
I can see now that that was
just sick and very wrong,
667
00:37:02,011 --> 00:37:05,845
and so I'm gonna take the
condom out of my pocket
668
00:37:06,808 --> 00:37:10,597
and I'm throwing the condom
into the North Sea.
669
00:37:10,979 --> 00:37:13,266
You see, I already adore you.
670
00:37:13,732 --> 00:37:17,145
I hope one day we'll get
married and have children.
671
00:37:19,154 --> 00:37:20,519
Thank you.
672
00:37:27,954 --> 00:37:29,319
Come here.
673
00:37:55,273 --> 00:37:58,140
I think we're going
to need that condom.
674
00:37:59,444 --> 00:38:04,985
Dave, you don't have
another condom?
675
00:38:05,283 --> 00:38:07,365
Sorry, mate, it was my last.
676
00:38:07,452 --> 00:38:09,443
What happened to
the one I gave you?
677
00:38:10,288 --> 00:38:11,699
Long story.
678
00:38:11,998 --> 00:38:13,363
Try Gavin.
679
00:38:14,083 --> 00:38:15,448
Thank you.
680
00:38:15,710 --> 00:38:17,997
Okay. Just one minute.
This is my room.
681
00:38:18,087 --> 00:38:20,203
You should stay here,
and I'll be back,
682
00:38:20,298 --> 00:38:22,630
and, Kevin, I can see you.
683
00:38:22,717 --> 00:38:24,253
All right.
684
00:38:31,226 --> 00:38:32,226
Evening.
685
00:38:32,310 --> 00:38:33,516
Good evening.
686
00:38:34,896 --> 00:38:36,853
Thank you, Gavin,
I really appreciate it.
687
00:38:36,940 --> 00:38:38,271
Don't mention it, youngster.
688
00:38:38,358 --> 00:38:42,727
And remember, be gentle, but be firm.
Very firm, indeed.
689
00:38:44,239 --> 00:38:45,946
And when you're done with it,
690
00:38:46,032 --> 00:38:48,820
run it under the tap,
rinse it out, use it again.
691
00:38:53,748 --> 00:38:55,238
Where is she?
692
00:39:00,213 --> 00:39:01,453
Marianne?
693
00:39:02,757 --> 00:39:03,872
Ooh, baby.
694
00:39:09,389 --> 00:39:10,595
Oh, no.
695
00:39:11,224 --> 00:39:12,430
Oh, no!
696
00:39:15,436 --> 00:39:16,676
Hey, kid.
697
00:39:17,438 --> 00:39:18,894
Hey, how you doing?
698
00:39:19,607 --> 00:39:21,564
I can see you, Marianne.
699
00:39:25,697 --> 00:39:26,858
I'm sorry.
700
00:39:47,552 --> 00:39:49,463
That'll warm you up.
701
00:41:31,823 --> 00:41:32,984
Enter.
702
00:41:33,074 --> 00:41:35,907
Sir. The two weeks are over,
703
00:41:36,285 --> 00:41:40,279
and I'm afraid I haven't really
been able to find you a loophole.
704
00:41:42,083 --> 00:41:43,539
What a shame.
705
00:41:43,751 --> 00:41:46,021
Time for you to move on, then,
like your sad little father.
706
00:41:46,045 --> 00:41:48,833
But what I have done
is find you a noose.
707
00:41:50,341 --> 00:41:54,460
I have a report here that says that last
week the distress call of a fishing boat
708
00:41:54,554 --> 00:41:58,593
wasn't heard because its radio
waveband was blocked by Radio Rock.
709
00:41:58,933 --> 00:42:00,844
Men were dying,
and they couldn't be saved
710
00:42:00,935 --> 00:42:04,018
because of this
rock 'n' roll pornography.
711
00:42:04,605 --> 00:42:09,065
I think, sir,
we have our smoking gun.
712
00:42:09,569 --> 00:42:11,435
Well done, Twatt.
713
00:42:11,654 --> 00:42:12,769
Thank you, sir.
714
00:42:14,282 --> 00:42:16,944
We have their testicles
in our hands
715
00:42:18,077 --> 00:42:19,784
and it feels good.
716
00:42:22,915 --> 00:42:25,327
And that was for Erica
from Wolverhampton.
717
00:42:25,418 --> 00:42:26,704
Yes, it's male time.
718
00:42:26,794 --> 00:42:27,794
Oh, my God!
That's you!
719
00:42:30,131 --> 00:42:31,792
Hey, guys.
720
00:42:31,883 --> 00:42:33,965
Hey, Simon,
what can we do for you?
721
00:42:34,052 --> 00:42:38,262
Well, Carl, my mate,
722
00:42:38,890 --> 00:42:42,178
my best mate,
I've got some news.
723
00:42:42,268 --> 00:42:45,539
I don't know why I'm singing. I can't even...
My words are just coming out in tune.
724
00:42:45,563 --> 00:42:48,271
I'm so happy. If I were
The Count right now,
725
00:42:48,357 --> 00:42:54,569
I would definitely be using the "F" word
to describe the level of this good news.
726
00:42:54,655 --> 00:42:56,896
Hold me! Hold me!
727
00:42:56,991 --> 00:42:58,573
For what?
728
00:42:58,659 --> 00:43:00,445
I'm getting married!
729
00:43:00,995 --> 00:43:02,156
To a woman!
730
00:43:04,165 --> 00:43:06,577
You're fucking
doing fucking what?
731
00:43:06,667 --> 00:43:07,667
Getting married.
732
00:43:07,752 --> 00:43:09,618
And give her one
for the Nutster!
733
00:43:09,962 --> 00:43:10,962
I won't.
734
00:43:11,881 --> 00:43:13,337
What's the lovely lady's name?
735
00:43:13,424 --> 00:43:15,085
- Elenore.
- Elenore.
736
00:43:15,176 --> 00:43:16,416
Yeah, she's an American.
737
00:43:16,511 --> 00:43:18,489
Well, well, I hope you
all appreciate what this means.
738
00:43:18,513 --> 00:43:20,629
From next Saturday, there
will, for the first time,
739
00:43:20,723 --> 00:43:22,179
be a woman living on the boat.
740
00:43:22,266 --> 00:43:23,973
No offense meant.
741
00:43:24,060 --> 00:43:26,222
None taken. I'm actually
quite excited about it.
742
00:43:26,312 --> 00:43:28,599
Hands off, you lesbian.
Watch out!
743
00:43:28,689 --> 00:43:29,770
Eye on you.
744
00:43:30,691 --> 00:43:33,774
But Elenore will, of course, be totally
exclusive to her lucky husband.
745
00:43:33,861 --> 00:43:35,443
Here, I hope you gentlemen
can take it.
746
00:43:35,530 --> 00:43:36,645
For my eyes only.
747
00:43:36,739 --> 00:43:40,152
May I just say, now that
Quentin has departed,
748
00:43:40,243 --> 00:43:44,658
one word which I believe is the only
word in the world that now matters?
749
00:43:45,039 --> 00:43:46,746
And that word is...
750
00:43:48,209 --> 00:43:49,540
Matrimony.
751
00:43:50,336 --> 00:43:51,336
Stag!
752
00:43:51,379 --> 00:43:53,290
Yes, yes, yes.
753
00:43:53,381 --> 00:43:56,248
Stag, stag, stag!
754
00:43:58,803 --> 00:44:00,544
Fantastic!
755
00:44:02,390 --> 00:44:04,427
Oh, it's a stag.
Yeah!
756
00:44:04,517 --> 00:44:07,430
I thought you were having a seizure.
He's okay. He's fine.
757
00:44:07,520 --> 00:44:08,851
Play ball!
758
00:44:12,900 --> 00:44:14,766
Only the finest.
759
00:44:35,506 --> 00:44:39,625
I think I might have had a
bit too much to drink last night.
760
00:44:39,844 --> 00:44:42,336
What about you? KEVIN:
No, I'm in good shape.
761
00:44:42,430 --> 00:44:45,673
In fact, I find alcohol
rather sharpens my mind.
762
00:44:46,517 --> 00:44:48,508
Really?
Yes.
763
00:44:48,603 --> 00:44:49,843
And I've been thinking.
764
00:44:49,937 --> 00:44:50,972
Dangerous.
765
00:44:51,063 --> 00:44:56,729
It's a bit queer that your mum sent you
here to get on the straight and narrow,
766
00:44:56,819 --> 00:45:01,279
when this is obviously the worst
possible place in the world to do that.
767
00:45:01,365 --> 00:45:03,857
There's sex and drugs
and alcohol.
768
00:45:03,951 --> 00:45:04,951
Without the sex.
769
00:45:05,036 --> 00:45:08,154
My theory is that you're here
770
00:45:08,623 --> 00:45:14,118
because it's exactly the right
time for a young man like you
771
00:45:15,588 --> 00:45:17,454
to get to know his dad.
772
00:45:24,597 --> 00:45:25,632
And?
773
00:45:26,974 --> 00:45:30,638
I therefore think that
your dad is on this boat.
774
00:45:31,771 --> 00:45:34,889
And since he's definitely
not me,
775
00:45:37,151 --> 00:45:39,392
I think he's probably Quentin.
776
00:45:42,114 --> 00:45:44,822
Sometimes, just sometimes,
777
00:45:46,202 --> 00:45:48,660
I think I should be
called Clever Kevin.
778
00:45:49,413 --> 00:45:50,413
What do you say to that?
779
00:46:00,007 --> 00:46:02,339
So tell me, Twatt,
what's the plan?
780
00:46:02,635 --> 00:46:06,094
I think we should work to get
public opinion on our side.
781
00:46:06,180 --> 00:46:09,798
Then January 1st, we make
pirate radio totally illegal
782
00:46:09,892 --> 00:46:12,350
on the grounds that they
are endangering the lives
783
00:46:12,436 --> 00:46:14,876
of the brave men and women of the
nation's shipping community,
784
00:46:14,939 --> 00:46:19,149
upon whom the economy and fish and
chip shops of the country depend.
785
00:46:20,278 --> 00:46:23,066
And if they try to defy the
law, we take them out.
786
00:46:23,155 --> 00:46:24,486
Splendid.
787
00:46:25,574 --> 00:46:29,784
I think we can call it
the Marine Offences Act.
788
00:46:29,870 --> 00:46:33,613
The Marine Offences Act.
I like it.
789
00:46:34,542 --> 00:46:37,409
And I think
the Queen will like it, too.
790
00:46:39,171 --> 00:46:40,502
We have them on the ropes.
791
00:46:40,589 --> 00:46:43,047
Good. I love ropes.
792
00:46:43,759 --> 00:46:46,501
You must come over to
dinner sometime, meet the family.
793
00:46:46,679 --> 00:46:46,713
And top news of the day. At
2:45 precisely this afternoon,
794
00:46:46,721 --> 00:46:51,136
And top news of the day. At
2:45 precisely this afternoon,
795
00:46:51,392 --> 00:46:54,100
Sir Simon Swafford,
king of the charts,
796
00:46:54,353 --> 00:46:57,186
marries the prettiest girl
who ever lived.
797
00:46:57,398 --> 00:46:59,981
I just want you to know,
I want to assure listeners
798
00:47:00,067 --> 00:47:02,525
that this doesn't mean that I
have any less love for you.
799
00:47:02,611 --> 00:47:04,101
I'll still be here
every morning.
800
00:47:04,196 --> 00:47:06,984
The only difference will be,
I'll be happy.
801
00:47:07,074 --> 00:47:08,940
(ELENORE PLAYING
802
00:47:23,382 --> 00:47:25,714
Oh, my God.
Here she comes.
803
00:47:26,635 --> 00:47:27,635
Woo-hoo!
- Hello!
804
00:47:30,097 --> 00:47:31,804
Big day-Big day!
805
00:47:37,355 --> 00:47:38,971
I shouldn't look.
806
00:48:17,520 --> 00:48:21,980
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here
in the sight of God, apparently,
807
00:48:22,358 --> 00:48:24,395
which is scary,
808
00:48:24,819 --> 00:48:27,732
to witness the wedding
of this man and this
809
00:48:30,157 --> 00:48:31,613
total goddess.
810
00:48:35,329 --> 00:48:38,492
Jesus Christ alone knows
why she's marrying him.
811
00:48:40,167 --> 00:48:41,623
- Good one.
- But love is,
812
00:48:41,710 --> 00:48:45,169
as the Everly Brothers
so wisely observed, strange.
813
00:48:46,549 --> 00:48:51,168
And the bride is blushing now as
the groom is gazing into her eyes.
814
00:48:51,595 --> 00:48:54,883
You can almost see Cupid fluttering
his wings above their heads.
815
00:48:58,394 --> 00:49:00,431
No, that was a seagull.
816
00:49:01,188 --> 00:49:03,600
Oh, shut up, Nutsford.
817
00:49:03,691 --> 00:49:06,149
Best man,
have you got the rings?
818
00:49:06,318 --> 00:49:07,353
I have.
819
00:49:08,195 --> 00:49:09,195
Thanks, mate.
820
00:49:12,450 --> 00:49:13,940
There you are.
821
00:49:15,870 --> 00:49:17,326
How lovely.
822
00:49:18,789 --> 00:49:23,374
I now declare you
man and stunning wife.
823
00:49:27,840 --> 00:49:28,955
So sweet.
824
00:49:52,781 --> 00:49:57,446
Elenore,
gee, I think you're swell
825
00:49:57,703 --> 00:50:02,869
Aha!
826
00:50:05,044 --> 00:50:06,250
Where's those bridesmaids?
827
00:50:06,795 --> 00:50:10,413
It's Nutty Nutsford here, the
morning after the night before.
828
00:50:13,552 --> 00:50:14,963
Hey.
Hey!
829
00:50:16,639 --> 00:50:18,255
How did it go?
830
00:50:19,016 --> 00:50:20,097
It...
831
00:50:22,895 --> 00:50:25,978
I think it will get better.
You know, it was...
832
00:50:26,482 --> 00:50:27,972
She was tired.
833
00:50:28,776 --> 00:50:32,986
I was a little overexcited, it was... If
I'm honest, it was a bit quick sticks.
834
00:50:33,989 --> 00:50:38,483
But we don't need to blow it all
on one night, do we? Do we?
835
00:50:38,786 --> 00:50:42,700
No. We've all the time
in the world. Round two.
836
00:50:43,040 --> 00:50:44,781
Good luck.
Thanks.
837
00:50:46,794 --> 00:50:48,410
Hew Hey, babe.
838
00:50:49,463 --> 00:50:52,626
Wow. You look
like a unicorn.
839
00:50:54,385 --> 00:50:55,546
In a negligee.
840
00:50:57,846 --> 00:50:59,632
How is Mrs. Swafford
this morning?
841
00:50:59,723 --> 00:51:02,431
Good. Good, very good.
842
00:51:02,810 --> 00:51:04,847
I've brought you some tea.
843
00:51:06,814 --> 00:51:08,054
No?
I don't like tea.
844
00:51:08,148 --> 00:51:09,934
I'll drink it myself.
845
00:51:10,693 --> 00:51:12,730
Simon, I've got some news.
846
00:51:14,363 --> 00:51:16,775
No. Oh, don't tell me...
847
00:51:17,616 --> 00:51:20,233
Oh, you're pregnant already,
aren't you?
848
00:51:20,327 --> 00:51:23,490
I knew this was gonna happen. The
Swaffords have always had strong stuff.
849
00:51:23,581 --> 00:51:25,288
No, it's not that.
850
00:51:28,919 --> 00:51:30,751
Not that I don't
want babies. I do.
851
00:51:30,838 --> 00:51:33,455
I want a dozen. You'll be in
bits by the time I'm done,
852
00:51:33,549 --> 00:51:35,694
but, you know, I thought that
we could have a few more years
853
00:51:35,718 --> 00:51:39,712
of reckless shagging before we
settle into Baby Boulevard.
854
00:51:43,475 --> 00:51:45,182
Simon, I'm so in love.
855
00:51:45,311 --> 00:51:46,311
Mmm.
856
00:51:47,563 --> 00:51:48,644
Of course you are.
857
00:51:51,692 --> 00:51:54,559
Gavin is so fantastic.
858
00:51:54,653 --> 00:51:58,772
Isn't he? Isn't he just? Isn't he
just the greatest, the coolest guy?
859
00:51:58,991 --> 00:52:02,655
Yes, he is. I guess that's
why I'm in love with him.
860
00:52:06,540 --> 00:52:08,518
Koala bear, when you said that
you were in love with him,
861
00:52:08,542 --> 00:52:10,533
there might be a translation.
862
00:52:10,628 --> 00:52:12,414
What do you mean by that?
863
00:52:12,504 --> 00:52:15,212
Well, I...
864
00:52:17,051 --> 00:52:19,759
I met him about a week
before I met you
865
00:52:20,220 --> 00:52:23,133
and I fell in love with him.
866
00:52:24,516 --> 00:52:28,555
But he said the only way that I could
be on the boat was if we got married.
867
00:52:28,646 --> 00:52:31,889
And he wouldn't do that,
for obvious reasons.
868
00:52:33,567 --> 00:52:37,276
So I suggested that I could
just marry another DJ,
869
00:52:37,738 --> 00:52:39,820
and that way I could
still be on the boat.
870
00:52:39,907 --> 00:52:42,023
He said that was a mad idea.
871
00:52:43,744 --> 00:52:45,906
But then I met you.
872
00:52:47,247 --> 00:52:49,488
You know, I saw you sitting
all alone in that pub
873
00:52:49,583 --> 00:52:52,325
and I just leapt
at the opportunity and...
874
00:52:53,212 --> 00:52:56,000
Well, now, here I am.
875
00:52:57,424 --> 00:53:00,962
And if it's okay with you, I'll
be moving in with Gavin tonight.
876
00:53:07,518 --> 00:53:09,259
Oh, thanks for being
so understanding.
877
00:53:10,437 --> 00:53:12,348
But I don't understand.
878
00:53:13,941 --> 00:53:18,435
But I just explained. See, I met
Gavin and we fell in love and...
879
00:53:18,821 --> 00:53:24,442
Uh-huh. No, I get that. I understood all...
I get the ins and outs of it.
880
00:53:26,370 --> 00:53:28,953
What I don't understand is
how you could be so cruel.
881
00:53:30,541 --> 00:53:33,829
I mean, we're just married,
if you read the...
882
00:53:35,295 --> 00:53:36,626
Yesterday.
883
00:53:37,297 --> 00:53:40,756
And we're supposed to spend the
rest of our lives together.
884
00:53:42,469 --> 00:53:47,054
We will, in a way. We will, we will.
It's just...
885
00:53:48,434 --> 00:53:52,052
I'll be having sex with Gavin
instead of you every night, and...
886
00:53:52,146 --> 00:53:53,887
But we'll still be friends.
887
00:53:55,149 --> 00:53:57,060
If you need me,
I'll be right next door.
888
00:53:58,986 --> 00:54:00,101
Okay?
889
00:54:00,446 --> 00:54:01,811
Having sex?
890
00:54:04,324 --> 00:54:06,110
Hopefully, yes.
891
00:54:08,370 --> 00:54:10,031
You might hear us.
892
00:54:10,497 --> 00:54:12,204
That would be nice.
893
00:54:14,501 --> 00:54:17,368
Official sources were today
sad to announce
894
00:54:17,463 --> 00:54:21,331
the separation of Simon
Swafford and his wife, Elenore,
895
00:54:21,675 --> 00:54:24,884
after 17 hours of marriage.
896
00:54:25,596 --> 00:54:29,180
It is understood the split is
due to musical differences.
897
00:54:38,025 --> 00:54:40,187
Well, what do you
have to say, bastard?
898
00:54:40,277 --> 00:54:43,235
Look, come on, be fair.
I didn't ask her to do it.
899
00:54:43,322 --> 00:54:45,780
I said to her it's absolutely
not on and now she's left,
900
00:54:45,866 --> 00:54:48,779
she's gone, she's left the
boat, she's not coming back.
901
00:54:48,869 --> 00:54:50,906
I honestly can't see
what I've done wrong.
902
00:54:52,080 --> 00:54:53,616
What can I say?
903
00:54:55,083 --> 00:54:57,620
It's the dark side
of rock 'n' roll.
904
00:54:58,504 --> 00:54:59,994
Can you tell me one thing?
905
00:55:01,381 --> 00:55:04,840
Before she left this morning,
did you... You didn't...
906
00:55:05,886 --> 00:55:06,921
You know?
907
00:55:15,562 --> 00:55:17,018
Just one little pop.
908
00:55:17,105 --> 00:55:19,142
I thought it was
the least I could do
909
00:55:19,233 --> 00:55:22,396
after all the trouble
the lovely girl had gone to.
910
00:55:23,654 --> 00:55:25,315
Simon, wait.
911
00:55:25,781 --> 00:55:27,146
Can't really blame him, can you?
912
00:55:27,241 --> 00:55:28,902
Yeah, you can.
913
00:55:29,576 --> 00:55:32,409
Mister, you ever heard
of the Vietnam War?
914
00:55:32,955 --> 00:55:33,990
I have.
915
00:55:34,081 --> 00:55:38,416
Well, that holocaust is simply
a playground skirmish
916
00:55:39,419 --> 00:55:41,126
next to what you're
about to experience.
917
00:55:42,965 --> 00:55:44,626
I'm declaring war.
918
00:55:45,926 --> 00:55:49,669
W-A-R. Gonna tear you apart.
919
00:55:50,180 --> 00:55:53,514
My dear listeners, you may have noticed
a certain cooling of the relationship
920
00:55:53,600 --> 00:55:57,514
between His Royal Highness, The Count
of Cool, and a guy called Gavin.
921
00:55:57,604 --> 00:56:01,723
Well, I'm eager to show the
world that he is a coward.
922
00:56:01,817 --> 00:56:04,337
So I'm suggesting something that's
pretty big where I come from,
923
00:56:04,361 --> 00:56:07,228
and it's a game
called "Chicken."
924
00:56:10,450 --> 00:56:14,364
The man who climbs
furthest is the victor.
925
00:56:15,080 --> 00:56:16,946
May the best man win.
926
00:56:17,583 --> 00:56:19,870
And the biggest chicken lose.
927
00:56:20,919 --> 00:56:22,375
Are we ready?
928
00:56:25,632 --> 00:56:27,999
Then let the ascent commence.
929
00:56:28,844 --> 00:56:31,757
Come on, Count.
Come on. Up you go.
930
00:56:35,100 --> 00:56:36,966
Climb for America, sir.
931
00:56:37,853 --> 00:56:39,014
Hope she was worth it.
932
00:56:39,104 --> 00:56:40,435
She definitely was.
933
00:56:41,815 --> 00:56:42,896
Fuck.
934
00:56:44,234 --> 00:56:45,234
Come on, Count.
935
00:56:45,319 --> 00:56:46,559
Come on, Count.
936
00:56:46,653 --> 00:56:48,519
Keep going, come on.
937
00:56:48,614 --> 00:56:49,979
Come on, Count, beat him.
938
00:56:51,116 --> 00:56:52,447
Come on, Count.
939
00:56:52,701 --> 00:56:53,736
Oh, fuck!
940
00:56:54,870 --> 00:56:56,781
Oh, my goodness.
Is he all right?
941
00:56:57,414 --> 00:56:59,155
For God's sake, stop!
Help him!
942
00:57:05,172 --> 00:57:06,253
Okay.
943
00:57:07,090 --> 00:57:08,171
Okay.
944
00:57:09,468 --> 00:57:12,256
It's... It's getting
pretty high now.
945
00:57:15,682 --> 00:57:19,141
I suppose there might be an
argument that it's time for a...
946
00:57:19,227 --> 00:57:21,138
A moment of reflection.
947
00:57:23,357 --> 00:57:26,395
Spoken like a five-star chicken.
948
00:57:29,696 --> 00:57:30,936
What are they doing?
949
00:57:31,031 --> 00:57:32,942
Just trying to help you out.
950
00:57:34,743 --> 00:57:35,743
No!
951
00:57:35,827 --> 00:57:37,943
Come on, guys, don't be stupid.
952
00:57:38,038 --> 00:57:41,030
Enough is enough,
you've proved your point.
953
00:57:43,418 --> 00:57:44,954
Quentin, do something!
954
00:57:45,045 --> 00:57:47,286
All he did was have sex
with someone's wife.
955
00:57:47,381 --> 00:57:49,088
Sorry, Simon.
Nothing personal.
956
00:57:50,217 --> 00:57:52,549
If you fall, you will die.
957
00:57:53,553 --> 00:57:54,918
Oh, my God.
958
00:57:57,391 --> 00:57:59,553
You will die!
959
00:57:59,893 --> 00:58:01,634
Come down now!
960
00:58:13,740 --> 00:58:17,324
This is absolutely ridiculous.
Come down now!
961
00:58:19,705 --> 00:58:21,195
Oh, Christ.
Oh, fuck.
962
00:58:24,418 --> 00:58:27,285
Step away from the edge, you
silly bastards. This is madness.
963
00:58:29,881 --> 00:58:30,881
Oh, my God!
964
00:58:30,924 --> 00:58:32,164
You're nuts!
You're nuts!
965
00:58:32,259 --> 00:58:36,002
L think, at the end of the day,
mast climbing is the winner.
966
00:58:37,431 --> 00:58:39,468
Why am I so fucking fat?
967
00:58:50,736 --> 00:58:52,022
What do you say now?
968
00:58:52,112 --> 00:58:58,529
I say, I know a chicken when I see
one, and I'm looking at one right now.
969
00:59:00,287 --> 00:59:01,743
Adiós, amigo.
970
00:59:05,959 --> 00:59:07,449
Man overboard!
971
00:59:09,463 --> 00:59:10,544
Oh, fuck!
972
00:59:11,673 --> 00:59:13,630
I don't even like Simon!
973
00:59:14,301 --> 00:59:15,336
Crybaby.
974
00:59:15,552 --> 00:59:16,917
Crybaby!
975
00:59:28,148 --> 00:59:29,434
Oh, bollocks.
976
00:59:29,775 --> 00:59:31,311
Whoa!
What are you doing?
977
00:59:35,989 --> 00:59:38,321
Wham bam ba loo bam
wham bam boom.
978
00:59:39,826 --> 00:59:41,316
Tutti-frutti!
979
00:59:43,830 --> 00:59:46,492
Ladies and gentlemen
of Great Britain.
980
00:59:47,501 --> 00:59:49,959
Abraham Lincoln once said,
"It is the measure of a man
981
00:59:50,045 --> 00:59:52,582
"that he can admit
when he's wrong."
982
00:59:54,216 --> 00:59:57,254
And I have been
catastrophically wrong.
983
01:00:06,311 --> 01:00:10,976
I'd also like to take this opportunity
to apologize to a dear friend of mine,
984
01:00:14,653 --> 01:00:15,814
Simon.
985
01:00:21,701 --> 01:00:22,941
Finally,
986
01:00:23,537 --> 01:00:27,531
everything onboard
is gonna be just fine.
987
01:00:28,250 --> 01:00:29,911
(SUNNY AFTERNOON PLAYING
988
01:00:41,096 --> 01:00:41,210
Everyone, this is our last
ball, so please be careful.
989
01:00:41,221 --> 01:00:44,555
Everyone, this is our last
ball, so please be careful.
990
01:00:44,641 --> 01:00:45,756
Kevin, it's your kick-off.
991
01:00:45,851 --> 01:00:47,467
- Go, Kevin!
- Come on, Kevin.
992
01:00:47,561 --> 01:00:48,892
Okay, to your places.
993
01:00:50,564 --> 01:00:52,430
- CARL; Idiot!
- Idiot!
994
01:00:52,524 --> 01:00:54,390
Take his trousers off.
Get him!
995
01:01:00,699 --> 01:01:02,235
I can see your nuts, Nutsford.
996
01:01:08,915 --> 01:01:10,017
Are you sure that
throwing him in
997
01:01:10,041 --> 01:01:11,894
is the best way to get him
to learn how to swim?
998
01:01:11,918 --> 01:01:13,329
Absolutely.
Okay.
999
01:01:18,133 --> 01:01:20,716
You know, although, on second
thought, it might just be for kids.
1000
01:01:20,802 --> 01:01:21,963
I can't touch the bottom.
1001
01:01:22,053 --> 01:01:24,169
Yeah, I think if you
throw in an adult...
1002
01:01:24,264 --> 01:01:25,595
Goodbye, everybody!
1003
01:01:25,682 --> 01:01:26,797
Doesn't work that way.
1004
01:01:26,892 --> 01:01:28,303
Goodbye.
1005
01:01:39,446 --> 01:01:40,902
Deprivation.
1006
01:01:40,989 --> 01:01:43,026
- Yes.
- Yeah.
1007
01:01:43,116 --> 01:01:45,858
Let's do it. Your
Highness, s'il vous plaît.
1008
01:01:45,952 --> 01:01:47,067
Okay.
1009
01:01:47,370 --> 01:01:48,370
Uh...
1010
01:01:49,539 --> 01:01:53,828
I've got you limeys beat. I
have never had a sexual dream
1011
01:01:53,919 --> 01:01:56,126
featuring a member
of the Royal Family.
1012
01:01:57,547 --> 01:02:01,165
Raise your hand if you have
been as equally deprived.
1013
01:02:02,177 --> 01:02:03,884
Princess Margaret.
Princess Margaret.
1014
01:02:03,970 --> 01:02:07,008
Yes! The full six puntos.
1015
01:02:07,140 --> 01:02:08,868
Very crafty. DAVE:
Bit of a weakness as a race.
1016
01:02:08,892 --> 01:02:10,007
Good, good.
Well done, mate.
1017
01:02:10,101 --> 01:02:12,638
Good.
Full house. Felicity.
1018
01:02:13,271 --> 01:02:15,603
I have never had sex with a man.
1019
01:02:17,150 --> 01:02:19,812
Risky one. I didn't think
that was the road to go down.
1020
01:02:21,529 --> 01:02:22,769
Damn it.
Really?
1021
01:02:24,407 --> 01:02:25,738
Damn it.
1022
01:02:25,992 --> 01:02:27,357
Sorry.
1023
01:02:28,495 --> 01:02:32,489
Okay, it was at school,
obviously. Who hasn't, eh?
1024
01:02:33,124 --> 01:02:34,740
- Me.
- All of us.
1025
01:02:34,834 --> 01:02:37,622
Besides you guys, okay.
It was just once.
1026
01:02:37,879 --> 01:02:39,870
And his name was Jackman.
1027
01:02:41,341 --> 01:02:43,252
- Course his name was Jackman.
- Yeah.
1028
01:02:43,510 --> 01:02:46,343
You can laugh. But actually,
he was something of a god.
1029
01:02:46,429 --> 01:02:48,386
- You know, I bet he was.
- In the Upper Fifth.
1030
01:02:48,473 --> 01:02:49,838
- In the Upper Fifth?
- Yes.
1031
01:02:49,933 --> 01:02:51,452
He was a bit of a god in
the Upper Fifth? Yes.
1032
01:02:51,476 --> 01:02:53,092
- Okay.
- Jackman.
1033
01:02:53,186 --> 01:02:54,472
I was curious.
1034
01:02:54,562 --> 01:02:57,600
Sadly, it means you only
get one point.
1035
01:02:57,691 --> 01:02:59,398
- One point.
- One point for Felicity.
1036
01:02:59,484 --> 01:03:00,724
Well done.
1037
01:03:00,819 --> 01:03:03,436
Look at his
doe-eyedness. Okay.
1038
01:03:03,530 --> 01:03:06,272
Mr. Gavin Kavanagh.
1039
01:03:06,366 --> 01:03:08,903
Right, bit of
a strange one, this.
1040
01:03:10,036 --> 01:03:13,620
I've never been
on a date with a girl...
1041
01:03:13,707 --> 01:03:15,072
Wait, wait.
1042
01:03:15,875 --> 01:03:21,245
And, after sex, thought she wouldn't
notice if I let go a little
1043
01:03:23,258 --> 01:03:24,669
bit of wind.
1044
01:03:26,052 --> 01:03:27,213
Did so,
1045
01:03:27,595 --> 01:03:29,836
and realized it wasn't wind...
1046
01:03:31,558 --> 01:03:32,639
It was diarrhea.
1047
01:03:34,185 --> 01:03:38,474
So I've never been in bed
with a girl of my dreams
1048
01:03:38,565 --> 01:03:41,227
with poo all over
the sheets behind me.
1049
01:03:42,068 --> 01:03:43,229
- No.
- Raise your hands
1050
01:03:43,361 --> 01:03:45,978
anyone who has not
done that No way.
1051
01:03:48,408 --> 01:03:50,149
Oh, David!
1052
01:03:51,745 --> 01:03:54,828
You bastard, man!
1053
01:03:55,498 --> 01:03:56,863
I didn't tell anyone.
1054
01:03:56,958 --> 01:03:58,039
You did that?
1055
01:03:58,585 --> 01:04:00,075
Yeah.
1056
01:04:00,253 --> 01:04:01,288
What did you do?
1057
01:04:01,379 --> 01:04:05,338
Well, I told her that my wife
1058
01:04:05,425 --> 01:04:07,917
would be home in five
minutes, so she left.
1059
01:04:08,011 --> 01:04:09,968
So you got away with it.
1060
01:04:10,138 --> 01:04:12,300
It's a gray area, really.
1061
01:04:13,099 --> 01:04:14,134
Tell them.
1062
01:04:14,225 --> 01:04:18,264
The problem being that my
wife then came home and
1063
01:04:19,272 --> 01:04:23,266
I got into quite a lot of
trouble for pooing in the bed.
1064
01:04:24,611 --> 01:04:26,318
At 4:00 in the afternoon.
1065
01:04:30,367 --> 01:04:31,823
Pooper!
1066
01:04:34,954 --> 01:04:36,740
Gorgeous Gavin.
1067
01:04:36,831 --> 01:04:38,947
Oh, yes.
That was beautiful.
1068
01:04:39,042 --> 01:04:41,283
We're back on "pubic" air.
1069
01:04:41,586 --> 01:04:45,420
Radio Rock, 203 meters
on the medium waveband.
1070
01:04:45,757 --> 01:04:46,918
Radio Rock!
1071
01:04:47,008 --> 01:04:51,878
And whatever you do, don't tell Dr.
Dave I told you the infamous poo story.
1072
01:04:51,971 --> 01:04:55,555
It's Gavin here,
and what a year it's been.
1073
01:04:55,642 --> 01:04:59,886
Government plans to undermine
us have failed spectacularly.
1074
01:04:59,979 --> 01:05:04,223
In fact, a recent poll says that at
an election, 93% of British people
1075
01:05:04,317 --> 01:05:07,855
would vote for the pirates
rather than the government.
1076
01:05:08,238 --> 01:05:09,649
This is why.
1077
01:05:11,783 --> 01:05:13,524
I'm very sorry, sir.
1078
01:05:14,035 --> 01:05:15,776
Don't worry, Twatt.
1079
01:05:16,287 --> 01:05:20,622
We may lose the public relations
battle, but we will win the war.
1080
01:05:22,335 --> 01:05:23,996
We shall proceed,
1081
01:05:25,130 --> 01:05:27,121
but just not tell anyone.
1082
01:05:28,425 --> 01:05:32,293
Executions are best done
behind closed doors.
1083
01:05:33,596 --> 01:05:35,553
NOW shut that filth Off!
1084
01:05:41,062 --> 01:05:42,062
It's a boat.
1085
01:05:42,147 --> 01:05:44,138
What the fuck
are you doing here?
1086
01:05:44,232 --> 01:05:46,974
She asked to see
someone called Carl.
1087
01:05:47,068 --> 01:05:48,229
Who asked?
1088
01:05:48,611 --> 01:05:49,897
She did.
1089
01:05:56,953 --> 01:05:58,318
It's her.
1090
01:06:04,502 --> 01:06:06,743
And her.
1091
01:06:07,881 --> 01:06:09,292
You wanna come onboard?
1092
01:06:16,556 --> 01:06:20,424
I'm very sorry about
what I did that night.
1093
01:06:21,227 --> 01:06:22,888
No. No, it's fine.
1094
01:06:23,229 --> 01:06:24,719
I mean, obviously
1095
01:06:25,982 --> 01:06:28,019
who would wanna sleep with me?
1096
01:06:29,235 --> 01:06:30,896
Well, let's see, shall we?
1097
01:06:34,240 --> 01:06:37,449
Um, well, we could,
1098
01:06:39,078 --> 01:06:43,538
you know, play Scrabble,
if you fancy it.
1099
01:06:43,625 --> 01:06:44,831
I hate Scrabble.
Maybe...
1100
01:06:44,918 --> 01:06:47,831
Me, too. Absolutely loathe it.
Hate it.
1101
01:06:49,422 --> 01:06:52,335
Cluedo, on the other hand,
is under...
1102
01:06:56,804 --> 01:06:58,590
Kevin, out.
1103
01:07:06,231 --> 01:07:08,689
Lovely to see you again,
Marianne.
1104
01:07:19,869 --> 01:07:21,701
This is a very small bed.
1105
01:07:21,955 --> 01:07:25,289
Sorry. No, it's fine. Maybe
if we just lie like this.
1106
01:07:40,932 --> 01:07:42,718
Would you like a cup of tea?
1107
01:07:42,809 --> 01:07:45,551
Oh, yes, now that would be
1108
01:07:47,063 --> 01:07:48,269
lovely.
1109
01:07:51,943 --> 01:07:52,943
Cool.
1110
01:07:57,323 --> 01:07:58,484
Lovely.
1111
01:08:16,467 --> 01:08:19,926
Would you like a cup of tea?
1112
01:08:20,888 --> 01:08:22,970
A cup of tea would be lovely.
1113
01:08:34,485 --> 01:08:36,522
And, yes, ladies and
gentlemen of Great Britain,
1114
01:08:36,613 --> 01:08:40,151
Carl has emerged from
the Chamber of Love.
1115
01:08:41,326 --> 01:08:44,569
Carl, say hello to
the 20 million people
1116
01:08:44,662 --> 01:08:46,862
who have been waiting with
bated breath to hear the news
1117
01:08:46,914 --> 01:08:51,078
whether or not you have indeed
misplaced your crucial cherry tonight.
1118
01:08:51,169 --> 01:08:52,169
Come on, guys.
1119
01:08:52,211 --> 01:08:54,543
I think that's a "yes."
ls that a "yes"?
1120
01:08:54,631 --> 01:08:58,716
Remember, the reply, "I don't wanna
answer that question" means “yes."
1121
01:08:59,469 --> 01:09:02,149
Well, I'm certainly not gonna answer
that question, so... Houston...
1122
01:09:04,223 --> 01:09:05,634
we have lift-off.
1123
01:09:07,268 --> 01:09:12,058
Yes, newsflash. A nice young
man has lost his virginity
1124
01:09:12,357 --> 01:09:13,357
in the North Sea.
1125
01:09:13,441 --> 01:09:15,182
More soon
on that breaking story.
1126
01:09:15,276 --> 01:09:16,607
Well done, Carl.
1127
01:09:17,195 --> 01:09:19,857
Morning.
Morning.
1128
01:09:20,114 --> 01:09:21,570
Morning, madam.
1129
01:09:26,245 --> 01:09:30,489
Oh, ladies and gentlemen,
if you could see what I see now.
1130
01:09:30,583 --> 01:09:35,623
They'll be dancing in the street all
over the United Kingdom tonight.
1131
01:09:41,886 --> 01:09:43,968
Carl, well done!
1132
01:09:49,936 --> 01:09:51,597
You will be missed.
1133
01:09:53,272 --> 01:09:55,229
Please come back soon.
1134
01:10:03,950 --> 01:10:03,984
(LITTLE SAINT NICK PLAYING
1135
01:10:03,991 --> 01:10:06,153
(LITTLE SAINT NICK PLAYING
1136
01:10:18,715 --> 01:10:22,709
You're with me, Angus "The Nut" Nutsford.
It's Christmas time. Whoo-hoo!
1137
01:10:23,344 --> 01:10:24,459
Carl.
1138
01:10:25,430 --> 01:10:27,296
I just got a message from shore,
1139
01:10:27,390 --> 01:10:29,882
and your mother is dropping by
to pay us a visit for Christmas.
1140
01:10:29,976 --> 01:10:32,388
You're kidding?
When does she arrive?
1141
01:10:32,478 --> 01:10:35,846
Tomorrow. She was
always very impromptu.
1142
01:10:36,733 --> 01:10:37,768
Was she?
1143
01:10:37,859 --> 01:10:38,974
Oh, yeah.
1144
01:10:39,068 --> 01:10:41,505
Anyway, I thought you might like to
know, in case you want to, you know,
1145
01:10:41,529 --> 01:10:44,897
brush your hair or hide the large stack
of pornography you keep on that shelf.
1146
01:10:50,830 --> 01:10:54,414
Ho, ho, ho!
Merry Christmas from Radio Rock.
1147
01:10:57,670 --> 01:11:01,004
Oh, I hear your mum's
coming onboard? Yeah.
1148
01:11:01,215 --> 01:11:02,250
Yeah, send her my best.
1149
01:11:02,341 --> 01:11:05,879
Tell her Muddy Waters rocks.
Okay.
1150
01:11:10,975 --> 01:11:12,306
She'll know what I mean.
1151
01:11:12,393 --> 01:11:14,179
Yep. Okay.
1152
01:11:14,937 --> 01:11:16,143
Okay.
Okay.
1153
01:11:26,908 --> 01:11:28,114
Ahoy!
1154
01:11:35,958 --> 01:11:37,119
Lovely to see you.
1155
01:11:37,210 --> 01:11:38,575
Christ, what a dump.
1156
01:11:38,669 --> 01:11:40,660
I hoped you'd like it.
I love it.
1157
01:11:40,755 --> 01:11:42,086
This is Dr. Dave.
1158
01:11:42,173 --> 01:11:43,834
You're not
a real doctor, are you?
1159
01:11:44,717 --> 01:11:46,128
And, uh, Gavin Kavanagh.
1160
01:11:46,219 --> 01:11:47,459
Ready for action.
1161
01:11:47,553 --> 01:11:48,553
I bet you are.
1162
01:11:48,596 --> 01:11:50,507
Well, if you'd
come through here.
1163
01:11:54,352 --> 01:11:57,094
Hey, right on, brother. That's
some hot mummy you got there.
1164
01:11:58,314 --> 01:12:00,271
Give her one from me.
1165
01:12:11,035 --> 01:12:12,901
Good luck, my friend.
1166
01:12:13,371 --> 01:12:14,657
Thanks.
1167
01:12:24,465 --> 01:12:25,546
Mum,
1168
01:12:27,260 --> 01:12:30,218
I hate to be abrupt. Can I ask
you a very serious question?
1169
01:12:31,138 --> 01:12:34,221
It's moving.
Yes, darling, I'm listening.
1170
01:12:36,894 --> 01:12:38,476
Is Quentin
1171
01:12:42,441 --> 01:12:43,772
my father?
1172
01:12:47,822 --> 01:12:49,483
I beg your pardon?
1173
01:12:50,408 --> 01:12:51,898
You heard me.
1174
01:12:51,993 --> 01:12:53,404
Is Quentin my dad?
1175
01:12:57,707 --> 01:12:58,742
No.
1176
01:12:59,959 --> 01:13:02,621
No. He isn't.
1177
01:13:03,629 --> 01:13:04,960
No?
No.
1178
01:13:06,674 --> 01:13:07,789
Cool.
1179
01:13:08,593 --> 01:13:10,083
It was just...
1180
01:13:11,804 --> 01:13:15,468
I was just thinking how great
it would be to have a father.
1181
01:13:19,145 --> 01:13:21,307
I'd really like one of those.
1182
01:13:24,650 --> 01:13:25,731
Mmm.
1183
01:13:27,403 --> 01:13:28,859
How long are you here for?
1184
01:13:28,946 --> 01:13:32,189
Oh, only Boxing Day.
Leaving in the morning.
1185
01:13:33,284 --> 01:13:36,777
Now this is very good cognac.
1186
01:13:36,871 --> 01:13:38,987
It is 10215.
1187
01:13:39,665 --> 01:13:40,871
Perfect.
1188
01:13:43,711 --> 01:13:47,079
Here we go.
Now, I'd like to raise a glass
1189
01:13:47,173 --> 01:13:49,084
- to Carl's mother.
- Oh, yeah.
1190
01:13:49,175 --> 01:13:52,293
Wonderful Charlotte, it was
1191
01:13:53,346 --> 01:13:55,838
a shag well shagged
1192
01:13:55,932 --> 01:13:57,548
the night you made
this little fella.
1193
01:13:57,642 --> 01:13:59,303
Definitely, definitely.
1194
01:13:59,393 --> 01:14:01,475
I couldn't have put it
better myself.
1195
01:14:01,562 --> 01:14:05,476
Now, when he came aboard,
I'm sure it's all agreed
1196
01:14:05,566 --> 01:14:08,934
that we thought he was a
bit of a posh tosser.
1197
01:14:09,028 --> 01:14:10,547
- I didn't like him.
- He seemed unpleasant.
1198
01:14:10,571 --> 01:14:14,986
Me neither. You know what?
He is now one of us.
1199
01:14:15,076 --> 01:14:16,987
Yes, he is!
1200
01:14:17,870 --> 01:14:19,611
We would like him
1201
01:14:20,706 --> 01:14:23,118
- to stay forever.
- Forever.
1202
01:14:23,209 --> 01:14:25,621
And just to finish off, Kev.
1203
01:14:26,921 --> 01:14:30,710
Bless you, rabbits are
Easter, not Christmas.
1204
01:14:30,800 --> 01:14:33,713
That's why they call it
the Easter Bunny.
1205
01:14:34,011 --> 01:14:35,172
Oh, right.
1206
01:14:37,181 --> 01:14:39,639
- I am seriously thick, aren't I?
- You are.
1207
01:14:39,725 --> 01:14:41,636
- Thick Kevin!
- To Thick Kevin!
1208
01:14:41,727 --> 01:14:43,764
You're the thickest!
1209
01:14:43,854 --> 01:14:46,437
- All right, jokes.
- Jokes, jokes, jokes!
1210
01:14:46,524 --> 01:14:49,391
What is the largest
living mammal on Earth?
1211
01:14:49,902 --> 01:14:52,735
I don't know. ALL: What is
the largest living mammal on Earth?
1212
01:14:52,822 --> 01:14:56,690
The blue whale!
Weighing over 150 tons.
1213
01:14:56,993 --> 01:15:01,078
These are facts. These are the fact ones.
They're not jokes.
1214
01:15:01,163 --> 01:15:02,619
Have we all got facts?
1215
01:15:16,679 --> 01:15:17,794
Oh.
1216
01:15:18,764 --> 01:15:19,970
Darling,
1217
01:15:20,850 --> 01:15:22,682
I think you might have a joke.
1218
01:15:25,563 --> 01:15:26,803
Ah.
1219
01:15:29,567 --> 01:15:31,274
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
1220
01:15:32,236 --> 01:15:33,317
Yes, it's funny.
1221
01:15:41,746 --> 01:15:43,828
Would you like a mince pie?
1222
01:15:46,459 --> 01:15:48,416
Yes, I would.
Thank you.
1223
01:15:52,965 --> 01:15:56,083
Shall we have another go
at the thing?
1224
01:15:57,303 --> 01:15:59,965
Cracker, sir?
Yes, the cracker thing.
1225
01:16:02,058 --> 01:16:03,219
Right.
1226
01:16:10,858 --> 01:16:12,778
Well, that's quite enough
excitement for one day.
1227
01:16:20,326 --> 01:16:22,067
Well, goodbye, Mum.
1228
01:16:24,538 --> 01:16:28,497
Oh, by the way,
our late-night DJ Bob
1229
01:16:28,959 --> 01:16:31,997
sent you a message, which is,
1230
01:16:32,838 --> 01:16:34,829
"Muddy Waters rocks."
1231
01:16:35,966 --> 01:16:39,254
Oh, my God. He didn't
tell you, did he?
1232
01:16:39,512 --> 01:16:40,718
What?
1233
01:16:41,180 --> 01:16:43,342
What? What do you mean, "What?"
1234
01:16:43,432 --> 01:16:45,160
What do you mean, "Oh, my
God, he didn't tell you?"
1235
01:16:45,184 --> 01:16:48,176
Nothing, darling. No,
Mum, it's not nothing.
1236
01:16:49,522 --> 01:16:50,887
Oh, Mum.
1237
01:16:52,024 --> 01:16:53,435
Really?
What?
1238
01:16:53,526 --> 01:16:55,126
Please tell me you
didn't sleep with him?
1239
01:16:55,194 --> 01:16:56,275
Of course I slept with him.
1240
01:16:56,362 --> 01:16:58,840
Everybody slept with him. He was
absolutely gorgeous in those days.
1241
01:16:58,864 --> 01:17:01,572
Hold on a second. We can't be
talking about the same Bob?
1242
01:17:01,659 --> 01:17:05,197
This is the late-night DJ here?
The beast with the beard?
1243
01:17:05,830 --> 01:17:07,446
Well, he was indeed a beast.
1244
01:17:07,540 --> 01:17:11,078
But at that time, as far as I can
recall, he was clean-shaven.
1245
01:17:11,377 --> 01:17:13,288
When? When did you
sleep with Bob?
1246
01:17:13,379 --> 01:17:15,290
For heaven's sake,
will you stop badgering me?
1247
01:17:15,381 --> 01:17:16,871
I don't know when.
1248
01:17:25,516 --> 01:17:27,098
How old are you?
1249
01:17:29,603 --> 01:17:31,310
Eighteen and a half.
1250
01:17:31,397 --> 01:17:33,513
Well, then it must have been
1251
01:17:33,607 --> 01:17:35,564
19 and a quarter
years ago, then.
1252
01:17:37,111 --> 01:17:38,567
Give or take.
1253
01:17:39,029 --> 01:17:41,145
Anyway, better go.
1254
01:17:41,240 --> 01:17:42,901
That poor man's been
waiting forever.
1255
01:17:42,992 --> 01:17:44,761
I'm so glad we've got that
old chestnut out of the way,
1256
01:17:44,785 --> 01:17:46,025
aren't you?
1257
01:17:48,706 --> 01:17:50,071
Bye-bye, darling.
1258
01:17:50,624 --> 01:17:55,744
Oh, oh, and tell Mark, you know,
that it was a lovely, lovely night.
1259
01:17:56,422 --> 01:17:57,537
No!
1260
01:18:00,009 --> 01:18:01,009
No!
1261
01:18:42,384 --> 01:18:43,465
Bob.
1262
01:18:45,429 --> 01:18:46,510
Dude?
1263
01:18:47,181 --> 01:18:49,388
I think I've got some
pretty big news for you.
1264
01:18:49,600 --> 01:18:50,635
Cool.
1265
01:18:51,477 --> 01:18:54,219
I'm in a pretty loose mood.
I think I can handle it.
1266
01:18:56,148 --> 01:18:58,765
I think... I think...
1267
01:19:00,194 --> 01:19:05,485
I'm pretty sure that
you are, um, as it were,
1268
01:19:06,659 --> 01:19:07,865
technically speaking,
1269
01:19:10,663 --> 01:19:11,824
my dad.
1270
01:19:15,459 --> 01:19:18,076
You're the man I've been
1271
01:19:18,170 --> 01:19:21,458
missing and waiting for and
1272
01:19:23,217 --> 01:19:25,675
searching for all my life.
1273
01:19:31,141 --> 01:19:32,506
Cool.
1274
01:19:36,939 --> 01:19:39,226
That's it?
That's your reaction?
1275
01:19:40,734 --> 01:19:43,726
Just give me a minute.
1276
01:19:46,532 --> 01:19:49,274
Dusty Springfield there on the
Dawn Treader, with quite possibly
1277
01:19:49,368 --> 01:19:51,655
the finest white
soul voice in the world.
1278
01:19:51,745 --> 01:19:56,205
And this is a young man who's really
quite good at playing the guitar.
1279
01:19:57,793 --> 01:20:00,000
(THE WIND CRIES MARY PLAYING
1280
01:20:03,465 --> 01:20:04,546
Jimi.
1281
01:20:11,307 --> 01:20:12,388
So...
1282
01:20:19,565 --> 01:20:21,226
Morning, hepcats.
1283
01:20:21,900 --> 01:20:22,935
Hey-
1284
01:20:24,278 --> 01:20:25,313
Hi.
1285
01:20:26,572 --> 01:20:27,903
What's new?
1286
01:20:29,074 --> 01:20:30,280
Nothing.
1287
01:20:31,785 --> 01:20:33,025
Nothing.
1288
01:20:48,802 --> 01:20:49,883
Yes.
1289
01:20:51,472 --> 01:20:54,715
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
1290
01:20:55,851 --> 01:20:57,637
And yes.
1291
01:21:12,034 --> 01:21:13,570
Good evening, sir.
Hello.
1292
01:21:14,620 --> 01:21:15,951
Just sign it, sir.
1293
01:21:16,038 --> 01:21:20,032
And in three days, our heroic disc
jockeys become dangerous criminals.
1294
01:21:20,417 --> 01:21:21,703
Well done, Twatt.
1295
01:21:22,920 --> 01:21:24,957
That is my kind of
Christmas present.
1296
01:21:25,464 --> 01:21:26,464
Thank you, sir.
1297
01:21:31,178 --> 01:21:33,715
Right.
Pirate radio abolished.
1298
01:21:34,264 --> 01:21:35,550
A show of hands.
1299
01:21:40,646 --> 01:21:42,262
Good, moving on.
1300
01:21:42,815 --> 01:21:45,807
Now, we have to make up
our minds on...
1301
01:21:51,573 --> 01:21:53,234
In the House of Commons today,
1302
01:21:53,325 --> 01:21:57,489
the new Marine Offences Act
was passed unanimously.
1303
01:21:57,621 --> 01:22:00,238
From midnight on New Year's Eve,
1304
01:22:00,332 --> 01:22:04,576
all pirate radio stations,
including, of course, Radio Rock,
1305
01:22:04,670 --> 01:22:06,581
will be breaking the law.
1306
01:22:07,005 --> 01:22:11,249
Everyone who works on them, and
indeed everyone who listens to them,
1307
01:22:11,343 --> 01:22:15,837
will be in contravention of the new
law and risk prison sentences,
1308
01:22:15,931 --> 01:22:18,548
both short and long.
1309
01:22:19,309 --> 01:22:20,390
Carl.
1310
01:22:22,187 --> 01:22:23,222
You okay?
1311
01:22:24,273 --> 01:22:25,729
Yeah, just...
1312
01:22:26,859 --> 01:22:30,318
A few months ago,
I made a terrible mistake.
1313
01:22:31,905 --> 01:22:33,441
Really?
Yeah.
1314
01:22:34,450 --> 01:22:36,407
'Cause I realized something.
1315
01:22:37,536 --> 01:22:40,745
And instead of crushing the
thought the moment it came, I...
1316
01:22:41,999 --> 01:22:43,660
I let it hang on and...
1317
01:22:46,086 --> 01:22:47,793
Now I know it to be true.
1318
01:22:49,590 --> 01:22:52,548
And I'm afraid it's stuck
in my head forever.
1319
01:22:53,051 --> 01:22:54,291
What was the thought?
1320
01:22:59,892 --> 01:23:02,179
That these are the best
days of our lives.
1321
01:23:07,149 --> 01:23:11,017
It's a terrible thing
to know, but I know it.
1322
01:23:12,905 --> 01:23:14,395
I don't know about that.
1323
01:23:14,656 --> 01:23:15,771
Oh!
1324
01:23:15,991 --> 01:23:19,029
Well, yeah. Yeah.
1325
01:23:21,038 --> 01:23:22,244
Maybe you'll be lucky.
1326
01:23:22,331 --> 01:23:26,199
Maybe you'll... You'll have
better days, but I doubt it.
1327
01:23:27,211 --> 01:23:29,623
We stood on top of
the mountain, compadre.
1328
01:23:30,130 --> 01:23:32,462
And it's a long way
doobie-doobie down.
1329
01:23:41,266 --> 01:23:42,756
The day has come.
1330
01:23:43,310 --> 01:23:47,599
Tonight, pirate radio dies.
1331
01:23:49,066 --> 01:23:52,684
From midnight,
we are a ghost ship
1332
01:23:52,778 --> 01:23:56,897
floating without hope
on cold, dark waters.
1333
01:23:57,950 --> 01:24:02,239
You have done
almighty work here.
1334
01:24:04,248 --> 01:24:05,454
Thank you.
1335
01:24:06,875 --> 01:24:08,331
But your work
1336
01:24:10,420 --> 01:24:11,626
is done.
1337
01:24:16,468 --> 01:24:17,674
Not mine, sir.
1338
01:24:18,804 --> 01:24:21,967
I'm an American citizen, and I
don't give a hootenanny God damn
1339
01:24:22,057 --> 01:24:25,049
about your
nit-picking limey laws.
1340
01:24:25,435 --> 01:24:27,676
I intend to broadcast from
this ship 24 hours a day
1341
01:24:27,771 --> 01:24:29,057
until the day I die.
1342
01:24:31,275 --> 01:24:33,607
And then for a couple
days after that.
1343
01:24:35,153 --> 01:24:38,646
Not wanting to
sound rude or anything,
1344
01:24:41,034 --> 01:24:43,321
but don't you think that
might be an ever so slightly
1345
01:24:43,412 --> 01:24:46,029
monotonous experience
for the listener?
1346
01:24:49,668 --> 01:24:52,501
What do you say to 12
hours each, noble sir?
1347
01:24:54,756 --> 01:24:56,121
The way I look at it,
1348
01:24:57,009 --> 01:24:58,920
the world couldn't survive
without my comedy.
1349
01:24:59,011 --> 01:25:01,002
And who's going to
have the moral backbone
1350
01:25:01,096 --> 01:25:02,837
to play The Seekers
when the mood is right?
1351
01:25:02,973 --> 01:25:04,384
They've split up.
1352
01:25:06,184 --> 01:25:07,720
I intend to celebrate
the back catalog.
1353
01:25:14,026 --> 01:25:16,188
I intend to stop you doing so.
1354
01:25:27,331 --> 01:25:33,122
As some of you know, my wife left
me after 17 hours of marriage,
1355
01:25:33,253 --> 01:25:36,621
but I survived that because I...
I live for music.
1356
01:25:37,841 --> 01:25:39,360
And now, with
nothing else to live for,
1357
01:25:39,384 --> 01:25:41,250
I'm willing to
die for it as well.
1358
01:25:47,392 --> 01:25:49,804
I've always lived
for news and weather.
1359
01:25:50,812 --> 01:25:52,268
Happy to die for them, too.
1360
01:25:54,107 --> 01:25:55,518
Especially the weather.
1361
01:25:59,863 --> 01:26:00,898
Um...
1362
01:26:02,407 --> 01:26:05,866
I've got nowhere else to go.
1363
01:26:08,705 --> 01:26:12,744
I have somewhere else to
go, but it's Peckham.
1364
01:26:15,587 --> 01:26:17,294
So I think I'll stick around.
1365
01:26:20,759 --> 01:26:22,295
Can't let everyone starve.
1366
01:26:23,303 --> 01:26:27,763
And I'm slightly worried where my
increasingly powerful sexuality will take me
1367
01:26:27,849 --> 01:26:29,590
when I return to normal life.
1368
01:26:29,685 --> 01:26:32,427
I've got a very strong suspicion
that Felicity fancies me.
1369
01:26:34,523 --> 01:26:36,981
Not about to go anywhere,
1370
01:26:37,067 --> 01:26:38,774
just when I'm in with a chance.
1371
01:26:40,737 --> 01:26:42,102
Obviously, I'm in.
1372
01:26:43,281 --> 01:26:45,613
You're the only people in
the world who like me.
1373
01:26:51,373 --> 01:26:54,536
Thank you, gentlemen, lady.
1374
01:26:56,628 --> 01:26:59,586
Strange bearded thing.
1375
01:27:02,134 --> 01:27:05,923
But make no mistake,
they will come after us.
1376
01:27:08,140 --> 01:27:09,346
Let them try.
1377
01:27:24,114 --> 01:27:26,321
COUNT So, faithful followers,
1378
01:27:27,200 --> 01:27:28,816
the end is nigh.
1379
01:27:29,995 --> 01:27:34,034
We bid you farewell
with dignity and pride.
1380
01:27:34,541 --> 01:27:36,202
We thought we'd never die.
1381
01:27:36,334 --> 01:27:39,497
But, well,
we can't fight city hall.
1382
01:27:40,213 --> 01:27:43,797
And so, take care, be good.
1383
01:27:44,342 --> 01:27:46,674
Listen to the music.
It's a good thing to do.
1384
01:27:48,513 --> 01:27:53,178
It's The Count, counting down
and out for the count at last.
1385
01:27:54,144 --> 01:27:57,853
Three, two, one...
1386
01:27:58,565 --> 01:28:00,272
And the rest is silence.
1387
01:28:10,035 --> 01:28:11,070
Well done.
1388
01:28:11,161 --> 01:28:12,555
Thank you, darling.
Thank you, darling.
1389
01:28:12,579 --> 01:28:13,694
Good show, Dominic.
1390
01:28:14,539 --> 01:28:16,530
Well done, Twatt.
Thank you, sir.
1391
01:28:16,666 --> 01:28:18,248
The Queen.
Her Majesty's government.
1392
01:28:18,335 --> 01:28:19,541
The Queen.
1393
01:28:20,086 --> 01:28:21,668
Only kidding, dudes.
1394
01:28:21,755 --> 01:28:22,870
Let's rock!
1395
01:28:25,383 --> 01:28:27,590
(MY GENERATION PLAYING
1396
01:28:31,473 --> 01:28:35,512
Arse! Arse!
Twatt! Arse!
1397
01:29:21,690 --> 01:29:23,101
Here he is.
1398
01:29:23,191 --> 01:29:24,932
All right, we had a good night.
1399
01:29:25,318 --> 01:29:29,357
But that thing you see shining through
the window is the cold light of dawn.
1400
01:29:29,447 --> 01:29:30,758
And I don't want
you all to imagine
1401
01:29:30,782 --> 01:29:32,272
that they won't
be coming after us
1402
01:29:32,367 --> 01:29:33,857
with the full force of the law
1403
01:29:33,952 --> 01:29:36,614
to crush our testicles
like grapes.
1404
01:29:36,997 --> 01:29:39,455
But don't despair completely,
because I'm glad to tell you,
1405
01:29:39,541 --> 01:29:42,454
I've come up with quite
a clever little plan.
1406
01:29:42,669 --> 01:29:43,669
You legend.
1407
01:29:43,753 --> 01:29:45,118
All hands on deck, eh.
1408
01:29:45,213 --> 01:29:47,204
Our leader.
I just hope it works.
1409
01:29:47,299 --> 01:29:48,414
Of course it'll work.
1410
01:29:52,012 --> 01:29:53,252
Good night, Miss C.
1411
01:29:53,597 --> 01:29:54,962
Good night, sir.
1412
01:29:56,600 --> 01:29:59,683
D-Day for Radio Rock at last.
1413
01:29:59,769 --> 01:30:00,930
Indeed, sir.
1414
01:30:01,021 --> 01:30:02,932
That's D for death.
1415
01:30:03,023 --> 01:30:05,139
Since they're not ready
to go willingly,
1416
01:30:05,525 --> 01:30:08,358
I'm afraid "very nasty"
is our only option.
1417
01:30:25,670 --> 01:30:26,785
Move! Move! Move! Move!
1418
01:30:26,880 --> 01:30:28,120
POLICEMAN 21 Get out!
1419
01:30:37,015 --> 01:30:38,597
Found anything?
Yes, sir.
1420
01:30:38,683 --> 01:30:40,014
What? What have you found?
1421
01:30:40,143 --> 01:30:42,100
Well, fish, sir.
1422
01:30:42,187 --> 01:30:43,393
I beg your pardon?
1423
01:30:43,480 --> 01:30:45,346
Mainly fish.
1424
01:30:52,948 --> 01:30:54,359
Can I help you, Officer?
1425
01:30:54,449 --> 01:30:55,985
You certainly can, yes.
1426
01:30:56,701 --> 01:30:59,489
What the hell are you doing here?
Fishing, sir.
1427
01:30:59,579 --> 01:31:01,695
I mean, what are you doing here?
1428
01:31:02,123 --> 01:31:06,412
Here, where the Radio Rock ship always
is and always has been anchored.
1429
01:31:06,503 --> 01:31:08,119
Can't say it rings a bell, sir.
1430
01:31:08,213 --> 01:31:09,544
What kind of boat is she?
1431
01:31:09,714 --> 01:31:12,126
Lobster, cod, tuna?
1432
01:31:12,217 --> 01:31:15,050
Oh, shut the fuck up!
1433
01:31:15,303 --> 01:31:18,716
This is obviously a trick
and she's scarpered.
1434
01:31:19,057 --> 01:31:21,344
Now don't you get cocky,
Captain Bird's Eye.
1435
01:31:21,434 --> 01:31:24,301
We are going to find these
bastards, and when we do,
1436
01:31:24,396 --> 01:31:26,888
we are going to smash them!
1437
01:31:31,403 --> 01:31:35,271
Everybody out! We've got
the wrong damn boat!
1438
01:31:53,925 --> 01:31:56,383
Ladies and
gentlemen, we are on the move.
1439
01:31:56,469 --> 01:31:59,632
If they want to stop us, they
are going to have to find us.
1440
01:31:59,723 --> 01:32:03,432
This is Radio Rock
in motion, on the ocean.
1441
01:32:04,853 --> 01:32:07,766
We should have
set sail years ago.
1442
01:32:13,945 --> 01:32:17,313
You're a very clever man.
This is a very good plan.
1443
01:32:19,159 --> 01:32:20,991
What the fuck was that?
1444
01:32:26,291 --> 01:32:27,811
Pardon my French,
ladies and gentlemen.
1445
01:32:27,876 --> 01:32:29,596
We've got a small hiccup
onboard Radio Rock.
1446
01:32:29,669 --> 01:32:32,161
I now return you
to The Small Faces.
1447
01:32:40,680 --> 01:32:45,174
Gentlemen, I have some good
news and some bad news.
1448
01:32:45,268 --> 01:32:46,268
Which would you prefer?
1449
01:32:46,352 --> 01:32:48,218
The good news. Let's
have a bit of good news.
1450
01:32:48,313 --> 01:32:49,394
Good news.
1451
01:32:50,023 --> 01:32:51,513
Good news.
Okay.
1452
01:32:51,608 --> 01:32:56,102
The good news is the engine has
exploded and we're all going to die.
1453
01:32:56,237 --> 01:32:58,148
Right. Great.
Perfect.
1454
01:32:58,239 --> 01:32:59,354
- Is he joking?
- Hello.
1455
01:32:59,449 --> 01:33:03,238
Dr. Dave, Radio Rock.
Um... How...
1456
01:33:03,328 --> 01:33:04,363
How's that good news?
1457
01:33:04,454 --> 01:33:08,823
I haven't yet told you how we're
going to die. That's the bad news.
1458
01:33:09,000 --> 01:33:10,115
How are we gonna die?
1459
01:33:10,210 --> 01:33:12,952
We're going to drown in the
freezing waters of the North Sea.
1460
01:33:13,046 --> 01:33:15,003
Shit.
1461
01:33:15,090 --> 01:33:16,125
Dearie me.
1462
01:33:16,216 --> 01:33:17,651
Actually, that's quite
good for you, isn't it?
1463
01:33:17,675 --> 01:33:22,010
Because you can't swim,
so you'll die quicker.
1464
01:33:22,514 --> 01:33:25,927
Apparently, there is a huge
hole in the side of the boat,
1465
01:33:26,017 --> 01:33:27,553
and in an unfortunate
development,
1466
01:33:27,644 --> 01:33:30,011
it transpires that
the lifeboats are useless.
1467
01:33:32,524 --> 01:33:33,685
Sorry.
1468
01:33:34,192 --> 01:33:35,192
Oh, dear.
1469
01:33:42,617 --> 01:33:45,325
All right. All right.
All right. All right.
1470
01:33:45,411 --> 01:33:47,197
I'm going to the studio.
1471
01:33:47,705 --> 01:33:48,724
This isn't going to happen.
1472
01:33:48,748 --> 01:33:51,115
A Radio Rock
newsflash with John Mayford.
1473
01:33:51,209 --> 01:33:54,122
News coming in that
the famous Radio Rock
1474
01:33:54,212 --> 01:33:59,298
has a large hole in its side and is
therefore sinking into the North Sea.
1475
01:34:00,927 --> 01:34:02,338
Really quite fast.
1476
01:34:03,763 --> 01:34:07,222
So, a tiny crisis here.
1477
01:34:11,479 --> 01:34:15,143
So, if any of you out there
knows anyone in Suffolk
1478
01:34:15,233 --> 01:34:18,646
with a boat of any shape
or form, give them a ring.
1479
01:34:18,736 --> 01:34:23,731
Our coordinates
are 53-17 north...
1480
01:34:28,371 --> 01:34:29,532
Sorry.
1481
01:34:32,083 --> 01:34:33,414
2-15 east.
1482
01:34:34,919 --> 01:34:36,751
Here's a rather long record.
1483
01:34:39,924 --> 01:34:41,790
I hope I'm here
at the end of it.
1484
01:35:37,065 --> 01:35:41,559
Ah, I'm not sure we're in the
right place at the right time.
1485
01:35:53,289 --> 01:35:54,745
You all right?
1486
01:35:54,832 --> 01:35:56,448
You're going the
wrong way, mate.
1487
01:35:56,542 --> 01:35:58,158
I'm really scared.
1488
01:35:58,253 --> 01:36:00,085
Isn't anyone else really scared?
1489
01:36:00,213 --> 01:36:02,204
A bit. Up you go.
1490
01:36:04,634 --> 01:36:06,625
Foreigners. No backbone.
1491
01:36:28,491 --> 01:36:29,491
Yes?
1492
01:36:29,575 --> 01:36:31,816
I'm sorry to have to
disturb you this late, sir...
1493
01:36:31,911 --> 01:36:33,743
What do you want,
for heaven's sake?
1494
01:36:33,830 --> 01:36:36,447
It really is getting
quite serious now, sir.
1495
01:36:36,541 --> 01:36:40,034
I'm asking permission to send
our boats back to pick them up.
1496
01:36:40,128 --> 01:36:41,664
Absolutely not.
1497
01:36:41,879 --> 01:36:45,417
I absolutely could not justify
the extra expenditure
1498
01:36:46,050 --> 01:36:47,791
when there are
so many other problems
1499
01:36:47,885 --> 01:36:49,876
we need money
for as a government,
1500
01:36:49,971 --> 01:36:51,757
both home and abroad.
1501
01:36:51,931 --> 01:36:53,888
They might die, sir.
1502
01:36:53,975 --> 01:36:55,255
Happens to
the best of us, Twatt.
1503
01:36:55,935 --> 01:36:57,846
Happens to the very best of us.
1504
01:36:59,397 --> 01:37:00,478
Mighty-night.
1505
01:37:13,911 --> 01:37:15,743
Ah, Simon, have you got a...
Yeah, okay.
1506
01:37:16,205 --> 01:37:18,116
Mark, well done. Come in.
1507
01:37:18,207 --> 01:37:20,539
And in those trousers.
Not bad.
1508
01:37:22,420 --> 01:37:23,455
Thank you, John.
1509
01:37:23,546 --> 01:37:25,503
So, we'll be safe here
for a while.
1510
01:37:25,590 --> 01:37:30,130
The captain thinks we've got till
dawn before we go the full Titanic-
1511
01:37:30,261 --> 01:37:33,094
We've sent out
an official distress call.
1512
01:37:33,181 --> 01:37:34,888
And I'm sure someone
will rescue us soon.
1513
01:37:42,607 --> 01:37:43,768
Really?
1514
01:37:44,942 --> 01:37:46,432
- Really.
- We're all right.
1515
01:37:47,153 --> 01:37:49,064
Can I just say something, then?
1516
01:37:50,114 --> 01:37:52,446
I know I'm not the most
popular guy on the boat.
1517
01:37:52,617 --> 01:37:54,028
On the radio I'm fine.
1518
01:37:54,118 --> 01:37:58,783
In the flesh, there's something that
people just don't warm to. I know.
1519
01:37:58,873 --> 01:38:01,956
But I just wanna say,
the three years here,
1520
01:38:02,043 --> 01:38:04,034
I've been closer to
finding friendship
1521
01:38:04,128 --> 01:38:05,744
than I've ever been in my life.
1522
01:38:05,838 --> 01:38:07,795
And I'd rather
have had that and die
1523
01:38:07,882 --> 01:38:10,374
than not have had it
and lived. I think.
1524
01:38:11,928 --> 01:38:13,168
Maybe not.
1525
01:38:13,304 --> 01:38:15,796
No, actually. I just...
Ang. Ang, come on.
1526
01:38:15,890 --> 01:38:17,972
You're being ridiculous.
Well...
1527
01:38:18,059 --> 01:38:19,411
Look, this isn't...
I'm not popular.
1528
01:38:19,435 --> 01:38:23,520
No, that's... Every group
needs a fall guy, Angy,
1529
01:38:23,606 --> 01:38:25,446
and yeah, sure, you've
been it. But it's not...
1530
01:38:25,483 --> 01:38:27,565
It's just been a joke.
You know?
1531
01:38:27,652 --> 01:38:32,567
I mean, look here, everybody
who actually loves this nut,
1532
01:38:32,657 --> 01:38:33,897
raise their hands.
1533
01:38:35,368 --> 01:38:36,449
- See?
- Ah!
1534
01:38:36,536 --> 01:38:38,072
- There we go.
- Okay.
1535
01:38:39,163 --> 01:38:40,244
David?
1536
01:38:41,165 --> 01:38:42,371
Be honest.
1537
01:38:47,171 --> 01:38:49,082
Ah, one.
Oh, okay.
1538
01:38:53,428 --> 01:38:54,668
Come on.
1539
01:38:54,804 --> 01:38:56,386
Wait a minute.
Where's Bob?
1540
01:38:58,099 --> 01:38:59,589
Where's my dad?
1541
01:39:04,981 --> 01:39:07,188
We'll wait another minute.
So who's broadcasting?
1542
01:39:07,275 --> 01:39:08,356
No one.
1543
01:39:08,443 --> 01:39:14,029
203 meters on the medium waveband
is silent for the first time.
1544
01:39:16,284 --> 01:39:21,074
Oh, excuse my language,
but fuck that sideways, sir.
1545
01:39:21,247 --> 01:39:23,284
Harold, after you.
1546
01:39:39,474 --> 01:39:40,555
Bob!
1547
01:39:42,518 --> 01:39:43,679
Bob!
1548
01:39:44,729 --> 01:39:45,729
Dad?
1549
01:39:45,813 --> 01:39:47,178
Easy. Easy.
1550
01:39:47,273 --> 01:39:49,765
Just listening to a new track
by the Grateful Dead.
1551
01:39:49,859 --> 01:39:51,315
No. I'm gonna have to
stop you.
1552
01:39:51,402 --> 01:39:53,484
Hey, don't do that.
Don't do that.
1553
01:39:53,571 --> 01:39:55,187
That's a bit of
a space invasion, man.
1554
01:39:55,281 --> 01:39:57,693
Well, the thing is, Bob,
the boat is actually sinking,
1555
01:39:57,783 --> 01:40:00,616
and if you listen to the end
of this track, you will die.
1556
01:40:16,802 --> 01:40:18,088
Let's go.
1557
01:40:24,268 --> 01:40:25,633
Mind the hole.
1558
01:40:32,276 --> 01:40:33,732
Oh, no.
1559
01:41:57,695 --> 01:41:58,810
Thanks, man.
1560
01:41:59,322 --> 01:42:00,357
You're welcome.
1561
01:42:02,158 --> 01:42:03,899
Here. Hang on to me.
1562
01:42:03,993 --> 01:42:05,028
What are you doing here?
1563
01:42:05,161 --> 01:42:07,014
I was feeling guilty about
sleeping with your girlfriend
1564
01:42:07,038 --> 01:42:09,200
twice in a night. Three
times if you count a...
1565
01:42:09,290 --> 01:42:10,701
Hey, Bob.
Hey.
1566
01:42:10,875 --> 01:42:12,411
Oh, dear.
1567
01:42:12,585 --> 01:42:14,246
That is not a good record.
1568
01:42:14,378 --> 01:42:15,459
What?
1569
01:42:15,546 --> 01:42:17,708
I think it's time we got the
fuck out of here. Come on.
1570
01:42:24,889 --> 01:42:27,256
To all our listeners,
this is what I have to say.
1571
01:42:27,808 --> 01:42:29,390
God bless you all.
1572
01:42:29,477 --> 01:42:33,641
And as for you bastards in
charge, don't dream it's over.
1573
01:42:33,731 --> 01:42:36,268
Years will come, years will go,
1574
01:42:37,026 --> 01:42:38,812
and politicians will do fuck all
1575
01:42:38,903 --> 01:42:40,610
to make the world
a better place.
1576
01:42:40,696 --> 01:42:43,734
But all over the world,
young men and young women
1577
01:42:43,824 --> 01:42:48,739
will always dream dreams and
put those dreams into song.
1578
01:42:49,246 --> 01:42:51,704
Nothing important dies tonight.
1579
01:42:52,249 --> 01:42:54,911
Just a few ugly guys
on a crappy ship.
1580
01:42:55,169 --> 01:42:59,208
The only sadness tonight
is that, in future years,
1581
01:42:59,298 --> 01:43:02,006
there'll be so many
fantastic songs
1582
01:43:02,093 --> 01:43:05,006
that it will not be
our privilege to play.
1583
01:43:05,096 --> 01:43:09,932
But, believe you me,
they will still be written.
1584
01:43:10,226 --> 01:43:12,342
They will still be sung
1585
01:43:12,436 --> 01:43:16,270
and they will be
the wonder of the world.
1586
01:43:17,525 --> 01:43:18,765
Hit it!
1587
01:43:25,491 --> 01:43:26,981
I think we better go.
1588
01:43:29,161 --> 01:43:30,868
Okay. Do what you gotta do.
1589
01:43:32,957 --> 01:43:34,118
Chicken.
1590
01:43:40,381 --> 01:43:41,997
Go ahead, Harold.
1591
01:43:52,560 --> 01:43:53,560
Well done, Bob.
1592
01:43:53,644 --> 01:43:55,385
Come on up, Bob.
Well done.
1593
01:43:55,479 --> 01:43:56,844
Oh, my God.
1594
01:43:57,106 --> 01:43:58,972
So, tell us,
1595
01:43:59,567 --> 01:44:02,184
Mark, now we're at the very end.
1596
01:44:02,987 --> 01:44:05,479
What was your secret? Hmm?
1597
01:44:05,740 --> 01:44:07,322
How did you get all them girls?
1598
01:44:07,491 --> 01:44:08,606
Simple.
1599
01:44:09,034 --> 01:44:10,524
Don't say anything at all.
1600
01:44:11,829 --> 01:44:13,490
Nothing?
Nothing.
1601
01:44:13,789 --> 01:44:16,372
Then, when the tension
becomes too much to bear,
1602
01:44:16,459 --> 01:44:18,996
you "mat say,
“How about h, then?“
1603
01:44:21,672 --> 01:44:23,288
"How about it, then?"
1604
01:44:23,382 --> 01:44:25,168
"How about it, then?"
1605
01:44:25,843 --> 01:44:27,254
"How about it, then?"
1606
01:44:27,344 --> 01:44:28,505
Fuck!
1607
01:44:29,180 --> 01:44:31,797
How about it?
Well, how about this?
1608
01:44:31,891 --> 01:44:33,882
How about this situation here?
1609
01:44:34,310 --> 01:44:36,597
Try and fuck your way
out of this one, Mark!
1610
01:44:36,687 --> 01:44:38,018
We're gonna die!
1611
01:44:38,397 --> 01:44:40,104
Come on, Harold!
1612
01:44:40,191 --> 01:44:44,059
We are gonna live forever!
1613
01:44:44,820 --> 01:44:46,527
So this is where the party is.
1614
01:44:47,698 --> 01:44:51,612
Dude, come on up. Relax, enjoy yourself.
Good to see you, mate.
1615
01:44:51,702 --> 01:44:53,238
Come on.
1616
01:44:53,704 --> 01:44:55,035
You all right?
1617
01:45:12,765 --> 01:45:14,301
It's not...
1618
01:45:15,267 --> 01:45:16,723
It's not getting better.
1619
01:45:29,573 --> 01:45:30,904
GAVIN; This is it!
1620
01:45:32,868 --> 01:45:35,360
We are gonna die!
1621
01:45:36,539 --> 01:45:37,620
Wait!
1622
01:45:37,748 --> 01:45:39,785
What?
A boat!
1623
01:45:40,835 --> 01:45:42,997
How big?
How big a bloody boat?
1624
01:45:43,087 --> 01:45:44,367
It's not actually just one boat.
1625
01:45:44,421 --> 01:45:45,582
- Two boats?
- Three boats?
1626
01:45:45,673 --> 01:45:48,165
It's ever so slightly
more than three boats.
1627
01:45:48,259 --> 01:45:49,670
How many boats?
1628
01:45:49,760 --> 01:45:53,594
I think the technical term
is a fuck load of boats.
1629
01:45:56,475 --> 01:45:58,386
They're everywhere!
1630
01:46:05,943 --> 01:46:07,433
Where's Bob?
1631
01:46:23,711 --> 01:46:24,872
Get in the drink.
1632
01:46:25,296 --> 01:46:26,627
Hang on.
1633
01:46:26,714 --> 01:46:28,045
Gavin!
1634
01:46:28,382 --> 01:46:30,373
Let's go! Let's go!
1635
01:46:31,135 --> 01:46:32,341
Gavin!
1636
01:46:37,975 --> 01:46:39,966
One, two, three.
1637
01:46:53,324 --> 01:46:55,156
Oh, I sure can't swim.
1638
01:47:22,436 --> 01:47:23,767
Grab it!
1639
01:47:32,613 --> 01:47:36,698
Simon, come over!
I'm your number one fan!
1640
01:47:39,036 --> 01:47:40,197
Give me your hand.
1641
01:47:40,287 --> 01:47:42,745
Thank you. Thanks very much.
Very good of you.
1642
01:47:53,300 --> 01:47:56,213
Angus "The Nut"!
I'm alive!
1643
01:47:57,680 --> 01:47:58,715
Margaret!
1644
01:47:58,806 --> 01:48:01,093
Keep swimming,
you're doing really well!
1645
01:48:01,392 --> 01:48:03,053
Carl!
Marianne!
1646
01:48:03,185 --> 01:48:04,391
Carl!
1647
01:48:11,276 --> 01:48:13,546
I don't know what I would have done
if anything had happened to you!
1648
01:48:13,570 --> 01:48:16,028
I listen to your show
every single morning and...
1649
01:48:18,784 --> 01:48:20,024
Who are you?
1650
01:48:20,369 --> 01:48:21,450
I love you.
1651
01:48:21,537 --> 01:48:23,198
My name is on your boobies.
1652
01:48:30,921 --> 01:48:32,082
Wow!
1653
01:48:34,925 --> 01:48:38,589
Calm clown. There's plenty of Dr.
Dave to go around.
1654
01:49:32,816 --> 01:49:33,977
Yeah!
1655
01:49:34,234 --> 01:49:35,440
My man!
1656
01:49:45,162 --> 01:49:47,278
Rock 'n' roll!
1657
01:49:47,372 --> 01:49:48,828
Rock 'n' roll!
1658
01:49:48,916 --> 01:49:50,452
Rock 'n' roll!
1659
01:49:50,542 --> 01:49:52,032
Rock 'n' roll!
1660
01:49:52,920 --> 01:49:55,082
That's rock 'n' roll, baby!
1661
01:49:55,172 --> 01:49:56,833
Rock 'n' roll!
1662
01:50:02,054 --> 01:50:03,544
Rock 'n' roll!
1663
01:50:03,847 --> 01:50:05,212
Rock 'n' roll!
1664
01:52:11,683 --> 01:52:12,969
Very nice.
1665
01:52:14,853 --> 01:52:16,639
That's how you do it, isn't it?
1666
01:56:21,975 --> 01:56:23,932
Cheers, H. What's next?