Good night, Dad.
Night, James. Straight to bed.
Good night, Mum. Good night, James. Sleep tight.
Off with the lights now, please.
It's 9:00 at night and the dull dudes on the planet
are sitting in their slippers sipping their sherries,
but the people who love to rock and to roll
are ready to ride the rock 'n' roller-coaster once more.
You are listening to Radio Rock and I'm The Count, and I'm counting on you,
as we count down to ecstasy and rock all day and all of the night.
And all of the night
How much longer?
No time at all. There she is.
Where she is?
There she is.
I'm here to see Quentin.
Come, come.
Enter.
Ah-ha. Carl? Yes.
My favorite godson.
Have we met before?
I don't think so.
No. There was a lost decade, so I always have to check.
How's your mum?
She's fine. Not over-fond of me at the moment.
She's a very attractive woman.
Well, I wouldn't...
No, seriously.
I mean, to you, she's your mum, but to people of my age,
she's a sexual legend.
So...
Expelled?
That's right. What for?
I suppose smoking was the clincher.
Drugs or cigarettes?
Urn, both.
Well done.
Proud of you.
So your mum sent you here
in the hope that a little bracing sea air would sort you out?
Something like that.
Spectacular mistake.
Excuse me, everyone. Could I introduce Carl, my godson?
Welcome aboard. I'm The Count. I must be obeyed.
It's an honor.
Hi, Carl.
Don't miss Simple Simon's Super Sunday Smashes. I'm Simon.
That's why I just said that.
Hi, I'm Angus "The Nut" Nutsford.
Hello there. I'm John, News and Information Gathering.
Hi, I'm Felicity.
I didn't think girls were...
Oh, I'm a lesbian. Who cooks.
Of course. Have a piece of toast.
Could I have a Mars? Don't touch those, I've just arranged them.
Do you... Do you know what a lesbian is?
I do. Fun times, eh?
Anyone, toast, toast? Indeed.
I'm Thick Kevin.
Ah. Your delightful roommate.
Oh. Great. I'm Carl.
Cool name. Why Thick Kevin?
No idea. It's 'cause he's really, really thick.
This is, of course, Dave.
Wow.
Big, but very beautiful.
Welcome to the Boat of Love.
You know, if God were a DJ, he'd be on this station.
Radio Rock.
Let's have a tune, I'm sick of this silence.
And that was the sound of someone who missed last Sunday's chart show.
It's Nutty Nutsford time!
It's a shame you're a lezzer.
While I was swimming, I passed by a squirrel outside, folks, um,
he was doing the backstroke.
I just broke the knob off the record player.
"Mr. Squirrel, why are you swimming on your back?“
It's a small knob. I like it.
Reminds me of something.
"Well, I swim on my back to keep my nuts dry."
Voilà!
Whoo-hoo! I'm on fire!
You're probably still at school, it's 2:40.
Or you might be bunking off, in which case, good on you.
Carl. Yes.
How you doing? Okay, thank you.
You nervous? Little bit.
Come over here. There?
Yeah, come over here.
Come on.
Welcome. Turn around.
Now get the fuck out.
Okay, so the Tuesday night of fun starts here. We're ready...
We're ready. Gather 'round.
Teams, teams, teams, teams.
Okay, so the teams are Dave and The Count
versus Young Carl and Thick Kevin.
Okay.
Don't worry, it's not because I'm actually thick that I'm called Thick Kevin,
it's just a nickname.
That's right. So, who wants to go first?
- You wanna guess? - I'll guess. Fine.
All right, who's going? Big Bad Dave.
No looking. Thirty seconds starting from...
Now!
Oh, easy. Your president.
Lyndon Johnson. Yes!
He wrote Oliver Twist.
- Charles Dickens. - No miming.
Good, good, good, good.
Lovely. Lead singer of The Rolling Stones.
- Mick Jagger. - Yes.
Is a spy, 007.
- Bond, James Bond! - Yes!
Oh! And the actor who plays.
"Hello, I'm James Bond."
The actor who plays 007... Yes! Sean Connery.
Quickly, quickly.
Hello, I'm a Beatle.
I'm one of the Beatles. JOHN: Time, time, time. No, no, no, no.
That one doesn't count.
That was gonna be good.
That's six to zero. COUNT: I feel good about this one.
I get it now.
Well, all right.
Ready to rock.
Okay, the thing about Kev is you gotta think outside the box.
- Think outside the box. - He's ready to rock.
Forget about the box.
Thirty seconds from now!
Go! You can do it.
It's a type of bird, but it's wearing a hat.
Fucking genius.
- He's just nervous. - Not so much a hat.
Something that's at the top of a coat and attached to the coat
and covers the head, but is not a hat.
A hood?
Yes, and now first name, type of bird.
So, something Hood.
Robin Hood!
We are cooking with gas!
Why didn't you just say he lived in Sherwood Forest and has a bow and arrow?
Yeah? What? Who are you talking about?
Robin Hood.
- I didn't know that. - Counting down.
Right, hang on, no. Tricky one.
It's like he's having a stroke.
Nice guy-
Nice guy? KEVIN: Yes, very nice guy.
- Really nice guy. - IS that it?
No. Has lots of friends. Has long hair.
Ah!
Jimi Hendrix?
Hmm? No, much older. No shoes.
I know this.
Nice guy, has long hair, doesn't have any shoes.
Think about it.
Must be...
It's like watching a baby drown.
Wore a dress.
Dress? Wore a dress!
This had better not be Jesus.
Yes, Jesus! Obviously!
Rock on!
Why didn't you say he was the Son of God?
Was he?
Now, there is one final matter to discuss.
Pirate radio.
Goodness.
In whose department does this fall?
That would be me, Prime Minister.
What's the plan, Sir Alistair? They're very popular.
And they're not actually breaking any law that we know of.
We're going to shut them down within the year.
They are a sewer of dirty and irresponsible commercialism
and low morals.
Indeed. Very well. I leave it in your capable hands.
Thank you very much, Prime Minister.
Thank you all.
Full news again in one hour with me, John Mayford.
Till then, this man.
Right, this was the deal.
I asked all of you to demand of me to do a very foolish thing,
and you sent in ideas in their millions.
But one idea has defeated them all,
so I'm proud to announce I will soon be the first person to say the “F" word
on rock 'n' roll radio in the United Kingdom of Great Britain.
But my aim is not to offend, it is to entertain.
But also, perhaps, to educate a little.
Because if you shoot a bullet, someone dies.
When you drop a bomb, many die.
If you hit a woman, love dies.
But if you say the "F" word, nothing actually happens.
So here it comes. Especially for you, the "F" word.
F...
First, though, this very fine piece of music.
(HANG ON SLOOPY PLAYING
You can't do this.
Why not? It's just a word!
Charming thought, but here's the simple situation.
The authorities already dislike us.
If you do this they will hate us,
and by hook or by crook, they'll find a way to close us down.
They can't close us down. We're pirates.
That's why we're sitting out here in the middle of the freaking ocean.
Believe me, they will find a way.
Governments loathe people being free.
Ah, come on. What's this about?
Okay.
Okay, I'm thinking about it.
Okay.
My dear comrades, I have some sad news.
The powers that be have decreed
that the "F" word is a word too far.
But at least for now,
even though our dreams of freedom have died a tragic death,
The Hollies are still alive.
Thank you.
I don't know why you did that.
I was just gonna say "fuck" once.
You know, one tiny little "fuck."
There's no such thing as a tiny little "fuck."
Yeah, there is. You should ask Angus' girlfriend.
Be that as it may, there's no "fuck" so small it won't fuck us up.
One clay, in a world of dreams, you'll be able to say "wank"
or "bollocks“ or even "cock" on the radio. But "fuck, “ never.
Excuse me, Your Lordship. Yes, Harold?
You've left your mike up in the studio.
Oh!
So I have.
I do apologize to everyone out there
for the four...
Or was it five "F" words, Quentin? It was five-
The Hollies will continue undisturbed.
I'm so sorry about that, Quentin, but you know,
I thought you sounded good. You have a lovely voice for radio.
Fuck off.
That makes it six, Quentin.
It couldn't have turned out better, in my opinion.
Right. Good morning, good morning, good morning, good morning. Please sit down.
Pirate radio stations. Good, good, good, good, good.
Now, I have told the Prime Minister
that we will shut them down within 12 months.
As you will see, sir, they're not in fact outside of the law at the moment, sir.
Then they soon will be, won't they, Mr...
Fredericks. Fredericks.
You see, that's the whole point of being the government.
If you don't like something, you simply make up a new law that makes it illegal.
Speaking of which, Mr... Fredericks.
Yes, sir?
I think we might also start working on legislation to outlaw that haircut of yours.
You don't like it, sir?
No one likes it. Apart from blind people.
And I'm sure even they can sense its profound ugliness as it passes by.
I'll give you a day to deal with the hair,
and a fortnight to deal with the pirates. Goodbye.
Miss C, as I suspected, totally useless!
Send me that clever new chap.
Certainly, sir!
I have a job for him. We have some damage to do.
Good morning, everybody.
You're listening to Simple Simon's Breakfast Show
on 203 meters in the medium waveband.
You're one of 23 million people
listening to the Boat of Love this morning.
Looking forward to Saturday? Uh-huh.
What's Saturday?
Sexsational Saturday!
As you may have noticed, there are, unfortunubbly, no women on this boat,
apart from Felicity...
Hiya!
Who is of the lesbionic tendency.
But every second Saturday, each DJ is allowed to invite one girl onto the boat.
So, any idea who you'll invite?
Oh, um, God.
Presumably there's a sort of presumption that there'll be
sex, of some sort. Every time.
- Yeah. - Then no.
I've spent my life at all-boys' schools.
The closest I've ever come to a snog
is when I was once licked on the face by a horse.
Sounds good, actually. Oh, dear.
A horse?
I'm sorry to hear that, Carl, my son.
I would seriously like to help.
I Will put my mind to it.
Miss Peacock.
How are you lined up, Ang?
Well, her name is Daphne.
Ah, yes. And she likes the bearded man.
She does, indeed.
With a tiny knob.
Whatever.
I've got a tiny knob, actually.
But I rather like it.
It means I can wear smaller underpants.
Don't know what that means. I didn't understand any of that.
Who's that guy up there? I haven't met him yet.
That is Mark.
He's the sexiest man on the planet. Hardly ever speaks.
Not even when he's broadcasting, which is interesting.
So that's Midnight Mark.
Wow.
Now...
You not got anyone?
No. No, not today.
I guess I'm really... I'm looking for that "one true love“ thing.
Really? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Big time.
Oh, look, here they come.
Here they come.
Here they are!
Wow.
Wowzer.
Oh, my God, it's like a boat of honey.
Dave! Dave!
I wanna sleep with them all!
Hi.
I need a big drink.
I agree. Let's leave.
All right, hurry, up the steps.
Do you mind if I call you guys by the same name?
Twins can be very confusing.
We don't mind.
You know, this is actually a very interesting book.
Is it? Yes, it's...
My father used to collect woodpeckers.
Really? Yeah! No.
No, my father was an architect.
How about you? What did your father do?
Well, he had sex with my mum and then left without leaving his name or address.
No. Yeah.
No! It's cool.
I... You don't miss what you've never had.
Nothing planned, you guys?
No, no. Not yet.
Another very quiet afternoon for me and my sex life.
The sad room.
Ah! Come here.
I've come to get you out of your predicament.
What predicament?
The whole sad act. No girl, unused pencil-sized penis predicament.
Oh. That predicament.
Walk this way.
Don't walk that way.
No. Walk woodpecker way. Well, I'm just gonna...
Okay. Okay, it might work.
But, one, it's morally wrong.
Well, I mean, is it? Yes.
And, two, it might not work.
In which case I'm gonna be the biggest idiot in the world.
All this is true. But on the other hand,
it could be the best five minutes of your life.
You hear that? That's destiny knocking.
Get in there.
Oh, yeah. The doctor is hungry.
Come on in, baby.
What's this? Alcohol.
Oh.
You're trying to get me drunk, are you?
Of course I am.
How you been? You all right?
I need to pull the pin on my love grenade.
Please do.
Boom.
I think...
I think we should turn the lights off.
Do we have to? I like to see you when I'm with you.
I can't make love in electric light, it's unnatural.
Trust me, though, yeah? I'm a doctor.
Okay. Lin, deux, trois.
Let's do this, yeah?
Come on. Keep your boots on.
Keeping the boots on.
There we go. Although, not quite good enough.
There. Pitch black.
Hey!
You are a very complex man.
Thank you.
Will you... Will you just excuse me for a second?
Where are you going?
I think we should take some precautionary measures.
Hurry back.
Oh! I will.
What the hell are you doing?
I just thought it'd be nice if I brushed my teeth first,
but I didn't have my own toothbrush,
so what I did was I borrowed...
No, I mean, what the hell are you doing still dressed?
Oh! Yes, do you think I should get undressed?
Yeah.
I can't walk out of there stark-bollock naked
and walk back in fully clothed, can I?
Fine, okay, fine.
Think smart. Right.
Are you sure it's dark enough out there?
Yes, it's pitch black.
The pope could walk in and poke her, she would never know.
I just wish I was a bit bigger. Why'?
'Cause you're beefy, you know?
Can I come in? I need to wee. Yeah, hang on, hang on!
One second. No!
In here! Down, get down. Hurry! Hurry... Hurry up!
Come in.
What are you doing in here?
Little private man things.
Thought I could hear voices.
Oh, you know, us disc jockeys,
we're always practicing our patter.
Gosh, you're quite chunky, aren't you?
Am I? I mean, yeah!
Yeah, I suppose I am. The girls seem to like it.
Wash, wash!
That's what I like about you. You're a nice clean bird.
That's what you think.
No! Uh-uh!
No, no way. Don't... Don't do that.
Don't dry your hands, I...
I love a girl with
wet hands.
You are strange.
Do you want to get down to it, then?
Just give me a second, will you? I'm gonna...
Don't know if you can see, but I've got a bit of nougat lodged in a molar at the back.
Well, hurry up, lover boy.
I will, lover girl.
Oi, Casanova.
But what about the size thing? She said you were chunky.
Look, look.
Relax. Just find the right position
and it will all be over before she realizes.
Just be quick.
I think you can be pretty sure I'm gonna be quick.
I see a lot of myself in you. Come here.
It's a very special time.
Trousers.
I can do this. I just don't know where...
Shh. Hey, look at me. Enjoy it. Enjoy it.
I'm not a virgin. Okay.
I'm having second thoughts.
Carl.
This is your destiny.
Hello, big boy.
No, wrong room! Sorry.
Come in.
Sir? Ah! Yes.
Very impressive references here. Thank you, sir.
Very unusual name.
Twatt?
And that's with two T's? Have you heard of pirate radio, Twatt?
Like Radio Rock, sir?
Indeed, exactly like Radio Rock.
Ever listened to it? Not often.
I'm not really a pop person. I prefer classical music.
Well, who doesn't?
The listeners of Radio Rock, sir?
Precisely.
The drug-takers and the law breakers
and the bottom-bashing fornicators
of our recently great country.
Well, here's your little task, Twatt.
I want Rock off the air in 12 months,
and I want you to be my private assassin.
I was gone! No, I had to... I had to leave.
Don't want it.
All right.
What's wrong with you?
You're so fussy.
But she did this wonderful thing, where she put a tiny bit of ketchup...
Hi.
Sorry, man, but who are you?
Bob.
Smooth Bob.
Bob Silver, the Dawn Treader.
I do the early, early, early morning show.
Oh!
You're Bob.
Yeah. Good old Bob.
How long have you been on the boat, Bob?
Seven months. Every morning, 3:00 a.m. to 6:00 a.m.
Well, then how come we've never met you?
Well, you know, I keep myself to myself.
A lot of sleep.
Fair amount of drugs.
A total immersion in the vinyl, you know?
Gotta listen to the music if you're gonna give the people what they need.
Amen. In their heart and their soul. Yeah?
Um...
Better be getting back to the sounds, 'cause
it's a bit hectic in here.
- So that's Bob? - Good old Bob.
COUNT". That's Bob.
Arise, Sir Bob.
What was his name again?
Really?
So, young man, how's it going?
Well, sir, I think I may have had a little breakthrough.
The pirate stations only exist because they sell advertising.
Oh, yes, you can listen to our pop music,
but only if you also buy Findus Frozen Fish Fingers.
Exactly. So what we can do immediately
is make advertising on the stations illegal
for British companies.
We would cut off the boats' cash with one fell swoop.
Brilliant.
I like you, Twatt.
I'm more of a Jean Shrimpton fan.
Stop blowing the whistle, man, we were chatting.
I have a very important announcement.
As you may know, there has been a serious squeeze
put on our advertisers by Her Majesty's Government.
This chart, thank you, John,
displays what's been happening to our advertising revenue in the last few weeks.
Ouch.
So, I've had to stir myself from my traditional languor
and do something to make the station more attractive
to new commercial partners.
Two years ago, something terrible happened,
and we lost the greatest DJ pirate radio has ever known to America,
ambition, and alcoholic poisoning.
And then something wonderful happened
and we got, in return, from America,
a man who proved more than capable
of filling those enormous shoes.
Bravo, Count. I do my humble best.
This guy.
And now, my friends, I have good news.
Bad news, sir.
Very good news.
Have you ever heard of Gavin Kavanagh?
No, I have not.
He's possibly the most famous popular music broadcaster ever.
Indeed, a strange and mysterious legend.
And what about him?
Well, sir, he's decided...
To return.
No! Stop it!
Oh, my...
Three weeks today,
Gavin Kavanagh returns to rock on Radio Rock.
So?
So, it is more important than ever
to actually close the stations down.
Otherwise the advertisers will simply flock back and pay their bills from abroad.
Well, what are we going to do, then?
We go, sir, for the jugular.
And this next song is dedicated to
the coolest man in the whole of the world,
and he's about to step onto this boat.
It is gorgeous Gavin Kavanagh,
and this week he's definitely number one!
(JUMPING JACK FLASH PLAYING
Quentin.
And you must be The Count.
Lam he.
I wonder what that makes me, the king?
Or the clown?
Nice to meet you, sweetheart.
All right. And you are?
Felicity.
Rules changed?
I'm a lesbian.
Groovy! Always or mostly?
Absolutely always.
So you say.
No! Stop that.
Now, take me to my microphone. I need to broadcast.
Let's go, Gavin.
Are you doing something dirty? Hmm?
Are you doing something your parents don't know about?
Are you breaking the law?
Are you breaking the rules?
Open your knees and feel the breeze,
because Gavin's back to stay.
Now it's just you and me,
and I'm looking right up your skirt.
That feels so good.
That feels wonderful!
Listen to this.
Watch and learn, kids, watch and learn.
This is Gavin, tweaking the nation's nipples!
So, join me tomorrow,
when I'll be playing definitive rock 'n' roll here on Radio Rock.
Think of me when you come.
And now it's over to Jolly John.
For some more murders, rapes and abductions, it's the news.
The news at midday.
In London...
Twatt, Miss C. How is the jugular going?
Slowly, sir.
Yes, I hear the arrival of Mr. Kavanagh has been followed
by the founding of a rash of new stations, for God's sake.
Yes, sir. Sort it out in a fortnight.
Find me a loophole in the law so that I can make them all illegal
or you are both fired.
And when I say fired, I do not only mean that you will lose your jobs.
I mean that you will never work again!
You disastrous, pathetic
ugly nobodies.
Jugular, my arse!
You wanted to see me?
Oh, yes, Carl!
Your birthday is coming and I haven't got you a present yet.
It's difficult. What do you give the man who has nothing?
Yes, tricky.
So, after deep thought, what I've decided is to give you
a nice time.
Tomorrow evening, I've invited my niece, Marianne, to dinner.
She is the sweetest and prettiest girl in the world.
Radio Rock Where romance rules
It's Midnight Mark here.
Hi.
Hello?
Midnight Mark.
Carl. Good evening.
This is Marianne.
(THESE ARMS OF MINE PLAYING
Hi.
You already said that.
Yeah.
Could you excuse me for one second?
Dave. Hi. Hi.
Could, um, I borrow a...
A condom?
Sure.
Well, well, well, Young Carl.
You... Do you know how it works?
Of course I bloody know how it works.
Carl.
They made me steer the thing myself. Alone.
And you did? Yeah.
I must be the most inexperienced person...
Quentin around?
No, actually, you just missed him.
Oh, my God. A woman.
And not just a woman.
The most beautiful and succulent woman in the history of mankind.
Dave, this is Marianne.
Dave, hello! I'm a real fan!
Who isn't?
Well, it's lovely to meet you, Miraculous Marianne.
No.
No, me neither.
I can see why you wanted that condom. What?
Well, well, night-night.
What did he just say?
"Night-night"? No, before that.
I didn't quite catch it.
Did he say, "I can see why you wanted the condom"?
I did not hear him say that.
I did.
And the only conclusion I can draw from that
is that you thought I was going to be so easy
that you borrowed a condom.
No.
No? What other conclusion can I then draw?
Okay.
It's true. And I'm sorry.
It's just that the first moment I saw you,
I fell in love with you, instantly,
and I thought that, if I got luckier than any man has ever got,
it would be a tragedy if I didn't have
a condom.
I can see now that that was just sick and very wrong,
and so I'm gonna take the condom out of my pocket
and I'm throwing the condom into the North Sea.
You see, I already adore you.
I hope one day we'll get married and have children.
Thank you.
Come here.
I think we're going to need that condom.
Dave, you don't have another condom?
Sorry, mate, it was my last.
What happened to the one I gave you?
Long story.
Try Gavin.
Thank you.
Okay. Just one minute. This is my room.
You should stay here, and I'll be back,
and, Kevin, I can see you.
All right.
Evening.
Good evening.
Thank you, Gavin, I really appreciate it.
Don't mention it, youngster.
And remember, be gentle, but be firm. Very firm, indeed.
And when you're done with it,
run it under the tap, rinse it out, use it again.
Where is she?
Marianne?
Ooh, baby.
Oh, no.
Oh, no!
Hey, kid.
Hey, how you doing?
I can see you, Marianne.
I'm sorry.
That'll warm you up.
Enter.
Sir. The two weeks are over,
and I'm afraid I haven't really been able to find you a loophole.
What a shame.
Time for you to move on, then, like your sad little father.
But what I have done is find you a noose.
I have a report here that says that last week the distress call of a fishing boat
wasn't heard because its radio waveband was blocked by Radio Rock.
Men were dying, and they couldn't be saved
because of this rock 'n' roll pornography.
I think, sir, we have our smoking gun.
Well done, Twatt.
Thank you, sir.
We have their testicles in our hands
and it feels good.
And that was for Erica from Wolverhampton.
Yes, it's male time.
Oh, my God! That's you!
Hey, guys.
Hey, Simon, what can we do for you?
Well, Carl, my mate,
my best mate, I've got some news.
I don't know why I'm singing. I can't even... My words are just coming out in tune.
I'm so happy. If I were The Count right now,
I would definitely be using the "F" word to describe the level of this good news.
Hold me! Hold me!
For what?
I'm getting married!
To a woman!
You're fucking doing fucking what?
Getting married.
And give her one for the Nutster!
I won't.
What's the lovely lady's name?
- Elenore. - Elenore.
Yeah, she's an American.
Well, well, I hope you all appreciate what this means.
From next Saturday, there will, for the first time,
be a woman living on the boat.
No offense meant.
None taken. I'm actually quite excited about it.
Hands off, you lesbian. Watch out!
Eye on you.
But Elenore will, of course, be totally exclusive to her lucky husband.
Here, I hope you gentlemen can take it.
For my eyes only.
May I just say, now that Quentin has departed,
one word which I believe is the only word in the world that now matters?
And that word is...
Matrimony.
Stag!
Yes, yes, yes.
Stag, stag, stag!
Fantastic!
Oh, it's a stag. Yeah!
I thought you were having a seizure. He's okay. He's fine.
Play ball!
Only the finest.
I think I might have had a bit too much to drink last night.
What about you? KEVIN: No, I'm in good shape.
In fact, I find alcohol rather sharpens my mind.
Really? Yes.
And I've been thinking.
Dangerous.
It's a bit queer that your mum sent you here to get on the straight and narrow,
when this is obviously the worst possible place in the world to do that.
There's sex and drugs and alcohol.
Without the sex.
My theory is that you're here
because it's exactly the right time for a young man like you
to get to know his dad.
And?
I therefore think that your dad is on this boat.
And since he's definitely not me,
I think he's probably Quentin.
Sometimes, just sometimes,
I think I should be called Clever Kevin.
What do you say to that?
So tell me, Twatt, what's the plan?
I think we should work to get public opinion on our side.
Then January 1st, we make pirate radio totally illegal
on the grounds that they are endangering the lives
of the brave men and women of the nation's shipping community,
upon whom the economy and fish and chip shops of the country depend.
And if they try to defy the law, we take them out.
Splendid.
I think we can call it the Marine Offences Act.
The Marine Offences Act. I like it.
And I think the Queen will like it, too.
We have them on the ropes.
Good. I love ropes.
You must come over to dinner sometime, meet the family.
And top news of the day. At 2:45 precisely this afternoon,
Sir Simon Swafford, king of the charts,
marries the prettiest girl who ever lived.
I just want you to know, I want to assure listeners
that this doesn't mean that I have any less love for you.
I'll still be here every morning.
The only difference will be, I'll be happy.
(ELENORE PLAYING
Oh, my God. Here she comes.
Woo-hoo! - Hello!
Big day-Big day!
I shouldn't look.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God, apparently,
which is scary,
to witness the wedding of this man and this
total goddess.
Jesus Christ alone knows why she's marrying him.
- Good one. - But love is,
as the Everly Brothers so wisely observed, strange.
And the bride is blushing now as the groom is gazing into her eyes.
You can almost see Cupid fluttering his wings above their heads.
No, that was a seagull.
Oh, shut up, Nutsford.
Best man, have you got the rings?
I have.
Thanks, mate.
There you are.
How lovely.
I now declare you man and stunning wife.
So sweet.
Elenore, gee, I think you're swell
Aha!
Where's those bridesmaids?
It's Nutty Nutsford here, the morning after the night before.
Hey. Hey!
How did it go?
It...
I think it will get better. You know, it was...
She was tired.
I was a little overexcited, it was... If I'm honest, it was a bit quick sticks.
But we don't need to blow it all on one night, do we? Do we?
No. We've all the time in the world. Round two.
Good luck. Thanks.
Hew Hey, babe.
Wow. You look like a unicorn.
In a negligee.
How is Mrs. Swafford this morning?
Good. Good, very good.
I've brought you some tea.
No? I don't like tea.
I'll drink it myself.
Simon, I've got some news.
No. Oh, don't tell me...
Oh, you're pregnant already, aren't you?
I knew this was gonna happen. The Swaffords have always had strong stuff.
No, it's not that.
Not that I don't want babies. I do.
I want a dozen. You'll be in bits by the time I'm done,
but, you know, I thought that we could have a few more years
of reckless shagging before we settle into Baby Boulevard.
Simon, I'm so in love.
Mmm.
Of course you are.
Gavin is so fantastic.
Isn't he? Isn't he just? Isn't he just the greatest, the coolest guy?
Yes, he is. I guess that's why I'm in love with him.
Koala bear, when you said that you were in love with him,
there might be a translation.
What do you mean by that?
Well, I...
I met him about a week before I met you
and I fell in love with him.
But he said the only way that I could be on the boat was if we got married.
And he wouldn't do that, for obvious reasons.
So I suggested that I could just marry another DJ,
and that way I could still be on the boat.
He said that was a mad idea.
But then I met you.
You know, I saw you sitting all alone in that pub
and I just leapt at the opportunity and...
Well, now, here I am.
And if it's okay with you, I'll be moving in with Gavin tonight.
Oh, thanks for being so understanding.
But I don't understand.
But I just explained. See, I met Gavin and we fell in love and...
Uh-huh. No, I get that. I understood all... I get the ins and outs of it.
What I don't understand is how you could be so cruel.
I mean, we're just married, if you read the...
Yesterday.
And we're supposed to spend the rest of our lives together.
We will, in a way. We will, we will. It's just...
I'll be having sex with Gavin instead of you every night, and...
But we'll still be friends.
If you need me, I'll be right next door.
Okay?
Having sex?
Hopefully, yes.
You might hear us.
That would be nice.
Official sources were today sad to announce
the separation of Simon Swafford and his wife, Elenore,
after 17 hours of marriage.
It is understood the split is due to musical differences.
Well, what do you have to say, bastard?
Look, come on, be fair. I didn't ask her to do it.
I said to her it's absolutely not on and now she's left,
she's gone, she's left the boat, she's not coming back.
I honestly can't see what I've done wrong.
What can I say?
It's the dark side of rock 'n' roll.
Can you tell me one thing?
Before she left this morning, did you... You didn't...
You know?
Just one little pop.
I thought it was the least I could do
after all the trouble the lovely girl had gone to.
Simon, wait.
Can't really blame him, can you?
Yeah, you can.
Mister, you ever heard of the Vietnam War?
I have.
Well, that holocaust is simply a playground skirmish
next to what you're about to experience.
I'm declaring war.
W-A-R. Gonna tear you apart.
My dear listeners, you may have noticed a certain cooling of the relationship
between His Royal Highness, The Count of Cool, and a guy called Gavin.
Well, I'm eager to show the world that he is a coward.
So I'm suggesting something that's pretty big where I come from,
and it's a game called "Chicken."
The man who climbs furthest is the victor.
May the best man win.
And the biggest chicken lose.
Are we ready?
Then let the ascent commence.
Come on, Count. Come on. Up you go.
Climb for America, sir.
Hope she was worth it.
She definitely was.
Fuck.
Come on, Count.
Keep going, come on.
Come on, Count, beat him.
Come on, Count.
Oh, fuck!
Oh, my goodness. Is he all right?
For God's sake, stop! Help him!
Okay.
It's... It's getting pretty high now.
I suppose there might be an argument that it's time for a...
A moment of reflection.
Spoken like a five-star chicken.
What are they doing?
Just trying to help you out.
No!
Come on, guys, don't be stupid.
Enough is enough, you've proved your point.
Quentin, do something!
All he did was have sex with someone's wife.
Sorry, Simon. Nothing personal.
If you fall, you will die.
Oh, my God.
You will die!
Come down now!
This is absolutely ridiculous. Come down now!
Oh, Christ. Oh, fuck.
Step away from the edge, you silly bastards. This is madness.
Oh, my God!
You're nuts! You're nuts!
L think, at the end of the day, mast climbing is the winner.
Why am I so fucking fat?
What do you say now?
I say, I know a chicken when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Adiós, amigo.
Man overboard!
Oh, fuck!
I don't even like Simon!
Crybaby.
Crybaby!
Oh, bollocks.
Whoa! What are you doing?
Wham bam ba loo bam wham bam boom.
Tutti-frutti!
Ladies and gentlemen of Great Britain.
Abraham Lincoln once said, "It is the measure of a man
"that he can admit when he's wrong."
And I have been catastrophically wrong.
I'd also like to take this opportunity to apologize to a dear friend of mine,
Simon.
Finally,
everything onboard is gonna be just fine.
(SUNNY AFTERNOON PLAYING
Everyone, this is our last ball, so please be careful.
Kevin, it's your kick-off.
- Go, Kevin! - Come on, Kevin.
Okay, to your places.
- CARL; Idiot! - Idiot!
Take his trousers off. Get him!
I can see your nuts, Nutsford.
Are you sure that throwing him in
is the best way to get him to learn how to swim?
Absolutely. Okay.
You know, although, on second thought, it might just be for kids.
I can't touch the bottom.
Yeah, I think if you throw in an adult...
Goodbye, everybody!
Doesn't work that way.
Goodbye.
Deprivation.
- Yes. - Yeah.
Let's do it. Your Highness, s'il vous plaît.
Okay.
Uh...
I've got you limeys beat. I have never had a sexual dream
featuring a member of the Royal Family.
Raise your hand if you have been as equally deprived.
Princess Margaret. Princess Margaret.
Yes! The full six puntos.
Very crafty. DAVE: Bit of a weakness as a race.
Good, good. Well done, mate.
Good. Full house. Felicity.
I have never had sex with a man.
Risky one. I didn't think that was the road to go down.
Damn it. Really?
Damn it.
Sorry.
Okay, it was at school, obviously. Who hasn't, eh?
- Me. - All of us.
Besides you guys, okay. It was just once.
And his name was Jackman.
- Course his name was Jackman. - Yeah.
You can laugh. But actually, he was something of a god.
- You know, I bet he was. - In the Upper Fifth.
- In the Upper Fifth? - Yes.
He was a bit of a god in the Upper Fifth? Yes.
- Okay. - Jackman.
I was curious.
Sadly, it means you only get one point.
- One point. - One point for Felicity.
Well done.
Look at his doe-eyedness. Okay.
Mr. Gavin Kavanagh.
Right, bit of a strange one, this.
I've never been on a date with a girl...
Wait, wait.
And, after sex, thought she wouldn't notice if I let go a little
bit of wind.
Did so,
and realized it wasn't wind...
It was diarrhea.
So I've never been in bed with a girl of my dreams
with poo all over the sheets behind me.
- No. - Raise your hands
anyone who has not done that No way.
Oh, David!
You bastard, man!
I didn't tell anyone.
You did that?
Yeah.
What did you do?
Well, I told her that my wife
would be home in five minutes, so she left.
So you got away with it.
It's a gray area, really.
Tell them.
The problem being that my wife then came home and
I got into quite a lot of trouble for pooing in the bed.
At 4:00 in the afternoon.
Pooper!
Gorgeous Gavin.
Oh, yes. That was beautiful.
We're back on "pubic" air.
Radio Rock, 203 meters on the medium waveband.
Radio Rock!
And whatever you do, don't tell Dr. Dave I told you the infamous poo story.
It's Gavin here, and what a year it's been.
Government plans to undermine us have failed spectacularly.
In fact, a recent poll says that at an election, 93% of British people
would vote for the pirates rather than the government.
This is why.
I'm very sorry, sir.
Don't worry, Twatt.
We may lose the public relations battle, but we will win the war.
We shall proceed,
but just not tell anyone.
Executions are best done behind closed doors.
NOW shut that filth Off!
It's a boat.
What the fuck are you doing here?
She asked to see someone called Carl.
Who asked?
She did.
It's her.
And her.
You wanna come onboard?
I'm very sorry about what I did that night.
No. No, it's fine.
I mean, obviously
who would wanna sleep with me?
Well, let's see, shall we?
Um, well, we could,
you know, play Scrabble, if you fancy it.
I hate Scrabble. Maybe...
Me, too. Absolutely loathe it. Hate it.
Cluedo, on the other hand, is under...
Kevin, out.
Lovely to see you again, Marianne.
This is a very small bed.
Sorry. No, it's fine. Maybe if we just lie like this.
Would you like a cup of tea?
Oh, yes, now that would be
lovely.
Cool.
Lovely.
Would you like a cup of tea?
A cup of tea would be lovely.
And, yes, ladies and gentlemen of Great Britain,
Carl has emerged from the Chamber of Love.
Carl, say hello to the 20 million people
who have been waiting with bated breath to hear the news
whether or not you have indeed misplaced your crucial cherry tonight.
Come on, guys.
I think that's a "yes." ls that a "yes"?
Remember, the reply, "I don't wanna answer that question" means “yes."
Well, I'm certainly not gonna answer that question, so... Houston...
we have lift-off.
Yes, newsflash. A nice young man has lost his virginity
in the North Sea.
More soon on that breaking story.
Well done, Carl.
Morning. Morning.
Morning, madam.
Oh, ladies and gentlemen, if you could see what I see now.
They'll be dancing in the street all over the United Kingdom tonight.
Carl, well done!
You will be missed.
Please come back soon.
(LITTLE SAINT NICK PLAYING
You're with me, Angus "The Nut" Nutsford. It's Christmas time. Whoo-hoo!
Carl.
I just got a message from shore,
and your mother is dropping by to pay us a visit for Christmas.
You're kidding? When does she arrive?
Tomorrow. She was always very impromptu.
Was she?
Oh, yeah.
Anyway, I thought you might like to know, in case you want to, you know,
brush your hair or hide the large stack of pornography you keep on that shelf.
Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas from Radio Rock.
Oh, I hear your mum's coming onboard? Yeah.
Yeah, send her my best.
Tell her Muddy Waters rocks. Okay.
She'll know what I mean.
Yep. Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Ahoy!
Lovely to see you.
Christ, what a dump.
I hoped you'd like it. I love it.
This is Dr. Dave.
You're not a real doctor, are you?
And, uh, Gavin Kavanagh.
Ready for action.
I bet you are.
Well, if you'd come through here.
Hey, right on, brother. That's some hot mummy you got there.
Give her one from me.
Good luck, my friend.
Thanks.
Mum,
I hate to be abrupt. Can I ask you a very serious question?
It's moving. Yes, darling, I'm listening.
Is Quentin
my father?
I beg your pardon?
You heard me.
Is Quentin my dad?
No.
No. He isn't.
No? No.
Cool.
It was just...
I was just thinking how great it would be to have a father.
I'd really like one of those.
Mmm.
How long are you here for?
Oh, only Boxing Day. Leaving in the morning.
Now this is very good cognac.
It is 10215.
Perfect.
Here we go. Now, I'd like to raise a glass
- to Carl's mother. - Oh, yeah.
Wonderful Charlotte, it was
a shag well shagged
the night you made this little fella.
Definitely, definitely.
I couldn't have put it better myself.
Now, when he came aboard, I'm sure it's all agreed
that we thought he was a bit of a posh tosser.
- I didn't like him. - He seemed unpleasant.
Me neither. You know what? He is now one of us.
Yes, he is!
We would like him
- to stay forever. - Forever.
And just to finish off, Kev.
Bless you, rabbits are Easter, not Christmas.
That's why they call it the Easter Bunny.
Oh, right.
- I am seriously thick, aren't I? - You are.
- Thick Kevin! - To Thick Kevin!
You're the thickest!
- All right, jokes. - Jokes, jokes, jokes!
What is the largest living mammal on Earth?
I don't know. ALL: What is the largest living mammal on Earth?
The blue whale! Weighing over 150 tons.
These are facts. These are the fact ones. They're not jokes.
Have we all got facts?
Oh.
Darling,
I think you might have a joke.
Ah.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Yes, it's funny.
Would you like a mince pie?
Yes, I would. Thank you.
Shall we have another go at the thing?
Cracker, sir? Yes, the cracker thing.
Right.
Well, that's quite enough excitement for one day.
Well, goodbye, Mum.
Oh, by the way, our late-night DJ Bob
sent you a message, which is,
"Muddy Waters rocks."
Oh, my God. He didn't tell you, did he?
What?
What? What do you mean, "What?"
What do you mean, "Oh, my God, he didn't tell you?"
Nothing, darling. No, Mum, it's not nothing.
Oh, Mum.
Really? What?
Please tell me you didn't sleep with him?
Of course I slept with him.
Everybody slept with him. He was absolutely gorgeous in those days.
Hold on a second. We can't be talking about the same Bob?
This is the late-night DJ here? The beast with the beard?
Well, he was indeed a beast.
But at that time, as far as I can recall, he was clean-shaven.
When? When did you sleep with Bob?
For heaven's sake, will you stop badgering me?
I don't know when.
How old are you?
Eighteen and a half.
Well, then it must have been
19 and a quarter years ago, then.
Give or take.
Anyway, better go.
That poor man's been waiting forever.
I'm so glad we've got that old chestnut out of the way,
aren't you?
Bye-bye, darling.
Oh, oh, and tell Mark, you know, that it was a lovely, lovely night.
No!
Bob.
Dude?
I think I've got some pretty big news for you.
Cool.
I'm in a pretty loose mood. I think I can handle it.
I think... I think...
I'm pretty sure that you are, um, as it were,
technically speaking,
my dad.
You're the man I've been
missing and waiting for and
searching for all my life.
Cool.
That's it? That's your reaction?
Just give me a minute.
Dusty Springfield there on the Dawn Treader, with quite possibly
the finest white soul voice in the world.
And this is a young man who's really quite good at playing the guitar.
(THE WIND CRIES MARY PLAYING
Jimi.
So...
Morning, hepcats.
Hey-
Hi.
What's new?
Nothing.
Yes.
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
And yes.
Good evening, sir. Hello.
Just sign it, sir.
And in three days, our heroic disc jockeys become dangerous criminals.
Well done, Twatt.
That is my kind of Christmas present.
Thank you, sir.
Right. Pirate radio abolished.
A show of hands.
Good, moving on.
Now, we have to make up our minds on...
In the House of Commons today,
the new Marine Offences Act was passed unanimously.
From midnight on New Year's Eve,
all pirate radio stations, including, of course, Radio Rock,
will be breaking the law.
Everyone who works on them, and indeed everyone who listens to them,
will be in contravention of the new law and risk prison sentences,
both short and long.
Carl.
You okay?
Yeah, just...
A few months ago, I made a terrible mistake.
Really? Yeah.
'Cause I realized something.
And instead of crushing the thought the moment it came, I...
I let it hang on and...
Now I know it to be true.
And I'm afraid it's stuck in my head forever.
What was the thought?
That these are the best days of our lives.
It's a terrible thing to know, but I know it.
I don't know about that.
Oh!
Well, yeah. Yeah.
Maybe you'll be lucky.
Maybe you'll... You'll have better days, but I doubt it.
We stood on top of the mountain, compadre.
And it's a long way doobie-doobie down.
The day has come.
Tonight, pirate radio dies.
From midnight, we are a ghost ship
floating without hope on cold, dark waters.
You have done almighty work here.
Thank you.
But your work
is done.
Not mine, sir.
I'm an American citizen, and I don't give a hootenanny God damn
about your nit-picking limey laws.
I intend to broadcast from this ship 24 hours a day
until the day I die.
And then for a couple days after that.
Not wanting to sound rude or anything,
but don't you think that might be an ever so slightly
monotonous experience for the listener?
What do you say to 12 hours each, noble sir?
The way I look at it,
the world couldn't survive without my comedy.
And who's going to have the moral backbone
to play The Seekers when the mood is right?
They've split up.
I intend to celebrate the back catalog.
I intend to stop you doing so.
As some of you know, my wife left me after 17 hours of marriage,
but I survived that because I... I live for music.
And now, with nothing else to live for,
I'm willing to die for it as well.
I've always lived for news and weather.
Happy to die for them, too.
Especially the weather.
Um...
I've got nowhere else to go.
I have somewhere else to go, but it's Peckham.
So I think I'll stick around.
Can't let everyone starve.
And I'm slightly worried where my increasingly powerful sexuality will take me
when I return to normal life.
I've got a very strong suspicion that Felicity fancies me.
Not about to go anywhere,
just when I'm in with a chance.
Obviously, I'm in.
You're the only people in the world who like me.
Thank you, gentlemen, lady.
Strange bearded thing.
But make no mistake, they will come after us.
Let them try.
COUNT So, faithful followers,
the end is nigh.
We bid you farewell with dignity and pride.
We thought we'd never die.
But, well, we can't fight city hall.
And so, take care, be good.
Listen to the music. It's a good thing to do.
It's The Count, counting down and out for the count at last.
Three, two, one...
And the rest is silence.
Well done.
Thank you, darling. Thank you, darling.
Good show, Dominic.
Well done, Twatt. Thank you, sir.
The Queen. Her Majesty's government.
The Queen.
Only kidding, dudes.
Let's rock!
(MY GENERATION PLAYING
Arse! Arse! Twatt! Arse!
Here he is.
All right, we had a good night.
But that thing you see shining through the window is the cold light of dawn.
And I don't want you all to imagine
that they won't be coming after us
with the full force of the law
to crush our testicles like grapes.
But don't despair completely, because I'm glad to tell you,
I've come up with quite a clever little plan.
You legend.
All hands on deck, eh.
Our leader. I just hope it works.
Of course it'll work.
Good night, Miss C.
Good night, sir.
D-Day for Radio Rock at last.
Indeed, sir.
That's D for death.
Since they're not ready to go willingly,
I'm afraid "very nasty" is our only option.
Move! Move! Move! Move!
POLICEMAN 21 Get out!
Found anything? Yes, sir.
What? What have you found?
Well, fish, sir.
I beg your pardon?
Mainly fish.
Can I help you, Officer?
You certainly can, yes.
What the hell are you doing here? Fishing, sir.
I mean, what are you doing here?
Here, where the Radio Rock ship always is and always has been anchored.
Can't say it rings a bell, sir.
What kind of boat is she?
Lobster, cod, tuna?
Oh, shut the fuck up!
This is obviously a trick and she's scarpered.
Now don't you get cocky, Captain Bird's Eye.
We are going to find these bastards, and when we do,
we are going to smash them!
Everybody out! We've got the wrong damn boat!
Ladies and gentlemen, we are on the move.
If they want to stop us, they are going to have to find us.
This is Radio Rock in motion, on the ocean.
We should have set sail years ago.
You're a very clever man. This is a very good plan.
What the fuck was that?
Pardon my French, ladies and gentlemen.
We've got a small hiccup onboard Radio Rock.
I now return you to The Small Faces.
Gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news.
Which would you prefer?
The good news. Let's have a bit of good news.
Good news.
Okay.
The good news is the engine has exploded and we're all going to die.
Right. Great. Perfect.
- Is he joking? - Hello.
Dr. Dave, Radio Rock. Um... How...
How's that good news?
I haven't yet told you how we're going to die. That's the bad news.
How are we gonna die?
We're going to drown in the freezing waters of the North Sea.
Shit.
Dearie me.
Actually, that's quite good for you, isn't it?
Because you can't swim, so you'll die quicker.
Apparently, there is a huge hole in the side of the boat,
and in an unfortunate development,
it transpires that the lifeboats are useless.
Sorry.
Oh, dear.
All right. All right. All right. All right.
I'm going to the studio.
This isn't going to happen.
A Radio Rock newsflash with John Mayford.
News coming in that the famous Radio Rock
has a large hole in its side and is therefore sinking into the North Sea.
Really quite fast.
So, a tiny crisis here.
So, if any of you out there knows anyone in Suffolk
with a boat of any shape or form, give them a ring.
Our coordinates are 53-17 north...
Sorry.
2-15 east.
Here's a rather long record.
I hope I'm here at the end of it.
Ah, I'm not sure we're in the right place at the right time.
You all right?
You're going the wrong way, mate.
I'm really scared.
Isn't anyone else really scared?
A bit. Up you go.
Foreigners. No backbone.
Yes?
I'm sorry to have to disturb you this late, sir...
What do you want, for heaven's sake?
It really is getting quite serious now, sir.
I'm asking permission to send our boats back to pick them up.
Absolutely not.
I absolutely could not justify the extra expenditure
when there are so many other problems
we need money for as a government,
both home and abroad.
They might die, sir.
Happens to the best of us, Twatt.
Happens to the very best of us.
Mighty-night.
Ah, Simon, have you got a... Yeah, okay.
Mark, well done. Come in.
And in those trousers. Not bad.
Thank you, John.
So, we'll be safe here for a while.
The captain thinks we've got till dawn before we go the full Titanic-
We've sent out an official distress call.
And I'm sure someone will rescue us soon.
Really?
- Really. - We're all right.
Can I just say something, then?
I know I'm not the most popular guy on the boat.
On the radio I'm fine.
In the flesh, there's something that people just don't warm to. I know.
But I just wanna say, the three years here,
I've been closer to finding friendship
than I've ever been in my life.
And I'd rather have had that and die
than not have had it and lived. I think.
Maybe not.
No, actually. I just... Ang. Ang, come on.
You're being ridiculous. Well...
Look, this isn't... I'm not popular.
No, that's... Every group needs a fall guy, Angy,
and yeah, sure, you've been it. But it's not...
It's just been a joke. You know?
I mean, look here, everybody who actually loves this nut,
raise their hands.
- See? - Ah!
- There we go. - Okay.
David?
Be honest.
Ah, one. Oh, okay.
Come on.
Wait a minute. Where's Bob?
Where's my dad?
We'll wait another minute. So who's broadcasting?
No one.
203 meters on the medium waveband is silent for the first time.
Oh, excuse my language, but fuck that sideways, sir.
Harold, after you.
Bob!
Dad?
Easy. Easy.
Just listening to a new track by the Grateful Dead.
No. I'm gonna have to stop you.
Hey, don't do that. Don't do that.
That's a bit of a space invasion, man.
Well, the thing is, Bob, the boat is actually sinking,
and if you listen to the end of this track, you will die.
Let's go.
Mind the hole.
Oh, no.
Thanks, man.
You're welcome.
Here. Hang on to me.
What are you doing here?
I was feeling guilty about sleeping with your girlfriend
twice in a night. Three times if you count a...
Hey, Bob. Hey.
Oh, dear.
That is not a good record.
What?
I think it's time we got the fuck out of here. Come on.
To all our listeners, this is what I have to say.
God bless you all.
And as for you bastards in charge, don't dream it's over.
Years will come, years will go,
and politicians will do fuck all
to make the world a better place.
But all over the world, young men and young women
will always dream dreams and put those dreams into song.
Nothing important dies tonight.
Just a few ugly guys on a crappy ship.
The only sadness tonight is that, in future years,
there'll be so many fantastic songs
that it will not be our privilege to play.
But, believe you me, they will still be written.
They will still be sung
and they will be the wonder of the world.
Hit it!
I think we better go.
Okay. Do what you gotta do.
Chicken.
Go ahead, Harold.
Well done, Bob.
Come on up, Bob. Well done.
Oh, my God.
So, tell us,
Mark, now we're at the very end.
What was your secret? Hmm?
How did you get all them girls?
Simple.
Don't say anything at all.
Nothing? Nothing.
Then, when the tension becomes too much to bear,
you "mat say, “How about h, then?“
"How about it, then?"
Fuck!
How about it? Well, how about this?
How about this situation here?
Try and fuck your way out of this one, Mark!
We're gonna die!
Come on, Harold!
We are gonna live forever!
So this is where the party is.
Dude, come on up. Relax, enjoy yourself. Good to see you, mate.
Come on.
You all right?
It's not...
It's not getting better.
GAVIN; This is it!
We are gonna die!
Wait!
What? A boat!
How big? How big a bloody boat?
It's not actually just one boat.
- Two boats? - Three boats?
It's ever so slightly more than three boats.
How many boats?
I think the technical term is a fuck load of boats.
They're everywhere!
Where's Bob?
Get in the drink.
Hang on.
Gavin!
Let's go! Let's go!
Gavin!
One, two, three.
Oh, I sure can't swim.
Grab it!
Simon, come over! I'm your number one fan!
Give me your hand.
Thank you. Thanks very much. Very good of you.
Angus "The Nut"! I'm alive!
Margaret!
Keep swimming, you're doing really well!
Carl! Marianne!
Carl!
I don't know what I would have done if anything had happened to you!
I listen to your show every single morning and...
Who are you?
I love you.
My name is on your boobies.
Wow!
Calm clown. There's plenty of Dr. Dave to go around.
Yeah!
My man!
Rock 'n' roll!
That's rock 'n' roll, baby!
Rock 'n' roll!
Very nice.
That's how you do it, isn't it?
Cheers, H. What's next?