- HERE'S SOMETHING I DON'T GET. - YOU'RE SO STUPID.
- WHILE MOST FOLKS MANAGE TO AVOID KILLING THEMSELVES,
SOME OF US JUST CAN'T WAIT.
- I AM GONNA GET SO LAID TONIGHT.
- LIKE THE GIRL WHO WENT GREEN.
- GET OUT!
- OR THE COP WHO HAD A NOSE FOR CRIME.
- LOOK AT THIS, LADIES, HUH? YEAH.
- THERE'S THE HIGH JUMPER WHO FAILED HER BAR EXAM.
- GET OUT!
- THE ANARCHIST WHO GOT HIS WIRES CROSSED.
- FOR I AM PROMETHEUS, AND I GIVE YOU FIRE.
- A MAD SCIENTIST WHO LIKED TO KILL THINGS.
- I'M THE MEAT MAN.
- AND A DRUG-CRAZED SUPERMARKET SHOPPER
WHOSE BRAIN WENT FROM PAPER TO PLASTIC.
- EVERYTHING IS BEING WATCHED.
- WE'RE THINNING THE HERD ON THE NEXT EPISODE...
- THIS IS GONNA BE KILLER.
- OF 1000 WAYS TO DIE.
DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.
MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT.
OTHERS CAN'T GET OUT OF ITS WAY.
EVERY DAY, WE FIGHT A NEW WAR AGAINST GERMS,
TOXINS, INJURY, ILLNESS,
AND CATASTROPHE.
THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS TO WIND UP DEAD.
THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVE AT ALL IS A MIRACLE.
BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE,
WE FACE 1000 WAYS TO DIE.
RICH GIRL SHARON AND HER BESTIE JULIE
JUST SHOPPED UNTIL THEIR CREDIT CARDS STOPPED.
- OH, I'M SO TIRED. - ME, TOO.
OH, MY GOSH! I CANNOT WAIT TO SHOW YOU THIS, THOUGH.
- THE ROOMIES WERE THROWING
A ST. PATTY'S DAY BASH THAT NIGHT,
AND SHARON WAS GOING GREEN.
IT WAS AN ANTIQUE DRESS OVER 100 YEARS OLD,
WORTH AT LEAST $3,000.
BUT IT WON'T SHOW UP ON SHARON'S STATEMENT.
- YOU STOLE IT?
- YEAH. I WASN'T GONNA PAY $3,000 FOR THIS,
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
- THE DRESS WAS MADE WITH A VINTAGE DYE
CALLED PARIS GREEN.
IT'S NO LONGER USED BECAUSE IT CONTAINED THE CHEMICAL
COPPER ACETOARSENITE,
WHICH WAS ALSO USED TO KILL RATS IN PARIS SEWERS.
- COPPER ACETOARSENITE
IS WHAT GAVE PARIS GREEN THAT VIVID GREEN COLOR.
GREEN BECAME A VERY POPULAR COLOR IN FASHION
IN PARIS DURING THE 1800s.
GIRLS THAT WORKED AT PLACES LIKE THE MOULIN ROUGE
LOVED TO WEAR BRIGHT COLORS.
- THE SHOPLIFTING TART WASN'T DONE STEALING YET.
- AND THIS DRESS, IT'S GONNA HELP ME GET INTO STEVE'S PANTS.
- ISN'T HE WITH LAUREN? - NOT AFTER TONIGHT.
WHOO! I AM GONNA GET SO LAID TONIGHT!
- ST. PATTY WOULD'VE BEEN PROUD.
GREEN CLOTHES, GREEN BEER, GREEN DRINKS.
AS THE PARTY RAGED ON, SHARON MADE HER MOVE ON STEVE,
HER FRIEND LAUREN'S BOYFRIEND.
- DO YOU WANT TO BE WITH THAT PENNILESS SKANK,
OR THIS RICH BITCH?
- THE PRICE WAS RIGHT FOR BOY-TOY STEVE.
LAUREN GOT SOME BUBBLY REVENGE, AND THEN EVERYONE JOINED IN.
- I'M GREEN!
all: GREEN! GREEN! GREEN!
- THE NEXT MORNING, NOTHING BUT CARNAGE.
THE PARTYGOERS AWOKE TO PARALYZING HANGOVERS.
OVERNIGHT, SHARON HAD TRANSFORMED
FROM BITCH TO WITCH.
- GET THIS OFF OF ME! - I'M TRYING!
- AND THEN SHE THREW UP
ALL THE GREEN DRINKS SHE HAD SUCKED DOWN.
BUT SHE WASN'T JUST HUNGOVER. SHE WAS DYING.
SEEMS LIKE HER CHAMPAGNE BATH THE NIGHT BEFORE
SOAKED THROUGH HER DRESS, TURNING HER SKIN PARIS GREEN,
AND HER BODY ABSORBED A LETHAL AMOUNT OF COPPER ACETOARSENITE.
- ONCE THE COPPER ACETOARSENITE ENTERED THE CELLS,
IT WOULD SHUT DOWN THE ENERGY SYSTEM OF THE CELLS.
IN THE LUNGS, THIS WOULD CAUSE THEM TO STOP FUNCTIONING,
THE KIDNEYS AND LIVER WOULD SHUT DOWN,
AND THE SKIN WOULD BE UNABLE TO REGENERATE.
AT THIS POINT, SHE WOULD HAVE NAUSEA, VOMITING, DIARRHEA.
SHE MAY HAVE MUSCLE TWITCHING AND CONVULSIONS,
AND SHE WOULD ULTIMATELY PASS INTO A COMA AND DIE.
- SHARON HAD NO SCRUPLES.
- YOU STOLE IT? - YEAH.
- AND SHE HAD NO MORALS.
- DO YOU WANT THAT PENNILESS SKANK,
OR DO YOU WANT THIS RICH BITCH?
- BUT SHE FOUND OUT THAT EVEN ON ST. PATTY'S DAY,
IT AIN'T EASY BEING GREEN.
REMEMBER THE UNABOMBER?
THE ANTI-GOVERNMENT LOONY WHO TERRORIZED THE NATION
WITH MAIL BOMBS?
IF THAT HAD BEEN A MOVIE, MEET THE SEQUEL.
- EVERYTHING IS BEING WATCHED, ALL RIGHT?
- DAYLEN WAS AN ANGRY ANARCHIST
WHO FOUND CONSPIRACY EVERYWHERE HE LOOKED.
- DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THEY'RE DOING NOW?
THEY PUT MICROCHIPS IN YOUR SKULL SO THEY CAN FIND YOU.
NOW I KNOW SOMEBODY WHO IT HAPPENED TO ONCE.
GUESS WHAT? CANCER.
- HE AND HIS GIRLFRIEND ELAINE
LIVED OFF THE GRID IN A REMOTE SHACK
WITH A WALL OF CAR BATTERIES FOR POWER.
- PEOPLE LIVING OFF THE GRID WILL DO IT
BECAUSE THEY WANT TO GET AWAY.
THEY DON'T LIKE IT HERE ANYMORE.
THEY DON'T LIKE THE GOVERNMENT.
THEY DON'T WANT TO PAY BILLS.
THEY DON'T WANT TO BE PART OF THIS SOCIETY.
AND WHAT THEY DO IS THEY HEAVILY ARM THEMSELVES.
THEY GOT SUPPLIES. THEY GOT BASICALLY A SHELTER.
AND THEY GO OFF THE GRID, AND THEY STAY THERE.
- AREN'T YOU DONE WITH THOSE MOLOTOV COCKTAILS YET?
- DAYLEN HAD GROWN INCREASINGLY UNSTABLE,
AND WAS PLANNING ON FIREBOMBING A FEDERAL COURTHOUSE.
- WHAT ARE WE DOING WITH THEM ANYWAYS?
ARE WE GONNA HURT PEOPLE WITH THIS?
- ELAINE WAS READY TO DITCH THIS RAGING MANIAC,
AND THEN DAYLEN DID HER THE FAVOR.
- NOBODY QUESTIONS MY METHODS! GET OUT!
- BEFORE SETTING OFF ON HIS REIGN OF TERROR,
DAYLEN HAD ONE LAST TASK TO COMPLETE--
HIS MANIFESTO.
HE PLUGGED HIS OLD SCHOOL MIMEOGRAPH
INTO HIS JERRY-RIGGED POWER PLANT.
BUT CROSSED WIRES CAUSED A POWER SURGE,
AND DAYLEN GOT HIS FIRST BATH IN WEEKS...
OF BATTERY ACID.
- THE WAY A BATTERY WORKS,
IT'S USUALLY A CONTAINER OF PLASTIC
THAT HAS DIFFERENT MATERIALS INSIDE,
AND THEN THEY PUT IT IN SULFURIC ACID,
AND THAT CREATES ELECTRICITY.
THE OFF-GAS IS, OF COURSE, HYDROGEN GAS,
AND IF ANYBODY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HYDROGEN DOES,
ALL YOU HAVE THINK BACK IS THE HINDENBURG
WAS FILLED WITH HYDROGEN.
SO HE COULD'VE HAD A LARGE CHARGE OF HYDROGEN GAS IN THERE.
IF HE HAD A LOOSE CONNECTION ON ANY ONE OF THOSE BATTERIES,
IT WOULD CREATE A SMALL SPARK, AND THAT WOULD'VE BEEN
ONE OF THE NASTIEST EXPLOSIONS YOU COULD HAVE.
- THIRD DEGREE BURNS FROM THE SULFURIC ACID,
AND THE CONCUSSIVE BLAST WERE A DEATH-DEALING COMBINATION.
DAYLEN'S DREAM OF BECOMING THE NEXT UNABOMBER
TURNED INTO A...
UNABUMMER.
COMING UP... - YOU ARE GOING ALL THE WAY.
I KNOW IT. I CAN FEEL IT.
- A FLIRTY BLOND MEETS A TRACK STAR.
AND... - I'M SICK OF THIS--
- A BAD COP DOES BAD THINGS TO HIMSELF.
- OH!
- WHEN THE OLYMPICS COME TO TOWN,
LOCAL BUSINESS OWNERS GET OLYMPIC FEVER.
- YOU ARE GOING ALL THE WAY. I KNOW IT. I CAN FEEL IT.
- LARRY HAD BEEN HIRED TO FIND A HOT HIGH JUMPER
FOR AN OLYMPIC-THEMED COMMERCIAL.
- LOOK AT THAT. LOOK AT THIS, LADIES, HUH? YEAH.
- IT DIDN'T TAKE HIM LONG TO ZERO IN ON THE BLONDE.
- IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU. AND YOU GUYS. BUT MOSTLY YOU.
- JESSE HAD PROMISED LARRY
SHE WAS HIS FOR THE TAKING. IF SHE GOT THE PART.
BEFORE LARRY COULD GET INSIDE JESSE'S LYCRA,
HE HAD TO CONVINCE MR. BUSINESSMAN
SHE WAS THE RIGHT ONE FOR HIS COMMERCIAL.
- CAN SHE HIGH JUMP? - CAN SHE HIGH JUMP?
LOOK AT THAT. PUT THAT IN YOUR MIND.
'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT SHE DOES.
- THE MOMENT OF TRUTH.
JESSE COULD FLIRT, BUT COULD SHE FLY?
SHE CLEARED THE BAR WITH EASE.
BUT MISSED THE MAT ON HER LANDING.
SHE GOT UP A LITTLE WOOZY,
AND WOUND UP IN THE FAST LANE
OF AN ONCOMING LONG JUMPER.
HE GOT UP. BUT JESSE? NOT SO LUCKY.
NORMALLY A COLLISION LIKE THIS WOULD HURT, NOT KILL.
BUT JESSE'S DEATH TABLE HAD BEEN SET AFTER HER HARD LANDING.
- WHEN THIS GIRL FELL DOWN,
SHE HAD A HAIRLINE FRACTURE.
HOWEVER, WHEN THE RUNNER HIT INTO HER,
THIS BONE, WHICH WAS ALREADY FRAGILE AND COMPROMISED,
NOW DISLOCATED.
WHEN THAT HAPPENED, OTHER IMPORTANT ORGANS
SUCH AS THE SPINAL CORD COULD HAVE BEEN SEVERED,
AND YOU LOSE CONTROL OF MANY LIFE-SUSTAINING ACTIVITIES
IN THE ORGANS, AND AS A RESULT,
IMPORTANT BODY FUNCTIONS SHUT DOWN,
AND YOU CAN NO LONGER LIVE.
- JESSE WOULD SLEEP WITH ANYONE FOR A PART.
- YOU ARE GOING ALL THE WAY.
- SHE USED HER GOOD LOOKS AND HOT BODY
AS A SEXUAL COMMODITY.
BUT THEN HER STOCK CRASHED, AND SHE GOT...
- NO, WAIT, WAIT! - AAH! UNH!
- WIPED OUT.
THERE'S NOTHING WORSE THAN A BAD COP.
MEET OFFICER DAN.
- GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE. LEAVE THE BEERS.
- HE DRANK ON THE JOB,
SQUEEZED DRUG DEALERS FOR THEIR STASH,
AND NEVER MET A BRIBE HE DIDN'T TAKE.
99% OF ALL COPS ARE HEROES
WHO PUT THEIR LIVES ON THE LINE EVERY SINGLE DAY.
BUT THERE IS A 1% WHO WIND UP BEING CHARGED
WITH A SERIOUS OFFENSE.
THESE BAD COPS ARE A DISGRACE TO THEIR UNIFORM,
AND ARE A DETRIMENT TO SOCIETY.
TODAY OFFICER DAN WAS STUCK WITH HIS MOST HATED DETAIL--
BABYSITTING PUNKS
DOING COMMUNITY SERVICE-- GRAFFITI REMOVAL.
- PAINT, PAINT, PAINT! - RELAX, RELAX, MAN.
- WE'RE WORKING AS HARD AS WE CAN.
- OFFICER DAN WAS SUCH A LOSER
HE THOUGHT HE'D PASS THE TIME GETTING HIGH
ON THE PUNKS' SUPPLY OF PAINT THINNER.
- THE CHEMICAL NAME OF A PAINT THINNER
IS OFTEN REFERRED TO AS TOLUENE.
AND THAT ENTERS DIRECTLY THROUGH YOUR LUNGS
INTO YOUR CIRCULATORY SYSTEM,
AND THAT'S HOW IT ALSO REACHES THE BRAIN.
THAT MAKES PEOPLE HAVE SLURRED SPEECH, DIZZINESS,
DELUSIONS, IMPAIRED JUDGMENT,
AND ALSO LOSS OF CONTROL OF MOTOR SKILLS.
- I'M SICK OF THIS--
- THE PAINT FUMES WORKED THEIR TWISTED MAGIC,
OFFICER DAN WAS DANGEROUSLY OUT OF HIS GOURD.
DAN WAS LUCKY THE GUN DIDN'T GO OFF.
BUT WHEN HE PICKED IT UP... NOT SO LUCKY.
HE JUST WENT FROM BAD COP TO DEAD COP.
THE BULLET PASSED THROUGH DAN'S HEAD,
RUPTURING BLOOD VESSELS, CAUSING HEMATOMAS, EDEMA,
AND AN ABRUPT INCREASE IN INTRACRANIAL PRESSURE.
IN OTHER WORDS, HE BLEW HIS FRICKIN' BRAINS OUT.
- OH!
- A BAD COP IS A BLIGHT UPON SOCIETY.
THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO SERVE AND PROTECT,
NOT USE AND ABUSE.
OFFICER DAN DID EVERYONE A FAVOR...
BY TAKING HIMSELF OUT.
IT'S HARD TO HATE A GUY IN A WHEELCHAIR.
UNLESS THAT GUY IS HARRY.
- SIR, CAN YOU SPARE A DOLLAR FOR A GULF VET?
- HE WAS NO VET.
- UH, WAIT, SIR? I HAVE SOME KIDS.
CAN YOU SPARE A LITTLE MORE?
- AND HE WASN'T REALLY CRIPPLED.
HIS WEAK ANKLES FINALLY GAVE OUT
TRYING TO SUPPORT HIS FAT LARD-BUTT BODY.
- I NEED A LITTLE MORE THAN THAT.
- HE WAS A SYMPATHY-SUCKING PARASITE.
- SEE WHAT I GOT TODAY.
- AND THE SUCKING WAS GOOD.
- I NEVER NOTICED HOW MUCH STUPID PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD.
- THE PROBLEM WAS, HARRY WAS SUCH A TOTAL DISGUSTING
NEVER-WASHED-A-DISH- IN-HIS-LIFE SLOB
THAT THERE WAS ANOTHER PARASITE TO WORRY ABOUT--
MAGGOTS.
- WHAT A MAGGOT IS, TECHNICALLY SPEAKING,
IS THE LARVAE OF A FLY
THAT DOESN'T HAVE CHEWING MOUTHPARTS,
AND THAT'S ABOUT 100,000 DIFFERENT SPECIES.
SO THEY'RE USUALLY FOUND IN ENVIRONMENTS
WHERE THEY CAN FEED ON FOOD
THAT'S EITHER LIQUID OR SEMISOLID.
- MAGGOTS ENJOY FEASTING ON SOMETHING ROTTEN,
AND THERE WAS NOTHING MORE ROTTEN THAN HARRY.
- OH, GOD, THEY'RE COVERING MY BACK.
- THEY HAD BEEN MAKING A NICE YUMMY HOME
ON HARRY'S BEDSORES FOR WEEKS.
- A SPECIES OF MAGGOTS THAT YOU WOULD FIND
IN A HUMAN WOUND WOULD BE SORT OF LIKE
THE VULTURES OF THE INSECT WORLD.
THEY'LL CLEAN UP THE INFECTED TISSUE,
THEY'LL CONSUME THE BACTERIA, AND IN THE RIGHT CIRCUMSTANCES,
THAT'S ACTUALLY A BENEFICIAL THING.
- BEING EATEN ALIVE BY MAGGOTS
GOT HARRY TO DO SOMETHING HE HADN'T DONE IN YEARS:
GET UP.
HE SQUIRMED OFF HIS CHAIR AND COLLAPSED, DEAD.
DEATH BY MAGGOTS?
NOPE. THEY WERE JUST GETTING A FREE MEAL.
HARRY DIED FROM MASSIVE HEART FAILURE.
BAD DIET AND NO EXERCISE CLOGGED HIS ARTERIES
TO THE POINT WHERE HIS TICKER COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
PRETTY DUMB WAY TO DIE.
BUT IN HARRY'S CASE, BEGGARS CAN'T BE CHOOSERS...
YA MAGGOT.
UP NEXT... - YEAH, GET SOME!
- ATTENTION, SHOPPERS!
SPECIAL ON LUNATICS IN AISLE EIGHT.
AND...
- A MAD SCIENTIST FINDS OUT HIS DEATH RAY WORKS.
- WHOA!
- YEAH! YEAH, GET SOME! LOOK AT ME NOW!
- ELROY IS WHAT'S KNOWN ON THE STREET AS "WET."
- WET, WET, WET, WET, WET.
- THAT MEANS HE'S BEEN SMOKING CIGARETTES
LACED WITH PCP, A BRAIN DAMAGING,
SCHIZOPHRENIA-INDUCING HALLUCINOGEN.
- THE CHEMICAL NAME FOR PCP
IS PHENYLCYCLOHEXYLPIPERIDINE.
PCP WAS FIRST SYNTHESIZED IN 1926,
AND LATER USED IN WORLD WAR II AS A SURGICAL ANESTHETIC.
BECAUSE IT HAD SEVERE ADVERSE EVENTS
SUCH AS HALLUCINATIONS AND MANIA, IT WAS NO LONGER USED.
- WITH HIS MIND TURNED UPSIDE-DOWN,
ELROY DOES THE SAME TO A SLEEPY GROCERY STORE.
- YEAH!
- CLEAN-UP ON AISLE THREE.
FOUR.
FIVE. - WHOO-HOO!
- THE RENT-A-COP'S TOO BUSY CHATTING UP THE BLUEHAIRS,
UNTIL ELROY MAKES ONE LAST MIS-STEAK
AT THE MEAT DEPARTMENT.
- I'M THE MEAT MAN. HA HA HA HA!
- HEY, YOU!
HEY, YOU WEIRDO, GET BACK HERE!
I'M GONNA BREAK YOU IN HALF, YOU LITTLE--
- THE DRUG-FUELED WILD MAN HAS NO TROUBLE
KEEPING OUT OF THE GEEZER GUARD'S CLUTCHES.
all: THERE HE IS, THERE HE IS! DOWN THERE! GET HIM!
- BUT THEN HE TRIPS
AND TURNS INTO A HUMAN BOWLING BALL...
AND SCORES A PERFECT STRIKE INTO A BEER DISPLAY.
- GOTCHA!
- WHEN HE SLID INTO THE STACK OF BEER KEGS,
THE COLLAPSE OF ALL THESE HEAVY WEIGHTS FALLING ON HIS HEAD,
CRUSHING HIS BRAIN AND HIS SKULL,
KILLED HIM INSTANTLY.
FORTUNATELY OR UNFORTUNATELY, HE WAS ON PCP,
AN ANESTHETIC, A HALLUCINOGENIC,
AND HE PROBABLY DIDN'T FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL.
HE WAS NUMB BEFORE HE WAS DEAD.
- WET, WET, WET, WET, WET.
- ELROY DESTROYED HIS MIND... - YEAH!
- AND THEN A SUPERMARKET...
- I'M THE MEAT MAN! WHOA!
- AND FINALLY HIMSELF.
- CLEAN-UP ON AISLE SIX.
- LIONEL WAS THE KIND OF KID
WHO ENJOYED PULLING WINGS OFF FLIES.
NOW THAT HE'S MATURED NICELY INTO A GEEKY, ANTISOCIAL MISFIT,
HE STILL WANTS TO KILL THINGS.
- THIS IS GONNA BE KILLER.
- THE HOMEMADE MAD SCIENTIST CAME UP
WITH A DESIGN FOR A SOLAR RAY
THAT WOULD PUT THE BURN ON ANYTHING HE AIMED AT.
- FOR I AM PROMETHEUS, AND I GIVE YOU FIRE.
- USING A PARABOLIC DISH
COVERED WITH HEAVY DUTY TINFOIL,
THE SUN'S RAYS WOULD FOCUS
INTO A LASER-LIKE BEAM OF DESTRUCTION.
- LIONEL WAITS UNTIL HIGH NOON
TO TEST OUT HIS WEAPON ON TOP OF HIS APARTMENT BUILDING.
HE STARTS OUT WITH A TOY SOLDIER WHO QUICKLY GOES INTO MELTDOWN.
THEN THE TWISTED SADIST TURNS IT ON THE INSECT WORLD.
FIRST A GRASSHOPPER, THEN A BUTTERFLY GET TOASTED.
- HEY, BUDDY.
- A VISIT FROM A CURIOUS NEIGHBOR
GIVES LIONEL A CHANCE TO TEST IT ON A HUMAN.
- FEELS REALLY GOOD, MAN. I WAS JUST DOING IT.
IT'S TOTALLY AWESOME. RIGHT THERE.
- OW! - YOU'RE SO STUPID.
- ALL THIS KILLING AND BURNING HAS MADE LIONEL HUNGRY.
- BEANS, BEANS, THE MUSICAL FRUIT,
THE MORE YOU EAT--WHOA!
- HE NEVER WAS MUCH OF A CHEF.
BUT WHAT'S THAT SMELL? SOMETHING'S STILL COOKING.
OH, IT'S LIONEL.
HOMIE'S WEAPON FOCUSED THE SUN
TO A SIZZLING 6,000 DEGREES.
WHEN LIONEL GOT KNOCKED OUT WITH HIS HEAD IN ITS PATH,
IT WAS LIKE RUNNING A MOLTEN PIECE OF STEEL
RIGHT THROUGH HIS BRAIN.
AFTER TWO MINUTES, IT EXPLODED HIS ARTERIES,
AND DESTROYED A FATAL AMOUNT OF BRAIN TISSUE.
HE WENT FROM BRAIN DEAD TO DEAD-DEAD.
LIONEL THOUGHT KILLING THINGS WAS FUN.
BUT IN THE END...
- WHOA!
WE GOT TO HAVE ALL THE FUN...
WATCHING HIM DIE.