male announcer: ARE YA HAVING TROUBLE SLEEPING?
- PLEASE, HELP!
announcer: ARE YA STUCK IN A RUT?
- HERE'S A QUARTER. CALL SOMEBODY THAT CARES.
announcer: THE FOLLOWING IDIOTS
HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO CURE EVERYTHING,
FROM WHOOPING COUGH TO CROTCH ROT.
- AAH!
- YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
announcer: WE GOT A HOUSE-SITTER WHO FLEW THE COOP...
- [screams]
- YOU GUYS STINK!
announcer: A FITNESS INSTRUCTOR WITH A CRUEL STREAK...
- [shouting]
announcer: A PRISONER WHO MADE A BREAK FOR IT...
- MOVE OUT THE WAY BEFORE I STICK 'IM!
announcer: A SLEEPWALKER WHO MADE A BIG SPLASH...
- YOU ARE NAUGHTY.
announcer: A SCULPTOR WHO TRIED TO MOUNT HIS OWN WORK.
- OW!
- NURSE?
announcer: AND FINALLY... [electricity zaps]
THE E.R. ROOM FROM HELL.
- GET SOME HELP HERE!
announcer: IF YOU'VE GOT THE DISEASE, WE'VE GOT THE CURE.
- THIS IS AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM!
announcer: IT'S THE NEXT EPISODE...
- THIS IS TOO MUCH STUFF.
- AAH!
announcer: OF 1000 WAYS TO DIE.
DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.
MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT.
OTHERS CAN'T GET OUT OF ITS WAY.
EVERY DAY, WE FIGHT A NEW WAR AGAINST GERMS,
TOXINS, INJURY,
ILLNESS, AND CATASTROPHE.
THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS TO WIND UP DEAD.
THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVE AT ALL IS A MIRACLE.
BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE, WE FACE...
announcer: FOR MOST OF US,
ART DOESN'T GO MUCH BEYOND WHAT YOU FIND IN A CENTERFOLD.
BUT WHAT IF THAT CENTERFOLD CAME TO LIFE?
THAT'S KINDA WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS FRUITCAKE, MARCEL.
- OH, YOU ARE NAUGHTY.
announcer: MARCEL WAS A SCULPTOR,
WHO SLAVED AWAY IN A COLD, UNHEATED STUDIO,
SACRIFICING EVERYTHING,
INCLUDING HIS MARRIAGE, FOR HIS ART.
- MARCEL!
announcer: HIS YOUNG WIFE NATALIE
WAS TIRED OF HIS NEGLECT.
- WHY ARE YOU NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO ME?
- THIS IS NOTHING! IT'S STONE!
I'M REAL!
- THIS IS REAL!
- I'M OUTTA HERE.
announcer: MARCEL DIDN'T NEED A WIFE.
HE WAS CONVINCED HIS STATUE WAS ALIVE.
AND HE WAS IN LOVE.
- AGALMATOPHILIA IS WHEN A MAN OR WOMAN
IS ATTRACTED TO A STATUE, OR DOLL, OR MANNEQUIN.
IN 1877, THERE IS A CASE OF A GARDENER
WHO WAS ATTEMPTING TO HAVE COITUS
WITH A STATUE OF VENUS DE MILO.
- THE FINAL ACT.
announcer: MARCEL WAS SO OBSESSED,
HE HAD CHIPPED OUT A CRUDE VAGINA,
AND NOW, SHE WAS READY.
IT WAS TIME TO PUT THE PENIS TO HIS VENUS.
- AH!
announcer: MARCEL DROVE HIS FLESH HAMMER
DEEP INSIDE HER MARBLE TUNNEL,
AND RODE HIS STONE-COLD LOVER TO EXHAUSTION.
WHEN HE AWOKE,
MARCEL DISCOVERED HIS GODDESS WASN'T DONE WITH HIM.
HE WAS SUFFERING FROM A CONDITION
KNOWN AS PRIAPISM,
WHICH IS WHEN AN ERECT PENIS
DOESN'T RETURN TO ITS FLACCID STATE.
HE WAS STUCK.
- AAH!
HELP!
announcer: AFTER AN HOUR OF STRUGGLING,
MARCEL WAS STARTING TO PANIC.
HE NEEDED TO FREE HIMSELF
...NOW.
WITH ONE LAST HERCULEAN EFFORT,
HE POPPED THE DORK CORK,
AND TUMBLED OFF THE TABLE.
- FINALLY!
announcer: FREE AT LAST.
- [screams]
announcer: OUCH.
- THIS GUY EXPERIENCED FLAIL CHEST,
IN WHICH AN ENTIRE SECTION OF THE RIBCAGE
BECAME COMPLETELY DETACHED FROM THE REST OF THE THORACIC CAVITY.
THIS RESULTED IN MASSIVE HEMOTHORAX,
WHICH IS BLOOD FILLING THE CHEST CAVITY.
IT PREVENTS THE LUNGS FROM FILLING WITH AIR,
THUS RESULTING IN SUFFOCATION.
announcer: MARCEL'S DEMISE
OFFERS UP A LESSON FOR ALL US GUYS.
- AAH!
announcer: REAL OR NOT...
- [screams]
announcer: THEY GOT US BY THE SHORT HAIRS.
NOWADAYS, IF YOU WANT TO GET IN SHAPE,
YOU DON'T GO JOGGING...
- [whistles] [bleep].
YOU SIGN UP FOR AN EXTREME FITNESS BOOT CAMP.
- MOVE IT, MOVE IT, MOVE IT, MOVE IT, MOVE IT!
announcer: SERGEANT STU'S "WATER TORTURE" CLASS
WAS ONE OF THE MOST ABUSIVE.
- YOU GUYS STINK!
- THE ONLY TIME I THINK IT WOULD BE DANGEROUS
FOR A CLIENT TO BE TRAINED BY A PERSONAL TRAINER
IS WHEN THE PERSONAL TRAINER DOES NOT KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING.
HOWEVER, AN EXPERT LIKE MYSELF--
ME PUSHING THEM BEYOND THEIR PHYSICAL CAPABILITIES--
THAT ISN'T DANGEROUS AT ALL.
YES, MY CLIENTS PUKE.
HOWEVER, THAT'S JUST THEIR BODY ADAPTING TO CHANGE,
SOMETHING THEY'RE NOT USED TO.
announcer: ONE OF SERGEANT STU'S
FAVORITE TORTURE TECHNIQUES--
HE'D JACK UP THE THERMOSTAT ON THE POOL'S HEATER
TO DOUBLE THE SUFFERING INDEX.
- IT'S A FREAKING HOT TUB IN HERE.
- IT IS NOT, THE WATER'S FINE!
THIS IS AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM!
announcer: SERGEANT SADIST DECIDED THIS GIRLS' CLASS
WAS GETTING TOO WHINY.
SO HE DECIDED TO SHOW THEM HOW IT'S DONE.
- WE ARE GONNA HAVE AN ENDURANCE RACE.
IF ANY ONE OF YOU WIN, WE'RE DONE FOR THE DAY!
- READY...
SET...
GO!
announcer: STU GOT OUT TO A QUICK START.
BUT AFTER A FEW LAPS,
THE GIRLS LEFT HIM IN THEIR WAKE.
20 LAPS LATER, THE EXHAUSTED BOOTY CAMPERS
CRAWLED FROM THE POOL.
BUT WHERE WAS STU?
HE WAS DOING A GOOD IMPRESSION OF A GOLDFISH--
THE KIND YOU WIND UP FLUSHING DOWN THE TOILET.
- DURING EXERCISE, 70% OF ENERGY
GOES TOWARDS COOLING DOWN THE MUSCLES AS SWEAT.
IN A POOL THAT IS 80 DEGREES OR HIGHER,
THE SKIN DOESN'T HAVE THE ABILITY TO COOL ITSELF DOWN.
HE EXPERIENCED HYPERTHERMIA,
MORE COMMONLY KNOWN AS HEATSTROKE.
announcer: STU'S DECISION TO WEAR A FULL-BODY SWIMSUIT
CAUSED HIM TO RETAIN HEAT,
AND GO INTO HYPERTHERMIA EVEN QUICKER.
HIS BRAIN OVERHEATED,
AND THREW HIS HEART INTO OVERDRIVE.
HIS STUDENTS DIDN'T NOTICE HE WAS DYING...
UNTIL HE WAS DEAD.
- GIVE ME 50.
announcer: LET THIS BE A LESSON FOR ALL YOU FITNESS FREAKS.
TAKE IT SLOW...
- YOU GUYS ARE TERRIBLE!
announcer: AND EASY...
- GO!
announcer: OR YOU MIGHT WIND UP LIKE STU...
DEAD IN THE WATER.
announcer: COMING UP...
all: [shouting]
announcer: NOTHING LIKE A GOOD PRISON RIOT
TO GET THE BLOOD FLOWING.
AND... - ONLY HALF OF IT'S UP.
WHOA!
announcer: THIS GUY LIKES TO GET A HEAD START ON THE HOLIDAYS.
announcer: WIND UP IN A STATE PEN,
AND YOU JUST MIGHT FIND YOURSELF WITH A ROOMMATE LIKE SPIDER.
- YOU SEE THAT? - YES.
- YOU GONNA GET TO KNOW IT REAL WELL.
announcer: SPIDER WAS A STONE-COLD KILLER,
AND IF HE WANTED YOU TO DO SOMETHING, YOU DID IT.
- YES, SPIDER. I KNOW THE RULES.
- YEAH, I BET YOU DO KNOW THE RULES.
announcer: LATELY, TENSION AMONG THE INMATES
HAD RISEN TO A BOILING POINT.
UNTIL...
IT BLEW.
[alarm sounding]
[all shouting]
announcer: IT WAS A FULL-ON RIOT,
AND THE ONCE-ABUSIVE GUARDS WERE NOW ON THE RECEIVING END.
- GET IN THERE!
- ONE OF THE MOST VIOLENT PRISON RIOTS IN U.S. HISTORY
WAS THE NEW MEXICO 1980 PRISON RIOT,
WHERE 33 INMATES GOT KILLED.
12 CORRECTIONS OFFICERS GOT TAKEN HOSTAGE.
SEVEN OF THOSE ENDED UP IN THE HOSPITAL
FOR INJURIES STEMMING FROM RAPE AND BEATINGS.
all: [shouting] - GET HIM!
announcer: ALL THROUGHOUT THE PRISON,
RIOTERS AND GUARDS WERE LOCKED IN BATTLE.
- AAH!
[all shouting]
announcer: SPIDER SAT IN HIS CELL LIKE A BAD BOY BUDDHA.
HE WAS PLAYING IT COOL, WAITING TO MAKE HIS MOVE.
HE MADE A SHIV OUT OF A SHARPENED SCREWDRIVER.
AND THEN...
HE POUNCED.
THE REST OF THE INMATES IN HIS CELL BLOCK MOVED OUT,
LEAVING SPIDER AND HIS PRISONER FACING A GROUP OF GUARDS
IN RIOT GEAR AND ARMED WITH TEAR-GAS GUNS.
- ALL RIGHT, LET HIM GO!
- MOVE OUT THE WAY BEFORE I STICK 'IM!
announcer: IT WAS A STAND-OFF,
TILL ONE OF THE GUARDS FIRED OFF A TEAR-GAS CANISTER.
IT WAS A LUCKY SHOT.
RIGHT IN THE NECK.
HE DROPPED TO THE FLOOR, AND NEVER GOT UP.
- WHEN THE 44-MILLIMETER CANISTER,
TRAVELING AT A RATE OF 350 FEET PER SECOND,
STRUCK HIS TRACHEA AND COLLAPSING IT,
IT SHUT DOWN HIS AIRWAY COMPLETELY,
RESULTING IN IMMEDIATE DEATH.
announcer: PRISON LIFE CAN BE PRETTY BRUTAL.
- AAH!
announcer: ESPECIALLY WITH BRUTES LIKE SPIDER.
- ALL RIGHT, LET HIM GO!
announcer: HE TRIED TO BUST OUT,
BUT WOUND UP...
LIGHTS OUT.
announcer: YOU KNOW THIS GUY.
AS SOON AS THE CALENDAR PAGE TURNS TO NOVEMBER,
HE'S GOT HIS CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP,
SUCKING MAJOR MEGAWATTS.
- IT'S NOT EVEN DECEMBER YET, MAN.
- OH, SCREW YOU.
THERE'S A QUARTER. CALL SOMEBODY THAT CARES.
GET OUTTA HERE.
- BY 1900s, BUSINESSES STARTED PUTTING UP CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
INSIDE THEIR INTERIOR WINDOWS TO DRAW IN SHOPPERS.
UNFORTUNATELY, THE AVERAGE PERSON AND FAMILY
COULDN'T AFFORD CHRISTMAS LIGHTS TILL 1930s.
THAT'S WHY EVERYBODY USED TINSEL.
MY NORMAL ELECTRIC BILL, ONLY ABOUT 150 BUCKS A MONTH.
CHRISTMASTIME, IT GOES UP TO ALMOST 600 BUCKS.
announcer: IT WAS NEVER ENOUGH FOR THE CHRISTMAS-TURBATOR.
- THIS IS TOO MUCH STUFF! LOOK AT THIS!
announcer: BUT IT WAS FOR HIS WIFE.
- ONLY HALF OF IT'S UP.
- HALF OF IT HAS GOT TO COME DOWN,
OR I'M GOING TO STAY WITH MY SISTER.
THIS IS TOO MUCH!
- WELL, THE CAR IS OVER THERE. PLEASE GO AHEAD.
announcer: NED ACTUALLY HATED CHRISTMAS,
BUT HE LOVED MAKING THE NEIGHBORS MAD.
THIS YEAR'S IMPROVEMENT
ON HIS HOLIDAY ASSAULT INSTALLATION--
A WINDOW-RATTLING SOUND SYSTEM,
BLASTING OUT CHRISTMAS CHEER.
- GIMME SOME SOUND. [scratchy fuzz on speakers]
WHOA!
[yells]
announcer: NED GOT AN EARLY CHRISTMAS PRESENT...
HIS LIFE.
THE SPEAKER WIRE WRAPPED AROUND HIS ANKLE
AND SPARED HIM THE FRACTURED SKULL.
BUT NOW HE WAS STUCK...
- HELP!
announcer: AND HIS BOOMING CHRISTMAS MUSIC
WAS DROWNING OUT HIS FEEBLE CRIES.
NED STARTED SWINGING.
AND THEN HIS HEAD MET AN IMMOVABLE OBJECT.
[thumping]
A FEW MORE VIOLENT THUMPS, AND HE WENT FROM HOLIDAZED...
- OW!
announcer: TO HOLI-DEAD.
AFTER HANGING UPSIDE-DOWN FOR 15 MINUTES,
NED'S BRAIN WAS GORGED WITH BLOOD.
THEN THE REPEATED POUNDING
CAUSED HIS NOW-WEAKENED BRAIN ARTERIES
TO HEMORRHAGE.
WITHIN MINUTES, HE WAS IN A COMA,
AND DEATH CAME SOON AFTER.
EVERY YEAR, NED TURNED THE HOLIDAYS INTO A LIVING HELL.
- OH, SCREW YOU.
announcer: UNTIL FATE FINALLY STEPPED IN.
- WHOA!
[yells]
announcer: AND PULLED... [thumps]
HIS PLUG.
[doorbell rings]
announcer: THE MESA FAMILY WAS GOING ON A TRIP,
AND THEY HIRED LINDSEY TO HOUSESIT.
THEY FOUND LINDSEY ONLINE.
SHE SEEMED DEPENDABLE.
- YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
announcer: THEY HAD ONLY ONE REQUEST...
- ABSOLUTELY NO GUESTS.
- UNDERSTANDABLE. - OKAY?
announcer: BUT AS SOON AS THE COUPLE WERE HISTORY,
- SEE YA IN TWO WEEKS.
announcer: LINDSEY GOT BUSY.
- HEY, BABY. COME OVER. THEY JUST LEFT.
announcer: MINUTES LATER, SHE AND HER BOYFRIEND MIKE
WERE SOILING THE SHEETS.
BUT THEN...
- [squawks]
announcer: A VOICE.
- IT'S A QUESTION OF HONOR.
announcer: THE MESAS HAD FORGOTTEN
TO TELL LINDSEY ABOUT THEIR COCKATOO.
- ALL RIGHT, THAT'S JUST WEIRD.
- DO YOU NOT WANNA MAKE OUT WITH ME RIGHT NOW?
announcer: LINDSEY DIDN'T CARE.
announcer: SHE STILL WANTED MIKE'S COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO.
- [squawks] GET ON HER, AND STAY ON HER!
- ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA GO GET A BEER. THIS IS AWKWARD.
- IT'S JUST A BIRD. I--
- THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF BIRDS.
ONLY SOME OF THESE CAN ACTUALLY HAVE, UM--
MIMIC HUMAN SPEECH.
FOR EXAMPLE, THE ONES WE KNOW ARE THE PARROTS.
THAT'S EVERYTHING FROM THE MACAWS DOWN TO THE COCKATIELS.
I THINK THERE'S ONE BIRD THAT KNOWS--
I THINK IT'S 1,000 WORDS IN ITS VOCABULARY.
THAT'S A HUGE AMOUNT.
THAT'S MORE THAN THOSE HIGH SCHOOL KIDS IN SOME COUNTRIES.
announcer: LINDSEY THOUGHT A CRACKER MIGHT SHUT POLLY'S BEAK.
- AAH!
EFF YOU, BIRD!
I HATE YOU!
OH, NO! YOU BIRD!
announcer: LINDSEY WAS SCREWED
IF SHE DIDN'T GET THE BIRD BACK IN ITS CAGE.
- COME HERE.
OH, YOU ARE SO ANNOYING.
announcer: SHE ALMOST GOT HIM.
BUT THEN THE PARROT TOOK WING.
- [squawks]
GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, YOU DIRTY SKANK!
- AAH!
announcer: LINDSEY TOOK OFF.
- [screams]
- WHEN SHE FELL ONTO THE GLASS TABLE,
CUTTING HER CAROTID ARTERY,
BLOOD WAS GOING FROM HER HEART,
DIRECTLY THROUGH HER CAROTID ARTERY,
AND OUT ONTO THE GROUND.
BECAUSE OF THE ADRENALINE RELEASED INTO HER BODY,
HER HEART RATE WAS ACCELERATED IMMENSELY,
SO THEREFORE, SHE LOST BLOOD EVEN FASTER
THAN SHE WOULD HAVE NORMALLY.
announcer: LINDSEY LIED TO GET INTO PEOPLE'S HOUSES.
- YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
OH!
announcer: BUT AFTER SHE LOST THE HOMEOWNERS' COCKATOO...
- AAH!
announcer: FATE STEPPED IN... - [screams]
announcer: AND FLIPPED HER THE BIRD.
- [squawks] YOU'RE DEAD.
announcer: UP NEXT...
A SLEEPWALKER HAS A WET DREAM...
AND... - [groans]
announcer: HOSPITALS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN GREAT PLACES TO DIE.
- [screaming]
announcer: JESSICA IS ONE OF 24 MILLION PEOPLE
IN THE UNITED STATES WHO SLEEPWALK.
SLEEPWALKERS GET UP DURING THE SLOW WAVE SLEEP STAGE
AND PERFORM DIFFERENT ACTIVITIES.
JESSICA'S FAVORITE SLEEPWALKING ACTIVITY--SLEEP EATING.
- IN A SLEEP-RELATED EATING DISORDER,
A PERSON WILL GET UP AND THEN EAT A VARIETY
OF FOODS, SOME OF WHICH YOU WOULD NEVER PUT TOGETHER.
THEY'LL CHOP THINGS UP IN A VERY DANGEROUS WAY.
PEOPLE HAVE LOST THEIR FINGERS,
BECAUSE AS THEY'RE EATING THE FOOD,
THEY'RE ACTUALLY ASLEEP,
AND THEY DON'T KNOW THEY'RE DOING IT.
announcer: JESSICA WAS VERY HEALTH-CONSCIOUS,
AND STOCKED ONLY RAW VEGGIES AND SALADS.
TONIGHT, HER SUBCONSCIOUS WAS CRAVING SOMETHING ELSE.
- CHOCOLATE.
announcer: ANOTHER THING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT JESSICA--
SHE LIVED ON A BOAT.
THE HUNGRY SLEEPER SET OUT FOR HER NOCTURNAL MEAL...
AND STEPPED RIGHT INTO THE BRINY DEEP.
THERE'S ONE LAST THING THAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT JESSICA.
ALTHOUGH SHE LIVED ON A BOAT, SHE COULDN'T SWIM.
WHILE STILL ASLEEP, SHE BREATHED IN ENOUGH WATER
TO START THE DROWNING PROCESS.
BY THE TIME SHE AWOKE, HER LUNGS WERE COMPLETELY FILLED.
SHE WENT INTO HYPOXIC CONVULSIONS,
FOLLOWED BY UNCONSCIOUSNESS, AND THEN DEATH.
JESSICA WAS A SLEEPWALKER,
A SLEEP EATER, AND THEN A SLEEP DROWNER.
TOO BAD SHE DIDN'T LIVE IN THE DESERT.
- AAH!
[siren wails]
announcer: UH-OH.
WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?
ANOTHER CANDIDATE FOR A 1000 WAYS TO DIE STORY...
A DRUNK DRIVER.
HE WON'T LIVE LONG WITH THAT STEERING WHEEL IN HIS GUT.
- AAH!
announcer: OH, WELL. THAT'S LIFE.
YOU KNOW, EVERY DAY AROUND THE WORLD,
APPROXIMATELY 150,000 PEOPLE DIE.
- PLEASE HELP!
announcer: IF YOU'RE NOT A COMPLETE IDIOT,
YOU WON'T WIND UP LIKE THIS BUNCH OF LOSERS
IN THIS HOSPITAL E.R. ROOM.
- NURSE?
announcer: THIS PERV WILL DIE FROM A BROKEN SODA BOTTLE
LODGED UP HIS BUTT.
THIS NUMB NUT PASSED OUT DRUNK ON HIS TABLE SAW,
AND CUT HIS OWN LEG OFF.
SHE FELL OFF A LADDER WHILE HOLDING A KNIFE.
HE HAD A GAS LEAK...
[electricity zaps]
AND LIT A MATCH.
NONE OF THEM WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT.
1000 WAYS TO DIE HAS A LOT OF FUN
MOCKING ALL THE DUMBASSES WHO MANAGE TO DIE...
- I'VE GONE BLIND, MABEL!
announcer: IN THE MOST IDIOTIC OF CIRCUMSTANCES.
BUT IDEALLY, THAT'S NOT HOW WE WANNA GO,
IS IT?
- [screams]
announcer: THERE ARE MORE DIGNIFIED WAYS TO CHECK OUT
OF LIFE'S HOTEL.
THIS WOMAN, FLOATING THROUGH THE E.R. ROOM,
IS OBLIVIOUS TO THE HELL AROUND HER.
SHE'S HERE TO VISIT HER FATHER, WHO'S DYING.
HE'S LED A LONG AND REWARDING LIFE,
AND WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR HIS FAMILY AND FRIENDS.
- DAD...
announcer: HIS DAUGHTER IS UNDERSTANDABLY SAD.
- ARE YOU OKAY?
- I'M FINE.
announcer: BUT SHE ALSO KNOWS IT'S HIS TIME TO GO.
IN THE END... - [screaming]
announcer: THE CHOICE IS YOURS.
- WAAH! [splats]
announcer: YOU CAN BE A TOTAL MORON...
- AAH!
announcer: DIE A VICTIM OF YOUR OWN STUPIDITY,
AND WIND UP ON OUR SHOW...
- I MADE YOU!
announcer: OR LIVE A LONG AND SENSIBLE LIFE
AND GO HOME AND WATCH IT.
ALL THIS TIME, 1000 WAYS TO DIE
HAS BEEN AN INSTRUCTIONAL MANUAL...
- AAH!
announcer: FOR HOW TO LIVE.