1 00:00:17,451 --> 00:00:19,587 HEY, YOU EVER READ THIS SCI-FI NOVEL SNOW CRASH? 2 00:00:19,687 --> 00:00:21,589 HAVE I EVER READ SNOW CRASH? YEAH. 3 00:00:21,689 --> 00:00:23,124 YEAH, LIKE FOR THE TENTH TIME 4 00:00:23,224 --> 00:00:24,125 AS I WAS WAITING FOR 5 00:00:24,225 --> 00:00:25,559 NEAL STEPHENSON TO SIGN MY COPY. 6 00:00:25,659 --> 00:00:26,694 OKAY SO THEN YOU KNOW THE CHARACTER, 7 00:00:26,794 --> 00:00:28,496 VITALY CHERNOBYL? 8 00:00:28,596 --> 00:00:31,099 UM, FRONT MAN FOR 9 00:00:31,199 --> 00:00:33,201 VITALY CHERNOBYL AND THE MELTDOWNS, 10 00:00:33,301 --> 00:00:36,104 PIONEER OF THE UKRAINIAN NUCLEAR FUZZ-GRUNGE MOVEMENT. 11 00:00:36,204 --> 00:00:37,105 ALL-AROUND BADASS. 12 00:00:37,205 --> 00:00:39,507 YES I KNOW VITALY CHERNOBYL. 13 00:00:39,607 --> 00:00:41,475 ALL RIGHT WELL, THEY'RE MAKING IT A MOVIE. 14 00:00:41,575 --> 00:00:43,311 THAT'S THE PART I'M GOING OUT FOR. 15 00:00:43,411 --> 00:00:44,312 NO. 16 00:00:44,412 --> 00:00:45,646 HELL YEAH. 17 00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:47,115 SO YOU GOTTA HELP ME WITH LIKE A TAKE ON THE CHARACTER. 18 00:00:47,215 --> 00:00:49,083 FUCK NO. WHY NOT? 19 00:00:49,183 --> 00:00:50,718 VITALY CHERNOBYL IS FUCKING AWESOME. 20 00:00:50,818 --> 00:00:52,520 YOU'RE SO WRONG. 21 00:00:52,620 --> 00:00:53,554 THAT'D BE LIKE IF IN "ALIENS" 22 00:00:53,654 --> 00:00:56,157 THEY HAD CAST KATE HUDSON TO PLAY RIPLEY. 23 00:00:56,257 --> 00:00:57,725 I WOULD ROOT FOR THE FUCKING ALIENS. 24 00:00:57,825 --> 00:00:59,160 OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU WANNA BE TURTLE 25 00:00:59,260 --> 00:01:01,562 OF MY ENTOURAGE, YOU GOTTA START BEING NICER TO ME. 26 00:01:01,662 --> 00:01:04,132 FUCK THAT, FUCK ENTOURAGE, 27 00:01:04,232 --> 00:01:06,600 AND I'D BE E, YOU'D BE TURTLE-- 28 00:01:06,700 --> 00:01:07,735 I'M THE VINCE MAN. 29 00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:09,002 NOW GET MY CAR, 30 00:01:09,103 --> 00:01:10,003 AND I'LL LET YOU FUCK MY LEFTOVERS. 31 00:01:10,104 --> 00:01:11,339 HENRY. 32 00:01:11,439 --> 00:01:15,209 WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO PUT THIS STEMWARE IN THE PREP TENT? 33 00:01:17,778 --> 00:01:19,547 (loud music) 34 00:01:20,781 --> 00:01:23,050 AH, 20 MINUTES LATE. 35 00:01:23,151 --> 00:01:24,285 YOU GONNA WRITE HIM UP, BOSS MAN? 36 00:01:24,385 --> 00:01:25,353 DON'T THINK I WON'T. 37 00:01:25,453 --> 00:01:27,355 I HAVE A VERY COMPLEX DEMERIT SYSTEM. 38 00:01:30,258 --> 00:01:33,294 DOES THE NEW GUY HAVE A DAUGHTER, TOO? 39 00:01:33,394 --> 00:01:35,463 YEAH. 40 00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:38,499 OH. 41 00:01:39,500 --> 00:01:40,801 YEAH, THEY'RE VERY CLOSE. 42 00:01:42,370 --> 00:01:44,572 * 43 00:01:53,414 --> 00:01:55,816 OKAY KYLE, YOU TAKE THE SOUTH LAWN BAR; 44 00:01:55,916 --> 00:01:57,185 I'LL TAKE THE NORTH. 45 00:01:57,285 --> 00:01:59,453 OKAY RON, YOU AND CASEY WILL SERVE. 46 00:01:59,553 --> 00:02:00,521 AND LYDIA, YOU AND ROMAN 47 00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:02,122 WILL HANDLE THE PREP WORK, OKAY? 48 00:02:02,223 --> 00:02:03,291 BUT, HENRY... 49 00:02:03,391 --> 00:02:04,292 OH, CAPTAIN, MY CAPTAIN. 50 00:02:04,392 --> 00:02:05,293 THAT'S GROSS. 51 00:02:05,393 --> 00:02:07,060 RON WHAT DO YOU NEED? 52 00:02:07,161 --> 00:02:08,462 WE GONNA PUT OUT THE TIP JAR TODAY? 53 00:02:08,562 --> 00:02:09,697 THERE'S A TIP JAR? 54 00:02:09,797 --> 00:02:10,731 WE GET TIPS? 55 00:02:10,831 --> 00:02:11,732 NOT SINCE HENRY TOOK OVER. 56 00:02:11,832 --> 00:02:13,167 (Ron) I'M JUST SAYING-- 57 00:02:13,267 --> 00:02:14,368 I'VE WORKED A BUNCH OF THESE SCHOOL AUCTIONS. 58 00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,204 AND PEOPLE JUST WANT TO SHOW OFF. 59 00:02:16,304 --> 00:02:17,471 YOU KNOW, SO THEY WAVE AROUND THEIR LINCOLNS 60 00:02:17,571 --> 00:02:18,472 AND THEIR HAMILTON'S. 61 00:02:18,572 --> 00:02:19,573 LIKE, "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! 62 00:02:19,673 --> 00:02:21,809 I OWN A HOTEL ON PARK PLACE!" 63 00:02:21,909 --> 00:02:23,477 YEAH RON, YOU'RE RIGHT, TIP JAR! 64 00:02:23,577 --> 00:02:25,446 YOU KNOW, TIP JAR! 65 00:02:25,546 --> 00:02:27,681 TIP JAR! TIP JAR! 66 00:02:27,781 --> 00:02:28,749 TIP JAR! 67 00:02:28,849 --> 00:02:31,219 NO, WE ARE NOT PUTTING OUT THE TIP JAR. 68 00:02:31,319 --> 00:02:32,220 WE'RE JUST GONNA GO WITH THE GUARANTEE. 69 00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:33,221 IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE? 70 00:02:33,321 --> 00:02:34,222 TIP JAR. 71 00:02:34,322 --> 00:02:35,489 YEAH, WHAT DO I KNOW? 72 00:02:35,589 --> 00:02:36,790 I'VE ONLY BEEN DOING THIS FOR LIKE EIGHT YEARS. 73 00:02:36,890 --> 00:02:38,392 WHAT DO I KNOW? 74 00:02:38,959 --> 00:02:40,261 WHAT'S THAT? 75 00:02:41,262 --> 00:02:42,330 I CAN'T HEAR YOU. 76 00:02:42,430 --> 00:02:43,631 CAN I SEE YOU OUTSIDE FOR A SECOND? 77 00:02:43,731 --> 00:02:44,765 SURE. 78 00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:48,269 WHAT'S UP RON? 79 00:02:50,338 --> 00:02:51,239 SEE WHAT I JUST DID? 80 00:02:51,339 --> 00:02:52,406 WHAT? 81 00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:54,107 I'M MODELING MANAGERIAL BEHAVIOR. 82 00:02:54,208 --> 00:02:56,710 I REMOVED THE ACTOR FROM THE AUDIENCE HENRY. 83 00:02:56,810 --> 00:02:58,379 OKAY, SEE WHEN PEOPLE ARE ACTING UP, 84 00:02:58,479 --> 00:03:01,449 YOU DEPRIVE THEM OF THE OXYGEN THAT FUELS THE FIRE-- 85 00:03:01,549 --> 00:03:02,583 YEAH, BUT RON, 86 00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:05,786 YOU WERE THE "ACTOR" IN THIS SCENARIO SO-- 87 00:03:05,886 --> 00:03:08,121 OKAY TAKE MY ADVICE, OR DON'T. 88 00:03:08,222 --> 00:03:09,122 PUT OUT THE TIP JAR, OR DON'T. 89 00:03:09,223 --> 00:03:10,123 YOUR CALL HENRY. 90 00:03:10,224 --> 00:03:11,392 OKAY. REALLY, I MEAN-- 91 00:03:11,492 --> 00:03:12,493 BUT YOU'RE GONNA BE KILLING YOURSELF 92 00:03:12,593 --> 00:03:13,527 TRYING TO BE THEIR FRIEND. 93 00:03:13,627 --> 00:03:15,396 IT'S BETTER THAT THEY RESPECT YOU-- 94 00:03:15,496 --> 00:03:16,664 OKAY, LET'S SEE HERE, UM-- 95 00:03:16,764 --> 00:03:19,600 HEY RON, THOSE ARE SOME PRETTY VILE 96 00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:20,868 PIT STAINS YOU'VE GOT THERE, 97 00:03:20,968 --> 00:03:22,703 WHY DON'T YOU PUT ON A WIND-BREAKER FROM THE VAN 98 00:03:22,803 --> 00:03:25,138 SO THE GUESTS DON'T PUKE. 99 00:03:25,239 --> 00:03:27,608 OH AND ALSO, IF YOU'RE FUCKING 20 MINUTES LATE AGAIN, 100 00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:29,443 DON'T BOTHER SHOWING UP. 101 00:03:34,448 --> 00:03:37,385 UM, SOMETHING LIKE THAT? 102 00:03:50,864 --> 00:03:53,401 UNCANNY X-MEN NUMBER FOUR. 103 00:03:55,002 --> 00:03:56,637 HOLY SHIT! 104 00:04:06,714 --> 00:04:09,182 SO WAS THERE LIKE AN EXACT MOMENT 105 00:04:09,283 --> 00:04:11,352 WHEN YOU KNEW THAT YOU WERE GONNA QUIT ACTING? 106 00:04:11,452 --> 00:04:13,321 YEAH I GUESS WHEN I SAW MY PICTURE 107 00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:15,589 NEXT TO JOE ISUZU IN A TV GUIDE 108 00:04:15,689 --> 00:04:17,325 "WHERE ARE THEY NOW" THING, 109 00:04:17,425 --> 00:04:19,460 I WAS PRETTY SURE IT WAS THE ONLY HONORABLE PATH. 110 00:04:20,294 --> 00:04:21,462 WHY? 111 00:04:21,562 --> 00:04:24,498 I AUDITIONED FOR THIS APATOW MOVIE TODAY. 112 00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:25,499 THAT'S GREAT. 113 00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:26,634 WHY DO YOU SOUND LIKE 114 00:04:26,734 --> 00:04:28,869 YOU'RE CONSIDERING EARLY RETIREMENT? 115 00:04:28,969 --> 00:04:30,738 I'M JUST LIKE, SITTING THERE IN THE WAITING ROOM 116 00:04:30,838 --> 00:04:32,906 AND THERE'S ALL THESE GIRLS 117 00:04:33,006 --> 00:04:35,343 AND THEY ALL LOOK EXACTLY LIKE ME, 118 00:04:35,443 --> 00:04:36,710 AND I KNOW THAT THEY'RE THINKING 119 00:04:36,810 --> 00:04:38,346 THE EXACT SAME THING THAT I'M THINKING, 120 00:04:38,446 --> 00:04:39,780 IT WAS CRAZY, 121 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:43,551 IT WAS LIKE THIS FLASH OF INSIGNIFICANCE. 122 00:04:43,651 --> 00:04:44,852 SO HOW'D IT GO? 123 00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:46,420 THEY LAUGHED, SO-- 124 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:48,255 WELL THAT'S GOOD. 125 00:04:48,356 --> 00:04:51,224 IT'S JUST THIS ONE SCENE, BUT IT'S SO GOOD. 126 00:04:51,325 --> 00:04:52,726 I DON'T WANT TO PUT TOO MUCH STOCK IN IT, 127 00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:55,228 BUT I SORT OF FEEL LIKE IF I GET THIS, 128 00:04:55,329 --> 00:04:56,964 IT'LL PRETTY MUCH VALIDATE 129 00:04:57,064 --> 00:04:59,232 EVERY SINGLE DECISION I'VE EVER MADE 130 00:04:59,333 --> 00:05:01,802 IN MY ENTIRE LIFE THAT LED ME TO THIS VERY MOMENT. 131 00:05:01,902 --> 00:05:04,905 WOW, WELL, IT'S GOOD TO PUT ALL OF YOUR EGGS IN ONE PLACE 132 00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:06,374 WHERE YOU CAN REALLY KEEP YOUR EYE ON THEM-- 133 00:05:06,474 --> 00:05:08,476 (phone rings) 134 00:05:08,576 --> 00:05:09,977 MAYBE YOU COULD KEEP THAT ON SILENT? 135 00:05:10,077 --> 00:05:11,479 THESE ARE MY THICK PANTS. 136 00:05:11,579 --> 00:05:12,546 SO I CAN'T FEEL THE VIBRATION-- 137 00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:13,547 RIGHT. 138 00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:14,715 HELLO? 139 00:05:15,749 --> 00:05:17,551 WELL WHAT'S THE AUDITION FOR? 140 00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:19,520 NO, I CAN'T GO TO ANAHEIM 141 00:05:19,620 --> 00:05:22,456 BECAUSE I HAVE THE SUNDAY GROUNDLINGS SHOW. 142 00:05:22,556 --> 00:05:23,991 YEAH, FINE. 143 00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:27,661 OKAY JUST-- WILL YOU SEND ME THE BREAKDOWN-- 144 00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:29,630 OKAY THANKS. 145 00:05:30,798 --> 00:05:32,400 IF YOU'RE FINISHED WITH YOUR PHONE CALL, 146 00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:34,502 I WAS HOPING I COULD BOTHER YOU FOR A GLASS OF WINE. 147 00:05:34,602 --> 00:05:36,904 IS THAT A CHARDONNAY OR A RIESLING YOU HAVE THERE? 148 00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:39,573 WHITE WINE. 149 00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:41,975 DIDN'T I SAY, GO WITH VALHALLA? 150 00:05:42,075 --> 00:05:43,944 YOU DID MRS. DOYLE. 151 00:05:44,044 --> 00:05:46,279 YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR, MS. LEGROS. 152 00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:48,682 YOU'RE RIGHT AS USUAL, MRS. DOYLE-- 153 00:05:48,782 --> 00:05:49,917 I APOLOGIZE. 154 00:05:52,052 --> 00:05:53,687 I AM SO SORRY, SHE CAN BE A LITTLE-- 155 00:05:53,787 --> 00:05:55,556 CUNTY? 156 00:05:55,656 --> 00:05:58,526 YEAH, THAT'S THE WORD, CUNTY. 157 00:05:58,626 --> 00:06:00,394 UNFORTUNATELY, SHE IS THE ONE WHO'S GONNA WRITE 158 00:06:00,494 --> 00:06:01,795 A LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION FOR MY SON, 159 00:06:01,895 --> 00:06:04,532 SO I HAVE TO KISS HER ASS UNTIL IT'S DONE. 160 00:06:04,632 --> 00:06:06,366 SO, GROUNDLINGS--? 161 00:06:06,467 --> 00:06:07,468 I USED TO BE IN GROUNDLINGS-- 162 00:06:07,568 --> 00:06:08,836 NO WAY. 163 00:06:08,936 --> 00:06:09,870 LET ME GET NICE LEVELS FOR YOU, 164 00:06:09,970 --> 00:06:10,871 SO EVERYBODY CAN HEAR YOU. 165 00:06:10,971 --> 00:06:12,039 I NEED THAT HIGHER. 166 00:06:12,139 --> 00:06:13,373 HOW'S THAT? 167 00:06:14,542 --> 00:06:16,376 MY GOD. 168 00:06:18,412 --> 00:06:20,581 I CAN BRING IT LOWER. 169 00:06:20,681 --> 00:06:21,915 (Annie) ALL RIGHT, THIS IS ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW 170 00:06:22,015 --> 00:06:23,484 ABOUT LOS ANGELES SCHOOLS ALL RIGHT? 171 00:06:23,584 --> 00:06:26,554 THERE ARE 300 KINDERGARTEN SLOTS IN TOP QUALITY SCHOOLS. 172 00:06:26,654 --> 00:06:29,590 50,000 PARENTS BATTLING IT OUT 173 00:06:29,690 --> 00:06:30,691 TO GET THEIR KIDS IN. 174 00:06:30,791 --> 00:06:32,593 BUT YOUR KID GETS INTO A TOP ELEMENTARY, 175 00:06:32,693 --> 00:06:34,728 THEN THEY GO TO HARVARD-WESTLAKE OR BRENTWOOD, 176 00:06:34,828 --> 00:06:36,664 STRAIGHT SHOT TO YALE OR STANFORD. 177 00:06:36,764 --> 00:06:39,533 HOW DO YOU GET INTO ONE OF THESE TOP QUALITY SCHOOLS? 178 00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:40,534 THREE WAYS. 179 00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:41,902 YOU CAN BE ABSURDLY WEALTHY, 180 00:06:42,002 --> 00:06:42,903 YOU CAN BE FAMOUS, 181 00:06:43,003 --> 00:06:44,438 OR, YOU CAN TAKE MY PATH, 182 00:06:44,538 --> 00:06:46,640 WHERE YOU VOLUNTEER TO RUN THE PRE-SCHOOL SILENT AUCTION 183 00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:49,042 WHICH IS WHY I HAVE OFFICIALLY RETIRED 184 00:06:49,142 --> 00:06:50,478 FROM THE COMEDY COMMUNITY. 185 00:06:50,578 --> 00:06:51,712 AND HERE I AM: 186 00:06:51,812 --> 00:06:56,617 TAKING SERIOUSLY THE SHIT I USED TO MAKE FUN OF. 187 00:06:56,717 --> 00:06:59,119 I HAVE SPENT A YEAR OF MY LIFE 188 00:06:59,219 --> 00:07:01,021 BUSTING MY ASS MOM-WRANGLING, 189 00:07:01,121 --> 00:07:03,524 AND TODAY, THE DIRECTOR SAYS IF WE DON'T MEET OUR GOAL, 190 00:07:03,624 --> 00:07:05,358 THERE'S NO LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION. 191 00:07:05,459 --> 00:07:06,627 NO. 192 00:07:06,727 --> 00:07:08,095 JANICE WERKHOVEN. 193 00:07:08,195 --> 00:07:10,531 WHAT IS THAT? 194 00:07:10,631 --> 00:07:12,666 IT IS A WINE AND CHEESE BASKET FROM GREENBLATT'S. 195 00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:13,901 SOME TOP-FLIGHT BOTTLES IN HERE. 196 00:07:14,001 --> 00:07:14,902 A COUPLE 92S-- 197 00:07:15,002 --> 00:07:16,003 YEAH I THOUGHT YOU WERE PUTTING UP 198 00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:18,506 COOKING LESSONS WITH WOLFGANG PUCK! 199 00:07:18,606 --> 00:07:20,774 YEAH, THAT KINDA FELL THROUGH. 200 00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:23,877 AT LEAST LOOK ME IN THE EYE WHEN YOU'RE FUCKING ME-- 201 00:07:23,977 --> 00:07:25,779 OH BUT WHY WOULD YOU WORRY RIGHT? 202 00:07:25,879 --> 00:07:27,047 OF COURSE THOSE STARFUCKERS 203 00:07:27,147 --> 00:07:29,449 AT PENHALL ACADEMY ARE GONNA TAKE YOUR KID, RIGHT? 204 00:07:29,550 --> 00:07:31,585 'CAUSE YOUR HUSBAND'S MOVIE OPENED HUGE. 205 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:36,490 YOU DON'T CARPOOL WITH HER, DO YOU? 206 00:07:36,590 --> 00:07:38,158 HELLO AND WELCOME 207 00:07:38,258 --> 00:07:40,794 TO THE PRECIOUS LIGHTS SILENT AUCTION! 208 00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:44,464 I'M MRS. DOYLE, 209 00:07:44,565 --> 00:07:47,067 THE DIRECTOR OF PRECIOUS LIGHTS. 210 00:07:48,101 --> 00:07:51,572 THE AUCTION CLOSES AT SIX P.M. SHARP 211 00:07:51,672 --> 00:07:55,543 AT WHICH TIME I EXPECT TO SEE OUR TOTAL 212 00:07:55,643 --> 00:07:59,079 ABOVE THE 250,000 DOLLAR-- 213 00:07:59,179 --> 00:08:00,548 (phone ringing) 214 00:08:11,859 --> 00:08:13,060 MARK. 215 00:08:19,867 --> 00:08:21,134 (chatter) 216 00:08:21,234 --> 00:08:22,570 YEAH YEAH, SUPER TOUGH RIGHT? 217 00:08:22,670 --> 00:08:23,571 AND THEN THE GUY HAS THE-- 218 00:08:23,671 --> 00:08:25,138 HEY SO I THOUGHT ABOUT IT, 219 00:08:25,238 --> 00:08:30,110 AND UM, YOU MIGHT NOT TOTALLY SUCK AS VITALY CHERNOBYL, 220 00:08:30,210 --> 00:08:32,846 SO IF YOU WANT ME TO HELP YOU WORK 221 00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:34,982 ON CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT-- 222 00:08:35,082 --> 00:08:36,149 OH YOU KNOW WHAT, I GOT IT TAKEN CARE OF. 223 00:08:36,249 --> 00:08:38,819 SEE LANE HERE, IS A HUGE SNOW CRASH FAN, 224 00:08:38,919 --> 00:08:40,788 YEAH, YEAH WE'VE BEEN BREAKING IT DOWN A LITTLE BIT. 225 00:08:40,888 --> 00:08:42,956 I THINK I'M GONNA PLAY IT KINDA LIKE PITT IN "12 MONKEYS". 226 00:08:43,056 --> 00:08:44,625 UNHINGED, YOU KNOW-- 227 00:08:44,725 --> 00:08:45,993 TOUCH OF MAGNOLIA CRUISE. 228 00:08:46,093 --> 00:08:47,995 ALL TESTOSTERONE. 229 00:08:48,095 --> 00:08:50,163 GREAT BIG BALLS JUST DRAGGING IN THE DIRT. 230 00:08:50,263 --> 00:08:51,531 LOVE IT. 231 00:08:52,700 --> 00:08:53,634 SOUNDS LIKE YOU GUYS GOT IT COVERED. 232 00:08:53,734 --> 00:08:55,502 WE GOT IT, IT'S GOOD. 233 00:08:55,603 --> 00:08:57,004 CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND? 234 00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:00,207 THANKS BUDDY. THANK YOU. 235 00:09:02,075 --> 00:09:03,076 WHAT'S UP. 236 00:09:03,176 --> 00:09:05,112 LEND ME 80 BUCKS. 237 00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:06,614 WHY? 238 00:09:06,714 --> 00:09:09,482 SOME DIPSHIT IS AUCTIONING OFF UNCANNY X-MEN #4. 239 00:09:09,583 --> 00:09:10,584 RIGHT NOW THE BID'S AT 75 DOLLARS. 240 00:09:10,684 --> 00:09:12,586 IT'S WORTH AT LEAST FOUR TIMES THAT. 241 00:09:12,686 --> 00:09:14,154 OH OKAY, SO THAT'S WHY ALL-OF-A-SUDDEN 242 00:09:14,254 --> 00:09:16,657 I'M AN AWESOME VITALY CHERNOBYL-- 243 00:09:16,757 --> 00:09:18,892 I SAID YOU MIGHT NOT TOTALLY SUCK-- 244 00:09:18,992 --> 00:09:19,893 THAT'S ALL YOU GOT? 245 00:09:19,993 --> 00:09:21,028 REALLY, TO SWEET TALK ME OUT OF THE STACK 246 00:09:21,128 --> 00:09:23,530 OF 20s IN MY WALLET, THAT'S IT? 247 00:09:23,631 --> 00:09:25,565 DUDE, YOU ARE A TERRIBLE ACTOR. 248 00:09:25,666 --> 00:09:26,667 THAT'S HORRIBLE. 249 00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:28,235 LOOK WHO'S FUCKING TALKING. 250 00:09:28,335 --> 00:09:29,236 WHAT? 251 00:09:29,336 --> 00:09:30,771 YOU'RE NOT EVEN AN ACTOR. 252 00:09:30,871 --> 00:09:33,273 YOU'RE A HAIRCUT OKAY? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? 253 00:09:33,373 --> 00:09:34,541 YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN 254 00:09:34,642 --> 00:09:36,209 YOU AND JAMES VANDERBEEKS' PARROT? 255 00:09:36,309 --> 00:09:39,179 THE PARROT CAN DELIVER A LINE. 256 00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:40,781 WHATEVER HIGH SCHOOL DRAMA COACH 257 00:09:40,881 --> 00:09:43,183 FILLED THE VOID BETWEEN YOUR EARS WITH BIG IDEAS 258 00:09:43,283 --> 00:09:46,954 PROBABLY JUST WANTED TO GIVE LITTLE KYLE A COUPLE TUGS. 259 00:09:47,054 --> 00:09:49,189 HE HAD NO IDEA HE WAS CREATING A MONSTER. 260 00:09:49,289 --> 00:09:53,160 FUCKING CAN'T ACT CREATURE FROM THE NO TALENT LAGOON. 261 00:09:57,898 --> 00:09:59,599 I'M SORRY. 262 00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:01,534 I'M SORRY THAT WAS-- 263 00:10:01,635 --> 00:10:03,203 I WAS JUST-- I WAS JUST FUCKING WITH YOU. 264 00:10:03,303 --> 00:10:04,805 SHUT THE FUCK UP MAN. 265 00:10:04,905 --> 00:10:06,006 I'M PROBABLY JUST JEALOUS 266 00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:09,743 YOU KNOW, THAT YOU MIGHT GET A PART IN THAT MOVIE-- 267 00:10:11,244 --> 00:10:13,013 I DIDN'T MEAN IT. 268 00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:17,584 JUST A HAIRCUT, HUH? 269 00:10:17,685 --> 00:10:18,886 FUCK YOU, BITCH. 270 00:10:18,986 --> 00:10:20,654 YOU JUST TOOK THE MASTER CLASS. 271 00:10:20,754 --> 00:10:21,822 FOO! 272 00:10:22,923 --> 00:10:24,624 GOOD ONE. 273 00:10:25,192 --> 00:10:26,760 CAN I GET THAT 80 BUCKS? 274 00:10:29,196 --> 00:10:31,631 WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR PEOPLE? 275 00:10:31,732 --> 00:10:33,200 THEY'RE VULGAR. 276 00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:35,202 THEY'RE DRINKING ON THE JOB. 277 00:10:35,302 --> 00:10:36,269 TAKING PERSONAL PHONE CALLS. 278 00:10:36,369 --> 00:10:37,705 AND YOU'VE GOT ONE OUT THERE 279 00:10:37,805 --> 00:10:39,740 WITH WHOM I THINK YOU NEED TO HAVE A FRANK TALK 280 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:41,842 ABOUT PERSONAL HYGIENE. 281 00:10:41,942 --> 00:10:43,977 DO YOU KNOW WHICH ONE I'M TALKING ABOUT? 282 00:10:44,077 --> 00:10:45,645 I DO. 283 00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:47,047 GOOD. 284 00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:48,348 THEN HANDLE IT. 285 00:10:48,448 --> 00:10:49,683 OKAY. 286 00:10:51,184 --> 00:10:52,252 MY LADY. 287 00:10:52,352 --> 00:10:53,821 YOU HAVE A VERY NICE DAY. 288 00:10:55,355 --> 00:10:57,991 THANKS ROMAN, THAT WAS HELPFUL. 289 00:10:58,091 --> 00:10:59,359 WORD UP. 290 00:11:13,707 --> 00:11:14,742 OH HEY, BOSS. 291 00:11:14,842 --> 00:11:15,943 HEY-- 292 00:11:16,944 --> 00:11:19,179 OKAY WHAT IS THIS, WHAT'RE YOU DOING? 293 00:11:19,279 --> 00:11:20,647 I'M YOU HENRY. 294 00:11:20,748 --> 00:11:21,681 YOU'RE ME? 295 00:11:21,782 --> 00:11:23,383 THIS JOB IS BENEATH ME SO I MOPE AROUND 296 00:11:23,483 --> 00:11:25,052 AND I POP PILLS AND I DRINK 297 00:11:25,152 --> 00:11:26,386 AND I HAVE SEX WITH MY CO-WORKERS-- 298 00:11:26,486 --> 00:11:28,121 OKAY SO YOU STOLE MY VICODIN? 299 00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:29,622 WAS IT STEALING AT ALL THOSE PARTIES 300 00:11:29,723 --> 00:11:31,658 WHEN YOU'D DRINK THE HOST'S BOOZE? 301 00:11:31,759 --> 00:11:32,793 PROBABLY. 302 00:11:32,893 --> 00:11:35,162 WAS IT STEALING WHEN YOU USED TO SMOKE MY WEED? 303 00:11:35,262 --> 00:11:36,830 OH YOU MEAN WHEN YOU'D PASS ME A JOINT 304 00:11:36,930 --> 00:11:38,131 AND TELL ME NOT TO BE A PUSSY? 305 00:11:38,231 --> 00:11:39,132 I DON'T THINK THAT QUALIFIES. 306 00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:40,700 NOW LOOK RON-- 307 00:11:40,801 --> 00:11:42,369 YOU DIDN'T MAKE IT EASY FOR ME WHEN I WAS TOP BANANA HENRY. 308 00:11:42,469 --> 00:11:43,904 OKAY SO WHAT'S GOOD FOR THE GOOSE 309 00:11:44,004 --> 00:11:45,773 IS GOOD FOR THE GANDER. 310 00:11:45,873 --> 00:11:47,808 UM, THAT ACTUALLY MEANS THAT THE SAME RULES 311 00:11:47,908 --> 00:11:49,276 SHOULD APPLY FOR MEN AND WOMEN. 312 00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:50,778 I'M A MAN, HENRY-- 313 00:11:50,878 --> 00:11:52,913 RON, YOU ASKED ME FOR THIS JOB, RIGHT? 314 00:11:53,013 --> 00:11:53,914 YEAH, AND WHO'DA THUNK? 315 00:11:54,014 --> 00:11:54,948 YOU, ON TOP OF THE WORLD. 316 00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:55,949 AND ME, WORKING FOR YOU. 317 00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:56,984 HUH? 318 00:11:57,084 --> 00:11:58,685 THAT'S LIKE "TRADING PLACES", 319 00:11:58,786 --> 00:12:00,153 AND I'M DAN AYKROYD AND YOU'RE EDDIE MONEY. 320 00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:01,121 EDDIE MONEY? 321 00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:03,323 AND MANDY IS MY JAMIE LEE CURTIS, 322 00:12:03,423 --> 00:12:05,325 SHE SAVED ME FROM BEING A BUM. 323 00:12:05,425 --> 00:12:06,693 AND UDA-- 324 00:12:06,794 --> 00:12:08,295 UDA IS YOUR BLACK LADY IN THE BIKINI, YEAH. 325 00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:09,296 DOESN'T MATTER-- 326 00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:10,297 AT THE END OF THE MOVIE 327 00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:11,364 WITH BILLY RAY VALENTINE, 328 00:12:11,464 --> 00:12:12,432 HE'S IN A HOT TUB 329 00:12:12,532 --> 00:12:13,433 AND THE BLACK LADY WITH THE BIKINI. 330 00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:15,435 RON IT'S NOT "TRADING PLACES". 331 00:12:15,535 --> 00:12:17,204 YOU'RE NOT DAN AYKROYD, I'M NOT EDDIE MURPHY. 332 00:12:17,304 --> 00:12:18,972 I'M DEFINITELY NOT EDDIE MONEY, 333 00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:21,074 JUST TAKE THE WIND-BREAKER, 334 00:12:21,174 --> 00:12:22,675 AND PUT IT ON THIS TIME, OKAY? 335 00:12:22,776 --> 00:12:24,711 WE'RE GETTING COMPLAINTS. 336 00:12:24,812 --> 00:12:27,214 I'M DAN AYKROYD. 337 00:12:27,314 --> 00:12:28,916 YOU'RE NOT DAN AYKROYD. 338 00:12:29,016 --> 00:12:30,417 SAYS EDDIE MURPHY. 339 00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:32,319 TELL THAT FUCKING PRICK TWO HIT SHOWS IN FIVE YEARS 340 00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:34,721 IS ENOUGH TO GET MOST GUYS FIRED. 341 00:12:34,822 --> 00:12:35,889 HE MUST REALLY BE SUCKING THE SHIT OUT OF MICKEY'S 342 00:12:35,989 --> 00:12:38,358 LITTLE RODENT COCK OVER THERE AT MOUSCHWITZ. 343 00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:40,260 SCOTCH ROCKS. 344 00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:41,895 IF HE WANTS THE TV RIGHTS, 345 00:12:41,995 --> 00:12:44,331 HE'S GONNA HAVE TO WORK SOME OF THAT MAGIC ON MY BALL SACK. 346 00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:46,266 YEAH, TELL HIM TO BRING KNEE PADS 347 00:12:46,366 --> 00:12:48,969 AND AN APPETITE FOR MAN JUICE. 348 00:12:49,069 --> 00:12:50,703 LET'S GO, IT'S NOT A FUCKIN' SOUFFLE. 349 00:12:50,804 --> 00:12:52,205 IT'S YOU KNOW, ICE AND SCOTCH. 350 00:12:52,305 --> 00:12:54,041 THE EASTONS ARE AUCTIONING THEIR SUN VALLEY CABIN 351 00:12:54,141 --> 00:12:55,308 FOR A WEEK THIS SUMMER. 352 00:12:55,408 --> 00:12:57,811 THE SUMMER? 353 00:12:57,911 --> 00:12:59,913 WHAT DO PEOPLE DO IN IDAHO IN THE SUMMER? 354 00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:01,982 WHAT DO THEY WAIT FOR THE RAPTURE? 355 00:13:02,082 --> 00:13:03,383 HOARD FOOD? 356 00:13:03,483 --> 00:13:04,852 PRACTICE GOOSE-STEPPING? 357 00:13:04,952 --> 00:13:06,286 WHAT THE HELL ARE WE AUCTIONING? 358 00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:08,121 LUNCH WITH TOM HANKS. 359 00:13:09,923 --> 00:13:11,058 DON'T DIE LEONARD. 360 00:13:11,158 --> 00:13:12,960 WE'RE IN THE FINAL YEAR OF MY PRE-NUP. 361 00:13:14,327 --> 00:13:16,229 WHEN WE MET YOU SAID YOU AND TOM ARE CLOSE-- 362 00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:17,865 I WAS TRYING TO GET INTO YOUR PANTS. 363 00:13:17,965 --> 00:13:18,899 HANKS HASN'T TALKED TO ME SINCE 364 00:13:18,999 --> 00:13:20,300 I PUT HIM IN TURNER AND FUCKING HOOCH. 365 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:21,734 I CAN'T MAKE A LUNCH HAPPEN. 366 00:13:21,835 --> 00:13:23,136 FINE. 367 00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:24,171 SO WIN THE AUCTION. 368 00:13:24,271 --> 00:13:27,140 IT'LL IMPRESS THE SCHOOL DIRECTOR. 369 00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:28,475 OH HEY, STILSKIN, 370 00:13:28,575 --> 00:13:31,411 YOUR EDGAR ALLEN POE MOVIE SUCKED ASS. 371 00:13:31,511 --> 00:13:34,381 350 MILLION DOLLARS WORLD-WIDE THERE FOUR EYES. 372 00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:36,049 WHY DON'T YOU GET ME A LITTLE FUCKING UMBRELLA 373 00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:37,317 FOR MY COCKTAIL BEFORE THEY CALL YOU BACK 374 00:13:37,417 --> 00:13:39,286 TO THE SET OF THE BIG BANG THEORY. 375 00:13:39,386 --> 00:13:42,755 I MEAN COME ON, CHANNING TATUM AS YOUNG LINCOLN? 376 00:13:42,856 --> 00:13:44,024 ARE YOU SHITTING ME? 377 00:13:44,124 --> 00:13:46,393 YOU COULD HAVE HAD HENRY HERE AT SCALE. 378 00:13:46,493 --> 00:13:48,761 TAYLOR'S SWEET 16? 379 00:13:48,862 --> 00:13:50,964 THE FUCKING ARE-WE-HAVING-FUN-YET GUY. 380 00:13:51,064 --> 00:13:51,965 ALL RIGHT, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HENRY, 381 00:13:52,065 --> 00:13:53,300 TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT. 382 00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:54,367 IF YOU'VE GOT ABS LIKE CHANNING TATUM, 383 00:13:54,467 --> 00:13:55,835 I'LL MAKE YOU A BIG FUCKING STAR. 384 00:13:57,938 --> 00:13:59,006 SEE THIS IS A BUSINESS, 385 00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:00,840 FUCKING IDIOTS. 386 00:14:00,941 --> 00:14:01,942 CHECK OUT MY WIFE HERE. 387 00:14:02,042 --> 00:14:03,043 HER NIPPLES GOT HARD 388 00:14:03,143 --> 00:14:04,211 JUST AT THE COMBINATION OF THE TWO WORDS: 389 00:14:04,311 --> 00:14:05,913 CHANNING AND TATUM. 390 00:14:06,013 --> 00:14:07,380 FUCK YOU, LEONARD. 391 00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:11,051 GODDAMN HONEY, IT'S A COMPLIMENT. 392 00:14:11,151 --> 00:14:13,286 I TRUST THOSE NIPS OF YOURS MORE THAN ANY FOCUS GROUP. 393 00:14:15,322 --> 00:14:16,456 CASEY! YEAH. 394 00:14:16,556 --> 00:14:17,891 CASEY. 395 00:14:17,991 --> 00:14:21,995 HOW MUCH YOU THINK I CAN GET FOR A 1998 GRAND MARQUIS? 396 00:14:23,430 --> 00:14:25,132 WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THAT? 397 00:14:25,232 --> 00:14:28,135 RAG TOP, FULLY LOADED, IT HAS AIR, POWER WINDOWS, 398 00:14:34,274 --> 00:14:36,343 EVERY SATURDAY WAS THE UNCLE FUZZY SHOW. 399 00:14:36,443 --> 00:14:37,610 ALL THE BIRTHDAY KIDS 400 00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:41,381 GOT TO REACH INTO THE FUN TUB AND PICK OUT THEIR PRESENT. 401 00:14:41,481 --> 00:14:44,517 AND THEN UNCLE FUZZY HIMSELF WOULD GIVE THEM A TICKLE. 402 00:14:45,618 --> 00:14:46,519 CREEPY. 403 00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:48,956 SO WHEN MY BIRTHDAY WAS COMING AROUND 404 00:14:49,056 --> 00:14:51,391 I TOOK A POLAROID OF MYSELF, I PUT IT IN AN ENVELOPE, 405 00:14:51,491 --> 00:14:53,560 AND GAVE IT TO MY MOM TO MAIL. 406 00:14:53,660 --> 00:14:56,096 SIX MONTHS LATER I OPENED UP 407 00:14:56,196 --> 00:14:57,830 THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT IN MY MOM'S CAR, 408 00:14:57,931 --> 00:14:58,999 GUESS WHAT I FOUND? 409 00:14:59,967 --> 00:15:00,968 MY ENVELOPE 410 00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:03,270 FOR UNCLE FUZZY. 411 00:15:03,370 --> 00:15:05,939 AND WHEN I ASKED MY MOM WHY SHE HAD NEVER MAILED IT TO HIM, 412 00:15:06,039 --> 00:15:08,441 SHE SAID, "WHY WASTE A PERFECTLY GOOD STAMP?" 413 00:15:08,541 --> 00:15:11,111 UH SORRY, DON'T MEAN TO BE A BUZZ-KILL, 414 00:15:11,211 --> 00:15:12,312 BUT WE'RE KINDA GETTING THE EVIL EYE 415 00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:13,313 FROM THE PEOPLE RUNNING THE PARTY-- 416 00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:14,547 HEY LISTEN, COMRADE STALIN. 417 00:15:14,647 --> 00:15:16,916 WE'RE KINDA IN THE MIDDLE OF A BIG DECISION HERE. 418 00:15:17,017 --> 00:15:17,985 MM-HMM. 419 00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:19,486 I MADE A PROMISE TO MYSELF 420 00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:24,191 THAT I WOULD SUPPORT MY DAUGHTER ESCAPADE'S DREAMS, 421 00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:29,496 AND TOM HANKS WOULD LOVE ESCAPADE. 422 00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:31,264 I'M GONNA DO IT. 423 00:15:31,364 --> 00:15:32,532 AND I'M SELL THAT GRAND MARQUIS 424 00:15:32,632 --> 00:15:34,167 TO PAY OFF THE BILL-- 425 00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:36,003 YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET A GRAND FOR THAT SHITBOX. 426 00:15:36,103 --> 00:15:38,571 I THINK YOU NEED TO SET THE BAR A LITTLE BIT LOWER. 427 00:15:38,671 --> 00:15:39,872 YOU'RE NEVER GONNA GET HANKS, 428 00:15:39,973 --> 00:15:42,175 R KELLY MAYBE, IF HE'S AVAILABLE-- 429 00:15:43,110 --> 00:15:44,177 OH GET AWAY FROM MY X-MEN, OLD MAN. 430 00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:45,412 OKAY WAIT A SECOND, 431 00:15:45,512 --> 00:15:47,047 BIDDING ON THE HANKS LUNCH? 432 00:15:47,147 --> 00:15:49,882 NO DON'T DO THAT LYDIA, THAT'S A WASTE OF TIME-- 433 00:15:49,983 --> 00:15:51,218 "WASTE OF TIME," YEAH. 434 00:15:51,318 --> 00:15:53,420 "WASTE OF A STAMP." I DON'T KNOW-- 435 00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:54,454 PACK ON 50 POUNDS, 436 00:15:54,554 --> 00:15:56,256 AND WORK A VIRGINIA SLIM IN EACH HAND, 437 00:15:56,356 --> 00:15:57,424 AND YOU COULD BE MY MOM. 438 00:15:57,524 --> 00:15:58,491 NO, LYDIA. 439 00:15:58,591 --> 00:16:00,027 I JUST HEARD STILTSKIN SAY 440 00:16:00,127 --> 00:16:01,961 THAT HE CAN'T MAKE THE HANKS LUNCH HAPPEN, 441 00:16:02,062 --> 00:16:05,032 SO HE'S GONNA OUTBID ANYONE WHO TRIES TO WIN IT. 442 00:16:05,132 --> 00:16:06,299 DO YOU EVEN REMEMBER 443 00:16:06,399 --> 00:16:09,002 WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO HAVE A DREAM? 444 00:16:09,102 --> 00:16:10,570 I'M GONNA BE IN THE TENT. 445 00:16:10,670 --> 00:16:12,105 MELON-BALLING. 446 00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:14,641 WITH ONE HAND. 447 00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:18,411 HEY, I WANTED TO ASK YOU IF-- 448 00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:20,480 IF YOU COULD MAYBE STAY OFF YOUR PHONE 449 00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:22,049 FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE EVENT, 450 00:16:22,149 --> 00:16:23,516 THAT'D BE TERRIFIC. 451 00:16:23,616 --> 00:16:25,318 LISTEN, DIDN'T WE ALWAYS USED TO SAY 452 00:16:25,418 --> 00:16:26,419 THAT THEY DON'T PAY US ENOUGH 453 00:16:26,519 --> 00:16:28,555 TO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANY OF THIS? 454 00:16:28,655 --> 00:16:31,558 BUT AS A TEAM LEADER, THEY KINDA DO, 455 00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:34,294 AND I'M KINDA USED TO THE HEALTH INSURANCE CASEY, 456 00:16:34,394 --> 00:16:36,063 YOU KNOW, AND I WAS ABLE TO MOVE OUT 457 00:16:36,163 --> 00:16:38,065 OF MY STUDIO APARTMENT INTO A ONE BEDROOM. 458 00:16:38,165 --> 00:16:39,066 WITH A VIEW. 459 00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:40,333 WOW. OKAY? 460 00:16:40,433 --> 00:16:42,169 IT'S A VIEW OF A TACO BELL, BUT STILL, IT'S A VIEW. 461 00:16:42,269 --> 00:16:43,170 FINE. 462 00:16:43,270 --> 00:16:44,337 I WILL STAY OFF THE PHONE. 463 00:16:44,437 --> 00:16:46,339 THANKS. MMM-HMM. THANK YOU. 464 00:16:46,439 --> 00:16:49,242 HEY BRUCE, I JUST GOT THE BREAKDOWN THAT YOU SENT ME 465 00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:53,513 FOR THE "PERKY SUBURBAN MOM?" MINIVAN COMMERCIAL THING? 466 00:16:53,613 --> 00:16:55,548 THAT'S A JOKE RIGHT? 467 00:16:56,683 --> 00:16:59,086 BECAUSE I'M NOT "MOM" MATERIAL, 468 00:16:59,186 --> 00:17:02,255 MAN, I'M ACERBIC 20-SOMETHING. 469 00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:04,957 YOU KNOW, I'M FUNNY BUT FUCKABLE WAITRESS-- 470 00:17:05,058 --> 00:17:06,293 NO-- 471 00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:10,697 GOD, FUCKITY-FUCK FUCK FUCK. 472 00:17:11,598 --> 00:17:13,233 HEY THERE, SPORT. 473 00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:14,967 HEY. HI. 474 00:17:15,068 --> 00:17:16,303 NEED HELP? 475 00:17:16,403 --> 00:17:18,571 I JUST-- I HAVEN'T DONE THAT IN A WHILE. 476 00:17:18,671 --> 00:17:20,173 GREAT, YEAH. 477 00:17:20,740 --> 00:17:21,641 OH, YOU KNOW WHAT, NO. 478 00:17:21,741 --> 00:17:23,042 I CAN'T DO THAT. 479 00:17:23,143 --> 00:17:24,111 EVERY TIME I STEAL A CIGARETTE 480 00:17:24,211 --> 00:17:26,646 MY SON TELLS ME I SMELL LIKE GRANDPA. 481 00:17:26,746 --> 00:17:28,248 MY SON, WHO'S GONNA HAVE TO PUT HIMSELF 482 00:17:28,348 --> 00:17:30,383 THROUGH TRADE SCHOOL SUCKING OFF TRUCK DRIVERS 483 00:17:30,483 --> 00:17:33,153 BECAUSE WE'RE 30,000 DOLLARS SHORT 484 00:17:33,253 --> 00:17:34,754 AND THERE'S 40 MINUTES LEFT. 485 00:17:35,822 --> 00:17:37,624 WHY ARE YOU STARING AT ME? 486 00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:39,759 ACTUALLY JUST HAVING THIS CRAZY REVELATION. 487 00:17:39,859 --> 00:17:44,197 I JUST TOLD MY AGENT THAT I CAN'T PLAY A SUBURBAN MOM, 488 00:17:44,297 --> 00:17:45,732 BUT THEN I LOOK AT YOU, 489 00:17:45,832 --> 00:17:48,535 AND THIS WHOLE "VERGE OF HYSTERIA" THING, 490 00:17:48,635 --> 00:17:51,003 THAT'S-- I CAN DO THAT, I CAN TOTALLY DO THAT. 491 00:17:51,104 --> 00:17:54,073 YEAH WOW, AUDITIONS. 492 00:17:54,174 --> 00:17:55,342 I DO NOT MISS THAT. 493 00:17:55,442 --> 00:17:56,609 THEY'RE AWFUL. 494 00:17:56,709 --> 00:17:58,245 SITTING IN A CASTING ROOM 495 00:17:58,345 --> 00:18:00,613 WITH A DOZEN WOMEN THAT LOOK EXACTLY LIKE YOU. 496 00:18:00,713 --> 00:18:02,182 WHO WOULD MURDER EACH OTHER 497 00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:04,284 TO GET A COUPLE LINES ON BECKER. 498 00:18:04,384 --> 00:18:05,685 WAITING AROUND, OH YOU DIDN'T GET THE PART. 499 00:18:05,785 --> 00:18:07,053 YOU WERE TOO FUNNY. 500 00:18:07,154 --> 00:18:08,087 YOU'RE NOT FUNNY ENOUGH. 501 00:18:08,188 --> 00:18:09,122 OH YOU'RE TOO TALL. 502 00:18:09,222 --> 00:18:10,457 YOU'RE TOO COLD, YOU'RE TOO-- 503 00:18:10,557 --> 00:18:12,592 I'VE GOTTEN "TOO JEW-Y" BEFORE. 504 00:18:12,692 --> 00:18:14,294 REALLY. YEAH, 505 00:18:14,394 --> 00:18:17,397 AND I WAS READING FOR "DIARY OF ANNE FRANK." SO-- 506 00:18:19,132 --> 00:18:21,067 MYSTERIOUS, YEAH. 507 00:18:21,168 --> 00:18:22,169 YOU KNOW WHAT, SERIOUSLY 508 00:18:22,269 --> 00:18:23,770 WOULD MUCH RATHER JUST BE SHOOTING HOOPS 509 00:18:23,870 --> 00:18:25,372 IN THE DRIVEWAY WITH SAM. 510 00:18:25,472 --> 00:18:26,806 I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT. 511 00:18:26,906 --> 00:18:30,243 (Mrs. Doyle) AUCTION ENDS IN 30 MINUTES. 512 00:18:30,343 --> 00:18:32,612 I AM SO FUCKED. 513 00:18:32,712 --> 00:18:35,315 HEY, HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU YOU SAY YOU NEEDED 514 00:18:35,415 --> 00:18:36,583 TO REACH YOUR GOAL? 515 00:18:38,551 --> 00:18:39,586 NO, LISTEN TO ME. 516 00:18:39,686 --> 00:18:40,687 THIRD WIFE-- NO KIDS. 517 00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:41,821 YOU PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN ON THAT. 518 00:18:41,921 --> 00:18:44,291 OKAY WELL MY PLAN ONLY CALLS FOR TWO WIVES. 519 00:18:44,391 --> 00:18:46,092 YEAH SEE, FIRST ONE-- CRAZY VEGAS WEDDING 520 00:18:46,193 --> 00:18:47,594 WITH SOMEONE MORE FAMOUS THAN ME. 521 00:18:47,694 --> 00:18:49,262 YOU KNOW, GETS ME IN THE TABLOIDS. 522 00:18:49,362 --> 00:18:50,263 I DUNNO, A LOHAN. 523 00:18:50,363 --> 00:18:51,864 MAYBE AN OLSEN TWIN. 524 00:18:52,899 --> 00:18:54,434 SHIT, I'M GONNA-- 525 00:18:55,302 --> 00:18:57,069 SOMEONE OUTBID YOU, LEONARD. 526 00:18:57,170 --> 00:18:59,105 JESUS CHRIST ON A FUCK-STICK! 527 00:18:59,206 --> 00:19:00,673 I BID 20-CUM-SUCKING-GRAND! 528 00:19:00,773 --> 00:19:03,376 WHAT KIND OF RETARDED STARFUCKER OUTBID ME? 529 00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:04,377 TOM'S AN ICON, 530 00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:05,412 THIS IS L.A. 531 00:19:05,512 --> 00:19:07,447 PEOPLE HAVE DISPOSABLE INCOME. 532 00:19:07,547 --> 00:19:08,781 YOU ONCE TOLD ME YOU'D DRINK TWO PINTS 533 00:19:08,881 --> 00:19:11,218 OF APE SPERM TO PLAY PEBBLE BEACH WITH TIGER WOODS. 534 00:19:11,318 --> 00:19:12,219 YEAH BUT THAT'S SPORTS. 535 00:19:12,319 --> 00:19:13,220 SPORTS ARE COOL. 536 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:14,587 TOM HANKS IS A GROWN MAN 537 00:19:14,687 --> 00:19:16,723 WHO WEARS EYELINER AND PLAYS MAKE BELIEVE. 538 00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:18,258 IT'S FAGGY. 539 00:19:18,358 --> 00:19:20,159 FUCK, WHAT'S THE NEW BID? 540 00:19:20,260 --> 00:19:21,228 40. 541 00:19:21,328 --> 00:19:23,496 40 GRAND-- ANOTHER FUCKING 20 GRAND? 542 00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:24,731 JESUS. 543 00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:26,633 WOULD YOU PREFER EIGHT YEARS OF DRIVING TO THE VALLEY 544 00:19:26,733 --> 00:19:28,301 FOR EVERY SCHOOL FUNCTION? 545 00:19:28,401 --> 00:19:31,170 MAYBE YOU COULD JUST CALL TOM AND BEG. 546 00:19:31,271 --> 00:19:32,505 HEY THIS IS YOUR FAULT 547 00:19:32,605 --> 00:19:34,374 AND I'M FIRING YOUR FUCKING TENNIS COACH. 548 00:19:34,474 --> 00:19:35,575 OKAY, YOU CAN FIND SOMEBODY 549 00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:36,776 WHO'LL FUCK YOU FOR FREE. 550 00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:40,179 HE'S A PILATES INSTRUCTOR. 551 00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:42,249 DICK. 552 00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:44,183 VODKA RED BULL. 553 00:19:44,284 --> 00:19:47,320 OH SHIT, THAT WAS AWKWARD. 554 00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:49,522 WHAT WAS? 555 00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:52,191 YOU KNOW-- IF HE REMEMBERED US HOOKING UP. 556 00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:54,361 I DON'T REMEMBER US HOOKING UP. 557 00:19:54,461 --> 00:19:58,565 OH UH, WELL WE DID... 558 00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:02,134 SOUNDS LIKE IT WAS AWESOME. 559 00:20:02,235 --> 00:20:04,337 (Mrs. Doyle) HELLO MOMS AND DADS! 560 00:20:04,437 --> 00:20:07,240 THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO PUT IN YOUR BIDS. 561 00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:09,476 I'M TELLING YOU, I HAVE INSIDE INFORMATION, 562 00:20:09,576 --> 00:20:10,477 THIS IS DEFINITELY GONNA WORK. 563 00:20:10,577 --> 00:20:11,578 THE AUCTION ENDS IN... 564 00:20:11,678 --> 00:20:12,879 THIS IS SO DUMB. 565 00:20:12,979 --> 00:20:15,147 NOT ONLY WON'T I GET A LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION, 566 00:20:15,248 --> 00:20:17,650 BUT NOW I'M ON THE HOOK FOR 40,000 DOLLARS. 567 00:20:17,750 --> 00:20:19,419 I'M SO FUCKED. 568 00:20:19,519 --> 00:20:22,322 (crowd) 18, 17, 16... 569 00:20:22,422 --> 00:20:23,756 OH MY GOD. 570 00:20:26,926 --> 00:20:28,861 HEY LOOK, LOOK. 571 00:20:28,961 --> 00:20:29,896 (crowd) 11... 572 00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:34,301 TEN, NINE, EIGHT... 573 00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:37,970 OH, I THINK SAMMY MAYBE JUST GOT INTO STANFORD. 574 00:20:38,838 --> 00:20:40,172 HERE WE GO! 575 00:20:40,273 --> 00:20:44,311 FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE! 576 00:20:45,278 --> 00:20:46,346 (Mrs. Doyle) MOMS AND DADS! 577 00:20:46,446 --> 00:20:48,281 I HAVE SOME VERY GOOD NEWS. 578 00:20:48,381 --> 00:20:51,751 WE HAVE JUST REACHED OUR FUND RAISING TOTAL. 579 00:20:54,954 --> 00:20:57,457 I WOULD LIKE TO SAY A VERY SPECIAL THANK YOU 580 00:20:57,557 --> 00:20:59,926 TO OUR AUCTION CHAIRWOMAN, 581 00:21:00,026 --> 00:21:01,694 MS. ANNIE LEGROS. 582 00:21:02,462 --> 00:21:03,696 COME ON UP HERE. 583 00:21:03,796 --> 00:21:05,298 OOOH, SEE? 584 00:21:05,398 --> 00:21:06,299 SUBURBAN MOM! 585 00:21:06,399 --> 00:21:07,467 NOT SUCH A BAD GIG. 586 00:21:07,567 --> 00:21:08,968 (Mrs. Doyle) AND DON'T FORGET EVERYONE, 587 00:21:09,068 --> 00:21:10,269 I WANT YOU TO STICK AROUND 588 00:21:10,370 --> 00:21:12,739 FOR OUR PRECIOUS LIGHTS SINGERS-- 589 00:21:12,839 --> 00:21:14,807 (phone beeps) 590 00:21:19,846 --> 00:21:21,614 AND THEN HE SAYS, "DON'T DO IT; 591 00:21:21,714 --> 00:21:23,716 IT'S A WASTE OF TIME." 592 00:21:23,816 --> 00:21:25,284 AND I WAS LIKE, 593 00:21:25,385 --> 00:21:28,455 UH YEAH, WELL WE KNOW YOU'VE GIVEN UP ON YOUR DREAMS, HENRY, 594 00:21:28,555 --> 00:21:29,856 BUT DOES THAT MEAN THAT YOU HAVE POOP 595 00:21:29,956 --> 00:21:31,223 ON EVERYBODY ELSE'S POUND CAKE? 596 00:21:31,324 --> 00:21:33,626 IT'S GONE TO HIS HEAD-- BEING TEAM LEADER. 597 00:21:33,726 --> 00:21:34,661 NOW, HE'S RUBBED MY NOSE IN IT 598 00:21:34,761 --> 00:21:36,496 EVER SINCE I GOT HERE TODAY. 599 00:21:36,596 --> 00:21:37,664 SEE THAT'S WHY I'M TRYING TO GIVE HIM 600 00:21:37,764 --> 00:21:38,665 A TASTE OF HIS OWN MEDICINE. 601 00:21:38,765 --> 00:21:39,666 POPPING PILLS 602 00:21:39,766 --> 00:21:40,833 AND SULKING. 603 00:21:40,933 --> 00:21:43,302 NOW, ALL I GOTTA DO IS TRY TO CONVINCE CASEY 604 00:21:43,403 --> 00:21:46,406 TO SNEAK OFF WITH ME, HAVE SEX. 605 00:21:46,506 --> 00:21:48,007 UH-OH, I DON'T THINK YOUR LITTLE GIRLFRIEND'S 606 00:21:48,107 --> 00:21:49,476 GONNA LIKE THAT TOO MUCH. 607 00:21:49,576 --> 00:21:51,378 NO NOT REALLY HAVE SEX WITH ME. 608 00:21:51,478 --> 00:21:52,845 SEE, THIS IS WHAT HENRY AND CASEY USED TO DO 609 00:21:52,945 --> 00:21:54,614 WHEN I WAS TEAM LEADER. 610 00:21:54,714 --> 00:21:56,449 YOU KNOW, AND I JUST WANT HIM TO ACKNOWLEDGE 611 00:21:56,549 --> 00:21:59,251 THE FACT THAT HE PUT ME THROUGH SOME SHIT. 612 00:21:59,352 --> 00:22:02,889 BUT I DON'T THINK CASEY'S GONNA FOR IT. 613 00:22:04,056 --> 00:22:05,858 WELL. 614 00:22:05,958 --> 00:22:07,594 WOULD ANY CO-WORKER DO? 615 00:22:22,375 --> 00:22:25,478 HEY, I'VE DECIDED TO MAKE A LIST 616 00:22:25,578 --> 00:22:27,480 OF REASONS WHY YOU SHOULDN'T QUIT. 617 00:22:28,881 --> 00:22:31,484 UM, I'M ACTUALLY ONLY THINKING OF TWO, 618 00:22:31,584 --> 00:22:33,520 BUT STILL, I THINK THAT QUALIFIES AS A "LIST"-- 619 00:22:33,620 --> 00:22:35,555 I GOT THE PART. 620 00:22:35,655 --> 00:22:36,823 IN THE APATOW MOVIE. 621 00:22:36,923 --> 00:22:38,057 WHAT? 622 00:22:38,157 --> 00:22:39,492 HOLY SHIT, REALLY? 623 00:22:39,592 --> 00:22:41,494 I HAVE A WARDROBE FITTING ON MONDAY. 624 00:22:41,594 --> 00:22:43,362 THAT'S GREAT! 625 00:22:44,130 --> 00:22:45,297 OH, OKAY. 626 00:22:45,398 --> 00:22:47,467 WOW, THAT'S GREAT. 627 00:22:47,567 --> 00:22:50,002 THANK YOU FOR MAKING A LIST THOUGH! 628 00:22:50,102 --> 00:22:52,338 SURE, NO PROBLEM. 629 00:22:52,439 --> 00:22:54,574 HEY CAN I UH, BUY YOU A DRINK? 630 00:22:55,475 --> 00:22:56,443 YES, 631 00:22:56,543 --> 00:22:58,945 YES YOU CAN-- YOU CAN BUY ME A DRINK. 632 00:22:59,045 --> 00:23:00,413 SO HENRY, 633 00:23:00,513 --> 00:23:02,348 YOU WERE LIKE A BIG DEAL AT ONE POINT. YEAH. 634 00:23:02,449 --> 00:23:03,783 YOU GOTTA TELL ME WHAT TO DO. 635 00:23:03,883 --> 00:23:06,018 LIKE WHO DO I-- HOW DO I KNOW WHICH OF THE LITTLE PEOPLE 636 00:23:06,118 --> 00:23:07,654 TO LIKE, TOTALLY CRUSH? 637 00:23:07,754 --> 00:23:08,921 OH IT'S JUST TOTALLY RANDOM. 638 00:23:09,021 --> 00:23:11,458 YOU JUST START ARBITRARILY FUCKING PEOPLE OVER. 639 00:23:11,558 --> 00:23:13,025 COOL, I CAN DO THAT. 640 00:23:14,694 --> 00:23:16,629 (groaning) 641 00:23:16,729 --> 00:23:19,766 IS SOMEBODY SLAUGHTERING A WATER BUFFALO IN THERE? 642 00:23:19,866 --> 00:23:22,535 WELL, I'M PRETTY SURE THIS IS FOR MY BENEFIT. 643 00:23:23,436 --> 00:23:24,604 (Lydia) I FEEL DADDY DICK. 644 00:23:24,704 --> 00:23:25,972 (Ron) OH YOU LOVE DADDY DICK DON'T YOU? 645 00:23:26,072 --> 00:23:27,339 (Lydia) I LOVE DADDY DICK. 646 00:23:27,440 --> 00:23:29,476 WELL RON CERTAINLY SOUNDS LIKE A WORLD CLASS LOVER. 647 00:23:29,576 --> 00:23:31,010 YEAH, HE HAS REAL STAYING POWER. 648 00:23:31,110 --> 00:23:32,845 SIR! 649 00:23:32,945 --> 00:23:34,981 I WOULD LIKE YOU AND YOUR CREW 650 00:23:35,081 --> 00:23:37,083 OFF THIS PROPERTY IMMEDIATELY! 651 00:23:37,183 --> 00:23:38,951 COME ALONG CHILDREN. 652 00:23:39,051 --> 00:23:40,887 YOUR SUPERVISOR WILL BE HEARING FROM ME. 653 00:23:40,987 --> 00:23:43,389 HIPPITY HOP EVERYBODY, HIPPITY HOP. 654 00:23:43,490 --> 00:23:45,424 (Ron) YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! 655 00:23:45,525 --> 00:23:47,059 "THE TRUTH" BEING THE NAME I GAVE MY PENIS. 656 00:23:47,159 --> 00:23:48,661 HENRY? 657 00:23:48,761 --> 00:23:50,396 YEAH. 658 00:23:50,497 --> 00:23:54,433 IS IT TOO LATE FOR ME TO APOLOGIZE 659 00:23:54,534 --> 00:23:57,436 FOR BEING AN ASSHOLE ABOUT YOU BEING THE BOSS? 660 00:23:57,537 --> 00:23:59,906 'CAUSE I CAN KINDA SEE NOW 661 00:24:00,006 --> 00:24:02,709 HOW MUCH OF A SUCK-ASS JOB IT IS. 662 00:24:03,510 --> 00:24:04,911 RON? 663 00:24:05,011 --> 00:24:06,746 IS THAT RON? 664 00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:08,881 SHIT! 665 00:24:09,782 --> 00:24:11,518 TAKE MY BIG FAT DICK. 666 00:24:11,618 --> 00:24:13,152 TAKE MY BIG FAT DICK. 667 00:24:13,252 --> 00:24:15,488 CAN YOU TAKE IT? OH YEAH BABY! 668 00:24:16,756 --> 00:24:19,091 YEAH COCK MASTER, YEAH! 669 00:24:19,191 --> 00:24:21,861 GET IN, BALLS TOO, THERE'S ROOM. 670 00:24:21,961 --> 00:24:23,095 YEAH, NOW! 671 00:24:23,195 --> 00:24:24,697 NOW THAT YOU HAVE EVERYTHING IN THERE-- 672 00:24:24,797 --> 00:24:26,198 HEY GUYS. 673 00:24:32,004 --> 00:24:34,807 DID IT REALLY SOUND LIKE WE WERE HAVING SEX? 674 00:24:34,907 --> 00:24:36,543 I'M SORRY HENRY, I'M SORRY. 675 00:24:36,643 --> 00:24:37,944 WAS IT SOMETHING WE SAID? 676 00:24:38,044 --> 00:24:39,946 THAT'S VERY FUNNY. 677 00:24:40,046 --> 00:24:42,949 RON, MANDY JUST TOOK OFF IN YOUR CAR. 678 00:24:43,049 --> 00:24:45,117 SHE WAS OUTSIDE THE TENT FOR THAT LAST BIT. 679 00:24:46,152 --> 00:24:47,053 MANDY! 680 00:24:47,153 --> 00:24:48,621 MANDY! 681 00:24:57,296 --> 00:24:58,565 WELL THERE'S A LESSON IN THERE SOMEWHERE RIGHT? 682 00:24:58,665 --> 00:24:59,832 (Leonard) HEY, FUCK FACE. 683 00:24:59,932 --> 00:25:01,668 I JUST FOUND THAT THAT BITCH WHO WAS BIDDING AGAINST ME 684 00:25:01,768 --> 00:25:03,736 IS SOME FLAT BROKE DIVORCEE. 685 00:25:03,836 --> 00:25:04,971 YOU FUCKED ME, DIDN'T YOU? 686 00:25:05,071 --> 00:25:07,139 YOU, YOU COST ME 20 GRAND. 687 00:25:07,239 --> 00:25:11,477 ALL RIGHT, HERE'S A PROMISE, YOU FUCKING HAS-BEEN NEVER-WAS. 688 00:25:11,578 --> 00:25:13,646 YOU'LL NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN. 689 00:25:16,716 --> 00:25:17,884 I KNOW. 690 00:25:19,018 --> 00:25:20,953 * 691 00:25:34,967 --> 00:25:36,235 LYDIA, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR ARM? 692 00:25:36,335 --> 00:25:38,004 OH, HENRY. 693 00:25:38,104 --> 00:25:39,772 IT'S SO SWEET OF YOU TO NOTICE. 694 00:25:39,872 --> 00:25:41,473 IT'S ESCAPADE. 695 00:25:41,574 --> 00:25:43,009 WE WERE WORKING ON OUR TRUST FALLS 696 00:25:43,109 --> 00:25:44,611 AND I GUESS IT WAS KINDA SILLY OF ME 697 00:25:44,711 --> 00:25:45,912 TO EXPECT AT 14 YEAR OLD 698 00:25:46,012 --> 00:25:48,047 TO BE ABLE TO CATCH MY DEAD WEIGHT. 699 00:25:48,147 --> 00:25:50,016 TRUST FALLS? 700 00:25:50,116 --> 00:25:51,550 YOU LIVE AND LEARN. 701 00:25:52,652 --> 00:25:53,986 HEY, SO DID YOU GET IT? 702 00:25:54,086 --> 00:25:56,723 OH YEAH MAN, RIGHT HERE. 703 00:25:56,823 --> 00:25:59,191 UNCANNY X-MEN NUMERO QUATRO. 704 00:25:59,291 --> 00:26:00,860 300, RIGHT? YEAH. 705 00:26:02,261 --> 00:26:05,097 OH, NICE. 706 00:26:05,197 --> 00:26:06,098 OKAY SO UH-- 707 00:26:06,198 --> 00:26:08,635 20, 30-- 708 00:26:08,735 --> 00:26:10,502 TOLD YOU SO. 709 00:26:10,603 --> 00:26:12,639 50-- 710 00:26:12,739 --> 00:26:14,206 I'M GONNA MAKE A PILE HERE. 711 00:26:15,007 --> 00:26:17,109 * 712 00:27:10,863 --> 00:27:12,631 ** 713 00:27:12,732 --> 00:27:14,300 TREE!