1
00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:30,480
Oh, let's just get in there, baby.
Let's go. Hustle. Here we go.

2
00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:34,480
I love angry sex. This is the best.

3
00:00:34,720 --> 00:00:36,280
Oh, you wanna do it right here, huh?

4
00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:40,360
Oh, yeah... Okay.

5
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:46,040
Give up, already.
Yeah, you know.

6
00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:58,640
I like this girl. Really do.

7
00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:00,440
Sometimes you just know.

8
00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:09,880
I'm not finished.

9
00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:18,800
I tried like a motherfucker
to follow you up...

10
00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:23,760
...but this door, it does a little thing
with the lock when you're inside.

11
00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:27,840
Anyway, here's what I'm thinking.
We start with a blowjob.

12
00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:29,920
Yeah. I mean, obviously, you know?

13
00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:32,320
And most girls
find it rewarding the way I do it...

14
00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:36,960
...because I turn what is normally
a chore into, like, a training session.

15
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:40,720
It's like my own special Head Start
program. Even got Chloraseptic spray.

16
00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:43,240
Do that really well,
we move on to the nasty stuff.

17
00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:46,480
Bring my buddies over, maybe
take some "artsy" pictures, you know?

18
00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:49,520
Do some artsy live streaming video.
Totally tasteful.

19
00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:51,360
Don't worry, I'll get you paid. Easy.

20
00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:53,520
That way you could
get that can opener fixed...

21
00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:56,680
...lipo the back end,
maybe refurbish the balcony.

22
00:01:56,880 --> 00:01:59,760
- Wait, I'm sorry. Is this a bad time?
- Yeah.

23
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:02,280
Real quick, yes to bad timing
or yes, you wanna go...?

24
00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:04,800
- Fuck you!
- Exactly.

25
00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:17,160
- Why won't you just die already?
- I accept your rebuke of my advances.

26
00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:20,240
But for future reference, could you
at least give me a reason why?

27
00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:22,160
How about 10?

28
00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:24,480
I love angry sex. This is the best.

29
00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:27,800
It's gonna be great. Just...

30
00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:36,600
Hey, we're going Dutch
on gas money, you know.

31
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:38,960
Is that your phone?

32
00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:41,880
- Don't you answer?
- I don't know.

33
00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:43,720
Or are you more interested
in me right now?

34
00:02:43,920 --> 00:02:46,280
- I'm...
- Answer your phone. That's my phone.

35
00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:48,680
Shit. Hold on one second. I got it.

36
00:02:48,920 --> 00:02:50,080
Hello.

37
00:02:50,640 --> 00:02:52,320
Hey. Yeah, I got it. I'm a knee guy.

38
00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:54,320
- You need...
- Listen to me. Listen, Sarah...

39
00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:57,280
Shut the fuck up.
I'm not even listen...

40
00:02:57,520 --> 00:02:58,960
Oh, my God! Why aren't you...?

41
00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:00,560
Dick!

42
00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:03,680
- Listen. Sarah, are you pregnant?
- Oh, my God.

43
00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:04,920
I'll just be a minute.

44
00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:07,640
You know what, you expect me
to swallow that horseshit?

45
00:03:07,880 --> 00:03:10,880
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm predictable.
Well, then fucking marry me!

46
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:14,000
- Didn't see that one coming, did you?
- What are you doing?

47
00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:16,680
How am I supposed to know
it was your sister? How was I?

48
00:03:16,920 --> 00:03:19,920
Okay, it was dark, I was drunk
and I thought it was you.

49
00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:24,400
- Oh, she's pregnant too. Talk to her.
- What? No.

50
00:03:24,640 --> 00:03:25,880
Okay, you tell your sister...

51
00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:29,480
...that I'll make a donation
to Planned Parenthood in her honor.

52
00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:33,280
Sarah, my ex.

53
00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:36,120
Big cunt.

54
00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:46,840
Rachel, I apologize.

55
00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:49,360
Sometimes when you try
a new restaurant, it's a gamble.

56
00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:51,640
And today we lost.

57
00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:58,400
I'm thinking to avoid
any sexual obligation, that's you.

58
00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:13,560
Oh, my God.

59
00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:16,560
- Everything okay?
- I can't eat this. I can't.

60
00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:20,360
Perhaps I can interest you in some of
our fabulous Famine Fiesta Fries?

61
00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:23,480
She could use a little more famine
and a little less fried.

62
00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:31,080
Tank.

63
00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:35,440
Okay. Since you have yet to
ask me anything at all...

64
00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:38,640
...I just thought I should tell you
a little bit about myself.

65
00:04:38,880 --> 00:04:39,880
I'm a social worker.

66
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:41,960
- Yeah, I know what you're thinking.
- Yeah?

67
00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:43,720
It's very... It's challenging work...

68
00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:48,080
...but it's so important.
- Whoa, whoa, there, big time.

69
00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:51,440
I'm a customer satisfaction rep
at Airmeister Air Filtration Systems.

70
00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:55,960
That is important work.
Because without air, we cannot live.

71
00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:58,800
What can I get for you tonight?

72
00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:03,200
Is the corned beef quesadilla,
is that any good?

73
00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:05,080
Or what do you recommend?

74
00:05:05,320 --> 00:05:08,760
Do you mean unspoiled? For example,
if you said, "Is this milk any good?"...

75
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:12,320
...your concern would not be with taste
but rather your personal safety.

76
00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:21,040
Hi, my name is Pedro O'Malley.
I'll be your server for tonight.

77
00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:22,560
Something to drink?

78
00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,480
Two Baja Car Bombs on the snap.

79
00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:27,400
Okay, no, I don't drink...

80
00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:30,120
...but thank you.
- I wasn't ordering for you.

81
00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:34,960
- I gotta warn you, the stereo's busted.
- That's okay.

82
00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:37,040
I've got a little bit
of a headache, so...

83
00:05:40,720 --> 00:05:42,280
See?!

84
00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:44,360
It's been like this for a month!

85
00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:47,240
I got it.

86
00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:57,320
These are for your ears!

87
00:05:58,320 --> 00:05:59,480
Thanks.

88
00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:02,560
You look offended by the song!

89
00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:05,800
But if you really listen,
it's not really vulgar.

90
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:10,720
It's about a guy, he's in love. And
I know he's saying, "Pop the pussy."

91
00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:12,880
But it's a metaphor for, like:

92
00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:15,440
"I wanna hug you!"

93
00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:19,240
<i>Pop that pussy
Hug me, hug me, hug me, hug me</i>

94
00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:21,760
It's not about fucking.

95
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:24,040
It's about taking a relationship...

96
00:06:24,240 --> 00:06:26,200
...to another level!

97
00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:29,720
- What?
- Yeah. And now we see it.

98
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:34,080
So we should listen to the whole thing
so you know the story.

99
00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:36,560
Listen, listen.

100
00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:40,920
No, it's easy, all right? She's not
even gonna make it past dinner.

101
00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:43,680
By the time I'm done, she'll know
the difference between...

102
00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:46,360
...what's in the hand
and what's in the bush.

103
00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:49,600
Hi.

104
00:06:49,840 --> 00:06:53,080
- Yeah, we said 7:00.
- I know.

105
00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:55,160
I tutor this high-school girl.

106
00:06:56,240 --> 00:06:58,120
She's part of my Head Start program.

107
00:06:58,360 --> 00:07:01,360
And she's slow, learning-disabled.

108
00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:04,160
It's sad.

109
00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:09,280
Every time I come,
I feel like I'm wasting my time.

110
00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:13,120
- You know, not in her eyes.
- Actually...

111
00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:16,560
No one is doubting your memory,
which is both vivid and damning.

112
00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:19,840
But if I could, I'd like to briefly
challenge points four and seven.

113
00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:23,400
Oh, really? Because, you know what?
I didn't even get to mention...

114
00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:26,320
Oh, my God.

115
00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:28,760
Please stop. Please stop.
Please stop.

116
00:07:39,440 --> 00:07:42,160
So I'll call you later?

117
00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:44,120
- And I'll call the cops, you asshole.
- I had a nice time tonight.

118
00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:52,400
<i>- Hello.
- Josh, I just went on...</i>

119
00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:54,640
<i>- ... the worst date of my life.
- Rachel.</i>

120
00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:58,760
<i>- Hey, look, I'm gl...
- I'm so, so sorry.</i>

121
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:01,640
Why are you sorry?
Baby, I was the one who...

122
00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:05,280
<i>- Can we maybe, you know, grab a...?
- Yeah. Yeah, no, that sounds great.</i>

123
00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:07,880
<i>- Yeah.
- I'd really like that.</i>

124
00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:11,560
Listen, I'm out with a friend right now.
But can I call you?

125
00:08:11,840 --> 00:08:13,960
<i>- What about dinner tomorrow night?
- I'd like that.</i>

126
00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:15,920
Yeah, I'd like that too. All right.

127
00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:19,840
I'm so glad you called. All right, bye.

128
00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:22,720
Told you.
I just show them the difference...

129
00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:25,200
...between what's in the hand
and what's in the bush.

130
00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:27,760
You have mastered
the female psyche.

131
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:30,240
To get them to run,
I make them think that I'm shit.

132
00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:32,720
To get them to come,
I make them think they're shit.

133
00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:34,840
Either way, you're the asshole.

134
00:08:35,560 --> 00:08:37,280
It's what I do.

135
00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:13,000
<i>Sorry.</i>

136
00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:28,240
All right.

137
00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:30,240
Look at you, all white and thin.

138
00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:33,480
I bet if I laid you on this bar,
she could snort you.

139
00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:34,960
Listen, beauty queen.

140
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:38,360
I know people are concerned about
you because you're dangerously thin.

141
00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:41,240
But I'm not one of those people.
Yet I am concerned.

142
00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:42,920
That you've had too many drinks...

143
00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:46,480
...and your fingers are in this bowl
like it's one of your sorority sisters.

144
00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:48,720
These pretzeled devils,
far from complimentary.

145
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:50,680
I mean, baby,
get your head in the game.

146
00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:53,520
Nothing tastes as good
as looking good.

147
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,560
- That is just...
- Excuse me.

148
00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:59,080
Are you psycho? I mean,
how can you even begin to talk to...?

149
00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:00,240
Easy, Urlacher.

150
00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:03,360
Ever notice it's the linebackers
concerned with people not eating?

151
00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:06,440
If the pussy police here would
stop ordering her fries tempura...

152
00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:07,560
I just had a child.

153
00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:10,000
Congratulations.
I'm sure he was probably delicious.

154
00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:11,760
Looks like you
downed the whole thing.

155
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:14,440
You're an asshole.

156
00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:20,240
- You really are an asshole.
- Then walk away.

157
00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:35,000
- Let me just go get my purse, okay?
- Get cigarettes.

158
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:37,920
- Let's go.
- Okay.

159
00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:41,800
Take me. Take me to your house.
Take me right now to your house.

160
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:44,880
- Hey, guy.
- Tank, hey. Tank, this is Renee.

161
00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:46,800
- Yeah. Come here.
- Renee, Tank.

162
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:49,440
- Hey, okay. Two seconds.
- Talk to me for a second.

163
00:10:49,680 --> 00:10:51,920
- Yeah, I'll talk to you all night.
- All right.

164
00:10:52,120 --> 00:10:54,640
Didn't I just save your ass?
I just cleaned up your bed...

165
00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:58,600
...and you're shitting in it again, okay?
Aren't you getting fucking married?

166
00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:01,000
I am getting married...

167
00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:03,480
...but not tonight.

168
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,720
- Renee. Renee, there she is.
- Josh.

169
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:10,040
There she is. She's all mine.

170
00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:16,120
I have to work tomorrow.

171
00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:20,800
Everybody's gotta work tomorrow.
It's Tuesday.

172
00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:25,520
Good one.
I have a strict no-sleepover policy.

173
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:28,520
Yeah.

174
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:38,320
Come on, Tank, it's almost 5.

175
00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:43,080
For some people that's not tonight,
it's tomorrow.

176
00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:52,640
I hate those people.

177
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:09,520
Shit.

178
00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:13,840
Dustin? Yeah, five minutes is fine.
Okay, bye.

179
00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:16,400
- Dude. What the shit?
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

180
00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:20,120
I told you this was happening. As
of now, I'm training for the marathon.

181
00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:24,200
Goal: Run, don't walk. Nothing wrong
with a little bit of discipline.

182
00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:25,760
By the way, you should try it.

183
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:28,360
You need discipline
like I need to miss my period.

184
00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:30,120
Seriously, you're already, like...

185
00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:33,480
...a crazy, insane, OCD alpha-dog...

186
00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:35,360
...cyborg crazy creature.

187
00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:36,920
You mean, I have a job?

188
00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:40,600
And now you're gonna wake me up
at 5:15 every single morning...

189
00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:43,640
...so that eventually
you can run 26 miles in a circle.

190
00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:47,480
Here's the great part. You get to
go back to sleep indefinitely. Yea!

191
00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:54,640
For the record, I am involved in
a very taboo interoffice relationship.

192
00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:58,840
- Morning.
- Good morning.

193
00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:02,760
Dustin, the bad boy
from the wrong side of the tracks.

194
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:04,240
I'm from Lexington.

195
00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:06,200
- Okay, bye.
- Bye.

196
00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:08,240
- See you.
- Yeah.

197
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,360
That's not the secret knock.

198
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:20,560
That's the one. What's going on, man?

199
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,320
I need to move this into your room.
Tonight is the night.

200
00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:26,840
And if all goes according to plan,
consider this move permanent.

201
00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:30,400
<i>- "Lawrence of a Labia"?
- Yeah, in a moment of weakness...</i>

202
00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:34,800
...I bought the entire EFI. The
Erotic Film Institute's top 100. Enjoy.

203
00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:37,280
Where did it go wrong?
You have a serious problem.

204
00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:39,400
Better than taking
sexual frustrations out...

205
00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:42,120
...on a parade of one-night skanks
I'll never see again.

206
00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:43,280
- True.
- Good morning.

207
00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:46,560
Hey, no, no, come here. This
is Dusty, my roommate-slash-cousin.

208
00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:50,440
Not technically related. Our parents
were friends until his mom walked out.

209
00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:53,840
Slash-fuckhead for bringing up
bad family shit at inappropriate times.

210
00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:54,960
It's nice to meet you.

211
00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:57,080
- Nice to meet you.
- Fucking family.

212
00:13:57,320 --> 00:14:00,240
What's the plan? Bring this girl
back here, pop open chloroform...

213
00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:02,240
...insert Tab A into Slot B, repeat?

214
00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:04,960
No. Tonight is the night
I tell her how I feel.

215
00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:08,520
Tank, this girl... This girl is my
soul mate and it's time she knew that.

216
00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:10,920
Not if you want to fuck her.

217
00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:13,960
You, what is the nicest thing
I've said to you since I met you?

218
00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:16,440
You complimented me
on my technique.

219
00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:18,000
Okay, look, I'm not you, okay?

220
00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:21,160
I'm not gonna manipulate her,
I'm not gonna con her.

221
00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:22,920
- I'm just gonna be myself.
- No.

222
00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:26,320
Yourself is a repressed headcase that
beats more meat than Rocky Balboa.

223
00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:29,920
By hiding porn, taking her to joints
you hate, training for a marathon...

224
00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:33,320
...you're not showing the real you.
You're showing a highlight-reel you.

225
00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:37,640
- Thus, in fact, you're conning her.
- You don't get it. You don't get it.

226
00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:40,480
I love her. Alexis...

227
00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:42,920
Alexis is my angel.

228
00:14:45,080 --> 00:14:46,880
You get it, right?

229
00:14:48,080 --> 00:14:50,280
We don't get it. We don't.

230
00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:52,480
Anyway, we can skip this
"call me" scenario.

231
00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:53,760
- I'm already late.
- Great.

232
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:55,520
I wanna know something.
This chick...

233
00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:56,800
- What's her name?
- Alexis.

234
00:14:57,040 --> 00:15:00,240
If this chick Alexis means so much to
you, how come I haven't met her yet?

235
00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:02,280
Because she means
that much to me.

236
00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:06,440
Mazel tov, man.
Love. Angels. Awesome.

237
00:15:06,680 --> 00:15:10,240
What about that girl at camp who
used to let you play with her boobies?

238
00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:13,840
- Jackie? We were 15.
- She looked like a baton with titties.

239
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,080
What about Gracie, love of your life...

240
00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:18,720
...till you caught her blowing Holstein
freshman year?

241
00:15:18,880 --> 00:15:21,440
- What's your point?
- My point is this: Lindsay, gym crush.

242
00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:24,400
Melissa, your barista.
A lot of angels, Dust.

243
00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:27,040
- Why you gotta be such an asshole?
- It's what I do, man.

244
00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:30,120
Good luck. If you need them,
condoms are in the medicine cabinet.

245
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:34,120
If not, Jergens lotion,
underneath my bed.

246
00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:47,480
Dusty, this is absurd.

247
00:15:47,720 --> 00:15:49,640
What? You love steak,
we're eating steak.

248
00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:53,360
- You're a vegan.
- Not tonight. Eat, eat, eat. Enjoy.

249
00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:59,240
I feel a little guilty loving steak
so much and you're a vegan.

250
00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:01,320
But whatever.

251
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:04,200
I love the way you eat.

252
00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:06,360
I love that you eat.

253
00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:08,560
I love that you pay.

254
00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:17,120
Seriously, though, I just love
watching you do anything.

255
00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:20,040
I love it... I love you, Alexis.
I love you.

256
00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:26,000
Oh, shit.

257
00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:32,680
We just said more than once
we're gonna keep it light.

258
00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:36,680
- We work together, we're friends.
- That's what I'm supposed to say.

259
00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:40,040
Right? I mean, I'm supposed to be
the relationship tough guy, you know?

260
00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:41,320
I'm the dude.

261
00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:43,040
The dude can't just come out with:

262
00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:46,120
"I've loved you since the moment
I first saw you, pounding out...

263
00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:48,280
...a lender's agreement,
eating Cocoa Puffs...

264
00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:50,360
...while some pretty boy
drooled over you."

265
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:53,840
- Michi Yamana.
- Yeah, Michi Yamana. Dick.

266
00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:57,160
So I love you, madly.

267
00:16:57,400 --> 00:16:59,080
Sorry. L... l... I know I need to stop.

268
00:16:59,280 --> 00:17:01,920
Now, stop. Just stop speaking,
Dustin. Just shut your mouth.

269
00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:05,880
I'm sorry. Wow, kamikaze, huh?
See, this is what you do to me.

270
00:17:06,120 --> 00:17:07,920
- What do I say here, but...?
- I'm sorry.

271
00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:10,680
But do you know how hard it's been
trying to play it cool?

272
00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:12,440
- It's been five weeks.
- I know.

273
00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:14,080
We haven't even had sex.

274
00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:20,920
Well, that's why we're here, Alexis.
I wanted to talk to you about...

275
00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:24,240
I think I'm ready
to take the next step.

276
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:28,120
Sex isn't a step, Dustin.

277
00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:31,880
Being exclusive would be a step
or moving in together is a step.

278
00:17:32,120 --> 00:17:33,480
Then let's move in together.

279
00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:40,080
I need you to take me home.

280
00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:43,440
But it just felt so right.
It just felt so right.

281
00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:44,920
No, it does, it feels right.

282
00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:49,680
Just not right now.

283
00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:51,920
"Just not right now."

284
00:17:57,840 --> 00:17:59,120
<i>Oh, God.</i>

285
00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:09,040
God, I'm a fag.

286
00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:16,360
- Dude, you canceled Spice.
- It was like 21 bucks a month, dude.

287
00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:20,760
Someone had a rough night.

288
00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:24,120
I'm Mr. Right...

289
00:18:24,360 --> 00:18:27,000
...just not Mr. Right Now.

290
00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:31,920
What...? What does that even mean?
What does that even mean?

291
00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:34,480
- I told her I loved her...
- Oh, no.

292
00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:36,200
What?

293
00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:40,560
I went in early. No, no, I know.
I went in a little early, but she...

294
00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:46,080
- Thanks for your support. Sweet.
- Dustin.

295
00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:49,960
Dusty, look.

296
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:52,560
This too shall pass, all right?

297
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:55,600
But that journey begins...

298
00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:57,680
...with self-exploration.

299
00:18:57,920 --> 00:19:00,040
And I'm holding the map, Dusty.

300
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:01,600
Hey.

301
00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:04,840
Kid, I got your 'bate crate.

302
00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:06,960
You know how much
you love your 'bate crate.

303
00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:09,280
"I'm like comfort food for your penis."

304
00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:14,160
- What do I do?
- Okay.

305
00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:16,720
What do you do?
Okay, let's look at the options.

306
00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:20,400
Stalk her. But you're never gonna
be with her. Love her from a distance.

307
00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:23,560
Never have a family but you could
love her kids from a distance.

308
00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:25,960
Murder-suicide,
but that's trending upward.

309
00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:29,200
- Or I could just hire you.
- No.

310
00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:31,240
- Why not?
- I don't fuck with family.

311
00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:34,680
Well, technically
we're not blood-related. Right?

312
00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:36,560
Go to bed, Dust.

313
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:39,600
You're serious. Okay.

314
00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:41,560
I'll get serious.

315
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:43,880
If I do this...

316
00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:50,000
If I do this, I'm gonna make it
the finest Tank-ing of my career.

317
00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:51,280
My fucking masterpiece.

318
00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:53,960
She'll lose her shit
like a shit collector with amnesia.

319
00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:58,240
I'm talking about a Turkish twist,
epic mindfuck of a Tank-ing, okay?

320
00:19:58,480 --> 00:20:02,880
Her brain'll be rocking back and forth
in the shower for like three weeks.

321
00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:05,960
Okay? I'm talking about
demonic fucking Tank.

322
00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:07,480
I'll be flying up into the sky.

323
00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:11,920
She's gonna cry tears that form
"Call Dusty" on the ground.

324
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:14,680
Yes? Am I doing it?
Tell me I'm doing it.

325
00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:19,160
Okay, that was weird.
And I'm not sure that...

326
00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:21,720
Listen, rain check, maybe though.

327
00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:25,520
Wow, can't believe I almost resorted
to emotional terrorism. I'm sorry.

328
00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:28,080
You're sweet.
Next time with the next one, maybe.

329
00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:30,000
- Thank you.
- I'm here.

330
00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:33,520
A little crazy. Sweet, crazy mostly.

331
00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:39,200
Don't say a word.

332
00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:04,720
God! Son of...

333
00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:08,640
Why? That stupid...

334
00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:14,160
Hi. Tank Turner,
Customer Satisfaction.

335
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:15,600
How may I help you today?

336
00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:18,760
<i>Excuse me, do you have any idea
how long I was just on hold?</i>

337
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:20,760
<i>It's been like an hour and a half.</i>

338
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:22,320
<i>Hello. In your manual...</i>

339
00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:25,000
<i>... you've expressed a possibility
of some odor issues.</i>

340
00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:29,720
<i>"Faint aroma," it says here on page 7.
Come on. "Faint aroma"? Bullshit.</i>

341
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:32,440
<i>It smells like burnt fucking hair, dude.</i>

342
00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:36,880
<i>Because apparently
I paid 49.90-motherfucking-5...</i>

343
00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:41,280
<i>... so that my sweet-ass condo smells
like some Korean cat barbecue.</i>

344
00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:43,280
<i>- Touchdown.
- You lose. You lose.</i>

345
00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:44,960
You suck.

346
00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:49,600
Sir, I will gladly give you a refund, but
that's not gonna solve your problem.

347
00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:52,440
New girl.

348
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:56,480
<i>New girl</i>

349
00:21:57,360 --> 00:21:58,880
<i>Ooh, new girl</i>

350
00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:02,960
Did the emotional terrorist win?

351
00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:06,000
I just... You know, it's funny.
I never noticed your highlights...

352
00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:08,080
...until somebody actually
said something.

353
00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:09,720
They're actually really good.

354
00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:12,560
- Just tell me how it works.
- Let me make this clear.

355
00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:15,600
Before she can love you,
she has to hate me.

356
00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:18,440
But before she can hate me,
she has to like me.

357
00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:20,560
That may be
the hardest part of the equation.

358
00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:21,960
So I set up the meet-cute.

359
00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:24,320
In every movie,
the stars meet in some cutesy way.

360
00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:27,360
Since every woman is looking
for that dreamy, witty, goofy guy...

361
00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:30,880
...of their sitcom, rom-com fantasies,
I've gotta be that thing.

362
00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:32,200
Here.

363
00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:34,640
Lucky slap on the ass. Hit it.

364
00:23:09,040 --> 00:23:10,160
Are you okay?

365
00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:16,800
That was rough. I'm Alexis.

366
00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:27,360
Wow, that looked really real.

367
00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:30,800
- Is that real?
- It's real and it hurts.

368
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:33,640
Okay. So, like, what happens now?
You come back every day...

369
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:36,520
...for a couple weeks. Slowly,
eventually you build her trust.

370
00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:39,320
- Daddy bee's got the honey.
- That's her number.

371
00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:42,160
- Let's go eat.
- How...? How did...?

372
00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:45,680
Now, remember, she's classy.
So maybe a fast-food joint.

373
00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:47,560
Or wait, wait, drive-through.

374
00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:50,560
Do I tell you what flavor of jam
to eat out of your boss's ass?

375
00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:54,000
No. Dusty, it's what I do, okay?
You want offensive locales?

376
00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:56,840
There's a place in Revere,
they let you boil your own dolphin.

377
00:23:57,040 --> 00:23:59,120
Arlington, you can have
a dominatrix waitress...

378
00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:01,960
...take a dump on your lap
while she peppers your Cobb salad.

379
00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:05,320
I know a spot in P-town, you can get
a meat loaf shaped like a cock.

380
00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:08,840
You gotta trust me.
She's not gonna know what hit her.

381
00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:11,000
All right. Good luck.

382
00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:19,440
- Do not wear that, please.
- What am I doing?

383
00:24:19,640 --> 00:24:21,400
Just take this.
This is what you're doing.

384
00:24:21,640 --> 00:24:25,080
Clean the pipes. It's mandatory to
flush them out after a relationship.

385
00:24:25,320 --> 00:24:27,680
That's disgusting.
But seriously, what's wrong with me?

386
00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:29,320
Dustin's a good guy.

387
00:24:29,560 --> 00:24:31,960
- You're such a fucking girl sometimes.
- Pretty good guy.

388
00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:33,520
A good guy? Who cares?

389
00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:37,200
A good guy is, like,
somebody that your parents dig or...

390
00:24:37,480 --> 00:24:40,800
- Listen to me. In the real world... Ami.
- I'm listening.

391
00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:43,440
- In the real world...
- Yes.

392
00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:47,040
What if he's a good man
with a good heart...

393
00:24:47,280 --> 00:24:50,160
...and he's smart? And if
he's not too rough on the eyes?

394
00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:54,440
If "ifs" and "buts" were cocks and nuts,
I'd be getting gangbanged right now.

395
00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:58,000
Seriously. But it's that I wanna teach
you something that took me, like...

396
00:24:58,200 --> 00:25:00,480
...years and years of promiscuity
to learn, okay?

397
00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:02,400
- What is this outfit?
- It's aweso...

398
00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:04,320
Hey, how many guys
have you slept with?

399
00:25:04,560 --> 00:25:07,160
- Like, total? Three, right?
- Two.

400
00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:11,120
- Two?
- I'm a serial monogamist.

401
00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:15,200
Well, okay. That's, like, the first
big, huge problem right there.

402
00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:18,280
Didn't anybody ever tell you
that you have to suck a few frogs...

403
00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:21,120
...before you get to suck a prince?

404
00:25:21,360 --> 00:25:23,160
I believe it's "kiss."

405
00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:25,040
Pretend it's a year abroad, you know?

406
00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:29,680
But instead of going to Europe, you're
gonna bang a whole shitload of dudes.

407
00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:32,360
- It's awesome.
- I haven't been drunk in a long time.

408
00:25:32,600 --> 00:25:34,680
Good. You need it. You need it.

409
00:25:34,920 --> 00:25:38,000
Now tell me something.
What do you see in this box?

410
00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:43,080
- I see into the...
- No, in the box.

411
00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:46,000
An inordinate amount
of masturbatory aides...

412
00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:50,000
...which some,
I pray, are novelty-sized.

413
00:25:51,560 --> 00:25:53,960
Oh, my God.

414
00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:57,120
Okay, that will do nicely.

415
00:25:57,360 --> 00:25:59,600
- You, show her a good time tonight.
- I love you.

416
00:25:59,840 --> 00:26:01,320
- Show her a good time.
- I love you.

417
00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:03,640
- Such a good time. Love you.
- Have a great night.

418
00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:05,000
Don't be scared without me.

419
00:26:05,240 --> 00:26:07,880
- I'll be back. I'll be back.
- Yeah. I'll be waiting...

420
00:26:08,120 --> 00:26:11,040
- She's my roommate.
- I bet she gives great head.

421
00:26:11,280 --> 00:26:13,560
Actually, I'm sure she does.

422
00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:15,240
You're pretty drunk.

423
00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:17,960
I'm pretty ready to rock.

424
00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:22,160
Oh, boy.

425
00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:24,880
Tank, is this a Mustang?

426
00:26:25,120 --> 00:26:26,360
It's a GTO.

427
00:26:27,120 --> 00:26:31,280
- A... Whatever that means.
- Yeah.

428
00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:35,520
Well, listen, I just wanna warn you,
my stereo's busted.

429
00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:38,040
Oh, that's cool. That's cool.

430
00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:46,720
Hey, this is my...
I almost lost my virginity to this song.

431
00:26:58,320 --> 00:26:58,920
- Let's go.
- Yeah, let's go.

432
00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:06,280
- This is a first, Tank.
- Yeah, me too.

433
00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:09,080
Should we sit front row and center?

434
00:27:11,280 --> 00:27:12,960
Oh, wild.

435
00:27:14,360 --> 00:27:16,200
Yeah, can we get
two Long Island Iced Teas?

436
00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:18,440
And put the chop-chop on that, lady.

437
00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:22,000
Could you make mine a double?
And two shots of tequila, please.

438
00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:29,200
Okay, let's slow down, princess.

439
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:32,160
You're getting sloshed
like it's your prom night here.

440
00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:36,360
- I never went to prom. I never went.
- No shock there. I believe that.

441
00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:38,280
I had the date, I had the dress.

442
00:27:38,480 --> 00:27:41,000
But prom was the night my dog
bit my sister in the neck...

443
00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:42,800
...and we had to put him down.
- Shit.

444
00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:45,560
And I will never... Oh, my goodness.

445
00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:48,200
- Ever forget the horror
in little Fraggle's eyes...

446
00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:51,280
...as his paw went limp in my hand.

447
00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:54,120
It was horrible. Blood.
It was just, like:

448
00:27:54,360 --> 00:27:57,200
I'm sure that's not the only thing
that's gone limp in your hand.

449
00:27:57,400 --> 00:28:00,120
I will say it. In all sincerity,
that sucks hard.

450
00:28:00,360 --> 00:28:02,120
It's sad to lose a pet.

451
00:28:02,320 --> 00:28:04,000
Where do they learn how to do this?

452
00:28:04,240 --> 00:28:07,160
- Well, I taught them a few things.
- I wanna know.

453
00:28:10,920 --> 00:28:12,840
That's incredible.

454
00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:16,840
What is that?

455
00:28:17,040 --> 00:28:20,120
- What is that?
- I think we should just fuck tonight.

456
00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:37,040
That looks pretty.

457
00:28:37,280 --> 00:28:39,400
- I'm gonna go pee.
- Got it.

458
00:28:42,160 --> 00:28:43,120
Hey, I can't talk.

459
00:28:43,320 --> 00:28:45,760
- Where are you?
- I'm out, I'm seeing a band.

460
00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:48,400
They suck, but I'm seeing them
so I really can't talk.

461
00:28:48,640 --> 00:28:51,600
- Put your "Guitar Hero" down.
- What the fuck are you talking about?

462
00:28:51,840 --> 00:28:54,840
I'm not playing "Guitar Hero."
It's Saturday night. I'm out.

463
00:28:55,120 --> 00:28:57,360
Just put it down.
We have problems.

464
00:28:57,600 --> 00:28:58,760
All right. What's the story?

465
00:28:59,000 --> 00:29:03,240
I am drunk and he's either
the biggest asshole in America...

466
00:29:03,480 --> 00:29:06,240
...or trying to convince me
he's the biggest asshole in America.

467
00:29:06,480 --> 00:29:10,280
Either way, even a broken clock is
right twice a day, but this guy...

468
00:29:10,480 --> 00:29:12,960
Come on. How better to
appreciate Dustin than to do this?

469
00:29:13,200 --> 00:29:15,560
Than to bang this guy,
who's obviously far inferior...

470
00:29:15,760 --> 00:29:18,640
...but probably hung like Seabiscuit.
Right?

471
00:29:18,840 --> 00:29:22,440
Now go. Go and bang. Bang
like you have never "bung" before.

472
00:29:22,680 --> 00:29:25,080
And do it for Dustin.

473
00:29:27,000 --> 00:29:28,240
Jesus.

474
00:29:28,520 --> 00:29:30,800
- Baby doll...
- Hi.

475
00:29:31,000 --> 00:29:32,200
- Hi.
- I'm Alexis.

476
00:29:32,400 --> 00:29:34,160
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.

477
00:29:34,400 --> 00:29:37,800
And when it comes to love,
there's only one thing you can trust.

478
00:29:38,040 --> 00:29:40,880
It's not your friends,
it's not your head.

479
00:29:41,080 --> 00:29:44,200
It's that little voice
inside your clamburger.

480
00:29:47,960 --> 00:29:50,120
"Listen to me."

481
00:29:58,520 --> 00:30:00,960
Watch this. It's a game.
It's called "Who's at the Door?"

482
00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:02,920
And I look out the peephole.

483
00:30:03,400 --> 00:30:05,000
It's the mailman.

484
00:30:09,480 --> 00:30:12,360
Would it hurt you to play with her tits?
Help me out.

485
00:30:14,600 --> 00:30:16,120
You can stay there. That's good.

486
00:30:16,360 --> 00:30:18,640
Oh, you grab that.
I'll get the next one.

487
00:30:18,840 --> 00:30:21,040
- There won't be a next time.
- Lucky me.

488
00:30:27,120 --> 00:30:30,920
And our motto, basically,
is, "Without air, we..."

489
00:30:31,160 --> 00:30:33,480
"Without air, we cannot live."

490
00:30:34,080 --> 00:30:34,960
- Stop.
- Right.

491
00:30:35,240 --> 00:30:37,560
I get it. You're a dick.

492
00:30:37,800 --> 00:30:40,000
I'm sufficiently offended.

493
00:30:40,400 --> 00:30:41,840
Done.

494
00:31:03,640 --> 00:31:06,320
Coming up?

495
00:31:18,440 --> 00:31:20,240
Suit yourself.

496
00:31:22,320 --> 00:31:25,080
Enjoy the long ride home.

497
00:31:32,240 --> 00:31:33,400
I'm going home, okay?

498
00:31:33,640 --> 00:31:35,520
Why am I going home?
Because I'm going home.

499
00:31:35,760 --> 00:31:39,680
I'm getting in the car. Eyes
in the game and the head in the ball.

500
00:31:39,920 --> 00:31:41,520
Can't do it.

501
00:31:42,640 --> 00:31:44,720
Just start the car.
Just start the car, baby.

502
00:31:44,960 --> 00:31:47,240
Just gotta start the car,
get the fuck out of here.

503
00:31:47,440 --> 00:31:50,720
Why? Because, look. Your head's
in the game, your balls are attached...

504
00:31:50,960 --> 00:31:54,720
<i>...and you're gonna go home
and maybe she'll call you maņana.</i>

505
00:31:54,960 --> 00:31:56,680
Why would she call me?
She'll call Dusty.

506
00:31:56,880 --> 00:31:59,720
Because she's what? Dusty's
girlfriend. Follow the bouncing ball.

507
00:31:59,920 --> 00:32:02,440
She is Dusty's girlfriend.

508
00:32:03,200 --> 00:32:05,000
Listen to me.

509
00:32:08,320 --> 00:32:12,040
What is wrong with you, asshole?

510
00:32:24,440 --> 00:32:29,800
You asked me to trust you.

511
00:32:30,680 --> 00:32:33,400
- And I trusted you.
- Done.

512
00:32:34,000 --> 00:32:34,960
Somehow.

513
00:32:35,200 --> 00:32:36,800
Some way.

514
00:32:39,200 --> 00:32:40,600
Thank you.

515
00:32:45,320 --> 00:32:46,920
Dude, you did it. She just called.

516
00:32:47,120 --> 00:32:49,640
Okay, quote,
"I just had the worst night of my life."

517
00:32:49,880 --> 00:32:52,360
"I just had the worst night of my life."
You did it, man.

518
00:32:52,560 --> 00:32:53,760
We're having lunch tomorrow.

519
00:32:54,000 --> 00:32:55,880
Tank, we're having lunch.
Can you believe it?

520
00:32:56,120 --> 00:32:59,080
Dude, when it comes to being
an asshole, you are a genius.

521
00:32:59,320 --> 00:33:01,160
Genius.

522
00:33:04,200 --> 00:33:05,640
Anything for a friend.

523
00:33:07,160 --> 00:33:10,320
So about the other night.

524
00:33:10,600 --> 00:33:12,480
Okay, I was stupid. I was stupid.

525
00:33:12,720 --> 00:33:16,240
It's just... I've never gone this far
with a girl, emotionally.

526
00:33:16,480 --> 00:33:18,320
- And I just lost it.
- Slow down. Slow down.

527
00:33:18,520 --> 00:33:20,440
I was stupid and harsh...

528
00:33:20,680 --> 00:33:22,000
...and I'm sorry.

529
00:33:22,240 --> 00:33:25,360
Last night I went out
with a real asshole. Horrible.

530
00:33:25,600 --> 00:33:28,040
It just made me realize
that guys like you are so rare.

531
00:33:30,320 --> 00:33:32,520
But it also made me realize
how few guys I've dated.

532
00:33:32,760 --> 00:33:34,680
How few guys
I've actually gone out with.

533
00:33:34,920 --> 00:33:37,280
Like, none. I need to date
and you need to date...

534
00:33:37,520 --> 00:33:40,240
...other people. I'm just saying that...

535
00:33:40,440 --> 00:33:44,520
What I'm trying to say is that
I wanna start over as friends first.

536
00:33:44,760 --> 00:33:47,080
Like, be friends.

537
00:33:47,280 --> 00:33:49,480
I like you as my friend.

538
00:33:56,120 --> 00:33:57,800
Start over...

539
00:33:58,000 --> 00:34:00,040
...as friends first.
- Friends.

540
00:34:00,280 --> 00:34:02,160
Like Harry and Sally.

541
00:34:05,440 --> 00:34:08,840
I think the point of that movie was that
men and women can't just be friends.

542
00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:11,840
No, no, no,
they can be just friends...

543
00:34:12,080 --> 00:34:14,680
...even date other people,
as long as they end up together...

544
00:34:14,960 --> 00:34:17,520
...in the end. As long
as they end up together, right?

545
00:34:17,800 --> 00:34:18,800
Yeah.

546
00:34:19,080 --> 00:34:24,520
This is fun. You know, I'm gonna go
because my sister is getting married.

547
00:34:24,720 --> 00:34:26,600
It's an on-again, off-again,
on-again thing.

548
00:34:26,800 --> 00:34:30,280
She's freaking out, treating me like
her assistant so I'm running all over.

549
00:34:30,480 --> 00:34:32,840
I'm really glad we had this talk,
you know?

550
00:34:35,400 --> 00:34:37,720
Dude. You check out that sandwich
they got downstairs?

551
00:34:37,960 --> 00:34:40,040
Bread is, like,
two slices of freaking pizza, man.

552
00:34:40,280 --> 00:34:41,480
Only in America. Fuck me.

553
00:34:41,680 --> 00:34:45,000
<i>Clean air probably shouldn't stink
like flaming ass nougat.</i>

554
00:34:45,200 --> 00:34:47,080
I got a real fucking tough guy
over here.

555
00:34:47,280 --> 00:34:50,560
I got a guy on the verge of a five-state
killing spree. Do you wanna?

556
00:34:50,800 --> 00:34:52,760
Ready? Three, two, one.

557
00:34:53,040 --> 00:34:55,840
- Let me transfer you to my supervisor.
- Let me transfer you to my supervisor.

558
00:34:56,080 --> 00:34:58,280
- Make me proud.
- Kill it.

559
00:34:58,920 --> 00:35:00,840
Hi, this is Supervisor Eugene Lenay.

560
00:35:01,080 --> 00:35:02,880
- How may I help you?
- How may I help you?

561
00:35:04,680 --> 00:35:06,080
- Please hold.
- Please hold.

562
00:35:08,880 --> 00:35:10,880
Treat her like a bowling ball.

563
00:35:11,120 --> 00:35:12,280
Strike.

564
00:35:12,520 --> 00:35:14,080
Dust, hold on one second, all right?

565
00:35:14,320 --> 00:35:17,280
Sir, I looked into the problem
and it'll actually fix itself.

566
00:35:17,520 --> 00:35:18,960
- What's up, kid?
- You failed, Tank.

567
00:35:19,240 --> 00:35:20,920
She wants to see other people.

568
00:35:21,200 --> 00:35:22,840
She said she wants
to see other people?

569
00:35:23,080 --> 00:35:25,400
She did. That's why
you're gonna take her out again.

570
00:35:25,680 --> 00:35:28,040
Except this time,
you're gonna get seriously diabolical.

571
00:35:28,240 --> 00:35:30,520
I'm talking public defecation.

572
00:35:30,760 --> 00:35:34,080
Dust, you're freaking me out here,
okay? Tank-ing is a subtle art.

573
00:35:34,320 --> 00:35:36,920
You can't go in there crazy
like a dragon with a hemorrhoid.

574
00:35:37,160 --> 00:35:40,040
Besides, what makes you think
she'd ever wanna speak to me again?

575
00:35:41,200 --> 00:35:43,000
Don't worry, I'm taking care of that.

576
00:35:43,240 --> 00:35:45,400
No, you're not. You do... Dust.

577
00:35:45,800 --> 00:35:47,160
<i>Don't do anything, okay? Listen.</i>

578
00:35:48,840 --> 00:35:51,280
I have to teach a training seminar
10 minutes ago. Dusty?

579
00:35:53,360 --> 00:35:54,640
All right.

580
00:35:56,560 --> 00:35:58,600
- You're late, Tank.
- I know.

581
00:35:59,520 --> 00:36:01,000
- You're Tank, right?
- Are you a cop?

582
00:36:01,240 --> 00:36:03,880
No, Roger's friend Sonny
said you fix things.

583
00:36:04,120 --> 00:36:05,160
Walk with me.

584
00:36:05,400 --> 00:36:06,400
- You're late.
- Thank you.

585
00:36:06,640 --> 00:36:09,640
I'm going crazy without her.
Shit-in-the-bed-and-roll-around crazy.

586
00:36:09,840 --> 00:36:10,800
- You're late.
- Shut up.

587
00:36:11,040 --> 00:36:13,240
Okay, religious girl.
How do I bump into her?

588
00:36:13,480 --> 00:36:14,480
- You're late.
- No shit.

589
00:36:14,720 --> 00:36:16,400
She's a high-school English teacher.

590
00:36:16,640 --> 00:36:19,640
Guy can't really hang around a
high school these days, unfortunately.

591
00:36:19,880 --> 00:36:21,680
- She gets her hair done Tuesdays.
- Love it.

592
00:36:21,960 --> 00:36:25,320
What'd you do? Foot in your mouth?
Foot-long in somebody's mouth? Facts.

593
00:36:25,560 --> 00:36:28,680
Let's say you're gonna have to be
a real asshole to make me look good.

594
00:36:28,880 --> 00:36:30,280
It's what I do.

595
00:36:30,480 --> 00:36:32,560
- You're late.
- Yes.

596
00:36:32,800 --> 00:36:34,920
Everybody, you're late.
Don't let it happen again.

597
00:36:35,120 --> 00:36:36,360
I'm Tank and I will be brief.

598
00:36:36,560 --> 00:36:38,840
Here at Airmeister
we have two rules.

599
00:36:39,080 --> 00:36:40,880
No refunds.

600
00:36:41,120 --> 00:36:44,920
The beauty of an air purifier is that
nobody can prove that it doesn't work.

601
00:36:45,160 --> 00:36:48,280
Amanda, you saucy tart.
I want somebody really pissed off.

602
00:36:48,520 --> 00:36:50,680
I'm talking about DEFCON 2
level of anger.

603
00:36:50,920 --> 00:36:52,080
Who do you got for me, baby?

604
00:36:52,320 --> 00:36:56,160
<i>I have just the one for you. She's
furious and asked for you by name.</i>

605
00:36:56,400 --> 00:36:57,840
Put her through.

606
00:37:00,320 --> 00:37:04,080
Tank Turner, Customer Satisfaction.
How may I help you?

607
00:37:04,280 --> 00:37:06,040
<i>Before we even discuss
what I received...</i>

608
00:37:06,280 --> 00:37:07,880
<i>... which is a whole other mystery...</i>

609
00:37:08,120 --> 00:37:09,920
...I demand an explanation
for yesterday.

610
00:37:10,160 --> 00:37:13,000
Ma'am, I'm fully concerned.
What happened yesterday?

611
00:37:13,200 --> 00:37:15,200
Are you gay?
Or are you just an asshole?

612
00:37:15,440 --> 00:37:19,880
Oh, ma'am. Profanity is superfluous
because no verbal affront...

613
00:37:20,080 --> 00:37:23,040
...could be as devastating to me
as your dissatisfaction.

614
00:37:23,280 --> 00:37:24,680
Dissatisfaction?

615
00:37:24,880 --> 00:37:29,160
Yes, I mean if the unit's performance
or lack thereof has left you frustrated...

616
00:37:29,360 --> 00:37:32,520
See, I never saw your unit. I gave
you a chance and you didn't deliver.

617
00:37:32,720 --> 00:37:34,320
Ma'am, you're upset.

618
00:37:34,560 --> 00:37:38,320
I'm upset. I'm upset that you will
never, ever know what it's like...

619
00:37:38,520 --> 00:37:42,240
...to sit on a hot, sweaty
summer night...

620
00:37:42,480 --> 00:37:46,040
...and let that unit blow
its glorious bounty all over your face.

621
00:37:46,960 --> 00:37:49,000
You think after the shit
you put me through...

622
00:37:49,240 --> 00:37:52,840
...that I called just so
you could talk dirty to me?

623
00:37:53,040 --> 00:37:55,440
I gave you a one-time
free hall pass for sex.

624
00:37:55,680 --> 00:37:57,120
<i>Good sex. Hot sex.</i>

625
00:37:57,360 --> 00:38:00,040
L... l... I fucking roofied myself.

626
00:38:02,160 --> 00:38:03,400
I'm a little confused. Amanda?

627
00:38:03,640 --> 00:38:05,320
<i>You're confused?
That makes two of us...</i>

628
00:38:05,560 --> 00:38:08,520
...because I don't know what kind
of asshole acts like an asshole...

629
00:38:08,720 --> 00:38:12,560
...and then when it actually comes
time to be an asshole, walks away.

630
00:38:12,800 --> 00:38:14,520
Like a total asshole.

631
00:38:14,760 --> 00:38:17,240
Making me look like
an even bigger asshole...

632
00:38:17,480 --> 00:38:22,440
...for offering some big-ass asshole
asshole-sex in the first place.

633
00:38:22,680 --> 00:38:24,560
What kind of asshole are you?

634
00:38:27,000 --> 00:38:29,080
This is actually a personal call.

635
00:38:29,360 --> 00:38:31,040
Dude, you are so hired.

636
00:38:31,520 --> 00:38:33,280
Excuse me for a second.

637
00:38:33,680 --> 00:38:34,960
Shit.

638
00:38:35,440 --> 00:38:36,600
Asshole.

639
00:38:51,080 --> 00:38:53,560
Sorry. Offer expired.

640
00:38:59,480 --> 00:39:03,760
Did you really think roses and a poem
would give you a second chance?

641
00:39:04,040 --> 00:39:06,280
You rhymed "apology"
with "apologetically."

642
00:39:06,520 --> 00:39:08,760
- I'm...
- I just felt bad, okay?

643
00:39:09,000 --> 00:39:10,840
You're right,
I do owe you an explanation.

644
00:39:11,080 --> 00:39:13,440
I didn't sleep with you
because you're not attractive.

645
00:39:13,680 --> 00:39:14,920
- There, I said it.
- Oh, thanks.

646
00:39:15,160 --> 00:39:17,080
Thank you so much
because you saved me...

647
00:39:17,320 --> 00:39:19,680
...from what could've been
the worst decision of my life.

648
00:39:19,920 --> 00:39:21,920
- And I've eaten sushi in Tijuana.
- One-nothing.

649
00:39:22,160 --> 00:39:24,640
You're below my standards.
Even for a one-night pity fuck.

650
00:39:24,880 --> 00:39:28,800
- And I've taken down some real hogs.
- Yeah, hogs, cows, sheep.

651
00:39:29,040 --> 00:39:31,280
I bet your sex life is
a regular heavy-petting zoo.

652
00:39:31,520 --> 00:39:33,560
You know what?
You're what we call a two-bagger.

653
00:39:33,800 --> 00:39:35,720
That means I have to wear
a bag on my head...

654
00:39:35,960 --> 00:39:38,120
...just in case
the one on yours breaks.

655
00:39:38,640 --> 00:39:40,200
You sure it's not just a size thing?

656
00:39:40,440 --> 00:39:44,040
Because it's gotta be tough standing at
a urinal, pissing on your own testicles.

657
00:39:44,280 --> 00:39:46,080
At least I can hide my shame
in my pants.

658
00:39:46,320 --> 00:39:47,880
What really sucks is having an ass...

659
00:39:48,120 --> 00:39:51,520
...the size of a miniature
Mediterranean donkey. That suck...

660
00:39:52,320 --> 00:39:53,960
- Don't...
- You think that's too big?

661
00:39:54,200 --> 00:39:56,360
You think that's too small?

662
00:40:13,880 --> 00:40:16,360
So you said do nothing,
but I did something, totally small.

663
00:40:16,560 --> 00:40:19,560
I sent her a couple hundred bucks
worth of roses and a kick-ass poem.

664
00:40:19,800 --> 00:40:21,520
A few stanzas, no big deal.
Did she call?

665
00:40:22,000 --> 00:40:23,120
No, she didn't.

666
00:40:23,360 --> 00:40:26,080
Dusty, these women, they have
a way of getting into our head.

667
00:40:26,320 --> 00:40:28,120
I'm gonna give you
some fresh perspective.

668
00:40:28,360 --> 00:40:30,280
Listen to me.
This girl, I'm getting a hunch.

669
00:40:30,480 --> 00:40:32,600
She's built for destruction.
You can't trust her.

670
00:40:32,840 --> 00:40:35,720
You know who you have to trust,
Dusty? Each other.

671
00:40:36,000 --> 00:40:39,200
Yeah. It's time to let her go.
Maybe get some... You know.

672
00:40:39,440 --> 00:40:41,080
Just let her go. Move on.

673
00:40:41,360 --> 00:40:43,560
You want me to move on?

674
00:40:43,800 --> 00:40:47,120
Give up. Want me to give up. That's
your big plan? I should just give up?

675
00:40:47,400 --> 00:40:50,400
That doesn't quite work for me, okay?
That doesn't quite work for me.

676
00:40:50,640 --> 00:40:52,200
I'm not some sort of misogynist...

677
00:40:52,440 --> 00:40:55,440
...that can just swap out women
like they were batteries, okay?

678
00:40:55,680 --> 00:40:58,400
I love her, Tank. I care more
about this girl than I do myself.

679
00:40:58,640 --> 00:41:00,840
- You will never understand that.
- It's new to me.

680
00:41:01,080 --> 00:41:03,160
She said she wants to be friends.

681
00:41:05,120 --> 00:41:06,680
You know what? I'll give her a friend.

682
00:41:08,360 --> 00:41:10,000
I'll be the best goddamn friend
she ever had.

683
00:41:39,800 --> 00:41:41,000
Today was a good day for us.

684
00:41:41,240 --> 00:41:43,400
We made eye contact,
although I couldn't gauge...

685
00:41:44,840 --> 00:41:45,760
I gotta run.

686
00:41:57,160 --> 00:41:58,040
<i>Turn.</i>

687
00:42:05,480 --> 00:42:06,960
She's really tough to read.

688
00:42:07,200 --> 00:42:08,440
Really tough to read.

689
00:42:08,680 --> 00:42:12,760
I felt like... I felt like
she was a bit distracted.

690
00:42:15,160 --> 00:42:17,320
Totally. Hey, can we do this later?

691
00:42:51,920 --> 00:42:53,600
It's hot.

692
00:42:58,160 --> 00:42:59,680
Where you going?

693
00:43:22,160 --> 00:43:24,200
She's seeing someone.

694
00:43:26,440 --> 00:43:27,720
Dusty.

695
00:43:27,920 --> 00:43:30,320
What are you doing?
You're scaring the shit out of me.

696
00:43:30,560 --> 00:43:33,000
Sitting in the dark like a vampire,
you creepy weirdo.

697
00:43:33,240 --> 00:43:35,120
She's seeing someone.

698
00:43:36,240 --> 00:43:39,600
We don't go out at night.
I get her voice mail after 10.

699
00:43:39,840 --> 00:43:41,760
She's seeing someone.

700
00:43:42,000 --> 00:43:44,520
- And I'm gonna find out who.
- I'm gonna take back "weirdo."

701
00:43:44,720 --> 00:43:47,120
You're giving off more of
a full-blown serial psycho...

702
00:43:47,360 --> 00:43:49,120
...crawlspace-full-of-skin-sombreros
vibe.

703
00:43:49,360 --> 00:43:50,520
Stop. Intervention time.

704
00:43:50,800 --> 00:43:53,160
It's time to forget about Alexis.
Look at me, all right?

705
00:43:53,400 --> 00:43:57,880
It's time to wipe the cobwebs
off your cock and stick something.

706
00:43:58,240 --> 00:43:59,920
I don't think she'd be cool with that.

707
00:44:00,160 --> 00:44:03,440
Look at me, please. You definitely...
You don't need her permission.

708
00:44:03,680 --> 00:44:04,760
You need to get laid.

709
00:44:05,000 --> 00:44:07,560
And if you'll listen to me,
I bet I could make that happen.

710
00:44:07,760 --> 00:44:10,880
This is one of the most important
things that any man can do.

711
00:44:11,120 --> 00:44:12,480
A haircut?

712
00:44:12,920 --> 00:44:14,760
Yes, Dusty, a haircut. Look at me.

713
00:44:14,960 --> 00:44:17,160
You look like Chewbacca and
Sasquatch had a baby...

714
00:44:17,360 --> 00:44:19,640
...the baby took a shit,
and that shit was blinded...

715
00:44:19,880 --> 00:44:21,440
...moments before styling your hair.

716
00:44:21,680 --> 00:44:24,360
- A bit harsh.
- Appointment for Dusty, please.

717
00:44:24,600 --> 00:44:26,120
Grab a seat.

718
00:44:28,000 --> 00:44:30,360
Great article. I've read that.
Sorry to interrupt.

719
00:44:31,600 --> 00:44:34,000
My associate here is looking for
a stylist he can trust.

720
00:44:34,240 --> 00:44:38,280
And this place was recommended to
us by a woman in our prayer group.

721
00:44:38,960 --> 00:44:41,160
Well, is he looking
for something simple or?

722
00:44:41,400 --> 00:44:43,880
Maybe a what-would-Jesus-'do.

723
00:44:47,600 --> 00:44:49,960
- I'm Hilary.
- Hilary, my name is Tank.

724
00:44:50,200 --> 00:44:52,000
- This is Dustin.
- Hi.

725
00:44:53,960 --> 00:44:57,000
So I've got an $85 haircut
so you could have a meet-cute?

726
00:44:57,280 --> 00:44:59,120
Oh, it's $ 110. Worth every penny.

727
00:44:59,360 --> 00:45:01,120
In return,
I'm gonna get you a date with...

728
00:45:01,360 --> 00:45:04,840
Let's just call her a confidence booster.
A slow, fat one down the middle.

729
00:45:05,080 --> 00:45:06,560
I hope that's a baseball metaphor.

730
00:45:06,800 --> 00:45:09,720
This pitch is in your wheelhouse.
Grand slam, upper deck. Game over.

731
00:45:09,960 --> 00:45:12,360
- Hey, beauty queen.
- Hey, I have a question. I'm sorry.

732
00:45:12,600 --> 00:45:14,560
I've got these little...
Is there any way...?

733
00:45:14,800 --> 00:45:16,440
Yeah.

734
00:45:17,560 --> 00:45:18,960
- Shit.
- I'm so sorry.

735
00:45:19,200 --> 00:45:21,440
No, I'm sorry. Sorry.

736
00:45:21,680 --> 00:45:25,240
- Is there any other way we could...?
- Yeah, okay.

737
00:45:25,520 --> 00:45:27,800
Guess what.
We're all set for tonight.

738
00:45:28,480 --> 00:45:30,080
Okay, hold still.

739
00:45:31,440 --> 00:45:34,440
What about, like, frosting my tips?

740
00:45:34,640 --> 00:45:35,800
What are you, a Mini-Wheat?

741
00:45:36,040 --> 00:45:38,800
Listen, this girl's not Alexis.
She's got a bed built for sex...

742
00:45:39,000 --> 00:45:41,000
...not stuffed animals.
- Wait, what?

743
00:45:41,200 --> 00:45:43,960
How do you know that Alexis
has stuffed animals on her bed?

744
00:45:53,080 --> 00:45:54,000
- Wait.
- Oh, my.

745
00:45:54,240 --> 00:45:56,800
- Fuck.
- Oh, my God...

746
00:45:57,040 --> 00:45:59,280
This stuff happens in salons.
Sometimes it's fixable.

747
00:45:59,560 --> 00:46:01,320
- Tell him it's fixable.
- I'm gonna throw up.

748
00:46:01,560 --> 00:46:03,240
Makeup, little shading,
maybe some glue.

749
00:46:03,480 --> 00:46:04,840
How about an eyebrow toupee?

750
00:46:05,040 --> 00:46:07,080
- Where's my eyebrow?
- I don't know what to say.

751
00:46:07,280 --> 00:46:10,040
Oh, God, kill me. Kill me. Kill me!
Where's my eyebrow?

752
00:46:10,280 --> 00:46:11,200
That's a new look.

753
00:46:11,440 --> 00:46:14,120
- You can fix it, right?
- Sure, just pop into my DeLorean.

754
00:46:14,320 --> 00:46:15,880
- It's in the back.
- Don't be a bitch.

755
00:46:16,120 --> 00:46:18,960
- You're the bitch, bitch.
- Hey, gossip girls. Focus on my friend.

756
00:46:19,200 --> 00:46:21,680
- He's follicly deformed.
- Fuck my fucking mother.

757
00:46:21,920 --> 00:46:25,320
Let's come up with this... Dusty, unless
one's missing, nobody's gonna notice.

758
00:46:25,520 --> 00:46:26,560
Yeah.

759
00:46:26,800 --> 00:46:30,360
- Come here. Come here, sit down.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

760
00:46:31,040 --> 00:46:32,960
You gotta be brave, man.

761
00:46:34,000 --> 00:46:35,640
Oh, my God.

762
00:46:36,280 --> 00:46:38,000
- Do it. It's good.
- Come on. It's gonna...

763
00:46:38,240 --> 00:46:40,480
You know what?
I think it's gonna look great.

764
00:46:40,720 --> 00:46:43,880
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- It's gonna be really hot.

765
00:46:45,040 --> 00:46:46,800
- It better be hot.
- Yeah.

766
00:46:49,840 --> 00:46:51,400
Fuck.

767
00:46:52,200 --> 00:46:54,720
Bad, bad times.

768
00:46:56,440 --> 00:46:58,080
Oh, my fucking shit.

769
00:46:59,840 --> 00:47:01,320
I'm coming.

770
00:47:04,040 --> 00:47:06,280
Oh, those are lovely.

771
00:47:07,040 --> 00:47:10,640
And I see
you've got a hairstyle change.

772
00:47:10,880 --> 00:47:14,520
- True.
- Claire, he's here.

773
00:47:14,760 --> 00:47:16,360
Come on in. She'll be right out.

774
00:47:18,200 --> 00:47:22,200
I'm sorry, I was
under the impression that we...

775
00:47:22,440 --> 00:47:26,760
Us? No.
Tank said you needed a lay-up.

776
00:47:27,000 --> 00:47:28,520
Are you calling me a lay-up?

777
00:47:28,720 --> 00:47:30,960
No. God, no. No.

778
00:47:34,520 --> 00:47:36,440
They told me you were taller.

779
00:47:37,760 --> 00:47:40,080
Just for peace of mind,
the father of this child is?

780
00:47:40,360 --> 00:47:43,720
In the middle of a brutal divorce
with the mother of this child.

781
00:47:43,960 --> 00:47:45,160
Cool.

782
00:47:45,360 --> 00:47:47,400
I mean, not cool.
That's not cool. But... But...

783
00:47:47,640 --> 00:47:48,720
Here you go.

784
00:47:48,960 --> 00:47:51,200
Lilies. Thoughtful.

785
00:47:54,760 --> 00:47:57,280
- Sorry.
- I don't wanna give them up.

786
00:47:57,520 --> 00:47:58,840
- Thanks.
- I told you.

787
00:47:59,080 --> 00:48:00,880
My friend said
he was one of the good guys.

788
00:48:01,120 --> 00:48:04,000
I don't know if I would say
I'm one of the...

789
00:48:04,240 --> 00:48:07,720
I've been known to be
a bit of a dog sometimes.

790
00:48:08,560 --> 00:48:11,920
How cute,
he's trying to convince himself.

791
00:48:12,200 --> 00:48:14,760
Oh, no, you're a sweetheart,
and that's okay.

792
00:48:14,960 --> 00:48:18,480
I mean, Claire needs someone like you
after the mess she's been through.

793
00:48:18,720 --> 00:48:20,920
Someone nice.

794
00:48:21,160 --> 00:48:24,320
Nice is nice.

795
00:48:24,560 --> 00:48:25,880
- Should I take those?
- Oh, yes.

796
00:48:27,520 --> 00:48:29,400
I'm sorry, sitter's running a bit late.

797
00:48:29,640 --> 00:48:32,240
Can I get you something
to drink, cutie?

798
00:48:35,600 --> 00:48:37,560
- Yeah, actually, as a matter of fact.
- Okay.

799
00:48:37,800 --> 00:48:39,200
You can.

800
00:48:41,560 --> 00:48:43,240
I'll have what he's having.

801
00:48:43,480 --> 00:48:45,760
- What the fuck?
- What just happened?

802
00:48:46,000 --> 00:48:48,200
- He just said he wants...
- I just, I said...

803
00:48:48,440 --> 00:48:50,520
He looked at Liam,
licked his lips and said:

804
00:48:50,760 --> 00:48:53,080
- "I'll have what he's having."
- Okay, but what I meant...

805
00:48:53,320 --> 00:48:55,360
- What does that even mean?
- What does that mean?

806
00:48:55,600 --> 00:48:58,120
- I'll ex... Let me explain.
- You want me to lactate for you?

807
00:48:58,320 --> 00:48:59,360
- No.
- You want my big...

808
00:48:59,600 --> 00:49:03,120
...life-giving, mothering, nurturing
breasts in your filthy mouth?

809
00:49:03,560 --> 00:49:05,440
What's wrong with you?
There's a child here.

810
00:49:05,680 --> 00:49:07,240
- She's got a child.
- I see the child.

811
00:49:07,440 --> 00:49:09,080
- A child.
- It is a child. I was just...

812
00:49:09,320 --> 00:49:11,000
- You wanna breast-feed.
- What?

813
00:49:11,280 --> 00:49:12,600
That's what this is.

814
00:49:12,840 --> 00:49:16,760
You're some fetishistic monster
who preys on women.

815
00:49:17,000 --> 00:49:19,920
- Okay, I was just kidding.
- You're disgusting.

816
00:49:20,160 --> 00:49:24,120
I was gonna throw myself at you,
and you...

817
00:49:24,800 --> 00:49:25,960
I was just joking...

818
00:49:26,200 --> 00:49:27,520
- Can we just start over?
- Hi.

819
00:49:27,760 --> 00:49:31,160
- I just wanna start...
- Sorry, Laney, we don't need a sitter.

820
00:49:31,400 --> 00:49:34,280
Groucho here made a mark
about suckling at my teat...

821
00:49:34,480 --> 00:49:36,560
...and stealing my baby's milk...

822
00:49:36,800 --> 00:49:38,760
...and is consequently leaving.
- Okay.

823
00:49:39,000 --> 00:49:41,080
- Get the fuck out!
- Okay, I'm really sorry.

824
00:49:41,320 --> 00:49:43,400
- I'm just... I'm sorry.
- No. No more. Just get out.

825
00:49:43,680 --> 00:49:46,040
- I'm really sorry.
- Go, go.

826
00:49:47,160 --> 00:49:48,560
Come here.

827
00:49:53,200 --> 00:49:55,520
You got shot down...

828
00:49:55,760 --> 00:49:58,600
...in a blaze of glory.

829
00:49:59,480 --> 00:50:01,320
You cost me a job, man.

830
00:50:01,520 --> 00:50:05,400
I'm sorry. Let me make it up to you.
How much?

831
00:50:05,640 --> 00:50:08,240
- Forty... Fifty if it's past 11.
- Okay.

832
00:50:08,480 --> 00:50:11,400
Here's 60 for your trouble.
I'm really sorry.

833
00:50:11,640 --> 00:50:13,240
Sweet.

834
00:50:13,480 --> 00:50:17,080
Hey, for another 60,
I'll jerk you off in the parking garage.

835
00:50:18,000 --> 00:50:21,520
Jesus. Do I really
look that desperate?

836
00:50:25,400 --> 00:50:29,000
There's no milk, but I'll let you suck tit
for 5 bucks a minute.

837
00:50:32,320 --> 00:50:33,800
Excuse me.

838
00:51:01,520 --> 00:51:03,480
Alexis!

839
00:51:03,720 --> 00:51:05,600
Alexis!

840
00:51:06,560 --> 00:51:08,120
Alexis, I love you!

841
00:51:08,640 --> 00:51:12,360
I love you, Alexis.
I can't just be friends, okay?

842
00:51:12,920 --> 00:51:15,040
Alexis, come to the door.

843
00:51:17,360 --> 00:51:18,920
Come on.

844
00:51:20,000 --> 00:51:20,960
- Oh, Dobler.
- Hey, hey.

845
00:51:21,200 --> 00:51:24,880
Hi there. I'm so sorry,
your BFF's upstairs with another guy.

846
00:51:25,360 --> 00:51:27,560
Holy shit, what is
going on with your eyebrows?

847
00:51:27,760 --> 00:51:31,400
- Seriously, I think there's something...
- I'm sorry. She's got a guy up there?

848
00:51:31,640 --> 00:51:34,240
But they're just hanging out, right?
Is she seeing this guy?

849
00:51:34,480 --> 00:51:36,440
No, no, no.
No, no, just an occasional bang.

850
00:51:36,680 --> 00:51:38,960
No, no. God, no. How many times
have they gone out?

851
00:51:39,200 --> 00:51:42,120
- How many times have they...? Not...
- They don't go out ever.

852
00:51:42,360 --> 00:51:45,040
No, he just comes over and
he bangs, and then he leaves.

853
00:51:45,520 --> 00:51:47,520
- What?
- You know, she's doing this all for you.

854
00:51:47,760 --> 00:51:51,040
Think about it. She's up there with
her knees by her ears, getting railed...

855
00:51:51,280 --> 00:51:53,800
...so one day she can settle down
with a nice boy like you.

856
00:51:54,040 --> 00:51:55,440
- I love her. I love her.
- Dustin.

857
00:51:55,680 --> 00:51:58,360
- You'd better be ready. I'm serious.
- Alexis.

858
00:51:58,760 --> 00:52:01,000
Alexis. Ale...

859
00:52:04,160 --> 00:52:06,880
Dustin, what are you doing here?

860
00:52:07,720 --> 00:52:09,960
- What is he doing here?
- Well, this is my...

861
00:52:10,200 --> 00:52:11,880
It's Tank.

862
00:52:13,560 --> 00:52:16,360
- This is the guy you're with?
- No, I'm not with anyone.

863
00:52:16,560 --> 00:52:18,280
I'm not... We're not together.

864
00:52:18,480 --> 00:52:21,080
I mean, no offense, Tank,
but we're not...

865
00:52:21,400 --> 00:52:23,840
I told you. I told you that
I was gonna get out there...

866
00:52:24,080 --> 00:52:26,760
...and I was gonna see other people
and I was gonna date...

867
00:52:26,960 --> 00:52:28,800
...and get some experience
under my belt...

868
00:52:29,040 --> 00:52:32,880
...and live my life a little bit. For once
in my life, do something like that...

869
00:52:33,120 --> 00:52:35,240
...and that's exactly what I'm doing.

870
00:52:38,320 --> 00:52:40,120
- Should I go?
- Yes.

871
00:52:40,680 --> 00:52:41,760
- I'm gonna go.
- No, no, no.

872
00:52:42,000 --> 00:52:42,840
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Tank.

873
00:52:43,080 --> 00:52:45,320
- You know what? I'll go.
- No, you don't go, you stay.

874
00:52:45,560 --> 00:52:48,680
I should get going, I have a big day
tomorrow. My roommate's moving out.

875
00:52:48,920 --> 00:52:49,840
I have shit to do too.

876
00:52:50,080 --> 00:52:51,120
- Really?
- Bye.

877
00:52:51,360 --> 00:52:53,320
- I'll call you later.
- I'll call you later.

878
00:52:53,560 --> 00:52:54,760
- No, after you.
- No, you go.

879
00:52:55,000 --> 00:52:56,640
No, no, please, Tank. You go first.

880
00:52:56,880 --> 00:52:58,360
- All right.
- Fine.

881
00:53:02,000 --> 00:53:04,200
- How can I trust you?
- I don't know.

882
00:53:04,400 --> 00:53:08,000
Hey, I wasn't kidding.
You're out by tomorrow morning.

883
00:53:10,320 --> 00:53:11,800
Dusty...

884
00:53:21,640 --> 00:53:23,240
I thought so.

885
00:53:28,800 --> 00:53:31,320
So we remember
the words of Betty Friedan:

886
00:53:31,680 --> 00:53:35,600
"A woman has got to be able to say,
and not feel guilty:

887
00:53:37,040 --> 00:53:38,560
'Who am I...

888
00:53:39,560 --> 00:53:41,920
...and what do I want out of life?"'

889
00:53:42,720 --> 00:53:45,120
That's why my Women's Studies
program will be focused...

890
00:53:45,360 --> 00:53:49,720
...on the liberation,
celebration and exploration...

891
00:53:53,360 --> 00:53:54,600
...of you...

892
00:53:58,280 --> 00:53:59,640
...and you...

893
00:54:02,560 --> 00:54:04,000
...and you.

894
00:54:05,840 --> 00:54:09,600
Enjoy your weekend,
and please try to do so responsibly.

895
00:54:12,400 --> 00:54:15,080
The man is Oprah.

896
00:54:19,840 --> 00:54:22,680
Would you all excuse me
for just one second, please?

897
00:54:27,280 --> 00:54:29,080
- Sherman, Sherman, Sherman.
- Hey, Dad.

898
00:54:29,520 --> 00:54:33,200
If there's anything else I can get for
you, I'm always available, professor.

899
00:54:33,440 --> 00:54:37,480
One of my teaching assistants, and
a very hard-working young woman.

900
00:54:42,440 --> 00:54:46,840
Last night, I fucked her
within an inch of her life.

901
00:54:47,080 --> 00:54:49,680
True story. I'm jamming
her head through the headboard...

902
00:54:49,920 --> 00:54:52,160
...I flip her over, she screams,
"Give me a choker."

903
00:54:52,400 --> 00:54:55,400
I play the choirboy, "What's that?"
Star wipe to five minutes later...

904
00:54:55,640 --> 00:54:58,400
...she's bucking like an epileptic
at a strobe-light convention.

905
00:54:58,640 --> 00:54:59,560
I'm getting scared.

906
00:54:59,760 --> 00:55:02,400
As I'm working out the 911 phone call
in my head, she goes:

907
00:55:06,480 --> 00:55:08,360
Like an air bag.

908
00:55:10,720 --> 00:55:11,880
Now, that's a Tuesday night.

909
00:55:12,720 --> 00:55:13,800
You got a good gig, Dad.

910
00:55:15,160 --> 00:55:16,080
How you doing, son?

911
00:55:18,240 --> 00:55:19,160
Dusty kicked me out.

912
00:55:19,400 --> 00:55:22,600
In all fairness, I was accidentally
sleeping with his pseudo-girlfriend...

913
00:55:22,840 --> 00:55:25,200
...but I feel like shit.

914
00:55:25,440 --> 00:55:27,480
Son, let me tell you a story.

915
00:55:27,720 --> 00:55:30,320
December, 1977,
your mother, God rest her soul...

916
00:55:30,560 --> 00:55:32,760
...throws one of her infamous
pot potlucks...

917
00:55:33,000 --> 00:55:36,240
...and I find myself sozzled in
the boathouse with your Aunt Francie.

918
00:55:36,520 --> 00:55:38,760
Now today, some might consider her
to be zaftig...

919
00:55:39,000 --> 00:55:41,800
...but back then,
she could really hang a sundress.

920
00:55:42,000 --> 00:55:44,680
How I yearned for her.

921
00:55:44,920 --> 00:55:47,560
But I refrained because
it was your mother's sister.

922
00:55:47,800 --> 00:55:50,640
- I get it. I fucked up.
- No. No.

923
00:55:50,880 --> 00:55:53,960
The point is, is that two days later,
I banged the shit out of her...

924
00:55:54,160 --> 00:55:57,680
...in the back of a Bonneville while
your mother filled my prescription.

925
00:55:59,280 --> 00:56:00,840
Best Pontiac sex I've ever had.

926
00:56:02,800 --> 00:56:04,600
Okay, so you approve?

927
00:56:06,680 --> 00:56:10,760
Guilt is just one more thing
trying to asphyxiate us during sex.

928
00:56:11,000 --> 00:56:14,280
You cheat, you feel bad, you watch TV,
you feel better, you cheat again.

929
00:56:23,480 --> 00:56:25,520
All right, you know what?
This girl's different.

930
00:56:25,760 --> 00:56:29,640
She's smart, she's cool,
she's tough, she's a 10.

931
00:56:30,960 --> 00:56:34,760
Ms. Barber, I must apologize
for my son's antiquated phraseology.

932
00:56:35,000 --> 00:56:37,200
Out of desperation,
he continues to assess women...

933
00:56:37,480 --> 00:56:38,640
...a base-10 value number...

934
00:56:38,920 --> 00:56:41,040
...predicated solely
on their physical countenance.

935
00:56:41,320 --> 00:56:42,720
That's...

936
00:56:43,440 --> 00:56:45,800
- That's wrong, Sherman.
- No problem.

937
00:57:02,280 --> 00:57:05,480
I moved from numbers a long time ago.
You rarely find a 10 outside of L.A.

938
00:57:05,680 --> 00:57:08,640
That's ass-up polyurethane. Really
talking about a one through nine.

939
00:57:08,880 --> 00:57:12,000
It was too constricting.
I'm all about the letters now.

940
00:57:12,600 --> 00:57:13,800
J.

941
00:57:15,800 --> 00:57:17,240
She smells like a J.

942
00:57:17,520 --> 00:57:18,760
E over there in the booth.

943
00:57:19,240 --> 00:57:22,600
An E is a 22 on a scale of 26.

944
00:57:22,840 --> 00:57:24,040
It gets easier with practice.

945
00:57:26,160 --> 00:57:28,880
- S.
- Crop-top here, she would be an F.

946
00:57:29,120 --> 00:57:32,400
No, bad skin. She's a G,
maybe an H without the war paint.

947
00:57:32,640 --> 00:57:35,880
But that cougar over there,
Bo Derek with the blue wrap.

948
00:57:36,120 --> 00:57:37,800
- She's a solid L.
- Okay, wait a second.

949
00:57:38,040 --> 00:57:40,040
That woman is 62,
that wrap is a shawl...

950
00:57:40,240 --> 00:57:42,760
...that L is a Y, and
there's a reason they call them Y's.

951
00:57:43,000 --> 00:57:44,560
- Come on.
- Check it.

952
00:57:45,200 --> 00:57:47,920
No, good call, Sherm, good call.

953
00:57:48,200 --> 00:57:50,000
I've gotta get that Lasik.

954
00:57:50,240 --> 00:57:53,640
- So you gonna wing me or what?
- What's the game plan?

955
00:57:54,280 --> 00:57:56,760
Being an educator,
I like to stick to the school grades...

956
00:57:57,000 --> 00:57:59,400
...A, B, C and D.
You, on the other hand...

957
00:57:59,640 --> 00:58:01,920
...should stay with the back 13,
thin out the herd.

958
00:58:02,160 --> 00:58:04,040
Thanks, Dad.
I'm off the market right now.

959
00:58:04,280 --> 00:58:06,640
I told you about this girl.
You know, she...

960
00:58:06,880 --> 00:58:08,480
The other night, we're making love...

961
00:58:08,720 --> 00:58:11,000
...and we're just
laying there afterwards and...

962
00:58:11,240 --> 00:58:13,560
- Sharing the silence?
- Yeah.

963
00:58:13,800 --> 00:58:15,920
What the fuck is wrong with you?

964
00:58:16,200 --> 00:58:17,880
"Making love"?
What are you, Nora Ephron?

965
00:58:18,160 --> 00:58:19,520
<i>Is this some Redbook interview?</i>

966
00:58:19,800 --> 00:58:22,080
You sound like Liberace's
stylist's boyfriend.

967
00:58:22,320 --> 00:58:25,000
"Let's just enjoy the silences
and the caprice together."

968
00:58:25,240 --> 00:58:27,880
- I have no son. I have no son.
- Dad, I dig this girl.

969
00:58:28,120 --> 00:58:30,000
Good, keep talking.
And while you're talking...

970
00:58:30,240 --> 00:58:32,520
...there are cougars on my right
who are clocking us.

971
00:58:32,760 --> 00:58:35,120
- Can you listen?
- Soon as you put on your safari hat...

972
00:58:35,320 --> 00:58:38,680
...and grab your gun.
- Dad, can you just stay here with me?

973
00:58:39,200 --> 00:58:40,120
Of course I can, son.

974
00:58:40,360 --> 00:58:43,440
Since you fucked my chances with
the "Dad" play. Thanks for projecting.

975
00:58:43,680 --> 00:58:46,440
Not to mention the gay-caress
maneuver for the hearing-impaired.

976
00:58:46,680 --> 00:58:48,960
Can't you just be my Dad
for five fucking seconds?

977
00:58:49,200 --> 00:58:53,120
Oh, I'm sorry, you want the real
father-son bullshit. Right this way.

978
00:58:53,360 --> 00:58:56,400
That girl was dating Dusty,
which means she's out of your league.

979
00:58:56,760 --> 00:58:58,040
She was slumming it, Sherman.

980
00:58:59,680 --> 00:59:03,040
"Now, the truth may set you free,
but first it's gonna piss you off."

981
00:59:03,280 --> 00:59:04,680
Gloria Steinem said that.

982
00:59:10,720 --> 00:59:12,840
My son, the booty call.

983
00:59:13,560 --> 00:59:14,800
Thanks for the advice, professor.

984
00:59:24,880 --> 00:59:26,400
Shit.

985
00:59:42,440 --> 00:59:44,400
That was insane.

986
00:59:49,320 --> 00:59:51,040
It was insane, right?

987
00:59:55,520 --> 00:59:56,480
It was...

988
01:00:00,480 --> 01:00:02,440
Hey, can I have some of that?

989
01:00:09,080 --> 01:00:10,480
Who's that guy?

990
01:00:11,000 --> 01:00:13,400
That's Greg, he's an old friend.

991
01:00:15,400 --> 01:00:16,720
Why?

992
01:00:18,400 --> 01:00:22,000
Just I'm seeing, you know,
his arm's a little low on your hip.

993
01:00:22,520 --> 01:00:26,960
One of his hands is almost near
your ass. You know, for a friend.

994
01:00:28,120 --> 01:00:30,680
Did you guys ever hook up? Really?

995
01:00:30,920 --> 01:00:33,840
You're not serious, are you?

996
01:00:34,520 --> 01:00:37,800
No. No, I'm not serious at all.

997
01:00:38,760 --> 01:00:43,000
- I mean, you're in a picture with him.
- Oh, my God, you're serious.

998
01:00:43,800 --> 01:00:45,840
Why don't we have a picture?

999
01:00:48,280 --> 01:00:50,040
I don't know.

1000
01:00:50,640 --> 01:00:52,960
- I can fix that. That's easy.
- No, no, no.

1001
01:00:53,200 --> 01:00:56,200
- No, no. I'm naked. I don't want... Tank.
- Yeah. I know, I want that...

1002
01:00:56,440 --> 01:00:58,000
- Come here. You're pushing me.
- Tank.

1003
01:00:58,240 --> 01:00:59,640
- I'm out of the bed.
- I'm serious.

1004
01:00:59,880 --> 01:01:01,840
- Okay.
- That hurt.

1005
01:01:02,080 --> 01:01:04,320
- I'm tired.
- That really hurt.

1006
01:01:09,560 --> 01:01:12,160
Stupid idea. It's late.

1007
01:01:19,880 --> 01:01:22,240
I gotta work tomorrow.

1008
01:01:23,200 --> 01:01:25,360
Everybody's gotta work tomorrow.

1009
01:01:30,520 --> 01:01:33,240
You don't want me to stay tonight.

1010
01:01:34,680 --> 01:01:37,680
- I just sort of feel like it's...
- Yeah.

1011
01:01:39,680 --> 01:01:41,640
Totally understandable.

1012
01:01:42,520 --> 01:01:43,640
Yeah.

1013
01:03:19,480 --> 01:03:21,200
Hi.

1014
01:03:21,640 --> 01:03:23,640
What happened to 8?

1015
01:03:23,880 --> 01:03:26,920
- Eight's good.
- But you're an hour late.

1016
01:03:27,480 --> 01:03:28,760
Can we make it 9?

1017
01:03:29,000 --> 01:03:31,120
I thought you wanted
to get drinks before dinner.

1018
01:03:31,320 --> 01:03:34,520
I did. And I did.

1019
01:03:34,760 --> 01:03:36,760
Well, I'm not getting in a car
with you.

1020
01:03:37,040 --> 01:03:39,920
Like I tell my students,
even one drink is one drink too many.

1021
01:03:40,200 --> 01:03:43,960
No vehicle necessary, teach.
The place we're going is right here.

1022
01:03:44,200 --> 01:03:45,960
It's good. Let's go.

1023
01:03:59,040 --> 01:04:01,200
This is wrong.

1024
01:04:02,280 --> 01:04:03,640
Let's eat.

1025
01:04:03,880 --> 01:04:05,280
Right there.

1026
01:04:09,080 --> 01:04:12,200
I'm starving. I wanted to show you
this too. Look, it's my new T-shirt.

1027
01:04:13,400 --> 01:04:15,200
"My cock plus your pussy equals..."?

1028
01:04:16,480 --> 01:04:18,240
- "Good times"?
- That's it.

1029
01:04:18,480 --> 01:04:21,320
Welcome to Cheesus Crust,
where pizza is a religious experience.

1030
01:04:21,560 --> 01:04:23,240
How can I ordain your order?

1031
01:04:23,480 --> 01:04:26,200
How is the Pizza of Nazareth?

1032
01:04:26,440 --> 01:04:28,280
People worship it.

1033
01:04:30,400 --> 01:04:32,880
- I'm deeply offended.
- Me too.

1034
01:04:33,120 --> 01:04:34,320
These prices are outrageous.

1035
01:04:34,520 --> 01:04:36,560
Which is why I carry
my Flavor Savior card.

1036
01:04:36,800 --> 01:04:40,720
Fifteen percent off,
all who eat here religiously.

1037
01:04:42,080 --> 01:04:44,040
Do you think this is funny?

1038
01:04:47,160 --> 01:04:48,640
Good night.

1039
01:04:50,040 --> 01:04:52,640
- You people are sinners!
- You should have thought of that...

1040
01:04:52,880 --> 01:04:56,080
...19 years ago before you stopped
my mom from going into that clinic.

1041
01:04:56,280 --> 01:04:57,920
Have a blessed day.

1042
01:05:01,000 --> 01:05:02,640
Fastest ever.

1043
01:05:25,720 --> 01:05:27,760
Even Jesus had to eat.

1044
01:05:28,560 --> 01:05:31,440
- Don't.
- It was a bad date.

1045
01:05:32,160 --> 01:05:35,160
Well, it was supposed to be
a nice night out.

1046
01:05:35,400 --> 01:05:37,920
You know, my last boyfriend
never took me anywhere.

1047
01:05:38,160 --> 01:05:39,560
Ever.

1048
01:05:39,800 --> 01:05:42,400
He'd text me late at night
to come hang out at his place...

1049
01:05:42,680 --> 01:05:45,720
...like he was ashamed
to be seen with me in public.

1050
01:05:46,000 --> 01:05:49,560
- Please don't cry. Wait. Please?
- I'd make excuses for him, you know?

1051
01:05:49,800 --> 01:05:51,680
He's not using me, I'm using him.

1052
01:05:51,960 --> 01:05:55,800
- And I'm in total control...
- Total control and it's not that serious.

1053
01:05:56,040 --> 01:05:57,600
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

1054
01:05:57,840 --> 01:05:58,960
But when that phone rang...

1055
01:05:59,200 --> 01:06:01,520
...my heart leapt, and I was there.
- Totally.

1056
01:06:01,720 --> 01:06:05,360
And now I finally get the chance to
go out on a real date and it's with you.

1057
01:06:05,560 --> 01:06:09,360
- I know, that sucks.
- No, you suck.

1058
01:06:09,600 --> 01:06:12,800
I do. I do suck.

1059
01:06:13,040 --> 01:06:14,680
I suck.

1060
01:06:18,760 --> 01:06:21,480
You must be hungry. Let's go eat.

1061
01:06:23,840 --> 01:06:29,320
My senior year, I take this girl
on a date... Horrible, date from hell.

1062
01:06:29,560 --> 01:06:32,400
About a week later, this frat boy
comes up and he says to me:

1063
01:06:32,600 --> 01:06:35,000
"Only you could make me look good."

1064
01:06:36,480 --> 01:06:38,280
All right? I laughed...

1065
01:06:38,520 --> 01:06:42,320
...until one of his buddies
then came to me and was like:

1066
01:06:42,520 --> 01:06:44,560
"Can you help me with my ex?"

1067
01:06:44,800 --> 01:06:47,760
- Tank was born.
- Yeah. Yeah, really.

1068
01:06:51,640 --> 01:06:54,800
- I'm sorry.
- I understand.

1069
01:06:56,080 --> 01:06:57,360
But...

1070
01:06:57,800 --> 01:06:58,920
...do you enjoy it?

1071
01:06:59,160 --> 01:07:01,280
I'm good at it.
I'm good at being an asshole.

1072
01:07:02,120 --> 01:07:03,680
It's what I do.

1073
01:07:04,280 --> 01:07:06,960
- You're like the anti-Cupid.
- More like the Antichrist.

1074
01:07:09,240 --> 01:07:10,640
Sorry.

1075
01:07:10,840 --> 01:07:13,920
- Sorry.
- It's all right.

1076
01:07:14,840 --> 01:07:17,760
You know, in a cruel, twisted way...

1077
01:07:18,040 --> 01:07:20,440
...you give couples a second chance.

1078
01:07:20,720 --> 01:07:22,080
You're a closet romantic.

1079
01:07:22,840 --> 01:07:25,520
- I don't know about that.
- You are.

1080
01:07:26,200 --> 01:07:28,240
You know you have to
confront this girl, Alexis.

1081
01:07:28,960 --> 01:07:30,360
I can't.

1082
01:07:31,840 --> 01:07:32,800
I can't.

1083
01:07:33,040 --> 01:07:35,600
If you don't do this,
she will never take you seriously.

1084
01:07:35,840 --> 01:07:38,640
You need to march up there
and tell her how you feel.

1085
01:07:39,320 --> 01:07:40,880
Alexis.

1086
01:07:43,000 --> 01:07:45,080
Alexis, it's Tank.

1087
01:07:45,520 --> 01:07:46,840
Yeah.

1088
01:07:50,000 --> 01:07:51,800
I'm just gonna say this.
I'm gonna say it.

1089
01:07:52,040 --> 01:07:55,280
If you value this, us, we...

1090
01:07:55,480 --> 01:07:59,120
...then you will let me take you
on a proper date.

1091
01:07:59,360 --> 01:08:01,040
- In public.
- It's 2 a.m. In the morning.

1092
01:08:01,280 --> 01:08:02,960
Can we do the proper date
another time?

1093
01:08:06,640 --> 01:08:07,960
- Tomorrow.
- Yes.

1094
01:08:08,200 --> 01:08:09,640
Proper date. In public.

1095
01:08:10,280 --> 01:08:11,240
- Get some...
- Good night.

1096
01:08:11,480 --> 01:08:13,520
- Good night.
- Nice shirt.

1097
01:08:30,040 --> 01:08:31,400
Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.

1098
01:08:34,960 --> 01:08:36,920
This is for you.
Have to have a corsage.

1099
01:08:37,160 --> 01:08:39,280
Oh, my God.

1100
01:08:39,480 --> 01:08:42,640
- You gotta be kidding me.
- No, I'm not.

1101
01:08:43,760 --> 01:08:45,720
I never went to prom.

1102
01:08:45,960 --> 01:08:47,520
I remember.

1103
01:08:50,200 --> 01:08:52,160
Oh, yeah, that's right.

1104
01:08:58,880 --> 01:09:01,440
She's got a shank. You might
wanna actually focus on her.

1105
01:09:01,600 --> 01:09:04,640
- They're with me, okay? Thanks.
- Alexis, this is Hilary, our chaperon.

1106
01:09:04,880 --> 01:09:07,280
- Hi. Nice to meet you.
- Hi.

1107
01:09:08,040 --> 01:09:08,960
<i>Thank you.</i>

1108
01:09:10,480 --> 01:09:11,680
You two kids have fun.

1109
01:09:16,440 --> 01:09:18,320
I'm having fun.

1110
01:09:18,520 --> 01:09:22,120
Let's set the stage here.
You're 17 years old.

1111
01:09:22,360 --> 01:09:25,040
As you make the mistake of
heading out onto the dance floor...

1112
01:09:25,240 --> 01:09:27,240
...a fine, young chap
stops you on your way...

1113
01:09:27,480 --> 01:09:30,080
Strikingly handsome. Some
would say ruggedly good-looking.

1114
01:09:30,360 --> 01:09:33,120
He stops you and says, "Excuse me,
would you care to dance?"

1115
01:09:33,360 --> 01:09:36,120
- Don't tell me you dance.
- Me?

1116
01:09:36,360 --> 01:09:37,360
Never.

1117
01:09:40,200 --> 01:09:42,240
Oh, my God.

1118
01:09:43,160 --> 01:09:45,880
- Oh, my God.
- That's it. That's all I've got, really.

1119
01:09:51,480 --> 01:09:52,560
No way.

1120
01:09:57,640 --> 01:09:58,600
For you.

1121
01:09:59,680 --> 01:10:01,240
- Let's go.
- No, I can't...

1122
01:10:01,520 --> 01:10:05,080
You're making this embarrassing-
myself-to-be-cute thing really difficult.

1123
01:10:05,320 --> 01:10:06,680
Look at this, check it out.

1124
01:10:09,080 --> 01:10:12,520
- Did you see that little move?
- I saw it. I wanna see more over here.

1125
01:10:38,280 --> 01:10:39,280
I got caught up.

1126
01:11:02,840 --> 01:11:04,840
- Hi.
- Hey.

1127
01:11:28,280 --> 01:11:29,520
Hey.

1128
01:11:33,720 --> 01:11:35,120
Fun, huh?

1129
01:11:35,400 --> 01:11:36,640
Yeah.

1130
01:11:40,600 --> 01:11:42,920
You know you could have
any girl out there, right?

1131
01:11:43,960 --> 01:11:46,840
Hey, dude, look at me.

1132
01:11:47,080 --> 01:11:48,240
Look at this.

1133
01:11:48,440 --> 01:11:50,240
It's not about
what you look like, man.

1134
01:11:50,480 --> 01:11:51,480
It's right here, okay?

1135
01:11:51,720 --> 01:11:54,880
It's attitude, it's how you look at them.
Pretend you don't give a shit...

1136
01:11:55,120 --> 01:11:58,400
...they will be on you like acne.
Guaranteed or your money back.

1137
01:11:59,480 --> 01:12:03,720
So, then, like, why have you been
such a kiss-ass to your girl all night?

1138
01:12:03,960 --> 01:12:05,840
Pulling out chairs,
throwing out compliments.

1139
01:12:06,080 --> 01:12:10,160
I'm on a different plan. You're on a...
What you... What l...

1140
01:12:10,440 --> 01:12:12,720
"Can I wipe your ass, baby?"

1141
01:12:13,080 --> 01:12:16,240
I was trying to help you, but fuck you.

1142
01:12:16,480 --> 01:12:17,680
Fuck you, you hypocrite.

1143
01:12:17,880 --> 01:12:20,360
"Hey nerd, let me give you
some condescending advice."

1144
01:12:20,600 --> 01:12:21,600
Be cruel to women?

1145
01:12:21,840 --> 01:12:23,400
Fat, pathetic, sad dork.

1146
01:12:23,640 --> 01:12:26,480
- Old man at a high-school prom.
- Husky bitch.

1147
01:12:29,400 --> 01:12:32,120
Don't get ahead of yourself here.
And I'm just curious...

1148
01:12:32,320 --> 01:12:34,520
...but are you seeing anybody?
- No.

1149
01:12:34,760 --> 01:12:36,400
No?

1150
01:12:36,600 --> 01:12:38,560
- Are you?
- No.

1151
01:12:38,840 --> 01:12:41,160
What about that awkward night
with that guy?

1152
01:12:41,400 --> 01:12:42,480
You still calling him?

1153
01:12:42,960 --> 01:12:45,040
He kind of disappeared.

1154
01:12:45,560 --> 01:12:47,280
I haven't heard from him since he quit.

1155
01:12:47,480 --> 01:12:49,800
Maybe you could call him. You know?

1156
01:12:50,040 --> 01:12:52,400
See how he's holding up kind of thing.

1157
01:12:52,880 --> 01:12:55,000
- What?
- Or don't.

1158
01:12:55,240 --> 01:12:57,680
It's... It's your choice.
I mean, I'm just saying...

1159
01:12:57,920 --> 01:13:00,840
- No, I know. It's sweet.
- Polite.

1160
01:13:01,960 --> 01:13:05,560
Even if it is a part of your whole show
that you've got going on tonight.

1161
01:13:05,880 --> 01:13:08,400
You're pulling out all the stops.

1162
01:13:08,920 --> 01:13:11,600
Sweet Tank.
Sweet Tank is way into me.

1163
01:13:15,920 --> 01:13:18,440
You know what, though?
You're right. I should call him.

1164
01:13:20,680 --> 01:13:22,520
I should call him.

1165
01:13:27,480 --> 01:13:28,960
I think I'll say good night.

1166
01:13:29,200 --> 01:13:31,120
- Yes, I will be going.
- Wait, what?

1167
01:13:31,320 --> 01:13:32,720
Good night.

1168
01:13:33,640 --> 01:13:35,480
I got what I wanted. A real first date.

1169
01:13:35,680 --> 01:13:38,200
Although this may be the worst
possible time to admit it...

1170
01:13:38,440 --> 01:13:41,360
...l'm not good at the no-sex thing.
So I'll see you later.

1171
01:13:41,640 --> 01:13:44,080
Hey, if you insist on celibacy...

1172
01:13:44,320 --> 01:13:47,040
...do you think we can have
our second official date on July 7?

1173
01:13:47,280 --> 01:13:48,880
Because my sister is getting married.

1174
01:13:49,120 --> 01:13:51,880
And it would be great...

1175
01:13:52,120 --> 01:13:54,280
...if you'd come with me.

1176
01:13:55,000 --> 01:13:57,280
Yes, I can do that.
But I'm gonna walk away...

1177
01:13:57,520 --> 01:13:59,600
...because...
- You're missing out.

1178
01:14:00,720 --> 01:14:03,080
After a while, crocodile.

1179
01:14:09,320 --> 01:14:11,920
You know, it was really cool
of you to call, Alexis.

1180
01:14:12,160 --> 01:14:15,000
Lunch, wedding errands.
Just like old times, huh?

1181
01:14:15,280 --> 01:14:18,120
I haven't seen you since I took
my leave of absence from work.

1182
01:14:18,360 --> 01:14:19,760
Yeah, I heard you quit.

1183
01:14:20,000 --> 01:14:23,360
Oh, no, no, no, I just...
I took a sabbatical. A sabbatical.

1184
01:14:23,600 --> 01:14:25,400
I just wanted to do
some soul-searching.

1185
01:14:32,920 --> 01:14:35,640
- My sister picked it out.
- Well, you should thank her.

1186
01:14:35,880 --> 01:14:38,640
- The whole world should thank her.
- Well, you're welcome.

1187
01:14:38,840 --> 01:14:41,160
- Speaking of the devil.
- Oh, my gosh.

1188
01:14:41,400 --> 01:14:43,240
I love it. I love it so much.

1189
01:14:43,480 --> 01:14:45,360
This is my friend, Dustin.
This is my sister.

1190
01:14:45,600 --> 01:14:46,680
- Oh, hi.
- No. Get over here.

1191
01:14:46,960 --> 01:14:48,600
- What?
- Congratulations.

1192
01:14:48,880 --> 01:14:50,960
Alexis will not shut up about you,
the wedding...

1193
01:14:51,200 --> 01:14:53,480
That was really smart.
That was so smart, yeah.

1194
01:14:53,720 --> 01:14:55,680
See, I brought mine too. Hi.

1195
01:14:55,920 --> 01:15:00,000
It's really the only opinion
that means anything these days.

1196
01:15:00,240 --> 01:15:01,240
Oh, my gosh.

1197
01:15:02,040 --> 01:15:04,120
You have to see my dress.
Great, now.

1198
01:15:07,280 --> 01:15:09,040
- Yeah, I did it when...
- Alexis, I'm sorry.

1199
01:15:09,280 --> 01:15:11,840
I'm the...
I'm the dress-shopping gay pal?

1200
01:15:12,080 --> 01:15:14,520
I just think that now's
not the time to set her straight.

1201
01:15:14,760 --> 01:15:16,240
She's a little crazy, she's manic.

1202
01:15:16,480 --> 01:15:18,720
I get that we're in slow-down mode...

1203
01:15:19,000 --> 01:15:21,000
...but I'm not gonna, like,
meet your parents...

1204
01:15:21,240 --> 01:15:24,520
...under the pretext of the gay friend.
I mean, that's ridic...

1205
01:15:24,760 --> 01:15:27,960
What? No, I don't mean "meet
your parents" meet your parents.

1206
01:15:28,200 --> 01:15:31,120
I just mean at the wedding,
I'm sure I'll casually bump into them...

1207
01:15:31,360 --> 01:15:33,480
- That's... What?
- I'm sorry, excuse me one second.

1208
01:15:33,720 --> 01:15:35,280
- Dustin, you need to...
- What? What?

1209
01:15:35,520 --> 01:15:38,200
Yeah, what? What is it? What?
Is something wrong?

1210
01:15:38,440 --> 01:15:41,920
- Do you not want me to come?
- You've got it all...

1211
01:15:42,160 --> 01:15:45,520
- You... You don't want me to?
- Wrong.

1212
01:15:45,720 --> 01:15:48,080
Yeah, no. No.

1213
01:15:48,280 --> 01:15:50,520
- Totally. You know what? Sorry.
- Dustin, I have to...

1214
01:15:50,800 --> 01:15:53,280
- That was presumptuous.
- Promise me you won't be upset...

1215
01:15:53,560 --> 01:15:55,720
...if I tell you something.
- Yeah, what?

1216
01:15:56,240 --> 01:15:58,040
I'm seeing somebody.

1217
01:15:58,280 --> 01:16:02,440
And so I asked him
to come with me to the wedding.

1218
01:16:04,840 --> 01:16:06,360
- You're... You're upset.
- No. What?

1219
01:16:07,320 --> 01:16:09,440
Upset? No. Why would I be upset?

1220
01:16:09,760 --> 01:16:11,720
Come on. That's crazy.

1221
01:16:11,960 --> 01:16:15,200
Like I'm a guy that gets upset.
Come on. More like happy.

1222
01:16:15,440 --> 01:16:17,640
You know? I'm happy that...
That, you know.

1223
01:16:17,880 --> 01:16:20,880
- That you found someone special.
- It still feels a little short.

1224
01:16:21,120 --> 01:16:22,760
I still think that if you put the...

1225
01:16:23,000 --> 01:16:24,680
- So, dish.
- I just wanna make sure my...

1226
01:16:24,920 --> 01:16:26,520
Who is he?

1227
01:16:26,800 --> 01:16:30,520
Yeah, I think that's too much shoe.

1228
01:16:31,960 --> 01:16:35,240
Man-ischewitz, Sherman,
look at you.

1229
01:16:35,480 --> 01:16:37,600
You remind me of me
on my wedding day.

1230
01:16:37,840 --> 01:16:40,920
I was one nasty son of a bitch.

1231
01:16:42,200 --> 01:16:45,040
- Dad, why did Mom marry you?
- Who makes this tux? Versace?

1232
01:16:45,240 --> 01:16:47,720
- Pop, come on. Fess up. Dad.
- Where'd you get this tux?

1233
01:16:47,960 --> 01:16:50,680
- The black on black.
- Come on, Dad, really.

1234
01:16:52,960 --> 01:16:54,680
Your mother was
an incredible woman...

1235
01:16:54,960 --> 01:16:58,520
...but she had awful judgment.

1236
01:16:58,760 --> 01:17:01,080
She was always trying to
find the better man inside me.

1237
01:17:01,360 --> 01:17:05,360
Unfortunately, she found him
inside of her psychotherapist, Janine.

1238
01:17:05,840 --> 01:17:06,760
Not good.

1239
01:17:07,000 --> 01:17:10,680
See, I always knew that your mom was
the best it was ever gonna get for me.

1240
01:17:10,880 --> 01:17:13,760
And I never asked the more
important question, which is:

1241
01:17:14,000 --> 01:17:16,000
Was I the best it was
ever gonna get for her?

1242
01:17:20,440 --> 01:17:21,960
You're not so bad, Pop.

1243
01:17:25,400 --> 01:17:28,280
I'm a fraud, Sherman. Yeah.

1244
01:17:28,480 --> 01:17:30,640
And I'm a selfish asshole.

1245
01:17:36,960 --> 01:17:38,800
And so are you.

1246
01:17:39,720 --> 01:17:41,840
So I want you to get out there...

1247
01:17:43,280 --> 01:17:45,480
...and I want you to revel in it.

1248
01:18:05,800 --> 01:18:07,600
- Oh, my God.
- Hi.

1249
01:18:07,800 --> 01:18:09,720
- You are hot as a pistol.
- You look handsome.

1250
01:18:09,960 --> 01:18:12,760
- No, you. I am very...
- I am so impressed with you.

1251
01:18:12,960 --> 01:18:15,080
...impressed. You look beautiful.

1252
01:18:15,640 --> 01:18:18,400
- Do you like the red lipstick?
- I wanna do you right here.

1253
01:18:18,640 --> 01:18:20,560
Okay, I gotta go... Josh.

1254
01:18:20,800 --> 01:18:24,160
My future brother-in-law. Josh,
I want you to meet my boyfriend, Tank.

1255
01:18:24,400 --> 01:18:26,040
Hey, Josh. I'll be your groom...

1256
01:18:26,280 --> 01:18:28,760
<i>...in today's performance of
Fuck Me, I'm Getting Married.</i>

1257
01:18:29,000 --> 01:18:31,760
Okay, well, I'm gonna go
tame Bridezilla.

1258
01:18:32,000 --> 01:18:35,000
- You want me to come? Lex?
- No, I'll look out for him. All right?

1259
01:18:35,280 --> 01:18:37,640
- Just breathe for a second, all right?
- I am breathing.

1260
01:18:37,880 --> 01:18:39,000
Now adapt.

1261
01:18:39,240 --> 01:18:40,520
- Are we adapting?
- Yeah.

1262
01:18:40,760 --> 01:18:42,400
Are we ready to evolve?

1263
01:18:42,640 --> 01:18:45,200
You let fly one word
about our arrangement...

1264
01:18:45,400 --> 01:18:47,360
...I will crush your nuts into butter.

1265
01:18:47,600 --> 01:18:50,360
Like the kind at the health-food store,
but not so good for you.

1266
01:18:50,560 --> 01:18:52,680
But... But, but...

1267
01:18:53,120 --> 01:18:56,400
...you play ball, I will plant your flag
right next to mine. All right?

1268
01:18:56,600 --> 01:18:59,120
I will make you family.
And believe me, Tank...

1269
01:18:59,360 --> 01:19:01,560
...you wanna be family.

1270
01:19:02,680 --> 01:19:04,440
- Money.
- Jesus Christ.

1271
01:19:04,680 --> 01:19:06,840
Like, "money" money.

1272
01:19:07,080 --> 01:19:09,400
Old money, new money,
fuck-me money, fuck-you money.

1273
01:19:09,640 --> 01:19:10,920
Family money, money.

1274
01:19:11,160 --> 01:19:14,080
Okay, yeah.
Josh, you got me all wrong.

1275
01:19:14,320 --> 01:19:17,360
No. I know exactly
who you are, all right?

1276
01:19:17,560 --> 01:19:20,240
It's Alexis who's got you all wrong.

1277
01:19:20,440 --> 01:19:22,920
Let's do what we do, brother.
Hey, Merrilee.

1278
01:19:23,640 --> 01:19:25,800
- Brian.
- Now, I've told you, fella...

1279
01:19:26,040 --> 01:19:28,080
...from here on out,
it's strictly Mom and Dad.

1280
01:19:28,280 --> 01:19:31,000
I'd like to introduce you to
your next son-in-law, Tank Turner.

1281
01:19:31,240 --> 01:19:32,800
This is Alexis' guy.

1282
01:19:33,040 --> 01:19:36,080
- I've heard so much about you.
- That is unfortunate.

1283
01:19:36,360 --> 01:19:38,000
Forget it all.

1284
01:19:38,240 --> 01:19:39,760
- Tank.
- Hi.

1285
01:19:43,000 --> 01:19:46,320
Tank Turner is an asshole.

1286
01:19:46,920 --> 01:19:49,760
- You brought Satan to my wedding?
- Well, he's changed.

1287
01:19:50,000 --> 01:19:51,960
Or he's going to change.
Or he's changing.

1288
01:19:52,200 --> 01:19:53,280
No.

1289
01:19:53,520 --> 01:19:55,920
I'm sorry, but that is not enough.

1290
01:19:56,120 --> 01:19:58,720
Okay, maybe he's this fun vacation
on the dark side...

1291
01:19:58,960 --> 01:20:01,320
Rachel, Rachel, Rachel,
I'm falling in love with him.

1292
01:20:01,840 --> 01:20:03,120
What?

1293
01:20:04,200 --> 01:20:05,680
I love him.

1294
01:20:15,160 --> 01:20:17,400
- Hey, so...
- So many things that I want...

1295
01:20:17,640 --> 01:20:19,280
Oh, come here.

1296
01:20:24,520 --> 01:20:28,680
- I gotta go. I'm going. I'm leaving.
- Go.

1297
01:20:48,520 --> 01:20:51,160
Are you the best
it's ever gonna get for her?

1298
01:21:01,880 --> 01:21:03,320
Are you?

1299
01:22:15,320 --> 01:22:18,600
If anyone here can show just cause
why these two should not be joined...

1300
01:22:18,840 --> 01:22:23,680
...let them speak now
or forever hold their peace.

1301
01:22:23,960 --> 01:22:25,640
White dress.

1302
01:22:26,360 --> 01:22:28,560
Chick's seen more dick than this guy.

1303
01:22:29,800 --> 01:22:31,400
Ridonculous.

1304
01:22:36,440 --> 01:22:40,760
I've been wanting to come over here
because I was reminded of a joke.

1305
01:22:41,440 --> 01:22:44,560
A priest and a Rabbi are at a wedding.
Who knew?

1306
01:22:45,080 --> 01:22:48,880
And they see a small boy
bending over to tie his shoe.

1307
01:22:49,160 --> 01:22:51,200
So the priest says to the Rabbi:

1308
01:22:51,480 --> 01:22:53,440
"God, I'd really love to screw that kid."

1309
01:22:53,720 --> 01:22:57,120
And then the Rabbi says,
"Out of what?"

1310
01:22:59,000 --> 01:23:01,760
It's a visual thing,
because the kid is basically like this.

1311
01:23:02,000 --> 01:23:03,080
He's bending over.

1312
01:23:05,240 --> 01:23:06,880
Dirty Houdini. You gotta try this.

1313
01:23:07,120 --> 01:23:10,520
While you're giving it
to your lady from behind, okay?

1314
01:23:10,760 --> 01:23:12,440
Very important.
You gotta be behind her.

1315
01:23:12,680 --> 01:23:14,840
Start making some sounds
like you're gonna bust...

1316
01:23:15,080 --> 01:23:16,160
...then you pull out.

1317
01:23:16,400 --> 01:23:19,440
As you pull out, you let a little dribble
of saliva trickle down...

1318
01:23:19,720 --> 01:23:22,640
...onto the small of her back.
She thinks it's over, she flips over:

1319
01:23:22,880 --> 01:23:24,160
"Good, I can go to sleep."

1320
01:23:24,400 --> 01:23:26,520
Fireman's hose. All over.

1321
01:23:30,960 --> 01:23:32,760
- I don't get it.
- You don't get it?

1322
01:23:33,000 --> 01:23:35,920
Here's what you're gonna do.
Go ask your mom. Right there. Pound.

1323
01:23:42,120 --> 01:23:43,240
Ready, and wow.

1324
01:23:44,600 --> 01:23:46,480
It's like lifting a coffin.

1325
01:23:47,840 --> 01:23:50,320
Oh, Nana. You have a lead vagina.

1326
01:23:54,960 --> 01:23:56,720
Hello? Yeah, I can talk.

1327
01:24:01,960 --> 01:24:04,000
- You weren't gonna drink.
- Can't have a glass...

1328
01:24:04,240 --> 01:24:05,720
...to celebrate the holy sacrament?

1329
01:24:05,960 --> 01:24:07,960
- Is that Jägermeister I smell?
- I don't know.

1330
01:24:08,200 --> 01:24:09,880
Wine, huh?

1331
01:24:11,760 --> 01:24:13,240
- No.
- Don't get into any trouble.

1332
01:24:13,480 --> 01:24:16,000
- I'm don't-ing. I'm don't-ing.
- Don't get into any trouble.

1333
01:24:24,480 --> 01:24:26,640
For their first dance
as a married couple...

1334
01:24:26,880 --> 01:24:31,200
...l'd like to present to you
Rachel and Josh.

1335
01:24:43,160 --> 01:24:44,160
Sorry.

1336
01:24:45,080 --> 01:24:46,800
Can I have this dance?

1337
01:24:47,040 --> 01:24:48,240
Not a good time? Okay.

1338
01:24:48,440 --> 01:24:52,720
Sorry, everybody. This is their night.
I'll clean that up. It's the chicken.

1339
01:24:53,720 --> 01:24:55,520
The bride and groom.

1340
01:25:01,560 --> 01:25:04,320
I'm gonna grab these. Clean.
I washed them after I threw up.

1341
01:25:04,560 --> 01:25:07,160
How are you? There's
a lot of talent here tonight, okay?

1342
01:25:07,400 --> 01:25:10,960
Lookit, lookit that one right over there.
Check out the lungs on that one.

1343
01:25:11,400 --> 01:25:13,800
That's Rachel's cousin. She's 15.

1344
01:25:14,040 --> 01:25:16,040
She's gonna be a scuba diver
when she grows up.

1345
01:25:16,280 --> 01:25:18,160
Not that you don't have
some stuff going on.

1346
01:25:18,400 --> 01:25:20,760
I'd part you like the Red Sea
and let you call me Moses.

1347
01:25:20,960 --> 01:25:23,320
I would open you up like
a public pool on Memorial Day.

1348
01:25:23,560 --> 01:25:25,360
Three words:

1349
01:25:25,600 --> 01:25:27,000
Let's eat.

1350
01:25:27,680 --> 01:25:29,520
It's okay, I got the sleeve. I caught it.

1351
01:25:29,720 --> 01:25:32,120
Usually they come in twos
and threes, so that's...

1352
01:25:34,680 --> 01:25:37,080
Cocaine, you know,
just kind of gets me sneezy.

1353
01:25:37,280 --> 01:25:40,200
And you, by the way, look lovely.
I just wanted to...

1354
01:25:40,440 --> 01:25:42,920
...say a hello to you.

1355
01:25:47,120 --> 01:25:48,520
All right.

1356
01:25:53,120 --> 01:25:55,480
Weddings get me hot and hard,
know what I'm saying?

1357
01:25:55,680 --> 01:25:57,240
What do you got going on?

1358
01:25:57,480 --> 01:25:59,840
I want that in my fucking mouth.

1359
01:26:03,160 --> 01:26:04,880
When's the last time
you shit your pants?

1360
01:26:05,080 --> 01:26:07,720
- Today. Today.
- You shit your pants today?

1361
01:26:07,960 --> 01:26:10,880
- I shit my pants yesterday.
- Today!

1362
01:26:11,120 --> 01:26:13,800
- Me, today.
- Just a little. But not a whole shit.

1363
01:26:14,040 --> 01:26:17,680
Hey. Hey, Alexis sent me
to look for you, so let's go.

1364
01:26:18,040 --> 01:26:20,440
Let me just take a snapshot
of you in my mind right now.

1365
01:26:20,680 --> 01:26:23,280
Gross. Fuck, I can
smell you from here, dude.

1366
01:26:23,480 --> 01:26:26,720
- How drunk are you right now?
- I had massive amounts of alcohol.

1367
01:26:26,960 --> 01:26:29,440
I'm embarrassed.
But I'm sobering up now...

1368
01:26:29,680 --> 01:26:31,520
...and I feel better.
Having a little chat.

1369
01:26:31,760 --> 01:26:35,000
With my friend.
Taking a breather. Breathing.

1370
01:26:36,920 --> 01:26:39,480
Fucking goddamn it.
What do you call that shit, A. J?

1371
01:26:39,720 --> 01:26:42,120
Afghani-Kush Kryptonite.

1372
01:26:42,360 --> 01:26:45,560
Kryptonite. It killed Superman.
I'm just a man.

1373
01:26:45,800 --> 01:26:48,880
You really are, like, a super
special kind of asshole, aren't you?

1374
01:26:49,120 --> 01:26:50,960
I ride the special-kind-of-asshole bus.

1375
01:26:51,160 --> 01:26:53,200
- Do you really?
- All right. Okay.

1376
01:26:53,960 --> 01:26:55,920
- One more bite.
- What are you doing?

1377
01:26:56,160 --> 01:26:58,560
Alexis is gonna freak out
when she sees this.

1378
01:26:58,800 --> 01:26:59,880
- No she won't.
- Yeah. Yeah.

1379
01:27:00,120 --> 01:27:01,800
- She's understanding.
- Oh, my God, dude.

1380
01:27:02,040 --> 01:27:04,920
- She's never gonna forgive you.
- All right. I'm coming. I'm coming.

1381
01:27:06,880 --> 01:27:08,280
- What a day.
- Yeah.

1382
01:27:09,680 --> 01:27:11,920
May I partake?

1383
01:27:12,520 --> 01:27:15,400
My daughter got married today.

1384
01:27:15,640 --> 01:27:18,920
- Wonderful.
- Oh, God, I feel old.

1385
01:27:19,160 --> 01:27:24,400
I bet back in the day, you were
one hot slice of fuckberry pie.

1386
01:27:27,600 --> 01:27:31,120
You bet your sweet ass I was.

1387
01:27:32,640 --> 01:27:35,640
Hey. I love your shoes.

1388
01:27:36,480 --> 01:27:38,360
So are we gonna do this or what?

1389
01:27:40,600 --> 01:27:41,720
Come on, it's not gonna
suck itself, Mama.

1390
01:27:42,800 --> 01:27:44,720
Oh, my God.

1391
01:27:44,960 --> 01:27:47,040
Who is this guy?

1392
01:27:48,760 --> 01:27:51,080
And he's ruining my entire wedding.

1393
01:27:51,320 --> 01:27:54,280
He ruined my dance,
my actual dance.

1394
01:27:54,520 --> 01:27:57,640
No, it's ruined.
And... Why did you bring him here?

1395
01:27:57,880 --> 01:27:59,560
It's disgusting.

1396
01:28:01,400 --> 01:28:04,680
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

1397
01:28:04,920 --> 01:28:07,680
- Are you kidding me?
- He really?

1398
01:28:10,360 --> 01:28:13,000
I got a bass-ackward way of
showing it, but I care about you.

1399
01:28:13,240 --> 01:28:15,840
Tank. Tank! How could you?!

1400
01:28:16,440 --> 01:28:18,960
My ex, Sarah. Cunt.

1401
01:28:20,560 --> 01:28:22,600
Oh, no. You're not gonna
walk away from me.

1402
01:28:22,840 --> 01:28:24,560
You're gonna talk to me.
This is insane.

1403
01:28:24,760 --> 01:28:26,760
Who is that person, huh?
Who is that guy?

1404
01:28:27,000 --> 01:28:29,400
This is me. I'm an asshole.

1405
01:28:29,640 --> 01:28:32,200
You had your chance with a good guy
and you threw it away.

1406
01:28:32,440 --> 01:28:33,640
- Who?
- Dustin.

1407
01:28:33,880 --> 01:28:36,760
- You have no right to tell me...
- No, Dustin. Dustin's here.

1408
01:28:37,000 --> 01:28:38,880
Dustin. Dustin?

1409
01:28:39,160 --> 01:28:40,200
- Dustin?
- Be careful.

1410
01:28:40,440 --> 01:28:42,160
Tank!

1411
01:28:51,960 --> 01:28:53,440
It's time you all knew the truth.

1412
01:28:53,680 --> 01:28:56,440
Would you stop? If I go down,
you're coming with me, okay?

1413
01:28:56,680 --> 01:29:00,640
Okay? So I'm sure every...

1414
01:29:01,520 --> 01:29:02,440
Don't touch.

1415
01:29:03,800 --> 01:29:06,600
I would like to share something
with you about Mr. Tank Turner.

1416
01:29:06,840 --> 01:29:09,480
Surely by now he's charmed his way
into your hearts... Stop.

1417
01:29:09,720 --> 01:29:12,600
Charmed his way into your hearts
but I've got something to tell you.

1418
01:29:12,840 --> 01:29:14,560
Tank Turner is a fraud.

1419
01:29:14,800 --> 01:29:16,520
Okay? Why don't you
take a walk with me?

1420
01:29:16,760 --> 01:29:19,480
- Hey! Come with me, okay?
- Dustin.

1421
01:29:19,720 --> 01:29:22,120
Would you guys like to know
what this man...? Excuse me.

1422
01:29:22,360 --> 01:29:24,560
- What this man does as a hobby?
- Stop.

1423
01:29:24,800 --> 01:29:27,560
- You stop! You stop! Okay?
- Please.

1424
01:29:27,800 --> 01:29:28,720
- Hold on.
- I'm sorry.

1425
01:29:28,920 --> 01:29:32,360
Let's say, for example...

1426
01:29:32,600 --> 01:29:35,800
...I get dumped by my girl.

1427
01:29:36,040 --> 01:29:40,200
And I want to pay him
to go out with her...

1428
01:29:40,440 --> 01:29:42,600
- Oh, boy.
...terrorize her...

1429
01:29:42,840 --> 01:29:46,640
...and have her come screaming back
into my arms.

1430
01:29:46,880 --> 01:29:49,080
So your Mr. Perfect...

1431
01:29:49,320 --> 01:29:50,480
Your Mr. Perfect...

1432
01:29:50,720 --> 01:29:56,560
...is actually Mr. Asshole-
Dickhead-Shitface-Guy, okay?

1433
01:29:57,600 --> 01:30:01,520
Alexis, l... l...
I loved you so much.

1434
01:30:01,720 --> 01:30:06,160
I did. And I just,
I couldn't bear to lose you...

1435
01:30:06,400 --> 01:30:10,800
...and so I made a deal
with the devil.

1436
01:30:11,000 --> 01:30:14,640
That's what I did. Which is pathetic.

1437
01:30:14,920 --> 01:30:16,280
- I'm a pathetic fool.
- Yeah, okay.

1438
01:30:16,560 --> 01:30:19,720
- But... But what does that make him?
- Okay, stop. Stop it.

1439
01:30:19,960 --> 01:30:22,520
Just tell me this isn't true.

1440
01:30:25,080 --> 01:30:26,840
Ask him.

1441
01:30:27,920 --> 01:30:29,280
- Baby, sorry.
- You make me sick.

1442
01:30:29,520 --> 01:30:32,480
- Ask him.
- I hate you.

1443
01:30:33,880 --> 01:30:35,520
- Ask him.
- I'm gonna kill you!

1444
01:30:35,760 --> 01:30:37,520
I'm gonna kill you!

1445
01:30:37,720 --> 01:30:40,000
- I work on referrals.
- Okay.

1446
01:30:41,240 --> 01:30:43,720
You're honestly gonna tell me...

1447
01:30:44,800 --> 01:30:48,560
...that you and I, that's nothing?

1448
01:30:49,080 --> 01:30:50,680
That's nothing?

1449
01:30:52,640 --> 01:30:54,800
I'm just a job?

1450
01:30:55,800 --> 01:30:59,760
I need you to tell me.
Tank, tell me right now...

1451
01:31:00,000 --> 01:31:01,920
...that I'm just a job.

1452
01:31:02,160 --> 01:31:05,760
- Tell me to my face.
- You're just a job.

1453
01:31:10,680 --> 01:31:12,480
Just a job.

1454
01:31:12,720 --> 01:31:15,360
I never wanna see you again.

1455
01:31:16,360 --> 01:31:17,840
Yeah.

1456
01:31:18,080 --> 01:31:20,240
Alexis. Alexis.

1457
01:31:20,520 --> 01:31:22,360
I'm gonna kill you!

1458
01:31:51,000 --> 01:31:52,840
Motherfucker.

1459
01:32:12,960 --> 01:32:15,480
<i>You have one new message.</i>

1460
01:32:16,440 --> 01:32:18,320
<i>Dust, you were right.</i>

1461
01:32:18,520 --> 01:32:20,520
<i>Alexis is an angel...</i>

1462
01:32:20,760 --> 01:32:23,440
<i>... and she deserves the best.</i>

1463
01:32:25,040 --> 01:32:27,080
<i>And that's you.
So I'm sorry it took so long...</i>

1464
01:32:27,320 --> 01:32:29,800
<i>... but I finally did
what you hired me to do.</i>

1465
01:32:30,040 --> 01:32:32,640
<i>I got a bass-ackward way of
showing it, but I care about you.</i>

1466
01:32:32,880 --> 01:32:35,720
<i>Tank. Tank! How could you?!</i>

1467
01:32:35,960 --> 01:32:38,360
<i>My ex, Sarah. Cunt.</i>

1468
01:33:10,160 --> 01:33:11,680
Did you love her?

1469
01:33:11,920 --> 01:33:14,280
Do you love her?
That's all I wanna know.

1470
01:33:15,760 --> 01:33:17,840
I don't even know what that means.

1471
01:33:18,040 --> 01:33:20,920
Yeah. Well, apparently, neither do I.

1472
01:33:21,280 --> 01:33:23,800
All I know is that me and her
ends up with her hurt.

1473
01:33:24,040 --> 01:33:25,360
It's inevitable.

1474
01:33:25,560 --> 01:33:28,000
Turners and women, right, Pop?

1475
01:33:28,280 --> 01:33:29,520
Yeah.

1476
01:33:31,600 --> 01:33:33,760
I banged a lot of women, Sherman.

1477
01:33:34,480 --> 01:33:36,280
I've been banging
since back in the day...

1478
01:33:36,520 --> 01:33:38,920
...when you were
laminating pictures of them.

1479
01:33:39,160 --> 01:33:41,200
So, yeah, that's me.

1480
01:33:41,800 --> 01:33:44,640
That's this guy, but that ain't you.
No.

1481
01:33:44,880 --> 01:33:48,120
Last night, you proved something
that I have long feared.

1482
01:33:48,360 --> 01:33:49,840
And that is...

1483
01:33:50,080 --> 01:33:52,160
...you may just
take after your mother.

1484
01:33:53,960 --> 01:33:57,520
Yeah, I can't believe you actually
tried to give Alexis up for me.

1485
01:33:58,120 --> 01:33:59,200
I know, dude.

1486
01:33:59,480 --> 01:34:01,240
- That's pretty fucked up, right?
- Yeah.

1487
01:34:01,480 --> 01:34:03,440
I mean, if that's not love...

1488
01:34:04,240 --> 01:34:06,080
Yeah, I'm sorry, man.

1489
01:34:06,600 --> 01:34:09,520
I'm sorry. I'm the guy who...

1490
01:34:11,080 --> 01:34:12,920
You were my best friend.

1491
01:34:13,560 --> 01:34:15,120
I still am.

1492
01:34:16,840 --> 01:34:18,800
You guys gonna make out now, huh?

1493
01:34:19,040 --> 01:34:21,800
Go ahead, stick your tongue
in his mouth. That'll clear the air.

1494
01:34:24,680 --> 01:34:26,040
How about a?

1495
01:34:33,120 --> 01:34:37,080
Look, I know I kind of lost it for a while,
but now I'm seeing things clearly.

1496
01:34:37,320 --> 01:34:39,160
You need to get her back.

1497
01:34:41,240 --> 01:34:43,120
- But I don't deserve her.
- No, you... Tank.

1498
01:34:43,360 --> 01:34:45,720
If you were willing to give her up,
you deserve her.

1499
01:34:46,080 --> 01:34:48,440
That's fucked up, but you're right.

1500
01:34:50,840 --> 01:34:52,920
She's my angel
and it's time she knew.

1501
01:34:53,160 --> 01:34:54,960
Yes. So, what's stopping you?

1502
01:34:55,120 --> 01:34:56,880
I propositioned her mother
for a blowjob.

1503
01:34:58,280 --> 01:35:00,760
Man, that is great.

1504
01:35:01,000 --> 01:35:03,360
That is so great. Yes.

1505
01:35:04,240 --> 01:35:06,920
Alexis! Alexis, wait.

1506
01:35:07,160 --> 01:35:08,520
Alexis.

1507
01:35:08,760 --> 01:35:10,440
Just hear me out, all right? Listen.

1508
01:35:10,680 --> 01:35:13,280
Nope. Nope. Nope.

1509
01:35:13,520 --> 01:35:14,800
I did it for you.

1510
01:35:15,000 --> 01:35:17,480
I pushed you away because
I thought I didn't deserve you.

1511
01:35:17,720 --> 01:35:20,960
- You don't.
- So I made a mistake.

1512
01:35:21,200 --> 01:35:23,600
- Many.
- I know.

1513
01:35:23,840 --> 01:35:25,920
- I will never do better than you.
- I know.

1514
01:35:26,160 --> 01:35:28,000
- I need you in my life.
- I know.

1515
01:35:28,240 --> 01:35:30,960
- And I wanna apologize.
- I don't want it.

1516
01:35:31,160 --> 01:35:33,520
Good, because it's not for you.

1517
01:35:33,760 --> 01:35:36,360
I wanna apologize to myself.

1518
01:35:36,600 --> 01:35:39,920
I'm sorry, Tank,
that you blew it with Alexis.

1519
01:35:40,160 --> 01:35:42,360
- But you did.
- Because I thought you deserved...

1520
01:35:42,600 --> 01:35:43,920
...someone better than me.

1521
01:35:44,120 --> 01:35:47,680
But when I'm with you,
it's like I'm better than me.

1522
01:35:48,120 --> 01:35:51,720
You're the only person that could ever
make me do cardio. And I hate cardio.

1523
01:35:51,960 --> 01:35:55,240
I wanna faint, I want a cigarette
and I have a massive cramp.

1524
01:35:55,480 --> 01:35:57,680
But I would run a marathon for you.

1525
01:36:03,120 --> 01:36:05,080
- Okay.
- Fuck me.

1526
01:36:05,320 --> 01:36:07,200
You ruined my sister's wedding.

1527
01:36:07,480 --> 01:36:10,480
But I saved her life.
That guy was a fucking fuckface.

1528
01:36:10,760 --> 01:36:14,600
- You curse incessantly.
- I will never swear again.

1529
01:36:14,840 --> 01:36:16,240
Fuck. Last one.

1530
01:36:16,480 --> 01:36:19,680
- My parents hate you.
- Well, they'll come around.

1531
01:36:19,920 --> 01:36:21,120
Except your mother.

1532
01:36:21,360 --> 01:36:22,280
And your dad.

1533
01:36:22,520 --> 01:36:25,240
- Your job is a joke.
- A joke? I sell air.

1534
01:36:25,480 --> 01:36:26,800
I do the impossible every day.

1535
01:36:27,000 --> 01:36:28,640
Have you ever even read a book?

1536
01:36:28,880 --> 01:36:30,480
<i>The Giving Tree.</i>

1537
01:36:30,880 --> 01:36:33,360
- And?
- Among others. Countless others.

1538
01:36:33,560 --> 01:36:36,240
- Tank.
- I'll join a book club.

1539
01:36:36,960 --> 01:36:39,560
What's the matter?
You can't keep up?

1540
01:36:40,600 --> 01:36:43,600
You are not passionate
about anything.

1541
01:36:43,840 --> 01:36:47,080
Except you. I'm passionate about you.
As evidence, consider the fact...

1542
01:36:47,320 --> 01:36:49,360
...that I've been running
for two goddamn hours.

1543
01:36:49,560 --> 01:36:51,680
- I need to stop and rest.
- You sabotage dates.

1544
01:36:51,920 --> 01:36:54,080
You're a professional asshole.
That's what you do.

1545
01:36:54,320 --> 01:36:57,360
No. It's what I did.

1546
01:36:58,120 --> 01:37:01,120
Tank, I just don't think
you're the one.

1547
01:37:04,120 --> 01:37:07,000
Not yet, but I'll get there.

1548
01:37:18,640 --> 01:37:19,880
You okay?

1549
01:38:30,080 --> 01:38:32,880
Without air, we cannot live.

1550
01:38:34,360 --> 01:38:36,240
I think those words resonate
with people...

1551
01:38:36,480 --> 01:38:40,040
...because they're really true,
you know?

1552
01:38:45,200 --> 01:38:46,480
What?

1553
01:38:47,480 --> 01:38:49,400
I thought... I thought that was a joke.

1554
01:38:49,920 --> 01:38:53,920
- It wasn't. What are you talking about?
- Nothing.

1555
01:38:54,160 --> 01:38:55,440
Air?

1556
01:38:55,640 --> 01:38:58,520
Because I don't really think
there's anything funny about air.

1557
01:38:58,720 --> 01:39:00,560
It's kind of too important.

1558
01:39:10,600 --> 01:39:12,080
Asshole.

1559
01:39:15,320 --> 01:39:16,240
- Hi.
- Hi.

1560
01:39:16,440 --> 01:39:17,400
- I'm Alexis.
- Hi.

1561
01:39:17,640 --> 01:39:19,960
Do you wanna know what
this guy did? He humiliated me.

1562
01:39:20,200 --> 01:39:22,120
- He embarrassed me. He literally...
- Alexis.

1563
01:39:22,360 --> 01:39:23,440
I'm having a conversation.

1564
01:39:23,680 --> 01:39:26,840
I'm having a conversation.
It's with her, it's not with you.

1565
01:39:27,800 --> 01:39:29,840
What this guy did to me
makes me sick every day.

1566
01:39:30,080 --> 01:39:31,600
Physically ill.

1567
01:39:31,840 --> 01:39:34,160
But is that like lovesickness
or like hatesickness?

1568
01:39:34,360 --> 01:39:36,480
- No, it's like morning sickness.
- What?

1569
01:39:37,840 --> 01:39:40,960
Yeah, I'm pregnant, okay?
So I'm sorry.

1570
01:39:41,720 --> 01:39:43,760
It makes me a little emotional.

1571
01:39:43,960 --> 01:39:47,080
- You're pregnant?
- Yes, I'm fucking pregnant!

1572
01:39:47,320 --> 01:39:48,960
I probably should go.

1573
01:39:49,200 --> 01:39:50,600
But how? It's...

1574
01:39:51,840 --> 01:39:53,600
How do you think?

1575
01:39:53,840 --> 01:39:55,120
That's right, everybody.

1576
01:39:55,320 --> 01:39:59,280
This asshole got me pregnant.

1577
01:39:59,880 --> 01:40:03,280
- I definitely think I should go.
- Okay, I didn't know. I didn't know.

1578
01:40:03,480 --> 01:40:04,720
If you think that's bad...

1579
01:40:04,960 --> 01:40:07,080
...you should hear what this guy
did to my sister.

1580
01:40:07,320 --> 01:40:11,560
- Alexis, I've apologized a million times.
- He got her pregnant too.

1581
01:40:12,280 --> 01:40:14,800
So there's two of us
having a baby together...

1582
01:40:15,000 --> 01:40:18,200
...about three and a half weeks
apart.

1583
01:40:18,440 --> 01:40:19,880
- Yeah.
- It was dark, I was drunk...

1584
01:40:20,120 --> 01:40:21,520
...and I thought it was you.

1585
01:40:21,720 --> 01:40:23,160
Right?

1586
01:40:27,000 --> 01:40:29,840
I'm gonna go now.
It was nice meeting you.

1587
01:40:30,040 --> 01:40:32,200
Yeah, nice to meet you too.

1588
01:40:33,680 --> 01:40:34,760
What's going on here?

1589
01:40:35,800 --> 01:40:37,920
Oh, I'm just saving another girl...

1590
01:40:38,160 --> 01:40:40,720
...from the worst sex
she'll ever have in her life.

1591
01:40:45,280 --> 01:40:47,560
Well, your mother never complained.

1592
01:40:49,440 --> 01:40:52,560
You wanna know why
I didn't return your e-mails?

1593
01:40:53,240 --> 01:40:54,680
Your pathetic calls?

1594
01:40:55,960 --> 01:40:59,160
You are unattractive. I said it.

1595
01:41:01,000 --> 01:41:03,040
I'm not attractive.
Well, let's put it this way.

1596
01:41:03,280 --> 01:41:06,320
I would kick your ass right now,
but my foot might get sucked in.

1597
01:41:08,240 --> 01:41:12,360
I'd kick your dick right now,
but my foot might get herpes.

1598
01:41:13,120 --> 01:41:15,720
Well, you know, you can
stop trying to be clever, Alexis.

1599
01:41:15,960 --> 01:41:19,320
The funniest thing that'll ever
come out of you is me.

1600
01:41:19,800 --> 01:41:21,760
All right, Tank.

1601
01:41:22,000 --> 01:41:24,240
You got the best joke here.

1602
01:41:25,280 --> 01:41:26,880
And it's in your pants.

1603
01:41:37,360 --> 01:41:39,200
- I hate you.
- I hate you too.

1604
01:41:39,440 --> 01:41:41,080
Oh, baby.