Love sure is a funny thing.
Makes you happy. Makes you sad.
Makes you do all sorts of things...
you never thought you'd do before.
In fact, love's the reason...
I'm laying here dying.
- Uh-huh. - No, there's not.
- Oh, I see it, there it is! - Told ya.
- I don't see it. - It's right there.
Steven!
- I still don't see it. - Steven!
Come on, honey.
Now, Steven.
We wanna tell you something very important,
but I want you to know that it doesn't change a thing.
We're still gonna love you.
- You're still- - You're adopted.
- It's true. - Ow.
You're a very special little boy.
But do you know why?
Because we chose you.
Your mother's right, son.
It's because we love you.
We put some money in a paper bag...
and gave it to your real mommy in the hospital parking lot...
so you could come home with us, okay?
It hurt a bit.
But I decided I wasn't gonna let that get me down.
Let's go, people, let's go!
No way.
Where's the crash cart?
I decided I would be the best son, no, the best person I could be.
IN THE RESURRECTION MORNING...
WHEN THE TRUMP OF GOD SHALL SOUND...
WE SHALL RISE, WE SHALL RISE.
WE SHALL RISE, HALLELUJAH.
WE SHALL RISE, AMEN. WE SHALL...
RISE HALLELUJAH...
ON THE RESURRECTION MORNING.
WHEN DEATH'S PRISON BARS ARE BROKEN...
WE SHALL RISE, WE SHALL RISE.
- Morning, Steven. - Bill.
- You got somethin'. - Thanks, darlin'.
- Hey, Steven. - Hey, guys.
- How's it hangin'? - Oh, to the left.
Ho, gunslinger. Look out.
- Smitty. - Hey, Steve.
- Weiss. - Hey, Steven.
And you've got a chocolate bar and a piece of cake.
You got a loose tooth.
That's 2 that's coming in, isn't it?
I brushed my gums.
I got your nose. Look at that.
That's your finger.
No, it's not. It's your nose.
I can smell you.
You smell really good.
You have lots of dreams, okay?
Okay.
- Good night. - Good night.
Good night.
And if it wasn't for you, Jesus...
I would have never found that last coffee filter.
And Prayer Girls would have been ruined for sure.
- So, thank you for that. - Amen.
And for Stephie's allergy screen coming back all negative.
That would have been a nightmare.
I know that it was in your plan for her to enjoy nuts in her life...
and not end up like little Wendy who blew up like a balloon and...
they had to cut a hole in her throat so that she could breathe.
And, finally...
I would like to thank you for this man, Jesus.
This man who works so hard to make us happy,
This man who pursued me to the ends of the Earth...
and promised me a life of eternal happiness.
And he's kept that promise,
oh, Lord, he has.
- Every day. Amen. - Amen.
It's just sometimes I wanna cry when I think about how happy I am.
It's like the time you were there-.
Deb, you know how as a cop I have access to records and things?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Do you think it would be unethical for me to use that to find my mother?
What?
I think that's probably something that you need to think about.
And maybe at another time?
Right. I shouldn't have done it.
You did it? What'd you find?
I haven't looked. It's downstairs.
Steven! Oh, my God. Let's go look!
- Oh, wait, hold on. - What?
Let me finish.
It's chicken scratch, mostly.
- Ooh, what's that? - She's right here.
She's been here the whole time.
- Is that her? - Without question.
Well, that's wonderful.
You want me to make some cookies? I'm gonna make some cookies.
Let's make some cookies. You wanna make some cookies?
No cookies?
He's in Defib!
Where is the fucking crash cart?
And one. And two. And three.
Charge to two hundred.
And one. And two.
Clear.
Recharge 300.
Truth be told, the reason I became a cop was to find my real mother.
Maybe it wasn't the right thing to do.
Maybe it wasn't the moral thing to do.
But, hell. I just wasn't hearing it.
Look at that.
Is something wrong, Officer?
Are you Barbara Bascombe?
Yes. Is something wrong?
You gave a baby up for adoption, correct?
I don't think I know what you're talking about.
Okay.
You were young.
You made a mistake giving me away.
Mom, please, let me finish.
We all make mistakes.
I came here to say I forgive you.
Because none of us is perfect.
With a fresh start, we can build.
I have no idea what you're talking about, Steven.
Just tell me why!
Go away!
Okay, okay, I understand. It's a lot at once.
I'll come back, how's that?
I'll come back later.
I'll bring us some coffee...
and we can talk about why you abandoned me...
and kept your other two children!
I was the middle child.
What was wrong with me?
What was wrong-.
Oh, shit. I broke your screen.
I'm so sor-. I broke your screen.
Oh, fuck it.
You know what? I'm gonna take this mat.
'Cause it's a lie.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU.
I'm goin'.
I quit the force that day.
I packed up my family and I moved to Texas.
Take these in the kitchen.
Steven? Hi. Come on up.
You haven't met our new neighbors yet.
Across the street and down two. Neil and Sara.
No, I haven't.
I hope you're changing the paint.
What do you call that color?
No, we're changing it.
Good, good, good.
Debbie tells me you used to be on the police force back in Georgia.
Virginia Beach.
I kinda lost interest, you know.
Went back into the family business.
What's that?
Produce. I work for Cisco.
Always fresh, never frozen.
It's got great benefits, too.
Yeah, and the hours don't crush me.
Plenty of home time.
Yeah, now I can keep my eye on him.
Among other things.
No.
Watch out.
I'm gonna come. I'm gonna come!
Do it, man. Come in my ass.
Did I forget to mention I'm gay?
Yep. I'm gay. Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay.
Have been as long as I remember.
Hey, look up. I see a pony.
What do you see?
I see a diesel train.
I see a whirly-bird.
I see a wiener.
What? What kinda wiener?
Shut up. There's no wiener.
Uh-huh.
No, there's not.
Oh, I see it. There it is.
I still don't see it.
Now, where was I? Oh, yeah.
Do it, man. Come in my ass.
And I did.
I have been living a lie for a long, long time.
I tend to do that. Hide things.
So I told Debbie I had clients to entertain or...
I was working late, just little lies.
Sometimes you have to shave a little off the puzzle piece...
just to make it fit.
But of course life has a way of forcing these things into the light.
You might even call it an epiphany.
I haven't lived my life.
- Try not to speak, sir. - Fuck you.
No one's gonna tell me what to do anymore.
No more lies.
I'm gonna live my life my way.
Be the real me.
Buy what I want do what I want, fuck who I want.
My way.
Okay, sir. Whatever you say.
- I'm gonna be a fag. - Okay.
- A big fag. - All right.
You hear me? I'm gonna be a fag.
Faggot!
That's what they're gonna call me.
Yep, just like that...
I decided to start my life over and live it like the real me.
Of course it was a delicate situation.
So I'd have to find the right way to break it to Debbie.
You're what?
I'm gay!
Life was good.
I moved to Florida got two adorable pups...
and a boyfriend named Jimmy.
I swear. I bought anything that caught my eye.
Clothes jewelry, you name it I snatched it up.
I was the guy everyone called to find out where the new hotspots
were clubs, bars, restaurants.
I knew them all.
And sometimes I'd even stay at hotels on the weekend because...
I heard they had great bathrooms.
Or room service. Or really hot bellboys.
But it didn't take me long to realize something
that never occurred to me before.
Actually, no one ever really talks about this, but...
Cash or charge?
being gay is really expensive.
Charge.
but it was nowhere near good enough...
for living as high on the gay hog as I wanted to.
- US-1, right? - Finest in the land.
For a guy with no college education...
my options were...
limited.
Oh, my back!
Oh, I can't believe I slipped on virgin oil.
Ah, don't touch me. Oh, no, don't tou-. Oh.
So, I had no choice.
I became a conman.
Your check.
Yep. Insurance fraud credit card fraud, passport fraud.
I was selling bad tomatoes.
Anything to make a buck.
- And best of all. - There you go.
No one got hurt.
Thank you, Mr. Evans...
can I see some I.D., please?
Of course you can.
What do you think? Yes?
Well, Steven, it's beautiful.
- You don't like it. - No, I do.
Tell me what's wrong with it.
Is it the gold?
Well.
That's why I got it in stainless.
Gold one's for me, dipshit.
Why do you do that?
Parump-a-pump-pump.
- Merry Christmas. - Hey, Deb.
How's Jimmy?
He's good. Did you get my gifts?
I can't keep this.
Why not?
This is not what the Lord wants.
So you're saying you know what the Lord wants?
- No. - That's what it sounds like.
Well, I'm not saying that. Well, I'm not...
Mommy, look!
Steven! Cheese and crackers!
Bo-nos dias, Pilaf.
Oh, hi, Steven, you've got some visitors.
Okey-dokey.
We don't think so.
Oh, God.
Oh, great. Impale.
Where the fuck is the fucking stairs?
The thing of it is, I'd been a cop.
And I knew what jail was like.
Fuck me.
There was no way I was going there.
But I had a plan and everything was gonna be jim-dandy.
Oh, come on.
Hey. Hey.
I'm sorry.
Why didn't you tell me?
I can't go to prison, Jimmy.
I can't go to prison. I can't. I can't.
It's okay. Calm down.
It's okay.
I just wanna tell 'em you're awake.
We can take it from there, okay?
I don't think he knows himself, really.
I think that he's searchin' for somethin'.
Can you tell me exactly what he did?
He has several warrants in Texas.
I just wonder.
Is the gay thing and stealing something...
that goes hand in hand or-?
What the fuck are you talking about?
This stealing thing. Is, is you-.
Steven!
- Hey, where's my patient? - Steven!
- Steven, stop! - Steven! Steven, stop!
- Stop! - Steven, I'm serious.
You stop or you'll never see me again.
- I mean it. - Wait, stop.
- Steven! - No!
- Steven, no! - Steven, don't jump!
After several appeals and some painful personal losses...
I finally went to prison.
Hi. Welcome to prison.
I'm Steven. Oh, don't be scared.
I'm not gonna hurt ya.
First time? Yeah.
You just need to know some ins and outs and you'll be fine.
Hey, let me show you around.
Law library.
I pretty much live here.
Don't really have anybody on the outside except for my ex-wife, my kid...
so I hunker down here...
learn everything there is to know about the law. Ask me anything.
See him? Over there? Him?
Anything you want from the outside...
he's the guy.
Candy, cigarettes, drugs, whatever.
He's the guy. Just keep in mind...
it's gonna cost you a lot of money or...
you can suck his dick, your choice.
You'll catch a beatin' any day now.
That's just the way it is.
I lost 3 teeth. Cracked a vertebrae.
Anyway, all you gotta do is fight back.
Win or lose, just fight back.
Or you could suck the guy's dick.
Your choice.
Letters, magazines, shit like that...
it all goes through unmolested.
But if Grandma sends you cookies...
or porn or brownies or whatever,
you have to pay for it if you wanna get it.
Five bucks per item.
Or you can suck my dick.
Your choice.
Anyway, that's the whole shebang.
You'll do great. Don't worry.
And if you need anything at all you just ask me, all right?
So, do I need to suck your dick?
That'd be great.
Hey. This is Debbie and Stephie.
Sorry we missed you.
Leave a message after the beep and God bless you.
Hey, Debbie. Hi, sweetheart.
Sorry I missed you.
I thought 1:00 was our time but maybe not. Oh, I miss you guys.
Sometimes it's nice to know that somebody still cares about me.
You do still care, don't you, Deb?
Sorry. Sometimes I forget I'm talking to the machine.
Thank you.
Civil law? I'm an attorney.
Really?
Yeah. You suing somebody?
I don't know what I'm doing.
A guy I know is in the infirmary...
He's sick, real sick. He AIDS.
Well, I thought maybe I could find a way to get him some help...
some real help, not here, but-.
So I thought maybe if I could-.
I don't even really know what I'm looking for.
Tell him to get in touch with the Prisoner Rights Committee.
They deal with this all the time, pro bono.
I got the number.
Why, thank you.
My name is Steven Russell.
Nice to meet you, Steven Russell.
My name is Phillip Morris.
Phillip.
I haven't seen you around. Phillip.
I'm always in the yard.
Well, I, I, I don't go in that yard.
I mean, you know what happens to blonde haired,
blue-eyed queers in that yard.
It is kind of rough out there.
You don't look like you belong here. Phillip.
I rented a car. Kept it too long.
- Grand theft? - Theft of service.
Insurance fraud.
No. Just theft of service.
No, me. Insurance fraud.
Damn.
We're in a mess, aren't we?
It don't seem fair, does it?
No, it don't.
I made the mistake of writin' her and telling her I was lonely in here.
Next thing you know my ex-wife
catches her putting the neighbor's puppy in a box to mail to me.
She almost suffocated the poor thing.
She sounds so sweet.
Oh, she's an angel.
I think I'm gonna write her back tell her I'm not lonely anymore.
That I made a good friend.
What?
Why'd I have to meet you today?
Something wrong?
It's just, I'm being transferred...
to the Michael Unit today.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry.
It's just across the yard.
But I don't go out in the yard.
It might as well be Oklahoma.
Just figures with my luck.
I was born on Friday the 13th?
It's not gonna make a difference.
Friday the 13th is my lucky day.
Don't worry. It's right here.
This is destiny.
But we only just met.
Listen.
I loved a lot and I've been around.
So I recognize the feeling.
That feeling you and I are having right now.
the feeling you're trying to forget exists 'cause you're going away.
But there's about 6000 volts shooting across this table here.
And you know you can't deny it.
You're coming on a little strong.
I know you're trying to protect yourself.
Just give me a chance to prove you're wrong.
I'm sure I don't know quite what you're talking about.
Good.
Sorry.
- You Phillip? - Yes.
Hi, Phillip.
I hope your new place is nice, nice enough anyway.
I hope the chocolate made it to you okay.
Check the T.P.
I hope you try to make some new friends and not be too shy.
I guess I should tell you a little bit about myself.
Dear Steven.
I keep thinking about you saying I'm shy.
I guess you're right.
But I don't feel shy around you.
I, I think that means somethin'.
Anyway, thanks for the chocolate, but I, I should tell ya,
I, I'm diabetic.
So I... probably shouldn't. But I did anyway.
Debbie and Stephie mean the world to me.
I don't think I would have made it this far without them.
They're all that keeps me goin'. Well they were.
Steven, I wanna hear more about your time in Virginia Beach.
Have you been to the Smithsonian Museum?
- I love those old movies. - I hear they have Archie...
Bunker's chair there.
I bet if I try I can get them to show one here.
But there'd probably be a riot
if you showed something in black and white.
But it wouldn't be much fun without you anyway.
Do you like the top or the bottom?
I like both, I guess.
What bunk do you like?
Sometimes I feel I could fill an encyclopedia
with all the stuff I know.
It's been so long since anyone's shown me any kindness
and well, it, it means a lot.
And I just wish you were here.
Write me back soon. Love, Phillip.
Oh, come on, Cleavon!
I ain't no motherfuckin' DHL faggot.
Besides, I ain't got nothin' for you anyway.
But it's been three days.
You got a tracking number motherfucker, huh?
No.
Then shut your faggot ass.
Oh, my God.
How did you do this?
I know a guy. He took care of it.
I'm gonna take care of everything.
Enough romance. Let's fuck.
Oh. Shit, girl.
Don't bite, don't bite.
Phillip. What the fuck?
And then I was executive assistant...
- to a Broadway producer. - Really.
What would a Broadway producer be doing in Atlanta?
I didn't ask.
What were you doing for him?
I just road around town in his limo drinking and sucking him off.
Oh.
Yeah, but he was a nice guy.
I only dated him a little while anyway.
Then I dated this full-blooded Apache.
He used to make me dress up as a baseball player.
- What was his name? - Melvin.
Phillip. You amaze me.
What? He was a nice guy, too.
That's what I'm sayin'.
You always see the good.
What the hell is that?
That is the Screecher next door.
He does that all night.
I swear to God I don't get any sleep ever.
- Drives me fuckin' crazy. - Oh, man.
Shut the fuck up!
Shut up!
I thank you not to screech, bitch!
What does he care?
He isn't in our block.
Somebody probably paid him.
I said shut the hell up!
Knock it off!
Get up.
Did you pay to have the Screecher beat up?
- Me? - Don't bullshit me.
Did you pay to have him beat up?
You hate that guy.
Just answer the question.
Yeah. Yeah, I did.
Steven.
That is the most romantic thing that anyone ever did for me.
I love you so much.
I just want you to be happy, baby.
You are my true soul mate.
You're cutting of my air.
Cleavon. Put this in.
Not now, man. I'm fuckin' busy.
- It's important. - How important?
- Here. - Ten.
You gotta play the whole thing.
All right, all right, all right.
- Here. Promise. - Fuck you. Fuck you, man.
My word is my motherfuckin' bond.
Fuck you.
What is your problem?
I wanna dance with you.
I don't wanna dance, baby.
Come on, Steve. I wanna dance.
I'm kinda into this.
Steven, dance with me. Come on.
Okay. You're a pest, you know that?
You fucking bitch.
Oh, you.
Lights out.
Cleavon, lights out means no music.
Turn it off.
- I said turn it off. - Fuck you pig.
Turn it off or we're coming in.
Come on in.
I got a dick that needs suckin'.
I'll kick your fuckin' ass.
Fuck you, man. My fuckin' word...
is my motherfuckin' bond!
Goddamn it, come on!
My word's my bond, motherfucker.
Open it!
- Turn it off! - Fuck you!
- Turn it off. - Fuck you, you asshole, you bitch.
Turn it off or we're coming in.
- Fuck you! Fuck you, bitch! - Goddamn it.
- Get the fuck-. Shut up. - I'll drag your sorry ass-.
Your motherfuckin'- .
My word is my bond, bitch!
Russell. Get up. Let's go.
What? What's happening?
You're transferred.
Lonnie snitched you out about the Screech.
You're going to Grandview Two.
- What? I thought the-. No. - Come on, get up.
I said, come on, let's go. Get up.
Hey, wait a minute.
Sit down, bitch.
Hey, don't touch him like that!
- Steven! - Don't worry Phillip.
I'll take care of this.
You ain't gonna take care of shit.
Don't worry!
Steven!
I wanna go in the yard.
- You do? - I wanna go in the yard!
Hold on, I was just doggin'.
Steven!
What the hell are you doin'?
I love you!
I love you, too.
We'll be together soon!
I promise!
I love you, Phillip Morris! I love you!
Those were the longest three months of my life.
I wrote Phillip every day until I got released.
And once I did, I was determined to get us back together as soon as possible.
Hi, how are you?
Yeah, well. Where're you headin'? Greyhound?
The nearest thrift store, please.
Well, good. Do you mind if I tell you the word of our Lord Jesus Christ?
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life
and I shall dwell in the House of the Lord forever.
For the Kingdom is the Lord's. He's the governor.
I will declare thy name unto my brothers.
Keep my soul and deliver me.
Let me not be ashamed if I put my trust in Thee.
Wow. That was inspiring. Thanks.
You said you'd get here quick, but, Jesus.
I got a lot of work to do, honey. I'm getting you outta here early.
I got a hearing in the morning. I got motions to file.
The law don't sleep, baby.
I love you so much.
Phillip...
you are the sweetest, most gentle man I have ever known.
And I know people have taken advantage of that.
I wanna protect you.
I wanna make a life with you, Phillip.
Get me outta here.
The motion was filed.
I presented it to the D.A. and got a letter from the judge.
I do not understand what the holdup is.
Now, I am not some paralegal. I am Steven fucking Russo.
And I expect proper adjudication.
My boyfriend's getting out of prison next week.
That'll be two-ninety-nine.
I have an early release order for Phillip Morris.
Uh-huh. Morris.
We got him right here waiting. And you are?
I'm his lawyer.
Look at you!
Look at you.
You're incredible.
Yeah, I know.
Oh, thank you.
We're gonna need a bigger place.
Steve, I want you to meet my old neighbor, Eudora Mixon.
Eudora.
Pleasure, Steven.
Steve, Eudora owns a little building down in Montrose and...
she's having terrible trouble with her builder.
His plans were useless.
And now he's trying to sue me to pay him.
Phillip says maybe you can help.
Well, I could sure try.
Can you still practice law having been to prison?
Sure. Why not?
Oh. Well, I just-.
I'd just be glad to have someone I could trust. I'll pay your normal fee.
Well, it would be my pleasure. Litigation's my specialty.
I told you he'd help you.
Hi. Sorry I'm late.
Oh, yes.
Your Honor, Ms. Mixon engaged Mr. Yoakum's service in good faith
and was given an inferior product.
She is entitled to deem that work to be unacceptable
according to the contract Mr. Yoakum signed.
The terms of that contract were ambiguous at best.
Truth is, defendant engaged my client for three years without full payment.
Your Honor, I have in my briefcase fourteen other contracts,
all on public record,
in which Mr. Yoakum entered into litigation with past clients of his.
Oh, my goodness.
Yeah-heh-yeah.
Your Honor...
I don't have to tell you that none of this is admissible or even applicable...
and Mr. Russell's histrionics here hardly erase the fact
that his client is in breach of contract.
Yeah. You wish.
He's right, Mr. Russell.
What do you have to say?
I demand to be seen in chambers.
All right, gentlemen. Let's get this over with.
Two for one at the Crab Boil ends at five o'clock.
It seems pretty cut and dry to me, sir.
I don't even know why we're back here.
Mr. Russell's treating this like an episode on Matlock.
I will admit, Your Honor, I'm a plain-spoken man.
I didn't go to Princeton. I didn't go to Yale.
My education was modest.
I went to a small school.
Grew up on a small farm.
But I passed the same bar exam as my colleague here.
And I'm not gonna let him push around that humble woman.
Come on.
Point taken...
Mr. Russell.
But where are you going with this?
Well, I think it's pretty obvious where I'm going with this, sir.
Are you talking...
Marshall versus Chow?
Oh... shit.
Your Honor, that's exactly what I'm talking about.
Yes! I did great!
I mean, can you believe how great I did?
- Really great! - Yes.
I mean, seriously.
Now, let's go out. I'm payin'.
Oh.
Great!
Right this way. Do not open your eyes,
- little cheater. - All right. I won't.
- You cheater. - I, I did not.
- Don't open 'em. - Tell me when.
- Don't ruin the surprise. - Tell me when.
Okay. Here we go. Right now.
Oh, my God, this is amazing.
You like it? Oh, I'm so relieved.
Can we afford this?
You just let me worry about the money, honey.
Okay, well, I guess I better start packing boxes.
Not this week.
Why not?
Because I think we both deserve a vacation in Key West.
You are getting good at that.
Oh, you don't love me.
With Phillip I felt strong.
I felt invincible. I promised myself...
that he would never want for anything ever again.
That meant I needed a real job. Something dependable.
And no more scams.
We have ignition sequence start. There it goes. Five, four, three, two.
Steven, I'm sorry to keep you waiting.
Dan Lindholm.
Dan.
How are ya?
Good.
Are you a space man, Dan?
Uh... yeah. I mean, I never did get out there though.
And NASA's a real political place. I never could quite figure out
whose ass to kiss and get a mission.
Well, that's all in the past now.
Barely even think about it now. Come on inside.
Space man, huh? How do you crap up there?
Ass gasket. Have a seat.
All right. A little bit about you.
Steven Russell.
When I first read your resume, well, I didn't quite know what to think.
I mean, your level of experience
and your prior education, all gonna factor...
heavily into my decision and well-.
Frankly, you're head and shoulders above the rest.
I mean, I could hardly believe it.
When I called all your references,
well, they couldn't speak more highly of ya.
I cannot speak more highly about Steven Russell, Mr. Lindholm.
He's a real straight-shooter.
We were damn lucky to have him here at Prudential as long as we did.
Employee of the Year two years running.
Developing software for IBM.
You...
you're the kind of person we need here, Steven.
We want you.
We want you to be our Chief Financial Officer.
I pulled all the claims...
from the last two years along with the statements,
transfers and confirmations from the bank.
Most of it's routine
and I think you can get up to speed in a day or two.
Anything else I can do for you?
Uh, coffee?
I'll do that today. But I don't do that really.
Crossover from traditional markets shows declination
and inverse diffusion seems commensurate with that trade trending.
Uh, HMO penetrations still eats PPO, NMO and FMO as usual.
But attenuation is growing more prevalent in QFour as projected.
Now, as for Q-Three, well, Q- Three is what Q-Three always is.
It's Q-Two with training wheels.
Score. Whoo.
Okay, Steven. You're turn.
Now, I know you've only had the one quarter to play catch-up...
but I tell ya, we can't wait for some insight here.
Oh? Okay. You know, um, I did a lot of work on this.
And, uh, I think maybe-.
Why don't I just show it to you? Todd?
My new assistant Todd, everybody.
Now, if we take a look at Mark's projections again for Q-Three.
We'll see, well, we'll see they're just that. Projections.
Projections based on a model set by my predecessor.
I decided to reject that model.
Do things a little differently.
I wanna show you my results.
This is what we actually made in Q-Three.
Now I wanna tell you how I did it.
Todd, can you get me coffee?
Anybody else want coffee?
Steven?
We've got a problem.
What's that?
Real important question.
Do you play golf?
Yeah.
All right. I'll kick your ass next week.
All right.
Golf?
What?
You're a homosexual.
It's for work.
You know, you can tell them. They can't fire you for being gay.
I know that.
I'm trying to be understanding here, honey.
Wish me luck.
Good luck.
Oh! Fuck me with a flaming fist!
It's a hell of a hazard, hey, Steven? It's all right. That's four. Five.
Eat my asshole.
Take your time. Take a slow backswing.
Oh, fuck!
Six.
Shit.
I ain't making you nervous, am I?
God awful whore cocksucker!
You can quit after nine.
Take this, you little twat!
There you go.
Pardon my French.
My mother smoked during pregnancy.
The tux, what's the occasion?
Just some work thing. Were we supposed to-?
No, no, it's fine. Where're you goin'?
Just some gala ball thing.
A gala ball thing. Sounds boring.
Yeah. I'll be home early. Promise.
All right.
Hey, Belle, honey, ladies.
Hi. I want you to meet Steven Russell, our CFO.
Love your dress.
Well, I heard about you.
We're real proud of him. Real proud.
Are you married, Steven?
Uh, engaged.
Well... where is she, sweetheart?
She works.
Oh.
Well, let's grab a drink.
Okay.
So nice to meet you.
These are for Dan.
Thanks, Steven. You doing good?
Kinda. Just got back from a lawyer's office.
I asked him, what's your fee?
He says he charges fifty dollars for three questions.
So I asked him, don't you think that's a little expensive?
He says, yes it is. Now, what's your final question?
Oh, that's so true. Lawyers.
Can't trust 'em.
Unh-uh.
Oh, Annie. You've gotta hear this.
There's this lawyer with three questions.
And then, so the lawyer says, well, yes,
and now you've only one question left.
'Cause he already asked two.
Yeah.
So the Northrop guy says,
that question's gonna cost you fifty million dollars.
And the NASA guy says, fifty million?
Don't you think that's a lot of money?
And the Northrop guy says, yep, that's another fifty million.
You got anymore questions?
Ha.
So, this black fella says to the Jew lawyer, fifty bucks a question.
Man, ain't that expensive?
Yeah, it's expensive, he says. I'm a Jew, you nigga!
I'm up on the left.
Fucking moron.
Now, maybe it was just my nature, or maybe it was because of my past,
or maybe it was because they were
the most boring fuckin' people I'd ever met in my life.
But whatever the reason,
I had been robbing them blind for months.
USAMM is a medical management company.
It takes in all this HMO money and distributes it to doctors.
But in the time between receiving the money and paying it out,
it's just sitting there, not making interest or anything.
So, it occurred to me to set up an investment account
where the held money would earn interest for the short time we had it.
We're talking twenty-two million dollars at any given time.
So, even short-term, the interest adds up pretty quickly.
Oh, Annie, you've gotta hear this.
I've been making the company millions.
Virtually overnight.
And, of course, I would take a commission, say fifty percent.
Me and Phillip were finally able to start living the life we always wanted,
the life we deserved.
How big was this Christmas bonus?
Pretty big.
In July?
Yeah, I thought it was weird, too.
Oh, look.
- What are we gonna do with those? - Oh, Steven. They got our names on.
Larry!
Nice car.
Thank you, Larry.
Which one is that?
- It's, uh, the SL. Driving the C? - Yeah.
- Hmm. Good car. - Uh-huh.
Good value.
So the sheriff pulls over...
and he finds the missing car all wrecked
and rolled over and the girl inside and still alive.
No.
I swear to God.
That's in the Ricky Martin People in the bathroom.
Oh. Must be true.
Yeah. They can find out all sorts of stuff, those people.
Uh-huh.
They can find out anything about anyone.
Phillip. What is it?
It's just-.
Is something going on?
Something you're not telling me about?
No.
'Cause if there is, stop it now.
There isn't. There's nothing.
I don't care about the money.
All I want is you. I just want us to be together.
We're always gonna be together.
And there's nothing going on.
I promise.
I would never lie to you, baby.
Yeah, I've got some questions about these new accounts that we've opened.
Uh-huh. I'd like to compare some numbers if we could.
And, listen, I know you normally talk to our financial officer,
Steven Russell about this. But, uh-.
You've reached the automatic teller at Alamo Citizens Bank.
Please enter your personal account number.
Accessing account for Steven Russell.
Your account balance is eight hundred thirty-seven thousand five-.
Hello.
Hey, Debbie.
Hey, Steven. How are you?
Good. How's Stephie doing?
She's good, real good.
- Good. - She sure is her father's daughter.
Interested in boys already?
Ha-ha.
How's Phillip?
He says hello. Listen.
Um, I just wanted to let you know that I'm changing all my numbers.
I'll let you know when I get a new one.
You on the lam again?
Deb, you always knew me best.
You really should stop this.
I know.
You're such a good man.
You're right.
And Jesus has a plan for you.
Well, maybe this is his plan.
Maybe He was like a mean little boy with a magnifying glass
and I'm just the defenseless little ant.
Oh, that's Jesus on the other line. I gotta go.
- Stop it. - I love you both, call you soon.
Love you, too.
Hello?
Hey, Steven. Where are ya?
Gulf Freeway. Where are you?
I'm at the office.
Hey, uh, uh, you, you coming back anytime soon?
No, I don't think I'm coming back in.
I think we both know why.
Bye-bye, Dan.
People keep calling. What's going on?
Nothin. ' Thought we'd take a little vacation.
Key West. Let's pack. Quick.
Okay, I'll pack for you.
I fuckin' knew it.
You did somethin'. You lied to me.
You looked me right in the eye and you lied.
Don't get mad. It'll be fine, I swear.
You're going back to prison, Steven?
You promised me we'd always be together.
And I'm keeping that promise. We'll never be apart. Never.
Why do I never learn?
And why did I listen to you? You son of a bitch!
We'll get a house. Do some fishing.
I can work on my key lime pie recipe.
Hey, maybe I'll go a beard.
Enter the Papa Hemingway contest.
Honey?
Phillip? Honey? It's gonna be easy. You'll see.
Phillip! Phillip, come back here!
Phillip.
You have got to trust me.
Don't move!
No. Get away from me. Get away from me!
No.
No!
There I was again, keeping secrets, living a lie.
Calm down.
Fuck you!
Calm down!
Calm you fuckin' down.
Stop it, calm down.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude. Like I said, I tend to do that.
No, I didn't blame Phillip for running out on me.
But I had to get him back.
You see, there's something I didn't tell you.
It's about my old boyfriend, Jimmy.
A long time ago, when I was waiting to go to prison...
I made him a promise.
Come on. You gotta drink something.
I want you to have this.
'Cause I'm gonna be leaving soon.
You can't leave.
I need you around here.
You're the love of my life.
You're sweet.
But, no, I'm not.
Sh.
I'm not.
Oh, come on.
I've seen him.
Oh, yeah.
You haven't met him yet.
But you will. And you're gonna be so happy.
And I know you don't think so, but you deserve to be happy.
You're not thinking clearly, baby.
Yes, I am. You have to promise me you're gonna treat him right, okay?
Okay, okay. Now, drink some water.
Treat him right.
Is this what you wanted?
Yeah. Thank you.
Diabetic, huh?
Uh-huh.
Smell something?
Fuck, wha-?
Fuck!
Shit.
He's up.
Sit.
What'd they get you for?
Grand theft.
How about y-?
This slippery son of a bitch is going straight to lock-up.
Oh, come on, pick up.
Set bail at nine hundred thousand dollars.
Your Honor, we'd like to set a reduction hearing.
That's your right but I strongly advise that you don't.
Well, I appreciate the gra-.
Ma'am? You dropped somethin'.
Hi. I have Judge Charles Hearn for the Clerk's Office.
All right, baby.
This is Charles Hearn.
I got a bail adjustment coming through...
and I need that processed yesterday,
so could you slingshot that shit around the sun?
You got it, Judge.
Good. Oh...
darlin'. You wanna save me a dime and connect me to a good bail bondsman?
Fuck you.
Fuck you! My shoe, my shoe, my shoe. My shoe. I'm losing this fucking shoe.
Come on, Phillip, pick up, it's me!
I'm sorry. Come on! Damn it!
How long you in for?
Not long.
Can you hit me in the face with this?
Hold...
still. That's a pretty big gash.
Nice green uniform.
Sir, I wonder if you could just get my shoes?
Could I just have my shoes, please?
Come on, man. Seriously. Come on.
You're here to protect and serve, man.
Can't you just hustle your sweet little ass
in there and get my fuckin' shoes?
Come on, Phillip. I know you're there.
We've got turkey.
Here's your lunch, darlin'.
Oh. Turkey again?
Get it?
Yeah.
What the hell is this?
That's all I could get.
Fucking vice, man.
But anyway-.
Go away, Steven.
You think I didn't know you were coming?
Phillip?
Get the hell outta here. I'm done with you.
Honey, I know you're upset. But we love each other.
You opened a bank account with Dr. Phillip Morris.
Now they think I'm in on everything.
I'm facing real time.
You know, it was for your own good,
so we could be together.
Fuck off.
I'm in enough trouble.
Come on, Phillip. Trust me?
Fuck you, you fuckin' liar.
Do you realize how bad you fucked me over?
You made me a fuckin' accomplice, you liar. Fuckin' liar.
I never wanna see you again.
Go away. I never wanna see you again.
- Phillip, stop it. - Go away. Go away.
- Phillip, stop it! - I don't wanna see you again.
Well what am I supposed to do?
I got a, a fuckin' limo.
Well... you're the lawyer. You figure it out.
Oh, my God.
You're not even a lawyer, are you?
You're not even a fuckin' lawyer, are you? Fuckin' liar!
Phillip, open the door.
- No. - Open it.
- No. - Just open it.
No.
Open the door, please?
I just wanna say one thing, please? Just one thing. That's all.
Please?
Get down on the ground, faggot!
Come on, do it! Now!
Get on the ground now!
- Phillip. - Don't.
I love you.
From the moment we met, you've done nothing but lie.
Our whole relationship, just lies. I'm such an asshole.
You took advantage of me just like all the others.
You were supposed to protect me.
But you just did nothing but just make a fool out of me.
And you expect me to love you? How can I? How can I love you?
I don't even know who you are.
And you know what's sad?
I don't even think you know who you are.
So how am I supposed to love somethin'
that don't even exist, you tell me.
I will never forgive you, Steven. Never.
And that was the last time I ever saw him.
But I knew he was right.
Phillip, Jimmy, Debbie, they've all been right.
My whole life was nothing but a bunch of lies.
Lies to make people give me their money.
Lies to make people love me.
And lies to keep them from leaving me.
And in the process, I lost track of who I was.
Maybe Barbara Bascombe had me pegged right
from the beginning and that's why she gave me up.
Whatever the case,
how does a person who doesn't exist go on existing?
The answer is, he doesn't.
I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Steven.
Your T-cell count indicates that, well, um, you have AIDS.
So here we are. Where you first met me.
I've been in this bed for months now waiting to die.
The only thing that keeps me going is the thought
that I might get a chance to see Phillip one more time.
But I don't know how much longer I can do this.
You got a minute?
Hey, Sammy. Do you want a cracker?
No. Thanks.
Look, um, I just talked to my friend. He's a, um... nurse in the infirmary.
And, um, well, I don't know if you know this or not. But...
um-.
Let me in.
Just let me in!
He's not here.
I need to see him.
I told you...
he's not here. Now, you need to calm down.
Just tell, tell me where he is. Or what happened.
He slipped into a coma for a few days.
He's conscious now. But he's very sick.
We had him transferred to a private care facility.
There was nothing we could do for him here.
It's just a matter of time.
I'm sorry.
Steven.
Somebody wants to speak to you.
He keeps calling. He's driving us crazy.
Okay, you can put him through.
Steve, honey, it's me.
I didn't want you to find out.
Why didn't you write me?
I don't know how this happened. They say I'm fine. Uh, anyway, it...
it doesn't matter. I had to speak to you.
I'm still angry with you.
But there's something that I, I want you to know.
Even if sometimes I don't know who you are, I love you.
I never stopped loving you.
I guess you and me are just fools for love or something,
written in the stars or some crap like that.
But it was never better than with you, Steve, never more real.
And I realize all that crazy shit you did...
in your own fucked up way, was always for me, always for us.
You're the most amazing man.
You take my breath away.
And even though I can't be with you right now,
I'll always be yours.
Forever.
Now, if you have to go, go.
It's okay. I'm right there. Okay?
Steve?
Steve? Steve?
Steven!
Come on, honey.
Morris. Come with me.
Your lawyer's here.
You fucker!
Faking your death from AIDS is no easy task...
believe me.
But after watching Jimmy die, I thought I could make it convincing.
First, you have to starve yourself.
I ate half as much every day for ten months.
After that, you have to fake all sorts of symptoms.
Woof.
You gotta really stick with it until you lose a ton of weight.
The hardest part is falsifying your records.
But in prison for the right amount of swag,
you can get just about anything amended.
After that, bureaucracy takes over for you.
How long do I have?
There's no way to tell.
Yes!
A bureaucracy can only do so much because the hardest part, by far,
is getting transferred to a private care facility.
Thank you.
It's standard procedure for late stage AIDS patients.
But in order to do that,
I'd have to convince them that I was about to die.
And that would involve taking some risks.
After a four-day coma they were convinced.
And once I got settled in...
I just called the Department of Corrections
and convinced them that I was a state-sponsored doctor looking for
late stage AIDS patients for an experimental treatment.
It's for a study we're doing.
And I was wondering if you had anybody
that would be eligible, uh, for a transfer into the program?
Mr. Russell? Your taxi's here.
As luck would have it, they had one patient eligible.
And for all that time, all those doctors, all those nurses,
all those facilities, not one of them ever thought to give me an AIDS test.
Fucking Texas.
And after all that hard work dying, where's the first place I go?
You fucker.
I know. I'm sorry. You weren't supposed to find out.
Well, I did.
I couldn't take a chance telling ya.
You know that I couldn't.
But Phillip, I only did it so I could get here to you.
But just so I can talk again.
And here I am.
I'm fine. Just hungry.
Steven, I don't, we-.
Listen. I just came here to tell you one thing and that's it.
You don't have to take me back.
I just wanna say one thing.
I know you think that we are nothing but a lie.
But underneath all those lies,
there was always something that was real.
I thought about what you said to me.
You said you don't know who I am.
But I know now.
I know who I am. I'm not a lawyer.
I'm not a CFO. I'm not a cop.
I'm not some kind of escape artist.
Those Steven Russells are dead.
And now all that's left is the man that loves you.
And if you can see that...
and believe it, I promise I'll never be anything else ever again.
How do I know you're not bullshitting me again?
You don't.