[MUSIC PLAYING]
[LAUGHING]
-You guys, it's not funny.
-No, it's pretty funny.
-How could your mum lose 20,000 bucks on a bunch of chickens?
-It was one chicken and one rooster.
-And they cost 10,000 each?
-They're Tahitian Red-Beaks!
The rarest chickens in the world.
When their eggs hatch, people buy
the baby chicks for 1,000 each.
-So your mum will make her money back.
-No!
She can't get them to-- make babies.
-Well, I'm sorry your mum lost 20,000-- ba-doing!
-What?
But what?
Hot guy? Hot guy?
Where is he?
Who? -Red shirt!
Red shirt!
Brown hair, red shirt.
Look at that boy!
Look at him.
I want for Christmas!
-Why don't you go get him now?
-Should I?
-You're not getting any younger.
-OK.
I'm going in.
[LAUGHING]
Oh that's a funny text.
-Your phone's off.
-I know, right?
I'm Carly.
-Ah, Carly.
The name of the comely vixen who assuages King [INAUDIBLE]
cohort, after the demise of his corpulent mother.
-I do a web show.
-Do you?
-Uh, huh.
It's called iCarly.
-Oh, I think I've heard of that.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
Um, you do teenage satire with a peak and twit.
-Well, I don't know about that, but last week
Sam drew a face on Gibby's butt.
-You know, you're quite charming.
-Well, you have nice eyes.
-They say the eyes are the windows to the soul.
-Well, I don't have a boyfriend, so
why don't you open up a window?
-Ha!
T-BO: What?
No!
No, no, no, no, no, no!
-I'm sorry, Mr. Bo.
I'm just doing my job.
-Yo, your job is being a jerk!
Look, everybody.
We got a professional jerk, right here.
-I am not a jerk.
I am a city health inspector.
-What's the problem?
-Him.
This man says I can't sleep upstairs in my bedroom anymore.
-Yes, because the second floor is zoned for office use only.
-I'll zone you!
Where am I supposed to live?
-I don't care where you live, as long as it is not here.
You've been notified.
-Somebody should notify your wife
that she's married to a jerk.
-I'm divorced.
-Lucky her.
-Kyle, these are my friends, Sam and Freddie,
who I do iCarly with.
-Hey.
-Nice teeth.
-Thank you.
Uh, you know, I haven't seen iCarly yet.
But when I get home tonight, I plan
to ingurgitate your website voraciously.
-Thanks, man.
-OK.
-Well, I'm off.
-Bye. SAM: See you.
-Later.
-What did he say?
-No, idea.
-Shut up, he's pretty.
FREDDIE: In five, four, three, two--
THEME SONG: I know, you see somehow the world will
change for me and be so wonderful.
Live life, breathe air, I know somehow we're
gonna get there and feel so wonderful.
It's all for real, I'm telling you just how I feel.
So wake up the members of my nation.
It's your time to be, there's no chance unless you take one.
And it's time to see the brighter
side of every situation.
Somethings are meant to be, so give your best
and leave the rest to me.
Leave it all to me.
Just leave it all to me.
[DOOR OPENS]
[CHATTING]
-Hey!
No talking for a sec!
Gees!
[DOOR CLOSING]
Ah, it clicked!
That's two clicks.
Two more tumblers, and I'll enter that safe!
-Hey, could you show me something
in an after school ham?
-Fridge.
-On it.
[KEYS JANGLING]
-You want to tell us about your safe, don't you?
-Yes!
So I'm at the junkyard, bright and early this morning.
-You sure you didn't wake up at noon?
-So I'm at the junkyard about 2:30,
and I see this safe, right?
So I bought it!
-Why?
-'Cause, dip tuck.
If I can get it open, whatever's inside is all mine.
-Do you know where T-Bo slept last night?
-Upstairs at the Groovy Smoothie?
-No.
-He got kicked out of there by a health inspector.
-He slept on a raft.
In a pond.
-That's awful.
Someone should to do something about that,
while I open my safe.
-Hey, where did you guys get this big fork?
-Some website.
-epicforks.com?
-That's the one.
-You and I are going to be getting
to know each other a lot better.
-OK, everybody.
Be quiet.
I think it's about to click.
-Hey, if You find 20,000 bucks in there,
will you give it to my mum so she'll stop crying?
-No.
-We like it when your mum cries.
-What are we gonna do about T-Bo?
-Oh, right!
Listen, the Bensons have a guest room, right?
-Yeah.
By my room.
Why?
-All right, so if your mum rents T-Bo a room,
then T-Bo has got a place to stay,
your mum's got some extra coming in, and everybody's happy.
-That's actually pretty smart.
-Yeah.
I'm not all about goofy antics and spontaneous fires.
-But mostly you are?
-Well, yeah.
-You think your mum would rent T-Bo a room?
-Well, she needs the money.
I don't know.
She might think T-Bo is too wild and crazy.
-Your mum thinks oatmeal is too wild and crazy.
-What if we, like, cleaned T-Bo up?
-Maybe.
-I don't think I can ever go back to normal forks.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
-[GASP]
-What?
-I have a date with Kyle tonight.
-The smart dude from the Smoothie?
-Yeah.
He wants to take me to some movie I've never heard of.
And I only have four hours to get ready.
Bye!
[GRUNTING AND MOANING]
-Dang!
It won't open.
-So now what?
-Plan B. Ya vol!
Yeah!
[INAUDIBLE] saw!
Woo!
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Yeah!
[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]
-Wonderful!
Great film.
-You enjoyed the first half?
-The first half?
-Yeah, this is an intermission.
There's two more hours to go.
-Oh.
Awesome.
I didn't know movies had intermissions.
-Oh, yeah.
Well foreign films often do.
-Right.
Yay, foreigners.
-Oh, Carly, you do have a certain je ne sais quoi.
-Yeah.
I got a lot of that.
-I like you.
-You do?
-Categorically.
My last girlfriend, she was a bit obtuse.
-Did she consider that lap band surgery?
[LAUGHING]
-Oh, ho.
Oh, you are jocular.
-No.
I'm not that good at sports.
So your ex-girlfriend--
-Yeah.
I don't mean to sound snobbish, but you know,
if a girl is not intelligent, then what's the point?
-She wasn't smart?
-Well, let's just say that she didn't
have the mental abilities to appreciate a film like this.
-That poor thing.
-I'll fetch us a beverage from the concessionary.
-What?
Oh.
-Stay delightful.
-Awe!
Two more hours?
-A guest room, for me?
With its own bed and a window?
[GRUNTING]
-Maybe.
My mum needs money.
-She made a bad chicken investment.
-Right.
I heard her chickens wouldn't--
-Yeah, we know.
-Yeah, right, right.
-I got your bike down.
-Good.
-Gibby's helping me move some of my stuff into storage.
-Now what?
-Scale up those downstairs and get the rest of my junk!
So let's go talk to your mom about my roots.
-Uh, yeah, not so fast.
-Before you meet my mum, we should probably make a few--
-Changes with you.
-Change what about me?
-Oh, you know--
-Everything.
-Yeah, pretty much everything.
[SCREAMING]
-Spencer!
[SCREAMING]
-Spencer!
-Oh, hey.
-You've been trying to open your safe
with that chainsaw for eight hours?
-Yeah.
I think the safe won this battle.
Who is the stud in the blazer?
-Oh, Kyle, that's my brother Spencer.
Spencer, this is Kyle.
-Yeah, good hair.
-Thanks.
You know, that safe is probably made of carbonised iron.
And most chainsaw teeth are made of a tempered steel alloy.
-And?
-Well, the safe has a far denser molecular structure.
That chainsaw could never cut through it.
-Yeah, that's-- that's what I was thinking.
-Maybe you should think about it in your room.
-Fine, I can take a hint, and this banana.
Whoo-oo-oo.
[DOOR CLOSING]
-Well, I don't wish to overstay my welcome.
Goodnight.
-No, why don't you hang out for a while?
You know, so we can hang out.
-Well, uh, I would love to discuss
the sociopolitical implications of the film we just saw.
-Yeah, Spencer?
What you need?
-I didn't hear anything.
-I'd better go see what he wants.
Coming, Spencer!
-What?
I took the hint!
-I know, but now I need Kyle to leave.
-What did he do?
-Nothing, it's just, I really like him.
And if he finds out I'm not as smart as he thinks I am,
then he's not going to want to go out with me.
And I need a pretty boyfriend.
-So you want me to just like throw him out?
CARLY: No!
Uh, give yourself a bloody nose.
-You want me to whack myself in the nose.
-Please help me.
Just help me.
I'm back.
I'm ready to talk about the film.
-Excellent.
Now, did you feel that when--
[WHACK]
[SCREAMING]
SPENCER: Monkey!
Oh, my nose is bleeding!
Weird, huh?
-[GASP] Oh, my god.
I should help him. Sorry, Kyle.
You should go.
-Oh, all right.
Uh, just m-make sure to tilt his head 15 degrees,
and maintain pressure on his septum so the blood coagulates.
-Yeah, yeah.
Pressure on the septum.
Call me.
-Where are you going?
-Upstairs to study.
-Study for what?
-For my next date with Kyle.
-OK.
I'll just bleed.
Ah!
-Hey, Sam, will you help me do a camera check?
-I'm busy with my big fork.
-Carly, will ya help me do a cam--
-I'm studying for a date!
-A date with who?
-Kyle, pretty Kyle.
-The brainy hot guy she's been mucking around with.
-So I have to learn about boring Russian films,
and how to speak Mandarin Chinese.
-He speaks Chinese?
-Fluently.
And all I've learned how to say so far is, wo bu zhidao.
-What's that mean?
-I don't know.
-How can you not know what it means?
-I do know.
It means, I don't know.
-All right!
Let's do this!
-Gibby!
-Yes?
-You're not doing a snowman bit on iCarly tonight.
-Yes, I am.
I asked Sam if I could wear a costume on the show tonight,
and she said, snowman.
-I said, no, man.
-[SIGH] 30 seconds!
Better put that stuff away.
-Fine.
I'll just stay up all night studying for my date tomorrow.
-OK, where is this date happening?
-We're having dinner here.
-Psh!
Easy!
All you gotta do is make a few cheat sheets.
-He knows everything.
I can't make cheat sheets for everything.
-So hide a PearPad, have your phone in your pocket.
He says something you don't know about,
you sneak a look at the web.
(ELEGANTLY) You'll be as smart as the internet.
-The internet is really smart.
FREDDIE: And speaking of the internet, in five,
four, three, two--
-I'm Carly.
-I have a big fork!
-And this is iCarly.
-With a big fork.
-I'm a snowman.
-Hey, girls, why is Gibby a snowman?
-Wo bu zhidao!
Hey, you gotta be out of this room by the time
Kyle gets here.
-Yeah, blah, blah, blah!
-Look, I'm taping these notes about foreign languages
to the bottom of my plate.
-I love tape.
-He's gonna be here any minute!
You know, you could help me.
-I gotta keep my fork shiny and lubed,
in case a meal breaks out.
[KNOCKING]
-Get the door.
-Come in!
[DOOR OPENING]
-All right, I'm ready to be made over.
And I brought some baked artichokes-- on a stick.
-Thanks, T-Bo.
[DOOR CLOSING]
Just lay 'em on the table, right there.
-Cool, cool.
-Come on, Tebes, Freddie and Gibby are upstairs.
We got to get you looking purty for Mrs. Benson.
-I'm already wearing my fancy underpants.
-Don't make me sick.
Upstairs.
-Hey!
Hey!
Keep your giant fork out of my date bread.
-(SOUTHERN DRAWL) The big fork wants what the big fork wants.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
-Yeah!
That's got to by Kyle.
Go to your room.
-The safe's not open yet.
-Get out Get out! -I want to get my treasure!
-Get out, Get out. -Oh!
-Get out, get out, get out, get out!
Good evening, Kyle.
-And to you.
-Come on in.
-Thank you.
Mm!
Do I detect the aroma of a melange of Epicurean delights?
-I made pork chops.
-Excellent.
Um, do you have a restroom where I can ablute before dinner?
-Uh, sure.
You can ablute in that bathroom right down the hallway, there.
-Back in a kish.
-What the heck does ablute mean?
-Hey, you're supposed to have T-Bo
at your mum's in five minutes.
FREDDIE: OK, here comes the new T-Bo.
-Wow!
Looking good, T-Bo.
-Please, call me Terrance.
-Yeah, use that voice in the interview.
My mum will love that.
-Of course, Fredward.
I'd be delighted to speak in this voice
during the interview.
-Nice job on the suit, Gibs.
-Aw, thanks.
But I'd still like to lengthen those sleeves a little,
and, uh, give him more room in the rump.
-My rump as more than enough room, thank you.
-All right, let's go.
And please, don't talk about your rump
in front of my mother.
-What?
She don't like rumps?
-Stop saying it!
-This pork chop is absolutely ambrosial.
-Yeah, well, what's the point of making
a pork chop it's not ambrosial?
Uh, you know the Russian film we went to see the other night?
-Mm, hm.
-The guy who directed it was from the town of Krasnogorsk.
-This is true.
And when I was 10, my parents took me
to Krasnogorsk's Optikov Square, where I saw the famous statue.
-Right.
The statute of-- the statue of-- you need more ice.
-Oh, uh, I have plenty of ice.
-You need some more.
-Could I please have another pork chop?
-Just a sec!
-OK, take your shoes off.
-Why?
-If you want the room, then trust me, just take them off.
-Better.
-Mum, we're here.
-We certainly are.
-Hey, mum.
-Shoes off, both of you.
-Sorry.
-I've already removed my shoes, Mrs. Benson.
-Why, yes, you have.
-Mum, this is Terrance Bo.
-Terrance, this is my mother.
-Hello.
-It's a pleasure to know you.
I was sorry to hear that your chickens
wouldn't do the dilly-do.
-Well, thank you.
But I warn you, I will not let just
anyone rent a room in this house.
-Please, ask me as many questions as you'd like.
-It might take a while.
-That's all right, Terrence has plenty of time.
As long as he makes it to church by 9:30.
-Church on Saturday night?
-It's not just for Sundays anymore.
[LAUGHTER]
-[SIGHS]
-And did you know that Mandarin Chinese is one of the six
official languages of the United Nations?
-I did not.
-Well, it is.
The other five are English, French, Russian, Spanish,
and, uh, uh-- look at our door!
Arabic.
-Excuse me?
-That's the sixth language, Arabic.
-Well, your pork chop's on the table.
-Weird!
Hey!
Quit trying to escape!
-[GASPS]
-You've taped cheat notes to the bottom of your plate!
-Oh, well, I just needed to rem--
-Oh!
More cheat notes!
And you misspelled Russia.
-Well, my arm doesn't have Spell Check.
Look, I'm-- I'm not as smart as you thought it was.
I mean, I'm not like you.
I suppose you're going to leave now
because you think I'm all dumb.
-No.
-No?
-I'm going to leave, because you were dishonest with me.
That's worse than being dumb.
Duh!
-Oh, come on, Kyle.
Uh, I don't lie while I'm kissing, huh? [CLICKS TONGUE]
Huh?
-This is our valediction.
CARLY: But-- ha-- vale-- what does that mean?
-You got busted?
-And I think he dumped me.
-You think?
Why, what did he day?
-Wo bu zhidao!
-Come on, kid.
Don't feel all bad.
-I do feel all bad.
-Here, you can have your big fork back.
-Thanks.
I thought you loved this big fork.
-I did.
Until I found this one.
-That's comedically big.
-Yep!
-Hi.
Can I borrow a cup of sugar, neighbour?
-Your mum rented him the room?
-For a whole year.
We signed a lease!
Ow!
Bow wow, bow wow!
Oh!
[NONSENSICAL SINGING]
-Hey!
I say, hey!
Who is ready to see the treasures that
await me inside my super cool safe?
-Dude, you're never getting that thing open.
-Am to.
Socko got me a special C-4 explosive charge
from his cousin Boomer!
Fire in the hole!
-Here we go.
-OK, boy! Easy!
-A C-4?
[HIGH-PITCHED TONE]
[EXPLOSION]
[SCREAMING]
-Aha!
It opened!
-What's in it?
-(MANIACALLY) Yeah!
No!
[SINGING JIBBERISH]
-Oh, where are you going to go?
-[JIBBERISH] Where do you think?
-I am going to take a car to where?
-iCarly.com.