-Hey.
What's up?
-Hey, hey.
-Is Sam here yet?
-Nope.
-Ugh.
Are those new pants?
-Yes, they are.
-From tweenpants.com?
-They sell pants for men now.
-Then you should have bought some.
-Yo, Carly.
-Oh, hey Gibby.
Could you help?
Gibby, I told you we can't do your Dr. Lobster bit tonight.
-I thought you were kidding.
Well, no.
The show's too long.
I had to cut some stuff.
-Wow.
I'm really mad right now.
-Would you say you're steamed?
-Look, we can still do it next week,
or maybe the week after that.
-Hey, do you got any anti-itch cream?
-And look who's late again.
-Don't start with me.
Oh, someone's extra feisty today.
-My mum's been chewing on my nerves.
-What did you fight about this time?
-Here we go, guys.
-I sent her out for a bucket of chicken and then I wait,
and I wait, and I wait--
-In five, four three--
-So, I'm waiting--
FREDDIE: Two--
-For my chicken and then like an hour and a half later
my mum comes back with a bucket of cold chicken an
a new tattoo.
-Why didn't she get the tattoo and then get the chicken?
-She got the tattoo from a guy in the chicken line.
-Ew.
-Right?
-Let's talk about this later.
-Yeah, we better start the show.
-The show started 15 seconds ago.
-And this is iCarly.
FREDDIE: In five, four, three, two.
THEME SONG: I know you see somehow the world will
change for me and be so wonderful.
Live life, breathe air, I know somehow we're
going to get there and feel so wonderful.
It's all for real.
I'm telling you just how I feel, so wake up
the members of my nation, it's your time to be.
There's no chance unless you take one and the time
to see the brighter side of every situation.
Somethings are meant to be, so give me your best
and leave the rest to me.
Leave it all to me.
Just leave it all to me.
-[GRUMBLING]
-Sam?
-What?
-It's almost 4 o'clock in the morning.
What are you doing here?
-I'm upset with my mum.
We got in another fight, so I packed my bag and came here.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait.
You're moving in here?
-Well, where else am I going to move to?
-Is everything all right?
I heard noises and the chain lock on the front door's
broken.
What's Sam doing here?
-Just make me some eggs, will ya?
I haven't eaten since 2:00am.
-OK.
-Wait.
Wait.
You thought a criminal broke in our house and was in my room--
-Mhmm.
-So as a weapon you brought a suck duster?
-Sure did.
-You're insane.
-Am I?
-Yeah, you are.
There's something wrong with you.
-Try and fight me off.
Oh!
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
-Fine.
I'll make my own eggs.
-Stop it!
Stop it!
No, no!
-Hey!
So I'm really being recorded right now?
-Yeah.
They're spy glasses.
There's a tiny video camera right here,
and then on this part there's a flash chip
that holds up to six hours of video.
-Do I look good?
-You look great.
-Gibby.
-Hey, hey.
A couple of smokin' salmon just swam by.
-What do you say we uh-- capture this moment on video?
-I say, "action."
-Hey, what can I get you little ladies today?
-Do you sell smoothies?
-Do-- what?
-Move.
Move.
[SCREAMING]
-Out of my way.
[SCREAMING]
-He's getting away!
-No, he's not!
-Go get him, Gibbs!
-(CRYING) Call my mum!
-Oh man, that dude took over 300 bucks.
Jerk.
Call the cops.
You check the video, see if got a good shot of his face.
-On it.
-Hey, Gibby.
He's gone, you can come out.
-That guy runs fast.
-Everybody aight?
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
-Hey, T-bow.
-What's up?
-The cables to our cameras are cut.
-Oh man, we didn't even get the thief on video?
And now I gotta buy new cables too?
-Hey.
You do have him on video.
-How?
-These sunglasses have a teeny video camera right here
and I was recording the whole time.
-Shut up.
-True chiz.
-Yeah, that's my boy.
You know what?
You take this coupon.
-Buy a dozen smoothies and get your thirteenth smoothie
at 10% off.
-Yes.
Yeah.
-(ANGRILY) Hey, Sam.
Sam.
-Hey, Carls.
-(ANGRILY) Can you tell me why I found
this half eaten tamale in my bed?
-Because I left it there.
Give me it.
-(ANGRILY) My bed is a place for me to sleep,
not a place for your Mexican fiesta platters!
-Look.
I hear your frustration.
-(ANGRILY) And look what I found on the stairs
and not in the hamper?
Someones little "I heart Vegas" panties!
-You know I hate that word.
-Panties!
-Ah!
-Yo.
Can you guys take the girl fight upstairs?
I want to watch Celebrities Underwater.
-No.
I don't like that show.
-Why?
-It's not fun to watch d-list actors almost drown.
-No, no, no.
Why isn't Celebrities Underwater on my DVR?
-I deleted it.
-Wh- why would you do that?
-I don't like the playlist menu cluttered up
with a bunch of shows I'm not in to.
-(STAMMERING)
-Look.
If you want to keep staying here then
no more eating ethnic food in my bed.
-Yeah, and no deleting my wet celebrities.
-And no more panties on the stairs.
-Hey!
I don't like that word!
-Well, too bad!
Stairs, stairs, stairs!
-She meant "panties."
Now I'm embarrassed.
-How can you not accept my coupon?
-See the date, expired.
-But you gave it to me yesterday!
-Then you should have used it yesterday.
-Ugh.
-Hey, hey!
Dave Mercer.
I watch you on the news maybe two, three times a year.
-Thank you.
-Hey, what's up with this?
-Channel 8 news is doing a story about me.
-Actually, we're doing a piece on the Shadow Hammer,
the man who robbed this place.
-I'm the victim.
-Right.
-So, uh-- why do they call him the Shadow Hammer?
-Because he's never been caught on video.
Before he robs a place he sneaks in
and disables the security cameras.
-I had to buy all new cables.
-We're live.
-So now that you're the first person to have gotten video
on the Shadow Hammer, are you worried that he might come
after you for revenge given his violent nature?
-Oh.
I'm not the one that got him on video.
-Then who did?
-Him.
That boy.
Freddie Benson.
DAVE MERCER: Freddie Benson.
-No, no, no.
I had nothing to do with this.
-Sure you did.
Freddie Benson's got these special nerds
shades that record video.
That's how he--
-(WHISPERING) Would you quit saying my name?
I don't want that hammer dude coming after me.
I had nothing to do with this.
I'm not even Freddie Benson.
-Yeah, you are.
Freddie and his mum live in the same building as me.
-No, no.
-Bushwall Plaza.
-Shh!
-Aren't you guys in apartment 8-D?
-I'm dead!
-Freddie Benson.
-Welcome home.
I made you a sandwich.
-Listen.
I really think that you should move back in with--
-Never.
-She's your mother!
-Look, if you don't want me to stay here anymore that's fine,
but I'm not going to go back--
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
Come in!
-Mum?
-I know who I am.
-Carly, you got my mother--
-You guys have to make up.
-I don't want any part of her.
-You don't deserve my parts.
-Why would I want worn out parts?
-Cute.
Just take a good look at your future, baby,
because this is where you're headed.
-My future's going to be just going to be just fine.
-Who told you that?
Your parole officer?
-At least I call my parole officer.
-Why don't you take a bath?
-Because you didn't pay the water bill.
-See.
Now you're communicating.
-Hey, hey.
-Hi.
-What happened here?
-Sam and her mum.
-Did they talk things out?
-They started off talking, and then there was yelling,
and then our couch was in the kitchen.
-Dude, you gotta figure out a way--
-I already set up an appointment with a family therapist,
so if I can just get them to go there then--
-Uh, can I help you?
-Hush!
-What's going on?
-Did you see the news today?
-Who watches the news?
-The Shadow Hammer piece was on.
-There's a dangerous criminal out there
who probably wants to hurt my Freddie with this hammer.
-Oh, cause you got him on video?
-Yeah, and now he knows my name and my address.
-Why does your chest look all thick?
-Uh-- I've been working out.
You know, push ups and milk.
-That's quite a sports bra.
-It's Kevlar, dumbo.
-You're wearing a bulletproof vest?
-I'm in danger.
-Which is why we have to stay here for a while.
-(PANICKING) Here?
-I really don't think that's a good idea.
-It's a bad one.
-We already have Sam here.
-Please don't stay in our home.
-I have to protect Freddie.
-But this just isn't a good time--
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
-Freddie, unpack the suitcases, I'll
start boiling the silverware.
-And I've already made sure that neither of them
has anything sharp in their pockets,
so now I'm just really hoping you can help them find a way
to stop arguing and get along better.
-You two are very lucky to have a friend
who cares about you so much.
-You married?
-Excuse me?
-I don't see a ring.
You got a woman or what?
-Pardon my mommy's desperation.
-Pardon my daughter's personality.
-So why don't we all have a seat?
-Hey, Mrs. Benson.
When are you-- Ah!
-State your name and business.
-Carly Shay, web show host.
-It's all right, she lives here.
-Who are you?
-Gunsmoke.
-He's a bodyguard.
I hired him to guard Freddie's body in case
that Shadow Hammer man shows up here.
-Gunsmoke's fought in three wars.
-That's right.
I got a hole in my leg as big around as my thumb.
-Someone shot you?
-No.
-Then how'd you get a hole in your leg?
-Freddie!
I found my snow cone machine!
Check it out!
-Ah!
[INAUDIBLE]
-Oh!
Not my face!
Come on!
Mrs. Benson.
Could you please tell Gunsmoke that he does not
need to protect Freddie from me?
-He was carrying a suspicious device.
-It was a snow cone machine.
-Which for all I know could have been filled
with plastic explosives or deadly furon gas.
-Well, it wasn't.
-Then can I have a snow cone?
-No!
You broke it.
[SCREAMING]
-This isn't what I meant by, "express your feelings."
[SCREAMING]
-Now please, ladies, come on.
Come on.
You two are making the opposite of progress.
-Hey, those pants fit you real good.
-Stop it.
Now I'd like to try something new.
-You're going to join a gym?
-No, Sam, you two need to spend some time in the therapy box.
-What's that?
Like a tanning thing?
-No, Pam, it's a new kind of therapy
that's a bit unorthodox.
-Oh, it's cool.
We're not Jewish.
-Please follow me.
In there please.
-What's this room?
-Don't picking your nose.
-I wasn't picking, I was itching.
-Hey, why are you shutting the door?
-The point of the therapy box is to put you in a small space
together with no distractions so you'll
be forced to communicate and work things out.
-Well, what if I got to take a whaz?
-There's a bathroom right behind you.
-Wait.
What about food?
-No food, just talk.
-Who's ready for his mushrooms?
-Why can't I eat pizza like them?
-Whoa.
-What is this movie?
-The Killing War.
-Whoa.
-Don't you think it's a little violent?
-Can we please watch something else?
-Fine.
Put on Full House.
-Awesome.
-Why hasn't Sam texted me?
-She's still at the therapist?
-Yeah.
I'm going to go there and see what's up.
-OK.
I'm gonna grab some lemonade.
-Lemonade is for ballerinas.
-You never listen to me.
-Really?
Well try saying something interesting.
-All you care about is yourself.
-Why can't you be more like Melanie?
-Enough with the comparing me to Melanie!
PAM: You threw up in my car!
SAM: I was six years old, get over it.
-Hi.
-Your friends are insane.
[YELLING]
-How long have they been going at it like that?
-Nine hours.
-Just let me in there.
-Fine.
You try talking to those freaks.
-Why'd you close the door?
-No one leaves the therapy box until those two learn to love!
-You can't just leave me in here with them!
-Then why'd you do in the first place?
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
-Chew your shrooms.
-Ugh.
-(BABY VOICE) Does Fweddie not like his mushy-rooms?
Does little Fweddie not want to eat his special mushy-rooms?
The little--
[GRUNTING]
-Come on!
What was that for?
-I'm being paid to protect that boy,
and nobody's going to lay a hand on him while I'm here.
-Alright, Mr. Smoke, Freddy, Mrs. Benson--
since you're so worried that the Shadow Hammer is coming here
to get ya I'm going to take care of this for you guys right now.
I just need my screwdriver, eh!
Watch this.
I'm going to pop this guy, right off.
Ha ha!
Ah!
One moment.
-No real man drinks lemonade.
-I like lemonade.
-Mhmm.
-8-H. Observe.
Ah ha!
Ah!
Now, if the Shadow Hammer comes by here, which is won't, he'll
be looking for apartment 8-D, which is now down there.
So you're safe.
-That's brilliant.
-Thanks.
Toodle-e-doo!
-Hey!
-Our suitcases are still--
-(SHOUTING) Choo choo!
Last stop!
-[INAUDIBLE]
-Yo, Gunsmoke, out you go.
-But I'm in the middle of Full House.
GIRL (ON TELEVISION): You got it, dude.
-That is hilarious.
-What difference does it make if you're
wearing lipstick in here?
-Welcome to the insanity that is my mother.
-Hey, Sam.
Remember when you were seven and I
told you that Fluffles ran away?
-Yeah.
-I sold him.
-Oh my God.
-You sold my bunny?
-To foreigners!
[GASP]
-Yeah, well you want to know why that rich doctor
stopped calling you?
-Steven?
-I told him you got hit by a bus.
[GASP]
-OK.
We've all done things that we're not proud of, like selling
a child's pet or ruining the chances of a mother finding
true love, but if we just try to look
at the positive side of this it's not that bad.
-You know she's never even said one
nice thing to me about iCarly?
-Come on, I'm sure that's not true.
-What's our iCarly?
-I'm out of here.
This isn't working.
Open up!
-You can't leave the therapy box until you
and your mother make nice.
[GROANS] They're never going to make nice.
They're both horrible in their own ways.
No offense, you know that you're my best friend
and that I love you, but let's face it, you're a nightmare.
-Thank you!
-Well, you're no better!
You're suppose to be the adult here
and you're acting-- [MAKING NOISES]
-Hey, what's wrong?
-You got girl cramps?
-No, I'm freaking out!
-SAM: Why?
--[MAKING NOISES] (PANICKING) Do you remember what
happened in that tiny space simulator?
I can't handle being trapped in small spaces like this.
[MAKING NOISES]
-She's having a freak attack!
What do we do?
-I don't know!
CARLY: (PANICKING) What do you do?
Make up so we can get out of this nut box!
[MAKING NOISES] Just admit that you're both a mess,
but-- but that you love each other
and you want it to be better!
-Why should I admit that?
[MAKING NOISES]
-Hey, Carly.
Carly, Carly, Carly.
Relax.
Relax, Carly.
Hey, hey, hey.
Watch me.
Hey, watch me, OK?
I love you, mother.
[MAKING NOISES]
-Well, what?
You think I don't love you?
-You never say it.
-Well, it's not easy to say "I love you"
to a daughter who thinks I'm-- you know, scummy.
[MAKING NOISES]
-I don't think you're scummy-- all the time.
-Really?
-Yeah, really.
[MAKING NOISES]
-You know, I guess I could've had a worse kid.
-You mean that?
-I do, and I'm sorry I always haven't been as understanding
as I could've been, you know, like when
you get arrested and stuff.
-Well, I could probably try a little harder
not to get arrested.
-I don't like fighting with you.
-Why don't we get you a new bunny?
-Why don't I call that Doctor, you know, tell him your
not really dead?
-Can I come home?
-Oh, hug me, you little turd.
[MAKING NOISES]
-8-D. 8-D. 8-D. No.
8-D. No.
8-D. 8-D. 8-D. 8-D. 8-D.
[THEME MUSIC]