1
00:00:50,984 --> 00:00:52,507
Thank you.
Thank you.

2
00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:53,819
Thank you.

3
00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:56,583
I'd like to begin -
I'd like to -

4
00:00:56,657 --> 00:00:57,817
Thank you. Thank you.

5
00:01:00,661 --> 00:01:04,153
I'd like to begin by saying
fuck Lance Armstrong.

6
00:01:09,169 --> 00:01:10,227
Fuck him and his balls

7
00:01:10,304 --> 00:01:12,204
and his bicycles
and his steroids

8
00:01:12,272 --> 00:01:13,705
and his yellow shirts

9
00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:15,935
and the dumb empty
expression on his face.

10
00:01:16,009 --> 00:01:18,136
I'm tired of that asshole.

11
00:01:19,947 --> 00:01:23,405
And while you're at it
fuck Tiger Woods too.

12
00:01:27,421 --> 00:01:31,118
There's another jack-off
I can do without.

13
00:01:31,191 --> 00:01:33,989
I'm tired of being told who
to admire in this country.

14
00:01:34,061 --> 00:01:37,394
Aren't you sick of being told
who your heroes ought to be?

15
00:01:39,333 --> 00:01:41,494
Being told who you ought
to be looking up to.

16
00:01:41,568 --> 00:01:44,537
I'll choose my own heroes,
thank you very much.

17
00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:47,233
And fuck Dr. Phil too.

18
00:01:57,351 --> 00:01:59,751
Dr. Phil said
I should express my emotions,

19
00:01:59,820 --> 00:02:01,685
so that's what I'm doing.

20
00:02:03,423 --> 00:02:06,358
Now, since the last time I
rolled through these parts -

21
00:02:06,426 --> 00:02:08,690
and I do roll through
with some frequency.

22
00:02:08,762 --> 00:02:12,994
I'm a little bit like herpes.
I keep coming back.

23
00:02:13,066 --> 00:02:15,591
But since the last time I might
have seen some of you folks

24
00:02:15,669 --> 00:02:20,197
I have had my 70th birthday.
So I'm at -

25
00:02:20,273 --> 00:02:23,003
Thank you very much.
Thank you.

26
00:02:23,076 --> 00:02:24,737
Thank you.

27
00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:28,542
Yeah, I'm now 70 years old,
and I like 70.

28
00:02:28,615 --> 00:02:31,049
Not as much as I liked 69.

29
00:02:32,319 --> 00:02:36,153
Well, 69 was always
my favorite number.

30
00:02:36,223 --> 00:02:40,284
Now I figure I'm 69
with one finger up my ass.

31
00:02:46,233 --> 00:02:49,259
But now that I'm an old fuck

32
00:02:49,336 --> 00:02:51,395
- and that's what I
consider myself to be -

33
00:02:51,471 --> 00:02:52,995
an old fuck.

34
00:02:53,073 --> 00:02:55,041
Old fuck is a very special term.

35
00:02:55,108 --> 00:02:56,473
It's not like old man.

36
00:02:56,543 --> 00:02:57,874
Old man is different.

37
00:02:57,944 --> 00:03:01,573
Old man isn't really a time in
your life or a period of years.

38
00:03:01,648 --> 00:03:03,979
It's an attitude.
Old man is a point of view.

39
00:03:03,980 --> 00:03:05,550
It's a way of looking at things.

40
00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:07,985
Some guys are old men when
they're in their 20's.

41
00:03:08,055 --> 00:03:11,149
You've met guys like that.
They're just wired like old men.

42
00:03:11,224 --> 00:03:11,883
Not me.

43
00:03:11,958 --> 00:03:14,051
Not an old man
and not an old fart

44
00:03:14,127 --> 00:03:18,655
because an old fart is kind of -

45
00:03:18,732 --> 00:03:21,166
What I am is an old fuck.

46
00:03:21,234 --> 00:03:24,795
It's kind of like a fat fuck,
you know what I mean?

47
00:03:24,871 --> 00:03:28,102
Fat fuck, tall fuck,
skinny fuck, short fuck,

48
00:03:28,175 --> 00:03:29,665
old fuck.
Who's the old fuck?

49
00:03:29,743 --> 00:03:33,270
That's Georgie.
Georgie's the old fuck.

50
00:03:33,346 --> 00:03:38,181
In this respect, fuck is actually
a synonym for the word fellow.

51
00:03:40,487 --> 00:03:42,580
But now that I'm an old fuck
I'm beginning to notice

52
00:03:42,656 --> 00:03:45,784
there's some advantages to
putting on a few extra years.

53
00:03:45,859 --> 00:03:47,258
The first one is

54
00:03:47,327 --> 00:03:51,024
you never have to carry
anything heavy ever again.

55
00:03:51,098 --> 00:03:54,226
Everybody wants to
help an old fuck.

56
00:03:54,301 --> 00:03:56,326
If you've got a big suitcase or
something like that, you know,

57
00:03:56,403 --> 00:03:57,927
you just kind of go
like this a little bit.

58
00:03:58,004 --> 00:03:59,631
You say, "Yeah, could
you help me with this?"

59
00:03:59,706 --> 00:04:00,832
Say, "Yeah.
Hey, how far you going?"

60
00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:02,499
"Indianapolis."

61
00:04:03,977 --> 00:04:06,969
He wants to help?
Fuck him. Put him to work.

62
00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:10,174
Take advantage of people.

63
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:11,717
Another nice thing about
getting old is

64
00:04:11,785 --> 00:04:18,452
you can leave any social event
early just by saying you're tired.

65
00:04:18,525 --> 00:04:21,085
Works great
with family members.

66
00:04:21,161 --> 00:04:22,458
Just turn to the person
next to you and say,

67
00:04:22,529 --> 00:04:25,157
"Geez, I'm getting tired,
you know."

68
00:04:25,232 --> 00:04:26,530
Oh, are you tired?
Come on.

69
00:04:26,531 --> 00:04:28,292
Grandpa's tired.
Grandpa's going to bed.

70
00:04:28,368 --> 00:04:31,337
Someone else says,
"But it's 7:30 in the morning."

71
00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:36,238
There's always one
asshole in the family.

72
00:04:36,309 --> 00:04:38,504
But the best thing about
getting old is

73
00:04:38,578 --> 00:04:42,639
you're not responsible for
remembering things anymore,

74
00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:44,616
even important things.

75
00:04:44,684 --> 00:04:47,050
"But it was your
daughter's funeral."

76
00:04:51,191 --> 00:04:52,658
I forgot.

77
00:04:53,894 --> 00:04:56,954
You can even make believe you
have Alzheimer's disease.

78
00:04:57,030 --> 00:04:58,759
Ah, it's a lot of fun.

79
00:04:58,832 --> 00:05:00,697
You look around the dining
room table and you say,

80
00:05:00,767 --> 00:05:03,258
"Who are you people,
and where is my horse?"

81
00:05:05,705 --> 00:05:07,935
Then you stare at your
eldest son and say,

82
00:05:08,008 --> 00:05:11,535
"Agnes, I haven't seen you
since first communion."

83
00:05:11,611 --> 00:05:13,340
Fucks them up.

84
00:05:14,247 --> 00:05:16,841
Fucks them up.
They don't know how to handle it.

85
00:05:16,917 --> 00:05:19,784
It takes them a week
to get over that shit.

86
00:05:19,853 --> 00:05:23,653
And they start listening to you
a lot more carefully from then on.

87
00:05:23,723 --> 00:05:26,385
So don't be afraid to get old.
It's a great time of life.

88
00:05:26,459 --> 00:05:28,188
You get to take
advantage of people,

89
00:05:28,261 --> 00:05:31,526
and you're not
responsible for anything.

90
00:05:31,598 --> 00:05:34,066
You can even
shit in your pants.

91
00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:42,568
They expect it.

92
00:05:43,777 --> 00:05:45,540
I haven't tried that yet,

93
00:05:45,612 --> 00:05:47,944
but I don't rule it out.

94
00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:50,482
I'm keeping my options open.

95
00:05:50,550 --> 00:05:52,916
Everything is on the table.

96
00:05:55,121 --> 00:05:58,579
Perhaps that's not the figure
of speech I wanted right there.

97
00:05:59,893 --> 00:06:01,019
So you know what
I've been doing?

98
00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:05,326
Going through my address book
and crossing out the dead people.

99
00:06:05,398 --> 00:06:07,628
You do that?
That's a lot of fun, isn't it?

100
00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:11,467
It gives you a good feeling.
Kind of gives you a feeling of power,

101
00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:15,406
a superiority to have
outlasted another old friend.

102
00:06:15,475 --> 00:06:19,002
But you can't do it too soon, you know?
You can't do it too soon.

103
00:06:19,079 --> 00:06:21,070
You can't come running
home from the funeral

104
00:06:21,071 --> 00:06:23,106
and get the book out and
be looking through it.

105
00:06:23,783 --> 00:06:26,547
You can't do that.
A little time has to pass.

106
00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:28,315
You have to let a
little time go by.

107
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:31,255
I have a rule of thumb -
six weeks.

108
00:06:31,324 --> 00:06:33,724
If you're a friend of mine and
you're in my book and you die,

109
00:06:33,793 --> 00:06:36,557
I leave you alone
for an extra six weeks.

110
00:06:36,630 --> 00:06:40,259
Six extra weeks in the book.
On the house. It's on me.

111
00:06:40,333 --> 00:06:42,324
But after that,
hey, facts are facts.

112
00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:43,801
Fuck you. You're dead.

113
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:50,740
Out you fucking go.

114
00:06:51,378 --> 00:06:53,710
You got to have
standards, you know.

115
00:06:54,881 --> 00:06:58,681
Now, these days a lot of people don't
keep analog address books anymore.

116
00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:01,186
They don't want to be writing
that stuff out longhand.

117
00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:02,619
They're in the computer age.

118
00:07:02,689 --> 00:07:05,624
And they have an application in
the computer called Outlook

119
00:07:05,692 --> 00:07:08,593
or Contacts or Address Book
or something like that.

120
00:07:08,662 --> 00:07:11,130
So they keep all the
information in the computer,

121
00:07:11,197 --> 00:07:13,722
and they sync it up with their
phone every day or every other day.

122
00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:16,325
So now instead of
scratching out a name

123
00:07:16,403 --> 00:07:18,803
you get to delete the fuck.

124
00:07:20,073 --> 00:07:23,702
And deleting someone is an even
more powerful feeling

125
00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:25,836
than simply
scratching out a name.

126
00:07:25,912 --> 00:07:27,641
You know how to delete someone.

127
00:07:27,714 --> 00:07:29,545
You select a name,

128
00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:31,243
highlight the person

129
00:07:31,318 --> 00:07:33,650
and then poof,

130
00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:37,150
straight into the trash.

131
00:07:37,857 --> 00:07:40,121
Now, if it's a really close
friend of yours

132
00:07:40,193 --> 00:07:43,890
you might not want to empty
the trash for about six weeks.

133
00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:50,399
Or, if it's a
little too harsh for you,

134
00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:53,098
a little too harsh to
delete an old friend,

135
00:07:53,173 --> 00:07:56,165
you can always
create a new folder,

136
00:07:57,410 --> 00:08:00,311
a special folder
for dead people.

137
00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:03,509
You keep it on your desktop.

138
00:08:04,384 --> 00:08:07,217
It's kind of a
digital purgatory.

139
00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:19,858
And the nice thing
is every now and then

140
00:08:19,859 --> 00:08:22,158
you can open it up,
and you can look inside.

141
00:08:22,235 --> 00:08:23,759
And you can see the
people in purgatory.

142
00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:26,499
You can move them all around,
you know. Move them around.

143
00:08:26,573 --> 00:08:29,007
Put them in little groups.
Two people who didn't get along in life,

144
00:08:29,075 --> 00:08:30,940
put them in the corner;
let them work it out.

145
00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:32,273
Let them work out in purgatory.

146
00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:34,342
Or start a fight.
Have a big fight in purgatory.

147
00:08:34,343 --> 00:08:35,075
That's a lot of fun.

148
00:08:35,148 --> 00:08:39,050
Nobody's gonna get hurt.
They're a fucking dead anyway.

149
00:08:39,119 --> 00:08:43,055
Then you put them in a big
formation and have a parade -

150
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:46,286
the purgatory parade
of dead people.

151
00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:50,455
Ah, there's a lot of fun you
can have with a computer,

152
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:53,294
so enjoy your digital selves.

153
00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:56,530
Now, speaking of dead people,

154
00:08:56,603 --> 00:08:59,436
there things we say
when someone dies -

155
00:08:59,506 --> 00:09:01,406
most of us say,
a lot of us do -

156
00:09:01,474 --> 00:09:03,965
things we say
that no one ever questions.

157
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:06,035
They just kind of go unexamined.

158
00:09:06,112 --> 00:09:08,080
I'll give you a
couple of examples.

159
00:09:08,148 --> 00:09:12,517
After someone dies the following
conversation is bound to take place

160
00:09:12,585 --> 00:09:14,416
probably more than once.

161
00:09:14,487 --> 00:09:16,079
Two guys meet on the street.

162
00:09:16,156 --> 00:09:18,818
"Hey, did you hear?
Phil Davis died."

163
00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:20,382
"Phil Davis?

164
00:09:20,460 --> 00:09:23,486
I just saw him yesterday."

165
00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:25,531
Yeah?

166
00:09:25,598 --> 00:09:27,088
Didn't help.

167
00:09:29,002 --> 00:09:31,232
He died anyway.

168
00:09:31,304 --> 00:09:36,503
Apparently the simple act of your
seeing him did not slow his cancer down.

169
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:40,137
In fact, it may have
made it more aggressive.

170
00:09:40,213 --> 00:09:44,047
You know, you could be
responsible for Phil's death.

171
00:09:44,117 --> 00:09:48,076
How do you live with yourself?

172
00:09:48,154 --> 00:09:49,883
Here's another thing
they say after a death.

173
00:09:49,956 --> 00:09:53,551
This is usually said to
the surviving spouse.

174
00:09:53,626 --> 00:09:58,086
"Listen, if there's anything
I can do, anything at all,

175
00:09:58,164 --> 00:10:02,260
please don't hesitate to ask."

176
00:10:02,335 --> 00:10:05,031
What are you going to
do, a resurrection?

177
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:07,630
This ain't the fucking
New Testament, you know.

178
00:10:07,707 --> 00:10:09,766
You know what you tell a guy
like that who wants to help?

179
00:10:09,843 --> 00:10:12,219
Well fine, why don't you
come over this weekend.

180
00:10:12,220 --> 00:10:13,335
You can paint the garage.

181
00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:16,639
Bring your plunger.
The upstairs toilet overflowed

182
00:10:16,716 --> 00:10:19,651
and there's shit
all over the floor up there.

183
00:10:19,719 --> 00:10:21,584
Do you drive a tractor?
Good. That'll come in handy.

184
00:10:21,654 --> 00:10:24,350
The north 40 needs
a lot of attention.

185
00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:25,857
Bring your chainsaw
and your pickaxe.

186
00:10:25,925 --> 00:10:28,359
We're going to put
your ass to work.

187
00:10:28,428 --> 00:10:31,920
He wants to help?
Fuck him. Call his bluff.

188
00:10:31,998 --> 00:10:34,626
Call his bluff.
"Don't hesitate to ask."

189
00:10:34,701 --> 00:10:36,532
The nerve of these pricks.

190
00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:42,906
Here's another thing we say
to the surviving spouse.

191
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:46,571
"I'm keeping him
in my thoughts."

192
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:48,136
Where?

193
00:10:49,015 --> 00:10:52,178
Where exactly in your
thoughts does he fit?

194
00:10:52,252 --> 00:10:55,779
In between my ass hurt in this
chair and let's fuck the waitress?

195
00:11:01,961 --> 00:11:04,020
What are your priorities?

196
00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:09,863
We use a lot of euphemisms when
we talk about death, you know.

197
00:11:09,936 --> 00:11:14,066
People say things like,
"You know, I lost my father."

198
00:11:14,140 --> 00:11:16,131
Ah, he'll turn up.

199
00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:20,677
You've got to stay optimistic
with people like that.

200
00:11:20,747 --> 00:11:22,237
Give them reason to hope.

201
00:11:22,315 --> 00:11:25,284
Have you checked the
dumpster out back?

202
00:11:25,351 --> 00:11:28,149
He used to like to
take a nap in there.

203
00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:29,813
Keep it upbeat.

204
00:11:30,924 --> 00:11:35,918
Now, there's something else
that is said after a death,

205
00:11:37,263 --> 00:11:41,359
but this one involves belief,

206
00:11:41,434 --> 00:11:44,164
which is where I begin to have

207
00:11:44,237 --> 00:11:46,228
big problems.

208
00:11:47,874 --> 00:11:51,332
This one happens after the funeral,
after the burial, back at the house.

209
00:11:51,411 --> 00:11:52,969
Back at the house

210
00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:55,071
where the family
and friends and the loved ones

211
00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:57,810
of the deceased are
having some food and drink,

212
00:11:57,884 --> 00:12:00,493
and they're enjoying
some warm reminiscences

213
00:12:00,494 --> 00:12:02,116
of the person who passed away,

214
00:12:02,188 --> 00:12:05,248
sooner or later, someone is
bound to say the following,

215
00:12:05,325 --> 00:12:09,091
especially after a few drinks.

216
00:12:09,162 --> 00:12:16,830
"You know, I think he's up
there now smiling down at us,

217
00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:20,066
and I think he's pleased."

218
00:12:25,612 --> 00:12:29,275
Now, first of all,

219
00:12:29,349 --> 00:12:32,580
there is no "up there"

220
00:12:34,654 --> 00:12:36,417
no, no

221
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:42,550
for people to be
smiling down from.

222
00:12:50,670 --> 00:12:53,503
It's poetic. It's quaint.

223
00:12:53,573 --> 00:12:57,669
And I guess for superstitious
people it provides a little comfort,

224
00:12:57,744 --> 00:12:59,609
but it doesn't exist.

225
00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:01,772
But if it did, if it did,

226
00:13:01,848 --> 00:13:06,148
and if someone did somehow survive
death in the non-physical form,

227
00:13:06,219 --> 00:13:10,815
I personally think he'd be far too
busy with other celestial activities

228
00:13:10,890 --> 00:13:13,256
than to be
standing around paradise

229
00:13:13,326 --> 00:13:15,385
smiling down

230
00:13:24,704 --> 00:13:26,399
on live people.

231
00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:29,464
What kind of fucking
eternity is that?

232
00:13:30,576 --> 00:13:36,242
And why is no one ever says,
"I think he's down there now,

233
00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:39,376
smiling up at us."

234
00:13:39,452 --> 00:13:44,480
Apparently it never occurs to people
that their loved ones might be in hell.

235
00:13:44,557 --> 00:13:46,855
Your parents could
be in hell right now.

236
00:13:46,926 --> 00:13:49,861
Your parents -
your father for sure.

237
00:13:50,997 --> 00:13:53,864
Oh, shit.
Hell is full of dads.

238
00:13:53,933 --> 00:13:58,302
Full of dads - even the ones
that took you to the ballgame -

239
00:13:58,371 --> 00:14:01,772
just for beating the shit
out of you once too often

240
00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:05,675
and fucking the neighbor lady

241
00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:09,340
and fucking the neighbor dog,

242
00:14:09,415 --> 00:14:14,443
and who knows,
maybe even fucking the UPS man.

243
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:18,149
We'll never know what
mischief dad was up to.

244
00:14:18,758 --> 00:14:20,623
Parents in hell.

245
00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:23,958
It kind of gives you a
nice feeling, doesn't it?

246
00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:26,658
It does me.

247
00:14:26,733 --> 00:14:28,598
Grandparents in hell.

248
00:14:28,668 --> 00:14:29,999
Picture that.

249
00:14:30,069 --> 00:14:32,765
Picture your grandmother in hell

250
00:14:32,839 --> 00:14:35,034
baking pies

251
00:14:35,108 --> 00:14:37,133
without an oven.

252
00:14:39,912 --> 00:14:41,777
And if someone were in hell,

253
00:14:41,848 --> 00:14:45,909
I doubt very seriously
he'd be smiling.

254
00:14:45,985 --> 00:14:50,217
I think he's down there
now screaming up at us,

255
00:14:50,289 --> 00:14:53,053
and I think he's in severe pain.

256
00:14:53,693 --> 00:14:56,594
People just refuse
to be realistic.

257
00:14:56,662 --> 00:14:58,687
They don't like to be realistic.

258
00:14:58,765 --> 00:15:02,257
People would rather
stroke themselves, you know.

259
00:15:02,335 --> 00:15:04,360
Oh, they like to stroke
themselves, don't they?

260
00:15:04,437 --> 00:15:06,132
Stroke themselves.
They stroke each other.

261
00:15:06,205 --> 00:15:07,001
They get stroked.

262
00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:08,734
They stroke the boss.
The boss strokes them.

263
00:15:08,808 --> 00:15:09,933
Everybody strokes everybody.

264
00:15:09,934 --> 00:15:11,902
It's nothing but a big
stroke job in this country.

265
00:15:11,978 --> 00:15:13,570
The government strokes you
every day of your life.

266
00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:15,341
Religion never
stops stroking you.

267
00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:16,780
Big business gives
you a good stroke.

268
00:15:16,849 --> 00:15:18,894
And it's one big, transcontinental,

269
00:15:18,895 --> 00:15:21,582
cross-country, red,
white and blue stroke job.

270
00:15:21,654 --> 00:15:23,554
Do you know -

271
00:15:23,623 --> 00:15:25,284
yeah. Yeah.

272
00:15:30,730 --> 00:15:33,597
Do you know what the national
emblem for this country ought to be?

273
00:15:33,666 --> 00:15:35,258
Forget that bald eagle.

274
00:15:35,334 --> 00:15:37,495
The national emblem of this
country ought to be

275
00:15:37,570 --> 00:15:40,767
Uncle Sam standing naked
at attention saluting.

276
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:43,502
And seated on a chair
next to him

277
00:15:43,576 --> 00:15:46,044
the Statue of Liberty
jerking him off.

278
00:15:52,518 --> 00:15:56,682
That would be a good symbol for
the United Strokes of America.

279
00:15:57,824 --> 00:15:59,758
It's all bullshit folks.

280
00:15:59,826 --> 00:16:01,885
It's all bullshit,
and it's bad for you.

281
00:16:03,362 --> 00:16:06,263
Now, speaking of dead
people in heaven,

282
00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:13,838
there are some people
who not only believe

283
00:16:13,906 --> 00:16:18,104
that their dead parents
in heaven can see them

284
00:16:18,177 --> 00:16:20,270
- okay,

285
00:16:20,346 --> 00:16:21,870
okay -

286
00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:29,186
they honestly believe that their
dead parents in heaven can help them.

287
00:16:29,255 --> 00:16:31,849
You've heard these
people, I'm sure.

288
00:16:31,924 --> 00:16:34,791
They honestly somehow believe
that their dead parents in heaven

289
00:16:34,861 --> 00:16:39,025
can intercede with God on their
behalf to gain favors for the living.

290
00:16:39,098 --> 00:16:43,933
I come from a Catholic home.
I heard this shit.

291
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,971
They sit there in the chair
with the fucking rosary,

292
00:16:46,038 --> 00:16:47,335
and they look at you
like this, you know.

293
00:16:47,406 --> 00:16:49,567
And they said "Oh, my dad.
My dad was looking out for me.

294
00:16:49,642 --> 00:16:50,307
He was looking out.

295
00:16:50,308 --> 00:16:52,440
I don't know how he got me out
of that jam, but he got me out.

296
00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:54,912
Oh, my mom - my mom
was in surgery with me.

297
00:16:54,981 --> 00:16:57,006
She was in - I could feel
her presence in there."

298
00:16:57,083 --> 00:16:59,244
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

299
00:16:59,318 --> 00:17:02,014
Fine.

300
00:17:02,088 --> 00:17:04,079
Like the people who die
have nothing better to do

301
00:17:04,156 --> 00:17:08,149
than run the heavenly branch
of the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

302
00:17:10,096 --> 00:17:12,360
Now,

303
00:17:12,431 --> 00:17:13,921
if people want to believe
this kind of stuff

304
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:15,524
it's fine with me.
Let them believe it.

305
00:17:15,601 --> 00:17:18,866
I don't want to disabuse
anyone of their beliefs.

306
00:17:18,938 --> 00:17:21,634
But I have a
question about this,

307
00:17:21,707 --> 00:17:25,609
a question that involves logic.

308
00:17:27,179 --> 00:17:28,703
Let's suppose it's true.

309
00:17:28,781 --> 00:17:30,959
Let's allow the
proposition that somehow

310
00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:33,775
dead parents in heaven can
help their living children.

311
00:17:33,853 --> 00:17:34,444
Fine.

312
00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:37,785
So we've got a family living on earth,
a father and mother and four kids.

313
00:17:37,857 --> 00:17:38,721
A family of six.

314
00:17:38,791 --> 00:17:39,859
A good family.
A nice family.

315
00:17:39,860 --> 00:17:41,589
Doing all the right things,
having a good time,

316
00:17:41,661 --> 00:17:42,685
making all the right moves.

317
00:17:42,762 --> 00:17:47,495
And the parents go away on a weekend
trip and get killed in an accident,

318
00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:49,159
and the children,
of course, survive.

319
00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:50,759
So now, according
to this theory,

320
00:17:50,836 --> 00:17:52,701
these two people go to heaven

321
00:17:52,772 --> 00:17:55,002
and they start helping
their four living children,

322
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:56,405
helping them
with everything they need.

323
00:17:56,475 --> 00:17:59,376
Helping them with their science
projects, with their SAT scores.

324
00:17:59,445 --> 00:18:02,243
Helping them get a good
school, get a nice job,

325
00:18:02,315 --> 00:18:04,417
get a promotion and a
raise and someone to marry,

326
00:18:04,418 --> 00:18:05,216
and they all grow up.

327
00:18:05,284 --> 00:18:08,447
These four kids now grow up
and have children of their own.

328
00:18:08,521 --> 00:18:11,202
And let's say that
all four of these

329
00:18:11,203 --> 00:18:14,391
now-grown children also
die at the same time,

330
00:18:14,460 --> 00:18:17,623
just for the sake of argument.

331
00:18:17,697 --> 00:18:21,326
Let's say there's an explosion
at Thanksgiving dinner,

332
00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:27,804
and these four die,
but their children survive

333
00:18:27,873 --> 00:18:31,468
because they were seated
at the children's table.

334
00:18:33,179 --> 00:18:34,203
So -

335
00:18:36,349 --> 00:18:38,044
So now, according to the theory,

336
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:41,086
these four go to heaven and they
start helping their living children.

337
00:18:41,153 --> 00:18:42,950
But what happens to
the original two?

338
00:18:43,022 --> 00:18:45,786
What happens to the grandparents?
Do they just go off-duty now?

339
00:18:45,858 --> 00:18:46,620
What do they do?

340
00:18:46,692 --> 00:18:48,990
Is there a retirement
program up there?

341
00:18:49,061 --> 00:18:50,653
Is there some activities
for these people?

342
00:18:50,730 --> 00:18:52,960
Shuffleboard,
pinball, online poker.

343
00:18:53,032 --> 00:18:54,590
There must be
something they can do.

344
00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:57,135
Or do they have to remain
on duty indefinitely?

345
00:18:57,203 --> 00:18:58,583
Do they have to keep on helping

346
00:18:58,584 --> 00:19:00,764
their living decedents
forever and ever and ever?

347
00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:03,104
Is that what heaven is all
about, helping the living?

348
00:19:03,175 --> 00:19:04,836
When do you get to just
lie back on a cloud

349
00:19:04,910 --> 00:19:08,778
and take a fucking harp lesson,
you know what I mean?

350
00:19:08,848 --> 00:19:13,945
Because people have been
dying for a long, long time.

351
00:19:14,020 --> 00:19:15,976
There's been a lot of
dead mother-fuckers.

352
00:19:15,977 --> 00:19:16,750
Did you know that?

353
00:19:16,822 --> 00:19:18,915
Yes, you knew there's a
lot of dead mother-fuckers.

354
00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:21,255
We've had 100 billion
people live on this earth.

355
00:19:21,327 --> 00:19:22,521
That's what the experts say.

356
00:19:22,595 --> 00:19:24,256
A hundred billion
people have lived here.

357
00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:25,991
So let's say half of them
died and went to heaven.

358
00:19:26,065 --> 00:19:27,623
That's 50 billion
people up there.

359
00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:28,924
That's a pretty crowded place.

360
00:19:28,925 --> 00:19:30,965
It must get pretty busy
and pretty hectic up there.

361
00:19:31,037 --> 00:19:33,870
And God must get pretty pissed
off with all these favors.

362
00:19:33,939 --> 00:19:35,634
"Yeah, yeah, I know.
Spelling test Tuesday.

363
00:19:35,708 --> 00:19:37,505
Get the fuck out of here,
would you, please?

364
00:19:37,576 --> 00:19:39,441
Just get the fuck out of here."

365
00:19:46,419 --> 00:19:51,618
Well, even God can go on
sensory overload.

366
00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:54,922
That's why he wanted
one day off a week.

367
00:19:54,994 --> 00:19:56,859
Christians gave him Sunday.

368
00:19:56,929 --> 00:19:58,658
Jews gave him Saturday.

369
00:19:58,731 --> 00:20:01,131
Muslims gave him Friday.

370
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,964
God has a three-day weekend,

371
00:20:06,238 --> 00:20:08,138
which is probably
just what he needs.

372
00:20:08,774 --> 00:20:11,675
Now, just a couple of other
questions about this whole theory.

373
00:20:11,744 --> 00:20:16,078
Suppose you die without
having any children.

374
00:20:16,148 --> 00:20:18,173
Who do you help,

375
00:20:18,250 --> 00:20:20,150
strangers?

376
00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:22,619
It would be nice.

377
00:20:22,688 --> 00:20:25,782
Suppose you're an adopted child.

378
00:20:25,858 --> 00:20:28,088
Who helps you,

379
00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:30,025
your biological mother?

380
00:20:30,096 --> 00:20:33,065
She doesn't even know
where the fuck you live.

381
00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:43,698
Suppose you kill your parents.

382
00:20:48,447 --> 00:20:50,813
Would they help you?

383
00:20:50,883 --> 00:20:56,185
I'll guarantee you Mr. and Mrs. Menendez
are not helping those two boys.

384
00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:58,416
No. No.

385
00:21:05,564 --> 00:21:08,692
Yeah, it's all bullshit folks,
and it's bad for you.

386
00:21:08,768 --> 00:21:09,325
It's all bullshit.

387
00:21:09,401 --> 00:21:11,699
That's what you have to remember as
you go through life in this country.

388
00:21:11,771 --> 00:21:14,365
It's all bullshit,
and it's bad for you.

389
00:21:15,741 --> 00:21:19,905
Now, speaking of parents
and peaking of bullshit -

390
00:21:19,979 --> 00:21:23,471
two ideas which aren't always
mutually exclusive, by the way -

391
00:21:23,549 --> 00:21:25,744
I'd like to mention
a special kind of bullshit

392
00:21:25,818 --> 00:21:30,016
that has taken hold in this
country in the last 30 to 40 years.

393
00:21:30,089 --> 00:21:33,490
It's a form of bullshit that
really only can be called

394
00:21:33,559 --> 00:21:34,821
child worship.

395
00:21:34,894 --> 00:21:36,691
It's child worship.

396
00:21:36,762 --> 00:21:40,960
It's this excessive
devotion to children.

397
00:21:41,033 --> 00:21:44,491
I'm talking about today's
professional parents,

398
00:21:44,570 --> 00:21:49,303
these obsessive diaper sniffers,

399
00:21:49,375 --> 00:21:52,242
who are over-scheduling and
over-managing their children

400
00:21:52,311 --> 00:21:54,779
and robbing them
of their childhoods.

401
00:21:54,847 --> 00:21:57,645
Even the simple act of playing -

402
00:22:03,989 --> 00:22:09,256
Even the simple act of playing
has been taken away from children

403
00:22:09,328 --> 00:22:13,128
and put on mommy's schedule
in the form of play dates.

404
00:22:13,199 --> 00:22:15,963
Something that should be
spontaneous and free

405
00:22:16,035 --> 00:22:19,061
is now being rigidly planned.

406
00:22:19,138 --> 00:22:24,269
When does a kid ever get to sit
in the yard with a stick anymore?

407
00:22:24,343 --> 00:22:28,746
You know, just sit there
with a fucking stick.

408
00:22:28,814 --> 00:22:33,217
Do today's kids even
know what a stick is?

409
00:22:33,285 --> 00:22:34,650
You know.

410
00:22:36,622 --> 00:22:39,682
You sit in the yard
with a fucking stick

411
00:22:39,758 --> 00:22:43,524
and you dig a fucking hole.

412
00:22:43,596 --> 00:22:45,120
You know.

413
00:22:51,904 --> 00:22:55,499
And you look at the hole,
and you look at the stick,

414
00:22:55,574 --> 00:22:58,065
and you have a little fun.

415
00:22:58,143 --> 00:23:00,441
But kids don't
have sticks anymore.

416
00:23:00,512 --> 00:23:03,242
I don't think there
are any sticks left.

417
00:23:03,315 --> 00:23:07,684
I think they've all been
recalled because of lead paint.

418
00:23:08,721 --> 00:23:10,966
Who would have thought that one day

419
00:23:10,967 --> 00:23:14,557
the manufacturing of sticks
would be outsourced to China?

420
00:23:14,627 --> 00:23:18,256
But you know something, a kid shouldn't
be wasting his time with a stick anyway.

421
00:23:18,330 --> 00:23:20,389
If he's 4 years old
he should be home

422
00:23:20,466 --> 00:23:24,368
studying for his
kindergarten entrance exams.

423
00:23:24,436 --> 00:23:26,961
Do you know about that shit?
Oh, they have them now. Yeah. Yeah.

424
00:23:27,039 --> 00:23:30,236
There are places that have
kindergarten entrance exams.

425
00:23:30,309 --> 00:23:32,800
The poor little fuck.

426
00:23:32,878 --> 00:23:36,678
The poor little fuck,
he can barely locate his dick,

427
00:23:39,652 --> 00:23:44,282
you know, and already he's
being pressured to succeed.

428
00:23:44,356 --> 00:23:47,655
Pressured to succeed for
the sake of the parents.

429
00:23:47,726 --> 00:23:51,924
Isn't this really just a
sophisticated form of child abuse?

430
00:23:51,997 --> 00:23:55,296
And speaking of that,
speaking of child abuse -

431
00:24:00,706 --> 00:24:04,039
speaking of child abuse,
next stop grade school.

432
00:24:04,109 --> 00:24:06,952
Grade school where
he won't be allowed

433
00:24:06,953 --> 00:24:10,378
to play tag because it
encourages victimization.

434
00:24:10,449 --> 00:24:14,681
And he won't be allowed to play
dodge ball because it's exclusionary,

435
00:24:14,753 --> 00:24:16,118
and it promotes aggression.

436
00:24:16,188 --> 00:24:18,349
Standing around is still okay.

437
00:24:18,424 --> 00:24:21,518
Standing around is still
permitted, but it won't be for long

438
00:24:21,593 --> 00:24:24,344
because sooner or later some kid
is gonna be standing around,

439
00:24:24,345 --> 00:24:25,586
and his foot will fall asleep,

440
00:24:25,664 --> 00:24:27,222
and his parents
will sue the school,

441
00:24:27,299 --> 00:24:30,496
and it'll be goodbye
fucking standing around.

442
00:24:39,244 --> 00:24:41,838
Now fortunately all is not lost.

443
00:24:41,914 --> 00:24:44,849
All is not lost
because at least we know

444
00:24:44,917 --> 00:24:46,536
that when he does get to play,

445
00:24:46,537 --> 00:24:48,478
whatever games he
is allowed to play,

446
00:24:48,554 --> 00:24:50,454
the child will never lose.

447
00:24:50,522 --> 00:24:53,286
We know he'll never lose
because in today's America

448
00:24:53,359 --> 00:24:55,350
no child ever loses.

449
00:24:55,427 --> 00:24:57,088
There are no losers anymore.

450
00:24:57,162 --> 00:24:58,356
Everyone's a winner,

451
00:24:58,430 --> 00:25:01,957
no matter what the game or sport
or competition, everybody wins.

452
00:25:02,034 --> 00:25:04,434
Everybody wins.
Everybody gets a trophy.

453
00:25:04,503 --> 00:25:05,697
No one is a loser.

454
00:25:05,771 --> 00:25:10,401
No child these days ever gets to those
all-important character building words,

455
00:25:10,476 --> 00:25:13,377
"You lost, Bobby.

456
00:25:13,445 --> 00:25:16,710
You lost.
You're a loser, Bobby."

457
00:25:16,782 --> 00:25:19,250
They miss out on that.

458
00:25:19,318 --> 00:25:21,752
You know what they tell a
kid who lost these days?

459
00:25:21,820 --> 00:25:24,380
"You were the last winner."

460
00:25:27,926 --> 00:25:31,557
A lot of these kids never get to
hear the truth about themselves

461
00:25:31,558 --> 00:25:32,954
until they're in their 20's

462
00:25:33,032 --> 00:25:34,556
when the boss
calls them in and says,

463
00:25:34,633 --> 00:25:36,518
"Bobby, clean the
shit out of your desk

464
00:25:36,519 --> 00:25:38,592
and get the fuck out of here.
You're a loser.

465
00:25:38,670 --> 00:25:40,365
Get the fuck out of here."

466
00:25:48,547 --> 00:25:52,745
Of course, Bobby's parents can't
understand why he can't hold a job.

467
00:25:52,818 --> 00:25:55,252
In school he was always
on the honor roll.

468
00:25:55,320 --> 00:25:58,221
Well, what they don't understand,
of course, is that in today's schools

469
00:25:58,290 --> 00:26:00,622
everyone is on the honor roll.

470
00:26:00,692 --> 00:26:04,219
Everyone is on the honor roll because
in order to be in the honor roll,

471
00:26:04,296 --> 00:26:06,922
all you really need
to do is to maintain

472
00:26:06,923 --> 00:26:09,996
a body temperature somewhere
roughly in the 90's.

473
00:26:12,071 --> 00:26:13,663
But we shouldn't be worrying
about how he's doing in school

474
00:26:13,739 --> 00:26:17,106
because you know come summertime
he'll be off to camp.

475
00:26:17,176 --> 00:26:18,803
Yes, he'll be off to camp,

476
00:26:18,877 --> 00:26:22,210
but not to swim and hike
and play softball. No, no, no.

477
00:26:22,281 --> 00:26:25,079
Today's child will be
sent away to lose weight.

478
00:26:25,150 --> 00:26:27,141
He'll be sent away to fat camp

479
00:26:27,219 --> 00:26:29,517
or violin camp or ceramics camp

480
00:26:29,588 --> 00:26:34,525
or computer camp or leadership
camp, whatever the fuck that is.

481
00:26:34,593 --> 00:26:38,256
Leadership camp.
Isn't that where Hitler went?

482
00:26:45,437 --> 00:26:49,134
Specialized,
structured summer camps.

483
00:26:49,208 --> 00:26:51,540
Gotta keep the little
fucker busy, don't they?

484
00:26:51,610 --> 00:26:53,635
Gotta keep the
little fucker busy.

485
00:26:53,712 --> 00:26:57,341
Wouldn't want him to sneak in a
little unstructured time in the woods.

486
00:26:57,416 --> 00:26:59,043
That wouldn't be any good.

487
00:26:59,118 --> 00:27:01,985
God knows he might
start jacking off.

488
00:27:04,389 --> 00:27:08,917
Now, all of this stupid bullshit
that children have been so crippled by

489
00:27:08,994 --> 00:27:13,693
has grown out of something
called the self-esteem movement.

490
00:27:13,765 --> 00:27:16,928
The self-esteem
movement began in 1970,

491
00:27:17,002 --> 00:27:21,234
and I'm happy to say it has
been a complete failure

492
00:27:21,306 --> 00:27:24,400
because studies
have repeatedly shown

493
00:27:24,476 --> 00:27:27,968
that having high self-esteem
does not improve grades,

494
00:27:28,046 --> 00:27:30,173
does not improve
career achievement.

495
00:27:30,249 --> 00:27:32,513
It does not even lower
the use of alcohol.

496
00:27:32,584 --> 00:27:36,543
And it most certainly does not reduce
the incidence of violence of any sort

497
00:27:36,622 --> 00:27:40,183
because as it turns out,
extremely aggressive, violent people

498
00:27:40,259 --> 00:27:42,454
think very highly of themselves.

499
00:27:44,830 --> 00:27:50,132
Imagine that, sociopath's
have high self-esteem.

500
00:27:50,202 --> 00:27:52,261
Who woulda thunk, huh?

501
00:27:52,337 --> 00:27:53,668
I love when this kind
of thing happens.

502
00:27:53,739 --> 00:27:56,622
I love when these
politically correct ideas

503
00:27:56,623 --> 00:27:59,439
crash and burn and wind
up in the shithouse.

504
00:27:59,511 --> 00:28:02,378
Here's another one
that bit the dust.

505
00:28:02,447 --> 00:28:06,178
This practice of playing Mozart
during pregnancy

506
00:28:06,251 --> 00:28:08,583
so the fetus can hear it.

507
00:28:08,654 --> 00:28:10,918
It was supposed to
increase intelligence.

508
00:28:10,989 --> 00:28:12,980
It didn't work. It didn't work.

509
00:28:13,058 --> 00:28:15,288
All it did was
sell a lot of CDs

510
00:28:15,360 --> 00:28:17,920
and piss off
a whole lot of fetuses.

511
00:28:21,066 --> 00:28:25,526
The self-esteem movement
revolved around a single notion

512
00:28:25,604 --> 00:28:31,668
- the idea, the single idea
that every child is special.

513
00:28:31,743 --> 00:28:34,610
Boy, they said it over
and over and over,

514
00:28:34,680 --> 00:28:36,807
as if to convince themselves.

515
00:28:36,882 --> 00:28:39,976
Every child is special.

516
00:28:40,052 --> 00:28:44,819
And I kept saying fuck you.

517
00:28:46,792 --> 00:28:52,753
Every child is
clearly not special.

518
00:28:52,831 --> 00:28:54,696
Did you ever look
at one of them?

519
00:28:54,766 --> 00:28:58,395
Did you ever take a good close
look at one of these fucking kids?

520
00:28:58,470 --> 00:29:00,438
They're goofy.

521
00:29:00,505 --> 00:29:03,235
They're fucking goofy looking.

522
00:29:03,308 --> 00:29:06,471
They're too small -
they're way too fucking small.

523
00:29:06,545 --> 00:29:08,775
They're mal proportioned. Their
heads don't fit their bodies;

524
00:29:08,847 --> 00:29:10,405
their arms are too
weird and everything.

525
00:29:10,482 --> 00:29:13,315
They can't walk across the
room in a straight line.

526
00:29:13,385 --> 00:29:17,685
And when they talk they talk
like they got a mouthful of shit.

527
00:29:17,756 --> 00:29:19,883
They're incomplete.

528
00:29:19,958 --> 00:29:22,791
Incomplete, unfinished work.

529
00:29:22,861 --> 00:29:26,228
I never give credit
for incomplete work.

530
00:29:26,298 --> 00:29:30,166
Now, PT Barnum
might think they're special,

531
00:29:30,235 --> 00:29:33,398
but not me. I have standards.

532
00:29:33,472 --> 00:29:36,532
But let's say it's true. Let's grab this.
I'm in a generous mood.

533
00:29:36,608 --> 00:29:38,337
Let's grant this proposition.

534
00:29:38,410 --> 00:29:43,507
Let's say it's true and somehow
all - every child is special.

535
00:29:43,582 --> 00:29:45,516
What about every adult?

536
00:29:45,584 --> 00:29:48,075
Isn't ever adult special too?

537
00:29:48,153 --> 00:29:53,386
And if not, if not then
at what age do you go

538
00:29:53,458 --> 00:29:56,393
from being special

539
00:29:56,461 --> 00:29:59,555
to being not-so-special?

540
00:29:59,631 --> 00:30:02,361
And if every adult is special
then it means we're all special,

541
00:30:02,434 --> 00:30:05,460
and the whole idea loses
all of its fucking meaning.

542
00:30:06,605 --> 00:30:09,472
Here's another platitude
they jam down our throat:

543
00:30:09,541 --> 00:30:12,567
children are our future.

544
00:30:12,644 --> 00:30:15,112
Children are not our future,

545
00:30:15,180 --> 00:30:19,480
and I can prove it
with my usual flawless logic.

546
00:30:27,260 --> 00:30:30,525
Children can't be our
future because

547
00:30:30,596 --> 00:30:34,054
by the time the future arrives
they won't be children anymore,

548
00:30:34,133 --> 00:30:36,727
so blow me.

549
00:30:37,837 --> 00:30:39,031
Yes.

550
00:30:39,839 --> 00:30:44,003
As you may have noticed I always like
to present a carefully reasoned argument.

551
00:30:45,211 --> 00:30:48,271
Raising a child
is not difficult.

552
00:30:48,348 --> 00:30:52,148
They try to make it into this
mysterious, difficult task.

553
00:30:52,218 --> 00:30:53,276
Nothing to it.

554
00:30:53,353 --> 00:30:55,446
Easiest thing in the world
to raise a kid

555
00:30:55,521 --> 00:30:57,819
if you follow the steps.

556
00:30:57,890 --> 00:30:58,948
First step,

557
00:30:59,025 --> 00:31:02,756
you take the kid and you put it
out on the street corner,

558
00:31:02,829 --> 00:31:05,127
and you leave him there.

559
00:31:05,198 --> 00:31:07,428
You come back a week later.

560
00:31:07,500 --> 00:31:09,127
If the kid is still there

561
00:31:09,202 --> 00:31:11,796
you've got yourself
a stupid fucking kid.

562
00:31:19,645 --> 00:31:23,411
Then you just proceed
from that point.

563
00:31:23,483 --> 00:31:24,780
It's all bullshit, folks.

564
00:31:24,851 --> 00:31:26,978
It's all bullshit,
and it's bad for you.

565
00:31:28,054 --> 00:31:31,182
Now, you wouldn't know it

566
00:31:31,257 --> 00:31:34,818
from some of the things
I've said over the years,

567
00:31:34,894 --> 00:31:36,987
but I like people.

568
00:31:40,867 --> 00:31:42,562
I do.

569
00:31:42,635 --> 00:31:47,402
I like people, but I like
them in short bursts.

570
00:31:47,473 --> 00:31:51,307
I don't like people for
extended periods of time.

571
00:31:51,377 --> 00:31:53,777
I'm all right with them
for a little while,

572
00:31:53,846 --> 00:31:59,409
but once you get up past a
minute, minute and a half,

573
00:31:59,485 --> 00:32:00,952
I've got to get the
fuck out of there.

574
00:32:02,422 --> 00:32:07,485
And my reason for this, my reason is
for one that you may share possibly.

575
00:32:07,560 --> 00:32:11,690
I have a very low tolerance
level for stupid bullshit.

576
00:32:11,764 --> 00:32:14,597
That's all. Stupid bullshit.

577
00:32:16,035 --> 00:32:17,195
You know.

578
00:32:20,239 --> 00:32:24,767
And everyone wants to tell
you their stupid bullshit,

579
00:32:24,844 --> 00:32:28,075
and a lot of them don't know when to
stop talking. You ever run into that guy?

580
00:32:28,147 --> 00:32:29,171
Doesn't know when
to stop talking,

581
00:32:29,248 --> 00:32:33,776
just continues running at the
mouth like verbal diarrhea.

582
00:32:33,853 --> 00:32:35,445
Don't know when the
conversation is over.

583
00:32:35,521 --> 00:32:38,319
Stupid, trivial shit you
don't care anything about,

584
00:32:38,391 --> 00:32:41,849
things you're not even
remotely interested in.

585
00:32:41,928 --> 00:32:44,158
"Did I tell you
about my mom and dad?

586
00:32:44,230 --> 00:32:49,167
Well, my mom and dad went on vacation
down to Mammoth Cave, Kentucky.

587
00:32:49,235 --> 00:32:53,535
This is about six
years ago, I think.

588
00:32:53,606 --> 00:32:55,870
It seemed like it was
six, about six years ago.

589
00:32:55,942 --> 00:32:59,503
Six or seven - possibly seven.
Could be.

590
00:32:59,579 --> 00:33:04,573
Somewhere in there, six seven.
More than six; less than seven.

591
00:33:04,650 --> 00:33:07,118
Let's call it six and a half.

592
00:33:07,186 --> 00:33:10,519
So my mom and dad went on
vacation to Mammoth Cave, Kentucky,

593
00:33:10,590 --> 00:33:12,615
and my dad
found a big rock.

594
00:33:12,692 --> 00:33:17,527
What he thought was a big rock
turns out it was a dinosaur turd,

595
00:33:17,597 --> 00:33:23,092
a petrified
dinosaur turd, 27 pounder.

596
00:33:23,169 --> 00:33:25,535
You know, now that
I think of it,

597
00:33:25,605 --> 00:33:28,733
it might have been
eight years ago.

598
00:33:28,808 --> 00:33:31,675
That would have been
close to Y2K, wouldn't it?

599
00:33:31,744 --> 00:33:33,541
Remember Y2K?

600
00:33:33,613 --> 00:33:35,274
Whatever happened?

601
00:33:35,348 --> 00:33:38,283
Everybody's all worried about that.
Nothing ever happened.

602
00:33:38,351 --> 00:33:41,912
Ha, ha, ha, big fuss.
Nothing every happened.

603
00:33:41,988 --> 00:33:43,421
You know? God.

604
00:33:43,489 --> 00:33:45,218
That was strange, you know."

605
00:33:45,892 --> 00:33:48,520
"So let's say -
we'll say it's eight years.

606
00:33:48,594 --> 00:33:52,792
It was either eight or five.

607
00:33:52,865 --> 00:33:54,856
So my dad gave my
mom this big turd.

608
00:33:54,934 --> 00:33:57,061
He says, 'Here, Mom.
This is a big dinosaur turd.

609
00:33:57,136 --> 00:33:59,627
Put it in your purse
to take that home.'

610
00:33:59,705 --> 00:34:02,799
My mom said, 'Dad, I don't
think this is a dinosaur turd.

611
00:34:02,875 --> 00:34:06,106
This thing is still warm.

612
00:34:06,178 --> 00:34:09,545
Whoever dropped this thing is
still walking around in here,

613
00:34:09,615 --> 00:34:12,379
and we'd better get the
fuck out of this cave.'

614
00:34:16,689 --> 00:34:19,522
Nine years ago.

615
00:34:19,592 --> 00:34:20,752
Nine.

616
00:34:20,826 --> 00:34:24,887
I know it was nine because my wife
was pregnant with our first boy,

617
00:34:24,964 --> 00:34:28,661
Mach Moody Benel Sayid
Ben Salem,

618
00:34:28,734 --> 00:34:30,827
and he's ten now.

619
00:34:34,974 --> 00:34:37,909
Or is he? He's 11.
Maybe he's 11.

620
00:34:37,977 --> 00:34:40,912
He's either 11 or 5."

621
00:34:40,980 --> 00:34:43,710
And while all of this is going on
you're searching through your mind

622
00:34:43,783 --> 00:34:46,547
for something graceful and
diplomatic you can say

623
00:34:46,619 --> 00:34:48,553
to bring the conversation
to a close,

624
00:34:48,621 --> 00:34:51,146
and all I can ever come up with
is shut the fuck up.

625
00:34:51,223 --> 00:34:53,851
Shut the fuck up.
Shut the fuck up.

626
00:34:53,926 --> 00:34:56,121
Shut the fuck up.

627
00:35:04,770 --> 00:35:08,035
But you can't say that.
Good manners don't permit it.

628
00:35:08,107 --> 00:35:12,009
You have to find another way,
and I go to body language.

629
00:35:12,078 --> 00:35:15,673
I try to use my body language to
show that the conversation is over.

630
00:35:15,748 --> 00:35:19,912
I find myself leaning
at a 45-degree angle

631
00:35:19,986 --> 00:35:23,683
trying to indicate the direction
that I'd like to go

632
00:35:23,756 --> 00:35:27,123
if this person
would just shut the fuck up.

633
00:35:27,193 --> 00:35:29,093
And then I might even
give him a verbal cue.

634
00:35:29,161 --> 00:35:31,186
"Surgery. Surgery.

635
00:35:31,263 --> 00:35:33,493
I'm late for surgery.

636
00:35:33,566 --> 00:35:37,559
I'm having my ears sewn shut."

637
00:35:39,438 --> 00:35:40,598
You know.

638
00:35:41,307 --> 00:35:43,332
Yeah.

639
00:35:43,409 --> 00:35:44,876
Same people on the phone.

640
00:35:44,944 --> 00:35:47,208
Same people on the phone -
don't know when to hang up.

641
00:35:47,279 --> 00:35:49,076
Don't know when the
conversation is over.

642
00:35:49,148 --> 00:35:50,638
Dumb, trivial shit.

643
00:35:50,716 --> 00:35:52,274
Dumb questions.

644
00:35:52,351 --> 00:35:56,549
"So what are you guys gonna
do five summers from now?

645
00:35:56,622 --> 00:35:59,284
We haven't made any plans.
Marge wants to go to the beach.

646
00:35:59,358 --> 00:36:00,825
The kids kind of
like it at the lake,

647
00:36:00,893 --> 00:36:02,588
and I want to go
to the mountains.

648
00:36:02,662 --> 00:36:07,099
Grandma wants to visit her
sister in Frog Balls, Arkansas.

649
00:36:07,166 --> 00:36:08,963
How about you, have
you made any plans?

650
00:36:09,035 --> 00:36:10,969
It's never too
early to make plans.

651
00:36:11,037 --> 00:36:14,996
We're going to Norway in 2025.

652
00:36:15,074 --> 00:36:17,260
Did you know up until the 1950's,

653
00:36:17,261 --> 00:36:20,307
Norway's economy was
based largely on fishing,

654
00:36:20,379 --> 00:36:22,472
but now, thanks to improved
drilling techniques

655
00:36:22,548 --> 00:36:24,106
and the expansion
of the global economy."

656
00:36:24,183 --> 00:36:29,416
Once again, searching through your
mind for something gentle you can say.

657
00:36:29,488 --> 00:36:32,252
"Blow it out your ass,"
comes to mind.

658
00:36:32,324 --> 00:36:35,316
Or shut your fucking pie-hole.

659
00:36:35,394 --> 00:36:40,161
Or if your friend prefers cake,
shut your fucking cake-hole.

660
00:36:40,232 --> 00:36:42,530
But you can't say these things,

661
00:36:42,601 --> 00:36:45,536
and you can't use body language
on the phone.

662
00:36:45,604 --> 00:36:48,471
Well, you could always
amuse yourself, you know.

663
00:36:57,414 --> 00:37:00,263
Or if it's your mother you
show your mother respect;

664
00:37:00,264 --> 00:37:01,714
you put her on speakerphone.

665
00:37:11,595 --> 00:37:13,460
But that doesn't move
the conversation along.

666
00:37:13,530 --> 00:37:15,054
You have to find another trick.

667
00:37:15,132 --> 00:37:17,600
And I go to tone of voice.

668
00:37:17,668 --> 00:37:21,035
Did you ever use your tone of voice to
try to talk them into a soft landing?

669
00:37:21,105 --> 00:37:23,369
You try to coax the
person toward the end.

670
00:37:23,440 --> 00:37:24,771
"Right. Good.

671
00:37:24,842 --> 00:37:26,400
Okay. Good.

672
00:37:26,477 --> 00:37:27,466
All right then.

673
00:37:27,544 --> 00:37:29,136
Good. Great. Okay.

674
00:37:29,213 --> 00:37:30,271
Good. Okay.

675
00:37:30,347 --> 00:37:30,932
All right.

676
00:37:30,933 --> 00:37:33,680
"Oh, fuck, there he goes again.
That cocksucker.

677
00:37:36,019 --> 00:37:39,819
"You remember my neighbor with the
burns on 90 percent of her body?

678
00:37:39,890 --> 00:37:43,621
Well, she burned the
other 10 percent now.

679
00:37:43,694 --> 00:37:47,221
She was lighting a fart,
and her bush caught fire."

680
00:37:55,606 --> 00:37:58,507
"Listen, Reverend."

681
00:38:01,912 --> 00:38:04,380
"Reverend, I hate to be rude,

682
00:38:04,448 --> 00:38:08,578
but I just took a three
and a half hour shit,

683
00:38:08,652 --> 00:38:12,452
and I'm bleeding
from the asshole.

684
00:38:12,523 --> 00:38:16,220
Well, I don't have
any mercurochrome.

685
00:38:16,293 --> 00:38:19,729
Yes. Yeah, I'll put a Snoopy
band-aid on it. Thank you.

686
00:38:19,797 --> 00:38:22,732
You do that for me. Yes,
say a prayer for my asshole.

687
00:38:22,800 --> 00:38:24,358
Thank you very much."

688
00:38:24,768 --> 00:38:26,599
You have to resort
to these tactics

689
00:38:26,670 --> 00:38:30,606
because many people do not
understand what a phone call should be

690
00:38:30,674 --> 00:38:32,198
or what a phone call is.

691
00:38:32,276 --> 00:38:34,938
Ideally, a phone call is

692
00:38:35,012 --> 00:38:38,846
the brief exchange of a few
vital pieces of information.

693
00:38:38,916 --> 00:38:40,440
This is a phone call.

694
00:38:40,517 --> 00:38:44,749
"Hey, Steve, what time's the
circle jerk start tonight?

695
00:38:44,822 --> 00:38:47,154
Ten o'clock. Okay. Listen, I'm
going to be a little bit late.

696
00:38:47,224 --> 00:38:49,454
You'll have to start without me.

697
00:38:49,526 --> 00:38:50,652
Oh, don't worry. I'll catch up.

698
00:38:50,727 --> 00:38:54,720
I'm eating a whole bunch of
oysters and watching a horny movie.

699
00:38:54,798 --> 00:38:58,529
It's called
Tarzan Fucks a Zebra.

700
00:38:58,602 --> 00:39:00,365
Russell Crowe.

701
00:39:03,507 --> 00:39:08,809
Well, it's kind of a fantasy. Right now
Renee Zellweger is blowing a unicorn."

702
00:39:08,879 --> 00:39:11,211
That's a phone call.

703
00:39:11,281 --> 00:39:13,579
It should not be a
two and a half hour harangue

704
00:39:13,650 --> 00:39:18,144
of your third cousin describing
her mailman's liposuction.

705
00:39:18,222 --> 00:39:21,191
God, people are fucking boring.

706
00:39:21,258 --> 00:39:24,159
People are just fucking boring.

707
00:39:24,361 --> 00:39:26,829
You know what would be
great for a guy like me?

708
00:39:26,897 --> 00:39:29,991
Just to be in a coma.

709
00:39:30,067 --> 00:39:31,056
Huh?

710
00:39:31,134 --> 00:39:32,999
Wouldn't that be great?
Nothing to do all day.

711
00:39:33,070 --> 00:39:36,369
You just crap out and breathe
through a fucking tube.

712
00:39:36,440 --> 00:39:39,170
They feed you through a tube.
There's nothing to do.

713
00:39:39,243 --> 00:39:42,610
Whoa, you talk about being a
couch potato, that's it man.

714
00:39:42,679 --> 00:39:44,442
No phone calls coming in.

715
00:39:44,514 --> 00:39:47,278
Nobody dropping by unexpectedly.

716
00:39:47,351 --> 00:39:50,878
And if they do drop by you're
completely unaware of it

717
00:39:50,954 --> 00:39:52,854
because you're in
a fucking coma,

718
00:39:52,923 --> 00:39:55,187
and you're practically
clinically dead.

719
00:39:55,259 --> 00:39:58,160
And you don't have to
listen to their stupid shit.

720
00:39:58,228 --> 00:40:01,925
Their stupid shit like about
their new ride-around lawnmower

721
00:40:01,999 --> 00:40:07,130
with the two-tone horn and the GPS
in case they get lost on the lawn.

722
00:40:10,207 --> 00:40:14,803
And their boss and their job
and their car and their kids.

723
00:40:15,412 --> 00:40:19,075
Jesus fucking Christ,

724
00:40:19,149 --> 00:40:20,309
their kids.

725
00:40:20,384 --> 00:40:23,148
Folks, folks, nothing worse.

726
00:40:23,220 --> 00:40:26,553
Nothing worse
than to be stuck somewhere

727
00:40:26,623 --> 00:40:29,183
with some married asshole

728
00:40:29,259 --> 00:40:32,786
and have to listen to him
tell you about his fucking kids.

729
00:40:32,863 --> 00:40:35,331
Let me tell you
something, folks.

730
00:40:35,399 --> 00:40:38,425
Nobody cares about
your children, okay?

731
00:40:38,502 --> 00:40:40,732
No. We don't care.

732
00:40:40,804 --> 00:40:42,567
We don't care.

733
00:40:46,677 --> 00:40:50,579
Nobody cares about your children.
I speak for everyone.

734
00:40:50,647 --> 00:40:53,081
I've been appointed by the rest
of the group to inform you

735
00:40:53,150 --> 00:40:55,516
we don't care
about your children.

736
00:40:55,585 --> 00:40:59,316
That's why they're your children

737
00:40:59,389 --> 00:41:02,688
so you can care about them,
and we don't have to bother.

738
00:41:02,759 --> 00:41:04,249
But they tell you anyway.

739
00:41:04,328 --> 00:41:07,195
"Todd is in the
seventh grade now.

740
00:41:07,264 --> 00:41:11,564
He's in the cheese club.

741
00:41:11,635 --> 00:41:18,973
Jaselle is 5 and already
she's had nine periods.

742
00:41:19,042 --> 00:41:22,173
Johan is 11,
and he pretty much sits

743
00:41:22,174 --> 00:41:25,811
around the house hallucinating all the time."

744
00:41:27,351 --> 00:41:29,649
Then they want to
show you the pictures.

745
00:41:29,720 --> 00:41:31,381
Here's another ordeal,

746
00:41:31,455 --> 00:41:36,415
the pictures of these
little gargoyles

747
00:41:36,493 --> 00:41:41,931
that they have
loosed from their loins.

748
00:41:41,999 --> 00:41:44,524
A lot of these
professional mommies,

749
00:41:44,601 --> 00:41:47,434
boy, they think there's nothing
better than having a baby.

750
00:41:47,504 --> 00:41:49,472
Oh, they think it's the
biggest thing in the world

751
00:41:49,539 --> 00:41:52,440
like it's a big event
having a baby.

752
00:41:52,509 --> 00:41:56,377
I call it pumping out a unit.

753
00:41:56,446 --> 00:41:58,277
That's all they're doing.

754
00:41:58,348 --> 00:42:00,748
That's all they're doing.
Pumping out a fucking unit.

755
00:42:00,817 --> 00:42:02,114
Ba-boom.

756
00:42:03,020 --> 00:42:05,250
Ba-boom.

757
00:42:05,322 --> 00:42:08,485
Like some of them like
assembly lines like a factory.

758
00:42:08,558 --> 00:42:09,456
Ba-ba-boom.

759
00:42:09,526 --> 00:42:10,493
Every fucking year,

760
00:42:10,560 --> 00:42:11,891
ba-ba-boom.

761
00:42:11,962 --> 00:42:13,122
"Hey, Jeff, want a kid?"

762
00:42:13,196 --> 00:42:15,460
Ba-ba-boom.

763
00:42:15,532 --> 00:42:16,226
"How about twins?"

764
00:42:16,299 --> 00:42:18,995
Ba-ba-boom, ba-ba-boom.

765
00:42:19,069 --> 00:42:22,095
Polluting the earth.

766
00:42:22,172 --> 00:42:26,074
Polluting the earth
with these creatures

767
00:42:26,143 --> 00:42:28,543
who have no future.

768
00:42:28,612 --> 00:42:30,671
They have no future.

769
00:42:30,747 --> 00:42:34,808
Have you pictured what this planet
is going to be like in 40 to 50 years?

770
00:42:34,885 --> 00:42:40,084
It's going to be
a big smoking ball of shit,

771
00:42:40,157 --> 00:42:45,720
a big, smoking, flaming,
stinking ball of gaseous shit.

772
00:42:45,796 --> 00:42:47,354
That's what's gonna happen.

773
00:42:47,564 --> 00:42:50,124
That's what's gonna happen.

774
00:42:50,200 --> 00:42:52,532
It's irresponsible to
have more than one child.

775
00:42:52,602 --> 00:42:53,626
Have one.

776
00:42:53,703 --> 00:42:57,264
Have one child, replacement
value for yourself, that's all.

777
00:42:57,340 --> 00:43:00,434
Don't even replace your husband.

778
00:43:00,510 --> 00:43:02,205
Don't replace your husband.

779
00:43:02,279 --> 00:43:03,177
No.

780
00:43:05,515 --> 00:43:07,949
He's done enough
fucking damage as it is.

781
00:43:09,486 --> 00:43:11,977
But they want to show
you the pictures.

782
00:43:12,055 --> 00:43:14,114
Sometimes they warn you,
you know. That's good.

783
00:43:14,191 --> 00:43:16,182
They say, "Hey, you want to
see some pictures of my kid?"

784
00:43:16,259 --> 00:43:18,227
No,

785
00:43:18,295 --> 00:43:21,093
just describe them to me.

786
00:43:21,164 --> 00:43:25,123
But they show you, and there are two
ways you can handle it, I have found.

787
00:43:25,202 --> 00:43:27,534
Two ways to handle the pictures.

788
00:43:27,604 --> 00:43:29,299
The first is the easy way.

789
00:43:29,372 --> 00:43:31,363
You just kind of take
it all in stride,

790
00:43:31,441 --> 00:43:33,568
you matter-of-factly go
along with the game.

791
00:43:33,643 --> 00:43:36,544
"Oh, uh-huh, boy.

792
00:43:36,613 --> 00:43:38,171
Girl. Yeah.

793
00:43:38,248 --> 00:43:40,113
Older boy.

794
00:43:40,183 --> 00:43:42,447
Older girl. Good. Four.

795
00:43:42,519 --> 00:43:46,717
Listen, I have to go wash my
crotch. I'll see you later."

796
00:43:46,790 --> 00:43:48,815
Then you get the
fuck out of there.

797
00:43:49,993 --> 00:43:52,291
Or you can do what I do -

798
00:43:52,362 --> 00:43:58,164
you can do what I do, be a
little honest about what you see.

799
00:43:59,603 --> 00:44:01,867
Take a chance.

800
00:44:01,938 --> 00:44:03,872
Tell the truth.

801
00:44:09,212 --> 00:44:12,010
"Look at the fucking
head on that kid."

802
00:44:16,119 --> 00:44:18,917
"Geez, where did he
get a fucking head like that?

803
00:44:18,989 --> 00:44:21,480
That thing is huge.

804
00:44:21,558 --> 00:44:25,358
Have you put him on YouTube yet?

805
00:44:25,428 --> 00:44:28,056
Boy, you get a lot of hits
with a head like that.

806
00:44:28,131 --> 00:44:31,123
Or put him on eBay. You might
make a little money, you know.

807
00:44:31,201 --> 00:44:35,831
I'm sure some European circus would
snap his ass up in a fucking minute, boy.

808
00:44:35,906 --> 00:44:39,808
Goddamn that thing is unusual.

809
00:44:39,876 --> 00:44:42,902
Listen, maybe he'll grow into it.
You never know with kids, huh.

810
00:44:42,979 --> 00:44:45,106
Hey, let me ask you
a practical question.

811
00:44:45,182 --> 00:44:49,482
Where do you find hats
for a kid like that?"

812
00:44:49,553 --> 00:44:52,454
Tell the truth.
Don't be bullshitting people.

813
00:44:52,522 --> 00:44:55,923
Don't be bullshitting. There's
enough bullshit as it is, folks.

814
00:44:55,992 --> 00:44:57,357
There's plenty of bullshit.

815
00:44:57,427 --> 00:45:00,988
Then they want to show you the
pictures of the little girl

816
00:45:01,064 --> 00:45:03,396
whose second teeth
are coming in,

817
00:45:03,466 --> 00:45:05,661
and they think it's cute.

818
00:45:05,735 --> 00:45:07,464
It's not.

819
00:45:07,537 --> 00:45:11,871
It's fucking horrifying.

820
00:45:11,942 --> 00:45:14,433
Did you ever look at the teeth
coming in on some of these kids?

821
00:45:14,511 --> 00:45:17,776
Did you ever take a good, close
look at actually in the mouth?

822
00:45:17,847 --> 00:45:19,974
Take a look and see different -
damn, sometimes they got

823
00:45:20,050 --> 00:45:23,281
two, three rows of fucking
teeth coming in there.

824
00:45:23,353 --> 00:45:24,377
All odd angles.

825
00:45:24,454 --> 00:45:27,651
There's one under the tongue.
That's unusual. Look at that.

826
00:45:27,724 --> 00:45:30,955
A sublingual tooth.
What do you know.

827
00:45:33,027 --> 00:45:35,587
Once again, tell the truth.

828
00:45:35,663 --> 00:45:39,030
"You better start saving
your money right now, pal.

829
00:45:39,100 --> 00:45:42,627
It's gonna cost you a
fucking fortune to fix that.

830
00:45:42,704 --> 00:45:47,641
You're gonna need an international
team of orthodontists around the clock

831
00:45:47,709 --> 00:45:48,641
just to make a dent.

832
00:45:48,710 --> 00:45:50,128
You might want to call FEMA.

833
00:45:50,129 --> 00:45:52,407
That looks like a real
fucking problem to me.

834
00:45:52,480 --> 00:45:53,572
Look at that.

835
00:45:53,648 --> 00:45:55,149
You have the number
to the National Guard?

836
00:45:55,150 --> 00:45:55,707
Give them a ring.

837
00:45:55,783 --> 00:45:56,750
That's good.

838
00:45:56,818 --> 00:45:59,460
Listen, why don't you
just have them all pulled

839
00:45:59,461 --> 00:46:01,551
and let her start
over again, you know?

840
00:46:01,623 --> 00:46:04,183
Or take a picture of her
with her mouth closed.

841
00:46:04,259 --> 00:46:06,750
That would save you a lot of
heartache in the long run.

842
00:46:06,828 --> 00:46:09,023
Listen, you're not Catholic
by any chance, are you?

843
00:46:09,097 --> 00:46:10,029
Well, the reason I ask is

844
00:46:10,098 --> 00:46:13,431
you might want to take her to Lewards
and pray for a miracle over there."

845
00:46:14,535 --> 00:46:17,698
Tell the truth.
Don't be bullshitting people.

846
00:46:17,772 --> 00:46:20,570
Like I say, there's
enough bullshit as it is.

847
00:46:22,010 --> 00:46:23,238
There's enough
bullshit as it is.

848
00:46:23,311 --> 00:46:26,542
In fact, there's just
enough, did you know that?

849
00:46:26,614 --> 00:46:32,109
There's just enough bullshit to
hold things together in this country.

850
00:46:32,186 --> 00:46:37,214
Bullshit is the glue that
binds us as a nation.

851
00:46:37,292 --> 00:46:41,058
Where would we be without
our safe, familiar,

852
00:46:41,129 --> 00:46:43,427
American bullshit.

853
00:46:43,498 --> 00:46:45,125
Land of the free.
Home of the brave.

854
00:46:45,199 --> 00:46:46,632
The American dream.

855
00:46:46,701 --> 00:46:48,532
All men are equal.
Justice is blind.

856
00:46:48,603 --> 00:46:49,934
The press is free.

857
00:46:50,004 --> 00:46:51,995
Your vote counts.

858
00:46:53,875 --> 00:46:55,001
Business is honest.

859
00:46:55,076 --> 00:46:57,044
The good guys win.

860
00:46:57,111 --> 00:47:00,103
The police are on your side.

861
00:47:00,181 --> 00:47:01,978
God is watching you.

862
00:47:02,050 --> 00:47:06,180
Your standard of living
will never decline.

863
00:47:06,254 --> 00:47:09,223
And everything is
gonna be just fine.

864
00:47:09,290 --> 00:47:11,850
The official national
bullshit story.

865
00:47:11,926 --> 00:47:14,451
I call it the
American okie-doke.

866
00:47:14,962 --> 00:47:19,456
Every one, every one of those items is
provably untrue at one level or another,

867
00:47:19,534 --> 00:47:20,558
but we believe them

868
00:47:20,635 --> 00:47:23,069
because they're pounded into our
heads from the time we're children.

869
00:47:23,137 --> 00:47:24,695
That's what they do
with that kind of thing,

870
00:47:24,772 --> 00:47:25,895
pound it into the heads of kids

871
00:47:25,896 --> 00:47:27,707
because they know that
children are much too young

872
00:47:27,775 --> 00:47:29,800
to be able to
muster an intellectual defense

873
00:47:29,877 --> 00:47:31,811
against a sophisticated
idea like that.

874
00:47:31,879 --> 00:47:33,608
And they know that
up to a certain age

875
00:47:33,681 --> 00:47:36,377
children believe everything
their parents tell them,

876
00:47:36,451 --> 00:47:38,942
and as a result, they never
learn to question things.

877
00:47:39,020 --> 00:47:40,920
Nobody questions things
in this country anymore.

878
00:47:43,458 --> 00:47:45,760
Why?
people are way to fat and happy

879
00:47:45,830 --> 00:47:48,000
People are way too fucking
prosperous for their own good,

880
00:47:48,010 --> 00:47:51,000
Everybody has got a cell phone that'll
make pancakes and rub their balls now.

881
00:47:55,299 --> 00:47:57,799
nobody wants to rock the boat.

882
00:47:59,667 --> 00:48:01,068
Americans have been silenced

883
00:48:02,000 --> 00:48:04,500
bought off and silenced
by gizmos and toys

884
00:48:04,572 --> 00:48:07,033
and as a result no one's ever learned
to question things

885
00:48:12,844 --> 00:48:15,506
Now, okay.

886
00:48:15,580 --> 00:48:17,013
You remember Barbara Bush?

887
00:48:17,081 --> 00:48:19,777
I call her the silver douche bag.
You remember her?

888
00:48:22,653 --> 00:48:25,918
Barbara Bush. She is the mother
of Governor George Bush.

889
00:48:25,990 --> 00:48:29,050
I call him Governor Bush because
that's the only elected office

890
00:48:29,127 --> 00:48:31,687
he ever held legally
in our country, okay.

891
00:48:31,763 --> 00:48:33,594
George Bush, Governor Bush.

892
00:48:40,004 --> 00:48:42,029
I don't care where
they hang his portrait.

893
00:48:42,106 --> 00:48:46,600
I don't care how big his library is.
He'll always be Governor Bush.

894
00:48:46,677 --> 00:48:51,512
I don't even capitalize his
name when I type it anymore.

895
00:48:51,582 --> 00:48:53,413
So she's the mother
of Governor George Bush.

896
00:48:53,484 --> 00:48:56,715
She's also the wife of
his father, George H. W. Bush

897
00:48:56,788 --> 00:48:59,780
who did become president in the
normal, legal, traditional manner.

898
00:48:59,857 --> 00:49:03,759
And when he did, she came along
for the ride as first lady,

899
00:49:03,828 --> 00:49:05,557
and that's been the
tradition up 'til now.

900
00:49:05,630 --> 00:49:06,993
A man has been elected and

901
00:49:06,994 --> 00:49:09,930
the woman has come along for
the ride as the first lady.

902
00:49:10,001 --> 00:49:12,629
And usually, as in
American life in general,

903
00:49:12,703 --> 00:49:15,763
the woman is condescended to,
patronized,

904
00:49:15,840 --> 00:49:18,104
given something to
do to keep her busy.

905
00:49:18,176 --> 00:49:21,339
A lot of times they give her a charity
or a cause, something she can champion.

906
00:49:21,412 --> 00:49:25,075
Betty Ford was told to drink.
Remember that?

907
00:49:25,149 --> 00:49:28,641
Yeah, that was
Betty Ford's assignment.

908
00:49:28,719 --> 00:49:33,418
"Betty, you get drunk and get totally falling
down, fucked-up, shit-faced drunk, okay?

909
00:49:33,491 --> 00:49:37,086
You just get fucked up drunk,
and we'll hose you down, baby.

910
00:49:37,161 --> 00:49:38,355
We'll hose you down.

911
00:49:38,429 --> 00:49:40,363
We'll put you in a
facility, you'll get sober,

912
00:49:40,431 --> 00:49:41,864
and then we'll put your
name on the facility.

913
00:49:41,933 --> 00:49:45,460
Liza Minnelli can get sober, and
everything is going to be okay."

914
00:49:45,536 --> 00:49:47,401
That was her assignment.

915
00:49:47,472 --> 00:49:50,202
Barbara Bush's assignment was

916
00:49:50,274 --> 00:49:52,242
getting children to read.

917
00:49:52,310 --> 00:49:53,140
Remember that?

918
00:49:53,211 --> 00:49:54,769
Getting children to read.

919
00:49:54,846 --> 00:49:59,374
They figured she had
so much success with George

920
00:50:11,829 --> 00:50:14,593
that she would be a natural
to get children to read,

921
00:50:14,665 --> 00:50:16,462
which misses the
point completely.

922
00:50:16,534 --> 00:50:18,297
Not important to get
children to read.

923
00:50:18,369 --> 00:50:19,700
Children who want to
read are gonna read.

924
00:50:19,770 --> 00:50:21,601
Kids who want to learn to
read are gonna learn to read.

925
00:50:21,672 --> 00:50:24,698
Much more important to teach
children to question what they read.

926
00:50:24,775 --> 00:50:26,970
Children should be taught to
question everything.

927
00:50:27,044 --> 00:50:31,242
To question everything they
read, everything they hear.

928
00:50:31,315 --> 00:50:33,340
Children should be taught
to question authority.

929
00:50:33,417 --> 00:50:36,784
Parents never teach their children
to question authority because

930
00:50:36,854 --> 00:50:38,822
parents are authority
figures themselves,

931
00:50:38,890 --> 00:50:41,882
and they don't want to undermine their
own bullshit inside the household.

932
00:50:41,959 --> 00:50:43,722
So they stroke the kid
and the kid strokes them,

933
00:50:43,794 --> 00:50:45,955
and they all stroke each other,
all grow up all fucked up,

934
00:50:46,030 --> 00:50:48,498
and they come to
shows like this.

935
00:50:56,674 --> 00:51:00,940
Kids have to be warned that there's
bullshit coming down the road.

936
00:51:01,012 --> 00:51:02,445
That's the biggest thing
you can do for a kid.

937
00:51:02,513 --> 00:51:04,378
Tell them what life in
this country is about.

938
00:51:04,448 --> 00:51:08,475
It's about a whole lot of bullshit
that needs to be detected and avoided.

939
00:51:08,553 --> 00:51:10,487
That's the best thing you can do.
No one told me.

940
00:51:10,555 --> 00:51:11,954
No one told me a
thing like that.

941
00:51:12,023 --> 00:51:13,388
I was never warned
about any of this.

942
00:51:13,457 --> 00:51:15,220
I had to find all of
it out for myself.

943
00:51:15,293 --> 00:51:17,352
And there are still,
as with you probably,

944
00:51:17,428 --> 00:51:21,626
a lot of things that you're expected
to believe and accept in America

945
00:51:21,699 --> 00:51:24,224
that I personally
have a problem with,

946
00:51:24,302 --> 00:51:25,769
and I question a
lot of these things.

947
00:51:25,836 --> 00:51:26,768
I'll give you an example.

948
00:51:26,837 --> 00:51:30,295
I saw a slogan on a guy's car that
said "Proud to be an American."

949
00:51:30,374 --> 00:51:32,899
And I thought, well, what
the fuck does that mean?

950
00:51:32,977 --> 00:51:34,239
Proud to be an American.

951
00:51:34,312 --> 00:51:36,576
You see, I've never
understood national pride.

952
00:51:36,647 --> 00:51:38,638
I've never understood
ethnic pride.

953
00:51:38,716 --> 00:51:39,722
Because I'm Irish,

954
00:51:39,723 --> 00:51:43,744
and all four of my grandparents were
born in Ireland, so I'm fully Irish.

955
00:51:43,821 --> 00:51:46,585
And when I was a kid I would go
to the St. Patrick's Day parade,

956
00:51:46,657 --> 00:51:50,058
and I noticed they sold a button
that said "Proud to be Irish."

957
00:51:50,127 --> 00:51:52,288
And I could never understand
that because I knew

958
00:51:52,363 --> 00:51:56,561
that on Columbus Day they sold a different
button that said "Proud to be Italian."

959
00:51:56,634 --> 00:51:58,932
Then came black pride
and Puerto Rican pride.

960
00:51:59,003 --> 00:52:01,870
And I could never understand
ethnic or national pride

961
00:52:01,939 --> 00:52:04,237
because to me pride
should be reserved

962
00:52:04,308 --> 00:52:07,641
for something you achieve
or attain on your own,

963
00:52:07,712 --> 00:52:10,510
not something that happens
by accident of birth.

964
00:52:10,581 --> 00:52:12,173
Being Irish -

965
00:52:18,189 --> 00:52:21,852
Being Irish isn't a skill.

966
00:52:21,926 --> 00:52:24,952
It's a fucking genetic accident.

967
00:52:25,029 --> 00:52:27,930
You wouldn't say
"I'm proud to be 5'11".

968
00:52:27,999 --> 00:52:32,459
I'm proud to have a
predisposition for colon cancer.

969
00:52:32,536 --> 00:52:34,367
So why the fuck would you be
proud to be Irish

970
00:52:34,438 --> 00:52:36,531
or proud to be Italian
or American or anything?

971
00:52:36,607 --> 00:52:38,199
Hey, if you're happy
with it, that's fine.

972
00:52:38,275 --> 00:52:41,108
Do that. Put that on your car.
"Happy to be an American."

973
00:52:41,178 --> 00:52:43,874
Be happy. Don't be proud.
Too much pride as it is.

974
00:52:43,948 --> 00:52:45,939
Pride goeth before a fall.

975
00:52:46,017 --> 00:52:47,644
Never forget Proverbs, okay.

976
00:52:47,885 --> 00:52:50,513
Now, here's another slogan -

977
00:52:50,588 --> 00:52:52,613
here's another slogan
you run into all the time.

978
00:52:52,690 --> 00:52:54,248
"God bless America."

979
00:52:54,325 --> 00:52:58,557
Once again, respectfully, I say to
myself, "What the fuck does that mean?"

980
00:52:58,629 --> 00:53:02,190
God bless America.
Is that a request?

981
00:53:02,266 --> 00:53:05,133
Is that a demand?
Is that a suggestion?

982
00:53:05,202 --> 00:53:07,500
Politicians say it
at the end of every speech

983
00:53:07,571 --> 00:53:11,837
as if it were some sort of verbal
tick that they can't get rid of.

984
00:53:11,909 --> 00:53:13,376
"God bless you and
God bless America.

985
00:53:13,444 --> 00:53:15,173
God bless you and
God bless America."

986
00:53:15,246 --> 00:53:17,238
I guess they figure
if they leave it out

987
00:53:17,239 --> 00:53:19,376
someone is gonna think
they're bad Americans.

988
00:53:19,450 --> 00:53:21,645
Let me tell you a little
secret about God, folks.

989
00:53:21,719 --> 00:53:25,155
God doesn't give a
flying fuck about America, okay.

990
00:53:25,222 --> 00:53:26,189
He doesn't care.

991
00:53:26,257 --> 00:53:27,519
He never cared
about this country.

992
00:53:27,591 --> 00:53:29,684
He never has. He never will.

993
00:53:29,760 --> 00:53:31,352
He doesn't care
about this country

994
00:53:31,429 --> 00:53:33,954
any more than
he cares about Mongolia,

995
00:53:34,031 --> 00:53:35,555
Transylvania, Pittsburgh,

996
00:53:35,633 --> 00:53:37,726
the Suez Canal
or the North Pole.

997
00:53:37,802 --> 00:53:39,997
He simply doesn't care, okay.

998
00:53:40,071 --> 00:53:41,561
He doesn't care.

999
00:53:41,639 --> 00:53:43,573
Listen, good.

1000
00:53:43,641 --> 00:53:45,609
There are 200 countries
in the world now.

1001
00:53:45,676 --> 00:53:47,461
Do these people honestly think that

1002
00:53:47,462 --> 00:53:49,908
God is sitting around
picking out his favorites?

1003
00:53:49,980 --> 00:53:53,313
Why would he do that? Why would
God have a favorite country?

1004
00:53:53,384 --> 00:53:56,285
And why would it be America
out of all the countries?

1005
00:53:56,353 --> 00:53:58,253
Because we have the most money?

1006
00:53:58,322 --> 00:54:00,483
Because he likes
our National Anthem?

1007
00:54:00,558 --> 00:54:06,554
Maybe it's because he heard we have 18
delicious flavors of classic Rice-A-Roni.

1008
00:54:07,898 --> 00:54:10,696
It's delusional thinking.
It's delusional thinking,

1009
00:54:10,768 --> 00:54:13,737
and Americans are not alone
with these sort of delusions.

1010
00:54:13,804 --> 00:54:17,069
Military cemeteries around
the world are packed

1011
00:54:17,141 --> 00:54:20,235
with brainwashed, dead soldiers

1012
00:54:20,311 --> 00:54:23,007
who were convinced
God was on their side.

1013
00:54:23,080 --> 00:54:24,945
America prays for God
to destroy our enemies.

1014
00:54:25,015 --> 00:54:26,949
Our enemies pray for
God to destroy us.

1015
00:54:27,017 --> 00:54:29,952
Somebody is gonna
be disappointed.

1016
00:54:30,020 --> 00:54:32,488
Somebody is wasting
their fucking time.

1017
00:54:32,556 --> 00:54:35,787
Could it be everyone?

1018
00:54:35,860 --> 00:54:37,157
Now,

1019
00:54:45,669 --> 00:54:47,762
if people want to say God bless America
that's their business.

1020
00:54:47,838 --> 00:54:49,396
I don't care. But here's what
I don't understand.

1021
00:54:49,473 --> 00:54:52,704
If they say God bless America,
presumably they believe in God,

1022
00:54:52,777 --> 00:54:55,746
and if they do, they must have
heard God loved everyone.

1023
00:54:55,813 --> 00:54:56,551
That's what he said.

1024
00:54:56,552 --> 00:54:58,213
He loved everyone,
and he loved them equally.

1025
00:54:58,282 --> 00:54:59,885
So why would these people ask God

1026
00:54:59,886 --> 00:55:02,412
to do something that went
against his own teachings?

1027
00:55:02,486 --> 00:55:04,579
You know what these God bless
America people ought to do?

1028
00:55:04,655 --> 00:55:07,818
They ought to check with that
Jesus fellow they're so crazy about.

1029
00:55:07,892 --> 00:55:09,723
They're always talking
about what would Jesus do,

1030
00:55:09,794 --> 00:55:10,954
what would Jesus do.

1031
00:55:11,028 --> 00:55:12,393
They don't want to
know so they can do it.

1032
00:55:12,463 --> 00:55:14,931
They just want to know so they
could tell other people to do it.

1033
00:55:14,999 --> 00:55:18,264
Well, I'll tell you what
Jesus would have done.

1034
00:55:21,472 --> 00:55:22,803
I'll tell you what
Jesus would have done.

1035
00:55:22,873 --> 00:55:25,000
He would have got up on the top of
the Empire State Building and said,

1036
00:55:25,075 --> 00:55:28,511
"God bless everyone around the world,
forever and ever, until the end of time."

1037
00:55:28,579 --> 00:55:29,807
That's what Jesus
would have done,

1038
00:55:29,880 --> 00:55:31,370
and that's what these
people should do,

1039
00:55:31,448 --> 00:55:35,009
or else they should admit that
God bless America is really just

1040
00:55:35,085 --> 00:55:38,577
some sort of an empty slogan
with no real meaning

1041
00:55:38,656 --> 00:55:42,319
except for something vague
like good luck.

1042
00:55:42,393 --> 00:55:45,123
Good luck, America.
You're on your own.

1043
00:55:45,196 --> 00:55:47,289
Which is a little bit
closer to the truth.

1044
00:55:47,865 --> 00:55:50,814
Here's a civic custom
that I don't understand.

1045
00:55:50,815 --> 00:55:52,131
Maybe you can help me.

1046
00:55:52,203 --> 00:55:54,967
Taking off your hat
when a flag passes by

1047
00:55:55,039 --> 00:55:58,702
or when some jack-off at the ballpark
starts singing the National Anthem.

1048
00:55:58,776 --> 00:56:00,243
They tell you to
take off the hat.

1049
00:56:00,311 --> 00:56:03,644
What the fuck does a hat have
to do with being patriotic?

1050
00:56:03,714 --> 00:56:07,912
What possible relationship
exists between the uncovered head

1051
00:56:07,985 --> 00:56:10,385
and a feeling that
ought to live in your heart?

1052
00:56:10,454 --> 00:56:12,649
Suppose you have a red,
white and blue hat.

1053
00:56:12,723 --> 00:56:14,816
Suppose you have a hat
made out of a flag.

1054
00:56:14,892 --> 00:56:16,792
Why would you take it
off to honor the flag?

1055
00:56:16,861 --> 00:56:18,761
Wouldn't you leave it on

1056
00:56:18,829 --> 00:56:21,354
and point it toward the flag?

1057
00:56:27,037 --> 00:56:29,699
And what's so bad about hats
that you have to take them off?

1058
00:56:29,773 --> 00:56:33,174
Why not take off your pants

1059
00:56:33,244 --> 00:56:35,337
or your shoes? They tell you
that at the airport.

1060
00:56:35,412 --> 00:56:37,642
They say take off your shoes.

1061
00:56:37,715 --> 00:56:39,376
They tell you it's
national security,

1062
00:56:39,450 --> 00:56:42,476
so taking off your shoes
could be patriotic too.

1063
00:56:42,553 --> 00:56:45,886
I started to question all of this
stupid hat shit when I was a kid.

1064
00:56:45,956 --> 00:56:48,151
When I was a kid
I was a Catholic,

1065
00:56:48,225 --> 00:56:51,558
at least until I reached
the age of reason, okay.

1066
00:56:51,629 --> 00:56:59,058
So I was a Catholic for about two, two
and a half years, something like that.

1067
00:56:59,136 --> 00:57:02,401
And during that time one of
the things they told us was

1068
00:57:02,473 --> 00:57:04,737
that if a boy or a man
went into a church,

1069
00:57:04,808 --> 00:57:08,710
he had to remove his hat in order
to honor the presence of God.

1070
00:57:08,779 --> 00:57:12,112
But they had already told
me that God was everywhere.

1071
00:57:12,182 --> 00:57:15,015
So I used to wonder,
well, if God is everywhere,

1072
00:57:15,085 --> 00:57:17,952
why would you even own a hat?

1073
00:57:18,022 --> 00:57:22,618
Why not show your respect,
don't even buy a fucking hat.

1074
00:57:22,693 --> 00:57:27,858
And just to confuse things further they
told the women exactly the opposite.

1075
00:57:27,932 --> 00:57:32,232
Catholic women and girls had to cover
their heads when they went into church.

1076
00:57:32,303 --> 00:57:33,623
Same as in certain temples.

1077
00:57:33,624 --> 00:57:36,262
Jewish men have to cover
their heads in those temples.

1078
00:57:36,340 --> 00:57:39,366
In those same temples Jewish women
not allowed to cover their heads.

1079
00:57:39,443 --> 00:57:41,377
So try to figure this shit out.

1080
00:57:42,813 --> 00:57:46,044
Catholic men and
Jewish women, no hats.

1081
00:57:46,116 --> 00:57:48,846
Catholic women and
Jewish men, hats.

1082
00:57:48,919 --> 00:57:52,787
Somebody's got the whole thing totally
fucking backward, don't you think?

1083
00:57:55,597 --> 00:58:00,193
And what is this religious
fascination with headgear?

1084
00:58:00,269 --> 00:58:02,931
Every religion has got a
different fucking hat.

1085
00:58:03,005 --> 00:58:04,905
Did you ever notice that?
The Hindus have a turban.

1086
00:58:04,974 --> 00:58:06,771
The Sikhs have a
tall, white turban.

1087
00:58:06,842 --> 00:58:10,039
Jews have yarmulke.
The Muslims have a kufi.

1088
00:58:10,112 --> 00:58:13,240
The Bishop has a pointy hat on one
day and a round hat on another day.

1089
00:58:13,315 --> 00:58:17,012
Cardinal has a red hat, Pope has a white.
Everybody's got a fucking hat.

1090
00:58:17,086 --> 00:58:19,577
One group takes them off;
the other group puts them on.

1091
00:58:19,655 --> 00:58:21,987
Personally, I would never want
to be a member of any group

1092
00:58:22,057 --> 00:58:25,891
where you either have to wear
a hat or you can't wear a hat.

1093
00:58:25,961 --> 00:58:27,258
I think -

1094
00:58:37,106 --> 00:58:40,473
I think all religions should
have one rule and one rule only:

1095
00:58:40,542 --> 00:58:43,409
hats optional.

1096
00:58:43,479 --> 00:58:46,175
That's all you need to run
a really good religion.

1097
00:58:46,982 --> 00:58:49,542
Here's another one of
these civic customs.

1098
00:58:49,618 --> 00:58:51,518
Swearing on the Bible.

1099
00:58:51,587 --> 00:58:53,418
Do you understand that shit?

1100
00:58:53,489 --> 00:58:56,458
They tell you to raise your right hand
and place your left hand on the Bible.

1101
00:58:56,525 --> 00:58:58,993
Does this stuff really
matter which hand?

1102
00:58:59,061 --> 00:59:02,053
Does God really give a fuck
about details like this?

1103
00:59:02,131 --> 00:59:05,066
Suppose you put your right hand on
the Bible and you raise your left hand,

1104
00:59:05,134 --> 00:59:07,034
would that count?

1105
00:59:07,102 --> 00:59:11,562
Or would God say,
"Sorry. Wrong hand. Try again."

1106
00:59:11,640 --> 00:59:16,009
And why does one hand
have to be raised?

1107
00:59:16,078 --> 00:59:19,275
What is the magic
in this gesture?

1108
00:59:19,348 --> 00:59:24,183
This seems like some sort of a
primitive, voodoo, mojo shtick.

1109
00:59:24,253 --> 00:59:25,973
Why not put your
left hand on the Bible

1110
00:59:25,974 --> 00:59:27,950
and let your right hand
hang down by your side?

1111
00:59:28,023 --> 00:59:30,457
It's more natural.
Or put it in your pocket.

1112
00:59:30,526 --> 00:59:31,550
Remember what your
mother used to say?

1113
00:59:31,627 --> 00:59:33,322
Don't put your hands
in your pockets.

1114
00:59:33,395 --> 00:59:35,863
Does she know something
that we don't know?

1115
00:59:35,931 --> 00:59:38,798
Is this hand shit
really important?

1116
00:59:38,867 --> 00:59:40,061
Well, let's get
back to the Bible,

1117
00:59:40,135 --> 00:59:44,868
America's favorite
national theatrical prop.

1118
00:59:44,940 --> 00:59:48,967
Suppose the Bible they hand you
to swear on is upside down

1119
00:59:49,044 --> 00:59:51,410
or backward or both,

1120
00:59:51,480 --> 00:59:55,507
and you swear to tell the truth
an upside down, backward Bible.

1121
00:59:55,584 --> 00:59:57,552
Would that count?

1122
00:59:57,619 --> 01:00:03,216
Suppose the Bible they hand you is an
old Bible and half the pages are missing.

1123
01:00:03,292 --> 01:00:05,988
Suppose all they have
is a Chinese Bible

1124
01:00:06,061 --> 01:00:08,154
in an American court,

1125
01:00:08,230 --> 01:00:11,563
or a Braille Bible,
and you're not blind.

1126
01:00:11,633 --> 01:00:13,897
Suppose they hand
you an upside down,

1127
01:00:13,969 --> 01:00:17,905
backward Chinese Braille Bible
with half the pages missing?

1128
01:00:24,213 --> 01:00:27,239
At what point does all of this
stuff just break down

1129
01:00:27,316 --> 01:00:31,480
and become just a lot of stupid
shit that somebody made up?

1130
01:00:31,553 --> 01:00:34,215
They fucking made it up, folks.
It's make-believe.

1131
01:00:34,289 --> 01:00:35,517
It's make-believe.

1132
01:00:35,591 --> 01:00:39,220
Now, all right. Okay.

1133
01:00:43,198 --> 01:00:44,722
Let's leave
the Bible aside.

1134
01:00:44,800 --> 01:00:48,258
We'll get back to the science
fiction reading later.

1135
01:00:48,337 --> 01:00:51,568
The more important
question is

1136
01:00:51,640 --> 01:00:55,406
what is the big deal about
swearing to God in the first place?

1137
01:00:55,477 --> 01:00:59,174
Why does swearing to God mean
you're going to tell the truth?

1138
01:00:59,248 --> 01:01:01,148
It wouldn't affect me.

1139
01:01:01,216 --> 01:01:02,706
If they said,
"You swear to tell the truth,

1140
01:01:02,784 --> 01:01:04,775
the whole truth and nothing but
the truth, so help you God?"

1141
01:01:04,853 --> 01:01:08,311
I'd say yeah.

1142
01:01:08,390 --> 01:01:11,223
I'll tell you about as much truth as
the people who wrote that fucking Bible.

1143
01:01:11,293 --> 01:01:14,387
How do you like that, huh? Huh?

1144
01:01:20,302 --> 01:01:22,770
Swearing on the Bible
doesn't mean anything.

1145
01:01:22,838 --> 01:01:24,999
It's kid - swearing
to God is kid stuff.

1146
01:01:25,073 --> 01:01:26,973
Did you ever - remember
when you were a kid,

1147
01:01:27,042 --> 01:01:29,567
if you told another kid
something he didn't quite believe

1148
01:01:29,645 --> 01:01:31,476
he'd say,
"You swear to God?"

1149
01:01:31,547 --> 01:01:33,742
I would always say,
"Yeah, I swear to God,"

1150
01:01:33,815 --> 01:01:36,113
even if I was lying.

1151
01:01:36,185 --> 01:01:38,813
Why not?
What's gonna happen if I lie?

1152
01:01:38,887 --> 01:01:40,514
Nothing.

1153
01:01:40,589 --> 01:01:42,386
Nothing happens if you lie

1154
01:01:42,457 --> 01:01:46,518
unless you get caught, and
that's a whole different story.

1155
01:01:46,595 --> 01:01:50,258
Sometimes that kid would think he
was being slick with me and he'd say,

1156
01:01:50,332 --> 01:01:52,892
"You swear on
your mother's grave?"

1157
01:01:52,968 --> 01:01:54,629
I'd say, "Yeah, why not?"

1158
01:01:54,703 --> 01:01:58,230
First of all, my mother was alive.
She didn't have a grave.

1159
01:01:58,307 --> 01:02:00,172
Second of all,
even if she was dead,

1160
01:02:00,242 --> 01:02:04,076
what's she gonna do, rise from
the grave and come and haunt me?

1161
01:02:04,146 --> 01:02:07,673
Come and haunt me all because
I told a lie to an 8-year-old?

1162
01:02:07,749 --> 01:02:10,047
Get fucking real, will you?

1163
01:02:17,392 --> 01:02:22,227
Sometimes I would say,
"I swear on my mother's tits."

1164
01:02:22,297 --> 01:02:25,095
Kids are impressed
with things like that.

1165
01:02:25,167 --> 01:02:26,862
I mean, I don't care about
my mother's tits either.

1166
01:02:26,935 --> 01:02:29,597
I didn't care if they fell off.
Fuck her.

1167
01:02:29,671 --> 01:02:30,467
Not my problem.

1168
01:02:30,539 --> 01:02:33,906
They're your tits, ma.
You keep an eye on them.

1169
01:02:33,976 --> 01:02:35,568
Swearing to God
doesn't mean anything.

1170
01:02:35,644 --> 01:02:37,323
Swearing on the Bible
doesn't mean anything.

1171
01:02:37,324 --> 01:02:37,771
You know why?

1172
01:02:37,846 --> 01:02:40,940
Because Bible or no
Bible, God or no God,

1173
01:02:41,016 --> 01:02:45,146
if it suits their purposes,
people are gonna lie in court.

1174
01:02:45,220 --> 01:02:50,817
The police do it all
the time, all the time.

1175
01:02:50,892 --> 01:02:52,291
Yes, they do.

1176
01:02:52,361 --> 01:02:55,330
It's part of their
job to protect, to serve

1177
01:02:55,397 --> 01:02:58,833
and to commit perjury whenever
it supports the state's case.

1178
01:02:59,501 --> 01:03:01,656
Swearing on the Bible
is just one more way

1179
01:03:01,657 --> 01:03:03,961
of controlling people
and keeping them in line,

1180
01:03:04,039 --> 01:03:07,668
and it's one more thing that
holds us back as a species.

1181
01:03:07,743 --> 01:03:10,576
Here's one more item for you,
the last in our civics book:

1182
01:03:10,646 --> 01:03:11,305
rights.

1183
01:03:11,380 --> 01:03:12,972
Boy, everyone in this country
is always running around,

1184
01:03:13,048 --> 01:03:14,515
yammering about
their fucking rights.

1185
01:03:14,583 --> 01:03:16,346
I have a right. You have no right.
We have a right.

1186
01:03:16,418 --> 01:03:17,282
They don't a have right.

1187
01:03:17,352 --> 01:03:19,286
Folks,
I hate to spoil your fun but

1188
01:03:19,354 --> 01:03:21,379
there's no such thing
as rights, okay.

1189
01:03:21,456 --> 01:03:22,388
They're imaginary.

1190
01:03:22,457 --> 01:03:25,483
We made them up,
like the Boogie Man,

1191
01:03:25,560 --> 01:03:28,654
the Three Little Pigs, Pinocchio,
Mother Goose, shit like that.

1192
01:03:28,730 --> 01:03:30,960
Rights are an idea.
They're just imaginary.

1193
01:03:31,033 --> 01:03:33,297
They're a cute idea.
Cute but that's all.

1194
01:03:33,368 --> 01:03:34,926
Cute and fictional.

1195
01:03:35,003 --> 01:03:37,597
But if you think you do have
rights let me ask you this,

1196
01:03:37,673 --> 01:03:38,867
where do they come from?

1197
01:03:38,940 --> 01:03:41,431
People say, "Well, they come from
God. They're God-given rights."

1198
01:03:41,510 --> 01:03:45,970
Oh, fuck, here we go again.
Here we go again.

1199
01:03:46,048 --> 01:03:47,208
The God excuse.

1200
01:03:47,282 --> 01:03:50,843
The last refuge of a man with
no answers and no argument,

1201
01:03:50,919 --> 01:03:52,011
"They came from God."

1202
01:03:52,087 --> 01:03:54,715
Anything we can't describe
must have come from God.

1203
01:03:54,790 --> 01:03:58,191
Personally, folks, I believe
that if your rights came from God

1204
01:03:58,260 --> 01:04:00,558
he would have given you the
right to some food everyday,

1205
01:04:00,629 --> 01:04:02,893
and he would have given you the
right to a roof over your head.

1206
01:04:02,964 --> 01:04:05,364
God would have been
looking out for you.

1207
01:04:05,434 --> 01:04:09,302
God would have been looking
out for you, you know that?

1208
01:04:11,873 --> 01:04:13,966
He wouldn't have been worrying
about making sure you have a gun

1209
01:04:14,042 --> 01:04:18,035
so you can get drunk on Sunday night
and kill your girlfriend's parents.

1210
01:04:18,113 --> 01:04:21,276
But let's say it's true. Let's
say God gave us these rights.

1211
01:04:21,350 --> 01:04:24,148
Why would he give us a
certain number of rights?

1212
01:04:24,219 --> 01:04:27,746
The Bill of Rights in this
country has ten stipulations, okay.

1213
01:04:27,823 --> 01:04:29,085
Ten rights.

1214
01:04:29,157 --> 01:04:32,490
And apparently God was doing
sloppy work that week because

1215
01:04:32,561 --> 01:04:36,657
we've had to amend the Bill of
Rights an additional 17 times,

1216
01:04:36,732 --> 01:04:41,601
so God forgot a couple
of things like slavery.

1217
01:04:41,670 --> 01:04:45,401
Just fucking slipped his mind.

1218
01:04:45,474 --> 01:04:48,932
But let's say God
gave us the original ten.

1219
01:04:49,010 --> 01:04:50,773
He gave the British 13.

1220
01:04:50,846 --> 01:04:53,781
The British Bill of Rights
has 13 stipulations.

1221
01:04:53,849 --> 01:04:55,942
The Germans have 29.

1222
01:04:56,017 --> 01:04:57,609
The Belgians have 25.

1223
01:04:57,686 --> 01:04:59,381
The Swedish have only 6.

1224
01:04:59,454 --> 01:05:02,116
And some people in the world
have no rights at all.

1225
01:05:02,190 --> 01:05:06,058
What kind of a fucking, goddamn,
God-giving deal is that?

1226
01:05:06,128 --> 01:05:07,891
No rights at all?

1227
01:05:07,963 --> 01:05:11,194
Why would God give different
people in different countries

1228
01:05:11,266 --> 01:05:13,791
different numbers
of different rights?

1229
01:05:13,869 --> 01:05:15,496
Boredom?

1230
01:05:15,570 --> 01:05:17,037
Amusement?

1231
01:05:17,105 --> 01:05:19,039
Bad arithmetic?

1232
01:05:19,107 --> 01:05:22,612
Do we find out at long
last after all this time

1233
01:05:22,613 --> 01:05:24,875
that God is weak in math skills?

1234
01:05:24,946 --> 01:05:27,881
Doesn't sound like
divine planning to me.

1235
01:05:27,949 --> 01:05:30,349
Sounds more like human planning.

1236
01:05:30,419 --> 01:05:33,411
Sounds more like one group
trying to control another group.

1237
01:05:33,488 --> 01:05:36,389
In other words, business
as usual in America.

1238
01:05:36,458 --> 01:05:40,189
Now, if you think you do have
rights, one last assignment for you.

1239
01:05:40,262 --> 01:05:43,095
Next time you're at he
computer get on the internet.

1240
01:05:43,165 --> 01:05:44,496
Go to Wikipedia.

1241
01:05:44,566 --> 01:05:47,228
When you get to Wikipedia, in
the search field for Wikipedia

1242
01:05:47,302 --> 01:05:51,295
I want you to type in
Japanese Americans 1942,

1243
01:05:51,373 --> 01:05:55,707
and you'll find out all about
your precious fucking rights, okay.

1244
01:05:55,777 --> 01:05:58,143
All right. You know about it.

1245
01:05:58,213 --> 01:05:59,646
You know about it.

1246
01:06:01,383 --> 01:06:02,577
Yeah.

1247
01:06:02,651 --> 01:06:08,920
In 1942 there were 110,000
Japanese-American citizens

1248
01:06:08,990 --> 01:06:11,322
in good standing,
law-abiding people,

1249
01:06:11,393 --> 01:06:14,191
who were thrown into
internment camps

1250
01:06:14,262 --> 01:06:17,754
simply because their parents
were born in the wrong country.

1251
01:06:17,833 --> 01:06:18,822
That's all they did wrong.

1252
01:06:18,900 --> 01:06:21,733
They had no right to a lawyer,
no right to a fair trial,

1253
01:06:21,803 --> 01:06:23,498
no right to a jury
of their peers.

1254
01:06:23,572 --> 01:06:26,063
No right to due
process of any kind.

1255
01:06:26,141 --> 01:06:27,438
The only right they had?

1256
01:06:27,509 --> 01:06:31,673
Right this way into
the interment camps.

1257
01:06:31,746 --> 01:06:36,183
Just when these American citizens
needed their rights the most,

1258
01:06:36,251 --> 01:06:38,776
their government
took them away,

1259
01:06:38,854 --> 01:06:42,221
and rights aren't rights if
someone can take them away.

1260
01:06:42,290 --> 01:06:43,382
They're privileges.

1261
01:06:43,458 --> 01:06:45,943
That's all we've ever
had in this country

1262
01:06:45,944 --> 01:06:47,895
is a bill of temporary privileges.

1263
01:06:47,963 --> 01:06:50,295
And if you read
the news even badly

1264
01:06:50,365 --> 01:06:54,927
you know that every year the list
gets shorter and shorter and shorter.

1265
01:06:55,003 --> 01:06:56,903
You see how silly that is.

1266
01:07:02,611 --> 01:07:03,703
Yeah.

1267
01:07:03,778 --> 01:07:05,973
Sooner or later the people in
this country are going to realize

1268
01:07:06,047 --> 01:07:08,379
the government does
not give a fuck about them.

1269
01:07:08,450 --> 01:07:10,645
The government doesn't care
about you or your children

1270
01:07:10,719 --> 01:07:13,119
or your rights or your
welfare or your safety.

1271
01:07:13,188 --> 01:07:15,383
It simply doesn't
give a fuck about you.

1272
01:07:15,457 --> 01:07:17,152
It's interested
in its own power.

1273
01:07:17,225 --> 01:07:20,683
That's the only thing keeping it
and expanding it wherever possible.

1274
01:07:20,762 --> 01:07:22,389
Personally, when
it comes to rights,

1275
01:07:22,464 --> 01:07:24,455
I think one of two
things is true.

1276
01:07:24,533 --> 01:07:27,263
I think either we have
unlimited rights

1277
01:07:27,335 --> 01:07:29,496
or we have no rights at all.

1278
01:07:29,571 --> 01:07:32,699
Personally I lean toward
unlimited rights.

1279
01:07:32,774 --> 01:07:36,210
I feel, for instance, I have the
right to do anything I please.

1280
01:07:36,278 --> 01:07:38,610
But if I do something
you don't like,

1281
01:07:38,680 --> 01:07:42,081
I think you have the
right to kill me.

1282
01:07:42,150 --> 01:07:45,745
So where are you going to find
a fairer fucking deal than that?

1283
01:07:45,820 --> 01:07:48,118
So the next time some
asshole says to you,

1284
01:07:48,189 --> 01:07:50,589
"I have a right to my
opinion,"you say,"Oh yeah?

1285
01:07:50,659 --> 01:07:52,058
Well I have a right
to my opinion,

1286
01:07:52,127 --> 01:07:54,925
and my opinion is you have
no right to your opinion."

1287
01:07:54,996 --> 01:07:58,022
Then shoot the
fuck and walk away.

1288
01:07:58,967 --> 01:07:59,865
Thank you.