MASTERMIND THEME
Good evening.
I'm Clive Myrie.
And, Graham Norton, your cold open starts now.
Who are tonight's guests?
I know this.
Daniel Craig, Ian McKellen, Fleur East, john Bishop.
Music from Charlie Puth.
Erm, another one.
CLIVE COUGHS
Oh, you, Clive. Clive Myrie.
Correct.
And what famous phrase...
BEEP
I've started, so I'll finish.
What famous phrase do you say at the end of the cold open,
when you can't think of a punchline?
Oh, that one's easy.
Let's start the show!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh!
Hello, hello, hello, good evening!
You're all very welcome to the show.
We've got some exclusive guests for you tonight.
I tell you, they are rarer than a One Love armband at the World Cup.
It's rare.
Everyone watching the World Cup?
CHEERING
Yeah?
There's already been one major upset.
Yeah.
It's being held in Qatar.
Now, come on, come on.
We all know there are many, many perfectly valid reasons why
it's being held in Qatar.
Here are just a few of them.
APPLAUSE
There have already been some big shocks.
Argentina were beaten by Saudi Arabia, Germany
was beaten by japan.
Who's going to be beaten next?
Brazil?
France?
Anyone who's gay?
And I love this.
For a nation that encourages female modesty, I think it's quite ironic
that the Qataris came up with a stadium like this.
That's...
That's the Aljanoub Stadium.
APPLAUSE
I am told it's got a unique atmosphere.
Yeah, inside, it smells like one of Gwyneth Paltrow's candles.
Yeah.
Now, sadly, there have been some access issues for fans trying
to get into the stadium.
Apparently, there is a back entrance, but it's
illegal to use that.
Hey, let's get some guests on!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Later, we'll have music from pop star Charlie Puth.
Yes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And we'll get ready for panto season with the stars of Mother Goose,
john Bishop and Sir Ian McKellen will be here!
Yeah!
But first...
He's one of the BBC's top news reporters, who's now turned
presenter of the classic quiz show Mastermind.
Please welcome Clive Myrie!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Here he is now!
Hello.
Have a seat.
Hello, everybody.
There you go.
She's a British pop sensation and radio star, now hoping to win
the Strictly Glitterball, it's Fleur East!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Wowzer!
Hello!
Lovely to see you.
There you go.
And he handed in his Licence to Kill, but now he's back
on our screens as super-sleuth Be no it Blanc in Glass Onion:
A Knives Out Mystery.
It is Mr Daniel Craig!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Have a seat, do.
Oh!
Lovely to see you all.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes!
Yeah.
Now, you all feel welcome, lovely, lovely.
I think, and I'm not a trained...
I think you could bunch up a bit.
Yeah? Yeah.
You stay there.
I'll stay here, OK.
Don't shout at me.
There you go.
That's your drink, that's your drink.
Yeah, very good.
And, Daniel, here you are.
It's your first appearance not as Bond and I wasn't
going to mention Bond.
No, and last time I was here, we were literally eight foot apart.
Yes, we were on chairs over there.
You were over there, I was over here.
There were four people in the audience.
We had a great time! Yeah!
Oh, the laughs we had...
But the thing is, it's lovely to be here, we are having a nice time but,
Fleur, I feel bad that we're keeping you up.
Because you missed your radio show this week, didn't you?
Yeah, I was a little late, a little late for the radio show.
I mean, I get up at 5am.
I'm on air six to ten and then I dance sometimes until 10pm.
So it's savage.
Yeah. Yeah.
Are you in pain?
Oh, yeah, my feet are swollen.
I don't even know how they got in these shoes, actually,
tonight, to be fair.
Wow! Yeah!
And what happens when you don't show up for the radio show?
Just whoever was on before you just keeps going?
Yeah, they just keep it ticking.
It's quite embarrassing, though, because I'll be
in the taxi and I'll go, "Oh, can you just
put on Hits Radio?"
Ancl then I'll hear them going, "Fleur East is on the way, guys."
Ancl I'm like, "Ooh!"
Well, we'll get this going as quickly as possible,
get you out of here and back to bed.
And, Clive Myrie, hard-bitten BBC News journalist, I was thinking,
how comfortable will you be in a showbiz environment?
But actually, you're used to it, because weren't you in LA
for a couple of years?
Yes, I was.
It was my second posting as a foreign correspondent.
I was the Los Angeles correspondent.
And I did three Golden Globe Awards.
I did the Oscars.
I did the Emmys.
Yeah, it was a fantastic time.
So |'mt used to being this close to Hollywood royalty.
Superstars.
We should have put up a small rope.
Yeah, exactly!
A little red one, a little red one.
"Can I come in?"
All right, let's start with Daniel Craig's film.
It's called Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery.
It is in theatres now - but just for a week -
and then it'll be on Netflix from 23rd December.
So if people, you know, didn't see the first one,
explain Knives Out and explain Be no it Blanc, your character.
It's a murder mystery.
It's sort of a big homage to Agatha Christie and all
sorts of other things.
Ancl I play Be no it Blanc, who is a detective from the Southern,
somewhere in the Southern States of America.
Somewhere!
But he's a famous detective.
Yes, in the world that we are, he's the world's most
famous and best detective.
The best.
Yeah.
So you all go to this island.
We all go to the island.
I'm invited.
Although I'm not supposed to be invited.
So you don't quite know what's going on.
Ancl it unfolds, as these things do.
Yeah, and you solve it.
Spoiler.
All right, well, look, I tell you what, we'll watch a clip.
This is from the new one, Glass Onion.
And this is you, as Be no it Blanc, meeting your host, played by none
other than Ed Norton.
Well, this...
Oh, my goodness me!
This is...
Wait, what is that?
Oh, my God, it's full of stars!
This is amazing.
Just amazing.
I'm so happy to be here.
If there's any role you'd like me to play in this
murder mystery game - as the, I don't know, detective -
I'll be more than happy to oblige.
Just to be included and to meet you.
Is that a motorcar?
Oh, yeah, that's my Baby Blue.
It's one-of-a-kind.
It goes anywhere I go.
All around the world.
Why's it on the roof?
Because there's nowhere to drive it on the island.
Oh, yes, of course.
Very good!
APPLAUSE
And...
The story is, as you say, it's kind of that classic thing.
It's a sort of closed room, it's an island.
Yes, it's a closed room, you call it a chamber piece, don't you?
Oh, is that what they're called?
I don't know. Yeah, yeah.
A lot of people have talked about Be no it Blanc's accent.
Was he always going to sound like that?
Was that in the original script?
It was written...
It said it in a very small piece of stage direction,
which said, "Be no it Blanc, with a subtle, lilting Southern
accent," which I flatly refused, ignored, and have gone
with that, so...
And it's...
It's one of those things where, in your head, did you think,
"yeah, I'll do that"?
And then you get presumably to a read-through and you're going, "OK".
I said to Brian, the Director, I just said, "Are you sure?"
And he went, “Yes
And I Went, "OK."
Ancl I just then, you know, then it's just work.
I really struggle with accents.
I just can't turn it on or mimic things.
So I have to kind of learn it like by rote, like musically,
and then get it into my head.
Ancl then once it's in, it's in and I can't get rid of it.
And then, Fleur, you are married to a Frenchman.
I am, yes.
Marcel Marcel.
Buh!
So, do you...
LAUGHTER
No, I mean, it's a good name for a Frenchman, isn't it?
It works, it works.
Yeah, it really works.
So, do you speak French fluently?
Did you speak French already? Well, not really.
I mean, I did it for A Level at school.
Ancl then I got with him and he took me to Paris.
It was like a whirlwind in the first, like,
month of knowing him.
Ancl his mum doesn't speak a word of English.
So all the French I picked up was him with his mates.
So I was basically saying the equivalent of "What's up, bro?"
To his mum when I met her.
Ancl he was like, "No, no, no! This is bad French!"
Ancl I was like, "This is what you speak with your friends!
I don't know!"
So have you got better now?
Now, I'm much better, yes.
Ancl we have French Tuesdays, where we only speak
French on a Tuesday.
So I'm getting there. Wow!
No wonder you did Strictly!
"No, I'm not in today, sorry, bye.
I mean, au revoir."
"Je suis desolee!"
Yeah, "la danse".
LAUGHTER
"Desolee!"
And talking of travelling, Clive, we mentioned that obviously,
you're a foreign correspondent, you go to trouble spots
and difficult areas.
But you're now doing a lovely thing.
You're kind of being paid to go on your holidays.
Oh, well, not sure about that.
Oh, come on, Clive!
No guns, no Kalashnikovs, no bombs.
Yes, Italy.
Italy.
15-part series.
15 parts?!
I know.
That's a long holiday!
It's a big country.
A lot of restaurants.
Yes, and lots of restaurants, yeah.
It's a place that I've been going to for many,
many years, for work and play.
And the BBC said, "Hey, let's do a travel series."
So it's in Italy.
And we go from the heel to the top of the boot.
You know, I take part in the World Tiramisu-Making Championships.
Ooh!
Yeah.
The results...
The results, you'll find out.
You'll find out.
I am the navigator in a classic car rally.
The Centomiglia.
I'm still hearing holiday, anyone else?
I'm still hearing holiday.
I drove a car and ate some pudding.
But get this, the pit stops are not for gas,
they're for prosecco.
Again, holiday.
Holiday. Holiday.
OK. Holiday.
Yeah, yeah.
OK, it's one big, giant holiday, and it's a lot of fun, a lot of fun.
OK, so that you kind of reporting from all over the world.
I was thinking about you, Daniel, is there anywhere you can go
in the world where they don't know who you are?
Erm, it happened when we were doing...
LAUGHTER
This is really, no.
I think that's a no.
I remember once, one person didn't know who I was.
When did it nearly happen?
No, I can't remember.
Where was it, where was it?
I was literally on some island in the middle
of the Caribbean, just off Panama.
Ancl it was a while ago.
Ancl my dresser on the movie had gone out to the island the week before
and he had got there and he had told everybody
that he was James Bond.
Ancl he'd got treated so well that it was a good clay.
And when we got...
Ancl I went the following week, and all I remember was we got off
a little plane and we landed.
Amazing place we went to.
Ancl we landed there.
Ancl everyone came rushing out, "James Bond,
James Bond, James Bond!"
They looked at me and went, "Oh..."
LAUGHTER
They must've been so surprised if they
finally saw the film!
"Oh, oh, wait."
And here's the thing.
Having left the Bond franchise behind, you're now in Knives Out,
this other big franchise.
Am I right that this one is open-ended?
There can be as many movies as...
Listen, I mean, Ryan and I talk about it all the time,
but we'll make them as long as people are laughing
and enjoying them.
Ancl then, you know, we'll walk away when they don't.
That's the idea.
Well, long may they continue.
Daniel's film - Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery -
is out now and on Netflix from 23rd December.
Daniel Craig!
APPLAUSE
Meanwhile, Fleur East continues to rule the floor
on Strictly Come Dancing.
Tomorrow night, on BBC One and iPlayer from 7:15.
And last weekend in Blackpool, I mean, it's rare to have a perfect...
What are you saying, Daniel?
LAUGHTER
What are you saying?
He's looking into my eyes going, "You must be exhausted."
He's saying, "I want to be on Strictly."
Yeah, yeah.
You heard it here, folks.
You heard it first here.
"I own a dinner jacket, please..."
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Sorry.
I don't know how many of you were watching last weekend,
but it's rare that people have a perfect evening.
But in Blackpool, you literally had a perfect evening.
Oh, it was incredible.
Honestly.
To get to Blackpool Week on Strictly, it's one of the most
iconic weeks on the show.
We got there, we had a Couple's Choice, which is always
a bit risky, traditionally.
It's like, oh, it's not Latin or ballroom, how
is this going to go?
Ancl my brief I gave to the choreographer was,
I want it like Super Bowl half-time.
No pressure.
Thinkj.Lo, Beyonce, that kind of thing!
I was like, "I need to live out my dreams, I don't know how long
I'm going to be on this show for!"
It
was
amazing!
It
was
the
first
ten
it was amazing! It was the first ten from
it was amazing! It was the first ten from Craig.
He
looked
SO
miserable.
From Craig. He looked so miserable. I
was
like,
I?
He
going
to
do
it?
I was like, is he going to do it? Ancl
he
lifted
UP
and
kept
saying
Ancl he lifted up and kept saying afterwards,
i1:
was
Fleur's
fauk,
I
afterwards, it was Fleur's fault, I had
to.
Let's
remind
ourselves
of
had to. Let's remind ourselves of that
stunning
routine
if'
black.
# Throw your hands up at me, at me, at me
# Hit me!
# Can you keep up?
# Baby boy, make me lose my breath
# Bring the noise, make me lose my breath
# Hit me hard, make me lose my 'huh, huh'
# Can you keep up?
# Baby boy, make me lose my breath
# Bring the noise, make me lose my breath
# Hit me hard, make me lose my breath.#
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Wowzer!
That was so good.
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH.
Is it true that you'd never drank coffee before Vito
gave you coffee in this?
Never drank coffee.
Three years on breakfast radio, never had a cup of coffee.
Met an Italian, he started teaching me Latin and ballroom
and I was like, give me the coffee.
Yeah.
It suits you, the coffee.
Yeah.
Drink more coffee.
Obviously, a Destiny's Child mash-up and it attracted attention from...
Michelle Williams from Destiny's Child.
Aww.
She saw it.
Yeah, she saw it.
She tweeted and she said, amazing!
Oh, bless her.
That's really cool.
We often hear about the Strictly curse, but apparently
with Vito you are safe.
I'm safe.
Oh, yeah.
You know, the way he got me into the mood of the Argentine tango
was he'd have a packet of cheese and onion crisps just before we get
really close and then, to get my hold in the waltz right,
he'd have some garlic and then he'd breathe out and I'd go...
There it is, that's your position.
I think I'm all right.
But what's the story...
Didn't you and your husband, Marcel, didn't you take precautions?
Was it in Mexico you took precautions?
So this story was taken completely out of context.
We went to this ancient ritual in Mexico and it's supposed
to cleanse your soul and spirit and then, after that news came out,
I was then announced for Strictly, so people assumed it was to get rid
of the curse.
You know what?
It's actually been a blessing for my marriage.
I mean, it's great.
We've been together 12 years.
How often in your marriage do you dress up and look
different every week, get to do all these sexy dances
in front of your husband?
After the Argentine tango, it was like we got married again.
It was great.
Hello!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
Well, I never!
Clive Myrie, you must have been asked to do Strictly.
Er...
I might have.
Yes, you must have been.
You have.
You should do it.
Daniel, have you been asked to do strictly?
I love throwing that over to me.
Well, it's...
Why is that a hard question?
I don't know.
He is in negotiations.
Oh, are you in the Christmas special or something?
Shall we put vodka in this?
I tell you what, whether Clive is in Strictly or not,
we do have a new dancing star on the sofa.
I don't know if you've seen this vodka ad.
Dancing fans.
But you can't show it after that amazing thing we've just seen.
Oh, no, no!
Here it is, a little clip of it.
Feast your eyes.
This is Daniel Craig dancing the night away.
Oh, yeah!
Oh, my God!
WOW!
That's so cool.
Yeah, baby.
CHEERING.
Wow.
WOW!
Love it, love it.
I mean, two things, one, did that...
Two things?
Only two?
Did it take ages to do that?
It's just...
Days and clays?
He ain't going on Strictly.
God, I've got to save the world from that.
Can I get this together?
There's a guy called jaQuel Knight who is a choreographer.
He actually did All The Single Ladies and these kind of...
Oh, wow!
He came to my house for two clays and we worked very
hard just to get...
I can't count.
Oh, OK.
So, unless I'm feeling it, I can't do it.
As soon as you kind of go, two, three, four, I'm like, what?
You just feel the music.
Well, if you like.
You are a proper dancer.
I don't know about that.
Yeah!
But he was there and he kind of took me through it.
Taika Waititi directed it and he said, can you dance?
I was like...
When I'm alone in the dark, maybe.
Ancl he said, I want you to dance all the way through it.
So I just went, let's do it.
I have to say...
It starts on the Pont Neuf but you don't see that.
And all the paparazzi were there.
Ancl I danced down the Pont Neuf and we closed the Pont Neuf off,
so that was like, just major.
And you do look like you're having a ball.
Like, is it the sort of thing, if you were James Bond,
would they have said no, Daniel, you cannot do this?
Every time the camera set cut, I was doing that.
Nobody knows, but that was what I was basically doing.
That's what we missed.
Well, Fleur is continuing her journey on Strictly tomorrow night.
What are you giving us tomorrow night?
We are doing a rumba.
Is that fun?
It's another sensual, passionate dance.
Oh.
So it's going to be our third marriage, me and Marcel.
Well, good luck to you and Vito and, indeed, Marcel.
Fleur East, everybody.
CHEERING.
Now, Clive Myrie, obviously troubled times we live in,
but it gives you these extraordinary opportunities to tell stories,
so we all saw you in Ukraine, in Kyiv, so how does that happen?
Presumably they don't just tell you to go.
Do you volunteer for that or do they ask?
How does it happen?
First of all, no BBC correspondent is forced to go anywhere.
Yeah.
Particularly if it's a war zone, you asked them,
if you want to go, you go.
If you don't, you don't.
It's not going to be a blemish on your record.
You're not going to be, you know, done out of a job in the future.
It's absolutely your decision.
So, interestingly, I get a phone call from the deputy editor
of the ten o'clock news, a guy called johnny Whitaker, and he
said, do you fancy going to Ukraine?
And I'd just come off the back of doing a pretty big series
on Covid in January this year, and I said, I'm a bit
knackered, oh, God...
He said, well, it's got 150,000 troops on the border.
Do you fancy going?
I said, oh, I'll think about it.
Put down the phone, went and made a cup of tea, and then I thought,
I've never been to Ukraine.
RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER.
I've never been.
Why not?
And he ain't going to invade.
He ain't going to invade.
Right, God.
Sol ring him back and I say, yeah, I'll go, because he
ain't going to invade.
And johnny says, no, he ain't going to invade.
I fly out on the Wednesday.
Ryan air, £29.99 from Stansted.
WOW!
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Ladies and gentlemen, your licence fee is safe.
I didn't even have a meal.
Have any crisps?
Exactly.
We land with a brilliant producer, Annie Duncans on.
And we go to a lovely restaurant, have lunch,
sunshine, everyone is out.
He ain't gonna invade.
I then present the six o'clock news and present
the ten o'clock news and, in between those two bulletins,
the atmosphere changed, completely changed.
I interviewed Lyse Doucet on the roof of our hotel,
where we were broadcasting live.
She was already there.
Lyse was already there, yet.
And we agreed that something was up.
Could you feel that from your contacts?
Yeah.
So you're getting the word.
Absolutely, because the president's office had gone quiet.
President Zelenskiy had been pretty forthright in saying,
they are not going to invade, they are not going to invade.
The Americans, the intelligence they had was suggesting
that he was going to invade but the suggestion was
that they were doing that in order to make it difficult for them
to actually do it, put the intel out there first.
But Zelenskiy went quiet and there was the sense that
something was up and Lyse,
in her live, make that clear.
That was midnight local time, 10pm here.
And I think they invaded about 2:30am.
And, when that happened, what is put in place to keep you safe?
Or are you just keeping yourself safe?
You have a whole team of security that are there.
And they are your eyes and ears out there while you are actually able
to work so that's really important.
They are all ex-military and they know the lie of the land.
And you've got local fixers and producers who also know what's
going on on the ground as well, so that's really important,
but the bottom line is we all had meetings with the person in charge,
Kate Peters, individual meetings and we were asked,
do you want to stay?
And a number of people said no, I didn't sign up for this.
One person was in tears, I need to get out.
So a convoy of vehicles left about two days after the invasion
and I was asked by Kate if I wanted to stay, and I'd ready
made up my mind.
I said I wanted to stay, I wanted to try to tell
the truth of this story.
There's a lot of lies and propaganda and, frankly,
crap that's put out about what might be going on.
And I wanted to try to tell the truth of what was going on,
and I said to her, what do you think the Russians will do
if they come into the hotel?
And she is a fluent Russian speaker.
She is the bureau chief in Moscow.
She knows the Russian mindset.
She said, well, they'll be brusque.
They won't stand on ceremony.
They'll probably just to kick us out.
I said, well, do you think they might want to kill us?
And she said she didn't know.
She wasn't sure.
But she didn't think they would.
And I said, OK, that's good enough for me.
So I stayed, and a number of others stayed as well,
fantastic camera operators, fixers, producers.
I mean, our whole team got that show on the road for those first two
weeks of that invasion, and they were all magnificent,
absolutely magnificent.
APPLAUSE.
Here's a thing I didn't know.
So, Fleur East, obviously, you sing, you dance, you drink coffee,
but are you qualified as a journalist?
You trained as a journalist.
Yes, yes.
I studied.
I did a degree in journalism and history.
Oh, wow!
So hearing you talk about this is like, wow,
this is so interesting.
One of my favourite quotes when I did my degree was,
journalism is the first draft of history, and that's what got me
so interested in it.
It's like everything you're doing, all those reports, all those
moments, that is history forever.
People look back on that and watch you.
Yeah, we are so privileged to be in the position where
we are seeing the huge moments.
I did a lot on the Covid pandemic.
That's a once in a 100 year event.
The war in Ukraine, a once in a 70 odd year event, you know,
a major war on European soil.
We are in an incredibly privileged position.
You always see these movies where it's like the end of the world
as you see the journalists going, I'm staying, guys I'm staying!
You are just like, just go!
You fool!
Get out!
You are that guy.
Yeah.
Daniel, did you ever want to do anything else or was it just
actor, actor, actor?
When I grew up, I mean, I wanted to be an actor
but there weren't a lot of outlets for being an actor where I grew up,
so I was probably going to join the Navy at one point and then
I sort of got into waiting and I nearly took a job on the QE2.
I would still be there, probably.
Is it still floating, the QE2?
One of them is.
Yeah, you'd be on there.
I was a waiter.
From about 16, I waited.
In posh restaurants or...?
I mean, they were kind of posh.
They were in Chester, which makes them kind of posh.
Chester is posh.
Yeah, but there was always a fight.
I don't know what it was.
There was a night where you used have round the back
and you could smoke back there, so you'd be having a quick fag
around the back, on your break, and you'd hear this shouting
and there'd be a chair thrown.
Why?
We're in some silver service place.
Fine dining in Chester.
Clive reporting.
You know I come from Bolton.
We are both Northerners.
I'm a Bolton lad.
You don't sound like Northerners.
No, I don't.
Clive's latest role is a real departure, boasting mastermind.
Mastermind, of course, continues on Mondays
on BBC Two at 7:30pm.
It's a very special year for Mastermind, 50 years.
50 years!
I know.
It's absolutely incredible.
Such a simple format.
And, when they asked you, was it an easy yes or did you worry
about your reputation, stepping away from the newsroom...?
That is not what I worried about.
To be honest with you.
It's always good to try to show the public you are not just
a robotic newsreader type thing, and this was a good
opportunity to do that.
I was worried about following in the footsteps of john Humphrys
and Magnus Magnus son, Titans of broadcasting.
So that was the concern.
Now, specialist subject, here's a thing, can that be anything
or are there rules about what can be your specialist subject?
There are rules.
You can't just pick, you know, the history of apples or something.
I don't know.
That sounds really hard.
That does sound very hard.
What fool would pick that!
They need to be slightly narrower and focus.
And there need to be recognised sources that
you get your information from, and obviously everything
can be verified.
So, Daniel Craig, actor, what is your specialist subject?
I don't want a specialist subject.
LAUGHTER.
Do I look like I've got a specialist subject?
You might know something about something, I don't know.
No.
Gardening?
Nothing?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Dancing!
What did you say?
Dancing!
APPLAUSE
Yeah.
Fleur, would you have a specialist subject?
Oh, yeah. Yeah?
The Kardashians.
Would that be allowed? No.
Why not?
Why would the Kardashians not be allowed?
'N.
I don't know, actually.
But I've got a feeling that there may be issues.
There are a lot of sources out there.
There are a lot of sources?
Yes, they've done loads of books.
Because there is a lot of gossip attached to it, so you
can't really verify everything.
Potentially.
But you're clearly...
Fleur, you're clearly putting yourself forward to be on Celebrity
Mastermind.
Daniel is going to get to the bottom of this!
He's channemng Bench Hand.!
Well, Mastermind continues on BBC Two Mondays
at 7:30.
And of course, the news never stops.
Clive Myrie, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Right, Christmas is coming and our panto goose is getting fat, so let's
meet the stars of Mother Goose,
it's john Bishop and Ian McKellen!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Shove down a little bit.
Make room, make groom.
Make room, make room.
Make room.
Thank you.
Welcome along, lovely to see you.
Thank you.
Have you come straight from rehearsal?
Oh, it's exhausting!
Yes, we have, we have come straight from rehearsal.
We've got a few clays left.
Oh, it's fun and games!
LAUGHTER
You haven't even started yet, Ian!
Apart from this show, when did you last do a pantomime?
Er, in...
APPLAUSE
Ouch!
It was 1990.
1990, in Harrogate.
Were you in a frock?
No.
No? No.
I played Rollo, I think.
Thigh boots? No.
I think we had, what do you call those things,
knickerbockers?
I think I had those on, yes.
Was that the attraction of doing it?
It was a job, Ian.
It was a job.
LAUGHTER
That was the attraction.
So here's the thing.
It starts off, Mother Goose, next Saturday, December the 3rd, in
Brighton.
Yes, Brighton.
Yeah.
So this production of Mother Goose, what makes it special?
It sounds like you've thrown everything at this.
It's got it all.
Well, I went to the management and I said, before I
finish, I wanted to play a Dame once more.
I had played Widow Twankey in Aladdin.
Great success. Thank you.
Ancl as the saying goes, "Once they've seen your
Twankey, can the goose be far behind?"
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
But Mother Goose is the great part for a Dame
because it's the centre of the story.
It's all about a woman who is not quite happy with her lot.
Ancl has her wishes granted, and we see what happens.
And, john, who do you play?
I play Mother Goose's husband.
Very good. Yes.
I only found...
I'm called Vic, Vic Goose.
Ancl I only found out here, in the research chat here,
that I am Ian's first ever stage husband.
Well. now!
APPLAUSE
Ancl I'm John Bishop's first stage wife.
No, but the others have been women.
The thing about pantomime is that it used to be a summer
entertainment.
Oh, right.
Ancl I don't know why that was, but over
the years, it's been going for about 150
years now, eventually, it
settled down to the Christmas, Year period.
When I was a kid, the big pantomimes used to open on Boxing
Day, the clay after Christmas Day, and run right through to Easter
Saturday, right through the winter, which is when you need cheering up,
isn't it?
Ancl I thought, well, why can't that go on?
Ancl then there were also pantomimes when I was a
kid that used to tour just for a week in different places.
So I thought, if you put those two things
together, we'd see if it worked.
And, well, we will see.
Ancl that is where we are up to.
We go up till April. Wow.
So you've no excuse for not seeing it.
LAUGHTER
You asked!
But do you de-Christmas it a bit as it goes on?
It's not about Christmas. OK.
No, if there is a story about it, it's about our
relationship.
It's about fame, it's about money, it's about chasing your
dreams and realising they're not the same.
Ancl mixed in that, there's some knob gags and singing and
dancing!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Sounds good!
And, john, I haven't seen you since your gorgeous
documentary about your family and your son went out.
Which was so special, it was just gorgeous, I
don't know if you guys saw it.
And it ended with you giving that stand-up performance with British
Sign Language.
So have you kept it up?
Yeah, yeah, I'm still doing, still learning BSL.
I do it before I go to rehearsals.
I'm doing it twice a week and carrying on, so I'm on
level two now.
It goes up to six levels.
So I've still got the vocabulary of a four-year-old, but
I'm still doing it.
But you can have a conversation?
Yeah, I can have a conversation.
Show them what the word for "pantomime" is.
APPLAUSE
It's a beautiful language and it's so rich.
Ancl I learn new words.
Like, you know what the sign for panto is?
OK.
Ancl it's a funny language as well.
Like the sign for Scotland is that.
The sign for Matt Hancock is that.
APPLAUSE
Well, you can see Ian and john in Mother Goose around
the country from next Saturday, until April.
John Bishop and Ian McKellen, everybody!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Right, it is time for music.
This multi-platinum-selling pop star is back with his
latest album, Charlie.
Here performing his current single, Loser, it is Charlie Puth!
APPLAUSE
# Oh, I'm such a loser, how'd I ever lose her?
# Oh, maybe I must have been out of my mind
# Now, I'm a loser Why'd I have to lose her?
# I'll never recover I'll never be fine
# I just might get a little too drunk
# So I won't think about us
# I don't think about what we could have been
# And I stay up like three or four nights
# So I won't dream about us
# I wake up with no luck
# I just can't win
# I should've seen it all along (Ah-ah)
# She was one in a million
# It hurts whenever someone says her name
# (Someone says her name)
# When w? were goin' off and on (Ah-ah)
# I guess I r?ally played it wrong (Ah-ah)
# I should have never let her slip away
# Oh, I'm such a loser, how'd I ever lose her?
# Oh, maybe I must have been out of my mind
# Now, I'm a loser Why'd I have to lose her?
# I'll never recover I'll never be fine
# I just might have been a little too gone
# When she needed somebody (Uh)
# Up against her body at 2am
# Yeah, and now I keep lying to myself
# When she's just joking probably (She's joking probably)
# She'll probably call me and we'll be us again
# I should've seen it all along (Ah-ah)
# She was one in a million (Ah-ah)
# Now she's in love and I'm in second place (Damn)
# Oh, I'm such a loser How'd I ever lose her?
# Oh, maybe I must have been out of my mind (Now, I)
# Now, I'm a loser Why'd I have to lose her?
# I'll never recover I'll never be fine (Fine)
# Cos I, uh
# 0h, my, my, my, mY
, I'm a loser
# 0h, my, my, my, mY
(I)
# Oh, my, my, my, my, I'm a loser
# Tell me God is real
# Do you think about me still
# Or am I livin' for nothin'?
# Don't know where it went wrong, but I'll just take the hint
# It's gonna take some adjusting
# Oh, I'm such a loser, how'd I ever lose her?
# Oh, maybe I must have been out of my mind
# Now, I'm a loser Why'd I have to lose her?
# I'll never recover I'll never be fine (Oh, baby, I)
# Cos I'm a loser
# 0h, my, my, my, mY
# I'm a loser (I say)
# 0h, my, my, my, mY
# (Oh, and I say)
# I'm a loser #.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Mr Charlie Puth, and his band!
Great job, sir, come on over!
Charlie Puth!
That was so gorgeous.
Clive, Fleur, Daniel, john, Ian.
That's Charlie Puth.
Yay!
Thank you very much for that gorgeous performance.
Beautiful.
Thank you for having me.
I was here a year ago, you remember?
Yeah, with Elton john, yeah.
It's crazy how fast a year is.
It has actually flown by, hasn't it?
So listen, that song, that is from the
album, Charlie, which is out now.
The other way!
That's the album, Charlie.
Couldn't really think of another name for it.
Now, I read about it before it came out and you said, "Oh,
this is going to be a break-up album," so I was imagining quite a
boo-hoo album, but it's a very upbeat break-up album.
Well, I love musical dichotomies.
Ancl I love expressing myself musically, which
is something I believe I do best through sounds,
happy sounds and sad sounds.
But a lot of these songs were birthed off of TikTok.
Yes, so how did TikTok play a role in this
album, how did that happen?
I mean, my whole thing, I think my role on
the internet is to be the teacher, in a way.
I want to show kids and everyone of all ages that music can
be made out of anything.
Like, I used sounds of air conditioners
on that song, Loser.
You wouldn't be able to hear it because it's really
deep within the track, but it adds a lot of texture.
OK, so I think you can demonstrate this.
Oh, yes.
I've brought my laptop and tiny keyboard here.
I'm going to move my drink back.
I thought this would be better than me just chatting about it.
So music can be made from anything, even the seemingly most unmusical
thing ever.
I got in the car to ride over here and the driver turned the
car on and it sounded like this.
Ancl I recorded...
I had this idea, I recorded the start of
the engine and the tone.
I knew that there was going to be, you know when you start
your car up?
Ding, cling!
This is what the car sounded like.
RECORDING PLAYS
It's an Aston Martin!
They're all going, "We weren't in a car like that!"
Drrr...
I wasn't driving!
The Range Rover Autobiography, I feel very fancy
coming over here.
This is what it sounds like again.
So that little chime happens on all Range Rovers.
I isolated it, this is just from my phone.
The green is that, isolated.
And then...
I love music!
You do!
You can put that little chime on the keyboard.
Ancl then when you pitch it down, all it it is, you can make
music out of it.
Aw!
But what's really interesting is that a lot of car
chimes are sign zones, which is like when you curse.
What the...
LAUGHTER
That's all it is.
So how many times have you heard this on an
aeroplane?
It's the same.
So the Range Rover cling and, you know, they
are going to sue you tomorrow!
But what's great about this versatile
sound is that you can really play, you can
play a lullaby, a kind of
works with everything, too.
MASTERMIND THEME
APPLAUSE
Very good!
That was the first song, I don't know!
Brilliant, brilliant.
Very, very good.
You've made Clive very happy.
I am a happy man.
You
have
a
gig
if'
London
on
Monday
You have a gig in London on Monday night?
You have a gig in London on Monday night? Yes,
the
Colosseum.
Thank
'Nu
night? Yes, the Colosseum. Thank you for
that
performance.
Charlie
Puth,
for that performance. Charlie Puth, everybody!
Everybody'. APPLAUSE
Now, that is nearly it.
Before we go, just time for a visit to the Big Red Chair.
Who's there?
Hello!
Hi there.
Hi!
What's your name?
Jamie.
Jamie, lovely.
Where are you from, Jamie?
I'm from Texas.
And do you live here now?
Are you on holiday?
What's the story?
I live here now.
What do you do here, Jamie?
I do marketing for a beer company.
Marketing for a beer company.
OK.
Off you go with your story.
So, my dad's boyfriend called us from space on our first date.
WOW!
There's a lot to unpick.
LAUGHTER.
That's too much.
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH.
Too much!
They were just trying a bit hard.
There was a same-sex parent, there was space, a phone call...
We don't have time for this.
You open on Saturday.
OK.
I bet you that was a very good story.
I'm horrible.
I bet you that was a great story.
Sorry, Jamie!
OK.
Next up.
Hello, sir.
Hello.
Hi!
It's Jamie's clad.
What's your name, sir?
Paul
Lovely.
And where are you from, Paul?
Originally from Middlesbrough.
I've lived in Lancaster for 20 odd years.
OK.
What do you do?
I'm retired.
OK, from?
I was a teacher.
Oh, right, lovely.
What subjects did you teach?
My degree was in economics but I taught mainly PE.
OK.
LAUGHTER.
It's the easy option.
I like the way, now he's retired it's all coming out.
Stupid PE!
But no, you've still got sports on your shirt.
You are still living the dream.
Off you go with your story.
OK.
About 20 years ago, I was in Dublin on a stag do and I bumped
into this guy called Graham.
I didn't, really.
That was just...
Oh!
So, anyway, we had a really good night out and the next morning
we get up and people are saying what's gone on.
Ancl somebody asked me what time I got back to the hotel.
I said, well, I left the nightclub at about 2am,
got back to the hotel at 2:30am.
My mate looked at me and said, that's daft.
You were in the hotel disco.
I said, really?
I walked out the front door of the nightclub, got in a cab,
told him which ho tell was in.
The Irish cab-driver then went, OK, I'll take you there,
drove me round for 20 minutes, delivered me to the front
door of the hotel 20 minutes later and said,
there you go, 20 euros, mate.
Yay!
That's a good one.
Yeah, it's cheaper.
That was a great story.
OK, that really is all we've got time for.
If you'd like to have a go in that red chair yourself
and tell your story, you can.
Just contact us via our website at this very address.
Please say a huge thank-you to all of my guests tonight,
Charlie Puth, Clive Myrie, Fleur East, Daniel Craig,
john Bishop and Ian McKellen.
CH EERING AND APPLAUSE.
Join me next week with with music from First Aid Kit, Strictly
host Claudia Winkleman, chef and campaigner Jamie Oliver
and Star Trek legend George Takei.
I'll see you then.
Goodnight.
Bye-bye!