The series is over, but we're all still here, ready to take a look
back at some of my favourite bits.
So, sit back, enjoy and let's start the show!
CHEERING
This programme contains some strong language
Come and have a seat.
Oh, it's so nice to see you all.
And there's a lot to congratulate Taylor Swift about,
but the one that I feel I ought to congratulate is
the new bit of finger jewellery. The hardware upgrade? Yes!
CHEERING
Check it out.
I just like, watch it, like it's a TV. Yes.
I thought Greta was going to get out one of those things.
I was, my monocle. Make sure it's legit.
It's my favourite show other than The Paper.
Here's just a very quick reminder of the engagement announcement
that broke the internet.
What is it, 35 million likes or something that photograph got.
Oh, my God.
And is that the actual proposal?
It is, actually.
So, he really crushed it when it came to surprising me because
we had actually filmed a podcast episode.
He has a podcast called New Heights. Yeah.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Whoo! And we...
Oh! Yeah!
CHEERING
We got some Americans. We've got... Yes, fantastic.
So, we filmed the podcast for about three or four hours or whatever.
And meanwhile, behind his house,
he was having the whole back garden turned into this.
Wow! And one of the things
that he put in there, very strategically,
was a wall of hedges that weren't there before.
And inside the hedges was my tour photographer,
hiding in bushes that had not previously been there.
It was... He went all-out. Ten out of ten.
Oh, people are now going, "Oh, Jesus, I was going to propose
"this weekend. What's the point?" It's hard for everyone else.
That is amazing. Take note, men. Yeah, it's really fun
that we actually have the exact moment. Yeah! Yeah.
Well, congratulations to you.
And, Cillian Murphy, congratulations to you,
You went and won an Oscar last time out. Oh, yeah.
CHEERING
Thank you.
Last year.
Was it after that Oscar win that you then met Taylor Swift?
Yeah, we were at a party.
I had the whole gang, and my family and my kids.
I don't think my kids were legally allowed to be there, really.
I mean, I don't know, but they were delightful.
Your sons are the future of our world.
Oh, well, that's... They were such great conversationalists.
They were interesting and interested.
Like, that's the real accomplishment. Thank you.
They're here, aren't they? Yeah. One of them is here, yeah.
Yeah. Can you send... Aran, yeah.
There was one cla... I got a...
LAUGHTER
Oh, he's right there! You can tell.
Oh, my God, he is so Cillian Murphy-style!
If this was a game show, we've all just won a prize.
That was easy. And Jodie Turner-Smith,
you're unusual, I think, in that, you know that you've met
Taylor Swift, but you don't...? I don't know why everyone's saying
that I don't remember where I met her. Because we were drunk. Oh, OK.
LAUGHTER
It was at the Gold Party, and I remember that...
No, no, no, it was at Madonna's party.
Was it at Madonna's party? It was at Madonna's party.
Actually, I think it was at Beyonce's party.
I was at Beyonce's party! I didn't meet you there.
I mean... You weren't at the Beyonce party? No. ..we got to link up.
We got to get the group chat going.
This is how I know it was at Madonna's party.
DOMHNALL: I've... I've not been invited to any of these parties.
LAUGHTER
But I remember that the gossip was incredible,
but I don't remember what it was. LAUGHTER
We were having a great night. Yeah!
It was fantastic.
And, Domhnall. Hi. Hi, Graham. LAUGHTER
No, no, no, I-I... Thank you for having me here. Thank you.
CHEERING
I'll bet good money... I'll bet good money you know Cillian Murphy.
Um, not really, no.
No, no! Er, yes. Yeah, yeah. One of my...
I mean, like, maybe my third or fourth filmed job was
in a film that Cillian was the lead in, and he was...
And I met you when I was, like, 19, doing my first job,
and he's always been amazing. Yeah, an amazing actor,
an amazing person. Yeah, I met Domhnall when he was doing
a Martin McDonagh play in the West End and Broadway,
and he was, like, magnetic back then, and still is.
Back then?!
Shade!
That was very cruel! "You should have seen him then."
Cheers. Cheers. ALL: Cheers! Cheers, everybody. OK.
Yeah.
If you're wondering, tequila.
LAUGHTER
Not bad.
Now, some of you know each other.
James, I've got to ask, are you all right?
Because you injured yourself.
"Are you all right? Because you don't know anyone."
Well, there's that.
LAUGHTER
I feel like... I know you. I know you. Yeah.
And you've met the others backstage. I have. We had a lovely time.
We've discussed tequila and other things. Yeah.
Just tequila, surely. And other things. Other things.
I did get injured. Am I all right? No, I am fine.
This is the thing that's on now, King & Conqueror.
Yes. I fell off a horse.
EMILY: That's cool, look at that! Yeah.
I fell off a horse and I broke my collarbone in Iceland.
Now, I was thinking, "Oh, that must be terrible,
"to fall off a horse, quite a distance."
And then I saw a picture of you with the horse.
And you are taller than it. Yeah.
So, Iceland...
Surely a pony?
It is a pony. OK.
So, Iceland have a protective order on their horses.
You cannot import a horse, because they have this kind of
gene pool and it can't be polluted.
And so we, having committed to shoot the whole thing in Iceland -
and I was a producer on the show as well -
so we were tasked with finding the biggest Icelandic ponies
we could find, and that was the biggest we could find.
Even though it was that small, I still broke my collarbone
from falling from that great height. So, yeah.
When did it happen?
It happened at the very beginning of all the stunt sequences.
That's fun. Yeah.
Stunts, though.
If you have one of those scenes where you might get injured,
it's a good thing to schedule those at the end of the show.
DWAYNE: End of the show. Right? End of the show.
It was actually a rehearsal.
It was a rehearsal? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. OK.
Well, producers will do that.
They'll put the big stunt... Wait, but he's producing!
JAMES: It was my show. He is the producer!
LAUGHTER
I know. I learned a lot, I learned a lot.
But also, looking at that, I'm thinking, Dwayne,
never do an historical epic in Iceland,
because that pony would not survive.
No, by the way!
Does a regular horse make a noise when you get on it?
Does it genuinely go, "Ugh!"?
Who, me? Yeah. Why?
Because there's a lot of muscle mass there. "Why?"?!
I mean, a horse would be going, "Oh, Jesus, look at this."
EMILY: Oh, my God, not him!
It groans, yeah. Many things groan when I get on it.
Yeah, it does, yeah.
APPLAUSE
OK, Graham? I'm writing that down. I'm writing that down.
Thank you.
Oh, it's a welcome back to everyone.
Julia, second time on the show. Second time.
Second time. Who do you know on the couch this time? Anybody?
Um, I know Colin,
and I know Benedict,
and I know you.
And I am in awe of Ms Estefan.
Yes! I'm in awe of all of them.
CHEERING
And, actually, you worked with Benedict?
We did, yeah. Yes, August: Osage County.
Yes, you did. And were you at Wimbledon together, as well?
Well... Julia was sat next to me. OK.
Which I thought, "Oh, great, I'm between my husband and Benedict.
"This is going to be great."
But we were in a very special seating...
In the Royal Box, it was amazing. We were in the Royal Box,
which I was very excited about until I realised -
well, until Benedict pointed out to me -
that I gasp every time the ball is struck.
In the Royal Box, you're supposed to be...
It was like a scene out of Pretty Woman, it was amazing.
She was like, "Ooh!"
It was brilliant. It's impossible to be quiet
in that scenario. It's so exciting. Like, it's so exciting.
But Benedict had his tie and he was like,
he said, "Julia..."
I was like, they hit the ball...
SHE GASPS
They hit the ball again.
SHE GASPS
He's like, "Julia, really?"
It's going to happen all day, Julia.
It's going to happen a lot today.
If they're lucky. One big scream and get it out of your system.
And, Gloria Estefan, you have been in show business for 50 years.
Yes!
CHEERING
I joined the band in 1975 as Miami Latin Boys,
and then when I stuck around,
we changed the name to Miami Sound Machine.
I can't believe it. I was shocked.
But do you know what I can't believe?
I can't believe it is 40 years since we all first heard this.
MUSIC: Conga by Miami Sound Machine
# Come on, shake your body, baby Do the conga
# I know you can't control yourself any longer... #
Oh! 40 years! Wow.
COLIN SINGS ALONG
Conga is officially middle-aged.
CHEERING
It's so good. And I'm glad you knew that, Colin,
because Latin beats are important to you.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER
No, because Miami Vice... Oh, there's a cue I'm supposed to...
Yes, Miami Vice. There was a bit of salsa in Miami Vice,
and we're not talking chips.
Yeah, we saw you doing a bit of moving in Miami Vice.
Here you are.
CHEERING
I cannot remember that scene.
I think it was... I woke up 48 hours later in rehab.
APPREHENSIVE LAUGHTER
Fact.
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
You took Miami Vice too seriously.
Yeah, the mojitos were good.
48 hours later, I mean... Yes. ..they were consequential.
Yes, cut to... But, yeah. That must have been very strange,
when you went to the premiere of Miami Vice,
and there must have been big swathes of it you didn't recall.
Two thirds of the film, man.
Wow. I was like, "Don't tell me what's going to happen next!"
Yeah. But like Julia at tennis...
HE GASPS
I was the only actor who didn't... Yeah, exactly.
I had no spoiler alerts.
Cillian, you mentioned the music in this film,
the kind of '90s drum and bass. Was that...?
Because you took music very seriously. Was that your music?
I love drum and bass.
I always find it really difficult to dance to.
Do you know? There's a lot going on.
It's very... Thrashing. Yeah. It's all that polyrhythms
and I could never... I was never that guy, no.
But I did listen to it and... Yeah.
But when I say you took your music seriously,
you were in a band, and not just, you know -
and often people were in bands -
you got a five-album deal.
What? Well, yeah, technically we did, yeah.
What does that mean? I mean...
Yeah, we were kids and we...
Yeah, we got offered this record deal.
I don't know why I'm telling you!
LAUGHTER
"So enjoy your chart success.
"It could have been me."
Five albums is too long a term.
Right! Too long a term.
They'll just sign us up young for five albums.
That was part of it, because my brother's in the band
and he was only 18, my parents went, "No."
Oh, was it your parents? Because normally you would pick,
like, the first bit of success you find, you cling on to it,
but you turned it down.
Well, it was... They wouldn't let him...
They wouldn't let him ruin his life,
so they allowed me to go and potentially ruin...
But then we all just disbanded and it didn't happen.
And this was Mr Green Genes. Sons Of Mr Green Genes, yeah.
Sons Of Mr Green Genes. Yeah. So good.
We've got a picture of you here.
Now, is that the bus station in Cork? Wow.
That's the bus station in Cork City, yeah.
Oh, I thought I...
That's fantastic. You're good.
I mean, I don't know, is that building still there any more?
It is, yeah. Cork people might know. It is?
It is, yeah, yeah. Is that lovely, old...?
That, I don't know - I haven't been inside for some time.
Don't get the bus any more?
LAUGHTER
Who do you think I am?!
And, actually, talking of music, Greta, you were in a band.
Oh, really? Uh-huh.
What? No, you were. Yeah. You took music really seriously.
I did. Yeah.
Um, so, Cillian and Taylor,
I am also a musician.
Well, no, we've got an adorable... This is a picture.
I want to know more. Well, this is...
This isn't quite a radio tour, but it's kind of there.
You're very young and you're doing a gig. Mm-hm.
Is this a shopping mall you're in? Yeah. Now, here you are.
How old are you here?
Oh, my God! Yes!
I think I was...11? Wow!
And I'm singing... You can see the Vocal Power Institute.
Yes. I'm in front of Mervyn's, in a, yeah, in a mall.
That's incredible. Is it Christmas-time?
Uh, I hope so, for that man's sake.
Well, it just... It doesn't look like
there's any Christmas decorations or anything. Yeah, no.
You look like you're dressed in the French Resistance. I know!
JODIE: They're great outfit. So great outfits are...
They've been happening since a very long time, I see. Yeah.
I think I was doing a cover of New York, New York.
Which... Nice. It all makes sense.
We were in LA, it's Christmas for only one person,
and there I am, so...
Again, what...? What happened to that dream?
Uh, what do you mean? Well...
LAUGHTER
No, that's... This is what I'm doing.
LAUGHTER
Aspiring... I'm here to announce my...
..my album.
Yeah!
CHEERING
Yeah.
Bruce, you walked on there to Born To Run.
This year, I think, is that song 50 years old?
I was ten when I recorded it, so, yeah, that's right.
That's incredible, isn't it?
I was born to walk.
Jeremy Allen White, we all love you in The Bear, you know that.
CHEERING
The thing is, we have had lots of actors on the show talking about
playing real people. I don't think they've ever been on, sat next to
the real person. Yeah, yeah. This is kind of unprecedented.
How involved was Bruce during the filming?
Bruce was there, we spent a bit of time before we got started shooting.
We met here, actually, in London, for the first time,
at Wembley, I met him before a show
and we got together around New Jersey, right before filming,
and then Bruce was around, you know, on set with us.
I always feel a little guilty about that.
I go, OK, not only does this fella have to play me, he has to play me
while my stupid ass is sitting in the chair watching him.
That's awful.
Have you apologised?
But he was incredibly tolerant of me.
I'm always thankful, he was so generous of me being there
and I had a great time.
Actually, Tessa, you have a really strong connection to Bruce.
Yes, deeply. My dad went on tour with Bruce for a while
during The Seeger Sessions.
For a year, me and your pop played together. There you are.
Yeah, we went all around the world together.
Marc Anthony, and he's a fabulous musician and a great guy.
And, Jennifer, there's a slight link between you and Bruce.
Was it when you were filming Mother? Yes.
Tell us. When I was filming Mother
and I would have to do really intense scenes,
I listened to a song of yours
that would kind of bring me out of the funk.
Really? Yeah. Can you guess which song it was, Bruce?
It's not Born To Run.
OK, it would bring you OUT of the funk? Yeah. It made me really happy.
It's not Nebraska. One could even say jolly.
Waitin' On A Sunny Day?
No. No.
Shall I put you out of your misery? Yes. It was this.
# Santa Claus is coming to town
# Santa Claus is coming to town... #
SHE MOUTHS # Santa Claus is coming to town... #
That always works. That always works.
Lovely to see you all. First time, welcome to Kim Kardashian.
Hello. Thank you for having me. Lovely to see you.
I'm very happy to see that is a sitting-down dress.
Because I saw you backstage and I thought,
"Will that be a sitting-down dress?" But it's good.
I am praying that it is.
Sorry if it's not.
Yeah. So what is it? It's... We can see through it.
You can. It's by Dilara. It's like latex.
I think Sarah said it best, it's like...
It's a condom with a doily underneath it.
Beautiful. I'm wearing a couch and she's wearing a condom.
LAUGHTER
That's right. Yes! Good night out.
And now, Rachel, am I right that you
and Kim met at the Academy Museum Gala?
Gay-la? Gah-la?
We were at the same table, but... I didn't see her. No, I could...
I couldn't see anyone. Yes. Before you got onto that, let's...
So, this is Rachel. This is Rachel, who's on the host committee.
I was hosting, yes. You were on the host committee.
There's Rachel. Looking lovely.
Now, you're thinking, "Why couldn't Kim see Rachel?"
This is Kim.
Kim couldn't see anyone.
You know what? I really wanted to commit. Before I...
Before I walked out, I could see through it a little bit.
And I saw your hair and the colour of your dress,
and I knew it was you.
And then I'm like, felt so awkward going up to people like, "Hi!"
"It's me!"
SARAH: "It's Kim! Kim!"
BRYAN: The photo looks like you're in the witness-protection programme.
But still wants to do the red carpet, goddamn it.
Still looks fabulous!
I just wondered, you know, you and Robert Pattinson, in an odd way,
you share this kind of almost unique experience
where you both found enormous, early fame in big, franchise movies -
him in Twilight, you in Hunger Games -
and I wondered, did that bond you in any way or was that kind of,
"Oh, that's a thing that happened back then?"
Not rea... I think cos, like, what else? I mean, if you think...
I didn't ask him about Donald Trump
tweeting about the break-up with Kristen, obviously!
Oh, my God, is that real? Yes!
Yes! I don't remember that at all!
It was, like, three days after the photos came out with her, with...
You know, whatever. Young people make mistakes.
And Donald Trump was like, "He'd better leave her!"
"He can do better than her!"
Like, a huge rant. That's like a different kind of "I made it",
you know? Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, he wasn't President. Yeah, yeah.
We can sleep at night, erm, but...
Anyway, I brought that up. But...
No, that wasn't...
I think we bonded mostly - this is so boring - but over our kids.
When you have babies, you just want to show people videos and pictures,
you know? I know that you had him over... OK.
Did you have him over for dinner?
So not exa... So, I had my girlfriends over.
We were in our pyjamas, we were watching Little Women,
it was December.
So we were watching both versions. Right around Christmas-time.
Yes. And then he was like, "Hey, I just wrapped something, like,
"a block away from you." And I was like, oh, my God, cos Rob is
one of the girls. Like, he wants to gossip. He is just one of the gals.
So I was like, "Come over."
But he is also like...
..my daughter?
Like, he's very... He's a great father, he's a professional,
he shows up on time, but, like, I wouldn't trust he would
put a coat on, or, like, you know, he's not going to eat on time.
He really brings out a very maternal... So he comes in and I
give him a hug and he's like, "Do you have any food?
"I'm so hungry!" And I'm, like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah.
"Come in, come in." And then he goes to the bathroom and
I DO have food, but it's in the trash.
And so, while he was in the bathroom, I was just,
like, pulling food out of my garbage can
and my girlfriends were like...
..and I'm like...
And so he eats it and we're all just kind of like...
..watching him eat this trash.
And then, when he was finished, he was, like,
"I'm still hungry, is there more?"
And I'm like, "Well, there is, but it's in the garbage."
And he was like, "I don't mind."
And then he just pulled it out of the trash and he kept eating it!
He sounds like the ideal house guest! Yeah, yeah!
We must congratulate you on the success of Skims.
Yes. Yes, yes.
Because you just have that knack of marketing,
where you come up with something that someone else might
have thought of and gone, "Well, no, I'm not going to do that."
But you go, "No, I will,"
and then it just takes over the world. Like the face...
What is it called? The thing? The face...
Is it a face wrap? The face shapewear. Face shapewear? Yes.
We all need a little double-chin snatch.
So... Don't say that again.
No. No, we don't.
Mine would come up and cover my lips.
And is this your idea? It was.
And you wear it at night?
All day, Graham. Any time... Or in the day. OK. But, yeah,
I mean, I just, uh... I figured a lot of women,
they use shapewear for other body parts to hold it up,
why wouldn't you want to hold up your face?
No, it's so... I mean, hello!
Hello. Patient zero.
Uh...?
And this... There was some controversy with your thong.
What was it called? The Ultimate...
The Ultimate Bush? The Ultimate Bush. The Ultimate Bush.
We've got a selection. So many different colours.
There's a selection.
This is like a chocolate box.
A chocolate box. It's awesome.
Don't ever say chocolate box again. Don't say chocolate box.
LAUGHTER
BRYAN: Chop them up. Don't say that.
Why don't you not say chocolate box again?
OK. No! We did a whole, like... BRYAN: Wow.
.."does the carpet match the drapes?" campaign.
BRYAN: Ah.
Look, is that a yeti? That's like a clear one.
LAUGHTER
How the hell did this idea come up?
I love it. I did a photo shoot once,
and they wanted me to have...
It was like a crazy shoot,
and they wanted me to have hair in my pantyhose.
And so then, like, just to look very, like, '70s,
like a '70s bush. Yeah.
And I just thought, how do you get this...?
LAUGHTER
Like, do we cut...
Do we cut, like, our hair extensions...?
Feeling old yet, Bryan?
Oh! What?!
Wow.
How do you get your '70s bush? And so we just, like,
cut hair extensions, and put it in.
You're like... # Lililu-lu-lu
# La-la-la. #
Braid it. But again,
we're laughing, but at the same time,
people love these. RACHEL: It's awesome.
It sold out in 15 minutes.
I'm wearing one right now.
LAUGHTER
Ladies, let's give it applause, let's see! Ladies and gentlemen!
APPLAUSE
Because, in the book, you leave hospital, you go to high school,
but, as you say, it was when you went to university,
that's when you kind of... not reinvent yourself,
but just kind of wanted to become, you know...
A normal, a normal person, yes.
And did you feel - because, you know, you were so famous and known -
when you showed up at university,
did you feel that everyone had an expectation
of who Malala was going to be?
100%, but I didn't want it to be that way,
so that's why I remember, when I was packing for university,
I wanted to pack all the things
that made me look like a normal college student,
and I knew that if I wore my traditional shalwar kameez -
the Pakistani traditional outfit - I would stand out
and then people would see me as the public figure Malala.
So I wanted to wear, like, jeans and jumpers,
anything that's just, like, basic and normal.
So I went on Google,
and I looked up, like, "Casual style 2017",
and then I searched up "Selena Gomez casual".
APPLAUSE
So you googled it, so this is Selena Gomez here.
Yes. And you sent us these pictures, so that's Selena Gomez.
And this is Malala channelling Selena, there she is. Wow!
It's good. We've got another one here, this is...
Now, when I saw that, I thought, "Malala didn't wear that, did she?"
But she did, went very zippy, look at you!
There you go. Yeah. Yeah!
CHEERING
And when you were walking around Oxford,
you know, were you very aware...?
Were there paparazzi or were you getting a lot of attention?
I was aware that there are people sort of following me around.
You know, I wanted to be a normal student in college
but, of course, I knew that if...
You know, some people are just looking for some excuse
to create a whole controversy out of it,
seeing me in a club or, you know, having fun with friends.
But, yeah, then a whole controversy came out
that was quite surprising to me.
So, I was out that day for rowing,
and I was wearing skinny jeans and a bomber jacket and my headscarf.
That's where I was. There you are.
I regret going for rowing that day, of course,
because I had signed up for everything at college,
and I said, "Oh, let's try rowing, as well,
"because I want to be this active student, I want to make friends,
"I don't want those, like, lonely, high-school years."
And I realised that for rowing,
you have to be up at 5am and you need to know how to swim.
And I couldn't swim at the time.
LAUGHTER
But then, walking back from there,
somebody took a photo of me wearing skinny jeans,
and I got this call from my parents telling me
that they were really concerned
because people are criticising me for wearing jeans,
that this is not a traditional outfit,
and somehow I'm shaming the country and the culture.
But I told my parents that I'm not
in college for some pilgrimage or some,
you know, cultural representation. I'm here as a student.
And I reminded my dad that when my brothers came into this country,
they switched to the Western clothing right away -
they wear jeans and tops - but nobody criticised them.
It's only women and girls
who are being criticised, so it's not fair.
APPLAUSE
Every time that anything like that happens,
though, you just text them a photo of the Nobel Peace Prize.
LAUGHTER
As I was saying. Yeah. No comment needed.
Uh, now - it's a warm welcome back to Rosamund Pike.
The last time we were here, it was a Zoom-y thing,
and you were zooming us from a cabin.
Was it in Eastern Europe somewhere? It was my home, Graham.
LAUGHTER
XXXMAN: Wow. Shade. My home in Prague.
A cabin in Eastern Europe?
My home in Prague. It didn't... Do you have any lights?
It looked very dark...
Well, it was lockdown. It was...
We were, you know, hunkering down like the rest of the world.
GRAHAM CACKLES
Here's the thing, though. The last time you were on,
broadcasting from your beautiful home in Prague...
LAUGHTER
We all had envy.
..you went a bit... You kind of found new fame,
but in a very niche way. Oh, my gosh. Yeah.
You asked me about my family, my children speaking Chinese,
and you asked me if they'd taught me anything.
And I came up with one thing they'd taught me,
which is a Chinese proverb, I suppose you'd call it.
And apparently that clip went viral around China.
And now I am recognised as the girl
who tells fart jokes and speaks proverbs about farting.
So when I was doing the play in the summer at the National Theatre,
people would come and bring me pillows and teddy bears,
which, when I pressed the button,
would come out with this Chinese phrase...
SHE SPEAKS MANDARIN
MICHELLE LAUGHS
Loving it. She's loving it.
Wow. It hit hard.
Hit hard. She really did say... SPEAKS MANDARIN
..OK.
It was so funny Michelle let out a little fart.
LAUGHTER
More than a little fart.
Now, Jack, you have
also found international fame from a story on the show.
I mean, it's very different to Chinese proverbs,
but, yes, I do sometimes get recognised
for my appearances on The Graham Norton Show.
The last time it happened,
I was on tour in Australia and I was in an airport
with my family and a guy recognised me. He was like...
AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: .."Oh, yeah, we love you, Jack Whitehall.
"Yeah, that story you told on Graham Norton
"about not being able to flush your shit down the dunny."
NORMAL ACCENT: And he stamped my passport and let me through.
LAUGHTER
People remember that story,
and then they just come up to you and say it with,
like, no context. OK. So, Glen, the challenge is on.
Yeah. I got to throw something out there.
Do you remember when we had dinner at that place?
What was the...? With Pete.
What was the name of the place we grabbed dinner?
Dorian? Yes, Dorian. This place has one bathroom.
This is the...
This is the most awkward fan interaction I've ever had.
I go to the bathroom and, you know, sometimes, like,
you go to the bathroom and there's, like,
toilet paper already, like, on...in the bottom of the toilet.
Yeah. Right. So I'm just, like, lift up the seat,
pee, do the thing and flush.
And I realise now why there was toilet paper on there.
It just flipped all this stuff underneath it,
and I was like, "Oh, my God."
So I'm like trying to do it...
And I'm like, this is crazy. So wash my hands, leave.
And as I open the door,
there's about eight girls outside
the bathroom door and they go,
"Oh, my God, sorry, we had to meet you.
"We wanted to say hi."
And they're like... And I was like, "Are you guys going in here?"
They're like, "Yeah." And I go, "It wasn't me.
"That was like a whole other person. I didn't do that."
They're like, "What are you talking about?"
I was like, "You're going to see a whole situation.
"I just want you to know I added to it,
"but not, like, in that way."
"I just want you to know, Jack Whitehall did that."
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
He's notorious. He's notorious, this guy.
This guy. All right. Talking of music,
Song Sung Blue. Obviously it's not about
Neil Diamond, but his music is like a character.
I mean, it's so gorgeous. It's 13 of his songs in it. Wow.
And Neil knew the story of Mike and Claire really well.
And so he just gave his rights to his music for the movie.
You both spent... You both spent time with him, right?
Yeah. You did first.
Yeah, I...grew up in Colorado and he lives, like, ten minutes from
where I grew up and had never met him.
And he'd seen the movie and I was like, "Can I go see him?"
And they invited me over and we had lemonade on the porch.
There you are. There you are having lemonade on the porch.
It was so emotional because he's retired,
he's not singing any more. He's really like,
you know, living a very quiet life. And he loves this movie so much.
And he was so grateful -
which I was not expecting - and emotional about the movie.
And then we just had just, like, this lovely porch moment.
Yeah. BEN: What's that song? # "I am," I said. #
So good. Yeah. It's in there.
# To no-one there
# And no-one...
BOTH: # Not even the chair. #
Oh, very good. I want to do a duet.
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SINGING
So Kate went round and had lemonade on the porch.
Yeah. Hugh Jackman,
you sort of imposed yourself on the Diamond family.
Yeah. Well, he rang me and... Oh, did he?
He rang me after seeing the movie
with his wife, Katie, and he was crying.
And he was... He was so moved by it. He loved it.
And he just loved the story of Mike and Claire.
And so I took the opportunity - I said,
"Ah, guys, I'd love to come round and have a cuppa or something."
And they were like... Neil's like,
"OK, yeah, all right."
And then I didn't hear from Neil any more.
And Katie obviously takes her phone and goes,
"You know we're in Colorado?"
I went, "OK, yeah, no, I'd still like to come for a cuppa."
And she was like, "You... So I guess you want to stay the night."
And I'm like, "That'd be great."
LAUGHTER
And she's like, "OK".
So we went there and their son Jesse was there,
and Neil came out and he came
up to me and he grabbed me and he goes, "You did good, kid."
Aww! Aww! And he was emotional about it.
And so I stayed the night, and at dinner time, Neil Diamond -
Neil Diamond - goes, "Want to do some karaoke?"
I'm like, "Hell, yeah."
So we did karaoke. And he's...
Yes. Oh. And the first song that Neil sang...
Yeah, at one point, he put his arm around
and he kissed me on the forehead, and he sang I Dreamed A Dream.
No! And I said, "Why are you singing I Dreamed A Dream?"
And he goes, "That's such a pretty tune."
A pretty tune? And he sang it so beautifully.
And then we sang Can't Help Falling In Love With You.
And then we sang Sweet Caroline. Of course you did.
Yeah. And a funny fact about the Diamond household...
This is a true story.
Anyone who says "so good" in the Diamond household,
two other people have to say... BOTH: "So good, so good."
Took me a second to work it out. It happened to me, too.
Like, I'm sitting there, I go, "Oh, God, it was so good."
And you hear someone go, "So good, so good."
And you're like...
And then finally I was like, "Do you guys say that?"
And she's like, "Oh, yeah. Every time someone says "so good",
"It's so good, so..." Yeah.
Play that game at home, you're going to realise how often you say it.
It gets old real quick.
APPLAUSE
And, Jacinda, gorgeous to see you. Well, do you know what?
It's just lovely to have a New Zealander
on the sofa rather than on the red chair
telling a vile story. I will admit that when your
producer called, I did clarify which seat I would be in.
Yeah, it feels like it's part of National Service in New Zealand.
You must go abroad and tell a story about shitting yourself.
When you leave we check your passport.
We check that you've got a good set of yarns.
But it's something... Yeah, it's something about New Zealanders.
They do tell a good...a good yarn. They really do.
And, they, you know, they're shameless, as well.
There's that.
And, Kate, there's a kind of New Zealand connection
because you started your film career in New Zealand.
Yes, I did, I did.
The first film I ever did, when I was 17 years old,
was filmed in New Zealand, directed by Peter Jackson.
We were just backstage saying,
we're going to end up talking about Peter Jackson.
Well, we are, because before politics came a-callin',
you tried to work with Peter Jackson, didn't you, Jacinda?
I guess technically I did.
I auditioned for... Did you actually? I did audition...
JACINDA LAUGHS
Brilliant! Half of New Zealand auditioned just to be...
Just to be...
And half of New Zealand starred, except for me.
I did not get the call back. What was it? Too tall?
What was the problem? That's what I told myself.
I auditioned to be an extra, um, as a hobbit.
LAUGHTER
Because I lived... I grew up quite close to Hobbiton,
where they did all the filming.
It's not a real place. It isn't.
New Zealanders believe it exists. I also believe it exists.
Well, you're wrong. I know.
I think it would have been fun
if there was just one tall hobbit in the background.
As I recall,
they had a 5'7" little, you know, ruler against the doorway.
And as I walked in, I just...
Yeah. A little bit... A little bit of limbo.
I did a little limbo and then I got as far as the forms.
And I do remember they asked, can you ride a horse bareback?
And can you joust?
Uh, and I could ride bareback because New Zealand.
Um, but the jousting I fell shy on.
I don't remember any jousting in that film.
There wasn't.
Obviously nobody... Everyone went, "No". Just on my form.
"I needed at least two." Yeah.
Now, Alan, I have to say huge congratulations
on Celebrity Traitors.
Oh! I mean, it was amazing.
APPLAUSE
Oh, there you are.
I love that picture.
I love it.
I did some extra filming
for it and they went, "Oh, Alan, do the face."
When I put... That's my face, that's not a face.
LAUGHTER
And I knew, cos I watched the first episode
and my phone was pinging and, like, you know,
when you're in the middle aisle at Lidl,
when you're going to Greggs for the last sausage roll,
I was being...manipulated.
And I was saying to you backstage,
it's that thing, you know, you're on television a lot... Mm!
..and so you kind of think, "I am known."
But then being the star of the biggest show,
the most talked-about show, it must feel different.
Yeah. I mean, people go, "Oh, Alan, isn't he funny?"
I've been on telly for 25 years - I must have been awful!
You know the funny thing? And they never kept it in.
And I just felt really proud
just, like, outwitting all these clever people.
And Stephen Fry was at the round table and he went,
"You think... Who can the traitors be?
"Now, remember the Cambridge spies? They were flamboyant.
"They were camp. They were out there, but no-one spotted them."
And I was obviously going, "Mm, I know!"
LAUGHTER
And are you... Are you tired of it yet or are you still... Sick of it.
You say sick of it. Oh, I know what you... Yeah.
We've got a clip of you out and about in Soho.
"Oh, please don't talk to me about Celebrity Traitors."
Traitors!
Fuck you, Faithfuls.
And when it pulls back, we'll see. He's even got the lamp.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Nice to see you all. Leave the guests alone, Miriam. Sorry!
Miriam, are you paying homage to Where's Wally?
Why the scarf?
It's Arsenal! Arsenal. Oh!
CHEERING
You've heard of Arsenal? Oh, I have.
Certainly the first part.
LAUGHTER
The thing is, I want to join the working classes,
and I'm so middle class, you know? I can't help it.
But Arsenal is working class. OK.
And I thought if I support Arsenal,
you know, people will accept me.
There's nothing like a scarf over sequins to suggest working class.
THEY LAUGH
It's lovely to see you, Miriam. Glenn Close, I was saying about...
I feel like you're a frequent guest.
You haven't been here for, what, 18 years? 18 years! Yes!
What did you do to her the first time?!
Nothing bad happened, I don't think.
But now, is it true you nearly worked with Miriam?
Yes. Don't you remember?
Yes, I do. Well, it was... You phoned me.
I think it was Albert Nobbs.
Yes. Albert Nobbs, that's right. Yes. The movie Albert Nobbs
that we shot in Dublin, and I was dying for you to play
the hotel proprietor. And why didn't I? What happened? I don't know!
You would have been marvellous!
I would have loved to have done that. Yes.
It's a beautiful piece of work. Thank you.
And I really admire you.
You know, I don't admire all those people in Hollywood.
But you, I do. I don't live in Hollywood, and I never have.
You work there. You know, we all work there sometimes.
Yeah. But you're a class act, darling.
Oh, my goodness. Glenn Class, I would say.
Well, fair, yes. Right?
Glenn Class. Glenn Class.
I mean that. I mean that. Thank you. It's a first-time welcome to
Alexander Skarsgard.
Um, so, hello. Hello. Hello. And now, here's an odd thing.
I think you know Miriam.
Uh... No, you don't.
What's that about? I clearly made a strong
impression on Miriam when we met. What...
Well, I...
We have actually met, yes. Uh...
I believe you own or used to own a condo in Santa Monica.
Is that correct? I did, yes. Yes. Yes.
Were you looking to rent out a room in that at one point?
This would have been, like, almost...
When I was coming back to England, yeah. OK.
What were you doing there?
Well, I was... You were...
Because you were going back to shoot, was it Harry Potter, maybe?
Yeah, I think so. Yep. And it was an ad.
I was looking for a room to rent. I was...
And why didn't you take it? Well...
LAUGHTER
Tell her! Tell her! Uh-oh. Was it not clean or something?
No. It was incredibly... It's a gorgeous apartment
and I remember that you were very charming and I...
And expensive? No, I don't think it was that.
I think it was... I think, in hindsight, I probably
misread the cues, but I felt a strong...sexual connection.
And I think that...
Still now.
We should go. Again, it was probably...
I probably misread the cues,
but I felt this could potentially get messy
if I rent a room in this apartment.
If I'm... If I'm your tenant... Darling, I'm 84 and gay!
And I've been with my partner for 58 years.
Again, I... I probably misread the situation.
Wow. But, er... You're talking through your bottom!
But, no, it is. I was actually there
and I do remember that we had a lovely afternoon,
which you obviously don't remember, but it was, um, it was...
That bit's true, Miriam. He did spend the afternoon there.
A lovely afternoon? Yes. Nicola.
Hello! Have you nearly worked with Miriam or nearly lived with her?
LAUGHTER
Yes.
Miriam, I'm your daughter.
Wouldn't that be wonderful? Not yet. And I am your father.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Oh, my God! Happy family.
That was lovely. I'm your aunt!
Seth, before the talk show, in America,
you were very famous because of, of course, Saturday Night Live.
Yeah. There you are, doing The Weekend Update.
With my friend Amy Poehler. Amy Poehler.
Kate was on when I was on the show. Oh, my God. I was...
Can I just say, when I was on, it was absolutely terrifying. I think
it's terrifying for everybody. Am I allowed to quickly tell the story?
Yeah! Even though this is totally unplanned.
No, go. When I was on,
it was the week after Ashlee Simpson was done for lip-syncing, right?
I'm then on with Eminem, OK?
I was doing publicity for a film called Finding Neverland
at the time, and Johnny Depp and I had to miss the Wednesday rehearsal
because we had to go to Chicago and talk to Oprah. And I'm thinking,
"Oh, my God, what's the opening monologue going to be?"
I get to Wednesday night, come back from the Oprah thing, still
they're, like, "Well, we're just, you know, trying to figure it out."
I'm like, "Just, please, tell me. It's, you know,
"it's a couple of days away. Just what you going to have me do?"
The next day, I go in and they're like, "Can you sing?"
And I said, "A little, you know, ish, kind of."
"Do you dance?" I'm like, "I mean, yeah, like..." "Do you tap dance?"
I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, I do." They're like, "Perfect!"
I'm like, "So what's the opening monologue?"
"We'll get back to you."
I'm like, "Oh, my God! "Now what's happening to me?!
"This is absolutely terrible." They gave me 24 hours to learn...
# Nothing's impossible I have found for when... #
I'm tap dancing and singing fully live the week after
the whole Ashlee Simpson thing.
And also, I have to say something else -
and this is a story I've never, never told -
Eminem asked me to shave his bottom.
LAUGHTER
There's always... Mwah!
There's always like a poo, bum theme for me when I come on this show.
Was it... Was it with a hand-held razor?
Well, he did, he said, "Would you shave my butt?" And I said,
"I'm sorry, I don't... I don't do personal grooming." Like, what?!
I'm not going to go with a Bic and get your crack, love!
I was... Honestly, that's my... Never told that story before
ever in my life in public! There you go!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And can I say... Should have said yes.
Well, the door is open. No! Should have said yes.
Non, non, non, non. When she said no, I did say yes.
No, you didn't! No.
I was early in the show. I would do anything.
But here's the thing, it does sort of run
in the Cranston family, the not-liking-clothes thing.
Oh! Tell us about your uncle Bob. Oh!
Well, Bob is indeed my uncle. Yeah.
Um...
LAUGHTER
That's very good. I'd like to... High five.
That was good! Excellent. Bob's your uncle.
We should say... We should say late, late uncle. Oh.
He's my late uncle. Late uncle.
He's passed on. But he was a...a nudist. Oh!
Yeah. Uncle Bob was a nudist. And...
That's the first line of a play!
And, you know, he was...
He was in his 90s when he passed away,
and he was... Still naked. ..still naked!
And I used to go visit him - of course, in Florida,
where all nudist colonies are. Of course in Florida!
Listen, I was born in Florida, and you've never seen me naked.
LAUGHTER
You paused for a second. Like, "Wait..."
"Wait, wait, wait, wait... I think."
Yes. Not all nudists come from Florida. I think I sent
the producers a photograph or two. Wait a minute. Oh, no.
So, is this... Is this really a picture of your uncle Bob?
My real uncle Bob in a... I think I sent it somewhere.
You did. This is the picture of Uncle Bob.
No!
LAUGHTER
I can only apologise. I...
I see the resemblance. Is that real?!
I mean... Rachel said, "I see the resemblance."
I see the resemblance! It's there!
How dare you. I'm sorry. It was right there.
It's not only Bob, it's bits and bobs, isn't it?
Also...
..of all the things you've chosen to wear, you went with a hat?
Well, it was to protect him from the sun.
And I, you know... He wanted to go to the lake there
and I'd go visit him and I... He said,
"I'll bring a chair for you." And I said, "Look, Bob,
"I'm not going to go naked.
"I'm just not going to do that." Or sit on the chair!
And he brought a chair. He said, "Take that chair."
And I brought the chair and he decided... I thought we were
going to sit side by side, look at... No.
No, he comes around and the chair
I had sat about this level,
so I was like...
LAUGHTER
I'm like, "I can't..." Too good!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Excellent!
Listen, we move on to Domhnall Gleeson's latest work.
It's a very funny new sitcom. It's called The Paper.
Can I just say, Domhnall is magnetic in that show.
I just I love it. I love that, I love that show.
I want to say to you, I'm so happy it's coming back.
And his character is like... It's so good. ..the loveliest,
most romanticising character. He, like, romanticises his life.
And it's really sweet and beautiful.
And also, I don't think that you just sound American,
you seem American. Yeah, so good. Like you are American.
You have to leave... You have to leave that in the show.
Our viewer numbers are about to skyrocket.
Thank you, Taylor Swift, very, very much. Thank you.
And thank you, Cillian.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you, everybody. Thank you, Cillian.
APPLAUSE CONTINUES
He started it. Thank you.
Can I also say, it's just worth watching for
Domhnall's dancing alone.
Right? Yes, absolutely.
Yeah. I'm hoping to get in a Taylor Swift music video.
Yeah. I'm hoping. There you go. Yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And because you're here, Taylor, I've got to ask you.
Next... Is next year the wedding year?
Is that when it's happening? Oh, you'll know.
So you're going big?
I just... Meaning that I was going to invite you to it.
CHEERING
I've got to go!
If you're inviting me, it's very big.
It's huge!
LAUGHTER
I think I can see Taylor.
Well, I'm sure it'll be a fabulous day.
Are you in the middle of planning it all now?
No. I just am doing the album thing now, which is a big thing. Yes.
And then, I think the...
I think the wedding is what happens after that
in the scheme of the planning.
But... But I'm really... I'm, you know, I'm so excited about it.
I'm just like... I know it's going to be fun to plan,
because I think the only stressful weddings are
the ones where you have a small amount
and people are on the bubble. Yeah. Right?
Yes. And you have to evaluate or assess your relationship
with them to see if they should be there.
Yeah. I'm not going to do that. OK!
This is why you're invited. Anyone I've ever talked to...
Thanks, Greta! Yeah. "There's no bubble.
"You'll be there."
LAUGHTER
I'll take it. No, it's like,
"Oh, we have to have hung out eight times."
It's, like, you're on the bubble.
Yeah. We've hung out five times. We don't have to think about it.
It's going to be fun. I shouldn't have said any of that.
Well, listen, seriously, we just wish you all the best.
Thank you so much. And have a lovely, lovely day. Thanks.
Ladies and gentlemen, Taylor Swift! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE