Tonight.
Two action heroes together
at last.
It's Schwarzenegger versus
Dench
Judy.
Hasta la vista, baby.
I'll be back.
Go.
Welcome to the show.
D
Oh, and so you should be,
we have three reasons to
celebrate.
Ladies and gentlemen.
It's the end of half term.
The kids are returning to
school.
The clocks go back this weekend.
We get an extra hour in bed
and Halloween is just around
the corner and all the family
can dress up.
He's a good boy.
Halloween dogs.
Lovely.
Hey, we've got a scarily
good sofa for you tonight.
A classic pop, top comedy,
inspirational life lessons.
A movie mega star and
a dame at the top of her
game.
So let's get some.
He's not just one of our
top stand ups.
He's also an actor who most
recently starred in the groundbreaking
psychological drama, Clifford,
The Big Red Dog.
It is Jack Wall.
Yeah.
He's an inspirational community
worker, furniture craftsman
and host of the Bafta Award
winning the repair shop.
It's a first time.
Welcome to Mr JB.
Yeah,
either
she is an Oscar winning
star on stage and screen
and we simply couldn't love
her anymore.
It's always a pleasure to
welcome Dame Judy
Dench.
Got you.
Yeah,
he's a body building champion,
a political powerhouse and
a true movie icon.
Now teaching us the seven
ways to be useful.
It's the mighty Arnold
Schwartz
have a seat.
Everybody do.
Lovely to see you
all.
Is there a world in which
Dame Judy and Arnold Schwarzenegger
have met before?
Have you met before?
We've not met before?
No, but I mean, I've been
admiring her on a big screen.
I mean, this is like, uh,
as a, in the beginning, I
have to say I was
somewhat, uh,
jealous because I
said to myself, I mean, here
comes this woman and all
of a sudden she's doing all
this huge action movies.
What is going on here, right?
But I mean, I love her and,
uh, it's, it's, we have some
things in common and between
the two of us we have, uh,
had, uh, eight Oscar
nominations and uh, one
Oscar and,
uh, like unbelievable.
She's never out of the gym,
although they were all hers.
But, uh, anyway, so this
is really great.
It's great to see you.
It's great to be here with
you.
You really know how to bring
people together.
What this is.
I mean, that they have Jack
here and then they have,
uh, Jay here and I mean that
I cannot wait to
talk to you about my clock
that I want you to find
really wonderful.
That's Jay's life.
Now, this is broken
because uh of course, Judy
and Jay, you know each other.
Yeah, we do know each other.
Yeah, we've known each other
for years.
But, but through the show,
yeah, through the show, um
uh Dane came on um to have
something repaired and we
did that for Edinburgh um
Film Festival and it
was, um that was a real joy
and then we've just hit it
off ever since.
Been up her ass to have a
spot of dinner and all that
kind of stuff.
Um Yeah, it was nice.
Yeah.
What did she give you?
What did the dame cook?
Oh, I'll tell you what it
was.
It was the cook.
Couple of questions.
Never been asked.
No, we had a lovely, we had
a, we had something really
gorgeous.
Did the dame get in a delivery
to cut out the dame
and Jack and Judy?
You have a connection?
Yeah, we have a connection
because my dad
was an agent and in
the eighties for about
five minutes was Judy's
agent.
That's right.
It was Michael's agent.
Michael's agent.
Oh, yes, Mikey's agent.
Yeah.
We've had holidays with your
dad.
Yes.
We all used to go on holidays
together.
Wow.
And, and Judy actually holds
a very significant place
in my origin story
because my, my parents tell
this story.
It was like, I think one
of the first times they'd
ever met and my mum was a
young actress and she'd gone
in to meet my dad who was
an agent and she was very
nervous and she was in his
office and my dad said that
he realized that he'd shut
the door behind him when
he'd gone into the room.
And he didn't want to give
off the wrong impression
and didn't want this young
to get the wrong end of the
stick.
So he said he went over to
the door to open the door
just to put her at ease.
And as he opened the door,
Judy walked past and looked
in and saw my dad and then
saw this young actress, my
mother in her little mini
skirt and her pixie boots.
And apparently you turned
to my dad and you said, Michael,
you dirty old bugger
sounds about right.
Uh
Listen, we've got so much
to talk about tonight.
So let's get going.
Uh We're gonna kick off with
Arnold Schwarz's latest book.
I've got it here.
It is called uh Be
Useful.
Uh Seven Tools For
Life.
It is out now
and these rules, I mean,
they absolutely make sense,
you know, things like have
a clear vision, uh work
your ass off and everything
small, all these things and
don't listen to the naysayers.
I mean, you really had to
bring that into play when
you decided you didn't just
want to be an actor.
You wanted to be a movie
star.
Well, first of all,
you can imagine when you
have big dreams
people always say this guy
is crazy.
And even my parents thought
that that was kind of out
of my mind, right?
When they said I want to
be a bodybuilding champion.
They said, well, we understand
if you want to be a ski champion,
we're in Austria, but you
don't want to be a bodybuilding
champion.
That's an American sport.
I mean, what are you doing
that for?
I mean, you're crazy.
And so they said, no, it
can't be done.
And the people around me
said, no, it can be done.
And it's impossible.
Then when I wanted to go
into acting, it was the same
thing.
They said it would never
happen.
He says there is no one that
ever had an accent,
a German accent and they
became an international
leading man in
movies.
It won't happen.
The American people don't
accept it.
Other people don't accept
it.
So forget about it.
Plus your body, look at you,
you weigh £250.
I mean, this is now the seventies,
that's not the sixties where
they made Hercules movies.
Now it's Dustin Hoffman
and it is uh Al Pacino
and uh Woody Allen.
Those are the sex symbols
of the, of the,
it was like uh you know,
so I, I and the name
Schwarzen Schnitzel, whatever
they said to me that that's
the wrong of the name.
No one would be able to pronounce
that.
So it was no, no, no.
And so I didn't listen.
Luckily I learned from
bodybuilding.
I didn't listen to the naysayers.
I, I had my very clear vision
to be another Clint Eastwood,
one, another Charles Brown.
And those were the two big
action heroes at that time
that made a million dollars
a movie.
That was the, the top salary
in the seventies.
And so I said to myself,
well, why can I not be up
there on that ladder with
them?
You know, and so they said
you would never be able to
climb that ladder.
And I said, ok, then I'm
gonna create my own ladder
and climb that.
And so that's what I did.
Yeah, I know
we do.
Did you ever think?
Oh, I can lose my, my
accent.
I can sound like an American.
Well, you know,
I did not
really have
that talent, you
know.
So even though I had an
English coach and an
acting coach and a, a
speech coach and an
accent removal
coach, wow, who,
who has passed away
since then?
But I mean, uh, you know,
I should have otherwise gotten
my money back.
The, the, the bottom line
is I worked on it, you know,
I remember that when, when
he said he says, you know,
you always say three,
three, it is three
with t so he let
me say
3000,
333 and
one third with the th and
not with the s right?
But I mean,
after
5000 years,
thousands of reps on it,
you know, and I remember
we get confused with the
Fs and the V and the
w you know, that we would
say, you know, this is a
nice vine, but it's
actually wine, right?
So, so the, the guy had me
say is a fine
wine grows on a
vine.
So now I ran around with
that then, for instance,
you know, he said to me,
he says, I know you have
to also learn how to, they
say the vibrating Z.
We don't have that in German.
So he said the zinc
is made out of
zinc.
So I was saying that's just
things like that.
I was saying things over
and over again, you know,
it was, it was very helpful
but it didn't get rid of
my accent, right?
But the funny thing is all
of the stuff that they said
the Hollywood producers and
the directors and artists
geniuses.
They were saying that this
is an obstacle for me to
become a leading man
became an asset
because when I did
Conan the barbarian,
John Milius, the director
said to the press, if we
wouldn't have had Schwarzenegger,
we would have had to build
one because I was the
only one that had the muscles
to play that character the
way Frank Fresta painted
the way Robert E Howard has
written about it.
So the bottom line was here
was a big blast.
Over said in my body.
And then when they did Terminator
Jim Cameron said, what made
Terminator work and why it
became successful was because
Schwarzenegger talks like
a machine.
So I don't know
the original line in the
movie as well was I want
your clothes, your boots
and your zinc sink.
That's right.
It was the original one.
Yeah.
And, and Jack Whitehall,
am I right?
You are using some of, um,
Arnie's tools for life.
Of course.
Yes.
I've experienced naysayers
as well.
In fact, I've, I've started
reading the book and it's
amazing and I read the training
regime and you say you get
up at 5 a.m.
you have a coffee, you feed
your animals, the dog, the,
the pony, you have a, a
donkey and a pig, the
pig, three dogs.
And then you get on your
bike and then you go to the
gym and you train for
45 minutes every day.
And that's Arnold's like
morning regime.
And I was like, you know
what I want the show with
Arnold tonight.
I'm going to do like today
is gonna be the first day.
Don't think about it, do
it.
So I got up at five ami had
the coffee.
I fed my dog.
I'm not gonna lie.
At that point.
I live in Notting Hill.
It took me so long to find
a donkey, a pig
and a pony.
By the time I got to the
gym I had time for like five
minutes on the treadmill.
So I'm gonna try again tomorrow.
I love that.
We gotta talk about Snelly.
Pelly.
Snelly and, and the word
snel means fast.
And so the reason why we
gave him the name was because
we, we didn't realize that
the pig can run that
fast.
He was faster than the dogs.
I've never seen anything
like this.
Like when I called him, I
said, Nelly, it
was like, but he
runs from way out
there in the field in our
property.
He runs in within
seconds, he's there.
I mean, because when I call
him and in the beginning
I didn't even know what to
call him.
I just, uh, I just called
him pig.
You know,
SMD, you come over but as
soon as you call him, he
thinks he gets food.
So this is why they are so
fast because they're really
into food.
You're eating all the time.
This is what this.
So he said we should call
him Snelly.
I said, because he's so fast.
And I said, that's how I
got the name.
So he's a really great
entertainer.
You got a picture of Shelley?
Have you got a picture of
Snelly
playing chess?
I was trying to, there was
a move that I didn't quite
know how to make.
So I said to myself, you
know, maybe Snelly knows
a little bit more and he
would shake his head.
You know, if you ask him
a question.
I love that you've got special
steps for Snelly to get up
on the side.
But the funny thing is I
got the steps because I
always saw him being hesitant,
getting up there.
And then when I put the steps
there, he walked by the steps
and then he jumped up
because he got the message
that I want him to be on
the couch.
But I mean, you know, he's
really, he jumps well
and uh and he grunts all
the time.
You know, they, they are
very communicative.
They, they communicate all
the time.
It like
it just running around like
crazy and, and Arnie, no
one can argue with these
seven rules because they
have led to your enormous
success, you know, as a,
as a body build, as a movie
star, as a politician.
And obviously that was another
big success in your life.
But I wondered how do you
use the seven
tools when you
come up against a kind of
a brick wall?
Like you cannot become the
president of the United States
because of the way the rules
are written.
Do the
constitution
many rules?
How do these help you
cope with that frustration?
Well, I'm not frustrated
about that because I feel
as, you know,
I've been on this show now
three times.
This is, is this the third
time or the fourth time?
Fourth time?
I thought, I thought this
was a record.
And of course, he told me,
he says, no, you have been
on this 20
times or something.
Jack's hosted it.
You have been on many, many
times, but for the first
time, first time, ok, so
I still have a little bit.
Thank God
competitive.
No, but we, we talked about
that, that I'm a positive
person.
And uh to me,
everything that I've accomplished
is because of America.
And so I am not going to
go and worry about the one
job I can't do, which is
to run for president.
So I'm not going to complain
about that.
And I'm absolutely perfectly
fine with that.
And they know the
politicians that I
am a public servant.
They don't care who wins.
If it is a Democrat or a
Republican winning, I will
be there to help in any case.
So I will always be there
because to me, my goal
now is to make life better
for people to make the world
a better place, a safer place
and to fight the environmental
issues if I had health care
issues and education
issues and all that stuff.
So I am always ready to work
and to do things for America.
So I don't need
to be president.
I'm perfectly fine with that.
Ok.
Very good.
Well, while Mr
Schwarzenegger is looking
to the future, uh Judi
Dench is looking back on
her life uh with the
Bard, uh this is her
new book, it's
Shakespeare, the man who
pays the rent
and uh it's out
now and I mean, you've
played so much roles in
Shakespeare and in the book,
you tell a story about a
delivery man who, who
came to your house and he'd,
he'd seen you in something.
Yes, I do have a story
about a delivery man who
came to the door once when
we were in Hampstead and
with a parcel and said, um,
and I said, oh,
I know you.
I said, oh really?
He said, yeah, yeah.
Uh yes.
Stratford and Avon.
I said yes.
Yes.
The winter's tale.
No, no, he said no, I said
was it much ado?
No, no.
Was it Macbeth?
No, no, no.
Oh, it was the Mayflower
Restaurant.
It's the way you eat.
Oh,
but you've now found, you've
now found a way of
enjoying uh
deliveries at your
house.
Uh Tell us what you do when
parcels are delivered.
When a parcel arrives.
I have to somehow
use the packing of whatever
it is.
I can, I can't explain to
you, but things are very,
very nicely packed these
days in all sorts of things
and we can't resist it.
Well, uh here are some examples
of uh De Jones using a
packaging.
Here you are.
Uh
it's a nice, it's a nice,
it's a nice hat.
This one, this one I think
is, is very flamboyant
if only if only
I had, I love it.
And in the book, in the book,
you have these conversations
with actor director uh Brendan
o'hayer, but the
title, the man who pays the
rent, you came up with that.
Well, it, yes, it's because
uh when I met Michael, my
husband, we, we were in
both companies, both
Shakespeare companies and
we did Shakespeare for something
like four years each of us.
So he literally was Shakespeare,
the man who paid the rent.
Yeah.
Um my dad was the man who
takes 10% of the rent.
Yeah.
Have you?
So of course,
and the thing about this
because you know, you're
an actor, you've been in
a lot of Shakespeare plays,
but this is more than someone
who's been in
plays.
I mean, you know, so
much about Shakespeare.
Were you surprised that you
knew as much as you do about
Shakespeare?
That again is Brendan, that
was Brendan?
Oh, hey, an actor who I,
I met at the, the, the
national and whose idea it
was to come down?
He said, why don't I just
come down and, and uh
record you talking
about all the plays you,
I don't think it was a book
intended.
Maybe, I don't know, you'd
have to ask him.
Um But then, you know,
suddenly things, he,
I remembered things and
uh it sparked off a whole
lot of memories and, and
he of course fed
them and he was, he was simply
wonderful about it and it
was a great pleasure to do
it because we didn't, I didn't
think a book was at the end
of it, I just thought it
was glorious conversations,
get us out of COVID
in terms of the amount of
Shakespeare roles you've
played.
How much
Shakespeare is
constantly in your head.
How much Shakespeare do you
carry around?
It is all of us.
Of course, we don't, you
know, we don't realize Graham
as you know, we
quote Shakespeare all the
time perhaps without knowing
it.
But I mean, also you
only have to go to those
plays and, and be
in any kind of those situations,
being in love or being jealous
or being angry or
being whatever
and you will find that he,
there is a way of him summing
up that he's
completely
sufficient for, for
what your emotion is.
What passage is on your mind.
Now, Graham, well, uh
I was just on the tip of
your tongue.
All occasions.
Do inform against me.
Do you
show me the card?
Show me the card?
I
don't know where that came
from.
Big Judy.
Um uh
if I mean, if I poke you
with a stick, can you just
do a bit of Shakespeare for
us?
If you, if you what with
a stick,
you with a stick, you gently,
if I touch you gently with
a stick, could you do a little
bit for us?
Like what?
I, I don't know, like a bit
of a play or a sonnet sonnet,
a sonnet sonnet, I'll do
a Sonnet.
It's like as having a Shakespeare
jukebox.
Um um
when in disgrace with fortune
and men's eyes,
I all alone be weep my
outcast state
and trouble deaf heaven with
my bootless cries and look
upon myself and curse my
fate.
Wishing me like to one more
rich in hope
featured like
him, like him with friends
possessed,
desiring this man's
art and that man's
scope with what
I most enjoy.
Contented.
Least
yet in these thoughts myself
almost despising
happily.
I think on the,
and then my state
like to the lark at break
of day, arising
from Sullen Earth
sings hymns at
heaven's gate
for thy sweet love.
Remembered
such wealth
brings
that.
Then I scorn to change my
state with kings.
Oh, wow,
that's thank you.
That is spelled like little.
Really?
It's gorgeous.
Unbelievable.
I know.
Unbelievable.
I mean, there, there's more
dialogue in the head and
all my movies all together.
Could you now do it?
I'll be back
answer today.
But you did do a
little bit of Shakespeare
in a, in a film.
Yes, it was in last action
hero.
Yes.
Exactly.
Yes.
You gave a bit of Hamlet.
I believe that's right.
Do you, do you remember what
you did?
I think it was to be or not
to be.
And then I added the line
Not to be and we blew up
the castle in.
And uh and Judy, you talk
about how you, you sort of,
you wrote the book through
talking to Brendan,
he wrote the book.
Ok.
But you, you spoke great
chunks of it.
Well, we had a con, they're
just conversation.
It's a bit one sided Julia,
to be honest, it's mostly,
but it shouldn't be, it
shouldn't be
Jay when it comes to read
your books.
You also, you speak them.
I speak them.
Yeah, because I, I'm, I'm
not good at writing, not
good at reading.
Um, so all of my books, all
three of them, I've spoke
to someone and he just writes
them.
So it's, it's, it's basically
what the way he does it is.
He writes what I say and
he puts it into a sentence.
So a lot of the books that
I do, it sounds as if I'm
talking, he's done it
brilliantly because it really
does sound like you're talking.
I mean, there's, you know,
there's some swearing, there's
swearing in there.
Yeah.
Apologize for that.
I've got a bit in mind
and so this is Jay's book.
Uh This is uh life lessons.
It's out now uh wisdom
and wit from
life's ups and downs.
Uh Now these are lessons
that you've learned in your,
your life and like by anybody
stretching the budget, it
has been a challenging life.
Yeah.
My life has been very, very
challenging.
I mean, it's unbelievable
even just writing it down,
even being here.
I'm sitting on the, so this
is quite amazing.
Like you've got look at this
and I'm sitting here.
It's unbelievable the
things that I've done in
the time that I've done it,
it's just been phenomenal
and then looking back at
the beginning of my life
and then the charity stuff
and then all of the mistakes
I've made, I've kind of put
them into a book and just
basically said these are
the life lessons that I've
learned along the way because,
I mean, I knew you had a
very, very tough childhood
and early life.
I didn't realize that as
recently as 2015 there was
a real low in your life.
Yeah, I think in 2015,
um, everything could flop
for me to charities.
I was running and then the
relationship of the marriage
I was in, it just went to
pot and my mission was
basically to drive up the
motorway and find a bridge
and just crash into it.
That was it.
Um, my naivety didn't tell
me that every bridge has
a barrier around it.
Um, so basically I wasn't
successful, ended up in
Wolverhampton, sat in a car
park for about a week.
Um, then came out, um,
smelt really, really badly.
So I decided to go and have
a wash.
Um, when I came back to the
hotel, there was five people
waiting for me, there was
two police officers and like
three kind of like psychiatric
nurses and they done a questionnaire
for me and what have you.
Um, and it was only when
they said to me, we don't
have to section him.
And then I was looking and
thinking, well, who are you
sectioning?
Um, because I've worked in
that industry before and
then they said, well, we
don't have to section you.
We believe that he was gonna
be a harm to yourself and
others and so on and so forth.
So they left me alone and
then, um,
mhm.
He left me alone and then
a young gentleman and he's
here.
I don't know where he is
in the audience.
And I'm glad, I don't know
where he is in the audience.
Um But there's a gentleman
who came and said
to me that he's gonna take
me under his wing.
Um
And it's the first time that
I ever cried in front of
another man.
I mean, I cried as if I hadn't
cried for 45 years and it
was just like nonstop
and, and, and the thing that
he said to me, which was
just like it was mind
boggling.
And I still remember it to
this day.
I remember him saying to
me like, oh, I've got a job
for you and I thought this
is the weirdest job interview
I've ever had.
I stink from high heaven
haven't watched in a week
and I'm crying my eyes out
and then he just took me
to his offices to talk about
a community project that
he had.
But he did say something
to me.
He said I'm gonna look after
you onto your back, on your
feet.
And still, to this day I
still live.
Um.
Mhm.
I think he is in the audience.
Sarah.
So, basically you, you stayed
with it.
Yeah.
Um, I
stayed with him for,
I, well, I
stayed with him for two weeks
and, um, then he put me to
live with his mum and his
stepdad and, um, they've
looked after me like you
wouldn't believe.
And he said he would look
after me until I'm back on
my feet.
I've done a few things.
I've been quite successful
and he still has me in his
fold.
Um It's um what, what a
beautiful, generous,
amazing thing to have done.
What, what, what's your,
what's your name, sir?
Uh Je Bailey right across
there.
Uh Gorgeous.
Everyone should be so lucky.
Yeah.
No, it's um it's, and I,
I am really, really lucky.
There's people that I've
met that I'm just um I'm
over the moon with and
having someone like Gerald
in my corner has just been
phenomenal.
I think the, the, the comfort
that they've given me and
the kind of secure blanket
of a family and a community
up there in Wolverhampton
has just allowed me to just
fly cos you have to think,
I think 2000 15, I was looking
for that bridge.
2015 to
16.
I went through therapy.
Then I started filming, I
think 2017, the repair
shop come and then it's just
like, whoa, it's, it's
phenomenal.
I mean, it's crazy.
It's such a happy happy
ending.
The repair shop.
I don't.
Arnie, are you aware of the
repair shop?
What it is?
I'm, we are because I
was try to find out
who are the guests?
Ok.
II, I heard from
various different people
that loved your show
and, uh, the work that you
do and teaching the kids
and, and all that.
And uh I said to myself right
away, wait a minute, I
have a clock at
home.
That's true.
So, so,
so in, in, in
1968 when I moved to
America, uh there was this
unbelievable thing, you know,
and by the way, what he was
talking about is there's
no such thing as a self
made man
because we all get help from
somebody.
And this is why, what you
just said really touches
my heart because it's so
true that we all get
help.
And this is the only way
we can make it if we get
that help, you know, from
everybody.
I, I remember in
1968 when I moved to America,
there were these bodybuilders,
they didn't even know me.
They just got to know me
in the gym.
And then all of a sudden
it was Thanksgiving Day
and I did not even know what
Thanksgiving Day was.
Right?
And so the next thing I know
is they came over to my apartment
and they started bringing
me silverware and
dishes and, uh,
bed sheets
and a black and white
TV, with the antenna, the
old antenna sticking out
and all that.
And one woman
brought me a
wooden kind
of, uh, that you put
on the table, a clock, an
alarm clock
and, uh, you know, that plays
music and this has a
radio in it and all that
stuff.
And, uh, so, but now I have
had this still on my end
table, but it doesn't work
quite well anymore.
So it's kind of a
brilliant sales but the
you can come, you can come
the light inside is, is
dim.
So there's pride.
So gonna be Arnold Schwarzenegger
kicking down the doors the
and uh and do your show,
I'm gonna deliver my
radio, my old 55
year old radio.
They will do it, do it.
Yeah.
No, I deliver that.
Come with it.
You have to come with you.
What's the matter with you?
And then I know that everyone
that always gets the, the
items back, their clocks
or their watches.
If it's the royal family
or whoever it is famous and
not so famous, everyone always
cries that because everyone
is emotionally attached to
my, if it's your father's
watch or your grandfather's
pocket watches, whatever.
And then people cry,
you cry.
I said to myself, I'm gonna
go there with my Terminator
glass.
No one sees me cry.
When I get this class.
It is weird because on
paper you would think, oh,
you're just fixing things.
Why is anyone crying?
But it is so emotional when
you were you
surprised at how emotional
people get?
I was, I wasn't really surprised
at how I think it came to
me when we done the first
one.
I think it was 2017, we was
filming, it was really, really
cold and I remember there
was a lady brought in a piano
sta and basically she said
to me because my kind of
trademark is just to paint
one leg pink.
Um So she said to me before
she was leaving, she was
cracking a joke.
Jay don't paint the leg pink.
I don't want it to be pink.
I want it to be left as it
is.
And I was like, OK, no problem.
So when she came back in
me and will we had it covered
over, there was a cloth over
the actual piano store and
she was saying, like, I hope
haven't painted this pink
and da da, da, da da, she
was really going into one.
So I said, all right, you're
gonna see it.
And as soon as we lifted
it up, she put her hand on
it and she just started crying.
It was just really phenomenal.
It was something that I never
had experienced before in
my life.
And I, I said to, will just
go over and hug her.
And that's when I turned
to the director after and
I said this show is really
gonna be powerful, Judy.
Were you a fan of the repair
shop before you went on it?
Oh, yes.
We've been fans since it
kind of began and
then we went on it and I
got Michael's watch back
in.
I didn't,
it was so, it's very,
very special.
I absolutely, people
crying.
I had to ban it in my house.
Really?
Yeah, I, I love it.
I love repair shops so much
but because it's so emotional.
Well, because my problem
is you mentioned that you're
not a big crier.
I am a very big crier
like
anything and everything like
funerals, weddings.
I cried the other day at
an episode of tipping point.
Wow.
Quite bad.
It's really bad.
Ok.
And so I, you know, to
give it some context as well
seven weeks ago.
Um my girlfriend just gave
birth to a little baby girl.
Go on.
Uh, no, it,
it's not mine but, but
that's not.
Yeah, she is, we, we, we,
we think she is.
No, no, we think she is
daughter anyway.
So I'm watching this episode
of tipping point and it was
a couple of weeks before
the baby was due.
And I'm watching this episode
and it was about this woman
that was trying to win the
jackpot so she could pay
for a flight to see her sister
in You Zealand.
And I honestly, I'm watching
it and she wins the jackpot
and I'm like Paul Gascoyne
and Natalia 90 just
water works like
undignified levels of crying.
And then I had this awful
thought it was like if I'm
crying at an episode of
tipping point and then I
don't cry at the birth of
my daughter, I am a
monster and I
was like in my head.
So I was like, I can't watch
anything emotional.
I need to be careful about
what I watch on TV.
Obviously, in the end, I
had nothing to worry about.
Cos my my baby girl arrived
and I was just like it was
like the most emotional episode
of repair shop
to to the power of
Mufasa dying in Lion King
handed this baby and the
bomb was like instant.
Um Even though when they
first come out as well, sorry,
the the no one warned me
of that.
That when the baby first
comes out, they, they don't
like, how can I put this
in a nice way?
They, they look, they look
a bit odd like they, no,
she looks amazing now and
she's so beautiful.
But like when they first
come out of the oven, they
don't look Star Baker quality.
And I was hand in this little
thing and I was like, oh
my God, I think maybe it
needs to go back in the oven
at a lot of he bring it to
us and they're all in your
face.
The nurse is like, oh, do
you think she looks like
daddy or mummy?
I'm like right now, all I'm
getting is Wayne Rooney and
it was, it was very emotional.
So now I, I can watch, I
can watch it.
So Elsie, Elsie, Elsie, seven
weeks old and was Elsie always
the name you were gonna go
for?
Uh no, no, to be fair.
It was a little bit of a
battle.
There was Elsie
Roxy's choice of name.
Roxy's choice of name was
no, it was also my um choice
of name.
I basically had a month
before the baby arrived
where there was a lot me
trying to spike inappropriate
name suggestions of
Roxy's no good.
Uh Well, there was one, this
was like a couple of weeks
before baby arrived and she
came into the bedroom, Roxy
and she was like, ok, I was
thinking if it's a girl,
Phoenix, I was
thinking over my dead body
and she was like, why Phoenix
is, is a cute name.
It's a sweet name.
I was like, I think Phoenix
sounds like a stripper name.
And she went, how would you
know that?
I was like, um I don't know,
I've never been to a stripper,
but we should probably do
some due diligence if we're
gonna call our child this
name.
So I was like, can we Google
it please?
She was like, Google what
I was like, I don't know,
type in top 10 stripper
names.
So then we had this weird
moment we were at home, she's
got all the baby name books
out and I'm on Google typing
in top 10 stripper name.
There is a website with the
top 10 stripper names and
to be fair to her, Phoenix
was not on it.
Do you know what number one
was?
Roxy?
That I, I,
you don't wanna see, you
don't wanna see.
She'll want me to add that.
She's, she's called Roxy
Cos, her dad named her after
his favorite song, which
is actually quite sweet.
She, she also suggested that
she was like, we could go
that route.
I was like, we are not calling
our kid member number five.
Not happening as luck would
have it.
Uh You know, a new baby at
home daddy on
tour.
Coincidence.
Yeah, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm
still on tour.
Yeah, this is the sort of
the third leg of the tour.
I, I did some shows at the
beginning of the year and
then in the summer and I've
extended it and I'm doing
a couple more shows around
the UK and finishing up in
Wembley in December.
I know, settle down as the
name of the tour.
And you started this tour
before Elsie.
Yes.
So has it changed a lot since
Elsie arrived?
Uh Yes, there's been a bit
of a mad kick Bollock scramble
to rewrite it and add in
some new material about um
Elsie's arrival, which I
always feel, I always feel
a bit guilty about, you know,
I was doing jokes about her
before she'd even arrived
and I was like, this poor
child isn't, doesn't even
exist yet.
And I'm already making, uh,
you know, punch lines about
her in the set.
But I guess that's the problem
with, uh, you know, having
a comedian as a dad.
That'll be it.
And, uh, we're talking a
lot tonight about kind of
life advice and things that
have you had a lot of advice
from parents, the vast
majority of parents that
you ask, I found there's
like no middle ground when
you're, you know, talking
to parents about having kids.
Like one end of the spectrum.
You have parents that talk
to you about like having
a child with this like demented
enthusiasm.
You're like, oh the miracle
of childbirth, like they're
the only people to have ever
done it.
You know, you've got to get
one, it's gonna change your
life.
I always say that like people
with air fryers
and then you've got that
end of the spectrum and then
in the other end of the spectrum,
you've got those parents
that talk to you.
Like they're like Vietnam
war veterans and they're
like 1000 yard stare and
they're covered in baby sitting
and I don't do it, man.
And I had one of them.
I had one of the, like the,
the non vet parents at a
wedding.
I was sat next to her at
a wedding and she was she
was quite drunk and she just
launched into me with a load
of like uninvited life advice.
She was like, you need to
make the most of your life
while you can cos I'm gonna
tell you what's gonna happen.
Jack is you gonna get married
and then you're gonna have
a baby and your
life is gonna be
over.
I was like, thanks for the
pep talk mum.
Bye.
Just gonna go to the dance
floor now and give you a
little bit of time to yourself.
Uh Very greatly, Jack, we've
got to mention uh bad education
Christmas special uh Leighton
Williams was here last week.
How talented is he?
So this is full musical,
all singing, all dancing.
Uh Christmas special.
Leighton is very much the
star of the show.
I don't know why I'm in the
middle of the picture.
I have a fleeting cameo.
Yeah, that's coming out on
the BBC at Christmas.
And you've just started filming
a new documentary,
Fatherhood,
Fatherhood with my father,
my father.
Oh, I thought I was fatherhood
with my father flogging the
dead horse with my father.
No.
Uh The uh
yes, I'm doing a documentary
about fatherhood.
Um And yes, and who's
that for?
That's for Netflix.
So I'm doing four episodes
for Netflix and it's a sort
of documentary where I discover
um you know, everything there
is to know about parenting
and being a father.
What is the main thing that
you've learned since you
have a child now?
Oh, no, I, I, well, I, I
don't, I'm at the beginning
of this journey.
Can I throw it back to you?
What advice would you give
me?
Put that, cook it down?
Ok.
I, I think that the, the
important thing,
my wife and I, we kind of
split up the responsibilities.
She was in charge of
education and of
making them really good human
beings.
And, uh, I'll
let my girlfriend take that
one, but I was in charge
of the discipline.
And, uh, so I made the kids
to, you know, I taught them
how to turn off the lights
when they leave the room.
Uh, not to waste water because,
you know, we have droughts
in California, um, how to
wash their own clothes.
By the time they were like
56 years old, they had to
wash their own clothes and
their bed sheets and make
their, make their own beds.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
And, uh, so I taught them
how to do that.
Uh, my wife did not know
how to do that but I mean,
it doesn't matter,
I know how to do that.
And, and because I lived
long enough by myself, it's,
I always wash my own clothes.
I also learned in the military,
how to iron out to so on
buttons and how to sew things
and stuff like that.
So I kind of
used all of that
and when we went skiing,
um, you know, my, my, my
kids started crying after
one round and they said,
can we get hot chocolate
and it'll be a cold?
And I said, there will be
no hot chocolate.
I said we're gonna do four
runs and then after four
runs, there will be hot chocolate.
So we were out there for
an hour and a half, we were
skiing and then we were go
getting the hot chocolate
and they were crying.
It was.
But the interesting thing,
the interesting thing about
it is that the day my
kids, even though they were
crying, then the day they
come to me every single
winter when we go
skiing and they go skiing
with their friends, they
come to me and say thanks
very much dad for making
us ski hard because we are
skiing much better than any
of our friends.
We can ski anything.
We love that you did that.
Thank you very much.
And they are doing now, Catherine
has a daughter that is three
years old and she is already
making her ski and she says
to her, there will be no
hot chocolate.
Well, ok, it is
time for music.
This Birmingham Bread
Band.
Yes, have sold over
100 million records.
And last year we were inducted
into the rock and roll Hall
of Fame here
performing Black
Moonlight from their
latest album.
It is Duran.
Duran.
Thank you,
Nick and Simon.
There you go.
Great.
Thank you so much work and
Speed.
This is Jack Judy.
Hey, Judy Arney.
Here we go.
Ok.
Uh Thank you so much for
that.
Uh A lot of love for Duran
Duran in the room.
Ok.
That the new album
Dance Macabre and now
other bands have brought
out Christmas albums.
Is this the first ever Halloween
album?
I think it is.
It must be, I think it is.
So why a Halloween album?
What was the idea?
It's Nick, it was Nick's
baby, his second
child.
We, we were, we actually
played a show in Las
Vegas, Las Vegas on Halloween
was just too irresistible.
And we thought, well, let's
theme it.
So we did some songs that
were, you know, roughly Halloween
things, simple things like
psycho killer
spellbound
and um and they turned out
really well in the show.
So we said, let's go in the
studio, let's just make the
record, uh you know,
make a proper record instead
of a live one.
And I think we've got a picture.
Is this the night you did
the show?
That's
looking good.
Um Is Halloween like big
in your lives anyway?
Or is this?
Obviously it's for unit.
It's always a bit of a blot
on my birthday week.
Of course, it's, it's Simon
Dean's birthday, everybody.
He's got the queue.
It, it's my, it's my birthday
and it's also my father's
birthday today.
So honestly, happy birthday,
John Lebon, dad,
John Labon, John Lebron.
That's a great day.
Mum, dad is the kids know
him and, uh, and Halloween,
Halloween is a big, I mean,
it's a big deal here, but
in America it's a big deal.
Do you do a lot of Halloween
Arnold?
Huge?
Believe me that I used to
go with my kids from house
to house trick or treating.
And it's really, it's
really a huge thing.
The kids love getting dressed
up and everyone gets dressed
up.
They have Halloween parties
where everyone comes dressed
up and stuff.
So it's really a big, big
deal down there.
And if people come trick
or treating to Dame Judy
Den's house, do they get
something?
I get a fright.
No.
Uh No, so don't.
I mean that's what Judy go,
don't, I'm going to dress
up as Arnold this year.
Elsie's first ever Halloween
me as the Terminator put
down the hot chocolate.
I think I see some they should
have Children flying down
a mountain going.
That's exactly right.
Uh Duran, Duran.
Uh Thank you so much for
coming in to do that performance.
It was fantastic.
Uh Dan Sharp is the name
of the album and Happy Birthday
Simon
like thank
you
in for tonight.
No time for red chairs.
Please say a huge thank you
to all of our guests tonight
to Du
Intrigue with pop sensation
C ma actor Greta Lee,
music legend boy George
succession star Sarah Snook
and the one and only Miriam
Margulies.
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