1 00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:11,545 - PREVIOUSLY ON CALIFORNICATION... 2 00:00:11,579 --> 00:00:13,247 - NO ONE WANTS TO PUBLISH YOUR BOOK. 3 00:00:13,281 --> 00:00:14,482 - THIS IS A BIG FUCKIN' BUMMER. 4 00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:17,118 I COULD REALLY USE AN INFLUX OF "CASHISH" RIGHT ABOUT NOW. 5 00:00:17,151 --> 00:00:19,387 - RUNKLE, QUIT BEATING YOUR MEAT. 6 00:00:19,420 --> 00:00:21,589 - HANK MOODY, SUE COLLINI. 7 00:00:21,622 --> 00:00:23,391 - BECCA'S DAD, RIGHT? - YIKES. 8 00:00:23,424 --> 00:00:24,425 - CHELSEA'S MOM? 9 00:00:24,458 --> 00:00:26,294 - HEY, SPEAK OF THE SHE-DEVILS. 10 00:00:26,327 --> 00:00:27,695 - CAN I GO OVER TO CHELSEA'S? 11 00:00:27,728 --> 00:00:29,797 - ACTUALLY, STAY FOR DINNER. HANK MOODY... 12 00:00:29,830 --> 00:00:32,400 I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO RICHARD BATES, THE WRITER. 13 00:00:32,433 --> 00:00:34,268 HE'S GOING TO BE TEACHING HERE THIS YEAR. 14 00:00:34,302 --> 00:00:35,769 - BIG FAN. DRINK WITH ME. 15 00:00:35,803 --> 00:00:37,505 - TEN YEARS' SOBRIETY DOWN THE DRAIN. 16 00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:39,173 - FUCK ME. - I CAN'T AFFORD 17 00:00:39,207 --> 00:00:40,408 TO KEEP PAYING RENT AND MORTGAGE 18 00:00:40,441 --> 00:00:42,076 AT THE SAME TIME, OKAY? 19 00:00:42,110 --> 00:00:43,777 I'LL JUST--I'LL MOVE BACK IN. - THIS CAN'T BE RIGHT. 20 00:00:43,811 --> 00:00:44,778 - IT'S WITHIN HIS RIGHT. 21 00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:46,147 - OH! YES! 22 00:00:46,180 --> 00:00:48,182 - YOU'RE THE DEAN OF THIS FINE INSTITUTE 23 00:00:48,216 --> 00:00:49,650 OF FANCY BOOK LEARNING? - CORRECT. 24 00:00:49,683 --> 00:00:53,187 - WHO WANTS TO SEE ME TUCK AND DO THE PEE-PEE DANCE? 25 00:00:53,221 --> 00:00:54,188 [laughter] 26 00:00:54,222 --> 00:00:56,324 - LET'S GET YOUR CLOTHES. 27 00:00:56,357 --> 00:00:57,658 - WHAT ABOUT BATES? 28 00:00:57,691 --> 00:00:59,127 IS HE GONNA BE ABLE TO DO HIS THING? 29 00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:01,695 - FROM REHAB? I DOUBT IT. 30 00:01:01,729 --> 00:01:03,431 YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO KNOW 31 00:01:03,464 --> 00:01:05,833 OF ANY OTHER BAD BOY NOVELISTS 32 00:01:05,866 --> 00:01:08,602 LOOKING FOR A TEACHING GIG, WOULD YOU? 33 00:01:08,636 --> 00:01:11,605 [rock music] 34 00:01:11,639 --> 00:01:13,574 * 35 00:01:18,146 --> 00:01:21,282 - [whistles] 36 00:01:23,317 --> 00:01:25,653 [muttering gibberish] 37 00:01:25,686 --> 00:01:28,122 - MM! 38 00:01:28,156 --> 00:01:29,557 - YES, MARCY. 39 00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:31,525 - HOW ARE THINGS AT WORK, TEACH? 40 00:01:31,559 --> 00:01:34,128 - EXCELLENT QUESTION, COUGAR SMURF. 41 00:01:34,162 --> 00:01:36,364 ASIDE FROM THE FACT THAT I GENERALLY LOATHE YOUNG PEOPLE, 42 00:01:36,397 --> 00:01:37,631 IT'S A PRETTY CUSH GIG. 43 00:01:37,665 --> 00:01:40,368 - AND WE'RE KEEPING OUR HANDS OFF THE YOUNG NUBILES, ARE WE? 44 00:01:40,401 --> 00:01:41,235 - PLEASE. 45 00:01:41,269 --> 00:01:42,770 TEENAGE GIRLS ARE GREATLY OVERRATED. 46 00:01:42,803 --> 00:01:45,306 PRESENT COMPANY EXCEPTED, OF COURSE. 47 00:01:45,339 --> 00:01:49,777 - OF COURSE. 48 00:01:49,810 --> 00:01:51,145 - ARE YOU OKAY OVER THERE? 49 00:01:51,179 --> 00:01:52,780 ARE YOU STROKING OUT OR SOMETHING? 50 00:01:52,813 --> 00:01:53,914 - OH, WHATEVER DO YOU MEAN? 51 00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:55,649 - YOU'RE GRINNING LIKE A MONGOLOID. 52 00:01:55,683 --> 00:01:57,618 - NO, I THINK I'M JUST FEELING GRATEFUL. 53 00:01:57,651 --> 00:01:59,153 THIS SEEMS LIKE OLD TIMES, DON'T IT? 54 00:01:59,187 --> 00:02:00,821 - HERE WE GO. 55 00:02:00,854 --> 00:02:01,922 - TRUTH BE TOLD, 56 00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,924 I REMEMBER THE FOOD BEING A HELL OF A LOT BETTER. 57 00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:04,925 WHAT ABOUT THIS STEAK? 58 00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:06,560 TASTES LIKE PRISON ASS. 59 00:02:06,594 --> 00:02:08,296 - BECCA. MISS. 60 00:02:08,329 --> 00:02:11,265 YOU'RE NOT EATING. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? 61 00:02:11,299 --> 00:02:13,167 - NOTHING. I'M ON A DIET. 62 00:02:13,201 --> 00:02:14,235 - WHAT? 63 00:02:14,268 --> 00:02:16,437 - HEY, YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL, YOUNG, WHITE WOMAN. 64 00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:17,805 REMEMBER THAT. 65 00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:19,240 - YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE ON A DIET. 66 00:02:19,273 --> 00:02:20,608 - DAD, I COULD EASILY LOSE TEN POUNDS. 67 00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:21,875 - [gasps] YOUR MOTHER WOULD KILL ME 68 00:02:21,909 --> 00:02:23,411 IF YOU DEVELOP AN EATING DISORDER. 69 00:02:23,444 --> 00:02:25,646 - I LIKE ME A BIG GIRL. 70 00:02:25,679 --> 00:02:26,647 YEAH, BEFORE MARCY HERE, 71 00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:28,916 MOST OF MY GIRLFRIENDS WERE SOMEWHAT ZAFTIG. 72 00:02:28,949 --> 00:02:29,917 - YEAH, I REMEMBER THAT. 73 00:02:29,950 --> 00:02:31,619 YOUR APARTMENT WAS LIKE HALF OFF AT LANE BRYANT. 74 00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:32,953 - THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT. 75 00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:35,456 BIG AND GETABLE. THAT'S THE WAY I LIKED 'EM. 76 00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:37,491 AND THEN OLD HALF-PINT HERE CAME ALONG AND... 77 00:02:37,525 --> 00:02:40,428 - OH, GOD. PLEASE CUT THE SWEET TALK, WILL YOU? 78 00:02:40,461 --> 00:02:41,762 - [kisses] - WE'RE NOT TOGETHER. 79 00:02:41,795 --> 00:02:43,797 WE'RE LIVING TOGETHER. THERE IS A HUGE DIFFERENCE. 80 00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:46,367 - HEY, HEY. I'VE MADE MY INTENTIONS KNOWN. 81 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:48,369 LOVE WILL FIND A WAY. 82 00:02:48,402 --> 00:02:49,703 [doorbell rings] 83 00:02:49,737 --> 00:02:51,539 NO, NO, NO, NO. SIT. 84 00:02:51,572 --> 00:02:53,574 SIT, RELAX, EAT, ENJOY. 85 00:02:53,607 --> 00:02:55,843 MWAH. I WILL GET IT. 86 00:03:00,348 --> 00:03:01,982 I'M SORRY, MY NUBIAN BROTHER. 87 00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:03,784 WE'RE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF DINNER. 88 00:03:03,817 --> 00:03:05,486 WE'RE NOT INTERESTED THIS EVENING. TA. 89 00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:06,754 - NOT INTERESTED IN WHAT, EXACTLY? 90 00:03:06,787 --> 00:03:08,656 - WHATEVER IT IS YOU'RE SELLING, BROTHER. 91 00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:11,292 LET ME GUESS. MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS? 92 00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:12,293 - I'M HERE FOR MARCY. 93 00:03:12,326 --> 00:03:15,229 - MARCY? MY WIFE? 94 00:03:15,263 --> 00:03:18,866 - I'M HERE TO PICK UP MARCY. FOR OUR DATE. 95 00:03:18,899 --> 00:03:19,867 - HI. 96 00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:23,437 THANK YOU. 97 00:03:23,471 --> 00:03:27,575 - SEE YOU AROUND, MY NUBIAN BROTHER. 98 00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:32,846 [upbeat music] 99 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:40,854 * 100 00:04:19,860 --> 00:04:21,629 - "THE SHY, TALENTED VAMPIRE 101 00:04:21,662 --> 00:04:24,432 "LOOKED UP TO HIS CENTURIES-OLD MENTOR. 102 00:04:24,465 --> 00:04:26,567 "EVEN IN THE TWILIGHT OF HIS ETERNAL YOUTH, 103 00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:29,303 "THE OLD MAN WAS WICKED-SMART AND ROGUISHLY HANDSOME, 104 00:04:29,337 --> 00:04:33,073 "A GLINT OF THE DEVIL FLICKERING IN HIS BEAUTIFUL, UNDEAD EYES. 105 00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:34,942 "THE YOUNG VAMPIRE KNEW THERE WAS MUCH TO BE LEARNED 106 00:04:34,975 --> 00:04:37,010 "FROM HIS BLOOD-SUCKING MENTOR-- 107 00:04:37,044 --> 00:04:40,948 "HOW TO LIVE, HOW TO FEED, HOW TO FUCK. 108 00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:42,916 "BUT THE BOY WAS HUNGRY. 109 00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:44,818 "RAVENOUS, ACTUALLY. 110 00:04:44,852 --> 00:04:46,454 "SOON HE WOULD HAVE TO FEED, 111 00:04:46,487 --> 00:04:48,456 "AND FEED HE WOULD. 112 00:04:48,489 --> 00:04:51,091 "THE MORONIC FRAT BOYS THAT MOCKED HIM ON A DAILY BASIS 113 00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:52,993 WERE GOOD FOR SOMETHING AT LEAST." 114 00:04:56,664 --> 00:04:58,866 - [clears throat] 115 00:04:58,899 --> 00:05:01,769 [coughs] 116 00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:05,105 - I--I'M JUST TEXTING WITH MY DAUGHTER. 117 00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:07,741 IT'S THE ONLY TIME SHE ACTUALLY ACKNOWLEDGES MY EXISTENCE. 118 00:05:07,775 --> 00:05:10,578 OKAY, SO WHAT ABOUT BALT'S STORY? 119 00:05:10,611 --> 00:05:12,713 I HEARD SOMETHING ABOUT VAMPIRES AND FRAT BOYS AND CUM, 120 00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:13,714 SO I'M HALF-CHUBBED. 121 00:05:13,747 --> 00:05:17,585 HOW ABOUT THE REST OF YOU SPOILED, RICH KIDS? 122 00:05:17,618 --> 00:05:19,587 SOMEONE? 123 00:05:19,620 --> 00:05:21,622 ANYONE? 124 00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:25,659 BUELLER? BUELLER? 125 00:05:25,693 --> 00:05:30,398 BUELLER. WHAT SAY YE, JACKIE? 126 00:05:30,431 --> 00:05:31,499 - HE'S MY ROOMMATE. 127 00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:33,100 HE'LL GET MAD AT ME. 128 00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:34,835 - MAYBE, BUT ULTIMATELY HE'LL THANK YOU 129 00:05:34,868 --> 00:05:37,871 FOR HAVING THE BALLS TO SAY SOMETHING OF SUBSTANCE. 130 00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:38,939 - OKAY. 131 00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:41,775 WELL, I'VE TOLD HIM A THOUSAND TIMES 132 00:05:41,809 --> 00:05:43,711 HE NEEDS TO DROP THE VAMPIRE BULLSHIT. 133 00:05:43,744 --> 00:05:45,112 IT'S STUPID. 134 00:05:45,145 --> 00:05:47,381 YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING CREATURE OF THE NIGHT, BALT. 135 00:05:47,415 --> 00:05:48,382 - SAYS YOU, SLUT. 136 00:05:48,416 --> 00:05:49,583 - SEE? WHAT'D I TELL YOU? 137 00:05:49,617 --> 00:05:50,718 - ANYTHING ELSE? 138 00:05:50,751 --> 00:05:54,722 - WELL, UH, THERE WAS AN AWFUL LOT OF TALK ABOUT FUCKING, 139 00:05:54,755 --> 00:05:55,989 BUT NO ACTUAL SEX. 140 00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:57,057 THAT KIND OF BUMMED ME OUT. 141 00:05:57,090 --> 00:05:59,560 - WELL, IT IS POSSIBLE THAT LONGING FOR SOMETHING 142 00:05:59,593 --> 00:06:01,395 IS BETTER THAN ACTUALLY HAVING IT. 143 00:06:01,429 --> 00:06:02,896 I'VE HEARD IT SAID THAT SATISFACTION 144 00:06:02,930 --> 00:06:04,832 IS THE DEATH OF DESIRE. 145 00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:06,800 - INTERESTING. DO YOU NEED A TAMPON? 146 00:06:06,834 --> 00:06:08,836 I THINK I HAVE AN EXTRA IN MY PURSE. 147 00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:11,004 - OW. WHOA. LOOK AT THE TIME ALREADY. 148 00:06:11,038 --> 00:06:12,139 WOW. 149 00:06:12,172 --> 00:06:13,707 - ACTUALLY, THERE'S 15 MINUTES LEFT. 150 00:06:13,741 --> 00:06:17,044 - WHICH IS WHY I WILL LEAVE YOU WITH THIS. 151 00:06:17,077 --> 00:06:18,879 I CAN'T TEACH YOU HOW TO WRITE, 152 00:06:18,912 --> 00:06:21,549 AND ANYBODY WHO SAYS THEY CAN IS FULL OF SHIT. 153 00:06:21,582 --> 00:06:23,517 THE ONLY THING I CAN DO 154 00:06:23,551 --> 00:06:24,952 IS WRITE ABOUT THE SHIT THAT EXCITES ME, 155 00:06:24,985 --> 00:06:25,953 THE SHIT THAT GETS ME HARD. 156 00:06:25,986 --> 00:06:28,822 SO, BALT, IF YOU WANT TO WRITE ABOUT VAMPIRES 157 00:06:28,856 --> 00:06:30,824 DRINKING EACH OTHER'S BLOOD AND CUM AND WHATNOT, 158 00:06:30,858 --> 00:06:32,125 BY ALL MEANS, GO FOR IT. 159 00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:33,461 WRITE THE SHIT OUT OF IT. 160 00:06:33,494 --> 00:06:35,128 DON'T BE NIGGARDLY WITH YOUR EMOTIONS. 161 00:06:35,162 --> 00:06:38,466 JUST RUN IT UP THE FLAGPOLE AND SEE WHO SALUTES, OKAY? 162 00:06:38,499 --> 00:06:40,534 NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. 163 00:06:40,568 --> 00:06:41,602 GO READ A BOOK OR SOMETHING. 164 00:06:41,635 --> 00:06:43,136 PREFERABLY ONE OF MINE. 165 00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:49,543 - YOU KNOW, I TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT TOO MUCH, 166 00:06:49,577 --> 00:06:52,179 BUT I COULD HAVE BEEN T.A.-ING FOR RICHARD BATES RIGHT NOW, 167 00:06:52,212 --> 00:06:54,582 AND THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A REAL EDUCATION FOR ME. 168 00:06:54,615 --> 00:06:57,184 I WAS DOING MY THESIS ON HIM. 169 00:06:57,217 --> 00:07:00,120 YEAH, AND THEN YOU HAD TO GO AND KNOCK HIM OFF THE WAGON. 170 00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:01,655 - BUT LOOK HOW IT WORKED OUT FOR YOU. 171 00:07:01,689 --> 00:07:04,825 YOU GET TO LEARN AT THE FEET OF A MASTER...BATOR. 172 00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:06,860 - OH, HO. CLEARLY. 173 00:07:06,894 --> 00:07:08,829 OH, HI, FELICIA. 174 00:07:08,862 --> 00:07:10,598 - HI. 175 00:07:10,631 --> 00:07:11,665 HOW'S IT GOING, PROFESSOR? 176 00:07:11,699 --> 00:07:15,135 - IN A WORD? AWESOME. 177 00:07:15,168 --> 00:07:16,704 - OOH. 178 00:07:16,737 --> 00:07:18,205 INTERESTING CURRICULUM. 179 00:07:18,238 --> 00:07:20,874 - AH, LOOK AT THAT. I SOUND LIKE A FUCKIN' RETARD. 180 00:07:20,908 --> 00:07:22,843 - NO. DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF. 181 00:07:22,876 --> 00:07:24,177 BUT YOU MIGHT WANT TO ERASE IT 182 00:07:24,211 --> 00:07:26,213 BEFORE WORD SPREADS THROUGH THESE HALLOWED HALLS. 183 00:07:26,246 --> 00:07:28,115 ACADEMICS CAN BE VICIOUS. 184 00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:30,250 - AT LEAST I'M NOT TUCKING MY DONG IN CLASS. 185 00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:32,252 NOT WITH MY PANTS OFF, ANYWAY. 186 00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:34,855 - HAVE YOU TAKEN THE SEXUAL HARASSMENT SEMINAR, YET? 187 00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:38,592 - YEAH, I HAD JILL TAKE IT FOR ME ONLINE. 188 00:07:38,626 --> 00:07:42,262 WHAT? WHAT? 189 00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:45,833 - [sighs] - IT'S LIKE TRAFFIC SCHOOL. 190 00:07:49,036 --> 00:07:50,804 - UH, DAVID CURRAN WANTS TO KNOW 191 00:07:50,838 --> 00:07:52,272 WHY YOU GAVE HIM A "C". 192 00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:53,807 - OKAY, I'LL BITE. 193 00:07:53,841 --> 00:07:55,609 WHY'D I GIVE HIM A "C"? 194 00:07:55,643 --> 00:07:57,277 - YOU KNOW, AS YOUR T.A., 195 00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:59,212 I'M HAPPY TO READ THE STUDENTS' MATERIAL 196 00:07:59,246 --> 00:08:00,814 AND SUGGEST A GRADE, 197 00:08:00,848 --> 00:08:03,917 BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO READ IT ALSO. 198 00:08:03,951 --> 00:08:06,720 - WHAT DO YOU THINK OF JACKIE? 199 00:08:06,754 --> 00:08:08,088 - YOU THINK SHE'S HOT, DON'T YOU? 200 00:08:08,121 --> 00:08:09,723 - I HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT IT. 201 00:08:09,757 --> 00:08:11,258 BUT NOW THAT I HAVE, YEAH, SHE'S SMOKING. 202 00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:13,160 - YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH TO BE HER FATHER. 203 00:08:13,193 --> 00:08:15,829 - WELL, SURE, I COULD BE, BUT I'M NOT. 204 00:08:15,863 --> 00:08:17,865 AND I HAVE NO INTEREST IN MAKING SWEET LOVE TO HER 205 00:08:17,898 --> 00:08:20,033 ASIDE FROM THE GENERAL INTEREST THAT ALL MEN HAVE 206 00:08:20,067 --> 00:08:21,201 IN MAKING SWEET LOVE TO ALL WOMEN. 207 00:08:21,234 --> 00:08:23,771 - YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK I CAN BE YOUR T.A. ANYMORE. 208 00:08:23,804 --> 00:08:25,105 - I UNDERSTAND. - YOU DO? 209 00:08:25,138 --> 00:08:27,174 - YOU FIND ME IRRESISTIBLE. 210 00:08:27,207 --> 00:08:29,643 - [chuckles] THAT'S CLOSE. 211 00:08:29,677 --> 00:08:31,011 I FIND YOU IRRITATING. 212 00:08:31,044 --> 00:08:32,580 - CAREFUL. THAT'S HOW IT STARTS. 213 00:08:32,613 --> 00:08:33,847 THE MOTHER OF MY PROBLEM CHILD 214 00:08:33,881 --> 00:08:35,148 WOULD SAY THE EXACT SAME THING. 215 00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:36,750 SERIOUSLY. WATCH IT. 216 00:08:36,784 --> 00:08:38,586 - HAS A WOMAN EVER PUNCHED YOU IN THE FACE? 217 00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:40,788 - YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU SHOULD USE ME. 218 00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:41,789 - REALLY? - MM-HMM. 219 00:08:41,822 --> 00:08:42,956 - MM-HMM. I SHOULD USE YOU. 220 00:08:42,990 --> 00:08:44,758 I'M--I'M FRIGHTENED. 221 00:08:44,792 --> 00:08:47,194 - AS CONSULTANT IN YOUR SEARCH FOR WORTHY COMPANIONSHIP. 222 00:08:47,227 --> 00:08:49,730 - I, HANK MOODY, AM A PRIME EXAMPLE 223 00:08:49,763 --> 00:08:51,298 OF HOW THE MALE NOGGIN WORKS. 224 00:08:51,331 --> 00:08:53,601 YOU KNOW, SAY YOU'RE OUT ON A DATE WITH SOME DICK, 225 00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:55,202 HE DOES SOMETHING YOU CAN'T QUITE DECIPHER, 226 00:08:55,235 --> 00:08:56,604 YOU CALL ME UP, 227 00:08:56,637 --> 00:08:59,106 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT MEANT. 228 00:08:59,139 --> 00:09:02,009 - THANKS, DICK. THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. 229 00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:03,744 I'M GONNA THINK ABOUT IT WHILE I'M PEEING. 230 00:09:03,777 --> 00:09:05,613 - TINKLE, TINKLE. 231 00:09:05,646 --> 00:09:06,747 [knock at door] 232 00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:08,181 - PROFESSOR MOODY, 233 00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:09,650 UH, CAN I HAVE A WORD? 234 00:09:09,683 --> 00:09:11,118 - I SUPPOSE SO, BUT I WAS THINKING 235 00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:13,687 OF DUCKING OUT AND CATCHING A MOVIE. 236 00:09:13,721 --> 00:09:15,022 BUT I GUESS NOT. 237 00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:16,724 OFFICE HOURS AND WHATNOT. 238 00:09:16,757 --> 00:09:18,158 COME IN. HAVE A SEAT. 239 00:09:18,191 --> 00:09:20,961 CALL ME HANK. 240 00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:21,962 - THANK YOU, HANK. 241 00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:23,063 - I CHANGED MY MIND. 242 00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:25,298 CALL ME PROFESSOR MOODY. 243 00:09:25,332 --> 00:09:26,900 I'M JUST FUCKING WITH YOU. 244 00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:30,237 NOT REALLY. 245 00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:31,872 WHAT DO YOU WANT? 246 00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,707 - LOOK, I NEED TO KNOW... 247 00:09:33,741 --> 00:09:34,742 IF I'M A WRITER. 248 00:09:34,775 --> 00:09:35,743 - MM. 249 00:09:35,776 --> 00:09:37,177 JESUS CHRIST, KID. 250 00:09:37,210 --> 00:09:38,211 WHO AM I TO TELL YOU THAT? 251 00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:39,346 - WELL, YOU'RE MY TEACHER. 252 00:09:39,379 --> 00:09:41,782 I RESPECT YOU, AND I THINK YOU'RE AN AWESOME WRITER. 253 00:09:41,815 --> 00:09:43,250 - THANK YOU. - I'VE READ ALL YOUR BOOKS. 254 00:09:43,283 --> 00:09:44,785 COVER TO COVER. 255 00:09:44,818 --> 00:09:46,620 I LOVE YOUR PICTURE ON THE BACK, BY THE WAY. 256 00:09:46,654 --> 00:09:47,721 IT'S VERY HANDSOME. 257 00:09:47,755 --> 00:09:49,289 - THANK...YOU. 258 00:09:49,322 --> 00:09:53,126 - YOU'RE THE MENTOR, YOU KNOW? IN MY STORY? 259 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:58,098 THE YOUNG VAMPIRE HAS A CRUSH ON THE OLD ONE. 260 00:09:58,131 --> 00:10:00,300 IT'S YOU. IT'S A METAPHOR. 261 00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:03,003 - I'M THE OLD VAMPIRE. FANTASTIC. 262 00:10:03,036 --> 00:10:06,640 - COME ON, HANK-- PROFESSOR MOODY. 263 00:10:06,674 --> 00:10:08,842 BRUTAL TRUTH. 264 00:10:08,876 --> 00:10:11,011 I CAN TAKE IT. 265 00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:12,746 - BRUTAL TRUTH, HUH? 266 00:10:12,780 --> 00:10:15,082 - MM-HMM. ABSOLUTELY. 267 00:10:18,185 --> 00:10:20,053 - YOUR STORY WAS BAD. 268 00:10:20,087 --> 00:10:21,421 IT WAS TERRIBLE, IN FACT. 269 00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:24,424 IT WAS LIKE THAT LAME TWILIGHT BULLSHIT. 270 00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:26,126 I HAVE NO PATIENCE FOR THAT CRAP. 271 00:10:26,159 --> 00:10:28,028 IT'S NOT WRITING. IT'S LIKE BOUND TOILET PAPER. 272 00:10:28,061 --> 00:10:29,863 NOW I'M NOT SAYING YOU WON'T GET BETTER 273 00:10:29,897 --> 00:10:31,264 IF YOU KEEP WRITING, BECAUSE YOU WILL. 274 00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:32,733 NO QUESTION. 275 00:10:32,766 --> 00:10:34,835 BUT I AM SAYING THAT IF YOU CAN DO ANYTHING ELSE 276 00:10:34,868 --> 00:10:35,869 WITH YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW, 277 00:10:35,903 --> 00:10:37,671 ANYTHING AT ALL, 278 00:10:37,705 --> 00:10:39,439 I THINK MAYBE YOU SHOULD DO THAT. 279 00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:42,209 'CAUSE THE WORLD DOESN'T NEED ANYMORE LAME VAMPIRE FICTION. 280 00:10:42,242 --> 00:10:45,245 YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? 281 00:10:45,278 --> 00:10:47,681 YOU WITH ME, AMIGO? 282 00:10:47,715 --> 00:10:49,416 - I THINK SO. 283 00:10:49,449 --> 00:10:51,719 - BRUTAL TRUTH, RIGHT? 284 00:10:51,752 --> 00:10:54,387 - UH, RIGHT. 285 00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:02,162 - TEACHING'S NOT SO HARD. 286 00:11:02,195 --> 00:11:06,399 I FEEL BAD. HE WAS CLEARLY CRUSHING ON ME. 287 00:11:06,433 --> 00:11:08,035 MAYBE I LED HIM ON. 288 00:11:08,068 --> 00:11:09,737 - HMM? HOW SO? 289 00:11:09,770 --> 00:11:12,005 - I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE I WAS SENDING OUT SIGNALS. 290 00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:13,273 FUCK. MAYBE I'M GAY. 291 00:11:13,306 --> 00:11:14,842 - HANK, PLEASE. 292 00:11:14,875 --> 00:11:16,043 WE'RE ALL GAY. 293 00:11:16,076 --> 00:11:17,177 - WHAT THE? WHAT THE? 294 00:11:17,210 --> 00:11:18,411 - I'M SERIOUS. 295 00:11:18,445 --> 00:11:19,780 - YEAH, I KNOW, AND IT SCARES ME. 296 00:11:19,813 --> 00:11:21,214 - ALL RIGHT, LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY. 297 00:11:21,248 --> 00:11:23,416 IF YOU AND I WERE TRAPPED TOGETHER ON A DESERT ISLAND-- 298 00:11:23,450 --> 00:11:25,352 - I DON'T LIKE WHERE THIS IS GOING ALREADY. 299 00:11:25,385 --> 00:11:26,787 - IT WOULD ONLY BE A MATTER OF TIME 300 00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:28,255 BEFORE I WAS PUTTING IT IN YOUR POOPER. 301 00:11:28,288 --> 00:11:29,422 - HEY, I MAY BE EASY, 302 00:11:29,456 --> 00:11:30,423 BUT I AM NOT SLEAZY. 303 00:11:30,457 --> 00:11:32,492 BESIDES, I DON'T REALLY SEE MYSELF AS A BOTTOM. 304 00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,161 - FINE. YOU PUT IT IN MY POOPER. 305 00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:36,296 - MY FIST, MAYBE. 306 00:11:36,329 --> 00:11:38,098 - WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT. 307 00:11:38,131 --> 00:11:40,968 MY POINT BEING, WE'RE JUST ANIMALS. 308 00:11:41,001 --> 00:11:41,769 - PERHAPS, BUT THIS ANIMAL 309 00:11:41,802 --> 00:11:43,336 PREFERS THE WARM, COZY CONFINES 310 00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:44,504 OF THE FEMALE VAGINA. 311 00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:46,774 - BUT FACED WITH A SEVERE VAGINAL DROUGHT, 312 00:11:46,807 --> 00:11:47,941 MEN WILL BE MEN. 313 00:11:47,975 --> 00:11:49,142 BOYS WILL DO BOYS. 314 00:11:49,176 --> 00:11:52,179 - YOU'VE GIVEN THIS A FAIR AMOUNT OF THOUGHT, HAVEN'T YOU? 315 00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:54,414 - IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU WERE A KID, OKAY? 316 00:11:54,447 --> 00:11:55,448 YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? 317 00:11:55,482 --> 00:11:57,217 - NO, I DO NOT. 318 00:11:57,250 --> 00:12:00,420 - WE'VE ALL GOT A GAY EXPERIENCE OR TWO IN OUR BACK POCKETS. 319 00:12:00,453 --> 00:12:01,755 - OH, OKAY. ALL RIGHT. 320 00:12:01,789 --> 00:12:03,056 NOW--NOW I SEE WHERE YOU'RE GOING. 321 00:12:03,090 --> 00:12:05,058 OKAY. WHAT'S YOURS? 322 00:12:05,092 --> 00:12:07,027 - OH, OH, NO, NO, NO. YOU FIRST. 323 00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:09,196 - NO WAY. BALD BEFORE BEAUTY. 324 00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:11,064 - ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW? FINE. OKAY. 325 00:12:11,098 --> 00:12:12,766 SO WHEN I WAS GROWING UP, 326 00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:14,134 MY BEST FRIEND WAS MIKE METZ. 327 00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:15,002 - UH-HUH. MIKE METZ. 328 00:12:15,035 --> 00:12:18,205 - OKAY, SOMETIMES WE WOULD UNDRESS, 329 00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:19,940 WE'D LAY DOWN ON THE BED, 330 00:12:19,973 --> 00:12:23,076 AND JUST, YOU KNOW, TOUCH EACH OTHER'S BODIES. 331 00:12:23,110 --> 00:12:24,511 IT WASN'T GAY. - SURE. 332 00:12:24,544 --> 00:12:25,979 - IT WASN'T EVEN SEXUAL. - MM-HMM. 333 00:12:26,013 --> 00:12:27,981 - IT WAS, YOU KNOW, VERY LOVING, ACT-- 334 00:12:28,015 --> 00:12:29,549 IT WAS JUST AN EXPRESSION OF OUR FRIENDSHIP. 335 00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:30,784 - MM-HMM, MM-HMM. - THAT'S ALL. 336 00:12:30,818 --> 00:12:32,886 - WELL, THAT'S INTERESTING, BECAUSE YOU AND I ARE FRIENDS, 337 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:34,054 AND YET YOU'VE NEVER ASKED ME 338 00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:35,288 TO GET UNDRESSED AND TOUCH YOUR BODY. 339 00:12:35,322 --> 00:12:39,426 - SO WHAT'S YOURS, BIG BOY? 340 00:12:39,459 --> 00:12:41,795 YOU TRICKED ME, DIDN'T YOU? 341 00:12:41,829 --> 00:12:43,230 YOU MISERABLE FUCKING BASTARD. 342 00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:44,965 YOU KEEP THAT ONE CLOSE TO YOUR VEST, OKAY? 343 00:12:44,998 --> 00:12:47,200 - OF COURSE. OF COURSE. 344 00:13:00,247 --> 00:13:01,414 - OH, JESUS. 345 00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:03,250 YOU'RE GONNA RAPE ME, AREN'T YOU? 346 00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:05,052 - OH, YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS, RICH WHITE LADY. 347 00:13:05,085 --> 00:13:06,053 - I'M NOT RICH! 348 00:13:06,086 --> 00:13:07,487 - BULLSHIT! YOU OWN A SALON. 349 00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:08,488 DON'T LIE TO ME. 350 00:13:08,521 --> 00:13:09,489 - OH, MY GOD. 351 00:13:09,522 --> 00:13:11,058 PUT THAT THING AWAY. 352 00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:14,127 THAT BIG, THICK, PURPLE THING! 353 00:13:14,161 --> 00:13:15,562 - THAT'S RIGHT. YOU BETTER RECOGNIZE. 354 00:13:15,595 --> 00:13:17,064 THIS HERE'S A ONE-EYED, ONE-HORNED, 355 00:13:17,097 --> 00:13:18,398 FLYING, PURPLE, WHITE-WOMAN EATER. 356 00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:19,566 - OH! 357 00:13:19,599 --> 00:13:21,134 - AND I'M GONNA SPLIT YOU LIKE WET PINE. 358 00:13:21,168 --> 00:13:22,169 - OH, YEAH. 359 00:13:22,202 --> 00:13:26,139 OH, YEAH. - [grunts] 360 00:13:26,173 --> 00:13:28,075 - NO MEANS NO, YOU KNOW? - CHARLIE! 361 00:13:28,108 --> 00:13:30,277 - THIS THE SURPRISE YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT? 362 00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:31,344 - WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? 363 00:13:31,378 --> 00:13:32,946 - WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M DOING? 364 00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:34,948 I'M SAVING YOU. - SAVING ME? I'M FINE! 365 00:13:34,982 --> 00:13:36,149 - NO, YOU'RE NOT FINE. 366 00:13:36,183 --> 00:13:38,318 YOU'RE BEING RAPED. 367 00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:41,188 - I AM NOT! 368 00:13:41,221 --> 00:13:45,158 - YOU WERE TOO. 369 00:13:45,192 --> 00:13:46,559 - WE'RE PLAYING A GAME. 370 00:13:46,593 --> 00:13:48,128 - A GAME? 371 00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:49,930 WHAT KIND OF GAME? 372 00:13:49,963 --> 00:13:52,332 SOME KIND OF SICK, TWISTED, PLANTATION-DAYS KIND OF THING? 373 00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:53,333 - HEY. 374 00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:54,567 WATCH IT, MOTHERFUCKER. 375 00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:56,937 - IT WAS A FANTASY, CHARLIE. 376 00:13:56,970 --> 00:13:58,638 - A FANTASY? 377 00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:00,473 - A RAPE FANTASY. 378 00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:02,375 - A RAPE FANTA--? 379 00:14:02,409 --> 00:14:03,476 THAT IS JUST SICK, MARCY. 380 00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:05,012 - SICK? 381 00:14:05,045 --> 00:14:06,613 I'M SICK? 382 00:14:06,646 --> 00:14:09,616 AFTER ALL THE TWISTED, DEPRAVED SHIT 383 00:14:09,649 --> 00:14:12,219 I'VE SEEN YOU DO? 384 00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:15,388 DON'T YOU DARE JUDGE ME, MOTHERFUCKER. 385 00:14:15,422 --> 00:14:17,157 - OH, GOD. 386 00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:18,325 I THINK I'M GONNA PUKE. 387 00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:21,594 - GOOD! 388 00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:30,537 - DEAN KOONS WANTS TO SEE YOU. 389 00:14:30,570 --> 00:14:33,406 - [coughs] HIT? 390 00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:35,208 - I'M GOOD. 391 00:14:38,578 --> 00:14:40,347 - HEY, GUYS. 392 00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:41,514 THANK YOU. 393 00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:43,350 THANK YOU. 394 00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:45,285 - FOR WHAT? 395 00:14:45,318 --> 00:14:46,419 - I HEARD YOU WANTED TO SEE ME, 396 00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:48,588 WHICH COULD ONLY MEAN YOU WANTED TO CONGRATULATE ME 397 00:14:48,621 --> 00:14:50,123 FOR THE KICKASS JOB I'VE BEEN DOING, 398 00:14:50,157 --> 00:14:53,226 SO I JUST WANTED TO SAY YOU'RE WELCOME. 399 00:14:53,260 --> 00:14:55,295 IT'S BEEN MY PLEASURE. 400 00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:56,964 - THIS IS NO TIME TO BE GLIB, HANK. 401 00:14:56,997 --> 00:14:58,966 - HOW CAN YOU BE SURE? 402 00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:00,600 - I'LL HANDLE THIS, STACY. 403 00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:03,003 THERE'S BEEN AN INCIDENT. 404 00:15:03,036 --> 00:15:04,171 - OKAY, WELL, LOOK. 405 00:15:04,204 --> 00:15:06,673 "NIGGARDLY" IS NOT A RACIAL SLUR. 406 00:15:06,706 --> 00:15:10,177 AND IN FACT, ONE MIGHT SAY THAT Y'ALL HAVE BEEN NIGGARDLY 407 00:15:10,210 --> 00:15:13,080 WHEN IT COMES TO FINANCIAL COMPENSATION POUR MOI. 408 00:15:13,113 --> 00:15:14,614 I'M JUST SAYING. 409 00:15:14,647 --> 00:15:15,682 - ARE YOU DONE HANDLING THIS? 410 00:15:15,715 --> 00:15:16,683 BECAUSE WE ARE DEALING 411 00:15:16,716 --> 00:15:18,018 WITH AN IDIOT MAN-CHILD HERE. 412 00:15:18,051 --> 00:15:21,221 - "OH, ME LOVE HER TOO MUCH. 413 00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:22,622 "ME PET HER TOO HARD. 414 00:15:22,655 --> 00:15:25,625 SHE NO WAKE UP." 415 00:15:25,658 --> 00:15:30,097 [groaning] 416 00:15:30,130 --> 00:15:33,333 - A STUDENT OF YOURS TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE LAST NIGHT. 417 00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:39,372 - SHITNESS. WOW. WHO? 418 00:15:39,406 --> 00:15:40,440 - CHRIS SMITH. 419 00:15:40,473 --> 00:15:42,209 - CHRIS SMITH? 420 00:15:42,242 --> 00:15:43,643 CHRIS SMITH. 421 00:15:43,676 --> 00:15:46,179 AH, HE'S NOT ONE OF MINE. THANK GOD. 422 00:15:46,213 --> 00:15:47,614 - NO, HIS FRIENDS CALL HIM BALT. 423 00:15:47,647 --> 00:15:51,084 - BALT? FUCK, I KNOW THAT DUDE. 424 00:15:51,118 --> 00:15:53,220 - DID HE SEEM DESPONDENT AT ALL? 425 00:15:53,253 --> 00:15:54,621 - MORE IMPORTANTLY, HIS ROOMMATE SAID 426 00:15:54,654 --> 00:15:56,456 HE HAD JUST RETURNED FROM A MEETING WITH YOU. 427 00:15:56,489 --> 00:15:59,492 - HE DID STOP BY... MY OFFICE-ES. 428 00:15:59,526 --> 00:16:02,262 - WELL, WHAT WAS DISCUSSED? 429 00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:06,433 - LIFE...LOVE... VAMPIRES AND SHIT. 430 00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:07,767 - WE'RE NOT ATTACKING YOU, HANK. 431 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:09,236 WE'RE JUST TRYING TO WORK OUT WHAT HAPPENED. 432 00:16:09,269 --> 00:16:10,537 - FEELS LIKE YOU'RE ATTACKING. 433 00:16:10,570 --> 00:16:11,771 - IT'S PRETTY CLEAR WHAT HAPPENED. 434 00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:13,373 - STOP BEING SO CONDESCENDING, STACY. 435 00:16:13,406 --> 00:16:14,174 - LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU JUST 436 00:16:14,207 --> 00:16:16,009 TENDER YOUR RESIGNATION RIGHT NOW. 437 00:16:16,043 --> 00:16:18,378 SPARE US THE TROUBLE OF AN INVESTIGATION. 438 00:16:18,411 --> 00:16:19,712 - YOU WANT TO HANDLE THIS, STACY? 439 00:16:19,746 --> 00:16:21,314 FINE. GO RIGHT AHEAD. 440 00:16:21,348 --> 00:16:24,051 JUST LEAVE ME OUT OF IT. 441 00:16:26,386 --> 00:16:29,556 - SOMEONE'S SLEEPING ON THE COUCH TONIGHT. 442 00:16:29,589 --> 00:16:31,158 GOOD JELLY BEANS. 443 00:16:31,191 --> 00:16:33,360 - LOOK, HANK, 444 00:16:33,393 --> 00:16:35,495 I KNOW YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY 445 00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:38,665 WHAT ANYONE WOULD CALL AN EDUCATION PROFESSIONAL. 446 00:16:38,698 --> 00:16:41,301 OR A PROFESSIONAL OF ANY KIND, FOR THAT MATTER. 447 00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:44,637 BUT MY WIFE WENT OUT ON A LIMB FOR YOU. 448 00:16:44,671 --> 00:16:45,605 SHE LOVES BECCA. 449 00:16:45,638 --> 00:16:47,574 SHE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICE IF HER FATHER 450 00:16:47,607 --> 00:16:48,775 WAS GAINFULLY EMPLOYED. 451 00:16:48,808 --> 00:16:51,144 - [imitates Popeye] AH GAH GAH GAH GAH GAH! 452 00:16:51,178 --> 00:16:53,413 - THAT BEING SAID-- - GAH GAH GAH! 453 00:16:53,446 --> 00:16:56,249 - THAT'S AN ANTIQUE. 454 00:16:56,283 --> 00:16:59,086 IF I FIND OUT THAT YOU SAID OR DID ANYTHING 455 00:16:59,119 --> 00:17:00,520 TO PUSH THAT POOR KID OVER THE EDGE, 456 00:17:00,553 --> 00:17:01,788 I'M GONNA MAKE IT MY LIFE'S WORK 457 00:17:01,821 --> 00:17:03,123 TO MAKE SURE YOU NEVER STEP FOOT 458 00:17:03,156 --> 00:17:04,124 ON THIS CAMPUS AGAIN. 459 00:17:04,157 --> 00:17:06,359 DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? 460 00:17:06,393 --> 00:17:09,062 DO I HAVE YOUR EAR, HANK? 461 00:17:09,096 --> 00:17:11,231 - YOU HAVE BEAUTIFUL, BLUE EYES. 462 00:17:16,336 --> 00:17:17,470 - ARE YOU HIGH? 463 00:17:17,504 --> 00:17:21,674 - I GOTTA RUN. TALK TO YOU LATER. 464 00:17:21,708 --> 00:17:23,810 - [sighs] 465 00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:27,780 - ALL WORK AND NO ASS-PLAY MAKES CHUCK A DULL BOY. 466 00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:30,283 - JUST TRYING TO EARN MY KEEP, SUE. 467 00:17:30,317 --> 00:17:33,420 - WHAT DO YOU SAY THE TWO OF US KNOCK OFF EARLY, HUH? 468 00:17:33,453 --> 00:17:35,188 SLIP OUT OF THIS BUSINESS CASUAL, 469 00:17:35,222 --> 00:17:36,523 NUDE-UP IN MY "JACOOZE", 470 00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:38,758 SEE WHAT KIND OF SODOMY LAWS WE CAN BREAK? 471 00:17:38,791 --> 00:17:42,195 - SOUNDS LIKE THE HEIGHT OF DECADENCE, SUE. 472 00:17:42,229 --> 00:17:44,397 BUT I SHOULD PROBABLY GET THROUGH THIS SLUSH PILE. 473 00:17:44,431 --> 00:17:46,466 WHO KNOWS? I MIGHT EVEN FIND SOMETHING GOOD. 474 00:17:46,499 --> 00:17:47,800 - WHO KNOWS? 475 00:17:47,834 --> 00:17:49,302 YOU MIGHT FIND SOMETHING BETTER 476 00:17:49,336 --> 00:17:50,603 IN MY PUNANI. 477 00:17:50,637 --> 00:17:52,239 - YEAH. 478 00:17:52,272 --> 00:17:54,674 WARREN BEATTY'S LOST ROLEX, MAYBE. 479 00:17:54,707 --> 00:17:56,509 - [laughs] 480 00:17:56,543 --> 00:17:59,879 OH, YOU ARE A DIRTY DOG. 481 00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,514 I LIKE YOUR STYLE, RUNKLE. 482 00:18:01,548 --> 00:18:06,353 - HEY, CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION, SUE? 483 00:18:06,386 --> 00:18:07,754 - THE ANSWER'S YES. 484 00:18:07,787 --> 00:18:09,522 I WOULD LOVE A FACE-RIDE. 485 00:18:09,556 --> 00:18:11,891 - SERIOUSLY, 486 00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:15,828 DO WOMEN EVER FANTASIZE 487 00:18:15,862 --> 00:18:18,798 ABOUT...BEING RAPED? 488 00:18:18,831 --> 00:18:21,768 - ARE YOU TRYING TO GET ME WET? 489 00:18:21,801 --> 00:18:24,704 - I DON'T THINK SO. - YES, CHARLIE. 490 00:18:24,737 --> 00:18:27,640 WOMEN FANTASIZE ABOUT RAPE. 491 00:18:27,674 --> 00:18:28,908 - REALLY? - MM-HMM. 492 00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:34,747 AND MY OWN FEATURES A HANDSOME STRANGER. 493 00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:40,287 THINK JACK, CIRCA THE POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE, 494 00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:43,890 SNEAKING INTO MY BEDROOM AND TAKING ME IN MY SLEEP. 495 00:18:43,923 --> 00:18:46,193 HE PULLS DOWN MY PANTIES. 496 00:18:46,226 --> 00:18:48,395 HE ENTERS SLOWLY. 497 00:18:48,428 --> 00:18:50,497 SLIPS RIGHT IN. 498 00:18:50,530 --> 00:18:53,266 OH, JACK. THE PUSSY NEVER LIES. 499 00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:54,401 REMEMBER THAT, RUNKLE. 500 00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:56,636 I KICK, I SCREAM, BUT IT'S TOO LATE. 501 00:18:56,669 --> 00:18:58,571 I MEAN, THE JUICES ARE FLOWING. 502 00:18:58,605 --> 00:19:00,307 THE TRAIN HAS LEFT THE STATION. 503 00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:04,344 WE ARE HEADED FOR A BIG, FAT, ROCKY ORGASM. 504 00:19:04,377 --> 00:19:07,380 OH, SWEET JESUS, GUIDE ME. 505 00:19:13,786 --> 00:19:15,588 ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING, RUNKLE? 506 00:19:15,622 --> 00:19:19,259 ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT SOME ROLE PLAYING? 507 00:19:19,292 --> 00:19:21,228 BECAUSE YOU NAME THE GAME, 508 00:19:21,261 --> 00:19:22,395 I'LL PLAY THE PART. 509 00:19:22,429 --> 00:19:24,197 AND I'M GOOD AT IT. 510 00:19:24,231 --> 00:19:26,799 I USED TO RUN LINES WITH MARGOT KIDDER. 511 00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:29,336 BEFORE SHE WENT APESHIT. 512 00:19:29,369 --> 00:19:30,837 TRY ME SOMETIME. 513 00:19:38,745 --> 00:19:40,747 - [clears throat] 514 00:19:40,780 --> 00:19:42,482 - WOW. LOOK WHO'S HERE. 515 00:19:42,515 --> 00:19:43,616 WHAT'S UP, ASSHOLE? 516 00:19:43,650 --> 00:19:45,852 - THAT'S NO WAY TO ADDRESS YOUR TEACHER, YOUNG LADY. 517 00:19:45,885 --> 00:19:47,987 - IS THAT WHAT YOU ARE? A TEACHER? 518 00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:50,857 I WAS THINKING MORE LIKE A DESTROYER OF HOPES AND DREAMS. 519 00:19:50,890 --> 00:19:51,991 - IS HE GONNA BE OKAY? 520 00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:53,293 - MAYBE IF YOU PUT 521 00:19:53,326 --> 00:19:55,395 YOUR FUCKIN' CIGARETTE OUT. 522 00:19:55,428 --> 00:19:56,596 HE'S FINE. 523 00:19:56,629 --> 00:19:57,664 HE GOT DEPRESSED 524 00:19:57,697 --> 00:19:59,666 AND HE DRANK ALL THE COLD MEDICINE HE COULD FIND. 525 00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,968 HE'S SUCH A FUCKIN' QUEEN. 526 00:20:06,606 --> 00:20:07,607 - YOU CAME. 527 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:09,442 - 'COURSE I DID, BUDDY. 528 00:20:09,476 --> 00:20:11,244 HOW YOU DOING? 529 00:20:11,278 --> 00:20:12,912 - I HATE MYSELF, AND I WANT TO FUCKING DIE. 530 00:20:12,945 --> 00:20:15,014 - OH, BEEN THERE. 531 00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:16,015 - I DOUBT IT. 532 00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:17,284 WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY KNOW 533 00:20:17,317 --> 00:20:18,551 ABOUT BEING A FUCKED-UP GAY KID? 534 00:20:18,585 --> 00:20:21,354 - WE'RE ALL...GAY. 535 00:20:21,388 --> 00:20:24,424 IN--IN SOME FORM OR ANOTHER. 536 00:20:24,457 --> 00:20:29,329 WE'VE ALL HAD A GAY EXPERIENCE IN OUR PAST OR TWO. 537 00:20:29,362 --> 00:20:30,430 - YOU TOO? 538 00:20:30,463 --> 00:20:31,464 - OH, HELLS YEAH. 539 00:20:31,498 --> 00:20:33,566 - TELL ME ABOUT IT. 540 00:20:37,036 --> 00:20:40,640 - WELL, WHEN I WAS A-- WHEN I WAS A KID, 541 00:20:40,673 --> 00:20:43,810 BARELY A TEENAGER, 542 00:20:43,843 --> 00:20:46,646 MY BEST FRIEND AND I, MIKE METZ, 543 00:20:46,679 --> 00:20:50,983 YEAH, WE WOULD, UH, WE'D GET UNDRESSED.... 544 00:20:51,017 --> 00:20:54,954 - D-DON'T STOP. 545 00:20:54,987 --> 00:20:58,958 - RIGHT. AND, UM, YOU KNOW, 546 00:20:58,991 --> 00:21:02,295 WE WOULD--WE WOULD LAY IN BED TOGETHER... 547 00:21:02,329 --> 00:21:03,996 NAKED, UM, 548 00:21:04,030 --> 00:21:07,534 TOUCHING EACH OTHER'S... 549 00:21:07,567 --> 00:21:09,436 NAKED BODIES. 550 00:21:09,469 --> 00:21:11,538 YOU KNOW, JUST-- AND--AND IT WASN'T, LIKE, 551 00:21:11,571 --> 00:21:14,006 UH, SEXUAL OR GAY, 552 00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:16,376 BUT JUST MORE OF A... 553 00:21:16,409 --> 00:21:21,314 MORE OF AN EXPRESSION OF OUR PROFOUND FRIENDSHIP. 554 00:21:21,348 --> 00:21:23,650 - SEE, I DON'T KNOW. 555 00:21:23,683 --> 00:21:26,519 IT SOUNDS PRETTY FUCKING GAY TO ME. 556 00:21:26,553 --> 00:21:30,423 - IT DOES SOUND GAY. 557 00:21:30,457 --> 00:21:31,891 YOU KNOW WHAT? 558 00:21:31,924 --> 00:21:33,760 I'M SORRY IF I BUMMED YOU OUT. 559 00:21:33,793 --> 00:21:36,463 BUT YOU GOT TO CUT ME SOME SLACK HERE. 560 00:21:36,496 --> 00:21:37,930 I'M PRETTY NEW TO THIS TEACHING THING. 561 00:21:37,964 --> 00:21:40,633 I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I'M DOING. 562 00:21:40,667 --> 00:21:43,370 YOU KNOW WHAT I DUG ABOUT YOUR STORY? 563 00:21:43,403 --> 00:21:44,704 THERE WAS ONE LINE I LOVED. 564 00:21:44,737 --> 00:21:47,440 UM, "THE TWILIGHT OF HIS ETERNAL YOUTH." 565 00:21:47,474 --> 00:21:50,042 REALLY DUG THAT. STUCK IN MY HEAD. 566 00:21:50,076 --> 00:21:52,545 - I POLISHED THAT ONE FOR A WHILE, ACTUALLY. 567 00:21:52,579 --> 00:21:54,947 - MM. POLISH IT. 568 00:21:54,981 --> 00:21:57,684 - WELL, SHIT. I GOTTA GET TO WORK. 569 00:21:57,717 --> 00:21:59,619 YOU THINK YOU COULD STAY WITH HIM FOR A LITTLE BIT? 570 00:21:59,652 --> 00:22:02,655 - OH, NO, I HAVE, UH-- 571 00:22:02,689 --> 00:22:05,392 I GOT TO-- I GOT TO RUN TOO, SO... 572 00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:09,829 YEAH, I CAN. 573 00:22:09,862 --> 00:22:11,764 - NO. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR ME? 574 00:22:11,798 --> 00:22:13,099 - WHAT? 575 00:22:13,132 --> 00:22:15,435 - GIVE HER A RIDE. 576 00:22:15,468 --> 00:22:17,036 SHE TOOK THE BUS ALL THE WAY HERE. 577 00:22:17,069 --> 00:22:18,905 GOD KNOWS SHE'S TOO HOT FOR THAT. 578 00:22:18,938 --> 00:22:21,140 I WOULDN'T WANT HER GETTING RAPED ON MY ACCOUNT. 579 00:22:21,173 --> 00:22:23,576 - THAT WOULD BE MOST UNFORTUNATE. 580 00:22:23,610 --> 00:22:26,546 - COME WITH ME. MY RAPE-PROOF CHARIOT AWAITS. 581 00:22:26,579 --> 00:22:27,547 LATER, PALE SKIN. 582 00:22:27,580 --> 00:22:28,548 I HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER. 583 00:22:28,581 --> 00:22:30,583 KEEP SCRIBBLING. 584 00:22:30,617 --> 00:22:33,019 - NO KISS GOODNIGHT? - OH. 585 00:22:35,888 --> 00:22:38,558 - BYE, HONEY. 586 00:22:55,675 --> 00:22:58,645 [sensuous music] 587 00:22:58,678 --> 00:23:06,686 * 588 00:23:48,027 --> 00:23:50,697 - HUH?! CHARLIE! 589 00:23:50,730 --> 00:23:52,499 WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? 590 00:23:52,532 --> 00:23:53,766 - WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M DOING? 591 00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:54,601 I'M RAPING YOU. 592 00:23:54,634 --> 00:23:57,069 - GET OFF ME, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! 593 00:23:57,103 --> 00:23:58,070 - DO YOU LOVE IT? 594 00:23:58,104 --> 00:24:00,239 - NO! STOP IT NOW! 595 00:24:00,272 --> 00:24:01,240 - BECAUSE I LOVE IT. 596 00:24:01,273 --> 00:24:03,109 THIS IS SO NOT CONSENSUAL. 597 00:24:03,142 --> 00:24:06,579 [punch] - OH! OW! OW. 598 00:24:06,613 --> 00:24:08,848 OW. OW. 599 00:24:08,881 --> 00:24:11,684 OW. 600 00:24:11,718 --> 00:24:13,720 FUCK. 601 00:24:13,753 --> 00:24:15,688 - WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? 602 00:24:15,722 --> 00:24:18,124 - GUESS I THOUGHT IT WAS SOMETHING YOU MIGHT ENJOY. 603 00:24:18,157 --> 00:24:20,126 YOU KNOW, AND MAYBE IN THE MIDDLE YOU'D BE LIKE, 604 00:24:20,159 --> 00:24:22,261 "GOD, I REALLY DO LOVE THIS SCHMUCK." 605 00:24:22,294 --> 00:24:24,631 - YOU THOUGHT THAT IN THE MIDDLE OF RAPING ME 606 00:24:24,664 --> 00:24:26,232 I'D REALIZE HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU?! 607 00:24:26,265 --> 00:24:28,501 - SOMETHING LIKE THAT. 608 00:24:28,535 --> 00:24:32,505 YEAH. BUT IT SOUNDED A LOT BETTER THE WAY I SAID IT. 609 00:24:32,539 --> 00:24:34,541 AND, JUST TO BE FAIR, YOU KNOW, 610 00:24:34,574 --> 00:24:36,142 IT WAS A RAPE FANTASY. 611 00:24:36,175 --> 00:24:37,844 - FOR YOU, MAYBE. 612 00:24:37,877 --> 00:24:39,879 - OKAY. 613 00:24:39,912 --> 00:24:42,915 WELL, I'M SORRY FOR THE MISUNDERSTANDING. 614 00:24:42,949 --> 00:24:43,883 MY BAD. 615 00:24:48,020 --> 00:24:51,591 SORRY. THESE ARE YOURS. 616 00:24:51,624 --> 00:24:53,993 [sighs] 617 00:24:54,026 --> 00:24:56,996 [rock music] 618 00:24:57,029 --> 00:25:04,704 * 619 00:25:04,737 --> 00:25:05,872 - THIS IS WHERE YOU WORK? 620 00:25:05,905 --> 00:25:06,973 - YUP. 621 00:25:07,006 --> 00:25:08,741 - BUT YOU JUST WORK THE FRONT DESK 622 00:25:08,775 --> 00:25:10,777 OR YOU'RE THE CASHIER OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT, RIGHT? 623 00:25:10,810 --> 00:25:12,745 - SOMETHING LIKE THAT. 624 00:25:12,779 --> 00:25:14,046 - INTERESTING. 625 00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:15,748 - YOU WANT TO COME INSIDE? 626 00:25:15,782 --> 00:25:17,016 MAYBE WET YOUR WHISTLE? 627 00:25:17,049 --> 00:25:19,318 - WOULD THAT INVOLVE SEEING YOU NAKED? 628 00:25:19,351 --> 00:25:20,152 - OH, MOST DEFINITELY. 629 00:25:20,186 --> 00:25:22,321 - THEN, NO OFFENSE, BUT I THINK NOT. 630 00:25:22,354 --> 00:25:24,190 IN THE INTEREST OF STUDENT-TEACHER RELATIONS. 631 00:25:24,223 --> 00:25:27,226 - WOW. LOOK AT YOU WITH THE MORAL RECTITUDE. 632 00:25:27,259 --> 00:25:28,227 I'M IMPRESSED. 633 00:25:28,260 --> 00:25:29,896 - I KNOW. ME TOO. 634 00:25:29,929 --> 00:25:30,963 - THANKS FOR THE RIDE, PROF. 635 00:25:30,997 --> 00:25:31,764 - ANY TIME. 636 00:25:31,798 --> 00:25:33,666 WELL, YOU KNOW, NOT--NOT ANY TIME. 637 00:25:33,700 --> 00:25:35,768 I DON'T THINK THIS IS THE BEST HABIT TO GET INTO. 638 00:25:35,802 --> 00:25:36,869 - YOU WERE RIGHT, YOU KNOW? 639 00:25:36,903 --> 00:25:38,638 HE'S A SHITTY WRITER. 640 00:25:38,671 --> 00:25:40,272 SOMEONE HAD TO TELL HIM. 641 00:25:40,306 --> 00:25:42,108 YOU KNOW, PARENTS TELL THEIR KIDS 642 00:25:42,141 --> 00:25:44,243 THEY CAN BE ANYTHING THEY WANT WHEN THEY GROW UP. 643 00:25:44,276 --> 00:25:45,244 BUT IT'S NOT TRUE. 644 00:25:45,277 --> 00:25:46,813 NOT FOR EVERYONE. 645 00:25:46,846 --> 00:25:48,615 SOMETIMES THAT CAN FUCK YOU UP 646 00:25:48,648 --> 00:25:49,916 A LOT MORE THAN SOMEONE TELLING YOU 647 00:25:49,949 --> 00:25:52,251 YOU CAN'T DO A GODDAMN THING. 648 00:25:52,284 --> 00:25:56,022 BESIDES, YOU CAN'T REALLY TEACH WRITING, CAN YOU? 649 00:25:56,055 --> 00:25:57,757 - YOU'RE A SMART KID. YOU KNOW THAT? 650 00:25:57,790 --> 00:26:00,026 - DAMN STRAIGHT. 651 00:26:00,059 --> 00:26:02,962 ALL RIGHT, I GOT TO GO SHAKE MY MONEY-MAKERS. 652 00:26:02,995 --> 00:26:04,664 - OKAY. - HAVE A GOOD NIGHT. 653 00:26:04,697 --> 00:26:06,132 - YOU HAVE A GOOD NIGHT TOO. 654 00:26:06,165 --> 00:26:09,669 I HOPE YOU GET, UH, LOTS OF SINGLES...I GUESS. 655 00:26:09,702 --> 00:26:12,138 OR FIVES, OR... - ALL RIGHT. 656 00:26:12,171 --> 00:26:13,139 - BENJAMINS? I DON'T KNOW. 657 00:26:13,172 --> 00:26:14,807 - BYE. - BYE. 658 00:26:24,851 --> 00:26:26,252 HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING, SHORT STUFF? 659 00:26:26,285 --> 00:26:28,888 - OUT. - OUT, YOU SAY? 660 00:26:28,921 --> 00:26:29,889 OUT WHERE? 661 00:26:29,922 --> 00:26:30,890 - JUST OUT. 662 00:26:30,923 --> 00:26:32,158 - JUST OUT? 663 00:26:32,191 --> 00:26:33,693 I'M NOT FAMILIAR WITH THAT AREA. 664 00:26:33,726 --> 00:26:35,695 - THE PROMENADE. I'M MEETING CHELSEA. 665 00:26:35,728 --> 00:26:38,998 - OH, NOT SO FAST. HOW YOU GONNA GET THERE? 666 00:26:39,031 --> 00:26:41,868 - I DON'T KNOW. I'LL WALK OR TAKE THE BUS. 667 00:26:41,901 --> 00:26:42,935 - DID YOU EVEN THINK TO ASK? 668 00:26:42,969 --> 00:26:45,037 - I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D CARE. 669 00:26:45,071 --> 00:26:47,273 - WELL, SORRY, HONEY. LOOKS LIKE I DO. 670 00:26:47,306 --> 00:26:48,274 - OKAY, GOOD TO KNOW. 671 00:26:48,307 --> 00:26:50,376 SO CAN I GO? - NO. 672 00:26:50,409 --> 00:26:52,078 WHY DON'T YOU STAY IN WITH ME TONIGHT? 673 00:26:52,111 --> 00:26:54,146 YOU KNOW, WE'LL-- WE'LL WATCH A MOVIE. 674 00:26:54,180 --> 00:26:55,414 POP SOME CORN. 675 00:26:55,447 --> 00:26:57,083 THE PROMENADE WILL ALWAYS BE THERE. 676 00:26:57,116 --> 00:26:58,651 UNFORTUNATELY. 677 00:26:58,685 --> 00:27:00,019 - YEAH, SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD TIME, 678 00:27:00,052 --> 00:27:01,788 BUT I THINK I'D RATHER GO OUT. 679 00:27:01,821 --> 00:27:03,890 - WELL, I--I THINK I'D RATHER HAVE YOU STAY HOME. 680 00:27:03,923 --> 00:27:04,791 HOW 'BOUT THAT? 681 00:27:04,824 --> 00:27:07,794 - GOT IT. LOUD AND CLEAR. SO CAN I GO? 682 00:27:07,827 --> 00:27:10,362 - ASKED AND ANSWERED, BECCA. - WHY? 683 00:27:10,396 --> 00:27:13,265 - BECAUSE I SAID SO. - BECAUSE YOU SAID SO? 684 00:27:13,299 --> 00:27:16,435 - BECAUSE I SAID SO. - JESUS. 685 00:27:16,468 --> 00:27:19,005 - WHO ARE YOU TEXTING? - CHELSEA. 686 00:27:19,038 --> 00:27:20,873 TO TELL HER YOU'RE BEING A TOTAL DICK RIGHT NOW. 687 00:27:20,907 --> 00:27:22,341 - WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU? 688 00:27:22,374 --> 00:27:24,844 WHEN DID YOU BECOME SUCH A LITTLE SNOT? 689 00:27:24,877 --> 00:27:26,112 THAT IS NOT FUNNY, BECCA. 690 00:27:26,145 --> 00:27:28,915 - IT'S FUNNY TO ME. 691 00:27:33,452 --> 00:27:34,721 [glass shatters] 692 00:27:34,754 --> 00:27:36,322 - I FUCKING HATE YOU! 693 00:27:36,355 --> 00:27:38,057 - YEAH, AND I FUCKIN' HATE YOU TOO, 694 00:27:38,090 --> 00:27:41,027 YOU LITTLE SHIT. 695 00:27:41,060 --> 00:27:43,462 [door slams] 696 00:27:43,495 --> 00:27:46,665 Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com