1 00:00:10,111 --> 00:00:11,011 PREVIOUSLY ON "CALIFORNICATION"... 2 00:00:11,812 --> 00:00:12,780 SO, HANK. MEREDITH. 3 00:00:12,813 --> 00:00:15,649 HAVE YOU WRITTEN ANYTHING I MIGHT HAVE READ? 4 00:00:15,683 --> 00:00:18,419 WELL, THAT DEPENDS ON WHETHER OR NOT YOU READ, MEREDITH. 5 00:00:18,452 --> 00:00:21,722 THE GOOD PEOPLE HELL-A ARE VERY INTERESTED IN YOUR THOUGHTS. 6 00:00:21,755 --> 00:00:25,626 THEY WOULD LIKE YOU TO BLOG FOR THEM. 7 00:00:26,694 --> 00:00:29,063 JESUS H. CHRIST. 8 00:00:29,097 --> 00:00:30,264 I AM 16, YOU KNOW. 9 00:00:30,298 --> 00:00:31,465 SO I'VE BEEN TOLD. 10 00:00:31,499 --> 00:00:32,800 HI, DADDY! 11 00:00:32,833 --> 00:00:34,568 HONEY, PUT SOME CLOTHES ON. WE HAVE COMPANY. 12 00:00:34,602 --> 00:00:36,737 ARE YOU TOTALLY SERIOUS ABOUT MARRYING BILL? 13 00:00:36,770 --> 00:00:38,606 YES. WHY? 14 00:00:38,639 --> 00:00:39,740 WHAT ABOUT HANK? 15 00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:41,209 GAME ON, BROHEME. 16 00:00:41,242 --> 00:00:42,210 [ COUGHS ] 17 00:00:42,243 --> 00:00:43,477 YOU WANT TO GET FUCKED UP? 18 00:00:43,511 --> 00:00:44,612 OH. 19 00:00:46,214 --> 00:00:47,515 OH, GOD. 20 00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:51,819 MUST BE WEIRD, THOUGH. WHAT? 21 00:00:51,852 --> 00:00:54,088 BECOMING THE EMPLOYEE OF A MAN YOU SO CLEARLY HATE. 22 00:00:54,122 --> 00:00:55,123 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 23 00:00:55,156 --> 00:00:57,791 MY FATHER -- HE OWNS HELL-A MAGAZINE. 24 00:01:04,865 --> 00:01:07,335 Hank: ONCE UPON A TIME, I WROTE A BOOK. 25 00:01:07,368 --> 00:01:09,570 PEOPLE SEEMED TO DIG IT, SO I WROTE ANOTHER 26 00:01:09,603 --> 00:01:11,372 AND ONE AFTER THAT. 27 00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:13,707 THAT'S WHEN HOLLYWOOD CAME KNOCKING AT MY BACK DOOR. 28 00:01:13,741 --> 00:01:15,876 AS SOON AS I CASHED THAT CHECK, I WRAPPED MY LIPS 29 00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:19,213 AROUND THE MIGHTY ERECTION THAT IS THE FILM INDUSTRY 30 00:01:19,247 --> 00:01:22,583 AND SUCKED HARD -- JUST LIKE A GOOD WHORE SHOULD. 31 00:01:22,616 --> 00:01:23,517 UNFORTUNATELY, 32 00:01:23,551 --> 00:01:25,486 I HAD TO BE TAUGHT NOT TO ORPHAN THE BALLS. 33 00:01:25,519 --> 00:01:26,320 MOODY! 34 00:01:26,354 --> 00:01:28,756 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TODD CARR -- 35 00:01:28,789 --> 00:01:31,392 THE CARAMEL-COATED, CHROME-DOMED AUTEUR 36 00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:33,794 WHO TOOK MY PRECIOUS LITTLE NOVEL, WIPED HIS ASS, 37 00:01:33,827 --> 00:01:36,630 AND TRANSFORMED IT INTO THE CRAPTASTIC CROWD-PLEASER 38 00:01:36,664 --> 00:01:38,799 ALSO KNOWN AS "CRAZY LITTLE THING CALLED LOVE." 39 00:01:38,832 --> 00:01:40,901 [ BOOING ] 40 00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:42,102 MY PEOPLE. 41 00:01:42,136 --> 00:01:44,505 YOU STILL BITCHING ABOUT WHORING YOURSELF OUT TO HOLLYWOOD? 42 00:01:44,538 --> 00:01:46,374 ONLY WHEN MY PIMP'S NOT AROUND. 43 00:01:46,407 --> 00:01:48,542 YOU'RE NO GODDAMN FUCKING FAULKNER, YOU KNOW. 44 00:01:48,576 --> 00:01:50,911 AND YOU'RE NO BRETT FUCKING RATNER. 45 00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:52,680 ALTHOUGH THAT COULD BE A COMPLIMENT, 46 00:01:52,713 --> 00:01:54,282 AND IN THAT CASE, I DIDN'T MEAN TO. 47 00:01:54,315 --> 00:01:57,485 I'M SICK OF YOU TALKING SHIT ABOUT ME IN THE PRESS. 48 00:01:57,518 --> 00:01:59,253 OH, THAT'S WHY YOU'RE HERE. 49 00:01:59,287 --> 00:02:01,489 I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT HAVE COME BY BECAUSE YOU FOUND OUT 50 00:02:01,522 --> 00:02:03,624 I FUCKED YOUR WIFE IN ALMOST EVERY ROOM OF YOUR HOUSE. 51 00:02:03,657 --> 00:02:05,159 NO? EVERY ROOM OF YOUR HOUSE. 52 00:02:05,193 --> 00:02:06,494 AND I'M SORRY ABOUT THE RUG. 53 00:02:06,527 --> 00:02:08,896 I DIDN'T REALIZE THE OLD LADY WAS A SQUIRTER. 54 00:02:08,929 --> 00:02:10,798 [ CROWD MURMURS ] 55 00:02:21,542 --> 00:02:22,410 OHH! 56 00:03:07,255 --> 00:03:09,357 [ SIREN WAILS ] 57 00:03:09,390 --> 00:03:11,392 [ INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER ] 58 00:03:17,398 --> 00:03:18,466 Bill: HANK. 59 00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:20,901 WHERE'S KAREN? 60 00:03:20,934 --> 00:03:23,304 HOME, WITH BECCA. 61 00:03:23,337 --> 00:03:24,505 SHE'S FUNNY, THAT ONE. 62 00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:26,707 BECCA? YEAH, SHE IS A REAL CHARACTER. 63 00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:29,577 NO -- KAREN. SHE KNOWS HOW TO PUSH MY ALL BUTTONS. 64 00:03:29,610 --> 00:03:31,912 I DON'T THINK SHE'S TRYING TO PUSH YOUR BUTTONS, HANK. 65 00:03:31,945 --> 00:03:33,981 BILL, I'M NOT REALLY INTERESTED IN WHAT YOU THINK, 66 00:03:34,014 --> 00:03:35,749 BUT THANK YOU FOR SHARING. 67 00:03:35,783 --> 00:03:37,651 I WANTED TO COME. 68 00:03:37,685 --> 00:03:38,752 YOU DID? 69 00:03:38,786 --> 00:03:40,254 I'M NOT THE BAD GUY. 70 00:03:40,288 --> 00:03:41,789 YOU'RE NOT THE BAD GUY? 71 00:03:41,822 --> 00:03:43,791 LIFE IS COMPLICATED, MAN. 72 00:03:43,824 --> 00:03:46,860 "LIFE IS COMPLICATED, MAN." THAT'S WHAT YOU GOT? 73 00:03:46,894 --> 00:03:49,363 WAY TO DIP INTO THE PLATITUDES. 74 00:03:49,397 --> 00:03:51,265 I GUESS THAT'S WHY YOU'RE THE WRITER, HANK. 75 00:03:51,299 --> 00:03:52,666 OH, FUCK. 76 00:03:52,700 --> 00:03:54,735 I DIDN'T ASK FOR YOU TO FUCKING COME BAIL ME OUT. 77 00:03:54,768 --> 00:03:56,270 I DIDN'T ASK FOR A FUCKING JOB. 78 00:03:56,304 --> 00:03:58,005 I DON'T KNOW WHO THE FUCK YOU THINK YOU ARE. 79 00:03:58,038 --> 00:04:00,408 YOU THINK I'M DYING TO BE IN BUSINESS WITH YOU? 80 00:04:00,441 --> 00:04:02,743 SOME RUDE, DISRESPECTFUL JACKASS 81 00:04:02,776 --> 00:04:04,612 WHO CAN'T GET OUT OF HIS OWN WAY? 82 00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:06,347 YOU LOOKING FOR A DICK PUNCH? 83 00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:08,682 DO YOU WANT TO PUNCH ME IN THE DICK? 84 00:04:08,716 --> 00:04:10,818 I KIND OF DO, YEAH, BUT STANDING HERE TALKING ABOUT IT 85 00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:12,386 IS BEGINNING TO SOUND KIND OF GAY. 86 00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:14,054 GO AHEAD. TAKE A SHOT. 87 00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:15,656 BUT THINK -- 88 00:04:15,689 --> 00:04:17,758 WOULD YOU WANT BECCA TO SEE THIS? 89 00:04:17,791 --> 00:04:19,960 I'LL SETTLE FOR A TITTY TWISTER. 90 00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:24,798 Bill: GOD. YOU'RE 11. 91 00:04:24,832 --> 00:04:27,301 OHH. FUCK. 92 00:04:27,335 --> 00:04:28,536 KEEP THE JOB, HANK. 93 00:04:28,569 --> 00:04:32,773 GET BACK ON YOUR FEET. GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE. 94 00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:35,843 AND FORGET ABOUT THE WOMAN YOU DIDN'T WANT TO MARRY. 95 00:04:37,010 --> 00:04:40,414 DON'T MAKE ME GET UP AND KICK YOUR ASS ALL OVER AGAIN, BILL! 96 00:04:43,684 --> 00:04:44,685 [ CHUCKLES ] 97 00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:46,720 [ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING ] 98 00:04:53,727 --> 00:04:57,831 * PAIN AND MISERY 99 00:04:57,865 --> 00:05:01,535 * FOUND THIS LIFE, IT'S GOT IT IN FOR ME... * 100 00:05:01,569 --> 00:05:03,404 [ LAUGHS ] 101 00:05:03,437 --> 00:05:05,873 * ...PAIN AND MISERY... 102 00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:07,541 [ LAUGHS ] 103 00:05:07,575 --> 00:05:10,844 * ...THAT GIRL, SHE GOT IT IN FOR ME * 104 00:05:10,878 --> 00:05:15,683 * PA-A-IN AND MISERY, BABY 105 00:05:15,716 --> 00:05:19,086 * YEAH, YEAH 106 00:05:19,119 --> 00:05:23,090 * NO MORE PAIN AND MISERY 107 00:05:23,123 --> 00:05:25,025 HI. REMEMBER ME? 108 00:05:26,594 --> 00:05:27,428 HOW COULD I FORGET? 109 00:05:27,461 --> 00:05:29,096 BEST BLIND DATE OF MY LIFE, ASSHOLE. 110 00:05:29,129 --> 00:05:30,263 WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME. 111 00:05:30,297 --> 00:05:32,700 YOUR SUITOR WILL BE RETURNING FROM THE SHITTER POSTHASTE, 112 00:05:32,733 --> 00:05:35,736 BUT IN HIS ABSENCE, I WOULD LIKE TO OFFER MY SINCERE APOLOGIES. 113 00:05:35,769 --> 00:05:37,438 MY BEHAVIOR THE OTHER NIGHT 114 00:05:37,471 --> 00:05:40,608 WAS BEYOND APPALLING, DESPICABLE, REPREHENSIBLE. 115 00:05:40,641 --> 00:05:42,576 I WAS A MESS. I HAVE NO WORDS. 116 00:05:42,610 --> 00:05:44,978 FOR A GUY WITH NO WORDS, THAT WAS A LOT OF WORDS. 117 00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:46,847 THAT'S FUNNY. 118 00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:49,717 I-I WOULDN'T HAVE EXPECTED THAT FROM YOU. 119 00:05:49,750 --> 00:05:52,152 BECAUSE YOU HAD ME SO NAILED. 120 00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:54,054 HMM. WELL, LET ME MAKE IT UP TO YOU. 121 00:05:54,087 --> 00:05:56,624 LET ME -- CAN I... TAKE YOU OUT SOMETIME? 122 00:05:56,657 --> 00:05:58,058 I'M OUT RIGHT NOW -- 123 00:05:58,091 --> 00:06:00,728 WITH A GUY WHO'S NOT AN ASSHOLE. 124 00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:04,598 RIGHT. WELL, DO YOU SEE YOURSELF MARRYING THIS FELLA? 125 00:06:04,632 --> 00:06:05,866 YOU NEVER KNOW. 126 00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:07,401 GIRLS KNOW IN A MATTER OF SECONDS 127 00:06:07,435 --> 00:06:09,403 WHETHER THEY WANT TO FUCK, MARRY, OR KILL A GUY. 128 00:06:09,437 --> 00:06:10,938 WHICH BEGS THE QUESTION, HOW AM I DOING? 129 00:06:10,971 --> 00:06:12,973 BYE NOW. 130 00:06:14,808 --> 00:06:16,944 [ French accent ] BE GOOD TO HER, MY FRIEND. 131 00:06:16,977 --> 00:06:19,413 I HAD A SHOT WITH HER ONCE, BUT I BLEW IT. 132 00:06:19,447 --> 00:06:22,015 HANG OUT WITH YOUR WANG OUT, BUT REMEMBER -- 133 00:06:22,049 --> 00:06:25,886 NO GLOVING, NO LOVING. 134 00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:28,722 AU REVOIR, MES ENFANTS. AU REVOIR. 135 00:06:37,931 --> 00:06:39,767 SO... 136 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:41,835 YOU WERE BROUGHT UP ON THE EAST COAST. 137 00:06:41,869 --> 00:06:43,170 JERSEY MAYBE. 138 00:06:43,203 --> 00:06:45,205 NO -- LONG ISLAND. 139 00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:47,841 DAD HAD A CHIP ON HIS SHOULDER, BLUE ON HIS COLLAR. 140 00:06:47,875 --> 00:06:49,810 MOM WAS A LITTLE BEAT DOWN BY IT ALL, 141 00:06:49,843 --> 00:06:52,212 BUT SHE WAS THE ONE WHO ENCOURAGED YOU TO DREAM BIG. 142 00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:53,781 THEY FOUGHT LIKE CATS AND DOGS, 143 00:06:53,814 --> 00:06:55,949 BUT THEY STAYED TOGETHER THROUGH GOOD TIMES AND BAD. 144 00:06:55,983 --> 00:06:58,952 YOU HAD SISTERS. YOU LEARNED ABOUT GIRLS. 145 00:06:58,986 --> 00:07:03,190 YOU WERE GOOD WITH THEM -- MAYBE A LITTLE TOO GOOD. 146 00:07:03,223 --> 00:07:05,192 YOU READ BOOKS, AND YOU DIDN'T WANT TO DIE 147 00:07:05,225 --> 00:07:07,127 FIVE MILES FROM WHERE YOU WERE BORN. 148 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:09,530 SO YOU ESCAPED INTO THE CITY YOU ROMANTICIZED 149 00:07:09,563 --> 00:07:12,533 AND REINVENTED YOURSELF AS A POOR MAN'S McINERNEY. 150 00:07:12,566 --> 00:07:14,968 HOW AM I DOING? 151 00:07:15,002 --> 00:07:18,972 PRETTY GOOD -- A LOT MORE GRACIOUS THAN MINE. 152 00:07:19,006 --> 00:07:20,941 I-I BLACKED OUT THERE IN THE MIDDLE, 153 00:07:20,974 --> 00:07:23,577 WHEN YOU WERE REALLY STRUMMING MY PAIN WITH YOUR FINGERS, 154 00:07:23,611 --> 00:07:24,945 BUT... 155 00:07:24,978 --> 00:07:25,979 WELL DONE. 156 00:07:26,013 --> 00:07:27,014 [ CHUCKLES ] 157 00:07:27,047 --> 00:07:28,982 HOW LONG YOU BEEN WORKING ON THAT? 158 00:07:29,016 --> 00:07:30,751 A COUPLE OF WEEKS. 159 00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:32,953 IT'S A GOOD STORY. 160 00:07:32,986 --> 00:07:34,722 ANY IDEA HOW IT ENDS? 161 00:07:57,611 --> 00:07:58,746 [ GASPS ] 162 00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:07,855 HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? 163 00:08:07,888 --> 00:08:09,122 I HAVE TO GET TO WORK. 164 00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:11,992 A JOB? WHAT DO YOU DO? 165 00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:15,128 WELL, DON'T YOU REMEMBER? I'M A POOR GAL'S MARTHA STEWART. 166 00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:17,998 DON'T YOU REMEMBER I'M AN ASSHOLE? 167 00:08:18,031 --> 00:08:20,267 RIGHT. I'M AN ATTORNEY. 168 00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:22,002 OH, THEN WE'RE BOTH ASSHOLES. 169 00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:23,804 WHAT'S YOUR THING? 170 00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:25,739 DIVORCE. 171 00:08:25,773 --> 00:08:27,274 AYE, YOU MUST BE A BUSY GIRL. 172 00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:30,277 THAT I AM, WHICH IS WHY I HAVE TO SKEDADDLE. 173 00:08:30,310 --> 00:08:31,344 I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WERE TRYING 174 00:08:31,378 --> 00:08:33,280 TO SLINK OUT OF HERE WITHOUT SAYING GOODBYE TO ME. 175 00:08:33,313 --> 00:08:35,649 HANK. PLEASE. 176 00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:37,751 I ASSUME THIS WAS A ONE-TIME THING. 177 00:08:37,785 --> 00:08:40,287 WHY WOULD YOU ASSUME SOMETHING LIKE THAT? 178 00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:41,955 [ CLEARS THROAT ] 179 00:08:41,989 --> 00:08:44,324 NO OFFENSE, BUT YOU DON'T SEEM LIKE THE KIND OF GUY 180 00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:46,627 WHO'S LOOKING FOR A LOT OF REPEAT BUSINESS. 181 00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:49,029 I'M OFFENDED. HOW ABOUT TONIGHT? 182 00:08:49,062 --> 00:08:50,063 ARE YOU SURE? 183 00:08:50,097 --> 00:08:55,068 YEAH, A PROPER DATE -- DINNER, 20th-CENTURY STYLE. 184 00:08:55,102 --> 00:08:57,304 I'D BE JUST AS HAPPY TO COME BACK HERE. 185 00:08:57,337 --> 00:08:59,306 NO. NO, NO, NO. DINNER. 186 00:08:59,339 --> 00:09:03,110 A GIRL'S GOT TO EAT. 187 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,082 THAT SHE DOES. 188 00:09:20,761 --> 00:09:22,129 [ URINATING ] 189 00:09:29,703 --> 00:09:31,204 [ URINATING CONTINUES ] 190 00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:33,073 UH, ARE YOU GONNA FLUSH? AAH! 191 00:09:33,106 --> 00:09:34,374 [ EXHALES SHARPLY ] 192 00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:36,810 WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE? 193 00:09:36,844 --> 00:09:38,612 THE REDHEAD LET ME IN. 194 00:09:38,646 --> 00:09:42,149 QUESTION -- DOES THE CARPET MATCH THE DRAPES, HANKY-PANKY? 195 00:09:42,182 --> 00:09:44,251 YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME. 196 00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:46,687 I KNOW. YOU SCREAMED JUST LIKE A LITTLE GIRL. 197 00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:48,288 KIND OF A TURNOFF, ACTUALLY. 198 00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:49,957 WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT? 199 00:09:49,990 --> 00:09:52,259 I'M LATE. WHAT?! 200 00:09:52,292 --> 00:09:55,829 THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE. I-I-I WORE A CONDOM. 201 00:09:55,863 --> 00:09:59,099 THAT'S -- THAT WOULD BE LIKE THE IMMACULATE CONCEPTION. 202 00:09:59,132 --> 00:10:01,168 AND YOU -- YOU'RE THE ONE WHO -- Y-YOU -- 203 00:10:01,201 --> 00:10:02,402 AND THEN YOU LEFT. 204 00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:04,137 I'M LATE FOR SCHOOL. 205 00:10:04,171 --> 00:10:06,239 OH. OKAY. 206 00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:09,042 WELL, THEN, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, 207 00:10:09,076 --> 00:10:10,310 BESIDES THE OBVIOUS? 208 00:10:10,343 --> 00:10:12,112 DON'T FLATTER YOURSELF, CHAMP. 209 00:10:12,145 --> 00:10:13,847 I HAVE A CREATIVE-WRITING COURSE, 210 00:10:13,881 --> 00:10:16,884 AND I NEED TO TURN SOMETHING IN TODAY, SO... 211 00:10:16,917 --> 00:10:19,987 OKAY, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? IT'S CREATIVE WRITING. 212 00:10:20,020 --> 00:10:21,989 BE CREATIVE. WRITE SOMETHING. 213 00:10:22,022 --> 00:10:25,258 THIS FROM A GUY WHO HASN'T WRITTEN A WORD IN FIVE YEARS? 214 00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:27,194 NOBODY LIKES A SMARTASS. 215 00:10:27,227 --> 00:10:29,129 YOU MUST HAVE SOME PIECE-OF-SHIT SHORT STORY 216 00:10:29,162 --> 00:10:30,898 YOU NEVER PUBLISHED AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE. 217 00:10:30,931 --> 00:10:32,065 NO. NO, NOTHING. 218 00:10:32,099 --> 00:10:34,134 Karen: HANK? 219 00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:35,435 [ DRAWER SLAMS ] 220 00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:36,804 STOP THAT. 221 00:10:36,837 --> 00:10:38,071 And don't move. 222 00:10:38,105 --> 00:10:39,673 Don't fuck around. 223 00:10:39,707 --> 00:10:41,408 Do not fuck around! 224 00:10:41,441 --> 00:10:44,044 It's not funny. 225 00:10:48,181 --> 00:10:49,783 HEY, LOOK WHO'S HERE. 226 00:10:49,817 --> 00:10:51,752 YOU DON'T CALL. YOU DON'T WRITE. 227 00:10:51,785 --> 00:10:53,954 YOU LOOK LIKE SHIT. 228 00:10:53,987 --> 00:10:54,888 AND YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL -- 229 00:10:54,922 --> 00:10:56,757 FAR TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR THESE FOUR WALLS. 230 00:10:56,790 --> 00:10:58,191 LET'S GO OUT AND GET SOME BREAKFAST. 231 00:10:58,225 --> 00:11:00,427 I'M GETTING COFFEE. NO, WE'LL GO OUT. WE'LL GET IT. 232 00:11:00,460 --> 00:11:01,895 GET DRESSED. 233 00:11:01,929 --> 00:11:03,196 Fuck! 234 00:11:07,334 --> 00:11:08,435 HANK? 235 00:11:08,468 --> 00:11:09,770 YEAH? 236 00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:12,172 I JUST WANTED -- 237 00:11:12,205 --> 00:11:15,108 WHAT, NO POINTS FOR SAFETY? 238 00:11:15,142 --> 00:11:17,310 YES, BUT MAGNUMS? WOW. 239 00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:18,345 YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW. 240 00:11:18,378 --> 00:11:20,047 DID YOU HAVE A GROWTH SPURT? 241 00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:22,315 WELL, NO, I BEEN -- I BEEN WORKING OUT. 242 00:11:22,349 --> 00:11:24,117 JUST A LOT OF VITAMINS. 243 00:11:24,151 --> 00:11:26,920 I GOT A WHOLE -- I GOT A REGIMEN. 244 00:11:26,954 --> 00:11:30,357 HANK, DO NOT QUIT THIS JOB. 245 00:11:30,390 --> 00:11:32,259 IT'S HARDLY A JOB, KAREN. 246 00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:33,293 IT'S A BLOG. 247 00:11:33,326 --> 00:11:35,495 IT'S BY FAR THE BEST THING THAT'S HAPPENED TO YOU 248 00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:37,230 IN A LONG TIME, AND YOU'RE GOOD AT IT. 249 00:11:37,264 --> 00:11:39,800 WELL, I JUST CAN'T WORK FOR BILL. 250 00:11:39,833 --> 00:11:40,868 WHY NOT? 251 00:11:40,901 --> 00:11:42,936 WELL, FOR ONE, HE'S A DICK. 252 00:11:42,970 --> 00:11:45,138 COULD YOU JUST SWALLOW YOUR STUPID PRIDE 253 00:11:45,172 --> 00:11:46,974 AND KEEP THE JOB, KEEP WRITING, 254 00:11:47,007 --> 00:11:49,743 KEEP DOING WHAT YOU WERE PUT ON THIS PLANET TO DO? 255 00:11:49,777 --> 00:11:51,211 WHAT ELSE IS THERE FOR YOU 256 00:11:51,244 --> 00:11:53,747 BESIDES DROWNING IN A SEA OF POINTLESS PUSSY? 257 00:11:53,781 --> 00:11:54,782 [ THUD ] 258 00:11:58,185 --> 00:12:00,153 IT'S THE NEIGHBORS. 259 00:12:00,187 --> 00:12:02,890 OKAY. DO YOU KNOW WHAT? 260 00:12:02,923 --> 00:12:05,225 I SHOULD GO IN THERE. I'M GONNA GO IN THERE. 261 00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:07,961 I'M GONNA GO IN THERE AND TELL HER WHAT TO EXPECT 262 00:12:07,995 --> 00:12:09,029 AND HOW TO TREAT IT. 263 00:12:09,062 --> 00:12:10,097 IT'S ONLY FAIR. 264 00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:11,198 THERE ARE SOME IMAGES 265 00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:14,534 YOU DON'T WANT FLOATING AROUND YOUR PRETTY LITTLE HEAD. 266 00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:18,505 TRUST ME, IT'S LIKE A MAPPLETHORPE SHOOT IN THERE, 267 00:12:18,538 --> 00:12:20,307 EXCEPT WITH LESS COCK. 268 00:12:20,340 --> 00:12:24,177 SHUT UP, OKAY? SHUT UP. 269 00:12:24,211 --> 00:12:25,779 UGH! 270 00:12:28,315 --> 00:12:29,883 KEEP THE JOB, HANK. 271 00:12:29,917 --> 00:12:31,551 DO IT FOR BECCA'S SAKE. 272 00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:34,321 GIVE HER SOMETHING TO LOOK UP TO. 273 00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:41,929 THANKS FOR STOPPING BY. 274 00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:00,881 JUST SUPPOSE YOU'RE A GUY 275 00:13:00,914 --> 00:13:03,216 AND YOU'RE GETTING A MASSAGE FROM ANOTHER GUY, 276 00:13:03,250 --> 00:13:04,885 AND IT'S NICE, IT'S RELAXING. 277 00:13:04,918 --> 00:13:07,187 THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOU GET A LITTLE TINGLE, 278 00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:09,156 A LITTLE UNINTENTIONAL STIM. 279 00:13:09,189 --> 00:13:10,891 WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT, 280 00:13:10,924 --> 00:13:13,293 WHERE YOU GET A LITTLE TURGIDITY? 281 00:13:13,326 --> 00:13:15,095 YOU KNOW, YOU GET A ROLLOVER GOING THERE. 282 00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:16,897 THAT WAS NORA FROM HELL-A MAGAZINE. 283 00:13:16,930 --> 00:13:19,166 SHE WANTS TO KNOW WHEN SHE CAN EXPECT THE NEW PIECE. 284 00:13:19,199 --> 00:13:20,901 WHAT WOULD YOU CALL THAT PHENOMENON? 285 00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:24,571 HANK, THE WHOLE IDEA BEHIND THE BLOG IS AN ONGOING NARRATIVE. 286 00:13:24,604 --> 00:13:25,772 YOU UNDERSTAND? 287 00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:29,242 A SERIES OF EVENTS THAT FOLLOWS ANOTHER SERIES OF EVENTS. 288 00:13:29,276 --> 00:13:31,078 I GET THAT. I GET THAT. I REALLY DO. 289 00:13:31,111 --> 00:13:33,480 I JUST CAN'T WHORE MYSELF OUT TO THE TALL MAN ANYMORE. 290 00:13:33,513 --> 00:13:36,316 ONGOING OR NOT, I CAN'T DO IT. CAPISCE? 291 00:13:36,349 --> 00:13:40,387 WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, HANK, GROW THE FUCK UP ALREADY. 292 00:13:40,420 --> 00:13:42,122 COME ON, YOU'RE THE LYING COCKSUCKER 293 00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:44,057 THAT GOT ME INTO THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE. 294 00:13:44,091 --> 00:13:45,092 YOU SET ME UP. 295 00:13:45,125 --> 00:13:47,460 IF BY SET YOU UP, YOU MEAN CONTRIVE A SITUATION 296 00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:50,597 IN WHICH YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY START TO PRODUCE WORDS AGAIN, 297 00:13:50,630 --> 00:13:52,866 THEN, YES, OKAY, GUILTY AS CHARGED. 298 00:13:52,900 --> 00:13:54,935 YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME WHAT YOU WERE UP TO. 299 00:13:54,968 --> 00:13:56,003 THAT WAS BULLSHIT. 300 00:13:56,036 --> 00:13:57,337 YOU WOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT! 301 00:13:57,370 --> 00:14:00,007 OKAY, YOU SEE? YOU SEE WHAT I'M GETTING AT HERE? 302 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:02,142 OH, FUCK YOU. YOU'RE FIRED. 303 00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:04,945 YOU KNOW THAT YOU'VE FIRED ME ROUGHLY EVERY 90 DAYS 304 00:14:04,978 --> 00:14:06,880 SINCE WE STARTED TO WORK TOGETHER. 305 00:14:06,914 --> 00:14:10,217 YEAH, BECAUSE I'M A CONSISTENT MOTHERFUCKER. 306 00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:12,219 DON'T DO THIS, HANK, OKAY? NOT NOW. 307 00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:14,254 NO OTHER AGENT IN THEIR RIGHT MIND 308 00:14:14,287 --> 00:14:15,989 WOULD TAKE YOU ON AT THIS POINT. 309 00:14:16,023 --> 00:14:17,090 AND THE ONES WHO WOULD 310 00:14:17,124 --> 00:14:19,226 WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO GET YOU A JOB WRITING KIDDY PORN. 311 00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:20,560 YEAH, WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT. 312 00:14:20,593 --> 00:14:21,494 IT'S A BRONER. 313 00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:23,964 IT'S A BRONER -- THE WORD I'M LOOKING FOR. 314 00:14:23,997 --> 00:14:27,034 UNINTENTIONALLY MAN-INSPIRED BONER -- BRONER. 315 00:14:27,067 --> 00:14:29,202 DULY NOTED. 316 00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:34,307 BRONER! 317 00:14:34,341 --> 00:14:36,043 WHAT IS SO FUCKING DIFFICULT 318 00:14:36,076 --> 00:14:38,645 ABOUT DISTINGUISHING DIET FROM REGULAR, HUH? 319 00:14:38,678 --> 00:14:41,681 HERE. JUST GO. YOU'RE FIRED, ALL RIGHT? 320 00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:42,983 GET OUT. GO! 321 00:14:43,016 --> 00:14:44,952 FUCKING GET OUT OF HERE! 322 00:14:52,292 --> 00:14:55,062 Meredith: YOU OKAY THERE, TIGER? 323 00:14:55,095 --> 00:14:57,130 DID YOU EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE DAYS 324 00:14:57,164 --> 00:14:59,299 WHERE YOU FEEL LIKE A TIRED, OLD WHORE 325 00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:01,401 WHOSE UTERUS IS ABOUT TO FALL OUT? 326 00:15:01,434 --> 00:15:05,038 I THINK I'M IN TOUCH WITH THAT EMOTION. 327 00:15:05,072 --> 00:15:08,575 REALLY? I WAS JUST BEING DRAMATIC. DO TELL. 328 00:15:08,608 --> 00:15:11,411 THAT GUY YOU SAW ME WITH LAST NIGHT? 329 00:15:11,444 --> 00:15:12,445 HE'S MARRIED. 330 00:15:12,479 --> 00:15:15,282 OH, YOU DIRTY CHEATER, YOU. 331 00:15:15,315 --> 00:15:16,249 FIVE YEARS. 332 00:15:16,283 --> 00:15:19,086 BEEN FUCKING A MARRIED GUY FOR FIVE YEARS? 333 00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:20,420 CLASSY, HUH? 334 00:15:20,453 --> 00:15:22,355 I TEND TO THINK OF MYSELF 335 00:15:22,389 --> 00:15:25,692 AS A WHATEVER-MAKES-YOU-HAPPY KIND OF A GUY, 336 00:15:25,725 --> 00:15:27,360 BUT I HAVE TO ASK -- 337 00:15:27,394 --> 00:15:29,596 WHAT'S IN IT FOR YOU, LADY? 338 00:15:29,629 --> 00:15:31,698 I LOVE HIM. 339 00:15:31,731 --> 00:15:35,235 AND I TEND TO BELIEVE HIM WHEN HE SAYS HE LOVES ME. 340 00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:38,238 THAT SOUNDS LIKE A CHARMING LITTLE ROMCOM, 341 00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:41,708 EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE HE WON'T LEAVE HIS WIFE. 342 00:15:41,741 --> 00:15:43,343 THE GUY'S RICHER THAN GOD. 343 00:15:43,376 --> 00:15:45,445 HE DOESN'T WANT TO CUT IT IN HALF. 344 00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:47,047 I HAVEN'T KNOWN YOU VERY LONG, 345 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:49,049 AND THIS PROBABLY MEANS PRECIOUS LITTLE 346 00:15:49,082 --> 00:15:50,717 COMING FROM A GUY WHO TREATED YOU 347 00:15:50,750 --> 00:15:53,053 LIKE A PIECE OF PRISON ASS ON A BLIND DATE, 348 00:15:53,086 --> 00:15:56,223 BUT I THINK YOU DESERVE A HELL OF A LOT MORE. 349 00:15:58,525 --> 00:16:01,594 [ Crying ] MY BABY. 350 00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:04,197 YOU HAVE A BABY WITH THE MARRIED GUY? 351 00:16:04,231 --> 00:16:05,265 HOLY FUCK. 352 00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:08,668 NO, MY DOG... 353 00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:10,670 CAT STEVENS. 354 00:16:10,703 --> 00:16:13,740 YOU HAVE A DOG NAMED CAT STEVENS. 355 00:16:13,773 --> 00:16:16,276 HOLY FUCK! 356 00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:18,478 [ LAUGHS ] 357 00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:21,381 A GIFT FROM MARRIED GUY. 358 00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:24,251 I KNOW IT SOUNDS INCREDIBLY LAME, 359 00:16:24,284 --> 00:16:26,253 BUT HE WAS LIKE OUR BABY. 360 00:16:26,286 --> 00:16:29,356 THE ONE THING THAT WAS OURS -- JUST OURS. 361 00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:31,624 SO, HIS WIFE GOES OUT OF TOWN, 362 00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:34,761 AND I BRING CAT STEVENS OVER TO THE HOUSE. 363 00:16:34,794 --> 00:16:38,031 NATURALLY, THE BITCH COMES HOME EARLY. 364 00:16:38,065 --> 00:16:40,267 I BARELY HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO PUT ON MY CLOTHES 365 00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:41,401 AND SNEAK OUT THE BACK. 366 00:16:41,434 --> 00:16:44,671 AND THEN I REALIZED I LEFT HIM BEHIND. 367 00:16:44,704 --> 00:16:47,240 THAT FUCKING BITCH THOUGHT SWEET LITTLE CAT STEVENS 368 00:16:47,274 --> 00:16:49,109 WAS A GIFT FOR HER. 369 00:16:49,142 --> 00:16:51,378 MARRIED GUY DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING? 370 00:16:51,411 --> 00:16:53,646 HOW COULD HE? 371 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,715 HMM, THAT IS SICK. 372 00:16:55,748 --> 00:16:57,317 COME ON. 373 00:16:57,350 --> 00:16:59,319 WHERE ARE WE GOING? 374 00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:01,688 WE'RE GONNA FIX THIS. 375 00:17:12,632 --> 00:17:15,068 [ COMPUTER BEEPS ] 376 00:17:42,462 --> 00:17:44,131 [ GASPS ] 377 00:17:49,269 --> 00:17:50,537 [ GASPS ] 378 00:17:54,674 --> 00:17:56,343 [ UNZIPS ] 379 00:17:56,376 --> 00:17:59,379 [ BREATHING HEAVILY ] 380 00:18:08,488 --> 00:18:10,190 [ CELLPHONE RINGING ] 381 00:18:10,223 --> 00:18:12,359 [ GROANS ] 382 00:18:12,392 --> 00:18:15,528 [ PANTING ] 383 00:18:15,562 --> 00:18:17,364 [ RINGING CONTINUES ] 384 00:18:29,276 --> 00:18:30,810 HEY, HONEY. 385 00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:43,756 YOU'RE INSANE. 386 00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:45,758 YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING A MARRIED GUY FOR FIVE YEARS, 387 00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:47,394 YOU'VE GOT A DOG NAMED CAT STEVENS, 388 00:18:47,427 --> 00:18:48,495 AND I INSANE? 389 00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:49,429 POINT TAKEN. 390 00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:51,498 I GOT TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO GET IN THERE 391 00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:53,500 WITHOUT BREAKING A WINDOW OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. 392 00:18:53,533 --> 00:18:55,635 HOW ABOUT THIS? 393 00:18:55,668 --> 00:18:56,769 OH. 394 00:18:56,803 --> 00:18:59,672 [ INDISTINCT TALKING ON TELEVISION ] 395 00:19:04,411 --> 00:19:05,412 [ SQUEAKING ] 396 00:19:08,415 --> 00:19:09,816 CAT? 397 00:19:13,420 --> 00:19:15,588 AND YOU'LL NEVER HAVE DRIED-UP MEAT IN THE REFRIGERATOR. 398 00:19:15,622 --> 00:19:17,257 Hey. 399 00:19:17,290 --> 00:19:18,958 Cat Stevens. 400 00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:21,528 Come here, Cat. 401 00:19:21,561 --> 00:19:22,962 ROAST BEEF, LAMB, TURKEY. 402 00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:26,466 THIS KNIFE IS LIKE A HOT KNIFE GOING RIGHT THROUGH BUTTER. 403 00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:27,700 IT HAS A FORK WITH THE END, 404 00:19:27,734 --> 00:19:30,270 SO YOU PICK UP THE MEAT, DIP IT INTO THE GRAVY. 405 00:19:30,303 --> 00:19:32,539 REMEMBER, HERE'S A GRAPEFRUIT. LOOK AT THIS. 406 00:19:32,572 --> 00:19:35,542 NOT A SEED, NOT A DROP OF JUICE COMES OUT. 407 00:19:35,575 --> 00:19:37,944 Come here. 408 00:19:37,977 --> 00:19:39,979 I'll take you away from all this. 409 00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:42,415 [ WHIMPERS ] 410 00:19:42,449 --> 00:19:45,885 Cat! Yusuf Islam! 411 00:19:45,918 --> 00:19:48,221 "Be Straight" is a good song. 412 00:19:48,255 --> 00:19:50,757 Come here, Cat. Come here. 413 00:19:50,790 --> 00:19:53,560 Come on. 414 00:19:53,593 --> 00:19:56,463 [ MAN MOANING ] 415 00:20:05,938 --> 00:20:07,240 GO! 416 00:20:07,274 --> 00:20:09,208 GO! 417 00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:13,346 GO. GO, GO, GO. 418 00:20:13,380 --> 00:20:14,547 [ TIRES SCREECH ] 419 00:20:18,351 --> 00:20:20,520 OH. 420 00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:22,655 DON'T WORRY, I'LL BE GONE FOR GOOD IN A FEW MINUTES. 421 00:20:22,689 --> 00:20:28,495 UM, ACTUALLY, I WAS, UM -- I WAS GONNA CALL YOU. 422 00:20:28,528 --> 00:20:30,930 YOU COULD'VE E-MAILED. 423 00:20:30,963 --> 00:20:34,601 I-I THINK I OVERREACTED YESTERDAY, 424 00:20:34,634 --> 00:20:36,869 AND I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT, 425 00:20:36,903 --> 00:20:43,009 SO, UH, THE JOB IS YOURS IF -- IF YOU STILL WANT IT. 426 00:20:43,042 --> 00:20:45,478 I WANT IT. 427 00:20:45,512 --> 00:20:47,814 GOOD. 428 00:20:47,847 --> 00:20:49,482 BUT... 429 00:20:49,516 --> 00:20:51,651 BUT? 430 00:20:51,684 --> 00:20:55,788 FROM NOW ON, IF I MAKE A MISTAKE OR I SCREW SOMETHING UP, 431 00:20:55,822 --> 00:20:58,691 YOU SHOULD FEEL FREE TO DISCIPLINE ME 432 00:20:58,725 --> 00:21:01,027 IN WHATEVER WAY YOU SEE FIT. 433 00:21:01,060 --> 00:21:03,530 YOU'RE THE BOSS. 434 00:21:07,734 --> 00:21:10,503 OH, AND, UM, HANK CALLED. 435 00:21:10,537 --> 00:21:13,306 HE SAID YOU COULD STILL BE HIS AGENT IF YOU WANT. 436 00:21:13,340 --> 00:21:16,943 [ CHUCKLES ] 437 00:21:23,416 --> 00:21:25,318 [ WHIMPERS ] 438 00:21:25,352 --> 00:21:27,286 [ BARKS ] 439 00:21:30,623 --> 00:21:32,525 [ BARKS ] 440 00:21:32,559 --> 00:21:34,327 I THOUGHT THAT WAS YOU. 441 00:21:34,361 --> 00:21:37,664 I WOULD HAVE FOCUSED ON A DIFFERENT AREA ALTOGETHER. 442 00:21:37,697 --> 00:21:39,866 GET YOUR ASS BACK IN BED THEN. 443 00:21:39,899 --> 00:21:41,401 I GOT TO GO TO WORK. 444 00:21:41,434 --> 00:21:42,435 AH, YES, I DON'T THINK 445 00:21:42,469 --> 00:21:45,004 I'VE EVER DATED A WOMAN WHO HAD A JOB BEFORE. 446 00:21:46,706 --> 00:21:49,809 IS THAT WHAT WE'RE DOING? DATING? 447 00:21:49,842 --> 00:21:52,679 IT DOES FEEL THAT WAY -- 448 00:21:52,712 --> 00:21:57,083 KIND OF, SORT OF, MAYBE, A LITTLE BIT. 449 00:21:57,116 --> 00:21:59,452 [ Chuckling ] YEAH. 450 00:21:59,486 --> 00:22:01,588 I GUESS IT KIND OF DOES. 451 00:22:01,621 --> 00:22:04,757 TOO MANY TONGUES. 452 00:22:06,025 --> 00:22:07,960 HEY, TAKE YOUR FUCKING DOG. 453 00:22:07,994 --> 00:22:10,563 I DIDN'T HAVE THE HEART TO TELL YOU, 454 00:22:10,597 --> 00:22:12,432 BUT THAT'S NOT CAT STEVENS. 455 00:22:12,465 --> 00:22:13,566 WHAT? 456 00:22:13,600 --> 00:22:14,601 YOU TOOK THE WRONG DOG. 457 00:22:14,634 --> 00:22:16,869 SO NOT YOUR FAULT -- THE BITCH HAS A LOT OF THEM. 458 00:22:16,903 --> 00:22:19,138 [ CHUCKLES ] LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE. 459 00:22:19,171 --> 00:22:21,040 HE SEEMS TO REALLY LIKE YOU. 460 00:22:21,073 --> 00:22:23,510 [ WHIMPERS ] 461 00:22:28,681 --> 00:22:30,383 THANK YOU. 462 00:22:33,486 --> 00:22:35,522 THIS IS NOT A MACCHIATO. 463 00:22:35,555 --> 00:22:36,889 A MACCHIATO -- 464 00:22:42,962 --> 00:22:47,667 WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH YOU? 465 00:22:47,700 --> 00:22:50,837 WHATEVER YOU WANT, BOSS. 466 00:22:59,979 --> 00:23:01,681 [ GASPS ] 467 00:23:01,714 --> 00:23:03,650 LOOK WHAT A MESS I'VE MADE. 468 00:23:28,074 --> 00:23:29,542 [ GASPS ] 469 00:23:38,585 --> 00:23:40,553 GUESS WHO. 470 00:23:40,587 --> 00:23:42,188 MMM, SOMETHING'S FAMILIAR. 471 00:23:42,221 --> 00:23:44,657 DID YOU SWITCH TO CAMEL LIGHTS? 472 00:23:44,691 --> 00:23:47,093 AH, THAT'S CUTE. WHAT YOU READING? 473 00:23:47,126 --> 00:23:48,861 OH, YOU'RE NOT GONNA GO THROUGH 474 00:23:48,895 --> 00:23:51,063 WITH THAT BARBARIC RITUAL, ARE YOU? 475 00:23:51,097 --> 00:23:52,565 I WAS THINKING ABOUT IT. 476 00:23:52,599 --> 00:23:54,701 YOU DON'T SOUND TOO EXCITED. 477 00:23:54,734 --> 00:23:57,570 I AM. IT'S JUST WEIRD. 478 00:23:57,604 --> 00:23:59,138 I NEVER THOUGHT I'D GET MARRIED. 479 00:23:59,171 --> 00:24:00,573 YOU HAD ME CONVINCED 480 00:24:00,607 --> 00:24:02,609 IT WAS ALL A BULLSHIT FAIRY TALE. 481 00:24:02,642 --> 00:24:03,676 AND IT'S NOT? 482 00:24:03,710 --> 00:24:05,545 NOT IF YOU MEET THE RIGHT PERSON. 483 00:24:05,578 --> 00:24:07,680 YOU SAY IT'S ABOUT MEETING MR. RIGHT. 484 00:24:07,714 --> 00:24:10,550 I THINK YOU'RE SETTLING FOR MR. RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. 485 00:24:10,583 --> 00:24:14,954 I'M ASKING YOU TO CONSIDER MR. LURKING RIGHT ABOVE YOU. 486 00:24:14,987 --> 00:24:16,222 HANK, HANK, HANKIE. 487 00:24:16,255 --> 00:24:18,958 I WOULDN'T WANT TO ERASE THE FACT 488 00:24:18,991 --> 00:24:22,228 THAT, ONCE UPON A TIME, I USED TO LOVE YOU. 489 00:24:22,261 --> 00:24:24,597 BUT -- Bill: HANK! 490 00:24:24,631 --> 00:24:26,699 HELLO. WILLIAM. 491 00:24:26,733 --> 00:24:28,568 I-I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU. 492 00:24:28,601 --> 00:24:29,536 WOW. 493 00:24:29,569 --> 00:24:33,139 HANK, UH, HANK, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS. 494 00:24:33,172 --> 00:24:36,643 CONSIDERING I GOT MY PRECIOUS BODILY FLUIDS ALL OVER YOURS, 495 00:24:36,676 --> 00:24:38,110 I FELT LIKE, YEAH, I KIND OF DID. 496 00:24:38,144 --> 00:24:44,784 BUT THAT PIECE OF, UM, ART IS WORTH A SMALL FORTUNE. 497 00:24:44,817 --> 00:24:45,918 DON'T LOOK A GIFT PIECE 498 00:24:45,952 --> 00:24:47,754 OF OVERPRICED POP ART IN THE MOUTH. 499 00:24:47,787 --> 00:24:49,255 I KNOW PEOPLE WHO KNOW PEOPLE. 500 00:24:49,288 --> 00:24:50,222 JUST ENJOY IT. 501 00:24:50,256 --> 00:24:53,860 CONSIDER IT A BELATED ENGAGEMENT PRESENT. 502 00:24:53,893 --> 00:24:55,595 HANG IT OVER YOUR MARITAL BED. 503 00:24:55,628 --> 00:24:56,596 [ CHUCKLES ] 504 00:24:56,629 --> 00:24:59,131 WHAT'S UP WITH YOU? YOU SEEM KIND OF, UM -- 505 00:24:59,165 --> 00:25:00,600 JAUNTY? YES. 506 00:25:00,633 --> 00:25:02,168 DEVIL-MAY-CARE? YES. 507 00:25:02,201 --> 00:25:03,670 HAPPY? 508 00:25:03,703 --> 00:25:04,537 EVEN. 509 00:25:04,571 --> 00:25:05,872 WELL, MAYBE I MET A GIRL. 510 00:25:05,905 --> 00:25:07,874 HEY, DAD. HEY, HONEY. 511 00:25:07,907 --> 00:25:09,308 I'VE GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU, TOO. 512 00:25:09,341 --> 00:25:11,644 JUST HOLD ON. STAY RIGHT THERE. 513 00:25:13,713 --> 00:25:14,881 [ WHIMPERS ] 514 00:25:14,914 --> 00:25:16,683 I'M PARTIAL TO YUSUF ISLAM, 515 00:25:16,716 --> 00:25:19,619 BUT YOU CAN CALL HIM WHATEVER YOU WANT. 516 00:25:19,652 --> 00:25:21,654 AND, BILL, DON'T WORRY. HE CAN STAY WITH ME. 517 00:25:21,688 --> 00:25:23,055 THAT'S SO NICE OF YOU, HANK. 518 00:25:23,089 --> 00:25:26,292 Bill: YES, HANK, THAT'S VERY NICE OF YOU. 519 00:25:26,325 --> 00:25:29,629 WELL, YOU GUYS LOOK LIKE ONE BIG HAPPY. 520 00:25:29,662 --> 00:25:30,797 I AM PROUD TO REPORT 521 00:25:30,830 --> 00:25:33,199 THAT MY DAUGHTER HAS JUST PENNED 522 00:25:33,232 --> 00:25:34,967 ONE OF THE MOST IMPRESSIVE SHORT STORIES 523 00:25:35,001 --> 00:25:36,703 I HAVE EVER HAD THE PLEASURE OF READING. 524 00:25:36,736 --> 00:25:39,972 NOW, THE PROSE WAS A BIT ON THE PURPLE SIDE, 525 00:25:40,006 --> 00:25:43,175 BUT STILL, I HAD NO IDEA SHE HAD IT IN HER. 526 00:25:43,209 --> 00:25:44,977 I'M SURE THE PROSE WASN'T THAT PURPLE. 527 00:25:45,011 --> 00:25:48,781 NO, IT WAS, BUT STILL, IT WAS GOOD STUFF. 528 00:25:48,815 --> 00:25:51,083 THAT IS SOMETHING. 529 00:25:51,117 --> 00:25:53,052 WELL, IT'S WHAT I DO. 530 00:25:53,085 --> 00:25:57,824 SPEAKING OF WHICH, DARE I ASK ABOUT THE BLOG? 531 00:25:57,857 --> 00:25:59,959 HONEY, TO QUOTE THE CLASH, 532 00:25:59,992 --> 00:26:03,262 SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I ROCK THE CASBAH? 533 00:26:03,295 --> 00:26:06,599 DO WHAT YOU WANT, DAD. I LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT. 534 00:26:06,633 --> 00:26:07,700 [ GIGGLES ] 535 00:26:10,837 --> 00:26:12,238 Hank: GOOD MORNING, HELL-A. 536 00:26:12,271 --> 00:26:16,709 IN THE LAND OF THE LOTUS-EATERS, TIME PLAYS TRICKS ON YOU. 537 00:26:16,743 --> 00:26:18,711 ONE DAY YOU'RE DREAMING. 538 00:26:18,745 --> 00:26:22,348 THE NEXT, YOUR DREAM HAS BECOME YOUR REALITY. 539 00:26:22,381 --> 00:26:24,851 IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES. 540 00:26:24,884 --> 00:26:27,353 IF ONLY SOMEONE HAD TOLD ME. 541 00:26:27,386 --> 00:26:30,723 MISTAKES WERE MADE, HEARTS WERE BROKEN, 542 00:26:30,757 --> 00:26:32,892 HARSH LESSONS LEARNED. 543 00:26:32,925 --> 00:26:35,695 MY FAMILY GOES ON WITHOUT ME, 544 00:26:35,728 --> 00:26:40,132 WHILE I DROWN IN A SEA OF POINTLESS PUSSY. 545 00:26:42,068 --> 00:26:44,771 I DON'T KNOW HOW I GOT HERE. 546 00:26:44,804 --> 00:26:49,909 BUT HERE I AM, ROTTING AWAY IN THE WARM CALIFORNIA SUN. 547 00:26:49,942 --> 00:26:53,012 THERE ARE THINGS I NEED TO FIGURE OUT, 548 00:26:53,045 --> 00:26:55,982 FOR HER SAKE, AT LEAST. 549 00:26:56,015 --> 00:26:57,850 THE CLOCK IS TICKING. 550 00:26:57,884 --> 00:26:59,686 THE GAP IS WIDENING. 551 00:27:02,188 --> 00:27:05,291 SHE WON'T ALWAYS LOVE ME NO MATTER WHAT. 552 00:27:09,028 --> 00:27:11,998 -- Captions by VITAC -- www.vitac.com 553 00:27:12,031 --> 00:27:17,036 CLOSED CAPTIONING PROVIDED BY SHOWTIME NETWORKS AND BLIND DECKER PRODUCTIONS