Will you please turn your shirt off?
What?
I'm giving myself dramatic entrance music.
People will know I'm awesome and to be feared.
Right.
There's nothing more awesome and frightening than a man
who's got music blasting from between his nipples.
Hey, Stuart, what's going on?
Well, you might want to mark your Google calendars.
Stan Lee is coming to do a signing on Thursday.
Did he finally write a sequel to his autobiography?
I'm sure ages 79 through 87 were just action-packed.
No, just a regular comic signing.
My uncle is his dermatologist and Stan's doing him a favor.
Oh, I don't want to know that!
How can I possibly discuss with Stan Lee
the scientific foundations
for interstellar flight on a silver surfboard
when part of my brain will be scanning his face
for signs of contagious skin disease?
Stan Lee does not have a contagious skin disease.
Well, look who thinks he's Stuart's uncle now.
Can't believe it.
We're going to meet Stan Lee!
I'm sad to say I taught him those moves.
♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪
♪ We built the Wall ♪ ♪ We built the pyramids ♪
♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪
♪ That all started with a big bang ♪
♪ Bang! ♪
The Big Bang Theory 4x16 The Excelsior Acquisition Original Air Date on March 1, 2010
-- Sync, corrected by elderman -- -- for www.addic7ed.com --
I can't decide
whether I want Stan Lee to autograph
my Journey into Mystery 83, first appearance of Thor
or my Fantastic Four number five,
first appearance of Dr. Doom.
Alex, I'm going to go with what is...
you're a dumbass?
I've decided I'm going to have Mr. Lee sign my copy
of this month's Batman.
That's crazy.
Stan Lee had nothing to do with Batman.
Yes, which is why no one else will ask him to sign one,
and I will be the possessor of a unique, albeit confusing, artifact,
which will set me apart from hoi polloi of comic book fandom.
That's a great idea.
I'm going to get him to sign a Batman as well.
What is it about the word "unique" you don't understand?
Ow!
Damn, paper cut.
Nothing worse than a paper cut.
Well, obviously you don't remember your circumcision.
There's Neosporin and Band-Aids in my top desk drawer.
Why don't you keep that stuff in the bathroom?
He does. And in the kitchen.
And in the car. And in his pocket.
Yeah, but the ones in my pocket are mine.
Hi! Hey.
Guess who's going to be at the comic bookstore on Thursday?
Um... can you give me a hint?
Stan Lee.
Um... Stanley...
Stanley... Stanley Tucci?
No.
No, Stan... Lee.
Oh, oh, Stan Lee!
Cool!
You have no idea who he is, do you?
Of course I do.
You're an important part of my life
and I pay attention to the things you are interested in.
Oh, good.
Good.
So, who's Stan Lee?
Um... he was on Star Trek.
Nope.
Star Wars? No.
Um... uh, Stan Lee.
Ooh, he was in those goofy kung fu movies you love so much?
That's Bruce Lee.
Oh.
So, is this Bruce Lee's nerdy brother, Stan?
Sheldon, why do you have all these unopened
paychecks in your desk?
Because most of the things I'm planning to buy
haven't been invented yet.
There-there must be thousands of dollars here.
Why don't you put it in the bank?
I don't trust banks.
I believe that when the robots rise up,
ATMs will lead the charge.
You've also got something
from the Pasadena Municipal Court.
Undoubtedly another snide response
to my repeated letters complaining
that the flags in front of the courthouse
are flying in the wrong order.
From left to right, it's supposed to be
federal, state, and then city of Pasadena.
I'm sorry. You sent more than one letter about that?
It bothers me.
Sheldon, this is a summons.
A summons for what?
Looks like you ran a red light on Marengo Avenue
at 9:30 p.m. on November 16.
They got you on a traffic camera.
Nice picture.
November 16?
Penny, that's the evening you fell in your bathtub
and I had to drive you to the emergency room.
No, it isn't.
Yes, it is.
No, it isn't.
Penny, I have an eidetic memory.
Also, that's a picture of you in the passenger seat
holding your dislocated shoulder.
Mmm, no, it isn't.
Okay, then why is a summons for a traffic violation
committed in your car, bearing your license plates,
coming to me?
Okay, look, they sent me the ticket.
I told them I wasn't driving
and they were all, "If it wasn't you, who was it?"
So you betrayed me?
No!
It wasn't a betrayal.
It was more of a "I can't afford any more points on my license."
I already have to buy my insurance
from this place in the Cayman Islands.
But the only reason I was driving your car
was because you were in distress and I was rescuing you.
Yes, yes, look, and now
you have a photo to remember that heroic day.
It's not that big a deal.
You just go down to the court on Thursday
and you pay the fine.
I'm not going to pay a fine.
That would imply I'm guilty.
You are guilty.
That one I liked.
I am not guilty.
I only have a learner's permit.
Penny was the teacher.
When the light turned yellow she said "Go, go, go."
So I went, went, went.
Sheldon, I'm sorry.
I'll be happy to reimburse you for the fine.
You know, as soon as I get a part in a movie
or my own TV series.
You don't need to reimburse me because I'm not paying.
On Thursday, I will have my day in court
and justice will be done.
In fact, I'm going to begin preparing my defense right now.
Okay, he's going to jail.
Oh, that's right.
Thursday is Stan Lee Day.
Now you see what you've done?
Because of you, we're all going to miss Stan Lee.
Whoa!
What do you mean "all?"
Well, you're my friends.
You'll be standing by my side, supporting me,
feeding me legal precedents,
and if you had the upper body strength,
carrying me out on your shoulders when I'm victorious.
Yeah, okay. No.
Are you saying that you will not stand beside me
as I plead my case?
That's what I'm saying.
Howard?
Wow.
Uh, Stan Lee, or you in court.
Uh, if this was Sophie's Choice
it would've been a much shorter movie. No.
Raj?
You'll be there, won't you?
All right, then.
My so-called friends have forsaken me.
So, I guess it'll just be me and my eyewitness.
Oh, balls.
Please try to wear something appropriate.
It won't help my case
if the judge is busy trying to read the word "Juicy"
scrawled across your buttocks.
Penny.
That's just wrong.
All right, let's go.
Wait, hold on.
Before we get to the courthouse,
I'd like to call on your skills as an actress.
What is this?
I've taken the liberty
of scripting your appearance on the witness stand
because, let's face it, you're somewhat of a loose cannon.
Now, don't worry; it's written in your vernacular.
So shall we rehearse?
Do I have a choice?
Well, of course you have a choice.
Although we live in a deterministic universe,
each individual has free will.
Now, sit down.
I call your attention
to the events of November 16.
Do you remember that date?
"Darn tootin', I do.
"If the court will excuse my homespun,
corn-fed Nebraskan turn of phrase."
That's excellent. Go on.
"The reason that date is, like,
"so totally fixed in my memory
"is that I had the privilege to be witness
to one of the most heroic acts I've ever seen in, like, ever."
"And who performed that heroic act?"
"Why, you did, sir.
"You. Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
And may I add, it is a privilege to know you."
"There's no need for compliments.
This court is only interested in the facts."
"But it is a fact that it's a privilege to know you.
Totally."
A teardrop rolls down my cheek?!
Only a suggestion.
A catch in your throat would work just as well.
"But it is a fact
"that it's a privilege to know you.
Totally."
Maybe you should put on your "Juicy" pants again.
Pay the cashier.
Sheldon Cooper.
Good morning, Your Honor.
Dr. Sheldon Cooper
appearing in pro se.
That is to say, representing himself.
I know what it means.
I went to law school.
And yet you wound up in traffic court.
Anyway,
if it would please the court,
I'd like to begin with an opening statement.
The court would
advise you to make it quick,
as the court had a dicey-looking breakfast burrito this morning
and just took an Imodium.
Very well.
A quick opening statement.
Like a milking stool,
my case rests on
three legs.
I will demonstrate
that I was improperly instructed in driving
by a woman whose lack of respect for society
borders on the sociopathic.
I will argue
that the emergency met the legal doctrine
of quod est necessarium est licitum--
that which is necessary is legal.
But first,
I will raise a Sixth Amendment issue.
I'm unable to confront my accuser,
a non-human entity, to wit,
a camera.
So, to sum up:
improper instruction;
quod est necessarium est licitum;
Sixth Amendment.
My milk stool is complete.
Impressive.
Thank you.
Guilty.
Pay the cashier.
I object.
You're completely ignoring the law.
No, I'm following the law.
I'm ignoring you.
Really?
I would point out that I am at the top of my profession,
while you preside over the kiddy table of yours.
Dr. Cooper, before I find you in contempt
and throw you in jail, I'm going to give you a chance
to apologize for that last remark.
I am a scientist.
I never apologize for the truth.
That's my spot.
♪ I can't wait to ask Stan Lee
why he insists on giving all his characters first and last names
that start with the same letter.
Oh, come on. Why would you do that?
Bruce Banner, Reed Richards,
Sue Storm, Stephen Strange,
Otto Octavius, Silver Surfer,
Peter Parker, oh, and worst of all,
J. Jonah Jameson, Jr.
Okay, I'm cutting.
I'm not gonna talk to Stan Lee after you cheese him off.
Hey.
Sheldon's in jail.
Sheldon's in jail?!
You called it.
What do you think? For what?
For doing the same crap he always does,
except to a judge.
He has to stay in there until he apologizes.
So tell him to apologize.
Oh, gee, thanks, Leonard.
That didn't occur to me.
If he doesn't apologize by 5:00,
he is going to spend the night in jail.
Oh, no, that's terrible.
Ooh, the line's moving. Got to go. Bye.
Excuse me?
Excuse me, jailor?
What?
I need to use the restroom.
Knock yourself out.
That's the toilet?
Well, it ain't a wishing well.
Please tell the judge I'm ready to apologize.
Look at that.
"To my friend, Leonard.
From Stan Lee, Excelsior!"
Awesome.
Mine says, "To my friend, Howard.
From Stan Lee, Excelsior!"
Mine says, "To Raj, from Stan Lee."
That's 'cause you pissed him off about his character names.
Hey,
I didn't even mention Dum Dum Dugan or Green Goblin,
Matt Murdock, Pepper Potts,
Victor Von Doom,
oh, and worst of all,
Millie the Model.
We're home.
Oh, hey, buddy. How'd it go?
You know very well how it went.
Yeah, but we all want to hear it from you.
I was found guilty and fined $533.
I'm going to write you a check for that.
As long as you promise to put it in your drawer
and never cash it, like the others.
I also now have three points
on a driver's license I do not yet possess,
and I was forced to issue an undeserved apology,
simply because I refuse to urinate
in a stainless steel bowl in front of criminals.
Plus, you didn't get to meet Stan Lee.
Okay, that's enough, Howard.
The poor guy's had a tough time.
He had to spend the entire afternoon in jail
wearing that suit.
You're right,
so it would be cruel to mention
that after he finished signing autographs,
Stanley took Stuart and us out for gelato.
You had gelato with Stan Lee?
He said we could call him Stan.
Except for Raj.
Well, I hope you're satisfied, Penny.
You are responsible
for all the evil that has befallen me today.
Okay, I realize that... Not finished.
It is because of you
that I now have a criminal record,
and it is because of you that I missed out
on having gelato with Stan Lee.
Okay, maybe you'll have another chance to have... No, no.
I will never have another chance to have gelato with Stan Lee
because opportunities to have
gelato with Stan Lee come but once in a lifetime.
"The moving finger writes, and having writ, moves on!"
Did he just somehow give me the finger?
Not just the finger.
The moving finger.
Hey, Stuart.
Oh, hey, Penny.
Wow. Hi.
What's going on? Nothing.
I'm just getting ready to close up and... head out.
Ah.
Cool. Got any fun plans?
Oh, yeah. Big night tonight.
Gonna share a can of tuna
with the cat.
Oh, nice.
Not even my cat.
I just feed it.
Some nights it doesn't even show up.
Oh, okay.
Well, I was hoping, um,
you could do me a favor.
Sure, yeah, name it.
Well, I'm kind of responsible for Sheldon missing Stan Lee,
and I really want to make it up to him.
So I was hoping you could give me his phone number
so maybe I can arrange for them to meet.
Oh, I'm sorry, I don't have his phone number.
Hmm. Damn.
Mm. All right. Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
Wait.
I have his address.
Really?
Great!
But I can't give it to you.
Then why did you tell me you had it?
I don't know. Just chatting.
You're looking at a guy
who could very well get stood up
by a stray cat tonight.
I'm sorry, Stuart.
Thanks anyway.
Mm-hmm.
Wait.
Yeah?
Maybe we can make a deal.
What kind of deal?
I will give you the address
if you go to my cousin's wedding with me.
You're extorting a date out of me?
I kind of have to.
The cousin who's getting married
is the cousin I usually go to weddings with.
Can I bring Leonard?
Sure. What the hell.
Deal.
We'll tell people he's your cousin.
This is Stan Lee's front door.
We were on Stan Lee's curb,
then we were on Stan Lee's walk,
and now we're at Stan Lee's
front door.
Yup.
Oh, Lord, you just rang Stan Lee's doorbell.
At Stan Lee's house.
We're about to go in and have milk and cookies with Stan Lee.
Okay, sweetie, I don't know if we're gonna have cookies,
or he's just gonna say hi,
or really what's gonna happen, so just let me
talk, and we'll... ?
Yeah?
Are you Stan Lee?
Oh, damn.
Hi. I'm Penny. This is my friend, Sheldon.
We're not friends at the moment.
Depends on how this goes.
Right, right. Anyway,
Sheldon here is a huge fan of yours, and he was supposed
to meet you the other day at the comic book store,
but he kind of ended up in jail.
I see. And you thought
you'd just come over to my house uninvited?
You said we were invited.
Oh, no, no, I said I'm inviting you
to come with me to Stan Lee's house.
You know, you fan boys are unbelievable.
Do you think you can just
ring my doorbell any time you want?
I mean, why don't you just come on in
and watch the Lakers game with me?
Well, I'm not much of a sports fan,
but thank you.
I'm sorry.
He doesn't really understand sarcasm.
Well, I'll give him something he'll understand.
Joanie, call the police!
Nice to meet you.
Fantastic Four, Daredevil,
Invincible Iron Man,
Happy Hogan, Curt Connors...
Would you just let it go?
And worst of all, Fin Fang Foom.
Hey, where've you been?
I'll tell you where I've been.
You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee
and gotten autographed comics,
but I saw the inside of his house
and got an autographed application
for a restraining order.
Sweet.
Plus, I get to hang out with him again at the hearing.
This is going to look great hanging next
to my restraining order from Leonard Nimoy.
-- Sync, corrected by elderman -- -- for www.addic7ed.com --