1
00:00:00,006 --> 00:00:02,020
Previously on The Big Bang Theory

2
00:00:02,020 --> 00:00:03,531
I am going to the arctic Circle

3
00:00:03,531 --> 00:00:04,538
with Lonard, Holowitz and Koothrapali

4
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- For three months?
- Yes.

5
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What did you mean when you said
you were going to miss me?

6
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(sighs)

7
00:00:12,593 --> 00:00:15,703
It means I wish you weren't going

8
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Oh, thank God we're home.

9
00:00:30,718 --> 00:00:34,746
I can't believe we spent three
months in that frozen hell

10
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It was like a snowy nightmare

11
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from which there was no awakening.

12
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I don't know what Arctic
expedition you guys were on,

13
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but I thought it was a hoot and a half

14
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(cell phone rings)

15
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Oh, hi, Mom.

16
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No, I told you I'd call you when
I got home.

17
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I'm not home yet.

18
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All right, I'm home.

19
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The Arctic expedition was a
remarkable success

20
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I'm all but certain there's
a Nobel Prize in my future.

21
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Actually, I shouldn't say that.

22
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I'm entirely certain.

23
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No, Mother, I could
not feel your church group

24
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praying for my safety.

25
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The fact that I'm home safe
does not prove that it worked.

26
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That logic is post hoc
ergo propter hoc.

27
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No, I'm not sassing you
in Eskimo talk

28
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I'm gonna go let Penny know
we're back.

29
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Mother, I have to go.
Love you. Bye

30
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Hello, old friend.

31
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(sighs)

32
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Daddy's home

33
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Leonard, you're back.

34
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Yeah. I just stopped by
to say-- hmph!

35
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(sighs)

36
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Yeah. So, hi.
Hi

37
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Damn it. I should have gone over
and told her we were back

38
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Yeah, it was
first-come, first-serve.

39
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##Our whole univ
erwas in a hot, dense state##

40
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##Then nearly 14 billion years ago
expansion started. .. Wait!##

41
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##The Earth began to cool##

42
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##The autotrophs began to drool
Neanderthals developed tools##

43
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##We built the Wall##
##We built the pyramids##

44
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##Math, Science, History
unraveling the mystery##

45
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##That all started with a big bang##

46
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##Bang!##

47
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Big Bang Theory, S03E01
"The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation"

47
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I just want you both to know,

48
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when I publish my findings, I
won't forget your contributions.

49
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Great.
Thanks .

50
00:02:47,217 --> 00:02:49,221
Of course, I can't mention you
in my Nobel acceptance speech,

51
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but when I get around to writing
my memoirs,

52
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you can expect a very effusive
footnote

53
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and perhaps a signed copy.

54
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(whispering): We have to tell him.

55
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Tell me what?

56
00:02:59,243 --> 00:03:01,453
Damn his Vulcan hearing.

57
00:03:03,252 --> 00:03:05,758
You fellows are planning a party
for me, aren't you?

58
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Okay, Sheldon, sit down.

59
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If there's going to be a theme,
I should let you know

60
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that I don't care for luau, toga
or "under the sea."

61
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Look... Yeah, we'll keep that in mind.

62
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we need to talk to you about  something
that happened

63
00:03:22,293 --> 00:03:23,295
at the North Pole.

64
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If this is about the night the heat
went out,

65
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there's nothing to be embarrassed about.

66
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It's not about that.

67
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And we agreed to never speak of it again.

68
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So we slept together naked.

69
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It was only to keep

70
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our core body temperature from plummeting.

71
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He's speaking about it.

72
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For me, it was a bonding moment.

73
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Sheldon, you remember
the first few weeks

74
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we were looking for magnetic monopoles

75
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and not finding anything
and you were acting

76
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like an obnoxious, giant dictator?

77
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I thought we were going
to be gentle with him.

78
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That's why I added the "tator."

79
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And then when we got our
first positive data,

80
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you were so happy.

81
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Oh, yes.

82
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In the world of emoticons,
I was colon, capital "D."

83
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Well, in actuality, what
your equipment detected

84
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wasn't so much evidence of
paradigm-shifting monopoles

85
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as it was...

86
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static from the electric can opener

87
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we were turning on and off.

88
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He just went colon, capital ''O''.

89
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You tampered with my experiment?

90
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We had to.

91
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It was the only way
to keep you

92
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from being such
a huge Dickensian.

93
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You see that?
I added the "ensian."

94
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Did Leonard know about this?

95
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Leonard's my best friend in the world.

96
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Surely Leonard didn'’t know.

97
00:05:01,506 --> 00:05:02,509
Actually, it was his idea.

98
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Of course it was.
The whole plan reeks of Leonard.

99
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I missed you so much.
I missed you, too.

100
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I couldn't even think of anyone
else while you were gone.

101
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Me, neither.

102
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Except for one night
when the heat went out.

103
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Long story.
It's... Don't ask.

104
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(chuckles)

105
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(knocking)

106
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Leonard.

107
00:05:23,053 --> 00:05:24,473
Leonard.
Leonar

108
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(whispering): Do not make a sound.

109
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SHELDON: Whisperin "Do not make a sound..."

110
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...is a sound.

111
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Damn his Vulcan hearing.

112
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Not a good time, Sheldon.

113
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Penny.
(knocking at door)

114
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Penny. Penny.

115
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Oh, this is ridiculous.

116
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What?

117
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Hello, Penny

118
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I realize you're currently at the mercy

119
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of your primitive biological urges,

120
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but as you have an entire lifetime

121
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of poor decisions ahead of you,
may I interrupt this one?

122
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It's great to see you too.
Come on in.

123
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Wolowitz has informed me
of your grand deception.

124
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Do you have anything to say for yourself?

125
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Yes, I feel terrible about it.

126
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I will never forgive myself,
I don't expect you to either,

127
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and I would really appreciate it
if you would leave me with Penny

128
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for a session of self-criticism and repentance.

129
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Okay, can someone please tell
me what's going on here?

130
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What's going on is I was led to believe

131
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I was making groundbreaking strides
in science,

132
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when in fact, I was being fed

133
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false data at the hands
of Wolowitz, Koothrappali

134
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and your furry little boy toy.

135
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Is that true?

136
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It was the only way to make him happy.

137
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Well, why'd you have to make him happy?

138
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Because when he wasn't
we wanted to kill him.

139
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There was even a plan

140
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We were going to throw his Kindle outside,

141
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and when he went
to get it, lock the door

142
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and let him freeze to death.

143
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That seems like a bit of an overreaction.

144
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No, the overreaction
was the plan to tie your limbs

145
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to four different sled dog teams
and yell, "Mush".

146
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Look, we kept
the original data.

147
00:07:09,282 --> 00:07:11,787
You can still publish
the actual results.

148
00:07:11,787 --> 00:07:14,293
Yes, but the actual
results are unsuccessful

149
00:07:14,293 --> 00:07:17,800
and I've already sent an e-mail
to everyone at the university

150
00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:19,304
explaining that I have
confirmed string theory

151
00:07:19,304 --> 00:07:21,809
and forever changed
understanding of the universe.

152
00:07:21,809 --> 00:07:25,817
Aw, see, yeah, you probably
shouldn't have done that.

153
00:07:25,817 --> 00:07:27,821
So write another e-mail.
Set the record straight.

154
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It's no big deal.

155
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You're right, Leonard.

156
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It's not a big deal.

157
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All you did wa lie to me
destroy my dream

158
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and humiliate me in front
of the whole university.

159
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That, FYI, was sarcasm.

160
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I, in fact, believe
it is a big deal

161
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Oh, the poor thing.

162
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Yeah, I feel terrible.
Wait. Wait.

163
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Aren't you going to go talk to him?

164
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What? Uh, he'll be fine.

165
00:07:58,388 --> 00:08:00,392
The guy's a trouper.
Come here.

166
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No, you're right-- you
shouldn't talk to him.

167
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I will.

168
00:08:06,405 --> 00:08:09,055
Man, I cannot catch a break.

169
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(knocking at door)

170
00:08:14,923 --> 00:08:16,353
Hey.

171
00:08:16,927 --> 00:08:18,431
Do you want to talk?

172
00:08:18,431 --> 00:08:19,481
About what?

173
00:08:19,934 --> 00:08:22,440
Being betrayed by my friends?

174
00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:25,947
Spending three months
at the North Pole for nothing?

175
00:08:25,947 --> 00:08:28,953
And I didn't even get
to go to Comic-Con!

176
00:08:28,953 --> 00:08:29,783
(sobbing)

177
00:08:32,461 --> 00:08:33,431
Oh, hon...

178
00:08:33,964 --> 00:08:34,474
Uh...

179
00:08:40,979 --> 00:08:43,485
## Soft kitty, warm kitty... ##

180
00:08:43,485 --> 00:08:46,491
That's for when I'm sick.
Sad is not sick.

181
00:08:46,491 --> 00:08:47,461
Oh. Sorry.

182
00:08:47,494 --> 00:08:48,996
I don't know your sad song.

183
00:08:48,996 --> 00:08:52,504
I don't have a sad song.
I'm not a child.

184
00:08:52,504 --> 00:08:56,513
Well, you know, I do understand
what you're going through.

185
00:08:56,513 --> 00:08:57,183
Really?

186
00:08:58,016 --> 00:09:00,020
Did you just have the
Nobel Prize in Waitressing

187
00:09:00,020 --> 00:09:01,524
stolen from you?

188
00:09:01,524 --> 00:09:05,532
Well, no, but when I
was a senior in high school,

189
00:09:05,532 --> 00:09:07,035
one of my friends heard

190
00:09:07,035 --> 00:09:09,039
I was going to be
named head cheerleader.

191
00:09:09,039 --> 00:09:10,543
Oh, I was so excited.

192
00:09:10,543 --> 00:09:13,550
My mom even made me
a celebration pie.

193
00:09:13,550 --> 00:09:16,556
Then they named stupid
Mossbacher head cheerleader.

194
00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:18,066
Big ol' slutbag.

195
00:09:19,061 --> 00:09:20,411
Are you saying

196
00:09:21,065 --> 00:09:23,571
that you think a "celebration pie"

197
00:09:23,571 --> 00:09:26,578
is even remotely
comparable to a Nobel Prize?

198
00:09:26,578 --> 00:09:29,028
Well, they're pretty tasty.

199
00:09:30,586 --> 00:09:34,093
And on a different, but not unrelated topic,

200
00:09:34,093 --> 00:09:37,100
based on your current
efforts to buoy my spirits,

201
00:09:37,100 --> 00:09:39,606
do you truly believe
that you were ever fit

202
00:09:39,606 --> 00:09:41,496
to be a cheerleader?

203
00:09:47,122 --> 00:09:48,625
Look, Sheldon,
I just don't think

204
00:09:48,625 --> 00:09:51,130
that the guys and Leonard
really meant to hurt you.

205
00:09:51,130 --> 00:09:53,134
You know? They just told
an unfortunate lie

206
00:09:53,134 --> 00:09:55,640
to deal with
a difficult situation.

207
00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:57,143
Okay, you know
what it's like?

208
00:09:57,143 --> 00:09:58,647
Remember that scene
in the new Star Trek movie

209
00:09:58,647 --> 00:10:00,651
when Kirk has
to take over the ship,

210
00:10:00,651 --> 00:10:02,655
so he Stells Spock all that stuff
he knew wasn't true,

211
00:10:02,655 --> 00:10:06,163
like saying Spock
didn't care his mom died?

212
00:10:06,163 --> 00:10:08,668
I missed Comic-Con
and the newStar Trek movie!

213
00:10:08,668 --> 00:10:09,498
(sobbing)

214
00:10:12,677 --> 00:10:14,627
I like the new look.

215
00:10:14,681 --> 00:10:15,351
Thanks.

216
00:10:18,690 --> 00:10:21,020
I call it "the Clooney."

217
00:10:21,195 --> 00:10:24,201
I call it "the Mario and Luigi",
but whatever.

218
00:10:24,201 --> 00:10:25,111
(chuckles)

219
00:10:27,208 --> 00:10:29,212
Hey, how's Sheldon doing?

220
00:10:29,212 --> 00:10:31,216
Well, he came out of his room this morning

221
00:10:31,216 --> 00:10:33,221
wearing his Darth Vader helmet
and tried to choke me to death

222
00:10:33,221 --> 00:10:37,229
with the Force, so I say, "a little better."

223
00:10:37,229 --> 00:10:39,234
If I may abruptly
change the subject,

224
00:10:39,234 --> 00:10:41,238
did you and Penny
finally... you know.

225
00:10:41,238 --> 00:10:43,242
Howard...
Personally, I don't care,

226
00:10:43,242 --> 00:10:45,247
but my genitals
wanted me to ask.

227
00:10:45,247 --> 00:10:46,750
Well, tell your genitals

228
00:10:46,750 --> 00:10:50,258
what I do with Penny is
none of their business.

229
00:10:50,258 --> 00:10:52,748
He says they didn't do it.

230
00:10:54,266 --> 00:10:56,016
Sheldon, over here.

231
00:11:05,290 --> 00:11:06,120
(gagging)

232
00:11:10,301 --> 00:11:11,804
What are you doing?

233
00:11:11,804 --> 00:11:14,054
I feel bad for the guy.

234
00:11:17,817 --> 00:11:19,822
Sheldon, why are yousitting
by yourself?

235
00:11:19,822 --> 00:11:21,826
Because I am without friends.

236
00:11:21,826 --> 00:11:25,333
Like the proverbial cheese, I stand alone

237
00:11:25,333 --> 00:11:27,003
Even while seated.

238
00:11:27,337 --> 00:11:30,287
Come on. We said we were sorry.

239
00:11:30,344 --> 00:11:31,848
It's going to take more
than an "I'm sorry"

240
00:11:31,848 --> 00:11:33,350
and a store-bought apology pie from Penny

241
00:11:33,350 --> 00:11:35,856
to make up for what you've done to me.

242
00:11:35,856 --> 00:11:36,858
Hey, Cooper.

243
00:11:36,858 --> 00:11:38,361
Read your retraction e-mail.

244
00:11:38,361 --> 00:11:40,867
Way to destroy your reputation.

245
00:11:40,867 --> 00:11:41,677
You see?

246
00:11:42,871 --> 00:11:45,376
People have been pointing
and laughing at me all morning.

247
00:11:45,376 --> 00:11:46,880
That's not true.

248
00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:49,886
People have been pointing and
laughing at you your whole life.

249
00:11:49,886 --> 00:11:51,891
All right, I've had enough.

250
00:11:51,891 --> 00:11:52,893
Attention, everyone.

251
00:11:52,893 --> 00:11:54,897
I' m Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

252
00:11:54,897 --> 00:11:57,402
As many of you in the
physics department might know,

253
00:11:57,402 --> 00:12:00,409
my career trajectory has taken a minor detour.

254
00:12:00,409 --> 00:12:01,599
Off a cliff.

255
00:12:03,415 --> 00:12:05,921
My credibility may
have been damaged...

256
00:12:05,921 --> 00:12:06,923
Completely wrecked.

257
00:12:06,923 --> 00:12:09,930
But I would like to remind you that in science,

258
00:12:09,930 --> 00:12:11,432
there's no such thing as failure.

259
00:12:11,432 --> 00:12:14,940
There once was a man who
referred to his prediction

260
00:12:14,940 --> 00:12:17,947
of a cosmological constant
as the single "biggest blunder"

261
00:12:17,947 --> 00:12:20,452
of his career. That man's name was--

262
00:12:20,452 --> 00:12:23,702
surprise, surprise-- Albert Einstein.

263
00:12:24,460 --> 00:12:27,467
Yeah, but reserch
into Dark Energy

264
00:12:27,467 --> 00:12:29,471
proved that Einstein's cosmological constant

265
00:12:29,471 --> 00:12:31,476
was actually right all along,
so you're still--

266
00:12:31,476 --> 00:12:34,136
surprise, surprise--
a loser.

267
00:12:37,488 --> 00:12:39,493
Oh, you think you're so clever.

268
00:12:39,493 --> 00:12:40,997
Well, let me just tell you,

269
00:12:40,997 --> 00:12:43,001
while I do not currently
have a scathing retort,

270
00:12:43,001 --> 00:12:47,341
you check your e-mail
periodically for a doozy.

271
00:12:50,517 --> 00:12:53,523
So much for our friendsh with Sheldon.

272
00:12:53,523 --> 00:12:58,383
Well, we'll always have
the night the heat went out.

273
00:13:04,725 --> 00:13:05,585
Hi.
Hey.

274
00:13:06,225 --> 00:13:07,725
Listen, since we got you
know, interrupted last night,

275
00:13:07,725 --> 00:13:09,725
I didn't have a chance to give you this.

276
00:13:09,725 --> 00:13:12,685
Oh, Leonard,
you shouldn't have.

277
00:13:14,225 --> 00:13:15,035
Oh, boy!

278
00:13:17,225 --> 00:13:18,335
What is it?

279
00:13:19,225 --> 00:13:20,815
It's a snowflake.

280
00:13:21,225 --> 00:13:22,725
From the North Pole.

281
00:13:22,725 --> 00:13:24,235
Are you serious?

282
00:13:24,725 --> 00:13:25,395
Uh-huh.

283
00:13:25,725 --> 00:13:27,225
It'll last forever.

284
00:13:27,225 --> 00:13:28,225
I preserved it in a one percent solution

285
00:13:28,225 --> 00:13:30,595
of polyvinyl acetal resin.

286
00:13:34,225 --> 00:13:35,225
Oh, my God.

287
00:13:35,225 --> 00:13:37,725
That's the most romantic thing
anyone's ever said to me

288
00:13:37,725 --> 00:13:40,015
that I didn't understand.

289
00:13:40,225 --> 00:13:42,725
It's actually a pretty simple process.

290
00:13:42,725 --> 00:13:47,865
You see, cyanoacrylate are
monomers which polymerize on--

291
00:13:49,725 --> 00:13:51,725
Red alert, Leonard. Sheldon ran away.

292
00:13:51,725 --> 00:13:54,515
Man, I can not catch a break.

293
00:13:54,725 --> 00:13:56,225
So, how do you know
he ran away?

294
00:13:56,225 --> 00:13:58,725
Well, he's not answering his phone,

295
00:13:58,725 --> 00:14:00,725
he handed in his resignation
at the university

296
00:14:00,725 --> 00:14:03,725
and he sent me a text that
said, "I'm running away."

297
00:14:03,725 --> 00:14:05,725
Okay, well, thanks for letting me know.

298
00:14:05,725 --> 00:14:08,225
Well, Leonard, aren't you
going to do something?

299
00:14:08,225 --> 00:14:11,225
Of course I'm going to do something.

300
00:14:11,225 --> 00:14:13,225
Uh, Howard, you check the comic book store.

301
00:14:13,225 --> 00:14:14,725
Raj, go to the Thai restaurant.

302
00:14:14,725 --> 00:14:17,225
I'll stay here with Penny in her apartment.

303
00:14:17,225 --> 00:14:18,725
(ringtone playing)

304
00:14:18,725 --> 00:14:19,915
Oh, damn it.

305
00:14:20,725 --> 00:14:22,225
It's Sheldon's mother.

306
00:14:22,225 --> 00:14:24,575
A break cannot be caught.

307
00:14:25,225 --> 00:14:26,725
Hi, Mrs. Cooper.

308
00:14:26,725 --> 00:14:27,375
He is?

309
00:14:28,725 --> 00:14:31,225
Sheldon went home to Texas.

310
00:14:31,225 --> 00:14:32,725
Yeah, no, I know he resigned.

311
00:14:32,725 --> 00:14:33,315
Yes...

312
00:14:34,725 --> 00:14:37,725
I guess it kind of is our fault.

313
00:14:37,725 --> 00:14:39,225
No, no, no.
You-you're right

314
00:14:39,225 --> 00:14:40,725
Someone needs to come talk to him.

315
00:14:40,725 --> 00:14:42,225
Don't worry, I'll take care of it.

316
00:14:42,225 --> 00:14:43,735
Yeah. All right.

317
00:14:46,225 --> 00:14:47,115
New plan.

318
00:14:47,225 --> 00:14:48,725
Howard, you and Raj go to Texas.

319
00:14:48,725 --> 00:14:50,725
I'll stay here with Penny
in her apartment.

320
00:14:50,725 --> 00:14:53,225
Well, you're not
gonna go with them?

321
00:14:53,225 --> 00:14:55,725
Well, you know, I gave you the snowflake

322
00:14:55,725 --> 00:14:57,225
and we were kissing and...

323
00:14:57,225 --> 00:15:01,155
Oh, come on, I don't want to go to Texas!

324
00:15:01,225 --> 00:15:04,225
Oh, right, and I do? My people
already crossed a desert once.

325
00:15:04,225 --> 00:15:05,275
We're done.

326
00:15:08,225 --> 00:15:09,725
Trust me, you'll be fine. See ya.

327
00:15:09,725 --> 00:15:11,725
Well, wait a second, Leonard, come on,

328
00:15:11,725 --> 00:15:13,725
how can you not go?
He's your best friend.

329
00:15:13,725 --> 00:15:15,725
Yeah, but I already
saw him naked.

330
00:15:15,725 --> 00:15:17,225
Just come here.
No.

331
00:15:17,225 --> 00:15:20,225
I promise I will be here
when you get back.

332
00:15:20,225 --> 00:15:22,195
Just go help Sheldon.

333
00:15:22,225 --> 00:15:22,895
Really?

334
00:15:23,725 --> 00:15:25,225
Yeah. We waited a few months.

335
00:15:25,225 --> 00:15:27,935
We can wait a few more days.

336
00:15:31,225 --> 00:15:32,575
Maybe you can.

337
00:15:33,225 --> 00:15:33,975
(laughs)

338
00:15:35,225 --> 00:15:36,575
Go.

339
00:15:38,725 --> 00:15:42,425
Boy, you cannot
catch a break, can you?

340
00:15:43,725 --> 00:15:45,615
Here you go, Shelly.

341
00:15:46,725 --> 00:15:47,855
Thanks, Mom.

342
00:15:49,725 --> 00:15:51,725
Hold your horses, young man.

343
00:15:51,725 --> 00:15:53,725
Here in Texas,
we pray before we eat.

344
00:15:53,725 --> 00:15:54,535
Aw, Mom.

345
00:15:55,725 --> 00:15:58,725
This is not California,
land of the heathen.

346
00:15:58,725 --> 00:15:59,315
Gimme.

347
00:16:05,225 --> 00:16:07,635
By His hand we are all...

348
00:16:07,725 --> 00:16:08,395
...fed.

349
00:16:09,725 --> 00:16:12,225
Give us, Lord, our daily...

350
00:16:12,225 --> 00:16:13,055
...bread.

351
00:16:13,225 --> 00:16:14,725
Please know
that we are truly...

352
00:16:14,725 --> 00:16:15,795
...grateful.

353
00:16:16,225 --> 00:16:18,225
For every cup and every...

354
00:16:18,225 --> 00:16:19,885
...plateful.
Amen.

355
00:16:22,225 --> 00:16:24,725
Now, that wasn't so hard,
was it?

356
00:16:24,725 --> 00:16:27,225
My objection was based
on considerations

357
00:16:27,225 --> 00:16:29,215
other than difficulty.

358
00:16:29,725 --> 00:16:32,685
Whatever.
Jesus still loves you.

359
00:16:34,225 --> 00:16:36,225
Thank you for carving
a smiley face

360
00:16:36,225 --> 00:16:38,225
in my grilled cheese sandwich.

361
00:16:38,225 --> 00:16:40,725
Oh, I know how
to take care of my baby.

362
00:16:40,725 --> 00:16:42,225
His eyes came out a little thin,

363
00:16:42,225 --> 00:16:45,735
but you can just pretend he's Chinese.

364
00:16:49,225 --> 00:16:50,725
So, do you want to talk

365
00:16:50,725 --> 00:16:53,725
about what happened with you
and your little friends?

366
00:16:53,725 --> 00:16:55,225
They're not my friends.

367
00:16:55,225 --> 00:16:56,195
All right.

368
00:16:59,225 --> 00:17:01,225
If you recall,
when you were little,

369
00:17:01,225 --> 00:17:03,225
we sat right here
at this very spot

370
00:17:03,225 --> 00:17:05,225
and we talked about
some of the problems

371
00:17:05,225 --> 00:17:07,225
you had getting along
with the neighbor kids.

372
00:17:07,225 --> 00:17:08,725
That was different.

373
00:17:08,725 --> 00:17:10,225
They were threatened by my intelligence

374
00:17:10,225 --> 00:17:14,725
and too stupid to know
that's why they hated me.

375
00:17:14,725 --> 00:17:19,265
Oh baby, they knew very well
why they hated you.

376
00:17:30,225 --> 00:17:32,725
I can't believe you
bought a red cowboy hat.

377
00:17:32,725 --> 00:17:36,065
Hello?
I'm wearing a red turtleneck.

378
00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:42,805
Plus, it was the
only boys' large they had.

379
00:17:44,225 --> 00:17:46,725
I'm sorry,
this does not look like Texas.

380
00:17:46,725 --> 00:17:48,725
Where's the tumbleweed
Where's the saloons?

381
00:17:48,725 --> 00:17:49,475
Saloons?

382
00:17:50,225 --> 00:17:52,725
Yeah, like in the movies
I saw growing up in India.

383
00:17:52,725 --> 00:17:55,225
You know, uh, Four for Texas,
Yellow Rose of Texas.

384
00:17:55,225 --> 00:17:59,745
This neighborhood is more
Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

385
00:18:00,225 --> 00:18:02,225
I was really hoping
to see a cattle drive.

386
00:18:02,225 --> 00:18:03,725
What can I tell you?

387
00:18:03,725 --> 00:18:05,225
They probably
have steaks on sale

388
00:18:05,225 --> 00:18:08,405
at that big-ass
Costco over there.

389
00:18:16,725 --> 00:18:19,225
Will you please take
that stupid hat off?

390
00:18:19,225 --> 00:18:21,475
No, I want to blend in.

391
00:18:22,225 --> 00:18:24,085
To what?
Toy Story?

392
00:18:26,725 --> 00:18:27,615
Hi, boys.

393
00:18:28,725 --> 00:18:30,725
Howdy, ma'am.
Howdy to you, too.

394
00:18:30,725 --> 00:18:31,725
You got here quick.

395
00:18:31,725 --> 00:18:33,725
- We took the red-eye.
- Well, come on in.

396
00:18:33,725 --> 00:18:35,225
Thank you kindly.

397
00:18:35,225 --> 00:18:37,225
Can I... Can I get you
something to drink?

398
00:18:37,225 --> 00:18:38,225
Uh, no, thank you.

399
00:18:38,225 --> 00:18:39,725
(with Texas accent): If y'all don't mind,

400
00:18:39,725 --> 00:18:42,725
I got a hankerin'
for a Lone Star beer.

401
00:18:42,725 --> 00:18:46,145
There's no alcohol in this
household.

402
00:18:46,225 --> 00:18:48,725
Stop talking like
that and lose the hat.

403
00:18:48,725 --> 00:18:49,315
Sorry.

404
00:18:51,225 --> 00:18:53,725
I'll take a diet Yoo-Hoo
if you have it.

405
00:18:53,725 --> 00:18:55,535
You'll take a Coke.

406
00:18:55,725 --> 00:18:58,695
What about you? Radge, isn't it?

407
00:18:59,225 --> 00:19:01,725
Oh, you still having trouble
talking to the ladies?

408
00:19:01,725 --> 00:19:02,475
(laughs)

409
00:19:02,725 --> 00:19:04,225
Because, you know,
at our church,

410
00:19:04,225 --> 00:19:06,725
we have a woman who's
an amazing healer.

411
00:19:06,725 --> 00:19:08,725
Mostly she does, uh, crutch
and wheelchair people,

412
00:19:08,725 --> 00:19:12,725
but I bet she'd be willing
to take a shot at whatever

413
00:19:12,725 --> 00:19:17,365
Third World demon is running
around inside of you.

414
00:19:17,725 --> 00:19:19,225
Uh, if you don't mind,
Mrs. Cooper,

415
00:19:19,225 --> 00:19:21,225
there's a 3:05 nonstop
back to Los Angeles,

416
00:19:21,225 --> 00:19:23,725
and you have no idea
how much I want to be on it.

417
00:19:23,725 --> 00:19:24,455
A girl?

418
00:19:25,225 --> 00:19:26,655
Uh, yes, ma'am.

419
00:19:26,725 --> 00:19:29,885
Oh, good.
I been praying for you.

420
00:19:32,225 --> 00:19:33,355
Oh, Sheldon.

421
00:19:34,225 --> 00:19:35,725
What are they
doing here?

422
00:19:35,725 --> 00:19:37,225
We came to apologize.

423
00:19:37,225 --> 00:19:38,725
Again.
And bring you home.

424
00:19:38,725 --> 00:19:40,725
So, why don't you pac
stuff and we'll head back.

425
00:19:40,725 --> 00:19:43,055
No, this is my home now.

426
00:19:44,225 --> 00:19:46,225
Thanks to you, my career is over

427
00:19:46,225 --> 00:19:48,725
and I will spend the rest
of my life here in Texas

428
00:19:48,725 --> 00:19:52,495
trying to teach evolution to creationists.

429
00:19:54,225 --> 00:19:56,895
You watch your mouth, Shelly.

430
00:19:57,725 --> 00:19:59,725
Everyone's entitled to their opinion.

431
00:19:59,725 --> 00:20:02,225
Evolution isn't an
opinion, it's fact.

432
00:20:02,225 --> 00:20:04,575
And that is your opinion.

433
00:20:08,225 --> 00:20:10,955
I forgive you. Let's go home.

434
00:20:14,225 --> 00:20:15,595
(light chuckle)

435
00:20:15,725 --> 00:20:18,905
Don't tell me
prayer doesn't work.

436
00:20:24,461 --> 00:20:25,891
How about that?

437
00:20:25,942 --> 00:20:27,916
I finally caught a break.

438
00:20:27,916 --> 00:20:28,586
Uh-huh.

439
00:20:28,903 --> 00:20:30,673
(chuckles awkwardly)

440
00:20:32,851 --> 00:20:35,812
You know how they say
when friends have sex

441
00:20:35,812 --> 00:20:36,799
it can get weird?

442
00:20:36,799 --> 00:20:37,309
Sure.

443
00:20:38,773 --> 00:20:41,693
Why does it
have to get weird?

444
00:20:41,733 --> 00:20:43,707
(splutters) I don't know.

445
00:20:43,707 --> 00:20:45,977
I mean, we were friends,

446
00:20:47,161 --> 00:20:48,642
and now we're
more than friends.

447
00:20:48,642 --> 00:20:50,932
We're whatever "this" is.

448
00:20:51,109 --> 00:20:53,083
But why label it, right?

449
00:20:53,083 --> 00:20:55,551
I mean,
it is what it is and...

450
00:20:55,551 --> 00:20:56,891
Leonard?
Yeah?

451
00:20:57,031 --> 00:20:58,911
It's weird.
Totally.

451
00:20:59,00 --> 00:21:02,00
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