1 00:00:08,250 --> 00:00:10,070 (laughs) 2 00:00:11,190 --> 00:00:14,410 I wish you could all be inside my head. 3 00:00:15,260 --> 00:00:17,640 The conversation is sparkling. 4 00:00:19,330 --> 00:00:20,750 Fine, I'll tell you. 5 00:00:21,930 --> 00:00:24,350 A lichen is an organism made up of two separate species, 6 00:00:24,350 --> 00:00:25,970 fungi and algae. 7 00:00:25,970 --> 00:00:27,550 If you could merge with another species, 8 00:00:27,550 --> 00:00:30,720 what species would you pick and why? 9 00:00:30,720 --> 00:00:33,310 Hint: There is a right answer. 10 00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:36,260 None of you will get it. 11 00:00:37,700 --> 00:00:41,480 Okay, I'd pick swan because, uh, the resulting hybrid 12 00:00:41,480 --> 00:00:43,650 would have the advanced industrial civilization 13 00:00:43,650 --> 00:00:46,120 of a human and the long graceful neck 14 00:00:46,120 --> 00:00:48,270 I've always dreamed of having. 15 00:00:49,530 --> 00:00:52,210 Wrong. Leonard? 16 00:00:52,210 --> 00:00:56,080 Horse, but mostly just for the height. 17 00:00:56,080 --> 00:00:59,000 A little bit for the genital girth. 18 00:01:00,170 --> 00:01:02,290 Wrong, and let's keep it clean, shall we? 19 00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:04,920 Kangaroo, uh, 20 00:01:04,930 --> 00:01:06,930 I'd be Kanga-Jew. 21 00:01:06,930 --> 00:01:08,310 (chuckles) 22 00:01:08,310 --> 00:01:11,510 The first of my people to dunk a basketball. (chuckles) 23 00:01:11,510 --> 00:01:13,820 Also instead of just living in your mother's house, 24 00:01:13,820 --> 00:01:16,680 you could actually live inside her body. 25 00:01:16,690 --> 00:01:18,640 (mocking laugh) 26 00:01:19,970 --> 00:01:22,020 Clever, but also wrong. 27 00:01:22,030 --> 00:01:24,640 No, the best organism for human beings to merge with 28 00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:26,190 is the lichen itself. 29 00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:29,580 That way, you'd be human, fungus, and algae. 30 00:01:29,580 --> 00:01:31,150 Triple threat. 31 00:01:31,150 --> 00:01:34,150 Like three-bean salad. 32 00:01:34,150 --> 00:01:36,740 Give me one circumstance in which that would be useful. 33 00:01:36,740 --> 00:01:37,670 All right, picture this: 34 00:01:37,670 --> 00:01:40,160 a beautiful outdoor concert. 35 00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:42,660 Now, as a human, I appreciate Beethoven. 36 00:01:42,660 --> 00:01:45,380 As a fungus, I have a terrific view, 37 00:01:45,380 --> 00:01:47,330 growing out of a towering maple tree. 38 00:01:47,330 --> 00:01:49,550 And no thank you, expensive concessions. 39 00:01:49,550 --> 00:01:53,270 Because as an algae, I'll just snack on this sunlight. 40 00:01:54,120 --> 00:01:56,710 - He got us again. - No, he didn't. 41 00:01:56,710 --> 00:01:58,940 Anyway, if it's okay with you, 42 00:01:58,950 --> 00:02:01,650 we should talk about Howard's bachelor party. 43 00:02:01,650 --> 00:02:02,650 Oh, oh. 44 00:02:02,650 --> 00:02:04,520 Seems like a bit of a letdown 45 00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:06,020 after our lichen conversation, but... 46 00:02:06,020 --> 00:02:08,290 What do you know, you're half swan. 47 00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:11,210 I've been doing some research on strippers. 48 00:02:11,210 --> 00:02:13,880 One agency I spoke to, said I could get us a great price 49 00:02:13,880 --> 00:02:17,630 if we're flexible on age range and number of limbs. 50 00:02:18,660 --> 00:02:20,360 Sounds like loads of fun, 51 00:02:20,370 --> 00:02:23,420 but I promised Bernadette no strippers. 52 00:02:23,420 --> 00:02:25,550 You don't want strippers? You're the king of strippers. 53 00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:29,010 The one club in North Hollywood named a pole after you. 54 00:02:29,010 --> 00:02:32,430 What can I tell ya-- I'm not into that stuff anymore. 55 00:02:32,430 --> 00:02:34,150 Good for you, Howard. I'm proud of you. 56 00:02:34,150 --> 00:02:36,430 And still, you're the first one of use to get married. 57 00:02:36,430 --> 00:02:37,930 We have to do something special. 58 00:02:37,930 --> 00:02:40,770 You know Germans have an interesting pre-wedding custom-- 59 00:02:40,770 --> 00:02:43,860 Well, it's probably not for me. 60 00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:48,560 Maybe we can go up to Napa Valley. 61 00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:49,930 They've got that wine train. 62 00:02:49,930 --> 00:02:51,360 Boo, wine! 63 00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:53,750 But yay, trains. I'm in. 64 00:02:53,750 --> 00:02:56,700 Anyway, it's a beautiful time of year. 65 00:02:56,700 --> 00:02:58,750 Uh, you travel through the vineyards. 66 00:02:58,760 --> 00:02:59,950 There's a tasting on board. 67 00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:02,590 And all the wildflowers are in bloom. 68 00:03:02,590 --> 00:03:04,680 Magic. 69 00:03:04,680 --> 00:03:06,260 Look at that, in 30 seconds, 70 00:03:06,260 --> 00:03:09,650 we went from hiring women to being them. 71 00:03:10,750 --> 00:03:14,190 ♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪ 72 00:03:14,190 --> 00:03:17,940 ♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪ 73 00:03:17,940 --> 00:03:19,590 ♪ The Earth began to cool ♪ 74 00:03:19,590 --> 00:03:22,280 ♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪ 75 00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:24,260 ♪ We built the Wall ♪ ♪ We built the pyramids ♪ 76 00:03:24,260 --> 00:03:27,200 ♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪ 77 00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:29,120 ♪ That all started with a big bang ♪ 78 00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:30,440 ♪ Bang! ♪ 79 00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:32,940 The Big Bang Theory S5E22 The Stag Convergence Original Air Date on April 26, 2012 80 00:03:35,210 --> 00:03:37,200 So, I hear you and the lost boys are having 81 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:39,490 a bachelor party tonight. 82 00:03:39,490 --> 00:03:41,990 Yeah, just going to a restaurant, get some steaks, 83 00:03:41,990 --> 00:03:44,770 and scotch. Nothing to worry about. Why should I worry? 84 00:03:44,780 --> 00:03:46,440 Well, I don't know. It's a bachelor party. 85 00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:47,540 There could be strippers. 86 00:03:47,550 --> 00:03:48,990 Wouldn't that make you a little jealous? 87 00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:51,960 Oh, come on Leonard, it's you. What's going to happen? 88 00:03:51,970 --> 00:03:53,950 I mean, even if there was a stripper, 89 00:03:53,950 --> 00:03:55,420 all you'd do is avoid eye-contact 90 00:03:55,420 --> 00:03:59,090 and maybe offer to help her kid with his homework. 91 00:03:59,090 --> 00:04:01,760 Hey, I am a young man in his sexual prime. 92 00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:04,760 Under the right conditions, I-I-I am capable of just, 93 00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:07,800 really crazy stuff. 94 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:09,520 Really? What is the craziest thing 95 00:04:09,520 --> 00:04:10,900 you've ever done with a woman? 96 00:04:10,900 --> 00:04:13,770 And the time you and I had sex in the ocean does not count. 97 00:04:13,770 --> 00:04:16,240 Oh, come on. That's got to count. 98 00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:20,090 There was a really strong undertow, we could have died. 99 00:04:20,090 --> 00:04:21,860 Well, have fun tonight. 100 00:04:21,860 --> 00:04:23,250 Oh, I will. 101 00:04:23,250 --> 00:04:26,170 There is no telling what might happen. 102 00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:28,920 (chuckling): Yeah, there is. 103 00:04:30,170 --> 00:04:32,120 You know, there's nothing wrong helping 104 00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:34,620 some woman's kid get through their S.A.T.'s. 105 00:04:38,510 --> 00:04:40,260 Hey, I got to hand it to Raj, 106 00:04:40,260 --> 00:04:42,510 He found a really nice spot to have a bachelor party. 107 00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:44,100 It's not bad. 108 00:04:44,100 --> 00:04:47,440 Unless you compare it to a train; then it stinks. 109 00:04:49,070 --> 00:04:50,270 Are you drinking whiskey? 110 00:04:50,270 --> 00:04:51,670 Indeed. 111 00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:54,680 If I'm to participate in the social convention 112 00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:58,560 that is the stag night, then I must embrace all its components: 113 00:04:58,570 --> 00:05:03,650 including tobacco, swear words, and yes, alcohol. 114 00:05:04,770 --> 00:05:08,660 Jeepers! That's yucky. 115 00:05:08,660 --> 00:05:11,160 Whoa, it's a little early to start 116 00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:13,950 dropping J-bombs, don't you think? 117 00:05:13,950 --> 00:05:15,580 Hey, you guys. 118 00:05:15,580 --> 00:05:18,300 Oh, hey, Wil. Nice of you to make it out tonight for Howard. 119 00:05:18,300 --> 00:05:20,000 Well, it was either this or another 120 00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:22,340 hot tub party at George Takei's house. 121 00:05:22,340 --> 00:05:24,040 I'm confused. 122 00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:25,870 I thought since our reconciliation, 123 00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:27,380 I was your friend in this group. 124 00:05:27,380 --> 00:05:29,030 Oh, I'm friends with Howard too. 125 00:05:29,060 --> 00:05:29,730 Oh! 126 00:05:29,730 --> 00:05:32,260 I guess you're just friends with anybody. 127 00:05:34,850 --> 00:05:36,720 Aah! 128 00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:39,150 Hey, uh, Leonard... 129 00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:42,320 things are a little tight at the comic book store. 130 00:05:42,330 --> 00:05:45,390 I might need some help covering my share of the check. 131 00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:47,080 Oh, yeah, no worries. 132 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:48,860 And maybe a few bucks for the valet. 133 00:05:48,870 --> 00:05:49,950 Oh, all right. 134 00:05:49,950 --> 00:05:51,950 And gas money to get home. 135 00:05:51,950 --> 00:05:54,240 Yeah, sure. Great. 136 00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:57,140 You know what? This is my grandfather's watch. 137 00:05:57,160 --> 00:05:57,570 Oh. 138 00:05:57,570 --> 00:05:59,910 18-carat gold, got it in Europe during the war. 139 00:05:59,910 --> 00:06:01,580 Wow, that's very nice. Mm-hmm. 140 00:06:01,580 --> 00:06:03,760 100 bucks and it's yours. 141 00:06:03,760 --> 00:06:05,710 KOOTHRAPPALI: Hey, everybody! 142 00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:07,430 The bachelor boy has arrived! (chuckles) 143 00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:11,270 ALL: ♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪ 144 00:06:11,270 --> 00:06:13,420 ♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪ 145 00:06:13,420 --> 00:06:17,110 ♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪ 146 00:06:17,110 --> 00:06:18,780 ♪ Which nobody can deny ♪ 147 00:06:18,780 --> 00:06:21,110 Yes, yes, yes. He's a jolly good fellow. 148 00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:23,620 What time do the strippers arrive? 149 00:06:23,620 --> 00:06:27,200 Actually, Barry, we're not going to have strippers tonight. 150 00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:30,910 Ah, then what the frig did I get 200 dollars in singles out for? 151 00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:34,830 You want to buy a watch? 152 00:06:37,780 --> 00:06:40,480 This is Maid of Honor Amy Farrah Fowler, 153 00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:42,080 bringing you the wedding activities 154 00:06:42,090 --> 00:06:44,300 just weeks out from the big day. 155 00:06:44,310 --> 00:06:47,720 Let's check in with a beautiful, radiant young woman, 156 00:06:47,730 --> 00:06:51,010 and her friend who's about to get married. 157 00:06:52,430 --> 00:06:54,730 Ladies, can you tell us what you're doing? 158 00:06:54,730 --> 00:06:56,230 Um, these are gift bags 159 00:06:56,230 --> 00:06:58,800 we're going to put in the hotel rooms of our out-of-town guests. 160 00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:00,500 This is a map of Pasadena. 161 00:07:00,500 --> 00:07:02,440 This is a list of local restaurants. 162 00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:03,810 And then, for Howie's relatives, 163 00:07:03,810 --> 00:07:05,610 we have antihistamines, antacids, 164 00:07:05,610 --> 00:07:08,640 and medicine for diarrhea and constipation. 165 00:07:08,650 --> 00:07:11,360 Yeah, we labeled them "stop and go." 166 00:07:13,780 --> 00:07:15,900 AMY: All right, pivoting to the big question: 167 00:07:15,900 --> 00:07:17,650 Bernadette, on your wedding night 168 00:07:17,650 --> 00:07:19,300 you'll be consummating your marriage. 169 00:07:19,310 --> 00:07:21,420 What do you think your first sexual position will be 170 00:07:21,430 --> 00:07:24,340 as husband and wife? 171 00:07:24,350 --> 00:07:26,160 Amy, please. 172 00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:27,800 Keeping in mind that whoever's on top 173 00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:30,430 may set the tone for the marriage. 174 00:07:30,430 --> 00:07:32,830 Okay, show's over. 175 00:07:32,840 --> 00:07:35,470 Hey, they may conceive a child on their wedding night. 176 00:07:35,470 --> 00:07:36,890 Don't you think the kid might get a kick 177 00:07:36,890 --> 00:07:38,460 out of knowing how it happened? 178 00:07:39,340 --> 00:07:40,690 I don't care. 179 00:07:40,690 --> 00:07:43,010 Ask her things like "Are you going to take Howard's name?" 180 00:07:43,010 --> 00:07:45,280 Not "Who's going to sit on who." 181 00:07:46,650 --> 00:07:48,900 I've actually been thinking I'm going to hyphenate: 182 00:07:48,900 --> 00:07:52,740 Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski-Wolowitz. 183 00:07:52,740 --> 00:07:53,870 Nice. 184 00:07:53,870 --> 00:07:55,120 You know, you should totally get 185 00:07:55,130 --> 00:07:57,410 Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski-Wolowitz.com 186 00:07:57,410 --> 00:08:00,860 before someone snaps it up. 187 00:08:00,860 --> 00:08:02,580 Howard already took care of it. 188 00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:06,420 Plus, he set up our beautiful wedding Web site 189 00:08:06,420 --> 00:08:08,800 with cute little facts about our family histories. 190 00:08:08,810 --> 00:08:10,510 Do you know, for a while in Poland, 191 00:08:10,510 --> 00:08:13,010 my family and his family were neighbors. 192 00:08:13,010 --> 00:08:14,230 Oh, that's cool. 193 00:08:14,230 --> 00:08:17,310 No, it's not. I'll explain it to you later. 194 00:08:20,230 --> 00:08:22,020 (all laughing) (clinking on glass) 195 00:08:22,020 --> 00:08:24,490 May I have your attention, please? 196 00:08:24,490 --> 00:08:27,990 We are hear tonight to celebrate the upcoming nuptials 197 00:08:27,990 --> 00:08:30,560 of my best friend Howard Wolowitz. 198 00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:32,560 ALL: Hear! Hear! 199 00:08:32,560 --> 00:08:35,280 And, apparently, Wil Wheaton's best friend. 200 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:37,330 Sheldon... 201 00:08:37,330 --> 00:08:39,280 Talk to the hand. 202 00:08:40,500 --> 00:08:41,920 Does anyone have any words 203 00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:45,460 they'd like to say about our man of the evening? 204 00:08:45,460 --> 00:08:46,460 I do. 205 00:08:46,460 --> 00:08:48,030 (all groan) 206 00:08:48,030 --> 00:08:49,430 As is the tradition, 207 00:08:49,430 --> 00:08:52,600 I have prepared a series of disrespectful jokes 208 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:55,350 which generate humor at Howard's expense. 209 00:08:55,350 --> 00:08:57,250 Prepare to have your ribs tickled... (clears throat) 210 00:08:57,250 --> 00:09:01,810 Howard... I always thought you'd be the last one of us 211 00:09:01,810 --> 00:09:05,430 to ever get married, because you are so short and unappealing. 212 00:09:05,430 --> 00:09:06,630 Am I right? 213 00:09:07,580 --> 00:09:09,100 Let's see here. 214 00:09:09,100 --> 00:09:10,600 Oh, seriously though, Howard, 215 00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:14,370 you're actually one of the most intelligent people I know. 216 00:09:14,370 --> 00:09:16,320 And that's a zinger, because you're not. 217 00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:18,610 (laughs) 218 00:09:18,610 --> 00:09:21,130 I've always thought that you'd make 219 00:09:21,130 --> 00:09:23,110 someone a fine husband someday. 220 00:09:23,110 --> 00:09:24,800 Assuming you'd be able to get the parts, 221 00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:26,500 and develop the engineering skills 222 00:09:26,500 --> 00:09:28,580 to assemble them, which I don't see as likely. 223 00:09:28,590 --> 00:09:29,690 Hacha! 224 00:09:29,690 --> 00:09:31,970 (laughs) 225 00:09:31,970 --> 00:09:33,590 Okay... Let me see here. 226 00:09:33,590 --> 00:09:35,160 Okay, kidding aside-- 227 00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:37,560 Howard, you are a good friend. 228 00:09:37,560 --> 00:09:40,100 And I wish you nothing but happiness. 229 00:09:40,100 --> 00:09:41,430 Bazinga, I don't! 230 00:09:42,530 --> 00:09:44,650 Sheldon... Doubleazinga! I do! 231 00:09:45,690 --> 00:09:48,640 Good luck following that. 232 00:09:51,070 --> 00:09:53,440 So, Howard Wolowitz tying the knot. 233 00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:56,500 Leaving his crazy bachelor days behind. 234 00:09:56,500 --> 00:09:58,660 He was a wild one. 235 00:09:58,670 --> 00:10:01,870 Well, I guess we all kind of were. 236 00:10:02,700 --> 00:10:04,820 I remember this one time, 237 00:10:04,820 --> 00:10:08,160 I was with this girl at the beach. 238 00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:12,340 We were in the ocean and we started making out. 239 00:10:13,460 --> 00:10:16,210 I know, it was crazy. 240 00:10:17,180 --> 00:10:19,130 I wasn't even wearing my Aquasocks. 241 00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:21,690 Then... 242 00:10:21,690 --> 00:10:22,670 Nobody cares, Hofstadter. 243 00:10:22,670 --> 00:10:23,810 Wrap it up. 244 00:10:23,810 --> 00:10:25,020 Right. 245 00:10:25,030 --> 00:10:25,970 To Howard. 246 00:10:25,980 --> 00:10:27,510 ALL: To Howard. 247 00:10:27,510 --> 00:10:29,480 I totally had sex in the ocean. 248 00:10:31,950 --> 00:10:35,950 Okay, I'll go. 249 00:10:35,950 --> 00:10:41,240 Howard, when I think about you and Bernadette 250 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:44,190 starting this wonderful life together, 251 00:10:44,190 --> 00:10:47,210 I can't help but get a little choked up. 252 00:10:47,210 --> 00:10:48,410 I mean... 253 00:10:48,420 --> 00:10:49,410 look at you. 254 00:10:49,420 --> 00:10:52,170 You have everything. 255 00:10:52,170 --> 00:10:53,470 Look at me. 256 00:10:53,470 --> 00:10:55,540 I'm 37. 257 00:10:55,540 --> 00:10:57,890 I sleep in the back of a comic book store, 258 00:10:57,890 --> 00:11:01,660 and I have the bone density of an 80-year-old man. 259 00:11:03,710 --> 00:11:06,180 (whispers): To Howard. 260 00:11:06,180 --> 00:11:09,550 Yeah, to Howard. Yes... 261 00:11:09,550 --> 00:11:12,150 Um, uh, who's next? KRIPKE: I'll go. 262 00:11:12,160 --> 00:11:17,080 Howard, I'm gonna say something to you that everybody's thinking 263 00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:20,360 but no one has the courage to say out loud. 264 00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:22,410 When you invite a man to a bachelor party, 265 00:11:22,420 --> 00:11:25,170 the implication is, there will be strippers. 266 00:11:25,170 --> 00:11:27,700 Maybe not completely nude, 267 00:11:27,710 --> 00:11:29,340 but at least pasties and G-strings. 268 00:11:29,340 --> 00:11:31,420 That's not unreasonable. 269 00:11:31,430 --> 00:11:33,880 KOOTHRAPPALI: Hear, hear. ALL: Hear, hear. 270 00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:36,430 Okay, uh, anybody else? 271 00:11:36,430 --> 00:11:38,080 Huh? No? 272 00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:42,520 Okay, it all comes down to me, the best man. 273 00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:44,750 (laughs) 274 00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:48,420 Ooh! This grasshopper is kicking my ass-hopper. 275 00:11:48,430 --> 00:11:51,930 Okay, okay, when I first came to this country, 276 00:11:51,930 --> 00:11:55,430 I-I didn't know how to behave or how to dress, 277 00:11:55,430 --> 00:11:58,320 or what was cool... I was pretty lonely. 278 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:02,100 But then I met Howard, and suddenly, my life changed, 279 00:12:02,110 --> 00:12:05,990 because we could be lonely together. 280 00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:13,080 This man became my whole world. 281 00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:15,630 Yeah, nice speech, Francine. 282 00:12:19,290 --> 00:12:22,670 I'm not done, but thank you. 283 00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:24,960 I think back.... 284 00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:29,820 ...to all the good times we had, like, uh, 285 00:12:29,820 --> 00:12:31,970 when we went camping and spent that night 286 00:12:31,970 --> 00:12:33,690 telling each other all our secrets. 287 00:12:33,690 --> 00:12:36,640 I told him I'm addicted to pedicures 288 00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:39,860 and he told me he lost his virginity to his cousin. 289 00:12:39,860 --> 00:12:42,990 (all laugh) 290 00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:45,910 She was my second cousin. 291 00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:47,670 And the first woman you ever disappointed sexually. 292 00:12:47,670 --> 00:12:50,040 Ba-da-bazinga! 293 00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:52,820 Oh... oh, yeah, and then there was the time 294 00:12:52,820 --> 00:12:56,090 when Leonard and I took Howard to Las Vegas 295 00:12:56,090 --> 00:12:59,930 and paid a hooker to pretend she was Jewish 296 00:12:59,930 --> 00:13:03,930 and that she wanted his little kosher pickle. 297 00:13:03,930 --> 00:13:05,830 (all laugh) 298 00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:07,970 Of all the "Howard humping hookers" stories, 299 00:13:07,970 --> 00:13:10,140 that one's my favorite! 300 00:13:10,140 --> 00:13:12,670 Okay, buddy, that's it. Sit down. 301 00:13:12,680 --> 00:13:15,610 Oh, oh, what about that tubby girl 302 00:13:15,610 --> 00:13:18,150 in the Sailor Moon costume at Comic-con? 303 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:21,200 Don't remember. Please sit down. 304 00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:23,990 The only threesome I've ever had in my life, 305 00:13:23,990 --> 00:13:27,290 and I'm proud to say it was with this man right here. 306 00:13:27,290 --> 00:13:30,740 (all laugh) 307 00:13:30,740 --> 00:13:32,460 Oh, please shut up. 308 00:13:32,460 --> 00:13:33,910 Oh, oh, don't get me wrong, 309 00:13:33,910 --> 00:13:36,080 nothing happened with me and Howard. 310 00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:39,670 There was about 200 pounds of Sailor Moon between us. 311 00:13:39,670 --> 00:13:41,090 (laughter) 312 00:13:43,470 --> 00:13:48,690 Oh, Internet, this is so going all over you. 313 00:13:48,700 --> 00:13:51,880 Jeepers, I'm drunk. (both laugh) 314 00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,680 Thank you for picking us up. 315 00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:01,780 There's a warning, right there, on the scotch bottle. 316 00:14:01,780 --> 00:14:04,320 (Scottish accent): You cannot be operatin' heavy machinery 317 00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:07,450 after you had a snootful of this, laddie! 318 00:14:07,460 --> 00:14:11,740 (both laughing) 319 00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:14,580 Funny. 320 00:14:14,580 --> 00:14:16,330 You boys have a nice time? 321 00:14:16,330 --> 00:14:18,430 Yeah, it was great. 322 00:14:18,430 --> 00:14:19,550 Low-key, like I promised. 323 00:14:19,550 --> 00:14:21,750 No hanky-panky, no strippers. 324 00:14:21,750 --> 00:14:25,420 Just the guys telling jokes. 325 00:14:25,420 --> 00:14:27,590 That's nice. 326 00:14:27,590 --> 00:14:31,060 How about you? Did you have a fun night? 327 00:14:31,060 --> 00:14:34,060 Yeah, we, uh, made gift bags, had wine, 328 00:14:34,070 --> 00:14:36,820 and then went online and saw this. 329 00:14:36,820 --> 00:14:40,550 KOOTHRAPPALI: Of all the "Howard humping hookers" stories, 330 00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:42,270 that one's my favorite. 331 00:14:47,660 --> 00:14:49,780 You know, we're not that far from my apartment. 332 00:14:49,780 --> 00:14:53,030 If you stop the car, I can walk from here. 333 00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:56,570 You ain't goin' anywhere, Threeway. 334 00:14:56,570 --> 00:14:59,790 Bernadette, listen... You lied to me. 335 00:14:59,790 --> 00:15:02,290 You said you told me about all the girls you've been with, 336 00:15:02,290 --> 00:15:06,880 but you never mentioned your cousin, the prostitute or Raj! 337 00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:10,470 Seriously, you don't even have to stop the car. 338 00:15:10,470 --> 00:15:12,090 Anything under ten miles an hour 339 00:15:12,090 --> 00:15:14,090 and I can combat-roll into the street. 340 00:15:16,470 --> 00:15:18,730 Okay, just to set the record straight, 341 00:15:18,730 --> 00:15:23,110 I didn't hire the prostitute, she was a gift from him. 342 00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:24,480 Shame on you, Raj. 343 00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:27,100 That is not how we treat women in this country. 344 00:15:28,620 --> 00:15:30,650 Don't you try and blame this on him. 345 00:15:30,660 --> 00:15:32,910 - Thank you, Bernadette. - Zip it, pervert! 346 00:15:36,210 --> 00:15:38,580 I don't know what I'm going to do. 347 00:15:38,580 --> 00:15:40,700 I'm supposed to marry Howard in a couple weeks 348 00:15:40,700 --> 00:15:43,630 and I'm not sure I even know who the man is anymore. 349 00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:45,970 I'm curious what's bothering you most: 350 00:15:45,970 --> 00:15:49,170 the borderline incest, the prostitute or group sex 351 00:15:49,170 --> 00:15:52,140 with the girl dressed as the children's cartoon? 352 00:15:53,010 --> 00:15:55,150 Amy, remember when we went over things 353 00:15:55,150 --> 00:15:57,180 that would be helpful and things that wouldn't? 354 00:15:57,180 --> 00:15:58,820 Right. 355 00:15:58,820 --> 00:16:01,100 - And that was... - Not. 356 00:16:02,990 --> 00:16:05,570 When I first met Howard, he seemed so innocent to me, 357 00:16:05,570 --> 00:16:07,970 just a sweet little guy who lives with his mother. 358 00:16:07,980 --> 00:16:09,980 Well, if that's what you like, I'll take you 359 00:16:09,980 --> 00:16:12,500 to the comic book store-- the place is full of 'em. 360 00:16:13,430 --> 00:16:15,870 Wait a minute. 361 00:16:15,870 --> 00:16:17,980 You set me up with Howard. 362 00:16:18,590 --> 00:16:19,590 Did you know about 363 00:16:19,590 --> 00:16:21,320 all the creepy stuff he was into? 364 00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:23,710 Well, a little. You hear stuff... 365 00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:28,240 Why didn't you tell me 366 00:16:28,250 --> 00:16:29,430 Well, I was gonna, but I didn't think 367 00:16:29,430 --> 00:16:31,080 it would go past the first date. 368 00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:32,970 Then, when it did, I thought for sure 369 00:16:32,970 --> 00:16:34,630 it wouldn't go past you meeting his mother. 370 00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:36,550 Definitely not past the two of you sleeping together. 371 00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:41,270 I mean, the warning signs were there-- this is really on you. 372 00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:42,090 God! 373 00:16:42,090 --> 00:16:43,890 I thought you were my friend. 374 00:16:43,900 --> 00:16:46,330 (crying) 375 00:16:46,330 --> 00:16:47,980 (sighs) 376 00:16:47,980 --> 00:16:49,700 (door slams) 377 00:16:49,700 --> 00:16:51,350 I don't think that was helpful. 378 00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:56,240 Hi, Bernie, it's me again. 379 00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:58,460 Please call me back. 380 00:16:58,460 --> 00:17:00,910 Dude, I am so sorry. 381 00:17:00,910 --> 00:17:03,200 It's not your fault, it's mine. 382 00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:05,580 I did all that stuff, not you. 383 00:17:05,580 --> 00:17:08,530 Actually, you did do one of them together. 384 00:17:09,590 --> 00:17:11,370 Here. 385 00:17:11,370 --> 00:17:12,460 What is this? 386 00:17:12,460 --> 00:17:13,540 You're upset. 387 00:17:13,540 --> 00:17:14,510 The convention is to 388 00:17:14,510 --> 00:17:16,180 bring an upset person a hot beverage. 389 00:17:16,180 --> 00:17:17,790 No, but what is it? 390 00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:18,730 Chicken broth. 391 00:17:18,730 --> 00:17:21,180 It seemed culturally appropriate. 392 00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:24,180 Also, there was a single cube of chicken bouillon 393 00:17:24,190 --> 00:17:25,770 in the cupboard when I moved in 394 00:17:25,770 --> 00:17:29,270 and it's been bothering me for the last eight years... 395 00:17:29,270 --> 00:17:31,490 So, as they say, two birds. 396 00:17:33,110 --> 00:17:35,610 I don't know what my next move is. 397 00:17:35,610 --> 00:17:38,450 Well, Howard, I don't know much about women... 398 00:17:38,450 --> 00:17:40,730 - Yeah? - No, uh, that, that's it. 399 00:17:40,740 --> 00:17:42,890 I don't know much about women. 400 00:17:44,290 --> 00:17:45,990 Raj, you got anything? 401 00:17:45,990 --> 00:17:49,240 I've got the phone number of the tubby girl from Comic-Con. 402 00:17:51,250 --> 00:17:53,930 I'm not calling the girl from Comic-con. 403 00:17:53,930 --> 00:17:55,180 All right. 404 00:17:55,180 --> 00:17:57,630 More Sailor Moon for me. 405 00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:02,260 I just threw up the bachelor party. 406 00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:07,030 Please come out, Bernadette. 407 00:18:07,030 --> 00:18:08,530 Let's talk through this. 408 00:18:08,530 --> 00:18:10,010 BERNADETTE: No, leave me alone. 409 00:18:10,020 --> 00:18:13,570 Perhaps you should give him a taste of his own medicine. 410 00:18:13,570 --> 00:18:15,450 Do you have a cousin who you find attractive? 411 00:18:15,450 --> 00:18:18,860 (knocking on door) Amy. 412 00:18:18,860 --> 00:18:20,540 Hey, you introduced him to the sleazebag. 413 00:18:20,540 --> 00:18:23,110 I'm just trying to clean up your mess. 414 00:18:24,780 --> 00:18:26,230 Oh, hi. 415 00:18:26,230 --> 00:18:27,380 Hi. 416 00:18:27,380 --> 00:18:29,470 I need to talk to Bernadette. 417 00:18:29,470 --> 00:18:32,790 Well, I don't think she wants to talk to anyone right now. 418 00:18:32,790 --> 00:18:37,140 All right, well, could you at least give her a message? 419 00:18:37,140 --> 00:18:38,960 Yeah, sure, I guess. 420 00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:42,760 Tell her I'm really sorry. 421 00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:48,100 And if she doesn't want to marry me, I get it. 422 00:18:48,100 --> 00:18:50,520 But what I really want her to know 423 00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:52,810 is the guy that she's disgusted by, 424 00:18:52,810 --> 00:18:54,940 is the guy that I'm disgusted by, too. 425 00:18:54,940 --> 00:18:57,990 But that guy doesn't exist anymore; he's gone. 426 00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:03,080 And the reason is because of her. 427 00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:08,510 So, if this relationship is over, 428 00:19:08,510 --> 00:19:12,630 let her know that she made me a better man, 429 00:19:12,630 --> 00:19:17,100 and tell her thank you. 430 00:19:17,100 --> 00:19:20,900 (voice breaking): Oh, my God, Howard. 431 00:19:20,900 --> 00:19:25,440 That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. 432 00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:29,610 And it came out of you. 433 00:19:30,590 --> 00:19:33,280 Howie? 434 00:19:33,280 --> 00:19:36,530 Penny has a message for you. 435 00:19:36,540 --> 00:19:38,450 I heard. 436 00:19:38,450 --> 00:19:41,940 Your voice, not unlike your mother's, travels through walls. 437 00:19:41,940 --> 00:19:44,410 Do you want me to go? 438 00:19:44,410 --> 00:19:45,990 No. 439 00:19:46,530 --> 00:19:47,860 Come here. 440 00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:55,000 I'm still really mad at you. 441 00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:56,870 I get that. 442 00:19:56,870 --> 00:19:59,510 Is there anything else about your past I should know? 443 00:19:59,510 --> 00:20:02,340 Couple things, but, you know, most of them happened overseas. 444 00:20:02,340 --> 00:20:04,510 I'll tell you later. 445 00:20:06,350 --> 00:20:07,660 Okay. 446 00:20:07,670 --> 00:20:10,020 So, is the wedding still on? 447 00:20:10,020 --> 00:20:13,350 Yeah, the wedding's still on. 448 00:20:14,890 --> 00:20:16,810 (laughing): Oh, thank God. 449 00:20:16,810 --> 00:20:19,540 I'm still a maid of honor! 450 00:20:20,890 --> 00:20:23,450 Oh, what the hell. 451 00:20:24,370 --> 00:20:26,600 AMY: This is kind of hot. 452 00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:36,770 Hello. 453 00:20:36,830 --> 00:20:38,680 What's with the robe? 454 00:20:38,690 --> 00:20:41,050 I'm gonna have sex with you right here, 455 00:20:41,060 --> 00:20:43,270 right now, on that washing machine. 456 00:20:46,190 --> 00:20:48,040 No, you're not. 457 00:20:48,050 --> 00:20:51,060 Come on, please. 458 00:20:52,570 --> 00:20:54,020 If you want to do something, 459 00:20:54,020 --> 00:20:56,420 you can help me fold this sheet. 460 00:20:57,740 --> 00:21:00,290 Folding a sheet in my underwear, still pretty crazy.