This is fucking epic.
I never thought I'd be in Myrtle Beach with Kenny fucking Powers.
Oh.
Oh, uh, hey, why don't you help unpack the boxes?
I'm gonna go look for Kenny, okay?
- Okay. - Okay. Love you. Love you.
Whoo!
Kenny. I fucking made it.
You shredded.
Surf's motherfucking up, nigga.
Let's take it down a notch, Stevie.
There's lots of pussy at the beach.
Yeah, dog, that's how I do.
Excuse me.
Yeah. I fucking made it, dude.
Hey, will you hit me with my towel real quick?
- Oh, hello, sin - Yep. I put Toby in that hole...
...so no one would kidnap him.
- That's smart. - Parenting skills.
I don't know, uh, if you've been working out...
- ...your body's looking good. - Yeah.
It's these waves. It tightens everything up in the core.
- Oh, nice, man. - Whoa!
You see me fucking dominate that Wave, Powers?
- Straight owning it, Shane. - Unh! You know it.
- Top Gun, I'm Tom Cruise, heh. - I'm Tom, heh.
- Who's this person? - Who am I?
The guy who's about to whip your ass...
...for getting my truck shot with a cannonball.
Oh, oh, oh!
He boned you.
I'm just fucking with you.
- This is Shane. My best friend. - That's right. Yeah.
- Best friends? Really? - Yeah.
It's really good meeting you. Oh.
- Burned him twice. - Twice.
- He's at the beach. - Whoo, whom, whoo!
- He's in the ocean. - Heh.
I'm gonna need you two to hit the ground running.
We're gonna have to unfortunately convert the dojo into Toby's room.
I'm gonna need you to baby-proof this up...
...stash the weapons, make it kid-friendly.
You two will use my computer research lab as your sleeping chambers.
There is a bed for each of you.
Separate beds. Got It.
So my bedroom is at the end of the hall. Strictly off-limits.
In fact, I need you to go get a deadbolt.
I'm gonna lock that up. Are we clear?
Yes, crystal clean Um, and now, uh--
What the fuck are you two whispering about?
In order to avoid some of the behavioral issues...
...that have occurred in the past...
...uh, Maria thought it would be a good idea if I lay down some ground rules.
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
No, I'm" I'm not kidding. Uh...
"Rules for new relationship...
- ...with Kenny Powers. - Heh.
It is important for us to share a mutual respect for one another.
It's not healthy for me to put you on a pedestal, or put you above me...
...or think about how a world without you wouldn't even be a world worth living in."
- What, are you about to cry? - No. No, no, no.
- Okay. - Huh!
"I will also no longer“ I will also no longer be able to loan you...
...large sums of money."
Whoa, whoa, what about in case of emergency?
No. No, no, no.
Well, in the case of an emergency?
Like, what if I was at a store and I found...
- ...a shirt I was gonna wear? - That might qualify.
You'd probably look good as hell in that.
Maria.
And finally, "We must, by law...
...have the most coolest...
...and amazing shit-awesome time in Myrtle fucking Beach.
And party like the fuck, heh. Sincerely, Stevie Janowski."
Mm.
All right. Well, there are a shit ton of fun things to do in Myrtle Beach...
...that's for sure. Let's not forget about Toby, okay?
I mean, you guys are parents now.
And with parenthood comes certain sacrifices.
A white baby needs care basically 24/7.
- Got it. - Urn...
He a very handsome baby.
Yeah, he is a handsome baby.
Look Who's stringing together sentences, huh?
Miss Rules over here, heh.
I got a pretty fucking dope life here in Myrtle Beach.
I'm not gonna let some handsome, hot-as-fuck, little child ruin it.
You got that, Toby? Look how cute he is. I fucking hate him.
The Feeling of Winning Big Time, Dude.
Once upon a time, I believed in destiny
But now I say F that B.
Everything I have in this life, I earn myself.
There's no cosmic luck deciding shit for us. My wealth, my fame...
...my World Series pennant, I earned myself.
What I didn't earn myself was when I caught crabs.
I got those from sleeping at a Red Roof Inn.
I'm like, "I ain't got cash." She goes, "Let me give you a hand job.
It'll be on me." "Yes, ma'am."
- Oh, nice. - Celebrity.
- Celebrity. Yeah. - Celebrity.
What the fuck are you Satan worshippers looking at?
Texas is here, man.
Six-foot-three, 215 pounds...
Texas.
Barely got peach fuzz over his pecker, heh.
Nobody else knows about him.
And he ain't got nowhere else to play.
A little help with the ball, please?
- It's me. - Who's that?
- Just kidding. Psyche your mind. - Psyche your mind again, it's me.
- Ha, ha. - Well, if it ain't La Flama fucking Blanca.
- Yeah. - Straight up from the south side.
How you doing, golden boy?
- I'm just golden, baby, you said the word. - Mm-hm.
Meanwhile, you're down here squirting fire like a dragon's pussy.
- You bet your ass I am. - Don't you think Texas...
...ain't nibbling at your huevos, either.
I can feel them. I come home...
...and feel like one had a little bite.
- You know who it is. Ha, ha. - That's you.
Taking a bite.
That's right. How you doing? You been good?
- What's your name? - Shane.
- Hey, Shane. - Shane.
- This is Shane. - Shane catch your balls?
- Yeah, Shane's the catcher on the team. - Yeah?
- How you doing? - I'm good. Give me a second to talk...
- ...to my man Kenny. - Still driving that Blazer?
So, Kenny, like I said...
- ...things are looking real good for you. - Uh-huh.
- Out here on the mound. - Okay.
That's not the reason that I'm here today. All right?
Have a look on the mound.
Who the fuck is this idiot?
He's from Russia. First name Ivan, last name, Dochenko.
Asian dude?
Holy crackling shit.
He's already thrown 80 balls today. Did we clock in at what?
One-oh-two.
Where did you find this kid?
The Russians were prepping him to be their stud coming to the new Olympics.
But baseball got voted out of the games, and we got him.
With 102, I'd say he's some kind of fucking prodigy.
Big deal. This fucking Russian ass wipe can throw 102 at practice...
...but can homeboy do that shit in the heat of a game?
You don't throw 102 in practice.
Because what's the point? It's fucking practice.
- Walk with me. - Get your head out of your ass.
Come on, Skip, it's practice.
Ooh! Looking good, Ivan.
Step off the mound a minute, take a break.
I want you to meet somebody.
Ivan Dochenko, Kenny Powers.
Hello. I've never heard of you before.
I grew up watching you, as a boy.
Don't try to date me, heh, I ain't that old.
I'm dying to know, how much better is America than, uh, Russian place?
By "Russian place," do you mean Russia the nation?
Yeah.
America's good, you know?
It's like-- It's like Russia in many ways, I feel like.
- You should come and visit sometime. - Why would I want to go to Russia?
They've been enemies of America for the longest time.
Not for many years. That's all over now.
That ended back In the '80s almost.
So you think. But the people in charge don't think that.
You think there's still conflict between-J
Do I think? I know. Whatever. Tomato, tomato.
Which one?
What is he talking about?
- You said, "Tomato, tomato." - We got a little language barrier.
What is going on? This is what you want me to do?
Play word games with him?
He throws good. Got a language barrier. I need patience from you.
Hey. Hop up there, stay" loosen,
- Keep throwing the ball. - Throw ball.
- Take a walk with me. - Good to meet you.
Your face is-- ls big. I like it.
So, what do you think of the kid?
I don't know, Roy. It seems like he has a big ego.
If there's one thing I've learned, uh, there is no room for egos in baseball.
That's exactly what I wanna talk to you about.
Kenny, I want you to be his mentor.
I want you to take that kid under your wing.
I want you to show him how a big leaguer does things.
You trying to turn me into motherfucking Mr. Miyagi?
Mr. Miyagi was a bad motherfucker.
Mr. Miyagi was fucking 4 feet tall and Chinese.
Man, Tm not trying to do that.
You've never let me down yet, Kenny. You've been a consummate professional.
Well, Roy, you're asking a whole lot of me here.
I know I am.
It's only because I know you can handle it, hoss.
Love you, baby.
Fucker
Whenever I've experienced major obstacles in my life...
...I can usually depend on the power...
...of a beautiful woman's love to help me conquer.
If the time comes, and I call upon you to believe in me...
...will you do it?
Do what?
Will you be the woman that would come to a very important game of mine...
...in the moment of crisis, rise, stand, look me dead in the eyes...
...and give me the confidence I need to prevail?
I mean, I guess. If I'm free.
Okay. Yeah. Ah right, well, cool. I'll take that. Sure.
Cool. Thank you for believing in me.
You're welcome, heh.
It's whatever.
In other news, looks like I'm stuck with the kid for a spell.
Ew! That sucks.
You think I want to hang out with my son?
I'd much rather be doing cocaine...
...and watching the Saw movies on DVD in your dorm room.
Well, then what are you gonna dos?
Kind of hard to say at this point.
His bitch of a mom dumped his ass on me, stone cold.
Yeah, and guess what else?
She also tried to seduce me, put me into drugs...
...and put alcohol down my throat, and tried to have me have sex to her.
- Did you? - Well, you know, I'd never He to you.
So did you have sex with her?
Mm-mm. Nope.
Because what we have is solid gold.
Why am I gonna ruin that on some old pussy...
...that popped a kid out a year ago? No.
I trust you, heh.
I trust you too.
Whoo! Look at him go, huh?
Thattaboy. Go on and get it.
Why aren't you swimming?
I had tubes in my ears as a kid.
Oh, I gotcha. Surprise, surprise.
Dude loves riding some waves, Huck.
Cutting him up like he a fucking Ginsu knife.
Kenny's good at everything that has to do with water.
- Swimming, Jet Ski... - No, I know, Steve, I know.
- Oh, you do? - Yeah, I do.
Yeah, I know a lot about Kenny.
- Really? - Yeah, I get him.
In fact, the only thing I don't get about him...
...is how the fuck you factor into the situation.
What? No-- My role is essential.
Who do you think got him where he is today?
I knew that man when he was a dumb, fucking teacher.
- Oh, no kidding? - When he lived in Mexico.
I knew him in high school.
Yeah, I know about you in high school.
I think I have an understanding of Kenny over a long range of years. I--
And he can't be getting distracted, okay?
Last thing he needs is some fucking bitch-ass, little boy toy...
...goddamn hanger-on like you getting in his way.
Don't get in his way.
- I'm not gonna get In his way. - Good.
You don't get in his way.
You have nothing to worry about. I got my eye on the ball.
Just like a Catcher's supposed to do.
Well, I got my eye on balls as well.
Oh, no kidding.
- Yeah, all the balls. - Yeah.
Multiple balls.
Because that's what assistants do.
Good luck watching all them balls, Steve.
- I'll watch as many as I want to. - Yeah, good luck with it.
What's up, K.P.?
The trident.
Poseidon, the god of the ocean's, weapon of choice.
Ancient mermen used to use this weapon in battle to fight the crustacean armies...
wand all the shrimps and jellyfish in the sea.
I often come out here to this abandoned cement factory...
...to harness its power; learn its secrets...
...think about life, think about the game.
They're the same thing, you know?
Heads up.
Nice hands.
Now listen to what I have to say.
I'm about to teach you some things that can't be taught.
Do you see the yonder peaks of this ancient building?
Do you mean the roof?
- Yes. - Yeah.
I need you to scale this and find your way to the peak.
Heh, no, I can't. That is impossible, I can't do it.
You won't climb up that thing?
I can't. It's too-- Too tall.
Fine. Do you see there?
That weird, dark, cavernous area that's kind of scary?
In order to become a man, and on the team...
...you have to crawl into there and murder a rat.
Everyone on the team has done this before.
No.
How am I supposed to mentor you if you're not gonna do the exercises...
...or transitions that I've thought up of?
- Give me something else-- - All right.
How about you just, at a brisk pace, run up that ramp and take your shirt oh'?
Why should I take my shirt off?
Because. Why wouldn't you do that?
I'm trying to teach you lessons that can't be taught.
Think Luke Skywalker would've learned anything from Yoda...
...if he kept saying "no"?
- Luke Skywalker? - From fucking Star Wars, dog.
You know what? Fuck this. Obviously, you don't want to fucking learn.
You're sending me a mixed signal, you know?
Don't try to outsmart me, mister.
I'm a fucking writer.
- Yeah, and I'm deejay, bro. - All right, fine.
You think you can fucking fly solo...
...you could do this on your own? Go for it.
Good. I don't need lessons from fucking has-been.
- What'd you just say? - You heard what I said.
No, I didn't hear.
- I called you a has-been. - A has-been?
- Yes. - And I'm gonna assume...
...there was something lost in translation.
In Russia, a has-been is someone who once was great, but is now shit.
That's exactly the same thing it means in America as well.
That's why I said It.
You better fucking think again, bro.
I'm the most famous person the Mermen has}.
- The next one up to the majors. - We shall see about that.
You're seeing about it right now.
I'm the team leader Franchise star player.
See it, saw it, sawn it. You're done. I won the argument.
And let me tell you something.
I hope you pitch better than your mouth works.
Because for me, my mouth is not as good as my arm, right?
Fucking through your face and dead.
Yeah, if I had the gun, I'm like...
Fucking gun's chopped in half, electricity comes into your face.
- Two guns. - That one's done too. Inside of you.
And now you're a fucking puppet.
I can bounce this around, you're a puppet.
- Smash your fucking face in. - You are like baby.
So I wish you...
...nothing but the best of luck.
Because you're going to need it.
Don't try to wish me good luck.
Fuck. What the“?
Let's go. Hey, man, don't fuck around. Don't fuck around, man.
Hey. Hey. He)'-
You're my fucking ride. Fuck you, motherfucker.
Andrea?
Andrea? Andrea?
Is this Andrea's classroom?
Andrea? Is this Andrea's classroom? There you are.
Sir, it's a closed session.
Eat shit, fucker.
Andrea, you made a promise to me, and now, unfortunately...
...I have to collect upon that promise.
Are you ready to believe in me?
Nu?
I'm in class right now.
I'm slowly realizing this.
Uh...
Don't whisper. Nobody needs to be whispering, okay?
This is serious.
We're talking about our relationship here.
Can we talk about this later?
Okay, cool. Well, I'm probably just freaking out.
I got a lot of emotional baggage I've been dealing with...
I'm not some needy old dude rushing into a classroom...
masking for confidence. Heh, that's not me.
- That's not me, heh. - Heh.
Tm gonna go now, I'm gonna be fine.
Nobody worry about me. I got this shit fucking cinched.
All right. That's-- That's; it.
You sure you don't want to come right now, just to...?
You're busy. You guys are" Okay.
What the fuck is this Romper Room bullshit?
Stevie. Steven.
Kenny, I didn't hear you come in.
I need you to explain this. What is this?
Well, this is retro-baby chic.
I modeled this after a spread I saw in the latest Southern Living. Do you like it'?
Let me think about that for a second. No, I fucking hate it.
Tear it down. Start over. Restart.
Okay, right now is one of those times where I'm feeling a little disrespected.
I come down here and you're running around with some guy...
...and calling him your best friend.
And now you want me to redo all this hard Work?
I just feel, hmm...
...like my feelings, uh, aren't being taken into consideration.
I'm sorry, Stevie, that I am not taking your feelings into consideration.
- Thank you. - I'm sorry you decorated the room shittily.
I'm sorry Shane is my best friend.
And most importantly, I'm sorry that I just broke this silly fucking lamp.
Because my whole goddamn reign of power's being challenged here, Stevie.
I don't want my dojo to look like the place the Cabbage Patch Kids come to fuck.
Now this Russian's here and he might almost be as good as me.
- It makes me nervous - Aah!
I've never heard you say you were nervous before.
Well, It's because I've never been nervous before, Stevie.
- Does Shane know? - Of course not.
I'm not trying to look like a bitch in front of Shane.
He's my best friend. He's not someone I say things to.
Ah, okay. Okay.
You know, Kenny, back in high school, I used to watch you walk through the halls.
And I'd say, "There goes the coolest, cockiest kid in the world."
But you're no longer a kid anymore, Kenny.
You're a man.
And I guess all that coolness and cockiness has, uh, transformed.
But it's transformed...
...into something far more powerful.
Battle-hardened confidence.
Now, I have seen you face adversity with April, your career, marketing...
...and Mexicans.
And you, you always emerge victorious.
I didn't just come down to Myrtle for adventure...
...and possibly cheating on my wife.
No. I came down here...
...to be inspired.
I gotta admit, Stevie.
I didn't think you had what it takes to deliver a heartwarming, inspirational speech.
Thank you.
Because of your words, I'm now ready to destroy.
You need to fucking destroy now.
I'm sorry for hurting your feelings and destroying that dumb-ass lamp.
Fuck my feelings and fuck that lamp.
You need to get to the fucking stadium and destroy.
The Switch-hitting Jansen stands in here...
...two on, top of the ninth.
The stretch, the pitch-- Swung on and lined to right field, base hit.
- Jorasco gets it in quickly. - Come on.
Time.
Powers, you're in.
Welcome to America, baby dick.
The call has indeed gone to the bullpen.
There will be a pitching change.
It is six to one, Mermen, top of the ninth.
And it's Kenny Powers.
The big right-hander coming in to shut the door once again.
And now, pitching for the Mermen...
...Kenny Powers.
All right now, here we go.
You ready to show this Russian how we do this in the States?
- You're right. - Well, show me what you got, Goose.
I told you, I'm Tom Cruise.
I'm gonna hat you think you are.
- Guess what? I am Tom Cruise. - You're not.
- Tom Cruise. - Strike this motherfucker out.
- Tom Cruise. Thanks, Goose. - No.
I'm out of earshot.
Kenny. Kenny.
Go ahead and strike this pussy out.
I was talking to you.
Here we go.
- Strike one. - Yeah.
Fuck yeah.
- Strike two. - Barn!
Hey, that ain't distracting you, is it, huh?
You're gonna be all right.
Kenny. Kenny. Kenny.
Goddamn it.
Fuck.
I'm sure he doesn't know--
He gonna come here and probably give you a little chit-chat.
Powers, thank you, we won't be needing your services the rest of the evening.
You've got to be kidding me.
One fucking hit. Are you serious?
You've been preoccupied all week.
Pulling your dick, messing around, monkey-shining.
I'm gonna give the new guy a chance.
The new guv?
Hey, don't sass me, okay?
Texas is here. You're gonna fuck me in front of them?
I don't have to fight with you. Get off the mound.
- Dick. - Move it.
Piece of shit. Fucking racist cock-sucking...
Send in the fucking commie.
Ignorant choices.
We'll see. We'll see how the fucking Russian fares.
- Here we go, Ivan. - Come on, Ivan.
Darnell, what the fuck?
Yeah.
- Goddamn. - Unh!
One fucking game, man. One fucking game, okay? Who cares?
Don't let that commie prick rattle you.
I'm getting thrown a bunch of things at once.
April, this fucking kid is here, this Russian person.
It's just too much. It's too much, man.
Hey. Hey. Hey. You look at me.
Look me in the fucking eyes. Stop being a goddamn pussy.
You're fucking famous and shit, and no one, no one can stop us.
Never say die. Okay?
- Whoa! - Hell, yeah. There you go. Stand up.
- Stand up and yell it in my face. - Never say die!
- Say it! - Never say die!
- Never say die. Never fucking die! - Famous and shit.
Never say die.
- Never die. - Goddamn it, that's right.
Now, how's about I cut us a couple more monster rails...
...for us young fucking Moods, huh?
Oh, I fucking like that. I'm gonna change this shitty song...
- ...for something more coke worthy. - Yeah.
- Whoo! - Fuck this shit.
Talking about dope beads, fat lines and tight friends.
We are fucking celebrities, yo.
Whoo!
I don't even know half these bands.
I know, I went crazy on LimeWire in the early days, that's what--
Oh, shit. I fucking love this song. Heh.