Kenny, which type of fruit do you want?
Everyone gets to take one piece of fruit.
Well, what do you want?
Oopsie. We like cereals in the big plastic bags. Remember?
Little Kenny, stop it. Don't call Daddy names.
Kendra, Daddy does not lick dicks.
Kendall, stop it.
I'm not a dick licker!
Maria, can you handle them?
They're getting a little out of control.
Credit please.
(BEEPING)
It ain't going through.
It's an old card. You might have to try a couple times.
Use the stamps.
No. Keep trying.
Maria, take the kids out to the car, please.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(BEEPING)
Still denied?
(CONTINUED BEEPING)
I'm just... Uh...
Hey!
Stop him!
(ALARM BEEPING)
See kids, by putting this pool in, it's gonna increase the property values of our home.
Protect our shit from the fucking subprimes.
Kenny, what is going on?
I'm digging a pool.
Why are the kids out here? Why aren't you ready for work?
'Cause I quit my job.
I'm Django Unchained up in this motherfucker.
Signed my own freedom papers.
What makes you think you can do this?
Drugs.
And said drugs finally lifted a very confusing haze
that had been lingering over me for some time now.
Be honest with yourself.
If this family was really happy,
would I be having dreams about cheating on you almost every single night?
You have dreams of cheating on me?
I try to close my eyes and not take part in it.
But it's... I can't.
Every single night I go to sleep.
Toby's teacher comes in, school bus driver comes in.
Both of them start fucking going down on me.
Next thing I know, lesbian principal's in there.
I'm fucking turning her out too.
I don't want to do that shit, April.
The days of Kenny Powers turning out lesbians are fucking behind him.
Kenny, what is going on?
I can no longer hide from my stardom. Okay?
Fame, fortune, adventure. What dreams may come.
I gave all this shit up for you.
Now it's time for you to return the favor.
I need you to support me in my efforts to step back in the public spotlight.
Can you do that?
Let's go, kids.
You're gonna take my workers?
Is that a walk away in support?
Is it?
Okay.
(RHYTHM AND BLUES MUSIC PLAYING)
What the fuck?
Guy. Woo-hoo-hoo.
- Peek-a-boo. - Kenny.
You got them bath salts, motherfucker?
- What? - I'm fucking playing, dog.
- Hallucinogenics. - Oh.
This burger's delicious. God damn.
Damn it. I told them a turkey club with no bread.
- Kenny, you high? - Huh?
Are you high?
Nope, not anymore. Percocet's just wore off.
You been waiting at the gate all morning?
Nah, just since 9:00.
But your ass fucking drops in at lunch.
Taking a half a day, you fucking slacker.
(LAUGHS)
Shit. Guy, on the serious tip,
really glad me and you had this chance to reconnect.
The other night, all that dancing, all that fucking talking,
super inspiring.
I had to fucking reevaluate my whole deal, dog.
It was a fun night, Kenny. I'm glad you came out.
Really got me thinking.
Perhaps it is high time my shit gets famous again.
Yeah. I even went so far as to fucking quit my bullshit 9-to-5.
Wait a second. I didn't...
I didn't tell you to quit your job, did I?
Hey, look. Don't get weird. It was in the subtext.
You basically did tell me to quit my job, but I don't give a fuck.
This is what I should do.
You've finally fucking woken me up.
I mean, I put my whole entire family's financial well-being on the line.
I'm not going to be able to fucking feed or clothe my children.
That's how serious I'm taking this fame bullshit.
I just need somebody to give me a shot.
You know what, Kenny?
I'm going to give you a shot.
I'm gonna get you a co-host spot on Thursday's show.
What do you think about that?
What the fuck does that mean? What is that?
You can sit down next to the other guys and we can talk about sports on Sports Sesh.
Holy shit.
Me on fucking TV?
Dude, I'll guest host my fucking ass off every single day if that's what it takes.
Well, it's just going to be one show, so...
All right. Well that's fine. I can fucking get famous again.
I can get famous off of that. That's great.
If it happens on one show, then good for you.
Fine. Famous again.
- Yeah. - Let's get on TV.
Great job, TK. I'll see you next week, okay? Bye.
Stevie, what you doing?
I just gave a lesson to TK.
This bill, under pillow. You no pay bill?
Well, I was gonna pay.
We're just a little cash poor right now and I didn't want you to worry.
You are supposed to be a man.
I'm sorry, Maria.
I'm sorry... Ow!
- You're pussy. - STEVIE: I'm not a pussy.
No, you die.
Kenny, Kendall, Kendra, what's shaking?
I'm not your uncle. Please don't call me that.
- I'm not related to you. - What's cracking, brother?
Gross. The one that shares my name is over there picking his fucking boogs.
They all share your name and they all pick their boogs.
Come here.
Oh, my gosh, I miss that smell.
Please don't smell me, Steve. Just hug, okay?
Good to see you, bro...
I will fucking kill you!
TV, Kenny. That's fucking epic.
TV is a big deal.
No shit, dog. This fucking TV shit could kick this goddamn Kenny Powers brand
right where it needs to be, dude.
I'm talking fucking product endorsements, restaurant chains, sex tapes,
a motherfucking fragrance.
A fragrance. That's good.
So what do you think? Ready to leave your shitty life behind and fucking join me?
Kenny, that's appealing, but unfortunately I work for myself now.
You give saxophone lessons, dude. What is that, like fucking 20 bucks an hour?
Come on, dude. I'm giving you a shot to get that fucking mega payday
that you and I never got, man.
Well, that's really nice of you. But look, I have all this. I just can't swing it.
What, this modular home? This place is a shit hole.
What? Are you blind? This is practically brand new.
Yes, I'm not blind, dude. Look at the fucking craftsmanship, dude.
These shitty-ass fucking cabinets. This fucking bullshit bar.
What, laminate tiles? Give me a fucking break.
Kenny, I have responsibilities. I have four kids.
Dude, I have two white kids, dog. Straight up white kids.
And I know they're a lot more fucking expensive
to take care of than fucking four Mexicans, dude.
Four Mexican kids is equal to two white kids.
Fine. Do whatever. Don't fucking join me, man. Go about your own shit.
But just know this, if you're not with me, you're against me, okay?
I just made you into a terrorist, bitch. How about that?
From this moment forward, I fucking hate you, dog.
Fine. If that's how you want it, then we're enemies.
Enemy combatants. The next time I see you, I'll fucking light you up.
- I'll strike you, motherfucker. - Motherfucker, you don't...
- That's my cabinet. - Fuck that cabinet, bitch.
Get out of here.
- Fucking napkins. - No, not the napkins.
I'm not afraid to kill you.
I am your worst night...
You didn't let me finish. Open that door.
I... Don't drop my chandelier!
Don't drop my chandelier!
Wife.
If you weren't married to me and saw this shit on the street,
would you try to fucking pound this ass?
Be honest with me.
'Cause right now I'm starting to kind of feel like Oprah.
Big and black.
So you're really going through with this?
Yes, April. Why do you think I'm all dressed up for?
That's nice. What does it pay?
Well, you know I had to put down 2,400 bucks to join SAG.
Besides that, we gotta kind of look at this as an investment.
So, nothing?
Don't patronize me.
Can't you put your jealous rage aside for at least one moment and be supportive?
I support this whole family. Because I'm the only one with a job.
Ooh, disgusting. Shame on you. I'll put a curse on you.
- I'll put a curse on this whole family. - That's rude.
Just remember this shit when I come home and have a victory celebration,
'cause I kicked ass on the show and I ate a whole goddamn pizza by myself.
Don't share a one single slice with you.
No slices for wife.
(CHATTER)
Hey, Tommy...
WOMAN: Can I just get you to sign this for me?
That's the last time you get me for scale, Ding-dong.
(LAUGHTER)
Guys. You remember these douchebags, right?
- Hell yeah. - Hey, Kenny.
- What's up, man? - Tight times the other evening, boys.
- Yeah. - Yeah, lots of dancing.
And this fuck you didn't meet 'cause he didn't come to my charity event.
This is Dontel Benjamin. He is the wild card of our team.
Word, the wild card. Nice to meet you.
Yo, throw that out.
Took her drawers off, all I saw was stretch marks and dimples.
You talking about the midget? The midget? The midget did that?
All right. This is the moment of truth, Kenny, you ready?
Yes. Yes, I'm ready.
Okay. Let's go, buddy.
WOMAN: Okay. We're live in five, four, three...
Showtime.
ANNOUNCER: Yes, yes, y'all. You know what time it is.
It's time for Sports Sesh.
And here's your host, Guy Young.
(CHEERING)
Kenny. Kenny.
- Shoot it, Kenny. - Shoot it, Kenny!
For three.
Dontel still got it.
Hey, welcome to another session of Sports Sesh.
I'm Guy Young, and these guys are getting old and they're out of shape.
JIMMY: True story.
We have a very special show for you today because we have a very special guest,
Mr. Kenny Powers.
Wonderful to be here. Thank you very much for having me here. Thank you.
GUY: And if you remember, we did a story on this a few years ago,
he walked away from the game of baseball.
But that wasn't the strange thing.
He walked away literally right in the middle of a game.
JED: Crazy. GUY: It's crazy, right?
That's the craziest thing I ever heard. Who does that?
Well, you guys, I did what I had to do.
I gave up fame for true love.
Na-na-na-na. Love?
I wanna see what that stripper look like.
(LAUGHTER)
So she calls you and says, "Hey, boo boo,
"I need you to go ahead and cut out on the game, my back hurt."
(LAUGHTER)
There was no phone call. I faked my death and then showed up at her doorstep.
Oh, hell no!
Here we go.
Did this man just say he became a ghost for a ho?
Y'all, I've heard it all! Take me now, bro!
Well, that's very amusing. It's pretty funny but...
- I actually have a very... - Na-na-na-na. Look.
I just remembered, I got a bone to pick with you, Guy.
GUY: Uh-oh. Here we go.
DONTEL: Now last week, he sat up here and told all of us
that those rumors about Daniel Green
getting that Georgia cheerleader pregnant weren't true.
That's not what I said. I said I wasn't sure.
- See, that's a big difference. - Well, the DNA test was damn sure.
(LAUGHTER)
- Yes, it is. - You got a point.
- You know, the funny thing about DNA tests... - Na-na-na-na. Look.
Now we've all been on the road. You get back to the hotel...
Look, a man's going to be a man. And I'm just gonna leave it at that.
Well, you know, some men...
And that's all Dontel is gonna say about that.
You wanted to say something, Kenny?
- No, that's it. All good. - No, I just...
Okay, Dontel. But, Kenny?
- Not the man is also... - That's it.
- Different men can have... - That's it. That's it.
- But you have a different spin on it? - No, he doesn't.
- A man will be a man. - Yeah, a man gonna be a man.
That's all Dontel got to say about that. That's all Dontel gonna say.
That's Dontel. Said that already.
All right. Guess we're just gonna leave it at that.
All right, well, let's move on to our first hot topic.
Major League Baseball is in a little bit of hot water.
(VOICE FADES OUT)
(MUFFLED) ...like, these guys...
GUY: (NORMAL VOICE) What do you think about that, Kenny?
Hmm?
What's up?
What are your thoughts on that?
Hell yeah. Hell yeah.
That's... Hell yeah. Of course.
So you're saying Latino players should get paid less?
Is that what you're saying, Kenny? You're saying Latino players should get paid less?
- Maybe you should go to the next person... - Na-na-na-na.
You sat up here and told our listening audience
that Latino players should not get paid.
(CROWD BOOS)
Okay. Let's calm down on Kenny.
You can say he got an old-school mindset, right?
I mean, you can tell by the way he's rocking them Run-DMC black Levi jeans.
(LAUGHTER)
Who's house?
Run's house!
(LAUGHS)
- That's really funny. - I like that one.
(TV CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)
Oh, baby.
- Are those tassels, or what is that? - It's western...
- That's what they call that? - Classic western cowboy fringe.
He was. Yes. Kenny Powers was my best friend.
- If what you guys are saying... - Hey, Elvis just called,
he said he wanted his suit back.
(LAUGHTER)
Guy. Guy, Guy.
Hey, yo, dude.
Should we talk to your producer or something?
See about maybe booking me on another appearance?
Kenny...
Seriously, you wanna have this conversation?
Sure, to... Gist of like whether there's an appropriate time to come back?
Kenny, were you at the same show that I was at?
No. You weren't. Because you were staring up at the fucking lights.
You were terrible out there. Dontel just walked all over you.
He took out his big fat dick and he started smacking you in the face with it.
Just smacking you all in the face and fucking smacking your nose.
And fucking poking you in the ears. And what do you do?
"I guess I have to get poked in the goddamn ear by a big fat dick."
Instead of going, "Maybe I should fucking tell him to fucking get that dick outta my ear."
Okay. I think I see. So you just want me to be a little maybe quicker on the uptake,
maybe be a little louder, project more?
I want you to fucking take Dontel down, man!
He's turning the Sesh into a goddamn minstrel show. Dancing around...
A-ha-ha-ha.
Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah. God...
Fucking dancing around like goddamn Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
Well, I didn't know what was going on. I mean, a minstrel show, shit. Well, I'm sorry.
No. You know what? No, I'm sorry, Kenny.
I just... I thought you were something that you're not anymore
and I brought you in because I thought we can level the playing field.
And I was wrong, man. I bet on the wrong horse.
No, you didn't, all right? I'm sorry I let you down, dog.
But I am your horse, dude. I'm the fucking right horse.
You want me to take out Dontel? I'll assassinate that motherfucker.
I will fucking kill him on TV. Trust me.
I got a fire in my belly and I can fucking do this.
- You got a fire in your belly, Kenny? - It's burning so bright.
Give me one more shot.
All right. I'll give you one more shot.
- Don't blow it, Kenny. - I will blow nothing.
Next time, wear a suit.
(CHEERING)
Go Toby!
Kenny, you're missing the game.
No, I'm seeing the game.
Yeah. Yeah, I see you, Toby. I see you blowing it.
Good job. I'm just hiding of embarrassment.
Hey, guys. Hey, you. How was the TV thing?
You seemed so nervous, I had to turn it off.
Ain't nobody nervous. It was fine. Your breath smells like sour cream and onion.
That's 'cause I'm snacking on these chips. You want any?
- No. - No, gross.
So Kenny, is this a real job or something you're just doing for fun?
No. I was invited by Guy Young himself to appear on his television show.
- You were invited? - Yes.
I thought you won a contest or something. I didn't see the beginning.
Ain't nobody win no contest. There's too much estrogen over here.
I'm gonna go hang with the men folk.
Let's go, let's go. Yes, yes, yes.
"Yes, yes, yes." What's happening over here, butt buddies?
- How's it going, Ken? - Hey, Kenny.
- Great job on the Sesh. - Congratulations, man.
- Good job. - When's the Emmy? When's the Emmy party?
You gonna have us over for Emmy drinks?
What the hell's so funny? Why are you guys saying that in a patronizing kind of way?
No. I'm sorry. I thought we were doing a thing.
I thought you realized you... It was a disaster.
- Say what? - You were terrible.
Okay. So terrible that I guess Guy Young invited me back to do it again.
- So I guess I wasn't too terrible. - It was weird.
Oh, gosh, April. You seem so tense.
I mean, is he looking for other work? Is this affecting you and the kids?
- Are you thinking about leaving him? - No.
- No? - No, no, no.
I mean, I'm trying to be supportive. You know, but I have my reservations.
Well, if you guys ever need a place to crash away from him,
you know, our house is too big.
Dixie, it's not gonna come to that.
Well, you never know. It's always a possibility.
But it's not possible with us. So... We're gonna be just fine.
Yes, it will be just great.
You had that "deer in the headlights" look.
Did I? What fucking channel were you watching me on, motherfucker?
Bollywood Classics?
Come on, man. Just joking around. It was kind of a...
You know what? I'm done with this, dude.
I thought I was gonna come over here and have some good camaraderie with you dudes.
Here's one dude who's fucking going for the stars.
Trying to make something with his life. What do I get? I get fucking hater shit, dude.
I get fucking message board fucking pettiness over here.
I won't forget this. You guys were not there to support me in this time.
- Come on now. - Hey, Kenny.
- We're joking around. - Kenny. Come on now.
Kenny. You can't take a joke?
No, I can take a joke. That wasn't funny.
- Kenny, come on. - Come on.
- Hey, Kenny. - Hey, Ken, come on.
I don't think that it's too late to go back to Millennial and apologize to Mark.
I think that he would give you your job back.
Trust me. Millennial's off the table. I can't fucking go back there.
- Don't shout. - I'm not shouting,
I'm just explaining to you that I'm not gonna go back to Millennial, all right?
Once you punch your boss in his face, you don't usually get your job back.
My whole goddamn world's in a free fall.
I got to go back on the show with these quick-witted bullies
and get fucking double peni'ed on live television.
Stevie doesn't even believe anymore.
Now my own wife.
My whole entire mystique has all but fucking faded.
Good night, Kenny.
(MOCKING) "Good night, Kenny."
(SHOUTS)
Are you gonna go back on TV?
I don't know. Your mom's been acting like a real bitch about it.
Maybe I'll just say fuck it all. Just stay back here and practice on my moves.
You still got it.
Toby, go inside. Now.
You motherfucker.
What did I tell you if I saw you again? I said I'd fucking destroy you!
- Don't destroy me. - I'll strike you!
I surrender unto you. I surrender unto you.
Very well. I shall show you mercy.
- Thank you. - Why have you cometh to me?
Well, I saw you on the Sesh.
So you came here to gloat, huh? Kick me while I'm down?
Well, go ahead. Everybody else has.
You got me thinking.
I am a cunt.
Okay, my own kids don't respect me.
My wife no longer sees me as a man,
and I am such a big pussy that my dick can barely get hard.
That's very big of you to admit these things.
You know, Kenny, they say, "To the victor goes the spoils."
Well, we fucking conquered the universe. So where are our spoils?
I say, if this fucked up world doesn't give us what we deserve,
we need to fucking take it.
If we do this, it's gonna take a ton of blood, sugar, sex and magic.
The rewards will be great, but this shit ain't gonna be easy.
Well, guess what, I can feel my little dick getting hard already.
Word.
Well, let's get to work.
You know what, don't feel bad about not being able to get a hard dick from your wife.
I couldn't get hard off of her either.
Well, that's nice of you to say. Thank you.
KENNY: Celebrity. The life of an A-lister comes with a unique set of demands.
And every celebrated person needs a capable assistant.
- Fuck! - Again.
There. You see how he straightened out his slacks?
- Two pats down. - Again. Straighten those slacks.
KENNY: The assistant acts as the hands. The brain sends the hand shit to do...
Again.
KENNY: ...and the hands get it done.
Again.
- It's too hard, man. - It's not too hard.
KENNY: Can a brain function without hands? Yes.
DONTEL ON TV: Black people are better at sports than whites.
- But I just think... - Na-na-na-na-na.
Look.
KENNY: But would it want to? Fuck no.
So when that motherfucker hits you the na-na-na,
you got to come back with a yeah-yeah-yeah.
KENNY: After all, somebody's got to carry the water, fold the clothes,
wash the dishes and wipe the fucking ass.
For these jobs, there is none better suited than the hands.
BOTH: Two pats, down!
Two pats, down!
(CHEERING)
You're ready.
There's just one more thing.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Holy shit! Oh, my God!
I just spent 80 fucking thousand dollars on a car.
What the fuck am I thinking?
Kenny, this Blue Book's for $97,000.
It was a steal. Worst case scenario, we torch the fucker and collect the insurance.
(EXHALE)
Okay. Yeah, of course. Yeah, you're right.
Torch it. Fuck it.
(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
STEVIE: This is it, dog. It's on now.
Kenny Powers. Boy, you looking like a new-school player in that suit.
But that's a bullshit ass haircut.
(LAUGHTER)
I can't do this, dude. I got to get out of here, man.
- This was a bad idea. - What are you talking about?
You got... You're ready. You got these hot new clothes.
No, we got to get out of here.
It's just these lights, dude, they're so fucking hot.
Kenny, no, no, no. Don't do this.
I'm just feeling anxiety, dude. I'm having shortness of breath.
These fucking lights are beaming down on me.
STEVIE: Don't go into the light, Kenny.
- Don't go into the light. - KENNY: The lights have me.
- They're fucking lulling me in. - STEVIE: Stay with me, Kenny.
I smell burnt toast.
APRIL: Kenny.
April.
I came here to wish you good luck.
I didn't think you believed in me.
I never said that. I never worried that you would fail.
I only worried that you would succeed.
And I'm scared.
I'm scared that I can't have my husband Kenny
and the famous Kenny at the same time.
And I don't want to lose you.
I'm not going anywhere.
You can have all the Kennys that there are Kennys of.
I love you.
I'm just following my dream.
I know that now.
And if this is what makes you happy...
Well, then go fuck shit up.
I intend to.
All right, places everyone.
Thanks for coming.
I should also tell you that I bought an $80,000 car.
We'll talk about it after the show.
Okay.
WOMAN: We're live in five, four,
three...
ANNOUNCER: Yes, yes, y'all.
You know what time it is.
It's time for the Sports Sesh.
And now, here's your host, Guy Young.
It's time. It's time.
Come on, baby. Come on.
Look alive. Look alive.
Here we go, baby.
Whoo!
There you go, brother.
There we go.
Dontel! Dontel!
(CROWD JEERS)
That's my nigga, that's my nigga.
Do you like this kind of stuff?
I just don't like this kind of stuff.
- I don't like this kind of stuff. - Kenny Powers.
That was ugly, Dontel.
Wow, that was embarrassing.
Kenny had a block party and invited Dontel.
Welcome back to another session of Sports Sesh.
I'm Guy Young and these guys are just guys.
Now I want to just jump right into hot topics.
Ricky Parks just left Orlando for a big contract with the Knicks.
Cool move or fool move.
- Cool move. - Fool, fool move, man.
- Why's that? - Those fans in Orlando,
they worship that guy. Whatever happened to loyalty?
Well, I got to disagree with you, Dontel.
I don't care what you think. All right?
Now look, when I played, I had a rapport with the local fan base.
It's not always about the money, gentlemen.
Well, if it's not about the money, then why didn't you play for free, dog?
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Say "yeah-yeah-yeah."
He makes a good point there, Dontel.
- You made a lot of money. - A lot.
I mean, let's face facts, guys.
Playing sports is, after all, a business.
The way I see it, this dude saw a chance to get paid and he took it.
Ain't nothing wrong with that.
You know, I played for over 10 teams and do you know why?
'Cause those were the teams that were willing to pay me the most money.
I play to get paid. That's the (BLEEP) American way.
Get that wallet stacked.
Na-na-na-na-na.
Yeah-yeah-yeah, Dontel. Back the (BLEEP) up.
Goddamn fangs, looking like a motherfucking extra from Blade.
Look at this dude, looking like, like dude from Achy Breaky Heart.
We want to talk about hair? Let's talk about hair for a second, shall we?
Let's talk about that bald-ass shiny head of yours?
Looking like black Destro.
Honestly, this motherfucker looks like a Milk Dud.
Doesn't Dontel look like a Milk Dud?
Milk Dud!
DONTEL: Na-na-na-na.
Why I got to be a Milk Dud? Because I'm black?
You don't have to be a Milk Dud.
You could be Tic Tacs the way your goddamn breath's kicking.
Smells like you been chewing on buttholes all afternoon.
(LAUGHTER)
KENNY: Diarrhea buttholes.
- Diarrhea stinky buttholes. - What y'all laughing at?
That's right, Kenny. Fuck him in the ass. Fuck him in the ass.
What y'all laughing at?
Watch out, audience. This motherfucker about to stink you up.
Come on, baby. Come on, baby.
You want to see a nigga, huh?
You want to see a nigga, I will show you a nigga.
I prefer not to see one today.
GUY: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Holy shit! - GUY: Okay. Everybody calm down.
GUY: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Get off me. You know what? - Calm down, man.
You know what, Guy? Man, fuck you.
Fuck these losers.
Fuck those assholes out there.
GUY: All right, we will be right back...
- I'm out of this motherfucker. - Dontel left the building.
Out of here. Out of here.
Get a toothbrush, homes.
GUY: All right, we'll be right back.
And when we get back, we're gonna have some more Kenny f'ing Powers.
Give it up for Kenny.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)