♪ We're not going out,
♪ Not staying in
♪ Just hanging around with my head in a spin
♪ But there is no need to scream and shout
♪ We're not going out
♪ We are not going out. ♪
So I'm not a cartoon character, my name isn't Bill,
and I'm not known for wearing a hat.
I'm all out of questions, here.
We haven't got all year. Well, technically, of course, we have.
Because, well, you know,
it's 40 minutes to midnight on New Year's Eve.
Thanks for the anal observation.
That reminds me, can we play Twister next?
What are you like, Frank? Isn't he awful, Geoffrey?
Yes, he's absolutely appalling.
Come on, Lee. We're supposed to be entertaining our guests.
No, it's fine, Lucy.
I mean, yes, Toby did turn down an invitation to a son et lumiere
at Hampton Court, but I'd much rather spend New Year's Eve
watching Lee guess what's glued to his forehead.
Yes, don't worry on our account, Lucy.
It's been a difficult year,
not being able to spend time with friends and family.
It takes a moment like this to make you realise
lockdown wasn't really all that tedious after all.
Maybe each person gets one clue.
I don't think giving clues is in the rules.
It's just a proposal. No-one has to agree.
I wish I'd thought of that 20 years ago!
Would giving clues matter if it really speeds things up?
I don't know. Would it really matter to the World Chess Championships
if they suddenly suspended the en passant rule?
Sorry.
Don't worry. Me and Lee's mum used to always bicker like this.
Yeah, that's what ended the marriage in the end.
Huge drunken rows about the en passant rule.
OK. One clue it is.
Seeing as I set yours for you, Lee, I'll give you your clue.
You've got eight letters.
Snow White's postman!
No. Frank's turn.
Right, what country am I from?
It's yes or no questions only, I'm afraid. All right.
Yes or no, what country am I from?
Here's your clue. Your name is also Cockney rhyming slang.
Brad Pitt!
You know...
..as in, I'm going for a... No!
Eartha Kitt.
It doesn't rhyme with Pitt. Dickie Bird? Douglas Hurd?
Good God!
Oh, I just got that! Brad Pitt!
Brahms and Liszt.
Your turn, Dad.
Ha! He hasn't got a chance.
Your clue is you're an American pop singer.
Tony Bennett? Um...
Perry Como?
I'll go for Taylor Swift.
What?! Taylor Swift.
Well done, Dad! Well, he must have cheated!
Oh, and how exactly did I do that?
You saw it reflected in that mirror.
Oh, you mean the mirror hanging up above the bowl of sour grapes?
Nobby Stiles!
You know, sour grapes.
I thought I was Nobby Stiles.
Piles!
At Hampton Court, they'll be bringing the canapes around now.
I could be getting lost in the maze.
Alone.
Come on, admit it. You saw it. Don't accuse Dad of cheating, Lee.
He's never even heard of Taylor Swift. Of course I've heard of him!
Taylor Swift's a woman.
Well, it's so hard to tell nowadays.
OK, then, name one Taylor Swift song.
I don't need to be cross-examined by you to prove my integrity!
One of her less successful singles.
Lee, stop it. Of course he's heard of her.
No, he hasn't. That's the whole reason I chose Taylor Swift for him
in the first place.
Well, isn't this jolly? Perhaps New York next year.
We can go wherever you like.
"We"?
So YOU cheated.
That's not cheating.
That's just... embracing the fun
by making life as difficult as possible for you.
Did you steal that line from our marriage vows?
Well done. Dad's the winner.
And, as a prize, you get the final chocolate in the box.
Not for me, thanks.
Or me, either, apparently.
That was my Christmas present from the kids. Exactly. From the kids.
Which means I bought them.
Why did you make me Cruella de Vil?
Perhaps he couldn't spell Goebbels.
You love that film. I was trying to help you.
By suggesting I'd kill puppies and use their skins as a coat?
Is that how you see me?
Of course not.
Yeah, he knows you wouldn't bother killing them first.
Look, you made me Steve Davis, a man who's so boring,
they nicknamed him Interesting. Only because you love snooker.
If I was trying to encapsulate your personality,
I'd have left the paper blank.
Oh, what a bitch!
Seriously, Anna. Why are you such a meanie to Toby? It's not his fault.
Not everyone was born to be sexy and charismatic.
I know she's blind drunk, but she can see I'm here, right?
I am not drunk.
Now, where's my bloody clue?
The game's over, Mum.
Clue, clue, clue!
Just give her one.
Don't!
I wasn't about to make a lewd remark, actually.
You're married to a man with a metal piercing through his genitals.
Yes, but what's my clue?
Good God! Come on, Mum. Just take a guess.
I've got absolutely no idea who I am.
That's becoming increasingly obvious by the minute.
I'm Hank Marvin.
Why didn't you just say that earlier and put us all out of our misery?
Perhaps he was hiding in the Shadows.
Brilliant(!)
Oh, well, next year,
I'll be sipping champagne from the top of the Empire State Building.
And how will you get to the top?
Will you climb up the outside again and try and catch aeroplanes?
What are you doing, Frank?!
I'm just told you, I'm Hank Marvin, starving. Oh...
..I see.
Ha-ha! I had no idea!
That's so funny!
I'm Hank Marvin and I really am Hank Marvin!
I knew we should have made him James Hunt.
No-one touches the trifle until midnight.
Can you please sit back down?
It's a family tradition that we've always had, Frank.
Yeah, Dad, you know, New Year's midnight trifle.
It's one of those great traditions,
like Christmas morning kebabs or Halloween afternoon marmalade.
We all have different Hogmanay traditions, Lee,
whether it's a trifle
or a fight in a pub car park followed by a trip to casualty.
Toby always likes to get his tax returns in
before midnight on the 31st.
I find the Excel spreadsheets an oasis of calm.
It's Mum's special recipe.
I wondered why it was like you, Wendy -
all fruity and tasty looking.
And full of alcohol.
Oh, Frank, you are a naughty little boy.
I want to put you over my knee and spank you.
Why stop there?
Have him adopted.
Tom Jones?!
I asked you half an hour ago if I was a singer and you said no.
Correct.
That's because I didn't give you THAT Tom Jones.
I gave you the fictional Tom Jones,
the eponymous hero of the 18th picaresque novel by Henry Fielding.
Well done, Geoffrey. That's very clever.
Clever?! For cheating? Again!
How was that cheating?
Because no-one's ever heard of THAT Tom Jones!
Just like you've never heard of Taylor Swift. Yes, I have.
No, you haven't, because I meant the... fictional Taylor Swift
from the... anonymous pop-up book by Fenella Fielding.
Bloody cheat! How dare you call me a cheat!
THEY SHOUT ACROSS EACH OTHER
Oh, will you all just shut up?!
Why do we always have to do this every single time?!
Do what? This!
Can't we do something different for once?
I've brought Boggle.
I wasn't referring to the game, Toby!
I mean the constant childish bickering. Look at us.
We're supposed to be family and friends.
We're supposed to find joy in each other's company.
And yet, every single time we get together,
it descends into squabbling.
If we can't all learn to be a bit more civil with each other,
then maybe we need to stop spending time together.
Might be worth a try.
It'd be a shame. I look forward to our little get-togethers.
Why? All you do is deliberately try and irritate me
and make lewd remarks to my wife. Good point.
Why do you like us spending time together, Frank?
Well, because I like deliberately trying to irritate him
and making lewd remarks to his wife.
Well, I've had enough.
This coming year, things are going to change.
In fact, we start as we mean to go on.
There's half an hour left until midnight. That's the deadline.
If we can't enter the year in a spirit of peace and goodwill to all,
then, by Christ, I'm going to...
..chuck that trifle over someone's head!
Well, maybe... Maybe Lucy has a point.
We need to make more of an effort to get along. We're all grown adults.
Don't worry, Dad. We'll get you a stepladder.
Careful, Lee. You're risking a trifle on the head.
Oh, don't be stupid. Lucy's not serious.
She's hardly going to waste her precious home-made trifle by...
OK.
She's serious.
That was a harmless spoonful of whipped cream,
but underneath that, there's custard, then fruit, then jelly,
then two inches of sponge fingers soaked in dry sherry.
Anyone else want to pick a fight?
Good.
Then let's carry on with the evening, shall we?
LOUD CRUNCH
Can I ask a question?
Yes, Mother.
Am I a famous sportswoman?
I think the game's over, Wendy. Oh, I'd say it's only just begun.
So what are we meant to do now? What do you mean?
He's saying that without conflict,
he's incapable of interacting reasonably with other human beings.
No, no, I'm fine with human beings.
It's pompous old knobheads I've got a problem with.
Let's call that a practice run, shall we?
Can I make a suggestion? I'm no expert on relationships,
but I know what our marriage guidance counsellor would say.
"Thanks for helping me pay off me mortgage"?
It's not midnight yet. They were your rules.
We only have to change our behaviour in the New Year.
Well, maybe start acclimatising.
Our counsellor would say stop playing competitive
and adversarial games and do something more constructive instead.
No offence, Toby, but your marriage guidance counsellor?
Isn't that rather like being St John's ambulance man on the Titanic?
So what are you suggesting?
Why don't we all make New Year's resolutions?
What could be more fun?
Childbirth?
And tonight is the perfect night to do it
if you want to make a positive change.
Oh, for God's sake! I thought this was meant to be a party.
Can't we all just relax and have fun?
I brought poppers.
Oh! She really does want to relax!
He means the other kind of poppers.
Amyl nitrate.
It's a sex aid. Relaxes the anal muscles.
I think this is the best night of my life.
Good God!
Oh, let her be, Geoffrey. Scream if you want to go faster.
So, resolutions?
I've never seen the point in them. I'm sure you can think
of one or two bad habits you want to change, Frank.
No, not really.
He's completely serious, isn't he?
The question is, are you all capable
of taking a long, hard look in the mirror?
We know Geoffrey is.
Oh, give it a rest, Lee! Dad didn't cheat.
If I'd have looked in the mirror,
the writing would have been back to front.
Oh, my God! It is! How did he know that?
Well, I think resolutions are a great idea.
And given that I'm the one who's made all the fuss,
I'll step up and go first. Well done, Lucy.
I know I'm not perfect.
No, no, it's true, I'm not.
So... I'm going to make a change.
From now on, no more giving away Lee's chocolates.
What?
Well, I think we're all just in awe of that ruthless self-criticism,
Lucy. I mean, have some compassion for yourself, sweetheart.
You're only human.
Well, you seemed pretty annoyed about it a minute ago.
Yeah, but... What?
Let's just say I don't think it's your worst habit - put it that way!
Go on. This will be interesting.
Well done, Toby.
Perhaps next time suggest something safer,
like Russian Roulette.
Only if I can go first.
OK.
I think your New Year's resolution
should be to stop taking your dad's side against me in arguments.
I don't do that. Yes, you do. Always.
No, she doesn't.
Lucy takes my side of the argument when I'm right.
No, she takes your side every single time.
That's what I just said.
Dad and I disagree about all kinds of things. Give me an example.
Brexit. Oh, good.
Let's put Brexit on the table.
That always helps bring everyone together!
Oh, Nigel Farage, Jeremy Corbyn, Joris Bohnson.
I didn't say you agreed with him about everything.
I said that you take his side when it's him against me.
Lee, you're her husband. So?
Well, there you go.
That would never have happened if she always listened to me!
So, Lucy?
OK.
I've listened to what you've said, Lee,
and maybe I do take Dad's side against you a tiny bit too much.
So, I resolve to try and stop doing that from now on.
Good.
And the one about the chocolates as well.
That's great.
That's all I'm asking. Thank you. You're welcome.
And now let's see what I can come up with for you.
What?
Well, that's how you wanted to do things, right?
We're coming up with resolutions for each other?
Well, that's not exactly what Toby said, was it, Toby?
Well, I think the general rule
is you come up with your own resolution.
But rules can be flexible.
Like... jelly.
So, where to start?
Biting off strips of fingernail and using them as toothpicks?
Breaking wind, both ends?
And my favourite, the constant rearrangement of testicles.
I mean, how complicated can it be? There's a left one and a right one.
They're not a string of fairy lights.
Oh, it's quite hard, this, isn't it, choosing one bad habit?
It's like being asked to choose my least favourite child.
Charlie.
Take a chill pill, it was just a joke!
Yeah, she hates them all!
What is he like?!
Mm, like a Poundland Jimmy Krankie.
That's it. That's what you should change.
What? Making snide remarks about people all the time.
Huh! Says you! You just made loads of criticisms about me.
That's different.
Those remarks come under spousal exception.
If I didn't point out your mistakes, you'd have no friends left
and teeth like a mouth full of Caramac.
I'm referring to the comments you make about others.
It's true, that.
He's always making rude comments about me. And not just about Frank.
Lee's always making funny remarks to hurt people.
I disagree. Thank you.
I mean I don't think they're funny.
You once said I was as pretentious as a quinoa salad with subtitles.
TOBY LAUGHS
Mean!
And you said Geoffrey was a pompous tosser. No, he didn't.
Didn't he?
Oh, well, you've got that in your pocket for next time.
These are just light-hearted quips. You can't hurt people with jokes.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The woman who's sick of your passive aggressive so-called banter,
when we all know the underlying truth
is that you mean most of what you say.
The woman's sick of your passive aggressive so-called banter,
when we all know the underlying truth
is that you mean most of what you say, who?
I don't get that joke.
So that's Lee's resolution. No more barbed remarks disguised as banter.
Are we all agreed?
ALL: Agreed. Oh! This is a stitch-up!
That's not a resolution. It's a bloody gagging order!
Perhaps we should stop this.
It was meant to be a bit of fun, not day 21 of a divorce hearing.
That actually does sound like fun.
No chance! If we are dishing out faults, everyone gets one.
Right.
Who's next?
All right, then. If everybody else is too much of a snowflake
to hear some hard truths, I'll go next.
What's my New Year's resolution going to be?
Come on, I can take it.
No need to hold back.
Not you.
If you're serious about this, Dad,
then Frank's input is just as valuable as anyone else's.
OK, here we go, then.
Geoffrey, every time we're together, you talk down to me.
Are you not going to say,
"It's impossible not to, you bloody gnome"?
I'm listening, not speaking.
It's impossible not to, you bloody gnome!
Carry on, please, Frank.
You were saying that I'm... condescending. No.
I said you talked down to me.
That's what condescending means, you...!
Well, you probably already know that, so therefore... I apologise.
And I might add, Geoffrey, that from time to time,
your conduct strikes me as somewhat...
How can I put it?
..pompous.
Is that so? High-handed, superior,
as if one's excrement emitted no odour.
Well, I'm sorry that you feel so intimidated by my intelligence,
Frank. Short of a surgical lobotomy,
any suggestions as to what I can do to bring myself down to your level?
Got it.
I know what your resolution should be. Go on. Two words.
A four-letter word, followed by a three-letter word.
I knew this was asking for trouble.
"Good God!" What? "Good God!"
It's like your catchphrase when you're acting all superior.
POSH VOICE: "Good God, Frank!
"You don't mix a 30-year-old Scotch with a raspberry Tizer!"
He's right, Geoffrey! You do say that all the time.
"Good dog, this. Good dog, that."
"Good God!" See?
So your resolution is to stop saying, "Good God!"
Are you sure that's all you want to suggest?
You don't want this opportunity to be wasted. What about you, Wendy?
Too late to stop her being wasted.
Anything that gets that rod out of your backside.
Ooh! A bit of gossip there!
Who's Rod?
Well, that should be an easy enough resolution.
Right, I think it's Frank's turn.
Come on, everyone. Don't be shy.
It's a bit difficult, Dad.
I feel like if we take away your bad habits, there wouldn't be much left.
Well, given that Frank picked for Geoffrey,
maybe Geoffrey should pick for Frank.
The problem is there's such an embarrassment of riches.
But without the riches.
Well, Geoffrey, what's it going to be?
This thing's harder than it looks.
I'll bet that's not the first time he's said that, Wendy.
And there we have it.
What?
Your resolution is to stop making
your grubby little suggestive comments,
especially given that the vast majority of them
are directed at Wendy and myself. Like when?
The time when we went ten pin bowling for the twins' birthday.
I recall some lively discussion
about where Wendy and I learned to swing.
Oh, yes.
There was another good one about the weight of Geoffrey's balls.
See? Wendy doesn't mind.
In her current state, Wendy wouldn't mind
if you set fire to her cardigan, but I mind.
Anyone else want to chip in with their opinion of me?
How honest are we being? Not too honest.
It's a bit of fun.
Not an intervention.
Say what you like, sweetheart.
There's nothing you can say that can offend me.
Good God!
Well... Geoffrey's not using it any more.
I find your comments come from a place
where you see women simply as objects of sexual desire.
See? She gets it's just a compliment.
I wasn't defending you. I was attacking you.
OK, be honest.
Are you angry because I tend to say them to Wendy and not to you?
It's only because she's an oldie like me.
I'm quite happy to start aiming them more in your direction.
- Please, somebody stop him talking. - Fine.
You obviously all feel very strongly about this,
so from now on, you will not hear another dirty joke from me.
Boring!
Perhaps you could just slip a little one in every now and then.
That was her, not me.
So no more crass innuendos from Frank
and no more saying "Good God" from Geoffrey.
Agreed? Agreed. Agreed.
Well, we seem to be making progress.
Perhaps that trifle is safe after all.
Or should I say, nobody will be getting their just desserts?
How many more trifle jokes do you have?
Hundreds and thousands.
Please, just throw the trifle at his head right now.
So who's next?
I think maybe it's time to do Wendy.
It's not a rude joke, it's just a running order.
Oh, good! It's my turn!
Have I ever presented Playschool?
Mum, I've told you, we've stopped playing that game.
Oh.
So what's Wendy's resolution going to be?
Yes, come on, you lot, bring it on.
What am I supposed to be cutting back on?
What?
Are you lot going to say it, or am I?
I defer to the expert in the field.
OK, Wendy, no offence, love,
but perhaps you should slow down a bit on those... crisps.
Well, someone had to say it. There's none left for us!
The crisps aren't the issue! They are for me.
I'm still Hank Marvin.
And I wouldn't be, if we didn't have to wait until midnight
for a measly bowl of bloody trifle!
Not much longer, Frank.
Then, who knows, you might just be getting it all!
What is it, if it's not the corn procktail?
The drinking, woman.
Look at you, you're three sheets to the wind. I am not! Course you are.
If I was drunk, could I do this?
Susie, Susie, sitting in a shoe shine shop.
All day long, she sits and shines.
All day long, she shines and sits.
Susie, Susie, sitting in a shoe shine shop!
Oh!
Shit!
Bloody hell!
All right, I've had a couple, but I've not got a drinking problem.
I suppose she's got a point, Dad. I mean, Mum hardly ever drinks.
I know Wendy hardly ever drinks, that's the point.
That's why she can't handle it. Geoffrey's right, love.
You need to start doing it at a more regular basis.
No, she doesn't! She needs to stop altogether.
Ooh, so all he has to do is stop saying "good dog",
whereas I am not allowed occasionally
to dull the pain of existence...
Well, bollocks! Mum! He's got a point, Mum.
I mean, you hardly ever drink
but, when you do, it does get a little messy.
Well, how dare you! Give me one good example.
Our wedding day?
Oh-ho! So now, a mother is not allowed to have an open
and honest chat with her daughter and son-in-law about lovemaking.
Not whilst they're doing it, no.
Fine. You obviously all think I have a problem, so I'll stop.
I've only got ten minutes left, I'm going to live them to the full.
That's my girl! Down in one!
OK, so that's my resolution.
On the stroke of midnight, I will stop drinking forever.
And have a nice big bowl of trifle.
I don't think so, Mum. It's full of sherry.
I promised to stop drinking alcohol, I didn't say I wouldn't eat it.
I could do us a lovely vodka sorbet, Wendy.
Oh, yes! Guess who's getting the first kiss at midnight.
Ooh! Perhaps you'll turn into a prince.
Or a frog.
Or a human.
Right, well, there we are.
We've all been given resolutions and we've all accepted them.
Well done, everybody.
Can I pop the television on
and we can see in the New Year with Big Ben? Good idea.
Er, not so fast, you two.
It's your turn.
Us?
I-I thought this was just a family thing.
Well, we all think of you as family.
Yeah, you're practically the definition of it.
You're round here all the time and you get on everybody's tits.
Well, I think this is what they call the aggressive stage of drunkenness.
I wonder what's next.
Hopefully, unconsciousness. Well, you've all done very well.
Why don't we just leave it there and claim a victory?
I mean, it's nearly midnight. He's got a point.
We're not going to fix Anna before the deadline.
I'm sorry? Fix me?
So I am broken, am I? No, no-one's saying that, Anna.
Stop being so bloody passive, Toby! That's exactly what he just said!
So, come on then, everyone.
What's wrong with me that's so irredeemably awful? Sometimes...
..you leave the lid off the toothpaste,
which is, you know, really annoying.
Grr!
Stop being so pathetic, Toby.
Come on, tell me.
I've got one. No, you haven't.
You're very rude to people.
Is that right? Anyone else want to agree?
No, no-one else wants to agree. It's just the silly drunk lady.
It's true, Anna. You do sometimes come across as rude.
Yes, rude and bossy.
I see.
I find it interesting that men
are never described as bossy, only women.
Yeah, but only the bossy ones.
I've never been so insulted in all my life.
Yeah, you have. You just weren't there to see it.
Go on then, Lee. Give me an example of when I've been rude and bossy.
All right, I will. Last week, when us four went for dinner,
you said me wearing trainers was inappropriate.
Well, what's wrong with that? People have standards.
We were eating at your house.
Well, even if that's rude, which it isn't, how is it bossy?
You made me go home and change them.
Other people have accepted their resolutions, Anna.
Well, I'm not like other people.
I can vouch for that.
I'm not going to change who I am just to come down to your level.
Down to my level?!
I-I was talking to Lee.
Oh, I see. So Lucy's not below your level, but I am!
I suppose by that logic,
does that mean that Lucy married beneath herself?
I wasn't asking you.
I told you we should have gone to Hampton Court.
I got my Hampton caught once - dodgy zip on my jeans.
Well, why the hell should I make any effort with my resolution
if she's bloody not?
And neither is Oliver Reed over here, necking back a penis grigio!
You know damn well it's called pinot grigio.
He really doesn't!
And that pompous get isn't making no effort at all.
No need to get fractious with me, you stupid little man!
You want to get fractures? I'll give you fractures!
Fractious! With an I-O-U.
You know, that thing you use as payment at the working men's club.
What are you doing, Mum?
If we're forgetting these bloody resolutions,
I'm saving some for tomorrow!
Mum, you're ruining the carpet! Not to mention your liver.
Oh, get stuffed, you boring old fart!
Well, isn't it a lovely evening?
Haven't you got a lemon to suck or something?
Right, that's it! Dessert is served and you're all getting some!
Stop!
Lucy...
..put down the weapon...
..and step away from the trifle.
Come on, everyone!
It's nearly midnight. You were all starting to do so well.
Surely, we can do better than this.
We can't though, can we? We've just proved it.
We're incapable of getting along
like the decent human beings we're supposed to be.
Not all of us.
Yeah, don't start accusing my dad of being a normal, decent human being.
See? You can't help yourself, can you?
To be fair, none of you can.
As a doctor, I always say the same thing...
"Next!"
No, Frank, because I'm not a doctor from the Beano.
I always say, "You've got to treat the cause, not the symptoms."
So, recently, I cured a man who'd had an awful rash for years,
and do you know how? Because instead of giving him
the usual creams to alleviate the problem,
I looked at the root causes and now his rash has completely gone.
Toby? Yes, Frank?
Can I show you something?
No!
Maybe you guys need to start doing the same thing.
Instead of simply telling people
that they have to stop doing a thing,
ask why they do it in the first place.
Why does Geoffrey always say "Good God"?
Why does Frank always make inappropriate comments?
Why does Lucy always take her father's side?
Why can't Wendy handle her drink?
And why does Lee always belittle people with jokes?
What about Anna being rude and bossy?
Actually, can YOU say that one?
I mean, the point is,
if you ask yourself why you've got these habits,
you've got a better chance of making resolutions that stick.
OK, let's do it.
Lee first.
Why me? Why not you?
Because your problem is bigger than mine.
You always tell me that size doesn't matter.
Does she?
No...
Lee, why do you always make jokes at the expense of other people?
I don't know.
I've always done it. Ever since I was a kid.
That's true. He was always a cheeky little sod.
How do you know?
You were hardly ever there.
Maybe that explains it.
How do you mean?
Well, didn't exactly have much to rely on, growing up, did I?
So maybe I pretended not to care and made jokes instead.
Trust me,
the class clown's not always the happiest kid in the school.
Unless it's a clown school.
So it's my fault?
Lee's not saying that, Frank, are you, Lee?
Well, I haven't said it yet. Lee!
No, of course I'm not saying it's all your fault, Dad.
I've got to take personal responsibility for my actions.
So, if Lucy wants me to stop making jokey remarks about people
cos she thinks it belittles them, then...
..that's what I'm going to work hard on in the coming year.
Bloody hell! I never thought that would actually work.
So, come on, Dad, your turn.
Lewd remarks to Geoffrey and Wendy.
There once was a woman from China, Who had an enormous... Don't...
..make lewd remarks, explain why you do them.
All right. Let's just cut to the chase, shall we?
Lee's right.
I was a crap dad.
And I still am.
Meanwhile, Wendy and Geoffrey, they've been, well...
..perfect.
We're hardly perfect. Let the man finish, Wendy.
You two brought Lucy up properly, so I've always felt a bit...
Overshadowed? Inadequate? Dishevelled?
It's fair to say that when we all get together,
I often feel second best to Geoffrey and Wendy, as a parent.
And so I sort of hit back the only way I know, I guess -
by making inappropriate comments, which is...
Well, which are pathetic, I know.
Well, it's very big of you to admit your failings, Frank.
Well done. Thank you, Geoffrey. That's nice of you to say.
Now tell us all why you're such a pompous tit.
Come on, Dad. Your turn. Oh, all right.
If I must succumb to the same pound shop Freudianism as the rest of you.
It's probably down to Wendy's father.
He never really accepted me.
He always tried to make me feel inferior. That's true.
He used to say some awful things about poor Geoffrey.
He used to say he wasn't good enough for me.
Yes, he did used to say that.
And that he was surprised I even gave him a second look.
And I suppose in some ways, it made me feel a little insecure.
And if I'm honest...
And that he was too lanky and his backside wasn't in proportion
with the rest of his body. ..it made me feel...
And that he had a face you'd never tire of slapping.
We don't need them all!
The point is, if I do occasionally sound a little...
A little pompous, maybe that's the reason.
A defence mechanism I adopted many years ago
and, as a result, maybe I started
the habit of proclaiming, "Good God!"
And I couldn't shake it off.
Shake It Off. You do know one Taylor Swift song, then.
Well, he was wrong about you, Pookie Bear -
you've got a beautifully pert bottom
and I, for one, never tire of giving it a little cheeky squeeze.
Please let this night end.
Yes, Lucy, I know, I'm drunk.
And I suppose you're all wondering why I struggle to hold my drink.
Don't worry, Mum. We know that one.
It's because you hardly ever do it, you've got nothing to explain.
Oh, I think I have. You really don't have to do this, Wendy. No, no.
You've all been very honest and open
and now it's my turn to bare everything.
Can I just do one more before midnight? No!
Do you remember before you were born, Lucy?
It's a bit cloudy.
Well, my mother was a very heavy drinker.
Really?
Grandma Ginny?
Bit of a clue in the name!
I didn't know that. Of course you didn't.
Why would you tell a child that their grandparent
is a terrible role model?
Exactly. Ours worked it out from day one.
So, when I had children of my own,
I vowed that I wouldn't be like my mother,
which is why I hardly ever drink.
It's because of you, my little princess.
I love you, Lucy.
And I'm so pleased you got your father's lovely little bottom.
So your turn, sweet cheeks.
Why do you always take your dad's side against me?
Oh, I don't know.
It just stops rows, I suppose.
I don't like things kicking off. It makes me feel uncomfortable.
And why is that, Lucy?
Because it's embarrassing.
Especially in front of... outsiders.
I feel like they're judging me. What outsiders?
I'm sorry, are you talking about me? Well, I...
You're my closest friend.
Anna would never judge you, Lucy. Not without a fair trial.
Well... a trial.
I wouldn't judge you at all. What right would I have?
Toby and I argue all the time.
I know, but in lots of ways, you're much more successful than us.
More money, bigger house, better careers... Oh, Lucy!
Who cares about stupid things like who's got the nicer clothes?
I never mentioned clothes.
Well, whatever. Nicer handbag, better make-up. What?!
None of that matters.
Well, it matters to me.
I think that's why I try and put on a good show for you, Anna.
So you don't think of us as...
..rough.
Lucy, I have never thought of you as rough.
What about me and me dad?
You can't make a nest of tables
without different grades of sandpaper.
Go on, then, Anna. It's your turn.
So we're still saying I'm rude and bossy, are we? I am.
And me.
No, I'm Spartacus.
OK.
Yes...
I am aware that occasionally I can be assertive.
And, yes, I appreciate that can sometimes come across
as rude and bossy, but I certainly don't mean to be.
You're not...
Not when I'm mid-flow, Toby.
And I know I always come across
as the dominant one in the relationship,
but that's because Toby never gets angry.
I mean, look at tonight.
We've all been fighting and Toby's been the one to make peace,
every single time, and it's lovely.
It really is. But it means I always have to be the bad guy.
Whenever we have to complain to the neighbours or tell a friend
that we'd like things done in a certain way,
it's always down to me, because...
..well, Toby's just too damn nice to do it.
Yeah, he's like a little puppy dog, aren't you, Toby?
We get it, Anna. We don't mean to sound critical.
It can't be easy for you.
It's not.
Yes, there's a fine line between affable and submissive, eh, Toby?
Yeah, have a drink and man up, you big softie.
Hey, it's nearly midnight, Lee. Get the telly on for the fireworks.
Don't ask Toby to do it, he'll break a fingernail.
Well, it looks like the trifle is safe, Lucy.
Yeah, we did it.
We all learned a lot about ourselves, that's for sure.
Yeah, I blamed my dad for my problems, he blamed Geoffrey,
Geoffrey blamed Wendy, Wendy blamed Lucy, and Lucy blamed Anna.
And yet, all along, it was little old Toby's fault.
Yeah, that should be your resolution, Toby.
Grow yourself a backbone!
Hey, he won't though, the wafty old shuttlecock.
Too busy wetting the bed!
THEY LAUGH
Why don't you all BLEEP off!
BIG BEN CHIMES ON TV
I'm sorry? You heard.
Me growing BLEEP backbone?
You lot sit here with all your BLEEP sob stories.
Oh, boo-hoo! Lee's dad was a meanie to him.
Poor old Frank, he's been living in the shadow of Geoffrey.
Poor old Geoffrey, he's been living in the shadow of Wendy's dad.
And poor old Wendy's mum was a BLEEP pisshead.
And poor old Lucy thinks that my BLEEP nagging, bossy wife
is someone to look up to,
rather than the tiresome BLEEP gobshite she actually is!
Why don't you lot just take responsibility
for your own BLEEP ups and behave like normal human beings,
you bunch of BLEEP?!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
BIG BEN CONTINUES CHIMING
TV: Happy New Year!
FIREWORKS BANG
♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot
♪ And never brought to mind?
♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot... ♪
Good God!
♪ We're not going out
♪ Not staying in
♪ Just hanging around with my head in a spin
♪ But there is no need to scream and shout
♪ We're not going out
♪ We are not going out. ♪