DETHTROLL
>> IDEA FOR SONG--MURDER.
A GUY GETS MURDERED AND EATEN
AT AN ALL-YOU-CAN EAT BUFFET.
>> LAST TIME I WAS IN FINLAND--
>> YEAH.
>> LAST TIME I WAS IN FINLAND, I
MUST HAVE, YOU KNOW, LUCKIED
ABOUT, HMM, 500 GIRLS.
>> OH, AND THAT HAPPENS FOREVER.
YEAH.
>> BALLSPARK ESTIMATE. WHATEVER.
>> NOT LIKE IT'S SO HARD.
YOU'RE IN THE BIGGEST BAND IN
THE WORLD.
>> WOMEN HAVE--
>> HE BRAGS ABOUT EATING
LOLLIPOPS.
HE WORKS IN LOLLIPOPS FACTORY.
>> WOMEN HAVE FELT THE
ATTRACTION TO ME.
YOU GOT TO DEAL WITH IT.
>> OH, I'M DEALING WITH IT,
BELIEVE ME.
I'M HOLDING BACK GALLONS OF
THROW-UP AS WE SPEAK.
>> DON'T DO ME ANY FAVORS.
THROW UP ON YOURSELF.
>> OK. BEFORE WE GO OUT THERE,
HERE ARE YOUR DETHPHONES.
THERE YOU GO.
THERE'S YOURS. HEH HEH.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.
>> DON'T YOU REMEMBER MAKING
THIS DEAL?
>> NOPE. WERE WE DRUNK?
>> YES. YES, YOU WERE.
>> THIS IS HEAVY.
IT HURTS MY FACE.
BOY, I REALLY HATES IT.
>> WELL, IT'S YOUR DESIGN.
YOU MAY HAVE BEEN DRUNK, BUT YOU
MADE A VERY CONVINCING CASE TO
ME, SO--
>> ALL RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WE GET REALLY, REALLY
EXCITED ABOUT REALLY BAD IDEAS
WHEN WE DRINK, AND IT'S YOUR JOB
TO TALK US OUT OF IT, RIGHT?
>> OH, I TRIED.
I TRIED VERY HARD, BUT YOU ALL
THREATENED TO KILL ME, IF YOU
DON'T REMEMBER.
>> SO? BIG DEAL.
THOSE THREATS AREN'T NEW.
>> HMM? NOTED. ANYWAY, LOOK.
YOU'RE ON THE BAND PLAN, AND
WEEKEND MURDER MINUTES START AT
11 P.M.
HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?
>> WAIT A MINUTE.
NIGHTTIME MINUTES START AT
11 P.M.?
OH, THAT'S BRUTAL.
>> WELL, IT'S YOUR IDEA.
>> WELL, THEY SUCK. I APPROVE.
>> ALL RIGHT. IT'S TIME, BOYS.
FINLAND IS EXPECTING OUR APOLOGY
FOR ALMOST DESTROYING THEIR
NATION LAST TOUR.
>> OH, BOY.
♪ DO ANYTHING FOR METAL
DO ANYTHING FOR METAL
DO ANYTHING FOR METAL ♪
>> ♪ DETHKLOK, DETHKLOK
DETHKLOK, DETHKLOK ♪
♪ DETHKLOK! DETHKLOK! ♪
>> ♪ SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF
TALLER THAN A TREE
TOKI WARTOOTH
NOT A BUMBLE BEE
WILLIAM MURDERFACE
MURDERFACE, MURDERFACE
PICKLES THE DRUMMER
DOODILY DOO, DING-DONG
DOODILY DOODILY DOO
NATHAN EXPLOSION ♪
[CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP]
[CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE
--www.ncicap.org--]
FINLAND, WE ARE HERE TO, UH,
APOLOGIZE FOR ALLEGED HAPPENINGS
DURING--
DURING, UH...
READING...HUH.
HEY, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
>> YOU'RE TRYING TO READ A
SPEECH TO PEOPLE.
>> YEAH. WAIT. HOLD ON.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I PASS.
>> WROTE MY OWN SPEECH.
HEY, FI--
[GUITAR RIFF PLAYS]
YEPPO?
OH, WHAT'S HAPPENING?
UH-HUH. WELL, WHAT DID HE SAY?
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
YOU DID NOT.
I KNOW. I KNOW. FRIGGIN'--
>> FRIENDS, WE'RE NOT USED TO
THE WHOLE APOLOGIZING THING.
WE'RE NOT PROFESSIONAL
APOLOGIZERS.
WE'RE MUSICIANS, SO WE WROTE A
SONG FOR YOU, A NEW NATIONAL
ANTHEM.
WE TOOK THE LYRICS STRAIGHT FROM
YOUR FINNISH FOLKLORE BOOK OF
NECRONAMIC SPELLS.
>> NO!
>> YOU MAY RECOGNIZE THIS ONE,
THOUGH IT HASN'T BEEN SUNG FOR A
FEW THOUSAND YEARS.
AWAKEN, AWAKEN, MUSTAKRAKISH THE
LAKE TROLL.
♪ MUSTAKRAKISH
MUSTAKRAKISH
AWAKEN, AWAKEN, AWAKEN, AWAKEN
TAKE THE LAND THAT MUST BE TAKEN
AWAKEN, AWAKEN, AWAKEN, AWAKEN
DEVOUR WORLDS, SMITE FORSAKEN
RISE UP FROM YOUR
1,000-YEAR-OLD SLEEP
BREAK FORTH FROM YOUR GRAVE
ETERNALLY
I COMMAND YOU TO RISE
RISE
RISE AND AWAKEN ♪
>> ...THE ENTIRE SOUTHERN
SECTION LEFT IN SHAMBLES.
FINLAND IS REPORTING...
>> NO WORD FROM DETHKLOK.
>> ...NIGHT VIGIL WAS GIVEN LAST
NIGHT IN SALZBURG.
>> THE SATELLITE FEED HAS...
>> ...BEEN DESTROYED BY WHAT THE
LOCALS ARE CALLING THE TROLL...
>> ...KNOCKING DOWN ALL
TECHNOLOGICAL DEVICES.
>> THIS SMALL PIECE OF
DISTURBING FOOTAGE IS ALL THAT
WE'VE SEEN SINCE THIS BLACKOUT
OCCURRED.
>> GENTLEMEN, IT'S CLEAR THAT
WE'RE IN A UNIVERSALLY
PRECARIOUS SITUATION.
DETHKLOK HAS SUMMONED A TROLL.
>> THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS TROLLS.
>> THEN HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THE
DEAD UNICORNS?
THIS MAY BE THE FIRST YOU'VE
SEEN OF THIS, BUT SINCE DETHKLOK
HAS GAINED MORE POWER, ODD
EVENTS HAVE COME TO OUR
ATTENTION.
LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO DR.
ARMAND SKAGARAKFREDRIKSHOVEN.
>> THIS TROLL IS NO MYTH.
HE IS A BREATHING ENTITY
BANISHED FROM THIS WORLD
HUNDREDS OF YEARS AGO.
IT TOOK A MAGNIFICENT FORCE TO
WAKE HIM.
DETHKLOK IS MORE POWERFUL THAN
WE'D EXPECTED.
>> GOD WILL CRUSH THIS DEMON.
>> I SHOULD HOPE HE WOULD SOON
BECAUSE THE MORE YOUR GOD WAITS,
THE SOONER HE WILL FIND HIMSELF
JOINED BY MORE ENTITIES WHOSE
POWER WILL DWARF HIS.
>> YOU DARE TO CHALLENGE GOD?
>> YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE TRUE
DANGER THAT WE'RE IN.
YOU WOULD DO WELL TO REMAIN
SILENT.
>> YOU DARE SHOW--
>> GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN, PLEASE.
WE'VE CONTAINED ALL FOOTAGE OF
THIS TROLL.
THE REST OF THE WORLD WILL NOT
KNOW ABOUT IT.
WE NEED FINLAND SAFE.
WE NEED THEIR WOOD, THEIR SALT,
AND THEIR CELL PHONES.
>> THEN WE SHOULD SEND IN OUR
MILITARY AND ATTACK.
>> IT WOULD ONLY UPSET THE
BEAST.
>> WE MUST LOOK TO DETHKLOK.
BE PATIENT.
>> [ROARING]
[SIRENS]
>> OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE HE SAID
THAT.
SERIOUSLY?
>> WELL, IT'S OFFICIAL.
FINLAND IS BEING DESTROYED BY A
TROLL THAT YOU SUMMONED.
>> WELL, I'M NOT SORRY.
>> HUH. I CAN'T BELIEVE WE
SUMMONED A TROLL.
WHY DIDN'T WE THINK OF THIS
EARLIER?
>> OH, HIGH SCHOOL WOULD'VE BEEN
AWESOME WITH A BIG PAL LIKE HIM.
HE COULD'VE CARRIED ME TO
SCHOOL.
>> I KNOW.
>> DUDE, I'M TURNING ON MY
DETHPHONE, AND I'M HEARING
MURDERFACE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
DID WE JUST GET ONE PHONE LINE
AND 5 PHONES?
>> THAT'S BRUTAL.
>> SO, WAIT.
WE CAN'T EVEN MAKE ANY OUT
CALLS?
DUDE, MURDERFACE, GET OFF THE
PHONE.
>> OK. GOOD-BYE.
>> PLEASE GET OFF THE PHONE.
>> HOLD ON.
I JUST GOT TO CHECK MY MESSAGES.
>> YOU HAVE 67 NEW TELEPHONE
ANSWERING MACHINE DISTANCE PHONE
WIRELESS FIDELITY DETHPHONE
MESSAGES.
TO HEAR THE MESSAGES, PRESS 1 ON
THE KEYPAD LOCATED ON THE FRONT
OF THE PHONE.
PREPARING TO PLAY ANSWERING
MACHINE MESSAGE NUMBER ONE.
AFTER THIS MESSAGE, WELL, IF
YOU'D LIKE TO SAVE OR DELETE OR
REPLAY THIS MESSAGE, PLEASE
LISTEN TO THE DIRECTIONS THAT
WILL FOLLOW THE MESSAGE...
>> OH, MAN, THIS THING IS JUST
DESIGNED TO EAT UP MINUTES.
IT'S BRUTAL.
>> ...PLAYS ONE MESSAGE NOW.
[DIAL TONE]
>> GOD...
[GUITAR FEEDBACK]
>> SO, YOU THINK IT MIGHT BE A
GOOD BUSINESS MOVE TO PUT THAT
TROLL BACK TO SLEEP?
>> PBBBB. I DON'T--
I JUST DON'T SEE THAT HAPPENING,
YOU KNOW?
CRAPPY TROLL KNOCKED OUT THE
DSL.
NOW IT TAKES TWO MINUTES TO GET
TO T--
>> OK. I DID NOT WANT TO SAY
ANYTHING, BUT THIS IS AFFECTING
YOUR RECORD SALES.
THERE. I SAID IT.
>> DUDE, NICE ONE.
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO,
DEPRESS US?
WELL, IT'S WORKING.
HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.
NOW I NEED A DRINK, A DIFFERENT
ONE, NOT THIS ONE, IN A
DIFFERENT PLACE.
>> YEAH.
>> ME, TOO.
>> YEAH. OUT OF HERE.
>> YEAH, A DRINK.
>> [ROARING]
[SIRENS]
>> LOOKS LIKE THAT TROLL KILLED
THE POWER EVERYWHERE.
>> WELL, THERE'S ONLY TWO THINGS
TO DO IN A BLACKOUT--GET DRUNK.
ONE THING TO DO.
>> OH, I HATE FINLAND.
I NEED 100 BEERS.
I NEED 100 BEERS EXACTLY.
EXACTLY 100. THANK YOU.
>> WE DON'T SERVE PEOPLE WHO
AWAKEN LAKE TROLLS.
>> YOU MUST PLAY A SONG TO PUT
THE TROLL BACK TO SLEEP.
>> HEY, DOUCHE BAG, HOW THE HELL
WE GONNA PLAY WITH NO
ELECTRICALS, HUH?
THINK ABOUT IT.
>> COME WITH ME.
>> WHAT ARE THOSE WOOD THINGS,
CHAIRS?
>> THEY ARE ACOUSTIC
INSTRUMENTS.
>> WHAT IS ACOUSTIC?
>> OH, YOU MEAN A GRANDPA'S
GUITARS?
>> GRANDPA'S GUITARS.
THAT'S FOR PUSSIES AND GRANDPAS.
I THINK YOU KNOW IT.
>> IT'S YOUR ONLY CHOICE, I'M
AFRAID.
>> WHOA. THIS IS A TOUGH ONE,
GUYS.
>> PICKLES IS RIGHT.
WE HAVE A TOUGH CHOICE.
PLAYING ACOUSTIC IS TOTALLY LAME
AND NOT METAL, BUT THEN AGAIN,
IF WE DON'T PUT THAT TROLL BACK
TO SLEEP, WE MAY NEVER BE ABLE
TO CHECK OUR E-MAIL WITH
HIGH-SPEED DSL AGAIN.
[ALL PLAYING]
>> WAIT. TOKI, WHY'D YOU STOP
PLAYING?
>> I...HAVE A CONFESSIONS TO
MAKES.
I CAN'T READ MUSIC.
>> DUDE, TOKI CAN'T READ MUSIC.
HA! IT'S A LAUGH.
>> CAN YOU?
>> NO. I HAS MUSIC DYSLESKIA.
YOU KNOW THAT.
I DON'T WISH TO TALK ABOUT IT.
>> WAIT. THEN HOW ARE YOU
PLAYING THAT SONG?
>> HONESTLY, I WAS JUST HITTING
ANY NOTE.
>> YEAH. ME, TOO.
THAT'S AN OLD MUSIC SCHOOL
TRICK.
>> SOUNDED PRETTY GOOD.
>> YEAH. I KNOW.
IT SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD.
I THINK WE GOT LUCKY.
>> DUDE, CHECK IT OUT.
THERE'S GUITAR TABLATURE IN THE
BACK OF IT.
>> SO, WHAT, WE JUST PLAY THE
SONG AND GO HOME?
>> NO. IT SAYS WE GOT TO GO OUT
TO THE LAKE WHERE HE WOKE FROM.
>> NOT YOU. YOU.
SO, WE JUST PLAY THE SONG AND GO
HOME?
>> UH! UGH!
THIS IS WHERE HE WAS BIRTHED.
>> [ROARING]
>> THERE HE IS!
>> YEP. THAT'S DEFINITELY A
TROLL.
>> PLAY, DAMN IT! PLAY!
>> ♪ ARE YOU GETTING SLEEPY
TRANQUILIZED BY THE TUNE? ♪
>> ♪ LITTLE TROLLS
MUST GO TO SLEEP
AND DREAM OF KITTENS, PLEASE ♪
>> ♪ NOW IT'S TIME
TO GO TO SLEEP
COUNT YOUR LITTLE BABY SHEEP ♪
>> DUDE, IT'S WORKING.
[GUITAR RIFF PLAYING]
>> ♪ OH, YOUR EYES ARE HEAVY
'CAUSE IT'S NIGHT-- ♪
[GUITAR RIFF PLAYING]
>> [ROARING]
>> THE GRANDPA'S GUITARS ARE
SMASHED.
>> DUDES, HERE COMES THAT GUY.
>> WAIT. THE PHONES.
USE THE DETHPHONES.
THROW THEM AT THAT GUY.
>> [ROARING]
>> IDEA FOR OUR LAST SONG EVER--
KILLED BY A TROLL.
>> YOU DID NOT.
WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
I CAN'T--
I JUST LOST A CALL.
I'LL KILL THIS PIECE OF CRAP!
>> [ROARING]
>> METAL.
♪ MUSTAKRAKISH
MUSTAKRAKISH
AWAKEN, AWAKEN, AWAKEN, AWAKEN
TAKE THE LAND THAT MUST BE TAKEN
AWAKEN, AWAKEN, AWAKEN, AWAKEN
DEVOUR WORLDS, SMITE FORSAKEN
RISE UP FROM YOUR
1,000-YEAR-OLD SLEEP
BREAK FORTH FROM YOUR GRAVE
ETERNALLY ♪
>> CHIRP.
[CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP]