COLIN: I knew what I didn't want.
An ordinary life.
You know what the problem is.
You are a white, straight, cis man.
You need to shatter the model of success.
Well guess what,
that shit's impossible without a shitload of collateral damage.
If you don't become grit,
the rest of the world pays the price
when you don't feel adequate,
because you don't have a motherfucking clue
about what you're feeling, or why you are feeling it.
(footsteps approaching)
Thanks.
This morning, I emailed Karla.
I submitted the paperwork to the court.
I signed off.
Free to go if you want.
-Gettin' rid of me? -No.
I felt that the question of whether or not
I was going to sign the forms
was getting in the way of our progress.
There was a transactional aspect to it.
You're under no obligation to stay,
but I would like to keep working with you.
If you're up for it, I would take you on as a patient.
I think it could be beneficial.
I'd like that.
(light piano music playing)
♪ ♪
Our last meeting, you coming over here--
-I'm sorry about that. -That was a breach of boundaries
-that cannot happen again. -I understand.
And I apologize for my...
It was unprofessional the way I spoke to you.
I was loose, outspoken,
-the way I might be with a friend. -Can I just...
I'm sorry to interrupt you, but...
I loved it.
I got to see you, the real you,
and I had this massive awakening, and...
Wait a minute, is that why you signed off?
Fear of some, like, that I was gonna tell on you?
I signed off because I thought it was the best thing for you.
I just need to clarify that what happened last week
can never happen again.
Copy that.
You feeling better? You were carrying a lot there.
With full respect and acknowledgment of the...
"not-happening-again-ness"
of our impromptu non-session,
I'm just so grateful that we had it.
This week has been incredible.
-How so? -I needed to hear those things.
I would never have been able to articulate
or-or to even know what it was that I needed,
but that was it.
I felt seen and-and understood.
It's been a long time since I felt either.
Well, I'm happy to hear that.
Is there some qualification coming?
The place we've gotten to,
and I am happy that we have.
It's no small feat, but it's not the destination.
It's the starting line.
We begin now to do the hard work.
-I'm ready. -Okay.
Well,
I rather inarticulately
-ran off at the mouth about white guys. -Oh yes, right.
The unbearable burden of whiteness.
-(Brooke chuckles) -I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
The unexamined ways you've been
molded by the world we live in. Anyway...
I meant that globally. You know,
people I've encountered. We were having a conversation.
I wasn't speaking about you specifically.
-Sure. -Though I think that there are things
that do apply and are causal in behaviors you've exhibited.
-Hundred percent. -When I say
the hard work begins,
the hard part is
disentangling yourself, extricating yourself
from this oppressive mindset.
"Oppressive"? Seems a tad harsh.
Two things you can't say to white guys,
privilege or oppression.
Well, as long as you're not using them to describe
anything I've experienced or inflicted,
you can use them all you want.
Right, because when we talk about bias of any kind,
racism, misogyny,
it's always something happening over there, not inside us.
-For sure. -But reckoning is important.
It seems like now reckoning is sort of,
you know, no one was doing it.
So now it's being forced on people.
Not forced, that sounds wrong.
But the world was like, "Okay, fine. We'll do it for you."
Here's this shitty thing you did, looky-looky.
Hm. And you know, as a result, I've been thinking...
digging, uncovering all the nasty little things I've done.
The jokes I've made in poor taste.
And, oh man, I'll admit it.
I've made some horrible jokes.
Some racist, homophobic,
sexist jokes. It was always...
You know, never with the intent to harm.
Always the thing you're laughing at is, "Oh, can you imagine
if I believed or would say such a heinous thing?"
That's what you were laughing at, not at the...
whoever it was about.
But then, you wonder who heard those.
You know, did someone force themselves to laugh at it
when they were secretly harmed by it?
I mean, I don't know, maybe it was nobody.
Please, God, let it be nobody.
But maybe,
-someone was. -You know, I guess I was wondering
less about jokes.
That you can never say an offensive joke again,
that's pretty easy.
Yes, right. (clears throat)
Um, you mean, like, with the crimes?
'Cause that feels a little different.
I don't know, prison...
You know, that sort of is the reckoning, huh, you know?
And-and as far as the people on the other end of it?
Well, they-they placed a bet.
You know, I bet all of my money once upon a time,
and it did work out.
-It's exactly how I broke through-- -Colin.
No, no, this is, this is an interesting story, actually.
You'll like this.
When I moved back to Santa Cruz after high school,
I was friends with all these programmers,
and they were always making
these weird, idiosyncratic games.
You know, pushing to see what these computers could do.
And I grew up in a fucking arcade,
so I was crazy about that stuff.
So, I would get high, I'd play whatever they cooked up,
and then they started to make a little money.
You know, the whole world started to catch on.
And then, they showed me the next thing they were working on,
and I went all-in.
I bet every penny. My parents thought I was nuts,
everyone did. You see,
there were no guarantees.
I bet big, and I won big.
And that's how it goes.
(sniffs)
So yeah. (clears throat) Anyway, you know,
you place these bets, sometimes they don't come through.
You know what? I'm gonna back up.
In my life,
with some people, there's been
a disconnect or difficulty because
I've rejected the myths that are
foundational to who they are,
and I want to get to some of those myths with you,
and see you through to the other side of them.
For-for instance?
The pervasive inequality in our society,
sold to men as masculinity,
-that's frankly bullshit? -Huh.
And deeply harmful and is all about acquisition and dominance.
Amen!
Acquisition and dominance?
Hundred percent. Yeah, I mean,
it definitely affects the way that we think about sex.
I mean, for guys, especially in adolescence,
which for us lasts until we're about 35?
Oh, it's all about getting laid.
And it shouldn't mean anything to you. You know, it's just...
Forgive me, it's just about getting your dick wet.
And if you don't, you're a pussy or you're gay or whatever.
And then we have this whole college rape problem,
and we wonder why.
Incel freaks shooting up movie theaters 'cause we've been taught,
oh, not only that you have to get chicks,
but, "Man, you're entitled."
(exhales)
I mean, 90% of shitty rock songs,
all about how easy it is to get laid. Every teen movie.
And so, when the--
when the real world doesn't line up
with that fantasy? Oh.
Fuckin' watch out. Hide your AR-15s.
All horrifying and true, but bringing it back to you.
Colin: Well, yeah.
Yeah, I mean, even I,
raised by a tits-out feminist. Huh.
I think back about things that could be
chalked up to that. The societal influence.
-Like? -I mean, just like in college.
And you have to remember, this was the '80s.
A different time. Did we fuck drunk girls? Yeah.
I mean, everyone was drunk almost all the time.
Is it possible that some of them weren't fully there?
It's possible, but it's just what you did back then.
-It's terrib-- -Wh-- Slow down, Colin.
What you are describing is rape.
Sure, yeah,
by today's terms, absolutely.
But see, that's what's so sticky about these things in the past,
-these gray areas-- -There's nothing gray
-about having sex with an unconscious person. -No, no, of course.
I just mean the times, the pervasive attitudes,
they-they shape you. It's just like what you were saying.
We are a product of the world we live in, but not everyone
-who grew up in the '80s raped someone. -Yeah, right,
neither did I. But, you know,
someone could twist these things, and, you know,
you do that enough, we are all guilty of something.
That sounds like absolution.
If we're all guilty, no one is.
Colin: Well, yeah, which is true.
And at the same time, it obviously isn't.
See, that's why I love talking to you.
You can see the nuance in these things.
No one sees nuance anymore.
I mean, I-I can say things in here
that would get me crucified in the real world.
To be clear, this is the real world. I am a real person.
Yeah, you know what I mean. Out there.
The younger generation,
they're so focused on wagging their fingers,
they lose sight of the fact that
we're all human, we all make mistakes.
You know, I-I think you're missing my point,
-or misinterpreting what I'm saying because-- -No, no, no.
Honestly, I'm not.
I-I'm proof of how effective your words are.
This week has been incredible. I-I...
I've been happy for the first time in...
(sighs) I literally can't remember the last time,
and that's all because of you.
I-I took responsibility for what I did,
and I realized, with your help, that it wasn't my fault,
and I forgave myself. Do you know
how powerful that is?
How powerful you are?
I mean, I took just one step of forgiving myself,
and the whole world, which had been
shut off, you know,
remorselessly fucking cold to me,
it opened back up.
This week, I reached out to this old colleague,
guy who's still killin' it.
House on Carbon Beach, the whole bit.
And I told him what had happened,
what I did, and he fucking got it.
It was a mistake, but these things are on a spectrum.
This is why it's so frustrating
that our justice system is, uh, binary.
Guilty, not guilty. Again, there's no nuance.
See, what I did was just a-a-a hair past what we all do.
I overreached. You have to
if you want to try and change things.
You set a crazy goal for yourself, sometimes you hit it,
and sometimes you don't.
That's the business that we're in.
And, you know, it's probably why I love it so much.
I've always, always thought big.
And, you know,
that goes back to what you were saying last week.
About why white people are so driven to succeed.
-I didn't say that. -Well, I didn't mean we were more so,
but, like you were saying, we're all so focused on achievement
-and status and-- -Before we move on,
I need you to understand that in no way
was I ever suggesting that
the horrific inequality that exists in this country
is a result of white people being more driven.
Colin: No, of course.
But, is our skewed perception of what success looks like
responsible for some of that disparity?
-I don't know. -No.
Your poisoned perspective,
distorted by centuries of dominance, your insistence on
centering yourselves and your comfort makes you
capable of subjugating others for your own personal gain
-without even thinking twice about it. -Hundred percent.
Stop saying hundred percent! You-- I don't think you understand me one percent.
I think you're missing what I'm saying entirely!
(scoffs)
I am interested in you
taking stock of your distorted perspective.
The ways you've hurt people and why.
The people whose lives aren't as bulletproof
as your own. Your friends, Hannah.
You see, I've been steeped in that for four years.
I'm finally getting free of it, letting go of the negativity
and the self-criticism. I am finally getting somewhere.
Alright, look. (sighs)
I was gonna save this till later, but...
those tech kids that I had drinks with?
They have their own startup,
and they've asked me to come on board.
To be literally on the board of their company.
Sort of an overseer, a big picture guy.
(slight chuckle) I'm back in.
They offered you an executive position.
(laughing)
Well, look.
I got plucked seemingly at random
and dropped in your office.
Not what you were expecting or looking for,
I get that. I'm not stupid.
But we figured it out.
We found our way to each other
on an emotional level, on an intellectual level.
You get me to own up to my mistakes.
You get me thinking about how I can help.
I sign on for this talk,
warn young entrepreneurs about, you know, what can happen, huh.
To-to use my story as a cautionary tale,
so they don't make the same mistakes I did.
I give the talk, it goes great.
The company loves me, they hire me...
and guess what one thing
they're missing from their wellness app?
A mental health expert.
Hello.
I mean, it's crazy, huh?
-I told them about you. They're super interested. -What?
-Interested? -You could be one of the pillars of this thing.
It could be big for you. I'm talking about serious money,
not to mention exposure.
This is a very high-profile deal they're building.
And think of it. You could get out of Baldwin Hills.
I like Baldwin Hills. I like my life.
Brooke, I like Baldwin Hills, too,
but come on.
You're not the only one who's been making observations in here.
-What are you talking about? -You're not happy. I mean...
Adam? Really?
That's not you, you know that.
My personal life is none of your business.
Okay, okay, fine.
Tell me I'm wrong.
You know, I've been to a meeting or two in my day,
and I hear The Big Book in a lot of what you say in here.
And I'm not-- I'm not judging, just like you don't.
We're all fucked up.
That doesn't mean your life has to be small.
You have to think big and dream big.
You have to will it into existence. That's what I did.
I was fucking drowning. You know,
I was this close to going under.
What are the odds of us finding each other?
Of me finding the one person who had exactly
what I needed to get me out of this-this pit
that felt bottomless, to get me where I needed to go.
And that you would find me?
This person whose outlook is your missing piece?
I mean, come on. It's...
cosmic, Brooke.
Stars aligning-type shit.
-Can I kiss you? -What?
-Just come here. No, Brooke-- -Stop. No, let go of my hand.
I don't want that.
Don't we both want that?
-I've been half-hard the entire time I've been in here. -Jesus.
What, are you really gonna deny yourself this?
I mean, we're both adults. We both want to.
What the fuck is stopping us?
Don't tell me what I want or don't want.
So you're really gonna play this game?
Keep up this nonsense.
Why else did you sign off on my shit if not for this?
-This isn't why. -Oh, so you're telling me that
if your grocery boy hadn't shown up the other night,
-we wouldn't have fucked each other's brains out? -I am telling you
that under no circumstances would I ever sleep with you.
To use your phrase, it's one hundred percent off the table.
You need to let this screen down, Brooke.
-You can lie to me all you want. Don't lie to yourself. -(scoffs)
(sighs)
I am going to talk for a little while,
and you are going to listen.
-Brooke-- -I am going to talk for a little while,
and you are going to listen!
I am going to be direct and clear,
and some of what I say may be painful to hear,
if you can hear it at all,
and it is important for you to keep in mind
that I know what I'm talking about. I am the professional,
and I have seen many, many people
who are psychologically identical to you.
It is not new, and it is not mysterious to me
in any way. It is not novel,
but it is very serious.
(sighs)
-Okay. -First--
First,
what you are experiencing, this affection for me,
it's called erotic transference.
Oh, come on. I know what transference is.
This isn't that. This is...
an electrical field encompassing both of us,
screaming that it's time to tear each other's clothes off.
I need you to listen.
It's common.
The result of the unusual dynamic
of the therapist-patient relationship.
It's very intimate, and, in your case,
you have felt isolated, cast out.
I have accepted and supported you.
Bullshit. We've been pulling each other's hair
like a couple of third graders.
I understand that this feels very real for you.
I understand your resistance to a lot of the things
that I've been telling you in here.
It requires a forfeiture of power,
of status, and of comfort.
It's the reason why so few people do the work.
-What, what work? -Owning up to the ways
they are directly and indirectly responsible for suffering.
I have suffered because of you.
You have lied to me. You have manipulated me.
You have trivialized my work.
You have turned what was intended to be a way
of giving back to the community into a game.
I have felt insulted by you.
This is starting to feel like your therapy session.
This is a common therapeutic practice
when confronting a patient with a distorted reality.
Oh, right. Yeah, the "shitting all over a guy" technique.
My ex used that one.
I'm not gonna twist myself into knots
to make this painless for you.
I need you to hear the truth.
Oh, so you're omnipotent. Wonderful, congratulations.
I also know you enough to know how you lash out
when you feel vulnerable
-and exposed. -Oh, so you won't mind me telling you
that your head's buried up your own ass then?
You want some hard truth, Brooke?
You want some unvarnished straight talk?
You-you are so concerned with what it would say about you
if you liked me that you can't even see that you do.
You don't wanna acknowledge who's sitting across from you right now.
This man who, in spite of every bias and preconception,
you have grown fond of.
You won't acknowledge that because, eh...
you're not interested in rehabilitation.
-Yes, I am. -No, that's saved for whatever
brown-skinned hard case you thought you were getting
when you signed up for pro bono work.
You wanted to save someone. Some fuckin'
"Lean On Me" fantasy horseshit.
This guy? No. This guy doesn't get
rehabilitation. He gets retribution.
Not for what he did or who he is,
but for what every other white guy has ever done.
I'm the vessel for a different fantasy.
Unfucking the world by grinding a white guy into dust,
turning him into a quivering puddle of self-hate.
You're vindictive, Brooke.
-Own that! -You are wrong, Colin.
See, people used to be able to make mistakes,
-and then grow! -(Brooke scoffs)
They would change. They would be shaped by their experiences
and evolve. Well, not anymore.
Now, we keep a record. Receipts.
You know, and if you weren't perfect always,
you are forever irredeemable.
It's like looking at a person walking down the street
and saying, "Oh, but you should've seen them
"when they were 1. They could barely stand,
and they shit their pants all the time."
I mean, we-we-we get better!
We try and fail and improve but
that process is now not evidence of growth.
It is the corrupt seed from which you have emerged.
You were rotten, and so you shall remain.
It's biblical, it's puritanical nonsense,
and it's fuckin' exhausting.
That is a thorough, compelling, and I'm sure soothing way
to justify your own wrongdoings.
-You-you lured me in. -Hm!
You said, "This is a safe space, be honest, show me who you are."
And then I did, and you said, "Shame on you."
-No, that's not true. -What, you think you're perfect?
You think you don't have things to atone for?
-This isn't about me. -Those are nice earrings, Brooke.
How much did they cost?
Couple of hundred bucks? Do you know
how many starving children $200 could feed?
But you like the way they look, right? They make you feel...
something. Pretty, stylish, whatever.
You believe you're virtuous 'cause you're Black and a woman,
two things you were at birth that somehow,
somehow absolve you from judgment.
I can't help you. I need you to leave.
Do you know the environmental cost of the way you live?
No, that doesn't really rise to the level of importance to you
because the millions upon millions of people
whose lives will be destroyed first
live halfway across the world in countries
you've never been to and never would go to, so fuck them.
And I'm interested in subjugation.
Fuck you. We all are.
It's the backbone of our entire existence.
People love talking about the sins of the past
to distract them from the sins of right fucking now.
And we're all complicit. We are every one of us guilty,
but you can't hold that much suffering in your head.
You can't live with that,
so we all drink our green smoothies out of plastic cups
that will outlast the human species,
choke our oceans, cut off the food supply,
and cause mass starvation and death.
(scoffs) You want me to account for how I've hurt people?
It's incalculable.
I lied to my wife, I lied to my investors,
and so now they don't have as much money as they used to.
Boo-hoo. I trivialized your work,
something that only affects your head.
The damage is limited to what lies between your ears.
You want me to feel guilty for that?
Oh god, give me a fucking break!
I have much bigger shit to account for. We all do.
But no, no. Let's talk about me
-because we're much more comfortable when we do that. -I apologize, Colin.
I thought I could help you.
No, I am not looking for an apology.
Well, that's all I have to offer. Now, I need you to leave.
No, no, no. No. I-I'm paying for this time.
I won't charge you.
I'm partially responsible. I allowed the boundaries
to be blurred, but what's done is done.
I am happy to recommend a therapist to you
if you want to continue seeing someone.
I mistook you for someone bigger than this,
-but you're just like all the rest. -It's not my responsibility
to fix your warped perspective of the world.
To undo the damage done to your soul
from a lifetime of privilege. That is your job now.
-Do it, don't do it. It's up to you. -Nice.
"When the going gets tough, wash your hands
of the whole situation." That's how the saying goes.
You are unwilling to do the work required!
I'm unwilling? You're the one that-that-that's kicking me out.
I'm here. I'm ready. I'm baring my soul, and you're like,
"Oh no, that's a little too messy. No, thank you."
-You haven't given me anything. -What the fuck more do you want?
Oh, you want my trauma?
You want me to talk about my family?
That we all slept in the same room,
the barn loft above their hippie hangout?
Free Love Movement's well and good
until your parents' friends show up and the wine starts flowing.
You ever seen your mom get double-teamed
by a pair of Charlie Manson lookalikes?
You ever seen your dad at the bottom of a pile of dicks?
Is that what you're looking for?
-Because there's more where that came from. -I'm looking for you
to examine yourself.
Not me, not your parents, not your exes,
-not the criminal justice system. You. -Okay. Alright, I...
I'm god-awful!
I'm an entitled fuck.
I-I love pussy. I can't stand women.
How's that for a catch-22?
I'm not simply asking you to list the ugliest thing
that comes to your mind. I'm asking for an honest accounting
of why you are the way you are.
Why, why am I this way?
My parents thought I was a fool,
and they said as much over and over and over.
And everything I did, everything
-was to prove them wrong. -Self-pity isn't gonna get you anywhere.
Don't leave me.
You only feel attached to me
because I am an obstacle you have failed to overcome.
I'm not a person to you.
I'm a level on a video game.
I'm an opportunity for you to hone your skills.
You want me because you can't have me.
I'm growing. I don't know why you can't see that, but I am.
I'm changing. You are changing me. I suck, I know it!
You are guessing at what I want to hear.
-What do you want to hear? -The truth!
-W-w-w-what is the truth? -Only you can know, Colin.
-I-I hate myself. That's the truth. -No, it isn't.
-No, I'm cruel! I know that. No, I... -Goodbye, Colin.
I think people are stupid!
I think people are stupid. I hate 'em for it.
(sighs)
I hate how easy it is to manipulate and to lie to them.
I-I hate how
soft and impressionable
and trusting they are.
It makes me want to take advantage of them.
It makes me want to punish them,
to find some way for them to pay the price
for just how stupid they are.
Everyone. My...
my employees, my clients, my lawyers.
Hannah.
You.
I know you're not. I know you're not now,
-but you asked for the truth-- -Stop.
Say something.
-Why-why can't you say anything? -I'm just tired.
I have so much work to do.
I appreciate your honesty.
I'll see you next week. You can show yourself out.
♪ ♪
(door shuts)
♪ ♪