1 00:00:01,417 --> 00:00:03,000 BROOKE TAYLOR: Rita, not today. 2 00:00:03,083 --> 00:00:04,834 RITA: It's four in the fucking morning, 3 00:00:04,917 --> 00:00:06,750 and this was your idea. 4 00:00:08,792 --> 00:00:10,041 When I met Paul in school 5 00:00:10,125 --> 00:00:12,750 he gave me a meaningful path to follow. 6 00:00:12,917 --> 00:00:14,792 Then call him already. 7 00:00:14,875 --> 00:00:17,583 What is he gonna say that he hasn't already said? 8 00:00:18,083 --> 00:00:20,583 Active alcoholics don't have relationships. 9 00:00:21,125 --> 00:00:22,208 They take hostages. 10 00:00:22,709 --> 00:00:26,625 Deep inside, you knew it would mean the end between us. 11 00:00:26,709 --> 00:00:27,834 I'm scared. 12 00:00:28,250 --> 00:00:30,500 RITA: I am praying you find your son. 13 00:00:30,583 --> 00:00:32,709 You need closure on this chapter. 14 00:00:33,041 --> 00:00:36,917 And when you're ready, all you have to do is call me. 15 00:00:45,208 --> 00:00:48,333 (insects chirping outside) 16 00:00:48,417 --> 00:00:51,792 Brooke: I swear I tossed it in here last night. 17 00:00:52,583 --> 00:00:54,083 Whatcha looking for? 18 00:00:54,166 --> 00:00:57,375 My lipstick, my good neutral. 19 00:00:57,458 --> 00:01:00,333 Puttin' in a lot of effort for this guy, don't you think? 20 00:01:00,417 --> 00:01:01,583 Listen, 21 00:01:01,667 --> 00:01:03,458 this isn't gonna work if you're gonna flex 22 00:01:03,542 --> 00:01:05,709 at every mention of any other human male 23 00:01:05,792 --> 00:01:08,709 -I come in contact with. -I'm only pointing out that 24 00:01:08,792 --> 00:01:10,125 you've known Paul for ages. 25 00:01:10,208 --> 00:01:11,417 I guarantee you he's not gonna care 26 00:01:11,500 --> 00:01:13,333 if you're wearing the wrong shade of lipstick. 27 00:01:13,417 --> 00:01:15,750 Well, maybe not, but I do. 28 00:01:15,834 --> 00:01:18,291 -Oh! Come on... -Hey. 29 00:01:18,375 --> 00:01:20,083 Hey, hey, hey. 30 00:01:20,166 --> 00:01:22,125 Take a breath. Come over here. 31 00:01:22,208 --> 00:01:23,583 (sighs) 32 00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:25,500 (soft laugh) 33 00:01:27,583 --> 00:01:29,500 You can cancel, you know. 34 00:01:29,583 --> 00:01:31,291 I'm sure you can find another time. 35 00:01:31,375 --> 00:01:33,709 He's catching a red-eye tonight. 36 00:01:38,542 --> 00:01:40,500 How about I finish that later? 37 00:01:40,583 --> 00:01:42,834 Oh, hell no. This is between me 38 00:01:42,917 --> 00:01:45,542 and whatever the fuck this is. 39 00:01:45,625 --> 00:01:49,500 -Help yourself to my drink if you want. -(laughs) Oh, I'm good. 40 00:01:51,917 --> 00:01:53,291 Are you... 41 00:01:54,875 --> 00:01:57,041 Do you think you might be pregnant? 42 00:01:59,041 --> 00:02:00,375 Oh. 43 00:02:00,458 --> 00:02:02,834 No, I on-- I only meant that 44 00:02:02,917 --> 00:02:05,709 I had to get through this visit with Paul before... 45 00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:08,125 Oh. Oh, yeah. 46 00:02:08,208 --> 00:02:09,375 (soft laugh) 47 00:02:09,458 --> 00:02:12,250 It's way too early to know anything. 48 00:02:12,333 --> 00:02:16,083 This baby thing is a long shot, if it happens. 49 00:02:16,166 --> 00:02:18,375 Yeah. Of course. That makes sense. 50 00:02:19,375 --> 00:02:21,542 (sighs) You gonna... 51 00:02:22,709 --> 00:02:24,375 tell Paul the lawyer found your son? 52 00:02:25,750 --> 00:02:27,917 Probably. Maybe. 53 00:02:28,959 --> 00:02:30,959 Yeah? What do you think he'll say? 54 00:02:31,041 --> 00:02:32,625 Well, I already know what he's gonna say. 55 00:02:32,709 --> 00:02:35,333 (imitating): "And how do you feel about that, Brooke?" 56 00:02:35,417 --> 00:02:37,417 (both laugh) 57 00:02:37,500 --> 00:02:38,500 That's insightful. 58 00:02:38,583 --> 00:02:41,375 Well, he takes a more classical approach, 59 00:02:41,458 --> 00:02:44,792 but, hey. It's a classic for a reason. 60 00:02:48,667 --> 00:02:50,000 (sighs) 61 00:02:50,083 --> 00:02:51,834 Don't you think that's long enough? 62 00:02:51,917 --> 00:02:54,291 Well, that's a rookie mistake. 63 00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:57,166 People think super-glue dries in a few seconds. 64 00:02:57,250 --> 00:02:59,125 If you want real bond strength, 65 00:02:59,208 --> 00:03:01,166 you gotta be patient. 66 00:03:01,250 --> 00:03:03,583 Can take 10, sometimes 15-- 67 00:03:03,667 --> 00:03:05,750 You're really gonna make me say it, aren't you? 68 00:03:06,792 --> 00:03:07,750 (sighs) 69 00:03:09,291 --> 00:03:12,083 Paul means a lot to you. 70 00:03:12,166 --> 00:03:13,917 I want to meet him. 71 00:03:14,500 --> 00:03:15,917 I just... 72 00:03:16,792 --> 00:03:19,166 I think it would be good for 73 00:03:19,250 --> 00:03:21,000 me and you to let this play out 74 00:03:21,083 --> 00:03:23,291 between us for a minute before... 75 00:03:24,250 --> 00:03:26,917 (sighs) Before you... 76 00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:31,375 -fully acknowledge my existence in your life. -It's not that. 77 00:03:31,458 --> 00:03:35,959 -Yeah. Hide Quasimodo in the belfry. -Really, it's not. 78 00:03:36,041 --> 00:03:38,291 It's not that it even hurts my feelings that much, 79 00:03:38,375 --> 00:03:40,291 but it just gets so fucking old. 80 00:03:40,375 --> 00:03:42,417 If you're here, he'll know. 81 00:03:46,792 --> 00:03:49,750 -You haven't told him you're drinking again? -(sighs) 82 00:03:49,834 --> 00:03:51,875 Why? 83 00:03:51,959 --> 00:03:53,208 It's not like he's your boss. 84 00:03:53,291 --> 00:03:54,667 He's your supervisor, your therapist. 85 00:03:54,750 --> 00:03:56,542 Well, it is what it is, and nothing about that's 86 00:03:56,625 --> 00:04:00,000 gonna change before he shows up in five minutes, so... 87 00:04:08,959 --> 00:04:11,417 Guess I'll hit up Isaiah. 88 00:04:11,500 --> 00:04:13,417 Grab a beer or something. 89 00:04:13,500 --> 00:04:16,000 At least it'll get me out of this fuckin' house for a minute. 90 00:04:18,333 --> 00:04:20,333 (opens, slams door) 91 00:04:26,291 --> 00:04:29,208 ♪ ♪ 92 00:04:29,291 --> 00:04:32,458 (insects chirping) 93 00:04:58,834 --> 00:05:01,041 Brooke (echoing): You seem far away. 94 00:05:04,208 --> 00:05:07,041 Is there something you're looking for out there? 95 00:05:10,208 --> 00:05:13,375 I'm just... waiting. 96 00:05:15,208 --> 00:05:17,458 Brooke (echoing): Yes. 97 00:05:17,542 --> 00:05:19,709 -Waiting. -(sighs) 98 00:05:22,458 --> 00:05:25,750 Alone with nothing but your thoughts? 99 00:05:37,041 --> 00:05:39,208 And that being the case, 100 00:05:40,458 --> 00:05:43,792 I guess you might as well take a seat. 101 00:05:52,667 --> 00:05:53,792 (puts down glass) 102 00:05:57,709 --> 00:06:00,041 (light piano music playing) 103 00:06:00,125 --> 00:06:02,250 ♪ ♪ 104 00:06:19,333 --> 00:06:20,792 What is it? 105 00:06:21,917 --> 00:06:24,125 What do you mean? 106 00:06:24,208 --> 00:06:28,125 Something's clearly working its way to the surface for you. 107 00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:32,375 You can give me that look, 108 00:06:32,458 --> 00:06:35,500 but I'm doing pretty darn well at the moment, 109 00:06:35,583 --> 00:06:38,000 all things considered. 110 00:06:38,083 --> 00:06:40,417 What comes to mind when you say that? 111 00:06:42,667 --> 00:06:44,083 Well... 112 00:06:45,542 --> 00:06:47,542 (sighs) On Monday, I'll receive 113 00:06:47,625 --> 00:06:50,542 my son's information, and a mystery 114 00:06:50,625 --> 00:06:52,959 that has haunted me for over half my life 115 00:06:53,041 --> 00:06:54,959 will finally be solved. 116 00:06:55,041 --> 00:06:56,500 Simple as that? 117 00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:58,125 Why couldn't it be? 118 00:06:58,208 --> 00:07:00,166 Was finding him simple? 119 00:07:01,709 --> 00:07:03,834 No. 120 00:07:03,917 --> 00:07:07,125 No, not exactly. But, um... 121 00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:12,792 (inhales) 122 00:07:12,875 --> 00:07:16,041 -And there's Adam. -What about him? 123 00:07:16,125 --> 00:07:19,291 Well, the conversations we're having about our future, 124 00:07:19,375 --> 00:07:21,667 it's not like we've ever been here before. 125 00:07:23,125 --> 00:07:24,917 It feels... 126 00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:26,625 Yes? 127 00:07:27,417 --> 00:07:29,041 I don't know. 128 00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:31,959 Like progress. 129 00:07:32,041 --> 00:07:34,208 Progress. Mm. 130 00:07:35,542 --> 00:07:37,959 Clinical term. Not a lot of romance in it. 131 00:07:38,041 --> 00:07:40,834 -It's realistic. -Ah. 132 00:07:40,917 --> 00:07:44,792 The mark of every love story for the ages. Pragmatism. 133 00:07:44,875 --> 00:07:47,667 (scoffs) I thought you would see it as a good thing. 134 00:07:47,750 --> 00:07:49,583 It's coming from a less emotional place 135 00:07:49,667 --> 00:07:51,125 than I've been recently. 136 00:07:51,208 --> 00:07:53,875 You mean it's progress? 137 00:07:54,625 --> 00:07:56,083 Okay, okay. 138 00:07:56,166 --> 00:07:57,458 You're not wrong. 139 00:07:57,542 --> 00:08:00,750 If you were sitting here, conjuring rainbows and rapture, 140 00:08:00,834 --> 00:08:02,542 I'd also have concerns. 141 00:08:03,542 --> 00:08:06,041 So there's no winning with you. 142 00:08:07,792 --> 00:08:10,041 That's all I want for you. 143 00:08:11,917 --> 00:08:13,834 You know that, right? 144 00:08:13,917 --> 00:08:17,125 These conversations we have, that's me cheering you on, 145 00:08:17,208 --> 00:08:20,959 wanting you to get in front of whatever's holding you back. 146 00:08:29,542 --> 00:08:32,375 It felt good to throw out his ashes. 147 00:08:34,166 --> 00:08:36,583 I don't regret it. I really don't. 148 00:08:38,417 --> 00:08:42,542 Those ashes weren't him. Not really. 149 00:08:42,625 --> 00:08:46,333 Mostly, it felt like a step towards some greater release, 150 00:08:46,417 --> 00:08:48,583 which is good. 151 00:08:48,667 --> 00:08:50,125 I think. 152 00:08:53,875 --> 00:08:55,250 So... 153 00:08:56,166 --> 00:08:57,375 as I was saying, 154 00:08:57,458 --> 00:09:01,709 all things considered, I'm doing pretty well. 155 00:09:01,792 --> 00:09:04,125 -I can see that. -(puts down glass) 156 00:09:05,417 --> 00:09:06,834 Okay, Rita. 157 00:09:08,667 --> 00:09:11,041 What you're going through is a lot. 158 00:09:11,125 --> 00:09:12,625 All of it. 159 00:09:13,792 --> 00:09:16,875 I validate it. I honor it. 160 00:09:16,959 --> 00:09:19,375 And it's exactly why you return to the thing 161 00:09:19,458 --> 00:09:22,709 you know for a fact brings relief. 162 00:09:22,792 --> 00:09:24,458 In the short term. 163 00:09:29,166 --> 00:09:32,250 But what if I can handle it? 164 00:09:32,333 --> 00:09:34,750 Okay. Let's play that out. 165 00:09:34,834 --> 00:09:36,792 What does handling it look like? 166 00:09:37,917 --> 00:09:40,875 It's bringing my best to my patients 167 00:09:40,959 --> 00:09:42,917 in the day, and unwinding, 168 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:45,792 with a few drinks, at night, like an adult. 169 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:51,083 (scoffs) I've also been sober for nine years. 170 00:09:51,166 --> 00:09:53,250 You think I haven't learned something about 171 00:09:53,333 --> 00:09:56,208 my relationship with alcohol in all that time? 172 00:09:56,291 --> 00:09:58,417 So that's what's happening now? 173 00:09:58,500 --> 00:10:01,208 Work all day, cocktail or two at night? 174 00:10:01,291 --> 00:10:04,083 -Something like that. -Never sneak a drink between patients 175 00:10:04,166 --> 00:10:06,000 just to take the edge off? 176 00:10:06,083 --> 00:10:08,083 -Fuck you. -Sure. 177 00:10:08,166 --> 00:10:10,041 If you've been able to show up for your patients 178 00:10:10,125 --> 00:10:13,041 day in and day out, then yes. Fuck me. 179 00:10:13,125 --> 00:10:14,417 I have. 180 00:10:14,500 --> 00:10:17,000 I can do that sober, and frankly, I can do that 181 00:10:17,083 --> 00:10:18,834 even if I've had a drink. 182 00:10:18,917 --> 00:10:21,458 You take great pride in your ability to compartmentalize. 183 00:10:21,542 --> 00:10:22,750 It's almost a... 184 00:10:22,834 --> 00:10:25,291 full-time job for you at this point. 185 00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:28,083 No, I take great pride in my ability to help my patients 186 00:10:28,166 --> 00:10:31,333 find happiness. That's my job. 187 00:10:32,125 --> 00:10:34,291 It is? 188 00:10:34,375 --> 00:10:37,417 (laughs) Here it comes. 189 00:10:37,500 --> 00:10:39,375 It's just a little Jung. 190 00:10:39,458 --> 00:10:40,458 Ugh! 191 00:10:40,542 --> 00:10:43,000 The principal aim of psychotherapy is not to 192 00:10:43,083 --> 00:10:46,750 transport the patient to an impossible state of happiness. 193 00:10:48,041 --> 00:10:51,041 But to help them acquire... 194 00:10:51,125 --> 00:10:54,417 Both: a steadfastness and a philosophic patience 195 00:10:54,500 --> 00:10:57,083 in the face of suffering. 196 00:11:01,417 --> 00:11:02,959 (soft laugh) 197 00:11:03,041 --> 00:11:05,792 -Jung really knew his shit. -(laughs) 198 00:11:05,875 --> 00:11:08,417 Indeed he did. (chuckles) 199 00:11:10,917 --> 00:11:14,458 It really is the one debt I'll always owe Paul. 200 00:11:14,542 --> 00:11:16,000 What is? 201 00:11:16,083 --> 00:11:17,500 He saw my potential. 202 00:11:17,583 --> 00:11:20,709 (clicks tongue) Was easy to see. (scoffs) 203 00:11:20,792 --> 00:11:24,291 A young woman he met had more insights and observations 204 00:11:24,375 --> 00:11:28,000 than clinicians twice her age because she had lived. 205 00:11:28,083 --> 00:11:30,625 Because things had happened to her. 206 00:11:30,709 --> 00:11:34,542 Success, loss, addiction, rehab. 207 00:11:34,625 --> 00:11:37,500 You were able to relate to anyone with profound empathy. 208 00:11:37,583 --> 00:11:40,417 All you'd been through, good and bad, 209 00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:42,667 that's what made you great. 210 00:11:45,625 --> 00:11:47,959 Know who recognized your potential first? 211 00:11:51,125 --> 00:11:52,291 You. 212 00:11:53,500 --> 00:11:55,500 In fact, I think you've known 213 00:11:55,583 --> 00:11:59,375 your own promise for a very long time. 214 00:11:59,458 --> 00:12:01,917 Might be the truest thing you know about yourself. 215 00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:05,500 (scoffs) That's the exact message I got as a child. 216 00:12:06,375 --> 00:12:07,667 "Brooke, 217 00:12:07,750 --> 00:12:10,041 "you know what's best for you. 218 00:12:10,125 --> 00:12:14,709 We trust you to make your own decisions about your life." 219 00:12:14,792 --> 00:12:18,083 No. You didn't get that message. 220 00:12:18,166 --> 00:12:20,667 -My father wouldn't-- -I know. 221 00:12:22,834 --> 00:12:26,542 You talk about your father a lot. 222 00:12:26,625 --> 00:12:29,000 You offer him up any time someone tries to get 223 00:12:29,083 --> 00:12:32,000 to the bottom of things with you. 224 00:12:32,083 --> 00:12:34,333 Don't you think he deserves to have a finger pointed 225 00:12:34,417 --> 00:12:37,333 -in his direction? -I do. 226 00:12:37,417 --> 00:12:39,917 But it's also an easy answer. 227 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:42,583 "He made me give up my child." 228 00:12:42,667 --> 00:12:44,375 It's a pain anyone can understand, 229 00:12:44,458 --> 00:12:46,458 but is it really that simple? 230 00:12:49,917 --> 00:12:52,667 Why do you think you never talk about your mother? 231 00:12:53,792 --> 00:12:56,041 W... What do you mean? 232 00:12:57,000 --> 00:13:00,250 It's a conspicuous absence. 233 00:13:00,333 --> 00:13:04,625 It's 'cause there's nothing to sort through. I loved her. 234 00:13:04,709 --> 00:13:08,625 She never put the same pressures on me as my father did. 235 00:13:08,709 --> 00:13:10,750 She was at her best when I was sick 236 00:13:10,834 --> 00:13:12,583 or sad or needed help. 237 00:13:12,667 --> 00:13:15,875 She knew how to show up in the hard times. 238 00:13:16,917 --> 00:13:19,041 Her death was very painful for you. 239 00:13:20,250 --> 00:13:22,375 I mean, sure. 240 00:13:22,458 --> 00:13:24,125 Of course. It was... 241 00:13:24,208 --> 00:13:26,125 25 years ago. 242 00:13:26,208 --> 00:13:27,750 She was young. 243 00:13:29,125 --> 00:13:33,166 Youngest stroke victim her doctor ever tried to save. 244 00:13:36,500 --> 00:13:38,709 Bleeding was just too much. 245 00:13:41,542 --> 00:13:44,333 It's probably what she wanted all along. 246 00:13:44,417 --> 00:13:46,959 What she wanted? 247 00:13:47,041 --> 00:13:51,500 (sighs) A quick death. Don't we all? 248 00:13:51,583 --> 00:13:55,000 You think she wanted to have a catastrophic stroke? 249 00:13:55,083 --> 00:13:58,083 (scoffs) Of course she didn't want it. 250 00:13:59,458 --> 00:14:01,834 But there are the studies, 251 00:14:01,917 --> 00:14:03,458 the links between 252 00:14:03,542 --> 00:14:06,250 hemorrhage and heavy drinking. 253 00:14:10,333 --> 00:14:12,375 She didn't take care of herself. 254 00:14:14,083 --> 00:14:16,208 She didn't take care of herself. 255 00:14:17,917 --> 00:14:19,417 I see what you're driving at. 256 00:14:19,500 --> 00:14:21,458 -What am I driving at? -It's obvious. 257 00:14:21,542 --> 00:14:23,583 So say it. 258 00:14:27,625 --> 00:14:30,625 She didn't take care of herself, which means 259 00:14:30,709 --> 00:14:34,000 she didn't really take care of me. 260 00:14:39,417 --> 00:14:41,625 How does it feel to say that? 261 00:14:47,583 --> 00:14:49,834 Tell me about her. 262 00:14:51,041 --> 00:14:52,834 What was she like? 263 00:14:54,834 --> 00:14:57,792 I haven't thought about her for a long time. 264 00:14:57,875 --> 00:15:00,500 And I think that's part of the problem. 265 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:06,667 My mother was... 266 00:15:08,250 --> 00:15:09,875 a force. 267 00:15:11,834 --> 00:15:13,500 A whirlwind. 268 00:15:14,083 --> 00:15:16,208 Always doing. 269 00:15:16,291 --> 00:15:19,875 Where it would take my father 40 minutes to smoke a cigar 270 00:15:19,959 --> 00:15:23,667 without lifting his gaze from the window, my mother was... 271 00:15:25,709 --> 00:15:27,208 I don't know, a-- 272 00:15:28,500 --> 00:15:30,917 an electron. 273 00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:34,041 Here one second, there the next. (laughs) 274 00:15:34,125 --> 00:15:36,959 Maybe two places at once. (chuckles) 275 00:15:37,834 --> 00:15:39,166 And if you needed her? 276 00:15:39,250 --> 00:15:41,458 How'd you get her attention? 277 00:15:43,834 --> 00:15:46,041 We'd collide. 278 00:15:46,917 --> 00:15:48,834 Anyway, I think she thought 279 00:15:48,917 --> 00:15:52,208 having a drink or two in the evening would 280 00:15:52,291 --> 00:15:55,709 slow her down, help her relax. 281 00:15:57,625 --> 00:15:58,792 But, 282 00:15:58,875 --> 00:16:02,166 it just made the trail she left behind messier. 283 00:16:09,375 --> 00:16:11,959 There's this sense you develop when you live with someone 284 00:16:12,041 --> 00:16:14,625 who's an alcoholic. 285 00:16:14,709 --> 00:16:17,917 You can open the door, and within a fraction of a second, 286 00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:19,709 you know... 287 00:16:20,583 --> 00:16:22,417 if they've been drinking. 288 00:16:22,500 --> 00:16:25,417 You don't even have to hear 'em or see 'em. You just... 289 00:16:28,792 --> 00:16:30,375 know. 290 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:32,583 (scoffs) 291 00:16:32,667 --> 00:16:35,083 It was the only feeling I trusted because 292 00:16:35,166 --> 00:16:39,417 everything that came afterward was unpredictable. 293 00:16:39,500 --> 00:16:42,750 You know, she... could be in the kitchen, 294 00:16:42,834 --> 00:16:44,083 in a good mood, 295 00:16:44,166 --> 00:16:47,583 trying out some new recipe for pie crust 296 00:16:47,667 --> 00:16:49,583 or spaghetti sauce, or I could 297 00:16:49,667 --> 00:16:53,417 slip past her nodding off over the laundry basket on the couch 298 00:16:53,500 --> 00:16:56,250 and hole up in my room. 299 00:16:57,792 --> 00:17:00,291 My father would come home and make her wake up, 300 00:17:00,375 --> 00:17:04,041 and I would just turn up Power 106 and hit the books. 301 00:17:06,250 --> 00:17:09,166 Or I could search the house for her, 302 00:17:09,250 --> 00:17:12,417 terrified I'd find her hurt or... 303 00:17:15,333 --> 00:17:17,125 worse. 304 00:17:17,208 --> 00:17:18,417 But no. 305 00:17:18,500 --> 00:17:21,417 She'd been picked up for a DUI leaving the bank, 306 00:17:21,500 --> 00:17:24,000 and she was spending the afternoon 307 00:17:24,083 --> 00:17:25,709 sobering up in a holding cell 308 00:17:25,792 --> 00:17:28,959 like every other mother in the neighborhood. 309 00:17:38,250 --> 00:17:40,417 I swore I would never be like her. 310 00:17:44,291 --> 00:17:45,917 I know. 311 00:17:48,458 --> 00:17:51,125 The things she would say and do. 312 00:17:53,917 --> 00:17:56,250 It was embarrassing to my father, too. 313 00:17:56,333 --> 00:18:00,417 You know, this was a man who had a vision for everything. 314 00:18:00,500 --> 00:18:04,250 You know, plot of land, design of a home, 315 00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:06,125 a cut of a suit. 316 00:18:07,834 --> 00:18:09,792 It killed him 317 00:18:10,625 --> 00:18:12,458 that he couldn't just 318 00:18:12,542 --> 00:18:15,959 make her fit into his vision for our family. 319 00:18:18,667 --> 00:18:20,875 How do you think she felt? 320 00:18:20,959 --> 00:18:22,709 Oh, she probably... 321 00:18:23,875 --> 00:18:28,250 she probably felt trapped. Just like I did. 322 00:18:28,333 --> 00:18:30,166 I would go to the best schools. 323 00:18:30,250 --> 00:18:31,917 I would grow up Jack and Jill. 324 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:34,542 I would have that cotillion. 325 00:18:34,625 --> 00:18:37,250 You wouldn't be another embarrassment to the family. 326 00:18:37,333 --> 00:18:41,125 You wouldn't be a 15-year-old mother. 327 00:18:41,208 --> 00:18:42,542 You mean you wouldn't. 328 00:18:47,583 --> 00:18:48,709 Right. 329 00:18:49,917 --> 00:18:51,041 Yes. 330 00:18:52,583 --> 00:18:54,208 I wouldn't. 331 00:18:56,834 --> 00:18:59,000 And that was her solution, too. 332 00:19:00,083 --> 00:19:01,208 (puts down glass) 333 00:19:06,500 --> 00:19:08,250 She had the most gorgeous voice. 334 00:19:08,333 --> 00:19:10,917 -(laughs softly) -I would catch her 335 00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:12,542 singing to herself. 336 00:19:13,458 --> 00:19:15,417 And I would, uh... 337 00:19:15,500 --> 00:19:17,625 (exhales) just... 338 00:19:17,709 --> 00:19:20,959 sing quietly along with her. 339 00:19:21,041 --> 00:19:23,583 I didn't want her to stop, but... 340 00:19:24,417 --> 00:19:26,250 I also wanted to be... 341 00:19:30,083 --> 00:19:32,417 swept away with her. 342 00:19:41,250 --> 00:19:43,417 But I loved her. 343 00:19:48,125 --> 00:19:51,417 -You did. -And I know she loved me... 344 00:19:53,709 --> 00:19:55,458 in the ways she could. 345 00:19:58,709 --> 00:20:00,792 It's a scary thought, isn't it? 346 00:20:02,542 --> 00:20:06,083 That love isn't necessarily enough to... 347 00:20:06,166 --> 00:20:07,792 prevent the damage. 348 00:20:09,917 --> 00:20:11,834 Probably scary enough to keep you 349 00:20:11,917 --> 00:20:14,333 from having a family of your own. 350 00:20:16,166 --> 00:20:19,417 You blame your father for everything, then and now. 351 00:20:20,250 --> 00:20:21,417 Always have. 352 00:20:22,250 --> 00:20:23,709 But... 353 00:20:23,792 --> 00:20:27,417 maybe, somehow, your mother's at the root of your pain. 354 00:20:27,500 --> 00:20:29,250 No, you're wrong. 355 00:20:30,417 --> 00:20:33,125 It's not pain I'm really feeling 356 00:20:33,208 --> 00:20:35,500 when having a drink is the best idea I've ever had. 357 00:20:35,583 --> 00:20:36,709 It's not even that deep. 358 00:20:36,792 --> 00:20:39,041 Then what are you feeling in those moments? 359 00:20:39,125 --> 00:20:42,917 Mostly anxiety. 360 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:45,250 I'm uncomfortable a lot of the time. 361 00:20:45,333 --> 00:20:47,125 And where does that come from? 362 00:20:47,208 --> 00:20:49,667 -I just told you. Anxiety. -But where does 363 00:20:49,750 --> 00:20:52,041 anxiety come from? Fundamentally. 364 00:20:52,125 --> 00:20:54,917 First Jung, and now Kübler-Ross? 365 00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:57,417 Just go with the premise. 366 00:20:57,500 --> 00:21:00,458 There are two primary emotions, fear and love. 367 00:21:00,542 --> 00:21:04,166 Everything spills from those two core feelings. So, 368 00:21:04,917 --> 00:21:06,125 anxiety. 369 00:21:06,208 --> 00:21:08,792 -Fear. -Right. So, what are you afraid of? 370 00:21:08,875 --> 00:21:10,125 -A lot of things. -Yes, 371 00:21:10,208 --> 00:21:12,750 but what are you afraid of? 372 00:21:12,834 --> 00:21:15,166 I don't know. I'm... 373 00:21:16,083 --> 00:21:17,417 I'm unlovable. 374 00:21:17,500 --> 00:21:20,291 Go further. Unlovable in what way? 375 00:21:20,375 --> 00:21:23,792 Oh, that's easy. I-I'm not enough. 376 00:21:23,875 --> 00:21:27,875 Enough easy answers. What's the hard one? 377 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:32,417 That I'm too much! 378 00:21:33,125 --> 00:21:34,125 Yes? 379 00:21:34,208 --> 00:21:37,250 (gasps) That I was too much for my mother! 380 00:21:40,583 --> 00:21:43,041 Too perceptive. 381 00:21:43,125 --> 00:21:46,500 Too inquisitive. Too capable. 382 00:21:46,583 --> 00:21:49,458 -(crying) -These are the exact qualities 383 00:21:49,542 --> 00:21:52,667 a mother should celebrate in a child. 384 00:21:55,625 --> 00:21:57,291 This is it, Brooke. 385 00:21:57,375 --> 00:22:00,375 -You recognize that, right? -(sobs) 386 00:22:06,583 --> 00:22:08,417 You are pure gold. 387 00:22:09,709 --> 00:22:12,166 You glow. 388 00:22:12,250 --> 00:22:15,375 And, unfortunately, that blessed fact 389 00:22:15,458 --> 00:22:19,291 never got you the love you wanted from her. 390 00:22:19,375 --> 00:22:22,750 The mirror you held up to her was blinding. 391 00:22:24,750 --> 00:22:27,500 And every drink you take 392 00:22:27,583 --> 00:22:29,291 tarnishes that brilliance. 393 00:22:29,375 --> 00:22:33,208 -(gasps) -Every day you spend with a man 394 00:22:33,291 --> 00:22:36,250 you have doubts about dampens your power. 395 00:22:36,333 --> 00:22:37,458 (gasps) 396 00:22:38,834 --> 00:22:40,500 (gasping) 397 00:22:40,583 --> 00:22:43,667 You think that by lowering yourself, 398 00:22:43,750 --> 00:22:45,709 you become more lovable. 399 00:22:47,291 --> 00:22:48,917 (gasping) 400 00:22:52,041 --> 00:22:54,291 -And your son... -Enough. 401 00:22:56,834 --> 00:22:59,041 Enough. (panting) 402 00:22:59,125 --> 00:23:01,333 -You need to hear this. -No. 403 00:23:01,417 --> 00:23:03,083 Paul should be here. 404 00:23:03,166 --> 00:23:05,291 I want to hear what he has to say. 405 00:23:05,375 --> 00:23:07,542 And where is he? 406 00:23:07,625 --> 00:23:10,083 He hounds me for a month, and then it's this 407 00:23:10,166 --> 00:23:12,875 last minute, one sentence, "can't make it" text. 408 00:23:12,959 --> 00:23:15,041 And why does that surprise you? 409 00:23:15,125 --> 00:23:18,333 What? No. 410 00:23:18,417 --> 00:23:21,375 -Paul is very reliable. -No, I mean 411 00:23:21,458 --> 00:23:25,500 why does it still surprise you to find yourself alone? 412 00:23:27,625 --> 00:23:30,291 You sit here with your patients, 413 00:23:30,375 --> 00:23:33,709 an audience to their joys and heartbreaks. 414 00:23:33,792 --> 00:23:36,375 There are echoes in their stories but every one is unique. 415 00:23:36,458 --> 00:23:39,417 Uniquely felt. Singular. 416 00:23:39,500 --> 00:23:41,500 And that perspective forces an understanding 417 00:23:41,583 --> 00:23:43,250 that loneliness is woven into 418 00:23:43,333 --> 00:23:46,250 the fabric of being human. 419 00:23:46,333 --> 00:23:49,208 We become separate the moment we leave our mothers' bodies, 420 00:23:49,291 --> 00:23:53,125 and from that point on, one only has one's self. 421 00:23:55,291 --> 00:23:57,500 Isn't our job, at its heart, 422 00:23:58,583 --> 00:24:01,333 it isn't to teach our patients anything. 423 00:24:02,792 --> 00:24:04,417 It's to simply help them unearth 424 00:24:04,500 --> 00:24:07,583 what they already know about themselves. 425 00:24:07,667 --> 00:24:09,750 Their authentic nature. 426 00:24:10,542 --> 00:24:13,250 Their truth. 427 00:24:13,333 --> 00:24:16,709 So, yes, Paul could be sitting here right now. 428 00:24:16,792 --> 00:24:19,125 He could have a lot to say. He could say nothing at all. 429 00:24:19,208 --> 00:24:23,041 He could cancel right before he was supposed to be here 430 00:24:23,125 --> 00:24:26,375 just like he did, and it wouldn't change a thing. 431 00:24:28,542 --> 00:24:30,709 Because, deep down, you know. 432 00:24:31,500 --> 00:24:34,583 ♪ ♪ 433 00:24:39,458 --> 00:24:41,417 Your son doesn't want to be found. 434 00:24:46,208 --> 00:24:48,875 Why upend his entire life 435 00:24:48,959 --> 00:24:52,583 for some fantasy that won't be realized? 436 00:24:53,750 --> 00:24:56,583 To make yourself feel even worse? 437 00:24:59,917 --> 00:25:03,041 No matter what message you got from your mother... 438 00:25:04,250 --> 00:25:07,959 you don't have to be sad to be loved. 439 00:25:10,083 --> 00:25:13,792 The only way for you to experience real love 440 00:25:15,417 --> 00:25:18,458 is if you stop dimming your light. 441 00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:31,875 I'm sorry I can't make this okay for you. 442 00:25:33,667 --> 00:25:37,250 All I can do is encourage you to sit with your pain. 443 00:25:40,125 --> 00:25:42,291 Have patience with it. 444 00:25:44,166 --> 00:25:46,250 (echoing): Become steadfast in it. 445 00:25:48,834 --> 00:25:51,000 Make it mean something. 446 00:25:55,417 --> 00:25:58,500 ♪ ♪ 447 00:26:29,166 --> 00:26:30,333 (puts down glass) 448 00:26:51,333 --> 00:26:54,458 ♪ ♪ 449 00:27:20,625 --> 00:27:23,709 ♪ ♪ 450 00:27:50,667 --> 00:27:53,750 ♪ ♪ 451 00:28:10,250 --> 00:28:11,792 ♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYS) ♪ 452 00:28:14,709 --> 00:28:18,291 BROOKE TAYLOR: You can probably imagine how I wrestled with this. 453 00:28:19,417 --> 00:28:22,959 I knew it would come completely out of the blue for you. 454 00:28:24,625 --> 00:28:26,291 I didn't know how you'd feel. 455 00:28:27,291 --> 00:28:30,500 Before I finish and let you respond, I just... 456 00:28:32,250 --> 00:28:35,125 It's been 27 years of wondering, 457 00:28:35,667 --> 00:28:39,792 and I couldn't go another day without knowing you.