1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:02,083 What's the definition of a sex addict? 2 00:00:02,166 --> 00:00:04,333 A person who suffers from an intimacy disorder, 3 00:00:04,417 --> 00:00:07,166 characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts. 4 00:00:07,250 --> 00:00:09,250 And why do you think that describes you? 5 00:00:12,041 --> 00:00:14,667 BROOKE TAYLOR: So... Laila is a storyteller. 6 00:00:14,750 --> 00:00:16,417 LAILA: Sounds like you're calling me a liar. 7 00:00:16,750 --> 00:00:20,250 I think your imagination is a coping strategy. 8 00:00:20,834 --> 00:00:22,166 And maybe that's one of the reasons 9 00:00:22,250 --> 00:00:24,375 you've been dreaming of getting away with Cara? 10 00:00:25,333 --> 00:00:26,834 Have you ever run away before? 11 00:00:26,917 --> 00:00:29,000 Yeah, but my grandma found me. 12 00:00:29,083 --> 00:00:30,291 And you know what happens to a Black girl 13 00:00:30,375 --> 00:00:31,375 when she doesn't act right. 14 00:00:31,458 --> 00:00:32,542 TAYLOR: What happens? 15 00:00:32,625 --> 00:00:33,709 You have to pick the belt. 16 00:00:33,792 --> 00:00:36,417 Is that what you're trying to run away from? 17 00:00:37,041 --> 00:00:40,583 If I were to like, fail a test, or a class, 18 00:00:40,834 --> 00:00:43,041 everything would be worse, everybody would freak out. 19 00:00:43,125 --> 00:00:45,834 And so, I don't fail, because I can't. 20 00:00:46,959 --> 00:00:48,208 Are you texting with Cara? 21 00:00:48,291 --> 00:00:49,917 LAILA: The time we spend in here is for me, 22 00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:51,542 and right now, I want to text my girlfriend. 23 00:00:51,625 --> 00:00:52,750 Is that okay with you? 24 00:00:52,834 --> 00:00:53,792 That's fine. 25 00:01:02,375 --> 00:01:05,125 If we traveled back to March of 2020, 26 00:01:05,208 --> 00:01:08,000 when COVID-19 changed life 27 00:01:08,083 --> 00:01:09,250 as any of us had known it, 28 00:01:09,333 --> 00:01:11,709 no one could've predicted all we have learned 29 00:01:11,792 --> 00:01:14,709 and all we have lost since then. 30 00:01:14,792 --> 00:01:17,417 We are certainly in a different environment. 31 00:01:17,500 --> 00:01:19,417 And now, over a year later, 32 00:01:19,500 --> 00:01:21,792 with vaccines widely available, 33 00:01:21,875 --> 00:01:24,917 family and friends reuniting, and children back to schools, 34 00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:26,417 there are moments when it can seem 35 00:01:26,500 --> 00:01:28,709 like nothing but a bad dream. 36 00:01:28,792 --> 00:01:30,583 But one unknown 37 00:01:30,667 --> 00:01:32,291 still left to be reckoned with 38 00:01:32,375 --> 00:01:34,291 is the more long-term effects 39 00:01:34,375 --> 00:01:35,750 on our collective psyche. 40 00:01:35,834 --> 00:01:37,917 That's why I'm so glad to have the opportunity 41 00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:39,583 to speak with Dr. Paul Weston. 42 00:01:39,667 --> 00:01:43,625 He's a successful author with a host of indebted patients 43 00:01:43,709 --> 00:01:45,333 from his former private practice, 44 00:01:45,417 --> 00:01:47,917 and now, he's become one of the most trusted sources 45 00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:50,792 of insight into modern American psychology. 46 00:01:50,875 --> 00:01:52,291 So let's go to Dr. Weston 47 00:01:52,375 --> 00:01:54,250 from the 32nd International Congress of Psychology... 48 00:01:54,333 --> 00:01:56,792 Paul, hi! It's Brooke. Um... 49 00:01:56,875 --> 00:01:58,875 (clears throat) I got your messages, 50 00:01:58,959 --> 00:02:01,000 and I've been meaning to call you back, 51 00:02:01,083 --> 00:02:03,667 uh, but my work schedule has been intense. 52 00:02:03,750 --> 00:02:05,959 I don't have to tell you. 53 00:02:06,041 --> 00:02:08,792 I... I never know if you're home in New York 54 00:02:08,875 --> 00:02:11,583 or traveling, but I would love 55 00:02:11,667 --> 00:02:13,792 to find a moment to catch up. 56 00:02:13,875 --> 00:02:16,333 But, just so you know, I'm good. 57 00:02:16,417 --> 00:02:19,125 Really am. Busy, but good. 58 00:02:19,208 --> 00:02:21,542 Uh, but call me any time. Yeah? 59 00:02:21,625 --> 00:02:23,667 If I can pick up, I will. 60 00:02:25,417 --> 00:02:27,333 Give my best to Corina, 61 00:02:27,417 --> 00:02:30,500 and I hope you're well. 62 00:02:35,625 --> 00:02:38,709 (light piano music playing) 63 00:02:38,792 --> 00:02:40,917 ♪ ♪ 64 00:02:57,291 --> 00:02:58,417 (sighs) 65 00:02:59,333 --> 00:03:01,542 I have to tell you that I... 66 00:03:02,458 --> 00:03:05,208 -I've been worried. -Oh. 67 00:03:06,917 --> 00:03:08,917 -About what? -You. 68 00:03:09,750 --> 00:03:11,500 (scoffs) Oh. 69 00:03:11,583 --> 00:03:13,542 Mm-hm. At the end of our last session, 70 00:03:13,625 --> 00:03:15,792 you seemed despondent. 71 00:03:19,166 --> 00:03:21,709 Well, I'm sorry. (exhales) 72 00:03:21,792 --> 00:03:23,709 I'm not asking for an apology. 73 00:03:23,792 --> 00:03:25,875 Okay, well, I'm not sorry. 74 00:03:25,959 --> 00:03:28,208 Hey, my Bentley got fixed. 75 00:03:28,291 --> 00:03:30,583 -Did it? -Mm-hmm. They detailed her and everything. 76 00:03:30,667 --> 00:03:33,083 Daddy's mechanics did such a good job. 77 00:03:33,166 --> 00:03:35,041 It's like she was never in an accident. 78 00:03:35,125 --> 00:03:36,250 -She's like good as new. -Laila... 79 00:03:36,333 --> 00:03:39,083 Actually, what kind of car do you drive? 80 00:03:39,166 --> 00:03:41,959 Let, let, let me guess, let me guess. Like, you're probably 81 00:03:42,041 --> 00:03:44,208 a Volvo person. 82 00:03:44,291 --> 00:03:46,125 You know, all like, "safety first," 83 00:03:46,208 --> 00:03:48,792 and like, "vanilla's like my favorite flavor." 84 00:03:48,875 --> 00:03:50,041 No? Audi? 85 00:03:50,125 --> 00:03:52,583 Miss I-Love-Rihanna- and-Potato-Leek-Soup? 86 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:56,875 A Mini Cooper? I mean... 87 00:03:56,959 --> 00:04:00,166 -I could see it. -I drive a Prius. 88 00:04:00,250 --> 00:04:02,417 Ooh... 89 00:04:02,500 --> 00:04:05,333 So, how many times have people tried to hop in the backseat, 90 00:04:05,417 --> 00:04:07,542 thinking it was a, uh, an Uber? 91 00:04:08,834 --> 00:04:10,500 -Four. -Whoa! 92 00:04:10,583 --> 00:04:13,041 -(laughs) -What? 93 00:04:14,125 --> 00:04:16,250 Now, can we get back 94 00:04:16,333 --> 00:04:18,917 to talking about our last session together? 95 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,291 -What about it? -Well, you said 96 00:04:21,375 --> 00:04:24,125 that you didn't think you could ever be happy, 97 00:04:24,208 --> 00:04:26,417 and then you got lost in your phone. 98 00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:28,667 -Oh, I wasn't lost. -Oh, okay. 99 00:04:29,792 --> 00:04:31,166 Rephrase. 100 00:04:31,250 --> 00:04:33,750 It seemed like you were having a tough moment, 101 00:04:33,834 --> 00:04:36,333 and you felt compelled to reach out to Cara. 102 00:04:37,792 --> 00:04:40,417 Was she able to be there for you, give you what you need? 103 00:04:40,500 --> 00:04:43,000 -Of course she did. -I'm glad. 104 00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:44,875 (scoffs) Why? 105 00:04:45,750 --> 00:04:47,166 Believe it or not, 106 00:04:47,250 --> 00:04:49,250 I care about you, Laila. 107 00:04:49,333 --> 00:04:51,417 (laughs) 108 00:04:51,500 --> 00:04:54,250 (sighs) That's like the gayest shit you've ever said. 109 00:04:54,333 --> 00:04:56,417 Thank you. 110 00:05:00,709 --> 00:05:03,375 Is Cara some sort of... 111 00:05:04,208 --> 00:05:05,959 refuge for you? 112 00:05:06,041 --> 00:05:09,250 Refuge? Like I'm an endangered animal? 113 00:05:09,333 --> 00:05:11,625 Have you noticed you tend to pick apart my words 114 00:05:11,709 --> 00:05:14,500 when I ask you something you don't want to talk about? 115 00:05:14,583 --> 00:05:16,792 Well, I have no problem talking about Cara. 116 00:05:16,875 --> 00:05:19,875 But you seem to have a problem talking about you. 117 00:05:22,750 --> 00:05:23,917 (sighs) 118 00:05:29,083 --> 00:05:33,125 -Cara and I met at the same summer camp two years ago. -Sleep-away? 119 00:05:33,208 --> 00:05:35,208 (scoffs) No. 120 00:05:35,291 --> 00:05:36,750 Church camp. 121 00:05:36,834 --> 00:05:39,834 I went about eight years in a row. 122 00:05:39,917 --> 00:05:42,875 -That's a lot of summers. -I didn't want to go back for the ninth, 123 00:05:42,959 --> 00:05:45,875 but it wasn't really my choice. I got to be a CIT though. 124 00:05:45,959 --> 00:05:47,625 "Counselor in training." 125 00:05:48,917 --> 00:05:51,041 Did you like having more responsibility? 126 00:05:51,125 --> 00:05:52,917 Laila: I liked having more freedom. 127 00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:55,041 Because when I met Cara... 128 00:05:56,166 --> 00:05:58,917 Okay, so the campers are split into two groups. 129 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:01,834 The White Group was the youngest, like... 130 00:06:01,917 --> 00:06:03,417 Jesus at Christmas. 131 00:06:03,500 --> 00:06:05,709 And the Gold Group was the oldest, 132 00:06:05,792 --> 00:06:07,250 like Jesus at Easter. 133 00:06:07,333 --> 00:06:10,667 And Cara was a Gold camper, which is basically a CIT, 134 00:06:10,750 --> 00:06:13,458 so she was a camper, but not, you know? 135 00:06:13,542 --> 00:06:15,917 -Sure. -We couldn't hang out much at camp, 136 00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:18,291 so... (laughs) 137 00:06:18,375 --> 00:06:20,667 so we figured out how to escape and 138 00:06:20,750 --> 00:06:22,458 go to this Walgreens a few blocks away 139 00:06:22,542 --> 00:06:24,125 to buy snacks. And we'd just, like, 140 00:06:24,208 --> 00:06:25,583 sit in the parking lot and talk. 141 00:06:25,667 --> 00:06:26,959 What would you talk about? 142 00:06:27,041 --> 00:06:30,333 Literally everything. Like TV, 143 00:06:30,417 --> 00:06:32,959 music, books that we liked. I mean, 144 00:06:33,041 --> 00:06:35,291 we were both obsessed with "An Ember in the Ashes" 145 00:06:35,375 --> 00:06:38,750 at the time. But, um, yeah. 146 00:06:38,834 --> 00:06:41,083 Clothes, hair, makeup. 147 00:06:41,166 --> 00:06:43,375 -I see. -But it wasn't like 148 00:06:43,458 --> 00:06:45,667 all like superficial stuff all the time though. 149 00:06:45,750 --> 00:06:48,375 Sometimes, we talked about God. 150 00:06:50,333 --> 00:06:52,667 Like if we truly believed. 151 00:06:52,750 --> 00:06:56,166 And do you believe? In God? 152 00:06:56,250 --> 00:06:58,333 Oh, um... 153 00:07:00,291 --> 00:07:03,166 I mean, it's like complicated. 154 00:07:03,250 --> 00:07:05,875 I'm pretty good with complicated. 155 00:07:07,291 --> 00:07:09,125 Well, okay, Humble. 156 00:07:11,792 --> 00:07:14,834 Cara and I believe that there's a god but not, like, 157 00:07:14,917 --> 00:07:17,750 some white guy with white hair, you know? 158 00:07:17,834 --> 00:07:19,125 We're more spiritual. 159 00:07:19,208 --> 00:07:22,375 We both like the culture of church, of Black church, 160 00:07:22,458 --> 00:07:26,083 like the music and the clothes and... 161 00:07:26,166 --> 00:07:29,750 Yeah, the feeling when everyone's excited about a sermon. 162 00:07:29,834 --> 00:07:31,458 But we like religions in general. 163 00:07:31,542 --> 00:07:34,792 Cara is obsessed with Egypt, so when we found out 164 00:07:34,875 --> 00:07:37,500 that there were mummies in Peru, I mean, we got super into that. 165 00:07:37,583 --> 00:07:39,667 -Why? -Well, 166 00:07:39,750 --> 00:07:42,291 the Inca kept their mummies around for like generations. 167 00:07:42,375 --> 00:07:44,375 They believed that there was like this difference 168 00:07:44,458 --> 00:07:46,208 between biological death, like the, 169 00:07:46,291 --> 00:07:48,291 you know, dying and becoming a mummy part, 170 00:07:48,375 --> 00:07:51,083 and social death, which didn't happen until their descendants, 171 00:07:51,166 --> 00:07:52,917 like, forgot about them. 172 00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:55,333 So they didn't always keep their mummies in their tombs. 173 00:07:55,417 --> 00:07:57,875 They like brought them out to do stuff. 174 00:07:57,959 --> 00:08:01,250 Their family would go to them for advice, or they'd attend, 175 00:08:01,333 --> 00:08:05,125 like, marriage ceremonies and get danced around even. 176 00:08:05,208 --> 00:08:07,417 They just had this invisible strength 177 00:08:07,500 --> 00:08:09,333 that everyone believed in. 178 00:08:10,166 --> 00:08:12,250 I don't know, it's just... 179 00:08:12,333 --> 00:08:13,917 It's cool. 180 00:08:14,750 --> 00:08:16,375 So... 181 00:08:17,291 --> 00:08:19,041 it's another life, in a way. 182 00:08:21,417 --> 00:08:23,583 Sort of. Yeah. 183 00:08:25,083 --> 00:08:27,250 But, without the pain. 184 00:08:28,959 --> 00:08:31,750 Do you think that life is painful? 185 00:08:36,625 --> 00:08:38,083 Um... 186 00:08:39,542 --> 00:08:42,166 I don't know if I like wanna talk about that kind of stuff. 187 00:08:42,250 --> 00:08:43,208 Brooke: Okay. 188 00:08:44,917 --> 00:08:46,083 Wait, really? 189 00:08:46,166 --> 00:08:47,875 Really. 190 00:08:48,667 --> 00:08:49,750 (sighs) 191 00:08:50,583 --> 00:08:52,375 -I hate that. -What? 192 00:08:52,458 --> 00:08:54,959 When you like don't make me do stuff. 193 00:08:55,041 --> 00:08:57,709 Brooke: You want to hightail it 4,000 miles 194 00:08:57,792 --> 00:08:59,375 to get away from your grandmother 195 00:08:59,458 --> 00:09:01,583 who you think is too controlling. 196 00:09:01,667 --> 00:09:03,625 It's probably not smart for me to 197 00:09:03,709 --> 00:09:05,041 operate in the same way, right? 198 00:09:05,125 --> 00:09:07,208 Yeah, but, like, I don't know what to do in here. 199 00:09:07,291 --> 00:09:08,542 I don't know how to do "this." 200 00:09:08,625 --> 00:09:10,417 But you're doing it. This is it. 201 00:09:10,500 --> 00:09:13,583 -Jeez, like I need you to patronize me, too? -What do you need, Laila? 202 00:09:13,667 --> 00:09:15,709 -Nothing! -Then why do you keep coming back? 203 00:09:15,792 --> 00:09:18,375 Because of my grand-- 204 00:09:18,458 --> 00:09:21,041 Because like if it helps my grandma get off my back 205 00:09:21,125 --> 00:09:24,417 about Cara, then I'll do it. I love her. 206 00:09:24,500 --> 00:09:27,750 Laila, what do you think love is? 207 00:09:31,208 --> 00:09:35,375 I... don't know. I've never like looked it up. 208 00:09:35,458 --> 00:09:37,792 Doesn't mean you don't know what it means to you. 209 00:09:37,875 --> 00:09:40,667 -Yeah, well, you shouldn't use a double negative. -Laila... 210 00:09:41,834 --> 00:09:43,500 You're doing it again. 211 00:09:45,125 --> 00:09:46,500 I know. 212 00:09:47,625 --> 00:09:50,291 (sighs) So I know what love isn't, 213 00:09:50,375 --> 00:09:52,208 but I know that that's not the way 214 00:09:52,291 --> 00:09:53,709 you're supposed to define things. 215 00:09:53,792 --> 00:09:57,166 Well, I wasn't asking for a definition. 216 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:01,166 So, love isn't... 217 00:10:02,583 --> 00:10:04,750 -giving someone a present. -Why not? 218 00:10:04,834 --> 00:10:06,458 Well, because that makes you feel good. 219 00:10:06,542 --> 00:10:08,458 It doesn't make someone else feel good. 220 00:10:09,166 --> 00:10:11,375 Sometimes it does. 221 00:10:11,458 --> 00:10:12,792 I like getting presents. 222 00:10:12,875 --> 00:10:14,917 Yeah, but giving someone something isn't the same 223 00:10:15,041 --> 00:10:17,166 as loving them, I don't think. 224 00:10:17,250 --> 00:10:18,667 -No? -Well, no. 225 00:10:18,750 --> 00:10:20,542 My dad gives me everything, 226 00:10:20,625 --> 00:10:21,875 and that doesn't mean he loves me. 227 00:10:21,959 --> 00:10:23,792 It just means that he feels bad 228 00:10:23,875 --> 00:10:26,083 about not spending time with me. 229 00:10:27,500 --> 00:10:29,166 And worrying about someone all the time, too, 230 00:10:29,250 --> 00:10:31,709 like my grandma does. That's not loving someone either. 231 00:10:31,792 --> 00:10:32,875 Why not? 232 00:10:32,959 --> 00:10:35,083 Well because hoping something bad doesn't happen 233 00:10:35,166 --> 00:10:37,709 isn't the same as hoping something good will happen. 234 00:10:37,792 --> 00:10:40,291 So, is loving someone hoping that 235 00:10:40,375 --> 00:10:43,125 good things are going to happen to them? 236 00:10:43,208 --> 00:10:45,417 -I guess not. -So... 237 00:10:46,917 --> 00:10:48,542 what is love? 238 00:10:49,125 --> 00:10:50,542 Um... 239 00:10:53,750 --> 00:10:56,709 Mm, I don't know. Not doing anything? 240 00:11:00,125 --> 00:11:02,458 I-I don't mean not doing anything. 241 00:11:02,542 --> 00:11:03,875 I just mean it's not, like, 242 00:11:03,959 --> 00:11:07,000 fixing or-or guiding or... 243 00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:09,500 I don't know! It-it's like watching or-- 244 00:11:09,583 --> 00:11:11,917 I mean, that sounds creepy, but it's like... 245 00:11:13,250 --> 00:11:15,834 -Noticing. -Noticing what? 246 00:11:15,917 --> 00:11:17,208 Laila: Well, everything. 247 00:11:17,291 --> 00:11:20,166 It's knowing what she wants without her having to say it. 248 00:11:20,250 --> 00:11:21,542 It's not about, I don't know, 249 00:11:21,625 --> 00:11:23,208 getting her the mocha Frappuccino. 250 00:11:23,291 --> 00:11:26,834 It's about knowing the fact that she likes the mocha Frappuccino, 251 00:11:26,917 --> 00:11:29,375 or whatever the soul-level equivalent 252 00:11:29,458 --> 00:11:31,834 to a mocha Frappuccino is. I mean, I could be wrong, 253 00:11:31,917 --> 00:11:34,750 but, in a way, 254 00:11:34,834 --> 00:11:37,125 love isn't complicated. It's... 255 00:11:39,083 --> 00:11:40,792 I don't know, just like... 256 00:11:42,250 --> 00:11:43,333 (sighs) 257 00:11:44,625 --> 00:11:46,542 paying attention. 258 00:11:46,625 --> 00:11:49,959 And do you mean physical attention? 259 00:11:50,041 --> 00:11:52,417 Um... 260 00:11:52,500 --> 00:11:56,000 -that's not what I was talking about. -Okay, but does it? 261 00:11:57,291 --> 00:12:00,583 Why would you, like-- why would you ask? 262 00:12:02,625 --> 00:12:04,458 Because I think 263 00:12:04,542 --> 00:12:07,333 physical intimacy 264 00:12:07,417 --> 00:12:10,542 is an important aspect to committed, 265 00:12:10,625 --> 00:12:12,583 healthy relationships. 266 00:12:12,667 --> 00:12:14,375 Yes, I know what sex is. 267 00:12:14,458 --> 00:12:16,000 I'm well aware of that. 268 00:12:16,083 --> 00:12:18,208 No, I-I'm not talking about-- 269 00:12:18,291 --> 00:12:20,875 Your sex addiction. 270 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:25,166 Yeah... 271 00:12:25,250 --> 00:12:27,125 Sorry about that. I was just trying to-- 272 00:12:27,208 --> 00:12:28,667 Test me. 273 00:12:29,333 --> 00:12:30,917 I get it. 274 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:34,000 I must've sounded ridiculous, didn't I? 275 00:12:34,917 --> 00:12:37,667 I had my doubts, Laila. (chuckles) 276 00:12:39,166 --> 00:12:40,500 But, 277 00:12:40,583 --> 00:12:43,333 I knew you were trying to tell me something. 278 00:12:49,041 --> 00:12:50,166 (sighs) 279 00:12:51,166 --> 00:12:52,792 So... 280 00:12:57,166 --> 00:12:59,500 I don't know. Can we like talk about... 281 00:13:00,667 --> 00:13:02,583 sex in here? 282 00:13:03,542 --> 00:13:06,500 Like, actually talk about it? 283 00:13:06,583 --> 00:13:09,875 There's little I haven't heard on the subject. 284 00:13:12,291 --> 00:13:15,000 And are other people disappointed in it, too? 285 00:13:18,500 --> 00:13:20,291 Are you disappointed in it? 286 00:13:20,375 --> 00:13:22,125 I guess I just have always wanted it 287 00:13:22,208 --> 00:13:24,291 to be more than what it is. 288 00:13:24,375 --> 00:13:26,041 Brooke: Tell me about that. 289 00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:30,375 I mean, I've had sex. Like... 290 00:13:31,667 --> 00:13:33,875 three boys, and one girl. 291 00:13:35,875 --> 00:13:38,583 When things start really happening, I just... 292 00:13:41,417 --> 00:13:43,625 I kind of start thinking about the wrong stuff. 293 00:13:43,709 --> 00:13:47,834 "Wrong stuff" how? In what way? 294 00:13:47,917 --> 00:13:50,792 I guess I would just start, like, thinking about 295 00:13:50,875 --> 00:13:53,333 my grandma and, like, how... 296 00:13:53,417 --> 00:13:55,625 pissed off she'd be if she knew. 297 00:13:56,834 --> 00:13:58,583 Do you think that's like fucked up? 298 00:13:58,667 --> 00:14:00,291 I think it... 299 00:14:02,834 --> 00:14:05,500 that girls and women 300 00:14:05,583 --> 00:14:09,792 have been conditioned to not be present 301 00:14:09,875 --> 00:14:12,208 in their bodies during sex. 302 00:14:13,917 --> 00:14:15,041 What do you mean? 303 00:14:15,125 --> 00:14:18,166 Society, in general, places importance 304 00:14:18,250 --> 00:14:21,375 on female-identified bodies looking good 305 00:14:21,458 --> 00:14:24,166 during a sexual encounter. 306 00:14:24,250 --> 00:14:27,792 How we feel during a sexual encounter is... 307 00:14:28,500 --> 00:14:31,125 secondary. It... 308 00:14:31,208 --> 00:14:34,917 creates a pervasive dissociative effect, 309 00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:38,250 and that's how you go into your mind with your grandma 310 00:14:38,333 --> 00:14:40,000 and not stay 311 00:14:40,083 --> 00:14:42,750 in the moment, in your body. 312 00:14:42,834 --> 00:14:46,375 You-you ever heard people talk about female orgasm, right? 313 00:14:46,458 --> 00:14:49,417 Yeah. Like you shouldn't expect it to happen every time. 314 00:14:49,500 --> 00:14:51,709 Exactly. It's fickle. 315 00:14:51,792 --> 00:14:53,875 Uh, female sexuality 316 00:14:53,959 --> 00:14:55,917 is mysterious. 317 00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:57,959 Women are unknowable. 318 00:14:58,041 --> 00:15:00,375 Making us come is arduous. 319 00:15:00,458 --> 00:15:04,208 Locating the clitoris is impossible. 320 00:15:04,291 --> 00:15:07,250 You know, that's all broadcast out 321 00:15:07,333 --> 00:15:09,542 to every gender. 322 00:15:09,625 --> 00:15:13,250 Women's feelings are so difficult to determine, 323 00:15:13,333 --> 00:15:15,083 it's not even worth the effort. 324 00:15:15,166 --> 00:15:17,417 I don't believe in any of that. 325 00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:19,166 N-- It's not about belief-- 326 00:15:19,250 --> 00:15:22,542 No, no, no. I like my body. I'm not scared of it. And... 327 00:15:23,834 --> 00:15:26,333 And when I'm with Cara, it's not about... 328 00:15:26,417 --> 00:15:29,667 our bodies. It's about our souls, you know? 329 00:15:29,750 --> 00:15:32,667 I wouldn't... I'm able to be with her, and... 330 00:15:32,750 --> 00:15:37,000 I mean, like, truly be together. I just want it to be... 331 00:15:37,083 --> 00:15:41,500 I mean, I don't know. I just-- I'm happy when I'm with her. 332 00:15:41,583 --> 00:15:45,250 I love her more than anyone I've ever met, and honestly? Like, 333 00:15:45,333 --> 00:15:47,500 I've never even kissed the girl. 334 00:15:50,959 --> 00:15:52,542 (sighs) 335 00:15:54,583 --> 00:15:55,709 Hm. 336 00:15:57,166 --> 00:16:01,291 But, I think about that kiss a lot. 337 00:16:01,375 --> 00:16:03,625 I've even told her about our first kiss 338 00:16:03,709 --> 00:16:05,542 without her even knowing. 339 00:16:05,625 --> 00:16:08,291 It sounded like a story that we were writing together, 340 00:16:08,375 --> 00:16:10,208 but for me, it was... 341 00:16:11,542 --> 00:16:13,208 it was our story. 342 00:16:15,166 --> 00:16:16,875 I'd like to hear it. 343 00:16:20,458 --> 00:16:22,959 Well, we're taking that train I told you about. 344 00:16:23,041 --> 00:16:26,041 From Cusco to Machu Picchu. 345 00:16:28,125 --> 00:16:31,291 (sighs) Mm. And... 346 00:16:33,417 --> 00:16:36,000 we're passing by 347 00:16:36,083 --> 00:16:38,000 this rushing river and, 348 00:16:38,083 --> 00:16:41,458 I mean, these incredible mountain vistas. 349 00:16:41,542 --> 00:16:44,917 ♪ ♪ 350 00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:46,917 (brief chuckle) 351 00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:48,500 And all of a sudden, we realize 352 00:16:48,583 --> 00:16:50,917 that we're just looking at one another. 353 00:16:56,208 --> 00:16:58,625 I raise my hand and... 354 00:16:58,709 --> 00:17:00,542 trace the curve of her neck. 355 00:17:02,792 --> 00:17:04,917 And her lips. 356 00:17:06,208 --> 00:17:07,250 (chuckles) 357 00:17:07,333 --> 00:17:10,041 And the train rocks and... 358 00:17:10,125 --> 00:17:12,458 we move closer and... 359 00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:15,667 it rocks again, and... 360 00:17:18,834 --> 00:17:20,917 it happens. 361 00:17:26,333 --> 00:17:27,458 (quiet sigh) 362 00:17:28,792 --> 00:17:31,166 We're eternal. 363 00:17:36,291 --> 00:17:38,458 -Laila? -Hm? 364 00:17:41,667 --> 00:17:44,291 When you describe the kiss, 365 00:17:44,375 --> 00:17:46,500 what are you feeling? 366 00:17:46,583 --> 00:17:48,959 Uh, I don't know. I'm just, like, 367 00:17:49,041 --> 00:17:51,125 thinking about it. 368 00:17:51,208 --> 00:17:53,792 In your body, as you sit here, 369 00:17:53,875 --> 00:17:55,917 what do you feel? 370 00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:59,125 Laila: Um... tingly? 371 00:18:00,500 --> 00:18:03,250 My fingers. (laughs) My face. I-I don't know. 372 00:18:03,333 --> 00:18:04,750 You-you, like, pulled me out of it, 373 00:18:04,834 --> 00:18:08,083 and now I'm just back sitting in this room with you. 374 00:18:08,166 --> 00:18:10,959 Have you ever heard of somatic therapy, Laila? 375 00:18:11,041 --> 00:18:14,709 Laila: Well, soma means "body" in Latin. 376 00:18:14,792 --> 00:18:16,500 Brooke: It's a body-centered therapy. 377 00:18:16,583 --> 00:18:19,458 Looks at the mind-body relationship, 378 00:18:19,542 --> 00:18:23,000 especially as it relates to trauma. 379 00:18:25,709 --> 00:18:28,250 Okay. Cool. 380 00:18:28,333 --> 00:18:32,166 I'm not an expert, but I can't help feeling this... 381 00:18:32,250 --> 00:18:35,208 this pull to keep you grounded. 382 00:18:36,250 --> 00:18:37,792 In the present, 383 00:18:37,875 --> 00:18:39,333 in your body, 384 00:18:39,417 --> 00:18:41,709 in this room. 385 00:18:41,792 --> 00:18:43,667 Why? 386 00:18:43,750 --> 00:18:46,375 Brooke: I'm still trying to figure that out for myself. 387 00:18:49,125 --> 00:18:51,375 So you, like, don't know everything? 388 00:18:53,709 --> 00:18:56,208 I told you. (laughs) 389 00:18:57,083 --> 00:18:59,792 But, I do think 390 00:18:59,875 --> 00:19:03,083 something important is here, Laila. 391 00:19:03,166 --> 00:19:05,709 And I think it somehow ties 392 00:19:05,792 --> 00:19:07,750 to the discipline 393 00:19:07,834 --> 00:19:10,750 you experienced from your grandmother, 394 00:19:10,834 --> 00:19:14,291 and your tendency towards fantasy, 395 00:19:14,375 --> 00:19:17,250 your constant desire to escape. 396 00:19:17,333 --> 00:19:20,125 Can I just like not care about any of that stuff? 397 00:19:20,208 --> 00:19:22,667 -Any of what? -Like... 398 00:19:22,750 --> 00:19:25,333 (sighs) Like physical stuff, body stuff, 399 00:19:25,417 --> 00:19:26,959 like corporeal stuff, 400 00:19:27,041 --> 00:19:28,500 as you would say it. 401 00:19:28,583 --> 00:19:30,583 Like arms, legs, tits. Like, 402 00:19:30,667 --> 00:19:33,208 what does it even mean, you know? 403 00:19:33,291 --> 00:19:36,166 Our body doesn't always tell the true story about who we are. 404 00:19:36,250 --> 00:19:39,875 I don't know, I... if I always feel like a girl. 405 00:19:39,959 --> 00:19:42,208 There's more to me than that. I don't know if it's, you know, 406 00:19:42,291 --> 00:19:45,375 boy either, but... 407 00:19:45,458 --> 00:19:47,250 (sighs) You know when you're standing 408 00:19:47,333 --> 00:19:50,291 in front of a foggy mirror, and you just can't, like... 409 00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:53,458 find yourself? 410 00:19:55,291 --> 00:19:57,667 Well, that's what I was describing like sex as. 411 00:19:57,750 --> 00:19:59,542 I just feel like... 412 00:19:59,625 --> 00:20:02,291 like there's probably something more. 413 00:20:02,375 --> 00:20:04,792 And not just bodies. Like... 414 00:20:05,959 --> 00:20:08,375 even things. 415 00:20:08,458 --> 00:20:11,625 Like cars or clothes. Like, none of that tells the truth 416 00:20:11,709 --> 00:20:13,709 about who we are. 417 00:20:13,792 --> 00:20:18,125 Like the way I dress. Like my hair, my nails, like... 418 00:20:18,208 --> 00:20:20,542 That's what makes grandma happy. It doesn't show 419 00:20:20,625 --> 00:20:22,041 the truth inside of me, you know? 420 00:20:22,125 --> 00:20:25,500 Honestly, I'm just starting to get to the point where I... 421 00:20:25,583 --> 00:20:28,000 don't need like physical things anymore. 422 00:20:28,083 --> 00:20:31,125 -What do you mean? -Like everything! My entire life, 423 00:20:31,208 --> 00:20:33,500 ever since being here last week, I'm realizing that 424 00:20:33,583 --> 00:20:36,208 I don't need physical things, so I'm getting rid of it. 425 00:20:36,291 --> 00:20:38,709 I'm getting rid of all of it. I'm-I'm selling it. 426 00:20:38,792 --> 00:20:42,875 -You're selling your-- -Yes! My shoes, my clothes, my bags! Like... 427 00:20:42,959 --> 00:20:45,333 Can I interest you in a Chanel Boy bag? 428 00:20:45,417 --> 00:20:48,667 Instant classic, named after Coco's first love. 429 00:20:49,834 --> 00:20:50,834 Tempting. 430 00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:52,000 (scoffs) 431 00:20:54,709 --> 00:20:55,834 (sighs) 432 00:21:03,834 --> 00:21:06,000 I just want, like, 433 00:21:06,083 --> 00:21:08,667 Cara and I to be comfortable 434 00:21:08,750 --> 00:21:10,959 living in Peru for a while. 435 00:21:11,834 --> 00:21:13,333 Like, eventually, yeah. 436 00:21:13,417 --> 00:21:15,959 I'll get a job translating for someone into English. 437 00:21:16,041 --> 00:21:17,500 I'll work at a restaurant, a bar, 438 00:21:17,583 --> 00:21:22,000 but when we first get there, I just want it to be like... 439 00:21:22,083 --> 00:21:25,625 about exploring. About hiking. About Machu Picchu. 440 00:21:25,709 --> 00:21:29,917 -About taking it in, taking each other in. -Laila... 441 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:33,667 I have to tell you, I'm concerned. 442 00:21:35,875 --> 00:21:37,583 About what? 443 00:21:39,208 --> 00:21:42,291 The way you talk about leaving, it's just... 444 00:21:42,375 --> 00:21:45,375 so much fantasy language. 445 00:21:45,458 --> 00:21:47,375 The happily-ever-after of it all. 446 00:21:47,458 --> 00:21:49,750 -Yeah, I'm excited, so what? -And that's fine. 447 00:21:49,834 --> 00:21:52,125 And I know you and Cara are close, 448 00:21:52,208 --> 00:21:54,458 but you are two individuals 449 00:21:54,542 --> 00:21:57,208 with different hopes and needs. 450 00:21:58,166 --> 00:22:00,875 What if your Machu Picchu 451 00:22:00,959 --> 00:22:02,625 isn't Cara's Machu Picchu? 452 00:22:02,709 --> 00:22:05,375 -What happens then? -No, not this again. 453 00:22:05,458 --> 00:22:08,166 "You two are different. Cara's 15, you're 18." 454 00:22:08,250 --> 00:22:10,709 Brooke: I don't think that's where I was going with my question, 455 00:22:10,792 --> 00:22:13,417 Laila, but what happens if things don't go 456 00:22:13,500 --> 00:22:15,125 exactly as you... 457 00:22:16,917 --> 00:22:19,792 Do you remember the fantasy 458 00:22:19,875 --> 00:22:22,417 you told me about saving your grandmother? 459 00:22:22,500 --> 00:22:25,792 Throwing her in the Escalade and taking out 460 00:22:25,875 --> 00:22:28,834 -whoever's in your path who might-- -Yes. Yes. 461 00:22:28,917 --> 00:22:32,125 And do you see that scenario going exactly as you imagine it? 462 00:22:32,208 --> 00:22:34,750 No, of course not! 463 00:22:39,792 --> 00:22:41,834 Look, the whole like Peru thing, 464 00:22:41,917 --> 00:22:43,959 it doesn't have to be like perfect. 465 00:22:44,041 --> 00:22:45,750 And how will you feel if it's not? 466 00:22:46,667 --> 00:22:47,750 How should I know? 467 00:22:47,834 --> 00:22:50,083 Imagine it. You're very good at that. 468 00:22:50,166 --> 00:22:52,583 Wow, you're really starting to piss me off. 469 00:22:54,041 --> 00:22:56,417 -Thank you for telling me-- -Goddammit! You're supposed 470 00:22:56,500 --> 00:22:59,041 to hit me when I say shit like that, not thank me! 471 00:22:59,125 --> 00:23:00,834 Your feelings are valid, whatever they are. 472 00:23:00,917 --> 00:23:03,458 Except for the ones where Cara and I are both in Peru? 473 00:23:03,542 --> 00:23:06,083 I promised you that I would always be honest with you, 474 00:23:06,166 --> 00:23:09,875 and I am not going to break that trust now. 475 00:23:09,959 --> 00:23:13,208 Then fine! Just say it! Say it all then! 476 00:23:13,291 --> 00:23:16,166 If you think I have so much to say, 477 00:23:16,250 --> 00:23:17,625 I'd prefer you say it. 478 00:23:17,709 --> 00:23:20,500 What? That I'm being reckless? Impulsive? 479 00:23:20,583 --> 00:23:24,041 That I'm giving everything up for some grand, impossible idea? 480 00:23:24,125 --> 00:23:25,917 That I'm being immature? Well, yeah! 481 00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:27,709 Maybe I am! Maybe that's just exactly 482 00:23:27,792 --> 00:23:30,000 what I fucking want to be! 483 00:23:30,667 --> 00:23:33,875 (panting) 484 00:23:33,959 --> 00:23:37,375 Like, who the fuck wants to grow up and buy a house and pay bills 485 00:23:37,458 --> 00:23:39,083 and like do laundry? Like, 486 00:23:39,166 --> 00:23:42,417 who even knows how to do any of that? 487 00:23:42,500 --> 00:23:44,875 (sighs) Like, I learned how to tie my shoes 488 00:23:44,959 --> 00:23:47,083 when I was like 11. 11! 489 00:23:47,166 --> 00:23:50,333 Like, I can't do anything! Do you realize that? 490 00:23:50,417 --> 00:23:52,959 I'm not some self-made boss-ass bitch like you. 491 00:23:53,041 --> 00:23:55,333 I am fucking useless! 492 00:24:00,333 --> 00:24:02,166 (shaky breathing) 493 00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:06,083 Like, if you put a book in front of me, 494 00:24:06,166 --> 00:24:08,333 I'm gonna read it. If you give me an essay, 495 00:24:08,417 --> 00:24:11,125 I'll fucking write it. But ask me what side of the car 496 00:24:11,208 --> 00:24:14,583 my gas tank is on, I have no idea! 497 00:24:14,667 --> 00:24:16,792 My dad takes it and fills it up at the dealership 498 00:24:16,875 --> 00:24:18,417 whenever it gets low. Like, 499 00:24:18,500 --> 00:24:21,583 I am a joke! Do you realize that? 500 00:24:21,667 --> 00:24:25,125 These hands, they honestly do not do shit! 501 00:24:25,208 --> 00:24:26,458 But up here? 502 00:24:26,542 --> 00:24:28,959 I mean, of course, like, I have some 503 00:24:29,041 --> 00:24:30,917 hopeful dream towards my future. 504 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:32,875 At least it's one where I can actually 505 00:24:32,959 --> 00:24:34,166 do something! 506 00:24:34,250 --> 00:24:36,542 If not, I'm just sitting in my dorm room at Berkeley, 507 00:24:36,625 --> 00:24:38,500 texting my girlfriend in code, 508 00:24:38,583 --> 00:24:41,250 while my grandma is off in the communal living area, 509 00:24:41,333 --> 00:24:44,875 making Top Ramen for us, and if that's the fucking case... 510 00:24:45,792 --> 00:24:48,208 Dr. Taylor, then I'd rather die! 511 00:24:52,792 --> 00:24:53,917 (quiet exhale) 512 00:24:58,917 --> 00:25:01,125 Thank you for telling me that. 513 00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:11,083 ♪ ♪ 514 00:25:37,542 --> 00:25:40,625 ♪ ♪ 515 00:26:07,542 --> 00:26:10,625 ♪ ♪ 516 00:26:26,834 --> 00:26:28,208 ♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYS) ♪ 517 00:26:28,542 --> 00:26:32,125 You think that girl... think she'll be okay? 518 00:26:32,667 --> 00:26:33,709 I hope so. 519 00:26:36,333 --> 00:26:37,333 Me too. 520 00:26:41,458 --> 00:26:42,834 What do you believe, Laila? 521 00:26:43,333 --> 00:26:45,500 I told you last week that things are... 522 00:26:46,500 --> 00:26:47,500 pretty much meaningless. 523 00:26:47,834 --> 00:26:49,417 You're brave to think about it though. 524 00:26:49,500 --> 00:26:51,166 Don't call me brave! I'm not brave! 525 00:26:51,458 --> 00:26:53,458 I'm like afraid all the time. 526 00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:56,875 BROOKE TAYLOR: Afraid of what? What's the big one? 527 00:26:57,291 --> 00:26:58,542 No more questions. 528 00:26:59,291 --> 00:27:01,041 BROOKE: I need to ask you one more. 529 00:27:02,792 --> 00:27:05,208 Are you thinking about suicide?