1 00:00:01,166 --> 00:00:02,583 I did something wrong, this is my punishment. 2 00:00:02,667 --> 00:00:03,458 I'm enduring it. 3 00:00:04,041 --> 00:00:06,000 And all these people are saying shit about me on the outside, 4 00:00:06,083 --> 00:00:07,625 and I can't do anything. 5 00:00:09,125 --> 00:00:11,333 So, you picked a fight with a man 6 00:00:11,417 --> 00:00:13,041 you described as a psycho. 7 00:00:13,125 --> 00:00:15,333 I didn't know he was gonna throw me over a railing. 8 00:00:15,625 --> 00:00:17,291 But it didn't matter what I did. 9 00:00:17,375 --> 00:00:19,500 The world had made up its mind about me. 10 00:00:19,875 --> 00:00:20,875 Not unlike you. 11 00:00:21,208 --> 00:00:23,083 What does it matter if I like you? 12 00:00:23,500 --> 00:00:26,000 I don't care if you like me! 13 00:00:26,083 --> 00:00:28,291 I care if you sign that form that says 14 00:00:28,375 --> 00:00:30,375 I can get the fuck on with my life! 15 00:00:30,458 --> 00:00:31,750 If I wanted to sit around talking about 16 00:00:31,834 --> 00:00:34,792 my fucking emotions all day, I'd still be married! 17 00:00:48,083 --> 00:00:50,583 On a scale of one to ten, how much are you dreading this? 18 00:00:50,667 --> 00:00:52,750 -(laughs) I'm not dreading this at all. -(chuckles) 19 00:00:52,834 --> 00:00:54,917 So, a one then. 20 00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:57,959 You know, I, uh, I wouldn't blame you if you were. 21 00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:01,750 -Can I get you some water? -Uh, yeah. 22 00:01:01,834 --> 00:01:03,500 Yeah, sure, that'd be great. 23 00:01:11,250 --> 00:01:12,375 (opens fridge) 24 00:01:13,333 --> 00:01:15,000 (grabs bottle) 25 00:01:16,417 --> 00:01:17,542 (shuts fridge) 26 00:01:18,667 --> 00:01:19,834 (sighs) 27 00:01:21,625 --> 00:01:23,000 (sighs) 28 00:01:27,917 --> 00:01:29,500 Um, I-I'm good here, 29 00:01:29,583 --> 00:01:31,542 if your back is still bothering you. 30 00:01:31,625 --> 00:01:33,166 Oh, I'm feeling better. Thank you. 31 00:01:33,250 --> 00:01:35,542 'Cause I, um, I do like this chair, 32 00:01:35,625 --> 00:01:37,417 if it's all the same to you. 33 00:01:39,542 --> 00:01:41,166 It's not. 34 00:01:42,250 --> 00:01:45,291 (light piano music playing) 35 00:01:45,375 --> 00:01:47,500 ♪ 36 00:02:01,625 --> 00:02:04,166 You know, I-I like that plant. 37 00:02:04,250 --> 00:02:05,667 I keep seeing it everywhere. 38 00:02:05,750 --> 00:02:09,458 There was one in the coffee place I went to this morning. 39 00:02:09,542 --> 00:02:12,250 -It's a fiddle-leaf fig. -Hm. 40 00:02:12,333 --> 00:02:14,583 When I'm back on my feet, 41 00:02:14,667 --> 00:02:17,041 I'm gonna get more into plants. 42 00:02:17,125 --> 00:02:19,166 I love caring for plants. 43 00:02:19,250 --> 00:02:20,750 Slows you down. 44 00:02:20,834 --> 00:02:22,667 They're on a completely different clock. 45 00:02:22,750 --> 00:02:25,500 Yeah, they mock us with their longevity. 46 00:02:25,583 --> 00:02:27,875 When we're gone, they'll all have a good laugh. 47 00:02:27,959 --> 00:02:31,333 -What do you mean? -Oh, you know. We all tried so hard, 48 00:02:31,417 --> 00:02:32,959 worried about so much, 49 00:02:33,041 --> 00:02:36,500 made plans, got mad at each other, and for what? 50 00:02:36,583 --> 00:02:38,625 You know, I saw a fight this morning. 51 00:02:38,709 --> 00:02:40,625 Two guys got into it 52 00:02:40,709 --> 00:02:42,959 over a-a parking spot. 53 00:02:43,041 --> 00:02:45,291 And, uh, speaking of silly grievances, 54 00:02:45,375 --> 00:02:46,917 um (clears throat)... 55 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:49,834 I wrote to that woman that I was telling you about. 56 00:02:49,917 --> 00:02:51,166 The, uh, tech writer? 57 00:02:51,250 --> 00:02:54,333 Yeah, I was thinking about her after our last session. 58 00:02:57,583 --> 00:03:00,083 -You're nervous, I can tell. -No. I... 59 00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:05,375 -What did you say to her? -Well, I-I went through a bunch of drafts, 60 00:03:05,458 --> 00:03:08,875 starting at the, you know, most juvenile, 61 00:03:08,959 --> 00:03:10,542 venomous, hate-filled version, 62 00:03:10,625 --> 00:03:14,041 and then, gradually, I got more and more conciliatory. 63 00:03:14,125 --> 00:03:16,125 -Where did you land? -I didn't send it. 64 00:03:16,792 --> 00:03:17,917 I just... 65 00:03:18,542 --> 00:03:19,583 I just... 66 00:03:19,667 --> 00:03:22,125 It was so unlikely to have any effect at all. 67 00:03:22,208 --> 00:03:24,625 You know, and ultimately, I realized I was trying 68 00:03:24,709 --> 00:03:28,166 to write something magnanimous that I didn't really believe. 69 00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:31,375 And the only reason I was trying to do that is 'cause I-I... 70 00:03:33,375 --> 00:03:35,083 I wanted to impress you. 71 00:03:35,166 --> 00:03:36,750 Me? 72 00:03:36,834 --> 00:03:39,542 Yes. I went through this whole exercise, 73 00:03:39,625 --> 00:03:41,625 so I'd be able to come in here and show you 74 00:03:41,709 --> 00:03:44,500 what a swell guy I really am. 75 00:03:45,500 --> 00:03:47,792 As it turns out, I am impressed. 76 00:03:47,875 --> 00:03:49,166 Hm. 77 00:03:49,250 --> 00:03:51,041 Sounds like you've taken an honest look 78 00:03:51,125 --> 00:03:53,709 at your motivations, and... 79 00:03:53,792 --> 00:03:57,000 I find that encouraging. 80 00:03:59,083 --> 00:04:01,417 And I'm glad that you didn't send it to her. 81 00:04:01,500 --> 00:04:03,083 Yeah, thanks. Me, too. 82 00:04:03,166 --> 00:04:04,583 Why do you think 83 00:04:04,667 --> 00:04:07,000 you were trying to impress me? 84 00:04:07,083 --> 00:04:09,625 Well, because the end of our last session, 85 00:04:09,709 --> 00:04:11,667 you said you didn't like me. 86 00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:16,291 I said it wasn't important for the work 87 00:04:16,375 --> 00:04:19,125 we do in here for me to like you. 88 00:04:19,208 --> 00:04:22,125 -You can hear how that sounds like you don't like me, right? -And you can understand 89 00:04:22,208 --> 00:04:24,792 how it's different from what it sounds like? 90 00:04:24,875 --> 00:04:28,458 Okay, so it doesn't matter that you like me for our work. 91 00:04:28,542 --> 00:04:30,291 But to me, it does! 92 00:04:30,375 --> 00:04:32,291 I don't know what that says about me. 93 00:04:32,375 --> 00:04:34,208 I look forward to you telling me at some point, 94 00:04:34,291 --> 00:04:36,583 but it is what it is, and... 95 00:04:36,667 --> 00:04:39,000 (sighs) I just... 96 00:04:39,083 --> 00:04:43,291 -I-I need you to like me. -Okay. 97 00:04:43,375 --> 00:04:45,875 I recognize that self-reflection, and I will 98 00:04:45,959 --> 00:04:48,333 -be open to it. To... -To what? 99 00:04:49,458 --> 00:04:51,083 To liking you. 100 00:04:51,834 --> 00:04:54,417 Such a dick. 101 00:04:54,500 --> 00:04:56,166 (laughs) 102 00:04:56,250 --> 00:05:00,750 -We both like plants. We're halfway there. -(both laugh) 103 00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:04,333 So, in writing the letter and deciding not to send it, 104 00:05:04,417 --> 00:05:06,625 do you think this is something 105 00:05:06,709 --> 00:05:09,000 -you've put to bed? -(sighs) 106 00:05:09,083 --> 00:05:11,250 Do you know what? I-I don't wanna think about her. 107 00:05:11,333 --> 00:05:13,083 Her time will come, she'll slip up, 108 00:05:13,166 --> 00:05:16,000 the world will turn on her. 109 00:05:16,083 --> 00:05:18,959 I'll sit quietly by, sipping a piping hot cup of 110 00:05:19,041 --> 00:05:20,625 go-fuck-yourself. 111 00:05:20,709 --> 00:05:23,625 But until then, I just wanna put her out of my mind. 112 00:05:23,709 --> 00:05:26,333 Okay. Rooting for another person's public demise 113 00:05:26,417 --> 00:05:28,375 isn't great, but we only have so much time, 114 00:05:28,458 --> 00:05:31,208 so I'm happy to move on to another subject. 115 00:05:31,291 --> 00:05:33,208 Ah. Great. Like what? 116 00:05:33,291 --> 00:05:34,792 Like you. 117 00:05:34,875 --> 00:05:36,959 Oh, right. 118 00:05:37,792 --> 00:05:40,417 (sighs) Well, let's see. 119 00:05:40,500 --> 00:05:43,917 Plants. I love 'em, but we covered that. 120 00:05:44,750 --> 00:05:47,041 Uh... 121 00:05:47,125 --> 00:05:49,375 -I love being outdoors. -Now we're getting somewhere. 122 00:05:49,458 --> 00:05:52,917 (laughs) Yeah, I grew up running around the woods, 123 00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:56,875 knee-deep in mud, bare-ass naked most of the time. 124 00:05:56,959 --> 00:05:58,667 Our house was on Greenvale Road, 125 00:05:58,750 --> 00:06:00,333 right on the San Lorenzo River. 126 00:06:00,417 --> 00:06:02,917 That's where my parents got the name. And I-I just loved-- 127 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:04,792 Where-where your parents got the name? 128 00:06:04,875 --> 00:06:05,875 For their company? 129 00:06:05,959 --> 00:06:07,709 -Greenvale Foods. -Are they the ones 130 00:06:07,792 --> 00:06:09,208 who make the little cranberry crackers? 131 00:06:09,291 --> 00:06:12,583 -Among other things. -Oh, I love those! 132 00:06:12,667 --> 00:06:15,000 I think I have some of those in my pantry right now. 133 00:06:15,083 --> 00:06:17,917 -Yeah. We all do, Brooke. -(laughs) 134 00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:20,417 -And are they still doing that or-- -Oh no. 135 00:06:20,500 --> 00:06:22,583 No, they're super dead. 136 00:06:22,667 --> 00:06:25,250 But yeah, yeah. Started off making granola 137 00:06:25,333 --> 00:06:27,375 in that rambling little shack on the river, 138 00:06:27,458 --> 00:06:29,166 turned it into a giant thing. 139 00:06:29,250 --> 00:06:31,583 Every health food store in the country. 140 00:06:31,667 --> 00:06:33,875 -Were you close? -Mm, yeah. 141 00:06:33,959 --> 00:06:35,208 I mean, 142 00:06:35,291 --> 00:06:36,750 you know, "yeah." 143 00:06:36,834 --> 00:06:38,458 They were very busy people. 144 00:06:38,542 --> 00:06:40,750 Oh. Busy parents are a good thing 145 00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:42,250 from a therapist standpoint. 146 00:06:42,333 --> 00:06:43,542 Hm. Yeah? 147 00:06:43,625 --> 00:06:45,625 Much easier to untangle busy parents 148 00:06:45,709 --> 00:06:47,542 than overly attentive ones, 149 00:06:47,625 --> 00:06:51,250 depending on what they were doing. If they were busy... 150 00:06:51,333 --> 00:06:52,417 doing cocaine, 151 00:06:52,500 --> 00:06:54,542 -that's bad. -Mm. 152 00:06:56,166 --> 00:06:57,625 When did they pass? 153 00:06:57,709 --> 00:06:59,583 Um... 154 00:06:59,667 --> 00:07:02,041 It's 10 years ago, about. 155 00:07:02,125 --> 00:07:03,542 Wow. 156 00:07:03,625 --> 00:07:06,792 Yeah, it's coming up on 10 years. 157 00:07:06,875 --> 00:07:09,208 Huh. They were going 158 00:07:09,291 --> 00:07:12,208 to a consortium way out in Alaska. 159 00:07:12,291 --> 00:07:14,083 Eco-conscious business leaders. 160 00:07:14,166 --> 00:07:15,417 You know, 161 00:07:15,500 --> 00:07:17,083 titans kayaking together, 162 00:07:17,166 --> 00:07:20,500 and they were-- they were on a seaplane that crashed. 163 00:07:20,583 --> 00:07:21,834 Oh. That's terrible. 164 00:07:21,917 --> 00:07:23,500 Yeah. 165 00:07:23,583 --> 00:07:26,208 -I am so sorry. -Thank you. 166 00:07:26,291 --> 00:07:29,375 Yeah, they were always going on exotic trips. 167 00:07:29,458 --> 00:07:31,583 You know, but by the time I was 14 or 15, 168 00:07:31,667 --> 00:07:33,375 I didn't wanna go to Sri Lanka. 169 00:07:33,458 --> 00:07:36,166 I wanted to hang out with my friends. 170 00:07:36,250 --> 00:07:37,959 And so, they started traveling without me. 171 00:07:38,041 --> 00:07:41,625 Oh, that was great. They'd be gone two or three weeks. 172 00:07:41,709 --> 00:07:43,333 I'd be livin' large. 173 00:07:43,417 --> 00:07:45,500 You know, eating Stouffer's mac and cheese, 174 00:07:45,583 --> 00:07:48,291 and sneaking into rock clubs every night. 175 00:07:48,375 --> 00:07:51,208 -Every kid's dream. -It was just 176 00:07:51,291 --> 00:07:53,500 so goddamn fun! 177 00:07:53,583 --> 00:07:55,500 You name the band, I saw them 178 00:07:55,583 --> 00:07:58,291 in a tiny, fuckin' sweaty, nasty club. 179 00:07:58,375 --> 00:08:00,125 And I mean everybody, 180 00:08:00,208 --> 00:08:03,208 and all before they were anything. 181 00:08:03,291 --> 00:08:05,458 Still friendly with some of those guys. 182 00:08:05,542 --> 00:08:07,208 Or, I was before. 183 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:13,500 So what, uh, what-what were you into? 184 00:08:13,583 --> 00:08:15,250 -Music-wise? -Mm-hmm. 185 00:08:15,333 --> 00:08:17,542 Whatever middle-of-the-road pop thing 186 00:08:17,625 --> 00:08:20,458 I could sneak past my father. 187 00:08:20,542 --> 00:08:23,542 My father was a jazz snob. (scoffs) 188 00:08:23,625 --> 00:08:25,333 He'd put on Thelonious Monk and be like, 189 00:08:25,417 --> 00:08:27,875 -"This is real music." -(laughs) 190 00:08:27,959 --> 00:08:29,917 (laughs) 191 00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:31,959 But I was in eighth grade 192 00:08:32,041 --> 00:08:35,583 -when the whole Dre and Snoop thing started. -Oh shit. 193 00:08:35,667 --> 00:08:37,959 Okay, now-now a picture's coming together. 194 00:08:38,041 --> 00:08:39,458 I don't even know if I liked it 195 00:08:39,542 --> 00:08:41,208 or if it was just what everyone was listening to-- 196 00:08:41,291 --> 00:08:44,750 Oh, isn't that crazy? Things we'll try to like? 197 00:08:44,834 --> 00:08:48,041 You know, I did that with Monk actually. Oh God... 198 00:08:48,125 --> 00:08:51,458 I even bought a stupid little hat to try to look like him, 199 00:08:51,542 --> 00:08:52,500 and it didn't work. 200 00:08:52,583 --> 00:08:55,000 -You don't say? -(laughs) 201 00:08:55,083 --> 00:08:58,041 Oh God, when I think about that, it was like... 202 00:08:58,125 --> 00:09:00,333 a performance. 203 00:09:00,417 --> 00:09:03,083 I just wanted those musicians who were cool 204 00:09:03,166 --> 00:09:05,417 and sophisticated... 205 00:09:05,500 --> 00:09:08,125 I wanted to be indistinguishable from them. 206 00:09:08,208 --> 00:09:10,250 I wanted an outsider to look at me 207 00:09:10,333 --> 00:09:12,166 and see something that, 208 00:09:12,250 --> 00:09:14,500 in retrospect, I just wasn't. 209 00:09:16,333 --> 00:09:18,000 Do you still do that? 210 00:09:18,834 --> 00:09:19,959 Yes. 211 00:09:21,583 --> 00:09:25,166 Maybe. God, I don't know. 212 00:09:25,250 --> 00:09:29,333 I'd hate to think I haven't gotten any closer to an authentic self. 213 00:09:29,417 --> 00:09:31,667 I no longer listen to music that I hate, 214 00:09:31,750 --> 00:09:33,500 which is good. 215 00:09:33,583 --> 00:09:35,083 Don't you love that feeling when you 216 00:09:35,166 --> 00:09:37,083 admit to yourself that you just don't like something 217 00:09:37,166 --> 00:09:39,583 that you know you're supposed to like? 218 00:09:39,667 --> 00:09:41,500 I think it's because, like... 219 00:09:41,583 --> 00:09:43,458 like you were saying, 220 00:09:43,542 --> 00:09:46,000 you can feel yourself taking a teeny, tiny step 221 00:09:46,083 --> 00:09:48,291 towards your authentic self. 222 00:09:48,375 --> 00:09:52,000 Yeah. I mean, look, do I-- do I really like plants? 223 00:09:52,083 --> 00:09:54,166 I mean, I like plants. Who doesn't like plants? 224 00:09:54,250 --> 00:09:55,959 But do I wanna learn about plants 225 00:09:56,041 --> 00:09:57,709 or care for plants or... 226 00:09:57,792 --> 00:10:00,500 do I just wanna be the kind of person who would... 227 00:10:00,583 --> 00:10:02,291 you know, like plants? 228 00:10:02,375 --> 00:10:04,834 That makes me think of the tech writer. 229 00:10:04,917 --> 00:10:08,041 Wanting people to have a certain idea of you. 230 00:10:08,750 --> 00:10:10,041 Hm. 231 00:10:11,542 --> 00:10:14,458 Wait a minute. Are we... are we doing therapy again? 232 00:10:14,542 --> 00:10:16,333 We always were. 233 00:10:19,083 --> 00:10:20,417 (laughs) 234 00:10:22,166 --> 00:10:24,291 I think you spend 235 00:10:24,375 --> 00:10:27,166 too much time in other people's heads. 236 00:10:27,250 --> 00:10:31,125 I think you make up stories, which is natural, but... 237 00:10:31,208 --> 00:10:33,500 you don't really know what people are thinking. 238 00:10:33,583 --> 00:10:36,083 And you certainly can't control what they think about you, 239 00:10:36,166 --> 00:10:38,250 or how they feel about you. 240 00:10:38,333 --> 00:10:41,333 I don't know about that. Sorta what I do. 241 00:10:41,417 --> 00:10:43,291 I mean, I just turned you around in 10 minutes. 242 00:10:43,375 --> 00:10:44,625 You fuckin' love me now. 243 00:10:44,709 --> 00:10:46,166 My feelings notwithstanding. 244 00:10:46,250 --> 00:10:48,917 -I knew it! -(both laugh) 245 00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:52,208 No one is liked by everyone. 246 00:10:52,291 --> 00:10:54,250 There have to be many people 247 00:10:54,333 --> 00:10:56,542 you haven't been able to charm. 248 00:10:57,125 --> 00:10:58,625 Mm... 249 00:10:58,709 --> 00:11:01,250 Well, Mr. Pineapple Juice. 250 00:11:02,917 --> 00:11:04,583 What about your ex-wife? 251 00:11:06,458 --> 00:11:08,000 Oh, you know, my ex-wife for one. 252 00:11:08,083 --> 00:11:11,792 -I was wondering when we'd get to her. -(laughs) 253 00:11:11,875 --> 00:11:13,792 (clears throat) Yeah, I charmed the fuck outta her, 254 00:11:13,875 --> 00:11:16,375 and then the charm faded. Hmm. 255 00:11:16,458 --> 00:11:18,041 Or, should I say, was extinguished 256 00:11:18,125 --> 00:11:21,041 by a swarm of FBI windbreakers 257 00:11:21,125 --> 00:11:23,667 storming our house and ruining our life. 258 00:11:23,750 --> 00:11:26,208 You mentioned her in passing last week. 259 00:11:26,291 --> 00:11:28,834 Seems like the bad blood is mutual? 260 00:11:30,458 --> 00:11:34,250 If that's how it sounded, that was a defense mechanism. 261 00:11:35,083 --> 00:11:36,625 It's just... 262 00:11:36,709 --> 00:11:38,792 it's too painful, I think. 263 00:11:40,291 --> 00:11:42,667 It's probably why I haven't brought it up. 264 00:11:43,709 --> 00:11:45,583 -What's her name? -Hannah. 265 00:11:45,667 --> 00:11:47,333 How'd you meet? 266 00:11:48,542 --> 00:11:51,375 This neighbor of mine was having a barbecue. 267 00:11:51,458 --> 00:11:53,417 Um, as I'm walking up to his place, 268 00:11:53,500 --> 00:11:57,000 this stunning woman was coming from the other direction. 269 00:11:57,583 --> 00:11:59,875 Just gorgeous. 270 00:11:59,959 --> 00:12:01,875 And we arrive at the gate at the same time 271 00:12:01,959 --> 00:12:03,333 and do that sort of stutter-step. 272 00:12:03,417 --> 00:12:05,125 You know, "Excuse me, excuse me," 273 00:12:05,208 --> 00:12:08,041 and it was like a current was running between us. 274 00:12:08,125 --> 00:12:10,083 It was like two... 275 00:12:10,166 --> 00:12:12,208 intricate, interlocking pieces 276 00:12:12,291 --> 00:12:14,500 just found each other and went... 277 00:12:16,500 --> 00:12:18,709 -thwip. -Mm. 278 00:12:18,792 --> 00:12:21,834 And she moved in a week later. 279 00:12:21,917 --> 00:12:23,375 We were the... 280 00:12:23,458 --> 00:12:25,083 the king and queen of Venice Beach. 281 00:12:25,166 --> 00:12:26,834 We got married the next year, 282 00:12:26,917 --> 00:12:29,959 flew all of our friends down to a little hotel in Belize, 283 00:12:30,041 --> 00:12:31,917 took over the whole joint. 284 00:12:32,041 --> 00:12:35,333 We were having so much fun, we ended up staying two weeks. 285 00:12:35,875 --> 00:12:37,125 All of us. 286 00:12:37,208 --> 00:12:39,291 It was like we were the axis of a... 287 00:12:39,375 --> 00:12:41,458 whole social ecosystem. 288 00:12:41,542 --> 00:12:44,333 You know, um, musicians and artists 289 00:12:44,417 --> 00:12:46,792 and-and-and entrepreneurs. 290 00:12:46,875 --> 00:12:49,917 This big Venn diagram of amazing people, 291 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,917 and we were right at the center. 292 00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:54,458 And it wasn't like we weren't tested. 293 00:12:54,542 --> 00:12:56,125 You know, some couples, they... 294 00:12:56,208 --> 00:12:57,875 First rainy day, they realize 295 00:12:57,959 --> 00:13:00,583 they can't fucking stand each other. Not us. 296 00:13:00,667 --> 00:13:02,458 And how did you respond to the rainy days? 297 00:13:02,542 --> 00:13:04,750 We rode it the fuck out. 298 00:13:04,834 --> 00:13:07,083 You know, I was, uh, 40 when we met. 299 00:13:07,166 --> 00:13:09,083 I figured kids weren't in the cards, 300 00:13:09,166 --> 00:13:11,000 but she, that's what she wanted, 301 00:13:11,083 --> 00:13:13,333 and I was on board, but... 302 00:13:14,875 --> 00:13:17,917 Um, didn't work out for her. 303 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:19,208 You know, she was... 304 00:13:21,834 --> 00:13:23,792 It just wasn't happening. 305 00:13:23,875 --> 00:13:26,500 I've seen a lot of couples go through that. 306 00:13:26,583 --> 00:13:29,458 -It can be brutal. -Yeah. And she was... 307 00:13:29,542 --> 00:13:31,250 You know, you took one look at this woman, 308 00:13:31,333 --> 00:13:34,917 and you are like, wow, this is fertility personified. 309 00:13:36,083 --> 00:13:38,166 I mean, she was 29 years old, 310 00:13:38,250 --> 00:13:41,500 life just pouring out of her. 311 00:13:41,583 --> 00:13:43,917 -Like a ripe peach. -And how did you 312 00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:46,458 process the disappointment? 313 00:13:46,542 --> 00:13:47,750 We didn't at first. 314 00:13:47,834 --> 00:13:50,417 -First, we tried everything. -IVF? 315 00:13:50,500 --> 00:13:52,333 Uh, everything short of that. 316 00:13:52,417 --> 00:13:54,500 Hannah didn't wanna do anything that was 317 00:13:54,583 --> 00:13:57,583 in conflict with "the natural world." 318 00:13:57,667 --> 00:13:59,500 And I certainly wasn't gonna fight her on it, 319 00:13:59,583 --> 00:14:03,166 but we did try various sound baths. 320 00:14:04,250 --> 00:14:05,834 Acupuncture. 321 00:14:05,917 --> 00:14:07,542 We visited energy vortexes, 322 00:14:07,625 --> 00:14:10,625 and if you've never fucked outdoors in Sedona 323 00:14:10,709 --> 00:14:13,333 under a full moon, it is a good time. 324 00:14:14,458 --> 00:14:16,375 Though tragically ineffective. 325 00:14:16,458 --> 00:14:20,041 Qigong, crystals, you name it. 326 00:14:20,125 --> 00:14:23,250 -I'm sorry. That must've been difficult. -Yeah. 327 00:14:24,333 --> 00:14:26,667 Yeah, our plans changed, but... (sighs) 328 00:14:26,750 --> 00:14:29,667 You know, we were still happy, goddammit. 329 00:14:29,750 --> 00:14:31,333 Until... 330 00:14:33,333 --> 00:14:35,291 -Your arrest. -Yeah. 331 00:14:38,250 --> 00:14:40,625 Whatever connection she felt to me, 332 00:14:41,625 --> 00:14:44,000 it was cauterized in an instant. 333 00:14:47,291 --> 00:14:49,417 It's been one of the toughest lessons of this whole thing. 334 00:14:49,500 --> 00:14:52,000 These moments reveal people and, you know... 335 00:14:57,583 --> 00:14:59,834 who you can trust. 336 00:14:59,917 --> 00:15:01,500 Who cares about you. 337 00:15:01,583 --> 00:15:04,125 Who cares about the status and the money 338 00:15:04,208 --> 00:15:06,333 and the fancy friends 339 00:15:06,417 --> 00:15:08,583 and the proximity to success. 340 00:15:08,667 --> 00:15:11,250 You know, who's drawn to the-the glow of achievement. 341 00:15:11,333 --> 00:15:13,917 I never, ever thought that was her. 342 00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:15,333 Not in a million years, 343 00:15:15,417 --> 00:15:16,959 but, boy, when the shit hits the fan, 344 00:15:17,041 --> 00:15:19,583 -that's when you really meet people. -You felt betrayed? 345 00:15:19,667 --> 00:15:21,834 Oh, fucking-A, right. 346 00:15:24,125 --> 00:15:26,250 (sighs) But, 347 00:15:27,333 --> 00:15:30,834 these things, they're co-created. 348 00:15:30,917 --> 00:15:33,500 You know, she looked at me a certain way when we met, 349 00:15:33,583 --> 00:15:35,542 and I could see what she saw. 350 00:15:35,625 --> 00:15:37,709 She saw an impressive person. 351 00:15:37,792 --> 00:15:39,875 And I never wanted her to stop looking at me that way. 352 00:15:39,959 --> 00:15:43,041 I would do anything. (laughs) 353 00:15:43,125 --> 00:15:45,375 I think that was maybe the first clue that, 354 00:15:45,458 --> 00:15:47,250 you know, to keep her looking at me that way, 355 00:15:47,333 --> 00:15:49,208 I had to keep growing, keep achieving, 356 00:15:49,291 --> 00:15:51,792 becoming a-a grander and grander success, 357 00:15:51,875 --> 00:15:54,458 so I just cut some corners. 358 00:15:54,542 --> 00:15:55,875 I know that sounds dismissive. 359 00:15:55,959 --> 00:15:57,583 I did a lot more than cut corners. 360 00:15:57,667 --> 00:15:59,667 I-I lied. Even if I... 361 00:16:01,500 --> 00:16:03,250 We don't need to get into it. 362 00:16:04,458 --> 00:16:07,083 Do you know, when I think about it... 363 00:16:08,834 --> 00:16:10,959 it was always, 364 00:16:11,041 --> 00:16:13,208 always about Hannah. 365 00:16:14,250 --> 00:16:16,667 And when I was arrested, 366 00:16:16,750 --> 00:16:19,500 I mean, the moment it happened, 367 00:16:19,583 --> 00:16:21,750 I looked at her, and she was... 368 00:16:25,792 --> 00:16:28,125 gone. 369 00:16:28,208 --> 00:16:30,834 (sighs) That look in her eyes, it... 370 00:16:30,917 --> 00:16:33,583 it vanished. And I knew... 371 00:16:34,667 --> 00:16:35,792 This sounds like 372 00:16:35,875 --> 00:16:37,750 more of being in someone else's head. 373 00:16:37,834 --> 00:16:39,625 Well, when you're as close as we were, 374 00:16:39,709 --> 00:16:41,166 the line gets very blurry. 375 00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:43,125 Where one head ends, the other begins. 376 00:16:43,208 --> 00:16:46,208 I'm not saying you're wrong. It's just that it's a guess. 377 00:16:46,291 --> 00:16:48,959 (sighs) Look, I'm wrong about a lot of shit. 378 00:16:49,959 --> 00:16:51,625 I'm right about this. 379 00:16:54,542 --> 00:16:56,709 Sounds like, uh... 380 00:16:56,792 --> 00:16:58,959 you had a lot of impressive friends. 381 00:16:59,625 --> 00:17:01,333 Yeah. 382 00:17:01,417 --> 00:17:04,125 I could give you a list, but that would be tacky. 383 00:17:04,208 --> 00:17:06,667 Luminaries and household names. 384 00:17:08,458 --> 00:17:11,917 In the handful of times I've been around someone like that, 385 00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:15,917 I've been shocked at how flustered I get. 386 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:17,709 (chuckles) How excited. 387 00:17:17,792 --> 00:17:20,166 -Sure. Yeah. -Is that how Hannah was? 388 00:17:20,250 --> 00:17:23,709 -Sort of starstruck? -Oh, no, no, no. She was so cool. 389 00:17:23,792 --> 00:17:26,792 Not that you're... there's anything uncool about-- 390 00:17:26,875 --> 00:17:29,041 She just-- it-it didn't faze her. 391 00:17:29,125 --> 00:17:30,667 Did she ever develop feelings 392 00:17:30,750 --> 00:17:32,583 for one of your impressive friends? 393 00:17:32,667 --> 00:17:35,709 -What do you mean? -Well, did you get the sense that she was... 394 00:17:36,458 --> 00:17:38,208 -Cheating on me? -No. 395 00:17:39,166 --> 00:17:40,792 Just... 396 00:17:40,875 --> 00:17:44,625 -a crush? An infatuation? -No. 397 00:17:44,709 --> 00:17:47,083 So even when the biggest, 398 00:17:47,166 --> 00:17:49,917 coolest name on your tacky list, even when they came in the room, 399 00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:53,375 -she always focused on you? -We were all about each other. 400 00:17:53,458 --> 00:17:56,250 Maybe she wasn't enamored by the status then. 401 00:17:56,333 --> 00:17:59,041 Maybe she fell in love with the person, with you. 402 00:18:00,375 --> 00:18:02,917 Let's, just for a second, let's say 403 00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:04,750 that she did love you. 404 00:18:04,834 --> 00:18:06,333 Not the status, 405 00:18:06,417 --> 00:18:09,834 not the bells and whistles. 406 00:18:09,917 --> 00:18:14,625 Well in that case, loss of status wouldn't be a reason to leave. 407 00:18:14,709 --> 00:18:18,500 -Right. -Well, what possible reason would she have then? 408 00:18:20,834 --> 00:18:22,834 Really rack your brain. 409 00:18:24,375 --> 00:18:26,125 You mean, like, 410 00:18:26,208 --> 00:18:28,458 that I was lying 411 00:18:28,542 --> 00:18:31,166 to her for several years 412 00:18:31,250 --> 00:18:33,375 about many things. 413 00:18:45,125 --> 00:18:47,417 Yeah, I suppose that could be it. 414 00:18:53,041 --> 00:18:55,917 Yeah. (scoffs) That could be it. 415 00:19:09,166 --> 00:19:10,750 You okay? 416 00:19:13,375 --> 00:19:15,083 Just every now and then, it... 417 00:19:15,792 --> 00:19:17,417 it hits me... 418 00:19:18,834 --> 00:19:20,625 just how thoroughly I've... 419 00:19:23,250 --> 00:19:24,375 (sighs) 420 00:19:25,834 --> 00:19:27,542 Do you see what we just did? 421 00:19:29,542 --> 00:19:32,375 We changed what was in her head, 422 00:19:32,458 --> 00:19:34,542 and the reason we were able to do that 423 00:19:34,625 --> 00:19:38,083 is because it wasn't in her head. 424 00:19:38,834 --> 00:19:41,333 It was in yours. 425 00:19:41,417 --> 00:19:44,166 If she leaves because of status, that protects you. 426 00:19:44,250 --> 00:19:46,834 If she leaves because of your behavior, 427 00:19:46,917 --> 00:19:50,000 that exposes you, and one of those two things 428 00:19:50,083 --> 00:19:53,083 is more comfortable to live with than the other. 429 00:19:55,083 --> 00:19:58,458 See, the stories you create aren't truth. 430 00:19:58,542 --> 00:20:02,458 But they can help to understand things about yourself. 431 00:20:04,667 --> 00:20:06,917 But how do you get to the truth? 432 00:20:07,959 --> 00:20:09,542 I mean, how do you... 433 00:20:09,625 --> 00:20:11,959 know what's actually going on 434 00:20:12,041 --> 00:20:15,041 -in another person's head? -You have to ask them. 435 00:20:15,125 --> 00:20:18,792 And when they ask you, you have to answer honestly. 436 00:20:29,208 --> 00:20:30,917 Wow, is it me, 437 00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:33,041 or are we getting somewhere? 438 00:20:33,125 --> 00:20:35,750 (laughs) Seriously, 439 00:20:35,834 --> 00:20:38,041 we-we-we got a groove going. 440 00:20:38,125 --> 00:20:40,250 (laughs) Therapy's popular for a reason. 441 00:20:40,333 --> 00:20:43,083 You know what it's like? 442 00:20:43,166 --> 00:20:45,166 Like Monk and Coltrane trading fours. 443 00:20:45,250 --> 00:20:48,208 -Jazz is boring. This is way more fun. -(laughs) 444 00:20:48,291 --> 00:20:52,125 It is! Oh! It's exciting! 445 00:20:52,208 --> 00:20:53,792 It's-it's sad, also, 446 00:20:53,875 --> 00:20:56,792 because the big takeaway here is I am a piece of shit. 447 00:20:56,875 --> 00:21:00,375 That's not what we've arrived at. 448 00:21:00,458 --> 00:21:02,458 I-I'm kidding sort of, somewhat kidding, 449 00:21:02,542 --> 00:21:04,250 -moderately serious. -(laughs) 450 00:21:04,333 --> 00:21:07,166 What's your communication been like with her? 451 00:21:07,250 --> 00:21:09,333 I tried at first, 452 00:21:09,417 --> 00:21:11,000 but she didn't wanna hear from me. 453 00:21:11,083 --> 00:21:12,291 And since you've been out? 454 00:21:12,375 --> 00:21:14,959 I don't even have a working number for her. 455 00:21:15,041 --> 00:21:16,709 I asked a mutual friend, 456 00:21:16,792 --> 00:21:20,208 but she, "didn't feel comfortable sharing it with me." 457 00:21:20,291 --> 00:21:21,959 Which is infuriating and insane, 458 00:21:22,041 --> 00:21:24,125 but fine. Whatever, whatever. 459 00:21:24,208 --> 00:21:26,583 Were you hoping to reconcile? 460 00:21:27,542 --> 00:21:29,458 Uh, no. 461 00:21:29,542 --> 00:21:32,625 I mean, I don't see that as likely, 462 00:21:32,709 --> 00:21:36,000 but I would be lying if I said I didn't think about it. 463 00:21:36,083 --> 00:21:39,166 It's so frustrating because I think if she could just... 464 00:21:39,250 --> 00:21:42,333 see me. If she could see the work we were doing, 465 00:21:42,417 --> 00:21:45,500 I think she might be proud of me. 466 00:21:45,583 --> 00:21:47,000 I don't know if it'd be enough, 467 00:21:47,083 --> 00:21:49,458 but I think she'd be happy that I'm, I'm... 468 00:21:49,542 --> 00:21:51,500 slowly, and with a... 469 00:21:51,583 --> 00:21:53,375 occasional emotional outburst, 470 00:21:53,458 --> 00:21:55,583 figuring it out. 471 00:21:55,667 --> 00:21:57,333 Maybe she would, maybe she wouldn't. 472 00:21:57,417 --> 00:22:01,166 -But maybe she would. -The work we do in here isn't about another person. 473 00:22:01,250 --> 00:22:03,583 It's about you. 474 00:22:03,667 --> 00:22:07,625 Well, I mean, come on, Doctor. 475 00:22:07,709 --> 00:22:09,750 It's kind of about you, too. 476 00:22:09,834 --> 00:22:12,041 (scoffs) What do you mean? 477 00:22:13,500 --> 00:22:16,208 It's about convincing you. 478 00:22:16,291 --> 00:22:18,333 (clears throat) Or you being 479 00:22:18,417 --> 00:22:20,667 sufficiently convinced that I'm not a danger 480 00:22:20,750 --> 00:22:22,417 to myself. That I'm on... 481 00:22:22,500 --> 00:22:24,041 the journey to rehabilitation, 482 00:22:24,125 --> 00:22:27,417 and the journey will continue unimpeded, if I remain free. 483 00:22:27,500 --> 00:22:29,250 -(laughs) -I mean, 484 00:22:29,333 --> 00:22:32,750 you-you're asking me not to live in other people's heads? 485 00:22:32,834 --> 00:22:35,208 When whatever's in your head decides whether or not 486 00:22:35,291 --> 00:22:37,375 I'm remanded to a federal penitentiary. 487 00:22:37,458 --> 00:22:39,083 Well, I assure you 488 00:22:39,166 --> 00:22:42,542 the object of therapy isn't to win over the therapist. 489 00:22:42,625 --> 00:22:44,792 Except in this particular case. 490 00:22:47,625 --> 00:22:49,375 Come on, be honest. 491 00:22:49,458 --> 00:22:51,375 It isn't. 492 00:22:51,458 --> 00:22:54,458 I'm only here to help you. 493 00:22:54,542 --> 00:22:58,333 So, if I told you I did write to that woman, that tech fuck, 494 00:22:59,125 --> 00:23:01,125 told her to rot in Hell, 495 00:23:01,208 --> 00:23:04,083 get fucked by a thousand fire-horned demons, 496 00:23:04,166 --> 00:23:05,583 that wouldn't affect my standing? 497 00:23:05,667 --> 00:23:07,500 Did you do that? 498 00:23:08,709 --> 00:23:10,500 It's just a hypothetical. 499 00:23:10,583 --> 00:23:12,417 I would find it disturbing, 500 00:23:12,500 --> 00:23:14,583 but there's a lot of area between that extreme 501 00:23:14,667 --> 00:23:16,291 and where you seem to be. 502 00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:19,917 But if I told you that, 503 00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:21,291 I would be going back to jail. 504 00:23:21,375 --> 00:23:24,625 I would have to dig into it and ask many, 505 00:23:24,709 --> 00:23:27,542 many follow-up questions. 506 00:23:32,875 --> 00:23:35,500 Well, I didn't. Write to her, I mean. 507 00:23:35,583 --> 00:23:36,792 I'm glad. 508 00:23:36,875 --> 00:23:38,625 A-- Why do you believe me? 509 00:23:38,709 --> 00:23:41,709 I have to take what you say at face value. 510 00:23:41,792 --> 00:23:44,083 Honesty is all you can offer another person. 511 00:23:44,166 --> 00:23:47,458 If you give them honesty, and they don't respond in kind, 512 00:23:47,542 --> 00:23:49,875 that's on them. 513 00:23:56,041 --> 00:23:57,542 Okay. 514 00:24:02,291 --> 00:24:03,917 Colin, what was that? 515 00:24:06,041 --> 00:24:08,875 We were having what I thought was a lovely session. 516 00:24:08,959 --> 00:24:10,375 I don't know. Sometimes, I feel the need 517 00:24:10,458 --> 00:24:12,291 to push back on some of what you're telling me. 518 00:24:12,375 --> 00:24:14,875 -You should resist that impulse. -What, you don't like being tested? 519 00:24:14,959 --> 00:24:16,875 I don't like to punch down. 520 00:24:17,834 --> 00:24:20,583 Oh! (laughs) Holy shit! 521 00:24:20,667 --> 00:24:23,291 All right! Uncle! 522 00:24:23,375 --> 00:24:24,959 (clears throat) I surrender! 523 00:24:25,041 --> 00:24:27,417 That was fuckin' awesome! 524 00:24:27,500 --> 00:24:31,166 I-I just like to mix it up with you. I'm sorry. 525 00:24:31,250 --> 00:24:33,667 -Truce? Huh. -Sure. 526 00:24:33,750 --> 00:24:36,625 I did just pour my heart out. 527 00:24:36,709 --> 00:24:38,166 Maybe I was feeling a little naked, 528 00:24:38,250 --> 00:24:40,166 -vulnerable. -You have to stop playing chess. 529 00:24:40,250 --> 00:24:44,000 You have to stop zooming out 30,000 feet. 530 00:24:44,083 --> 00:24:46,750 Be in the room with me, up close. 531 00:24:49,250 --> 00:24:50,375 I... 532 00:24:52,417 --> 00:24:54,417 Colin, did you write to that woman? 533 00:25:00,834 --> 00:25:02,542 -No! -(scoffs) Oh, geez! 534 00:25:02,625 --> 00:25:05,667 I am telling you, bro, you... ah! 535 00:25:05,750 --> 00:25:09,041 -You push me. -Ah, it's good to be pushed. 536 00:25:09,125 --> 00:25:11,625 You push me, too. I'm better for it. 537 00:25:12,959 --> 00:25:16,208 The letter you wrote, your unsent vitriol. 538 00:25:16,291 --> 00:25:20,166 Is it possible those were things you wanted to say to Hannah? 539 00:25:23,834 --> 00:25:26,000 I love Hannah. 540 00:25:33,250 --> 00:25:36,083 I'm really sorry that I got all... 541 00:25:36,166 --> 00:25:38,125 I-I-I was an asshole for a second there. 542 00:25:38,208 --> 00:25:41,291 -I... Fish gotta swim, right? -I forgive you. 543 00:25:42,959 --> 00:25:45,083 (sighs) 544 00:25:45,166 --> 00:25:47,000 Can't believe we only have one more session. 545 00:25:47,083 --> 00:25:49,208 That is-- that is if you sign off. 546 00:25:49,291 --> 00:25:51,959 (laughs) Let's see what happens next week. 547 00:25:52,041 --> 00:25:53,166 (chuckling exhale) 548 00:25:56,834 --> 00:25:57,959 But... 549 00:25:59,333 --> 00:26:01,000 You-you do like me, 550 00:26:01,750 --> 00:26:03,250 right? 551 00:26:03,333 --> 00:26:06,083 Pain in the ass stuff aside? 552 00:26:06,166 --> 00:26:09,250 I like the therapeutic challenge you pose. 553 00:26:09,333 --> 00:26:10,667 (quiet laugh) 554 00:26:13,917 --> 00:26:17,625 -That feels like a good place to leave it for today. -(clears throat) 555 00:26:19,792 --> 00:26:21,375 You know, 556 00:26:21,458 --> 00:26:24,291 I think I'm going to write Hannah. 557 00:26:24,375 --> 00:26:26,375 -Send her an email. -Oh. 558 00:26:26,458 --> 00:26:28,417 -What are you gonna say to her? -Uh, 559 00:26:28,500 --> 00:26:32,458 -tell her what's going on in my life, see how she's doing. -Hm. 560 00:26:32,542 --> 00:26:34,792 I wish she could meet you, see that 561 00:26:34,875 --> 00:26:36,333 a reputable human being likes me. 562 00:26:36,417 --> 00:26:39,083 -"Reputable human being?" You're gonna make me blush. -(laughs) 563 00:26:39,166 --> 00:26:41,041 Well, she might look at me differently. 564 00:26:41,125 --> 00:26:44,291 I don't like being used as a prop. 565 00:26:44,375 --> 00:26:46,709 Oh yeah. No, of course. 566 00:26:46,792 --> 00:26:50,333 She'd like you is all. She'd talk to you. 567 00:26:50,417 --> 00:26:53,083 Well, if down the road, you want my help communicating with her, 568 00:26:53,166 --> 00:26:55,625 Hannah would have to be on board, obviously. 569 00:26:55,709 --> 00:26:57,333 So I could invite her? 570 00:26:58,000 --> 00:26:59,083 For next week? 571 00:26:59,166 --> 00:27:01,250 -When I write to her. -That's our last session. 572 00:27:01,333 --> 00:27:03,375 -Let's just focus on you. -Hey, this is... 573 00:27:04,458 --> 00:27:07,000 it's kind of a big thing for me though. 574 00:27:07,083 --> 00:27:08,834 You haven't spoken to her in four years, 575 00:27:08,917 --> 00:27:10,667 so let's just take it a step at a time... 576 00:27:10,750 --> 00:27:14,041 But if I do reach out and she is receptive-- 577 00:27:14,125 --> 00:27:15,750 The things you two have to unpack, 578 00:27:15,834 --> 00:27:18,625 -one session isn't-- -But I do have your permission... 579 00:27:20,083 --> 00:27:21,709 to invite her. 580 00:27:23,959 --> 00:27:26,291 You have my permission. 581 00:27:27,125 --> 00:27:28,250 (sighs) 582 00:27:29,917 --> 00:27:31,208 Thank you. 583 00:27:31,291 --> 00:27:34,375 ♪ ♪ 584 00:27:34,458 --> 00:27:36,083 (opens door) 585 00:27:38,792 --> 00:27:40,417 (shuts door) 586 00:27:49,417 --> 00:27:52,583 ♪ ♪ 587 00:28:18,709 --> 00:28:21,792 ♪ ♪ 588 00:28:48,750 --> 00:28:51,834 ♪ ♪ 589 00:29:08,625 --> 00:29:10,000 If I seem overly blunt and a bit direct, 590 00:29:10,083 --> 00:29:12,458 it's because I want to get to the bottom of a few things. 591 00:29:13,250 --> 00:29:14,208 Okay. 592 00:29:14,417 --> 00:29:16,041 ♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYS) ♪ 593 00:29:16,625 --> 00:29:17,792 We talked about narratives. 594 00:29:18,041 --> 00:29:21,041 Yours was villifying Hannah to make yourself feel better. 595 00:29:21,125 --> 00:29:22,458 It leaves out a lot of nuance. 596 00:29:23,083 --> 00:29:24,709 BROOKE LAWRENCE: What about the other people in your life? 597 00:29:24,792 --> 00:29:26,041 No one else matters. 598 00:29:26,375 --> 00:29:27,291 Did you even invite her? 599 00:29:27,375 --> 00:29:28,875 Jesus, you're not listening to me. 600 00:29:29,875 --> 00:29:31,875 What would you say if she were here?