at the hospital for sick children. Tracy Hooper was given
the liver of a nine-year-old accident victim...
( phone ringing )
Hooper is in critical but stable condition--
such an operation.
Her condition will be monitored for 72 hours...
( machine beeps )
Paul, it's April.
I-- I got the test results.
I'd like to come in
for one last session.
I'll see you this afternoon.
APRIL?
( sighs )
( beeps )
Paul, it's April.
I-- I got the test results.
I'd like to come in
for one last session.
I'll see you this afternoon.
( machine beeps )
( theme music playing )
IT'S THE HAT, ISN'T IT?
IT LOOKS NICE.
IT LOOKS RIDICULOUS.
SO YOUR MESSAGE--
YOU GOT THE RESULTS?
AND IT ITCHES LIKE CRAZY.
YOU CAN TAKE IT OFF.
NO.
DANIEL GAVE IT TO ME.
OH.
I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT YOU TOLD HIM ABOUT--
I DIDN'T. MY MOTHER DID.
I WAS AFRAID TO.
AFRAID OF HOW HE MIGHT REACT?
I WAS AFRAID THAT HE WOULDN'T REACT.
I WAS AFRAID HE WOULD WALK AWAY
RATTLING OFF BASEBALL STATISTICS OR SOMETHING.
WHEN OUR DOG DIED,
HE DIDN'T SEEM TO NOTICE.
AND HE LOVED THAT DOG.
BUT THEN, LIKE, THREE MONTHS LATER
HE TURNED INTO THE KID FROM "THE EXORCIST"
AND STARTED TELLING EVERYONE HE MET
THAT THEY WERE GOING TO DIE.
DID SHE TELL HIM BEFORE OR AFTER THE TESTS CAME BACK?
RIGHT AFTERWARDS.
THEY CAME OVER. MY MOTHER BROUGHT ME A CAKE
AND DANIEL GAVE ME THIS HAT.
IT WAS LIKE MY BIRTHDAY.
SO ARE YOU SAYING YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO CELEBRATE?
IT'S WORKING.
THE MASS BEHIND MY SPINE IS SHRINKING.
SO THAT MEANS THE PROGNOSIS IS GOOD.
YES. YEAH.
WELL, THAT'S GREAT NEWS.
I'M JUST SO RELIEVED.
HOW DO YOU FEEL?
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU DON'T KNOW?
THAT'S NOT LIKE YOU.
YEAH, IT'S WEIRD.
WHEN THEY FIRST TOLD YOU, WERE YOU SURPRISED?
DID YOU BELIEVE THEM?
ARE YOU ALONE HERE?
YES.
BUT DON'T YOU HAVE CHILDREN?
YOU TOLD ME YOU HAVE CHILDREN.
I DO.
WHERE ARE THEY?
THEY LIVE WITH THEIR MOTHER.
SO YOU COULDN'T MAKE IT WORK EITHER,
AND YOU'RE A THERAPIST.
MAYBE THIS IS WHY THERAPISTS DON'T TALK
ABOUT THEIR PERSONAL LIVES.
KYLE AND SIENNA BROKE UP.
WHEN?
LAST WEEK, I GUESS.
HE TOOK ME OUT TO DINNER
AND HE GAVE ME THIS NECKLACE.
IT'S A WISHBONE OR SOMETHING
ON A SILK CHAIN,
WHICH IS APPARENTLY SUPPOSED TO BREAK.
AND WHEN IT DOES,
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO MAKE A WISH.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO WISH FOR?
WE WENT OUT FOR TWO YEARS AND HE NEVER GAVE ME ANY JEWELRY.
WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THAT?
I GUESS HE FEELS GUILTY.
THAT'S A POSSIBILITY.
YOU'LL PROBABLY TELL ME THAT HE CARES ABOUT ME
AND HE'S TRYING TO EXPRESS HIMSELF.
THAT'S ANOTHER POSSIBILITY.
IT'S TOO LATE.
WHY?
I'M GONE.
YOU MEAN
YOU'RE GONE BEYOND HIM EMOTIONALLY.
I MEAN THE GIRL HE LOVED--
THE GIRL HE THINKS HE LOVES--
SHE DOESN'T EXIST ANYMORE.
EVEN IF MY HAIR GROWS BACK AND I GO INTO REMISSION,
FROM NOW ON ANYBODY THAT I MEET--
I'M GONNA HAVE TO TELL THEM I HAD CANCER.
WHY?
BECAUSE IT'S TRUE.
SO ARE YOU SAYING
THAT YOUR CANCER HAS ERASED EVERYTHING THAT CAME BEFORE,
THAT YOUR OLD SELF IS JUST GONE?
I WAS SITTING ACROSS THE TABLE FROM KYLE
AND I KNEW I COULD TAKE HIM HOME WITH ME
EVEN NOW WITH NO HAIR.
I MISS HIM.
BUT THE IDEA OF GETTING INTO BED WITH HIM,
TAKING MY CLOTHES OFF
AND LETTING HIM GET CLOSE TO ME,
LETTING HIM--
IT'S DISGUSTING. I DON'T WANT IT EVER AGAIN.
THAT'S JUST WHAT YOU'RE FEELING NOW, APRIL. THAT WILL CHANGE.
WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOESN'T WANT SEX?
YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING? I'M DEAD. I'M GONE.
YOU'RE NOT GONE, APRIL.
YOU ARE RECOVERING.
AND YOU'VE ONLY GOT ENOUGH STRENGTH
FOR ONE THING RIGHT NOW, AND THAT'S TO GET BETTER.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
WHAT?
I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER HEARD YOU SAY THAT BEFORE.
CONSIDER IT A PARTING GIFT.
IS THAT YOUR WAY OF REMINDING ME
OF WHAT YOU SAID IN YOUR MESSAGE,
THAT YOU WANT THIS TO BE YOUR LAST SESSION?
YES.
AND PLEASE DON'T TRY TO CONVINCE ME TO STAY.
IT'S JUST THAT IT'S IMPORTANT FOR YOUR RECOVERY
TO TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE THAT'S GOING ON.
I DON'T WANT TO.
OF COURSE YOU DON'T WANT TO, BUT ISN'T THAT YOUR PATTERN, APRIL?
- STOP IT. - THAT'S WHAT WE'VE BEEN WORKING ON.
YOU'RE PUSHING ME AWAY.
JUST LET ME HELP YOU.
- I CAN'T. - OF COURSE YOU CAN.
WHAT I WANT TO DO IS I WANT TO SCHEDULE SOME MEETINGS
FOR YOUR PARENTS, BRING THEM INTO THERAPY.
MAYBE WE COULD BRING IN DANIEL--
STOP IT. I SAID NO.
- YOUR MOTHER AND DANI-- - STOP IT, YOU FUCKING ASSHOL.
IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
I HAD TO GO SCRATCH MY HEAD.
I'M SORRY.
NO APOLOGIES.
WHY DON'T I HAVE TO APOLOGIZE?
IS IT BECAUSE I'M SICK?
BECAUSE I'M YOUR THERAPIST.
SO WHAT, YOU'RE NOT A HUMAN BEING?
SOMEONE CALLS YOU A FUCKING ASSHOLE AND YOU DON'T CARE?
I TOLD YOU THE DAY WE MET
THAT I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO BE TAKING CARE OF MY FEELINGS.
WHAT'S THE POINT OF THERAPY THEN,
TEACHING PEOPLE TO BE SELF-OBSESSED?
DO YOU REALLY THINK I NEED MORE HELP IN THAT DEPARTMENT?
DO YOU WANT TO SIT DOWN?
I UNDERSTAND THAT MAYBE YOU REACTED
BECAUSE A PART OF YOU WANTS TO LEAVE,
BUT MAYBE YOU REACTED SO STRONGLY
BECAUSE WHILE PART OF YOU WANTS TO LEAVE,
ANOTHER PART OF YOU REALIZES THAT SOMETHING VALUABLE
IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING IN THIS ROOM.
I COULD BE A PERFECT PERSON.
I COULD REACH NIRVANA.
AND I COULD WAKE UP TOMORROW WITH A LUMP IN MY BREAST.
SO YOU'RE SAYING, WHAT IS THE POINT?
YES.
WHAT'S THE POINT?
( grunting )
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT OFF?
I DON'T WANT TO.
AND I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT WHY NOT,
OR WHY DANIEL GAVE ME THE WRONG HAT,
OR WHY I CAN'T LET YOU SEE ME BALD.
- I UNDERSTAND. - NO, YOU DON'T.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL.
WHEN?
LAST WEEK.
IS IT BECAUSE OF THE CHEMO?
BUT YOU ARE ALMOST DONE. DON'T YOU WANT TO GRADUATE?
I'M NEVER GONNA GET A JOB AS AN ARCHITECT ANYWAY.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
YOU SAW MY WORK. IT'S SHIT.
I DON'T AGREE WITH THAT.
IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE. I'M SO FAR BEHIND NOW,
THERE'S NO WAY I COULD CATCH UP.
ACTUALLY YOU HAVEN'T MISSED THAT MUCH TIME AT ALL.
I'M SURE THE SCHOOL WOULD WORK WITH YOU--
I WASN'T EVEN GOING FOR ME.
I WAS GOING FOR MY MOTHER.
SHE GOT SO NERVOUS WHEN I WAS GRADUATING COLLEGE
BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE A PLAN.
SHE WANTED ME TO GET INTO AN ADVANCED DEGREE
SO SHE WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ME
BECAUSE I WAS ON A PATH TO SUCCESS.
SHE USED TO SAY,
"A MOTHER IS ONLY AS HAPPY AS HER LEAST HAPPY CHILD."
AND THEN SHE'D LOOK OVER AT DANIEL AND SIGH.
AND I WOULD THINK,
"YOU'RE STARING AT THE WRONG KID, LADY."
WELL...
OKAY, LET'S SAY
THAT YOU DO WANT TO TAKE SOME TIME OFF.
WHY WOULDN'T YOU JUST TAKE A LEAVE OF ABSENCE?
I WON'T GO BACK.
SO YOU'RE NOT JUST CUTTING TIES WITH ME.
YOU'RE ACTUALLY CUTTING TIES WITH EVERYTHING.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO,
GO SIT IN A CLASSROOM, SUCK UP TO MY TEACHERS,
SNORT RITALIN WITH MY FRIENDS?
REALLY?
I HAVE CANCER.
I'M 23 AND I HAVE CANCER.
HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO TOP THAT?
WHERE THE HELL DO I GO FROM HERE?
APRIL, IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE YOU WANTED,
ANYWHERE AT ALL, WHERE WOULD YOU GO?
BACK.
YOU MEAN HOME?
YEAH.
BUT ISN'T YOUR HOME
"SO LONG AGO AND SO FAR AWAY"?
YOU REMEMBER THAT?
THERE ARE THESE ORGANIC FARMS ALL OVER THE WORLD.
AND THEY GIVE YOU FREE ROOM AND BOARD FOR YOUR LABOR.
I WAS THINKING ABOUT JUST GOING FROM ONE TO THE OTHER.
FOR HOW LONG?
I DON'T KNOW.
UNTIL I FORGET MY OWN NAME.
WELL, UNLESS YOU DEVELOP AMNESIA,
THE CHANCES OF THAT HAPPENING
ARE SLIM TO NONE.
THERE WAS A GIRL IN CHEMO WITH ME.
SHE WAS ABOUT MY AGE.
HER NAME WAS LYRIC--
LYRIC MERRIMAN.
IT WAS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL NAME.
SHE DIDN'T MAKE IT?
NO.
SHE DIED.
SORRY.
THE LAST TIME I SAW HER, WE WERE SITTING SIDE BY SIDE,
ATTACHED TO OUR DRIPS.
IT LOOKED LIKE SHE WAS DOODLING IN HER NOTEBOOK,
JUST DOODLING.
AND SO I LEANED OVER TO LOOK AT IT.
AND...
SHE WAS WRITING HER NAME
OVER AND OVER
IN ALL DIFFERENT SCRIPTS,
JUST HER NAME.
MAYBE SHE WAS AFRAID OF BEING FORGOTTEN.
IT'S DIFFICULT TO BE THE ONE WHO SURVIVES.
I DON'T WANT TO.
SURVIVE?
IT JUST SEEMS SO HARD.
LIVING?
DID LIVING SEEM HARD BEFORE YOU GOT SICK?
NO.
THERE USED TO BE THIS PATH.
AND IT WAS LIKE--
IT WAS STEEP.
IT WAS TIRING,
BUT IT WAS, YOU KNOW, WELL LIT.
AND IT'S NOT THERE ANYMORE.
IT'S COMPLETELY GONE.
DID I JUST MAKE IT ALL UP?
NO, YOU JUST GOT REROUTED.
YOUR LIFE'S PATH HAS CHANGED
WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT.
IT MUST BE SO HARD TO HANDLE.
APRIL, WHAT YOU'RE FEELING IS NORMAL.
IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE.
BUT YOU ARE GOING TO GROW OLDER.
YOU'RE GOING TO FALL IN LOVE AGAIN.
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE CHILDREN IF YOU WANT TO.
YOU WILL HAVE ADVENTURES. YOU WILL KNOW SUCH JOY.
YOU DON'T KNOW THAT AND I DON'T KNOW THAT.
NO NO, OF COURSE WE DON'T.
BUT SOMETIMES WE JUST HAVE TO ACT AS IF WE DO.
THAT'S NOT GOING TO WORK.
LOOK, YOU'VE GONE THROUGH THE WORST OF IT.
YOU'VE ALREADY STARTED TO CLIMB OUT OF THE HOLE.
YOU CAN'T SEE THAT YET.
ARE YOU OKAY?
I THINK I'M GOING TO BE ALONE MY WHOLE LIFE.
WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?
IT'S JUST A FEELING I HAVE,
LIKE A PREMONITION.
I CAN'T IMAGINE LOVING ANYONE EVER AGAIN.
I DON'T KNOW HOW I DID IT ONCE.
IT LOOKS EXHAUSTING.
I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
I HAVE CANCER.
WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE?
I'M NO LONGER 23.
I WENT ON YOUR PAGE AGAIN LAST NIGHT.
MY WHAT?
YOUR PAGE-- YOU KNOW, ONLINE,
WHERE PEOPLE CAN COMMENT ON YOU AS A THERAPIST.
YES, MY SAD, EMPTY LITTLE WEB DOMAIN.
EXCEPT IT'S NOT EMPTY ANYMORE.
SOMEONE WROTE A COMMENT-- SOMEONE NAMED SOPHIE.
WAS SHE A PATIENT OF YOURS?
ACTUALLY, I CAN'T DISCUSS MY OTHER PATIENTS.
NOT EVEN WITH ME?
NO.
SHE SAYS YOU SAVED HER LIFE.
YOU SHOULD GO LOOK AT THE PAGE.
SHE HAS A LOT OF NICE THINGS TO SAY ABOUT YOU.
SHE'S IN COLLEGE. SHE SOUNDS HAPPY.
WELL, I WILL.
THANK YOU.
THANKS FOR TELLING ME.
YOU'VE REALLY HELPED ME.
APRIL, I REALLY DIDN'T DO THAT MUCH.
I TOOK YOU TO CHEMO. I TOLD YOUR MOTHER.
THE REST YOU DID YOURSELF.
- LET ME THANK YOU. - YEAH, BUT IT'S IMPORTANT
THAT YOU SEE HOW YOU TOOK RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF
BY COMING TO SEE ME.
LET ME THANK YOU.
AND THEN LET ME LEAVE.
ARE YOU SURE?
I MEAN, WE HAVE ACCOMPLISHED
SO MUCH IN THIS ROOM.
YOU'RE NOT THE SAME PERSON
WHO CAME IN HERE TWO MONTHS AGO.
I CAME IN WITH CANCER. I'M LEAVING WITH CANCER.
THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, APRIL.
YOU WERE SO ANGRY WHEN YOU GOT HERE.
I'M STILL ANGRY.
YEAH, I KNOW, BUT NOW YOU CAN TALK ABOUT IT.
WHEN I FIRST MET YOU,
YOU COULDN'T ACKNOWLEDGE THAT ANYTHING WOULD HURT YOU.
NOW EVERYTHING HURTS ME.
THE RAIN HURTS ME.
I FEEL LIKE I HAVE NO SKIN.
WELL, THERAPEUTICALLY,
THAT'S A GOOD THING.
I MEAN, YOU'VE LEARNED SO MUCH ABOUT YOURSELF--
ABOUT TRUST AND ACCEPTANCE,
ABOUT NOT NEEDING TO BE PERFECT ALL THE TIME.
I MEAN, I KNOW IT'S HARD TO SEE THAT NOW,
BUT THE GREAT THING ABOUT SELF-KNOWLEDGE IS
THAT ONCE YOU HAVE IT, YOU HAVE IT.
AND YOU CAN'T HELP BUT PUT IT INTO USE.
OKAY.
YOU STILL HAVE CHALLENGES AHEAD OF YOU.
THAT'S WHY I THINK YOU REALLY NEED TO KEEP TALKING TO SOMEBODY.
MAYBE, BUT NOT YOU.
IT CAN'T BE YOU.
'CAUSE I'M THE GUY WHO TOOK YOU TO CHEMO?
YOU'RE THE GUY WHO SAVED MY LIFE.
DO YOU WANT ME TO REFER YOU TO ANOTHER THERAPIST?
MAYBE LATER. NOT NOW.
RIGHT NOW I JUST WANT TO BREATHE
AND GET WELL.
I'M SO GLAD TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT.
PEOPLE DO SURVIVE WITHOUT THERAPY.
IT'S VERY HARD FOR ME TO HEAR THAT,
BUT I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.
CAN YOU HOLD ON FOR A SECOND?
THIS MIGHT BE EASIER ON YOUR HEAD.
IT'S MADE OF LEATHER.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
IT WAS MY FATHER'S.
THEN YOU SHOULD KEEP IT.
NO, IT'S FOR YOU.
ARE YOU SURE?
MM-HMM.
CAN I TRY IT ON?
SURE.
OKAY.
WOW.
MY MOM'S GONNA LOVE THIS.
SHE REALLY ROCKS THE WHOLE AMELIA EARHART LOOK.
SILK SCARVES AND LEATHER JACKETS ARE KIND OF HER THING.
I THOUGHT CUBA WAS HER THING.
SHE'S COMPLICATED.
NOT EVERYTHING'S BLACK-AND-WHITE, PAUL.
I'LL TRY TO REMEMBER THAT.
THANK YOU.
GOODBYE.
( music playing )