1 00:00:10,944 --> 00:00:12,746 HELLO, MIA. 2 00:00:16,117 --> 00:00:18,386 WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME IN? 3 00:00:19,953 --> 00:00:22,090 IT'S OVER. 4 00:00:25,993 --> 00:00:28,329 I'M NOT PREGNANT. 5 00:00:32,233 --> 00:00:34,702 ( theme music playing ) 6 00:00:51,652 --> 00:00:54,088 I'M NOT FEELING WELL. 7 00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:57,191 I REALLY SHOULD'VE STAYED HOME. 8 00:00:57,291 --> 00:01:00,027 I CALLED IN SICK AT WORK. THAT'S A FIRST. 9 00:01:00,128 --> 00:01:03,497 AND-- WHAT DID YOUR DOCTOR SAY? 10 00:01:04,698 --> 00:01:06,400 I'LL LIVE. 11 00:01:08,536 --> 00:01:11,605 DI-- DID HE SAY ANYTHING ELSE? 12 00:01:11,705 --> 00:01:13,641 I'M SO TIRED. 13 00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:17,010 I WANT TO GO BACK TO BED. 14 00:01:17,111 --> 00:01:19,780 I'M NOT UP FOR A WHOLE SESSION. 15 00:01:21,882 --> 00:01:24,118 WELL, WHY DON'T WE JUST START 16 00:01:24,218 --> 00:01:27,821 AND THEN WE'LL SEE HOW IT-- HOW IT GOES? 17 00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:32,025 I'D RATHER STAY HERE FOR NOW. 18 00:01:32,126 --> 00:01:34,662 CAN I GET YOU A GLASS OF WATER? 19 00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:36,964 MAYBE SOME TEA? 20 00:01:37,064 --> 00:01:39,433 MMM, THAT'S VERY NICE, 21 00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:41,669 BUT I'M FINE. 22 00:01:43,337 --> 00:01:46,774 THAT'S WHAT YOU KEPT SAYING LAST WEEK-- "I'M FINE." 23 00:01:46,874 --> 00:01:49,243 ( chuckles ) 24 00:01:57,918 --> 00:01:59,953 HOW HAVE YOU BEEN? 25 00:02:00,053 --> 00:02:02,456 FINE. 26 00:02:07,261 --> 00:02:09,430 WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED? 27 00:02:09,530 --> 00:02:11,098 THERE'S NOT MUCH TO TELL. 28 00:02:11,199 --> 00:02:13,634 I WENT TO WORK ON FRIDAY... 29 00:02:16,304 --> 00:02:18,806 STARTED BLEEDING. 30 00:02:18,906 --> 00:02:21,175 I WENT HOME... 31 00:02:22,210 --> 00:02:24,578 AND IT DIDN'T STOP. 32 00:02:27,014 --> 00:02:28,649 END OF STORY. 33 00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:32,686 SO, EMOTIONALLY, 34 00:02:32,786 --> 00:02:34,922 HOW ARE YOU? 35 00:02:35,022 --> 00:02:37,491 ( sighs ) I'M KIND OF NUMB. 36 00:02:38,359 --> 00:02:40,694 IT FEELS BETTER THAT WAY. 37 00:02:40,794 --> 00:02:42,596 I UNDERSTAND. 38 00:02:42,696 --> 00:02:46,367 I THOUGHT THAT I WAS GONNA BE A PARENT 39 00:02:46,467 --> 00:02:50,170 AND NOW I KNOW I'M NOT. 40 00:02:51,104 --> 00:02:53,341 I'M REALLY SORRY, MIA. 41 00:02:53,441 --> 00:02:56,744 I JUST FELT TRANSFORMED FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS. 42 00:02:58,312 --> 00:03:02,716 LIKE I HAD A REAL... PURPOSE. 43 00:03:02,816 --> 00:03:05,219 AND I WAS A DIFFERENT-- 44 00:03:05,319 --> 00:03:07,255 A DIFFERENT ME. 45 00:03:07,355 --> 00:03:10,123 YOU KNOW, A WOMAN HAS A BABY 46 00:03:10,224 --> 00:03:12,326 AND PEOPLE STOP ASKING QUESTIONS: 47 00:03:12,426 --> 00:03:14,795 "WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER?" 48 00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:17,965 OR "SHE'S SO AMBITIOUS." 49 00:03:19,367 --> 00:03:22,270 OR "PATHETIC" OR "STRANGE." 50 00:03:22,370 --> 00:03:25,839 IT'S EASY THEN-- SHE'S A MOTHER. 51 00:03:25,939 --> 00:03:29,710 IT ANSWERS ALL THE QUESTIONS. 52 00:03:29,810 --> 00:03:32,045 IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU HAD A LOT OF QUESTIONS 53 00:03:32,145 --> 00:03:34,382 YOURSELF LAST WEEK. 54 00:03:34,482 --> 00:03:36,284 ( sighs ) OKAY, MAYBE I MELTED DOWN A LITTLE, 55 00:03:36,384 --> 00:03:38,519 BUT I STILL WANTED TO HAVE THE BABY. 56 00:03:41,789 --> 00:03:44,292 THE STUPID THING IS I CAN SMOKE NOW 57 00:03:44,392 --> 00:03:47,060 - AND I DON'T EVEN WANT TO. - HMM. 58 00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:49,797 SO MAYBE YOU HAVE CHANGED A LITTLE. 59 00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:51,499 MMM, NICE TRY. 60 00:03:51,599 --> 00:03:55,102 YOU KNOW, MIA, THERE'S OTHER WAYS TO BE A PARENT 61 00:03:55,202 --> 00:03:58,406 IF THAT'S WHAT YOU REALLY WANT. 62 00:03:58,506 --> 00:04:02,209 YOU MEAN COMPETE WITH SOME YOUNG SUBURBAN COUPLE 63 00:04:02,310 --> 00:04:03,977 FOR SOME PREGNANT TEEN'S BABY? 64 00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:06,680 ( sighs ) I CAN'T IMAGINE PICKING 65 00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:09,883 IVY LEAGUE SPERM OUT OF A CATALOGUE 66 00:04:09,983 --> 00:04:13,020 TO DEFROST AND SQUIRT. 67 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:15,222 YOU DON'T WANT TO ADOPT, 68 00:04:15,323 --> 00:04:17,791 YOU DON'T WANT A DONOR 69 00:04:17,891 --> 00:04:20,694 AND YET YOU'RE SURE THAT YOU WANTED A BABY. 70 00:04:20,794 --> 00:04:23,997 IT ISN'T JUST ABOUT BEING A MOTHER, 71 00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:27,368 LIKE YOU SAID LAST WEEK. YOU ALSO WANTED TO HAVE 72 00:04:27,468 --> 00:04:30,404 THE PERFECT PICTURE. 73 00:04:30,504 --> 00:04:32,440 ( sighs ) I KEPT WAITING TO MEET THE RIGHT GUY 74 00:04:32,540 --> 00:04:35,976 BUT IT-- HE DIDN'T SHOW UP. 75 00:04:37,311 --> 00:04:40,681 OR MORE LIKELY I PUSHED HIM AWAY. 76 00:04:43,484 --> 00:04:46,520 AND NOW NO MAN AND NO KID. 77 00:04:50,257 --> 00:04:52,125 I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS. 78 00:04:52,225 --> 00:04:54,695 LET'S SWITCH TO THE WEATHER. 79 00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:57,064 IT WAS A REALLY COLD WEEKEND, WASN'T IT? 80 00:04:57,164 --> 00:04:58,999 ACTUALLY, IT WAS 81 00:04:59,099 --> 00:05:00,934 SURPRISINGLY WARM. 82 00:05:01,034 --> 00:05:03,671 DID YOU STAY INSIDE? 83 00:05:05,373 --> 00:05:08,642 HMM. DID YOU CALL ANYBODY? 84 00:05:11,512 --> 00:05:13,647 YOU COULD'VE CALLED ME. 85 00:05:13,747 --> 00:05:15,883 YOU'RE-- YOU'RE STILL IN MOURNING 86 00:05:15,983 --> 00:05:18,386 AND YOU WERE AWAY OVER THE WEEKEND ANYWAY, RIGHT? 87 00:05:18,486 --> 00:05:20,721 MIA, SOMETHING LIKE THIS 88 00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:24,458 - YOU CALL ME. - ACTUALLY, I DID TALK TO SOMEONE. 89 00:05:24,558 --> 00:05:26,794 BELIEVE IT OR NOT, 90 00:05:26,894 --> 00:05:28,662 I SPOKE TO MY MOTHER. 91 00:05:28,762 --> 00:05:31,432 OH. WELL, 92 00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:33,934 I'D CERTAINLY LIKE TO HEAR ABOUT THAT. 93 00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:35,803 ( scoffs ) 94 00:05:35,903 --> 00:05:38,171 DO YOU THINK WE COULD TALK ABOUT IT INSIDE? 95 00:05:38,271 --> 00:05:40,073 WHAT IS IT WITH THERAPISTS? 96 00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:43,110 - YOU HEAR THE WORD "MOTHER" AND THESE BELLS GO OFF? - ( chuckles ) 97 00:05:43,210 --> 00:05:44,745 PRETTY MUCH. 98 00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:47,548 IT'S-- IT'S PART OF THE TRAINING. 99 00:06:22,015 --> 00:06:25,152 SO WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ME ABOUT THE CONVERSATION 100 00:06:25,252 --> 00:06:27,555 YOU HAD WITH YOUR MOTHER? 101 00:06:27,655 --> 00:06:30,223 UM, CARA, ONE OF MY NIECES, 102 00:06:30,323 --> 00:06:32,259 GAVE A PIANO RECITAL ON SATURDAY, 103 00:06:32,359 --> 00:06:35,328 AND WHEN MY MOTHER SAW THAT I WASN'T THERE 104 00:06:35,429 --> 00:06:38,331 SHE CALLED TO SEE IF I WAS OKAY. 105 00:06:38,432 --> 00:06:41,101 YOUR MOTHER AND NOT YOUR FATHER? 106 00:06:41,201 --> 00:06:42,736 RIGHT. 107 00:06:42,836 --> 00:06:45,739 I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HIM IN A WHILE. 108 00:06:47,107 --> 00:06:50,243 ( sighs ) ANYWAY, MY MOTHER IS THE QUEEN OF PROTOCOL 109 00:06:50,343 --> 00:06:52,245 AND I HAD MISSED A FAMILY EVENT. 110 00:06:52,345 --> 00:06:54,181 THIS-- IT WAS CARA PLAYING CHOPIN, 111 00:06:54,281 --> 00:06:56,149 AND I HAVE BEEN PAYING FOR HER LESSONS. 112 00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:59,186 I TOLD MY SISTERS THAT IF ANY OF THE GIRLS WANTED 113 00:06:59,286 --> 00:07:01,154 MUSIC LESSONS THAT I WOULD TREAT. 114 00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:04,592 I MEAN, WHAT IS THE MONEY FOR? 115 00:07:05,859 --> 00:07:08,529 I DEFEND SOME PRETTY QUESTIONABLE DOCTORS-- 116 00:07:10,664 --> 00:07:13,366 PRESENT COMPANY EXCLUDED-- 117 00:07:13,467 --> 00:07:15,869 AND HOW MANY PAIRS OF HIGH HEELS DO I NEED? 118 00:07:15,969 --> 00:07:17,605 IS THAT BECAUSE YOU WANT TO MAKE SURE 119 00:07:17,705 --> 00:07:19,707 THAT MUSIC ISN'T TAKEN AWAY FROM THEM 120 00:07:19,807 --> 00:07:22,409 IN THE WAY THAT IT WAS FOR YOU? 121 00:07:22,510 --> 00:07:24,444 PLAYING PIANO WAS 122 00:07:24,545 --> 00:07:27,915 THE ONE THING THAT ALWAYS MADE ME FEEL HAPPY. 123 00:07:28,015 --> 00:07:30,951 ANYWAY, I DIDN'T ANSWER THE PHONE, 124 00:07:31,051 --> 00:07:32,486 SO SHE LEFT A MESSAGE. 125 00:07:32,586 --> 00:07:34,522 AND THEN LATER THAT AFTERNOON 126 00:07:34,622 --> 00:07:37,457 SHE SHOWED UP AT MY APARTMENT 127 00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:39,860 WITH A PLATTER OF PIEROGIS. 128 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,596 MAYBE SHE WAS CONCERNED FOR YOU. 129 00:07:42,696 --> 00:07:45,866 YEAH YEAH. WELL, THERE'S ALWAYS A FIRST TIME, RIGHT? 130 00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:47,601 SO HOW DID IT GO? 131 00:07:47,701 --> 00:07:49,970 I WAS STILL IN MY PAJAMAS. 132 00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:53,240 SHE TOOK ONE LOOK AT ME, THE HEATING PAD, 133 00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:55,408 THE TYLENOL, THE TISSUES IN FRONT OF ME 134 00:07:55,509 --> 00:07:58,946 AND SHE SAID, "DO YOU HAVE THE FLU?" 135 00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:05,218 AND I SHOOK MY HEAD NO. 136 00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:09,122 I STARTED TO CRY AND SHE GOT IT. 137 00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:14,662 AND SHE SAID "MAYBE THAT'S NATURE'S WAY." 138 00:08:15,529 --> 00:08:17,264 I-- I DON'T KNOW WHEN 139 00:08:17,364 --> 00:08:19,332 I LAST CRIED IN FRONT OF HER 140 00:08:19,432 --> 00:08:23,704 OR WHEN SHE'S LAST HUGGED ME. 141 00:08:24,905 --> 00:08:27,407 AND THEN SHE HEATED UP THE FOOD, 142 00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:29,409 SET THE TABLE NICELY, 143 00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:32,179 - POURED US SOME NALEWKA. - WHAT'S THAT? 144 00:08:32,279 --> 00:08:34,715 IT'S A CHERRY-INFUSED VODKA. 145 00:08:34,815 --> 00:08:36,550 IT'S A TRADITIONAL DRINK. 146 00:08:36,650 --> 00:08:39,452 ANYWAY, SHE TRIED TO MAKE A CONSOLATION TOAST. 147 00:08:39,553 --> 00:08:42,155 SHE SAID "TO BETTER DAYS..." 148 00:08:43,390 --> 00:08:45,659 AND THEN SHE TOLD ME 149 00:08:45,759 --> 00:08:47,995 THAT SHE WAS PROUD OF ME. 150 00:08:48,095 --> 00:08:49,296 WELL, MAYBE SHE WAS. 151 00:08:49,396 --> 00:08:53,634 SHE SAID THAT I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL FOR WHAT I HAVE-- 152 00:08:53,734 --> 00:08:55,969 MY INDEPENDENCE, MY CAREER, 153 00:08:56,069 --> 00:08:57,971 THIS INTERESTING LIFE I'M LEADING. 154 00:08:58,071 --> 00:09:00,407 IT SOUNDS LIKE SOME OF THE THINGS 155 00:09:00,507 --> 00:09:02,810 THAT SHE MIGHT HAVE WANTED FOR HERSELF. 156 00:09:02,910 --> 00:09:05,445 WELL, I-- I SNAPPED AT HER. 157 00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:07,547 I SAID, "THAT'S KIND OF A STRANGE TOAST 158 00:09:07,648 --> 00:09:10,250 CONSIDERING YOU'VE ALWAYS BLAMED ME 159 00:09:10,350 --> 00:09:12,052 FOR RUINING YOUR MODELING CAREER." 160 00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:15,756 - DID YOU TELL HER THAT? - WELL, YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT SHE SAID. 161 00:09:15,856 --> 00:09:20,193 SHE SAID THAT SHE DIDN'T REALLY HAVE MUCH OF A CAREER. 162 00:09:20,293 --> 00:09:22,730 SHE WASN'T THAT PRETTY 163 00:09:22,830 --> 00:09:24,464 AND THAT SHE NEVER WOULD HAVE RISEN 164 00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:27,801 ABOVE HER JOB AS AN UNDERWEAR MODEL, 165 00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:31,705 WHICH IS NOT WHAT I GREW UP HEARING. 166 00:09:31,805 --> 00:09:36,243 - RIGHT, HER MANTRA. - HER FALSE MANTRA. 167 00:09:38,311 --> 00:09:40,480 THE SAME LIE OVER AND OVER 168 00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:42,950 UNTIL EVERYONE ACCEPTS THAT IT'S TRUE, 169 00:09:43,050 --> 00:09:45,385 ESPECIALLY ME, THE ONE THAT SHE LOVES TO BLAME. 170 00:09:45,485 --> 00:09:49,356 DID YOU ASK HER WHY SHE DID THAT? 171 00:09:49,456 --> 00:09:51,659 MY MOTHER SAID THAT IT WAS... 172 00:09:53,226 --> 00:09:55,362 KIND OF HER COVER STORY... 173 00:09:57,831 --> 00:10:00,768 THAT HAVING ME DIDN'T RUIN HER LOOKS. 174 00:10:00,868 --> 00:10:04,805 IT DESTROYED HER MIND. 175 00:10:04,905 --> 00:10:07,407 SHE SAID THAT AFTER I WAS BORN, 176 00:10:07,507 --> 00:10:09,643 SHE LOST IT. 177 00:10:10,811 --> 00:10:12,813 SHE COULDN'T GET OUT OF BED, 178 00:10:12,913 --> 00:10:14,447 SHE DIDN'T WANT TO EAT. 179 00:10:14,547 --> 00:10:16,784 SHE SAID SHE STAYED IN HER ROOM 180 00:10:16,884 --> 00:10:19,352 BECAUSE SHE WAS AFRAID THAT IF SHE LEFT IT, 181 00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:21,088 SHE WOULD KILL HERSELF, 182 00:10:21,188 --> 00:10:25,492 AND THAT THERE WAS SOME SMALL, SANE PART OF HER 183 00:10:25,592 --> 00:10:29,196 THAT DIDN'T WANT TO DO THAT TO ME. 184 00:10:29,296 --> 00:10:31,631 YOU KNOW, THERE ARE SOME MOTHERS WHO GET SO DEPRESSED 185 00:10:31,732 --> 00:10:34,334 THAT THEY LOSE SIGHT OF EVEN THAT. 186 00:10:35,402 --> 00:10:37,104 OKAY. 187 00:10:37,204 --> 00:10:39,740 SO WHERE WAS YOUR FATHER DURING ALL OF THIS? 188 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:42,042 SHE SAID HE JUST MOVED INTO THE LIVING ROOM. 189 00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:44,411 HE DIDN'T TRY TO GET HER PROFESSIONAL HELP? 190 00:10:44,511 --> 00:10:46,680 ARE YOU KIDDING? ( chuckles ) 191 00:10:46,780 --> 00:10:49,482 HE WAS FIRST GENERATION. 192 00:10:49,582 --> 00:10:52,152 HE WOULD'VE BEEN MORTIFIED 193 00:10:52,252 --> 00:10:53,821 TO ASK SOMEONE FOR HELP, 194 00:10:53,921 --> 00:10:56,690 TO ADMIT THAT HIS WIFE WAS CRAZY. 195 00:10:56,790 --> 00:10:58,358 SO HE TOOK CARE OF YOU 196 00:10:58,458 --> 00:11:01,128 - DURING THIS TIME? - HE DID EVERYTHING. HE HAD TOO. 197 00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:04,431 SHE DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO BREASTFEED. 198 00:11:04,531 --> 00:11:09,269 SO, REALLY, YOU WEREN'T MOTHERED FOR OVER A YEAR. 199 00:11:09,369 --> 00:11:11,171 WHEN SHE CAME OUT OF IT-- 200 00:11:11,271 --> 00:11:13,006 SOMEHOW SHE DID-- 201 00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:15,976 SHE SAID SHE HAD THIS RUSH OF FEELING 202 00:11:16,076 --> 00:11:19,346 AND THAT SHE WANTED TO BE CLOSE TO ME, 203 00:11:19,446 --> 00:11:24,151 BUT BY THEN MY DAD AND I WERE JUST INSEPARABLE-- 204 00:11:24,251 --> 00:11:28,889 I THINK THE WORD SHE USED WAS "IMPENETRABLE"-- 205 00:11:28,989 --> 00:11:31,992 THAT MY FATHER HAD NEVER FORGIVEN HER 206 00:11:32,092 --> 00:11:36,129 AND THAT HE USED OUR CLOSENESS TO SHOW HER HOW SHE'D FAILED. 207 00:11:36,229 --> 00:11:39,099 SHE SAID THAT SHE WAS SO GUILT-RIDDEN 208 00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:41,068 THAT SHE THOUGHT SHE DIDN'T DESERVE ME, 209 00:11:41,168 --> 00:11:44,905 AND SO SHE JUST KEPT AWAY. 210 00:11:45,005 --> 00:11:47,107 THAT'S QUITE AN ADMISSION. 211 00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:49,777 THAT MUST'VE GIVEN YOU A LOT TO TAKE IN 212 00:11:49,877 --> 00:11:52,579 ABOUT BOTH YOUR PARENTS. 213 00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:54,181 YEAH, I GUESS. 214 00:11:54,281 --> 00:11:56,716 DO YOU THINK HER DEPRESSION MIGHT ALSO EXPLAIN 215 00:11:56,817 --> 00:11:58,852 WHY SHE DIDN'T GET PREGNANT AGAIN FOR 10 YEARS? 216 00:11:58,952 --> 00:12:00,754 NO, SHE TALKED ABOUT THAT TOO. 217 00:12:00,854 --> 00:12:02,823 THE TWINS-- THE CHERISHED TWINS-- 218 00:12:02,923 --> 00:12:05,826 THEY WERE AN ACCIDENT. 219 00:12:07,995 --> 00:12:10,831 SHE SAID THAT SHE WAS TERRIFIED 220 00:12:10,931 --> 00:12:13,000 WHEN SHE FOUND OUT THAT SHE WAS PREGNANT AGAIN 221 00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:16,536 AND THAT SHE ASKED MY FATHER 222 00:12:16,636 --> 00:12:18,906 TO HIRE A SITTER 223 00:12:19,006 --> 00:12:21,241 SO SOMEONE WOULD TAKE CARE OF US 224 00:12:21,341 --> 00:12:24,011 IF SHE COULDN'T. 225 00:12:24,111 --> 00:12:28,315 AND ACCORDING TO HER, HE SAID NO, 226 00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:30,717 THAT HE COULDN'T AFFORD IT. 227 00:12:30,818 --> 00:12:32,986 AND SHE INSISTED THAT IT WAS HIS IDEA 228 00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:35,222 TO SEND ME OUT TO HIS SISTER'S OUT IN NEW JERSEY. 229 00:12:35,322 --> 00:12:38,425 - AND YOU DON'T BELIEVE HER? - OF COURSE NOT. 230 00:12:39,993 --> 00:12:41,862 MY FATHER ADORED ME. 231 00:12:41,962 --> 00:12:44,331 SHE ALSO SAID THAT I WAS WRONG 232 00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:47,000 ABOUT HIM COMING OUT TO VISIT ME EVERY SUNDAY, 233 00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:49,302 THAT I MUST'VE MADE THAT UP, 234 00:12:49,402 --> 00:12:53,240 BECAUSE THEY CAME TOGETHER ONCE A MONTH. 235 00:12:53,340 --> 00:12:57,477 - THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE. - ACTUALLY, MIA, IT IS... 236 00:12:57,577 --> 00:12:59,146 BECAUSE IT'S ENTIRELY POSSIBLE 237 00:12:59,246 --> 00:13:02,049 YOU AIRBRUSHED HER OUT OF YOUR MEMORIES OF THAT TIME. 238 00:13:02,149 --> 00:13:05,152 SOMETIMES THE NEED TO PROTECT ONE PARENT IS SO STRONG 239 00:13:05,252 --> 00:13:07,587 A CHILD PUTS ALL THE BLAME ON THE OTHER. 240 00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:10,490 NO, YOU'RE GETTING THIS WRONG. 241 00:13:10,590 --> 00:13:12,860 SHE-- SHE IS THE ONE WHO BLAMED ME. 242 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,394 UNTIL SATURDAY, 243 00:13:14,494 --> 00:13:16,897 WHEN SHE CAME TO YOU WITH WHAT SOUNDS LIKE 244 00:13:16,997 --> 00:13:20,267 AN UNBURDENING. 245 00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:22,903 I'M WONDERING WHAT THAT MUST'VE BEEN LIKE FOR YOU TO HEAR. 246 00:13:23,003 --> 00:13:24,972 IT MADE ME FURIOUS 247 00:13:25,072 --> 00:13:28,375 AND IF I HADN'T BEEN SICK, I WOULD HAVE THROWN HER OUT. 248 00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:30,911 DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT WAS THAT MADE YOU SO ANGRY? 249 00:13:31,011 --> 00:13:33,246 SHE SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE TELLING ME 250 00:13:33,346 --> 00:13:37,184 THAT I RUINED HER LIFE, AND NOW SHE CHANGES HER MIND 251 00:13:37,284 --> 00:13:40,287 WHEN I'M VULNERABLE, WHEN I'VE CRIED IN HER ARMS. 252 00:13:40,387 --> 00:13:42,322 WELL, MAYBE FEELING YOU CRY IN HER ARMS 253 00:13:42,422 --> 00:13:44,858 - IS WHAT MADE HER OPEN UP. - WHAT KIND OF TIMING IS THAT? 254 00:13:44,958 --> 00:13:47,660 - WHAT DOES SHE EXPECT? - THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION. 255 00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:49,829 WHAT DO YOU THINK SHE EXPECTED? 256 00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:52,399 WHY ARE WE EXAMINING HER MOTIVES? 257 00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:55,969 I'M-- I'M FUCKING HERE 258 00:13:56,069 --> 00:13:57,570 BECAUSE OF HER FUCKED-UP MOTIVES. 259 00:13:57,670 --> 00:14:00,240 SHE WANTED ME TO LET HER OFF THE HOOK. 260 00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:02,309 "BLESS ME, MY DAUGHTER, FOR I HAVE SINNED." 261 00:14:02,409 --> 00:14:05,145 I'M SUPPOSED TO LISTEN UNTIL SHE'S FINISHED AND GRANT ABSOLUTION? 262 00:14:05,245 --> 00:14:08,648 WHAT'S THE MATTER? YOU LOOK HORRIFIED. 263 00:14:08,748 --> 00:14:11,284 WHAT, I'M BACK TO MONSTER MIA HERE? 264 00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:13,853 NO NO NO NO NO, I UNDERSTAND YOUR ANGER. 265 00:14:13,954 --> 00:14:17,190 SHE DIDN'T TAKE CARE OF YOU, SHE LIED, SHE WAS NEVER THERE FOR YOU, 266 00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:21,294 THEN SUDDENLY SHE WANTS TO BE CLOSE. 267 00:14:22,896 --> 00:14:24,864 WHY... 268 00:14:24,965 --> 00:14:27,100 DID SHE GIVE UP? 269 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:31,371 OKAY, SHE WAS SICK FOR A YEAR, 270 00:14:31,471 --> 00:14:33,006 BUT AFTER THAT... 271 00:14:33,106 --> 00:14:37,244 WHY DIDN'T SHE FIGHT HARDER TO BE MY MOTHER? 272 00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:40,313 HOW-- HOW COME NOBODY STICKS BY ME? 273 00:14:40,413 --> 00:14:42,415 BUT SHE DID SAY THAT SHE TRIED 274 00:14:42,515 --> 00:14:45,652 BUT THAT THERE WAS SOMETHING IMPENETRABLE 275 00:14:45,752 --> 00:14:48,021 ABOUT YOUR FATHER'S BOND WITH YOU. 276 00:14:48,121 --> 00:14:49,689 WHY ARE YOU TAKING HER SIDE? 277 00:14:49,789 --> 00:14:51,424 I'M NOT TRYING TO TAKE HER SIDE. 278 00:14:51,524 --> 00:14:53,260 ALL I'M SUGGESTING 279 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:56,063 IS IT MAY NOT BE AS BLACK AND WHITE AS YOU REMEMBER IT. 280 00:14:56,163 --> 00:14:57,931 IT'S BLACK AND BLACK. 281 00:14:58,031 --> 00:15:01,034 SHE MANIPULATED ME ONE WAY 282 00:15:01,134 --> 00:15:03,203 FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE 283 00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:05,872 AND NOW SHE WANTS TO MANIPULATE ME THE OTHER WAY 284 00:15:05,973 --> 00:15:07,840 - TO GET RID OF HER GUILT. - THAT MIGHT BE TRUE, 285 00:15:07,941 --> 00:15:09,676 BUT IT'S ALSO POSSIBLE-- 286 00:15:09,776 --> 00:15:12,479 PERHAPS IN HER OWN CLUMSY WAY-- 287 00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:15,315 THAT YOUR MOTHER WAS TRYING TO REACH OUT. 288 00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:17,184 SHE SAW THAT YOU WERE IN CRISIS, 289 00:15:17,284 --> 00:15:18,952 IN SOME WAY LIKE HER OWN CRISIS-- 290 00:15:19,052 --> 00:15:21,621 THERE YOU WERE IN PAJAMAS, YOU WERE DEPRESSED, 291 00:15:21,721 --> 00:15:23,390 IT WAS RELATED TO A PREGNANCY-- 292 00:15:23,490 --> 00:15:25,625 AND SHE RECOGNIZED IT RIGHT AWAY. 293 00:15:25,725 --> 00:15:27,594 SHE WAS TRYING TO HELP. 294 00:15:27,694 --> 00:15:30,530 SO ONCE AGAIN, 295 00:15:30,630 --> 00:15:33,900 I HAD A CHANCE AT INTIMACY 296 00:15:34,001 --> 00:15:35,902 AND I SCREWED IT UP. 297 00:15:36,003 --> 00:15:38,571 I PUSHED HER AWAY. IS THAT YOUR POINT? 298 00:15:38,671 --> 00:15:40,507 ( sighs ) 299 00:15:41,741 --> 00:15:43,610 GOD DAMN IT. 300 00:15:43,710 --> 00:15:46,413 JUST STOP ALL THE THERAPY AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK. 301 00:15:46,513 --> 00:15:49,983 OKAY. YOUR MOTHER TELLS YOU ALL THESE THINGS 302 00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:51,985 AND YOU GET ANGRY. 303 00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:56,656 - WHAT ABOUT YOUR FATHER? - I FELT BAD FOR HIM. 304 00:15:56,756 --> 00:15:59,492 HIS WIFE GIVES BIRTH, HE WANTS TO CELEBRATE 305 00:15:59,592 --> 00:16:02,429 AND SHE'S READY TO JUMP OUT THE WINDOW? 306 00:16:02,529 --> 00:16:06,333 PLUS HE HAS A CRYING, HUNGRY INFANT TO TAKE CARE OF. 307 00:16:06,433 --> 00:16:09,036 HE HAS TO BE BOTH THE MOTHER AND THE FATHER, SO GOOD FOR HIM. 308 00:16:09,136 --> 00:16:10,703 HAS IT EVER OCCURRED TO YOU 309 00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:13,240 THAT HE MIGHT HAVE COLLUDED IN THE LIE THAT SHE TOLD? 310 00:16:13,340 --> 00:16:15,975 YOU JUST SAID IT: SHE TOLD THE LIE. 311 00:16:16,076 --> 00:16:17,244 BUT HE NEVER CORRECTED IT. 312 00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:19,379 WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS, MIA? 313 00:16:20,780 --> 00:16:24,351 - HE WAS HELPING HER SAVE FACE. - FOR 43 YEARS? 314 00:16:24,451 --> 00:16:26,453 CAN'T YOU ACCEPT THAT HE WAS A GOOD FATHER? 315 00:16:26,553 --> 00:16:28,888 NOBODY IN THERAPY HAS A GOOD DAD? 316 00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:32,159 A GOOD DAD WHO SHIPPED A 10-YEAR-OLD GIRL OFF TO NEW JERSEY 317 00:16:32,259 --> 00:16:34,227 RATHER THAN PAY FOR A BABYSITTER? 318 00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:37,230 THERE HAD TO BE A WAY TO KEEP YOU AT HOME. 319 00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:40,633 I MEAN, FAMILIES FIND A WAY OF WORKING THINGS OUT. 320 00:16:40,733 --> 00:16:43,603 WELL, SHE'S PROBABLY LYING ABOUT ALL THAT TOO. 321 00:16:43,703 --> 00:16:47,474 SHE COULD BE, BUT LET'S JUST TAKE HER AT HER WORD FOR A MOMENT. 322 00:16:47,574 --> 00:16:50,110 WHAT THAT MEANS IS THAT YOU HAVE TO REEVALUATE 323 00:16:50,210 --> 00:16:53,180 WHO YOUR PARENTS ARE AND WHAT THEY DID. 324 00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:57,284 MAYBE YOUR FATHER WASN'T THE IDEAL MAN THAT YOU THOUGHT. 325 00:16:57,384 --> 00:17:00,220 AND MAYBE YOUR MOTHER WAS ACTUALLY TRYING TO CONNECT WITH YOU. 326 00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:03,056 WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? SHE DECIDES TO REWRITE HISTORY 327 00:17:03,156 --> 00:17:05,058 AND YOU JUST GO ALONG WITH IT? 328 00:17:05,158 --> 00:17:06,826 WELL, SOMETIMES WE FIND IT EASIER 329 00:17:06,926 --> 00:17:11,298 - TO HOLD ON TO THE FICTION. - IT'S NOT FICTION, PAUL. 330 00:17:11,398 --> 00:17:14,834 I'M TELLING YOU MY MOTHER WAS NEVER THERE FOR ME 331 00:17:14,934 --> 00:17:16,703 AND MY FATHER ALWAYS WAS. 332 00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:18,971 THAT'S YOUR MANTRA, MIA, 333 00:17:19,072 --> 00:17:21,674 AND MAYBE IT'S AS FALSE AS YOUR MOTHER'S. 334 00:17:21,774 --> 00:17:24,777 LOOK AT THE WAY YOU DEFEND IT, HOW ANGRY YOU GET IF I CHALLENGE IT. 335 00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:28,148 I ASK YOU TO SEE YOUR PARENTS IN A DIFFERENT LIGHT-- 336 00:17:28,248 --> 00:17:30,417 I JUST ASK YOU TO DO THAT-- AND YOU GO ON THE ATTACK. 337 00:17:30,517 --> 00:17:33,520 YOU ACCUSE ME OF TAKING SIDES. 338 00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:36,189 MAYBE I JUST DON'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU BLAME HIM FOR EVERYTHING. 339 00:17:36,289 --> 00:17:38,258 I NEED-- I NEED A BREAK. 340 00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:41,594 ( sighs ) 341 00:17:42,829 --> 00:17:45,098 SHIT. 342 00:17:46,766 --> 00:17:48,201 - SORRY. - THAT'S OKAY. 343 00:17:48,301 --> 00:17:49,602 ( carafe thuds ) 344 00:17:58,711 --> 00:18:01,314 IT'S NOT ABOUT BLAME, MIA. 345 00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:04,917 WHAT I'M ASKING YOU TO DO IS MORE COMPLEX THAN THAT. 346 00:18:05,017 --> 00:18:07,187 I WANT YOU TO QUESTION THE WAY 347 00:18:07,287 --> 00:18:09,222 THAT YOU HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT YOUR PARENTS 348 00:18:09,322 --> 00:18:12,592 - FOR MOST OF YOUR LIFE. - OH, IS THAT ALL? 349 00:18:12,692 --> 00:18:14,427 I KNOW IT ISN'T EASY, 350 00:18:14,527 --> 00:18:16,863 BUT I CAN TELL YOU FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE... 351 00:18:18,831 --> 00:18:22,735 IT'S BETTER TO DO IT WHEN YOUR PARENTS ARE STILL ALIVE. 352 00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:29,209 MY WHOLE LIFE I HAD THIS... 353 00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:34,881 DISTORTED IMAGE OF WHO MY PARENTS WERE. 354 00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:39,752 AND I-- I DIDN'T WANT TO LET THAT GO. 355 00:18:39,852 --> 00:18:41,288 I FOUGHT AGAINST IT, 356 00:18:41,388 --> 00:18:43,856 AND THEN FINALLY I DID, 357 00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:46,926 AND IT WAS TOO LATE. 358 00:18:47,026 --> 00:18:49,462 MY FATHER WAS-- 359 00:18:51,764 --> 00:18:53,733 HE WAS GONE. 360 00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:56,336 AND THAT WAS 361 00:18:57,670 --> 00:19:00,139 A HUGE LOSS. 362 00:19:04,344 --> 00:19:06,413 I'VE HAD ENOUGH LOSS THIS WEEK. 363 00:19:06,513 --> 00:19:09,048 I KNOW, BUT, MIA, IF YOU DON'T GO THROUGH THIS, 364 00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:11,150 YOU'RE GONNA STAY WHERE YOU ARE, 365 00:19:11,251 --> 00:19:13,453 YOU'RE GONNA KEEP PUNISHING THE MEN IN YOUR LIFE 366 00:19:13,553 --> 00:19:16,122 FOR NOT BEING WHAT YOU NEED-- MEN LIKE BENNETT. 367 00:19:16,223 --> 00:19:19,025 - BENNETT WAS AN ASSHOLE. - OR LIKE ME. 368 00:19:19,125 --> 00:19:21,494 YOU BLAMED ME FOR THE ABORTION, 369 00:19:21,594 --> 00:19:25,064 BUT WASN'T IT YOUR FATHER WHO ARRANGED IT? 370 00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:26,499 HE WAS JUST SUPPORTING ME. 371 00:19:26,599 --> 00:19:28,401 OR MAYBE HE WAS, ONCE AGAIN, 372 00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:30,370 TRYING TO HOLD ON TOO TIGHT, 373 00:19:30,470 --> 00:19:32,639 TO KEEP YOU AS HIS LITTLE GIRL. 374 00:19:32,739 --> 00:19:34,841 NO. 375 00:19:34,941 --> 00:19:36,409 NO, THE ABORTION WAS MY IDEA. 376 00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:38,245 I TOLD YOU THAT LAST WEEK. 377 00:19:38,345 --> 00:19:41,348 YOU SAID YOU HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HIM LATELY, 378 00:19:41,448 --> 00:19:43,883 EVEN THOUGH HE MUST'VE KNOWN YOU WERE SICK. 379 00:19:43,983 --> 00:19:46,653 HE WAS-- HE WAS ALWAYS THERE WHEN I WAS A GIRL. 380 00:19:46,753 --> 00:19:48,655 WAS HE? 381 00:19:50,056 --> 00:19:52,359 HOW ABOUT YOUR PIANO? 382 00:19:52,459 --> 00:19:56,663 YOU SAID IT WAS THE ONE THING THAT ALWAYS MADE YOU HAPPY. 383 00:19:56,763 --> 00:19:59,466 DID YOU MOTHER TALK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO IT? 384 00:20:07,073 --> 00:20:08,975 SHE SAID THAT 385 00:20:09,075 --> 00:20:11,478 HE SOLD IT. 386 00:20:13,813 --> 00:20:17,684 HE SAID WITH TWO BABIES IN THE HOUSE THERE WAS ENOUGH NOISE. 387 00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:20,820 LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING: 388 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:22,722 WHAT WOULD HAPPEN 389 00:20:24,123 --> 00:20:26,359 IF YOU BELIEVED HER? 390 00:20:26,459 --> 00:20:29,796 IF YOU ACTUALLY LET YOURSELF FEEL 391 00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:32,565 THE HURT AND THE ANGER THAT 392 00:20:32,665 --> 00:20:35,835 YOU MIGHT HAVE BURIED FOR THIS PERFECT DAD? 393 00:20:42,909 --> 00:20:44,344 I CAN'T DO THIS, PAUL. 394 00:20:44,444 --> 00:20:46,446 OKAY? NOT TODAY, NOT THIS WEEK. 395 00:20:46,546 --> 00:20:48,548 YOU KNOW, MAYBE THIS IS THE PERFECT TIME. 396 00:20:48,648 --> 00:20:51,518 THIS IS A WEEK THAT'S BEEN FILLED WITH LOSS. 397 00:20:51,618 --> 00:20:55,054 YOU MOTHER COMES AND SHE GIVES YOU... 398 00:20:55,154 --> 00:20:57,123 A NEW FAMILY HISTORY. 399 00:20:57,223 --> 00:21:00,527 THE PICTURE YOU'VE HAD OF THEM IS JUST TORN UP AND THROWN AWAY. 400 00:21:00,627 --> 00:21:04,464 AND EARLIER IN THE WEEK YOU LOST YOUR OWN CHILD, 401 00:21:04,564 --> 00:21:09,168 THE BABY THAT YOU WANTED FOR SO LONG. 402 00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:13,573 THAT NEW FAMILY ALSO JUST TAKEN AWAY. 403 00:21:15,908 --> 00:21:18,711 THAT'S NOT QUITE TRUE. 404 00:21:18,811 --> 00:21:22,815 ON SATURDAY MY MOTHER INSISTED ON CALLING HER DOCTOR, 405 00:21:22,915 --> 00:21:26,218 AND HE HAD US MEET HIM AT HIS OFFICE IN GREENPOINT 406 00:21:26,319 --> 00:21:30,590 ON A SATURDAY NIGHT. 407 00:21:30,690 --> 00:21:33,526 HE'S THE SAME DOCTOR WHO DELIVERED THE TWINS. 408 00:21:33,626 --> 00:21:35,795 HADN'T YOU ALREADY SEEN YOUR DOCTOR? 409 00:21:35,895 --> 00:21:37,597 I CALLED ON FRIDAY. 410 00:21:37,697 --> 00:21:41,668 MY PARK AVENUE OBGYN SAID, YOU KNOW, 411 00:21:41,768 --> 00:21:45,705 WAIT IT OUT AND TO CALL HIM IF THE PAIN GOT MUCH WORSE. 412 00:21:45,805 --> 00:21:49,141 SO MY MOM DROVE US TO BROOKLYN 413 00:21:49,241 --> 00:21:52,111 AND THERE WAS OLD DR. SOLOMON, 414 00:21:52,211 --> 00:21:54,714 SITTING BEHIND HIS DESK. 415 00:22:00,420 --> 00:22:02,389 HE DID SOME TESTS 416 00:22:02,489 --> 00:22:05,525 AND HE TOLD ME THAT-- 417 00:22:07,427 --> 00:22:09,429 THAT I HADN'T LOST THE BABY 418 00:22:09,529 --> 00:22:12,665 BECAUSE I WASN'T EVER PREGNANT. 419 00:22:16,403 --> 00:22:20,507 I TOLD HIM ABOUT MY F.S.H. LEVEL 420 00:22:20,607 --> 00:22:25,545 AND HE SAID THAT I PROBABLY NEVER WOULD BE PREGNANT. 421 00:22:31,818 --> 00:22:34,554 AND THEN HE WENT ON. HE SAID THAT... 422 00:22:35,955 --> 00:22:38,891 HE SEES THIS KIND OF THING ONCE A WEEK: 423 00:22:40,593 --> 00:22:43,129 WOMEN LIKE ME-- 424 00:22:44,030 --> 00:22:46,365 SUCCESSFUL, 425 00:22:47,667 --> 00:22:50,903 NO CHILDREN, MY AGE AND OLDER-- 426 00:22:52,605 --> 00:22:56,042 WHO COME IN JUST CONVINCED THAT THEY'RE PREGNANT. 427 00:23:00,046 --> 00:23:03,450 AND HE HAS TO TELL THEM THAT THEY'RE-- 428 00:23:07,454 --> 00:23:09,656 THEY'RE NOT. 429 00:23:11,824 --> 00:23:13,560 OH. 430 00:23:15,428 --> 00:23:17,564 SO... 431 00:23:19,499 --> 00:23:23,803 SO YOU HADN'T DONE A TEST BEFORE THAT. 432 00:23:25,104 --> 00:23:28,074 NO. ( chuckles ) 433 00:23:28,174 --> 00:23:30,610 - ( sniffles ) - WHY NOT? 434 00:23:30,710 --> 00:23:32,712 I DON'T KNOW. I THOUGHT I WOULD WAIT. 435 00:23:32,812 --> 00:23:35,682 I HAD AN APPOINTMENT FOR THIS WEEK 436 00:23:35,782 --> 00:23:39,151 TO SEE MY DOCTOR AND I WAS JUST SO SURE. 437 00:23:43,089 --> 00:23:44,991 BUT I HAD IT WRONG 438 00:23:45,091 --> 00:23:47,093 AND YOU HAVE IT WRONG. 439 00:23:48,828 --> 00:23:52,832 I DON'T HAVE TO GRIEVE FOR A CHILD THAT I NEVER HAD. 440 00:23:53,666 --> 00:23:56,603 MIA, LAST WEEK YOU-- 441 00:23:57,704 --> 00:23:59,539 YOU TALKED ABOUT THE-- 442 00:23:59,639 --> 00:24:01,708 THE NEW LIFE THAT-- 443 00:24:01,808 --> 00:24:04,076 THAT YOU FELT INSIDE YOU. 444 00:24:04,176 --> 00:24:07,146 - IT WASN'T THERE. - BUT IN A WAY IT WAS. 445 00:24:07,246 --> 00:24:11,050 THE STRENGTH OF THAT DESIRE 446 00:24:11,150 --> 00:24:13,720 TO CREATE NEW LIFE. 447 00:24:26,032 --> 00:24:27,900 IT'S ALMOST 7:45. 448 00:24:29,435 --> 00:24:31,671 IS IT TOO EARLY TO GET DRUNK? 449 00:24:32,939 --> 00:24:35,374 WHO KNOWS? I COULD GET LUCKY 450 00:24:35,474 --> 00:24:38,210 AND MEET ANOTHER MARRIED MAN AT THE BAR. 451 00:24:46,285 --> 00:24:48,555 I'M GONNA GO. 452 00:24:50,156 --> 00:24:53,292 WILL YOU PLEASE CALL ME DURING THE WEEK? 453 00:24:53,392 --> 00:24:54,994 CALL YOU? 454 00:24:55,094 --> 00:24:57,296 YEAH, I WANT TO KNOW 455 00:24:57,396 --> 00:25:00,132 HOW YOU ARE. 456 00:25:01,433 --> 00:25:03,670 ( sighs ) 457 00:25:10,276 --> 00:25:12,779 ( theme music playing )