1 00:00:05,333 --> 00:00:08,458 (insects chirping) 2 00:00:17,291 --> 00:00:20,417 ♪ ♪ 3 00:00:49,125 --> 00:00:52,250 ♪ 4 00:00:59,041 --> 00:01:01,166 (phone ringing) 5 00:01:09,750 --> 00:01:11,625 (ringing, vibrating) 6 00:01:14,500 --> 00:01:16,709 (stops ringing, vibrating) 7 00:01:18,583 --> 00:01:19,959 (puts down phone) 8 00:01:22,792 --> 00:01:24,834 (ringing, vibrating) 9 00:01:30,959 --> 00:01:32,333 Hello? 10 00:01:32,417 --> 00:01:34,333 Eladio (on phone): Sorry. I-I know it's late. 11 00:01:34,417 --> 00:01:37,000 -Are you okay? -Yeah, yeah, I'm okay. 12 00:01:37,083 --> 00:01:39,583 Just this fuckin' dream, yo. 13 00:01:39,667 --> 00:01:42,250 Like, it's winter, and I'm in a field, 14 00:01:42,333 --> 00:01:44,959 holding hands with a... a little girl. 15 00:01:45,041 --> 00:01:46,500 Supposed to be my sister or something. 16 00:01:46,583 --> 00:01:48,917 Starts to snow, I'm excited, 17 00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:52,625 so I catch some on my tongue. All of a sudden, 18 00:01:52,709 --> 00:01:55,542 my throat, it's on fire. It's ash. 19 00:01:55,625 --> 00:01:58,208 A wing from a plane falls to the ground next to us. 20 00:01:58,291 --> 00:02:02,583 I turn, and my sister's face, it's gone. 21 00:02:02,667 --> 00:02:04,875 Jesus, mamita, I-I don't wanna tell you the rest, man. 22 00:02:04,959 --> 00:02:06,375 It's only gonna make you worry. 23 00:02:06,458 --> 00:02:08,291 Brooke (on phone): If I worry, I worry. 24 00:02:08,375 --> 00:02:12,417 You don't need to protect me from my feelings. 25 00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:15,667 -Am I allowed to worry about you? -What do you mean? 26 00:02:18,250 --> 00:02:19,667 I mean, 27 00:02:19,750 --> 00:02:21,667 I didn't expect you to answer so late. 28 00:02:21,750 --> 00:02:25,583 I have no other explanation for being awake other than... 29 00:02:26,959 --> 00:02:28,333 "The agonies. 30 00:02:28,417 --> 00:02:30,583 The mad midnight moments." 31 00:02:31,500 --> 00:02:36,083 "A Grief Observed." C.S. Lewis. 32 00:02:36,166 --> 00:02:40,542 Well, N.W. Clerk, if you really wanna get all technical about it. 33 00:02:40,625 --> 00:02:41,917 (Eladio laughs) 34 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:45,041 Dude was an Anglo-Anglican problem, to say the least. 35 00:02:45,125 --> 00:02:46,667 (laughs) 36 00:02:46,750 --> 00:02:49,417 But he did write some meaningful shit on loss. 37 00:02:53,750 --> 00:02:55,917 Do you cry? 38 00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:58,250 I can't-- I can't picture you crying. 39 00:03:00,083 --> 00:03:02,291 I'm the same way. 40 00:03:02,375 --> 00:03:04,792 You remember that girl I told you I dated? 41 00:03:04,875 --> 00:03:06,625 -Mm-hmm. -She had this mode 42 00:03:06,709 --> 00:03:10,083 she could switch into that I fuckin'-- I don't know, lack. 43 00:03:10,166 --> 00:03:11,709 We would get into a fight, 44 00:03:11,792 --> 00:03:15,375 and it was like a dam bursting open. She would just sob. 45 00:03:15,458 --> 00:03:18,333 It looked so freeing, like... 46 00:03:18,417 --> 00:03:20,625 she fucking went some place. 47 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:23,250 One time, she said, "El, 48 00:03:23,333 --> 00:03:26,709 you ever consider that maybe you're just a cold person?" 49 00:03:26,792 --> 00:03:29,041 But I'm not a cold person! (scoffs) 50 00:03:29,125 --> 00:03:30,917 No, honey. 51 00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:33,125 You're not. Far from it. 52 00:03:33,208 --> 00:03:35,625 I told her. I said, "Look, when you cry, 53 00:03:35,709 --> 00:03:39,208 when you become a fuckin' river, that's how I feel." (laughs) 54 00:03:39,291 --> 00:03:42,333 I wanna point to it because that's... 55 00:03:42,417 --> 00:03:43,750 that's how I feel, 56 00:03:43,834 --> 00:03:46,583 but I just don't know how to get there. I never have. 57 00:03:46,667 --> 00:03:49,250 And, you know, it... 58 00:03:49,333 --> 00:03:51,208 -(sighs) -(dog barking) 59 00:03:51,291 --> 00:03:54,291 -Hey, shit, sorry. I gotta go. -No, wait. 60 00:03:54,375 --> 00:03:57,792 Real quick. Do some deep breathing before you go to bed. 61 00:03:57,875 --> 00:04:00,083 Um, in for four, 62 00:04:00,166 --> 00:04:02,542 hold for seven, out for eight. 63 00:04:02,625 --> 00:04:05,041 (speaking Spanish) You're the best. 64 00:04:07,375 --> 00:04:08,500 (line disconnects) 65 00:04:10,583 --> 00:04:13,667 ♪ ♪ 66 00:04:14,542 --> 00:04:16,166 (puts down phone) 67 00:04:20,583 --> 00:04:21,917 (click, whirring) 68 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:23,834 Brooke: Hi, James. 69 00:04:23,917 --> 00:04:26,208 It's Dr. Brooke Taylor. I got your message 70 00:04:26,291 --> 00:04:29,041 about having to reschedule this afternoon. 71 00:04:29,125 --> 00:04:32,917 I have an opening tomorrow and another next week. 72 00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:34,959 I'm heading into session now but 73 00:04:35,041 --> 00:04:37,834 give me a call and we'll discuss times. 74 00:04:44,041 --> 00:04:46,083 ♪ 75 00:04:51,750 --> 00:04:55,375 (birds chirping outside) 76 00:05:01,041 --> 00:05:02,000 (click) 77 00:05:08,917 --> 00:05:10,041 (click) 78 00:05:11,917 --> 00:05:14,041 (click, chime) 79 00:05:18,625 --> 00:05:20,875 Hey, mamita. Can you give me two seconds? 80 00:05:20,959 --> 00:05:22,458 We just runnin' a little behind over here. 81 00:05:22,542 --> 00:05:25,208 I just have to give Jeremy his seizure meds. Is that okay? 82 00:05:25,291 --> 00:05:27,125 Yes, of course. The time is yours. 83 00:05:27,208 --> 00:05:28,959 Okay, cool, cool. 84 00:05:31,291 --> 00:05:34,333 (light piano playing) 85 00:05:34,417 --> 00:05:36,542 ♪ 86 00:05:52,917 --> 00:05:55,250 Aight, we good. Thanks. 87 00:05:55,333 --> 00:05:56,458 -No worries at all. -(cup clinks) 88 00:05:56,542 --> 00:05:57,875 Yo, these motherfuckers really think 89 00:05:57,959 --> 00:05:59,667 they running a Ritz-Carlton up in here. 90 00:05:59,750 --> 00:06:02,500 The kitchen? There's less marble in the fuckin' Vatican. 91 00:06:02,583 --> 00:06:05,959 And the espresso machine? Victoria Arduino. 92 00:06:06,875 --> 00:06:09,166 I'm not familiar. 93 00:06:09,250 --> 00:06:11,542 Yo, it's like a $20,000 machine, bro. 94 00:06:11,625 --> 00:06:13,500 All the medical bills for Jeremy, and they still got 95 00:06:13,583 --> 00:06:16,291 enough left over for some fuckin' copper. 96 00:06:16,375 --> 00:06:18,125 -This shit is nice. -Eladio, 97 00:06:18,208 --> 00:06:20,375 I need to apologize to you. 98 00:06:20,458 --> 00:06:22,667 -(puts down cup) -To me? For what? 99 00:06:22,750 --> 00:06:25,208 I shouldn't have answered the phone last night. 100 00:06:25,291 --> 00:06:26,917 No, I'm glad you did. 101 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:29,041 Scary dream and all. 102 00:06:29,125 --> 00:06:31,792 In that moment, in another life, 103 00:06:31,875 --> 00:06:33,000 I'd call my mom. 104 00:06:33,083 --> 00:06:35,000 What would've happened if you'd called your mother 105 00:06:35,083 --> 00:06:37,583 instead of me? 106 00:06:37,667 --> 00:06:40,542 Well, it'd be 5:00 AM in Florida. 107 00:06:40,625 --> 00:06:43,917 She'd still be stocking the grocery for another hour. 108 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,792 And when was the last time you spoke to her? 109 00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:50,667 Like four, five months ago. 110 00:06:51,500 --> 00:06:53,333 She got COVID. 111 00:06:53,417 --> 00:06:55,750 Doctor at Tampa General called me 112 00:06:55,834 --> 00:06:57,750 and was like, "Yo, your mom's real sick. 113 00:06:57,834 --> 00:07:00,166 Not like ventilator sick, but sick." 114 00:07:00,250 --> 00:07:02,542 So, uh, I started looking at flights. 115 00:07:02,625 --> 00:07:05,792 The DeMarcos weren't cool about me traveling, but... 116 00:07:06,750 --> 00:07:08,709 Well, anyway, 117 00:07:08,792 --> 00:07:10,250 it-it ended up not happening. 118 00:07:10,333 --> 00:07:11,917 You know, by the time I got my mom on the phone, 119 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:15,458 she was like, "Oh, don't come. I'll be fine." 120 00:07:15,542 --> 00:07:17,834 -She was. -Must've been hard, 121 00:07:18,667 --> 00:07:20,458 her not wanting your help. 122 00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:24,083 (laughs) 123 00:07:24,166 --> 00:07:26,375 I want a relationship with her, yo. 124 00:07:26,458 --> 00:07:28,458 That's my moms. 125 00:07:28,542 --> 00:07:30,583 But, it's gotta run both ways. 126 00:07:30,667 --> 00:07:32,458 You know, we both gotta want it. 127 00:07:32,542 --> 00:07:36,709 Brooke: And what's her relationship like with your sister? 128 00:07:36,792 --> 00:07:38,458 You-you hadn't mentioned her before. 129 00:07:38,542 --> 00:07:40,875 Is she older or younger? 130 00:07:40,959 --> 00:07:43,083 Sister? 131 00:07:43,166 --> 00:07:45,542 Oh, from my dream. 132 00:07:45,625 --> 00:07:47,417 Uh, I don't have one. 133 00:07:47,500 --> 00:07:49,792 My mom had a stillbirth before she had me. 134 00:07:49,875 --> 00:07:51,542 She shared that with you? 135 00:07:52,500 --> 00:07:55,041 Not until a few years back. 136 00:07:55,125 --> 00:07:57,000 But, one day, 137 00:07:57,083 --> 00:07:59,291 I was, like, 6, 138 00:07:59,375 --> 00:08:01,250 and I walked into the kitchen, and I asked my mom 139 00:08:01,333 --> 00:08:02,417 where my sister was. 140 00:08:02,500 --> 00:08:06,041 My mom said, "You don't have a sister." 141 00:08:06,125 --> 00:08:09,208 And I was like, "Oh, I remember. She's dead." 142 00:08:09,291 --> 00:08:12,709 -What made you say that? -No fuckin' clue. 143 00:08:12,792 --> 00:08:15,166 You know that... that woo-woo shit 144 00:08:15,250 --> 00:08:16,959 that people are like, you know, 145 00:08:17,041 --> 00:08:19,291 kids are closer to the other side? 146 00:08:19,375 --> 00:08:21,166 Well... 147 00:08:21,250 --> 00:08:23,041 it freaked my mom out, 148 00:08:23,125 --> 00:08:26,166 so she kinda kept her distance ever since then. 149 00:08:26,250 --> 00:08:29,625 -And you think that's the reason. -I mean, 150 00:08:29,709 --> 00:08:31,542 I like to think it was because of something dumb I said, 151 00:08:31,625 --> 00:08:34,875 -rather than she just didn't like me. -What I mean is 152 00:08:34,959 --> 00:08:37,834 when we're children, we don't always understand everything 153 00:08:37,917 --> 00:08:40,583 going on in our parents' worlds. 154 00:08:40,667 --> 00:08:42,542 So if a mother pulls away from her child, 155 00:08:42,625 --> 00:08:45,625 it likely has very little to do with who that child is 156 00:08:45,709 --> 00:08:47,375 or anything he's done. 157 00:08:48,583 --> 00:08:51,542 -Well, what are you gonna do? -Well, listen, 158 00:08:51,625 --> 00:08:55,041 in the future, you can call me off-hours in an emergency, 159 00:08:55,125 --> 00:08:57,792 but let's just... 160 00:08:57,875 --> 00:08:59,834 keep it to that, alright? 161 00:09:02,750 --> 00:09:04,291 Yo, don't do that. 162 00:09:05,250 --> 00:09:06,542 Don't do what? 163 00:09:06,625 --> 00:09:09,583 Slap me on the knuckles or whatever. 164 00:09:09,667 --> 00:09:12,208 Like, you told me to call you if I needed you, 165 00:09:12,291 --> 00:09:14,083 -and I did. -You're right. 166 00:09:14,166 --> 00:09:16,375 I apologize again. 167 00:09:16,458 --> 00:09:18,250 As your therapist, it's on me to delineate 168 00:09:18,333 --> 00:09:19,834 the boundaries that are appropriate, 169 00:09:19,917 --> 00:09:22,625 and I will be better at that in the future. 170 00:09:24,083 --> 00:09:27,000 You know, I think I might just need a referral. 171 00:09:27,083 --> 00:09:28,875 You gotta know a good psychiatrist, right? 172 00:09:28,959 --> 00:09:30,417 Sure. 173 00:09:30,500 --> 00:09:32,583 But why do you think you need a psychiatrist? 174 00:09:32,667 --> 00:09:34,583 This insomnia. 175 00:09:34,667 --> 00:09:37,291 The nightmares, the fuckin'... 176 00:09:37,375 --> 00:09:38,917 I haven't slept in six days, yo. 177 00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:40,750 Six days? 178 00:09:40,834 --> 00:09:42,542 What about last night? 179 00:09:42,625 --> 00:09:45,417 -Did you try the breathing, in for four-- -Yeah, yeah, I tried it, okay? 180 00:09:45,500 --> 00:09:47,417 It-it worked, until it didn't. 181 00:09:47,500 --> 00:09:49,625 Okay. 182 00:09:49,709 --> 00:09:51,375 We can try something else. 183 00:09:52,917 --> 00:09:55,375 (sighs) 184 00:09:55,458 --> 00:09:57,709 I just need to be able to function, yo. 185 00:09:59,125 --> 00:10:02,417 Alright, my job's not nothin'. 186 00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:04,208 If I f-forget Jeremy's pills 187 00:10:04,291 --> 00:10:07,166 or I take my eye off the ball when he's out of his chair... 188 00:10:08,542 --> 00:10:10,542 I just feel like medication could help. 189 00:10:11,250 --> 00:10:12,500 I mean, I nap. 190 00:10:12,583 --> 00:10:14,333 You know, couple hours here and there, but it's... 191 00:10:14,417 --> 00:10:17,291 it's like snatching a song out the air. It's snippets. 192 00:10:17,375 --> 00:10:19,834 And you're afraid that that lack of sleep 193 00:10:19,917 --> 00:10:21,625 may affect your job performance. 194 00:10:21,709 --> 00:10:23,959 Look, I can do this job in my sleep. 195 00:10:24,041 --> 00:10:25,959 Aight, I can talk you through this shit over the phone 196 00:10:26,041 --> 00:10:29,417 from a fuckin' internet café in Pakistan on some Morpheus shit. 197 00:10:29,500 --> 00:10:31,458 Wake up, get Jeremy out of bed, 198 00:10:31,542 --> 00:10:33,709 get him into the chair, breakfast, 199 00:10:33,792 --> 00:10:35,750 watch "Rick & Morty" or some shit together 200 00:10:35,834 --> 00:10:37,792 till the PT guy shows, and so on. 201 00:10:37,875 --> 00:10:39,959 I'm not worried about all that. 202 00:10:40,041 --> 00:10:41,834 Not to sound selfish, 203 00:10:41,917 --> 00:10:43,709 I'm worried about me. 204 00:10:45,125 --> 00:10:47,083 I don't feel good. 205 00:10:47,166 --> 00:10:48,709 Brooke: Well, you may need medication, 206 00:10:48,792 --> 00:10:51,083 but after only two sessions, 207 00:10:51,166 --> 00:10:53,875 I don't feel I have an adequate picture. 208 00:10:56,375 --> 00:10:59,417 -Meaning? -In order to refer you to a psychiatrist, 209 00:10:59,500 --> 00:11:01,625 I need to know more. 210 00:11:02,917 --> 00:11:06,375 There's something at the heart of your sleeplessness. 211 00:11:06,917 --> 00:11:08,917 Lyrical. 212 00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:10,625 I like that. 213 00:11:12,083 --> 00:11:13,417 Say more. 214 00:11:13,500 --> 00:11:16,166 You want lyrical. Okay. Jung said, 215 00:11:16,250 --> 00:11:19,625 "There is no coming into consciousness without pain." 216 00:11:20,166 --> 00:11:22,291 Oh shit. 217 00:11:22,375 --> 00:11:25,000 I like to think of that quote in relation to insomnia. 218 00:11:25,083 --> 00:11:26,417 Maybe... 219 00:11:26,500 --> 00:11:28,959 it's not about the difficulty of falling asleep. 220 00:11:29,041 --> 00:11:32,125 Maybe, we stay awake to avoid the moment 221 00:11:32,208 --> 00:11:35,417 we have to come to in our lives. 222 00:11:36,417 --> 00:11:39,667 Where the dream world falls away... 223 00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:42,959 and reality sets in. 224 00:11:44,792 --> 00:11:48,000 -Damn. -(phone vibrating) 225 00:11:48,083 --> 00:11:50,375 -(vibrating continues) -Sorry. 226 00:11:50,458 --> 00:11:52,125 Is everything okay? 227 00:11:53,291 --> 00:11:55,000 Yeah, Mrs. D, she wants me to look at 228 00:11:55,083 --> 00:11:57,959 the cable box after this. 229 00:11:58,041 --> 00:12:00,417 I don't know. I don't know. I'll figure it out. 230 00:12:00,500 --> 00:12:02,709 Is that part of your job? 231 00:12:02,792 --> 00:12:05,542 I know you're Jeremy's home attendant, 232 00:12:05,625 --> 00:12:08,750 but I thought that was primarily in a medical capacity. 233 00:12:08,834 --> 00:12:09,875 Eladio: It is. 234 00:12:09,959 --> 00:12:12,709 But, you know, these are my people, yo. 235 00:12:12,792 --> 00:12:14,667 Like, they look out for me. 236 00:12:14,750 --> 00:12:17,250 I mean, I couldn't afford this in a million years. 237 00:12:17,333 --> 00:12:20,834 The DeMarcos, they provide me with the esteemed Dr. Taylor 238 00:12:20,917 --> 00:12:23,166 because they know I can't sleep and I mess around 239 00:12:23,250 --> 00:12:25,542 -with the DirecTV. -Okay. 240 00:12:25,625 --> 00:12:28,417 But I need to be clear on the meds front. 241 00:12:28,500 --> 00:12:30,166 I know a lot of therapists in this city, 242 00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:32,583 they'll make sure you'll get Valium for a stomachache, 243 00:12:32,667 --> 00:12:33,959 but I don't do that. 244 00:12:34,041 --> 00:12:37,166 -So, if this is some kind of angle-- -Angle? 245 00:12:37,250 --> 00:12:38,875 I'm in pain. 246 00:12:39,834 --> 00:12:41,250 I already told you. I... 247 00:12:41,333 --> 00:12:43,583 I don't sleep. That shit's serious. 248 00:12:43,667 --> 00:12:45,875 Insomnia is the fever, not the malaria. 249 00:12:45,959 --> 00:12:48,834 It's a symptom, okay? 250 00:12:48,917 --> 00:12:51,667 And I'm not against medication. Not at all. 251 00:12:51,750 --> 00:12:53,792 But when prescribed indiscriminately, 252 00:12:53,875 --> 00:12:55,250 it can be like... 253 00:12:55,333 --> 00:12:57,083 fog on a mountain road. 254 00:12:57,166 --> 00:12:59,333 You understand where I'm coming from? 255 00:13:00,750 --> 00:13:02,208 Mm-hmm. 256 00:13:04,500 --> 00:13:06,750 But I need you to be patient because this work, 257 00:13:06,834 --> 00:13:09,125 it's not sexy, it's not fast. 258 00:13:09,208 --> 00:13:11,291 But if you trust the process, it... 259 00:13:11,375 --> 00:13:13,750 -(groans) -Eladio, 260 00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:17,333 you have two decades of wiring of behavior 261 00:13:17,417 --> 00:13:19,959 and neuroses and triggers and pathologies 262 00:13:20,041 --> 00:13:21,125 all tangled up. 263 00:13:21,208 --> 00:13:23,417 Why would that be simple? 264 00:13:23,500 --> 00:13:25,458 Does it sound simple? 265 00:13:25,542 --> 00:13:27,333 Of course not. 266 00:13:27,417 --> 00:13:29,959 That's why these things take time. 267 00:13:30,041 --> 00:13:33,291 This isn't a results-oriented practice. 268 00:13:33,375 --> 00:13:36,750 Wait, is that true? Because I'm... 269 00:13:36,834 --> 00:13:38,750 pretty sure motherfuckers go to therapists 270 00:13:38,834 --> 00:13:40,834 all the time seeking results. 271 00:13:40,917 --> 00:13:42,583 "Oh, my husband died, so now 272 00:13:42,667 --> 00:13:45,291 I'm too sad to work the forklift." 273 00:13:45,375 --> 00:13:48,166 It sounds like you understand healing 274 00:13:48,250 --> 00:13:50,500 only insofar as how it relates 275 00:13:50,583 --> 00:13:53,375 -to your job productivity. -Mamita, 276 00:13:53,458 --> 00:13:56,041 the DeMarcos respect what I do. 277 00:13:56,125 --> 00:13:57,792 You know, they coulda asked any of the other aids 278 00:13:57,875 --> 00:14:01,333 to quarantine with them, but they didn't. They asked me. 279 00:14:01,417 --> 00:14:04,166 So I wanna be able to do a good job. 280 00:14:04,250 --> 00:14:06,333 So what do you need from me 281 00:14:06,417 --> 00:14:09,417 to get at the heart of my sleeplessness? 282 00:14:11,083 --> 00:14:13,250 Well, for starters... 283 00:14:15,041 --> 00:14:17,834 I need to see more of you than just a floating head 284 00:14:17,917 --> 00:14:19,750 in a virtual backdrop. 285 00:14:19,834 --> 00:14:22,542 What, you don't like the Café La Habana? 286 00:14:22,625 --> 00:14:24,375 In Mexico City? 287 00:14:24,458 --> 00:14:26,875 -Have you been? -Nah. 288 00:14:26,959 --> 00:14:29,959 But it's like a mythical place to me. 289 00:14:30,041 --> 00:14:33,083 A literary, you know... 290 00:14:33,166 --> 00:14:35,333 All those guys used to hang out there-- 291 00:14:35,417 --> 00:14:38,959 Márquez, Bolaño, Octavio Paz. 292 00:14:40,208 --> 00:14:41,875 A dude-heavy bibliography, 293 00:14:41,959 --> 00:14:44,166 but the myth of it still moves me. 294 00:14:44,250 --> 00:14:46,542 I took a class on Márquez in college. 295 00:14:46,625 --> 00:14:50,166 "Eréndira and her Heartless Grandmother" gutted me. 296 00:14:50,250 --> 00:14:53,375 Look, he could write. There's no argument there, 297 00:14:53,458 --> 00:14:54,834 but I can't relate. 298 00:14:54,917 --> 00:14:58,083 You know, there's no magic in my world. 299 00:14:58,166 --> 00:15:00,542 If I were to get stabbed in the heart today, 300 00:15:00,625 --> 00:15:03,000 my blood wouldn't fuckin' wind down an alley 301 00:15:03,083 --> 00:15:05,875 and across a river and land at my mother's feet. 302 00:15:05,959 --> 00:15:08,333 I'd just bleed out. 303 00:15:08,417 --> 00:15:11,583 That's an unsentimental view. 304 00:15:11,667 --> 00:15:14,250 Fuck that. Yo, I'm the most sentimental motherfucker 305 00:15:14,333 --> 00:15:15,583 you ever gonna meet. 306 00:15:15,667 --> 00:15:19,709 -Hm. -Now, Bolaño. 307 00:15:19,792 --> 00:15:23,667 "The New Yorker" had this beautiful article about him 308 00:15:23,750 --> 00:15:26,291 that began with the phrase, 309 00:15:26,375 --> 00:15:29,291 "And then, I never saw him again." 310 00:15:29,375 --> 00:15:32,583 He introduced you to a character, 311 00:15:32,667 --> 00:15:36,417 rendered with such detail and compassion, 312 00:15:36,500 --> 00:15:39,291 and then two pages later, gone. 313 00:15:40,709 --> 00:15:42,166 And it wasn't a gimmick. 314 00:15:42,250 --> 00:15:44,709 It was just how he experienced the world. 315 00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:47,458 I can relate to that. 316 00:15:49,041 --> 00:15:52,333 Sounds like you're talking about abandonment. 317 00:15:58,875 --> 00:16:00,750 I don't know if it's all that. 318 00:16:00,834 --> 00:16:03,792 -Why do you do that? -What? 319 00:16:03,875 --> 00:16:06,875 You shut down at the mere mention 320 00:16:06,959 --> 00:16:08,500 of the size of your burden. 321 00:16:08,583 --> 00:16:12,250 I mean, worse things happen to better people. 322 00:16:12,333 --> 00:16:14,125 I mean, you do the same thing. 323 00:16:14,208 --> 00:16:16,750 Last night, you mentioned grief and then you went like... 324 00:16:17,333 --> 00:16:18,542 silent. 325 00:16:21,083 --> 00:16:23,250 I lost my father recently. 326 00:16:25,542 --> 00:16:27,166 Shit. 327 00:16:29,041 --> 00:16:31,333 I'm sorry. 328 00:16:31,417 --> 00:16:33,583 You're drifting out of the frame. 329 00:16:34,333 --> 00:16:35,792 Uh... 330 00:16:36,875 --> 00:16:38,667 My bad. 331 00:16:38,750 --> 00:16:39,709 (click) 332 00:16:45,417 --> 00:16:46,959 (sighs) 333 00:16:48,375 --> 00:16:50,125 It used to be Jeremy's room. 334 00:16:50,208 --> 00:16:51,875 Before things degenerated, 335 00:16:51,959 --> 00:16:54,291 he could still walk a little, so they, you know... 336 00:16:55,291 --> 00:16:56,709 (sighs) 337 00:16:57,625 --> 00:16:59,542 Uh, anyway, 338 00:16:59,625 --> 00:17:02,291 now he's on the ground floor in a tricked-out suite, 339 00:17:02,375 --> 00:17:04,291 and I live in the museum. 340 00:17:04,375 --> 00:17:07,291 It's like, I don't know... 341 00:17:07,375 --> 00:17:09,750 they're very sentimental people. 342 00:17:09,834 --> 00:17:11,166 The DeMarcos. 343 00:17:11,250 --> 00:17:13,125 Just like you. 344 00:17:14,792 --> 00:17:16,959 I-I know I'm being kinda... 345 00:17:17,625 --> 00:17:18,792 enigmatic. 346 00:17:21,750 --> 00:17:23,583 Eladio: You're not wrong. 347 00:17:30,709 --> 00:17:33,542 -(click) -Judge (on TV): Negligence or irresponsibility. 348 00:17:33,625 --> 00:17:37,041 -Man: Your honor, 10 years-- -Judge: I've already read your contract... 349 00:17:37,125 --> 00:17:39,375 -(quietly): Fuck it. -(TV continues) 350 00:17:39,458 --> 00:17:43,041 When I was in college, I was diagnosed Bipolar 1. 351 00:17:43,125 --> 00:17:45,500 And so, I've been on and off lithium ever since. 352 00:17:45,583 --> 00:17:47,291 And whenever I can afford it, I get it, 353 00:17:47,375 --> 00:17:49,208 and when I can't, I don't. 354 00:17:49,291 --> 00:17:51,709 I know you're supposed to titrate, 355 00:17:51,792 --> 00:17:53,709 -but I don't have that luxury. -(TV continues) 356 00:17:53,792 --> 00:17:56,792 You wanna call it drug-seeking behavior, fine. 357 00:17:56,875 --> 00:17:58,750 Without the lithium, 358 00:17:58,834 --> 00:18:01,583 -that's the only way I ever get any sleep at all-- -(knocking) 359 00:18:01,667 --> 00:18:03,417 Mrs. DeMarco: Hey, El! Mr. DeMarco's on the phone 360 00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:04,834 with the London office right now! 361 00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:07,500 Would you mind turning that down? 362 00:18:07,583 --> 00:18:09,250 Yeah, yeah, yeah! My bad! 363 00:18:09,333 --> 00:18:12,166 -(shuts off TV) -(puts down remote) 364 00:18:12,250 --> 00:18:14,959 (whispers): Look, the DeMarcos are like family to me. 365 00:18:15,041 --> 00:18:16,583 But this... 366 00:18:16,667 --> 00:18:18,458 It's not a diagnosis people like to hear 367 00:18:18,542 --> 00:18:21,417 when you're taking care of their son, so... 368 00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:23,667 They don't know. 369 00:18:26,083 --> 00:18:29,709 And you said you were given this diagnosis in college? 370 00:18:30,709 --> 00:18:32,875 Yes, ma'am. 371 00:18:32,959 --> 00:18:35,500 What type of behavior were you exhibiting? 372 00:18:36,250 --> 00:18:37,291 (scoffs) No clue. 373 00:18:37,375 --> 00:18:39,291 What led to the diagnosis? 374 00:18:39,375 --> 00:18:42,208 How far back you wanna go? 375 00:18:42,291 --> 00:18:45,125 It's up to you. Where you wanna start? 376 00:18:45,208 --> 00:18:47,458 (laughs) How much time you got? 377 00:18:47,542 --> 00:18:49,750 You let me worry about the time. 378 00:18:53,041 --> 00:18:55,792 I used to work at this place in Tampa. 379 00:18:55,875 --> 00:18:58,375 Seniors, old as dirt. 380 00:18:58,458 --> 00:18:59,792 They were amazing. 381 00:18:59,875 --> 00:19:01,291 You know, like, high school kids, 382 00:19:01,375 --> 00:19:02,834 they don't have stories. 383 00:19:02,917 --> 00:19:05,291 Shit hasn't happened to them yet, but these motherfuckers? 384 00:19:05,375 --> 00:19:08,542 They had stories. Like, 385 00:19:08,625 --> 00:19:10,542 there was this one old lady. 386 00:19:10,625 --> 00:19:12,959 (speaking Spanish) 387 00:19:13,041 --> 00:19:15,667 She told me about an affair she had with Frida Kahlo 388 00:19:15,750 --> 00:19:18,333 -for, like, five years. -(laughs) No! 389 00:19:18,417 --> 00:19:20,792 No, I mean like Mrs. Morales was out here talking about 390 00:19:20,875 --> 00:19:23,625 -sucking titties and shit. No disrespect. -(laughs) 391 00:19:23,709 --> 00:19:25,500 I fuckin' loved her, yo. 392 00:19:25,583 --> 00:19:28,000 We used to laugh like you don't even... 393 00:19:28,083 --> 00:19:30,875 I remember I used to go into her room to change her bedpan, 394 00:19:30,959 --> 00:19:33,667 and she would act like she was dead and shit. 395 00:19:33,750 --> 00:19:35,417 You know, it was mad funny, like... 396 00:19:35,500 --> 00:19:38,041 And as soon as I went to go get the nurse, 397 00:19:38,125 --> 00:19:41,375 she'd open up her fuckin' eyes like "Night of the Living Dead," 398 00:19:41,458 --> 00:19:43,583 and she'd say, "Did ya miss me?" 399 00:19:43,667 --> 00:19:45,917 (laughing) 400 00:19:46,417 --> 00:19:47,750 (laughs) 401 00:19:49,083 --> 00:19:51,291 And then one day, it was real. 402 00:19:52,583 --> 00:19:53,542 Hm. 403 00:19:53,625 --> 00:19:56,000 And then I fell in love with Mr. Robinson, 404 00:19:56,083 --> 00:19:58,333 I fell in love with Miss, Miss Farooqi, 405 00:19:58,417 --> 00:20:00,625 and on and on. 406 00:20:00,709 --> 00:20:02,542 They left me in the night. 407 00:20:02,625 --> 00:20:04,000 So, you know, I just-- 408 00:20:04,083 --> 00:20:06,959 I got used to it. Trained myself to-to not think, 409 00:20:07,041 --> 00:20:10,542 "Oh, this is such a beautiful new friendship!" 410 00:20:10,625 --> 00:20:12,542 Like, nah. 411 00:20:12,625 --> 00:20:15,458 Just take it for what it is. 412 00:20:15,542 --> 00:20:17,750 Here today, gone tomorrow. 413 00:20:19,625 --> 00:20:22,458 And were you having sleep issues back then? 414 00:20:23,959 --> 00:20:25,625 No, I don't... 415 00:20:27,041 --> 00:20:29,250 Wait... yeah. 416 00:20:29,333 --> 00:20:31,041 I mean, now that I think about it, 417 00:20:31,125 --> 00:20:34,083 I used to volunteer to take the night shift because... 418 00:20:34,166 --> 00:20:36,792 I couldn't sleep anyway. 419 00:20:37,625 --> 00:20:39,875 What made you ask that? 420 00:20:39,959 --> 00:20:43,375 Sleep disturbance is a core symptom of bipolar disorder, 421 00:20:43,458 --> 00:20:44,917 and, as this is where you chose 422 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:46,750 to start the story of your diagnosis, 423 00:20:46,834 --> 00:20:49,000 I wondered if there was a link. 424 00:20:51,166 --> 00:20:53,875 When you put it that way, 425 00:20:53,959 --> 00:20:55,625 I guess the next time I remember 426 00:20:55,709 --> 00:20:57,834 struggling to sleep was Sikander. 427 00:20:57,917 --> 00:21:01,458 -Was-- I'm sorry, what? -I fell in love with this Pakistani dude. 428 00:21:01,542 --> 00:21:03,834 He used to design video games for, 429 00:21:03,917 --> 00:21:07,083 I mean, I don't remember if it was Rockstar... 430 00:21:07,166 --> 00:21:09,375 He was a genius, 431 00:21:09,458 --> 00:21:12,375 but he was an addict. So... 432 00:21:12,458 --> 00:21:15,959 -(phone vibrating) -(sighs) 433 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:20,333 Uh... Wait, it's Mr. DeMarco. 434 00:21:20,417 --> 00:21:22,625 I mean, I don't have as good of a rapport with him, 435 00:21:22,709 --> 00:21:25,250 -so I just usually answer this shit. Sorry. -(typing) 436 00:21:25,333 --> 00:21:27,500 Supposed to remember to turn on the jacuzzi for him, 437 00:21:27,583 --> 00:21:29,375 and I always forget. (clicks tongue) 438 00:21:30,417 --> 00:21:33,291 -Aight. (sighs) -(puts down phone) 439 00:21:33,375 --> 00:21:35,417 Done. I'm with you. 440 00:21:37,208 --> 00:21:39,542 Looks like a lot to handle. 441 00:21:39,625 --> 00:21:41,667 Nah, nah, it's all good. But anyway, 442 00:21:41,750 --> 00:21:44,458 Sikander was, like, the first person 443 00:21:44,542 --> 00:21:46,417 I actually love-loved. 444 00:21:46,500 --> 00:21:48,792 I mean, he had the most beautiful fuckin' brain. 445 00:21:48,875 --> 00:21:50,834 I wanted to swim in it. 446 00:21:50,917 --> 00:21:53,458 But also, like, ketamine is just... 447 00:21:53,542 --> 00:21:55,083 bad. 448 00:21:55,959 --> 00:21:57,875 You know, I'd spend weekends 449 00:21:57,959 --> 00:22:01,417 reading to him, like, glossy-eyed in the tub. 450 00:22:01,500 --> 00:22:03,667 And we got through all of Clarice Lispector, 451 00:22:03,750 --> 00:22:05,250 all of Patricia Smith, 452 00:22:05,333 --> 00:22:08,000 almost all of Octavia Butler. 453 00:22:08,083 --> 00:22:12,667 I mean, it was all kind of soothing, until it wasn't. 454 00:22:12,750 --> 00:22:14,333 I mean, he was already in 455 00:22:14,417 --> 00:22:16,417 a never-ending fuckin' K-hole, so... 456 00:22:16,500 --> 00:22:19,166 One night, you know, I buy 457 00:22:19,250 --> 00:22:22,166 a pound of animal-style In-N-Out, 458 00:22:22,250 --> 00:22:23,458 and I show up to his apartment, 459 00:22:23,542 --> 00:22:24,959 and the fuckin' locks are changed. 460 00:22:25,041 --> 00:22:27,458 Like, he's not picking up his phone. 461 00:22:28,792 --> 00:22:30,041 And a couple days later, 462 00:22:30,125 --> 00:22:32,917 it doesn't even go to voicemail anymore, and, well... 463 00:22:35,834 --> 00:22:37,750 "And then, I never saw him again." 464 00:22:40,083 --> 00:22:43,000 So I stopped sleeping. 465 00:22:43,083 --> 00:22:46,125 My bipolar diagnosis came four days later. 466 00:22:46,709 --> 00:22:48,291 I see. 467 00:22:49,125 --> 00:22:50,250 (inhales) 468 00:22:50,792 --> 00:22:52,041 Well, I... 469 00:22:52,125 --> 00:22:54,834 I can't formally speak to that yet. 470 00:22:55,834 --> 00:22:58,667 But your insomnia makes sense to me. 471 00:23:00,417 --> 00:23:02,125 What do you mean? 472 00:23:03,625 --> 00:23:05,500 Sounds like you're haunted. 473 00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:13,333 Hey. 474 00:23:15,959 --> 00:23:17,458 You okay, El? 475 00:23:19,291 --> 00:23:22,166 I am right here with you. Right here. 476 00:23:24,166 --> 00:23:27,125 I'm going to help it be okay. 477 00:23:30,500 --> 00:23:32,417 Are you gonna take care of me? 478 00:23:32,500 --> 00:23:34,625 Of course. 479 00:23:34,709 --> 00:23:36,834 -That's what I'm here to-- -No, I mean... 480 00:23:38,041 --> 00:23:39,500 really. 481 00:23:41,166 --> 00:23:43,458 I know I said all that shit about wishin' I could talk 482 00:23:43,542 --> 00:23:45,166 to my mom last night, 483 00:23:45,250 --> 00:23:46,709 but I called you. 484 00:23:48,291 --> 00:23:49,959 Y-you feel like her to me. 485 00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:53,750 Not in real life or anything. 486 00:23:53,834 --> 00:23:57,291 I know you're not my mom, but you... 487 00:23:58,417 --> 00:24:01,709 you just do things a mom should do. 488 00:24:01,792 --> 00:24:05,542 You pay attention. I talk to you, I feel like I matter. 489 00:24:07,166 --> 00:24:10,500 So maybe can that be what this is between us? 490 00:24:11,625 --> 00:24:13,792 You know, therapy, but... 491 00:24:13,875 --> 00:24:15,458 also, like, 492 00:24:15,542 --> 00:24:18,041 I don't know, this is gonna sound ridiculous... 493 00:24:19,500 --> 00:24:21,417 f-family? 494 00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:27,208 -(bang, clatter) -(opens door) 495 00:24:27,291 --> 00:24:29,500 Eladio: Yo, Jeremy! Jeremy! 496 00:24:29,583 --> 00:24:31,542 Jeremy, bro, you good?! 497 00:24:34,834 --> 00:24:37,625 Sorry. We had a little bit of a... 498 00:24:37,709 --> 00:24:40,792 Th-this was good, seriously. 499 00:24:40,875 --> 00:24:44,208 -I'ma hit you next week, okay? -Yeah. No problem. 500 00:24:47,291 --> 00:24:48,041 (click) 501 00:24:48,125 --> 00:24:49,250 (computer chimes) 502 00:25:02,625 --> 00:25:04,125 (exhales quietly) 503 00:25:05,792 --> 00:25:06,875 (click) 504 00:25:10,834 --> 00:25:12,917 ♪ 505 00:25:27,667 --> 00:25:29,583 (typing) 506 00:25:40,083 --> 00:25:41,000 (click) 507 00:25:52,041 --> 00:25:54,959 ♪ ♪ 508 00:25:55,041 --> 00:25:56,166 (shuts laptop) 509 00:26:13,625 --> 00:26:16,792 ♪ ♪ 510 00:26:43,583 --> 00:26:46,667 ♪ ♪ 511 00:27:33,166 --> 00:27:36,375 All this talking about the past, and psychic wounds and shit. 512 00:27:36,667 --> 00:27:38,583 I haven't slept better since we talked last. 513 00:27:38,667 --> 00:27:39,583 I slept worse. 514 00:27:40,083 --> 00:27:42,041 ♪ (INTROSPECTIVE MUSIC PLAYS) ♪ 515 00:27:43,083 --> 00:27:45,875 It's a lot living with the DeMarcos? 516 00:27:46,583 --> 00:27:49,500 Like, my life in this house is predicated on fiction. 517 00:27:49,583 --> 00:27:50,458 I know that. 518 00:27:50,542 --> 00:27:52,625 I'm not their friend. I'm the help. 519 00:27:52,709 --> 00:27:55,166 That's a lot of anger, Eladio. 520 00:27:55,250 --> 00:27:56,291 ELADIO: It's more than that.