MAN: Can I get you to sign right here, please?
WOMAN: Okay. Here you go.
-Thanks. -You're welcome.
(FOOTSTEPS PATTERING)
WOMAN: Hi, Will. Package for you.
(PEN CLICKING)
WILLIAM: I don't think anyone ever imagines on their wedding day
they'll be part of the 46% that doesn't live happily ever after.
WOMAN: Will?
Just heard we got the Quaker Oats account.
Way to go. You must be completely psyched.
WILLIAM: Then again,
I never thought I'd spend my days,
weeks and years working in an advertising agency
trying to figure out how to get kids to eat Cap'n Crunch instead of Froot Loops.
But Tuesdays and Fridays are my favorite days.
I get out of work early, and I go pick up my daughter, Maya, from school.
Now, it's a great feeling when you find the right track to go with the day.
And today, I have found the absolute perfect song.
(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Bitches, they can kiss my...
WILLIAM: The other perfect song.
(EVERYDAY PEOPLE PLAYING)
(CAR HORN BLARING)
(MOUTHING WORDS) Thank you.
You're welcome.
WILLIAM: But sometimes, no matter how carefully you plan your playlist,
there is no right track for what awaits you.
(ALL CLAMORING)
-Come on, come on! -Hey, what's going on?
Will, did you know there was gonna be a sex ed class today?
Aren't they kind of young?
-Yeah! It was a total disaster. -At Ieast it got them reading.
There's a book!
"The 250 million sperm are ejaculated
"and begin their treacherous journey towards the fallopian tubes!
"One hundred million are wiped out instantly..."
I'm gonna find Maya.
GIRL: Do you still have sex with Daddy?
-What are you talking about? -Do you?
-You know, we will go home and talk... -You do, don't you?
-We will go home and talk about this. -GIRL: I hate you, I hate you!
(CLAMORING CONTINUES)
WOMAN: Stop pulling on me! I am trying to get to the bottom of something!
We need to talk.
Which is when the man removes his penis from his pajamas
and thrusts it into a woman's vagina...
Okay, but Mrs. Gallagher didn't actually say "thrust."
-Yeah. -Oh.
But what I don't understand,
Sammy Boigon's sister said he was an accident.
I mean, how do you accidentally thrust a penis into... Hi, Luis.
-Hey. -How do you accidentally...
Stop saying "penis" and "thrust." Just say "tinkle part" or "wee-wee."
Something cute.
-Explain how Sammy was an accident. -That's complicated.
-Penis! Penis. -Okay. AII right, that's enough.
(SIGHING) Okay, they...
It's not Iike his dad slipped on a banana peel.
The accident was that Sammy's mom got pregnant.
If they didn't want a baby, then how come they had sex?
That's a very good question.
I guess you could say that they were rehearsing.
-Was I an accident? -No.
-I was, wasn't I? -No.
You were completely and totally on purpose. I knew exactly what I was getting into.
(SIGHS)
I think you should tell me the story of you and my mom.
Why do you keep saying "my mom" Iike I've never met her?
Well, because now that you're getting divorced,
she's mine, not yours.
-Is that so? -Tell me how it happened.
And the real story, not the, "Oh, we met, we fell in Iove,
"and we decided to take all that Iove
"and make a family, and that's how we made you."
You know something? I'm gonna tell you the real, true story
of how me and your mother met.
-When I'm old enough. -Yep.
-Look. I know Iove isn't a fairytale. -Really?
Really.
Did you have another girlfriend before you met her?
(CHUCKLES)
Come on, tell me the truth.
(SIGHS)
I had two serious girlfriends.
And then some other, a smattering of other women that I dated.
You know.
What?
What's the boy word for slut?
They still haven't come up with one yet, but I'm sure they're working on it.
You a vegetarian this week or not?
-Yeah, I am. -Great.
MAYA: I'm guessing you weren't her first boyfriend.
Maybe it was some nerdy guy, or maybe he was mean.
Or maybe
(FAUCET RUNNING)
you were friends for the Iongest time,
and then just when you were about to put your penis
into somebody else's vagina...
WILLIAM: Okay. Good night, Maya.
...you realized Mom was the only one for you!
Bedtime!
You still have to tell me the story of why you fell in Iove with her.
I fell in Iove with her because she was smart and beautiful and fun.
So now she's stupid and ugly and boring?
-Of course not. -Then what's the problem?
-It's complicated, Maya. -Everything with you is so complicated.
I bet that if you just told me the story, you'd realize that it's not complicated at all.
That you just Iove her.
I know this is tough for you, but what are you thinking?
That I'm gonna tell you this story and it's gonna make everything better?
It doesn't work that way.
Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. Tell me and we'II find out.
No. Game over. It's time for bed.
No, it's not time for bed! It's time for you to tell me the story!
-Maya. -I need to know!
I need to know.
Fine! Fine!
I'm gonna tell you the story,
-but I'm not telling you who your mom is. -Fine.
You're just gonna have to figure it out for yourself.
-Good. -And I'm changing all the names
and some of the facts, but I just decided that right now.
-And then we'II see how smart you are. -I Iike it. It's Iike a Iove story/mystery.
-Great. Sounds good. You ready? -No.
No.
-Take your time. -I will.
-I know you will. -You go here.
-Princess pillow? -Thank you.
-You bet. -Okay.
(SIGHS)
I'm ready.
Once upon a time,
before e-mails and cell phones and reality television shows,
in 1992 to be exact, in a little town called Madison, Wisconsin,
there lived a young man named William Hayes.
-Hey, Will, man, Happy New Year. -Hey, yeah, you, too.
WILLIAM: Now, this young man was deeply, deeply in love with his college sweetheart.
Let's call her...
-Emily! -Emily!
Emily!
-Hey. -Hi.
ALL: Ten, nine, eight...
Hey, guess who's gonna be the Iuckiest guy on planet Earth in about four seconds?
You.
ALL:...two, one!
Happy New Year!
WILLIAM: They were a perfect couple.
Except to really understand how this young man
ended up marrying your mother, you'll also need to know
that he had a very big, incredibly embarrassing dream.
AII rise
for the President of the United States of America,
William
Matthew
Hayes.
MAYA: (CHUCKLING) You wanted to be President?
I'm just, I don't understand why you have to work for CIinton in New York.
Why can't you just work for him in Madison?
Well, because they don't need me here. They need me in New York.
They need him, Em. Will's the man. I can't believe you're Ietting him go.
I mean, don't you know about New York girls?
Besides being incredibly hot, they have no problem with casual sex,
which by the way, I totally respect.
-What if Charlie's right? -Charlie's never right.
-He's functionally retarded. -I am worried New York's gonna change you.
-Change can be good. -If we change together.
So, we'II change together.
Okay? It's two months in New York. I'II be back before you know it.
Besides, we have a plan, right?
The other thing I can't believe is that you'd risk Ieaving Emily here with me,
'cause I gotta tell you, I've always had a thing for you...
And I have absolutely no scruples.
Wait! I almost forgot. You have to give this to Summer.
She's the only girl I know in New York.
-I want you to meet her. -Summer Hartley?
-Yes. Yes. -That's her name?
She was on my exchange program at Cambridge,
and all the guys wanted to sleep with her, and you probably will, too.
Maybe you should mail it to her.
-That might be a better idea. -No.
What is it?
Something I should have sent her a Iong time ago.
I Iove you, William Hayes.
(CAR HORN HONKING)
Okay. Go, go, go. Go be your brilliant self.
MAYA: Emily sounds like she would make a good mom.
-I just don't know if she's my mom. -WILLIAM: Why not?
MAYA: Everyone knows that the girlfriend
in the beginning of the story always gets dumped.
Which means maybe Summer Hartley is my mother.
WILLIAM: I'll never forget that day.
There I was, arriving in the city I always dreamed about
to work on a campaign that I believed in with all of my heart.
And on top of that, I was positive that in just a few hours,
the campaign manager would realize how brilliant I was.
And then I'd be writing speeches,
and then I'd be coming up with strategy, and before long...
GARETH: Will Hayes?
-Hey. Gareth Henderson. -You're Gareth.
-Hey, how are you? -Nice to meet you. We're walking, Hayes.
I brought my C.V. and a sample of some speeches I wrote for Congressman Sweeney.
Fantastic. I cannot wait to peruse these in my abundant spare time.
In the meantime, here's a sample of the coffee and bagel order
I'II need filled immediately.
Wait!
You want me to get coffee?
At some point in our Iives, we all get coffee. Your time's now. Come on.
We're still walking, Hayes.
Have the coffee here by 10:00, or Arthur's gonna kill me!
That means I'm gonna have to kill you. I've killed before, Hayes.
-You should know that. -What is this?
That is a cellular telephone
so I can get a hold of you wherever, whenever, for whatever.
-Can somebody get me an aspirin, please? -Watch it!
GIad to have you aboard, Hayes!
-Hi. -What? Hi.
ARTHUR: Four weeks from now, voters of New York State
will select their next Democratic nominee for President.
Now, if Bill CIinton wins,
I want you to all understand that it's gonna be as a direct result
of the commitment and the energy of every person in this room.
And I mean that. That's just a fact.
Now, that's how important the work is.
That each and every one of you is...
(WILLIAM SCREAMS)
(CRASHING)
WILLIAM: (SHOUTING) What am I doing here?
It's the new guy.
-Hey. -Hey, is that the toilet paper guy?
-Can I get a pack of Morley Red, please? -3.25.
3.25? These are $2.15 in Madison, Wisconsin.
So go back to Madison.
-Don't forget to write. -That's right. Don't forget to write.
MAYA: Hold it! Stop. Stop right there!
You smoked?
No. Yeah.
But I didn't mean to tell you that.
Listen. I was young, and I was stupid, and I haven't smoked in years.
I promise you.
Is there anything else you should tell me?
Probably not.
-Can I get 10 copies? -Put them on the pile.
No, they're for Arthur. I need them Iike, 15 minutes ago.
So if you wouldn't mind...
You're the toilet paper guy.
MAYA: Wait. Who's that? WILLIAM: That's April.
Yes. I am, in fact, the toilet paper guy,
but feel free to call me the bagel-and-coffee guy.
Or Todd in Accounting calls me Crystal, which I'm pretty sure is a girl's name.
-How many copies? -Ten. PIease.
-These? -Yeah, both of those.
What made you become a Bill CIinton supporter?
I'm not. This is a money gig. I get paid 12 an hour,
which is better than babysitting, which is what I've been doing way too much of.
You're a Democrat, right?
Why does everyone have to be a Democrat or a Republican?
I'm struggling with the copy machine.
No, hold on. You're an Independent, aren't you?
I am nothing. Why am I obligated to be something?
Why do I have to have an opinion about everything anyway?
I mean, really, what do I know about missile systems
or Social Security, or the tax code?
What about civil rights or women's rights?
A woman's right to do what she wants with her body? What about that?
I do what I want with my body.
That's apathetic.
-I'm not apathetic. -Yes, you are.
I'm not. I just know that these bozos you're working for,
they don't care about anything more than their own ambitions.
That's absolutely not true.
You think this guy, Bill CIinton, is gonna make a huge difference?
-I do. -He's gonna do what's already inevitable.
-Okay, that's where you're wrong. -Don't make me staple your head!
You're wrong. He's gonna make a difference with African Americans.
He's gonna make a difference with women. He gets women.
-My God. -I mean, Iook at his record in Arkansas.
(SNORING)
Read his plans on health care. Read his plans on education.
-Okay, or don't. You know, yeah. -Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
-Yeah, I'm sorry. -I just fell asleep.
-I'm really sorry. -Yeah. That's fine.
Wake up to a new America.
-I believe you. -This has been really interesting.
-Fine. You convinced me. You're nothing. -I'm nothing.
FLOWERS ON TV: So I'm here to repeat in front of all of you...
MAN: Hey! Listen up! Look up, everybody!
Yes, I was Bill Clinton's lover for 12 years.
WOMAN: Hey, somebody turn it up.
For the past two years, I have lied to the press about our relationship to protect him.
The truth is, I loved him.
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
Now he tells me to deny it.
Well, I'm sick of all of the deceit, and I'm sick of all of the lies.
Well, you're right about one thing. He certainly gets women.
-This has been fun. Yeah. -(LAUGHING) Bye, toilet paper guy.
Bye, copy girl.
MAN: Oh, my God. It never ends.
They just keep playing it over and over and over again.
-WOMAN: It's gonna blow over. -Right.
People don't really care about this stuff.
-That's the thing. -What I don't understand,
I've heard Bush has a mistress.
Everybody's talking about it, so why is it okay for him and not for CIinton?
She's trashy.
(MAN LAUGHING)
I mean, her hair alone is enough reason to go after CIinton.
Big deal. Everyone has their weaknesses, you know?
Those chubby redheads with the Iong, fake fingernails?
-That's what Daddy Iikes. -That's just nasty.
Gareth, you are unfailingly repugnant.
Hey. That is a coincidence. I Iove women that say "unfailingly repugnant."
WILLIAM: You know what I Iove?
I Iove Iong-haired brunettes with horn-rimmed glasses.
I have no idea why. They're Iike kryptonite to me.
I got that one, too.
I got a thing for guys who've got a thing for me.
You might wanna Iook at that. I'm gonna propose a toast.
I am fine with that.
-To Bill and his weaknesses. -Yes.
-To Bill. -To Bill.
(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
(PHONE RINGING)
EMILY: Hello?
Hey! It's me!
-Is that Emily? -Is that Emily?
-Hi, Emily! -Hi, Emily!
What's all that noise?
Nothing. That's just a couple of idiots I work with making fun of me
because they don't have a beautiful girlfriend that they're eternally devoted to!
You're drunk.
You're beautiful.
-You're horny. -You might be right.
(EMILY LAUGHING)
Emily? Come to New York.
You'II Iove it here. It's the energy, the people. It's amazing.
Whoa, did you just say "energy"? Will, you did not just say "energy. "
What?
You're never coming back.
Hey, come on, now. I just want you to come for a weekend.
You're right. I'm sorry.
Did you call Summer?
No. I Ieft her a message. She didn't get back to me.
Hey. You okay?
Yeah. I'm just really lonely here,
and I miss you Iike crazy, and it's really hard.
Yeah. I know what you mean.
-Hey. What are you doing up? -WILLIAM: Mr. McCormack.
Come on, you've been staring at that package for about a week now.
How was the rest of your evening? Successful, I take it.
Oh, my goodness. I'm in big trouble. I Iove this girl!
You know, that's usually a good thing.
It's hard enough to get elected the first black President
without having Julia Roberts on your arm at the inauguration.
That is an impressive mental Ieap, Russ,
going from a one-night stand to being sworn in as President.
Open it.
I know you're dying to know what's inside.
Just her name alone, Summer Hartley, is driving me...
Look it! You got a tear right there! I see it.
Come on through. You can do it.
Thank you. Yes.
-It's a diary. -Sweet Jesus. Let me see.
No! Stop! Stop right there. We're not gonna read this. We can't.
WILLIAM: "The boys' dorm is across the quad, their windows visible from ours.
"The evenings are hot and sticky.
"We are all half-dressed, pretending we can't be seen by the boys.
"Some of us are bold. My new friend
"Emily is sweet
"and embarrassed by it all, always waiting to see what I will do."
Don't stop! This is good stuff. Where were you? Okay.
"It's our Iast night, and the plan has been in place for days.
"Emily and I are the Iast to Ieave,
"and as we reach the stairs, I grab Emily firmly by her wrist.
"She Iooks up at me expectantly and I know what will happen next."
-Do you? -I think I have a pretty good idea.
Oh, my goodness!
What are you doing? This is good stuff, man!
Wait a minute.
Is that your Emily?
Good night, Russell!
She is a freak!
Put the picture back!
WILLIAM: Wow.
-HAMPTON: Who is it? -Will Hayes. I called earlier.
(CLEARS THROAT)
HAMPTON: You a Jehovah's Witness?
No.
Christ, you're tall.
(LATCH UNLOCKING)
Hi.
(BLUES MUSIC PLAYING ON PHONOGRAPH)
-Come in. -Okay.
CIose the door behind you.
HAMPTON: Lock it!
Summer said to hang tight. She'II be back. She wants you to wait.
-What do you got in there? -I don't know. Are you Summer's father?
Yeah. I'm her daddy.
-Drink? -No. No. It's a Iittle early for me.
Early. You're fresh off the boat, aren't you?
So tell me about yourself. What's your deal? What do you aspire to?
What are your dreams? What are your fancies?
What do you want to be when you grow up?
-Sit down! -Okay.
What do you do now? You...
Wait, don't tell me. You work for your daddy.
-No. -No, don't tell me!
Wall Street. No!
You kiss ass to some fancy uptown Iaw firm.
-Actually... -No! I give up. What do you do?
I'm working for Bill CIinton. He's running for President.
No.
I know who Bill CIinton is.
Yeah, in fact, I know more about Bill CIinton than his own mother.
-Really? -Yep.
-What do you do? -What do I do?
I drink!
Drink!
Be a man.
There you go! Isn't that better?
Swallow!
So tell me about Bill CIinton.
Hey. Wake up.
You want some aspirin?
-You must be Will. -Hi.
I see you drank my boyfriend under the table.
-WILLIAM: He's not your father? -(CHUCKLES) Is that what he told you?
Hmm.
He's my thesis advisor.
Oh.
What else did he tell you?
He was telling me how to be a real man, as opposed to the sort of
-boy-man I seem to be. -Did you Iearn anything?
Yeah, there's a Iot of drinking involved.
AIso cursing and fighting.
-Sex? -Yes.
AIthough that's not what we real men call it.
What do you call it?
I have something for you. This is from Emily.
-Haven't talked to her in ages. -We'II be moving in together in the fall.
Uh-huh.
Oh, please! Daddy.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, come on! No.
Oh, this is...
Did you read this?
I didn't.
-I read a page. -A page.
-Two pages at the most. -Two?
And the part about you and Emily touching each other and kissing.
-Oh! That part, yeah. -Incredibly descriptive. I felt Iike I was there.
You're a great writer. I mean...
I think you should keep it. You should read it when you're Ionely.
-I can't. It's your diary, so I can't do that. -No, really, really. I just, I don't need it.
I've already got it memorized, so I'II just Ieave it on the table.
Keep a hard copy. That might be nice for me.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I wonder why Emily gave it to you to give to me.
Hmm.
Hampton?
-Hampton? -Are you gonna join us?
That's Hampton Roth. He's an incredible writer.
-His book on the McGovern campaign is... -Yeah.
-You... -Yeah. We do.
Look, have you ever actually had sex with a sexagenarian?
-I haven't. -Well, then you shouldn't really judge.
Well, actually, I'm not judging. Look at you.
You're beautiful. You're sophisticated. You're a very talented writer.
Thank you.
I mean, to please a woman Iike you, it would obviously take a...
-Real man. -Exactly.
-Hard to compete with that. -Well, unless you're the competitive type.
-Yep, nice to meet you. -Yeah, it was great meeting you, too.
I feel horrible about taking the...
Sorry.
I was just curious.
Hampton encourages me to cultivate my curiosity.
He says it's the key to being a good journalist.
Yeah.
HAMPTON: Summer! Daddy's hungry!
-Speak of the devil. Better go. Yeah. -Hmm.
HAMPTON: Where the hell are you?
-Okay, bye. -Bye.
Yeah, give us a call sometime. We should all go out for dinner.
I'd... Yeah, I'd Iove dinner.
-Yeah. -HAMPTON: Hey!
-Are you gonna call her? -Are you insane?
-Well, what are you gonna do? -What am I gonna do?
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
I'm gonna keep my eye on the ball. Emily and I have a future. We have a plan.
Which may involve some type of threesome now.
Or foursome if that old dude is still in the picture.
You're not helping.
I never should have opened that diary. It's Iike Pandora's hot, sexy box.
MAYA: What's a threesome?
-What? -A threesome.
That's a game that adults play sometimes when they're bored.
Whatever. So what happened with Emily?
Nothing. I wanted to wait till she came for a visit,
and then I decided to do something really dramatic.
WILLIAM: It was just one week before the primary, and I had graduated
from bagels and toilet paper to signs and bumper stickers.
(SCREAMS)
Jesus! Mercy!
Hold, please.
What am I doing here?
Move over! Another foot! Go, another foot. Move over!
Over, over, over!
Just want to Iet everyone know that the new signs are ready.
They're Iooking good.
I wrote three speeches for Congressman Sweeney.
(STAPLING CONTINUES)
How's high school?
He's from Texas. His name's George Bush. But he is not the President.
Instead, he's the eldest son of George and Barbara
and considered a key political advisor of the White House.
Bryant, well, you forgot to mention the Texas Rangers.
BRYANT: Oh, okay.
Man, if this guy's smart, he'II go back to baseball.
-No kidding. -Anybody see Hayes?
-No. -No.
Hayes! Where is Hayes? Hayes!
Is it true you graduated first of your class at Madison?
-Yeah. -AII right.
-Come on. We're walking. -We're walking.
Here's a Iist of Madison graduates in the New York area.
These people earn 200 grand plus a year.
We have a $10,000-a-plate fundraiser on Monday with 15 empty tables.
I can't have that, Hayes. I need you to sell five of them.
Hold on. No more coffee, bagels?
-We'II see how this goes, okay? -Gareth.
-What? -Thank you. I'm really happy right now.
-Okay, Hayes. -Okay.
-There's the desk. -Look at that. Yeah.
Yeah, that's funny, the toilet paper.
That's good because it's ironic.
Yeah, that's right, everybody. My desk.
Right here, I got a desk, and I got a Iist.
And I have a phone. And this empty basket.
No, no, no, I really don't agree
that the Governor has a character problem, Mrs. Perleman.
Did you know that 50% of Americans believe that
marijuana use should be Iegalized?
(PHONE LINE DRONES)
Hello?
No, no, no, he wasn't a draft dodger.
Besides, did you know that the majority of Americans believe
that the Vietnam War was just a terrible idea?
Both Iegs.
Wow, I am sorry. You must miss them.
(PHONE LINE DRONES)
Yes, I understand your concern, but I think you should remember
that the Governor comes from a town called Hope.
And hope is exactly what he stands for, so...
No, no, I know it's corny, but I also think
that sometimes corny is exactly what this country needs.
That would be wonderful. No, thank you.
Two seats.
Okay, great. Thank you, Mr. Bishop.
Yeah, the dinner's next Thursday.
Yes, when I spoke with Hillary this morning
she said that she wanted to get to know our most important supporters.
No, I think you'd definitely enjoy meeting her.
Yeah.
An entire table? No, that is very possible.
I'II put you down for one table, then. That sounds great.
Okay, I Iook forward to seeing you next Thursday.
Okay, thank you.
I just sold an entire table for $50,000.
(ALL CHEERING)
That's my guy, Will. My guy.
ALL: (CHANTING) Toilet paper guy! Toilet paper guy!
Good evening, gentlemen. Pack of Reds, please.
3.60. New tax and a new warning.
Christ.
MAN: Tell us the truth, my friend.
-Did that CIinton inhale or not? -What does it matter?
That's Iike if your girlfriend catches you in bed with another woman, then you say,
"But we didn't do it."
-What, is that gonna matter to her? -Yeah, it does. Hi.
-Hello. -Pack of American Eagles, blue, please.
4.25.
4.25? You pay $4.25 for a pack of cigarettes?
They don't put as many chemicals in them.
-So those are healthy cigarettes. -Something Iike that.
So if there's not as many chemicals in them,
they should cost Iess, not more, don't you think?
They put saltpeter in your cigarettes,
which make them burn faster, which make you smoke more.
Which means, at the end of the day, your cigarettes actually cost more, not Iess.
Copy girl, what I think you're actually paying for
is the picture of the eagle and the pretty pastel colors.
Some reassuring idea about your Iifestyle. The rest is pretty much crap.
-You wanna bet? -Sure.
-20 bucks. -I got 20 bucks.
Easiest 20 bucks I ever made.
-Really? -Yeah.
WILLIAM: That's funny. In a minute, I'II have 40.
Okay, we have to inhale at the same time for the same amount of time.
-Yep. -Ready, steady, go.
-It's my birthday today. -Happy birthday.
Why aren't you out celebrating?
My boyfriend, Lucas, was taking me out for dinner and then to a party.
But at Iast minute, he gets a gig in Philly, which, of course, he takes 'cause...
Truth is he's far more interested in being
the next Kurt Cobain than being my boyfriend.
Who's Kurt Cobain?
You're kidding me!
What?
Smoke.
Oh.
-Look at that. -Look at that.
(CLICKING TONGUE)
(GROANS)
(LAUGHING)
-AII right. -No, come on.
The satisfaction of me being right
and you being wrong is more than enough for me.
Well, I never welsh on a bet, so I'II tell you what.
I'II take you out for dinner, for a birthday dinner.
-What do you say? -Like a date?
No, I didn't mean it Iike that.
Like an "I feel sorry for you
"because it's your birthday and you have no plans" dinner.
-You know, one of those. -Well, I'II tell you what.
You can take me to this party I have to go to,
because there's no way I can face going alone.
(TRIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
MAN: Yeah, I'm gonna go head over...
Whoa.
I think I'm a Iittle out of my Ieague here.
Yes, you are.
So Emily is what, Iike, your college sweetheart?
-It's amazing how you do that. -What?
The way you take the simplest statement,
and then you twist it with a completely negative connotation.
-It's really, actually, impressive. I'm amazed. -I didn't mean to do that.
-But I understand. I get it. -I actually think it's very sweet.
-See, you did it again. -Really?
-Yeah. -I don't even know I'm doing it.
It's probably hard for you to imagine a relationship based on mutual respect
without even the slightest hint of whatever you call it, masochism.
Well, if your deal with Emily is so gosh darn wonderful,
then why don't you just marry her?
What's stopping you?
Nothing.
-Wow. -Wow.
She gets it tomorrow. I made a reservation
at some fancy French restaurant on the Upper East Side.
Oh, my God. You're doing it in front of a room full of strangers?
-Yeah, I am. What's wrong with that? -No, nothing. I think it shows confidence.
What are you gonna say?
-I'm still working on it. I don't know. -Oh, you should work on it with me.
You should practice with me. I'm really good at that. I will be Emily.
I'm Emily, your college sweetheart. Is there something you wanted to ask me?
-Emily... -Wait! You've got to get down on your knee.
No, I'm not getting down on my knee.
She'II Iike it. She'II Iike seeing you down on your knee.
-I'm not getting down on my knee. -Such a mistake. Okay.
-Emily. -Yes, William.
Don't make me Iaugh. Emily,
will you,
um,
marry me?
-No. -Oh, my God.
Well, what do you mean, "Will you, um, marry me?"
I haven't seen you in weeks!
You don't Iook happy or excited about the prospect of our marriage!
You're asking me to give up my freedom,
my joie de vivre
for an institution that fails as often as it succeeds?
And why should I marry you, anyway? I mean, why do you wanna marry me?
Besides some bourgeois desire to fulfill an ideal that society embeds in us
from an early age to promote a consumer capitalist agenda?
Oh!
(CHUCKLING) Oh, my God!
-You should've got on your knee! -Just shut up!
Here.
I wanna marry you because you're the first person
that I want to Iook at when I wake up in the morning
and the only one I wanna kiss goodnight.
Because the first time that I saw these hands,
I couldn't imagine not being able to hold them.
But mainly, when you Iove someone as much as I Iove you
getting married is the only thing Ieft to do.
So will you...
Um...
marry me?
Definitely. Maybe.
I have to think about it.
Walk me home?
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
-Do you want a cup of tea? -Yeah. I'd Iove one.
Hey.
How come you have so many copies of Jane Eyre?
-It's a Iong story. -Really?
It seems to be about 300 pages or so.
(LAUGHS)
WILLIAM: Seriously, why?
For my 13th birthday, I wanted a pair of gold stud earrings,
and instead my dad bought me a hardcover copy of Jane Eyre.
And inside, he wrote a beautiful inscription, which I could care Iess about at the time
seeing as I was so pissed about the earrings,
which was tragic as it turned out 'cause it was the Iast present he ever gave me.
What do you mean?
He died three weeks Iater in a car accident.
Jesus. That's awful.
I'm sorry.
-Have you ever read it? -No.
I read it every year or two. Each time it's different.
It tells me different things.
Anyhow, when I went away to college, my mom sold our house
and somewhere along the way, Jane Eyre got Iost.
Now, every time I pass a second-hand bookstore,
I Iook for the copy that my dad bought me for my birthday.
(COME AS YOU ARE PLAYING)
I know I'II never find it.
It's stupid, but it's become this, Iike, weird superstitious Iittle...
-It's not stupid. -Thanks. Hobby.
What are all these?
Oh, these are the ones I found that have inscriptions.
"With Iove and hopes and dreams of second chances. AIice."
What is this?
This is Kurt Cobain. This is Nirvana. Do you Iike it?
Yeah, I do.
You think it's ridiculous that I want to be a politician, don't you?
-Yes. -Thank you.
No, no, I get the whole politician thing. It's easy to Iike you.
That's true. That's very true.
I just wonder if you want people to Iike you a Iittle too much.
That's also true.
I should want them to hate me.
I'm gonna start working on that right away. You got any tips for me?
No, but you're off to a great start.
-Yeah? -I'm hating you already.
Good.
What do you wanna be when you grow up?
I mean, you're too smart to be making Xeroxes
-and babysitting. -No.
-I don't know! -Whatever else you do.
I don't know, and I don't know how to know. You know?
(SIGHS)
You know what I really wanna do
is I wanna go to all those places that I know nothing about.
I've been saving money.
But I can't even get it together to do that.
Probably because I'm stuck in a rut with this guy.
You should dump him.
I know that's none of my business, but you're too good for him.
You are.
-You know what's really cool? -I don't.
We can just sit here and we don't have to worry about
-flirting or all the attraction stuff. -AII that stuff.
Very cool.
Yeah.
(BLUES MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
I got to go.
Dumbass!
(ELEVATOR DINGING)
(PANTING)
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
(SCREAMS)
(HOUSEKEEPER SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
-Oh, God. -RUSSELL: There he is!
-Told you he wouldn't be Iong. -Hi! I wanted to surprise you!
-I took the red-eye! -(WHEEZING) That's incredible!
I was just telling Emily how Arthur sent you to AIbany as part of the advance team.
-Advance team. -RUSSELL: Yeah. How'd it go?
-How'd it go? Man, it went great! -Great.
-Great.
-Are you okay? -Oh, yeah, I was just getting a Iittle exercise.
-I ran up the stairs. -Okay.
I'm going to the office. It's... Got a big day. Nice meeting you.
-And you. -Okay.
Okay.
(WHISPERING) Good Iuck.
-Hi. -Hi.
-Here. -Yeah.
Hey.
-It's weird. Your tongue tastes different. -What?
It tastes different, your tongue.
-That is weird. -It's not bad. It's just different.
Maybe it's the tap water here.
Or the pH balance... I don't know what I'm talking about.
Told you New York was gonna change you.
-Could we maybe go for a walk? -Yeah.
-Just to get some air? -Yeah, you could see New York.
I would Iove that.
WILLIAM: So, did I ever tell you... EMILY: I was gonna...
-Oh, sorry. No, go. -What?
I was gonna say, did I ever tell you about the day my dad proposed to my mom?
No.
Well, Dad was on his way to meet my mom to propose,
and he runs into his ex-girlfriend, Caroline Hopper.
And they're talking, they're Iooking at each other,
and all these old feelings, they start coming up.
And he's thinking,
(SIGHS)
"I could run away right now with Caroline Hopper,
"be a happy man.
"AII I have to do is kiss her."
But instead, he Iooks up,
and he sees my mom walking around the corner.
And that moment he knows that he had no reason to be afraid.
You understand?
Am I Caroline Hopper in this story or your mom?
(EMILY GASPS)
Oh, my God! I'm your mom!
-Emily, when I saw you this morning... -Will, please.
-...I knew... -Put that back in your pocket.
-Just stand up, Will. Stop. -...with absolute clarity.
-Wait, wait, wait. -I have no reason to be afraid.
-Let's think about this. -I'm not afraid of this.
It's just Iike the day that my...
Will!
I slept with Charlie!
(BIRDS FLUTTERING)
(SIGHS)
I thought we had a plan.
Well, you had a plan, Will. You have a really big plan!
-Pretty sure we both had that plan. -I just can't keep pretending
-that I want to be part of it anymore. -You were there
-when we made it. -And I didn't know how to tell you.
How do you tell someone that you care about
that you don't want the same things
-they want anymore? -The best way?
Definitely having sex with the roommate.
(SIGHS)
It was cowardly, and I'm sorry.
Oh, good.
(GROANING)
You're killing me.
No, I'm not. I'm Ietting you go.
'Cause if we stay together, Will, we're gonna be miserable.
I'm gonna hold you back from all these...
-That's not true. -...incredible dreams that you have.
And then, eventually, you're totally gonna hate me for it.
-No. -Yes.
Will, I don't want that, and you don't want that.
Trust me.
You're gonna be just fine, Mr. Hayes,
without me.
Wow.
Yeah.
Wow.
ANNOUNCER: Here is Tom Brokaw in New York.
Good evening. Bill Clinton may have been wounded in New York,
but the big question tonight is, to what degree?
Because, after all, he is the big survivor, indeed, the victor
in the New York primary and by a comfortable margin.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(TOM CHATTERING ON TV)
WOMEN: (SINGING) Goes 'round the moon
I see the passion in your eyes
Sometimes it's all a big surprise
'Cause there was a time when all I did
(ALL CHATTERING)
Hey.
Congratulations.
I hear they asked you to stay on. You must be very happy.
Yeah, yeah, he did, and I am. Very, very happy.
Really? Why do I feel Iike I should hide the razor blades?
And the staplers and those scissors?
I'II be fine. But this song, it's an excellent cure for the will to Iive.
I know. What about the dancing? Make that end.
(CHUCKLES)
I'm sorry about the other night.
It's okay. I just didn't think that Lucas would approve.
-Or Emily, for that matter. -(SCOFFS) Well.
Besides, you and me, it'd kind of be Iike cats and dogs.
Yeah. Yeah.
-Oil and water. -Sandpaper and bare ass.
-That's gross. That's just gross. -You'd be the ass.
Yeah. No, thank you.
-I'd be honored. -Lennon and McCartney.
-They were good together. -Yeah, while it Iasted,
and then they couldn't even be friends.
(LAUGHING)
-I think we can, at Ieast, manage that. -I think we could.
(WOMAN LAUGHING)
-Enchanté. -Yeah. Salud.
-Come on, Iet's dance. -No.
-Why? -Okay.
WILLIAM: You ready? RUSSELL: Yeah.
MAYA: Guess that's it for Emily.
I can't believe that she rehearsed with Charlie.
-I can't believe it, either. -That Ieaves April. Maybe Summer.
-Anybody else? -I was too busy.
I was too busy working on the campaign.
Anyway, when CIinton got elected,
Russell and I started our own consulting firm,
(CAMERA CLICKING)
and we worked on campaigns for everybody.
City council, state senate.
We even did one for the Iocal dog catcher.
That's very interesting, Dad, but what about girlfriends?
-What about Mom? -Well, I started dating again.
-But nothing serious. -What about April? What happened to her?
Well, a week after Kurt Cobain died, she broke up with her boyfriend.
She went traveling.
She traveled all over the world, just like she always dreamed of doing.
And she says that it was because of something
that I said to her on her birthday.
Anyway, we started writing postcards. We started writing letters.
And before I knew it, even though we were separated by entire worlds,
we became great friends.
WILLIAM: It was 1994, and New York was full of new life.
More jobs, more money.
That was the start of the Internet. And overnight, everyone in Manhattan
had a cell phone.
Can you hear me now?
WILLIAM: Which they never put down.
And then, our old boss, Arthur Robredo gave Russell and me our first big break.
-This just came for you. -Thanks.
I had finally made it inside the room.
-Gareth. -Hayes.
Good morning.
Hey, Iet's get this party started.
What's the word from upstate?
WILLIAM: For the first time, New York was coming to me,
instead of the other way around.
"The most endangered species in our nation
"isn't a big woodpecker or some freshwater fish.
"It's the tongue in our heads!
"Listen to the truncated bastard Ianguage of today.
"The average vocabulary is a third of what it was 100 years ago.
"Words fall out of our mouths and die at our feet!
"The Iandscape of vocabulary is being hacked down
"and grubbed up by the dribble of pop culture,
"poisoned by Iazy obscenity..."
(WHISPERING) Will?
HAMPTON: "...infantilized by a youth-obsessed media..."
-Hey. -Hey.
It's my favorite man-boy. You Iook very manly.
Well, thank you, thank you. That's the aim.
-How's Emily? -Emily.
She's starring in somebody else's diary now.
Oh.
-How's the Professor? -The Professor is wonderful.
-He's funny. -He dumped me for a sophomore.
Told me it was for my own good.
Everybody seems to be using that Iine these days.
What have you been up to?
I'm writing these really dumb items for New York Magazine.
Waiting for my big break.
"And 'syntax' isn't what Nevada brothels pay the IRS."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-I'm gonna go Iisten to the Professor. -Sure.
Nice glasses.
HAMPTON: "Listen to your kids if you can."
WOMAN: Thank you. WILLIAM: Scotch, rocks, please.
William Hayes!
From... Don't tell me!
Wisconsin! Yes, the Cheese State.
Very nice of you to come to our Iittle shindig.
-I'II have another, please. -PIeasure.
Yeah. Summer tells me you're writing speeches now for Arthur Robredo?
-She tells me you're dating a sophomore. -No. Actually, it's two freshmen,
which, on a good day, add up to a sophomore, I suppose.
Walk with me. Why would you wanna work for a hack Iike Arthur Robredo?
As I recall from our first encounter, you're a man of principles and ideals, even.
Don't tell me you're just another yuppie puppy in an Armani suit.
You were wonderful, darling. Is he being nice? You being nice?
-Nice? Yeah, he can handle himself. -Sure, I can handle myself.
First of all, Arthur Robredo is not a hack. He's worked his way up from the streets.
He was a cop, an entrepreneur.
He's a putz. This is exactly what my book is about.
Here. Read it. It's free.
Beauty, ideals, Iove don't mean squat anymore.
-It's all about power and money. -I've read every single one of your books,
and you're completely obsessed with power and money.
That's because he doesn't have any. Right, babe?
Babe, I am about the Iove.
-As you know. -Yes.
That's why you keep me around.
To keep that rampant, rapacious ambition of yours in check.
I have a thought.
Why don't you use that newly acquired scintilla of power and influence
to get Summer here to write an article about your man Robredo?
That way Summer gets a break, and you get the word out.
-What do you get, Hampton? -Yeah.
I guess it's the Iove. More of the Iove. Yeah, that's what I'm about.
More Iove.
-MAYA: I knew Summer would be back. -Did you?
You know what? At first, I didn't want Summer to be my mom.
But now I'm kinda Iiking her. Did you ask her out on a date?
Uh-uh.
I wanted to, but I couldn't 'cause she was writing the article.
-Wow. This is pretty good. -Will, this is really good.
(DIALING)
SUMMER: Are you sure it didn't seem like a puff piece?
No, it's perfect. It's absolutely...
You know, there's one part, though, that kind of bothered me.
"William Hayes,
"Robredo's chief speech writer, is both intense and boyishly handsome."
-Boyishly? I mean... -Yeah.
(GRUNTS)
You know, I originally wrote,
"William Hayes has seductive eyes and the intriguing Iooks of someone
"whose clothes you wanna rip from his very body,"
but the editor made me change it.
There's just no room for truth in journalism.
Did you always want to be a journalist?
No. Until I was 16, I wanted to be an actress. I wanted to sing on Broadway.
Wow. Really?
Yeah, really. Is that hard to believe?
Well, aren't actresses needy and emotional and, you know, insecure?
That sort of thing.
What are you saying? That I don't need? That I don't have emotions?
-I'm an incredibly needy person. -I'm not saying that.
-I'm a very needy person. -You know what I'm saying?
I'm saying I would Iove to hear a song.
-I'm sorry? -Give us a song.
-You want me to sing you a song? -Why not?
-You have a favorite? -Yes.
-You do? -Yeah.
Okay.
(CLEARING THROAT)
(SINGING) How glad the many millions
Of Timothys and Williams would be
-I'm a William. -Don't interrupt.
To capture me
But you had such persistence
You wore down my resistance
I fell
And it was swell
Wow.
Will you please put it on?
You know, it really isn't so bad.
You know what the funny part is? It's $1,000.
I've got a crush on you, sweetie pie
Frank Sinatra, Linda Ronstadt.
-Why? -A whole bunch of these.
Well, if you Iook on the back, they all have one common song, which is...
-I've Got A Crush On You. -Every one of them.
-How's it going? -Still got a Iot to do.
Yeah, me, too.
-Yeah, I'm about done. -Yeah, me, too.
The world will pardon my mush
'Cause I've got a crush, my baby, on...
Was I snoring?
Uh-uh.
You know what I've never done?
What?
I've never spent the whole day in bed with a really great guy.
Me, neither.
I'm serious.
I always think of something more important to do.
(WHISPERS) I'm a workaholic.
(WILLIAM EXCLAIMS)
It's really bad.
Will you spend the whole day in bed with me?
We do nothing.
(PHONE RINGING)
Oh.
(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
(ANSWERING MACHINE CLICKS)
Hi, this is Summer. Please leave a message, and I will call you back.
(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS)
This is Dr. Levenstein
from the Columbia Presbyterian emergency room. We have...
Emergency room? Hello?
-Mr. Roth has had an aortal rupture. -What does that mean exactly?
Think of it Iike a tire blowing out on the highway
after going too fast for way too Iong.
(HEART MONITOR BEEPING)
How's that, Mr. Roth? Are you comfortable?
I make a Iiving.
(BOTH SNIGGERING)
Come on, sweetheart, give me a smile. I've waited my whole Iife to do that joke.
Poor Hampton.
Ow!
Summer's come.
-What's he doing here? -Hello, Hampton.
Hello.
(CHATTERING ON PHONE)
(SUMMER LAUGHING)
One thing they've Ieft intact.
No, no, no, no, no, no, don't mention grassroots.
Don't mention osmosis.
It's killing me that you're going out with the kid.
Really? It's not the booze or the cigarettes or the sophomores?
-That has nothing to do with this. -Nothing to do with it.
Listen, I want you to know I've donated my organs to medical science
except for one, which is for you.
-Sweetie, that's so kind. -No, no, not that.
My heart, stupid.
(LAUGHING)
PIease tell me you're not in Iove with him.
I can't do that.
(SIGHS)
Can I have a cigarette? Just a dying man's Iast request.
Not happening. God, you're such a drama queen.
Nobody's dying.
What do you care if I'm in Iove with him, huh?
You're the one who set us up, remember?
Yeah, well, I kind of figured you'd chew him up and spit him out.
You're such a sweetie. You're a sweet guy, you know that?
-I read the Robredo piece. -Yeah.
The guy's been in New York politics for over 20 years
and all you can dig up is that his daughter had an eating disorder?
What are you saying, Hampton?
Do your job.
(CAR HORNS HONKING)
WILLIAM: I can't believe we're finally gonna meet the President.
-Look at that. -Look at it.
We've come a Iong way from that hotel room on 8th Avenue.
RUSSELL: Thank you very much.
GARETH: I don't believe it! I don't believe it!
Which idiot forgot to check the menus and the programs?
There's no union seal on the menus or the programs.
Are you serious?
The hotel workers won't Iet anybody into the building.
The Teamsters won't set up the satellite feed!
Has anyone seen Robert KIein?
I was with him Iike an hour ago. Now he's gone.
I think he was completely plastered.
How are we supposed to know where Robert KIein is?
You're not gonna believe this, but there's a hailstorm in Chicago.
Who cares about Chicago?
We do. The President's coming in from Chicago.
-Okay, okay. -We can't worry about that right now.
Let me ask you a question. How could you Iet this happen?
-What? What are you talking about? -Why are you jumping down her throat?
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Guys, guys, guys, guys, hey!
Hey, deep breath, okay? Look, Iet's just ask the hotel,
see if we can use the Internet connection and find a printer.
-I'II call KIein's agent. -Great.
Gareth, have a drink.
You, I don't know who you are, but your fly's down.
Be great if you wore underwear. I'm gonna go check the weather in Chicago.
MAN: Table seven's up. Six pasta. Two fish. Get it out the door, now!
(COMPUTER BEEPING)
(SIGHS)
(STATIC BUZZING)
He may not be in your union,
but he still happens to be the President of the United States.
Remember him? So if I was you,
-I'd get your men off that truck and in this... -Gareth!
You can't talk to a Teamster Iike that! Come on.
-This guy... -Everything's gonna be fine.
Look, Iook, check it out.
I downloaded a copy of the union seal.
If you could just please paste it onto a menu,
make 500 copies, use a union shop. We're gonna be home free, here.
Copies? You want me to make copies?
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
Well, at some point, we all make copies. Your time is now.
That's not funny, Hayes. That's very...
Yeah, that's real mature. Where are you going?
I'm walking! Back in half an hour.
What a dick.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
-Yeah. -WOMAN: (WHISPERING) William Hayes?
Speaking.
I'm watching you right now.
And I know all about you and your friend Robredo.
In fact, I know so much, I could bring you both down.
Really?
-Who am I speaking with? -Why don't we meet, and you'll find out?
-Where are you? -I'm close by.
I don't have a Iot of experience with whatever this is.
You're getting warm.
You're hot.
You are so hot!
(APRIL LAUGHING)
I got you!
I thought you were gone through the summer.
No, I thought so, too, but this crazy thing happened.
I mean, I was camping on this beautiful beach in Crete
with all these really cool people, and there was this guy that I Iiked, Paco,
brooding and sexy, monosyllabic and totally my type.
APRIL: One night I'm dancing with Paco and he kisses me,
-an incredible, deep kiss. -WILLIAM: Spare me the details.
-And what do I do? -I don't know. What'd you do?
I start crying.
-I mean, tears are rolling down my cheeks... -Of course you start crying.
...which he doesn't notice 'cause, of course, his hands are all over my body,
which felt nice, which made me feel even more upset,
'cause in a flash
I saw our entire relationship, from present to future tense.
I mean, the incredibly hot start, with Paco basking in my Iove and admiration...
-What are we doing here? -I just got to pick something up.
Just take a second.
And then the inevitable moment, and I don't know why it...
-Hello. -Hi.
I don't know why it happens, but it always does,
when all that Iove and admiration would start to irritate him
and he'd find some way to hurt me.
I mean, sure, after, he'd be sorry.
So...
I decided to unlock his beautiful Iips from mine,
remove his hand from my ass,
(LAUGHS)
-and I walked away. -Good move.
-I walked away, Will! From Paco! -Good move.
-No one walks away from Paco! -I Iike the story.
And it felt Iife-changing.
And I realized I had to tell someone.
When I realized who that person was,
-it was so unexpected. -MAN: Here we are, sir.
It's Iike when something is staring you in the face
and it's Iike you're too blind to see it.
What's that?
I have some news for you, too.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Why are you so upset?
Don't you think it's a Iittle weird we've been writing each other for however Iong
and somehow you neglect to tell me that,
A, you've fallen in Iove, and, B, you've fallen in Iove!
-I told you I was dating someone. -Dating someone.
You just bought a diamond engagement ring for someone!
I'm sorry. I think I was just nervous to tell you.
Why would you be nervous to tell me?
I don't know.
I Iove this girl so much.
I'd just really Iike you to be happy for me.
I can be happy for you. Of course I can be happy for you.
MAYA: Poor April.
She's like the character in the story who's always been the friend.
Then she realized she doesn't just want to be the friend.
She wants to be the girlfriend, except it's too Iate.
What do you mean?
Weren't you Iistening? She came home for you.
GARETH: There's union seals on all the menus, my friend.
WILLIAM: The weather cleared in Chicago. The President will be here by 8:00.
Where's Russ?
Gonna meet you and Arthur in the restaurant.
ROBERT KLEIN: I'm funnier over here.
(HARMONICA PLAYING)
I can't stop my leg
You're early.
(MOANING)
Good to see you.
-You Iook great. -Thank you. You, too.
-That's a nice tie. -Well, you'd know.
So, the magazine asked me to do a follow-up on Robredo.
-Great. -Yeah, it is great. It's also...
(SIGHING) It's...
You just read it.
-You already wrote it. -Yeah.
-He did this? -Yes.
They actually got a friend an early parole.
You know what? I think it happened such a Iong time ago,
and you're way ahead in all the polls.
Yeah, see, I don't think that's gonna matter, because he's the tough-on-crime Democrat.
That's...
When people read this...
Summer, Iisten to me.
If you hand this in, we won't survive it.
I think it'II be a big deal for about a week, and then the storm will pass...
I'm talking about you and me.
"Candidate Brought Down by Speechwriter's Girlfriend."
-Come on. -I'm just doing my job.
I didn't do it the first time around.
And if I didn't write this, somebody else would.
Let them.
Hey, don't hand this in, okay?
You already did.
Mr. Arthur...
(CHATTERING)
ARTHUR: Yeah, sure.
MAYA: I really Iiked Summer.
I can't believe she turned out to be such a...
-Heartbreaker? -No.
-Opportunist? Double-crossing... -Uh-uh.
-Bitch. -Maya.
How could she do that to you?
It's Iike she said. If she didn't write it, someone else would have.
And it was the truth.
So did she? Did she break it?
What?
What happened when the article came out?
You screwed up, man. You really screwed up.
PIease save it. I don't need to hear this right now.
Whenever I figure out whatever I'm supposed to Iearn from all this,
-I'II write you a Ietter! -Yeah, can't wait.
WILLIAM: So I lost my girl, I lost my job, and I lost my friend.
And for a long time, nothing seemed to matter.
But I wasn't the only one with problems.
I did not have sexual relations with that woman,
Miss Lewinsky.
(PHONE RINGING)
I never told anybody to lie.
-Hello? -Are you watching?
These allegations are false.
April?
Yeah, April. Who'd you think it was? Are you watching or not?
Of course I'm watching.
You think he did it, don't you?
I don't think, I know. Look at the picture of her. I Iove her.
She's so his type.
So, what took you so Iong to finally call me back there, red?
I thought I Iost you.
-Feels like years. -I'm calling you now, aren't I?
Yeah.
How are you? What's doing?
I got a new roommate, OIivia.
And I'm working at a bookstore.
But I've been thinking about going back to school.
Cool.
Hey, did I tell you that I hate my job?
I used to love what I do, and now I feel like a complete hack.
-Are you seeing anyone? -Me? Am I... No, no. Absolutely not.
In fact, I haven't had sex since Clinton was re-elected.
APRIL: Why bother? He's having enough sex for the entire country.
WILLIAM: Easy. Easy now.
APRIL: Hey, maybe you should follow his lead and seduce an intern.
WILLIAM: You know, it's funny that you should mention that.
There's a fetching young intern who just started a week ago.
APRIL: Great. Ask her out.
WILLIAM: I should, shouldn't I?
But I don't think I will. You see, I don't want a fling.
I want the real deal.
APRIL: Forget about the real deal. You don't find it, it finds you.
What does that mean? I don't know what that means.
It means that you get to a certain age and then you're ready.
You know, you're ready for kids or a commitment or, you know...
-Sir. -...a mortgage.
-Table's ready. Okay. -Thanks.
You know what I mean?
And the person that you're with then, they become the one.
So you're saying it's not who, but it's when.
-Exactly. -Okay. AII right.
So there's never been a guy, ever, that made you think, "This is it.
"This is him. This is the one."
No.
Okay, then why aren't you out there, you know, enjoying yourself?
I am.
-You are? -Yes.
Right now I'm seeing this guy, Kevin.
-Kevin. -Kevin.
Who the hell's Kevin?
Where did... How come you never, you know, mentioned anything about him?
I'm mentioning him now.
Oh, God! They have fresh mint tea. I Iove fresh mint tea.
I Iove beer.
It depends upon what the meaning of the word "is" is.
If it means "there is none" that is a completely true statement.
(BEEPS)
(ON ANSWERING MACHINE) Hey, this is April.
I want to talk to you about your birthday. Call me.
(BEEPS)
EMILY: Hello. I hope this is the right number. It sounds like you.
It's Emily!
(LAUGHS)
I'm in New York, and I was thinking
maybe we could get a cup of coffee and catch up.
My number...
(BEEPS)
Hey, it's April. I still need to talk to you. Please call me back.
I mean, don't make me come over there and hurt you.
(DOORBELL BUZZING)
Okay, I'm coming!
God, I'm coming.
Yeah, I get it.
What are you doing in there?
-Is this what you're wearing? -What?
It's your birthday party. Everybody is waiting for you.
Oh, Christ.
Five minutes, okay? Five...
(CRASHING)
-WILLIAM: I'm down. -Are you okay?
Yeah. I just need to Iie here for a sec.
(GROANS)
I see you've been eating noodles.
MAN: Hey, everybody, he's here!
(ALL CHEERING)
Thanks.
Hi.
Oh, my God! I didn't think you'd be here!
I couldn't miss your birthday. We came all the way up from Washington.
Happy birthday, gorgeous.
That is a beautiful woman right there.
You had your chance, pal.
RUSSELL: Hayes.
Come on.
(RUSSELL LAUGHING)
-It's great to see you. -Yeah. You Iook...
Homeless, I know.
-Where's Kelly? -She's right over there.
It's her first night out since the baby was born.
Congratulations.
Iran-Contra. Arms for oil, no problem.
But a Iittle "oralness" and you're headed for impeachment.
-No politics! -Maybe he should be impeached.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait! Did he say that?
-Why not? I put my faith in him. We all did. -You Iove him.
I thought he was gonna be different than the other jokers,
but this guy, he can't even define the word "is."
What happens if they give him one of the hard words, Iike "truth"?
-I'd vote for him again. -In a heartbeat.
Will's a Iot of fun.
Yeah, Iet's fill up the tub and drop in a toaster.
That should be a good time.
(ALL SINGING)
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear Will
-Where is he? Where's Will? -I don't know. I was just talking to him.
You missed your birthday cake.
Uh-oh.
-And I baked it. -You baked it.
Do you remember that song?
In your apartment?
Come as you are, as a friend
As a known enemy
-"Memory," not "enemy." -I know, I know, I know.
-Somebody had too much to drink. -No, I didn't.
I didn't, I didn't. I didn't.
-Yes, you did. -I did.
-God, you're beautiful. -Thank you.
What?
The thing is...
(CLEARS THROAT)
The thing is...
Is that I Iike you.
I've always Iiked you.
"Like."
That's pathetic. It's so puny.
"Love" on the other hand...
You'd run away from a word Iike that.
I Iove you.
I'm in Iove with you, April.
-Why didn't you ever tell me? -Come on.
You know exactly why I never told you. You'd never be interested in me.
You're an idiot.
-Stop. -What?
-Not Iike this. -Like what?
Look at you, Will, you're a mess.
Why couldn't you have told me when you had your shit together?
-My shit is together. -Your shit is a mess.
You're a mess.
My shit is a mess?
That's interesting, coming from you, April.
You could do anything on earth, and you work in a bookstore.
What's that all about?
At Ieast I tried. I went out there and I tried.
Look, I'm just saying this as a friend, and I swear, it's just as a friend,
but maybe you should go out there and, you know, get some help.
Go to rehab or Iife rehab or something Iike that.
I don't even know if they have that sort of thing, but if they did...
Okay.
...you know, you could be a prime candidate for that.
-I should go to "Iife rehab"? -Yeah.
Get off my front porch!
April?
(BOTTLE SHATTERS)
You're right.
It is complicated, isn't it?
I mean, you're in Iove with April, who used to be in Iove with Lucas,
and then she fell in Iove with you, but you were in Iove with Summer,
who was always really in Iove with Hampton.
And now that you're in Iove with April, she's in Iove with Kevin.
And no one's in Iove with you.
That's complicated.
Yep.
Then what happened?
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
MAN: Jane Eyre, Random House, 1943.
It's a beautiful edition, known for the cover illustration.
But there's a really nice dedication inside, with a quote from the book.
"To my darling daughter, April. 'The human heart has hidden treasures
-"'In secret kept, in silence sealed..."' -WILLIAM: "'In silence sealed
"'The thoughts, the hopes the dreams, the pleasures
"'Whose charms were broken if revealed'
"From your Ioving father."
-Hi, OIivia. -Hi, Will.
-How you been? -Good.
I haven't heard any of your Iong sorry messages in a while.
Those were delightful, weren't they? Sorry about that.
-April here? -No, she's at school.
-School? -Yeah.
-She started grad school at NYU. -Great. Wow.
-If you want to wait, she'II be home soon. -I'd Iove to.
Make yourself comfortable. I have to finish this application I'm writing.
-Good Iuck. -Thanks.
(SIGHS)
Hey.
How you doing?
Kevin.
Will Hayes.
I'm just waiting for April.
Are you the same Kevin that she mentioned a while back?
(PHONE RINGING)
I hope so. Unless she's collecting Kevins.
OLIVIA: Kevin, phone!
Anyway, I'm pretty sure I am the only Kevin who's actually Iiving with her.
Do you know what you want yet?
-No. -WAITRESS: No?
Will?
William Hayes?
God.
-It is! -Summer.
You Iook beautiful.
Believe it or not, I've been meaning to call you.
-I'm pregnant. -You're what?
-Really? -Can you believe it?
-PIease, sit. Congratulations. -Thanks. Thanks.
Who's the Iucky guy?
-Sam Knowles. -Okay.
But he's basically out of the picture.
-He didn't make the cut, huh? -Yeah.
Well, I don't need a guy. I never really did.
You were about the closest I ever got.
No, really, when I was with you, I thought, "This is it."
But I screwed it up.
-No, you didn't. -I did. I so did.
Listen,
I'm having a Iittle party Sunday.
-I want you to come. -Oh, boy.
4:00. No excuses.
(SIGHING)
Will you come? PIease?
You know, I'II see if I can make it.
-I really want you to. -I'II make it.
I want to make amends with anyone I ever hurt.
And I figure it'II take about nine months,
which is perfect timing.
-And she's off. Bye. -Bye-bye.
William Hayes.
-Dad, maybe this wasn't such a good idea. -WILLIAM: What?
Telling me this story, this mystery Iove story.
-What if I don't Iike who my mom is? -Of course you'II Iike who your mom is.
And you don't have to wait Iong to find out, because that very night...
It's Summer, isn't it? And you're not my father.
No wonder you didn't want to be with her.
Take it easy, Maya. It's just a story.
And this one has a happy ending.
How does it have a happy ending?
You and my mom, whoever she is, you're getting divorced.
What's the happy in that?
Okay, you know what? I think we should stop now.
No!
Then how about a nice cup of tea?
If you want, I'II still continue with the story. Does that sound good?
-Maya? -Okay.
Dad?
I can't believe you smoked and drank and were such a slut.
But I still Iove you.
(SIGHS)
(KETTLE WHISTLING)
Thanks.
AII right. AII right.
No, no. Don't eat it yet! Not till we get to our bench.
You're in a good mood.
Well, I think I discovered who my mom is in the story.
-Really? -Really.
-Well, who is it? -Not telling.
So the Iast time we saw William Hayes,
he had just discovered that the woman he truly Ioved, April Hoffman,
was in Iove with another man.
(WILLIAM GASPS)
I know. Shocking.
Meanwhile, he accepted an invitation
to the home of his ex-girlfriend, Summer Hartley,
who, if she does turn out to be my mother, I'm running away to Canada.
I'm not kidding.
-He died Iast year. -Yeah.
-You heard? -I read about it in The Times.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
-God. Died in his office. Heart attack? -Yeah.
I always imagined that he'd make a more theatrical exit.
What they didn't say was he was on the couch with the dean's daughter.
-Jesus. -I'm kidding.
Actually, he was completely alone and it was hours before the janitor found him.
-You want a drink? -I'm sorry.
-You must miss him. -I do, yeah.
These are for you.
-Oh, Will. -Yeah.
They're beautiful.
So are you.
-Summer. -Will.
Don't mess with me.
I can see where you're going with this.
In a second, you're gonna say something impossibly charming.
-Really? -Yeah. It's gonna be great.
And then you're gonna sweep me off my feet and we all know where that's going.
-Can't a girl miss a guy? -And you know that's gonna end badly.
Yeah, she can,
but I just don't really have time for the pain.
-So Iet's just skip all that, why don't we? -Okay.
Fair enough.
Can we be friends?
-Yeah! Yeah. -Yeah.
-Shake on it? Okay. -Let's do that. AII right.
You know what?
There's someone here I want you to meet.
Yeah. Come with me.
They're an old flame of mine,
and I think you guys are really gonna, you know, hit it off.
Emily.
I'm gonna put these in some water.
-You Iook... -You Iook...
(EMILY CHUCKLING)
You Iook great.
-Why are you in New York? -I Iive here.
I took a job with the city education department.
-I called you. -I know.
-I've been meaning to call you back. -Liar.
-I had Iost your number. -Of course.
-No, it's true. You know what? -Will...
Okay, give me your number, right now.
I'm gonna put it in my cell phone, and that way I'm never gonna Iose it, okay?
My number is 212-664-7665.
Six, six, five. See? Now I got it. And I'm never gonna Iose it again.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
-Oh, no, go ahead, go ahead. -Sorry.
-Hello. -Hey, it's Will.
I'm really sorry I Iost your number.
WILLIAM: I just had the weirdest flash of a whole Iife,
one that never, ever happened.
What did happen to us?
-You slept with my roommate. -Oh!
I'm sorry.
If I remember correctly, I believe it was my "plan," wasn't it?
-The plan. Remember that? -Yes, the plan.
Who talks Iike that?
No, it wasn't the plan. I was scared of you and your dreams,
and then after we broke up, I just felt Iost.
I still feel pretty Iost, especially when it comes to relationships.
Yeah.
Yeah, I've been... Me, too.
Did you ever think
that maybe we just needed a different plan?
MAYA: Wait! Stop! Stop right there. Now, go back.
(REWINDING)
Okay, stop. Now go forward, slowly.
Now here it comes.
There! Right there!
That's it! That's how I figured it out!
That's what Mom does when I'm upset.
She fluffs up my hair and tells me to be brilliant
or shine Iike the sun, and it always makes me feel better.
-Sounds Iike a great mom. -She is a great mom.
So you're absolutely positive, 100%, that Emily is the very same woman
walking toward us right now?
Absolutely.
Is it?
-Mom! Mom! -Hey!
MAYA: I'm so glad it's you.
-Well, who else would it be? -Nobody.
-Good morning, Will. -Hey, Sarah.
Mom, can Dad come with us to the zoo?
Yeah, if Dad wants to come, sure.
You know, I Iove the zoo. Let's go to the zoo.
-Guess what, Mom? -EMILY: What?
We Iearned all about sexual intercourse at school yesterday.
-Really? -Really.
Really.
(PENGUINS CALLING)
I Iove penguins.
Me, too.
Me, three.
Did you know that penguins mate for Iife?
AIthough, Mr. Monell told us
that sometimes the husband and wife penguins get separated
'cause of their migraine patterns.
-Migratory. -Migratory.
Well, sometimes they're apart for years, but they almost always find each other.
Do you know what the husband and wife penguins do
after they find each other after all that time?
Throw back their heads,
flap their flippers and sing as Ioud as they can!
(IMITATING PENGUIN CALLS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Okay. AII right, munchkin. Let's go!
Hey, monster, that was fun today. I'II see you on Wednesday, okay?
(BELLS RINGING)
See you Iater.
Dad!
-Thanks for telling me the story. -You're welcome.
-I forgot to tell you the happy ending. -What is it?
You.
(SOBBING)
-Hey, I Iove you. -I Iove you, too.
Go catch up to your mom, okay? AII right, bye.
Are you all right?
Yeah?
(SNIFFS)
Mr. President! Hey, Mr. President!
Will Hayes, I worked on the '92 campaign.
(EXHALES)
Hi. I'm Iooking for April.
Check that they have Iegal representation, okay?
-Right. -Thanks, John.
(LAUGHING)
I can't believe you're doing this.
-This is great. -Thanks.
-Still smoking? -I quit.
-Me, too. Still Iive in the same Ioft? -Living in Brooklyn.
AIways on the cutting edge.
-Dating? -Not at present. You?
-(WHISPERS) I got divorced. -I know.
I heard. I'm so sorry.
Why?
You always said marriage was overrated.
Yeah, and you never Iistened to me. You were always with the rings.
-Is that why you and Kevin never... -Oh, God, Kevin. No. Kevin...
Something always seemed to be missing with Kevin.
I don't know.
It's weird. It was never quite right. You know?
Yeah.
-It's good to see you. -You, too.
I have something for you.
(EXCLAIMING)
(APRIL CRYING)
Thank you so much.
How did you find it? I mean, where did you find it?
That's the difficult part to explain.
This is gonna sound bad.
I've had it for a while.
How Iong?
Years.
Many years.
I meant to...
I meant to give it to you. I wanted to give it to you.
I just...
I couldn't. And I don't know why.
I dropped it off once. I mean, I tried. Kevin was there and...
Hey, there is no excuse, and I'm sorry.
It's inexcusable.
-I think you should go, Will. -April?
I think you should go.
You never gave it to her? After all that time?
-WILLIAM: I know. I know. -But it was from her dad.
I know. I know.
And then you just Ieft?
Yep.
How come you changed all the names except hers?
What do you mean?
In the story, you know, Iike Mom became Emily,
and Summer's that Natasha Iady who writes for that magazine.
But you didn't change April's name. Why?
Why are you so concerned with all of this anyway?
Because I want you to be happy.
You know,
I'm happy.
Trust me, Dad. You're not happy.
Put your coat on.
-Taxi! -Taxi!
MAYA: She said something was missing with Kevin,
which means it might not be missing with you,
-which is good news, right? -Could be.
Could be.
Did you know that 35 people try to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge each year?
Most because of broken hearts.
I'II keep that in mind.
(BUZZING)
-APRIL: Hello. -Hey. Hi.
It's me, Will.
(GASPS)
April?
What are you doing here?
WILLIAM: Uh...
MAYA: Go on, tell her.
Who's that?
That would be my daughter, Maya.
That's kind of cheating, isn't it? Bringing your daughter?
What am I supposed to do now?
Well, you could Iet us in.
I don't think she's gonna Iet us in.
(EXHALES)
I think you're wrong.
Come on, Iet's go. Let's go.
A Iittle while Ionger. She's going to Iet us in.
Okay, kiddo, here's the deal.
I'm gonna count to 30, okay?
And if she doesn't Iet us in, we're gonna go home,
and we're never gonna talk about this again.
-Deal? -Yeah.
Ready?
-One, two, three... -One, two, three...
-...four, five, six... -...four, five, six...
-...14, 15, 16, 17... -...14, 15, 16, 17...
If she Iets us in, tell her the story Iike you told me.
-And then she'll know. -WILLIAM: Know what?
I can't explain. She'll just know.
-...25, 26, 27... -...25, 26, 27...
-Twenty-nine. -Twenty-nine.
Twenty-nine and a quarter.
Twenty-nine and a half.
Twenty-nine and three-quarters.
What comes after that?
Time to go.
MAYA: But this wasn't what was supposed to have happened.
-I know. -I really thought
she would have heard through the intercom and Iet us in,
or run down the stairs and say...
What story?
-I kept the book... -Yeah?
...because it was the only thing that I had Ieft of you.
-You must be Maya. -You must be April.
So what happens now?
You invite us inside, and we tell you the story.
Okay.
(UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)