[speaks alien language]
Ugh. What's the alien word for "soup"?
Oh, soup? Uh...
[speaks alien language]
For aliens, soup is a really complicated concept.
It's a food that you drink and chew.
Which is crazy. Crazy.
Can you please tell me what the point of Alien Language League is?
It's like, if aliens come to Earth, they should just speak Earth.
Alex, clubs provide a positive environment
for people with like interests.
Which is why I joined Alien Language League.
You don't like alien language.
Nope.
But I like Zeke.
[speaks alien]
[both reply in alien]
Uh-uh! No.
Hey, you wanna-be-aliens leave my friend alone.
She's the only one who sees through me and sticks around.
Relax, Alex. I'm just helping them plan their banquet.
- Mm-hmm. - [scoffs]
Why do people make such big deals out of banquets?
It's like, "Hey, let's all sit around
and listen to stupid speeches while we all eat the same exact meal."
I like eating the same as everyone else.
That way I never feel bad about ordering wrong.
Well, I mean, I'd be OK with it if we all ate my favorite meal.
Biscuits and loose corn.
Loose corn?
[scoffs] It's just called corn.
I like it cut off the cob. Cobs are too heavy.
Eighty percent of the weight you're picking up you're not even eating.
OK, every year the Alien Language League hands out
the Lifetime Achievement Award to a graduating senior.
And I have it on good authority that I have it in the bag.
This year it really will be the best year ever...
...for me!
Plus, we got Joey "The Crepe Kid," coming in.
He's the youngest crepe chef in the city.
He makes crepes from all around the world. It's gonna be...
...crepe-tacular.
You know, Zeke. You are so cute when you're easily excited.
But I'm always easily excited.
I know.
And guys, guess what? The banquet is gonna be here in the Sub Shop,
so the whole family can come.
Mm-hmm, yeah. I don't need to know when it is, because I'm busy.
Ooh, no, because I checked your calendar and you've got no plans for the next 30 years.
Ha. I don't have a calendar.
Ha. People who don't have calendars also don't have plans.
Owned! So hard! Owned!
Yeah, sometimes he wins.
♪ Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze ♪
♪ That the end will no doubt justify the means ♪
♪ You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease ♪
♪ Yes, please ♪
♪ But you might find out it'll go to your head ♪
♪ When you write a report on a book you never read ♪
♪ With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed ♪
♪ That's what I said ♪
♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪
♪ When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams ♪
♪ You might run into trouble if you go to extremes ♪
♪ Because everything is not what it seems ♪
♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪
♪ When you can have what you want by the simplest of means ♪
♪ Be careful not to mess with the balance of things ♪
♪ Because everything is not ♪
♪ What it seems ♪♪
[fairy giggles]
- [Jerry screams] - [clattering]
[tiny creatures grunting]
Hey, you're grouchy.
Your hands smell like delicious chocolate.
[creatures screaming]
Dad, pocket elves can't fly.
Oops.
Alex, how many times do I have to tell you
to keep the portal door closed?!
At least one more?
We can't have Wizard World creatures drifting in here all the time.
It gets so stuffy in here.
Mostly because our lair is inside a produce locker
where you don't throw out vegetables until they start growing other vegetables.
Hey, we haven't paid for mushrooms in over ten years.
[scoffs]
[buzzing]
You see! You let a wizard bug in.
- Get the door! - Get...
What...?!
Oh! I need a bigger broom. One that stays together.
Where'd it go?
Dad. Don't move. It's on your back.
Come on, get it! Ooh, not with that!
You're gonna kill the bug and me!
Ow! It bit me!
It's dead.
[squish]
Now it's a stain. [chuckles]
Oh, it really hurts.
Did it leave a mark?
Oh.
Oh... no. You can't even see it.
I'll go get my magnifying glass,
'cause I, I don't even know where the bite is.
- [bell dings] - Ooh!
[sizzling]
[laughs]
You have a popcorn machine in your locker?
- Where do you keep your books? - In your locker.
I have a locker? You said only girls get them.
[alarm blares]
[alien accent] Attention... citizens of Tribeca Prep.
- Ahh. Ahh. - Ahh. Ahh.
Do not be alarmed for we come in peace.
[alien accent] Ahh. We have traveled the far reaches of the galaxy
to deliver you a special message.
- Special. - Oh.
[alien accent] Tonight all members of the Alien Language League are required
to report to a secret last minute location...
[both] Ahh.
...the Waverly Sub Station.
Ohh... Waverly...
Where you will enjoy the finest alien-themed entertainment,
including crepes made by Joey The Crepe Kid.
- Joey! - [crowd] Yeah!
- Yeah! - Whoo!
- All right! - Joey!
- That went well. - Yes, it did. [clears throat]
[normal voice] Well... We now return you to your regularly scheduled classes.
All right.
Thank you, you're great.
Hey, guys. If Joey The Crepe Kid is in, MacGruder is in.
This totally tops the Math Club's taco bar.
- Yeah. Tacos are gross. - Yes! Math? Losers.
What's a taco?
Alex, all these alien theatrics have given me an idea.
I'm going to start an alien language club.
That's what this is. Alien Language League.
Don't tell them what I'm doing or they're gonna copy me.
They're already doing it.
Not if I do it first.
May the best club win.
You are a delight.
Zeke, that was great!
I'm so glad we kept that smoke machine
from our failed DJ business.
I still think ZJ the DJs can work.
Wikki-wikki. Me, too.
[both beat boxing]
Dude! You think I can use it when I accept my Lifetime Achievement Award?
Right on. You, sir, are my bro-dre from another mo-dre.
[both laugh, beat box]
You cannot tell me that you're still into Zeke after that nerd circus.
[imitating light saber sounds]
[both shouting]
Still into him.
Uh... Excuse me,
Joey The Crepe Kid, where is your sign?
When people walk into places they like big signs
to tell them what's going on.
Nah. I think it's pretty self-explanatory, Mrs. Russo,
When people walk up to my crepe station
and see what's going on. I'm just sayin'.
You know. [clicks]
Are you setting up here some sort of pumpkin carving booth?
Whoa!
We need a sign. Just sayin'.
Hey, Mom. I'm having my new Alien Language Club over later.
Max, honey, we're having a banquet for Alien Language League.
Nice! Thank you for your support.
Hey, Joey, lookin' good.
Lookin' good.
You, uh, you need a hand, you know, chef to chef?
- Where's the other chef? - Hey, come on.
[all gasping]
What's wrong with your hand?
[stammers] Uh, nothing.
Nothing's wrong. I just have a skin condition
that flares up every once in a while and, um...
- I don't moisturize enough. - Moisturize.
Dad, you're turning into a bug.
I know. I think it's because I got bit by a wizard bug
when Alex left the portal door open.
You're gonna lose control and run around all crazy.
You've seen what the bugs do when you turn the lights on.
They lose control and run around all crazy.
I'm just gonna find something to cover my hand with.
With what?! They don't make roach mittens!
I'm sure it'll be fine. He'll be back to normal in no time.
- [sighs] - [squishy sound]
[screams]
What? Oh!
This place is disgusting.
That's the biggest bug I ever seen.
- [Jerry gasping] - [Joey whistles] Get the car goin'!
Jerry, are you in here?
[screams] Bright lights!
Bright lights! [shouts]
My husband's a bug.
I should have married Marty Stoller.
I'd be a dentist's wife.
First we lose Joey The Crepe Kid and now this?
This is not the proper atmosphere in which to receive the Lifetime Achievement Award.
Dad's a bug? I get to flick him first!
Ah!
I'm so sorry, Justin.
But we can't have people here
while your Dad is flitting around like crazy.
Even if we try to lock him up,
he'll eat his way through the door.
He already can eat his way through take-out containers with human teeth.
We're gonna have to cancel the banquet.
[scoffs] Not my banquet!
Look. Some confusing stuff's going on.
We all need to make some sacrifices.
Say we cancel Justin's banquet.
Mine will go on.
We are not cancelling the banquet.
Come on. We're the Russos.
We can't let something small like Dad turning into
a life-sized, disgusting roach
ruin Justin's senior year moment. We are the Russos!
- No matter how many times you say "We are the Russos"... - [whispers] We are the Russos.
...you can't hide the fact this is another of my senior year moments
- that you wanna see wrecked. - [whispers] We're the Russos.
Unlike you,
I'm only going to have one senior year moment,
so I'm trying to get this one right. Don't say it!
And I am gonna make sure
that you get your senior year moment, Justin.
This is just a little bug bite.
I'm sure I can control myself.
Dad! I don't know how many times I'm gonna tell you,
it's not a bite. You're a dirty, nasty bug.
Hey! That is no way to talk to your exoskeleton father!
OK, I don't know what we're gonna do, 'cause these things last days.
Hey! I still have my face.
Uh, here's an idea, I'll just throw on an overcoat and a top hat
and I'll, I'll just... blend right in.
Jerry, you're not gonna blend right in.
You need to stay up in the loft until this thing runs its course.
Great. Are we voting?
'Cause I like the idea of the top hat and overcoat. Who's with me?
OK, OK. I'll stay upstairs.
If someone tapes a spatula to my claw,
and someone else catches the goo falling from my face,
I'm pretty sure I can make the crepes.
Dibs on catching the goo.
Thank you so much for coming to my club. It really means a lot.
Thank you for joining. Always a pleasure to see you, buddy!
Ha-ha! Thank you for coming.
Thank you so much for joining my club.
Wow. Look how many people showed up for my club.
It's very humbling.
[clears throat]
[speaks alien]
- [mouths] Little. Louder. - Excuse me, can I have your attention please?
[clears throat] Excuse me,
if you could please just... If your attention...
Could you just focus... on me for a second?
That would be good.
I think I can help.
Listen up, people!
I know where all of you live, so shut it,
or I'll make a guest appearance in each and every one of your nightmares!
Have a nice banquet!
OK, welcome to this year's Alien Language League banquet.
[speaks alien]
[all answer in alien]
- [Zeke] Great. - Where is Joey The Crepe Kid?
His crepes are the only reason
I spent $50 on an Alien Language dictionary.
We have something even better than Joey The Crepe Kid.
Why don't you sit on down?
Go check on the crepes.
My banquet, my problem.
In the meantime, our sci-fi movie scene players
are gonna come up and perform
one of the greatest
alien scenes of all time,
E.T. Raids the Refrigerator.
- [gasps] Huh? Oh, man. - [crowd murmurs]
- Come on. - Oh, man, exciting.
OK, here's the last batch of crepes.
Oh, there you go.
You see what we can do when we work together?
Yeah. See what I can do while you yell, "Faster, faster, faster!"
Look, somebody has to be the yeller.
[crunching]
Guys, are my crepes ready yet? My club members are getting... [gasps]
Jerry, please don't tell me you just ate all the crepes?!
Technically, I didn't eat them.
I vomited acid all over them,
and when they liquefied I slurped them up.
Yeah, that's pretty much how you normally eat.
I don't think this is gonna fly with my club members.
They made it obvious they're expecting crepes.
Well, I was expecting this whole thing to blow up down there, not up here.
This is kind of taking all the fun out of it, though.
I guess I'll help.
I'll be right here.
[sobs]
[makes noise]
Good by... E.T. [sobs]
[both] And scene.
[both speak alien]
[all speak alien]
Yeah, OK. Wacka-wacka whatever.
All right, bravo. This is a great banquet so far, huh?
All right, why don't we just get right to the Lifetime Achievement Award?
Wait, we're supposed to eat first. OK, where are those crepes?
When I say "crepes," you say "Oop-blopp!"
- Crepes! Crepes! - [all] Oop-blopp. Oop-blopp.
Look! Unless you'll settle for some tortillas and some powdered sugar,
- you're not getting any crepes. - [all groaning]
Instead, we are having
biscuits and loose corn.
[all groaning]
What's going on?
Dad ate all the crepes.
[whispers] No. I mean, why are you helping me?
Well, first of all, this is an opportunity
for me to get some biscuits and loose corn.
And second of all...
- No, there was just one reason. - Good.
So, biscuits, loose corn, and this lame entertainment?
This is the worst banquet ever.
I'm hungry and I am angry.
I'm "hangry."
No, no, no! Wait. Don't leave.
Forget it, Alex. It's over.
I'm not gonna get my Lifetime Achievement Award.
Thanks a lot.
Look, besides the fact that every guy in here cares more
about having crepes than having girlfriends,
this is the wrong version of ending badly I had in mind.
If I'm not gonna get my way, at least you should get your way.
- Harper. [clicks tongue] - Hey!
Everybody sit down now!
[mouths] Good job, Zeke.
Oh. Wow. Now I've got to think of something.
OK, everyone. We have a very special guest.
Thank you for that warm introduction, Alex.
Not you. [mouths] Sit down.
We can't do this. Dad's a wizard bug.
No, no, no. It's OK.
When you show people something completely crazy,
they try to make sense of it.
Hey, everybody! It's an alien from the Guaga galaxy!
[all murmuring]
Like that.
Great costume!
What did you make the face goo out of?
Oh, don't tell me. I don't want to spoil the illusion.
And, and he came in peace.
- Ooh! - Of course he did.
The inhabitants of the Guaga galaxy have been non-violent
since the females moved to the southern hemisphere.
Yeah.
- And he came to entertain you. - Ooh!
With impressions.
The Guagians are amazing at impressions.
I'm not good at impressions.
Say anything. They're nerds. They don't want to admit they don't get something.
Ahh, ahh...
Howdy, everybody.
It's Woody, from Toy Story!
Look at the viscosity of his face acid.
That's what happens to the Guagians
in Earth's extreme temperatures.
Yeah, that's exactly right, Zeke.
Notice, everyone notice,
his authentic spatula claw.
[whispers] Why didn't you remove his spatula claw?
Yeah, no, that's not just any spatula.
That's an intergalactic spatula.
Ooh!
I can't believe they're buying this.
- They are your people. - Yeah.
Ahh...
First, I'd like to apologize for the lack of crepes.
I was hungry from my long journey and I couldn't help myself.
OK. So, without further ado,
I would like to present this year's
Alien Language League Lifetime Achievement Award
to someone who was smart enough
to get in contact with my people and have me here tonight:
Justin Russo!
[all applauding]
- Thank you so much. - Justin Russo?
I was robbed!
I poured my blood, sweat and tears into this club.
Wow. What a way to go out in my senior year.
I totally wasn't expecting this.
I mean, really.
I absolutely wasn't.
[exhales] I guess I'd just like to say thank you
to each and every one of you that voted for me.
And to those of you that didn't...
Hah!
I... I really would like to send a shout out
right up there to my sister,
for making this truly, truly
the most memorable senior year moment that...
...I'll ever have.
And please don't let me have another.
OK, round two of biscuits and loose corn.
- Hey, where did everybody go? - Uh-uh. That's for me.
Here, set it down. Go get me Dad's big spoon. I can't get enough of this.
I don't care about the food.
- I'm just happy that I got my trophy. - [sloshing sounds]
[belches] Uh-oh.
Dad!
You melted my trophy!
[stammers] I was just
trying to read the engraving.