Thank you. Who's next in line to buy one of my T-shirts? Hi.
Any one.
There's only three.
Oh, my gosh. Dude, you're taking forever.
You get a sticker on the forehead. Go! Next!
- Hi. - Max, what's going on here?
Alex just released her Punk Dollhouse T-shirt.
I've seen that logo. She put stickers up all over campus.
- Shoot, she even put one up in the boys' bathroom. - Correction.
I put that up in the boys' bathroom.
I also have my part-time job there.
I hand out mints and towels to the football team.
It's weird, sometimes I gotta tell 'em,
"Mints you eat, towels you rub."
Alex, I need to speak with you right now.
Busy. Look, dude, I don't have change for that.
You're gonna have to buy two extra T-shirts.
- OK. Goodbye. Next! - One second, you guys. Right there.
Alex, you're selling your product on school property, which is my jurisdiction.
So I'm gonna have to suggest that you pay a mandatory 75 percent allowance tax
to the Student Collective Activities Movement, the S.C.A.M., SCAM.
That's not a real thing.
It has an acronym. It's a real thing.
Your money is gonna go to great school causes.
You have nothing to worry about.
Fine, I'll give the school a cut.
Oh, how generous. You really didn't have to do that.
Just kidding, you did. Sha-boom!
Thank you.
Excuse me, I'd love to buy one of these shirts I'm wearing.
- You want a different color or something? - No, same color.
This is my frontwards shirt. I need a backwards one
for those days when I want to wear the logo on the back.
All right, Max. You do realize that you could just turn the shirt...
All right. That'll be ten bucks. Thank you.
♪ Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze ♪
♪ That the end will no doubt justify the means ♪
♪ You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease ♪
♪ Yes, please ♪
♪ But you might find out it'll go to your head ♪
♪ When you write a report on a book you never read ♪
♪ With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed ♪
♪ That's what I said ♪
♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪
♪ When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams ♪
♪ You might run into trouble if you go to extremes ♪
♪ Because everything is not what it seems ♪
♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪
♪ When you can have what you want by the simplest of means ♪
♪ Be careful not to mess with the balance of things ♪
♪ Because everything is not ♪
♪ What it seems ♪♪
Ah, Russo. Pull up a stump and zip it.
I have something to tell you.
Something important that befuddles me.
"Befuddles."
Sounds like a word you'd say if you're wearing suspenders.
Ah.
The committee and I met last night to decide who deserves this year's Citizenship Award.
We added up the facts, and it seems that you've won.
No thanks, Lar. I don't need a Citizenship Award.
- I'm already American. - No, it's an award given
to the student who's done the most for her school.
I've done the most to the school.
The fact is, you're a cheerleader,
you painted the school mural,
you turned the Happy Helpers Club around,
and now you're a major financial contributor to the school.
The committee and I congratulate you.
This is your letter of authenticity.
Look, um, I'm not really interested in awards
unless there's a cash gift,
coffee card, a little something for the effort.
The student body president will present the award at the next assembly.
My brother has to give me my award?
In front of the whole school?
It's a devilish smile. I'm in.
Mom? Dad? I have a letter.
Ooh! Is it from Harper? I miss her so much.
Me, too. It's not fair her parents have her visiting them.
- She's really ours now. - No. It's from Mr. Laritate.
I'll read it.
Several paragraphs.
You read it.
"Congratulations. Your daughter, Alex Russo,
has been chosen to receive this year's Citizenship Award."
Aren't you guys proud of me?
I am. This is the most authentic forgery you've done yet.
And look! She even spelled "citizenship" correctly.
It's spelled correctly, isn't it?
Citizenship Award? No way, I'm a shoo-in for that award.
I mean, I already bragged about it to everyone during my chess club physical.
It's a sport. It requires a physical.
Actually, Mr. Laritate said that it was my generous donation
from my T-shirt sales that put me over the top.
- Ah! - Justin didn't want me to donate, but I insisted.
You!
She must have used magic to get that award. I mean, come on!
Oh! No, no, no. I didn't use magic.
Apparently, I participate in school now.
OK? The school mural, cheerleading, Happy Helpers.
And, you know, the unofficial activities that nobody knows about.
OK, I got it! I'm gonna prove she's a liar with a truth spell.
That'll fix everything. Show you're a liar.
Don't let Alex be a liar.
The truth, the truth is on fire.
- All right, let's test it out. - Mmm-hmm.
Alex, who ate the tres leches cake out of the refrigerator?
Dad did. And he gave me $1.75 not to tell anybody.
- Jerry! - Well, that's the going rate
for lying about something that I ate.
- Did you use magic to win the award? - No.
I used no magic whatsoever
to persuade Mr. Laritate to give me this award.
She really is telling the truth!
Wow. I never thought I'd see my daughter
with a halo on her head.
I want you all to be there when I get my award.
Yeah, no way. I'm not going. Uh-uh.
Can you read the second to last sentence, please?
Yes, I can read the second to last sentence.
"The student body president will be there
to present your award..." Student body president?!
That's me! I'm not going!
I have to, I was elected!
I'm going for the people!
Not you!
Hello, Mr. Laritate. You want to know why I'm dressed like this
for the Citizenship Award ceremony?
Because this award shouldn't be taken seriously.
And nothing says, "Don't take me seriously," like a surfer.
Shh...
Good morning, dudes and dudettes.
Citizenship Award. Sounds like a big deal, wow.
Like, totally wicked sick, right?
Not right. One word:
Overrated.
A person who accepts an award like this can only be described
as "self-absorbed."
Now, without further ado, Citizenship Award winner, Alex Russo.
Well, thank you, Justin.
You know, I wrote something really nice for this,
but then I saved my gum in it. So I'm just gonna wing it.
There are a lot of people in here I'd like to thank.
I'm gonna start with August Salvatore,
for having a first name that's a month,
and a last name that sounds like spit.
Jerry, did anyone remember to take the truth spell off of her?
And I would like to thank the "whoo" girls for making the rest of us look like geniuses.
Whoo!
Yeah, exactly.
What in the pico de gallo is she doing?
Just giving a few simple thank you's. Just let her talk.
Ah! Mrs. Fleckenstein.
Let me take the pressure off of you.
See, nobody is talking about your wig.
We're all talking about your sideburns.
Let's get out of here.
- She knows a lot of stuff about us. - Right.
Daddy, where are you going?
Oh, that's right. You've always had such a teeny-tiny bladder.
Whoo!
It's true.
I go more frequently than a normal man.
- Jerry! - It's...
And John Bender, on the wrestling team.
Let's take 30 minutes to discuss why you don't have a neck.
OK, you guys get the point.
- Oh, and last but not least... - Is it over already?
Did you get Ken over there, hiding behind the lockers? He's...
I would like to thank Mr. Laritate,
for putting the "suspense" in "suspenders."
I mean, come on.
When are those babies gonna give?
Citizenship Award winner, everyone, Alex Russo.
Hey, hey, August. August.
Look, about what I said. I'm really, really sorry...
that you can't handle the truth.
Hey, guys.
People, why are you trashing my T-shirts?
What...?
OK.
Are you guys ignoring me
because you're planning a surprise party for me?
No.
Oh, here's some more shirts.
Justin, what's going on? Why isn't anyone talking to me?
I don't know. Maybe you should ask somebody.
Oh, wait, there is nobody around here!
They wouldn't answer you anyway.
OK, fine, I'll give you a hint. You broke me down. You're good.
Here's the hint: they hate you.
Wait, look. I know I always act like I don't care,
but that's really just a defense mechanism to hide my desire to really be liked.
Finally, the truth comes out.
Oh, my gosh! The truth spell is still on me! Take it off!
All right, fine. I think it served its purpose.
Shoot, the only person you haven't made fun of is me.
Too late. Truth, truth, she used to know, now she becomes the old Russo.
I'm not supposed to talk to you.
But I've never been one to follow the herd.
So what do you say we mosey into my office
and strap on the old feedbag?
Thank you, Mr. Laritate.
But we don't really have to eat out of feed bags, do we?
Not if it makes you feel uncomfortable.
They teach you that the truth is good,
and then when you say the truth,
everybody gets offended.
I mean, if you don't want anybody talking about your sideburns,
then don't have 'em, lady.
Here's your tea. Just how you like it.
Seems like this "whole school hating you thing"
is really getting your goat.
I wish I had a goat.
They come in handy for eating containers
that you're trying to hide
because you ate something you weren't supposed to eat.
Uh, can we stick to my problem, please?
Yes, of course.
I like it when I ignore people,
but it doesn't feel so good when they ignore me.
It kinda stings a little, don't it?
Yep, that's why I joined the Square Dance Society.
Those people have to talk to you.
And, if they refuse, there's always the caller.
When he says "allemande left,"
he's talking to me.
- What are you saying? - I'm saying you should consider
signing up for the Square Dance Society.
I don't think a do-si-do is gonna turn my life around.
Look, Russo, high school is just a series of horrible,
gut-wrenching events. Soon, it'll be someone else.
Yours is just the scandal of the day.
I'm sure it'll all blow over.
Yeah. Yeah, you're probably right.
Hey.
I heard everyone's ignoring you at school.
I don't know whether to say "I'm sorry" or "Congratulations."
It's bad, Mom. What should I do?
Oh...
I wouldn't know. I was wildly popular in high school.
But let me give it a shot. Um...
How about you approach the most popular girl,
and ask her to get everyone to like you?
Because that girl was me,
and I could get everyone to do whatever I said.
So that's what you gotta do. Find the me of your school.
I am raising myself.
Listen, be nice to your sister, OK?
The kids at school still aren't talking to her.
And, just so you know, that never happened to me.
It's actually funny.
I'm counting on no one talking to her.
I've got all these tied-up T-shirts
that I'm gonna sell, so people can throw them at her.
Wait, that's what we're doing?
I thought we were gonna tie-dye them.
Look, Justin, people are really mad at her.
Therefore, I'm increasing my riches by using my riches
to gain more riches. You know what I'm saying?
I'm gonna tie-dye this one, anyway.
It's already balled up and I'm excited for it.
And I have no idea what you're saying.
- You gonna get that? - No.
I never answer that guy.
He keeps prank calling me. Some guy named "Text."
I answered it once 'cause I thought it was my buddy, Tex,
but there was nobody there.
Mr. Laritate, "Text" isn't a person.
It's a text message.
- Oh! - Look.
When somebody wants to talk to you,
but doesn't have the energy to speak,
they type it and then send it to your phone. See?
Oh. That way it's harder for the person you're sending it to
- to talk back to you. - Yep.
Finally, a way to communicate with my mother.
I got me a case of keyboard courage.
Ooh, a text. This is my first one in a week.
Maybe somebody's done something more embarrassing than what I did.
Oh, here's the embarrassing part.
Who would name their kid Hershel?
Floyd and Naomi Laritate.
I sent you that text.
Oh.
I figured we're good enough friends now.
We can be on a first-name basis.
I'm on a first-name basis with the school principal?
This is just too weird.
- I'm sorry, Mr. Laritate. - Hershel.
Hershel. Um...
I know you told me to be patient, but it's been a week.
Nobody's done anything embarrassing,
and now you're my best friend.
No, no, no. Call me BFF.
That's a quicker way to say "best friend forever" in a text.
I think I just invented that.
There she is! Get her!
OK! OK. OK, fine. Yes.
I know I said some things that I shouldn't have said, but I can't take them back.
I thought you guys would forget about it by now, but...
Gosh, I can't believe this is still the biggest thing going on in school.
Got 40 dollars in my pocket that believes it.
Who wants another throw at her?
A dollar a shot! Move!
- Boom! Boom! - Or who wants to tie-dye?
I'm having so much fun.
Mr. Laritate, when is this gonna end?
Right now, friend.
Attention, please.
No one should be mean to my BFF...
Alex Russo.
You don't have to have lunch with her. I've got that covered.
But some idle chitchat and texting would be appreciated.
Oh, here's a tip. Instead of saying "Got to go,"
you can text "G," the number two,
and then another "G."
Get it?
- You just made it worse. - Attention, everyone.
The price has gone up to three dollars for a throw
at the principal's BFF.
- I'll fix this. - No, please.
Goodness, no, not another announcement.
Promenade left.
Circle right.
Do-si-do.
Half promenade.
Whoop, just half.
Get geeked up. Do the Jerk.
Do the Jerk.
Stanky leg.
Freestyle.
Mr. Laritate's dancing! How embarrassing!
That is embarrassing. Let's throw our shirts at him.
All right, detention for all of you.
You too, Russo.
But I didn't throw a shirt.
I saw you.
Thank you.
Mom, why are you dressed like that?
I was thinking about your problem with your friends.
I was so wildly popular back then,
I bet I'm still as wildly popular now.
So why don't I just go to your school,
pretend to be a student, and tell everyone to like you?
Mom, you do realize that if you go to my school
looking like that, no one will ever talk to me again.
You just don't understand wild popularity, that's all.
- Daddy! - Your mother was the first girl
admitted to a formerly all-boys high school.
It wasn't too hard to be wildly popular.