I'll have an egg white omelet
with spinach and tomato.
And I will have a regular omelet with ham and cheese.
And can you take the yos that you don't use in hs
and then put them in mine?
When your heart explodes,
try not to fall into my breakfast.
Egg whites and veggies?
I'm not dying in that c.
Oh, hey, isn't that the new coupe
that just moved into our building? The Harrises?
It is, good catch.
What is wrong with you?
You know that I don't like other peop.
Yeah, well, other people feel the same about you.
I'm gonna go say hi, and by the way,
that little menu is no h for your enormous head.
Hey, hey.
Check out what I got Jen for our four-year anniversa.
Of what, the first time you did ?
No, of the night we met.
It was the same night.
Yeah, she did not make me earn it.
Okay, look. Four flavors of popcorn.
One for each year we've been together.
Nice.
Huh?
She is one lucky lady.
You wanna give me a handful of cheddar?
No, no, no, no, no.
Then the quadrants won't be even.
Come on, give me some, I need it.
(LAUGHS) You sound like Jen the night we met.
Hey, guess what, we're having dinner with them tomorrow nigh.
Come on, you couldn't get out of that?
No, I'm the one who suggested it.
Great, fine, I will eat,
but don't expect me to turn on the charm.
I'm pretty sure that switch
has been locked in the off position.
What's with all the popcorn?
Oh, it's an anniversary gift for Jen.
Huh.
Guess there are worse things than forgetting.
♪ How many ways to say I love you?
♪ How many ways to say that I'm not sc?
♪ With you by my side There is no denying
♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪
Mr. Dunbar?
I can't believe I'm down here with the mole people.
Sir, the subway is the lifeblood of the ci,
where thousands of lives intersect
before radiating outward in a thousand different directions.
It smells funny.
You might just be catching blowback
from your Axe body wash.
(SNIFFS) That could be it.
I smell wee-wee. We're cabbing it.
And then we did the whole, you know, share desserts thing
before calling it a night.
So long story short, we had a great evening.
Long story short would have been
we had fun with the Harrises.
Yours was a long story longer.
Well, it sounds like it was a success.
Mr. People person over here even asked
if we could get together this evening.
I asked Jane, she thougt that they had other plas
but then Paul reminded r that they didn't, so we made a date.
Seeing 'em again tonigh. Boom, four words.
I got four words...
I want a divorce.
"Divorce me" would be shorter.
Anyway, who knew we'd find a couple in the building
we both like hanging out with?
We live in the building.
Oh, no, Jeff didn't mean that.
What did I mean?
Fine, guess we won't invite them over to eat popcorn.
Ugh.
Enough with the popcorn.
What? What, honey, I thought you liked it.
It was okay at first but I'm so sick of it.
I keep finding it everywhere.
The sofa, the bed, the shower...
I want it out of the house.
Fine, if it goes, then I go.
Well, I mean, and then when it's gone, I'll come back.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Oh, hey, Jane. How are you?
Oh, uh, no, that's fine.
We'll just get together another time.
Talk to you later.
Aw, they had to cancel tonight.
Paul just got the stomach flu.
Oh, that's too bad. Yeah.
I guess we'll just pick up a pizza.
Oh, great, so we can just sit home by oursels
eating stupid pizza, staring at the walls.
Hey, why don't the four of us do something?
Sorry, buddy, pizza night.
Here's your lunch.
(BAG SMASHES)
Come on.
You're not still mad you missed out
on hammering that subway chick.
I wasn't looking to hammer anyone.
This woman and I, we shared a connection.
I felt it.
Yeah, in your hammer.
Who's to say what might have happened?
Sir, you may have just cost me the romance of a lifeti.
Keep your diaper on, Cupid.
Fortunately, I've decidd to take matters into my own hands.
Ooh, well, take that into the men's room.
Or at least the stairwell.
As I find myself saying far too often in the workplace,
I'm not talking about masturbation.
I've posted the particulars of my encounter
with that woman on Missed Connections.
(SCOFFS) What's Missed Connections?
It's a website where pee who shared a romantic moment can try to reconnect.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, I love to burst your bubble,
so I will.
There's no such thing as love at first sight.
And what do you know about it?
You know, one time I was lucky enough
to see the most beautiful woman in the world.
I locked eyes with her and then...
She was gone.
You ran out of quarters?
Did I tell you this story?
You know what, I'm gonna help you
find this girl just to prove
there's no such thing as love at first sight.
Ah, this must be the mentoring
I was promised all those years ago.
Hey, dudes.
Hi.
Anyone want a little popcorn?
Or as the Indians call it, pop-maize?
Is that true? Mmm-hmm.
Not...that kind... of Indian.
I've got some very important business to take care of.
Should I forward your calls to the stairwell?
Nope, no interruptions.
(DRUM MUSIC PLAYING)
Hi, uh, I'd like a small cheeseless vegetarian pizza,
and for my husband, a large meat-lover's pi.
And I promised to ask, could you please take the cheese
from my pizza that you don't use and put it on his.
Jane?
Hey, Paul, looks like you're feeling better.
Uh, what?
Remember about how I told Audrey
that you weren't feeling well?
Oh...right, right. (FAKES COUGH)
Jane said it was the stomach flu.
Oh...yeah.
Oh, why am I eating piz?
Uh, I'm sorry, is there something going on here?
Are you guys blowing us off?
Look, we had a great tie the other night.
It's just...
Thanks, hon.
Uh, you know how couples get together
and sometimes it's not exactly...
Like, the group chemistry...
JANE: I mean, don't get me wrong.
We really enjoyed hanging out with you...
Okay.
It's Jeff.
I... I mean, we didn't want to say anything.
No, it's fine, I get it.
Believe me, I get it.
Hey, listen, how about the three of s
hang out the next time Jeff goes out of town?
Oh, does he travel a lot?
No...
They gave me your extra cheese, righ?
They had to clear it with the manager, but, .
(DEVOURS PIZZA)
Hey, you don't have any big conferences coming up, do you?
We got one at the end of the month.
Really? Yeah.
Out of town?
No, everyone's coming here.
(GRUMBLES)
Hey, did you call Jane and Paul to reschedule?
Mmm, not yet.
You know, I was thinkin, when someone suddenly has the flu,
doesn't that sound like a blow-off?
Oh, I don't know. Maybe.
Let's not worry about it. Yeah.
Although, I gotta say, if it was a blow-off,
I think this one's on y.
Excuse me?
They may have been a little put off.
You were trying really hard.
I'll work on that.
And those work stories you tell.
Paging Dr. Boring.
You're needed to anesthetize the even.
Jeff, I... I really thik you should let it go.
I would, Aud, but you cd learn something here.
When you try too hard, it turns people off.
Okay, all right. Fine, listen.
I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
But I ran into the Harrs at the pizza place.
And they did blow us of.
You wanna know why? Because of you.
What about me?
Uh, well, they didn't say.
But I have some theories.
Hmm, it might have been
the way that you cram an entire meal
into one disgusting bit.
Or, uh, maybe it was your ten-minute rant
on the Mets' bullpen in response to Jane
saying she doesn't really follow baseball.
I thought that meant she was curious.
Or maybe it was your 9% tip.
I'm sorry you thought I was showboating,
but she was a great waitress.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Thank you.
I'm quite positive you're not the one I saw, sir.
Okay, so I was hoping tt the drum circle again t.
I couldn't find my guys.
Don't care.
Well, so I thought I'd try to find them
using that Missed Connections website.
You know, like... Like Timmy did.
Yeah, still don't care.
Here's what I'm gonna post.
"30-year-old man seeking young ethnic boys."
All right, sort of care now.
"We hooked up yesterday for some sweet banging and jamming.
"And I'm looking to get it on again."
So...you see nothing wrg with that?
Oh, my God, you're right.
Mmm-hmm.
I almost forgot to put my contact information.
Hey.
Hey, Jeff, how you doing, buddy?
Jane, Paul.
All right.
So...
Apparently I'm not your cup of tea.
Oh, my God, did Audrey... No, it's okay.
I... I was just wonderi,
uh, what about me specifically
was not to your liking?
Look, Audrey kinda put us on the spo.
All right, we didn't know what to say.
But...
Thanks, hon.
Well, the truth of the matter is...
It was really Audrey
that we felt like we didn't quite click w.
Yes, but please don't tell Audrey.
We don't wanna hurt her feelings. No.
Nor would I.
It was you.
It was you they hated.
Well, I hope you're satisfied.
I am not.
I can't believe you need a key card to get in the stairwell.
Thanks to you, every freak on the subwy
has called me offering to do unspeakable thing.
Once again, sir, you've turned my life into a living hell.
I was just trying to help you find the gi.
Right, just so that you could prove
there's no such thing as love at first sight.
(SOFTLY GROANS)
I'm going home now, sir.
Another night... Another chance for me to die in my sleep
from an undetected carbon monoxide leak.
Before you go...
Yes. (SIGHS)
She's in there.
Who is?
The chick you saw.
(WHISTLES)
What?
That is her.
She responded to your ridiculous subway ad?
No, uh, it was that thing you posted on Missed Connections.
(SATISFIED HUM)
And to think you didn't believe it could happen.
(SIGHS)
Well, despite that lump of coal
in your boyish little chicken chest,
you'll see that romance ultimately wins out.
(DEEP BREATH)
Hi.
It's so nice to see you again.
I'm sorry, who are you?
Um, I... I'm Timmy.
You... You know, we saw each other on the subway.
Oh, no.
You're not the guy that I saw.
So, um...
You weren't looking at me?
(KNOCKS)
Couldn't help but overhear.
She wasn't looking at you.
I'm so sorry for the misunderstandin.
Sorry? You have nothing to be sorry about.
I'm Russell.
Please, sir, I beg of you, don't say.
You know, Tim...
I wanted to teach you something.
But in all actuality, you taught me something.
Now I do believe in love at first sight.
Because I love what I just saw.
(LAUGHS)
Too good.
I'm just telling you what they said,
so don't shoot the messenger.
Who they like better than you.
They were trapped in an elevator with you.
Said whatever they thout would save them from getting eaten.
Well, you had them cornered in that pizza place,
probably threatened to tell them that story again
about who stole your yogurt at work.
Okay.
That is a good story with a surprise twist.
Surprise! I just wasted five minutes of your li.
Face it, Jeff.
I didn't blow this for us. You did.
There's only one way to be sure.
(FRANTIC KNOCKING)
Hi, I'm sorry to bother you.
We need you to settle something for us.
Yeah.
(LAUGHS) So it turns out they hated both of us.
Yep, they found me pushy.
I've got the table manns of a chimp.
Oh, plus you're cheap.
Oh, and we're too critil of each other.
Which makes people uncomfortable.
Although that one's more you.
Oh, try a breath mint.
Well, at least you have each other.
And us. Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, it's an embarrassment.
Of riches?
Sure.
And then, when she said
she was looking at the other guy...
(LAUGHS) Whoo.
You should have seen the light die in little Tim's eyes.
"Don't go to New York," they said.
"The people aren't nice" they said.
Adam Rhodes?
Yes?
Did you post a solicitan on Missed Connections?
Yeah, hey, is everything okay?
Did you find my boys?
Sir, we need you to come with us.
Yeah, sure, anything I can do to he.
Can't wait to play with those boys again.
Let's go.