1
00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:04,462
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

2
00:00:06,256 --> 00:00:10,593
Honey, can you grab that?
I'm in the bathroom.

3
00:00:10,968 --> 00:00:13,012
AUDREY:Coming.

4
00:00:15,765 --> 00:00:16,474
Seriously?

5
00:00:16,474 --> 00:00:20,353
I'm sorry. It's the women's
beach volleyball finals.

6
00:00:20,353 --> 00:00:22,605
You should watch
those girls closely.

7
00:00:22,605 --> 00:00:25,567
You're gonna need
to remember them later.

8
00:00:28,653 --> 00:00:29,237
Hey.
Hey.

9
00:00:29,237 --> 00:00:31,614
Can I keep this cake
in your fridge?

10
00:00:31,614 --> 00:00:32,949
Sure.

11
00:00:32,949 --> 00:00:34,076
Cake?

12
00:00:34,076 --> 00:00:35,202
AUDREY:
Interesting.

13
00:00:35,202 --> 00:00:37,245
Cake trumps bouncy boobs.

14
00:00:37,245 --> 00:00:39,706
It's not for you,
it's for my party.

15
00:00:39,706 --> 00:00:42,167
Oh, right, your little
"girls only" sex party.

16
00:00:42,167 --> 00:00:44,794
No, it's an adult toy party,
I'm hosting it for my friend.

17
00:00:44,794 --> 00:00:46,879
It's like a Tupperware party,
but with sex toys.

18
00:00:46,879 --> 00:00:51,050
I'm not sure those are going
to keep your leftovers fresh.

19
00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:52,844
Let me give you a hand
with that.

20
00:00:52,844 --> 00:00:54,429
No, I will take it.

21
00:00:54,429 --> 00:00:55,263
And no stealing a bite

22
00:00:55,263 --> 00:00:57,014
and blaming it
on fridge mice again.

23
00:00:57,014 --> 00:01:00,810
I really don't think Jeff's
going to want to eat that cake.

24
00:01:00,810 --> 00:01:04,939
Please. I have yet to meet
the cake I didn't want to eat.

25
00:01:04,939 --> 00:01:07,900
It's a weird shape.

26
00:01:08,985 --> 00:01:11,279
Oh, come on!

27
00:01:11,279 --> 00:01:13,198
Are you sure
you don't want a bite?

28
00:01:13,198 --> 00:01:15,700
I don't want that thing
anywhere near my mouth.

29
00:01:15,700 --> 00:01:18,536
That's an ironic
turn of events.

30
00:01:18,536 --> 00:01:21,289
I got it from this erotic
dessert place downtown,

31
00:01:21,289 --> 00:01:22,582
Masturbakers.

32
00:01:22,582 --> 00:01:24,000
[LAUGHS]

33
00:01:24,126 --> 00:01:25,502
I'll go put it
in the fridge.

34
00:01:25,502 --> 00:01:29,922
Um, just to warn you,
you might get some shrinkage.

35
00:01:29,922 --> 00:01:34,010
You can't always
blame it on the cold.

36
00:01:34,136 --> 00:01:35,428
All right.
And I am gonna go try

37
00:01:35,428 --> 00:01:37,847
and drink that image
out of my head.

38
00:01:38,848 --> 00:01:40,767
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

39
00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:44,312
Hey, so you're going
to the big perv party, huh?

40
00:01:44,312 --> 00:01:45,563
[LAUGHS]

41
00:01:45,563 --> 00:01:46,481
Yeah, just me, Jen,

42
00:01:46,481 --> 00:01:50,527
and a bunch of women I'm going
to learn way too much about.

43
00:01:50,527 --> 00:01:55,323
I don't judge any of those
ladies for buying that stuff.

44
00:01:55,323 --> 00:02:01,246
Not everybody has access
to their very own sex machine.

45
00:02:02,205 --> 00:02:03,790
[AUDREY MOANS]

46
00:02:03,873 --> 00:02:08,295
If only I could turn off
the talking option.

47
00:02:08,295 --> 00:02:10,046
[CELL PHONE RINGS]

48
00:02:10,046 --> 00:02:11,673
Is that a new phone?Yeah.

49
00:02:11,673 --> 00:02:13,508
What was wrong
with the old one?

50
00:02:13,508 --> 00:02:14,592
I've had it
like three years.

51
00:02:14,592 --> 00:02:18,221
In phone years, that's
two cans and a string.

52
00:02:18,221 --> 00:02:19,306
Oh. It's Jen.

53
00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:21,599
She wants me to bring over
wine glasses.

54
00:02:21,599 --> 00:02:24,519
You texting now?
What are you, in high school?

55
00:02:24,519 --> 00:02:27,021
What's the matter?
Everybody texts--

56
00:02:27,021 --> 00:02:27,689
Shh.

57
00:02:27,689 --> 00:02:30,442
I'm imagining you
in high school.

58
00:02:30,442 --> 00:02:30,942
Ew.

59
00:02:30,858 --> 00:02:32,985
Yeah. Yeah, you just--
You hurry along now.

60
00:02:32,985 --> 00:02:35,947
Don't want to be late
for cheerleading practice.

61
00:02:35,947 --> 00:02:36,698
Shut up.

62
00:02:36,698 --> 00:02:38,408
[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]

63
00:02:38,408 --> 00:02:41,828
♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you?" ♪♪

64
00:02:42,204 --> 00:02:46,958
♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪

65
00:02:46,958 --> 00:02:49,627
♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪

66
00:02:49,627 --> 00:02:51,879
♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪

67
00:02:51,879 --> 00:02:56,384
♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪

68
00:02:59,679 --> 00:03:02,932
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

69
00:03:05,727 --> 00:03:08,938
Can I get a tall latte?

70
00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:12,108
Single guys
are way too much trouble.

71
00:03:12,108 --> 00:03:13,318
That's why I like
married guys.

72
00:03:13,318 --> 00:03:15,152
They're easy,
and they won't tell anyone

73
00:03:15,152 --> 00:03:16,696
because they don't want
to get caught.

74
00:03:16,696 --> 00:03:20,658
I'm telling you, it's only
married guys for me.

75
00:03:23,245 --> 00:03:24,954
Hey, honey...

76
00:03:24,954 --> 00:03:26,998
Yeah.

77
00:03:27,039 --> 00:03:29,376
Um, yeah. Yeah.

78
00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:31,961
I love being married
to you too.

79
00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:34,130
Uh-huh. Okay.

80
00:03:34,130 --> 00:03:36,216
All right. Bye.

81
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:37,550
Ah, the wife.

82
00:03:37,550 --> 00:03:39,344
You're married?

83
00:03:39,844 --> 00:03:40,428
That obvious, huh?

84
00:03:40,428 --> 00:03:43,014
Well, you just said you were
talking to your wife.

85
00:03:43,014 --> 00:03:45,350
Oh, yeah.
That I was.

86
00:03:45,433 --> 00:03:47,560
I wouldn't have pegged you
as married.

87
00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:49,646
You just don't give off
that vibe.

88
00:03:49,646 --> 00:03:50,772
Oh, that's funny.

89
00:03:50,772 --> 00:03:53,900
Oh, I can't wait to get home
and tell that to the missus.

90
00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:56,861
Yeah, the old
ball and chain, you know.

91
00:03:56,861 --> 00:03:58,446
My better half.
Ha, ha.

92
00:03:58,446 --> 00:04:02,575
She's probably home making
casseroles and...

93
00:04:03,618 --> 00:04:06,078
Can I get an ETA
on that latte?

94
00:04:06,078 --> 00:04:07,163
[SIGHS]

95
00:04:07,163 --> 00:04:09,791
Yeah, so, yeah.

96
00:04:11,293 --> 00:04:14,837
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

97
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:18,633
Hey, Aud.

98
00:04:18,633 --> 00:04:21,261
Hello?

99
00:04:22,845 --> 00:04:25,473
[SIGHS]

100
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:30,019
[VIBRATING]

101
00:04:36,192 --> 00:04:37,860
[VIBRATING STOPS]

102
00:04:38,528 --> 00:04:41,364
God! Audrey?

103
00:04:41,864 --> 00:04:43,866
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

104
00:04:51,207 --> 00:04:52,124
What?
I'm just returning

105
00:04:52,124 --> 00:04:54,836
your cake plate
and some leftover cake.

106
00:04:54,836 --> 00:04:56,212
[SCOFFS]

107
00:04:56,212 --> 00:05:00,675
Even in cake form
women ignore those.

108
00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:02,802
So did Audrey
have a good time?

109
00:05:02,802 --> 00:05:05,262
Maybe. Why?
What did Jen say?

110
00:05:05,262 --> 00:05:06,931
Oh, nothing,
she passed out.

111
00:05:06,931 --> 00:05:10,310
Too many penis coladas.
You know.

112
00:05:10,643 --> 00:05:12,895
So, uh, did Jen
purchased anything?

113
00:05:12,895 --> 00:05:14,481
No! No,
she doesn't need to.

114
00:05:14,481 --> 00:05:17,024
She is all taken care of
in that department.

115
00:05:17,024 --> 00:05:19,444
And that department
is sex.

116
00:05:19,444 --> 00:05:21,946
Oh, yeah,
because you're so good.

117
00:05:21,946 --> 00:05:23,906
Oh. Hey, you know?
The doctor actually said

118
00:05:23,906 --> 00:05:25,908
she needed
to cut back a little.

119
00:05:25,908 --> 00:05:28,578
To what? Just you?

120
00:05:28,745 --> 00:05:30,330
Well, so, what did
Audrey buy?

121
00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:32,164
What makes you think
Audrey bought anything?

122
00:05:32,164 --> 00:05:35,084
I don't know. You guys
have been married forever.

123
00:05:35,084 --> 00:05:37,379
Plus you're like 90.

124
00:05:37,462 --> 00:05:39,506
I mean, I thought
you might need a little help,

125
00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:43,510
like the sexual equivalent
of a hearing aid.

126
00:05:43,676 --> 00:05:45,928
Well I don't.
And she doesn't.

127
00:05:45,928 --> 00:05:47,138
Audrey's totally covered.

128
00:05:47,138 --> 00:05:51,893
With all her needs
and whatnot.

129
00:05:51,893 --> 00:05:55,438
[OBJECT VIBRATING]

130
00:05:55,980 --> 00:05:57,231
What's that?

131
00:05:57,231 --> 00:05:58,650
What?

132
00:05:58,650 --> 00:06:00,109
Buzzing noise.

133
00:06:00,109 --> 00:06:02,779
Cell phone.

134
00:06:02,820 --> 00:06:04,947
Aren't you gonna
answer it?

135
00:06:05,156 --> 00:06:05,907
No, that'd be rude.

136
00:06:05,907 --> 00:06:08,743
We're right in the middle
of a conversation.

137
00:06:08,743 --> 00:06:11,203
Well, shouldn't it go
to voice mail?

138
00:06:11,203 --> 00:06:14,206
No, I have it set to, um--

139
00:06:14,206 --> 00:06:16,668
"Just keep ringing."

140
00:06:25,468 --> 00:06:27,011
Get out.

141
00:06:29,055 --> 00:06:32,600
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

142
00:06:34,852 --> 00:06:37,021
Oh, Jen, good.

143
00:06:37,021 --> 00:06:37,689
There you are. Okay.

144
00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:40,149
I need you to tell me
the truth about something.

145
00:06:40,149 --> 00:06:42,985
Yes. They're faking.

146
00:06:43,110 --> 00:06:45,947
Ha, ha.
And I don't care.

147
00:06:45,947 --> 00:06:47,239
I need you to look at me
and tell me

148
00:06:47,239 --> 00:06:49,951
if you would believe
that I'm married.

149
00:06:53,245 --> 00:06:55,707
Does this wife
need a green card?

150
00:06:55,707 --> 00:06:56,373
No.

151
00:06:56,373 --> 00:06:58,543
Is she blind?
No.

152
00:06:58,543 --> 00:06:59,836
Mail order?
Head injury?

153
00:06:59,836 --> 00:07:01,713
Clinically insane?
No, no, no.

154
00:07:01,713 --> 00:07:03,465
Trying to get back
at her parents?

155
00:07:03,465 --> 00:07:04,507
Aren't they all?

156
00:07:04,507 --> 00:07:06,676
Look, no, I wouldn't believe
you're married.

157
00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:09,471
Oh. Damn, I give out
such a single-guy aura.

158
00:07:09,471 --> 00:07:12,139
See, I met this chick and she's
only into married guys.

159
00:07:12,139 --> 00:07:14,225
Oh, she sounds
well-adjusted.

160
00:07:14,225 --> 00:07:16,393
So I need to get
that beaten-down,

161
00:07:16,393 --> 00:07:18,771
praying-for-sweet-death
married-guy vibe.

162
00:07:18,771 --> 00:07:21,483
Why don't you just lie
and say you're married?

163
00:07:21,483 --> 00:07:25,612
Um, because that's lazy
and disrespectful.

164
00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:28,948
And I've already tried that and
I don't think she's buying it.

165
00:07:28,948 --> 00:07:29,866
But I got us
a date for coffee,

166
00:07:29,866 --> 00:07:32,118
and I'm already out
of miserable husband stories.

167
00:07:32,118 --> 00:07:34,370
That's where you
come into the picture.

168
00:07:34,370 --> 00:07:36,080
Oh, no.
I am not in the picture.

169
00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:37,957
Your pictures are
sleazy and disgusting

170
00:07:37,957 --> 00:07:39,709
and in the case
of that one you emailed me,

171
00:07:39,709 --> 00:07:42,378
demeaning to both
little people and clowns.

172
00:07:42,378 --> 00:07:42,962
[LAUGHS]

173
00:07:42,962 --> 00:07:44,672
I can see how clowns
are bummed out,

174
00:07:44,672 --> 00:07:47,383
but the little people
were having fun.

175
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:50,512
You made it your screen saver?
I gotta go.

176
00:07:50,512 --> 00:07:51,345
No, no, no, wait.
Listen,

177
00:07:51,345 --> 00:07:53,430
I need to get in
the mindset of a married guy.

178
00:07:53,430 --> 00:07:54,516
How they think,
how they feel.

179
00:07:54,516 --> 00:07:57,644
I need you to do me a favor.
Talk to me like a wife would.

180
00:07:57,644 --> 00:07:59,145
No, I'm not doing
that for you.

181
00:07:59,145 --> 00:08:02,439
That's good,
that's very realistic.

182
00:08:02,439 --> 00:08:04,484
I'm going to write
some of this down.

183
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:05,818
You're an idiot.

184
00:08:05,818 --> 00:08:06,778
Nice. More.

185
00:08:06,778 --> 00:08:09,572
I can't even look
at your face right now.

186
00:08:09,572 --> 00:08:10,114
[LAUGHS]

187
00:08:10,114 --> 00:08:13,034
Slow down,
you're going too fast.

188
00:08:13,034 --> 00:08:14,702
You're disgusting.
I gotta go.

189
00:08:14,702 --> 00:08:17,329
I said
talk to me like a wife,

190
00:08:17,329 --> 00:08:19,874
not one of my dates.

191
00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:23,878
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

192
00:08:23,878 --> 00:08:26,255
Whew. Eh?

193
00:08:26,255 --> 00:08:27,423
Wow!

194
00:08:27,423 --> 00:08:29,383
Huh?

195
00:08:29,884 --> 00:08:31,343
Job well done.

196
00:08:31,343 --> 00:08:32,887
[LAUGHING]
Yeah.

197
00:08:32,887 --> 00:08:33,596
That was nice.

198
00:08:33,596 --> 00:08:37,433
So would you describe yourself
as "satisfied,"

199
00:08:37,433 --> 00:08:42,647
"extremely satisfied"
or "totally satisfied"?

200
00:08:42,647 --> 00:08:43,397
[LAUGHS]

201
00:08:43,397 --> 00:08:48,360
Look at you, still awake
and caring how it went.

202
00:08:48,903 --> 00:08:50,196
Hey, I care.

203
00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:52,489
In fact, I could go again.

204
00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:54,742
Eventually.

205
00:08:54,742 --> 00:08:55,242
[LAUGHS]

206
00:08:55,159 --> 00:08:57,995
That's all right, babe.
I'm kinda tired.

207
00:08:57,995 --> 00:09:01,207
[CLEARS THROAT]
Would you say "spent"?

208
00:09:01,833 --> 00:09:03,375
Yeah, sure.

209
00:09:06,462 --> 00:09:07,547
[CHUCKLES]

210
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:10,675
"Spent."

211
00:09:11,342 --> 00:09:13,427
All right.

212
00:09:14,762 --> 00:09:17,807
[OBJECT VIBRATING]

213
00:09:17,807 --> 00:09:20,810
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

214
00:09:23,437 --> 00:09:25,940
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

215
00:09:26,983 --> 00:09:28,651
I don't believe this.

216
00:09:28,651 --> 00:09:31,237
[VIBRATING SOUNDS]

217
00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:36,784
Stop that right now!

218
00:09:36,784 --> 00:09:38,953
What?

219
00:09:39,912 --> 00:09:43,666
Overbrushing.
That's a serious problem.

220
00:09:44,626 --> 00:09:45,877
What are you
talking about?

221
00:09:45,877 --> 00:09:48,671
Okay, look,
I heard the buzzing

222
00:09:48,671 --> 00:09:51,132
and I thought
that you were, uh...

223
00:09:51,132 --> 00:09:51,924
I was what?

224
00:09:51,924 --> 00:09:53,009
Look, I found
the little item

225
00:09:53,009 --> 00:09:55,511
that you bought at the party
earlier, so--

226
00:09:55,511 --> 00:09:56,178
[SIGHS]

227
00:09:56,178 --> 00:09:58,555
That? That wasn't mine.

228
00:09:58,555 --> 00:09:59,807
I grabbed Jen's bag
by mistake.

229
00:09:59,807 --> 00:10:03,853
Oh. So wait, the--
The bag was Jennifer's?

230
00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:05,271
Yeah.

231
00:10:06,105 --> 00:10:08,482
Excellent.

232
00:10:08,565 --> 00:10:09,984
Carry on.

233
00:10:11,819 --> 00:10:14,363
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

234
00:10:16,824 --> 00:10:18,951
Uh-huh.

235
00:10:18,951 --> 00:10:20,662
Uh-huh.
Ah.

236
00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:23,580
Make a reservation
for tonight.

237
00:10:23,580 --> 00:10:24,415
Uh...

238
00:10:24,415 --> 00:10:28,711
Make a res-- Then don't make
reservations for tonight.

239
00:10:28,711 --> 00:10:31,213
All right. I gotta go.
Yeah.

240
00:10:31,213 --> 00:10:33,007
Oh.

241
00:10:33,007 --> 00:10:37,511
Why can't she
make a decision?

242
00:10:37,511 --> 00:10:39,764
[GROANS]

243
00:10:40,056 --> 00:10:40,723
What are you doing?

244
00:10:40,723 --> 00:10:43,100
I'm getting great
"married guy" stuff here.

245
00:10:43,100 --> 00:10:46,979
I want to learn everything
about you that says "I give up."

246
00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:48,773
Hey, losers.

247
00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:53,277
Oh, so how was your lady's
little dirty soiree?

248
00:10:53,277 --> 00:10:54,320
Yes, Adam.
How was it?

249
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:55,947
Did anyone
buy anything last night

250
00:10:55,947 --> 00:10:58,490
that we should know about?
Eh?

251
00:10:58,490 --> 00:11:00,326
Jen bought a sex toy.

252
00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:01,327
Oh!

253
00:11:01,327 --> 00:11:02,662
Just one? I thought
she'd have

254
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:05,372
one of those big assassin
briefcases full.

255
00:11:05,372 --> 00:11:08,375
[IMITATING BRIEFCASE LOCKS
UNLATCHING]

256
00:11:08,375 --> 00:11:10,461
[WHISTLES]

257
00:11:10,461 --> 00:11:11,838
Stop it. No.

258
00:11:11,838 --> 00:11:13,047
No. She's never
had one before.

259
00:11:13,047 --> 00:11:17,509
who needs a sexual
hearing aid now, huh?

260
00:11:17,509 --> 00:11:19,762
I win.
RUSSELL: Oh.

261
00:11:19,846 --> 00:11:25,059
"He gets overly excited about
pathetic little victories."

262
00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:27,186
No, no, no.
Look, I won, okay?

263
00:11:27,186 --> 00:11:28,813
The item she got
was an us thing,

264
00:11:28,813 --> 00:11:31,816
which led to the best sex
we ever had.

265
00:11:31,816 --> 00:11:33,609
Ooh. What'd you guys use?

266
00:11:33,609 --> 00:11:36,695
Whips? Prosthetics? Chains?

267
00:11:36,695 --> 00:11:39,240
Smackerdoodles?

268
00:11:39,448 --> 00:11:43,702
Just some regular
non-weird stuff?

269
00:11:43,702 --> 00:11:45,037
Oh, starter kit.

270
00:11:45,037 --> 00:11:46,122
Cute.

271
00:11:46,122 --> 00:11:47,123
You know what?
Last night,

272
00:11:47,123 --> 00:11:49,541
Audrey and I had
a solid little session.

273
00:11:49,541 --> 00:11:50,709
No bells and whistles.

274
00:11:50,709 --> 00:11:53,796
Just a man,
a woman and a bed.

275
00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:56,048
Dude, everybody's
using sex toys now.

276
00:11:56,048 --> 00:11:57,341
You gotta keep up.

277
00:11:57,341 --> 00:11:59,468
"Doesn't keep up."

278
00:11:59,468 --> 00:12:00,302
Yeah, you gotta try new stuff

279
00:12:00,302 --> 00:12:02,638
or you become like one of those
lame nostalgia bands,

280
00:12:02,638 --> 00:12:05,474
you know, playing the same
tired old hits year after year.

281
00:12:05,474 --> 00:12:07,309
Yeah, whenever those bands
play new stuff,

282
00:12:07,309 --> 00:12:08,853
that's when people
get up to get a beer.

283
00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:11,230
Audrey never gets up to get
a beer in the middle of my set.

284
00:12:11,230 --> 00:12:14,984
Yeah, that's because your set's
a tight four minutes.

285
00:12:14,984 --> 00:12:15,609
[RUSSELL LAUGHS]

286
00:12:15,609 --> 00:12:19,405
Ah. "Finishes
really quickly."

287
00:12:23,826 --> 00:12:26,412
"Sensitive about finishing."

288
00:12:26,412 --> 00:12:29,415
You know what? I asked Audrey
last night how it went,

289
00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:31,208
and she said it was fine.

290
00:12:31,208 --> 00:12:33,335
Hey-o! "Fine." Wow.

291
00:12:33,335 --> 00:12:36,672
That's slightly better
than okay.

292
00:12:36,672 --> 00:12:38,340
You know, I'm just saying,
Audrey seems

293
00:12:38,340 --> 00:12:41,635
like someone who likes
to keep up with new stuff.

294
00:12:41,844 --> 00:12:43,387
She did just get
a new cell phone.

295
00:12:43,387 --> 00:12:45,932
And downloaded
that new Coldplay CD.

296
00:12:45,932 --> 00:12:47,892
Ooh.Ooh.

297
00:12:48,475 --> 00:12:49,894
That doesn't sound
like someone

298
00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:51,437
who enjoys sweating
to the oldies.

299
00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:54,731
Hm. Or sweating
under the oldie.

300
00:12:54,731 --> 00:12:55,817
[LAUGHS]

301
00:12:55,817 --> 00:12:56,775
That's for the pencil.

302
00:12:56,775 --> 00:12:59,821
No! That's my last one!

303
00:13:01,572 --> 00:13:05,076
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

304
00:13:08,620 --> 00:13:10,206
Whoa!

305
00:13:10,706 --> 00:13:12,708
Look at this place.

306
00:13:12,708 --> 00:13:15,086
Oh, cool, games!

307
00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:18,547
S-sex games.

308
00:13:19,756 --> 00:13:23,677
All right, I'm a married guy
in a sex shop.

309
00:13:23,677 --> 00:13:25,221
How am I feeling?

310
00:13:25,221 --> 00:13:27,806
I'm feeling...

311
00:13:27,806 --> 00:13:29,808
constipated?

312
00:13:29,808 --> 00:13:31,978
What am I doing here?

313
00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:32,519
Oh, confused.

314
00:13:32,519 --> 00:13:35,231
You know, it looks a lot
like constipated.

315
00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:37,358
Hey, guys.
Check it out.

316
00:13:37,358 --> 00:13:39,110
"Par-sleazy."

317
00:13:39,110 --> 00:13:43,865
You know,
instead of "cheesi." Yeah.

318
00:13:43,865 --> 00:13:45,657
Hi.
Can I help you?

319
00:13:45,657 --> 00:13:46,742
Uh, just
looking around.

320
00:13:46,742 --> 00:13:48,827
Oh, for something
for you and your wife?

321
00:13:48,827 --> 00:13:50,537
See? How does he know
you're married?

322
00:13:50,537 --> 00:13:52,206
You know, I'm looking
for something too.

323
00:13:52,206 --> 00:13:55,251
Yeah, the fetish stuff's
in the back, buddy.

324
00:13:56,043 --> 00:13:58,170
No, the wife and I
are to-- Look--

325
00:13:58,170 --> 00:14:01,632
Yeah.
It's in the back, okay?

326
00:14:03,634 --> 00:14:06,387
Okay, uh, so, what sort
of things is your wife into?

327
00:14:06,387 --> 00:14:10,307
You know, new stuff
like texting and Coldplay.

328
00:14:10,307 --> 00:14:11,183
[CHUCKLES]

329
00:14:11,183 --> 00:14:14,270
No. I mean
what does she into sexually?

330
00:14:14,270 --> 00:14:15,437
Watch it, buddy.

331
00:14:15,437 --> 00:14:22,236
Sorry. I didn't mean to offend
you, Mr. Sex Store Customer.

332
00:14:22,319 --> 00:14:24,821
I'm sorry, I'm--
I'm new at this whole thing.

333
00:14:24,821 --> 00:14:27,449
That's all right.
Let's start with the basics.

334
00:14:27,449 --> 00:14:29,535
How about some lingerie?

335
00:14:29,535 --> 00:14:30,702
Forty-nine dollars?

336
00:14:30,702 --> 00:14:32,621
There's barely anything there.

337
00:14:32,621 --> 00:14:34,581
Yeah, it's crotchless.

338
00:14:34,581 --> 00:14:36,667
It's like the old
egg white scam.

339
00:14:36,667 --> 00:14:39,545
They take the yolk away,
but they charge you more.

340
00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:42,673
You're just taking the yolk
of the panties away

341
00:14:42,673 --> 00:14:45,509
and raising the price.

342
00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:48,220
Wow, you really are
new at this, aren't you?

343
00:14:48,220 --> 00:14:50,681
Let me show you
something.

344
00:14:50,681 --> 00:14:51,848
RUSSELL:
Hm.

345
00:14:51,848 --> 00:14:53,976
Got it.

346
00:14:53,976 --> 00:14:55,978
Got it.

347
00:14:55,978 --> 00:14:57,813
Had it.

348
00:14:58,439 --> 00:15:00,024
Broke it.

349
00:15:00,774 --> 00:15:03,069
"New and improved." Hm.

350
00:15:03,069 --> 00:15:04,528
We'll see.

351
00:15:05,696 --> 00:15:06,906
Hey, beads.

352
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:08,782
Audrey likes
this crafty stuff.

353
00:15:08,782 --> 00:15:10,617
What is this?
A necklace?

354
00:15:13,370 --> 00:15:16,790
Yes. Yes. That's exactly
what it is. It's a necklace.

355
00:15:16,790 --> 00:15:19,919
Here, let me show you some
of our more popular items.

356
00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:20,711
Here, in this area.

357
00:15:20,711 --> 00:15:22,964
This is--
This is good stuff.

358
00:15:22,964 --> 00:15:24,715
Really?Yeah.

359
00:15:24,715 --> 00:15:26,758
I love this woman.

360
00:15:27,676 --> 00:15:29,803
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

361
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:36,102
Doing some shopping?
Some.

362
00:15:36,102 --> 00:15:39,271
[ELEVATOR BELL RINGS]
Oh, hold the elevator.

363
00:15:39,271 --> 00:15:39,771
Hey.

364
00:15:39,688 --> 00:15:41,190
Hey.
What you got in there?

365
00:15:41,190 --> 00:15:44,193
Oh, you know, I just picked up
a few things.

366
00:15:44,193 --> 00:15:49,406
Otis, leave the man's
groceries alone.

367
00:15:49,406 --> 00:15:50,574
You bought groceries?

368
00:15:50,574 --> 00:15:52,118
Oh, do you have
some chips or something?

369
00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:55,079
I am so hungry.
You're always hungry.

370
00:15:55,079 --> 00:15:56,247
Back off.

371
00:15:56,247 --> 00:15:57,414
You're acting weird.

372
00:15:57,414 --> 00:15:58,832
You're acting weird.

373
00:15:58,832 --> 00:16:00,459
Why are you being
so sneaky?

374
00:16:00,459 --> 00:16:01,752
Let me see
what's in there.

375
00:16:01,752 --> 00:16:03,629
What is this?
Red China?

376
00:16:03,754 --> 00:16:05,464
AUDREY:
Is it a present?

377
00:16:05,464 --> 00:16:06,548
What? What?

378
00:16:06,548 --> 00:16:08,717
Otis, what do you have?

379
00:16:08,717 --> 00:16:10,427
Jeff!
Oh!

380
00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:12,179
Oh, my...

381
00:16:12,179 --> 00:16:14,806
Oh, my God, is that
what I think it is?

382
00:16:14,806 --> 00:16:16,517
[BOTH CHUCKLE]

383
00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:18,352
It's hers.

384
00:16:18,352 --> 00:16:20,396
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

385
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:24,525
What would possess you
to buy all this stuff?

386
00:16:24,525 --> 00:16:29,196
Look, I didn't want us to become
a nostalgia band, okay?

387
00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:31,115
I-- I have no idea
what that means

388
00:16:31,115 --> 00:16:35,619
or what it has to do with
remote-controlled underwear.

389
00:16:36,495 --> 00:16:37,913
Look, I didn't want you
to get tired

390
00:16:37,913 --> 00:16:41,250
of, you know, always
hearing the same old songs

391
00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:42,668
in the bedroom.

392
00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:43,835
Oh.

393
00:16:43,835 --> 00:16:45,754
Honey, no.
Those are great songs.

394
00:16:45,754 --> 00:16:48,257
I love those songs.
They are great.

395
00:16:48,257 --> 00:16:51,635
You know I'm not talking
about actual songs, right?

396
00:16:51,635 --> 00:16:53,637
Yeah. Yeah.
I got that.

397
00:16:53,637 --> 00:16:56,223
It's just that we've
been married for 13 years

398
00:16:56,223 --> 00:16:58,017
and our sex life is, uh...

399
00:16:58,017 --> 00:16:59,268
Honey, our sex life
is fine.

400
00:16:59,268 --> 00:17:02,646
I thought I could give you
something more than fine.

401
00:17:02,646 --> 00:17:06,150
So you-- You bought me
a whole sex shop?

402
00:17:06,150 --> 00:17:08,527
Actually there was
another bag

403
00:17:08,527 --> 00:17:11,572
that spilled
on the sidewalk.

404
00:17:11,572 --> 00:17:15,367
I was too embarrassed
to pick it all up so...

405
00:17:15,367 --> 00:17:17,244
I just ran.

406
00:17:17,869 --> 00:17:20,831
[LAUGHING]
Honey, that's so nice.

407
00:17:20,831 --> 00:17:22,124
You were thinking of me.

408
00:17:22,124 --> 00:17:24,626
But honestly,
all I need is you.

409
00:17:24,626 --> 00:17:25,127
Really?

410
00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:29,923
Yes.
You're my big sex toy.

411
00:17:29,923 --> 00:17:31,550
[LAUGHS]

412
00:17:31,550 --> 00:17:32,051
Oh. Thanks.

413
00:17:32,008 --> 00:17:34,345
But what are we gonna do
with all this stuff?

414
00:17:34,345 --> 00:17:35,387
You know, unfortunately,

415
00:17:35,387 --> 00:17:39,600
the Lust Frontier has
a pretty strict return policy.

416
00:17:40,517 --> 00:17:41,017
Well...

417
00:17:40,934 --> 00:17:43,770
it'd be a waste
just to throw it away.

418
00:17:43,770 --> 00:17:44,771
I mean...

419
00:17:44,771 --> 00:17:48,567
I guess trying some of this
stuff wouldn't hurt.

420
00:17:48,567 --> 00:17:49,193
Ooh.

421
00:17:49,193 --> 00:17:52,196
Actually, I think
that one would.

422
00:17:52,196 --> 00:17:55,449
Did you know that one's
for you, right?

423
00:17:55,449 --> 00:17:58,994
I'm positive
that would hurt.

424
00:18:00,287 --> 00:18:03,915
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

425
00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:07,836
So I'm like,
"Make the reservation.

426
00:18:07,836 --> 00:18:09,713
Okay, don't make
the reservation."

427
00:18:09,713 --> 00:18:13,967
Oh! I mean, I love her,
but she can't make a decision.

428
00:18:13,967 --> 00:18:15,886
It's just so...

429
00:18:17,846 --> 00:18:18,972
Confusing?

430
00:18:18,972 --> 00:18:20,182
Yes! Thank you.

431
00:18:20,182 --> 00:18:23,685
You know what? You don't need
to hear my "married guy" stuff

432
00:18:23,685 --> 00:18:26,105
It's a bore.
Oh. I don't mind.

433
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:29,483
You know, you seem like you need
someone to talk to.

434
00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:29,983
I do.

435
00:18:29,941 --> 00:18:32,027
I mean, Beth's great,
it's just

436
00:18:32,027 --> 00:18:34,780
sometimes I don't think
she hears me.

437
00:18:34,780 --> 00:18:35,947
I understand.

438
00:18:35,947 --> 00:18:41,745
You know, maybe we should go
somewhere quieter to talk.

439
00:18:41,745 --> 00:18:45,457
Well, I guess there's
no harm in talking.

440
00:18:45,457 --> 00:18:47,126
Check, please.

441
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:48,752
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

442
00:18:48,752 --> 00:18:50,671
RUSSELL:
Oh, my God. This is so kinky.

443
00:18:50,671 --> 00:18:54,550
My wife Beth would never do
anything like this.

444
00:18:54,550 --> 00:18:56,718
By the way, this one's got
a little play in it.

445
00:18:56,718 --> 00:18:59,471
You might want
to tighten it up.

446
00:18:59,888 --> 00:19:02,766
Mm. Oh, okay.
Okay, got it, got it.

447
00:19:02,766 --> 00:19:04,185
[SIGHS]

448
00:19:04,185 --> 00:19:05,186
Oh.

449
00:19:05,186 --> 00:19:06,812
This is kind of hot.

450
00:19:06,812 --> 00:19:08,355
Hey, what are you doing?

451
00:19:08,355 --> 00:19:10,065
I'm robbing you.

452
00:19:10,065 --> 00:19:12,901
Of my monogamy?

453
00:19:12,984 --> 00:19:15,446
Of your cash
and credit cards.

454
00:19:15,446 --> 00:19:17,281
And then my monogamy?

455
00:19:17,281 --> 00:19:19,158
And you're not going
to tell anyone,

456
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:20,784
because if you do,
your wife will find out

457
00:19:20,784 --> 00:19:24,955
and she'll divorce you
and take everything you've got.

458
00:19:24,955 --> 00:19:27,958
Oh, that's why you like
married guys.

459
00:19:27,958 --> 00:19:28,750
Uh-huh.

460
00:19:28,750 --> 00:19:30,419
Well, the joke's on you,
sweetheart.

461
00:19:30,419 --> 00:19:32,796
I'm not really married!
Ha-ha!

462
00:19:32,796 --> 00:19:34,881
Who looks stupid now?

463
00:19:37,718 --> 00:19:39,428
All right, still me.

464
00:19:39,428 --> 00:19:42,097
Hey, can you turn
the TV on?

465
00:19:42,097 --> 00:19:43,349
[GRUNTS]

466
00:19:43,349 --> 00:19:45,976
Marriage sucks.

467
00:19:45,976 --> 00:19:48,479
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

468
00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:51,773
[JEFF AND AUDREY MOANING]

469
00:19:52,148 --> 00:19:53,567
That's good.
Mm.

470
00:19:53,567 --> 00:19:57,238
I want more of that.
Mm.

471
00:19:57,238 --> 00:19:58,572
[SPRAYS]

472
00:19:59,030 --> 00:20:00,115
Mm.

473
00:20:00,115 --> 00:20:01,783
Not bad for sex food.

474
00:20:01,783 --> 00:20:03,785
This is fun.
It's good to try new things.

475
00:20:03,785 --> 00:20:05,996
How's the edible underwear?
It's good.

476
00:20:05,996 --> 00:20:08,540
It says the flavor
is passion fruit.

477
00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:11,252
Huh. Yeah, I get that.

478
00:20:11,918 --> 00:20:14,838
Want to try a pair?
Sure.

479
00:20:14,963 --> 00:20:16,507
How about
I put it on first?

480
00:20:16,507 --> 00:20:20,886
Yes, Jeff, because that's
what I want my food touching

481
00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:22,638
before I eat it.

482
00:20:23,138 --> 00:20:24,806
Yeah, I get that.

483
00:20:24,806 --> 00:20:26,725
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

484
00:20:28,685 --> 00:20:31,187
[OBJECT VIBRATING]

485
00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:36,735
[VIBRATING STOPS]

486
00:20:42,449 --> 00:20:43,116
Hey.

487
00:20:43,116 --> 00:20:46,287
I didn't know you got
an electric toothbrush.

488
00:20:46,287 --> 00:20:48,330
I didn't.

489
00:20:50,165 --> 00:20:51,041
[SIGHS]

490
00:20:51,041 --> 00:20:53,627
Man, I am spent.

491
00:20:54,253 --> 00:20:55,837
Good night, honey.

492
00:21:00,050 --> 00:21:03,304
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

493
00:21:06,807 --> 00:21:09,351
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]