Here you go, Jeff. Enjoy.
Yeah. Russell.
What's up with you and Doreen?
She asked me what I did this weekend.
And?
And I told her.
[CHUCKLING]
AUDREY: Hey.
Where's my food?
This isn't a magic diner.
You have to tell the waitress what you want.
I texted you my order 10 minutes ago.
Why do you have such a problem with texting?
It's for teenage girls.
I text all the time.
And guys with teenage-girl hair.
[AUDREY LAUGHS]
I think you would embrace texting.
You hate actually talking to other human beings.
I do dislike people.
I'm just old school. That's all.
You don't like pushing buttons with your gorilla thumbs.
[GRUNTING]
With your baby hands, it's like you're actually typing.
All right, well, you're missing out, Magilla, all right?
I control my whole universe with this thi--
Oh, my God, where's my phone?
Oh, no, I left it at that girl's apartment.
Right next to the chloroform?
Why don't you just wait till she comes to and then go get it?
Not so easy.
See, uh, we had what's called a one-night stand,
and, uh, she should be realizing that right about now. Ha-ha!
Did you come here straight from her place?
Yeah.
Put that hand away, brother.
[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]
♪♪ How many ways To say, "I love you?" ♪♪
♪♪ How many ways To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪
♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪
♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪
♪♪ I can't wait For me and you ♪♪
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
All right, seriously,
you have got to get better about texting.
It will help us communicate.
We've been married for 14 years.
What is there left to say?
It's not so I can enjoy your sparkling wit.
It's for scheduling doctor's appointments and stuff.
Ooh, you finally gonna tweak the old lady's rack?
No.
Sorry. No!
They're fertility doctors.
Right, your marriage is at the point
where you like to introduce new characters.
So, what's the plan?
We have a consultation to discuss it today.
Here, I texted you the info.
Oh, here it is. Hey, hit "read" for me, Thumbelina.
ALL: Hey.
What's in the bag? Jen let you take
your nards out for a walk?
Adam does whatever he wants with his nards.
Mm. I bet.
Actually, they're our save-the-date cards.
ALL: Ooh.
Yeah, I got 200 STDs right here.
[LAUGHS]
Don't worry, Russell. You still got him beat.
I hope your wedding doesn't conflict
with a major sports championship game.
Whenever it is, the chances of me going
are proportioned to the hotness of the bridesmaids.
What if you're not invited? Does that factor in?
No, just bridesmaid hotness, I think.
Well, as so often happens around here,
I've lost my appetite. Excuse me.
I'm gonna come with you.
Bye, honey. Mwah.
So you've set a date.
♪♪ Ba-ba-bum ♪♪
Oh, come on, it's not a big deal.
Not a big deal. You wanna take this?
No, you go ahead.
Now you're like an inmate on death row.
Okay, do we have to do this?
Appeals going, you might get a new trial.
Maybe they'll overturn the death penalty.
So you spend a lot of time reading,
maybe get an hour a day in the yard.
It's all good, right?
I'm not hearing anything I disagree with.
Till one day the chief screw calls.
They've set a date. Date for you to go to the chair.
Or lethal injection. Or lethal injection. Sure.
Then it all becomes very real.
Every rise of the sun,
every tick of the clock,
it gets closer.
[WHISPERING] Closer to the date.
You ready? Aah!
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Oh, what the hell?
What are you doing in my office?
I thought I'd come by so we could hang out a bit.
Look, we just hung in the diner,
and, uh, I'm not sure we like each other this much.
I gotta say, your company's Internet filter
is pretty tough, but check this out.
Oh, no!
The human body's pretty stretchy.
Ha-ha! [KNOCK AT DOOR]
Excuse me. Hey, Jeff, this was in your in-box.
Thank you. Sasha, this is Russell.
Hi, Russell. Hey.
Nice to meet you. Oh, wow, look at this.
This is nice.
What is this?
Shirt.
[LAUGHS]
You're so funny.
A bunch of us are going to lunch together.
You should come.
Got a training session at the gym,
but thank you.
Oh, well, don't work out too hard.
You'll bust right out of that.
Oh, I'm not gonna wear this.
I got a T-shirt.
[LAUGHS]
Funny.
All right, maybe next time.
See you later. JEFF: Later.
It was nice to meet you. Yep.
Dude.
What?
She was totally flirting with you.
No, she was not.
What?
"What's this?"
That was such a lame excuse to touch you.
And, "You're gonna bust out of that shirt."
And, "You're so funny." You're not funny.
Huh.
She must not know I'm married.
Well, your ring is buried under that thatch of knuckle hair.
But there's a picture of you and your wife right there.
Am I guilty of something?
No.
This is standard office behavior.
A little bit of good, harmless fun.
But you might want to throw the flirt back at her.
I can do that? Oh, yeah,
with lines like "Shirt."
Come on, you're married. You're not dead.
Hit the ball back once in a while.
She did kind of smell like peaches a little.
There you go. That's not creepy at all.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Timmy, how's it going?
Sir, I've been in your employ long enough to know
that you don't really care.
Exactly.
Listen, I need you to do something for me.
Ah, yes, the phrase that has launched
some of the worst days of my life.
What do you need, sir?
Listen, I had a one-night stand, left my phone there,
need you to go grab it.
That should only take a minute,
something I'm sure she's used to by now.
Here's the address. It's on a little table by the front door.
So, what's the young lady's name?
Stupid question.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
All right.
I look forward to seeing you.
Okay. Bye-bye.
Hey, these were on the printer for you.
Oh, thank you.
I'd ask how your workout was,
but I can see that it was good.
You can? Because today was calf and quad day.
Oh, uh, thank you. [CLEARS THROAT]
And your hair is super shiny,
like freshly Zambonied ice.
[LAUGHS]
Thanks.
I was beginning to wonder if you noticed me at all.
Well, sure I did. I mean, I'm married.
I'm not dead.
No, you certainly are not.
In fact, I think you might be
the last real man I know.
Thank you.
You got a pretty nice lady setup going there.
Look, I'm gonna cut to the chase.
Anytime you wanna get together--
My place, a hotel.
--I'm up for it.
You just let me know.
I am dead.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
[SIGHS]
Welcome!
Oh. Hello.
ALL: Hello. How are you?
Are you here for the Bible study group?
No, I'm-- I'm actually here
just looking for, um...
Is this 1053 Columbus Avenue, Apartment 3G?
It is.
Then, yes, I am here
for the Bible study group.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
[CELL PHONE BUZZING]
What?
I'm doing it. Why are you calling me
to tell me to do what I'm already doing?
Yeah, I'm stupid. I don't know how to mail thank-you notes.
Thank-you notes, huh?
For our wedding gifts.
What do you got? Save-the-date cards.
Pfft. Save the date.
Heh. Oh, what I wouldn't give to be back at save the date.
[CELL PHONE BUZZES]
Good luck.
What now?
Oh, the market. Okay, thanks for that tip.
I was gonna try to buy cheese at the library.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
[PHONE RINGING]
Uh, hello.
You little jerk.
I flirted back and she offered herself to me.
Anytime, anywhere.
You said this was a harmless game.
Well, how was I to know there was a second woman on Earth
that would risk getting under you?
What am I supposed to do now?
Just make a list of all the things Audrey won't do
and, uh, go bananas.
I'm not doing anything. I'm happily married,
and Audrey would find out, and then she'd kill me
and divorce me, and I'd lose everything she made me buy.
How do I shut this down?
All right, don't worry. I know the perfect way to fix this.
All you have to do-- [RINGS]
Hang on. I got another call. One second.
Uh, hello.
Oh, Bible study group?
Yes, well, it is possible she joined today
in response to what happened last night.
Regardless, your phone was not on the table.
Well, just, uh, ask the girl who lives there where it is.
Any way you can narrow that down?
Brownish hair, smiley,
and a big fan of the Russell muscle.
Goodbye.
Wait, no, her name, seriously,
was, like...
Stacy. Tracy.
Lacey. I think.
Stacy? Tracy?
Lacey? Oh, brilliant.
[GROANS]
I have a feeling I'm forgetting something.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Oh, this is such a lovely apartment.
I really must compliment whoever lives here.
Oh, well, thank you. That would be me.
Oh, great, I'm Timmy. I'm Meghan.
Meghan. Not even close.
Excuse me? Nothing.
Real pleasure meeting you.
Now, look, this is a somewhat delicate matter,
but one I feel we can handle most discreetly.
See, it does seem as though--
Hey, sweetie. I'm sorry I'm late.
Hi, honey. Timmy, this is Miles, my fiancé.
Your fiancé.
Yes, we just got engaged last week.
Just last week.
Wow.
It just keeps getting better.
You wanted to see me, Jeff?
Yes. Oh, well, good.
I wanted to see you too.
Yes, about that.
I think we had a little misunderstanding
earlier today with the, uh, Zamboni hair and whatnot,
and I just wanted to make it perfectly clear--
Hey, Jeff. Oh, Audrey. Jeez.
Hey. Mwah.
Hello. Hi.
Hi. I'm Audrey, Jeff's wife.
Sasha. I work down the hall.
Way down the hall,
so we don't see much of each other.
AUDREY: Okay, so you ready to go?
Yes, ready to go. Okay.
Uh, where?
I texted you. The doctor.
Yes, doctor. Fertility doctor.
Hm. Gonna make a baby with my wife.
Oh, wow. Congratulations.
Thank you. It's nice to meet you.
I'm gonna use the ladies' room. I'll go.
I-I got this one.
I'm sure you'll be fine.
[LAUGHING] I'll meet you at the elevator.
And there she goes. My wife.
Married her at a wedding.
Well, so, you know.
I do know. Good.
Almost getting caught
makes it even hotter.
Call me.
[SIGHS]
Damn you, calves and quads.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
JENNIFER: Oh, hold it!
Hey. Hey.
How was your appointment?
It was good. Good. The doctor was really optimistic.
Great. Yeah. I'm excited,
although the whole thing is scary.
Yeah, like, what if the baby has a really big head like Jeff?
Why is that scary?
Well...you know.
Oh.
Goodbye, natural childbirth.
Anyway, you and Adam finally set a date.
You must be so excited.
We're both really psyched.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
I tried to tell you this in person.
"Perseverance"?
No! Stop finishing my words for me.
"Person.
"But I don't want this to happen ever.
"Let's just forget it and never mention it again.
Jeff."
Send.
[SIGHS]
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
[RINGING]
Uh, hello.
TIMMY [OVER SPEAKER]: Sir, I need you to call your phone so I can locate it.
I've tried, but it goes straight to voicemail.
Oh, yeah, sometimes I block your number,
because I get tired of the "guvnor"
and the "blimey" and the "shrimp on the barbie" routine.
I'm from South Africa.
Just call your phone!
[DOOR OPENS]
Oh, hey, man. I gotta talk to you.
I am-- I am freaking out here.
I was thinking about what you said
about me and Jen, right? And-- And you're still single--
Oh, hold that thought. Me first.
I just have to call my cell so Timmy can find it.
Because I had a little rendezvous last night
with a little chicky.
I don't remember her name, but that's not important.
Anyway, I snuck out of there this morning,
and the light of day was not her friend.
It was ra-ra-rough.
Regardless, I left my phone there,
Which is a drag, because there's a number in there
of this chick that got booted out of Vassar
for binge-drinking.
Dude, this is the kind of stuff you're giving up.
So even though it's an obvious choice,
John 3:16 is the passage
by which I've chosen to live my life.
[WOMEN SIGH]
MAN: Amen, brother. Amen.
Okay, Timmy, you're up.
Hm.
My ears are a bit off. Did anyone hear a phone ring?
ALL: No.
No, I didn't hear a thing.
I feel like I'm forgetting something.
Very well.
Oh...
Well, uh, to be honest, this is a bit tricky
because Terry took mine.
[ALL LAUGH]
The bit where God creates the Earth is good.
Six days, well done.
And, um, Adam and Eve.
What can we say about those nudists?
Saucy.
And, um...
Uh...
♪♪ Silent night ♪♪
♪♪ Holy night ♪♪
[IN FALSETTO VOICE] ♪♪ All is calm ♪♪
Timmy? Yes?
What are you doing?
All right,
the truth is,
my boss left his cell phone here last night,
and he sent me to retrieve it.
Wait, you had a man here last night?
Well...
Well, yes, I did, but--
You Jezebel.
No, Miles, I am just a woman with needs.
We made a promise. [PHONE RINGS]
My fingers were crossed. Obviously your legs weren't.
As always, perfect timing, sir.
Pleasure meeting you all, really.
Lovely. And, um,
congratulations again on your engagement,
if that's still, uh...
Good night.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Hey, hon.
How could you?
How could I what?
A text?
You tell me in a text?
I don't know what you're talking--
You don't wanna have a baby? What? Who said that?
You did.
"I don't want this to happen ever.
Let's just forget it and never mention it again. Jeff"
Oh, no. No, no, no, no!
That was a mistake.
Yes. Yes, it was.
Come on, you couldn't have had the guts
just to tell me to my face?
No, you don't understand.
That text was meant for somebody else.
It was? Yes.
Yes, you know how bad I am at texting.
It's--
It's these damn giant gorilla paws!
So you do want to have a baby? Yes. Of course.
I'm totally into having a baby.
Even two, if the first one doesn't ruin our lives.
Really?
Yes, really.
Oh!
[LAUGHS] [SIGHS]
Feel better? Yeah.
Yeah? [SNIFFLES]
Good.
That was rough.
[LAUGHS]
I need a beer.
So who was that text supposed to go to?
That's a whole nother story.
And, uh, I wanna tell you.
But first...
Ah.
You're gonna laugh.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
What are those?
Our save-the-date cards.
You know, what's missing on these?
Stamps.
Yes.
But that's okay.
We'll try again tomorrow with...?
Stamps.
You know what this means.
Ah. No, what?
You're still on death row,
and the date has been set.
But what's this?
The phone rings.
Who could it be?
Oh, my God, it's the governor.
What does he want?
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]