1
00:00:01,501 --> 00:00:04,046
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

2
00:00:04,046 --> 00:00:05,838
[KNOCKING]

3
00:00:06,048 --> 00:00:09,634
AUDREY:
Jeff, can you get that?

4
00:00:12,095 --> 00:00:12,679
Hey.
Hey, bro.

5
00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:15,598
Can I borrow your inflatable
mattress for my mom's visit?

6
00:00:15,598 --> 00:00:17,017
Yeah, sure,
it's in the hall closet.

7
00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:19,561
Actually I'm running
to the airport to get her.

8
00:00:19,561 --> 00:00:21,813
Can you-- Can you
bring it over?

9
00:00:23,940 --> 00:00:27,860
I'm sorry, did we get married
when I wasn't looking?

10
00:00:27,860 --> 00:00:29,321
It's just that,
you know,

11
00:00:29,321 --> 00:00:31,073
Jen's meeting my mom
for the first time.

12
00:00:31,073 --> 00:00:33,616
It's-- It's
pretty exciting.

13
00:00:33,616 --> 00:00:34,076
How so?

14
00:00:34,076 --> 00:00:37,620
Well, I just think she's lucky
she's not getting one of those

15
00:00:37,620 --> 00:00:38,955
meddling mother-in-laws.

16
00:00:38,955 --> 00:00:42,292
I mean...my mom's really cool.

17
00:00:42,542 --> 00:00:45,795
I'm, uh, sure
it'll go smoothly.

18
00:00:45,795 --> 00:00:47,130
I'll bring the bed over.

19
00:00:47,130 --> 00:00:49,424
Ah. Hey, thanks.

20
00:00:50,842 --> 00:00:54,721
[IMITATING ADAM]
"My mom's really cool."
[LOCKS]

21
00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:57,599
Kid's priceless.

22
00:00:59,434 --> 00:01:02,312
Hey, the TV's not working.
Did you touch the remote?

23
00:01:02,312 --> 00:01:06,483
Not since I saw you
scratching yourself with it.

24
00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:06,941
Oh.

25
00:01:06,941 --> 00:01:10,487
Check the bedroom TV,
I'll call the satellite company.

26
00:01:10,487 --> 00:01:12,029
Let's go.

27
00:01:16,493 --> 00:01:17,494
Oh, great, a recording.

28
00:01:17,494 --> 00:01:21,373
AUDREY:
Bedroom's not
working either.

29
00:01:21,373 --> 00:01:23,083
"Technical difficulties"?

30
00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:25,668
What did I call, the 1960s?

31
00:01:26,043 --> 00:01:28,338
How hard can it be
to keep a satellite

32
00:01:28,338 --> 00:01:30,132
in geosynchronous orbit
with the Earth

33
00:01:30,132 --> 00:01:33,760
to receive and send images
to a dish outside of our window?

34
00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:37,555
[MOCKING]
I mean...that's
so difficult.

35
00:01:37,555 --> 00:01:39,974
Honey. There are
plenty of other things

36
00:01:39,974 --> 00:01:42,310
we can do
besides watch TV.

37
00:01:43,561 --> 00:01:45,021
All right, maybe...

38
00:01:45,021 --> 00:01:46,814
"plenty" was a reach.

39
00:01:47,190 --> 00:01:50,318
This is like an episode
of The Twilight Zone,

40
00:01:50,318 --> 00:01:53,113
a show I wish I could
watch right now.

41
00:01:54,030 --> 00:01:54,447
DVD?

42
00:01:54,447 --> 00:01:58,243
I am not watching
Braveheart again.

43
00:01:58,493 --> 00:02:00,995
How about we have
a little conversation?

44
00:02:00,995 --> 00:02:03,706
Sure.

45
00:02:07,043 --> 00:02:09,379
[SIGHS]

46
00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:12,006
[SIGHS]

47
00:02:12,465 --> 00:02:14,717
My favorite part
is when Mel Gibson

48
00:02:14,717 --> 00:02:17,429
keeps yelling "freedom."

49
00:02:18,346 --> 00:02:20,097
[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]

50
00:02:20,097 --> 00:02:24,727
♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you?" ♪♪

51
00:02:25,187 --> 00:02:29,941
♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪

52
00:02:29,941 --> 00:02:32,610
♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪

53
00:02:32,610 --> 00:02:34,862
♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪

54
00:02:34,862 --> 00:02:39,201
♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪

55
00:02:41,203 --> 00:02:43,996
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

56
00:02:43,996 --> 00:02:46,374
[KNOCKING]

57
00:02:47,584 --> 00:02:48,210
Hey, guys.
Hey.

58
00:02:48,210 --> 00:02:52,380
We brought the inflatable bed.
Yes, we brought it.

59
00:02:52,380 --> 00:02:53,381
Thanks.

60
00:02:53,381 --> 00:02:54,216
Just put it back there.

61
00:02:54,216 --> 00:02:57,344
Hey...you guys
have old-timey cable,

62
00:02:57,344 --> 00:02:58,845
not satellite, right?

63
00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:00,263
Yeah.

64
00:03:00,263 --> 00:03:02,599
Oh, thank you.

65
00:03:02,890 --> 00:03:05,310
So you nervous about
meeting Adam's mom?

66
00:03:05,310 --> 00:03:08,062
No, Fay and I have talked on
the phone. She's really nice.

67
00:03:08,062 --> 00:03:10,398
Oh, yeah. All mothers-in-law
seem that way.

68
00:03:10,398 --> 00:03:11,566
Then you meet 'em face to face,

69
00:03:11,566 --> 00:03:15,069
and it's showdown
at My Little Boy Corral.

70
00:03:15,069 --> 00:03:17,572
There's an oldie
but goody.

71
00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:19,031
[CHUCKLES]

72
00:03:19,031 --> 00:03:20,658
After growing up
with four brothers,

73
00:03:20,658 --> 00:03:22,577
it'll be great to have
a female in the family.

74
00:03:22,577 --> 00:03:24,621
I'm so excited to do
girl stuff, like go shopping

75
00:03:24,621 --> 00:03:26,873
and talk about the wedding.
Oh, great idea. Yeah.

76
00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:30,377
Let her hijack the wedding
before the date's even set.

77
00:03:30,377 --> 00:03:32,086
She didn't hijack--

78
00:03:33,463 --> 00:03:35,465
Nothing.

79
00:03:35,465 --> 00:03:38,050
Fay's not like that.
She lives in Sedona,

80
00:03:38,050 --> 00:03:39,594
she's new-agey and creative.

81
00:03:39,594 --> 00:03:41,763
I bet she'll have
some really cool ideas.

82
00:03:41,763 --> 00:03:42,764
Still gave birth to Adam. Yeah.

83
00:03:42,764 --> 00:03:44,599
She's gonna be judging
everything you do.

84
00:03:44,599 --> 00:03:47,310
And trust me,
nothing will ever be right.

85
00:03:47,310 --> 00:03:51,063
Well, it's great that it
doesn't still bother you.

86
00:03:51,063 --> 00:03:53,483
Hey.
We're here.

87
00:03:53,483 --> 00:03:54,150
Jen, this is my mom.

88
00:03:54,150 --> 00:03:58,280
It's so nice to meet you, Fay.
Oh, yes, yes, yes,

89
00:03:58,280 --> 00:03:59,447
yes, yes! Oh.

90
00:03:59,447 --> 00:04:01,491
Oh. Man, I wish
I had a camera.

91
00:04:01,491 --> 00:04:02,325
We have a camera.

92
00:04:02,325 --> 00:04:04,744
Yeah. I wish I hadn't
broken the camera.

93
00:04:04,744 --> 00:04:07,955
Uh, hey, Mom. These are
our friends from down the hall.

94
00:04:07,955 --> 00:04:09,416
That's, uh,
Audrey and Jeff.

95
00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:11,876
Hi, it's so nice to meet you.
Audrey!

96
00:04:11,876 --> 00:04:14,921
Okay,
we're...doing this.

97
00:04:14,921 --> 00:04:16,339
Hi.

98
00:04:16,339 --> 00:04:17,131
And Jeff.

99
00:04:17,131 --> 00:04:20,343
Easy, lady.
Ah.

100
00:04:20,343 --> 00:04:21,428
Okay.

101
00:04:21,428 --> 00:04:23,805
It is so nice
to meet all of you.

102
00:04:23,805 --> 00:04:27,141
And Jen, Adam's father
really wanted to come,

103
00:04:27,141 --> 00:04:30,645
but he's on the second day
of his colon cleanse.

104
00:04:30,812 --> 00:04:34,065
And you wouldn't want him
here on day three.

105
00:04:34,065 --> 00:04:37,068
Hey, Mom. Uh, what do you
think about the apartment?

106
00:04:37,068 --> 00:04:38,486
Jen did all the decorating.

107
00:04:38,486 --> 00:04:40,530
Well, it's, uh...

108
00:04:40,530 --> 00:04:42,990
not really
an apartment.

109
00:04:42,990 --> 00:04:44,659
It isn't?

110
00:04:44,659 --> 00:04:46,160
FAY:
No.

111
00:04:46,328 --> 00:04:48,580
What you've created
here is a home.

112
00:04:48,580 --> 00:04:50,707
And Adam has never looked

113
00:04:50,707 --> 00:04:52,709
happier or healthier.

114
00:04:52,709 --> 00:04:54,251
And that's all you.

115
00:04:54,251 --> 00:04:57,171
Oh. Thanks, Fay.

116
00:04:58,715 --> 00:05:00,091
Oh, how was
your flight?

117
00:05:00,091 --> 00:05:01,008
Ugh. Nightmare city.

118
00:05:01,008 --> 00:05:03,803
Heh. At the airport,
the security chick

119
00:05:03,803 --> 00:05:04,596
got real frisky with me.

120
00:05:04,596 --> 00:05:07,432
And, you know, I mean, sure,
I've gone that way,

121
00:05:07,432 --> 00:05:09,434
but get to know me
first, right?

122
00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:10,768
[LAUGHS]

123
00:05:10,768 --> 00:05:14,522
Look at 'em. It's like
they belong together.

124
00:05:14,522 --> 00:05:18,443
Yeah. Like my thumb
and a remote.

125
00:05:19,068 --> 00:05:21,946
Now I'm sad.

126
00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:25,617
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

127
00:05:28,119 --> 00:05:30,121
Hey, man.
How's it going?

128
00:05:30,121 --> 00:05:34,125
Keith Partridge called.
He wants his shirt back.

129
00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:36,961
I got it from your mother.

130
00:05:36,961 --> 00:05:37,629
Hey, watch it.

131
00:05:37,629 --> 00:05:39,464
No, literally,
I got it from your mother.

132
00:05:39,464 --> 00:05:42,049
She gave it to me
as a birthday present.

133
00:05:42,258 --> 00:05:43,259
What is it with you and my mom?

134
00:05:43,259 --> 00:05:46,804
Oh. If I had a dime for every
time I heard that question.

135
00:05:46,804 --> 00:05:48,305
You've only met her
a couple of times,

136
00:05:48,305 --> 00:05:49,974
you act like you've
known her all your life.

137
00:05:49,974 --> 00:05:54,186
I'll lay it on the line.
Fay's the mom I never had.

138
00:05:54,186 --> 00:05:55,813
But you have a mom.

139
00:05:55,813 --> 00:05:58,107
But yours is better.

140
00:05:58,107 --> 00:05:59,942
And she's
so warm and caring,

141
00:05:59,942 --> 00:06:01,152
and she accepts me for who I am.

142
00:06:01,152 --> 00:06:04,614
When I was born,
my mom demanded a DNA test.

143
00:06:04,614 --> 00:06:06,323
Oh, there she is. Fay!

144
00:06:06,323 --> 00:06:09,452
How's my little
"Russell-ing" leaf?

145
00:06:09,452 --> 00:06:10,662
Ah. Oh.

146
00:06:10,662 --> 00:06:11,871
[CLEARS THROAT]

147
00:06:11,871 --> 00:06:12,497
Oh, my shirt.

148
00:06:12,497 --> 00:06:16,083
I wasn't sure if a child's large
would fit, but it does.

149
00:06:16,083 --> 00:06:18,920
Ha-ha. Like a child's
large glove.

150
00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:20,171
Hi, sweetie.
Hey, Mom.

151
00:06:20,171 --> 00:06:22,882
Hey, how was the rally?
Oh, fantastic.

152
00:06:22,882 --> 00:06:24,175
Climate change
is pushing

153
00:06:24,175 --> 00:06:25,342
the polar bear
towards extinction.

154
00:06:25,342 --> 00:06:28,345
Ooh, really? I did not hear
that on Entertainment Tonight.

155
00:06:28,345 --> 00:06:31,766
Yeah. And who'll help
the polar bears if we don't?

156
00:06:31,766 --> 00:06:32,850
Oh. Not the black bear.

157
00:06:32,850 --> 00:06:35,895
They're all, like,
"Yo, take that, whitey."

158
00:06:36,521 --> 00:06:39,566
Oh, and I met some really,
really interesting people,

159
00:06:39,566 --> 00:06:40,483
who invited me to join them

160
00:06:40,483 --> 00:06:42,860
at a spontaneous
public art project.

161
00:06:42,860 --> 00:06:44,862
RUSSELL: Ooh.
Well, would you like to join me?

162
00:06:44,862 --> 00:06:46,823
Oh, I'd-- I'd love to,
but we have to work.

163
00:06:46,823 --> 00:06:49,033
You mean you have to work,
Mr. Corporate Sellout.

164
00:06:49,033 --> 00:06:52,203
Yeah, we work together.
Ah, yeah, I'm gonna need you

165
00:06:52,203 --> 00:06:53,621
to stay late
and pick up my slack.

166
00:06:53,621 --> 00:06:56,833
Hey, I found someone
to cover for me. I can go.

167
00:06:56,833 --> 00:06:59,043
Oh, good.

168
00:06:59,043 --> 00:07:00,169
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

169
00:07:00,169 --> 00:07:02,714
Hey, I just thought of
another one. Magnum P.I.

170
00:07:02,714 --> 00:07:04,674
Yeah. Yeah,
that was a good show.

171
00:07:04,674 --> 00:07:08,302
Good stories, good scenery,
good mustache.

172
00:07:08,302 --> 00:07:09,554
[CHUCKLING]

173
00:07:09,554 --> 00:07:13,516
It's fun thinking of TV shows
that are good.

174
00:07:14,058 --> 00:07:15,560
But now I'm gonna
go count how many

175
00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:17,895
plastic containers
we have in the kitchen.

176
00:07:17,895 --> 00:07:20,732
Fourteen.
But only nine lids.

177
00:07:21,398 --> 00:07:22,233
What's up with that?

178
00:07:22,233 --> 00:07:24,486
Come on. There's gotta be
something interesting

179
00:07:24,486 --> 00:07:26,278
we can do that
doesn't involve TV.

180
00:07:26,278 --> 00:07:28,615
Well, you know,
we could play Monopoly.

181
00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:31,117
[LAUGHS]
Oh, Monopoly? No way.

182
00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:33,077
You take it way too seriously.

183
00:07:33,077 --> 00:07:34,496
it's just not fun
for me.

184
00:07:34,496 --> 00:07:36,247
Well, you know,
it's not fun for me

185
00:07:36,247 --> 00:07:40,126
to always have to watch you
being a sore loser.

186
00:07:40,126 --> 00:07:42,086
Oh, all right.
You're on.

187
00:07:42,086 --> 00:07:45,381
And this time the little shoe
is gonna kick the thimble's ass.

188
00:07:45,381 --> 00:07:48,843
I'm not sure the thimble
has an ass, but...

189
00:07:48,843 --> 00:07:51,303
Let's do this.

190
00:07:51,303 --> 00:07:53,264
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

191
00:07:53,264 --> 00:07:56,934
Ah. Pennsylvania
Avenue...

192
00:07:56,934 --> 00:08:00,229
home of Jeff's Hotel and Spa...

193
00:08:00,229 --> 00:08:03,483
a wholly-owned subsidiary
of Jeff Co.

194
00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:05,860
Just tell me
how much.

195
00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:09,363
Can you really
put a price on luxury?

196
00:08:10,364 --> 00:08:11,574
How much?

197
00:08:11,574 --> 00:08:14,577
Well...$1400.

198
00:08:14,577 --> 00:08:16,287
Well, I only have 1200.

199
00:08:16,287 --> 00:08:17,288
Love to let
you slide,

200
00:08:17,288 --> 00:08:20,875
but corporate's been
riding me about comps.

201
00:08:23,127 --> 00:08:25,379
But, you know,
I'd say that, uh,

202
00:08:25,379 --> 00:08:28,591
shirt and bra are worth
the 200.

203
00:08:31,218 --> 00:08:32,136
I don't think so.

204
00:08:32,136 --> 00:08:34,639
But I do think
it was kind of dumb of you

205
00:08:34,639 --> 00:08:37,684
not to get earthquake insurance
for your properties.

206
00:08:37,684 --> 00:08:38,643
Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

207
00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:39,310
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.

208
00:08:39,310 --> 00:08:42,564
Looks like it's
gonna be a big one.
Okay.

209
00:08:42,564 --> 00:08:43,981
[SCREAMS]

210
00:08:46,442 --> 00:08:48,027
Now it's fun.

211
00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:51,698
Four hundred bucks.

212
00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:54,784
Four hundred bucks
for the shirt and the bra.

213
00:08:54,784 --> 00:08:56,619
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

214
00:08:56,619 --> 00:08:59,622
Oh, here's a film
I've been dying to see.

215
00:08:59,622 --> 00:09:02,542
Oh, great. Hey, let's--
Let's all go tonight.

216
00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:04,460
Me and my two
most special ladies,

217
00:09:04,460 --> 00:09:05,628
out for a night on the town.

218
00:09:05,628 --> 00:09:07,004
Sounds fun.
Let's do it.

219
00:09:07,004 --> 00:09:08,255
Okay, I'll just
take a quick shower,

220
00:09:08,255 --> 00:09:11,258
and then I'll be ready
to split. Okay.

221
00:09:11,258 --> 00:09:12,552
"Split?"

222
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,804
Far out, man.
[CHUCKLES]

223
00:09:15,304 --> 00:09:16,556
Isn't she great?

224
00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:19,308
She is a trip.
I knew you'd love her.

225
00:09:19,308 --> 00:09:22,478
FAY:
Oh. Where's my head at?

226
00:09:25,064 --> 00:09:26,608
Oh, don't mind me.

227
00:09:26,608 --> 00:09:27,817
I just forgot

228
00:09:27,817 --> 00:09:29,318
my loofa...

229
00:09:29,318 --> 00:09:31,654
and my kelp shampoo.

230
00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:35,366
Oh! Here they are.

231
00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:38,661
Yup. There they are.

232
00:09:38,661 --> 00:09:40,580
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

233
00:09:43,457 --> 00:09:45,918
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

234
00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:48,880
That was nice.

235
00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:50,381
Solid outing, honey.

236
00:09:50,381 --> 00:09:51,007
[GIGGLING]

237
00:09:51,007 --> 00:09:54,093
See? Life without TV
isn't so bad.

238
00:09:54,093 --> 00:09:57,179
We got back from work,
we ate dinner, talked,

239
00:09:57,179 --> 00:09:59,140
played a game,
and we had sex.

240
00:09:59,140 --> 00:10:01,308
Oh, what time is it?

241
00:10:01,308 --> 00:10:03,060
Ten after 7.

242
00:10:03,060 --> 00:10:03,519
[SIGHS]

243
00:10:03,519 --> 00:10:07,356
Trebek's wrapping up
the first round on Jeopardy.

244
00:10:07,356 --> 00:10:09,150
What is...

245
00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:11,068
this blows?

246
00:10:11,068 --> 00:10:12,528
[PHONE RINGS]
I'll get it.

247
00:10:12,528 --> 00:10:14,530
No, let me get it.
I'll get it.

248
00:10:14,530 --> 00:10:16,658
Hello?
Is it the satellite company?

249
00:10:16,658 --> 00:10:17,324
It's Jennifer.

250
00:10:17,324 --> 00:10:19,535
Jennifer from
the satellite company?

251
00:10:19,535 --> 00:10:21,245
From down the hall.
[GROANS]

252
00:10:21,245 --> 00:10:24,206
Ask her what's going on
in the outside world.

253
00:10:24,206 --> 00:10:26,626
Has the country
gone metric yet?

254
00:10:27,501 --> 00:10:28,377
What?

255
00:10:28,377 --> 00:10:30,129
No, it hasn't.

256
00:10:30,129 --> 00:10:32,506
Still not metric.
Ha.

257
00:10:32,506 --> 00:10:35,509
Suck on that, Europe.

258
00:10:35,509 --> 00:10:35,968
Anyway,

259
00:10:35,968 --> 00:10:38,345
Fay's not judging me, but
she's kind of weird.

260
00:10:38,345 --> 00:10:41,057
She thinks it's okay
to walk around the apartment

261
00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:42,516
naked in front of us.

262
00:10:42,516 --> 00:10:45,394
Really? Naked?

263
00:10:45,394 --> 00:10:47,354
How's her body?

264
00:10:48,439 --> 00:10:49,565
Smokin'.

265
00:10:49,565 --> 00:10:51,734
But Adam didn't even flinch,
so, you know,

266
00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:54,570
I don't know if I'm
overreacting, or if, uh--

267
00:10:54,570 --> 00:10:57,531
Oh, I gotta go.
Okay, bye.

268
00:10:57,531 --> 00:10:58,700
Hey.
Hey.

269
00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:00,827
Wow. Prime location.

270
00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:02,328
It's a documentary
about Che Guevara.

271
00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:05,581
I didn't exactly have to
put a sweater over a seat.

272
00:11:05,748 --> 00:11:06,708
Where's your mom
and Russell?

273
00:11:06,708 --> 00:11:09,251
Still getting popcorn.
Mom's talking to the manager

274
00:11:09,251 --> 00:11:10,712
about the trans fat
in the butter.

275
00:11:10,712 --> 00:11:12,421
Well, I hope
she doesn't see my nachos.

276
00:11:12,421 --> 00:11:14,924
The ingredients are
"chemical" and "yellow."

277
00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:16,092
[BOTH CHUCKLE]

278
00:11:16,092 --> 00:11:17,509
Come here.

279
00:11:18,177 --> 00:11:20,763
Oh. Oh.
What?

280
00:11:20,763 --> 00:11:24,683
Oh. You're a little,
you know, B.O.-y.

281
00:11:24,683 --> 00:11:25,434
Did you use deodorant?

282
00:11:25,434 --> 00:11:28,270
Oh, yeah, I used this, uh,
natural stuff Mom gave me.

283
00:11:28,270 --> 00:11:30,564
Do you know there's aluminum
in the kind we use?

284
00:11:30,564 --> 00:11:33,109
Yeah, I believe it acts
as a stink shield.

285
00:11:33,109 --> 00:11:36,028
Well, this deodorant is
better for the world.

286
00:11:36,028 --> 00:11:38,823
Not the world
downwind of you.

287
00:11:39,115 --> 00:11:41,158
So you don't really
think it's weird

288
00:11:41,158 --> 00:11:42,451
that your mom
walks around naked?

289
00:11:42,451 --> 00:11:44,954
No, not at all. I mean,
it's how I grew up.

290
00:11:44,954 --> 00:11:46,831
Everyone comes
into the world naked.

291
00:11:46,831 --> 00:11:49,917
Yes. And then
we go to Macy's.

292
00:11:49,917 --> 00:11:52,461
Oh. The manager
ignored me.

293
00:11:52,461 --> 00:11:56,007
I only wish I could show him
pictures of people's arteries

294
00:11:56,007 --> 00:11:57,967
after they eat
that popcorn.

295
00:11:57,967 --> 00:12:00,803
I didn't get
any popcorn.

296
00:12:01,387 --> 00:12:03,973
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

297
00:12:19,196 --> 00:12:21,783
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

298
00:12:22,950 --> 00:12:24,035
So, Fay,
I thought tomorrow

299
00:12:24,035 --> 00:12:27,038
we could head out for our big
fun day of shopping around 11?

300
00:12:27,038 --> 00:12:30,082
Oh, man, I--
I totally spaced.

301
00:12:30,082 --> 00:12:32,709
I-- I know we made
plans but...

302
00:12:32,709 --> 00:12:33,460
I can't go.

303
00:12:33,460 --> 00:12:36,713
I got really involved
with this art project.

304
00:12:36,713 --> 00:12:37,882
Oh, that's too bad.

305
00:12:37,882 --> 00:12:39,842
I wanted to show you
some wedding things.

306
00:12:39,842 --> 00:12:43,429
Oh, honey. You and Adam don't
have a date set yet, do you?

307
00:12:43,429 --> 00:12:45,472
No, but don't worry.
When we do set one,

308
00:12:45,472 --> 00:12:48,392
I'm really excited to have you
involved in all the planning.

309
00:12:48,392 --> 00:12:50,144
Well, you guys
are so great together.

310
00:12:50,144 --> 00:12:52,229
To be really honest,
I'm totally cool

311
00:12:52,229 --> 00:12:54,899
if you don't ever
get married.

312
00:12:55,649 --> 00:12:56,733
Huh?

313
00:12:56,733 --> 00:12:58,777
I mean, you guys are already
living together.

314
00:12:58,777 --> 00:13:01,405
You don't need
government permission.

315
00:13:01,405 --> 00:13:02,073
I mean, who--

316
00:13:02,073 --> 00:13:05,159
Who needs a piece
of paper to prove anything?

317
00:13:05,868 --> 00:13:07,119
I kind of do.

318
00:13:07,119 --> 00:13:10,456
And...I thought Adam did.

319
00:13:10,456 --> 00:13:11,748
I mean,
no disrespect to you,

320
00:13:11,748 --> 00:13:13,000
I know you and Shep
never got married.

321
00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:17,004
That's true, but we had
a wonderful Navajo ceremony.

322
00:13:17,004 --> 00:13:20,424
Oh, I thought that picture
of you in the squaw outfit

323
00:13:20,424 --> 00:13:21,175
was from a carnival.

324
00:13:21,175 --> 00:13:24,971
Mm, with the peyote,
it sure felt like it.

325
00:13:25,346 --> 00:13:27,598
All right. Got you all
set up in our bedroom.

326
00:13:27,598 --> 00:13:28,682
Oh, thanks, baby.
Mm-hm.

327
00:13:28,682 --> 00:13:31,018
I-I think I'm gonna
crash now.

328
00:13:31,018 --> 00:13:33,729
Good night, Mom.
Good night. Oh.

329
00:13:33,729 --> 00:13:35,481
And I know
it's a small apartment

330
00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:36,815
and sound really carries,

331
00:13:36,815 --> 00:13:39,735
but...feel free
to make love.

332
00:13:40,527 --> 00:13:42,654
It won't bother me
at all.

333
00:13:42,654 --> 00:13:45,366
I was at Woodstock.

334
00:13:46,408 --> 00:13:48,535
You heard
the woman. Come on.

335
00:13:48,535 --> 00:13:49,954
Yes, I did. And eww!
[BABBLING]

336
00:13:49,954 --> 00:13:52,999
I am not doing it with your mom
in the next room listening.

337
00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:53,875
FAY:
Oh, and if you want,

338
00:13:53,875 --> 00:13:57,461
there's a book on tantric sex
in my carryon.

339
00:13:58,212 --> 00:13:59,505
Tantric sex?

340
00:13:59,505 --> 00:14:00,882
It's okay, Mom.
We're good.

341
00:14:00,882 --> 00:14:03,300
No, we're not good.
We're freaking out.

342
00:14:03,300 --> 00:14:05,552
Shh! Oh, go outside.

343
00:14:05,552 --> 00:14:07,096
God.

344
00:14:09,390 --> 00:14:11,350
Hey. Why are you
being so uptight?

345
00:14:11,350 --> 00:14:12,101
You need to mellow out.

346
00:14:12,101 --> 00:14:15,229
Oh, I'll "mellow out" once Nixon
gets our troops out of Nam

347
00:14:15,229 --> 00:14:17,899
and I spark up a doobie.

348
00:14:18,399 --> 00:14:19,901
Why are you making fun
of my mother?

349
00:14:19,901 --> 00:14:21,568
Hey. I have been
very patient with her,

350
00:14:21,568 --> 00:14:23,779
but you have to admit,
she's a little bit kooky.

351
00:14:23,779 --> 00:14:26,407
She's not kooky.
She's passionate.

352
00:14:26,407 --> 00:14:27,909
Not about waxing.

353
00:14:27,909 --> 00:14:29,368
Okay, forget the fact
that she backed out

354
00:14:29,368 --> 00:14:31,703
of our shopping plans,
and she's practically a nudist.

355
00:14:31,703 --> 00:14:34,456
She just told me she doesn't
think we need to get married.

356
00:14:34,456 --> 00:14:36,250
She thinks it's just
a piece of paper.

357
00:14:36,250 --> 00:14:38,585
Well, technically,
she's right.

358
00:14:38,585 --> 00:14:40,754
Oh. So that's
what you think too?

359
00:14:40,754 --> 00:14:42,089
Now you agree
with Mother Nature?

360
00:14:42,089 --> 00:14:44,216
Oh, yeah, like
your family's such a treat.

361
00:14:44,216 --> 00:14:45,259
My family? At least my family

362
00:14:45,259 --> 00:14:48,095
has a God-fearing love
and respect for clothing!

363
00:14:48,095 --> 00:14:50,597
Shh! Down the hall.

364
00:14:50,597 --> 00:14:52,391
See that? Couple
days without TV,

365
00:14:52,391 --> 00:14:54,726
we've put together
our honeymoon photo album.

366
00:14:54,726 --> 00:14:56,645
Something we've been
meaning to do

367
00:14:56,645 --> 00:14:58,855
for 13 years.

368
00:14:59,273 --> 00:15:03,402
More you than me, but it's fun
to see the old mullet again.

369
00:15:04,778 --> 00:15:06,780
ADAM:
We used to all sleep
in the same bed,

370
00:15:06,780 --> 00:15:07,949
because we didn't have
any hang-ups.

371
00:15:07,949 --> 00:15:10,242
JENNIFER:
Hang-ups are good.
I was raised with a dose

372
00:15:10,242 --> 00:15:13,120
of shame and guilt, and all
that other good Catholic stuff.

373
00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:14,871
Adam and Jennifer
are having a huge fight

374
00:15:14,871 --> 00:15:17,291
right outside our door.
Oh, this is juicy.

375
00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:20,377
What about your mother and you
snuggling in the theater?

376
00:15:20,377 --> 00:15:21,128
What's wrong with that?

377
00:15:21,128 --> 00:15:23,755
Nothing, in the hills
of West Virginia.

378
00:15:24,423 --> 00:15:25,716
Oh, snap.

379
00:15:25,716 --> 00:15:28,177
What about your four
animal brothers wrasslin'

380
00:15:28,177 --> 00:15:29,470
after dinner
in the living room?

381
00:15:29,470 --> 00:15:30,887
They were having good,
clean fun.

382
00:15:30,887 --> 00:15:33,640
When they pulled you in,
almost gave you a concussion?

383
00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:34,475
I don't remember that.

384
00:15:34,475 --> 00:15:38,312
What about your family opening
Christmas presents a week early?

385
00:15:38,312 --> 00:15:39,813
Oh. We did that to
stick it to the Man.

386
00:15:39,813 --> 00:15:42,608
The Man? Who's
the Man? Santa?

387
00:15:43,817 --> 00:15:45,987
This is my new
favorite show.

388
00:15:45,987 --> 00:15:47,321
Oh, God.

389
00:15:47,321 --> 00:15:49,823
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

390
00:15:50,992 --> 00:15:52,952
I am really psyched
about this.

391
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:55,079
You know, it's one thing
to look at art,

392
00:15:55,079 --> 00:15:58,749
but it's a whole
other trip to be art.
Ha-ha.

393
00:15:58,749 --> 00:16:00,126
Actually, my mother is art.

394
00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:04,421
Her face was sculpted
by a plastic surgeon.

395
00:16:04,421 --> 00:16:05,422
[CHUCKLES]

396
00:16:05,422 --> 00:16:07,508
True story.

397
00:16:07,508 --> 00:16:08,675
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

398
00:16:08,675 --> 00:16:09,926
And I really tried.

399
00:16:09,926 --> 00:16:12,513
I wanted to go shopping,
she made other plans.

400
00:16:12,513 --> 00:16:13,389
I wanted manicures,

401
00:16:13,389 --> 00:16:15,682
she wouldn't because
of the chemicals.

402
00:16:15,682 --> 00:16:17,226
She only eats
gluten-free foods,

403
00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:18,978
and I don't know
what gluten is.

404
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:20,937
But I know I love it.

405
00:16:20,937 --> 00:16:23,482
Well, she certainly
is different.

406
00:16:23,482 --> 00:16:24,108
I know, right?

407
00:16:24,108 --> 00:16:26,986
No. I was not backing
you up there, sweetie.

408
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:28,612
I mean, to her,
you're different.

409
00:16:28,612 --> 00:16:31,365
The only thing is,
she's not judging you.

410
00:16:31,365 --> 00:16:32,449
All right, I get it.

411
00:16:32,449 --> 00:16:35,077
But she doesn't even care
if Adam and I get married.

412
00:16:35,077 --> 00:16:37,371
She'd be fine if
we lived together forever.

413
00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:39,540
That doesn't mean
that's what Adam thinks.

414
00:16:39,540 --> 00:16:42,293
Look, this woman is gonna be
your mother-in-law.

415
00:16:42,293 --> 00:16:44,836
You are gonna
have to deal with it.

416
00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:46,880
You're right.
And trust me,

417
00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:48,882
I would trade her
for mine any day.

418
00:16:48,882 --> 00:16:51,885
My mother-in-law treats
Jeff's father like a king,

419
00:16:51,885 --> 00:16:56,140
which, hm, gives Jeff some
pretty hilarious expectations.

420
00:16:56,140 --> 00:16:57,183
[CHUCKLES]

421
00:16:57,183 --> 00:16:58,767
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

422
00:16:58,767 --> 00:16:59,768
I just-- I just
don't get it.

423
00:16:59,768 --> 00:17:02,979
I mean, growing up, all
my friends loved my mother.

424
00:17:02,979 --> 00:17:03,814
Oh, imagine that.

425
00:17:03,814 --> 00:17:07,276
Teenage boys
loving a naked woman.

426
00:17:07,651 --> 00:17:08,902
Yeah, but my mom's so nice.

427
00:17:08,902 --> 00:17:11,655
And I can't believe everything
about her bugs Jennifer.

428
00:17:11,655 --> 00:17:15,201
I've been married for 13 years,
I minored in psychology,

429
00:17:15,201 --> 00:17:16,910
let me explain why.

430
00:17:17,536 --> 00:17:20,706
Your mom is cuckoo
for Cocoa Puffs.

431
00:17:20,706 --> 00:17:21,540
What?

432
00:17:21,540 --> 00:17:24,168
Seems like a nice lady
and all, but come on.

433
00:17:24,168 --> 00:17:26,670
Crystals?
Burning sage in the lobby?

434
00:17:26,670 --> 00:17:28,172
[OPENS VELCRO STRAPS]

435
00:17:28,172 --> 00:17:29,631
Hugging me?

436
00:17:29,631 --> 00:17:31,675
Uh, I see nothing weird
about any of that.

437
00:17:31,675 --> 00:17:33,552
Well, that's because
you were raised

438
00:17:33,552 --> 00:17:36,555
by granola-chompin'
tree people.

439
00:17:36,555 --> 00:17:38,557
Look...you're not alone.

440
00:17:38,557 --> 00:17:41,477
At first Audrey and my mom
didn't get along at all.

441
00:17:41,477 --> 00:17:42,853
Yeah? What'd they
fight about?

442
00:17:42,853 --> 00:17:45,314
Well, my mother
feels that a wife should

443
00:17:45,314 --> 00:17:46,482
devote herself to her husband,

444
00:17:46,482 --> 00:17:48,859
greet him with a martini
when he comes home.

445
00:17:48,859 --> 00:17:50,861
Whereas Audrey...

446
00:17:50,861 --> 00:17:52,863
is wrong.

447
00:17:52,863 --> 00:17:54,365
Do they get along now?

448
00:17:54,365 --> 00:17:55,199
I stay out of it.

449
00:17:55,199 --> 00:17:57,033
The guy who tries
to break up the fight

450
00:17:57,033 --> 00:18:00,746
always ends up with
a knife in his chest.

451
00:18:01,372 --> 00:18:05,167
Everyone's family seems
crazy to an outsider.

452
00:18:05,167 --> 00:18:05,792
I mean...

453
00:18:05,792 --> 00:18:08,420
who opens
their Christmas presents

454
00:18:08,420 --> 00:18:09,255
the week before?

455
00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:10,714
Wait, how do
you know about that?

456
00:18:10,714 --> 00:18:15,136
Last night's episode
of The Adam and Jennifer Show.

457
00:18:15,136 --> 00:18:17,638
The wife and I are big fans.

458
00:18:17,638 --> 00:18:18,389
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

459
00:18:18,389 --> 00:18:20,766
So, w-what's the theme
of this picture?

460
00:18:20,766 --> 00:18:24,019
A-are the overcoats
supposed to symbolize

461
00:18:24,019 --> 00:18:27,063
the...conformity of modern...

462
00:18:27,063 --> 00:18:28,274
something?

463
00:18:28,274 --> 00:18:31,026
Only the artist
knows.

464
00:18:31,026 --> 00:18:31,777
Okay, people.

465
00:18:31,777 --> 00:18:35,030
Let's do this quickly
before security comes.

466
00:18:35,531 --> 00:18:36,907
[CLAPS]
This is so exciting.

467
00:18:36,907 --> 00:18:38,867
You know, I know
we're not related,

468
00:18:38,867 --> 00:18:40,244
but whenever we are together,

469
00:18:40,244 --> 00:18:42,746
it really feels like...
MAN: One, two, three.

470
00:18:42,746 --> 00:18:44,540
...you're my mother.

471
00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:46,167
[SCREAMING]

472
00:18:46,167 --> 00:18:48,377
No! No, no.

473
00:18:48,377 --> 00:18:49,670
Mommy.

474
00:18:49,670 --> 00:18:52,131
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

475
00:18:56,092 --> 00:18:57,803
Hey.
Hey.

476
00:18:58,429 --> 00:18:59,763
I'm sorry.

477
00:18:59,763 --> 00:19:01,473
Hm. Me too.

478
00:19:02,766 --> 00:19:05,394
Oh, you smell good.
What is that?

479
00:19:05,394 --> 00:19:06,895
Aluminum.

480
00:19:06,895 --> 00:19:07,479
Thank you.

481
00:19:07,479 --> 00:19:10,232
So you still wanna get
married with a piece of paper

482
00:19:10,232 --> 00:19:12,609
and clothing and stuff, right?
Yes.

483
00:19:12,609 --> 00:19:14,445
I don't agree with everything
my mom thinks,

484
00:19:14,445 --> 00:19:17,113
but I still love her,
'cause she's my mom.

485
00:19:17,113 --> 00:19:19,115
You know, I should, uh...

486
00:19:19,115 --> 00:19:20,201
be more understanding

487
00:19:20,201 --> 00:19:21,785
and accept her
the way she is.

488
00:19:21,785 --> 00:19:22,869
Oh, she'll grow on you.

489
00:19:22,869 --> 00:19:25,997
Like those mushrooms she used
to keep on the windowsill

490
00:19:25,997 --> 00:19:27,999
and wouldn't
let me eat.

491
00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:30,794
Oh...God.

492
00:19:30,794 --> 00:19:33,088
Now that was
a good ending.

493
00:19:33,088 --> 00:19:36,091
I wonder
what's on next.

494
00:19:36,425 --> 00:19:39,345
Eh, that boring
elevator show.

495
00:19:39,595 --> 00:19:41,805
You know, we should
full on get a telescope.

496
00:19:41,805 --> 00:19:43,432
That high-rise across
the way,

497
00:19:43,432 --> 00:19:46,727
that would be like
100 different stations.

498
00:19:48,019 --> 00:19:50,814
Didn't I tell you we could
have fun without TV?

499
00:19:50,814 --> 00:19:53,817
Yeah. We could've even
made it as a couple

500
00:19:53,817 --> 00:19:55,902
back in the golden age
of radio.

501
00:19:55,902 --> 00:19:56,945
[SCOFFS]

502
00:19:56,945 --> 00:19:59,240
Oh, thank
the good Lord.

503
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:02,993
AUDREY:
So, what do you want to do
the rest of the night?

504
00:20:02,993 --> 00:20:04,035
Well, uh...

505
00:20:04,035 --> 00:20:05,871
satellite's
still out.

506
00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:08,499
So we might
as well have sex.

507
00:20:08,499 --> 00:20:08,999
Oh.

508
00:20:08,999 --> 00:20:11,084
There's gotta be
something else we can do.

509
00:20:11,084 --> 00:20:14,963
Play Monopoly.
Oh, let's go.

510
00:20:14,963 --> 00:20:17,258
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

511
00:20:19,801 --> 00:20:20,552
Oh, hey,
here it is.

512
00:20:20,552 --> 00:20:23,805
REPORTER [ON TV]:
With me is avant-garde
photographer Bruno.

513
00:20:23,805 --> 00:20:26,308
Bruno, what does
your latest work symbolize?

514
00:20:26,308 --> 00:20:28,810
Well, it says so many things.
But I think

515
00:20:28,810 --> 00:20:31,272
what it really
symbolizes is

516
00:20:31,272 --> 00:20:35,776
the conformity
of modern...

517
00:20:36,318 --> 00:20:37,986
something.

518
00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:41,407
I knew that was it!

519
00:20:41,407 --> 00:20:42,491
That's what I said.

520
00:20:42,491 --> 00:20:45,286
Anyway, I don't think
I can look at...

521
00:20:45,286 --> 00:20:46,495
your mom

522
00:20:46,495 --> 00:20:47,496
as my mom anymore.

523
00:20:47,496 --> 00:20:51,333
Oh, just 'cause you saw her
naked, you lost the feelings?

524
00:20:51,333 --> 00:20:54,002
Oh, I still have feelings.

525
00:20:54,795 --> 00:20:56,380
They're just in a...

526
00:20:56,380 --> 00:20:58,173
new category.

527
00:20:59,174 --> 00:21:01,051
Don't. Okay. Do not.

528
00:21:01,051 --> 00:21:04,638
Train's already left
the station, buddy.

529
00:21:05,431 --> 00:21:08,016
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

530
00:21:11,061 --> 00:21:14,523
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]