Coffee to go, please.
Adam?
Oh, hey, guys.
How's it going?
Ah, I'm tired.
I haven't gotten any sleep
since I moved in with Jennifer.
All right. Up top, brother.
No, it's--it's not that.
The problem is her tiny bed.
There's no space. That girl's all knees and elbows.
Get a bigger bed. We've had one for ten years.
We're like boxers.
When we're done mixing it up,
we like to go to our own corners.
And the rounds never last more than three minutes.
If you want more than three minutes,
then be ready more than three minutes before Sports Center.
Or be willing to face that direction.
Hey.
Record Sports Center.
You won't have to rush.
I work better with a deadline.
He does.
Uh, I'll think about that bigger bed thing.
Apple pie for breakfast?
Here's my thinking on that.
You'd be fine if I ordered apple Danish
which is basically flat apple pie.
Good use of your brain.
Oh, whoa.
What?
Hey, Audrey. Magilla.
Russell.
This is my new friend, Dani.
Dani, this is Jeff, Audrey.
Hi, nice to meet you.
- Pleasure's mine. - Hello.
It's okay, he's a gentle giant. Don't be afraid.
[LAUGHS] Good stuff, Russell. Good stuff.
Well, I am going to meet you at the table
'cause I have to go to the little girl's room.
Ooh, okay.
Russell...
Is it bring your daughter to work day already?
No, but I get it.
Hey, guess what. She's a lifeguard.
Lucky drowning victims. How old is she?
Don't you mean how old isn't she?
[LAUGHS]
Just kidding.
But seriously, call Jack Bauer
because she's 24.
24? Whoa.
Sit down and eat, Jeff.
How old now. How'd you do that?
How'd a guy your age pull that off?
Age is not an issue.
Mostly because I lie about it.
It's a good system.
You may possibly be my new hero.
Hey, I'm flattered.
Listen, I gotta go read the menu to Dani. See ya.
Ah, you keep up the good work, Dani.
Lifeguards are the doctors of our beaches.
Okay, we're good. Beat it.
Okay.
[SIGHS]
Where's my pie?
You're warming it.
And now it's a Danish.
Sorry.
I don't think I deserved a pant load of apple pie.
Uh, you did.
I can't believe you--
Is that crust on your face?
You ate the butt pie?
It was paid for.
Look, I don't expect you not to find other women attractive,
but is our relationship at a point where you feel comfortable
doing it in front of me?
All right, you're right.
I was pretty rude.
And I'm sorry.
And just so you know,
you don't have to worry.
I would never leave you for a 24 year old.
[SNORTS LAUGHTER]
Thank you.
That is a load off my mind.
- You're being sarcastic. - I am.
Because you don't think I can attract a 24 year old.
Not even if you were wearing a suit
made out of Justin Timberlake.
You're forgetting you were 24
when you fell for my charms.
Oh, your charms?
When I first saw you, you were screaming
at a girl for over pumping the keg.
It was gonna be all foam!
You know what...
you believe what you want to believe.
You're just lucky there's no way we can prove it.
Maybe there is.
What are you talking about?
I'll give you one night.
Go out, take off your wedding ring,
and try to get a young girl's phone number.
You do not want me to call your bluff.
Oh, I'm not bluffing.
But if you don't want to embarrass yourself by trying,
I would totally understand.
Let's make it a bet. What are we playing for?
There, uh, should be something at stake.
Oh, something is.
Your dignity.
Yeah, like I've never lost that before.
â™ªâ™ª How many ways to say I love you â™ªâ™ª
â™ªâ™ª How many ways to say that I'm not scared â™ªâ™ª
â™ªâ™ª With you by my side â™ªâ™ª
â™ªâ™ª There is no denying â™ªâ™ª
â™ªâ™ª I can't wait for me and you â™ªâ™ª
Huh!
What do you think?
A new queen size bed.
Oh, this is great! I thought we couldn't afford one.
We can't.
It's my old bed. I got it out of storage.
Wow. I forgot how comfortable it is.
Yeah. You know when we got it,
Sonia wanted to get the cheaper one,
but I convinced her to go top of the line.
Pretty smart, huh?
Sonia?
Who?
Your ex-girlfriend, Sonia?
Was she?
I cannot sleep or do other things
in a bed you bought with your ex.
Honey, you already have.
But I didn't know it then. That was when we were dating.
Now we're engaged, and this is our apartment-- this can't be our bed.
Come on, I'm not getting any sleep in the little bed.
The little bed is killing me.
I'm sorry, Adam. It needs to go.
Why? You didn't have a problem with the chair I brought over.
That's because you and Sonia didn't have sex on it.
Okay, the chair goes, too.
Come on, Jennifer.
Look, I know it's irrational.
But every time I got into that bed
I'd feel like Sonia was in it with us.
Really?
What? No, I was just thinking about...
you're so pretty.
Look, let's just buy a new bed.
No, no. When we got engaged, we agreed we wouldn't start our life together in debt.
We don't need that pressure.
Well, what are we gonna do?
Look, let's just...
Let's just go back to your old bed, okay.
Okay.
Sorry.
I wish I were as secure as you.
What do you mean?
Why am I secure?
Well, because I can't deal with Sonia in your bed,
but you're fine with all the guys who've been in mine.
"All the guys."
Those were her words.
[WHISTLES]
Yeah.
Wow.
You know it's more than two,
or she would have said both.
And that's just in that bed.
Home games, road trips, we'll have to estimate.
Yeah. How old do you think she was in her rookie year?
Like 16, 17?
Let's make it 18. Keep it legal.
All right, hey, guys, thanks.
I--I fell much better now. You can stop.
You test drove a Ferrari.
You bought a Ferrari.
Now you're shocked you're driving a Ferrari?
Yeah, where do you think she was when you met her? A, uh...
What's a car that hasn't had tons of sex?
You guys are great.
I'm gonna go walk this off.
That a boy!
[LAUGHS]
What are you doing?
What do you mean?
What are we, gonna share a milkshake?
Get over there.
Hey, so, uh, how's Dani?
She still does homework. That's how she is.
Aren't you worried she's going to find out how old you are,
and you're gonna look ridiculous?
Listen, you married guys are always trying to find a flaw
in my series of shallow sex-based relationships built on lies.
You're right. It does sound perfect.
Is that supposed to be sarcastic?
Not sure.
Hey, Adam told me about the challenge Audrey gave you.
I love it. I know the perfect bars.
So what's the game plan?
I'm just gonna be myself.
Ah, Operation Failure. Good call.
You want some help?
I don't.
I'm sure you're lone wolf on the make for all the honeys,
but this old hound has still got some Hun in him.
Nice speech. None of it from this century, but uh...
I admire your confidence.
Come on. Let's see some game. Pretend I'm a woman.
Already there.
I'm trying to help you out.
Gimme your opening line.
All right. [CLEARS THROAT]
Hi, I'm Jeff.
Hey, Jeff. I'm Laura.
Laura, pretty name.
From the Greek meaning "fresh smelling."
Okay. Always comment on a woman's odor.
That's good. You're gonna do great out there. [CLEARS THROAT]
Whoa, you look sharp.
Sure you don't wanna call this off?
Because you bathed?
I don't think so.
What is that? That some new cologne?
It's a man's all over body spray.
You bought body spray.
It came in the newspaper.
Now, knowing all of this.
One last chance to call it off.
No, no. I don't want to call it off.
Why? Do you?
Does this answer your question?
I'm gonna need some butter.
Hi.
Hi. I'm Jeff.
I'm Beth. I like your shirt.
Oh, thanks. My wife bought it for me.
Um, hold on, hold on.
I...when...
When I said wife, uh...
I meant my dead wife.
Hi.
I'm back.
Whatcha doin'?
Still designing the sales brochures
for those condos--look.
I don't like the way we left things before.
Bup--bup--bup.
I've decided nothing happened before.
We have a clean slate, and to start...
I have Chinese food and a movie.
Oh. Okay, I like it.
What movie did you get?
-Sideways. - Oh, good, I love that one.
- You've seen it? - Uh-huh.
Really? With who?
One of the guys? One of the little bed guys?
What happened to a clean slate?
You would love a clean slate, wouldn't you.
It was your idea.
Why "all"?
Why'd you have to say "all the guys"?
It's a figure of speech.
Neither one of us should have to apologize for our pasts.
Why did you make me get rid of the Sonia Bed and chair?
Okay. You're right.
How about this?
I made you get rid of two things from your past,
so I'll get rid of two from mine.
A picture from my trip to Mexico with Jason.
The cookbook with the first recipe I made for Michael.
Both gone.
Now we're even.
Not...really.
I mean, Jason and Michael.
That's two relationships to my one. So...
The guide book I took to Barbados with Ann.
Now we're even.
No.
Now it's three items to two.
So...
From Nick on Valentine's Day.
Three all.
Okay.
You wanna rumble?
This sexy, sexy mix CD
made for me by Cindy for our third anniversary trip to Nantucket.
Where we had sex!
Steven.
Josh.
Alejandro.
I'm gonna go roll around in the Sonia Bed.
You, uh, put that on my tab.
Cheers.
I enjoy a cocktail.
I like a drink, and I enjoy drinking it.
Big drinker.
You're welcome. You enjoy that.
Hey, how's it going old man?
What are you doing here?
I wouldn't miss this.
Hey, I'm a big drinker. I'm actually a drunk.
Hey, where ya going?
That stuff's gold.
I'm a little rusty. It's still early.
It's later than you think.
Ladies!
Check it out. Here comes Plan B.
Hi.
Hi, you must be Jeff. I'm Tawney.
Hello, Tawney.
Yeah, Tawney's one of Dani's little buddies.
Russell said you used to live with George Clooney.
Russell and I need to talk.
Two seconds. Two seconds.
[LAUGHS]
- She a hooker? - You gonna have sex with her?
- No. - Then she's not a hooker.
You say you're friends with George Clooney,
you get a phone number-- real simple.
You think you have to lie to get a number?
I've been watching you. You do.
Don't you want to prove Audrey wrong?
This is not about proving to Audrey. It's about proving to myself.
Am I past my prime? Have I lost it?
Yes and yes.
All right. I'll be with the girls.
I just don't know what to do.
I mean neither of us can change what we did before we met.
Yeah.
You know, most people deal with this stuff
before they get engaged.
You guys just dove in after seven months.
Are you pregnant?
- No. - It's okay if you are.
Just don't tell anyone I gave you wine.
I'm not pregnant.
I just don't want our insecurities to mess things up.
I mean, Adam's the one.
And I had to chase him for a while.
[LAUGHS]
Jeff pursued me.
'Course I was carrying a three foot party sub at the time so...
Did you guys have problems dealing with your past?
Yeah, a little at first.
But the longer you're with someone,
the stuff just fades away.
Yeah. I just have to get Adam to see that.
Yeah.
I wish we were secure as you and Jeff.
Well, don't get too secure.
Then you start taking your wife for granted
by drooling over some 24 year old right in front of her.
So you sent him to a bar without his wedding ring to hit on young girls.
Yep. [LAUGHS]
Guess you showed him.
I am not worried.
Jeff's a good looking guy.
In a statue on Easter Island kinda way.
Plus, he's kind of a doofus.
He walks around singing Huey Lewis songs.
And the man can't brush his teeth
without putting his other hand down his shorts.
Then as long as he's down at that bar
singing and brushing his teeth,
you have nothing to worry about.
Ten minutes, and she hasn't even maced him.
The old veteran might still have it.
You know who he reminds me of?
The 1977 World Series.
Reggie Jackson hit three home runs.
I was there.
Wow!
Wait a second, you weren't even born then.
You know what, you're right.
You caught me.
It's time to come clean.
I was not there.
So this is your email, your web address, your screen name.
- Have a phone number? - I don't give it out.
I'm sort of private.
But you seem like a nice guy so, okay.
Hi, is this seat taken?
No.
- Oh, hey. - Hey.
Feel like buying a girl a drink?
Well, sure.
What's a lady like you doing in a place like this?
Oh, I had a fight with my husband.
He was sort of being a jerk.
- Is that right? - Yeah. Yeah.
He met this 24 year old slut--
We don't know she's a slut.
She's a lifeguard.
Are all lifeguards sluts?
I'm doing a thing. All right.
As I was saying...
My husband carried on about her right in front of me
like I wasn't even there.
It made me feel taken for granted.
Well, my wife thought she was the only one
who could ever find me attractive.
It made me feel taken for granted.
She shouldn't have done that.
He shouldn't have either.
Wanna go back to my place?
What kinda girl do you think I am?
I'm hoping lifeguard.
Well, you know they are the doctors of our beaches.
By the way, get anybody's number?
Just yours.
Jack and Coke. And a, uh, Cosmo.
Hey.
Come here, I wanna show you something.
Another box?
How much more stuff do you have?
No, look,
this box is full of our past, right?
Mmm. Yeah.
And this one's empty.
But...
The seashell we found the first time we went to the beach.
The matches from the restaurant where you proposed.
The bottle of wine I drank tonight
trying to figure this whole thing out.
Whoa, you drank the whole bottle?
It took a lot of figuring.
My point is that one's as full as it's ever gonna get.
But this one, we'll be adding to for the rest of our lives.
And before we know it, it'll be so full
that that one, will seem like nothing.
You're the best.
And one brand new spatula.
What do you say we go make up in our big queen sized bed?
[GASPS] The Sonia Bed.
What do you say we stop calling it the Sonia Bed?
Yeah, uh, gotcha.
[SIGHS]
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]
Wow, is that really how you dance?
No.
That's just a fake old guy dance I do as a joke.
Wait a second.
You're not really 27, are you?
You know what, you caught me.
It's time to come clean.
I really dance like this.