Hey.
Hey, Russell.
Sorry I'm late. I had a thing.
Yeah, I figured.
I ordered you a burger.
Oh, you ordered for me?
Great. Why don't we just make out?
Because I don't know where you've been.
But I've got some news.
I moved in with Jennifer.
Why? When you lost your sublet,
I said you could stay on my couch.
Might wanna flip the cushions first.
Yeah, this thing with Jennifer isn't temporary,
because last night, I proposed to her.
It gets worse!
What are you, the dumbest idiot in the world?
Thanks for sharing my happiness.
You've only known her seven months.
You know what-- make sure the baby's yours.
Make her take a paternity test.
She's not pregnant.
Oh, shootin' blanks?
No, no, I proposed because I love her.
That's so gay.
Being in love with a woman is gay.
No, but saying it out loud to another guy is.
Look, there's no wedding date, no plans, no pressure.
I didn't even get her a ring yet, man.
I've got the best of all worlds.
There's only one world, and I have the best of it.
I do what I want, I date who I want,
and I sleep with whoever will let me.
Look, I've had all that.
Okay, now I'm done.
Jennifer's the one.
I think you're making a huge mistake.
Lockin' it down with one chick
is a horrible, horrible-- Hey!
There's Little Miss Sunshine.
Hey, guys.
Mwah. So did he tell you he proposed?
Yeah, he did.
Oh, uh, hooray!
It's great news.
♪♪ How many ways to say I love you ♪♪
♪♪ How many ways to say that I'm not scared ♪♪
♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪
♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪
♪♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪♪
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Hey, Jeff.
Audrey, did you write a check?
Yeah, I did.
Well, you didn't put it in the thing.
Now it's all...
Whatever.
It was for the exterminator that was here last week.
It was, like, $60-ish...
Sixty-ish.
Well, great. Now we'll just put that in here.
There, now the checkbook is totally balanced-ish.
[LAUGHING] You and that checkbook.
Hey, look, we got invited
to a really cool art opening on Saturday night.
Yay, art.
They'll have an open bar.
I won't go there for that reason.
Let's go invite Adam and Jennifer to go with us.
When's Adam movin' in?
Honey, he moved in a couple days ago.
I told you... you don't listen
- to anything I say, do ya? - I got a lot on my mind.
Uh, what did Derek Jeter bat last season?
.309.
It's important.
Uh.
We don't have any couple friends.
Jennifer's like a little sister,
and you like Adam, right?
He's a good hang.
So right there, there's a couple
in our building that we don't hate.
Yet.
Honey, come on.
They're just starting out.
We need to set a good example.
- Okay, big guy? - Fine.
Thank you.
Oh, hey, is this right?
$85 for skin cream?
Oh! This stuff is amazing.
This is it.
$85 for that tiny jar?
What's in it, $80?
Look, you spent $109 on a robot dog.
There's no need to bring Gizmo into this.
He's programmed for love.
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna set up Russell with my friend Karen.
Why? What'd she do to you?
I know he has commitment issues,
but he's not a bad guy.
He just needs the right woman to fix him.
I think he needs the right veterinarian to fix him,
but go ahead, take a shot.
What's this?
What?
Is this a wedding gift registry?
I mean, we just got engaged, there's no wedding plans,
and you're already pickin' out gifts?
I did it just for fun.
I'm excited, aren't you?
Mm, of course, just not asparagus-steamer excited.
Look, we're in no rush to get married.
Let's not worry about it now, okay?
- Okay. - [KNOCKING]
Oh, a cake plate.
Cake is fun.
- Hey, you! - Hey, how are ya?
Oh, Adam, we are so excited you're engaged.
You're living together!
So you guys going Dutch on the rent, or what?
Anyway, we wanted to know if you guys want
to go with us to an art opening on Saturday night.
- Open bar. - Sweet.
Sounds fun. What are you gonna wear?
I'll probably buy something new.
Of course.
I want you to take a look at the new shoes I just bought.
I'm wondering if they're too slutty.
- Are they clear? - No.
Then they're not too slutty.
Oh, well, you've got a stain right there.
Oh, come on!
I got it from Audrey's stupid bicycle.
She's never used it. It's been hanging in our hallway for two years.
Whoa, cool Mets stuff.
Thanks. I wanna hang it in here,
but Jennifer wants me to put it in my office.
We'll figure out a compromise, right?
Oh, yeah, Audrey and I compromise all the time,
like when we got our first apartment,
she wanted to get a cat.
And I didn't want to get a cat,
so we compromised and got a cat.
[LAUGHING] That's too bad,
but it's not gonna happen to me.
Jennifer's allergic to cats.
So am I.
Well, then, why'd you let Audrey get her way?
You have a biology textbook around here?
Look, we're gonna find a place for all my stuff,
and I'll get settled in.
[SIGHING] You know, I think marriage
is gonna be really great.
Based on what?
Look.
Look at this.
Jennifer wants a cake plate for our wedding.
There is going to be cake.
Yeah, sorry to disappoint you,
but there's not gonna be any cake.
What do you mean?
Well, I mean...
there's not gonna be any cake.
No, no, look.
She signed up for a cake plate,
so there's got to be cake.
We have a cake plate, 12 years.
No cake.
How can that be?
I don't know.
We've also got a juicer, no juice;
a waffle maker, no waffles; quesadilla maker...
Uh, yeah, I like...
No, señor.
Well, that-- that doesn't make any sense.
I know. Welcome aboard.
No, no, no, no, look!
I don't wanna be trapped in a cakeless marriage!
Again, welcome aboard.
There has to be cake.
There will be cake.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Hey, hon.
[CLOSES DOOR]
What are you doin' now?
Well, our place is too cluttered,
so I want to get rid of some stuff.
We can probably sell this for money,
buy yourself a thimble-full of that face cream.
My bicycle? No.
Absolutely not. Put it back.
- You haven't used it in two years. - I'm gonna use it.
You always say that, but you never do.
Jeff, if you sell my bicycle,
you will never see me naked ever again.
Oh, and the birthday deal? That will be off.
With or without you,
the deal will proceed forward.
Okay, what brought this on, huh?
Well, Adam was telling me
how Jennifer won't let him hang his Mets thing up,
- and dumb wedding gifts... - Jeff, Jeff!
I told you not to be a bad example!
Your bike's in the way. I bump into it all the time.
Well, maybe if you hadn't sold your bike two years ago,
we'd still be riding together, you'd be skinnier,
and you wouldn't be bumping into it.
I get plenty of exercise.
Last Saturday, I went 9 for 17 in softball.
That's a lot of running.
Yeah, and how many beers
did you have after the game, huh?
Nine or 17?
I had maybe four...
and then three lite ones...
so five.
What does any of this have to do with your bicycle?
Figure it out, Jeff.
Give me a clue.
Was that the clue?
Hey. Grocery delivery boy is here.
Who am I, the lonely housewife with no money to pay you?
Mm, I like that game,
but no, I actually bought groceries.
I got flour, sugar, eggs, butter, vanilla,
and this frosting was on sale.
Just gonna put it all right by this mixing bowl.
Are you gonna make a cake?
No. No, I thought you'd like to make it.
Get a head start on married life.
I'm watching the game, I'm drinking a beer...
you're baking the cake, the dog brings me my slippers.
In your version of marriage, am I allowed to vote?
Yeah, honey, you can vote while the cake is baking.
Adam, I don't really bake,
and I haven't planned on starting.
Well then, why'd you sign up for a cake plate
on the wedding gift thing?
I don't know, I just...
What's going on?
Well, honey, things are
happening pretty quickly here,
and I thought that I'd have my same nice life,
except you'd be in it, which would make it better.
But now I can't put my Mets thing up,
and I don't know where my stuff's gonna go,
and I don't want a cat.
I'm allergic to cats.
Yeah, so's Jeff.
Adam, I don't know what's happening here,
but shouldn't you have thought about all this
before you proposed?
I wasn't thinking when I proposed.
I just did it.
Is that right?
Well, you're obviously thinking now.
Are you sure you wanna get married?
Yes, I'm sure.
Should I follow you?
[DOOR SLAMS]
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
So, what, you moved to New York
from Ohio to become an actress?
Uh-huh.
Wow, that is a great plan.
I'm surprised more girls don't do that.
You know, you smell nice.
And this shirt-- what is it, cotton or rayon?
It's so soft.
Oh, wait, that's your skin.
I should get back to work.
Let's talk later.
Oh, we will.
I wanna hear all about Ohio...
You always have to touch them.
I'd be stupid not to.
A touch says "If you didn't think
I wanted to have sex with you, I do."
You're here to meet Jennifer's friend Karen,
so why even touch the ditzy waitress?
Look, you're just jealous
'cause your hitting-on- ditzy-waitress days are over.
They might not be. Jennifer thinks I'm unsure about getting married.
Well, are you sure?
Yeah, I am.
- Ooh, ya paused. - I know, I keep doing that.
Oh, check it out.
[LIKE CAVEMAN] Mongo like art.
Oh, here he comes. I like Jeff. He's huge.
Hey, Russell, I saw you talking to that waitress.
If anything happens there, I'd appreciate some details.
No problem. If you want,
I'll set up a camera and make you a tape.
[GIGGLING]
Yeah, it'd be funny if he was kidding.
Hey, you don't need Russell's stories.
I bet the love life with Audrey's still good.
Actually, we've sort of wrapped up
the sex portion of the marriage.
It's...been replaced by Letterman.
Ouch.
How many times a week-- four, five?
- Five. - [APPROVES]
You're talking about Letterman, right?
So, does Jeff at least get why you're so upset
about him wanting to sell your bike yet?
No, he doesn't get that it's something
we used to do together.
I'm not gonna explain it to him.
He's gonna have to figure it out himself.
That may take a while.
Adam, getting engaged is the right decision.
How long can you prowl around bars,
slinging pick-up lines and havin' emotionless sex?
I'll let you know.
I'm just saying, you wrestle enough bears,
eventually you're gonna get bitten.
Yeah, I wrestled a few bears in my day.
Yeah. Wait, what are bears, fat chicks?
But the thing is, you know, I had a lot of fun being single.
I guess my question is
how do you know when you're done?
Well, look, when you find the right bear--
What is it with bears?
Were you raised by bears or something?
You know, guys, as helpful as this is,
I'm goin' to the bar.
Good, good.
You keep drinkin' till you're happy.
Actually, that's good advice. I'll take it.
So, have you figured out why I'm so upset?
I have some theories.
How 'bout this urn, huh?
It's blowin' me away.
Hey, Russell.
This is my friend Karen.
Karen, Russell.
Hey, nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
May I take your coat?
Are you gonna give it back?
If it doesn't fit.
Hi.
I'm Sarah.
I'm Adam.
That's a really nice jacket, Adam.
Thanks.
Oh.
Hey.
Oh, hey.
Um, I saw you talkin' to Audrey.
She's still pretty made about that bicycle thing,
so you could help me out.
Audrey wants you to figure it out for yourself.
Not gonna happen.
That's hot.
I didn't know nurses had business cards.
I started med school, but took a break.
My dream is to become a pediatric surgeon.
You dream of operating on people's feet?
No, that's a podiatrist.
A pediatric surgeon--
- Uh. Ah... - Ah, you're joking.
Are you ever serious?
Tried it once. Wasn't funny.
Too bad.
I think serious can be very sexy.
Seriously?
And all my friends were always telling me,
"Sarah, the most interesting things always happen to you.
You should write a book."
So, long story short, ta-da!
I'm writing it. It's fiction.
I've just changed the names to protect the guilty.
Good idea.
It's sort of Catcher in the Rye
meets Sex in the City.
I mean, I watch that show, and I think,
"I am so Carrie!"
It's like her life is my life is my life...
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
...is that there are eight million people,
but it's so hard
to meet the perfect person!
Yeah, it is.
Excuse me.
This looks like it symbolizes
inner turmoil and a sense of loss
and confusion.
What do you think?
I think a monkey got into the paint.
Look, I'm sorry I got so crazy.
I guess I'm just a little scared.
Yeah, well, I'm scared, too.
Why are you scared?
Because we did this pretty quickly,
and we don't seem to be seeing things the same way.
We will, we will. We just need time.
Are you sure?
Excuse me.
What do you see in this picture?
I see a boat on the Hudson River
on a summer day.
Yes, a boat on the Hudson.
Thanks.
Yeah, we'll be fine.
All you do is repeat what I say.
Have you had an original thought
in the last 40 years?
And the hearing aid goes off.
Don't you walk away from me, you son of a bitch!
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Hey, take a look.
A bicycle web site?
Jeff, I told you, you're not selling my bike.
I know I'm not-- I'm getting one
for myself, so that we can ride
through Central Park together like we used to.
- Really? - Yeah.
Uh, after softball.
And not on Sunday during football season.
Ah, that was nice.
You know, I'm glad I went.
I'm glad you did, too.
Hey, is it all right if I sleep over?
Here?
Uh, sure.
Great, because my apartment is really tiny,
and my roommate's kind of a jerk.
It's like she puts all her food on one shelf
of the fridge and tells me not to touch it,
and I'm like-- I'm gonna get some water--
and I'm like, fine, because I bring home
really great food from some of my catering jobs,
and I don't let her have any.
It's not like I want any of her food, anyway.
I mean, she eats all this organic stuff
and last week she became a vegan.
I don't even know what that is,
because I grew up in Cleveland and we ate hotdogs.
But I think she eats some of my food, anyway,
because last week I brought all these giant shrimp home,
and I counted 'em before I put 'em in the fridge,
and the next day, two were gone.
Wait, did you just drink water and never stop talking?
Oh, yeah, I guess I did.
You wanna do it again?
Yes, I do.
Wow.
I just kept going, didn't I?
Thank you, open bar!
Hey, you wanna do it again?
[SNORTS]
Again.
Remember that?
Oh, yeah, that's so good.
Oh, let me just lick that.
There you go.
Mmm.
Delicious cake.
[LAUGHING]
Now that we're done with the cake,
we can have dessert.
Actually, I'm really tired.
Okay if we wait till tomorrow?
It already is tomorrow under these sheets.
Come on, I'll make it worth your while.
All right, fine.
We have the rest of our lives to do this.
I think we're gonna be really happy.
Me too.
Here.
You can watch Letterman.
[BAND PLAYS]
Letterman?
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]