[talks to self]
Miss Ella! Miss Ella!
It's here! I am so excited!
-[laughs happily] -Excited about what?
Ooh! The book that I published is finally here.
Oh, that's what's up! Yeah!
What's the name of this classic piece of literature?
I Was Always the Main Chick . [laughs]
-You wrote a tell-all? -[Jazmine] Huh.
No, no, no! It's not a tell-all!
It's-it's a novel. It's-it's fiction.
-Mm-hmm, is it? -Yes, here!
100 percent. You should read it.
Mm-hmm.
"Let me tell you how I,
Niranda Hurts, took my life back."
Heh-heh!
This is a tell-all!
No. It-it's not!
-Tell-all! -It's not!
The name of the main character is "Niranda Hurts",
as in "Payne".
It's not even thinly veiled, Miranda!
I mean, they say you're supposed to write about what you know!
I better not be in this book.
-Oh wait, I better be in it. -Okay, listen.
You guys, this is not based on real life.
I think I'll be the judge of that.
-Give me. -Here.
Uh, wait a minute, dear.
Let me see for myself...
Look.
-"Ms. Bella--" -Mm-hmm.
"--is sitting upon her throne."
Mm-hmm.
She is a queen among queens. Ha!
-[chuckles] -Now, this is excellent.
-It's good, right? -This is excellent.
This is excellent.
[Curtis] --do something!
You need to do something, okay?
That's some bull!
Pops, it was just a game.
Huh?
It wasn't just a game for Jackie Robinson, Calvin,
or Pele, or Peabo Bryson.
What? He wasn't even an athlete.
What are y'all talking about?
Christian lost another soccer game.
[Women] Again!?
Ooh! He got the same genes as Malik.
Yeah, he got pummeled!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Somebody hurt my baby?
He's fine. He's in the backyard.
-Oh... -Practicing.
He don't need practice.
What he needs is Coach Curtis Payne.
[Calvin scoffs]
Okay, wait. You played soccer?
Never.
My dear, I am a player,
and we win at every game. You heard me.
Well, I am tired of our son losing.
No, wait, now, now,
you learn how to win by recovering from your loss.
You lost a wife and two baby mamas.
What did you learn?
Never give up on love?
Wow...
That's your son.
What?
I'ma go check on our son.
[birds chirping]
[plane flying overhead]
[sirens wailing, horns honking]
[fireworks whistling, bursting]
[siren wailing]
-Wait a minute. -Okay.
You misspelled " entre vous " and "boudoir".
And you also misspelled "allowed" and "into."
Your computer don't have spell check?
Okay, you know what?
My-my editor will take care of it.
Who's your editor?
Me.
[chuckles]
Newsflash!
Ain't no farmers at the farmers market.
Hmm!?
Just old men complaining about the price of rutabagas.
-Hey, Ms. Glo. -Hey, girl.
-How are you doing? -I'm good,
now that I've finished shopping for the--
Aaaah! [clears throat]
-You all right? -Yes, I'm good, thank you.
Okay, yeah, I finished shopping for the book club meeting.
Oh!
You're in a book club, Ms. Ella?
When did this happen?
Oh, she's one of the founders.
[Miranda] Ooh, hoo-hoo!
Although our first meeting might get cancelled
because the books are all out of stock.
No!
Okay, then, well--
Perfect! Then you can use my book.
-My new book! -Your new book?
I started reading said book, and it's good.
You should read it.
I'm not saying I'm in it, but...
I'm probably in it.
I Was Always the Main Chick ?
Yes.
-Mm. -[Miranda] It's good.
-So was I! -[laughs]
-Girl, we are reading this book! -Yes!
-We are? -Ah, we are!
Miranda, will you do us the honor of
attending our book club discussion?
-The honor would be all mine. -All right!
Oh, I wanna come too!
In case you wanna talk to any of the real characters.
Oh, uh, now, tell me, is this based on real life?
N-no, it is not.
Well, I mean, you do have to write from experience.
So there may be a little piece of...
I knew it. I knew it.
-What? Calvin! -You knew what?
Uh, Miranda wrote a semi-autobiographical novel.
-I did. -[Calvin] Oh, wow, that's cool.
-Congrats! -Thank you!
Okay, it's called I Was Always the Main Chick .
-Okay, that's not cool. -[Ella] Mm-hmm.
-Is it about me? -No...
I sure hope so.
Ha ha! I'm already intrigued,
and I haven't even cracked it open yet.
Mm-hmm.
So how long have you been working on
this 50 Shades of Payne ?
First of all, that's not the name.
And I mean, you know, since our divorce.
Oh, so we out here grindin' axes in these streets?
Please let this be a scene in the book!
It's already getting juicy.
Okay, so Jazmine, no, I am not grinding axes.
And Calvin, I needed just an outlet for--
for all of this energy to flow into,
-and it's the book! -[Calvin] Hm.
So you needed an outlet. You know what?
You know who else needed an outlet?
Who, girl?
Ms. Celie in The Color Purple .
-Mm! -Mm-hmm.
You might have a Pulitzer on your hands, Miranda.
This is gonna be the best book club discussion ever!
[laughs]
[Miranda] [laughs] Yes!
There we go.
Now, I need you to step in to the ball, okay?
And give me a hard kick. You got it!?
Okay, let's make it happen.
[gasps]
[speaks incoherently]
Pops, guess what I just learned?
That your boy got the athletic genes from his mama?
Should I kick it again?
Yes, son.
And again, and again, and again.
Son, what he means is practice makes perfect.
No, for real, Pops, I gotta ask you something.
What--okay, just give me a minute with my grandson
so I can teach him the Curtis Payne
three piece set piece.
I need you to focus, okay!?
You focus!
Both of you focus!
[loud thud]
Boy, I almost did it.
No, you all the way did it.
Now it's time for you to run.
Run laps?
No, run away.
Son, just--just go in the house and help Ma.
Hey, uh, look, I gotta ask you a question, seriously.
Yes, your mother's gonna send
your firstborn child down the river for killing her flowers.
Look, do you think Miranda would smear my name?
She wrote a novel, and I think I'm in it.
What's the name of the book?
I Was Always the Main Chick.
Were you?
Pops, she's talking about herself.
She was the main chick.
Well, was she?
-I'm being serious. -And so am I, son!
Look, [stammers]
If you was doin' the right thing,
then you ain't got nothin' to worry about!
Well, what if I wasn't?
Oh, ho, ho, ho!
Then I guess you better go get your hands on that book
and get in front of this thing, man.
You know what? You right.
I'ma read the book.
-Okay. -Yeah.
Now, Dorinda wants two copies.
Oh!
One for her, and one for her cuddy buddy.
Ooh, Dorinda have a cuddy buddy?
-Ah-ha. -Okay, girl!
Look, "Enjoy the jump-offs
while they last."
Cuddy buddy!
I cannot believe that I am signing autographs!
-[laughs] -Yes, you are. Yes, you are.
Oh, and now you can make the next one out to--
-Okay. -Calvin Payne,
or whoever you named me in your little book.
Calvin, you're not in the book.
You probably named me something crazy like "Mister"
or "Ike" or something.
Here, take the book. Read it!
Gladly.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
Are you sure you want to do that?
Ms. Ella, it's fine.
He won't find himself in the book.
He won't even read it.
Even if Calvin is not in the book,
he's gonna be in the book.
-Okay, I don't understand. -Miranda...
he's gonna see himself in every man in this book,
whether it's him or not.
But Ms. Ella, I didn't write about him.
Miranda, whether you did or you did not,
he is a man with an ego!
He doesn't wanna be in the book, but he really does.
I'm so confused.
This male psyche is a road trip of disappointments.
[Ella laughs]
Oh, you just wait until that midlife crisis hits.
[Miranda] Oof!
And then you have to wake up to sleep apnea every night.
Oh, oh, hell no!
-Uh uh! -What is it?
I'm-I'm the freaky funeral home director
with the prosthetic leg?
Huh?
Oh, Calvin, you've got me.
Yes, yes, you are
the freaky funeral home director Ernesto with one leg, mm-hmm!
Ha! I got you. You hear that, Mama?
You used my name and likeness without my permission.
That's a lawsuit.
-Don't flatter yourself, Calvin! -[Ella laughs]
He's lame!
Well, people are gonna read the book
and think I'm lame, Niranda!
Calvin, it is a novel, baby.
Nobody's gonna recognize you but you.
Well, that's all that matters.
You know what, Ms. Ella?
Do you need me to help you get the refreshments
-together in the kitchen? -Yes, please.
-Okay. -Yes, please.
Mm-hmm.
Read on, Ernesto.
Baby, stop reading into things.
Stop reading into things, okay?
-Oh yeah, I'ma read into it. -Stop reading things into it.
I'ma read into it.
Hey, what?
Oh, hell n-- What?
You know what?
Uh huh. You know what?
[music]
Okay, big man.
Now I want you to show Mr. Floyd what you got, okay?
-[gasps] -Wow.
Let me try one more time.
Okay.
Try again.
-Ooh! -Oh, baby.
He's getting even better.
Uh, better that time.
-Curtis. -Yes?
I told you it was bad, Floyd.
Well, at least when he gets grown,
he could become a member of
the Five Blind Boys of Alabama.
He's not blind, Floyd.
[chortles]
Yeess, he is.
He does look that way though.
Look, he's not. He's just--he's just--
Exceptional, yeah, that's what it is.
You know, I had a cousin that had challenges.
Yeeah.
But, you know, thank goodness she became
a professional scratch-off ticket player.
Uh, say that again?
Okay, all right, this what we gonna do.
Since he's kinda big for his age...
what we're gonna do is, um--
Let's--let's concentrate on his physicality.
Yeah.
Something.
I can't. I can't.
Uh, okay, you mean like a bruiser?
Exactly, a bruiser!
See, we had a bruiser on my kickball team
in Knoxville College,
and what it is, whenever we need a retaliation,
we send Big Betty out there, and she would go to work.
-Yup. -You know what?
-I like that. -[Floyd] Yeah.
I like that. Christian--oh, okay!
Oh, that's enough.
-Time out. -That's enough misses.
Enough misses.
Now, I want you to grab the ball.
Mm-hmm.
-Floyd, you get over here. -Okay.
Wait, wait.
Okay.
Bring it down.
All right.
Can only bring it down for so long.
Now, look.
In soccer, you can push the ball with your shoulders, all right?
But not with your hands, all right?
We good? All right.
So I want you to take your shoulder
and push Mr. Floyd, and take the ball.
-Oof! -Whoo!
[Curtis and Floyd] Goal!
[laughter]
Child!
I almost peed on myself
when the pole dancer jumps out of the baptismal pool
and started singing Jodeci!
[laughter]
Talking about Forever My First Lady .
That had me weak!
Whew!
See, you guys get my comedy.
Oh, we got it!
-Ooh, ooh, ooh! -Hey!
[Group] Hey!
It's the star of the show!
It's Errrnesto!
[laughter, exclaiming]
I was just headed to the soccer game.
[nervous chuckle]
What's going on here?
Oh, did you forget about our book club meeting?
Book? Y'all got books?
We got e-books.
Miranda, she lost the paperback copies, Calvin,
so she was nice enough to send us all
the electronic versions.
E-books!
Isn't that something, Cuz?
All the evidence--I mean, books just...vanished.
You know what? E-books are better anyway,
because, you know, now I can share it.
Look, everybody's gonna read about this fool, Er--
-How do you say it? -Errrnesto!
Look at God, Calvin!
[laughs nervously] Yeah, won't he do it?
Mm-hmm, won't? He will.
-Everybody got one. -[Miranda] Yes!
-E-books! -Yes!
Okay, y'all enjoy y'all discussion.
We will.
Okay...
-Ooh! Girl. -[Miranda] Yes.
Girl...why he have a hearse with 24-inch rims on it?
Mm....
Blasting Shirley Caesar in a funeral procession.
Right!
Ladies, ladies, ladies, now you guys know...
big rims, big speakers,
big tires...
Overcompensating for his shortcomings!
Yes!
Hey, hey, hey, Ernesto ain't never had
no problems in the bed.
Miranda, tell 'em.
Uh, Calvin, make yourself useful, baby,
and bring me a tissue.
You-you-you mean, uh, paper towels?
No, tissues, baby.
We are about to look at chapter 30.
-Oh, no we're not. -Mm-hmm...
30!
Oh, no, what happened in chapter 30?
Ladies, you ready for this?
What happened? What happened in chapter 30?
I can't believe what he did to that baby.
What did he-- What did he do to the baby?
Well, you know, I wanted to show a different kind of tragedy.
And you did!
I mean, who in their right mind would put a...
put a tattoo on a toddler?
It was the symbolism, though. The symbolism.
Behind the tattoo? I can't even talk about that.
He gon' tattoo a baby's stomach with "Hug Life".
-[Ella] Mm-hmm. -Wait, wait, wait.
-the same one that 2pac had? -And spelled it wrong!
I mean, the book is riddled with typos, but...
the story's so good, I don't even care!
But listen, was that a typo?
Oh, wait, whoa!
Oh!
Miranda...
So listen...
[sighs]
When Ernesto left his common law wife,
Rosita Jaquez...
Ja-Ja-quez!
[Miranda] Right?
He needed to have a reminder,
because he knew that he would never hug his son again.
[exclaiming]
Hug Life!
[exclaiming]
I can't wait 'til they make this into a movie!
Can I please be in it!?
I'll have an agent by then!
[applause]
I'm so proud of you!
-Thank you. -Me too.
Wait, wait, Mr. Payne, what are you doing here?
Calvin just left to meet you.
Oh, well, the game ended early.
What happened?
The referee was a jackass.
Yes.
Thank you, Officer.
No, no, no, we'll take it from here, yes.
And hey, sorry about your taser.
He's a big boy.
It probably just felt like a mosquito bite to him.
All right, then. Bye bye.
No, no, no, no. Wait, wait.
What did you just say?
Uh, well, your son's been banned from youth soccer.
What y'all got to eat?
Wait, no, no. Wait, hold on.
What did you just say?
[louder] What y'all got to eat?
No, the other part.
My son has been banned from youth soccer forever?
No, they'll let him back out to play again.
Just after he takes a few anger management classes.
Huh!?
Oh, Miranda, you should've seen that boy out there.
He was a monster out on that field!
-You heard me! -[Floyd] Yeah.
I ain't never seen that many little kids
just getting flipped up in the air like that.
I mean, he knocked one girl completely out of her shoes.
What?
Whoa, did you know he made five goals in the first half?
Wait, my baby scored five goals!?
Yeah!
Oh, I'm so proud!
Yeah, but some of 'em didn't count, though,
because he actually knocked the goalkeeper's teeth out.
But were they loose?
-Allegedly. -Well...
Yeah, yeah. But you know what, though?
Heh, after those five goals,
somebody had to blurt out some obscenities
and call the referee...
[unintelligible]
A what?
[unintelligible]
What did he say? What did he say?
-[unintelligible] -Wait a minute, hold on,
you said these things in front of children?
They've heard worse.
Okay, Mr. Payne, Mr. Payne, Mr. Payne...
you didn't hit anybody, did you?
Now Miranda, I would not resort to hitting people
with witnesses around.
Where is my child?
-In the backyard. -He out there practicing.
Ah, Christian, honey, come here, baby.
Licking his wounds.
Baby, are you okay?
Yeah, I wanna play football now!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
[Floyd] Good idea.
We gonna do it, and I'm gonna teach you--
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm gonna teach my son about the best foot player
that ever lived.
Oh, Jim Brown?
No.
Sweet Feet.
-[Floyd] Sweet Feet... -Who the hell is that?
You don't know about Sweet Feet?
Never heard of him.
Baby, tell 'em who Sweet Feet is.
[Christian & Miranda] Sweet Feet! Sweet Feet!
Yeah! Ha!
Sweet Feet.
Thank you for returning the books.
So Calvin,
do you know how you got yourself in that book?
Scorned woman with a laptop?
No, no, no.
You put yourself in that book.
How?
You imagined that you were something
that you were not...
and then you became that thing.
I didn't see myself as a one-legged funeral director.
You saw yourself being a victim of a bitter divorce.
-Am I? -No, you are not.
And neither is he mother of your child.
You're two people simply moving forward.
I'm just trying to live my best life.
[chuckles]
Yet you chose to identify yourself with
the worst character in the book.
-I did, didn't I? -Yes, you did.
Come on, baby.
Nobody can love you like you can love yourself.
So you gotta be good to you.
[laughs]
Mm...Mom, ah,
there's something I gotta tell you.
What is-- What is it?
Well...hear me out.
Ah, I was playing in the backyard with Christian,
and he-he trampled your begonias.
[chuckles]
[Calvin chuckles nervously]
You play too much. [chuckles]
He was playing soccer, and he kicked the ball,
and then he kicked the flowers.
He kicked the ball? [chuckles]
-He kicked the flowers. -Yeah, yeah.
[laughs]
[Curtis laughs nervously]
Let me get my bat.
-Get-get your bat? -Mm-hmm. [laughs]
[stammers] I'ma--I'ma just go.
-[Ella] Stay right here! -[Calvin] I'ma go!
-[Ella] No, I got a golf club. -[Calvin] I'ma go!
Come here, Calvin!
Calvin!
[music]
[chuckles]
[music]