1
00:00:00,467 --> 00:00:02,302
[talks to self]
2
00:00:02,302 --> 00:00:04,037
Miss Ella! Miss Ella!
3
00:00:04,037 --> 00:00:06,439
It's here!
I am so excited!
4
00:00:06,439 --> 00:00:09,476
-[laughs happily]
-Excited about what?
5
00:00:09,476 --> 00:00:13,313
Ooh! The book that I published
is finally here.
6
00:00:13,313 --> 00:00:15,215
Oh, that's what's up!
Yeah!
7
00:00:15,215 --> 00:00:17,484
What's the name of this
classic piece of literature?
8
00:00:17,484 --> 00:00:21,121
I Was Always the Main Chick .
[laughs]
9
00:00:21,121 --> 00:00:23,323
-You wrote a tell-all?
-[Jazmine] Huh.
10
00:00:23,323 --> 00:00:25,058
No, no, no!
It's not a tell-all!
11
00:00:25,058 --> 00:00:26,459
It's-it's a novel.
It's-it's fiction.
12
00:00:26,459 --> 00:00:28,995
-Mm-hmm, is it?
-Yes, here!
13
00:00:28,995 --> 00:00:30,563
100 percent.
You should read it.
14
00:00:30,563 --> 00:00:32,065
Mm-hmm.
15
00:00:32,065 --> 00:00:34,134
"Let me tell you how I,
16
00:00:34,134 --> 00:00:37,837
Niranda Hurts,
took my life back."
17
00:00:37,837 --> 00:00:39,005
Heh-heh!
18
00:00:39,005 --> 00:00:41,040
This is a tell-all!
19
00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:42,409
No. It-it's not!
20
00:00:42,409 --> 00:00:43,843
-Tell-all!
-It's not!
21
00:00:43,843 --> 00:00:47,747
The name of the main
character is "Niranda Hurts",
22
00:00:47,747 --> 00:00:48,982
as in "Payne".
23
00:00:48,982 --> 00:00:51,484
It's not even
thinly veiled, Miranda!
24
00:00:51,484 --> 00:00:54,454
I mean, they say you're supposed
to write about what you know!
25
00:00:54,454 --> 00:00:57,724
I better not be in this book.
26
00:00:57,724 --> 00:00:59,626
-Oh wait, I better be in it.
-Okay, listen.
27
00:00:59,626 --> 00:01:02,996
You guys, this is
not based on real life.
28
00:01:02,996 --> 00:01:04,731
I think I'll be
the judge of that.
29
00:01:04,731 --> 00:01:06,065
-Give me.
-Here.
30
00:01:06,065 --> 00:01:07,300
Uh, wait a minute, dear.
31
00:01:07,300 --> 00:01:10,737
Let me see for myself...
32
00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:12,105
Look.
33
00:01:12,105 --> 00:01:13,506
-"Ms. Bella--"
-Mm-hmm.
34
00:01:13,506 --> 00:01:15,575
"--is sitting upon her throne."
35
00:01:15,575 --> 00:01:17,010
Mm-hmm.
36
00:01:17,010 --> 00:01:19,145
She is a queen among queens.
Ha!
37
00:01:19,145 --> 00:01:21,247
-[chuckles]
-Now, this is excellent.
38
00:01:21,247 --> 00:01:22,849
-It's good, right?
-This is excellent.
39
00:01:22,849 --> 00:01:24,050
This is excellent.
40
00:01:24,050 --> 00:01:25,118
[Curtis] --do something!
41
00:01:25,118 --> 00:01:26,853
You need to do something, okay?
42
00:01:26,853 --> 00:01:28,321
That's some bull!
43
00:01:28,321 --> 00:01:29,889
Pops, it was just a game.
44
00:01:29,889 --> 00:01:31,357
Huh?
45
00:01:31,357 --> 00:01:33,460
It wasn't just a game
for Jackie Robinson, Calvin,
46
00:01:33,460 --> 00:01:36,329
or Pele, or Peabo Bryson.
47
00:01:36,329 --> 00:01:38,498
What?
He wasn't even an athlete.
48
00:01:38,498 --> 00:01:40,467
What are y'all talking about?
49
00:01:40,467 --> 00:01:42,135
Christian lost
another soccer game.
50
00:01:42,135 --> 00:01:45,271
[Women] Again!?
51
00:01:45,271 --> 00:01:49,809
Ooh! He got
the same genes as Malik.
52
00:01:49,809 --> 00:01:51,811
Yeah, he got pummeled!
53
00:01:51,811 --> 00:01:53,379
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
54
00:01:53,379 --> 00:01:54,614
Somebody hurt my baby?
55
00:01:54,614 --> 00:01:56,883
He's fine.
He's in the backyard.
56
00:01:56,883 --> 00:01:58,351
-Oh...
-Practicing.
57
00:01:58,351 --> 00:01:59,552
He don't need practice.
58
00:01:59,552 --> 00:02:01,287
What he needs is
Coach Curtis Payne.
59
00:02:01,287 --> 00:02:02,655
[Calvin scoffs]
60
00:02:02,655 --> 00:02:04,724
Okay, wait.
You played soccer?
61
00:02:04,724 --> 00:02:06,426
Never.
62
00:02:06,426 --> 00:02:08,294
My dear, I am a player,
63
00:02:08,294 --> 00:02:10,463
and we win at every game.
You heard me.
64
00:02:10,463 --> 00:02:13,233
Well, I am tired
of our son losing.
65
00:02:13,233 --> 00:02:14,667
No, wait, now, now,
66
00:02:14,667 --> 00:02:17,170
you learn how to win by
recovering from your loss.
67
00:02:17,170 --> 00:02:19,272
You lost a wife
and two baby mamas.
68
00:02:19,272 --> 00:02:22,442
What did you learn?
69
00:02:22,442 --> 00:02:25,778
Never give up on love?
70
00:02:25,778 --> 00:02:26,980
Wow...
71
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:28,748
That's your son.
72
00:02:28,748 --> 00:02:30,450
What?
73
00:02:30,450 --> 00:02:31,818
I'ma go check on our son.
74
00:02:38,275 --> 00:02:40,110
[birds chirping]
75
00:02:40,110 --> 00:02:42,445
[plane flying overhead]
76
00:02:42,445 --> 00:02:44,481
[sirens wailing,
horns honking]
77
00:02:44,481 --> 00:02:46,716
[fireworks whistling, bursting]
78
00:02:49,719 --> 00:02:51,888
[siren wailing]
79
00:02:57,207 --> 00:02:58,675
-Wait a minute.
-Okay.
80
00:02:58,675 --> 00:03:02,879
You misspelled
" entre vous " and "boudoir".
81
00:03:02,879 --> 00:03:05,515
And you also misspelled
"allowed" and "into."
82
00:03:05,515 --> 00:03:06,950
Your computer don't
have spell check?
83
00:03:06,950 --> 00:03:08,151
Okay, you know what?
84
00:03:08,151 --> 00:03:09,486
My-my editor will
take care of it.
85
00:03:09,486 --> 00:03:10,753
Who's your editor?
86
00:03:10,753 --> 00:03:13,323
Me.
87
00:03:13,323 --> 00:03:14,357
[chuckles]
88
00:03:14,357 --> 00:03:15,658
Newsflash!
89
00:03:15,658 --> 00:03:18,328
Ain't no farmers at
the farmers market.
90
00:03:18,328 --> 00:03:19,829
Hmm!?
91
00:03:19,829 --> 00:03:22,632
Just old men complaining
about the price of rutabagas.
92
00:03:22,632 --> 00:03:24,434
-Hey, Ms. Glo.
-Hey, girl.
93
00:03:24,434 --> 00:03:25,835
-How are you doing?
-I'm good,
94
00:03:25,835 --> 00:03:27,270
now that I've finished
shopping for the--
95
00:03:27,270 --> 00:03:29,973
Aaaah!
[clears throat]
96
00:03:29,973 --> 00:03:31,741
-You all right?
-Yes, I'm good, thank you.
97
00:03:31,741 --> 00:03:33,810
Okay, yeah, I finished shopping
for the book club meeting.
98
00:03:33,810 --> 00:03:35,378
Oh!
99
00:03:35,378 --> 00:03:37,113
You're in a book club, Ms. Ella?
100
00:03:37,113 --> 00:03:38,515
When did this happen?
101
00:03:38,515 --> 00:03:40,083
Oh, she's one of the founders.
102
00:03:40,083 --> 00:03:41,451
[Miranda] Ooh, hoo-hoo!
103
00:03:41,451 --> 00:03:43,853
Although our first meeting
might get cancelled
104
00:03:43,853 --> 00:03:45,822
because the books
are all out of stock.
105
00:03:45,822 --> 00:03:46,890
No!
106
00:03:46,890 --> 00:03:47,857
Okay, then, well--
107
00:03:47,857 --> 00:03:49,592
Perfect!
Then you can use my book.
108
00:03:49,592 --> 00:03:51,895
-My new book!
-Your new book?
109
00:03:51,895 --> 00:03:54,631
I started reading
said book, and it's good.
110
00:03:54,631 --> 00:03:55,698
You should read it.
111
00:03:55,698 --> 00:03:57,433
I'm not saying I'm in it, but...
112
00:03:57,433 --> 00:03:59,702
I'm probably in it.
113
00:04:00,503 --> 00:04:03,373
I Was Always the Main Chick ?
114
00:04:03,373 --> 00:04:05,208
Yes.
115
00:04:05,208 --> 00:04:07,043
-Mm.
-[Miranda] It's good.
116
00:04:07,043 --> 00:04:09,312
-So was I!
-[laughs]
117
00:04:09,312 --> 00:04:11,581
-Girl, we are reading this book!
-Yes!
118
00:04:11,581 --> 00:04:14,317
-We are?
-Ah, we are!
119
00:04:14,317 --> 00:04:15,919
Miranda, will you
do us the honor of
120
00:04:15,919 --> 00:04:17,921
attending our
book club discussion?
121
00:04:17,921 --> 00:04:20,557
-The honor would be all mine.
-All right!
122
00:04:20,557 --> 00:04:22,058
Oh, I wanna come too!
123
00:04:22,058 --> 00:04:24,928
In case you wanna talk to
any of the real characters.
124
00:04:24,928 --> 00:04:29,299
Oh, uh, now, tell me,
is this based on real life?
125
00:04:29,299 --> 00:04:31,935
N-no, it is not.
126
00:04:31,935 --> 00:04:34,504
Well, I mean, you do have
to write from experience.
127
00:04:34,504 --> 00:04:36,606
So there may be
a little piece of...
128
00:04:36,606 --> 00:04:38,207
I knew it. I knew it.
129
00:04:38,207 --> 00:04:41,077
-What? Calvin!
-You knew what?
130
00:04:41,077 --> 00:04:44,681
Uh, Miranda wrote a
semi-autobiographical novel.
131
00:04:44,681 --> 00:04:45,815
-I did.
-[Calvin] Oh, wow, that's cool.
132
00:04:45,815 --> 00:04:47,850
-Congrats!
-Thank you!
133
00:04:47,850 --> 00:04:51,688
Okay, it's called
I Was Always the Main Chick .
134
00:04:51,688 --> 00:04:53,690
-Okay, that's not cool.
-[Ella] Mm-hmm.
135
00:04:53,690 --> 00:04:55,959
-Is it about me?
-No...
136
00:04:55,959 --> 00:04:57,360
I sure hope so.
137
00:04:57,360 --> 00:04:58,828
Ha ha!
I'm already intrigued,
138
00:04:58,828 --> 00:05:00,797
and I haven't even
cracked it open yet.
139
00:05:00,797 --> 00:05:02,632
Mm-hmm.
140
00:05:02,632 --> 00:05:04,167
So how long have
you been working on
141
00:05:04,167 --> 00:05:05,468
this 50 Shades of Payne ?
142
00:05:05,468 --> 00:05:07,036
First of all,
that's not the name.
143
00:05:07,036 --> 00:05:09,739
And I mean, you know,
since our divorce.
144
00:05:09,739 --> 00:05:13,776
Oh, so we out here grindin'
axes in these streets?
145
00:05:13,776 --> 00:05:16,646
Please let this be
a scene in the book!
146
00:05:16,646 --> 00:05:18,948
It's already getting juicy.
147
00:05:18,948 --> 00:05:22,852
Okay, so Jazmine, no,
I am not grinding axes.
148
00:05:22,852 --> 00:05:25,822
And Calvin, I needed
just an outlet for--
149
00:05:25,822 --> 00:05:28,091
for all of this
energy to flow into,
150
00:05:28,091 --> 00:05:29,926
-and it's the book!
-[Calvin] Hm.
151
00:05:29,926 --> 00:05:31,661
So you needed an outlet.
You know what?
152
00:05:31,661 --> 00:05:33,296
You know who else
needed an outlet?
153
00:05:33,296 --> 00:05:34,831
Who, girl?
154
00:05:34,831 --> 00:05:37,033
Ms. Celie in The Color Purple .
155
00:05:37,033 --> 00:05:38,601
-Mm!
-Mm-hmm.
156
00:05:38,601 --> 00:05:41,237
You might have a Pulitzer
on your hands, Miranda.
157
00:05:41,237 --> 00:05:45,008
This is gonna be the best
book club discussion ever!
158
00:05:45,008 --> 00:05:46,275
[laughs]
159
00:05:46,275 --> 00:05:47,310
[Miranda] [laughs] Yes!
160
00:05:47,310 --> 00:05:48,678
There we go.
161
00:05:48,678 --> 00:05:50,446
Now, I need you to
step in to the ball, okay?
162
00:05:50,446 --> 00:05:53,182
And give me a hard kick.
You got it!?
163
00:05:53,182 --> 00:05:54,784
Okay, let's make it happen.
164
00:05:57,620 --> 00:05:59,255
[gasps]
165
00:05:59,255 --> 00:06:03,860
[speaks incoherently]
166
00:06:03,860 --> 00:06:05,395
Pops, guess what I just learned?
167
00:06:05,395 --> 00:06:08,831
That your boy got the
athletic genes from his mama?
168
00:06:08,831 --> 00:06:10,600
Should I kick it again?
169
00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:11,934
Yes, son.
170
00:06:11,934 --> 00:06:14,871
And again, and again, and again.
171
00:06:14,871 --> 00:06:18,141
Son, what he means is
practice makes perfect.
172
00:06:18,141 --> 00:06:20,877
No, for real, Pops,
I gotta ask you something.
173
00:06:20,877 --> 00:06:23,413
What--okay, just give me
a minute with my grandson
174
00:06:23,413 --> 00:06:25,181
so I can teach him
the Curtis Payne
175
00:06:25,181 --> 00:06:26,816
three piece set piece.
176
00:06:26,816 --> 00:06:28,951
I need you to focus, okay!?
177
00:06:28,951 --> 00:06:31,054
You focus!
178
00:06:31,054 --> 00:06:32,288
Both of you focus!
179
00:06:35,291 --> 00:06:37,026
[loud thud]
180
00:06:39,295 --> 00:06:41,397
Boy, I almost did it.
181
00:06:41,397 --> 00:06:43,866
No, you all the way did it.
182
00:06:43,866 --> 00:06:45,501
Now it's time for you to run.
183
00:06:45,501 --> 00:06:47,136
Run laps?
184
00:06:47,136 --> 00:06:48,771
No, run away.
185
00:06:49,939 --> 00:06:52,175
Son, just--just go in
the house and help Ma.
186
00:06:53,943 --> 00:06:56,713
Hey, uh, look, I gotta ask
you a question, seriously.
187
00:06:56,713 --> 00:06:58,281
Yes, your mother's gonna send
188
00:06:58,281 --> 00:07:01,951
your firstborn child down the
river for killing her flowers.
189
00:07:01,951 --> 00:07:04,220
Look, do you think Miranda
would smear my name?
190
00:07:04,220 --> 00:07:06,456
She wrote a novel,
and I think I'm in it.
191
00:07:06,456 --> 00:07:08,524
What's the name of the book?
192
00:07:08,524 --> 00:07:10,493
I Was Always the Main Chick.
193
00:07:10,493 --> 00:07:12,095
Were you?
194
00:07:12,095 --> 00:07:13,763
Pops, she's talking
about herself.
195
00:07:13,763 --> 00:07:15,331
She was the main chick.
196
00:07:15,331 --> 00:07:17,166
Well, was she?
197
00:07:17,166 --> 00:07:19,202
-I'm being serious.
-And so am I, son!
198
00:07:19,202 --> 00:07:21,370
Look, [stammers]
199
00:07:21,370 --> 00:07:22,839
If you was doin'
the right thing,
200
00:07:22,839 --> 00:07:25,341
then you ain't got
nothin' to worry about!
201
00:07:25,341 --> 00:07:27,677
Well, what if I wasn't?
202
00:07:27,677 --> 00:07:30,880
Oh, ho, ho, ho!
203
00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:33,583
Then I guess you better go
get your hands on that book
204
00:07:33,583 --> 00:07:35,384
and get in front
of this thing, man.
205
00:07:35,384 --> 00:07:36,452
You know what?
You right.
206
00:07:36,452 --> 00:07:37,353
I'ma read the book.
207
00:07:37,353 --> 00:07:38,521
-Okay.
-Yeah.
208
00:07:38,521 --> 00:07:40,656
Now, Dorinda wants two copies.
209
00:07:40,656 --> 00:07:41,991
Oh!
210
00:07:41,991 --> 00:07:45,361
One for her, and one
for her cuddy buddy.
211
00:07:45,361 --> 00:07:46,929
Ooh, Dorinda have a cuddy buddy?
212
00:07:46,929 --> 00:07:48,598
-Ah-ha.
-Okay, girl!
213
00:07:48,598 --> 00:07:54,170
Look, "Enjoy the jump-offs
214
00:07:54,170 --> 00:07:56,472
while they last."
215
00:07:56,472 --> 00:07:57,940
Cuddy buddy!
216
00:07:57,940 --> 00:08:01,210
I cannot believe that
I am signing autographs!
217
00:08:01,210 --> 00:08:03,146
-[laughs]
-Yes, you are. Yes, you are.
218
00:08:03,146 --> 00:08:06,549
Oh, and now you can make
the next one out to--
219
00:08:06,549 --> 00:08:07,917
-Okay.
-Calvin Payne,
220
00:08:07,917 --> 00:08:10,419
or whoever you named
me in your little book.
221
00:08:10,419 --> 00:08:12,188
Calvin, you're not in the book.
222
00:08:12,188 --> 00:08:14,390
You probably named me
something crazy like "Mister"
223
00:08:14,390 --> 00:08:15,925
or "Ike" or something.
224
00:08:15,925 --> 00:08:18,427
Here, take the book.
Read it!
225
00:08:18,427 --> 00:08:19,796
Gladly.
226
00:08:19,796 --> 00:08:21,330
Are you serious?
227
00:08:21,330 --> 00:08:23,833
Yeah.
228
00:08:23,833 --> 00:08:25,635
Are you sure you
want to do that?
229
00:08:25,635 --> 00:08:27,236
Ms. Ella, it's fine.
230
00:08:27,236 --> 00:08:29,972
He won't find
himself in the book.
231
00:08:29,972 --> 00:08:32,542
He won't even read it.
232
00:08:32,542 --> 00:08:35,344
Even if Calvin is
not in the book,
233
00:08:35,344 --> 00:08:37,880
he's gonna be in the book.
234
00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:40,817
-Okay, I don't understand.
-Miranda...
235
00:08:40,817 --> 00:08:44,554
he's gonna see himself
in every man in this book,
236
00:08:44,554 --> 00:08:47,156
whether it's him or not.
237
00:08:47,156 --> 00:08:50,259
But Ms. Ella, I didn't
write about him.
238
00:08:50,259 --> 00:08:53,462
Miranda, whether you
did or you did not,
239
00:08:53,462 --> 00:08:56,833
he is a man with an ego!
240
00:08:56,833 --> 00:09:00,403
He doesn't wanna be in
the book, but he really does.
241
00:09:00,403 --> 00:09:01,938
I'm so confused.
242
00:09:01,938 --> 00:09:04,707
This male psyche is
a road trip of disappointments.
243
00:09:04,707 --> 00:09:06,108
[Ella laughs]
244
00:09:06,108 --> 00:09:09,412
Oh, you just wait until
that midlife crisis hits.
245
00:09:09,412 --> 00:09:10,980
[Miranda] Oof!
246
00:09:10,980 --> 00:09:12,782
And then you have to wake up
to sleep apnea every night.
247
00:09:12,782 --> 00:09:14,884
Oh, oh, hell no!
248
00:09:14,884 --> 00:09:16,152
-Uh uh!
-What is it?
249
00:09:16,152 --> 00:09:18,321
I'm-I'm the freaky
funeral home director
250
00:09:18,321 --> 00:09:20,489
with the prosthetic leg?
251
00:09:20,489 --> 00:09:22,091
Huh?
252
00:09:22,091 --> 00:09:23,626
Oh, Calvin, you've got me.
253
00:09:23,626 --> 00:09:26,128
Yes, yes, you are
254
00:09:26,128 --> 00:09:30,299
the freaky funeral home director
Ernesto with one leg, mm-hmm!
255
00:09:30,299 --> 00:09:32,101
Ha! I got you.
You hear that, Mama?
256
00:09:32,101 --> 00:09:34,403
You used my name and likeness
without my permission.
257
00:09:34,403 --> 00:09:35,738
That's a lawsuit.
258
00:09:35,738 --> 00:09:37,306
-Don't flatter yourself, Calvin!
-[Ella laughs]
259
00:09:37,306 --> 00:09:38,808
He's lame!
260
00:09:38,808 --> 00:09:40,610
Well, people are
gonna read the book
261
00:09:40,610 --> 00:09:43,779
and think I'm lame, Niranda!
262
00:09:43,779 --> 00:09:46,249
Calvin, it is a novel, baby.
263
00:09:46,249 --> 00:09:48,751
Nobody's gonna
recognize you but you.
264
00:09:48,751 --> 00:09:50,486
Well, that's all that matters.
265
00:09:50,486 --> 00:09:51,787
You know what, Ms. Ella?
266
00:09:51,787 --> 00:09:53,256
Do you need me to help
you get the refreshments
267
00:09:53,256 --> 00:09:54,924
-together in the kitchen?
-Yes, please.
268
00:09:54,924 --> 00:09:56,259
-Okay.
-Yes, please.
269
00:09:56,259 --> 00:09:57,994
Mm-hmm.
270
00:09:57,994 --> 00:09:59,862
Read on, Ernesto.
271
00:10:00,897 --> 00:10:03,566
Baby, stop reading into things.
272
00:10:03,566 --> 00:10:05,167
Stop reading into things, okay?
273
00:10:05,167 --> 00:10:07,803
-Oh yeah, I'ma read into it.
-Stop reading things into it.
274
00:10:07,803 --> 00:10:08,838
I'ma read into it.
275
00:10:09,505 --> 00:10:11,540
Hey, what?
276
00:10:11,540 --> 00:10:14,710
Oh, hell n--
What?
277
00:10:14,710 --> 00:10:15,811
You know what?
278
00:10:15,811 --> 00:10:18,247
Uh huh.
You know what?
279
00:10:20,283 --> 00:10:27,089
[music]
280
00:10:29,367 --> 00:10:30,669
Okay, big man.
281
00:10:30,669 --> 00:10:33,038
Now I want you to show
Mr. Floyd what you got, okay?
282
00:10:35,707 --> 00:10:37,142
-[gasps]
-Wow.
283
00:10:37,142 --> 00:10:38,677
Let me try one more time.
284
00:10:38,677 --> 00:10:39,778
Okay.
285
00:10:39,778 --> 00:10:40,912
Try again.
286
00:10:40,912 --> 00:10:42,047
-Ooh!
-Oh, baby.
287
00:10:42,047 --> 00:10:43,515
He's getting even better.
288
00:10:43,515 --> 00:10:44,783
Uh, better that time.
289
00:10:44,783 --> 00:10:47,218
-Curtis.
-Yes?
290
00:10:47,218 --> 00:10:49,788
I told you it was bad, Floyd.
291
00:10:49,788 --> 00:10:51,623
Well, at least
when he gets grown,
292
00:10:51,623 --> 00:10:53,091
he could become a member of
293
00:10:53,091 --> 00:10:56,795
the Five Blind Boys of Alabama.
294
00:10:56,795 --> 00:10:58,330
He's not blind, Floyd.
295
00:10:58,330 --> 00:10:59,798
[chortles]
296
00:10:59,798 --> 00:11:02,834
Yeess, he is.
297
00:11:02,834 --> 00:11:05,270
He does look that way though.
298
00:11:05,270 --> 00:11:08,106
Look, he's not.
He's just--he's just--
299
00:11:08,106 --> 00:11:10,308
Exceptional, yeah,
that's what it is.
300
00:11:10,308 --> 00:11:14,312
You know, I had a cousin
that had challenges.
301
00:11:14,312 --> 00:11:16,047
Yeeah.
302
00:11:16,047 --> 00:11:18,316
But, you know, thank
goodness she became
303
00:11:18,316 --> 00:11:22,520
a professional scratch-off
ticket player.
304
00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:24,389
Uh, say that again?
305
00:11:24,389 --> 00:11:26,124
Okay, all right,
this what we gonna do.
306
00:11:26,124 --> 00:11:28,860
Since he's kinda
big for his age...
307
00:11:28,860 --> 00:11:30,795
what we're gonna do is, um--
308
00:11:30,795 --> 00:11:34,232
Let's--let's concentrate
on his physicality.
309
00:11:34,232 --> 00:11:35,266
Yeah.
310
00:11:35,266 --> 00:11:36,334
Something.
311
00:11:36,334 --> 00:11:38,436
I can't. I can't.
312
00:11:38,436 --> 00:11:40,739
Uh, okay, you mean
like a bruiser?
313
00:11:40,739 --> 00:11:42,340
Exactly, a bruiser!
314
00:11:42,340 --> 00:11:44,542
See, we had a bruiser
on my kickball team
315
00:11:44,542 --> 00:11:45,844
in Knoxville College,
316
00:11:45,844 --> 00:11:48,246
and what it is, whenever
we need a retaliation,
317
00:11:48,246 --> 00:11:52,784
we send Big Betty out there,
and she would go to work.
318
00:11:52,784 --> 00:11:54,619
-Yup.
-You know what?
319
00:11:54,619 --> 00:11:56,054
-I like that.
-[Floyd] Yeah.
320
00:11:56,054 --> 00:11:57,922
I like that.
Christian--oh, okay!
321
00:11:57,922 --> 00:11:59,090
Oh, that's enough.
322
00:11:59,090 --> 00:12:00,592
-Time out.
-That's enough misses.
323
00:12:00,592 --> 00:12:01,659
Enough misses.
324
00:12:01,659 --> 00:12:02,927
Now, I want you
to grab the ball.
325
00:12:02,927 --> 00:12:04,129
Mm-hmm.
326
00:12:04,129 --> 00:12:05,430
-Floyd, you get over here.
-Okay.
327
00:12:05,430 --> 00:12:06,698
Wait, wait.
328
00:12:06,698 --> 00:12:08,600
Okay.
329
00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:09,534
Bring it down.
330
00:12:09,534 --> 00:12:10,468
All right.
331
00:12:11,603 --> 00:12:12,971
All right.
332
00:12:12,971 --> 00:12:15,173
Can only bring it down
for so long.
333
00:12:16,808 --> 00:12:18,443
Now, look.
334
00:12:18,443 --> 00:12:21,045
In soccer, you can push the ball
with your shoulders, all right?
335
00:12:21,045 --> 00:12:22,847
But not with your
hands, all right?
336
00:12:22,847 --> 00:12:24,282
We good? All right.
337
00:12:24,282 --> 00:12:25,817
So I want you to
take your shoulder
338
00:12:25,817 --> 00:12:28,920
and push Mr. Floyd,
and take the ball.
339
00:12:31,022 --> 00:12:32,323
-Oof!
-Whoo!
340
00:12:34,492 --> 00:12:40,365
[Curtis and Floyd] Goal!
341
00:12:43,968 --> 00:12:45,470
[laughter]
342
00:12:45,470 --> 00:12:47,138
Child!
343
00:12:47,138 --> 00:12:48,807
I almost peed on myself
344
00:12:48,807 --> 00:12:51,876
when the pole dancer
jumps out of the baptismal pool
345
00:12:51,876 --> 00:12:53,711
and started singing Jodeci!
346
00:12:53,711 --> 00:12:56,147
[laughter]
347
00:12:56,147 --> 00:12:59,684
Talking about
Forever My First Lady .
348
00:12:59,684 --> 00:13:01,519
That had me weak!
349
00:13:01,519 --> 00:13:02,754
Whew!
350
00:13:02,754 --> 00:13:04,055
See, you guys get my comedy.
351
00:13:04,055 --> 00:13:05,190
Oh, we got it!
352
00:13:05,190 --> 00:13:07,725
-Ooh, ooh, ooh!
-Hey!
353
00:13:07,725 --> 00:13:08,860
[Group] Hey!
354
00:13:08,860 --> 00:13:10,929
It's the star of the show!
355
00:13:10,929 --> 00:13:13,932
It's Errrnesto!
356
00:13:13,932 --> 00:13:16,000
[laughter, exclaiming]
357
00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:17,969
I was just headed
to the soccer game.
358
00:13:17,969 --> 00:13:19,070
[nervous chuckle]
359
00:13:19,070 --> 00:13:20,371
What's going on here?
360
00:13:20,371 --> 00:13:23,174
Oh, did you forget about
our book club meeting?
361
00:13:23,174 --> 00:13:24,909
Book? Y'all got books?
362
00:13:24,909 --> 00:13:26,411
We got e-books.
363
00:13:26,411 --> 00:13:29,547
Miranda, she lost the
paperback copies, Calvin,
364
00:13:29,547 --> 00:13:32,951
so she was nice
enough to send us all
365
00:13:32,951 --> 00:13:34,986
the electronic versions.
366
00:13:34,986 --> 00:13:36,154
E-books!
367
00:13:36,154 --> 00:13:38,156
Isn't that something, Cuz?
368
00:13:38,156 --> 00:13:42,160
All the evidence--I mean,
books just...vanished.
369
00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:44,562
You know what?
E-books are better anyway,
370
00:13:44,562 --> 00:13:47,065
because, you know,
now I can share it.
371
00:13:47,065 --> 00:13:49,968
Look, everybody's gonna
read about this fool, Er--
372
00:13:49,968 --> 00:13:52,604
-How do you say it?
-Errrnesto!
373
00:13:52,604 --> 00:13:55,073
Look at God, Calvin!
374
00:13:55,073 --> 00:13:57,809
[laughs nervously]
Yeah, won't he do it?
375
00:13:57,809 --> 00:14:00,879
Mm-hmm, won't? He will.
376
00:14:00,879 --> 00:14:02,146
-Everybody got one.
-[Miranda] Yes!
377
00:14:02,146 --> 00:14:05,183
-E-books!
-Yes!
378
00:14:05,183 --> 00:14:07,385
Okay, y'all enjoy
y'all discussion.
379
00:14:07,385 --> 00:14:08,786
We will.
380
00:14:08,786 --> 00:14:09,888
Okay...
381
00:14:09,888 --> 00:14:11,256
-Ooh! Girl.
-[Miranda] Yes.
382
00:14:11,256 --> 00:14:14,626
Girl...why he have a hearse
with 24-inch rims on it?
383
00:14:14,626 --> 00:14:16,060
Mm....
384
00:14:16,060 --> 00:14:19,397
Blasting Shirley Caesar
in a funeral procession.
385
00:14:19,397 --> 00:14:20,598
Right!
386
00:14:20,598 --> 00:14:23,368
Ladies, ladies, ladies,
now you guys know...
387
00:14:23,368 --> 00:14:27,438
big rims, big speakers,
388
00:14:27,438 --> 00:14:29,307
big tires...
389
00:14:29,307 --> 00:14:32,977
Overcompensating for
his shortcomings!
390
00:14:32,977 --> 00:14:34,312
Yes!
391
00:14:34,312 --> 00:14:36,180
Hey, hey, hey, Ernesto
ain't never had
392
00:14:36,180 --> 00:14:37,949
no problems in the bed.
393
00:14:37,949 --> 00:14:39,317
Miranda, tell 'em.
394
00:14:39,317 --> 00:14:41,753
Uh, Calvin, make
yourself useful, baby,
395
00:14:41,753 --> 00:14:43,888
and bring me a tissue.
396
00:14:43,888 --> 00:14:45,657
You-you-you mean,
uh, paper towels?
397
00:14:45,657 --> 00:14:46,958
No, tissues, baby.
398
00:14:46,958 --> 00:14:50,061
We are about to
look at chapter 30.
399
00:14:50,061 --> 00:14:51,563
-Oh, no we're not.
-Mm-hmm...
400
00:14:51,563 --> 00:14:52,664
30!
401
00:14:52,664 --> 00:14:54,299
Oh, no, what happened
in chapter 30?
402
00:14:54,299 --> 00:14:55,600
Ladies, you ready for this?
403
00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:57,735
What happened?
What happened in chapter 30?
404
00:14:57,735 --> 00:15:00,772
I can't believe what
he did to that baby.
405
00:15:00,772 --> 00:15:04,576
What did he--
What did he do to the baby?
406
00:15:04,576 --> 00:15:07,912
Well, you know, I wanted to show
a different kind of tragedy.
407
00:15:07,912 --> 00:15:09,280
And you did!
408
00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:12,350
I mean, who in their
right mind would put a...
409
00:15:12,350 --> 00:15:16,554
put a tattoo on a toddler?
410
00:15:16,554 --> 00:15:19,324
It was the symbolism, though.
The symbolism.
411
00:15:19,324 --> 00:15:21,726
Behind the tattoo?
I can't even talk about that.
412
00:15:21,726 --> 00:15:24,963
He gon' tattoo a baby's
stomach with "Hug Life".
413
00:15:24,963 --> 00:15:26,331
-[Ella] Mm-hmm.
-Wait, wait, wait.
414
00:15:26,331 --> 00:15:30,702
-the same one that 2pac had?
-And spelled it wrong!
415
00:15:30,702 --> 00:15:33,705
I mean, the book is
riddled with typos, but...
416
00:15:33,705 --> 00:15:35,940
the story's so good,
I don't even care!
417
00:15:35,940 --> 00:15:38,042
But listen, was that a typo?
418
00:15:38,042 --> 00:15:39,777
Oh, wait, whoa!
419
00:15:39,777 --> 00:15:41,746
Oh!
420
00:15:41,746 --> 00:15:42,914
Miranda...
421
00:15:42,914 --> 00:15:45,817
So listen...
422
00:15:45,817 --> 00:15:47,185
[sighs]
423
00:15:47,185 --> 00:15:50,888
When Ernesto left
his common law wife,
424
00:15:50,888 --> 00:15:51,923
Rosita Jaquez...
425
00:15:51,923 --> 00:15:53,291
Ja-Ja-quez!
426
00:15:53,291 --> 00:15:54,959
[Miranda] Right?
427
00:15:54,959 --> 00:15:57,362
He needed to have a reminder,
428
00:15:57,362 --> 00:16:03,234
because he knew that he would
never hug his son again.
429
00:16:04,235 --> 00:16:05,203
[exclaiming]
430
00:16:05,203 --> 00:16:06,638
Hug Life!
431
00:16:06,638 --> 00:16:09,307
[exclaiming]
432
00:16:09,307 --> 00:16:11,743
I can't wait 'til they
make this into a movie!
433
00:16:11,743 --> 00:16:13,011
Can I please be in it!?
434
00:16:13,011 --> 00:16:14,646
I'll have an agent by then!
435
00:16:14,646 --> 00:16:15,847
[applause]
436
00:16:15,847 --> 00:16:17,015
I'm so proud of you!
437
00:16:17,015 --> 00:16:20,251
-Thank you.
-Me too.
438
00:16:22,453 --> 00:16:24,122
Wait, wait, Mr. Payne,
what are you doing here?
439
00:16:24,122 --> 00:16:25,890
Calvin just left to meet you.
440
00:16:25,890 --> 00:16:27,992
Oh, well, the game ended early.
441
00:16:27,992 --> 00:16:29,427
What happened?
442
00:16:29,427 --> 00:16:32,497
The referee was a jackass.
443
00:16:32,497 --> 00:16:33,965
Yes.
444
00:16:33,965 --> 00:16:35,233
Thank you, Officer.
445
00:16:35,233 --> 00:16:37,035
No, no, no, we'll take
it from here, yes.
446
00:16:37,035 --> 00:16:40,171
And hey, sorry about your taser.
447
00:16:40,171 --> 00:16:41,639
He's a big boy.
448
00:16:41,639 --> 00:16:43,174
It probably just felt
like a mosquito bite to him.
449
00:16:43,174 --> 00:16:44,609
All right, then. Bye bye.
450
00:16:44,609 --> 00:16:46,144
No, no, no, no.
Wait, wait.
451
00:16:46,144 --> 00:16:47,512
What did you just say?
452
00:16:47,512 --> 00:16:50,415
Uh, well, your son's been
banned from youth soccer.
453
00:16:50,415 --> 00:16:51,482
What y'all got to eat?
454
00:16:51,482 --> 00:16:53,151
Wait, no, no.
Wait, hold on.
455
00:16:53,151 --> 00:16:54,919
What did you just say?
456
00:16:54,919 --> 00:16:56,988
[louder] What y'all got to eat?
457
00:16:56,988 --> 00:16:58,423
No, the other part.
458
00:16:58,423 --> 00:17:01,659
My son has been banned
from youth soccer forever?
459
00:17:01,659 --> 00:17:04,395
No, they'll let him
back out to play again.
460
00:17:04,395 --> 00:17:08,566
Just after he takes a few
anger management classes.
461
00:17:08,566 --> 00:17:09,801
Huh!?
462
00:17:09,801 --> 00:17:11,736
Oh, Miranda, you should've
seen that boy out there.
463
00:17:11,736 --> 00:17:13,571
He was a monster
out on that field!
464
00:17:13,571 --> 00:17:15,506
-You heard me!
-[Floyd] Yeah.
465
00:17:15,506 --> 00:17:17,241
I ain't never seen
that many little kids
466
00:17:17,241 --> 00:17:18,710
just getting flipped up
in the air like that.
467
00:17:18,710 --> 00:17:22,480
I mean, he knocked one girl
completely out of her shoes.
468
00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:23,881
What?
469
00:17:23,881 --> 00:17:27,185
Whoa, did you know he made
five goals in the first half?
470
00:17:27,185 --> 00:17:29,554
Wait, my baby scored
five goals!?
471
00:17:29,554 --> 00:17:30,655
Yeah!
472
00:17:30,655 --> 00:17:31,856
Oh, I'm so proud!
473
00:17:31,856 --> 00:17:33,891
Yeah, but some of 'em
didn't count, though,
474
00:17:33,891 --> 00:17:37,462
because he actually knocked
the goalkeeper's teeth out.
475
00:17:37,462 --> 00:17:38,796
But were they loose?
476
00:17:38,796 --> 00:17:40,398
-Allegedly.
-Well...
477
00:17:40,398 --> 00:17:43,000
Yeah, yeah.
But you know what, though?
478
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:45,269
Heh, after those five goals,
479
00:17:45,269 --> 00:17:47,939
somebody had to blurt
out some obscenities
480
00:17:47,939 --> 00:17:50,041
and call the referee...
481
00:17:50,041 --> 00:17:51,209
[unintelligible]
482
00:17:51,209 --> 00:17:52,210
A what?
483
00:17:52,210 --> 00:17:54,946
[unintelligible]
484
00:17:54,946 --> 00:17:56,247
What did he say?
What did he say?
485
00:17:56,247 --> 00:17:58,282
-[unintelligible]
-Wait a minute, hold on,
486
00:17:58,282 --> 00:18:00,051
you said these things
in front of children?
487
00:18:00,051 --> 00:18:01,652
They've heard worse.
488
00:18:01,652 --> 00:18:05,156
Okay, Mr. Payne,
Mr. Payne, Mr. Payne...
489
00:18:05,156 --> 00:18:07,225
you didn't hit anybody, did you?
490
00:18:07,225 --> 00:18:10,962
Now Miranda, I would not
resort to hitting people
491
00:18:10,962 --> 00:18:12,964
with witnesses around.
492
00:18:12,964 --> 00:18:15,266
Where is my child?
493
00:18:15,266 --> 00:18:17,168
-In the backyard.
-He out there practicing.
494
00:18:17,168 --> 00:18:19,137
Ah, Christian,
honey, come here, baby.
495
00:18:19,137 --> 00:18:20,271
Licking his wounds.
496
00:18:20,271 --> 00:18:22,640
Baby, are you okay?
497
00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:24,375
Yeah, I wanna play football now!
498
00:18:24,375 --> 00:18:25,843
Yes! Yes! Yes!
499
00:18:25,843 --> 00:18:26,978
[Floyd] Good idea.
500
00:18:26,978 --> 00:18:28,412
We gonna do it, and
I'm gonna teach you--
501
00:18:28,412 --> 00:18:30,047
No, no, no, no, no.
502
00:18:30,047 --> 00:18:33,918
I'm gonna teach my son
about the best foot player
503
00:18:33,918 --> 00:18:35,186
that ever lived.
504
00:18:35,186 --> 00:18:36,621
Oh, Jim Brown?
505
00:18:36,621 --> 00:18:37,855
No.
506
00:18:37,855 --> 00:18:39,490
Sweet Feet.
507
00:18:39,490 --> 00:18:41,425
-[Floyd] Sweet Feet...
-Who the hell is that?
508
00:18:41,425 --> 00:18:43,027
You don't know about Sweet Feet?
509
00:18:43,027 --> 00:18:44,195
Never heard of him.
510
00:18:44,195 --> 00:18:45,797
Baby, tell 'em
who Sweet Feet is.
511
00:18:45,797 --> 00:18:47,565
[Christian & Miranda]
Sweet Feet! Sweet Feet!
512
00:18:47,565 --> 00:18:49,700
Sweet Feet! Sweet Feet!
513
00:18:49,700 --> 00:18:52,069
Yeah! Ha!
514
00:18:52,069 --> 00:18:52,904
Sweet Feet.
515
00:18:54,690 --> 00:18:58,026
Thank you for
returning the books.
516
00:18:59,261 --> 00:19:00,896
So Calvin,
517
00:19:00,896 --> 00:19:04,433
do you know how you got
yourself in that book?
518
00:19:04,433 --> 00:19:06,702
Scorned woman with a laptop?
519
00:19:06,702 --> 00:19:07,669
No, no, no.
520
00:19:07,669 --> 00:19:09,972
You put yourself in that book.
521
00:19:09,972 --> 00:19:11,607
How?
522
00:19:11,607 --> 00:19:14,109
You imagined that
you were something
523
00:19:14,109 --> 00:19:16,278
that you were not...
524
00:19:16,278 --> 00:19:18,947
and then you became that thing.
525
00:19:18,947 --> 00:19:22,517
I didn't see myself as a
one-legged funeral director.
526
00:19:22,517 --> 00:19:27,723
You saw yourself being a
victim of a bitter divorce.
527
00:19:28,690 --> 00:19:31,593
-Am I?
-No, you are not.
528
00:19:31,593 --> 00:19:34,630
And neither is he
mother of your child.
529
00:19:34,630 --> 00:19:39,768
You're two people
simply moving forward.
530
00:19:39,768 --> 00:19:42,371
I'm just trying to
live my best life.
531
00:19:42,371 --> 00:19:43,872
[chuckles]
532
00:19:43,872 --> 00:19:46,708
Yet you chose to
identify yourself with
533
00:19:46,708 --> 00:19:50,112
the worst character in the book.
534
00:19:50,112 --> 00:19:52,748
-I did, didn't I?
-Yes, you did.
535
00:19:52,748 --> 00:19:53,982
Come on, baby.
536
00:19:53,982 --> 00:19:58,287
Nobody can love you like
you can love yourself.
537
00:19:58,287 --> 00:20:00,922
So you gotta be good to you.
538
00:20:00,922 --> 00:20:04,192
[laughs]
539
00:20:04,192 --> 00:20:06,695
Mm...Mom, ah,
540
00:20:06,695 --> 00:20:09,631
there's something
I gotta tell you.
541
00:20:09,631 --> 00:20:12,067
What is--
What is it?
542
00:20:12,067 --> 00:20:14,503
Well...hear me out.
543
00:20:14,503 --> 00:20:17,773
Ah, I was playing in the
backyard with Christian,
544
00:20:17,773 --> 00:20:21,009
and he-he trampled
your begonias.
545
00:20:21,009 --> 00:20:24,179
[chuckles]
546
00:20:24,179 --> 00:20:25,480
[Calvin chuckles nervously]
547
00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:27,482
You play too much.
[chuckles]
548
00:20:27,482 --> 00:20:29,618
He was playing soccer,
and he kicked the ball,
549
00:20:29,618 --> 00:20:31,553
and then he kicked the flowers.
550
00:20:31,553 --> 00:20:33,322
He kicked the ball?
[chuckles]
551
00:20:33,322 --> 00:20:35,691
-He kicked the flowers.
-Yeah, yeah.
552
00:20:35,691 --> 00:20:37,259
[laughs]
553
00:20:37,259 --> 00:20:39,061
[Curtis laughs nervously]
554
00:20:39,061 --> 00:20:40,262
Let me get my bat.
555
00:20:40,262 --> 00:20:42,297
-Get-get your bat?
-Mm-hmm. [laughs]
556
00:20:42,297 --> 00:20:45,400
[stammers]
I'ma--I'ma just go.
557
00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:46,735
-[Ella] Stay right here!
-[Calvin] I'ma go!
558
00:20:46,735 --> 00:20:48,270
-[Ella] No, I got a golf club.
-[Calvin] I'ma go!
559
00:20:48,270 --> 00:20:49,471
Come here, Calvin!
560
00:20:49,471 --> 00:20:51,006
Calvin!
561
00:20:51,006 --> 00:20:52,908
[music]
562
00:20:53,475 --> 00:20:54,476
[chuckles]
563
00:20:55,436 --> 00:20:58,940
[music]
564
00:21:24,858 --> 00:21:26,359
[music]
565
00:21:27,093 --> 00:21:28,728
[music]