(phone ringing)
Hello?
KELLY: Hi, Derwin, it's Kelly.
Is Melanie there?
Mel, it's Kelly.
Kelly?
Kelly? What's wrong? It's 3:00 in the morning.
KELLY: Sunbeam emergency.
You know Karen Cahill who lives in your building?
Yeah, the bougie princess
who always pretends she doesn't know me?
You have to let her stay at your place tonight.
-What? -Juvon threw her out of their apartment with nothing.
She didn't even get a chance to grab her contact lenses.
She's crying through her natural eye color.
Karen hates me.
You're the Sunbeam president.
Why can't she stay with you?
Because I'm the Sunbeam president.
Look, it's just until the executive committee can decide
how we can help her.
-But, Kelly, I really don't... -No buts!
There is a Sunbeam out there who needs our help.
We must be swift, we must be steadfast,
we must...
(yawns)
I got the sleepies bad.
-Kelly... -Night, night.
(sighs)
What was that all about?
I agreed to have a girl spend the night with us.
Oh, yeah, sure, when Kelly asks, it's fine.
-Shut up. -(chuckles)
(sobbing)
(sobbing continues)
(sighs)
Karen?
(sniffling): Yeah?
How did you know my name?
It's me, Melanie.
From downstairs?
And the Sunbeam meetings?
Never mind.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'll be fine.
Kelly Pitts is supposed to be sending someone to get me.
Uh, yeah, that would be me.
(sobbing): Oh, God.
Juvon is tripping
'cause I caught a ride home with Damon.
If Juvon had been there,
like his jealous ass was supposed to,
then this whole fallout could have been avoided.
Well, you know how you can get back at him.
Instead of sleeping on this uncomfortable sofa,
you should check into the most expensive hotel suite in town.
Huh?
I can't.
That bastard cut up my credit cards.
(sobbing): And tomorrow's the Michael Kors trunk sale.
I would give you my invitation, but they're all small sizes.
I'm a two.
I know.
Look, um, I have an early class, so good night.
You're in school?
That's right, girl-- be your own woman.
Because you can't trust your lying, punk-ass football player.
Actually, mine's a really good guy.
Because when you moved here,
he looked you deep into your eyes and said "Ma"--
no... "Boo"--
your man looks like the Boo type--
"Boo, I will always have your back."
Well, yeah?
Girl, you need to wake up
and splash some reality on your face.
That's what Juvon told me.
He promised that we would always be together.
And look at me.
Crashing on the faux leather sofa of a stranger.
I'm Melanie.
We partnered in the Sunbeam CPR class.
I gave you mouth-to-mouth.
You gave me mono.
I can't believe I was with that clown for four years
and I never made him put me on his bank account.
What kind of ditzy broad does that?
Even a ho is smart enough to get paid, okay?
But I'm sure a lot of really good girlfriends
don't make that a priority.
A lot of really dumb ones.
Look, don't worry.
I'm sure the Sunbeams will come through for you.
I mean, Kelly, she takes this kind of thing very seriously.
Anyone else want a refill before we talk about Karen?
-Oh, no. -I'm good.
Okay.
Karen Cahill, girlfriend of free safety Juvon Glenn.
Four-year relationship, three of which were live-in.
Put out last night at 2:36 a.m.,
domestic squabble, no hitting.
So, was she able to retrieve any personal effects?
Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah... That's a negative.
The clothes on her back and the thong she rode in on.
-Got it. -Got it.
So, she's requesting the Silver Parachute package:
two-bedroom apartment, new wardrobe
and the new Gucci carryall.
-Oh! -You need to apply for that, girl.
(laughing): Okay?
I know, right.
Okay, now, ladies, remember.
As much as we want to help every Sunbeam in distress,
we have to use the rescue fund judiciously.
So there'll be enough for the next woman
whose man gets cut or injured or caught
with three hookers and two grams of Colombian marching powder.
Now, when you're up on that stand, be strong, girl.
Okay, let's open the floor up for discussion.
So that's it?
She gets nothing?
I'd hardly call the Blue Parachute nothing.
A check for a plane ticket home to her family is very generous.
So you're just going to pack her up and send her home?
That's just cruel.
Why?
Home ain't Iraq, is it?
Sweetie, we might have been more generous,
but I checked, and, sadly, Karen's attendance
at Sunbeam meetings was less than 20%.
Not very Beamy.
And the only benefit she ever attended was
our Halloween Hayride for the Homeless.
Good, 'cause she's going to be needing some friends
out on the street.
Yeah, but I-I still don't think that this is right.
I mean, she gave up her whole life for this guy.
Hey, come on, rookie, don't make her out to be the victim.
Yeah, boy, the gold digger rolled the dice and she lost.
Craps! Next shooter.
Yo, but they were together for, like, four years.
Pause. And?
Man, any girl that's dating a professional athlete is
in it to win it.
That's why you got to hit it before she get it, okay?
Well, yo, yo, check it, man.
I don't even have to worry about that, Big Dog,
because I trust Melanie.
It ain't about whether you trust them.
The only kind of trust that matters is a trust deed
or a trust fund, you dumb bunny.
But is it dumb to trust the man you love?
Is it dumb to believe him when he promises
that he'll be there for you no matter what?
Seriously, I'm asking.
Is it?
I'm going to go out on a limb here, and say that we may need
to start fitting you for a parachute of your own.
Please, I'll never need rescuing.
Oh, good, so you're at least on Derwin's checking account.
Uh...
The credit cards?
Blockbuster card?
Guys, it's not as bad as it sounds, okay?
Even if Derwin and I broke up, which we won't,
he had credit problems in college,
so my name's on the lease for the apartment. I'm good.
No, what you are is thick, licked, and damn tricked.
No, if we ever broke up-- which I reiterate, we won't--
I'd get the place.
And the bill.
How you going to pay $3,000 a month you don't have
and med school, Med School?
What am I supposed to call you then?
Trade School?
Well, actually, I don't pay for school.
I'm sort of on the Derwin Davis Scholarship.
Please tell me you got that in writing?
Why would I? Who does that?
We do.
We don't like it, but, hey, in this world,
relationships are business.
80% of marriages fail.
And y'all just shacking up.
That percent's got to be in the hundreds.
You're exaggerating just to scare me.
No, if I wanted to scare you... I'd do this!
Oh!
Look, we women need to protect ourselves.
The guys protect themselves.
Hell, Jason got me to sign a prenup.
Just slipped it in right after sex.
I slipped it in right after sex.
She's like a dude that way.
You see all that sneaking that's going on over there?
I can't be bothered with all that.
Boy, that's why the only woman to touch my money is my moms.
My mama didn't raise no fool.
I love Malik, but sometime he a damn fool.
That's why I set up the Malik Wright Foundation.
It supports kids with learning disabilities and whatnot...
and me.
What? After all I did for him?
I'll be damned he throw Mama out in the cold.
Wow, you two cats are cold.
You know what, Melanie's not like that, man. We're good.
The only thing not good is that girl sleeping on my damn couch.
You know what? And since you two got so much advice,
can you advise me on how to get Juvon to take Karen back?
(laughter)
Pause it, pause it.
You big dummy.
He ain't taking her back.
That girl is foul.
Man, every time I see her, I see a woman who will do
anything for some money,
with her thong underwear and them tattoos on her ass.
Now give me her number.
You guys think you have Derwin's number,
but he's different.
And I can't ask him to put my name on the account
because of this whole marriage thing.
"Hey, Derwin, I don't want to get married until later,
but I want the money now."
He'll think I'm a gold digger.
Better than being a ditchdigger when he kick your ass out.
Or you could just marry the guy already.
Kelly! I'm not ready to get married.
And that doesn't solve everything.
It'll solve the problem of you being out on your ass,
like that hard-up heifer Karen.
Do you even know how much money your man has?
No, because it doesn't matter.
Derwin and I are forever.
Well, you better hope so,
because with all your financial obligations
and little snooty attitude and them little frown lines,
you ain't exactly a prize anymore.
See, right there, frown lines.
Derwin, I'm home!
Hmm...
Oh...
Oh, hey, you're home.
What's up, Boo? All right, talk to me.
How'd it go at the Beamers? Is Sleeping Booty off our sofa?
Uh, yeah, tomorrow.
They gave her a plane ticket home.
-That's what's up. -What are you doing?
I'm going to grab an apple.
Wouldn't you rather have sex?
Can't I have both?
(laughs)
So, why is my checkbook in the pudding?
Pudding? We have pudding?
Oh!
(laughs)
Mmm.
That's not pudding, it's mousse.
(sighs)
Derwin, I'm sorry.
I was just curious about our finances,
but I-I didn't want you to think I was snooping.
Come on, Mel, why didn't you just ask me?
Well, because you were gone.
And you didn't think I was ever coming back?
Well, I don't know.
(sighs)
Um, Karen's totally broke
because Juvon didn't put her name
on any of their accounts.
(scoffing): Well, that's them, Mel.
I know, but come to think of it, it's us, too.
Baby, my name's not on anything, either.
Um, that's because I thought
everything would work itself out once we got married.
Right, I get that.
Yeah.
Would you like me
to put your name on the account?
-Thank you. -All right.
Would you hurry up?
I don't want to be here when Juvon gets back.
Just don't let me forget my cookbooks.
You cook?
I was accepted
to the Culinary Institute in Miami.
But guess who got drafted by San Diego?
Yeah, well, you're preaching to the choir.
I sacrificed Johns Hopkins to be here for Derwin.
John Hopkins.
What team does he play for?
Never mind.
I gave up everything for this clown.
I'm sorry.
Um, we...
Aren't we just taking your stuff?
We are.
That's my deposit for a new apartment.
And this is my first year's tuition.
And this is for some shoes, maybe a bag.
Karen.
He owes me, Madeline.
It's Melanie.
Mel-a-nie.
Melanie.
-(door opens) -MAN: Let's roll.
DERWIN: Yes, sir.
Yo, man, good lookin' out on the pizza.
Yeah, no doubt.
Uh, D, you, uh, want to check in
with your girl before we hit the strip club?
No, man.
Melanie told me to talk to you.
She didn't say where, dog.
Know what I mean?
-(men laughing) -JUVON: That's what I'm talking about.
-I'm gonna get my license. -Yeah.
D, this is exactly the stress-free night I need.
-Mm-hmm. -Strippers.
Yes, sir.
JUVON: You see, you never have to worry
about them using you and bouncing.
It's a reciprocal business, my brother, and I likes that.
So that's why you didn't put Karen on your accounts, man?
You thought she'd leave you?
JUVON: D, I'm not about to trick
and slide her in on my account.
How many touchdowns did she score?
None.
So why should I let her get full run of my loot?
-Oh. -Dude, come on.
No matter how lovey- dovey they act,
all they want is our money.
Not Mel. All she wants is a clean pair of drawers.
Is this a joke to you?
I...
I mean, does she... does your girl ever talk to you
about what she's sacrificed for you?
Ooh, man, does she.
JUVON: And...
weren't you all supposed to get married?
Uh, nah, well, you know,
uh, Melanie wants to wait a while.
Oh, yeah.
Dude, how do you know she's really in love with you
and not just using you to get to a higher-paid player?
DERWIN: Nah, I don't know, J.
Melanie's not like that, man.
She doesn't even like football.
Oh, well, then what was up with that thing
with her in the newspaper with Trey Wiggs?
Yeah, my manager Irv said the same thing.
Hmm, yeah.
Well, now me and Irv said it.
Let's roll.
(door closing)
So, does Derwin have any jewelry?
Not enough to get me back to Johns Hopkins.
That John must have really put it on you, girl.
Hey.
What's up, Boo?
Hey, look what I got.
Mocha-choco-latte.
Yummy.
Um, did you happen
to get it from the place by the bank?
Oh, yeah, the bank.
You know what, baby, I didn't have time to make it over there.
By the time I was finished with Juvon, it was way too late.
Oh, okay.
Well, I guess you can get it tomorrow?
Mmm.
Yo, this ice cream is good as hell.
Baby, you need to grab a scoop.
Oh, well, I'll just get a bite of yours.
Boo, I bought a whole pint.
Yeah, but I just want a bite.
Seriously, Mel, I don't want to share.
Well, at least you're being honest about it.
What?
Oh, come on, Derwin.
You didn't go to the bank
because you don't want to put my name on the accounts.
Damn, Mel, I just don't want to share my ice cream.
Oh, don't bother lying, Derwin.
Karen and I were hiding in the hallway
when you and Juvon were having
your sexist little bonding moment.
You don't trust me, do you?
Well, not now that I know
you go around hiding in hallways eavesdropping.
And, Mel, don't put this back on me.
You didn't trust me first.
-No. No. -Or you wouldn't have
been sneaking peeks at my checkbook.
No, no, Derwin, that's not true.
The proof was in the pudding, Mel!
The proof was in the pudding!
It was mousse.
And while we're on the subject,
there's a $50,000 deposit that I knew nothing about.
Where did it come from, Derwin?
Where did it come from?
Oh, I see. You think I'm holding out on you.
Oh, I don't know what to think anymore.
Boo, it was my incentive money for my contract,
which I told you about before I first signed it.
But, you know, you don't listen to me when I'm in front of you.
Only when you're hiding behind walls.
Yeah, well, it wasn't my fault.
I had to hide, or you would have known I was helping Karen steal.
You were out here stealing?
Woman, you done changed.
No, you've changed, Derwin.
-No. You. No. You, Mel. -No. You. No. You.
-Don't tell me I've changed. -You, yeah, you've changed.
I want everything you stole back, or I'm calling the feds.
Call 'em, and I'll make sure to tell them
where your glaucoma medicine is stashed.
The only thing I took from your sorry ass was my clothes.
She's my witness.
Girl, I know you took my chain.
You're gonna do some real time.
Jail would be way better than living with your cheap ass.
You know, if you had bought me a decent whip,
like the turbo-charged Range Rover
with metallic dash that I asked for,
instead of that cheap piece of crap that's in the shop now,
I wouldn't have to be riding home with Damon.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
When did a Beamer become a cheap piece of crap?
And it's only in the shop 'cause you wrecked it
trying to run me over,
talking about I was flirting with the meter maid.
You were!
I know that wasn't a roll of quarters in your pocket!
You know what? Forget all that.
You took that ride to get at me!
How could you do this to me?
Ain't nobody doing nothing to you.
You are just putting me through all of these...
Are you crying?
(voice breaking): It's just that...
...you cut me deep, yo.
I mean, now what, Damon's going to get a chance to beat it up?
Oh, baby.
You know you're the only one I let pound on me.
Hey, okay, you know what?
Thanks for stopping by.
Damn, girl.
Did that booty get bigger overnight?
Okay, thanks for stopping by.
I think that booty deserves a new ride.
-Really? -MELANIE: Wait.
That's it? After all this?
Girl, what happened to putting your name on the accounts?
Well, that's all good, but I'm getting me a Rover.
Oh.
Thanks for putting me up...
Just get out of my life, and we'll call it even.
Later, dude.
All right, J, be good.
Whoa.
Okay, uh, Boo, I am putting you on the account.
No, don't, Derwin.
-Mel, I... -Derwin, we're fine.
Just like we were fine
before these two landed in our lives.
No, baby, I'm gonna do it, all right?
'Cause I do not want to end up like them.
Derwin, we won't.
I'm not going to let this world keep messing with us.
We know who and what we are to each other,
and what our goals are.
Derwin, I didn't ask you to put me on the accounts
when I decided to move here to be with you,
and I don't need to do it now.
I'm fine.
We're fine.
All right, but if you ever change your mind, baby,
you got to come out and let me know, all right?
'Cause from this point on,
everything is gonna be on the up-and-up.
Okay.
Mm.
So, um, at the strip club, did you get a lap dance?
Hey, Mel, you know, let's start this from tomorrow.
Mm-hmm.
Okay? It's just a cleaner start.
It's a cleaner start.