(laughter)
Michael Jackson's fingertips.
MALIK: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Listen up, y'all.
Listen, listen. Seriously.
Now I know we didn't get as far
as we wanted to this season, but, y'all,
we still had a damn good year.
(all agreeing)
Right?
And next year, we all going to have rings.
Oh!
Well, except those y'all who get cut...
or fail your drug test or get stabbed by your baby's mama.
(laughing)
I'm just saying.
Tomorrow's not promised, y'all.
But my $40 million contract is!
No, seriously, y'all.
Tonight, dinner's on me.
(cheering and applause)
JASON: I don't mean to steal your thunder, dude,
but the bill's been taken care of.
By who?
By my man.
Oh, we better check outside for raining frogs,
'cause this may be the apocalypse.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm aware I have a certain reputation
for being fiscally responsible.
-Tightwad. -Cheap.
ALL: Cheap.
All right, all right, I know, I know, I know,
and I'm proud of it.
But somebody made me realize that every once in a while
it's nice to show a little appreciation.
Personally, I would have appreciated it
if some of you hadn't ordered double desserts-- Bob.
Sabers!
ALL: Sabers!
All right...
Before we wrap this up,
I got a little presentation to make.
The first annual... (imitates fanfare)
Pittsey Awards.
Yes, yes.
honoring individuals
for outstanding achievement both on and off the field.
First up...
to the rookie
who went from head up his ass
to tearing up the grass.
The "Drop It Like It's Hot" Award goes to...
Derwin Dav...?
Is there a Derwin?
Right here.
(imitates dog barking)
That's my man, that's my man.
First of all, I'd like to thank God
for making all things possible.
Big ups, G.
And to the girl I couldn't have done this without.
Dionne. Where she at?
I'm just playing, Mel.
Yeah, it's all kicks and giggles until somebody gets shot.
Yeah.
DERWIN: No, but seriously, seriously, seriously...
Thanks for making me shine, Boo.
Yeah, yeah, enough of that, okay.
Oh, "The Most Likely to Cry at the Drop of a Hat" Award--
Bob, you're up, my man.
Bobby!
Oh, oh, and now for a very special award.
"The Most Likely to Open For Kevin Federline" Award...
goes to our M.C.Q.B. Malik Wright!
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
When I'm a real rapper,
I'm gonna have Melanie come back and shoot all y'all.
(ring tone playing hip-hop)
Who 'dis?
Babe, you're a hit.
You were right-- I should have done this a long time ago.
Don't you feel like king and queen of prom night?
I will once I get you in the back of that limo.
Hey, y'all, guess what superstar quarterback
gonna be getting his lei on in Hawaii?
I made the All-Star Game... again!
(cheering)
Yeah, boy!
(ring tone playing "Moon River")
I bet that's your agent with your call.
Yep.
Hang on a second, Bernie.
Uh, bottles of Dom for everyone.
Oh, I must be drunk.
You know what, I'm gonna put it on speakerphone
so you can hear what you have
to look forward to someday, rookie.
Go ahead, Bernie.
Yeah, bad news, J.
You didn't make the All-Star Game this year.
(muffled laugh)
Wow, J, that speaker is really clear.
What kind of phone is that?
Relax, Kel, they obviously counted the votes wrong.
Can't get a presidential election right.
You think they can't mess up an All-Star Game?
I'll have Bernie call
the Commissioner's office in the morning,
get it all straightened out.
I'm sure you're right, babe.
But in the off chance you didn't make it
because voters, you know,
completely lost their minds or something,
you want to talk about it?
I've made it the last six years in a row.
I had a great season. Nothing to talk about.
Except how much fun you, me and Brittany
are going to have in Hawaii.
And this year we're going to do it up right.
Instead of flying straight home right after the game,
we're going to have us a real family vacation,
stay the whole weekend, huh, hmm?
(laughing)
You coming up?
In a sec.
I just need to add "bikini wax" to my to-do list.
Oh, me, too.
Tasha.
TASHA: Hey, girl.
He still in denial?
Totally.
I don't know what to do.
He's convinced it's a clerical error.
Well, honey, I'm sorry, me and Malik feel real bad about it.
(fireworks exploding)
Are you shooting off fireworks?
Uh... no.
(explosions continue)
What just exploded over my house?
Maybe Jason shot himself.
You better go check.
Malik, would you stop celebrating
right over Jason's house.
Jason had his day, Ma.
This game is for the players the fans want to see.
Like your boy.
That's true, baby.
-Only the créme de la créme. -Yeah.
And Tasha Mack Management is gonna be there in Hawaii
to skim the créme off the top.
What?
You know I've been wanting to get more clients,
and this is the perfect opportunity.
There'll be so many top athletes in one place,
it's going to be like shooting fish in a barrel.
Bad way to fish, Ms. Mack.
Uh, Ma, I don't think
you should go this year.
You got a lot to do around here.
I still ain't heard about my spot on MTV Cribs
or my cameo on CSI.
And I got some packages coming.
I need you here to sign for them.
Malik, I got a cell phone.
And the Pitts can take your packages.
They ain't going nowhere.
So what's really going on here now?
Tee Tee, you know something?
I don't want you taking on any other clients.
It's a conflict of interest.
And you know how out of control selfish I am.
Now, you're just going to have to deal with that.
I make the deals around here,
Malik El Debarge Wright.
And that is one that I am not signing off on.
Geez, Kel.
You got the place lit up
like a damn boat show.
Oh, 70 degrees?
If you're that cold, close the refrigerator.
-I just opened it. -And why you need
all that light in there? What, you planning on reading?
It wasn't a mistake, was it, J?
No, no, it wasn't.
The mistake was opening up the voting to the dumb-ass fans.
You're right.
What do they know?
Sorry I don't have a sexy end zone dance.
Yeah, forget them if they don't get how sexy the robot is.
Nobody breaks it and fixes it like you do.
Oh, my God-- is that how I look?
Screw the fans.
We're going to go on a family vacation anyway.
Grand Canyon, Mount Rushmore.
I'm sure Brittany would love to tour the wine country.
We're not going on vacation.
Kelly, we may never go anywhere again.
I got to regroup, focus on my game
instead of letting you talk me into spending
thousands of dollars on vacations and dinners and...
store-bought apples.
You're wasting the whole yard out there growing roses.
When was the last time you ate a rose, Kel?
Jason, I know you're upset.
But try to remember how good you felt last night
celebrating with our friends.
And what the hell were we celebrating?
That we didn't make the championship?
That we lost the playoffs?
I didn't even play in all the playoffs.
I left halfway through a game
to go see you in the hospital.
So what is this, my fault?
It wasn't my robot dance.
What are you saying?
I'm saying no more luxuries around here.
What luxuries?
Wha...?
Bottled water?
No, from now on it's tap.
And speaking of tap,
no more dance lessons for Brittany.
No, she can robot like the rest of us.
This was a great idea.
Yeah, girl, you know how I do.
Well, you know how I like to get done.
(egg timer dings)
Oops! Time's up, Mel.
Just-just five more minutes, please.
No! I promised I'd help
keep you focused on your studies.
Five minutes? Girl, please.
(knocking on door)
Whoever that is, I'm going to get rid of them.
Kelly. Melanie can't play right now.
She has homework.
Melanie, I really need to talk to you.
Kelly, did you not hear me?
I haven't had any good gossip all day.
Can't I just get five minutes' worth?
You got three minutes, woman.
Then it's back to the books, Mel.
Hey, uh...
Med School, I need to talk to you.
Kelly Pitts, what are you doing here?
I've been looking all over for you.
I need your advice.
I have been looking for you.
I need yours.
So wait. Nobody really wanted to talk to me?
Girl, now, you know you're the last resort.
KELLY: Come on.
We need wine for this.
Boo, why don't you just put them out?
'Cause it's obvious you're not needed here.
Jason's past denial.
Now he's blaming me.
MELANIE: Come on. Please?
I think it's really going to be good.
Okay, fine. I'm gonna go to the comic book store.
But if it's good, you best be sharing.
None of this girlie, Sunbeam,
keep it in the circle, I got my period crap.
I can't go back to living cheap again.
Oh, girl, I'm so tired
of repeating myself.
Okay, now, as usual, you got to stick to your guns.
You can't take one step forward,
and then two steps back.
Stop letting that man run your life.
Hell, I'm just going to make you a tape.
So, catch me up. What did I miss?
It'll all be on the tape.
So my turn.
I told Malik I wanted to get more clients.
He told me he don't want me to have any other clients but him.
Now, I don't want to lose Malik as a client,
but if I wait until his career
is on the downhill slide like Jason's...
Tasha, too soon.
Well, I'm just saying.
Look, if I don't build my business now,
it might be too late for me to even have a career.
What do I do?
-Well... -Wait, wait, wait.
I think I got this one.
No, I've got nothing.
Now you see why we don't come see you?
I do.
I really do.
Tasha, you and I are both going to take your advice.
We're going to stick to our guns,
and we're not going to let men run our lives.
Hear! Hear!
And not only that.
We, as women, have to...
Damn!
Just clean up when you're done.
I've seen the light.
I am not going back to living in the Dark Ages.
No more rinsing out paper towels
or refrying refried beans.
I am sorry you didn't make the All-Star game,
but I have tasted real crab,
and I am done with crab with a "K."
I can't be the woman I used to be.
And I need you to be the man you were last night.
(sighs)
Those two people, plus their daughter,
need a vacation.
Time together.
To reconnect.
Because, if this team falls apart, it will...
Jason...
This isn't just about not making the All-Star game.
Kelly, it's about what that means.
It's the end of my damn career.
-Don't worry, baby. -What am I...?
Without football, what am I going to do?
What am I going to do, Kelly?
It's going to be okay.
If I could just have three more solid years,
I swear I... I could walk away with no regrets.
Sweetie, it's football.
No one knows how long they're going to have.
Yeah, maybe not, but,
at 31, you know, I'm on the downside.
Okay, so maybe you are,
But if you start mourning your career before it's over,
you're going to cheat yourself
out of enjoying all the years you have left.
We have left.
Babe, we have to start thinking about the future.
We can't be living like kings.
We got a daughter to put through college.
Retirement. You know how much those retirement homes cost?
With our luck,
we'll probably live to be 80.
Hell, you're white. You'll probably live longer.
Jason, we could live to 180,
and we'd still have plenty of money.
But if...
going back to saving
is going to make you happy,
then that's what we'll do.
Only thing that would make me happy
is if I could play football long enough
to get a ring. I...
Then my career would mean something, you know?
I'd definitely make it to the Hall of Fame.
You may still get those things.
But one thing you're sure to have is a family.
Me and Brittany.
We're your legacy.
(fireworks exploding)
I hate those guys.
Okay, you're on the list.
Magic, Cookie.
All right.
Man, where these people get these names from?
Tee Tee, what the hell?
What list?
And where you getting magic cookies?
Oh, it's nothing, man. Don't concern yourself.
What?
(phone rings)
Who 'dis?
Michael Vick is RSVPing to what, now?
Yeah, I'll tell him.
That's Michael Vick plus one? Cool.
Ma!
Tee Tee, why wouldn't you tell me
Ma's throwing a party in Hawaii?
Look, she made me sign a nondisclosure agreement
with Tasha Mack Management.
I've already said too much.
-Ma? -Hmm?
I told you I didn't want you to go to Hawaii.
Now you're going, and you're throwing a party?!
It's actually more of a luau.
Do you know what nondisclosure means?
Yeah, and you spelled it wrong.
Why are you defying me, Ma?
I put my foot down!
Look, I am throwing a party in Hawaii to raise my profile.
Now, I'm sorry you don't want to share me,
but you got to stop being so selfish and grow up.
And if you ever put your foot down like that again,
you better be saving me from a roach.
Ease up on him, Ms. Mack.
There are undercurrents of which you are unaware.
Damn it, Tee Tee, shut up!
And mind you own business.
Man, I was just... You know what?
I can't be caught between you two anymore.
It's tearing me apart.
What undercurrents is he referring to, Malik?
Don't make me say it, Ma.
I said, what undercurrents?
Okay.
Look.
Big-name athletes want big-time managers.
They don't want you.
They're going to laugh at you behind your back.
So what? Now you don't believe in me?
I do believe in you, Ma.
I just don't want you to get your feelings hurt.
Baby.
My water broke at the prom.
I have suffered the slings and arrows.
Ma, I'm telling you, if they're dogging you,
I'm going to want to fight them.
Baby, you don't have to fight anybody.
People are always going to laugh at you
when you try and do better.
Oh, like when I took that oil painting class?
Don't help me, baby.
Just let Mama talk.
Now, look.
People laughed at me when I was a single mom
telling them that I was going to raise my baby to be a star.
But I did that.
I'm going to do this, too.
So all them little haters can kiss my black ass.
Our black ass.
I love you, Ma.
I love you, too, baby.
I wish Daddy could have stopped crying long enough
to come see my game.
As soon as Daddy's allergies clear up,
I'm sure he'll come see all your games.
I thought Daddy was crying because of the All-Star...
Oh, here. Suck on this, honey.
I don't want you getting too dehydrated
after your big game.
We don't need the pity eyes, okay? Jason's fine.
Contract year can be stressful.
Not for us.
(horn honks)
Excuse me. You ladies need a ride?
(laughs)
Oh, my God.
You sold the house!
Jason...
even when it really is time for us to retire,
I am not...
This, Jason, will never work for me.
It's not a retirement home.
Okay, you were right.
I need to... I need to forget about football for a while.
And we need to reconnect.
So hop in.
The Pitts are going on vacation.
(horn honks)
But we're not even packed.
Don't worry about it.
We'll hit up an outlet mall on the way.
You can go crazy!
Come on, Brit!
Let's go!
Are you really up for this?
As long as we're together,
I'm up for anything, baby.
Me, too, Daddy?
You bet, Brit Brat.
All right, now, hold tight.
I don't really know how to drive this thing.
So where are we going?
Yellowstone, Yosemite?
Wine country?
I was kind of thinking maybe Canton, Ohio.
Ohio?
Why?
No reason.
KELLY: Wait, isn't the Football Hall of Fame in Canton?
JASON: Is it?