(door closes)
Here's your creatine.
Sorry I'm late.
Vitamin Barn wasn't open yet,
so I had to run across the border real quick.
It was actually 20 pesos cheaper.
Well, way to shop for the bargain, babe,
but guess who had to drive Brittany to school.
No one. And you know what they call
a girl without an education?
Yeah. Paris Hilton.
Jason.
Playoffs, Kel. Get with it.
Oh! And what's this?
I don't know.
Why, it's a confirmation
from The Four Seasons for my parents.
Oh, great. They're confirmed.
No, no, not great. I'm not paying for this.
What are you thinking?
Well, I would have pitched a tent for them,
but I know how you fuss about the lawn.
Come, on Jason, The Four Seasons
is the only place that they like to stay.
Of course it is. My dad's always happier
if he can waste my money.
You know, he wanted to fly out here first class.
I put a bullet in that quick.
Cancel this-- they're staying here.
Babe, you know your mother doesn't like me.
Kel, the woman hasn't liked you for seven years.
What's one more weekend?
The last thing we need during playoffs is to have
the person that stresses you out the most,
the person who stresses me out the most,
staying in the guest room right next to us.
Well, that's right.
I didn't even think about that.
See, that's why we're a team.
So keep The Four Seasons?
Oh, no. Just tidy up the guest room
at the end of the hall.
(sighs)
Yeah.
This is basically just a little feather dust.
(sighs)
When you said come over for cocktails,
I should have known it was a trap.
I would have come to help regardless.
You didn't need a trap.
Eww... Is that a trap?
Oh, that's Brittany's ant farm.
White folks'll make a pet out of anything.
No. No. No-no-no-no-no!
What is that, a stain?
Oh, great, Jason's mom's gonna see a stain.
A stain will lead to a look, which leads to ridicule,
which leads to judgment, which always leads back
to my trailer park upbringing.
You grew up in a trailer park?
No. I grew up in a tract house in Reseda.
You say that like it's better.
It might be.
Girl, just paint over it.
TASHA: Oh, and while you at it,
paint over your child's Picasso, too.
What?
Oh!
Brittany! Oh, this isn't happening.
Well... I guess we're just gonna have to paint the whole room.
We?
Ha!
Oh, I-I'm sorry.
You must have me confused with the Tasha Mack
who jumped in the back of your car at Home Depot.
Tasha!
Kelly! You're not the only one
who has folks coming in for the playoffs.
I got Junie and them, P.J.,
Deshaun, Marquise, DeQuan and Ted.
Until you got to Ted, I didn't know
you were talking about people.
Point is, I'm putting them all up at the hotel
just like you should be doing with Jason's parents.
Well, it's moot because Jason wants his parents to stay here.
And once again, you do all the work.
I keep telling you.
You need to tell Jason what you want.
I know, I know...
Find your voice, girl.
Find your voice.
You guys think I don't try. I do.
He just doesn't seem to hear me.
Well,
in that case,
find your paint brush.
Find your paint brush.
Can you believe her?
I know.
This is more of a roller job.
Good luck, girl.
Yo, rook.
-What's up? -Today's your lucky day.
I know, man.
Making it to the playoffs
my first season in the league-- whoo!
I am truly blessed.
Yeah. Whatever.
I need a practice partner.
-Practice for what? -Practice rubbing lotion on my ass.
Look, meet me on the field at 10:00 tonight.
Did you say tonight?
Yeah. Is that a problem?
No! No, no.
I'll be there.
Hey, you was just kidding about that lotion thing, right?
Kel, what... Ooh.
Why'd you get out of bed, baby?
Oh, I'm sorry, babe.
Did I wake you?
No. Actually, it's Mr. Peepers.
He's, uh, looking for Madame Wu.
Jason, I have to get this painting done.
Are you speaking for Madame Wu?
Mm...
Jason.
Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
You can finish this tomorrow.
Mmm...
Mr. Peepers... has spoken.
(Kelly laughs)
(sighs)
Oh, God.
(sighs)
KELLY: You'll be staying here.
I hope you like it.
See how we lugging
this stuff up here?
That's why God invented limos.
And drivers.
Oh, I didn't mind picking you up.
Mmm.
A limo would have been on time.
Sorry.
I had to stop three places
to find that favorite barbecue sauce of yours.
Oh, sugar, I am in no mood
for my son's half- price street meat.
And where is Brittany?
I'm dying to see my grand-baby.
Brittany?
-Mm-hmm. -Yeah.
Where is she?
Yeah.
She's at her friend Lindsay's house.
Where I arranged with Lindsay's parents,
Martha and Max,
wonderful people, who agreed to keep her
until I picked her up,
which is what I'm going to go do... now.
I'm really so sorry, Mrs...
I don't get paid enough for this.
Whatever.
This is embarrassing.
School ended two hours ago.
I know, baby. Hold on.
Can we please just talk about something else?
Well, I'm just saying, it sure is taking her
a long time to find her own child.
-Mmm. -At a friend's house.
Now, you know she lost that girl.
Yeah.
Got my grandbaby wandering around
-like some Brazilian glue-huffer. -Mom.
You'd think Kelly'd at least be a good mom.
She's got nothing else to do.
Not everybody can be you, Mom.
You really set the bar high.
THOMAS: Look, boy.
When I won the championship, I didn't have
all these distractions.
I mean, I was focused.
If Kelly can't handle things around here,
then you ought to hire some help.
JASON: Dad, she doesn't want help!
She likes doing things herself.
Well, what was she thinking
putting us in a room full of paint fumes?
-Yeah! -Jason...
she's trying to kill us.
-Mom! -Yeah.
-Book us a hotel. -No!
What?!
Well, why don't you have
that lazy wife of yours doing it?
She's not doing anything else.
JASON: I'm not paying for a hotel.
You can... waste your own money.
How you going to tell me how to spend my money?
Living in a $4-million-house
with cheap-ass wine and gas station toilet paper.
Hey!
We're back!
-Hey! -Grandma! Grandpa!
Lookie here.
All right! Ha-ha.
MARIA: There's that little cold nose.
(grandparents laughing)
(phone ringing)
Hello.
Boy, where the hell you at?
We got practice.
Again?
Dawg, it's almost midnight.
Boy, I don't care.
Hustle your butt.
Melanie, wake up.
Malik mentioned my butt again.
Should I be worried?
Jason.
We need to talk.
Is the house on fire?
-No, but... -Home invasion?
-No. -Somebody dying?
Kind of.
Good. Then it can wait till after playoffs.
Wait.
Who's dying?
Nobody.
You're right.
It can wait until after playoffs.
My room stinks like paint.
Well...
Get in, sweetie.
We'll have a little slumber party.
You know who had a slumber party? Aubrey.
Kelly.
Come on, Brit.
Let's go have our slumber party downstairs.
Yeah!
Good night.
All right, run a skinny post on "yo mama."
Set! Yo mama!
DERWIN: Ow!
No, come on, man!
Boy, you gotta get your hands up quicker.
I can't see the cotton-picking lines.
You don't need to see the cotton-picking lines.
All you need to know are the routes,
which you should know in your sleep.
Then let me get some sleep, man.
We've been out here every night this week, Malik.
The game's tomorrow. If you don't have it by now,
then you ain't gonna have it.
What you just say, rookie?
You saying I don't have it?
Boy, I got it.
Y'all ain't gonna blame me if we lose tomorrow.
Now, get your narrow ass out there and catch this ball.
Hey, Malik. Whoa, hold on a second.
Is that what this is about?
Huh? You think we're gonna blame you if we lose?
Dawg, I ain't up for no Dr. Phil moment.
Go on.
(panting)
Malik, man.
You're one of the best quarterbacks I've ever seen.
All you gotta do tomorrow is go out there and do your thing
and we'll win.
And in some small chance we don't, then hell,
we can blame the defense.
Just don't want to let anybody down.
You won't.
You're all right, Derwin.
What?
You just called me "Derwin."
(laughing)
Yeah.
Now, let's get some sleep.
(sighs)
(moans)
Whoa, Kel, what's going on?
My bag's not ready yet?
I told you I wanted to get to the stadium early.
You're slipping, baby, you're slipping.
Um!
Did you put this through the blender?
I didn't want to wake Brittany.
Oh, I'm sorry, is Brittany
playing in a football game today?
It's teamwork, Kelly, teamwork.
It's the only way this can work.
I can't drink this.
-Sorry. -It's okay.
I'll give you a chance to make it up to me.
You can, uh... wear your hair curly to the game for good luck.
That's an all-day project.
I still have to drop
your parents tickets off at their hotel,
get Brittany ready and take her over to Kimmy's
and then I have to come back...
That all sounds great, Kel,
but I need the curls, got to have the curls,
can't win without the curls. Can I get the curls?
Curls it is.
Give me one.
Love you.
ANNOUNCER: Everyone please rise for the National Anthem.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, I'm not there yet.
Sung by song stylist Miss Patti LaBelle.
Oh, thank God.
That'll give me an extra 30 minutes.
The pass is caught by Pitts on the five...
and it's a touchdown!
(cheering)
That's my boy.
See how he held 'em off with the shoulder?
I taught him that. That's a Pitts maneuver.
Where's Kelly? I can't believe she's missing this.
I know. It's so not like her.
It's exactly like her
to miss the most important day of Jason's life.
No disrespect, Mama Pitts, but the Kelly I know
would go through hell and high water
for that son of yours,
so I don't know who you're talking about.
And you are?
She's Tasha.
And I'm nobody.
(phone ringing)
Oh!
(sobbing)
Tasha, I'm worried. Kelly's not answering.
She probably ran back to white folks.
She can't put up with all this.
I think we should go over there.
Maybe you're right.
(phone ringing)
(sobbing)
(cheering)
Yo, Pitts.
You're playing good out there.
A couple of things.
Sell that hitch a little harder
-and don't push off, the refs are watching. -Yes, sir.
And oh, yeah, your wife's in the hospital.
What?
She's okay-- I don't think
it's anything serious, she just collapsed.
What? What? My wife what?
I'll have a car ready for you
as soon as the game's over.
Look, don't worry, dawg.
We'll dedicate your next touchdown to Kelly.
I gotta go, dude.
-I gotta go. -No! What the hell are you talking about, man?!
You just going to bitch out on us in the middle of a game?
Dawg, this is the playoffs.
Bitch out? We're talking about my wife, Malik.
You do what you got to do, son.
You sure this is what you got to do?
Yeah.
You just gonna walk out, man?
So I've just been riding the rookie's ass
all week for nothing?
Can we just please leave my ass out of this?
Too bad, Davis. I was going to put you in for Pitts,
but if you don't want to play...
Oh, hell no!
I mean, Coach, my ass is all yours.
I'm in the game, y'all!
(whoops)
Yeah, Coach!
KELLY: Thank you.
Tash, hand me my clothes.
We might still be able to make the game.
Girl, lay your butt down. You ain't going nowhere.
Kelly...
even though you just had an anxiety attack,
its important for you to stay put
so the doctors can monitor you... stat.
I'm sorry, I just always wanted to say that.
You know what I always wanted to say?
Your husband is an ass...
Tasha!
We said we were going to be constructive.
I don't have time to tiptoe around the issues.
I'm tired of this.
Look, while the nurse was finding your vein,
we made a list of your issues on the back of your EKG,
so you can address them with Jason.
Read it, Tasha.
Number one--
no more wind-up cars.
Y'all can afford gas.
Number two...
Thanks, guys.
But I know exactly what I'm going to say.
"Jason, I'm hiring a lawyer"?
No, I'm going to say, "Jason..."
Hand my my purse.
"Jason...
"I don't mind doing my part for the team..."
Follow the arrows.
"...but I need you to do yours.
When your parents..."
What's that word?
"Crit... criticized."
"...criticized me,
"and you didn't... defend me,
"I realized you don't appreciate me or anything I do.
And that has to change."
Or I'm going to get a lawyer.
Add that. That's all that's missing.
Jason?
What are you doing here?
What do you mean what am I doing here?
My wife's in a hospital bed.
Forget her. The game's still going on.
You left my baby hanging?
Who the hell is he throwing the ball to?
Tasha, Tasha, we'll find a TV outside.
How you feeling?
You really left the game to be with me?
Kel, forget the game.
Well, won't you have to pay a fine?
That's why we save, babe.
So moments like this, we can do what's important.
What's important right now
is you getting better.
What's this?
It's not important anymore.
You... you scared me.
I'm glad you're okay.
You are okay, right?
'Cause I won't... I'll...
I'm great.
Good, 'cause we're tired of standing out there.
You are tired of everything today.
Is that Rookie?
-(crowd cheering on TV) -Go, Rookie!
-Go, Derwin! -Go, Rookie!
-Go! Go! Go!
Go, Rookie! Go, Rookie!
And rookie Derwin Davis scores!
The Sabers advance to the next round of the playoffs.
Oh, my God.
What?!
How's Kelly doing?
She's better.
She's resting. Mom's up there with her.
You left your mother alone with her?
It's okay. I gave Kelly some Mace.
(chuckles)
Looks like we pulled it out, huh?
Yep, yep, yep.
Would have been nice if you'd been there, though.
Sure, Dad, it... it would have been nice.
But I have priorities, you know.
Oh, clearly. Clearly.
I'm just saying...
you will never get one of these
if you don't want it bad enough.
Are you telling me that I don't want a ring, old man?
I bust my ass till my bones are sore.
Don't tell me I don't want a ring. I want a ring.
Bad.
It's just
when it comes down to it, there's another ring...
that's more important.
Oh, don't get all self-righteous with me.
If you took care of your wife like I take care of your mother,
she wouldn't have ended up in a hospital bed.
What are you trying to say?
Maybe if you'd loosen up those purse strings
a little and stop running her into the ground,
you'd have a ring, a happy wife and two-ply toilet paper.
Not every problem can be solved by throwing money at it, Dad.
If you knew that, maybe you'd still have most of yours.
Oh, poor Jason.
Tough childhood.
Had to move around a lot.
Change schools, make new friends.
Had your Porsche repossessed when you were 17.
All because your Hall of Fame daddy
didn't handle his money right.
And you're doing everything in your power not to be him.
Well, that's all well and good, son,
but everything you're doing to prove me wrong,
is killing your wife.
KELLY: I have to drive to Kimmy's.
I forgot Brittany.
Hold up.
You go back to bed, baby.
I'll... I'll go get her.
KELLY: Thanks, honey.
Mm-mm-mm.
That little girl doesn't stand a chance.
Mm-mm.