Oh, I get it, Mom.
Everything I've done since I left home is wrong.
So how would you feel
if Derwin and I came home for Christmas?
Yes, Derwin has to come, too.
No, Mom. He's not abusive, and I'm not under his thumb.
(key rattling in lock)
Oh, my God! He's home! I got to go!
("Jingle Bells" playing in background)
Welcome home, baby!
Oh, I'm sorry you lost your game.
I thought a Christmas tree
might cheer you up!
* Oh, what fun it is to ride *
* In a one-horse open sleigh *
* Jingle bells *
This tree looks just like how I feel.
* Jingle all the way... *
Oh, so you fell off a car
and accidentally got dragged all the way home, too?
(laughs)
Can't believe we lost that game, Mel.
Oh, baby,
I know you're sad the season's over.
But at least now we get to spend some quality time together
over the holidays.
I told my mom we might spend Christmas
in Connecticut with them.
I thought you were trying to cheer me up.
Derwin, there's no better time than Christmas
to try and patch things up.
There's something about eggnog that makes people want to talk.
Yeah. It's called rum.
Boo, I don't want to be the Grinch,
but I can't visit your parents.
Come on. I know it's freezing,
and we can't sleep together, and my parents hate you...
...but it'll be fun!
No, Boo, my season's not over yet.
That was your last game.
Of the regular season.
We could still make the playoffs.
If L.A. wins this weekend, we go to the Wild Card game,
so we still got to practice.
I'm sorry, Boo, but, hey, the important thing is
we'll still be together, right?
-I guess. -Plus...
you got your girls-- the Sunbeams.
Yeah, you're right.
It can still be Christmas in San Diego.
That's my girl.
But, if I can't go home for Christmas,
I want a bracelet.
Excuse me?
I'm sorry, but I can't leave that up to chance, too.
Everybody, bring it in!
Listen up!
I know spirits are a little low,
but we're not out of this.
And, while we can't control what happens
between L.A. and Seattle,
we can control how we stay together as a team.
-That's right. -We need to become one person.
One heartbeat.
To... gether.
-Yes, sir. -Uh-huh. -Yes, sir.
Now, when I was a rookie...
...I learned of a Saber ritual for times like these.
Please let it be hookers. Please let it be hookers.
Trent?
For the last time, just get a divorce.
Okay?
I'm talking about showers.
We don't take any till after the L.A. game on Sunday.
We keep these jerseys on, we practice in them,
we eat in them, we sleep in them.
They become our skin. You guys with me?!
-Yeah! -Who's with me?!
-Yeah! -Malik?
Malik, you with me?
Man, I ain't doing all that.
This is about solidarity.
One mind, one person, one heartbeat...
One load of crap.
Dawgs, I got an image to keep up.
And nowhere in that image is me smelling like a turkey burger.
This ain't about you. This is about
a little thing called brotherhood.
Don't you have to be a brother to be in a brotherhood?
See? See? There it is.
That's that same jackass you been all year,
and honestly, that's why nobody on the team likes you. Hmm...
Come on, y'all ease up on Malik.
Shut up, rookie.
I don't need you defending me.
I don't care which one of y'all like me or not.
This ain't grade school!
This is my job, and I do's my job very well.
So y'all can kick rocks.
Fine. Fine. We don't make it to the playoffs, it's on you.
Yo, Malik.
What, rookie?
You know why I always thought you was cool?
Because I saw you as a leader of this team.
But a leader wouldn't leave his boys hanging.
What you saying?
I'm saying...
Here's your jockstrap.
No, wait.
Here. This one's yours.
I used to be proud to wear this on my head.
Not anymore.
Not anymore!
We have to keep our guys' spirits up
during these trying times.
That means no fighting, no weight gain... Lisa.
And PMS only stands for "Playoffs Mean Sacrifice."
Jason's got the team giving up something,
so, in the spirit of solidarity,
I suggest that we all sacrifice something, too.
(murmuring agreement)
So, until after the game on Sunday,
-no shopping. -(all grumbling)
Well, pick another sacrifice.
Just because Big Lots
isn't having their half-yearly sale,
don't be trying to punish the rest of us.
Well, what else do we really care about?
How about alcohol?
Yeah.
How about you leave?
How about you leave and never come back?!
Slow your roll, Betty Ford.
Just think of it as The 12 Steps of Christmas.
-Yeah. -Yeah. -Yeah.
Fine.
Witches.
And, while we're on the subject of Christmas,
where is Christmas around here?
You haven't decorated your tree,
I haven't heard about a party,
and have we even hired a Santa?
You know, for the kids.
Look, Med School, Christmas is going to have to wait.
Now, until we find out whether or not we got the Wild Card,
the Saber family's going to be in a holiday holding pattern.
-That's right. -Mm-hmm.
You can't put Christmas on hold.
Don't you get tired of protesting at every meeting?
It's not like we won't have a Christmas.
If Seattle gets the crap kicked out of them,
it'll be the greatest Christmas ever!
(murmuring agreement)
What kind of people base their happiness
on someone else's sadness?
This is crazy!
You come in here wearing a Rerun
from What's Happening!! beanie...
(all laughing)
...and we're crazy? No, no, no.
Melanie, just sit down.
You left yourself a little too open with the beret.
Not a team player? (scoffs)
What? I am the team.
Hey, man.
You're mama's not a glass maker.
I can't see the TVs.
Is that better?
Man, why can't you just take a shower,
and stop oppressing me?
You know that I cannot take a shower, you...!
What you mean, you can't take a shower?
Something wrong with the plumbing?
Tee Tee, I told you about using all of that toilet paper.
It's not me this time, Ms. Mack. Talk to your boy.
Jason's lemon head got the whole team all pumped up
on some not-taking-showers ritual
until after the L.A. game.
You didn't tell them you have OCD?
Ma, a pro football locker room ain't the place to admit
that if I don't take five showers a day, I freak out.
I offered to give him a sponge bath,
and sing that old Peabo Bryson song you like.
Malik, what are you going to do?
I'm going to man up.
I don't want nobody thinking I ain't about the team, Ma.
I can smell like trash for a couple days.
Look, I'm not
going to have you running around here
sweating, scratching, and shaking like a crackhead.
Look, you need to go tell Jason the truth.
No. I'm not going to give him the satisfaction.
I'm just going to suffer through it.
Tee Tee, call Jason and tell him I'm in.
Now, if y'all will excuse me, I'm going to throw up.
Lift the seat, baby.
(chuckles)
Yeah, that's nasty.
(door opening)
Hey, what's up, Mel?
What happened to that Charlie Brown tree?
I thought a cactus was more appropriate for San Diego.
Thorny, dried out, heartless.
Merry Christmas!
What's wrong with you?
Derwin, I was all onboard for having a Christmas
with you and the Sunbeams,
but apparently football trumps everything around here.
Yeah. Because we're football players.
We play football.
Look, I called the front office, and I...
Oh...!
You called my job?
Yes.
And I found out you'll be done practicing Christmas Eve,
so we can fly home and
at least spend Christmas Day with my parents.
Melanie, no.
But I'm just trying to make this work for both of us.
No, you're trying to make this work for you.
Look, baby, I am not going nowhere Christmas Eve.
Me and the team is going to be watching the L.A. game together.
It's a solidarity thing.
Now I can't go home because you have to watch TV? (scoffs)
Hey, Melanie, why is it so hard for you to understand
that this is important to me?
Baby, I am this close to making it
-to the playoffs my rookie year! -Okay, fine.
You do what's important to you for Christmas, and stay here,
and I'll do what's important to me, and go home.
I've never missed a Christmas with my family.
Then you'll be batting a thousand.
Go home.
Fine. I will.
Good. Go!
I am!
You should!
Derwin?
So...
just to be clear, you're not coming?
-(water running) -JASON: Ho, ho! I hear water running.
I knew you were trying to do this...
Oh, oh, I was just, uh...
I thought, uh...
Just leave me alone, man.
Sure, I'll just leave you alone
now that I see that you're not acting weird or anything.
Turn the water off, man.
I'm about to jump in it. Turn it off!
Ooh, dude, ooh!
What is going on?
You do something I'm going to hear about on the news?
I got OCD, man.
If I don't take, like, a million showers a day,
I'm all messed up.
Are you serious?
Man, your water bill must be out of this world.
I'm sorry, I just...
I'm sorry.
Why didn't you just say something, man?
Dawg,
I'm Malik Wright, man.
I don't show weakness.
No, dude, you do whatever you need to do
to get yourself right.
I'll cover for you with the team.
Just...
Hell, no, man.
Look...
I don't need no happy-face- sticker-looking fool
covering for me.
No, you need to give Leroy from Fame his headband back.
Are we going to keep going there or am I going to help you?
'Cause you're in a bad state. You look like crap, dude.
And you're playing worse.
You just do you, man, all right?
I want my boys to know that I care about this squad
just as much as anybody else.
And as bad as I want to shower...
(ragged breathing)
...I want that ring a thousand times more.
I respect that.
I respect that, man.
But for real, man, how much is your water bill?
("The First Noel" instrumental plays in background)
Careful, dear.
Yeah, we wouldn't want any Yuletide mishaps
that would make me an only child.
Son, you're already dead to us.
MELANIE (laughing): It's okay, Dad.
Cameron, even your insults couldn't mess up this Christmas.
I love everything, Mom.
It's perfect!
Yes, it is. Ooh!
Now that you're home.
Alone.
Honestly, Melanie,
I was not in the space to deal with your friend.
Yeah, I heard ol' boy is 'roided up,
and putting hands on you.
Got you stripping on poles
and stuff.
Cameron, enough.
What? Mom said.
Oh, all that matters is, we're together.
Now, the star's on the tree,
so we can each open our Christmas Eve gift.
Cameron, this one has your name on it.
Ah, it's heavy.
Maybe it's your missing personality.
(pager beeping)
Well, duty calls.
James, can't it wait?
Melanie's home. It's Christmas Eve.
Do you think Mr. Tanaka's heart knows that it's Christmas Eve?
We're about to open the gifts.
Excuse me, Grace,
if the only gift I have to give tonight is the gift of life.
I'll see you kids in the morning.
Bye, Dad. I love you.
Dad!
What are you doing?
I told you, that's gay.
Says the boy who asked for earrings for Christmas.
Mom, are you okay?
This is a good object lesson for you, Melanie.
This is what your life will be like
if you're with a man whose career always comes first.
(door closes)
Don't worry, Mel.
I mean, Derwin's career will be over in five years.
Who are we kidding? Three, tops.
(laughing): Right?
(crowd cheering on TV)
(whistle blows)
-No! -(all groaning)
No!
Hell, no!
Damn!
Hey, hey, Erica, more beer over here.
Anyone got a cyanide pill I can put into this?
I'll take it to him.
Nice try, booze bag.
I've never seen a game with so many blown calls, man.
It don't matter nohow.
Even if we did make it there, the way Malik
been stankin' it up all week,
we'd still get our asses handed to us.
Hold on, hold on, fellas.
We can't put everything off on Malik.
The hell we can't, man. Trent's right.
Malik, you've been playing like a little bitch all week.
Yeah.
Okay, you crossed the line now.
I didn't raise no little bitch.
Malik has more heart than all of y'all.
Ma, it's cool. Just let it go.
No, I let it go too long already.
-Malik's got OCD. -Ma!
If he doesn't take five showers a day,
he gets the shakes. He can't focus.
That's why he's been off his game all week.
Mm-mm, mm-mm, she lying, y'all.
OCD?
Oh, so now you've got Babe Ruth's disease?
Okay, first of all, Trent,
you need to sue the Mississippi school system.
Secondly, Tasha is telling the truth.
He does have OCD, but he is sticking it out for us.
For the team.
Damn, Tasha, how long he got?
Now y'all see what I'm dealing with?
("O Come All Ye Faithful" instrumental playing)
(sighs)
I guess we're going to have to talk to each other, huh?
God, this Christmas sucks.
GRACE: Since your father can't be here with us again,
I thought we'd crack open the 30-year-old cognac
he's been saving for his retirement--
which he'll never do.
Mom, why are you so upset?
Dad always has emergencies that come up on holidays.
And I've always been upset.
But I kept that from you because you were children.
But the truth is, I'm lonely.
Hell, the only reason I got pregnant with Cameron
was so that I could have some company.
And you see how well that turned out?
Mom, I know it's hard, but Dad loves you.
He just has a very important job
where a lot of people depend on him.
And let's face it, that's part of why you love him.
It's like with me and Der...
What?
I just realized that's the same reason I love Derwin.
Oh, for God's sakes, Melanie, I'm depressed enough.
No, Mom, it's true.
If they weren't passionate about what they do,
they'd be boring.
Dad's not here for you on Christmas Eve,
but would you trade him for anyone else?
Well, Al Roker did lose all that weight.
Melanie, I just want you to learn from my life,
and I want you to have a man who's there for you.
I do, Mom.
Only now I'm not there for him.
I was so busy nagging Derwin about putting work first,
but the reality is, pretty soon
that's going to be my pager going off
in the middle of Christmas,
and it'll be his turn to understand.
I've got to call him.
Oh, God. I've failed as a mother.
Oh, yeah.
I'm telling you that it's okay.
I-I told you,
I'm not going to ruin the tradition.
You're foaming at the mouth, man.
Take a shower.
One mind... one person.
I think my armpits are swelling.
(cell phone ringing)
Hello.
MELANIE: Hey, baby!
I'm sorry about everything.
Um, I was just talking to my mom about us, and...
you were right.
JASON: You know what? L.A. is losing.
-I'm so sorry. -New tradition.
-I should be there with you. -Everybody in the pool!
Clothes and all! Let's go!
I love you.
Melanie, I love you, too, but I gotta call you back.
We're jumping in the pool for Malik's OCD.
His what?
(water splashing, players whooping)
They're gonna leave a dirty ass ring in your pool, watch.
Kelly?
-(slurping) -Kelly!
(water splashing)
I have OCD, too.
What?
I'm nervous, Tasha!
This game is stressful.
So, back up, bitch, and hand me my Chardonnay.
All right, here it is. Come on L.A.! Come on!
(shouting)
(all cheering)
(whooping)
Whoa, we're in, baby!
Wild Card!
That's it! That's it!
That's why we jump in pools.
It's all about being a team.
Now give me some love!
(all whooping and cheering)
That's enough love! That's enough love!
Now where's my wife?
MALIK: Where you at, Ma?!
Right here, Boo!
(joyous laughter)
(raucous laughter)
(laughter and chatter continue)
Merry Christmas, baby.
Hi.
-Mm... -Oh...
Mm...
Oh, you got the tree back!
Yeah.
Amazingly, nobody claimed it from the trash pile out front.
Well, from now on, the only Christmas tradition
I want us to have is that we spend it together.
Deal?
Please.
You just came back for your bracelet.
Did you get it?
(screaming and laughing)
Merry Christmas.
MELANIE: Mm, Merry Christmas to you, too.