DERWIN: What's up, Jason, Bone, Lil' Mo,
Big Mo, Moe, Moe-Moe, Tee Tee.
Yo, Too $hort!
MALIK: Don't embarrass me.
Close your mouth.
What took you so long with my shoes, Rookie?
Oh, that's my bad. I had to drop
Melanie off at the bus stop.
Wow, $hort Dog.
You got your girl on public transportation?
We've only got one car.
-Each? -Each?
No, man, one total.
But I've been wanting
to get her a new car.
When I do, it's got to be something nice, you feel me?
Don't get caught up in the hype.
I seen it a million times-- brothers go broke
trying to keep up with the Joneses.
If you want, I can give you a few tips
on how to make your money work for you.
Oh, for real? Thanks, J.
Look, I don't know what barn y'all were raised in,
but in my house, we don't wear shoes.
You, get your hands off of that.
Pull up your damn pants.
Uh-uh. Hey, hey...
Sleeping hoochie.
Wake up.
Don't be sleep-sweating all over my chenille.
MALIK: Ma.
Hi, baby.
I told you I'm a grown man.
I can handle this house when you ain't here.
Look, last time I left you alone in this house,
you set Tee Tee on fire.
Oh, no, no, I'm good, Miss Mack, I'm good.
They used the skin off my butt.
Oh, well, I see
somebody still has their shoes on.
Chill, Ma. $hort's all right.
Well, I know who $hort is. I'm from the Bay.
He's still got to take his shoes off.
He's going to drop a verse on my album.
-Album? -You said you was gonna
take my rap game seriously.
Oh, that's right, that's right.
You can rap.
That's right, I'm nice.
You nice, you real nice.
Go ahead, spit a little somethin' somethin' then.
All right, yo.
Check it, check it.
One, two, one, two.
Yo, mic check it.
Mmm.
I ain't got it right now.
Well, let me know when you can find it.
Now I'm going to ask you one last time, $hort.
Damn, Mom's a straight gangsta.
You sure you don't want me to drop you off
-closer to your house? -No.
It's only a half a mile.
Mostly downhill.
Right, okay.
I just wish our night
didn't have to end so soon.
Ooh, shoot.
Apparently you agree.
I think that was Jason.
Look, I know we're supposed to be on the low,
but this is ridiculous.
Now, you've got to tell Malik
we're still seeing each other.
But I gave him my word.
I've got to keep lying to him.
Look, Kenny, we've been through this.
You're his coach, I'm his manager; it's just too messy.
Yeah, well, so is getting lipstick on my pants.
Okay, next time, you duck.
(laughs): I'm serious, Tasha.
I'm tired of sneaking around in hotels.
I want to have a normal date with you.
Okay, okay, we'll go on a normal date.
But right now, I've got to go. Malik's waiting on me.
-(groans) -Wednesday is the one night
we put aside for business.
All right.
-Bye. -Good night.
(dogs barking)
(grunts)
I knew it!
I knew she was anorexic!
And you said her head was too meaty.
(laughing)
Oh, I love TopModel.
Okay, okay, your turn.
Now the blonde:
anorexic, lesbian, crier, or bitch.
(turns off TV)
Ma, I've been thinking.
Mm-hmm, this a tough one.
She look like she may be a combo platter.
No, Ma.
I've been thinking about us, and I...
I think it's time for a space break
or a weekend apart.
Oh, Lord, what'd I do now?
You came up in the house today treating my boys
like they hold umbrellas for a living.
Well, I thought Tee Tee's job was holding your umbrella.
Mama, that's one of his many responsibilities.
Look, I keep telling you, you can't keep
playing me out like that in front of my folks.
Well, Malik, somebody has to keep this place in check.
Mama, you were way too short with Too $hort.
Fine, I could use a spa getaway weekend anyway.
Thank you.
I scratched the hardwood floors
the other day with the bottom of my foot,
so I'm thinking a pedicure might be in order.
Okay?
Thanks for the wine, Tasha,
but it's not even noon.
It may not be noon here, but it's happy hour
somewhere in the world.
And everybody knows that Chardonnay
is white folks' Kool-Aid.
No, with all the wine-drinking
we've been doing at the Sunbeams' meeting,
now if I don't have a little buzz, it's hard to study.
Yeah, it's kind of like your brain just remembers
the feelings it had the last time it did something,
and it programs itself to crave that thing.
That's it. That's exactly how I feel.
Yeah, I think that's called alcoholism.
-Now, who wants truffles? -Truffles,
wine, easy-listening?
What are you up to, Tasha Mack?
Why I got to be up to something?
Okay, look.
I'm gonna tell you guys a secret, but I don't want
you getting all girlie and squealy when I tell you.
-Whatever. -Okay.
I'm still seeing Coach T.
-Oh. -That's interesting.
Go ahead.
Oh, my God!
(squealing): Oh!
I'm so happy you won't die alone.
Okay, now clearly Malik knows nothing about this.
That's why I need you guys' help.
He thinks I'm going away on a spa weekend,
but I really just want to spend some quality time with my boo.
Oh, okay.
So you need us to cover for you?
Mm-hmm. So if Malik calls
and asks why my cell phone's off,
just tell him that you just talked to me
and I was laying down because I had a...
Headache, allergies?
-Hot flashes? -Hot flashes?
Girl, how old do you think I am?
I don't know, maybe...
Trick question. Let it go.
We gonna go with the allergies.
And I'll check in with you guys every once in a while.
Oh, if you really want to throw Malik
off the trail, you should at least get a mani-pedi
from Quickie Nails before you go.
Oh, is that where you go?
Yep.
Oh... I think I'm gonna go
to the not-so Quickie Nails.
Look, when I said I wanted
to have a normal date with you,
I thought, you know, maybe dinner,
a walk by the beach,
a look at you in natural light.
This is a normal date.
It's a dark, normal date,
where people can't tell who's who,
and besides, you're the one who has to run
back to work as soon as the movie's over,
ruining my romantic rendezvous.
Look, we both got these crazy schedules,
but this sneaking around is not helping any.
Baby, look, I'm doing the best I can.
I just want to get to know you better.
I want to find out what you like, what you don't like.
How you like your eggs-- over easy, scrambled,
with cheese, you know, like in a normal relationship.
And if we can't do that here,
maybe we need to get out of town.
My buddy told me about this place
in Mexico that sounded great.
How about over the break we check it out?
Sticks the drummer.
-What? -Movie trivia.
The only black character
-to ever appear on Happy Days. -Hmm.
Your turn.
-Okay, back to the trip. -Shh!
We don't want to be those black folks at the movies.
Too late.
They just completely ain't scared of us no more.
-Oh! -Oh!
Every time I sprinkle water
in the pan, the grease pops.
-Isn't it weird? -Yeah.
-Ooh! -Ow!
That one landed right on my...
You heifers better get the hell out of my damn kitchen!
And go put on some clothes.
Well, Malik said that he wanted
breakfast in bed.
It's 8:00 at night.
Well, Malik said that breakfast is good
-any time of the day. -Mm-hmm.
-I don't care what Malik said. -MALIK: Ma!
What are you doing here?
Man. You ladies go wait in my room.
I'll be up in a second.
-(both giggling) -Okay.
Mm.
Malik.
I know you got more sense
than to have these little sack-chasers
up in here cooking on my All-Clad.
I can't believe you.
I sent you away on a space break
and you sneak back early and go off on my guests?
An apron does not turn a hoochie
into a houseguest.
You know what?
That's it, I'm done.
I can't take it anymore.
You don't respect me.
You don't respect the way I live.
You don't even respect my girls.
What's their names, Malik?
That's not the point.
I can't take this living arrangement anymore.
So what, you just going to jump up and move out?
Oh, no, you are.
Now what now?
Ma, I love you.
And I'm going to buy you a nice place on the beach,
but I just can't live with you no more.
Oh, so y'all just going to burn up the damn catfish, huh?
(doorbell ringing)
Remember, when Tasha comes to the door,
happy, loose, upbeat.
Lots of teeth.
I'm sure Malik dumping her in a place like this
has made her an emotional wreck.
Yeah, a $2 million beachfront condo.
What a knife in the heart.
-(doorbell ringing) -Oh, no, no answer.
Quick, let's break down the door.
Maybe we can get to her before she kicks the chair out.
Oh, thank God you're alive.
And you look great.
-Thank you. -You do.
Really great.
Almost like you're masking your real pain.
I know you must feel awful.
Betrayed, tossed out into the street
by your own son.
No fallback career,
no formal education, no real...
fashion sense.
What are you doing here?
We were just worried about you.
Oh, well, look, I ain't going to lie.
I mean, I was mad at Malik at first,
but it turns out this condo's
the best thing ever happened to me.
Oh, God, I knew it.
She's already in here smoking crack.
Where's the pipe, Tasha?
Ain't that a blip.
What, a black woman going through something,
she's got to be on crack?
Look, y'all, there is nothing going on here, okay?
Baby, you want honeysuckle or you want citrus?
You...
Oh.
Sorry, uh...
Hello, ladies.
-Hi, Coach T. -Hi, Coach T.
Don't mind them, boo.
They were just leaving.
Nice to see you.
I love your new towels.
You're just full of surprises.
Mmm, you smell good.
I just want to eat you.
(both chuckle)
This smell does wear off, though, right?
'Cause I can't be cussing my players out
smelling like "lavender tranquility."
(both chuckling)
It feels so good to be able to take my time with you,
not have to rush.
I've been thinking about our trip again.
I found this place in Mexico.
We can get a villa right on the beach.
Mm.
You know what I would love?
What?
Mexican food.
It's Mexico. I'm sure there's plenty of it.
I mean now.
Yeah, like a chicken taco.
Shoot, if I take my pills now,
I could eat a cheese enchilada.
Tasha, every time I mention us
going out of town together, you blow me off.
You don't want to go,
-just say so. -No, it's not
that I don't want to go, it's just I can't get excited
about something that won't happen for months.
But it is gonna happen though, right?
I don't know, Kenny.
I don't have a crystal ball.
Tasha, do you see a future for us?
Because I don't appreciate you playing me like a chump.
Hold up, Ike Turner.
You need to use your inside voice with me.
So now I'm Ike Turner?
Okay, why are you giving me all this grief?
We're not hiding in hotel rooms anymore.
We might as well be.
I mean, this is nothing but a hotel room
-without the $20 cashews. -(phone ringing)
I got to get that.
Now?
Aren't we kind of in the middle of something?
(phone ringing)
Hello.
What you doing?
Living in my skin. What you want?
Nothing. I'm good, I'm chillin'.
Look, then why you calling? Bye.
No, no, no, wait.
I'm lying, Ma.
You got to come home, Mama.
I had a little mixer, and then people came,
and then more people came, and then more people came.
But then nobody gonna leave.
Started frying up chicken and popping grease everywhere
and ordering movies,
and, Ma, they stealing.
Stealing what?
I ain't sure, but I just got that feeling--
you know the one we get when people be stealing.
Like at your cousin Junie's house?
Just like at Junie's house.
Ma, plus I got a game on Sunday.
I can't get no sleep.
This is gonna mess me up.
Okay, look, you need to tell those people
to get the hell out.
Mom, I can't...
People talk. You know I'm trying
to get into this rap game now.
So, listen, I'm gonna need you to do this for me, okay?
Hold on, I'm gonna put you on speaker phone.
Okay, where are you going?
Look, obviously,
we're not on the same page.
You seen my sock?
Okay, so, what, I can't have a conversation with my son?
The reason you don't want to tell Malik about us
has nothing to do with
any conflict of interest that you might have.
It's because you don't want to deal with this right here.
You can't keep using Malik to avoid us, Tasha.
It's not fair to him, 'cause it won't allow him to grow up.
It's not fair to you because it won't allow you to have
a meaningful relationship outside of your son.
And it's not fair to me, Tasha.
Okay!
I'll go to Mexico.
Not like this.
Grown-ass man,
sneaking around apartments all weekend.
Don't make no damn sense.
Oh, God.
You got kicked out of here, too?
I'm moving back to Malik's.
And before you start, I don't want to hear anything about it.
Okay, so wait.
Does this mean we're not having margaritas?
No, don't be silly, sweetie.
We're definitely drinking.
Why would you move back in with Malik?
Because my baby needs me.
Your baby is a grown man.
He could take care of himself, Tasha.
What about Coach T?
What does he think about this?
Kenny ain't my daddy.
I'm a grown-ass woman.
Oh, I see, you guys got in a fight.
No, we did not get into a fight.
He's just so damn demanding.
Always wanting to take me places
and do nice stuff for me.
I don't have time for all that.
Because of Malik?
Look, I know falling in love is scary,
but you can't keep using Malik
as an excuse not to live your life.
It's not an excuse.
He's my job.
Tasha, I've only taken Psychology 101,
but it sounds like you're having intimacy issues.
Okay, if you really knew me, which you never will,
you would know that I don't have no damn intimacy issues.
Coach T is a good guy.
If you don't start to live your life soon,
you're gonna look up and not have any life left to live.
Okay, for real, how old do you think I am?
All I'm saying is keep the condo.
That way, when you and Coach T make up,
at least you'll have a place to have make-up sex.
(sighs)
There's nothing like make-up sex.
Tasha, if you think "dusting off the cobweb sex" is good,
wait till he's kissing you and hugging you and squeezing you
and spanking you and biting you on your...
(shivers)
Either I've said too much
or we have just taken a leap in our friendship.
Look, it ain't gonna be none of that.
Kenny walked out on me, you guys.
What?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I mean, it was gonna happen eventually,
so I'm just glad it happened now,
as opposed to him taking me to Mexico.
'Cause I'd be down there falling all in love,
having a great time, eating tacos by candlelight.
And then he'd dump me.
Then I'd be all heartbroken.
Couldn't eat another taco without thinking about him.
And I love me some tacos.
Malik's daddy already ruined pizza for me,
and I ain't giving up tacos, y'all.
I told you she was the lesbian!
Ooh, how did you know?
I just got the tingle, and I went with it.
(both chuckle)
I'm glad you're back, Ma.
I missed you.
I missed you, too.
But ain't going to be no more throwing mama out.
I was wrong, Ma, okay?
Mm-hmm.
We started this journey together,
and we're gonna finish it together.
Me and you till the end.
You're gonna be right there
when I win my first, second, and third championship rings.
That's right, baby.
And when I marry Tyra,
you're gonna be right there in the front row.
Mm-hmm, with a big old hat on, too.
(laughing)
We're gonna have you a gang of grandbabies,
and I'm gonna build you a guest house with a playroom
so you can watch 'em.
Now what now?
When you get old and feeble,
we ain't gonna put you in a home.
Uh-uh, I love you way too much for that.
I'm gonna send Tee Tee to nursing school,
and he's gonna take care of you.
What is wrong with y'all?
I'm younger than Halle Berry.
(laughing)
I'm just saying, I got you, Ma.
Malik, I appreciate that, but I don't want that.
I want my own life.
And nowhere in that life is Tee Tee changing my diapers.
Malik,
I got to be honest with you.
I'm still involved with Coach T.
What?
Ma, you promised.
I told you if you're gonna be my manager,
you got to shut it down.
We had an ultimatum.
You can't go back on an ultimatum, Ma.
That's the point of an ultimatum.
Look, Malik.
I wish he wasn't your coach, but he is.
But that still doesn't change the fact
that I'm a damn good manager.
And the fact that I'm right here right now
proves that I'm a damn good mom.
Sometimes I'm too damn good.
'Cause I keep sacrificing
everything that I want and need for you.
I'm not gonna do that anymore.
So I have no say in this?
Malik, you could say,
"Go ahead, Ma, I want you to be happy.
You deserve it."
What else can I say?
Or you could say good-bye.
And if that's the case, I can move back to the condo.
(sighs)
(screaming)
(sighs)
Fine.
But I ain't calling him "Daddy."
As long as I can, we cool.
(laughing)
So, Malik,
what are you guys up to tonight?
(scoffs)
Come on, you ain't gonna answer the man?
Oh, uh, you know,
we just making some popcorn, watching some porn.
You know, the usual.
TASHA: Hey.
I'm ready.
Wow, and worth the wait.
Wow, you look beautiful.
Thank you.
This dude.
(groans)
Where you going, Ma?
Oh, we're probably just gonna grab some dinner.
Where you going, Ma?
Good night, Malik.
Man, I don't know why you're tripping.
I mean, they look good together.
Man, shut up and finish my sandwich.
Yo, you know, your mama had no panties on, right?