Hey, Malik, you a'right?
Malik? I'm fine.
Hey, my bad.
I just thought something was wrong.
I said I'm fine.
Can you just stop talking, please?
Absolutely.
I can absolutely stop talking. Just watch me.
For real, though, what are you doing?
Damn, rookie!
I'm doing my visualizations. Your what?
My visualizations.
Before each practice and game,
I picture myself running the plays.
That way, when I'm on the field, I can react on instinct.
And I can only do my visualizations if it's what?
Quiet!
You dig?
I do. I dig. You just do your thing.
I'm going to be over here...
(whispers): being quiet.
What's up, ladies?
It's okay, Jason, we get it.
You're the alternative "dude."
What's that supposed to mean?
It means you like everything white-bread--
your music, your clothes, your wife.
Oh, please do forgive me, Your Blackness.
I guess we all can't live with our mommies.
(men jeering)
Whatever, you... coupon-clipping,
barber-college-haircut-having, clown-car-driving fool.
Yeah, yeah, I'm really sorry
I don't drive nine cars at once...
M.C. Stereotype.
(laughter)
That's him, that's him.
He killing you, man.
Come on, you got to get him, Malik.
Nah, I don't have to say anything.
I'll just sit back and visualize myself
not throwing his ass the ball on Sunday.
Tell me something, Hot Dog.
Did you visualize the interception
you threw last Sunday?
(shocked murmuring)
Now, what now?
Oh, oh, oh.
How about the pass
you threw ten yards in front of me
that cost us the game?
Oh...
Well, maybe if you wasn't so old,
you could've gotten to where you were supposed to be,
DJ (scratching): Depends, D-D-Depends.
(laughter)
I'm not too old to whoop your punk ass.
What's up, then? Hey, guys. Guys.
Come on now.
You know, let's just be cool.
There's no need to go to violence.
Use your words.
Because they were hella funny.
(laughing)
Thank you, San Diego.
I will be here all season.
(laughter)
I ought to punch you in your throat.
Yeah, you ought to.
Oh, but then you'd get an ass whooping
and a $10,000 fine.
You know you need the money to fix your clown car.
It's a hybrid, bitch.
Why would you get into it with Malik?
You're supposed to be the team leader.
And more importantly, this is your contract year.
Why would you get into it with Jason?
You just signed that big-ass contract.
And more importantly,
you're supposed to be the team leader.
(laughing): And then I said,
"Thank you, San Diego.
I'm here all season."
(laughing)
Why would you do that?
What's going to happen with my dinner party?
And more importantly,
I just signed a contract with the caterer.
Can I have an extra roll?
Sure. Here you go, baby.
Uh, uh, uh.
That's too many carbs.
Remember, 40-30-30.
Just because they're homeless
doesn't mean they have to be fat.
Lady, I live in a dryer.
You got three seconds to give me back my corn bread.
What's his problem?
He lives in a dryer.
Apparently, he woke up on the side of the lint trap.
Girl, stop.
See?
I knew you two would be talking.
We do that from time to time.
No, it's just Derwin thought you wouldn't be speaking
because of the fight between Malik and Jason.
Oh, girl, no.
Those boys have locker room fights all the time.
We don't get involved in all that.
Yeah, that'll blow over before you know it.
So, great. Everybody will be at my dinner party.
Oh, no, we can't go to that.
But you just said it will blow over.
Not in time for your damn party.
Guys, I can't change it.
It's tomorrow night.
I paid the caterer,
I ordered the flowers.
I made a mix CD.
Sorry, honey, it's out of our hands.
No, it's not.
Guys, this is my first big dinner party
and I'm doing it for you,
to thank you for taking me under your wings.
So use those wings to fly to my party.
(laughing)
Billy Ocean's on the CD.
Aren't you trying to convince us to come?
Look, I just don't think it's a good idea
to have Jason and Malik together in a room right now.
It could be a great thing.
Girl, forget all your football rules
and just try it my way once.
Sweetie, I just think...
No, don't think, just listen.
I'm just saying...
mingling in a civilized,
non-football environment might be exactly what the guys need
to smooth things over.
Did I mention I have s'mores?
Come on, ladies, I'm not getting any corn bread
until you say yes.
Fine. Here's your corn bread,
and, fine, Malik and I will be there.
We'll be there, too.
(squeals happily) But no s'mores for Jason.
He's allergic to chocolate.
Oh, but he loves the crackers.
Don't he, though?
(knocking on door)
(squeals): Ooh... My first guests have arrived.
Places, everyone. Places.
DERWIN: Mel, I hope you're right
about this.
I'm just saying, he throws like a little girl.
Jason...
Jason, you promised.
All right, all right.
Hi, everybody.
(giggling)
What's going on, y'all?
What are you doing here, rookie?
This is my house, man.
Oh... Oh!
You're Derwin.
(Kelly laughs)
Jason.
Oh, I'm so glad you guys are here.
Derwin, why don't you get Jason a drink.
Come on, man, the bartender's mixing up pomegranate cosmos.
(laughing)
Do you have anything for men?
Well? Melanie, everything looks gorgeous.
Oh, thank you.
(knocking) Ooh!
Good, that must be Tasha and Malik.
Oh, it is. Jason insisted we beat them to the elevator.
Okay. Off to a good start.
What? Come on, Mom.
His end zone dance is the cabbage patch.
Malik! Oh, hey.
Welcome to our home.
(both giggling)
Is this all of it?
Uh...!
Malik! Where are your manners?
Sorry.
Good evening, Melanie.
Where's the rest of your house?
(chuckles) Come on in.
Have some hors d'oeuvres.
We have pomegranate cosmos.
Ooh, pomegranate. Sweet.
Uh. Girls' drink. That's all I'm saying.
(laughing)
(laughing): I mean, come on.
Dude's got on a tennis bracelet.
(Jason laughing)
I thought it was a matching set with the necklace and all.
(laughing)
Matching set.
That's funny, rookie. Uh.
You're a little sharper than I thought.
I'll tell you what.
Wednesday after practice, maybe I'll let you,
uh, shadow me on some of my routes.
For real?
Ah, thanks, J!
MELANIE: And this is our kitchen.
Oh!
Look who's here!
Jason, you know Malik.
All righty, then.
Derwin, why don't you show Malik where to put his coat.
Yeah, this way, man.
Mr. Bojangles.
O.J. Simpson.
(chuckles)
What was Jason doing in the kitchen?
Filling up a doggie bag?
(both laugh)
'Cause he's cheap, right?
(both laugh)
See, you get me, rook.
You know what?
I think I'm gonna let you
run through drills with me on Wednesday.
Cool!
Cool, cool...
But check it out, Malik, um...
can you make it Thursday?
Sure.
So, uh, where's the bedroom?
This is the bedroom.
This ain't a closet?
Hmm. Whoa.
MELANIE: Ooh.
Just in time to try the cucumber gazpacho.
Thanks, babe.
There you go.
(gulps)
You call this a shot?
(groans)
No, she calls it "soup."
You want to know what I call you?
MELANIE: Hey, hey, hey.
Hey.
Soup, shot-- does it really matter?
It was just to cleanse your palate.
Dinner will be ready in 15 minutes.
(sighs)
Has it been 15 minutes yet?
Girl, you ain't got 15 minutes.
You need to break out a party game.
Dominoes, dice, jacks, something.
Ooh, I know.
(chuckles)
I almost forgot.
Music.
Any requests?
Jason probably wants to hear something by the White Stripes.
Whitesnake.
Or, hell, just put on the White Album.
(chuckles)
And Malik would like to hear...
anything about slapping hoes.
Look, guys.
Sports.
Guys playing together nicely.
Come on, guys.
Melanie worked so hard to put together a nice dinner.
Yeah, and we're guests in their home.
Last week's game is over.
(sighs)
It's time to move on.
Fine.
I'm sorry.
MELANIE: Thank you.
Now we can turn off the TV and have a dinner party.
Oh, hold up, babe.
Yo, they're doing a piece on us.
WOMAN (on TV): This Sunday, you face your rivals, the Arizona Agaves.
Now, what do you need to do
to bounce back from last week's lackluster performance?
What do I need to do?
I don't need to do anything
except keep swinging my $40 million arm.
It's the receivers, especially the veterans,
that need to step up and start catching some of these balls.
But maybe they just don't have the speed they used to.
Awkward.
Look, Jason, man, I...
Yo, Jason, here you go.
JASON (on TV): You know what?
Uh, last week was all my fault.
I take full blame because I don't have elastic arms
to catch balls thrown ten yards in front of me.
Bottom line, this quarterback still needs to learn
this game isn't just about power,
it's also about control.
But, uh... maybe that's one of those things
you just can't teach.
You know?
Damn...!
Wow.
Wow. I mean, I...
Wow.
Didn't you just see your client on TV?
Okay, well, how is having dinner with your family helping me?
No, no, no.
Maybe the solution is to find a publicist for Malik
who doesn't have a family.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
You want to take it national?
Got it.
Least I didn't just straight call you out.
I said "veterans," plural.
You were lumped in a whole non-catching group.
But you're the one who tried to put a brother on blast.
That's pretty self-centered, Malik.
The team has more than one quarterback.
Oh. (laughs)
I'm sorry, dog.
You were talking about Wade.
Our backup quarterback/ groundskeeper/coach's nephew.
I'm not getting into this with you.
Kel, grab the coats.
I'm gonna make us some plates to go.
MELANIE: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Kelly, don't go!
I've got parfait for dessert. It's delicate!
It won't travel well!
Well, call me back when you figure out how to spin this.
I don't know why you need a publicist.
Malik does a good job spinning his own stories.
Careful where you're stepping, Kelly Pitts.
I'm stepping in the truth, Tasha Mack.
Oh, God.
Please don't use first and last names.
Your son blames everyone else for his mistakes.
Maybe if he stepped up and practiced a little more,
he might complete a few more passes.
Well, maybe they could get their timing right in practice
if Jason would stop calling his arthritis a hamstring pull.
MELANIE: You know, we could just send the guys home,
and it would just be the three of us--
laughing, eating parfait,
not even worrying about our thighs.
Maybe it's not a lack of timing, it's a lack of talent.
Or maybe it's just the color of the ball.
Maybe if we painted the ball white,
Jason may try harder to catch it.
Believe me,
Jason can catch anything
that mama's boy of yours can throw.
Well, at least he has a mama who cares.
Not like that poor child you let walk around with a tore up afro
'cause you know less than nothing about black hair.
It sure doesn't look like you know
a hell of a lot about black hair, either,
considering most of yours came from Korea.
(gasps) Ooh!
(laughing)
I mean...
No!
I see.
You want to take this to an earring-removal moment.
I got earrings, too.
Clip-ons.
Wait, wait, wait! Everybody, leave your earrings on.
How you just gonna stand there and, "Ooh,"
when she talked about my hair?
I'm gonna remember that, Melanie Barnett.
God, they told me
getting the guys together would be a bad idea.
But I just had to push it.
Whoo!
This could possibly be the best parfait I have ever had.
Derwin, please.
I'm in a crisis.
It's my fault my friends hate each other.
It's not all bad.
When Jason and Malik are fighting,
they act like I'm their best friend!
Those two going at it could be great for me.
What?
All right.
Follow me.
Tomorrow, in the locker room,
when I'm talking to Jason about the whole thing,
I say, "Yeah, dude, you are so right.
"Malik trying to mess with you.
"But you can't let him get inside your head.
You got to do your thing how you do it."
What happens?
Old man starts giving me veteran receiver advice,
mentoring me and helping me hone my game.
Then I go over and talk to Malik.
Say, "Yeah, dude, you are so right.
"Jason, he trying to mess with you.
"But you can't let him get inside your head.
You got to do your thing how you do it."
What happens?
Señor Bling-Bling
asks the coach if I can come up
from the B squad so I can work with him.
He starts throwing me the ball, I get to show off my skills,
Derwin wins.
Mm...
You are sick.
Jason and Malik fighting affects the whole team.
I've ruined Tasha and Kelly's relationship,
and I have to figure out how to fix it.
Mel, I get that you always want to fix things
and make people feel better.
That's why you want to be a doctor and whatnot.
But I don't know how many opportunities I'm gonna get.
Do you hear yourself?
We're not these kind of people, Derwin.
Or are we?
Is this what we're becoming?
Users?
Remember,
whatever you do, you still have to answer to God.
(sighs)
Yeah.
You're right, Mel.
Satan came to our dinner party tonight,
and I just let him stroll on in and take a seat.
Baby, I'm sorry.
So you'll help me?
The truth is, boo,
I don't know how much I can really do.
Jason and Malik aren't gonna listen to the rook.
(scoffs)
You have no idea.
These women are...
Mm.
Huh?
(chuckles)
Yeah, yeah.
That's amazing, right?
Mm?
Shut up.
(crowd roaring)
(whistle blowing)
Mm!
I'm saving this for my sister!
ANNOUNCER: A magnificent catch! (cheering)
And a 38-yard touchdown!
Malik Wright to Jason Pitts!
The Sabers make it a three-possession game
with just under five minutes to go.
(gasps) Oh! Look, look!
They're hugging!
Th-they're friends again!
Oh, thank God! We can sit together now.
Come on!
Why isn't anybody moving?
I'm fine where I am.
(scoffs)
Me, too.
What do you mean?
The guys aren't fighting anymore.
So we can be friends again.
Don't beg, Melanie.
It's pathetic.
Are you guys gonna stay mad at each other?
Why?
You know, I hate this.
Guys get over things so quickly,
but women always have to hold on to stuff.
Why can't we just do like the men?
Bump chests, smack each other in the asses and move on.
I would love that.
You are slower than I thought.
This is no longer about the men.
It stopped being about the men when she got personal.
KELLY: When I got personal?
You were the one... MELANIE: Hey, hey.
Hey, time-out.
You guys have got to let this stuff go.
If anybody
is at fault, it's me.
You tried to tell me
to postpone the party.
But did I listen? No.
You told me the guys needed time to cool off.
And were you right? Yes.
So the next time I try to do
something crazy, somebody slap me.
I got that.
Look, guys,
I'm a rookie.
That's why I need you.
And I'm gonna make mistakes.
And how am I gonna learn without advice from the veterans?
All right, you know what?
Forget it.
I am so sick of all this.
I don't know what I'm doing
wasting my time with you people anyway.
Stay mad, I don't care.
I'm out of it.
That's three.
No, that's four.
She stormed out of the last Sunbeams meeting, too.
"I don't need you Sunbeams.
I'm in medical school."
(Tasha chuckles)
No, it was more like, "I'm in med school."
(both laughing)
We better go get her.
You know she's gonna take the wrong elevator
and end up in the visitor's locker room.
BOTH: Again.
(both laughing)
Sorry.
Me, too.
Oh, please kiss.
Please kiss.
(both laughing)