1 00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:09,810 Excuse me, may I borrow your pestle? 2 00:00:09,877 --> 00:00:12,080 -My what? -This. 3 00:00:12,146 --> 00:00:14,582 Oh, the smasher. 4 00:00:15,683 --> 00:00:16,717 I'm Melanie. 5 00:00:16,784 --> 00:00:18,252 Lisa. 6 00:00:18,319 --> 00:00:20,988 You seem to get this medical stuff. 7 00:00:21,055 --> 00:00:23,457 Any remedy for goggle hair? 8 00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:25,659 It's all about the ponytail. 9 00:00:25,726 --> 00:00:26,694 Ah, you're a thinker. 10 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:27,828 I like that. 11 00:00:27,895 --> 00:00:30,231 Hey, a few of us are getting together tonight for drinks. 12 00:00:30,298 --> 00:00:31,399 You want to go out? 13 00:00:31,465 --> 00:00:33,501 Desperately, but I can't. 14 00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:36,304 I'm putting a surprise gift together for my boyfriend. 15 00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:37,538 That's sweet. 16 00:00:37,605 --> 00:00:39,707 What is it: birthday, anniversary... 17 00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:41,675 slept with his brother? 18 00:00:41,742 --> 00:00:43,511 (laughs): New job. 19 00:00:43,577 --> 00:00:44,878 He plays football for the Sabers, 20 00:00:44,945 --> 00:00:47,781 and this week is his first Monday night game. 21 00:00:47,848 --> 00:00:48,949 Wow, that's cool. 22 00:00:49,016 --> 00:00:50,151 What are you getting him? 23 00:00:50,218 --> 00:00:53,387 Well, actually it's not forDerwin, it's from Derwin. 24 00:00:53,454 --> 00:00:54,988 He gets hazed because he's a rookie, 25 00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:56,357 so I thought gifts might keep them 26 00:00:56,424 --> 00:00:59,127 from taping his butt cheeks together. 27 00:00:59,193 --> 00:01:00,361 Again. 28 00:01:00,428 --> 00:01:02,196 You call that hazing? 29 00:01:02,263 --> 00:01:04,331 Nah, I call it foreplay. 30 00:01:10,804 --> 00:01:12,740 (players hooting) 31 00:01:15,008 --> 00:01:16,610 I love you, too, man. 32 00:01:16,677 --> 00:01:18,412 Yeah. 33 00:01:24,685 --> 00:01:26,620 Oh, Lord. 34 00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:35,963 All that I ask is that before the torture begins... 35 00:01:36,029 --> 00:01:38,632 that you take a minute and think. 36 00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:40,901 What would Jesus do? 37 00:01:40,968 --> 00:01:43,704 Rookie, even Jesus 38 00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:45,573 would know better than to give the apostles flowers 39 00:01:45,639 --> 00:01:47,808 in a little cup that says "Love, Jesus." 40 00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:52,346 Who the hell gave out presents? 41 00:01:52,413 --> 00:01:54,615 Read your damn cup. 42 00:01:54,682 --> 00:01:56,184 "Love, Derwin." 43 00:01:56,250 --> 00:01:58,786 Who the hell is Derwin? 44 00:01:59,420 --> 00:02:01,054 I didn't do it. 45 00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:03,691 It must have been my girlfriend, but trust, when I get home-- 46 00:02:03,757 --> 00:02:07,361 Whoo!-- I am going to handle her. 47 00:02:07,428 --> 00:02:08,662 Oh, you better handle it. 48 00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:10,631 'Cause once one dummy gives out gifts, 49 00:02:10,698 --> 00:02:12,433 then everybody feels like they need to reciprocate. 50 00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:16,537 So let's all just throw the... sticks away, 51 00:02:16,604 --> 00:02:17,871 and forget this every happened. 52 00:02:17,938 --> 00:02:19,072 -Rook, -All right? 53 00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:20,174 I'm throwing this in, 54 00:02:20,241 --> 00:02:21,342 not because I didn't appreciate it, 55 00:02:21,409 --> 00:02:23,611 but because I think it's crap. 56 00:02:23,677 --> 00:02:25,946 I think you might be missing the spirit 57 00:02:26,013 --> 00:02:28,349 in which these gifts were given. 58 00:02:29,683 --> 00:02:31,819 Man, I heard Tom Brady gave his whole team 59 00:02:31,885 --> 00:02:34,288 Rolexes for their last Monday night game. 60 00:02:34,355 --> 00:02:35,823 Yeah, how about a little appreciation 61 00:02:35,889 --> 00:02:37,191 from our quarterback? 62 00:02:37,258 --> 00:02:39,159 Oh, okay, I get it. 63 00:02:39,227 --> 00:02:41,061 What y'all want? Laptops? 64 00:02:41,128 --> 00:02:42,363 Pool tables? 65 00:02:42,430 --> 00:02:45,366 What cost more than Rolies? 66 00:02:45,433 --> 00:02:47,100 (all shouting at once) 67 00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:48,502 JASON: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 68 00:02:48,569 --> 00:02:49,970 See, this is what I'm talking about. 69 00:02:50,037 --> 00:02:51,872 Rich people don't need to be giving rich people gifts. 70 00:02:51,939 --> 00:02:54,107 Yeah, said the richest guy on the team. 71 00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:57,645 This isn't just about money, Chuck. 72 00:02:57,711 --> 00:02:59,112 We busted our butts to earn the Monday night game, 73 00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:00,848 now we're finally getting some national coverage. 74 00:03:00,914 --> 00:03:03,251 This is no time to shop. 75 00:03:03,317 --> 00:03:04,452 We have to focus. 76 00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:05,786 Yeah, so all you big money guys 77 00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:07,120 can get your big endorsement deals. 78 00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:09,390 When's some of that coin going to trickle down to us? 79 00:03:09,457 --> 00:03:11,559 Yeah, 'cause we're the ones making you look good? 80 00:03:11,625 --> 00:03:12,560 MALIK: Hey, hey, hey. 81 00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:14,362 Y'all ease up on Jason. 82 00:03:14,428 --> 00:03:16,997 He's not just about big money endorsement deals. 83 00:03:17,064 --> 00:03:18,065 Thank you, Malik. 84 00:03:18,131 --> 00:03:20,701 He's also about selling his jerseys, his trading cards, 85 00:03:20,768 --> 00:03:22,370 his big yellow bobblehead, his... 86 00:03:22,436 --> 00:03:24,672 Thank you, Malik. 87 00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:27,040 Hey, don't worry fellas. 88 00:03:27,107 --> 00:03:28,409 Christmas is coming early this year. 89 00:03:28,476 --> 00:03:31,312 I'm lacing the whole offense with what: Rolies! 90 00:03:31,379 --> 00:03:32,680 (all cheering) 91 00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:33,647 No, no, no, no! 92 00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:35,082 Rolies, is that all you got? 93 00:03:35,148 --> 00:03:38,252 Yo, I'm getting all the defensive players plasmas. 94 00:03:38,319 --> 00:03:39,687 (players cheering, hooting) 95 00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:42,222 Oh, you must have thought I was getting regular Rolies. 96 00:03:42,290 --> 00:03:45,192 (chuckles) Nah, I'm getting ones with plasmas in them. 97 00:03:45,259 --> 00:03:47,160 (hooting, cheering) 98 00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:48,362 Special Teams, you in? 99 00:03:48,429 --> 00:03:50,898 No doubt. 100 00:03:50,964 --> 00:03:53,066 What up, Captain Franchise? 101 00:03:53,133 --> 00:03:54,935 Are you in, 102 00:03:55,002 --> 00:03:57,405 or do we have to go flip over your Geo Metro? 103 00:03:57,471 --> 00:03:59,773 (players chanting "Jason") 104 00:04:01,509 --> 00:04:02,843 All right, all right, all right, 105 00:04:02,910 --> 00:04:04,945 all right, all right, all right! 106 00:04:05,012 --> 00:04:08,015 You guys are like a bunch of nine-year-olds! 107 00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:09,583 I'm in. 108 00:04:09,650 --> 00:04:10,918 Now, where's that rookie? 109 00:04:10,984 --> 00:04:12,986 I'm going to beat his punk ass for setting this off. 110 00:04:18,726 --> 00:04:21,495 You don't have to get me anything. 111 00:04:37,745 --> 00:04:39,947 Uh-huh. What do you mean they hated it? 112 00:04:40,013 --> 00:04:42,383 They hated it, hated it, or were they hating on it 113 00:04:42,450 --> 00:04:44,352 because they loved it so much? 114 00:04:44,418 --> 00:04:46,320 Hated it, hated it. 115 00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:53,327 Oh, my God. 116 00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:55,629 They're calling me Rookie Smurf. 117 00:04:57,765 --> 00:04:59,299 "Love, Derwin"? 118 00:04:59,367 --> 00:05:01,602 Woman, what were you thinking?! 119 00:05:01,669 --> 00:05:03,837 -It said, "Love, Derwin"? -Yeah. 120 00:05:03,904 --> 00:05:06,774 God! I knew that old lady would mess up. 121 00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:08,476 You know, if they're too old to drive, 122 00:05:08,542 --> 00:05:10,043 they're too old to work retail. 123 00:05:11,712 --> 00:05:13,180 Because I-I did say put "Love, Derwin", 124 00:05:13,246 --> 00:05:14,915 but then we debated whether it was appropriate 125 00:05:14,982 --> 00:05:16,484 to use "love" from one man to another. 126 00:05:16,550 --> 00:05:18,452 So I said put "from" and then she said... 127 00:05:18,519 --> 00:05:19,587 Melanie, Melanie! 128 00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:22,656 There was no old lady, was there? 129 00:05:22,723 --> 00:05:24,592 No. 130 00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:28,729 So, again... what were you thinking? 131 00:05:28,796 --> 00:05:31,198 That they would stop being mean to you 132 00:05:31,264 --> 00:05:32,733 and be your friend. 133 00:05:33,867 --> 00:05:36,336 And maybe throw you the ball. 134 00:05:37,805 --> 00:05:40,408 Boo, I know you meant well. 135 00:05:40,474 --> 00:05:43,210 and I'm sure once my hair goes back to its natural color, 136 00:05:43,276 --> 00:05:45,145 I'll appreciate it. 137 00:05:45,212 --> 00:05:46,514 But, baby girl, I'm okay. 138 00:05:46,580 --> 00:05:49,049 Aren't you tired of them hazing you? 139 00:05:49,116 --> 00:05:50,751 I know it hurts your feelings. 140 00:05:50,818 --> 00:05:53,487 I see you writing in your diary. 141 00:05:53,554 --> 00:05:55,689 Okay, what I'm writing in my "journal"... 142 00:05:57,090 --> 00:05:59,960 ...is how hazing is a rite of passage. 143 00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:01,762 Lynn Swann, Jerry Rice-- 144 00:06:01,829 --> 00:06:03,664 all the greats have been hazed. 145 00:06:03,731 --> 00:06:06,033 So the guys dye my hair blue, shave my eyebrows, 146 00:06:06,099 --> 00:06:08,836 or pull my underwear off through my pants... 147 00:06:11,138 --> 00:06:13,774 it means they respect me. 148 00:06:13,841 --> 00:06:16,477 Even when they tape your butt cheeks? 149 00:06:16,544 --> 00:06:18,812 Especially when they tape my butt cheeks. 150 00:06:21,849 --> 00:06:24,852 You won't believe what went down 151 00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:25,853 at practice today. 152 00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:27,955 Did they hold you down and dry-shave your... 153 00:06:28,021 --> 00:06:29,523 Honey... 154 00:06:29,590 --> 00:06:30,558 That was rookie year, 155 00:06:30,624 --> 00:06:32,292 we agreed never to speak of it again. 156 00:06:32,359 --> 00:06:33,427 (laughs) 157 00:06:33,494 --> 00:06:34,528 Okay, I'm sorry. 158 00:06:34,595 --> 00:06:35,829 What happened? 159 00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:38,065 That dumb rookie receiver went and bought everybody presents 160 00:06:38,131 --> 00:06:39,533 for Monday night's game, so now Malik 161 00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,368 and the rest of those fools are dragging me 162 00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:43,671 into a bling-bling gift-giving competition. 163 00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:45,739 Don't panic. We can get through this. 164 00:06:45,806 --> 00:06:47,140 What did Derwin give? 165 00:06:47,207 --> 00:06:48,442 -Who? -Rookie. 166 00:06:48,509 --> 00:06:54,915 Oh, he gave some bamboo stuck in a coffee mug. 167 00:06:54,982 --> 00:06:55,949 Bamboo? 168 00:06:56,016 --> 00:06:58,051 (scoffs) That reeks of Melanie. 169 00:06:58,118 --> 00:06:59,052 Who? 170 00:06:59,119 --> 00:07:00,153 Rookie's girlfriend. 171 00:07:00,220 --> 00:07:01,822 -Oh. -Okay, 172 00:07:01,889 --> 00:07:04,525 what can we give that fits in our budget? 173 00:07:04,592 --> 00:07:05,693 You don't understand, they were talking 174 00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,495 about plasmas and Rolexes. 175 00:07:07,561 --> 00:07:11,665 I think the kicker's getting a trip to the space station. 176 00:07:11,732 --> 00:07:13,701 Look, as long as we get your gift out next, 177 00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:15,569 all we have to do is top bamboo. 178 00:07:15,636 --> 00:07:17,437 We'll come up with something cheap and easy. 179 00:07:17,505 --> 00:07:19,573 Ooh, woof, woman. 180 00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:22,409 When you talk like that, it turns me on. 181 00:07:22,476 --> 00:07:23,577 (giggles) 182 00:07:23,644 --> 00:07:24,878 No time for that now. 183 00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:27,748 Brittany, bring Mommy her Bedazzler! 184 00:07:29,683 --> 00:07:32,219 You're telling me Rolex don't make a watch 185 00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:33,621 with a plasma in it? 186 00:07:33,687 --> 00:07:35,523 Maybe you get to the playoffs 187 00:07:35,589 --> 00:07:38,391 before you start making stuff up. 188 00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:39,627 My name is out there, Babak. 189 00:07:39,693 --> 00:07:41,194 I've got to come right. 190 00:07:41,261 --> 00:07:43,831 Hmm. What about this? 191 00:07:43,897 --> 00:07:45,933 It says, "I'm spending out of control, 192 00:07:45,999 --> 00:07:48,636 -but I'm keeping it real." -Yeah. 193 00:07:48,702 --> 00:07:50,370 That's it. 194 00:07:50,437 --> 00:07:52,973 And since I'm buying so many, I'm gonna need a deal. 195 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:53,841 Of course. 196 00:07:53,907 --> 00:07:56,176 Normally, $2,000 with tax. 197 00:07:56,243 --> 00:07:58,111 For you, no tax. 198 00:07:58,178 --> 00:08:00,113 Thanks, Babak. 199 00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:01,682 You always got my back. 200 00:08:01,749 --> 00:08:03,517 How many times I got to throw your ass 201 00:08:03,584 --> 00:08:04,652 out of my house, Babar? 202 00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:06,286 It's, uh, Babak. 203 00:08:06,353 --> 00:08:08,656 No, it's, uh, ba-bye. 204 00:08:08,722 --> 00:08:10,357 Don't park in my driveway no more. 205 00:08:10,423 --> 00:08:12,159 I'm sorry, Miss Tasha, I'm gone. 206 00:08:12,225 --> 00:08:15,629 Ma... you can't just kick out my jewelry rep. 207 00:08:15,696 --> 00:08:17,297 I can't end up with no conflict diamonds. 208 00:08:17,364 --> 00:08:19,399 I can't believe you got yourself caught up 209 00:08:19,466 --> 00:08:20,668 in this gift nonsense. 210 00:08:20,734 --> 00:08:21,802 I know that look. 211 00:08:21,869 --> 00:08:24,137 You don't think I know how to handle my money. 212 00:08:24,204 --> 00:08:26,874 Malik, you just bought another car the other day, and you were 213 00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:29,276 only supposed to go around the corner for some eggs. 214 00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:31,044 So, no, I don't. 215 00:08:31,111 --> 00:08:33,647 I need to give gifts in keeping with my new status. 216 00:08:33,714 --> 00:08:35,048 I'm a $40-million-dollar kid. 217 00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:37,350 And the kid wants to give bling. 218 00:08:37,417 --> 00:08:38,652 Well, the kid needs to focus 219 00:08:38,719 --> 00:08:39,852 on getting a win Monday night. 220 00:08:39,919 --> 00:08:41,688 Malik, you're gonna be on national television. 221 00:08:41,755 --> 00:08:42,990 Have you watched your film? 222 00:08:43,056 --> 00:08:45,793 Chicago's cover two is eating quarterbacks alive. 223 00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:48,662 Which is why I'm getting gifts. 224 00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:50,397 So I can take care of my guys, 225 00:08:50,463 --> 00:08:51,732 and they can take care of me, 226 00:08:51,799 --> 00:08:53,400 and I can take care of Chicago. 227 00:08:53,466 --> 00:08:54,802 It's a chain, Ma. 228 00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:56,737 That's what I'm getting them. 229 00:08:56,804 --> 00:08:58,271 I'm getting them chains. 230 00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:01,809 You all right, Ma? 231 00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:04,745 Yeah. Sometimes it throws me when you make sense. 232 00:09:04,812 --> 00:09:06,680 -Hmm. -All right, you focus on the game, 233 00:09:06,747 --> 00:09:08,248 and I'll take care of the gifts. 234 00:09:08,315 --> 00:09:09,249 -Thanks. -Mm-hmm. 235 00:09:09,316 --> 00:09:10,651 Get a little something for yourself. 236 00:09:10,718 --> 00:09:12,753 I just want my damn eggs. 237 00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:21,161 Good job, Brit-brat. 238 00:09:21,228 --> 00:09:23,496 Daddy's little rhinestone cowgirl. 239 00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:25,098 See? 240 00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:27,735 And you were mad when I got you the Bedazzler for Christmas. 241 00:09:27,801 --> 00:09:30,303 You always confuse mad with disappointed. 242 00:09:30,370 --> 00:09:33,506 They're not the same. 243 00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:35,308 How much more, Mama? 244 00:09:35,375 --> 00:09:36,543 I'm hungry. 245 00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:37,678 So is Mommy, honey. 246 00:09:37,745 --> 00:09:38,812 That's a good thing. 247 00:09:38,879 --> 00:09:40,614 If we can get these T-shirts done 248 00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:41,782 and delivered within the hour, 249 00:09:41,849 --> 00:09:43,383 we'll beat everyone to the punch. 250 00:09:43,450 --> 00:09:44,517 (doorbell rings) 251 00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:45,653 I got it. 252 00:09:45,719 --> 00:09:46,787 Keep working, girls. 253 00:09:46,854 --> 00:09:48,555 We can do this. 254 00:09:48,622 --> 00:09:49,790 Oh! 255 00:09:49,857 --> 00:09:51,591 Don't eat the glue, baby. 256 00:09:51,659 --> 00:09:53,961 Everything has calories. 257 00:09:54,027 --> 00:09:56,329 And remember, only five bedazzles per T-shirt. 258 00:09:56,396 --> 00:09:58,365 Rhinestones aren't cheap. 259 00:09:58,431 --> 00:10:01,735 "With heartfelt thanks for all the hard work you do. 260 00:10:01,802 --> 00:10:03,403 "Your quarterback, Malik. 261 00:10:03,470 --> 00:10:06,606 P.S. Top this." 262 00:10:06,674 --> 00:10:09,409 It's Cartier. 263 00:10:09,476 --> 00:10:11,344 Damn! 264 00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:14,815 See, I-I knew this was going to get out of hand, I knew it. 265 00:10:14,882 --> 00:10:17,217 Now can we eat? 266 00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:18,351 Go wash up, 267 00:10:18,418 --> 00:10:20,888 and Mommy will have dinner microwaved in a second. 268 00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:23,991 (sighs) 269 00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:27,160 We're gonna have to cough up for something big now, babe. 270 00:10:27,227 --> 00:10:28,395 I'm sorry. 271 00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:29,629 No way. 272 00:10:29,697 --> 00:10:31,531 -Not doing it. -But you have to. 273 00:10:31,598 --> 00:10:32,833 No, I don't. 274 00:10:32,900 --> 00:10:34,702 Jason, you're the captain of the football team. 275 00:10:34,768 --> 00:10:35,903 I'm President of the Sunbeams. 276 00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:37,705 We're too high profile not to reciprocate. 277 00:10:37,771 --> 00:10:38,839 Do you have any idea 278 00:10:38,906 --> 00:10:40,708 what people will say if we don't? 279 00:10:40,774 --> 00:10:42,175 Sticks and stones, Kelly. 280 00:10:42,242 --> 00:10:43,711 Sticks and stones. 281 00:10:43,777 --> 00:10:46,613 I don't care what people say about us. 282 00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:48,682 This is no time to be cheap. 283 00:10:48,749 --> 00:10:50,818 You know how the Sabers are your team? 284 00:10:50,884 --> 00:10:52,219 Well, the Sunbeams are my team, 285 00:10:52,285 --> 00:10:53,453 and I need their respect. 286 00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:56,289 Well, let them respect the fact that we don't waste money. 287 00:10:56,356 --> 00:10:59,126 It's not wasted when it's for someone you really love. 288 00:10:59,192 --> 00:11:00,193 What?! 289 00:11:00,260 --> 00:11:01,661 I don't love those guys. Please. 290 00:11:01,729 --> 00:11:03,596 That's the kind of stuff they got going on 291 00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:06,133 up in the Canadian Football League. 292 00:11:06,199 --> 00:11:07,434 Look, I'm just saying, I... 293 00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:09,803 I'm not spending the money, end of discussion. 294 00:11:09,870 --> 00:11:11,604 -(phone rings) -Fine. Never mind. 295 00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:13,240 Glad we agree. 296 00:11:13,306 --> 00:11:15,542 (scoffs) 297 00:11:15,608 --> 00:11:18,011 Hello? 298 00:11:18,078 --> 00:11:20,147 Yes, I got the watch. 299 00:11:20,213 --> 00:11:22,883 I know. I know! 300 00:11:22,950 --> 00:11:25,418 Oh, I could kill Melanie for starting this. 301 00:11:25,485 --> 00:11:26,820 I spent all morning shopping 302 00:11:26,887 --> 00:11:28,555 and didn't get a thing for myself. 303 00:11:28,621 --> 00:11:30,557 And now with the nanny out delivering the gifts, 304 00:11:30,623 --> 00:11:34,094 I have to cancel my spa date and baby-sit my own kids? 305 00:11:34,161 --> 00:11:38,031 They're good kids once you get to know them. 306 00:11:38,098 --> 00:11:42,669 Cassie, I've got another call. 307 00:11:42,736 --> 00:11:44,471 Hello? 308 00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:47,207 Please tell me you're not doing this damn gift thing. 309 00:11:47,274 --> 00:11:49,176 Kelly, I don't need this right now. 310 00:11:49,242 --> 00:11:51,912 I got Trent's mom wanting money, my mom wanting money, 311 00:11:51,979 --> 00:11:53,646 Little Trent's mom wanting money. 312 00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:54,815 Which one's Melanie anyway? 313 00:11:54,882 --> 00:11:56,716 That doe-eyed, snobby one? 314 00:11:56,784 --> 00:11:57,885 That's her. 315 00:11:57,951 --> 00:12:01,088 Erica, I got to go. I have another call. 316 00:12:01,154 --> 00:12:02,255 (sighs) 317 00:12:02,322 --> 00:12:03,590 What? 318 00:12:03,656 --> 00:12:04,724 I am so pissed at Jerry. 319 00:12:04,792 --> 00:12:06,794 I can't believe he had me spend $10,000 320 00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:07,995 on Baccarat paperweights. 321 00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:10,397 Then I tried to take them back, because, I mean, really, 322 00:12:10,463 --> 00:12:12,665 when was the last time a gust of wind blew 323 00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:14,101 through anybody's house around here? 324 00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:16,069 But they wouldn't give me my money back. 325 00:12:16,136 --> 00:12:18,205 But you know what? I'm getting my money back. 326 00:12:18,271 --> 00:12:19,907 Give me Melanie's number. 327 00:12:19,973 --> 00:12:22,242 Better yet, give me that bitch's address. 328 00:12:22,309 --> 00:12:25,545 Jenny, remember what your therapist said. 329 00:12:25,612 --> 00:12:27,547 The medicine is your friend. 330 00:12:27,614 --> 00:12:29,582 TASHA: Kelly! 331 00:12:29,649 --> 00:12:31,718 I got to go. 332 00:12:31,785 --> 00:12:32,953 This is a hot mess. 333 00:12:33,020 --> 00:12:34,521 You got to call a special meeting. 334 00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:37,190 Thanks to Melanie, we got a bunch of angry wives 335 00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:38,892 acting up at home, which means 336 00:12:38,959 --> 00:12:40,427 laundry ain't being done, 337 00:12:40,493 --> 00:12:41,694 sex ain't being had, 338 00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:43,196 and 300-pound linemen 339 00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:45,465 are eating Pudding Pops for dinner. 340 00:12:45,532 --> 00:12:48,201 Which means, they're showing up horny, hungry and funky. 341 00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:49,369 Which means, 342 00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:51,738 come Monday night, they're not playing their best, 343 00:12:51,805 --> 00:12:53,874 which means, we don't win the game. 344 00:12:53,941 --> 00:12:56,209 And then, you're messing with my son's career, 345 00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:58,211 and thus and such, my career. 346 00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:01,248 And at that point, earrings will be removed. 347 00:13:03,150 --> 00:13:04,952 (all talking at once) 348 00:13:05,018 --> 00:13:06,719 (gavel banging) 349 00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:10,790 Ladies, ladies, let her speak. 350 00:13:10,858 --> 00:13:13,393 I have no idea how it got to this point. 351 00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:16,063 I was just trying to do something nice. 352 00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:18,665 Look, Med School, you have to check with us 353 00:13:18,731 --> 00:13:19,799 before you do anything 354 00:13:19,867 --> 00:13:21,268 that affects the entire organization. 355 00:13:21,334 --> 00:13:24,071 Nobody has the time, money, or patience for this crap. 356 00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:25,906 I gave good luck bamboo. 357 00:13:25,973 --> 00:13:28,541 It symbolizes strength, 358 00:13:28,608 --> 00:13:31,211 lasting friendships, and blessings of happiness. 359 00:13:31,278 --> 00:13:34,481 Do you know how most people would be affected by that? 360 00:13:34,547 --> 00:13:35,648 They would say "thank you." 361 00:13:35,715 --> 00:13:38,151 They wouldn't tape my boyfriend's butt cheeks together 362 00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:39,552 or attack me at this meeting, 363 00:13:39,619 --> 00:13:41,488 and they certainly wouldn't egg my car. 364 00:13:41,554 --> 00:13:42,822 Would they, Jenny? 365 00:13:44,224 --> 00:13:46,994 Melanie, your apology's getting a little long-winded. 366 00:13:47,060 --> 00:13:49,596 Let's wrap it up. 367 00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:51,098 I'm not apologizing. 368 00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:53,600 You're the ones who turned a thoughtful gesture 369 00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:56,937 into an ugly, greedy, excessive, competitive mess. 370 00:13:57,004 --> 00:13:59,572 It was an act of kindness, people. 371 00:13:59,639 --> 00:14:02,109 Not a challenge to spend more money in a day 372 00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:04,444 than most people make in a year. 373 00:14:04,511 --> 00:14:06,947 And you want my apology? 374 00:14:07,014 --> 00:14:09,049 The only thing I'm sorry about 375 00:14:09,116 --> 00:14:12,019 is that I gave my gift to the wrong people. 376 00:14:20,660 --> 00:14:23,296 I guess she told y'all. 377 00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:31,071 Do we smoke it? 378 00:14:31,138 --> 00:14:34,341 (chuckles) It's good luck bamboo. 379 00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:35,808 Oh, thank you. 380 00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:39,012 No. Thank you for saying "thank you" 381 00:14:39,079 --> 00:14:41,714 and for reaffirming my faith in humanity. 382 00:14:41,781 --> 00:14:45,318 You're not about to invite me to a bible study, are you? 383 00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:47,020 (laughs) No. 384 00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:49,589 I was going to invite you for drinks. 385 00:14:49,656 --> 00:14:51,258 Tonight? 386 00:14:51,324 --> 00:14:52,759 Well, actually, any night except tonight. 387 00:14:52,825 --> 00:14:55,795 It's the Monday night game I was telling you about. 388 00:14:55,862 --> 00:14:57,364 I've never been to a football game. 389 00:14:57,430 --> 00:14:58,932 Sounds like it could be fun. 390 00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:01,468 Hardly. I have to hang with the Saber wives. 391 00:15:01,534 --> 00:15:03,236 They're like crabs in a barrel. 392 00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:05,005 They just pull you down and snap at you 393 00:15:05,072 --> 00:15:07,340 with their little acrylic nails. 394 00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:08,541 Fake nails? 395 00:15:08,608 --> 00:15:09,742 Ew! 396 00:15:09,809 --> 00:15:10,910 Oh, you poor thing. 397 00:15:10,978 --> 00:15:12,245 Hey, I have an idea. 398 00:15:12,312 --> 00:15:15,015 Why don't I go to the game with you tonight? 399 00:15:15,082 --> 00:15:16,916 Then we can go for drinks afterwards. 400 00:15:16,984 --> 00:15:19,252 Sounds great. 401 00:15:19,319 --> 00:15:21,088 So, what are we making today? 402 00:15:21,154 --> 00:15:23,856 I don't know about everybody else, but, uh, 403 00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:25,392 I'm making cappuccino. 404 00:15:25,458 --> 00:15:27,260 (laughs) 405 00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:45,145 Kelly. 406 00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:48,281 Look, I was listening 407 00:15:48,348 --> 00:15:49,949 when you were yelling at me yesterday. 408 00:15:50,017 --> 00:15:51,051 I wasn't yelling. 409 00:15:51,118 --> 00:15:53,253 I'm kidding. You weren't yelling. 410 00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:55,555 You were nagging. I'm... 411 00:15:57,524 --> 00:15:59,392 Look, baby, I heard what you were saying, 412 00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:01,161 and I get it. I... 413 00:16:01,228 --> 00:16:02,462 Sometimes I forget the pressure 414 00:16:02,529 --> 00:16:06,833 that you're under being my wife, so... 415 00:16:06,899 --> 00:16:09,936 I'm sorry. 416 00:16:10,003 --> 00:16:12,339 Thank you. 417 00:16:12,405 --> 00:16:14,674 These aren't from the supermarket, right? 418 00:16:14,741 --> 00:16:15,808 Oh. 419 00:16:15,875 --> 00:16:18,378 Come on now, I'm not that bad. 420 00:16:18,445 --> 00:16:20,013 Costco is more than a supermarket. 421 00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:21,514 It's a lifestyle. 422 00:16:21,581 --> 00:16:23,350 Ow. 423 00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:27,287 I gave these out to the team today. 424 00:16:27,354 --> 00:16:28,688 I don't care what they think of me, 425 00:16:28,755 --> 00:16:32,459 but I don't want anybody thinking badly of my baby. 426 00:16:32,525 --> 00:16:35,262 "A donation has been made in your name 427 00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:38,131 to the victims of Hurricane Katrina." 428 00:16:42,802 --> 00:16:44,937 Nicely played, husband. 429 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:46,406 Thank you, wife. 430 00:16:46,473 --> 00:16:47,907 Mmm. 431 00:16:47,974 --> 00:16:49,809 Oh. I love you. 432 00:16:49,876 --> 00:16:51,844 Oh, guess what time it is. 433 00:16:51,911 --> 00:16:52,912 What? 434 00:16:52,979 --> 00:16:54,681 Yeah, it's make-up sex time. 435 00:16:56,583 --> 00:16:58,551 See, nothing special down here. 436 00:16:58,618 --> 00:17:00,653 It's like a big old cement driveway. 437 00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:02,289 No, I think it's cool. 438 00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:04,324 Thanks for getting me a pass. 439 00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:06,459 Well, as soon as I tell Derwin how great he was, 440 00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:07,794 we can go get our drink on. 441 00:17:07,859 --> 00:17:10,097 -But he didn't play. -Yeah, he did. 442 00:17:10,163 --> 00:17:13,566 You just missed it when you were passing that guy his hot dog. 443 00:17:13,633 --> 00:17:16,069 Oh, my God. Was that the quarterback? 444 00:17:16,136 --> 00:17:18,070 No, there's the quarterback. 445 00:17:22,242 --> 00:17:23,843 -Oh, no. -What? 446 00:17:23,910 --> 00:17:26,779 Remember all that Sunbeam drama I was telling you about? 447 00:17:26,846 --> 00:17:27,980 -Mm-hmm. -Well, here comes 448 00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:30,016 the queen bee and the bougie bee. 449 00:17:30,083 --> 00:17:31,218 Don't worry, I got your back, 450 00:17:31,284 --> 00:17:32,652 but you're buying the first round. 451 00:17:32,719 --> 00:17:33,586 Deal. 452 00:17:33,653 --> 00:17:36,323 Hey, girl, when did you get here? 453 00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:37,590 I've been here the whole game. 454 00:17:37,657 --> 00:17:38,958 We didn't see you in the Skybox. 455 00:17:39,025 --> 00:17:41,528 Oh, I sat in the stands with my friend, Lisa. 456 00:17:41,594 --> 00:17:42,529 Hi. 457 00:17:43,630 --> 00:17:44,531 Nice nails. 458 00:17:44,597 --> 00:17:47,033 -Thank you. -Thank you. 459 00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:49,336 Why would you sit in the cheap seats 460 00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:50,803 when you could sit with us? 461 00:17:50,870 --> 00:17:53,173 I'm sorry. Did we not have an uncomfortable, 462 00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,542 bordering-on-hostile moment yesterday? 463 00:17:55,608 --> 00:17:56,643 Oh, Melanie, please. 464 00:17:56,709 --> 00:17:57,777 We won the game. 465 00:17:57,844 --> 00:17:58,845 All that's behind us now. 466 00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:01,314 Yeah. Girl, I'm so glad I didn't slap you. 467 00:18:01,381 --> 00:18:03,850 That would have been hard to come back from, huh? 468 00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:04,951 (both laughing) 469 00:18:05,017 --> 00:18:08,355 Well, it's nice you're over it, but I'm not. 470 00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:10,157 Baby, baby, we won! 471 00:18:10,223 --> 00:18:14,093 Oh, congratulations. 472 00:18:14,161 --> 00:18:15,795 Why haven't you changed? 473 00:18:15,862 --> 00:18:17,964 Oh, the fellas hid my clothes somewhere in the stadium, 474 00:18:18,030 --> 00:18:19,232 but it's cool, I'll find them. 475 00:18:19,299 --> 00:18:20,533 Whoo! We won! 476 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:23,303 And it's all because of your good luck bamboo, baby. 477 00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:24,704 I love you. Ladies. 478 00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:25,938 Whoo! 479 00:18:26,005 --> 00:18:28,208 (laughing) 480 00:18:28,275 --> 00:18:29,376 There. See? 481 00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:31,444 Your man's happy, everybody's happy. 482 00:18:31,511 --> 00:18:34,113 Girl, let's go get some Appletinis and appetizers. 483 00:18:34,181 --> 00:18:35,248 Sorry. I have plans. 484 00:18:35,315 --> 00:18:37,617 Lisa and I are going out. 485 00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:42,255 Looks like Lisa found a way to kill some time. 486 00:18:42,322 --> 00:18:44,724 I guess the white women are back in rotation. 487 00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:45,925 Mm. 488 00:18:45,992 --> 00:18:48,060 Ready to go, Leese? 489 00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:51,198 Oh, your doctor friend here's gonna hang with me tonight. 490 00:18:51,264 --> 00:18:52,699 But we're going out. 491 00:18:52,765 --> 00:18:55,368 Ooh, yeah, that probably ain't going to happen. 492 00:18:55,435 --> 00:18:57,136 Lisa, what's going on, 493 00:18:57,204 --> 00:18:59,071 and why is Malik speaking for you? 494 00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:00,072 He's just playing. 495 00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:01,308 (laughs) 496 00:19:01,374 --> 00:19:03,142 So, we're good to go? 497 00:19:03,210 --> 00:19:05,645 No, he's just playing talking for me. 498 00:19:05,712 --> 00:19:07,847 I'm going to hang out with him tonight. 499 00:19:07,914 --> 00:19:09,849 You don't mind, do you? 500 00:19:09,916 --> 00:19:11,884 But we had plans. 501 00:19:11,951 --> 00:19:14,387 But he's a quarterback. 502 00:19:14,454 --> 00:19:17,290 I thought you didn't know anything about football. 503 00:19:17,357 --> 00:19:19,726 Everybody knows the quarterback. 504 00:19:19,792 --> 00:19:21,628 I'll see you in class tomorrow. 505 00:19:21,694 --> 00:19:22,795 Or not. 506 00:19:22,862 --> 00:19:24,797 (Lisa laughing) 507 00:19:32,071 --> 00:19:33,773 Come here, little girl. 508 00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:35,608 See? 509 00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:38,177 That's why you need to stick with us. 510 00:19:38,245 --> 00:19:41,314 We may be crazy and greedy... 511 00:19:41,381 --> 00:19:44,183 and excessive. 512 00:19:44,251 --> 00:19:46,118 Hell, we're everything you said we were. 513 00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:48,154 But we're also loyal. 514 00:19:48,221 --> 00:19:49,556 And we're sorry. 515 00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:52,692 And to prove it to you, we want to take you 516 00:19:52,759 --> 00:19:55,862 to the Bamboo Gardens for a drink. 517 00:19:55,928 --> 00:19:57,730 (laughing) 518 00:19:57,797 --> 00:19:59,165 I would love that. 519 00:19:59,232 --> 00:20:01,601 God, I feel so used. 520 00:20:01,668 --> 00:20:03,703 I can't believe Lisa did that. 521 00:20:03,770 --> 00:20:05,872 Oh, sweetie, now that you're in the game, 522 00:20:05,938 --> 00:20:08,241 people are gonna like you more for your connections 523 00:20:08,308 --> 00:20:09,942 than your personality. 524 00:20:10,009 --> 00:20:12,712 Hell, my own preacher said he was praying for two tickets 525 00:20:12,779 --> 00:20:14,347 to the playoff game in the collection plate 526 00:20:14,414 --> 00:20:15,915 looking dead at me. 527 00:20:15,982 --> 00:20:17,850 That's why I can't go to church anymore. 528 00:20:17,917 --> 00:20:19,819 Yeah, that's why.