Excuse me, may I borrow your pestle?
-My what? -This.
Oh, the smasher.
I'm Melanie.
Lisa.
You seem to get this medical stuff.
Any remedy for goggle hair?
It's all about the ponytail.
Ah, you're a thinker.
I like that.
Hey, a few of us are getting together tonight for drinks.
You want to go out?
Desperately, but I can't.
I'm putting a surprise gift together for my boyfriend.
That's sweet.
What is it: birthday, anniversary...
slept with his brother?
(laughs): New job.
He plays football for the Sabers,
and this week is his first Monday night game.
Wow, that's cool.
What are you getting him?
Well, actually it's not forDerwin, it's from Derwin.
He gets hazed because he's a rookie,
so I thought gifts might keep them
from taping his butt cheeks together.
Again.
You call that hazing?
Nah, I call it foreplay.
(players hooting)
I love you, too, man.
Yeah.
Oh, Lord.
All that I ask is that before the torture begins...
that you take a minute and think.
What would Jesus do?
Rookie, even Jesus
would know better than to give the apostles flowers
in a little cup that says "Love, Jesus."
Who the hell gave out presents?
Read your damn cup.
"Love, Derwin."
Who the hell is Derwin?
I didn't do it.
It must have been my girlfriend, but trust, when I get home--
Whoo!-- I am going to handle her.
Oh, you better handle it.
'Cause once one dummy gives out gifts,
then everybody feels like they need to reciprocate.
So let's all just throw the... sticks away,
and forget this every happened.
-Rook, -All right?
I'm throwing this in,
not because I didn't appreciate it,
but because I think it's crap.
I think you might be missing the spirit
in which these gifts were given.
Man, I heard Tom Brady gave his whole team
Rolexes for their last Monday night game.
Yeah, how about a little appreciation
from our quarterback?
Oh, okay, I get it.
What y'all want? Laptops?
Pool tables?
What cost more than Rolies?
(all shouting at once)
JASON: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
See, this is what I'm talking about.
Rich people don't need to be giving rich people gifts.
Yeah, said the richest guy on the team.
This isn't just about money, Chuck.
We busted our butts to earn the Monday night game,
now we're finally getting some national coverage.
This is no time to shop.
We have to focus.
Yeah, so all you big money guys
can get your big endorsement deals.
When's some of that coin going to trickle down to us?
Yeah, 'cause we're the ones making you look good?
MALIK: Hey, hey, hey.
Y'all ease up on Jason.
He's not just about big money endorsement deals.
Thank you, Malik.
He's also about selling his jerseys, his trading cards,
his big yellow bobblehead, his...
Thank you, Malik.
Hey, don't worry fellas.
Christmas is coming early this year.
I'm lacing the whole offense with what: Rolies!
(all cheering)
No, no, no, no!
Rolies, is that all you got?
Yo, I'm getting all the defensive players plasmas.
(players cheering, hooting)
Oh, you must have thought I was getting regular Rolies.
(chuckles) Nah, I'm getting ones with plasmas in them.
(hooting, cheering)
Special Teams, you in?
No doubt.
What up, Captain Franchise?
Are you in,
or do we have to go flip over your Geo Metro?
(players chanting "Jason")
All right, all right, all right,
all right, all right, all right!
You guys are like a bunch of nine-year-olds!
I'm in.
Now, where's that rookie?
I'm going to beat his punk ass for setting this off.
You don't have to get me anything.
Uh-huh. What do you mean they hated it?
They hated it, hated it, or were they hating on it
because they loved it so much?
Hated it, hated it.
Oh, my God.
They're calling me Rookie Smurf.
"Love, Derwin"?
Woman, what were you thinking?!
-It said, "Love, Derwin"? -Yeah.
God! I knew that old lady would mess up.
You know, if they're too old to drive,
they're too old to work retail.
Because I-I did say put "Love, Derwin",
but then we debated whether it was appropriate
to use "love" from one man to another.
So I said put "from" and then she said...
Melanie, Melanie!
There was no old lady, was there?
No.
So, again... what were you thinking?
That they would stop being mean to you
and be your friend.
And maybe throw you the ball.
Boo, I know you meant well.
and I'm sure once my hair goes back to its natural color,
I'll appreciate it.
But, baby girl, I'm okay.
Aren't you tired of them hazing you?
I know it hurts your feelings.
I see you writing in your diary.
Okay, what I'm writing in my "journal"...
...is how hazing is a rite of passage.
Lynn Swann, Jerry Rice--
all the greats have been hazed.
So the guys dye my hair blue, shave my eyebrows,
or pull my underwear off through my pants...
it means they respect me.
Even when they tape your butt cheeks?
Especially when they tape my butt cheeks.
You won't believe what went down
at practice today.
Did they hold you down and dry-shave your...
Honey...
That was rookie year,
we agreed never to speak of it again.
(laughs)
Okay, I'm sorry.
What happened?
That dumb rookie receiver went and bought everybody presents
for Monday night's game, so now Malik
and the rest of those fools are dragging me
into a bling-bling gift-giving competition.
Don't panic. We can get through this.
What did Derwin give?
-Who? -Rookie.
Oh, he gave some bamboo stuck in a coffee mug.
Bamboo?
(scoffs) That reeks of Melanie.
Who?
Rookie's girlfriend.
-Oh. -Okay,
what can we give that fits in our budget?
You don't understand, they were talking
about plasmas and Rolexes.
I think the kicker's getting a trip to the space station.
Look, as long as we get your gift out next,
all we have to do is top bamboo.
We'll come up with something cheap and easy.
Ooh, woof, woman.
When you talk like that, it turns me on.
(giggles)
No time for that now.
Brittany, bring Mommy her Bedazzler!
You're telling me Rolex don't make a watch
with a plasma in it?
Maybe you get to the playoffs
before you start making stuff up.
My name is out there, Babak.
I've got to come right.
Hmm. What about this?
It says, "I'm spending out of control,
-but I'm keeping it real." -Yeah.
That's it.
And since I'm buying so many, I'm gonna need a deal.
Of course.
Normally, $2,000 with tax.
For you, no tax.
Thanks, Babak.
You always got my back.
How many times I got to throw your ass
out of my house, Babar?
It's, uh, Babak.
No, it's, uh, ba-bye.
Don't park in my driveway no more.
I'm sorry, Miss Tasha, I'm gone.
Ma... you can't just kick out my jewelry rep.
I can't end up with no conflict diamonds.
I can't believe you got yourself caught up
in this gift nonsense.
I know that look.
You don't think I know how to handle my money.
Malik, you just bought another car the other day, and you were
only supposed to go around the corner for some eggs.
So, no, I don't.
I need to give gifts in keeping with my new status.
I'm a $40-million-dollar kid.
And the kid wants to give bling.
Well, the kid needs to focus
on getting a win Monday night.
Malik, you're gonna be on national television.
Have you watched your film?
Chicago's cover two is eating quarterbacks alive.
Which is why I'm getting gifts.
So I can take care of my guys,
and they can take care of me,
and I can take care of Chicago.
It's a chain, Ma.
That's what I'm getting them.
I'm getting them chains.
You all right, Ma?
Yeah. Sometimes it throws me when you make sense.
-Hmm. -All right, you focus on the game,
and I'll take care of the gifts.
-Thanks. -Mm-hmm.
Get a little something for yourself.
I just want my damn eggs.
Good job, Brit-brat.
Daddy's little rhinestone cowgirl.
See?
And you were mad when I got you the Bedazzler for Christmas.
You always confuse mad with disappointed.
They're not the same.
How much more, Mama?
I'm hungry.
So is Mommy, honey.
That's a good thing.
If we can get these T-shirts done
and delivered within the hour,
we'll beat everyone to the punch.
(doorbell rings)
I got it.
Keep working, girls.
We can do this.
Oh!
Don't eat the glue, baby.
Everything has calories.
And remember, only five bedazzles per T-shirt.
Rhinestones aren't cheap.
"With heartfelt thanks for all the hard work you do.
"Your quarterback, Malik.
P.S. Top this."
It's Cartier.
Damn!
See, I-I knew this was going to get out of hand, I knew it.
Now can we eat?
Go wash up,
and Mommy will have dinner microwaved in a second.
(sighs)
We're gonna have to cough up for something big now, babe.
I'm sorry.
No way.
-Not doing it. -But you have to.
No, I don't.
Jason, you're the captain of the football team.
I'm President of the Sunbeams.
We're too high profile not to reciprocate.
Do you have any idea
what people will say if we don't?
Sticks and stones, Kelly.
Sticks and stones.
I don't care what people say about us.
This is no time to be cheap.
You know how the Sabers are your team?
Well, the Sunbeams are my team,
and I need their respect.
Well, let them respect the fact that we don't waste money.
It's not wasted when it's for someone you really love.
What?!
I don't love those guys. Please.
That's the kind of stuff they got going on
up in the Canadian Football League.
Look, I'm just saying, I...
I'm not spending the money, end of discussion.
-(phone rings) -Fine. Never mind.
Glad we agree.
(scoffs)
Hello?
Yes, I got the watch.
I know. I know!
Oh, I could kill Melanie for starting this.
I spent all morning shopping
and didn't get a thing for myself.
And now with the nanny out delivering the gifts,
I have to cancel my spa date and baby-sit my own kids?
They're good kids once you get to know them.
Cassie, I've got another call.
Hello?
Please tell me you're not doing this damn gift thing.
Kelly, I don't need this right now.
I got Trent's mom wanting money, my mom wanting money,
Little Trent's mom wanting money.
Which one's Melanie anyway?
That doe-eyed, snobby one?
That's her.
Erica, I got to go. I have another call.
(sighs)
What?
I am so pissed at Jerry.
I can't believe he had me spend $10,000
on Baccarat paperweights.
Then I tried to take them back, because, I mean, really,
when was the last time a gust of wind blew
through anybody's house around here?
But they wouldn't give me my money back.
But you know what? I'm getting my money back.
Give me Melanie's number.
Better yet, give me that bitch's address.
Jenny, remember what your therapist said.
The medicine is your friend.
TASHA: Kelly!
I got to go.
This is a hot mess.
You got to call a special meeting.
Thanks to Melanie, we got a bunch of angry wives
acting up at home, which means
laundry ain't being done,
sex ain't being had,
and 300-pound linemen
are eating Pudding Pops for dinner.
Which means, they're showing up horny, hungry and funky.
Which means,
come Monday night, they're not playing their best,
which means, we don't win the game.
And then, you're messing with my son's career,
and thus and such, my career.
And at that point, earrings will be removed.
(all talking at once)
(gavel banging)
Ladies, ladies, let her speak.
I have no idea how it got to this point.
I was just trying to do something nice.
Look, Med School, you have to check with us
before you do anything
that affects the entire organization.
Nobody has the time, money, or patience for this crap.
I gave good luck bamboo.
It symbolizes strength,
lasting friendships, and blessings of happiness.
Do you know how most people would be affected by that?
They would say "thank you."
They wouldn't tape my boyfriend's butt cheeks together
or attack me at this meeting,
and they certainly wouldn't egg my car.
Would they, Jenny?
Melanie, your apology's getting a little long-winded.
Let's wrap it up.
I'm not apologizing.
You're the ones who turned a thoughtful gesture
into an ugly, greedy, excessive, competitive mess.
It was an act of kindness, people.
Not a challenge to spend more money in a day
than most people make in a year.
And you want my apology?
The only thing I'm sorry about
is that I gave my gift to the wrong people.
I guess she told y'all.
Do we smoke it?
(chuckles) It's good luck bamboo.
Oh, thank you.
No. Thank you for saying "thank you"
and for reaffirming my faith in humanity.
You're not about to invite me to a bible study, are you?
(laughs) No.
I was going to invite you for drinks.
Tonight?
Well, actually, any night except tonight.
It's the Monday night game I was telling you about.
I've never been to a football game.
Sounds like it could be fun.
Hardly. I have to hang with the Saber wives.
They're like crabs in a barrel.
They just pull you down and snap at you
with their little acrylic nails.
Fake nails?
Ew!
Oh, you poor thing.
Hey, I have an idea.
Why don't I go to the game with you tonight?
Then we can go for drinks afterwards.
Sounds great.
So, what are we making today?
I don't know about everybody else, but, uh,
I'm making cappuccino.
(laughs)
Kelly.
Look, I was listening
when you were yelling at me yesterday.
I wasn't yelling.
I'm kidding. You weren't yelling.
You were nagging. I'm...
Look, baby, I heard what you were saying,
and I get it. I...
Sometimes I forget the pressure
that you're under being my wife, so...
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
These aren't from the supermarket, right?
Oh.
Come on now, I'm not that bad.
Costco is more than a supermarket.
It's a lifestyle.
Ow.
I gave these out to the team today.
I don't care what they think of me,
but I don't want anybody thinking badly of my baby.
"A donation has been made in your name
to the victims of Hurricane Katrina."
Nicely played, husband.
Thank you, wife.
Mmm.
Oh. I love you.
Oh, guess what time it is.
What?
Yeah, it's make-up sex time.
See, nothing special down here.
It's like a big old cement driveway.
No, I think it's cool.
Thanks for getting me a pass.
Well, as soon as I tell Derwin how great he was,
we can go get our drink on.
-But he didn't play. -Yeah, he did.
You just missed it when you were passing that guy his hot dog.
Oh, my God. Was that the quarterback?
No, there's the quarterback.
-Oh, no. -What?
Remember all that Sunbeam drama I was telling you about?
-Mm-hmm. -Well, here comes
the queen bee and the bougie bee.
Don't worry, I got your back,
but you're buying the first round.
Deal.
Hey, girl, when did you get here?
I've been here the whole game.
We didn't see you in the Skybox.
Oh, I sat in the stands with my friend, Lisa.
Hi.
Nice nails.
-Thank you. -Thank you.
Why would you sit in the cheap seats
when you could sit with us?
I'm sorry. Did we not have an uncomfortable,
bordering-on-hostile moment yesterday?
Oh, Melanie, please.
We won the game.
All that's behind us now.
Yeah. Girl, I'm so glad I didn't slap you.
That would have been hard to come back from, huh?
(both laughing)
Well, it's nice you're over it, but I'm not.
Baby, baby, we won!
Oh, congratulations.
Why haven't you changed?
Oh, the fellas hid my clothes somewhere in the stadium,
but it's cool, I'll find them.
Whoo! We won!
And it's all because of your good luck bamboo, baby.
I love you. Ladies.
Whoo!
(laughing)
There. See?
Your man's happy, everybody's happy.
Girl, let's go get some Appletinis and appetizers.
Sorry. I have plans.
Lisa and I are going out.
Looks like Lisa found a way to kill some time.
I guess the white women are back in rotation.
Mm.
Ready to go, Leese?
Oh, your doctor friend here's gonna hang with me tonight.
But we're going out.
Ooh, yeah, that probably ain't going to happen.
Lisa, what's going on,
and why is Malik speaking for you?
He's just playing.
(laughs)
So, we're good to go?
No, he's just playing talking for me.
I'm going to hang out with him tonight.
You don't mind, do you?
But we had plans.
But he's a quarterback.
I thought you didn't know anything about football.
Everybody knows the quarterback.
I'll see you in class tomorrow.
Or not.
(Lisa laughing)
Come here, little girl.
See?
That's why you need to stick with us.
We may be crazy and greedy...
and excessive.
Hell, we're everything you said we were.
But we're also loyal.
And we're sorry.
And to prove it to you, we want to take you
to the Bamboo Gardens for a drink.
(laughing)
I would love that.
God, I feel so used.
I can't believe Lisa did that.
Oh, sweetie, now that you're in the game,
people are gonna like you more for your connections
than your personality.
Hell, my own preacher said he was praying for two tickets
to the playoff game in the collection plate
looking dead at me.
That's why I can't go to church anymore.
Yeah, that's why.