(Derwin, woman laughing)
DERWIN: That tickles.
WOMAN: Derwin, that feels good.
DERWIN: It's not too big?
WOMAN: No, it fits perfectly.
Ooh, don't do that; you'll stretch it out.
Derwin, dinner.
DERWIN: I'm coming!
So, Armani suit for your arrival
at the stadium and the Chip & Pepper jeans
with the Christian Audigier T-shirt
for any off-field activities
Got it.
That outfit still needs a little something.
I'll give it some thought.
And you're sure my yellow three-piece
is not the move for Miami?
(chuckling): I've never been more sure of anything in my life.
Goodnight, Melanie, and you take care.
Good night, Dionne, and you... buckle up.
It's the law.
Okay.
"Buckle up, it's the law"?
Well, if you don't mind her hitting a pole
and flying through a windshield,
then I certainly don't.
Baby, baby, baby, you got to stop tripping about Dionne.
She's my image consultant.
She's just doing her job.
Well, why does she have to do it in our bedroom?
Because that's where my clothes are.
Oh, okay.
What are you doing?
Cleaning out your new closet.
Ladies, now that our wine hour
is in its third hour,
I say we choose a charity
for the Sunbeam fundraiser
before we all end up like Tara.
(all laughing)
Well, how about the San Diego Symphony?
No, we should back the Art Museum.
What about public radio?
Uh-huh, raising money for rich white folks.
That really warms my heart.
How about helping some of these poor black kids
we got running around here
starting with this one?
Mommy, there's a man here with flowers.
Maybe they're from Daddy.
Sweetie, you know Daddy doesn't believe
in giving perishable signs of affection.
You must have the wrong house.
Melanie Burnett?
They're for me?
Here you go, sweetie.
Wow!
Is this really
Jason Pitts' house?
Yes, and there's Jason Pitts' door.
Use it.
Well, come on! Come on, share.
Oh, it's okay.
It's just Derwin being sweet.
Aw, she's shy.
I'll read it.
"Sorry if my rhyme is lame,
"but I want you there when they call my name,
"Without you, Miami won't be the same.
So here's a ticket to my first away game."
ALL: Oh...
He is sweet.
You are so lucky.
I know, that's why
it's going to be so hard to tell him
that I can't go.
What? Why?
Maybe she can't take no more of that janky poetry.
Melanie, the guys never invite us to away games.
You have to go.
I can't. I really need to study this weekend.
So, study during the game.
I can get through a Vogue, a People and two Ebonys
by halftime.
First you steal our men, now our magazines.
You are crazy if you don't go.
"Away game" is just a football term for "license to cheat."
Or in Tara's case, a visit with his other family.
Melanie, we're just saying
that away games are dangerous.
That's why we Sunbeams all take turns
showing up unexpectedly.
So if a man
is even tempted to cheat, he knows
there's a chance that another wife might see him.
Oh, Allie, I'll watch Howie for you in Miami
if you'll watch Jason in Seattle.
Mm, done.
You guys really do that?
Sure. We call it "suspicion management."
I have the best marriage in the league, and I still do it.
I think of it as relationship insurance.
No, these are relationship insurance.
I cannot believe you guys didn't even notice.
Oh, my God, when did you get them?
They're fabulous.
I knew you looked different.
I thought it was your hair.
Clearly, these are not the women you need
to be taking advice from.
Trying to keep your men with sneak attacks
and chest grenades.
Y'all are just pitiful.
Well, we wouldn't have to be so pitiful
if someone who travels to all the games
would report back to us.
I go to the games as my son's manager.
I'll do y'all's charity work,
but I will not do y'all's dirty work.
I'm with Tasha.
I don't know how you people live this way.
I trust Derwin.
He would never cheat on me.
Then that's a better reason to go.
You've got a good man who wants you there.
Why would you want to disappoint him?
Sweetie,
don't let your cream turn to crap.
Hey, rookie, you're not wearing your jock.
(men whistling)
Ooh-wee!
Derwin... that's not a good look for you.
Really?
I thought I was rocking this jock strap.
Anyway, I found
your perfect little something
for your casual look in Miami.
Damn, that's almost as big as mine.
Maybe he doesn't need to compensate as much.
Ask your moms if I need to compensate.
Now you just remember what I told you--
you see any photographers in Miami...
Stand next to Malik.
And don't forget to smile,
because you have a beautiful one.
See? There it is.
Bye.
(men whooping)
That'll work.
So, you going to hit that in Miami?
No, man! You mind if I do?
Knock yourself out.
I'm taking my girlfriend.
MALIK: What? (men grumbling)
Damn, you rookies are thick.
You never invite your girl
to an away game and in Miami.
That's where all the hot senoritas are, dog.
You never heard of a South Beach Sandwich?
(chuckles)
Guys, I'm not interested in any girl but Melanie.
You know what? Good for you, man.
You still can't bring her.
It's a pipeline straight back to the wives.
Mr. Cornball Faithful,
trying to be one of the fellas.
You know you don't get down like that.
Why don't you ask your mama how I get down.
Sorry. I didn't know.
I can't just uninvite her.
This ain't a "you're sorry and you can't," rookie.
This is a "you're gonna and you will."
And put on that jock. You disgust me.
Aw, Derwin,
you sweetheart.
I'm really excited about going to Miami.
I'm really glad you feel that way, baby.
Yeah, it's going to be a good time.
Although...
I feel a little bad.
You know, the coach says girlfriends aren't allowed
in the same hotel room.
What with the practice
and team dinner, I won't be able to see you that much.
Or you know, even at all.
Or you don't want me to go, do you?
Afraid you won't have
any fun with the away-game hoochies?
Hoochies?
Hoochies?!
Oh, so now you're acting
like hoochies don't exist in football.
Oh, hoochies!
Okay, it's like this.
You can't go.
The guys don't want wives and girlfriends
at the away games,
and I can't be the only guy who brings his girl.
It's okay, Derwin, I get it.
But if I see a hoochie,
I'm going to run the other way.
Baby, I trust you.
Plus, I really need to study this weekend.
Why didn't you just tell me that?
You got me coming in here lying to you and everything.
Mel, you got to start being more honest.
(hip-hop music blaring)
(knocking)
Oh, hi, Dionne.
Derwin's in Miami.
Oh, I know.
He left the diamond chain I gave him
in his leather jacket.
I'm on my way to the airport,
so, thought I'd stop by and bring it to him.
You-You're going?
Of course.
I go to all the away games.
Go ahead, I'll be right there.
Tasha, oh, I've been meaning to...
Yeah.
Melanie called me this morning,
and the poor girl's terrified
you're trying to steal Derwin away from her.
I don't have time to be listening to that crap,
so stop messing with her head.
Are we clear?
Excuse me, you think I'm one of those
simpery little Sunbeams who's afraid of you?
Melanie's head is not my problem.
I manage images, not insecurities.
Girl, I like you.
(laughs)
Let's grab a drink later. Great, because, you know,
I've been meaning to talk to you about Malik.
I think he could really use my help.
Oh, now you just talked yourself out of an appletini.
Malik is fine; he doesn't need you.
Well, from what I hear,
he may not need either of us after tonight.
Now what now?
The ladies aren't the only ones Malik plays the field with.
He's, um, been meeting with managers
all over the country, behind your back.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Well, I'll just leave you with your thoughts.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
I feel like a stalker.
You're not a stalker,
you just stole a pass key to break into your boyfriend's room
to make sure he still loves you.
Right.
So what do I do now?
You wait until he comes in.
If he's alone, you yell "Surprise!"
Or if he's with someone, you yell "Surprise!
You need a lawyer."
We Sunbeams call that the "aha" moment.
Good sign-- fancy hand soap hasn't been used.
You check soap?
I've never even read Derwin's diary.
Derwin has a diary?
I think we may have bigger problems.
(sniffs deeply)
No cherry blossom body wash hoochie smell.
That's good.
Check the mini-bar.
If the champagne is missing, we're in trouble.
It's the stripper's energy drink.
I'm not worried about hoochies or strippers.
I just panicked when I heard Dionne was coming.
I mean, she's got it all.
She's beautiful, she's smart.
Sounds like someone's got a girl crush.
Kelly, I'm serious.
We're the wives and girlfriends.
We're not even allowed to be here,
but Dionne can come and go as she pleases.
How can I compete with that?
By staying one step ahead.
All clear.
You know what?
Healthy relationships are based on trust, not forensics.
Is that directed at me?
No, I'm just talking about my relationship.
I don't know about you and Jason.
Hey, just because I do all this
doesn't mean Jason's a bad guy.
He is a great guy.
He's just not an average guy.
These are professional football players that we're dealing with.
Jason got a text message from Miss Universe.
Not Miss America, not Miss World,
the prettiest woman in the universe.
So excuse me, Miss Judgmental,
if I got a black light.
Well, have you ever found anything?
No.
Well, what happens if you do?
I honestly don't know.
Hey, good luck.
You, too.
Let me tell you something, Malik.
You are a top-tier quarterback in this league.
I mean, you took Kansas City as far as they've ever been,
and now you're sitting in San Diego
with some mid-level $40 million contract,
when I could've had you out in Dallas making 80.
Now, I'm no genius, but 80 sounds like more than 40.
(both chuckling)
Why don't you say 100
while you're pulling numbers out your ass.
TASHA: Appletini, please.
Uh, hey, Ma.
I thought you were flying in tomorrow.
Tasha, if you think I am making this up,
I'll get the Dallas GM on the phone right now.
Oh, yeah? Well, why don't you tell Dan I said hi.
And then after you hang up, why don't you explain to Malik
how they have no offensive line to block for him,
no wide receivers to throw to,
and no prayer of making the championship.
(chuckling): Tasha...
sweetie, I did not think I had to spell it out for you,
but it is a given when a team makes
that kind of investment in a player,
they're going to do whatever they need
to protect their franchise.
Oh, and by the way,
for 80 million bucks, that's what you would've been:
the franchise player.
But would he really ever see that money, Irv?
Or would he, as Dan told me,
have to take a ten-million- dollar signing bonus
for an eight-year contract
versus the hot 15 sitting in his bank account
from the four-year deal
Tasha Mack from Tasha Mack
Management got for him?
(sighs)
Tasty.
I really thought you were coming in tomorrow.
Well, Malik, when your associate
Tee Tee called,
he said you were also interested in a music career.
My firm represents many athletes
who successfully diversify into other areas of entertainment.
Smooth.
You had Tee Tee call him about your rap career?
Look, I got two words for what his firm has done
for the world of hip hop:
Shaq Fu.
Irv, man, just go, dawg.
Your associate Tee Tee knows where to reach me.
Tasha.
Irv.
I'm sure you weren't supposed to be coming in until tomorrow.
You're not happy, Malik?
Ma...
No, you're talking to your manager.
No, I'm never not talking to my mom.
I can't separate the two, and neither can you.
To think I came down a day early
to watch other women catch their cheating men.
Well, I wouldn't be thinking about cheating
if you took my needs more seriously.
I want to rap.
And if you were just my manager,
you would have to make that happen.
Malik, I love you.
And because I do, I tell you the truth.
You can't rap.
Ma, I am nice.
I'm so nice.
I'm looking for a manager to take me seriously.
All right. All right.
I will take you seriously.
Now spit out that gum.
Taking meetings with gum in your mouth.
JASON: Is that you, sexy?
Hey, look in the closet.
I brought you a little something to slip into.
You like it?
Kelly?
All the times I came to catch you,
I never really believed I had anything to catch.
Seven years, Jason. Baby...
I gave you everything.
And now you're putting some ho-bag in my old uniform?
Giving her flowers, strawberries, champagne...
A cake that says "I love you, Kelly."
Oh, God.
Her name is Kelly, too? Oh, come...
(chuckling): Come on, baby.
Baby, we do this dance every year.
You pop out of a closet or a hamper
or a trash can...
and surprise me.
This time, I thought I'd surprise you.
You've been so busy with the Sunbeams,
I thought you deserved a romantic evening.
Really?
Put this on.
And I will show you.
(chuckling)
Mmm-hmm.
Aha!
(smacks lips)
Go home, Melanie.
(sighs)
DERWIN: Yo, Reg, I'll catch you at breakfast.
* I'm bossy
* I'm the chick that y'all love to hate *
* I'm the chick that's raising the stakes *
* 'Cause I'm bossy...
Ooh, damn.
("I'm Bossy" ringtone plays nearby)
Surprise.
Mel, what are you doing here?
I told you, you can't be here.
This is gonna really mess me up with the guys.
I know, it's just...
I missed you so much.
But now I see you,
and that should hold me till Monday, so...
I'm gone. I'm out the door.
Kiss, kiss, bye-bye.
Mel, hold up.
Oh, Dionne.
What a surprise.
Why? I told you I was coming.
Good luck tomorrow, Derwin.
Oh.
So that's why you came.
Look, Derwin,
remember when we said we're going to be honest?
Well, honestly, I messed up.
I'm jealous of Dionne, and I have to get over it.
Yeah, you do.
Melanie, we are not going to make it
if you don't trust me.
I know.
And I totally realized that
when I was hiding in your closet.
And in all fairness to myself,
the Sunbeams, which you made me join, by the way,
kicked my jealousy into crazy.
So you're saying this is my fault?
In a way.
What am I going to do with you?
Forgive me and have your way with me.
Yo, Rookie, Coach is coming.
Curfew check.
Oh. Um, I love you.
I love you, too. Bye. Okay.
Bye, sweetie.
(in distance): Curfew check!