1 00:00:04,129 --> 00:00:05,214 - Hey! 2 00:00:05,506 --> 00:00:07,233 You didn't whisper in my ear and kiss me to wake me up 3 00:00:07,257 --> 00:00:07,966 like you always do. 4 00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:10,093 - I've never done that. 5 00:00:10,385 --> 00:00:13,472 - Sweetie, wake up. It's morning. 6 00:00:16,642 --> 00:00:17,976 Liz: I love you too. 7 00:00:18,268 --> 00:00:20,103 - Anyway, I'm taking the Van out to queens. 8 00:00:20,395 --> 00:00:22,564 There's this big parade. Parades need people. 9 00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:23,899 People need hot dogs. 10 00:00:24,191 --> 00:00:26,527 That's where Van Der Beek and I step in. 11 00:00:26,818 --> 00:00:29,279 - You named your Van after the guy from Dawson's creek? 12 00:00:29,571 --> 00:00:31,633 - I've seen everything he's ever been in except for that. 13 00:00:31,657 --> 00:00:33,377 - Please just let me pay for the renovation. 14 00:00:33,450 --> 00:00:34,450 - No. 15 00:00:34,660 --> 00:00:35,994 - Or we could just hold off. 16 00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:37,663 We don't need a nursery now. 17 00:00:37,955 --> 00:00:39,998 And who knows if we'll ever even have a... 18 00:00:40,290 --> 00:00:41,375 Plant or whatever? 19 00:00:41,667 --> 00:00:44,086 - See, you're already backing off of this whole thing 20 00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:46,231 because you don't think I'm the guy to do it with. 21 00:00:46,255 --> 00:00:48,015 You're gonna bail on me. - Hey! I don't bail. 22 00:00:48,173 --> 00:00:50,175 I am still watching smash, Criss. 23 00:00:50,467 --> 00:00:51,827 - Well, I'm not gonna be the reason 24 00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:54,054 why you put anything on hold. 25 00:00:54,346 --> 00:00:56,932 I'm getting that money. 26 00:01:05,023 --> 00:01:06,525 - Good morning! - Ah! 27 00:01:06,817 --> 00:01:07,817 - Girl talk time. 28 00:01:07,859 --> 00:01:09,444 Fine, I'll go first. 29 00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:11,613 Since I had to move out of Razmig's place, 30 00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:14,324 my living situation's been a little in flux, 31 00:01:14,616 --> 00:01:17,327 and obviously I can't go to a homeless shelter. 32 00:01:17,619 --> 00:01:18,996 I mean, the people there 33 00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:21,182 can be a little sexually conservative for my tastes. 34 00:01:21,206 --> 00:01:23,000 So I was thinking... 35 00:01:23,292 --> 00:01:25,836 Maybe I could crash with you for a year or so? 36 00:01:26,128 --> 00:01:28,088 - Wow! Okay. 37 00:01:28,380 --> 00:01:30,507 Look, Hazel. I'm sorry, but no. 38 00:01:30,799 --> 00:01:32,439 You and I do need to have some boundaries. 39 00:01:32,676 --> 00:01:34,678 - Aw, poor baby. 40 00:01:34,970 --> 00:01:36,179 Can't hack it in the big city? 41 00:01:36,471 --> 00:01:37,711 Gonna move to the bay area now, 42 00:01:37,889 --> 00:01:39,933 pretend that that was your dream the whole time? 43 00:01:40,225 --> 00:01:42,561 Have fun always carrying a light sweater. 44 00:01:42,853 --> 00:01:44,855 - Is this about when I tried to cripple you? 45 00:01:45,147 --> 00:01:46,440 Jenna, that was weeks ago. 46 00:01:46,732 --> 00:01:48,859 - Bye, Hazel. 47 00:01:49,151 --> 00:01:50,986 I look forward to reading your obituary: 48 00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:53,947 "Least famous person in the world dies." 49 00:01:57,326 --> 00:01:59,828 - Lemon, didn't you get ordained online 50 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,760 and perform a lesbian wedding last summer? 51 00:02:02,039 --> 00:02:04,750 - Yes, I married Becky and Dee because love is love 52 00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:06,042 and there's no reason 53 00:02:06,084 --> 00:02:07,562 they shouldn't experience the Joy of marriage 54 00:02:07,586 --> 00:02:08,586 like any other couple. 55 00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,149 - I'm not going to the container store. 56 00:02:10,339 --> 00:02:12,174 This is my Saturday. - Congratulations. 57 00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:13,746 You just turned into your father. 58 00:02:14,009 --> 00:02:18,096 - Avery and I want to renew our vows tomorrow afternoon 59 00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:19,428 and we need and officiant. 60 00:02:19,681 --> 00:02:20,681 - Jack, no way. 61 00:02:20,891 --> 00:02:22,684 Wanting to renew your vows is a sign 62 00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:24,216 that there are deeper problems. 63 00:02:24,436 --> 00:02:25,520 You kissed Avery's mom. 64 00:02:25,812 --> 00:02:26,972 - Which they both know about. 65 00:02:27,189 --> 00:02:29,399 And they're fine with it. 66 00:02:29,691 --> 00:02:30,776 - They're fine with it? 67 00:02:31,068 --> 00:02:33,070 What bill O'Reilly erotic novel are you living in? 68 00:02:33,362 --> 00:02:35,489 - I suppose our situation is most reminiscent 69 00:02:35,781 --> 00:02:37,199 of "the commodore's lust" 70 00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:39,534 from the "patriot's after dark" series. 71 00:02:39,826 --> 00:02:40,994 - Okay, fine. 72 00:02:41,286 --> 00:02:43,914 But if I'm doing this for you, guess what, buddy. 73 00:02:44,206 --> 00:02:46,917 I get your Yankees tickets on a-Rod bobblehead day. 74 00:02:47,209 --> 00:02:49,187 And I'm gonna throw that thing in front of a train. 75 00:02:49,211 --> 00:02:52,089 Go Phillies! - Thank you, Lemon. 76 00:02:52,798 --> 00:02:53,882 - Skinny arm-havers! 77 00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:55,258 Diana! 78 00:02:55,550 --> 00:02:56,590 What a wonderful surprise. 79 00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:58,553 I did not know you were coming up for this. 80 00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:01,264 - And why wouldn't I, Liz? 81 00:03:01,556 --> 00:03:03,117 Although, a vow renewal is a little tacky, 82 00:03:03,141 --> 00:03:04,541 so I'd rather they weren't doing it. 83 00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:06,144 - Oh, really? 84 00:03:06,436 --> 00:03:08,855 That's the reason you wish we weren't doing it. 85 00:03:09,147 --> 00:03:12,984 There's no other reason, right, mother? 86 00:03:18,407 --> 00:03:19,407 - Stop, drop, and roll! 87 00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:20,701 Let me out! Let me out! 88 00:03:24,079 --> 00:03:31,962 ♪ ♪ 89 00:03:39,261 --> 00:03:41,888 - Well, Tracy, I hope you're proud of yourself. 90 00:03:42,180 --> 00:03:44,141 You were named "man of the year"... 91 00:03:44,433 --> 00:03:47,144 By the "journal of the Aryan patriot party." 92 00:03:47,436 --> 00:03:48,937 - Did they say when the banquet is? 93 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,898 Because I'm kind of between tuxes due to weight fluctuation. 94 00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:53,900 - Tray, this is not good. 95 00:03:54,192 --> 00:03:56,361 - You are a representative of the black community. 96 00:03:56,653 --> 00:03:58,813 You're supposed to be making us look better, not worse. 97 00:03:59,030 --> 00:04:00,574 - I do! 98 00:04:00,866 --> 00:04:02,427 For instance, in Pixar's upcoming movie about trash, 99 00:04:02,451 --> 00:04:05,287 I'm doing the voice of a lazy bottle of grape-flavored soda 100 00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,330 named Funky Bobo. 101 00:04:07,622 --> 00:04:10,917 Okay, I hear it! 102 00:04:11,209 --> 00:04:13,211 - Scott and I saw each other every day at work, 103 00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:15,046 but we're forbidden from speaking. 104 00:04:15,338 --> 00:04:17,883 I was living in an exact replica of cinderella's castle 105 00:04:18,175 --> 00:04:20,302 that Kim jong-UN had built for his shoe collection. 106 00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:22,137 - And I was kept in a pit 107 00:04:22,429 --> 00:04:24,848 where they made me beat my best friend to death. 108 00:04:25,140 --> 00:04:25,766 Awkward. 109 00:04:26,057 --> 00:04:27,559 - Wow. What an ordeal. 110 00:04:27,851 --> 00:04:29,895 And I know a little bit about suffering 111 00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:32,230 because I work out... a lot! 112 00:04:32,522 --> 00:04:34,941 I think we have a clip. 113 00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:59,841 - Kim jong-UN's fifth miss universe title in four years. 114 00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:02,177 And now with sports, Scott Scottsman. 115 00:05:02,469 --> 00:05:03,469 - Thank you, Avery. 116 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:05,514 Now for today's highlights. 117 00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:07,015 Kim... 118 00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:10,435 - And now with sports, Scott Scottsman. 119 00:05:10,727 --> 00:05:11,853 - Thank you, Avery. 120 00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:13,939 And now for highlights. Kim jong... 121 00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,400 - And now with sports, 122 00:05:17,692 --> 00:05:18,860 Scott Scottsman. 123 00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:20,695 - Thank you... Avery. 124 00:05:20,987 --> 00:05:23,365 And now with today's sports... 125 00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:24,866 Highlights. 126 00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:26,993 - It's a code! 127 00:05:34,251 --> 00:05:36,503 - Oh! I'm sorry. 128 00:05:36,795 --> 00:05:38,505 I was gonna come in here and cry 129 00:05:38,797 --> 00:05:41,174 'cause I didn't get back into the page program. 130 00:05:41,466 --> 00:05:43,510 But instead I'm being brave. 131 00:05:43,802 --> 00:05:45,011 - Oh, stop whining. 132 00:05:45,303 --> 00:05:48,515 I don't have a place to live, Kenneth. 133 00:05:48,807 --> 00:05:50,684 I'll have to go back upstate to that cult. 134 00:05:50,976 --> 00:05:53,520 Oh, god, I had so many husbands. 135 00:05:53,812 --> 00:05:55,272 Blah, blah, blah. 136 00:05:55,564 --> 00:05:57,315 - You really don't have a place to live? 137 00:05:57,607 --> 00:05:59,693 Well, where will you sit patiently in the dark 138 00:05:59,985 --> 00:06:01,862 while you wait for the next day to start? 139 00:06:02,153 --> 00:06:03,238 I mean, sleep? 140 00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:04,823 Miss Wassername, 141 00:06:05,115 --> 00:06:06,491 you can stay with me. 142 00:06:06,783 --> 00:06:09,828 I remember how tough it was when I first moved to New York. 143 00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:11,746 I still wouldn't be able to afford rent 144 00:06:12,038 --> 00:06:16,167 if I didn't have a roommate. 145 00:06:16,459 --> 00:06:18,587 Have a good day, Doris. 146 00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:20,189 "You have a good day too, Kenneth." 147 00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:21,715 Whatever, Doris. Grow up. 148 00:06:22,007 --> 00:06:24,134 - Well, if you really mean it... 149 00:06:24,426 --> 00:06:26,803 - I don't mean it, I nice it. 150 00:06:27,095 --> 00:06:29,764 You're staying with me, Hazel. 151 00:06:31,141 --> 00:06:35,729 - Ah, so... How was your day? 152 00:06:38,106 --> 00:06:39,232 What are you doing? 153 00:06:39,524 --> 00:06:40,804 - Answering your question, dear. 154 00:06:41,026 --> 00:06:43,945 My day was revealing. 155 00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:48,158 - Jack, I can explain. 156 00:06:48,450 --> 00:06:50,368 You love wet feet? 157 00:06:50,660 --> 00:06:52,370 - Okay, maybe I haven't mastered your code, 158 00:06:52,662 --> 00:06:54,247 but I'm trying to say you lied to me. 159 00:06:54,539 --> 00:06:56,017 You said you didn't do anything with Scott. 160 00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:57,792 Is this nothing? 161 00:06:58,084 --> 00:07:00,503 "I miss you at night. I think about you all the time. 162 00:07:00,795 --> 00:07:02,315 "I couldn't get through this without you. 163 00:07:02,339 --> 00:07:04,925 Check out Kim jong-UN's pants. Where's the flood?" 164 00:07:05,216 --> 00:07:06,718 How could you do this to me? 165 00:07:07,010 --> 00:07:09,346 - Scott and I have never touched, Jack. 166 00:07:09,638 --> 00:07:11,973 Unlike you and my mother. 167 00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:13,665 - I thought you forgave me for that. 168 00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:14,934 - Of course, darling. 169 00:07:15,018 --> 00:07:17,038 Now maybe you can forgive me for developing feelings 170 00:07:17,062 --> 00:07:18,205 for the only other person in the world 171 00:07:18,229 --> 00:07:19,648 who knew what I was going through! 172 00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:22,180 - All right, we obviously have some problems to sort out, 173 00:07:22,233 --> 00:07:23,294 but we're going to get through this. 174 00:07:23,318 --> 00:07:24,754 We're Jack and Avery. - That's right. 175 00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:25,778 We're not quitters. See? 176 00:07:25,987 --> 00:07:27,627 I'm not even angry anymore! 177 00:07:27,739 --> 00:07:28,865 - Nor am I! 178 00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:30,992 Do you wanna watch downton Abbey tonight? 179 00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:34,955 - I'd love to! Maggie Smith is a treasure! 180 00:07:41,628 --> 00:07:45,632 - ♪ My soil's pretty good so I will plant this seed ♪ 181 00:07:45,924 --> 00:07:49,803 ♪ my back's still strong enough to pull some weeds ♪ 182 00:07:50,095 --> 00:07:51,930 ♪ I can kick out all these stones ♪ 183 00:07:52,222 --> 00:07:54,766 ♪ and I can shoo these birds away ♪ 184 00:07:55,058 --> 00:07:58,728 ♪ growing together every day ♪ 185 00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:00,814 ♪ We find a little sunny spot ♪ 186 00:08:01,106 --> 00:08:02,941 ♪ with mornings full of dew ♪ 187 00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:05,068 ♪ and I will tell the garden club ♪ 188 00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:07,654 ♪ how proud I am of you ♪ 189 00:08:07,946 --> 00:08:11,908 ♪ growing together it's just botany ♪ 190 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:14,327 ♪ growing together ♪ 191 00:08:14,619 --> 00:08:17,372 ♪ planty and me ♪ 192 00:08:19,082 --> 00:08:20,500 I know. I'm sorry. 193 00:08:20,792 --> 00:08:21,876 I didn't... 194 00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:23,336 Yeah? 195 00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:25,788 - Hi, I was thinking about you. How's the parade going? 196 00:08:25,922 --> 00:08:27,048 - Uh, tough crowd. 197 00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:29,426 I had no idea the Shmuley Israel memorial parade 198 00:08:29,718 --> 00:08:31,302 was a predominantly Jewish event. 199 00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:32,863 - Criss, you don't have to do this. 200 00:08:32,887 --> 00:08:34,305 I am not gonna give up on you. 201 00:08:34,597 --> 00:08:35,908 - You know what kind of women in their 40s 202 00:08:35,932 --> 00:08:37,092 have never been married, Liz? 203 00:08:37,183 --> 00:08:38,852 Uggos, crazies, and bailers. 204 00:08:39,144 --> 00:08:40,144 You're not an uggo. 205 00:08:40,186 --> 00:08:42,564 And you're "ha-ha" crazy, not "oh, boy" crazy, 206 00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:44,482 which means you bail. 207 00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:46,651 So I'm not gonna give you an excuse to quit. 208 00:08:46,943 --> 00:08:48,945 I don't care what it takes, I'm getting that money. 209 00:08:53,324 --> 00:08:56,369 - Planty, no! 210 00:08:56,661 --> 00:08:59,539 I don't care about that. 211 00:08:59,831 --> 00:09:02,834 Okay, who am I? Who am I? 212 00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:07,547 - Doris! 213 00:09:07,839 --> 00:09:10,592 Wonderful. See you tonight, roomie. 214 00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:13,845 - Yes, you will. 215 00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:17,057 - Hazel. - What? 216 00:09:17,348 --> 00:09:21,436 - A moment, please. 217 00:09:21,728 --> 00:09:23,229 Let's cut through the crap, Hazel. 218 00:09:23,521 --> 00:09:25,690 I know how you think. You lie, you cheat. 219 00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:27,484 You manipulate to get what you want. 220 00:09:27,776 --> 00:09:29,296 I'd admire you if you weren't brunette. 221 00:09:29,444 --> 00:09:30,612 - I'm a natural blonde. 222 00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:34,449 - That's insane! 223 00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:37,160 Look, I don't know what your angle is with Kenneth, 224 00:09:37,452 --> 00:09:38,652 but you leave him out of this. 225 00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:40,747 - I don't have any angle with Kenneth, Jenna. 226 00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:42,707 I've already taken care of him. 227 00:09:42,999 --> 00:09:44,334 - What's that supposed to mean? 228 00:09:44,626 --> 00:09:47,045 - Nothing. 229 00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:50,840 Stop looking at my ass. 230 00:09:51,132 --> 00:09:53,802 - Stop pointing your ass at my eyeballs. 231 00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:56,387 - It's an honor to finally meet you, Questlove. 232 00:09:56,679 --> 00:09:58,348 - Tracy, this is Dr. Cornel West. 233 00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:00,225 He teaches African-American studies 234 00:10:00,517 --> 00:10:01,184 at Princeton. 235 00:10:01,476 --> 00:10:04,437 - Yeah, brother Walter and brother Warren and I were out 236 00:10:04,729 --> 00:10:06,856 seeing the five-year engagement last night, 237 00:10:07,148 --> 00:10:08,775 and they mentioned your concerns 238 00:10:09,067 --> 00:10:11,611 about the image you're presenting as a black man. 239 00:10:11,903 --> 00:10:13,339 - Look, I don't wanna make us look bad, 240 00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:14,781 but these dumb white writers 241 00:10:15,073 --> 00:10:16,533 don't know how us soul cats speak, 242 00:10:16,825 --> 00:10:18,827 one 'twixt the other. 243 00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:20,888 And they keep backing up this truck full of money 244 00:10:20,912 --> 00:10:21,912 for me to do this crap. 245 00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:23,080 I don't know what to do. 246 00:10:23,248 --> 00:10:24,488 - Before you change the system, 247 00:10:24,749 --> 00:10:26,835 you've got to change yourself, brother Jordan. 248 00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:28,962 Who were your black role models growing up? 249 00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:30,630 - Darth Vader, ninjas, 250 00:10:30,922 --> 00:10:33,383 some black licorice I tried to make into the shape of my dad. 251 00:10:33,675 --> 00:10:35,135 - That's the challenge there. 252 00:10:35,426 --> 00:10:36,946 How are you gonna be a black role model 253 00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:38,471 when you've never had one? 254 00:10:38,763 --> 00:10:40,473 I've been blessed to have mom and dad 255 00:10:40,765 --> 00:10:43,768 and my brother cliff, John Coltrane, Curtis Mayfield, 256 00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:46,271 and as of last night, brother Jason Segel. 257 00:10:46,563 --> 00:10:49,649 - So I just need to find my own role model to inspire me. 258 00:10:49,941 --> 00:10:50,941 But where should I look? 259 00:10:51,192 --> 00:10:52,472 - Might be closer than you think. 260 00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:54,445 Maybe right under your own nose. 261 00:10:54,737 --> 00:10:56,656 - Under my own nose. 262 00:10:56,948 --> 00:10:58,491 Like a mustache. 263 00:10:58,783 --> 00:10:59,784 A mustache. 264 00:11:00,076 --> 00:11:01,076 Tom Selleck! 265 00:11:01,202 --> 00:11:04,539 - You've got to go to a civil rights museum. 266 00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:07,250 I'm praying for my brother. 267 00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:12,714 - Excuse me. 268 00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:15,049 - Diana! The ceremony's not for a little while. 269 00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:17,552 You might wanna pace yourself. 270 00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:18,946 - Hey, are you gonna do the part 271 00:11:18,970 --> 00:11:22,015 where you say, "speak now or forever hold your peace"? 272 00:11:22,307 --> 00:11:23,558 - I was gonna. Why? 273 00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:26,686 - This is gonna be a mess! 274 00:11:26,978 --> 00:11:28,229 - Diana. 275 00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:31,399 - Excuse me, are you Elizabeth Lemon? 276 00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:32,960 During the ceremony, are you gonna do the whole 277 00:11:32,984 --> 00:11:34,704 "speak now or forever hold your peace" part? 278 00:11:34,736 --> 00:11:36,446 - Wait, what? Why? Who are you? 279 00:11:36,738 --> 00:11:38,948 - I'm Scott. I was in Korea with Avery. 280 00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,618 We used to tap messages to each other during the news. 281 00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:43,270 One day we made love while tapping. 282 00:11:43,328 --> 00:11:44,954 It was beautiful. No butt stuff. 283 00:11:45,246 --> 00:11:47,665 - No, no, no. Scott, you don't wanna break up a marriage. 284 00:11:47,957 --> 00:11:48,957 - Oh, I'm not married. 285 00:11:49,125 --> 00:11:50,376 Before I got kidnapped, 286 00:11:50,668 --> 00:11:52,104 Teresa and I were engaged to be engaged. 287 00:11:52,128 --> 00:11:54,422 - No, Jack and Diana... Avery! Avery and Diana... 288 00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:57,091 Damn it! Jack and Nancy. 289 00:11:57,383 --> 00:11:58,968 No, do not do anything. 290 00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:00,845 - Excuse me, lady. 291 00:12:01,137 --> 00:12:02,347 You do the vow? 292 00:12:02,639 --> 00:12:04,933 You know, "speak now or forever hold your peace" part? 293 00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:06,434 - Oh, my god. Are you... 294 00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:08,645 - no! I'm nobody! 295 00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:10,021 Kim Jong-Il is dead. 296 00:12:10,313 --> 00:12:11,856 I'm only waiter. 297 00:12:12,148 --> 00:12:15,318 I'm greatest waiter of all time. 298 00:12:15,610 --> 00:12:18,071 - Okay. 299 00:12:18,363 --> 00:12:20,156 Oh, boy. 300 00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:23,952 - Hey, guys! 301 00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:26,329 Quick question about the vows. 302 00:12:26,621 --> 00:12:29,123 The whole "speak now or forever hold your peace" part... 303 00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:31,575 All things considered, it kinda feels like it's just... 304 00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,253 Asking for trouble. 305 00:12:33,544 --> 00:12:34,744 - Liz, do the vows as written. 306 00:12:35,004 --> 00:12:37,548 Yes, this relationship has been tested. 307 00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:39,717 And yet here we are. 308 00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:42,512 - To quote George W. Bush, Lemon, 309 00:12:42,804 --> 00:12:43,221 "bring 'em on." 310 00:12:43,513 --> 00:12:44,753 He said that to me in galveston 311 00:12:44,847 --> 00:12:46,224 when a busload of drunk debutantes 312 00:12:46,516 --> 00:12:47,517 tried to get on his boat. 313 00:12:47,809 --> 00:12:49,477 It was named "Mr. Water boat." 314 00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:51,354 Did it sink? Yes. 315 00:12:51,646 --> 00:12:53,082 Because there were too many people on it. 316 00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:54,565 But the spirit of his words lives on. 317 00:12:54,857 --> 00:12:55,937 - Okay, but are you sure... 318 00:12:56,067 --> 00:12:57,485 - I appreciate your concern, Lemon. 319 00:12:57,777 --> 00:13:00,405 But Avery and I don't quit. Ever. 320 00:13:00,697 --> 00:13:02,615 - Hello, Kenneth. 321 00:13:02,907 --> 00:13:04,659 How are things with your new roommate? 322 00:13:04,951 --> 00:13:06,804 - Oh, are you talking about Hazel or the raccoon 323 00:13:06,828 --> 00:13:08,148 that won't let me into my kitchen? 324 00:13:08,371 --> 00:13:10,540 Either way, the answer is "wonderful." 325 00:13:10,832 --> 00:13:11,874 - I'm talking about Hazel. 326 00:13:12,166 --> 00:13:13,418 I know how she thinks, Kenneth. 327 00:13:13,710 --> 00:13:15,920 So I went down to human resources, 328 00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:17,547 turned on the old charm, 329 00:13:17,839 --> 00:13:19,507 and got a copy of the application 330 00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,634 you submitted to the page program. 331 00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:26,306 - This isn't my application. 332 00:13:26,597 --> 00:13:28,308 This isn't even my handwriting. 333 00:13:28,599 --> 00:13:30,226 - Do you know whose handwriting it is? 334 00:13:30,518 --> 00:13:31,728 Hazel's. 335 00:13:32,020 --> 00:13:34,647 She sabotaged you so you won't become a threat. 336 00:13:34,939 --> 00:13:38,192 - And to think I thought Hazel was a bitch! 337 00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:41,571 Friendly and loyal like a well-trained female dog. 338 00:13:41,863 --> 00:13:43,573 But she isn't a bitch. 339 00:13:43,865 --> 00:13:46,242 She's a meaniepants. 340 00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:50,913 This is gonna be a mess. 341 00:13:51,205 --> 00:13:53,499 - Police are reporting that a bank on Jackson Avenue 342 00:13:53,791 --> 00:13:55,710 was robbed this afternoon by a lone suspect... 343 00:13:56,002 --> 00:13:57,545 A white male in his 30s. 344 00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:59,922 Security cameras caught the getaway Van heading west 345 00:14:00,214 --> 00:14:00,882 towards Manhattan. 346 00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:02,550 - Nerf-herder! 347 00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:04,218 Nerf-herder! 348 00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:06,387 - Oh, come on, tray. 349 00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:08,198 Are you telling me you haven't found one person in here 350 00:14:08,222 --> 00:14:09,265 who inspires you? 351 00:14:09,557 --> 00:14:10,743 - What about Frederick douglass? 352 00:14:10,767 --> 00:14:12,894 - A guy with two first names? Next. 353 00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:15,396 - That dress belonged to Rosa Parks. 354 00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:16,915 She's one of my personal heroes. 355 00:14:16,939 --> 00:14:18,775 - I think I found my role model. 356 00:14:19,067 --> 00:14:20,068 - Good choice. 357 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:21,462 Sister parks once said each person must live their life 358 00:14:21,486 --> 00:14:23,166 as a model for others... - Shut up, Dotcom. 359 00:14:23,446 --> 00:14:25,448 I'm not talking about her. 360 00:14:25,740 --> 00:14:27,760 I'm talking about me looking funny in this reflection. 361 00:14:27,784 --> 00:14:29,984 I'm gonna do a movie where I play someone's fat old aunt 362 00:14:30,161 --> 00:14:32,497 and I say stuff like, "whoo-wee!" 363 00:14:32,789 --> 00:14:35,750 And "sweet child, sit yo' black ass down!" 364 00:14:36,042 --> 00:14:38,461 - No, tray, that's exactly what we're trying to avoid. 365 00:14:38,753 --> 00:14:40,797 - Questlove asked me to find a role model. 366 00:14:41,089 --> 00:14:42,840 I did. It's Tyler Perry. 367 00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:45,927 From now on, my movies will be produced, 368 00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:48,054 written, directed, and seen exclusively 369 00:14:48,346 --> 00:14:49,806 by African-Americans. 370 00:14:50,098 --> 00:14:51,307 That's right. 371 00:14:51,599 --> 00:14:53,684 I'm starting my own studio. 372 00:14:55,812 --> 00:14:57,105 - Hey. Hey, beautiful! 373 00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:59,399 - You can't go to prison, you idiot. 374 00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:02,568 They will ravage you and your beautiful woman face. 375 00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:03,861 I'll say I did it. 376 00:15:04,153 --> 00:15:05,196 I can handle prison. 377 00:15:05,488 --> 00:15:07,257 I have a mean face and I can will myself to sleep 378 00:15:07,281 --> 00:15:08,491 in any environment. 379 00:15:08,783 --> 00:15:10,243 - Wait, what are you talking about? 380 00:15:10,535 --> 00:15:12,370 - The heist. They saw your Van. 381 00:15:12,662 --> 00:15:14,372 Why didn't you take out the cameras 382 00:15:14,664 --> 00:15:17,667 and kill all the witnesses, you beautiful bastard? 383 00:15:17,959 --> 00:15:19,877 - I didn't Rob a bank, Liz. God! 384 00:15:20,169 --> 00:15:22,004 No, I sold the Van this morning... 385 00:15:22,296 --> 00:15:23,798 To a really nice young guy on meth. 386 00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:27,009 - You sold Van Der Beek? For me? 387 00:15:27,301 --> 00:15:30,555 - I sold Van Der Beek... For us. 388 00:15:30,847 --> 00:15:32,765 I don't wanna wait for our lives to be over. 389 00:15:33,057 --> 00:15:35,852 And now... I can pay to redo the upstairs. 390 00:15:36,144 --> 00:15:38,980 - And I was gonna go to prison for you. 391 00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:41,190 Even when I thought you had robbed a bank, 392 00:15:41,482 --> 00:15:42,525 I wasn't gonna bail. 393 00:15:42,817 --> 00:15:44,068 I won't bail on you! 394 00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:46,195 - You won't bail on me. 395 00:15:46,487 --> 00:15:47,572 You won't bail on me. 396 00:15:47,864 --> 00:15:49,049 - Have you ever had a girlfriend 397 00:15:49,073 --> 00:15:50,509 willing to Thelma and Louise with you? 398 00:15:50,533 --> 00:15:52,034 - No. Never. 399 00:15:52,326 --> 00:15:54,203 But come on, Bonnie and Clyde. Okay, I'm a boy. 400 00:15:54,495 --> 00:15:59,667 I'm a boy, Liz. 401 00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:02,295 - Also, I hear Pippa Middleton couldn't come today 402 00:16:02,587 --> 00:16:05,590 because Avery was borrowing her ass. 403 00:16:09,552 --> 00:16:11,512 - If anyone can show just cause 404 00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:15,183 why Jack and Avery may not be lawfully joined together, 405 00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:18,811 speak now or forever hold your peace. 406 00:16:23,065 --> 00:16:25,568 Hey, Teresa. 407 00:16:27,570 --> 00:16:30,490 - I just want Alereeb to be happy. 408 00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:35,411 - Kim... 409 00:16:35,703 --> 00:16:36,787 Where are you going? 410 00:16:37,079 --> 00:16:38,998 You're the best waiter I've ever seen. 411 00:16:39,290 --> 00:16:43,169 - I know, Mr. Stepanian. I know. 412 00:16:44,712 --> 00:16:46,631 - Great! So no one. 413 00:16:46,923 --> 00:16:48,341 - Are you people kidding me? 414 00:16:48,633 --> 00:16:50,193 - Seriously, no one has anything to say? 415 00:16:50,426 --> 00:16:51,677 You're all cowards. 416 00:16:51,969 --> 00:16:54,347 - He kissed my mother. 417 00:16:54,639 --> 00:16:56,557 - And she's in love with Scott. 418 00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:01,437 - How can you stay silent when there's so much to object to? 419 00:17:01,729 --> 00:17:03,064 What kind of friends are you? 420 00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:05,525 - I have something to say. 421 00:17:05,816 --> 00:17:07,777 I played Avery Jessup in "kidnapped by danger," 422 00:17:08,069 --> 00:17:09,570 now available on sega Genesis. 423 00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:10,862 Thank you! 424 00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:13,991 - I forgot about the TV movie that whitewashed our love story. 425 00:17:14,283 --> 00:17:16,035 I was dating another woman. 426 00:17:16,327 --> 00:17:17,912 - And I wasn't ready to get married. 427 00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:19,455 Both: We only did it because... 428 00:17:19,747 --> 00:17:22,959 - She was pregnant. - I was pregnant. 429 00:17:23,459 --> 00:17:26,796 - You truly are an amazing woman, Avery. 430 00:17:27,088 --> 00:17:28,607 The only thing you're bad at is quitting. 431 00:17:28,631 --> 00:17:30,591 - I kept my sea monkeys alive for 30 years. 432 00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:32,203 - We're both incapable of failure, 433 00:17:32,426 --> 00:17:33,506 so deep down we were hoping 434 00:17:33,761 --> 00:17:35,304 someone else would ruin it for us. 435 00:17:35,596 --> 00:17:37,356 - I mean, if we wanted this thing to succeed, 436 00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:39,517 why would we ask Liz to officiate? 437 00:17:39,809 --> 00:17:42,853 - Because I'm good at blending humor and heart? 438 00:17:43,145 --> 00:17:44,564 - I'll always care for you. 439 00:17:44,855 --> 00:17:47,316 - We'll split assets in custody equally. 440 00:17:47,608 --> 00:17:49,277 I'll take our friends "a" through "I." 441 00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:50,903 You'll get "m" through "z." 442 00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:53,531 Liz, divorce us. 443 00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:56,117 - By the power vested in me 444 00:17:56,409 --> 00:18:00,079 by the website instaminister. Estonia, 445 00:18:00,371 --> 00:18:02,873 I now pronounce you divorced. 446 00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:08,713 Yeah! Divorce! 447 00:18:09,005 --> 00:18:10,923 Whoo! 448 00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:19,390 - I thought you were my friend. 449 00:18:19,682 --> 00:18:22,059 But you were trying to destroy me the whole time. 450 00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:26,147 - It started that way. 451 00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:29,191 But then I fell in love with you. 452 00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:31,360 - All you've done is lie to me. 453 00:18:31,652 --> 00:18:32,778 How can I believe you now? 454 00:18:33,070 --> 00:18:35,615 - Believe this. 455 00:18:35,906 --> 00:18:37,533 Mmm! Ah! 456 00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:40,661 - Don't you ever do that again. 457 00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:53,758 - This would make a great room for a baby. 458 00:18:54,050 --> 00:18:56,510 - You said, "baby," instead of "plant." 459 00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:58,054 Now say, "man cave." 460 00:18:58,346 --> 00:19:01,015 Never! 461 00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:05,019 Wow. 462 00:19:05,311 --> 00:19:07,480 Didn't expect to see you tonight. 463 00:19:07,772 --> 00:19:08,772 - In all the commotion, 464 00:19:09,023 --> 00:19:09,690 I forgot to give you this little... 465 00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:13,027 Thank you for officiating our event. 466 00:19:18,824 --> 00:19:22,119 It's the remote control holder you wanted from Skymall. 467 00:19:22,411 --> 00:19:24,413 - Yes! Yes! Awesome! 468 00:19:24,705 --> 00:19:26,499 Ah! 469 00:19:26,791 --> 00:19:29,377 Ohh... 470 00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:33,214 Oh, Criss is doing a little renovating upstairs... 471 00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:36,008 Because we are thinking about having a baby... 472 00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:37,635 Together... 473 00:19:37,927 --> 00:19:41,389 That will emerge from my vagina. 474 00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:43,766 Or a Chinese vagina. 475 00:19:44,058 --> 00:19:46,018 - Okay. 476 00:19:46,310 --> 00:19:48,270 I'll see you at work tomorrow. 477 00:19:48,562 --> 00:19:49,562 - Wait, that's it? 478 00:19:49,730 --> 00:19:51,273 You're not gonna give me any advice? 479 00:19:51,565 --> 00:19:54,276 - I can't, Lemon. I don't have any right to. 480 00:19:54,568 --> 00:19:55,778 I've been, uh... 481 00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:58,447 Divorced... twice. 482 00:19:58,739 --> 00:19:59,949 Engaged two other times. 483 00:20:00,241 --> 00:20:01,701 I'm... a mess. 484 00:20:01,992 --> 00:20:04,161 But any child would be lucky to have you 485 00:20:04,453 --> 00:20:06,789 be the mother it loves then hates for a few years, 486 00:20:07,081 --> 00:20:08,207 then loves again, 487 00:20:08,499 --> 00:20:10,139 then half-heartedly defends to its spouse, 488 00:20:10,251 --> 00:20:12,545 then puts in a home. 489 00:20:12,837 --> 00:20:14,922 You don't need my advice. 490 00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:17,633 - But I still want it. 491 00:20:17,925 --> 00:20:19,719 - If you decide to have child, 492 00:20:20,010 --> 00:20:23,889 you are going to make an excellent mother... 493 00:20:24,181 --> 00:20:25,581 As long as you follow Jack Donaghy's 494 00:20:25,766 --> 00:20:27,893 25 pillars of motherhood. 495 00:20:28,185 --> 00:20:30,104 Number one, don't overthink the names. 496 00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:32,815 Stick to kings and queens of england. 497 00:20:33,107 --> 00:20:34,817 There will never be a president Ashton 498 00:20:35,109 --> 00:20:37,528 or a Dr. Katniss. 499 00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:39,989 Or a non-sexually confused Lorne. 500 00:20:40,281 --> 00:20:41,281 Number two. 501 00:20:46,495 --> 00:20:48,748 Ah, we had a good time tonight. 502 00:20:49,039 --> 00:20:52,752 I wonder what will happen to the gang next season. 503 00:20:53,043 --> 00:20:54,754 Will Liz have a baby? 504 00:20:55,045 --> 00:20:57,840 Will Jack become supreme leader of Kabletown? 505 00:20:58,132 --> 00:20:59,132 Will Kenneth... 506 00:20:59,341 --> 00:21:00,885 No, I don't care! 507 00:21:01,177 --> 00:21:04,555 All I want is Jack and Liz get together. 508 00:21:04,847 --> 00:21:07,141 On friends, it was so satisfying. 509 00:21:07,433 --> 00:21:10,811 They do on cheers, they do on moonlighting. 510 00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:12,104 Everybody do it! 511 00:21:12,396 --> 00:21:14,356 Don't overthink it, writers. 512 00:21:14,648 --> 00:21:16,567 Whoever you are.