1 00:00:03,754 --> 00:00:05,506 - Why did I just receive these viewer essays 2 00:00:05,797 --> 00:00:08,258 on the subject "why I love TGS?" 3 00:00:08,550 --> 00:00:09,259 Please tell me it's not... 4 00:00:09,551 --> 00:00:11,887 - the annual TGS viewer walk-on contest. 5 00:00:12,179 --> 00:00:13,972 It's great promotion, Lemon. 6 00:00:14,264 --> 00:00:15,984 We found that if someone is actually on NBC, 7 00:00:16,266 --> 00:00:17,935 they're 4% more likely to watch it. 8 00:00:18,227 --> 00:00:18,852 - Really? We're doing this again? 9 00:00:19,144 --> 00:00:20,979 After what happened last year? 10 00:00:21,271 --> 00:00:22,648 - Gassy patsy, you can't eat... 11 00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:24,584 Keep the white house white. 12 00:00:26,151 --> 00:00:27,911 - You know who enters these walk-on contests? 13 00:00:28,153 --> 00:00:29,153 Weirdos. 14 00:00:29,321 --> 00:00:31,257 - Read the essays, Lemon. It's not going to kill you. 15 00:00:31,281 --> 00:00:33,367 - Oh, really? 'Cause this one is typed on the inside 16 00:00:33,659 --> 00:00:34,743 of a bloody halter top. 17 00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:36,035 - Just pick one. 18 00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:37,347 And while you're at it, which one of these ties 19 00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:38,455 do you prefer? 20 00:00:38,747 --> 00:00:40,099 - I thought you said a man should never wear pastel 21 00:00:40,123 --> 00:00:41,625 unless he's a black guy on easter. 22 00:00:41,917 --> 00:00:43,557 - Usually, but I'm going on The Today Show 23 00:00:43,627 --> 00:00:44,962 to talk about Avery, 24 00:00:45,254 --> 00:00:47,339 and I need to tone down my natural aura 25 00:00:47,631 --> 00:00:48,924 of strength and sexual dominance. 26 00:00:49,216 --> 00:00:50,336 Which wasn't going to happen 27 00:00:50,509 --> 00:00:52,427 with the tie I was going to wear. 28 00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:53,971 Oh, my. 29 00:00:55,180 --> 00:00:57,015 So, uh, what is the news with Avery? 30 00:00:57,307 --> 00:00:59,107 - Uh, there isn't any, and that's the problem. 31 00:00:59,309 --> 00:01:00,909 The U.N. is useless, the state department 32 00:01:01,186 --> 00:01:02,521 is full of democrats, 33 00:01:02,813 --> 00:01:04,648 and as it turns out, amnesty international 34 00:01:04,940 --> 00:01:07,734 is nothing but a company that makes and sells candles. 35 00:01:08,026 --> 00:01:10,237 - That explains all the vigils. That is a good scam. 36 00:01:10,529 --> 00:01:12,698 - It's been a year, and the media have moved on. 37 00:01:12,990 --> 00:01:14,950 - Media is a plural noun. Put this tie on. 38 00:01:15,242 --> 00:01:16,636 - I have to find a way to get Avery's story 39 00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:17,660 back on the front page. 40 00:01:17,869 --> 00:01:20,789 Fortunately, I run a network with a news division, 41 00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:23,142 and I will do whatever it takes to keep Avery's plight 42 00:01:23,166 --> 00:01:24,166 in the public eye. 43 00:01:24,251 --> 00:01:26,253 Even... 44 00:01:26,545 --> 00:01:29,881 Go and see Matt Lauer's band. It's blues rock, Lemon. 45 00:01:30,173 --> 00:01:31,173 It's called... 46 00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:33,552 Rhythm and news. 47 00:01:37,139 --> 00:01:38,139 - Lemon, no. 48 00:01:41,351 --> 00:01:49,318 ♪ ♪ 49 00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:01,580 - Sir, I've been thinking. 50 00:02:01,872 --> 00:02:04,708 I know I'm a big shot now with my suits 51 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:06,335 and a desk lamp that I control, 52 00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:07,836 but I just want you to know 53 00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:11,423 I will always be a page at heart. 54 00:02:11,715 --> 00:02:15,135 Even if I did just receive a fancy award at my new job. 55 00:02:15,427 --> 00:02:17,095 On behalf of the mother 56 00:02:17,387 --> 00:02:18,387 Standards department, 57 00:02:18,430 --> 00:02:19,848 I, Gaylord Felcher, present you 58 00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:22,225 with the "employee of the week" award. 59 00:02:22,517 --> 00:02:24,757 Let's give it up for this 60 00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:26,438 Bag of. 61 00:02:26,730 --> 00:02:29,316 - So what can I get for you? 62 00:02:29,608 --> 00:02:30,984 - And Hazel's on it, Tracy. 63 00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:32,653 Kenneth, can I speak with you? 64 00:02:32,944 --> 00:02:35,322 - Can you? You just did. 65 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:39,201 - What's your problem? 66 00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:40,952 - Oh, my, well... 67 00:02:41,244 --> 00:02:42,829 My parents were technically brothers... 68 00:02:43,121 --> 00:02:44,557 - look, I'm trying to do my job here. 69 00:02:44,581 --> 00:02:47,376 Tracy's my responsibility now. I take care of him. 70 00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:50,629 - Oh, well, I'm sorry, Ms. Wassername, 71 00:02:50,921 --> 00:02:53,799 but I'll always be there for Mr. Jordan. 72 00:02:54,091 --> 00:02:56,176 He has a special place in my heart. 73 00:02:56,468 --> 00:02:59,763 Just like Nana Parcell, my heartworm. 74 00:03:00,055 --> 00:03:01,932 - Ugh! 75 00:03:02,224 --> 00:03:04,309 - Hey, Jack. What are you still doing here? 76 00:03:04,601 --> 00:03:06,103 Your segment was bumped. - What? 77 00:03:06,395 --> 00:03:09,022 Why? You guys doing another hard-hitting expose 78 00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:11,274 on how to plan a staycation with your cyber bully? 79 00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:12,734 - No, it's real news for once. 80 00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:14,386 There was a mine collapse in China. 81 00:03:14,653 --> 00:03:16,154 Turns out, to keep labor costs down, 82 00:03:16,446 --> 00:03:17,989 all the miners there are babies. 83 00:03:18,281 --> 00:03:21,368 They pay 'em in yogurt. 84 00:03:21,660 --> 00:03:22,661 - God. 85 00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:25,831 Remember when we used to be the world leader in baby cuteness? 86 00:03:26,123 --> 00:03:26,832 I can't compete with that. 87 00:03:27,124 --> 00:03:29,668 - Also, adult dogs can't fit in the baby mines, 88 00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:32,379 so they're lowering down puppies to bring in supplies. 89 00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:35,799 - Hey, thanks for coming to see my band last night. 90 00:03:36,091 --> 00:03:40,554 - Yes, I didn't expect you to play for four hours. 91 00:03:43,140 --> 00:03:45,060 - Hey, dummies, I need you guys to write a sketch 92 00:03:45,183 --> 00:03:48,019 with a non-speaking part for whoever wins this dumb contest. 93 00:03:48,311 --> 00:03:50,230 And do not write another sketch about Krang 94 00:03:50,522 --> 00:03:51,842 from teenage mutant ninja turtles. 95 00:03:52,107 --> 00:03:53,316 No one knows who Krang is. 96 00:03:53,608 --> 00:03:56,361 It would be a waste of time to talk about Krang on television. 97 00:03:56,653 --> 00:03:59,906 No more Krang! 98 00:04:04,286 --> 00:04:05,871 - Liz? - Krang! 99 00:04:06,163 --> 00:04:07,163 What the hell, Hazel? 100 00:04:07,414 --> 00:04:09,916 - Can I ask your advice, woman to woman? 101 00:04:10,208 --> 00:04:10,917 - Are you sure? 102 00:04:11,209 --> 00:04:11,793 'Cause I took one of those 103 00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:13,670 "which gossip girl are you?" Quizzes, 104 00:04:13,962 --> 00:04:15,314 and it said I was the dad's guitar. 105 00:04:15,338 --> 00:04:17,174 - Please. You are so amazing. 106 00:04:17,466 --> 00:04:19,050 This place is such a boys' club, 107 00:04:19,342 --> 00:04:23,138 but you boss them around like an Amazon warrior queen. 108 00:04:23,430 --> 00:04:24,890 And look at your body. 109 00:04:25,182 --> 00:04:26,933 Your rack is like, "pow!" 110 00:04:27,225 --> 00:04:29,686 - Hazel, what is the question? - It's Kenneth. 111 00:04:29,978 --> 00:04:31,021 He's not a page anymore, 112 00:04:31,313 --> 00:04:33,231 but he keeps trying to do my job for me. 113 00:04:33,523 --> 00:04:34,883 And when I confronted him about it, 114 00:04:34,983 --> 00:04:36,860 he was so condescending. 115 00:04:37,152 --> 00:04:40,071 He laughed at me, and then he undressed me with his eyes. 116 00:04:40,363 --> 00:04:42,073 And then he had his way with me. 117 00:04:42,365 --> 00:04:43,742 With his eyes. 118 00:04:44,034 --> 00:04:45,744 - Ugh. The male gaze. - Yeah. 119 00:04:46,036 --> 00:04:47,704 They're all a bunch of gays. 120 00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:51,082 - No, Kenneth is sweet, but he's still a man. 121 00:04:51,374 --> 00:04:53,126 And in our society, men get praised 122 00:04:53,418 --> 00:04:55,253 for just taking whatever they want. 123 00:04:55,545 --> 00:04:57,826 But what do people call women who are tough and ambitious? 124 00:04:57,964 --> 00:04:59,549 - Leslie or Courtney? 125 00:04:59,841 --> 00:05:02,219 - What? No. A bitch. 126 00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:04,155 Well, you may be at the bottom of the totem pole now, 127 00:05:04,179 --> 00:05:05,764 but you're in the game. 128 00:05:06,056 --> 00:05:08,376 So play it like a man and don't let anyone try to stop you. 129 00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:14,105 Just like the karate kid... Hilary swank, karate kid iv. 130 00:05:14,397 --> 00:05:16,149 - I want you to be my mentor. 131 00:05:16,441 --> 00:05:19,903 - Julie-San, fighting not good. 132 00:05:20,195 --> 00:05:22,948 But if must fight, win. 133 00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:24,908 Kesuke Miyagi, karate kid iv. 134 00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:27,285 I accept! 135 00:05:28,620 --> 00:05:29,830 - You listen to me, blitzer. 136 00:05:30,121 --> 00:05:31,961 Either CNN gets back on the Avery Jessup story, 137 00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:35,961 or I'll tell everyone your real name, Steel Hammerhands. 138 00:05:36,253 --> 00:05:37,879 Hello? 139 00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:41,383 Steel? Mr. Hammerhands? 140 00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:43,051 - Jack. 141 00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:44,928 I have an important actor request. 142 00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:46,739 - This is not really a good time, Jenna. 143 00:05:46,763 --> 00:05:48,658 - I want you to hire a giant to stand in the background 144 00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:50,522 of every scene I'm in to make me look daintier. 145 00:05:50,809 --> 00:05:51,810 It works. 146 00:05:52,102 --> 00:05:54,262 It's why Lamar odom married that giant Kardashian girl. 147 00:05:54,312 --> 00:05:55,856 - I run a TV network, 148 00:05:56,147 --> 00:05:58,859 and I still can't get my wife's story on the air. 149 00:05:59,150 --> 00:06:03,780 The world may have forgotten about Avery, but I haven't. 150 00:06:04,072 --> 00:06:06,157 Sometimes at night, I sit here in the dark, 151 00:06:06,449 --> 00:06:08,869 drinking scotch, staring at that doorway, 152 00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:09,870 hoping against hope 153 00:06:10,161 --> 00:06:12,831 that she'll walk as if nothing ever happened. 154 00:06:13,123 --> 00:06:14,624 "I'm home, Jack. 155 00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:17,377 And I brought back a bunch of oriental sex powders." 156 00:06:17,669 --> 00:06:20,463 - I know how you can get Avery back on television. 157 00:06:20,755 --> 00:06:22,674 Her story has everything! 158 00:06:22,966 --> 00:06:24,092 Blondeness, kidnapping, 159 00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:26,052 a villain with an accent. 160 00:06:26,344 --> 00:06:29,097 It's the perfect TV movie. I should know. 161 00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:32,350 I played Italian party whore in the Amanda Knox story. 162 00:06:32,642 --> 00:06:35,228 - A TV movie... Jenna, I don't want to trivialize this ordeal. 163 00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:36,664 - But those movies get results. 164 00:06:36,688 --> 00:06:38,168 Every kidnapped woman I've ever played 165 00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:39,231 has been released. 166 00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,776 - Well, it would allow me to control the story. 167 00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:42,777 - Well, you better hurry, Jack. 168 00:06:43,069 --> 00:06:44,469 Oxygen is already working on a movie 169 00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:45,697 about the baby miners. 170 00:06:45,989 --> 00:06:47,091 - Then we'll have to slow them down. 171 00:06:47,115 --> 00:06:48,658 Gabriel... 172 00:06:48,950 --> 00:06:52,537 Send a bunch of pies to the oxygen network. 173 00:06:56,458 --> 00:06:58,209 - Excuse me, Ms. Wassername. 174 00:06:58,501 --> 00:06:59,501 What's that? 175 00:06:59,711 --> 00:07:01,151 - Not that it's any of your business, 176 00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:04,299 but Tracy's jaw is tired from pretending to be pac-man. 177 00:07:04,591 --> 00:07:07,886 So I'm making it easier for him to eat. 178 00:07:08,178 --> 00:07:09,178 - No! No! 179 00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:11,348 He can't eat that junk. 180 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:14,434 He just got his cholesterol down to triple digits. 181 00:07:14,726 --> 00:07:17,395 - Get off my ass, Parcell. I'm doing my job. 182 00:07:17,687 --> 00:07:20,690 You think you can push me around just because you have a penis? 183 00:07:20,982 --> 00:07:22,651 - I definitely have a penis. 184 00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:24,295 - You think I'm some delicate little girl 185 00:07:24,319 --> 00:07:25,403 who'll do whatever you say? 186 00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:27,197 Well, I'm not delicate. 187 00:07:27,489 --> 00:07:30,367 I've been in tons of car wrecks. 188 00:07:30,659 --> 00:07:31,701 - Hazel, I just peed this. 189 00:07:31,993 --> 00:07:32,702 Could you take care of it for me? 190 00:07:32,994 --> 00:07:34,120 - Sir! 191 00:07:34,412 --> 00:07:36,915 I am resuming responsibility for your care. 192 00:07:37,207 --> 00:07:38,833 You are in dire need 193 00:07:39,125 --> 00:07:41,252 of a getting-your-act-together montage. 194 00:07:41,544 --> 00:07:44,714 ♪ Down so low, don't know what up is ♪ 195 00:07:45,006 --> 00:07:46,424 ♪ when... ♪ - I'm sorry, Tracy. 196 00:07:46,716 --> 00:07:50,095 You wanna be bossed around by this trailer park Hitler? 197 00:07:50,387 --> 00:07:53,306 Or do you wanna do whatever you want with a sexy, fun bitch 198 00:07:53,598 --> 00:07:55,976 who just bought you a pinata? 199 00:07:56,267 --> 00:07:57,769 - Awesome! 200 00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:06,820 - Ms. Lemon, do you have a moment 201 00:08:07,112 --> 00:08:08,872 or are you busy regretting your life choices, 202 00:08:09,072 --> 00:08:11,324 for example, missing your window for having children? 203 00:08:11,616 --> 00:08:13,910 - Get to the point, Kenneth. - It's Hazel. 204 00:08:14,202 --> 00:08:17,080 I'm trying to help her, but she's gone crazy. 205 00:08:17,372 --> 00:08:18,724 - Uh-huh. You can't handle the fact 206 00:08:18,748 --> 00:08:20,108 that a woman is doing your old job. 207 00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:21,835 What a world. 208 00:08:22,127 --> 00:08:23,771 I bet even Hillary Clinton has to put up with this crap 209 00:08:23,795 --> 00:08:26,089 from whoever was secretary of state before her. 210 00:08:26,381 --> 00:08:27,400 - You mean condoleezza... - Shut up. 211 00:08:27,424 --> 00:08:29,968 Look, I believe in Hazel. I happen to be her mentor. 212 00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:31,386 So to quote Mr. Miyagi, 213 00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:36,683 "leave girl alone or you deal with me, surf shop owner." 214 00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:39,269 - Hey, sweetie. How was your day? 215 00:08:39,561 --> 00:08:41,604 - Not even half over, Hazel. 216 00:08:41,896 --> 00:08:44,190 Ugh! I still have to read all these essays. 217 00:08:44,482 --> 00:08:46,443 Okay. - Look at you. 218 00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:49,404 You're a whirlwind... In charge in the board room... 219 00:08:49,696 --> 00:08:51,823 And the bedroom. - Sure. 220 00:08:52,115 --> 00:08:53,575 - You're a modern, DTF type woman 221 00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:55,243 whose whole vibe says, 222 00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:58,747 "yeah! I dig sex and I'm not gonna apologize for it." 223 00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:01,875 - Okay, here's a little bedroom tip. 224 00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:05,420 Put a bag of popcorn in the microwave beforehand. 225 00:09:05,712 --> 00:09:07,472 That way, when you're done, you have a treat. 226 00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:10,592 - I wish I had your emotional intelligence. 227 00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:14,637 My boyfriend Razmig and I have hit a little rough patch. 228 00:09:14,929 --> 00:09:17,474 - Okay. Lay it on me. 229 00:09:17,766 --> 00:09:21,352 - Well, I went home this afternoon to get some, 230 00:09:21,644 --> 00:09:25,482 and I found Razmig banging the fattest chick I've ever seen. 231 00:09:25,774 --> 00:09:28,276 And you know, I used to weigh 800 pounds. 232 00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:29,568 - Stop right there. 233 00:09:29,778 --> 00:09:31,547 You didn't hit a rough patch. He cheated on you. 234 00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:32,757 You have to dump him immediately. 235 00:09:32,781 --> 00:09:35,158 - What? How can you say that? 236 00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:36,159 - Hazel, I'm trying to help you. 237 00:09:36,451 --> 00:09:38,536 - By asking me to break up with the man I love? 238 00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:41,539 Helping me would be teaching me how to spice things up. 239 00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:43,458 Like by greeting him at the front door 240 00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,794 wearing nothing but false teeth. 241 00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:49,214 I'm very disappointed in your mentorship, Liz. 242 00:09:49,506 --> 00:09:50,586 If this were two years ago, 243 00:09:50,673 --> 00:09:53,468 I would sit on you till you died. 244 00:09:56,846 --> 00:09:58,473 - No wigs. 245 00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:01,392 I said no wigs. 246 00:10:01,684 --> 00:10:03,103 You're not a lead, Gabe. 247 00:10:03,394 --> 00:10:05,438 At best, you're a featured extra with no lines. 248 00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:09,984 Do you understand? - Hey, Gabe. 249 00:10:10,276 --> 00:10:12,557 - Lemon, would you be interested in writing the screenplay 250 00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,489 for the greatest love story ever told? 251 00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:18,076 - You mean Lois Lane's love affair with journalism? 252 00:10:18,368 --> 00:10:19,577 I said it. - Avery and me. 253 00:10:19,869 --> 00:10:21,149 I'm producing a television movie 254 00:10:21,412 --> 00:10:22,956 to get her back in the headlines. 255 00:10:23,248 --> 00:10:25,248 For obvious reasons, I'm fast-tracking the project. 256 00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:27,168 The script is due on Monday. - Monday? 257 00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:29,605 Hmm. I guess I won't be able to go to the gym this weekend. 258 00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:30,709 - I know it's short notice, 259 00:10:30,755 --> 00:10:32,507 but I would consider it a personal favor 260 00:10:32,799 --> 00:10:34,519 after six years of listening to you complain 261 00:10:34,551 --> 00:10:36,511 about how there are so few women on death row. 262 00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:39,222 - Is a coincidence, or is the system sexist? 263 00:10:39,514 --> 00:10:41,641 Oh! Speaking of our amazing dynamic, 264 00:10:41,933 --> 00:10:43,613 I have taken on a mentee of my own, Jack... 265 00:10:43,852 --> 00:10:44,852 A page named Hazel. 266 00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:46,271 - You're a mentor? 267 00:10:46,563 --> 00:10:48,148 But that makes me a grand-mentor. 268 00:10:48,439 --> 00:10:50,316 And I'm still so young. - Don't worry. 269 00:10:50,608 --> 00:10:51,608 I already messed it up. 270 00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:54,070 I told her to break up with her awful boyfriend 271 00:10:54,362 --> 00:10:55,697 and she got really mad at me. 272 00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,508 - Often, the best way for a mentee to learn 273 00:10:57,532 --> 00:10:58,700 is for you to let her fail. 274 00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:00,511 - Wait, does that mean you've done that to me? 275 00:11:00,535 --> 00:11:01,911 When? - Um... 276 00:11:02,203 --> 00:11:03,472 - I think the crowd at the Apollo 277 00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:04,640 might welcome a change of pace. 278 00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:06,583 - You're right. You should do it. 279 00:11:06,875 --> 00:11:09,002 Sometimes, they have to learn the hard way. 280 00:11:09,294 --> 00:11:10,646 If Hazel rejects your advice, let her. 281 00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:12,088 She'll get there on her own 282 00:11:12,380 --> 00:11:13,774 just like you did after the crowd at the Apollo 283 00:11:13,798 --> 00:11:15,216 chased you into the river. 284 00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:18,469 - Okay, I understand the irony of what I'm about to say, 285 00:11:18,761 --> 00:11:21,181 but I reject that advice. 286 00:11:21,472 --> 00:11:23,742 Don't worry, I'll bring you back a t-shirt from successtown. 287 00:11:23,766 --> 00:11:28,271 Ow! My groin! 288 00:11:28,563 --> 00:11:30,481 - Mr. Jordan! - K-dog. 289 00:11:30,773 --> 00:11:33,484 You were wrong. They do still make crossbows. 290 00:11:33,776 --> 00:11:35,862 - You let him buy a crossbow? 291 00:11:36,154 --> 00:11:37,238 And a motorcycle? 292 00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,616 - No, Kenneth, I let him buy a motorcycle ramp 293 00:11:39,908 --> 00:11:42,577 and no motorcycle! 294 00:11:45,788 --> 00:11:47,290 Can I help you? 295 00:11:47,582 --> 00:11:50,126 Tracy's very tired. He didn't sleep last night. 296 00:11:50,418 --> 00:11:51,418 - Why not? 297 00:11:51,586 --> 00:11:52,980 If he doesn't get at least 14 hours a night, 298 00:11:53,004 --> 00:11:54,464 he starts to go crazy. 299 00:11:54,756 --> 00:11:55,924 - We on a show within a show! 300 00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:58,176 My real name is Tracy Morgan! 301 00:11:58,468 --> 00:11:59,778 - Well, Tracy wanted to go clubbing. 302 00:11:59,802 --> 00:12:01,482 And I don't know if you know this, Kenneth, 303 00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,389 but night clubs are open at night. 304 00:12:03,681 --> 00:12:05,433 - You didn't let him drink, did you? 305 00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:08,311 Mr. Jordan can't mix alcohol with his medication. 306 00:12:08,603 --> 00:12:10,873 - I'm not an idiot, Kenneth. I took him off his medication. 307 00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:12,232 - You what? 308 00:12:12,523 --> 00:12:13,733 Why are you doing this? 309 00:12:14,025 --> 00:12:15,693 - Because Liz told me to. 310 00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:18,363 Having access to Tracy is an opportunity, 311 00:12:18,655 --> 00:12:20,114 and I'm taking advantage of it. 312 00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:23,326 Did you see page six today? 313 00:12:23,618 --> 00:12:25,119 Those are my toes he's sucking on. 314 00:12:25,411 --> 00:12:28,623 And he did not want to. 315 00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:34,712 Ah, mm. 316 00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:39,968 - Jack! 317 00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:41,678 What the hell is this? 318 00:12:41,970 --> 00:12:44,180 - Where did you get that? 319 00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:46,307 - Donna from casting and I are friends. 320 00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:47,599 Well, not so much friends 321 00:12:47,642 --> 00:12:49,602 as I own a magnet that can scramble her pacemaker. 322 00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:51,437 - Jenna, you are not playing Avery. 323 00:12:51,729 --> 00:12:53,773 - Why not? This movie was my idea! 324 00:12:54,065 --> 00:12:55,065 - I appreciate that. 325 00:12:55,316 --> 00:12:57,318 You can play a Korean party whore. 326 00:12:57,610 --> 00:13:00,238 I just don't think you can capture Avery's essence. 327 00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:02,031 - That's ridiculous. 328 00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:04,701 I posed bottomless in essence. 329 00:13:04,993 --> 00:13:06,577 - Jenna, Avery is worldly. Traveled. 330 00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:08,079 She went to Yale. 331 00:13:08,371 --> 00:13:09,371 - Oh, I see. 332 00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:12,000 You think I'm stupid, just because my college 333 00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:14,168 got tipped over by those Miami heat fans. 334 00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:15,460 - I didn't say stupid. 335 00:13:15,670 --> 00:13:17,390 Jenna, there are many kinds of intelligence. 336 00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:20,466 Practical, emotional, and there's actual intelligence, 337 00:13:20,758 --> 00:13:22,038 which is what I'm talking about. 338 00:13:22,093 --> 00:13:23,970 - I want this part, Jack. 339 00:13:24,262 --> 00:13:25,638 It's a guaranteed Emmy nomination. 340 00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:27,640 - I'm sorry. I've made up my mind. 341 00:13:27,932 --> 00:13:30,935 - Very well. 342 00:13:31,227 --> 00:13:32,645 But let me ask you this, Jack. 343 00:13:32,937 --> 00:13:35,273 Would a dumb person be able to think of something amazing 344 00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:38,067 to say as she leaves? 345 00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:45,557 - Liz, we have a show in four hours. 346 00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:47,463 Have you still not picked a contest winner? 347 00:13:47,744 --> 00:13:49,954 - Ugh! Fine, I'll just pick one at random. 348 00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:52,123 It's joren Van Der sloot. 349 00:13:52,415 --> 00:13:53,851 - We can't fly someone from Peru now. 350 00:13:53,875 --> 00:13:56,461 There's no time. 351 00:13:56,753 --> 00:13:59,422 - Oh, Hazel, we need to talk. - I'm busy, Liz. 352 00:13:59,714 --> 00:14:02,216 Tracy wants me to page from in Las Vegas this weekend. 353 00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:03,134 Is this dress appropriate 354 00:14:03,426 --> 00:14:05,261 for watching pornography with Penn Jillette? 355 00:14:05,553 --> 00:14:08,014 - Okay, normally we don't encourage Tracy to go to Vegas, 356 00:14:08,306 --> 00:14:11,059 because of his gambling addiction and his fear of magic. 357 00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:13,478 But maybe a weekend away from Razmig is a good thing. 358 00:14:13,770 --> 00:14:15,938 - No. Razmig's coming with me. 359 00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:17,750 What? Who is this, hah-zel? 360 00:14:17,774 --> 00:14:19,692 I no permit you talk other woman. 361 00:14:19,984 --> 00:14:21,003 - Okay, I'm putting my foot down. 362 00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:24,572 This guy is no good for you and I order you, as your mentor, 363 00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:25,864 to dump him. 364 00:14:25,907 --> 00:14:27,718 - You don't know what you're talking about, Liz. 365 00:14:27,742 --> 00:14:30,495 Razmig is amazing. He makes me laugh. 366 00:14:30,787 --> 00:14:33,581 - Oh, where is toilet pail? Razmig must make mud. 367 00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:35,666 Razmig! 368 00:14:35,958 --> 00:14:37,502 - Hazel, no. I'm not letting you... 369 00:14:37,794 --> 00:14:39,474 Let her fail, Liz. 370 00:14:39,754 --> 00:14:42,423 Let her get there on her own. 371 00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:45,385 - You know what, fine. You're right, I'm wrong. 372 00:14:45,676 --> 00:14:48,346 Go, be with Razmig. - Thank you, Liz. 373 00:14:48,638 --> 00:14:52,475 It takes a big woman to admit she's wrong. 374 00:14:52,767 --> 00:14:53,767 - You are a big woman. 375 00:14:54,018 --> 00:14:56,687 You have pictures? Fat nudes? 376 00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:05,029 I need your help, Ms. Maroney. 377 00:15:05,321 --> 00:15:07,448 - Absolutely. 378 00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:09,409 Oh, I thought you were someone famous. 379 00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:11,220 You sound a lot like Reese Witherspoon. 380 00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:12,244 What do you want? 381 00:15:12,453 --> 00:15:15,081 - I'm afraid if Mr. Jordan goes to Las Vegas this weekend, 382 00:15:15,373 --> 00:15:16,373 he's gonna die. 383 00:15:16,624 --> 00:15:17,984 - I'm not hearing my name, Kenneth. 384 00:15:18,084 --> 00:15:19,752 - So I thought you... 385 00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:21,629 - oh, thank god. That took forever. 386 00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:24,715 - I thought you could teach me how to get around Hazel. 387 00:15:25,007 --> 00:15:28,344 If I could just get one minute alone with Mr. Jordan... 388 00:15:28,636 --> 00:15:31,097 - you can convince him he's wrong. Yes! 389 00:15:31,389 --> 00:15:33,599 But how do you get his attention? 390 00:15:33,891 --> 00:15:36,310 All the world's a Stage, Kenneth. 391 00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:39,147 Just play the part. 392 00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:41,357 - Play the part? 393 00:15:51,576 --> 00:15:53,369 - Ms. Lemon. 394 00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:54,954 If it's not too late, 395 00:15:55,246 --> 00:15:56,932 I would like the essay contest to win a role 396 00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:58,791 on TGS with Tracy Jordan. 397 00:15:59,083 --> 00:16:00,323 - No, Kenneth, you can't enter. 398 00:16:00,501 --> 00:16:02,170 The contest isn't open to NBC employees. 399 00:16:02,462 --> 00:16:03,754 - I know, ma'am-maw. 400 00:16:04,046 --> 00:16:05,590 Which is why I just quit my job 401 00:16:05,882 --> 00:16:07,467 at standards and practices. 402 00:16:07,758 --> 00:16:09,260 I may hate you right now, 403 00:16:09,552 --> 00:16:12,597 you little, but damn it I respect you. 404 00:16:12,889 --> 00:16:14,169 - Kenneth, you know this is just 405 00:16:14,348 --> 00:16:15,975 to be a non-speaking extra, right? 406 00:16:16,267 --> 00:16:16,684 - I know. 407 00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:19,687 But have you ever loved something so much 408 00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:22,023 that you would sacrifice anything for it? 409 00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:23,315 - Nope. 410 00:16:23,524 --> 00:16:25,359 But you know what, this is perfect. 411 00:16:25,651 --> 00:16:27,691 Because then I don't have to pick some crazy person, 412 00:16:27,945 --> 00:16:29,905 and I know you won't do anything weird on the air. 413 00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:30,989 - I'm Kenneth! 414 00:16:31,115 --> 00:16:33,159 - Get to wardrobe, contest winner! 415 00:16:33,451 --> 00:16:35,953 This is gonna be a great show. 416 00:16:42,585 --> 00:16:44,712 - Hello? - Hi, it's Charles from the U.N. 417 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:45,713 We found your wife 418 00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:48,090 and I dropped her off at the office. 419 00:16:48,382 --> 00:16:51,260 She should be there right about now. 420 00:16:52,803 --> 00:16:55,765 - Jack, it's me. I'm home. 421 00:16:56,057 --> 00:16:57,600 - No, you're not my wife. 422 00:16:57,892 --> 00:16:59,393 - How could you say that, darling? 423 00:16:59,685 --> 00:17:01,979 I'm Avery Jesbert. - Jenna? 424 00:17:02,271 --> 00:17:04,148 - No, don't turn on the light. 425 00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:06,067 Surprised? 426 00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:09,737 - Let's set aside how idiotic that plan was, 427 00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:12,406 and imagine a world where it actually worked. 428 00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:13,858 - I appreciate your feedback. 429 00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:15,785 - If I had believed you for one second, 430 00:17:16,077 --> 00:17:18,246 I would've been devastated, heartbroken! 431 00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:20,081 - You wanna talk about devastation? 432 00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:22,601 How do you think I felt when you told me I couldn't play Avery? 433 00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:23,709 - You are a monster. 434 00:17:24,001 --> 00:17:27,421 What you have done here today, it's... it's... 435 00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:31,050 The second cruelest thing that anyone has ever done to me. 436 00:17:31,342 --> 00:17:32,622 Do you know what the cruelest is? 437 00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:34,154 - When I went to the bathroom on the hood of your car 438 00:17:34,178 --> 00:17:35,239 before I thought of this plan? 439 00:17:35,263 --> 00:17:37,139 - Avery had me committed to a mental hospital 440 00:17:37,431 --> 00:17:38,617 so she and her college roommate 441 00:17:38,641 --> 00:17:40,160 could use my yankee tickets on opening day. 442 00:17:40,184 --> 00:17:43,771 - That's a nice story, Jack, but I don't hear my name in it. 443 00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:45,648 - You... - Finally. 444 00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:48,776 - You may not have Avery's grace and acumen, 445 00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:51,654 but you do have the one thing that makes her so special... 446 00:17:51,946 --> 00:17:54,532 Her ruthless pursuit of self-interest. 447 00:17:54,824 --> 00:17:56,576 It's the heart of capitalism. 448 00:17:56,867 --> 00:18:01,539 And the beautiful black heart of my wife. 449 00:18:01,831 --> 00:18:05,543 Jenna, you have Avery's essence. Congratulations. 450 00:18:05,835 --> 00:18:06,835 The part is yours. 451 00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:09,463 - Oh! You won't regret this. 452 00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:11,716 We're gonna get her home, Jack. 453 00:18:12,008 --> 00:18:13,009 Now if you'll excuse me, 454 00:18:13,301 --> 00:18:14,661 I have a female condom to take out. 455 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:16,262 Unless... 456 00:18:16,554 --> 00:18:18,055 Going once... 457 00:18:18,347 --> 00:18:21,726 - Four, three... 458 00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:25,229 - Ladies and gentlemen, 459 00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:28,566 a message from the president of the United States. 460 00:18:28,858 --> 00:18:31,527 - Goo-goo, ga-ga, my fellow ah-meh-ri-cans. 461 00:18:31,819 --> 00:18:34,572 - Okay, he's never been worse. 462 00:18:34,864 --> 00:18:36,324 Is Kenneth supposed to enter? 463 00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:37,616 - I love you, sir. 464 00:18:37,867 --> 00:18:38,947 - Ken, where have you been? 465 00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:40,786 - Damn it. - I've been here all along. 466 00:18:41,078 --> 00:18:43,247 I never left. And I never will. 467 00:18:43,539 --> 00:18:44,539 - Go to commercial. 468 00:18:44,665 --> 00:18:45,892 - They told us we can't do that any more. 469 00:18:45,916 --> 00:18:46,916 - What? 470 00:18:47,084 --> 00:18:48,711 - I quit my job to be here, Mr. Jordan. 471 00:18:49,003 --> 00:18:50,838 It was the only way I could get around Hazel. 472 00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:52,715 - You quit your job for me? 473 00:18:53,007 --> 00:18:56,844 - I'm not just gonna sit by and watch you destroy yourself. 474 00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:59,764 'Cause I would do anything for love, 475 00:19:00,056 --> 00:19:01,891 but I won't do that. 476 00:19:02,183 --> 00:19:07,772 - The girl in that video was hot in an early '90s kind of way. 477 00:19:08,064 --> 00:19:11,776 - Now... take your medicine. 478 00:19:12,068 --> 00:19:12,777 - This has been a message 479 00:19:13,069 --> 00:19:16,280 from the president of the United States. 480 00:19:17,948 --> 00:19:20,201 - Tough night? 481 00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:21,970 Come on, Lemon. The show was all right. 482 00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:23,472 What about the sketch with the guy who was worried 483 00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:24,598 about his sexual performance? 484 00:19:24,622 --> 00:19:27,291 - That was a real commercial for an erectile dysfunction drug. 485 00:19:27,583 --> 00:19:28,751 - Well, I laughed. 486 00:19:29,043 --> 00:19:31,253 So, uh, how did things shake out with Hazel? 487 00:19:31,545 --> 00:19:32,672 - Not great. 488 00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:34,923 My way, which is still the right way, didn't work. 489 00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:37,051 So just to see, I did your thing. 490 00:19:37,343 --> 00:19:38,719 - Good. You let her fail. 491 00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:41,347 That's how the banking industry learned its lesson. 492 00:19:41,639 --> 00:19:43,766 And now they're doing amazing, and everyone's honest. 493 00:19:44,058 --> 00:19:45,851 - Mm. Your thing didn't work either. 494 00:19:46,143 --> 00:19:48,020 - Are you sure? 495 00:19:53,442 --> 00:19:56,612 Mentoring is not an exact science. 496 00:19:58,739 --> 00:20:00,175 - Why aren't there more female serial killers? 497 00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:00,866 What does that say about our society... 498 00:20:01,158 --> 00:20:02,326 - Liz! 499 00:20:02,618 --> 00:20:04,620 - Oh, here she is. She's here. 500 00:20:04,912 --> 00:20:07,206 - Liz, I was watching the show fall apart 501 00:20:07,498 --> 00:20:09,792 while Razmig gave me a prison tattoo of his face, 502 00:20:10,084 --> 00:20:11,084 and I heard your voice. 503 00:20:11,335 --> 00:20:14,296 I finally heard everything you said to me. 504 00:20:14,588 --> 00:20:16,298 "Hazel, you're a beautiful flower. 505 00:20:16,590 --> 00:20:17,800 "Let yourself bloom. 506 00:20:18,092 --> 00:20:19,569 "What are you doing this weekend, Hazel? 507 00:20:19,593 --> 00:20:22,221 Are there still bath houses? Let's go to one!" 508 00:20:22,513 --> 00:20:23,699 - I never said any of that, but... 509 00:20:23,723 --> 00:20:24,849 - you were right all along. 510 00:20:25,141 --> 00:20:27,101 You knew I was making the wrong choices. 511 00:20:27,393 --> 00:20:30,604 But you let me fail. With Razmig, with Tracy. 512 00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:32,791 - Yes, I was definitely on top of that Tracy thing. 513 00:20:32,815 --> 00:20:34,316 - You were teaching me the whole time, 514 00:20:34,608 --> 00:20:37,987 and all the while lighting a fire with that hot ass. 515 00:20:38,279 --> 00:20:40,531 - I'm... jack. 516 00:20:40,823 --> 00:20:43,117 I'm your grand-mentor. Liz? 517 00:20:45,119 --> 00:20:47,288 She's beautiful. 518 00:20:53,753 --> 00:20:56,589 - This next lady is white haven, Pennsylvania. 519 00:20:56,881 --> 00:20:59,884 Okay! Please welcome to the Stage leminem! 520 00:21:00,176 --> 00:21:01,218 Ooh! 521 00:21:04,472 --> 00:21:07,266 - ♪ Ahhh, do the sprinkler ♪ 522 00:21:07,558 --> 00:21:09,560 ♪ do the sprinkler do the sprinkler ♪ 523 00:21:09,852 --> 00:21:10,852 ♪ do the sprinkler ♪ 524 00:21:11,061 --> 00:21:13,272 ♪ here we go, here we go ♪ 525 00:21:13,564 --> 00:21:15,149 ♪ white haven, P.A., Apollo theater ♪ 526 00:21:15,441 --> 00:21:16,734 ♪ come together ♪ 527 00:21:17,026 --> 00:21:19,779 ♪ have you ever thought about the women of the world ♪ 528 00:21:20,070 --> 00:21:21,989 ♪ teen moms, grandmoms, even little girls ♪ 529 00:21:24,366 --> 00:21:26,076 Go, white haven!